>>17891
Mystery Celebrations author here. A huge thank you for taking the time to analyze the prose of my writing, and for rewriting the paragraph to illustrate your points. I'll definitely reserve some time to learn more about storytelling and rhetorical techniques. I think it'll be valuable knowledge for both reading and writing.
I wanted to focus on the house at the very beginning because I like to have a very good stage for whatever scene is in play. The house was going to be the main setting of my work, after all. I wanted to set the stage and the tone and hook at once. Hook? Yeah, the hook was intended to be the setting of Yukari's house itself, since its still a mystery in canon. But as others have said, thats a trapping of fanfiction - presupposing that your readers are familiar with the material.

>>17892
>But as others have said, thats a trapping of fanfiction - presupposing that your readers are familiar with the material.
My own issue with that mindset/approach is less about familiarity with material being adapted as much as a presupposition of investment by default in particular understandings/interpretations thereof. For instance, I'm not invested in, say, Alice and Marisa being friends unless a very good reason is established within the narrative; i.e., the onus is on the writer to show how that's true and why we should care, not simply tell us that's the case or take it all as a given.

My comments part three.

On Alcohol & Oceans

Sorry, I don't really get it. It's just not a very Touhou-like piece to me. Everything's so surface-level. I don't think Alice is the kind of person to waste emotions on berating herself for mis-timing the fuze on one doll, for example, considering how many she must go through a month. She care a lot about her craft, sure, but she's ambitious about it and, like, owns it in a way that I feel should indicate a more robust attitude towards setbacks. Maybe she just happens to be a sorry drunk, but that doesn't mean that any reason to be sorry is as good a reason as any other, you know? Or, like, Kokoro has personal pronoun confusion and doesn't understand what drinking is? I don't really buy it. Feels like it takes too much of a generic "artificial and/or alien plural-self ingénue" template. Murasa's depressed because she was randomly reminded of the ocean by a total stranger she wanted to fuck? It's all this superficial stuff that's way too easy to reach for, draped over characters who talk and think and act like they could be in fanfiction for any other piece of media.

It's just a bad match for me, I guess. I don't really have anything constructive to say. Maybe the same thing I said to the Ranout: Chen Buren author—try and go beyond just walking and talking and set dressing, and try to actually delve into being. Like... I can't help but compare it in my mind with Sinker, another Ichirin/Murasa piece from elsewhere on the internet. The Murasa there still kind of talks like a fanfiction character; I guess it can't be helped; but on a deeper level she doesn't think that way. Her background informs what she uniquely is and what she uniquely needs, and what happens in the story is driven by that. It's importan

Considering the entire theme of my story, it only felt fair for the contest reward to feature one last Satori fakeout.

But in all seriousness, thanks for being our artist, Kosu. The art you've provided for R/R and USiL both has been fantastic, and as I had no particular ideas on a Mystia story myself, I decided to outsource the problem. And, as per usual, Gooboi's done a terrific job with it - the misadventures of little tiger Mystia were a joy to both read and edit.

And with that... thanks to everyone who was part of the contest, thanks to Gooboi for hosting it, and I'll see you guys when I've got something else written. Until then.

>>17840
I, personally, loved it. Mystia is the sort of person to use the jeweled pagoda as a fuel source for her stove.

My one question is how Kyouko got sent to her.

I'm not crying, someone's chopping onions!

This was completely unexpected and it absolutely made my day, my whole week, everything.
I have to thank both of you, I can't find words to thank you enough, this meant a lot to me!

It's always a pleasure to draw stuff for the worlds you have gifted us, and I'm always happy to help you in any way I can.

Shit Fart Online sucked and VR is a forced meme.

Gensokyo is still not real and VR is shit.

As I'm busy preparing to go out of the country for the next month, I don't have that much time to deal with this thread, so we're going on hold yet again. The thread's near auto-sage anyway, so this is as good a point as any to drop off for now. See you in November with a fresh thread.

In all honesty, maybe you'll just offload the thread to someone else (again) instead of shutting it down?
It doesn't seem like much work to take on, simply post a first post with roll and a second one with collection of canonical sources, that's all for mandatory threadkeeping.

I'll be taking over the character discussion threads for the foreseeable future. This thread is almost auto-saged so new thread:
>>17620

Pretty quiet around here. Guess I'll take that as nobody else having much to say. In which case, here's the face reveal: I wrote The Problem with Civilisation.

In all honesty, it was a struggle to bring this piece to any kind of conclusion. I didn't start with much momentum, and life made it hard to ramp up to any degree. Various obligations that I couldn't put off left me with little focus or free time a lot of days, so there were many days where I simply made no progress at all. That I made it with a couple of days to spare so I could do a perfunctory self-edit and proofread was a feat in and of itself.

It all just underscores that I'm not a writer who can work quickly at all, nor can I very readily reconcile the basic conceptual matter of a story with actual written words. The concept of this piece took me close to a week to even nail down, for instance. I had initially felt like doing something involving tengu, based on one of the suggestions in the OP, but I couldn't come up with anything at all. I suppose the choice of Nemuno was largely due to the Character Discussion Thread. I still had a bit of the discussion about her kicking around in the back of my head by the time the contest started, so I guess she was just sort of an 'easy' choice at the time. She's also deceptively simple as a character. Deceptively.

I say that because I did struggle to feel as if I had a good sense of how to portray the mountain hag beyond the most superficial elements. The particular tone of her dialogue was simple enough, but figuring out what she would actually say, for instance, had me pulling out my hair at points. There were instances where I had to cut back on dialogue for her and try to use Byakuren to push things along instead. Then, when Kenji was actually awake and in the scene, I had to struggle to figure out how she would deal with him. Yes, yes, mommy hag and all, but I wasn't interested in taking the absolute easiest route possible. In that sense, my own struggle to reckon with Nemuno as a character is represented in some of the struggle she has wit

Same poster from >>17559

Otherworldly Flavor

A cute short that felt absolutely like a Touhou work, this one I enjoyed. The characters were used effectively, and I felt like I was reading Youmu and Yuyuko and people with similar names. The theme was simple but strong; Youmu was obligated to fulfill her master's order, and she took the opportunity to go out and party while still getting the job done.

My favorite short in this exhibition. The author had an idea, and they executed it well.

Eientei M.D.

I see the idea; you know how to leave clues, and throughout the story, I felt like I could figure out the mystery. To me, that's where half the fun is, feel close to solving the puzzle and I think you did fine from that angle.

I would like to see you hone your skill in making a mystery. The grammar could use work, but that'll naturally improve the more you write and read. You love House M.D? Watch the episodes and study them; Engage with the media you love and dissect it. You watched your favorite episode? Study and see why it stood out from the rest. Least favorite? Study and ask yourself why it leaves a weaker impact on you.

Be wary of giving a pre-existing character a child. It's a powerful hook and doubly so for someone like Mokou No Fujiwara. It creates intrigue and a lot of questions which is what you want for mystery fic.

Who's the father? Magic exists, so was it with a woman instead? What is the parents' relationship with each other? What is their relation to their daughter and etc.

But the fic wasn't about the daughter, so those questions are left unanswered because it wouldn't affect the actual story. It's a powerful trope so give it serious thought if you really want to make a child oc, or stick to the pre-existing character because in this situation, you could have Mokou and it would not have changed the story.

I hope I can see your writing again in the next exhibition; I'm making an assumption here, but I did feel like you enjoyed writing

Records of a Burdens

I like the story and it did tug at my heart, some things didn't stick the landing for me.

Despite the story's conflict happening because of Akyuu's sense of impending death from her curse, it's odd that it wasn't shown. The closest we get is her hand straining, but that's due to overworking. She tells us how her body reminds her that she should be dead by now, so show us what she's feeling. Keine says she looks haggard, but we never get a physical description of her body outside her writing hand. You can describe how messy her hair is or maybe she couldn't bring herself to put the brush on the paper.

To summarize: Show me what the characters are telling. A short paragraph about Akyuu's body feeling off would go a long way.

Otherworldly Flavors
This is my favorite and it's hard to suggest any improvement. If I could make one suggestion, I would like it if the story had a more prominent conflict. Youmu goes to get snacks for Yuyuko, but there aren't many obstacles that stand in her way. There was the tengu, but the fight was stopped before it started. When Youmu was flying back, I thought that was when the conflict would start and she now had to resist eating all the snacks while drunk, but that didn't happen either.

You could have it that when she was paying for her snack, Youmu realized the money Yuyuko gave her was missing, or she was more tempted to eat all the snacks before reaching home. Anything that would make the reader wonder if she'll succeed in her quest or fail trying.

The Problem with Civilization
I've seen you talk about your struggle in writing, and I want to say I am happy to see your writing in this exhibition. I also appreciate you taking the time to critique my work and show where I can improve. However, there's room for improvement as a writer and a critic.

For writing: Byuakren and her group's whole purpose in the story was to bind Nemuno and Kenji to

Anonymous reviewer. My opinions, humbly submitted for your perusal.

Takeo the Lucky, Written by Kosuzu Motoori for the Good Children of the Vi(scounty of Bragelonne)

WAHOO!

Nah, Kosuzu wouldn't write like this. I see what you're saying about the metafiction angle but it's distinctly purposeless at every layer of metafiction. Within the story itself it's just "flavourless OC dude gets doted on by out-of-character 2hu girls"; one layer up there's no hint of why Kosuzu would be motivated to write something like this or how it's received in-universe or anything like that; and at the top layer there's nothing being conveyed between you and I by the use of this device except that you liked some books you read that used it and you wanted to try it out for yourself.

Well, if you enjoy the conceit of meta-fictional works being purportedly transmitted to the reader through the author as an intermediary, I'd recommend maybe picking up, say, Don Quixote? Pseudotranslations were rather common historically, both as wink-wink-nudge-nudge sorts of affairs (as in the case of Don Quixote) and as deliberate acts of deception, since "older = better" was the default view on written works for such a long time. As far as more modern pseudotranslations go, there's of course a few famous ones by Borges, and (just off the top of my head) Michael Crichton's Eaters of the Dead, maybe? Anyone else wanna chime in?

Gamblers Deliᵹꞇ ~ Bꞃiᵹꞇ Fꞃiᵹꞇ

Tell tell tell you're telling too much and not showing enough. I dunno. It's just kind of bland? Like I'm reading "Sannyo REACTS to stuff happening in her gambling den". Stuff happens but I don't feel invited in at all because it feels like someone DMing their own roleplay or something. It feels like the investment is supposed to come from, like, who gets the social upper hand in this ex

Midtvinter

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LETTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY LIBERA ME FROM THIS SWEATY SUMMER HELL

Hmm. What do I say? There's frankly a lot of, like, uncanny phrasing and word usage throughout that feels like the sentences were worked over with tweezers and stitches rather than a brush, which sort of kills the flow and makes it kind of hard to follow. Like: "a puff from the kiseru twinned with a gesture [...] drew the eye and disabled the thinking mind". Classic garden-path effect—without commas setting off the reduced relative clause, "twinned" is apt to be read as a main verb, leading to disaster when the reader hits "drew". Or "it failed to register with the lascivious levity that was intended in the mind of the dazed man": "in the mind of the dazed man" is of course meant to modify "register", but the closer verb is "was intended", and it again takes a moment to correct the attachment. "deftly damped down on the red embers with fingers moistened by an ashen glob of saliva until it extinguished": "until it extinguished" meant for "damped down", but overtures made towards "moistened" instead.

Or in this sentence: "their focus turning to the >>seemingly<-effortless< manner {that she would turn her head {as if to follow her own enticingly private thoughts or to fix a wayfaring strand of light-colored hair {that happened to find its way across from the >>otherwise< orderly< gathered clump {that flowed from a royal yellow bow atthebackofherheaddownbelowhershoulders}}}}". The parts highlighted with >angle brackets< point out interjected low-content adverbs modifying adjective phrases which in turn are interjected between the "the" and the noun in noun phrases. These are non-trivial syntactic operations, which can be used for effect but which it's better to limit, particularly for low-content applications (unlike in e.g. "enticingly private"). They're kind of everywhere in this piece, and two in the same sentence

>>17455
There must be confusion here, the number of people who refer to Chinese characters as hieroglyphs on the internet should be non-singular.

1) Did you participate in the exhibition as either a writer or a reader? If so, why? If so, why not?
I did not participate. the theme just didn't grab me, and without a prize there was no reason for me to participate if it didn't grab me.

2) How often do you think that these types of events should be held? (eg twice a year, three or four times a year etc)
anywhere from two to four, depending on momentum.

3) Did you think that the theme was interesting? Why or why not?
Personally, it felt like it was a combination of almost too vague and too specific. It says a lot that about half of the stories zeroed in on gambling as a theme. fate could be literally anything, luck very few things.

4) For future events should the theme be more specific, broader, focused on specific characters or locations, or something else?
I don't think the theme's specificity is a problem, just the topic itself was more pigeonholy than it might seem at first glance.

5) Does not having a prize or voting for a winner like with previous contests better or worse? Or does it not matter at all?
It can be a deciding factor. It definitely was at least partially that for me. but i think it did fine.

>>17468
>lead-in short by the host/writer
The thing with this is that the host often participates as well, and entrants generally (are supposed to) remain anonymous until afterward in hopes of reducing audience bias. If THP had a more numerous and (consistently) active userbase, I might agree that something like this could work, but it sounds like this is basically 'host sits out', which wouldn't help the numbers problem. In any case, I'm not sure I see how it would necessarily lure people from 'other places'. Why does it need to be something the host does? Why does it have to a piece purpose-written for advertisement? I think efforts would be better spent recommending existing things on THP if convincing others from elsewhere to come here is the concern, to be somewhat blunt; ideas as to the 'elsewhere' and how best to reach out are always welcome, as we've not had any real concerted advertising/recruitment efforts beyond some writers independently cross-posting to some place.

>October event
I have no real opinion either way. Go for it if you think you can. Perhaps test out the host-written lead-in idea and see if it works, too.

1) Did you participate in the exhibition as either a writer or a reader? If so, why? If so, why not?
Initially planned to write but did not complete an entry. I also wasn't satisfied with the concept I had. Honestly, I don't have enough time and energy to do everything I want, and I chose to give other things priority. I feel bad that I did so, though. I think that I struggle to write something to fit a predefined theme, which is a major obstacle for completing a story for events unless I already have an idea in mind that fits.

2) How often do you think that these types of events should be held? (eg twice a year, three or four times a year etc)
I think 3 times per year is a good pace to try. I don't have specific times in mind.

3) Did you think that the theme was interesting? Why or why not?
I thought the theme of fortune and luck was good. Having things be uncertain is a universal experience that can resonate with an audience in any number of ways, from outright games of chance to making more mundane decisions in money, career, school, romance, etc. - the stuff you see on omikuji, which would have been appropriate for the setting. Really, I think that the limiting factor for these events as a whole isn't the choice of theme, but the imagination and skill of the writers. As others pointed out, most of the stories used gambling as the main means to include the theme and left it at that. My opinion is that only one story had something to say about the theme of fortune itself, and the rest ranged from having it on a superficial level to approaching the finish line but not crossing it. I noticed a trend in the entries of spending significant attention on detailing the rules and minutia of the game featured. I don't care in the slightest about games of chance in of themselves; in this context they are merely devices for discussing the theme of the story - what it's supposed to be building up to from the beginning. I care about fortune itself and whether the story had something interesting to say about that.
Concrete examples of ways to approach the theme, in addition to a clarification of the theme itself, were included in the OP for the contest to addr

Step- I would be fine enough with if it's not too central. Outright and actual is not my ball game.

The pics look amazing, by the way!

>>17268
Got you. No Mike showing her littermate the rapes. I mean, the ropes.

The prize has been delivered: >>/at/41374

Thus I declare the contest closed.

>>17274
I'll also just add that people get hung up on tiny little details about characters and whether or not things match them when, honestly, I think they should be more worried about whether or not the characters "feel" like who they're supposed to be, which is a whole separate thing from "muh lore". So even if things get contradicted or whatever by some new chapter of a manga or a new game or whatever the fuck, as long as it's not a lazy archetype with a nuhu's name pasted on, it really doesn't matter. I mean, there's people who don't even care that much about that, so it's not like "not being true to the REAL 2HUS" is going to lose you readers. TL;DR: stop worrying and learn to love the nuhus. Also, most characters don't get that much follow-up by ZUN, so half of anything is going to be made the fuck up anyway.

>>17019

I read it 10 years ago and loved it so much. I reread it a few days ago and it definitely holds up well. Some minor issues with pacing (sometimes spending an entire post dedicated to sorting books in a library) but all the details I remembered about it were just as perfect as they were when I first read it.

Princess Tepes does a great job building their own unique rendition of the SDM. The fresh take on all the SDM residents and their backstories, along with the seven named fairy maids, make for a lovable cast of characters that I miss now that I'm done reading the story. And you can't write a better Flandre than Princess Tepes' Flandre.

Everything from Kay's appearance onwards is perfect - it's incredible that the author was able to write a perfect ending considering the format of stories on this website, with the readers derailing any plans the author might have.

10/10, would read again in another 10 years.

I better see a Mike story from one of you knuckleheads for the coming exhibition.

Ever closer to the end.

bongbong?

I don't feel so good...