GENSOKYO INVADED BY ROWDY HUMANS!! THE END OF EVERYONE’S PEACEFUL LIVES?!

13th July, 2---

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Recently, a species of human not native to Gensokyo arrived and began causing chaos among not only the youkai but the humans of the village as well. They can be identified by their distinct clothing: A patterned button-down shirt (resembling an expensive kimono worn to a festival), light-brown short pants with huge pockets on the sides, wristwatches, white shoes, and expensive-looking sunglasses, typically black but possibly large multicolored ones that cover a third of the face.

These humans have been reportedly causing significant disturbances, such as climbing property and jumping off of it, yelling for seemingly no reason, fighting one another, and even trespassing.

Many youkai and humans have complained to the Hakurei shrine maiden, asking her to do something about this seemingly non-magical incident.

“A bunch of ‘em climbed our house, shaking the walls and making a mess inside!” a trio of fairies whined.

“We were checking the weather at the dragon statue when one of them suddenly started attacking another and wrestled him to the ground!” a prominent village figure spoke.

“One of the humans kissed me suddenly, and now I can’t even find him to give him a rose!” a flower youkai complained.

“Two of them carried one of their friends into my clinic with a smashed face,” a pharmacist told the shrine maiden. “These humans are as much a danger to themselves as they are to others, if not more!”

“They invaded the mountain just to watch the sunrise. When we confronted them about it, they didn’t listen when we told them to leave. While they were relatively docile this time, who’s to say it will be the same another? We will not let them trespass again. This is your only warning,” a lazy white wolf tengu informed.

“They were trying to ask me for political opinions about America and blasting punk rock music!” a mountain goddess complained.

“They were really good songs!” her shrine maiden added.

“They were in my store playing with my goods until I forced them to leave,” a shopkeeper spoke.

“I saw one reading a book written by a political extremist,” a temple school teacher noted.

“They were swimming around in the Misty Lake, jumping from their boat, while I was trying to get some sleep!” a mermaid whined.

An interview with these humans was attempted but unsuccessful as they only speak a language called English.

In conclusion, these humans are as rowdy as oni, though not nearly as dangerous, getting up to as much mischief as the average fairy but with possibly less malice. While one might think they are safe around them, it is advised to keep a distance of at least 2-3 meters to avoid being collateral damage of their spontaneous fights. It’s especially important to flee when they yell the phrase, “IT’S WHITE BOY SUMMER!!” Whether this is the end of Gensokyo’s peace and the beginning of something terrible is yet to be seen, but all eyes and ears will be wide open until they’re gone.

—Aya Shameimaru