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The Scarlet Devil Mansion had contingencies to contain a raging vampire, but it was never a good day when those were put to the test.
Sakuya was best utilized playing support. A role that galled her, in truth, but one that was necessary just by the nature of the conflict. She could not meaningfully intercept the full power of the frenzied youkai, but her power was uniquely suited to avoiding it. Smaller attacks could be deflected by her knives, (not that it would prevent the mansion from taking a beating, but she could at least lessen the damage), and stopping time allowed her to pull her allies out of the way of any more powerful blows.
Offense was a similar story; while enough of her knives would give even the Scarlets pause, this was not a case where overkill was an acceptable solution. If attempting to suppress an outbreak alone, she would be forced to whittle her opponent down, gradually chipping away at that near-limitless stamina until her energy was exhausted and her sanity returned.
Such measures had been necessary with Flandre twice in times past, and an entire wing of the mansion had been wrecked both times. She was thankful to have better options at present.
As her target gathered herself for another charge, Sakuya stopped time, fanning out her knives out to both sides. The wall of blades wasn’t a serious obstacle, a vampire was fully capable of charging through them… but to a creature functioning on instinct, the pain they represented was enough of a deterrent to shape its path. Her quarry charged for the one hole left in the wall, claws outstretched.
The maid let the charging youkai get within a hairsbreadth of her before stopping time once again. When it resumed, she was no longer in the attack’s vicinity, and Meiling leaped in to neatly field the charging youkai. The gatekeeper’s raw strength was less than either of their mistresses, but she made up for it with technique, dodging the swipe, grabbing the wrist, and executing a picture perfect over-the-shoulder throw to slam the vampire down to the floor, wings first.
Neither the throw nor the follow-up joint lock was more than an inconvenience to a vampire, but that had been planned for. Disruption
>>3050
>Namely, he's the cameraman. Because Sumi (and him, but mostly Sumi), would absolutely want footage of her fights with all these youkai.
Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I think going through with this retcon might open up a plothole.
In >>/th/202992 , Satori and Greg both get trounced by Reisen because her lunatic eyes are able to completely nullify both of their abilities. Satori attempts to get around this by plucking spellcard ideas out of Greg's head instead of Reisen's. However, since Greg has only seen spellcards from Marisa, Nitori, Alice, and Koishi by this point, Greg is unable to supply Satori with any useful ammo, which forces Greg to swap opponents with Sumireko in order to make any headway against Reisen.
But if Greg had filmed Sumireko's fights with everyone earlier, then Greg would have seen loads of spellcards from dozens of different youkai, so he should have had plenty of ammo for Satori to pull out of his head to use against Reisen. Which makes Greg's decision to drag his battered, broken, barely conscious body over to Sumireko completely nonsensical, since he could have just stayed down and thought up dozens of spellcards for Satori to use against Reisen instead.
I don't know man. I think you should focus on progressing your story as is, warts and all, instead of trying to go back and retcon things. Striving for perfection is all well and good, but Perfection is the enemy of Good Enough. Your story is great as it is. Its well written and compelling, and we all love you for it. If you go back and start retconing things now, you risk opening up a bunch of plotholes in it, and your story is good partly because it currently doesn't have plotholes in it.
((I think this is an interesting look at the difference that having a good editor makes. The below is the first draft of the update that would become >>/th/214288, so if you haven't seen that yet, I'd advise reading the real update first. I think what I had is still reasonably well-written and different enough to post as a snippet, but it goes in a very different direction than the final version.))
Back when I was dating Matthew, there was a moment where we were talking one morning over tea, and I was apologizing for my rather messy appearance (having had a late night of magical research). My love claimed I looked fine, then he abruptly reached over the table towards my face. Two of his fingers made contact at my forehead, tucked in a few loose hairs over by my right ear, and then traced a path from my temple down to my chin before he pulled his hand back. It was a brief moment, lasting a few seconds at most… and yet my heart skipped a beat as a force beyond magic pulled me in, demanding to experience that warmth for just a little longer. (And of course, that absolutely maddening man had no idea he’d even done anything - there was no recognition in his eyes, he was making small talk about the tea!)
It’s easy to underestimate how meaningful a simple touch can be. After all, the sense of touch is something we use constantly, whether that’s holding things in our hands or brushing up against objects. But despite that, how often do you touch another person? Oh, there’s bumping into someone in a crowd, or the occasional handshake… but an intentional, gentle, prolonged touch is intimate in a way that few people realize. It calls back to our memories of our parents, and is proof on a level beneath words that there’s another person not just there with you, but there for you. That they chose, in this small way, to get close to you, to comfort you… in short, that they care.
What better message to send to a girl whose efforts remained perpetually unappreciated despite working almost as hard as a shikigami?
And so I took a step closer to Reisen, positioning myself right behind the kit, and gave he
…Ah, you’re here. Good to see you all.
How have you all been? Holding yourselves together, I hope?
…You’ve certainly been through a lot. You and me both.
And of course, those children. You’ve all been doing so well, guiding them.
Especially the young half-ghost, and the sister a-whorled up in her wake. I admit, I found your actions in regards to her nature… beyond questionable, but I can scarcely imagine a better result to that harrowing day. Good work to you all.
And the young bookkeeper… I wonder if we could have done that differently? Could we have laid low for just a little longer? …Well, no matter. The point is, she’s safe, and that’s more important.
…I’d like to offer you something. A little reward for all your hard work.
Tell me… do you wonder about the choices not taken? The roads not traveled? The paths not walked?
The Reimus, Youmus, Akyuus, Kosuzus, and Marisas that could have been?
…I often wonder as well. I suppose it’s human nature, isn’t it?
I’d like to tell you all a few stories. Not the actual fates we’re watching play out - cute little speculative stories. Glimpses of what could have been.
In so doing, I hope you all gain a better sense of those kids. Sometimes you can’t see the full picture only looking at one side, after all.
As thanks for your recent performance… is there any specific scenario you’d all like to see? I have some scenarios in mind, of course - particular confluences that catch my eye, or ones that I find particularly… resonant. But I’m sure you all have your preferences, as well.
I’ll give you a little taste to start with, of one of the more drastic scenario changes. But where to begin…
Ah yes. Perhaps this one will be to your liking?
Now Youmu and Kosuzu have more things in common to talk about...in that they both have maternal abandonment issues in this timeline ...
Happy mother's day!!
I was going to say that things are looking up for Kokoro, but I then realized that with Youmu here, there's likely nothing to save Koishi from her canon fate unless Spooder Reimu gets deeply involved with Chireiden, which means that Hopeless Masquerade may still be on the table in some form.
That said, Kokoro actually has a decent support network this time around to help her through her issues, so things might not spiral as far out of control as last time.
>>3262
Is it strange that when I look at the top left drawing of Yuuma, my immediate thoughts are that she is plotting some manner of mischief involving mayonnaise?
The cherry trees were in full bloom at Hakugyokurou, filling the air with cherry blossoms and the sweet scent of vanilla that filled the halls. The servants fluttered about, right and left, faceless apparitions preparing meals, sorting out rooms, and caring for various tasks. Yuyuko and Suika sat across from each other, sitting on pillows with A banquet spread across the table that separated them: roast duck, boar, beef, and other unidentifiable meat alongside numerous sweets and bottles of Sake. After everything else, a covered wooden container was left centered on the table.
"Thank you for preparing this meal, Youmu."
The half-phantom bowed, "You are welcome, my lady. I live only to serve you."
Suika laughed, "Wow, you're as much of a suck up as ever, ya'know."
"Ah, please don't be mean to poor Youmu, she really did put a lot of effort into this."
"Whatever, it's just nice to hang out like this. The shrine never has enough food."
Yuyuko agreed, "Yes, it's nice that we're able to have such an enjoyable get-together, Suika."
The two of them lapsed into silence as they began eating, taking from every plate while leaving the wooden container untouched. The conversation was light and enjoyable, with jokes about acquaintances, questions about what the other had been doing recently, and laughter.
"You should have seen how Yukari was back when I was causing everybody to party, she was so worried about me but didn't have the heart to say it or to explain to others what was going on, talk about shy."
"Yes, I wonder how our Yukari would be if a certain someone were kinder to her? Perhaps if they invited her to spend some time with their friends."
"Please, it's your shitty encouragement of her, half her problems are caused by that overly shy, attention loving personality. I'll show you what, I'll go right to her house and drag her to the village, that'll do her some good!" Suika shot back.
"Perhaps you should treat her with more kindness than, don't think I don't know those rude things you say ab
Kiketsu Plushie Investigation Audio Log:
Are we doing this? Really doing this? I mean, Yachie's the boss and all, but they're a child's plushies!
...
As Asami, he-who-manages-Reimu, first of his name, put it, "Yes, shut up, and don't leave the file anywhere you-know-who might find it." Which is absolute fishbait. I don't know why she's suddenly so touchy about the plushies now. Everyone knows the girl loves those things, and she's still willing to dive into the pile when nobody's looking. Maybe the old man found out and teased her about it? Or the crafting goddess? (Sure hope the boss knows what she's doing working with that psycho.) Whatever. Beyond my paygrade.
What, you want me to call her "the miko" all the time? I know that's the cover story, but this is an internal file! Nobody's going to see it!
...
Fine, whatever. You're the boss.
Entry 1 - Genjii:
This one was the easiest one to verify. Our miko had dreamed up a turtle plushie with a beard, we check out the surface, and lo and behold, the Hak- what do you mean we're not using the name? Our miko's never supposed to see this file anyway, right?
Whatever. Anyway, the future youkai shrine has a giant youkai turtle of the same type, complete with beard.
Anyways, Genjii is absolutely our miko's favorite plushie. He's the one she insisted on taking with her when Yuuma attacked, and she loves him to bits. Like, literally to bits, the boss has had to patch him back together several times. She doesn't actually play with him as much, and when she does, he comes out on top, but he's the first one she'll cuddle if she's feeling down, and especially if she's scared. Though she tries to hide whenever she does it these days. It's a pity too, pushing her around on top of Genjii when she was tiny used to be a blast.
Interestingly, Genjii's also the only male plushie in the bunch. Which, taken at face value, means that he must have been the most important man in her past life.
...what? Look, you asked me t
This wasn’t how it was supposed to go.
Keiki’s library should have been amazing. And, at first it had been. Three stories, beautifully carved metal shelves, tasteful marble flooring… from appearance alone it blew the school library Greg vaguely remembered out of the water. And that was before getting to the contents - this place was stocked to the brim with books on every subject imaginable. Finding books on shikigami hadn’t been hard. Chen had practically dragged him to the section on magical theory, and had pulled out six books on the topic in under thirty seconds.
Shikigami - Empowering a Loyal Servant. Symbiotic Magical Bindings, Vol II. Sharing My Head with Me; an Autobiographical Account of Life as a Shikigami. Gaining Magic - Calculating Acceptable Risks. A Study on Mental Gestalts. Nippakigami - A Complete Guide to Autonomous Constructs and Servant Augmentation.
It had been Kiiro’s first clue something was wrong. Only two of them had contained the word “shikigami” in the title, and Chen had barely needed to look at the others. They were still relevant - the table of contents did reveal a chapter on the shikigami spell, but the shikigami hadn’t even opened them to check. And that could only mean one thing.
She already knew what was inside.
He’d torn open the books to check for himself - he had to - but all of it was wrong. Every last book!
Minds working in synchronization, beneficial relationship, servant, not slave, trust between the shikigami and the master - every last reference kept repeating the same ideas, the same propaganda! He’d figured maybe it was just the references Chen had found, that Chinese Robber fallacy thing. It had to be - maybe Keiki’s library was so full of magical references that you couldn’t swing a cat without hitting three books on shikigami, and she was just finding all the doctored ones…
Except… except he couldn’t find anything. He’d been looking, tearing books from the shelves, checking titles, descriptions, table of contents, indices, anything- but somehow there was nothing! Somehow, Yukari had already planned for this, replaced or modified the books in here… in the
It's been a while. If anyone even remembers, I'm the writer of A (Lion-)Dog Among Gods (>>/youkai/31590). I semi-recently talked about my wish to revive that story and my troubles in doing so (>>/gensokyo/17495), and part of that effort is going to be starting off with a small, generally related project. I have something of a direction in mind, so it hopefully won't take me forever to write something, but I'm also not going to promise daily updates or anything that wild. This whole thing will amount to a handful of short updates with no choices. I'd still appreciate it if I got some kind of commentary or discussion.
Don't mind if events or circumstances described clash with what's already been depicted in Lion-Dog.
>>3056
>Too bad they don't really care about one another
Canonically? I guess. I mean, I think there's some... let's say distant concern about each other's affairs vis à vis being youkai, but, yeah, probably not a lot of personal regard. I'm not fully sure what the case is here.
>sounds like Aya could do with a break
Indeed, but what would an Aya on break even do? Hmh, something to ponder, yes.
>Wonder what drives her beyond the surface-level spite.
Indeed. I think that's something Aya herself has to consider. Is she really as concerned with Reimu as she presents? Does she really care about Gensokyo as much as she says? Is her writing a product of pure love for the form, or is there some other impulse there? These aren't simple things to answer, and I don't know if all of them will be answered.
>spoiler
Now, what kind of fool would wish for something like that?
I love how the first part's narration flowed like poetry, and the second part's reminded me of the thick, intelligent paragraphs of an HP Lovecraft story.
>>3259
Erm, not to sound ungrateful for your bothering to comment, but could you expound on that a little more?
What do you mean by the 'first part' and 'second part'? The first and second updates? Or are you dividing the whole thing into two parts? If so, what constitutes the perceived divide? From where to where?
What do mean by the narration flowing 'like poetry'? Can you point to examples from the text that reflect that particularly?
Entries for the latest exhibition >>/gensokyo/17808 go in this thread
The rain chattered as it tumbled from the skies above and down onto the roof of the Myouren Temple. It slid to the sides, unhurried and uninterested in anything before it fell to the earth. It ran into the cracks in the roof where it hadn’t been repaired as thoroughly, and it would see that portion of the roof destroyed should she err too long.
Ichirin watched the droplets cascade down. The weather was downbeat. The rain fell, but in spite of the near-poetry she’d just been crafting, the rain fell in lazy and uninspiring ways, like a whole world slumping its shoulders and giving up. Ichirin wasn’t even sure she could blame it. The world felt uninspiring right now. Maybe that was why her captive hadn’t said much.
A Taoist cap, a collection of multicoloured ribbons around her limbs and neck, and, just for good measure, a tight roped currently tied around her wrists, This last addition had been Ichirin’s idea after she’d conferred with her closest friend. Said friend currently swirled around her, hazy and formless, as Ichirin took hold of the rope and yanked with a grunt. The sullen figure slid across the floor silently, but she soon took notice of the downpour she was being sent out into, and some life returned to her at last. “Nay, wench, I say nay! Thou shalt not cast me unto that deluge!” Her speech was a mess usually, but the panic of being tossed out into the rain had forced her hand. She tried to struggle, but with her hands bound tightly, she didn’;t manage much beyond impotently kicking her legs.
“Why not?” Ichirin asked between harsh breaths as she dragged the captive closer to the edge of the staircase at the front of the temple. “A little splash of water might sort out that mess you call a brain.” She paused and let her captive fall to the floor as she stretched her back and wiped the sweat from her brow. “I realise that this is an exercise in futility, but if you tried not burning down the Temple, this might not happen to you.” There was no response from the captive. “Oh, Futo?” Ichirin leaned down. “Are you ignoring me?” There was a certain level of smugness in this, even though she knew nothing she could say would convince the Taoist to ceas
Ichirin wondered how she did it. Mamizou Futatsuiwa never seemed to let things touch her. Always unflappable; Always ready with a smug quip and a laugh. Ever since she’d come to the Temple, Ichirin had wished she could find some of that attitude.
Minamitsu was still talking. “Hey, you want to go and see if there’s any food here?”
Ichirin lurched to her feet. “Don’t have to ask me twice.” she said, drunkenly staggering for a moment before getting her feet back under her. “Temple food is…yeah. Let’s see.”
One could only take intense blandness with a pinch of salt for so long.
Her feet made six steps before her mind connected the fact that she wasn’t walking unassisted. Minamitsu had taken her arm in hers. “You barely ate anything all day and then you drank all that booze, Ichi. You’re probably more sloshed than a sailor on shore leave already.”
Ichirin frowned. “No, I’m not.” the hiccup she failed to suppress undercut her point somewhat.
“Very convincing.” Minamitsu replied dryly. “Hey, is that the snacks table?” She kept a tight hold on Ichirin, though Ichirin didn’t believe it necessary. Why would it be? She hadn’t drank that much. “Ooh, they’ve got fried tofu.”
Minamitsu’s grip suddenly disappeared and Ichirin found the world lurched slightly around her. Okay, perhaps she’d had a little more to drink than she should’ve, and certainly too fast. Did the ship phantom have a point? No, of course not. Ichirin was fine. Minamitsu was the miserable one.
“‘Mitsu, why were you sad?” Ichirin asked, trying to ignore the way the world was swaying slightly. “You’re not sad like that often any—”
In a flash, Minamitsu’s arm was around Ichirin and pulling her across the grounds again, finally depositing her at the veranda. Unprepared for the movement, Ichirin fell backward, thankful that the surface was dry and mostly clean. Her limbs felt heavy.
“Hang on, let me just…” Ichirin felt herself lifted upright, then felt her mouth being pried open. Before she could ask just what was happening, she was released to fall to the veranda again. “Thought so. Tengu liquor. No wonder. Mamizou c
Gah, >>3244 here with a minor note. Because of the character limits I had to shift some things when posting, and I somehow ended up losing a paragraph in one part.
>The goddess gave a great exhalation [...]
“No, no, great goddess, there is truly fault on the part of at least some of the great-tengu. I’m sure a few could have done a little better to make sure their schedules were clearer,” the tube-fox replied, bowing deeply. The razor-sharp smile had renewed itself on her face. She casually named off a few names, casting their otherwise vaunted positions among the great-tengu as relatively unimportant. Though she remained straight-faced listening to the fox, there was a flicker of interest in the goddess’s deep red eyes.
>“Well, I don’t know what political game [...]
Under the shadow of the full moon a masked multitude gathers. They tell tales of Gensokyo, of the masks worn by both people and places. Perhaps they are stories of fact, of the lies everyone tells for the greatest and small of reasons. Perhaps they are simply idle fiction, farce and fancy to get a smile out of all present.
Or perhaps they are stories of when the masks slip. Of what lies beneath the surface. The real Gensokyo, hidden under the facade...
Contest Entries for the 2024 Halloween Contest go here! If you don't know what's going on, or you just want to see the rules, follow this link: >>/gensokyo/17580
Over her two lives with Kyouko, Mystia had always had one ironclad rule - the louder the ex-yamabiko was, the less Mystia had to worry. It was a trait carried over from her mountain echo days, and all she had to do with the now-Tanuki’s volume was adjust her expectations to accommodate the smaller volume range.
Right now, though, Kyouko was dead silent. She just stared at the glowing pagoda powering the grill. Mystia felt a drop of sweat trickle down her neck, as the younger girl quietly sucked in a breath.
“...Um.,” she began, hesitantly. “Mystia… this… this is your heirloom?”
Mystia nodded. “...Y-yeah? Wait, do you recognise it?”
“...Um. Yeah, you could say that.” The tanuki had broken out in a cold sweat. She slowly raised her head, looking Mystia all over. “And… Iunno about your dad, but I- I might know who your mom is.”
The catgirl gulped. “R-really? Y-you can tell it just from that? I didn’t know there was a maneki-neko at Myouren- wait, you don’t mean Mike, do you? She’s only got a couple of years on me, and she’s still living here-”
“Sh-she’s not a maneki-neko - and, uh, I’m really starting to doubt you are, either.” Kyouko took a deep breath, screwing her eyes shut. “Mystia… that’s the Jeweled Pagoda of Bishamonten. The one Lady Shou had.”
The silence hung in the air for a few weighty seconds. Even the bustle of the streets seemed to die down for a moment. Mystia stared at the tanuki, slack-jawed.
Kyouko coughed, awkwardly. “Um, and y’know, you’re pretty tall compared to the other girls here. It makes sense if you’re actually, um, y’know… you know.”
“Shou? Lady Shou?” A few loose cogs in Mystia’s brain began to spin. “Lady Toramaru Shou?”
“Yeah.”
A few more cogs began to click into place. “‘Tora’... as in tiger?”
“...Y-yeah.”
The silence returned for a few seconds more. Mystia’s brain, with agonising sluggishness, finally managed to spit out the answer.
“I’M A TIGER?!”
Kyouko flinche
"Excuse me, does this bus go to Gensokyo?"
> What she got instead was a completely blank look. The sage gave no recognition of the name whatsoever
Just caught up. And I fixated at this bit. Has Yukari forgotten what it was like to be Merry? A bit like how Shirohime remembers her past self, but none of the spells?
Is RenMerry dead?!
> Ran seemed entirely lost for words as Tsukasa continued. “I-It’s been so long, I’ve lost so much… it almost feels like it isn’t even real anymore. I-if you hadn’t shown up, I-I might have had to ask Megumu if any of it was the truth.” The tears kept flowing. “D-do you know what it’s like, Ran? To lose yourself? To feel everything you were slipping away?”
> “I…” The kitsune hesitated before sighing. “Not… personally, no. But I’ve seen someone decline like that before. I’m… sorry you had to go through that, Shirohime.”
Seems like Yukari might have forgotten who she was...
I wonder what happened to Renko.
Author's Note: Couldn't get an image I liked.
The bake-danuki before her took a long drag of her pipe. The smoke fell from her mouth as she chortled, an unnaturally large and thick amount. “Oh…? And what will you do against all of us, I wonder?” From the tobacco smoke leaped a hoard of tanukis and demons.
In response, Ran dashed forward. Her left hand was on the other youkai’s right shoulder. Her right hand held its heart. “You… pathetic… wretch…” she snarled into her ear. “Did you really… think… you had a… chance… of even… intimidating me? Or do you not know my name…?” She pulled the organ out through the cavernous wound and held it high above her head. “This is what your master has earned with her defiance! No creature can hope to stand against Ran, emperor kitsune!” She squeezed the heart and let the blood drip into her mouth. It was warm, thick, and delicious.
“Well? What will it be?” Mamizou asked.
Ran Yakumo blinked. “I’m sorry, I was lost in thought for a moment; I’ve been in a very similar situation before.”
“Then I suggest you do what you did before and live another day,” the bake-danuki chuckled.
The kitsune sighed. “There are thirty-seven of you. That is just over four times the number of bake-danuki that lived in Gensokyo yesteryear. Census records show that the population of the Human Village continues to hover around one thousand in number. That’s one thousand humans that know enough about tanukis to get rid of them, and they don’t care for thieves. And that’s nothing to say about my master and the Hakurei shrine maiden. You may no longer need to forage for small amounts, but taking too much can also be cause for serious concern. I highly recommend you do something to pay the humans back for what you have… relocated. That way, at least, you might be spared from cruel retribution.”
The bake-danuki was quiet for a while. “I understand
It’s a quiet day, as I like. There are many ways to pass the time, some very exhilarating, others collected. Mine is often associated with the former.
I puff a hit of smoke from my pipe, my pride and joy. Smoking isn’t what I’m referring to, though. That’s very much the latter.
No, the pastime that I prefer and give to the people of this land of Gensokyo is that of gambling. In this room suffocated by my pipe smoke there are many Youkai of all creeds who roll dice, draw cards- and some even bring in tiles on occasion. The regulars are tengu, kappa, and various other miscreants that live on this cutely named Youkai Mountain. I’ve taken residence in my own little corner called the False Heaven Shelf for so long that people who come to play don’t even remember my species, though that’s not their fault. Over the ages everyone began to look closer and closer to humans in appearance, until one day I noticed that my own robes were filled by someone I didn’t quite recognize. Not the worst thing to happen to a mountain hag.
The changing times didn’t stop anyone from enjoying foolish risks or having luck be in their favor, no. I would say it let them enjoy their pastime more than before, treating those human compulsions like their own. The only changes now are remnants of the world we left behind appearing on occasion. Nothing so grand as lost writings or treasures. We’re the kinds of people to look for western card games or new house rules for games on hand.
A couple weeks ago, one of these house rules came into my den. It was a funny little thing at first, just an old hanafuda game called Koi-Koi. Seldom played in my view, the many Youkai decidedly considering it too juvenile for them to participate in. Quite ironic to hear coming from the diminutive kappa, with their upturned heads planted on oversized packs. I thought it no more than nostalgic novelty to see the hanafuda cards broken out, with the preference for western playing cards over the last decades.
What truly caught my eye was when they suggested different house rules. They would shorten the game length from the original twelve rounds to just three. Twelve represents one year, like how the cards of hanafuda
Finally have some time to properly give my thoughts on the story. Sorry for the surprise, but I've actually been wanting to give this piece a proper critique since it first showed up in the front page. I love gambling stories, and all I want from this critique is to simply encourage more writers about this genre. That said, let's begin with the positives...
This version definitely have a better and more concise description than the previous one; I have a good time following the game - as opposed to the original version - and, as a result, the game felt pretty intense too. The little girl from the original is removed, allowing the story to focus more into its main conflict. The story still retain its strong points from the previous version: Sannyo's laidback characterization and her love of gambling is still good. The 'atmosphere' (couldn't find the right word) of Sannyo's gambling life is also great, adding more to the story and making it feel more alive. I also love that you've made Sannyo use her smoke against Yachie, adding more layer of depth into the strategies of the game.
Frankly, I don't think I could point out any real weakness from the story without being overly nitpicking, since the previous version's main weakness (the difficult flow of the game) has been resolved. Perhaps the exposition could flow better if the story starts from Yachie's appearance? Maybe the hook could start immediately with the game they're playing so it would grab the reader's attention? These are merely suggestions. Though, it seems there is an editing mistake in the line when these wolf tengu show up:
>The sliding door slams open and in come wolf tengu. Based on their drawn patrol weapons, they’re obviously not here to gamble.
>The sliding door slams open, and in file three tengu in white. The wolf tengu, and their patrol weapons. These aren’t late gamblers.
It doesn't bother me much, but it's pretty funny to imagine them going over the door twice.
Overall, I really enjoyed it, and I'd say that this is definitely an improvement from the previo
>>3010
Damn, I was trying so much to make sure I didn't really make that mistake but I guess it was inevitable. A little bit of insight, I basically took the chunk that people gave the most critique on, the beginning, and highlighted the whole thing before writing a whole new section effectively on top of it. That was also how I did a bunch of other paragraph redrafts, and that's how it ended up with the wolf tengu coming in twice, I simply forgot to highlight the old to delete. The former quote is the new version whereas the latter is the old.
And I really appreciate the thoughts that you've put in here, I was really happy getting through this and using the major points from the exhibition to touch up the parts that weren't quite landing right. Atmosphere and character is something that I really like to get right when I have the room to add it in, something that I don't give myself the privilege of doing as much in my main story Ecology.
I stated it before in my self critique on the original commentaries, but I originally set out on this idea as a way to practice telling a story using something that I only have a general feel for and that readers would not know on the outset. Using gambling games was a great chance to practice that scenario as even if people think I didn't do well the first time, and even if people will say I didn't do well this time, if I can sway the opinion of some people then that makes the effort worthwhile.
>>3011
Yet another case of Murphy's law taking its victim. Don't worry that much, though. I just find it hillarious more than anything.
I'm glad that my thoughts are appreciated. I personally have difficulty in forming words, so it's good to know that my critique reached you well. I also want to improve my wording as well, so giving these critiques is a nice exercise for me.
