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File 148921183335.png - (654.03KB, 629x713, WHO DOES THIS HERETIC THINK SHE IS.png) [iqdb]
194695
THREAD ONE: >>185269
THREAD TWO: >>185998
THREAD THREE: >>186634
THREAD FOUR: >>193855
__________

Nope. No. Nuh-uh. I'm not getting between a screaming witch and a massive super-soldier whatever the hell he's supposed to be. Nah. I'm going to just take a seat on the bookshelf right here and let them keep swearing at each other.

“GET THE FUCK DOWN FROM THERE, YOU PORPORATE PAJAMA'D PIECE OF PISS!” says the golden invader, gesticulating furiously at Patchouli.

“OH, HOLY SHIT, HE ACTUALLY KNOWS BIG WORDS!” Patchouli replies, and now I've learned what sarcasm sounds like when it's screamed at someone.

“I AM NOT A GODDAMN ILLITERATE, YOU PUTRID PUSTULE.”

“ALLITERATION ISN'T CLEVER, SHITLORD.”

“FUCK YOU, I LIKE IT. AND I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING, YOU CUNTNUGGET. IF YOU'RE A LIBRARIAN, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SHOUTING SO MUCH IN YOUR DEN OF NERDERY?”

“IT'S MY LIBRARY AND I'LL DO WHAT I WANT, YOU SACK OF DIARRHEA,” Patchouli is making a variety of rude gestures I can't really make out through the fire around her.

The Space Marine (what a ridiculous name) shakes his head. “YOU HAVE NO FUCKING SENSE OF ETIQUETTE. DISGRACEFUL.”

I cringe as Patchouli's voice pierces the air, somehow worse than one of Sakuya's knives slamming into my eardrums. “YOU GODSDAMNED HYPOCRITE. WHY DON'T YOU GET RUMIA TO FELLATE YOU.”

The man folds his arms, glowering up at Patchouli.“I DON'T GET THE REFERENCE YOU ARE MAKING BUT I REALLY DO NOT CARE FOR YOUR TONE RIGHT NOW.”

“SHE'D EAT YOUR NONEXISTENT PENIS, DICKLESS. THAT IS THE IMPLICATION.”

The marine lifts a finger, wagging it disapprovingly. “NUH-UH, SHE'D HAVE TO BE ABLE TO CHEW THROUGH THE MIGHTIEST COCK IN ALL THE GALAXY IN ORDER TO EVEN HAVE A CHANCE AT HARMING ME.”

“BULLSHIT. YOU'RE DICKLESS AND I KNOW IT. YOU'RE ON SO MANY STEROIDS THAT YOU'VE SHRIVELED UP DOWN THERE. I BET IT LOOKS LIKE AN ACORN.”

“...WHY AN ACORN?”

“BECAUSE IT COULD GROW INTO A GIANT TREE BUT IT'S PROBABLY JUST GOING TO GET EATEN BY A SQUIRREL OR SOMETHING.”

“YOU'RE LOSING ME WITH YOUR SHITTY METAPHORS HERE.” He scratches his helmet. “...WHAT THE FUCK IS A SQUIRREL, EVEN.”

Patchouli slaps a hand against her hat. “ARE YOU FOR SERIOUS?”

I, meanwhile, dare to raise a hand. “And what're steroids, even?”

Patchouli spins about to face me, and I abruptly lower my hand. “DO I LOOK LIKE I'M TALKING TO YOU?”

“WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE AN EMPRAH-DAMNED CONVERSATION HERE, YOU SHIT,” adds the marine.

I stay very quiet, hoping they'll go back to shouting at each other. Instead, Patchouli keeps looking at me, which is bad. “...AND WHY THE HELL ARE YOU JUST SITTING THERE? GO DO YOUR JOB TRYING TO STOP HIM SO I CAN SET HIM ON FIRE WHILE HE'S DISTRACTED.

“I THINK SHE'S BEING A COWARD,” says the marine.

“WHAT.”

Oh no. “Patchouli, don't you dare-

“WHAT'S YOUR NAME?” Patchouli asks him, ignoring my warning.

“DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS, BITCH,” comes his reply as I straighten up, getting ready for whatever madness is about to happen.

“ALL RIGHT.” Patchouli levels a burning arm at me. “I'M SICK OF THIS LAYABOUT NOT DOING ANYTHING USEFUL. I'LL KILL YOU IN A MINUTE.”

“YOU GONNA SET HER ON FIRE?”

“YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I AM.”

Oh my god,” I say, bracing myself to punch a witch. “Are you seriously turning on me while he's right there?

“HE CAN WAIT, YOU PUSSY.”

My eyelid twitches. “I despise you, Patchouli.”

“GOOD. MAYBE YOU'LL DO SOMETHING USEFUL FOR A CHANGE TRYING TO ACT ON IT.”

“Stop screaming!” I snap, thoroughly sick of it – and then Doyou Evenliftimus (that name is so dumb) pulls himself up onto the top of the bookcase.

“WHAT UP, I'M JOINING THE FUN.”

Patchouli finally lowers her (incredibly hoarse, now) voice. “Fine with me, you fuckman. I'll fry you after I'm done with her.”

“COOL. I'MMA HELP, CUZ THIS PANSY KEPT RUNNING AWAY, AND SUCH COWARDICE IS ABSOLUTELY DISGRACEFUL.

“You can both go straight to hell,” I say, glancing between the two of them as I size up my godawful odds.

“BEEN THERE, GOT OUT, NOT GOIN' BACK.”

Ugh.
__________

[X] I'm done. I quit. I'm out. This stopped being my problem the moment Patchouli went turncoat.

[X] Screw it, I'm punching Patchouli out before I inevitably go down swinging. That's the only thing I want out of my life, now.
File 148921279839.jpg - (40.33KB, 500x600, 7e94030740fc5be5ab4d662bafd328e7.jpg) [iqdb]
194698
[X] I'm done. I quit. I'm out. This stopped being my problem the moment Patchouli went turncoat.
[X] I'm done. I quit. I'm out. This stopped being my problem the moment Patchouli went turncoat.
[X] I'm done. I quit. I'm out. This stopped being my problem the moment Patchouli went turncoat.
[X] I'm done. I quit. I'm out. This stopped being my problem the moment Patchouli went turncoat.

Oh HELL no. Where the hell is Sakuya in all of this anyway?!
[X] I'm done. I quit. I'm out. This stopped being my problem the moment Patchouli went turncoat.

This is no longer your job.
[X] Screw it, I'm punching Patchouli out before I inevitably go down swinging. That's the only thing I want out of my life, now.

ARE YOU A PUSSY? ARE YOU JUST GONNA GIVE UP, HUH?
[X] Screw it, I'm punching Patchouli out before I inevitably go down swinging. That's the only thing I want out of my life, now.

A man has got to stick to his principles.
[X] Screw it, I'm punching Patchouli out before I inevitably go down swinging. That's the only thing I want out of my life, now.
[X] Screw it, I'm punching Patchouli out before I inevitably go down swinging. That's the only thing I want out of my life, now.
[X] Screw it, I'm punching Patchouli out before I inevitably go down swinging. That's the only thing I want out of my life, now.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MWLqqswCcyE
[X] I'm done. I quit. I'm out. This stopped being my problem the moment Patchouli went turncoat.

I HAVE A CUNNING PLAN. IF WE DIRECT THIS FAIRY TO RUN LIKE A BITCH IT WILL ENRAGE BOTH PATCHOULI AND DOYOU, CAUSING THEM TO ENGAGE IN SUPER-MEGA JOLLY COOPERATION LEADING TO THE PURGATION OF THE MANSION WITH PATCHOULI PROVIDING THE FLAMERS, ARTILLERY AND DISTRACTIONS WHILE DOYOU DUELS DEVIL DUO DOING DASTARDLY DEEDS.
[X] I'm done. I quit. I'm out. This stopped being my problem the moment Patchouli went turncoat.

Friendly fire? Friendly fire.
>>194736

Both DOYOU and patches are already at the level of rage attained only when CHASING DOWN A BITCH-ASS FAIRY. He would have to do something more rage inducing than running to get them to progress to a higher level of rage.
[X] I'm done. I quit. I'm out. This stopped being my problem the moment Patchouli went turncoat.
[X] I'm done. I quit. I'm out. This stopped being my problem the moment Patchouli went turncoat.
File 148929440286.jpg - (495.37KB, 700x980, MORE DISAPPROVAL-WITCH.jpg) [iqdb]
194761
Faced with two foes of terrible power, I do the only reasonable thing left for me at this point. “Fuck you, Patchouli, I resign.”

“WHAT” says the marine.

“You can't do that!” Patchouli adds, smoldering both figuratively and literally.

“Watch me.” I spin about on a boot and start striding away – which leaves me only one direction, since, you know, top of a bookcase and all that, but it's the principle of it all. Two steps is all I take before I throw myself sideways in anticipation of what's to come, and I'm rewarded by not being incinerated by the gout of fire that just tore through the air where I used to be. I spin around once again, hovering as I make ready to swear at Patchouli, except oh god that's a flamethrower dodgeeeeeeeee

“WHOA. WHOA HEY WHOA WHAT HEY FUCKING STOP WITH-” says the marine in the area, but I'm too busy fleeing from the stream of fire Patchouli's throwing at me to really pay attention – until Doyou's voice gets even louder when Patchouli splashes him, anyway. “AWRIGHT YOU JUNKSLUT I WAS WILLING TO PUT OFF POUNDING YOU UNTIL AFTER I GOT THE FAE BITCH, BUT NOW THE EMPEROR HIMSELF COULDN'T FUCKING PROTECT YOU FROM ME.”

Patchouli responds with a raw screech as she aims both hands at him, double the fire(heh)power engulfing the poor, dumb son of a bitch... right before he just leaps through it, a mighty hand catching Patchouli as he flies past her, screaming wordlessly as he takes her down, also screaming, all the way to the ground floor in a spinning piledriver.

I look over the ledge, hearing the earthshaking impact before I see- oh, jeez, that's a crater.

“WHAT THE FUCK, THAT WAS PATHETICALLY EASY,” says Doyou, hands on his hips as he glowers at Patchouli, embedded halfway into the floor. “I HONESTLY EXPECTED MORE AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY. FUCKING BITCH-ASS PSYKERS CAN'T EVEN TAKE A HIT.” He looks up at me, and I brace to run in case he jumps – and instead, he waves. “GET THE FUCK DOWN HERE, I WANNA TALK REAL QUICK.”

...I could run, but, uh, I'd rather not have him chasing me. So! I stop flying, plummeting down and down and land, hard, and then I'm back on my feet a healthy distance from the massive man who just annihilated my former boss. “Uh-”

Ooough,” groans Patchouli, very muffled by virtue of her head being through the floor, a leg twitching.

Doyou bumps her with his foot. “WELL, THIS BITCH IS ENTIRELY WITHOUT ANY MERIT AS A HUMAN FUCKING BEING. WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE PSYKERS WHO ACT LIKE THIS?”

“Psykers?” I can't help but ask, seeing as he apparently doesn't want to slaughter me just yet.

“Y'KNOW.” He gestures about vaguely. “NERDS.”

“Oh.”

He dusts his hands off, not taking those red eyes off mine. “SO. ARE YOU GOING TO TRY TO STOP ME FROM BEATING EVERYONE UP?”

I shrug. “I did resign.”

His shoulders sage. “WELL, FUCK. I COULD STILL BEAT YOU UP BUT NOW IT ISN'T EVEN FUN.” Aaaand he just perked right back up. “YOU SAID YOU'RE A CAPTAIN? AND ALSO, WHILE I STILL DON'T BELIEVE YOU ON THIS ONE, YOU'RE A FAIRY?”

Is he going where I think he is with this? “I think I just lost the rights to my position here, but the latter is still true!”

“BAH, FUCK 'EM, THESE CHODES ARE FUCKING GARBAGE.” He thumps a fist against his torso, the impact ringing out. “I, MEANWHILE, COULD USE SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS THE FAIRY PSYCHE FOR MY TEAM. THEY ARE DUMB. THEY ARE WEAK. BUT THEY ARE FUCKIN' LOYAL. MAYBE YOU CAN RECTIFY THE FIRST TWO THINGS.”

Oh, wow, he is! “Let me make this perfectly clear. Are you trying to give me a job offer after maiming one of my co-workers, piledriving my psychotic boss, and attempting to beat me up?”

“WELL HONESTLY IT'S EITHER THAT OR I SQUISH YOUR FACE LIKE I DID THE FLOWER BITCH'S.”

“...Meiling's fine, though?”

“NO, NO, I MEAN THE OTHER FLOWER BITCH. I SQUISHED HER FACE. AND HER SUNFLOWERS.”

Sunflowers? But that means- “Oh.

“YEAH I GET THAT A LOT BUT SHE REALLY WASN'T THAT TOUGH.” He lifts a reddened boot. “I LIKE THIS SHADE OF BLOOD. REALLY ACCENTUATES MY GOLDEN GLORY.”

“Oooh,” I say, resisting the urge to take a step back in case he decides I'm a coward worth punching.

“YEAH.” He points at me. “SO ABOUT THAT JOB OFFER. MOST BITCHES NEED TO BE TOTALLY PUMMELED FIRST BUT I-” he lays his hands on his chestplate, “-AM WILLING TO GIVE A FELLOW ARMORED GIANT, RELATIVELY SPEAKING, A DISCOUNT. THE DISCOUNT IS THAT I DO NOT MAUL YOU.”

“I-”

...think about everything I deal with here. Like, for example, psychotic librarians.

“...What's the paycheck?” I ask, hopefully.

He claps his hands together, rubbing them gleefully. “YOU GET TO SPREAD THE GOD EMPEROR OF MANKIND'S GLORIOUS NAME THROUGHOUT GENSOKYO, AND ALSO HELP ME PUNCH YUKARI.”

“But no money?” I ask.

“NO MONEY,” he confirms.

Huh.

I mean, I guess I am fresh out of a job. “...Shit, I'm in.”

“FUCK YEAH!” He offers me a massive fist. “COME OVER HERE SO I CAN SWEAR YOU IN-”

GA-SHUNK
__________

“And that's for betraying the mansion with this talk of quitting,” says the silver-haired knifey maid bitch that had just appeared behind your latest potential acquisition, who is currently cross-eyed and suffering from an acute case of KNIFE THROUGH BRAIN. The former captain topples, but does NOT go POOF, unlike every other fairy you've seen mauled.

“THAT'S SOME FUCKIN' RAD MARKSMANSHIP, YOU KNOW THAT?” you say, tensing up in case miss Ow The Edge tries to lacerate you too. “BUT NOW I MUST SLAY YOU FOR TERMINATING MY LATEST RECRUIT BEFORE I COULD PROPERLY SEAL THE DEAL, YOU OCTOGENARIAN TWAT.”

She cocks an eyebrow, twirling another knife between her fingers. “Are you just calling me that because of my hair?”

“YEP.”

She scoffs. “No imagination. Besides, if anyone's old around here, it'd be Milady Scarlet.”

“WHAT KIND OF FUCKING NAME IS MILADY.”

The maid squints at you severely. “...It's a title, you moron.”

“OH.” You idly consider throwing the SHIT-RIPPER at this low-life fagola, but the fact that you left it outside embedded in the ground puts a damper on that. Then you look at the UTTERLY REKT captain at your feet. “HMMMMMM.”

“Don't even think of beating me with her,” says the bitch who REMAINS UNREKT at this juncture in time.

“SEE, THAT JUST MAKES ME WANT TO DO IT MORE,” you say. She shakes her head in disgust.
__________

[X] SUPER FIGHTING MISSILE, ARMOR FAIRY

[X] JUMPING PUNCH ATTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK

[X] YOU CAN BE HORRIFICALLY VIOLENT WITH WORDS ALONE, ACTUALLY, WHICH NO ONE EVER SEEMS TO EXPECT
[X] SUPER FIGHTING MISSILE, ARMOR FAIRY
Bitches throw knives, emperor's chosen throw bitches.
>>194761
[X] YOU CAN BE HORRIFICALLY VIOLENT WITH WORDS ALONE, ACTUALLY, WHICH NO ONE EVER SEEMS TO EXPECT
[X] YOU CAN BE HORRIFICALLY VIOLENT WITH WORDS ALONE, ACTUALLY, WHICH NO ONE EVER SEEMS TO EXPECT

STRONG VIOLENCE
[X] YOU CAN BE HORRIFICALLY VIOLENT WITH WORDS ALONE, ACTUALLY, WHICH NO ONE EVER SEEMS TO EXPECT

The only surprising thing is that she didn't defect earlier.
[X] YOU CAN BE HORRIFICALLY VIOLENT WITH WORDS ALONE, ACTUALLY, WHICH NO ONE EVER SEEMS TO EXPECT

VENGEANCE FOR OUR ALMOST MINION
[X] YOU CAN BE HORRIFICALLY VIOLENT WITH WORDS ALONE, ACTUALLY, WHICH NO ONE EVER SEEMS TO EXPECT

YOUR FUCKBOYNESS HAS TICKED BACK UP, BUT ONLY BY ONE BLIP.
[x] Unlock your word-hoard, motherfucker. It’s time for a Boast.

Oh, wait, no. That was a different story in which a powerful tabletop game character with anger issues was visiting the SDM. My mistake.

[X] YOU CAN BE HORRIFICALLY VIOLENT WITH WORDS ALONE, ACTUALLY, WHICH NO ONE EVER SEEMS TO EXPECT
[X] YOU CAN BE HORRIFICALLY VIOLENT WITH WORDS ALONE, ACTUALLY, WHICH NO ONE EVER SEEMS TO EXPECT
[X] YOU CAN BE HORRIFICALLY VIOLENT WITH WORDS ALONE, ACTUALLY, WHICH NO ONE EVER SEEMS TO EXPECT
[X] BE SURE TO CRANK THE PUNS UP TO TWELVE
[X] YOU CAN BE HORRIFICALLY VIOLENT WITH WORDS ALONE, ACTUALLY, WHICH NO ONE EVER SEEMS TO EXPECT

I WANT TO SEE HER CRYING WITHIN THE MINUTE
[X] YOU CAN BE HORRIFICALLY VIOLENT WITH WORDS ALONE, ACTUALLY, WHICH NO ONE EVER SEEMS TO EXPECT
[X] BE SURE TO CRANK THE PUNS UP TO TWELVE
[X] YOU CAN BE HORRIFICALLY VIOLENT WITH WORDS ALONE, ACTUALLY, WHICH NO ONE EVER SEEMS TO EXPECT
[X] JUMPING PUNCH ATTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK
[X] YOU CAN BE HORRIFICALLY VIOLENT WITH WORDS ALONE, ACTUALLY, WHICH NO ONE EVER SEEMS TO EXPECT
[X] YOU CAN BE HORRIFICALLY VIOLENT WITH WORDS ALONE, ACTUALLY, WHICH NO ONE EVER SEEMS TO EXPECT.
File 148935690026.png - (2.49MB, 2000x3000, doyou.png) [iqdb]
194809
>>194809
It's beautiful.

Can you draw Yuuka and Doyou's fight next, complete with Shitripper?
>>194809
That's great. Really captures the emotion of the scene.
File 148937954750.jpg - (112.93KB, 792x1036, AIN'T YOU THE PERFECT PICTURE OF CHEERINESS.jpg) [iqdb]
194823
“Really, sir, you're a blight,” says the maid, now looking you up and down appraisingly. Her eyes stop at your boots. “And you're tracking blood. Disgusting.”

“I DRESS APPROPRIATELY WHEN VISITING PLACES CALLED THE FUCKING SCARLET DEVIL MANSION, YOU HERETICAL TITMUFFIN.”

That appears to have been the EXACTLY PROPER choice of words to make her start attempting to lacerate you as she flings her arms out, and OH COME ON, WHERE THE FUCK DID ALL THESE KNIVES COME FROM THAT'RE FLOATING BEHIND HER?

“Breaking and entering, assaulting the staff, shouting in the library, convincing people to turn traitor, swearing relentlessly, and insulting me with nonsensical phrases,” she rattles off, her knives rotating MENACINGLY. “That's six offenses already. I don't think anyone would mind if I-”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP.”

She blinks. “Excuse me?”

“SO FAR, ALL I HAVE SEEN AROUND HERE ARE COWARDS, WEAKLINGS, AND BITCHES, AND YOU SEEMS TO FIT ALL THREE, THROWING PANSY SWARMS OF LITTLE KNIVES AT PEOPLE INSTEAD OF FIGHTING IN MELEE LIKE A PROPER WARRIOR. SO IT'S NOT REALLY THAT MUCH OF A STEP DOWN FROM EVERYWHERE ELSE I HAVE GONE BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN HEARTILY SAY GO FUCK YOURSELF REGARDLESS.

“I-” she starts to protest, but you just KEEP GOING, PRANCING ABOUT in a FAGGOTY MANNER, flapping your arms like a TOTAL FOPPISH PRICK.

'LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! I CAN THROW KNIVES AND SHOW OFF FINESSE AND BE HAUGHTY AND CONDE-FUCKIN-SCENDING. WOWEE, I'M SO SUPERIOR TO YOU PLEBS!'” You stop with your exaggerated flopping about to thrust a finger at her. “HOW GODDAMN LOW CAN YOUR STANDARDS BE?”

Her icy exterior is cracking. “S-shut up!”

“NO. SUCK MY DICK. SUCK EVERY DICK I COULD EVER POSSIBLY HAVE. THIS IS THE WORST 'MANSION' I HAVE EVER HAD THE DISPLEASURE OF SEEING IN MY LIFE.”

The maid's arms are held tight to her sides, now, her face red with probably rage. “You wouldn't know anything about proper aesthetics, you brute!”

You can't help laughing in the face of such idiocy, laying your hands on your stomach as you have yourself some chuckles. “OHO, HOHOHOHOHO, LET ME COUNT THE FUCKING WAYS THAT YOU ARE MISERABLY WRONG. YOUR MANSION IS BUT A SHITSTAIN COMPARED TO THE MAGNIFICENT ARCHITECTURE OF THE IMPERIUM OF MAN. WE HAVE GIANT DOOM-CATHEDRALS AND SKULL FORTRESS BATTLESHIPS, GODDAMN IT, AND YOU'RE ALL HOITY-TOITY PROUD OF YOUR SCARLET DEVIL MANSION THAT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A SINGLE FUCKING SKULL AROUND THE PLACE! IT'S DISGRACEFUL.

She inhales sharply in outrage, eyes wide, pupils shrinking. “How dare-

“SHUT THE FUCK UP I'M NOT DONE. LOOK AROUND YOU.” You gesticulate appropriately at the surrounding GIANT LIBRARY. “OH, I'LL GRANT THAT YOU'VE GOT SIZE FOR DAYS IN THIS PLACE THROUGH WARP MAGIC OR SOME OTHER BULLSHIT – BUT WHAT DO YOU DO WITH IT? NOTHING. NOT A FUCKING GODDAMNED THING – IT'S HUGE FOR THE SAKE OF BEING HUGE, INSTEAD OF HUGE FOR THE SAKE OF HOUSING OTHER COOL HUGE THINGS THAT AREN'T BOOKSHELVES. NO PROPER GOTHIC DECORATIONS, NO ORNATE SIGILS OF THE IMPERIUM, NOT EVEN ANY HOLY WRITINGS LAID OUT ON THE WALLS FOR THE PLEBS TO READ. DO YOU EVEN RELIGION AT ALL?”

“That's not-”

“AND IF THAT WEREN'T BAD ENOUGH, YOU CAN'T EVEN GET ANYTHING PROPERLY DONE IN THE OTHER DIRECTION! I'D EXPECT HERETICS LIKE YOURSELVES TO AT LEAST DO A GOOD JOB OF MAKING YOUR DEN OF INIQUITY LOOK PROPERLY MENACING, BUT YOU FAIL EVEN THERE! THE MOST YOU PLAY TO THE SCARLET DEVIL THEME IS HAVING A LOT OF RED AROUND THE PLACE, BUT THAT'S HARDLY WORTH ANYTHING. WHAT KIND OF SHOW ARE YOU EVEN RUNNING HERE WHERE THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO OFFER? THE HERETICS I'M USED TO ARE DISGUSTING TRAITORS, BUT GODDAMMIT, AT LEAST THEY TEND TO HAVE PANACHE!

She's looking more and more stricken with every word out of your mouth. GOOD. You plant your hands on your hips. “BUT THIS? THIS IS JUST – IT'S BORING. YOU BORE ME. THIS SHIT IS SO BLAND MY EYES GLAZE OVER WHENEVER I LOOK AROUND, BECAUSE ONCE YOU GET PAST THE INITIAL POP OF EVERYTHING BEING SUPER-LARGE, NOTHING STANDS OUT.” You lean towards her, lowering your voice for emphasis. “YOUR MANSION IS A FUCKING ABOMINATION IN THE EYES OF RIGHT-THINKING IMPERIAL DECORATORS EVERYWHERE, AND YOUR TASTE IS SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT.”

The maid sucks in a breath, trembling with fury, the wall of knives behind her shaking erratically.

Another breath. Her expression goes through a variety of micro-twitches as competing emotions FUCK EACH OTHER UP for the right to take proper command of the twat.

A third breath. She's goddamn HYPERVENTILATING.

“ARE YA GONNA FUCKING SAY SOMETHING OR WHAT?” you demand.

Her mouth hangs open. “I- you're- I-

“YOU- ME- YOU-”

Your bit of EXTRA MOCKERY is apparently enough to destroy the blockage stopping her from speaking. “I don't even get to pick the decorations I just put them up like Remilia wants me too and I thought they were looking really nice and so did everyone else but then you come here and yell at me about all of it and I'm just supposed to make sure everything's cleaaaaaahaaaaaaaahaaaaahaaaaaan!

Her legs buckle, and she drops to her knees, knife slipping from her grip as she hides her face in her hands, bawling like a LITTLE BABY against a backdrop of blades clattering against each other as they all fall onto the carpet.

WHAT THE FUCK.

You clap your fists around your head in total disbelief. “STOP CRYING. STOP. FUCK YOU. STOP CRYING. YOU DON'T GET TO CRY AFTER BEING A HAUGHTY BITCH. WHY IS EVERYONE I HAVE MET HERE SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT?”

Your shouting only makes her CRY HARDER.

“I SAID STOP IT. THIS IS DISGUSTING. HOW DARE YOU DISGRACE YOURSELF FURTHER.”
__________

[X] GRAB HER ENTIRE FUCKING HEAD AND WORD-PUNCH SOME SENSE INTO HER

[X] LET'S SEE HOW FAR A PROPER PUNT CAN CARRY THIS PANSY BITCH, FOR YOU TIRE OF HER WHINING

[X] FUCKING IGNORE HER AND PULL THAT KNIFE OUT OF THE ALMOST-MINION, BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO TIME FOR LITTLE BABIES LIKE MISS KNIFE MAID HERE
__________

>>194809

I DON'T KNOW WHY I KEEP GETTING PICTURES LIKE THIS BUT HOL-EE SHIT AM I NOT COMPLAINING IN THE SLIGHTEST, YOU RADICAL DUDE
[X] FUCKING IGNORE HER AND PULL THAT KNIFE OUT OF THE ALMOST-MINION, BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO TIME FOR LITTLE BABIES LIKE MISS KNIFE MAID HERE

FUCKBOYNESS HAS TICKED DOWN BY TWO BLIPS BECAUSE YOU HAVE DONE A FABULOUS DECONSTRUCTION OF BITCHY SAKUYA. NOT THAT THAT IS A UNIQUE THING, BUT IT IS ENTERTAINING AND WELL-EXECUTED. KEEP AT IT AND YOU MAY ONE DAY FIND YOURSELF AS A RECOVERED FUCKBOY.
[X] FUCKING IGNORE HER AND PULL THAT KNIFE OUT OF THE ALMOST-MINION, BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO TIME FOR LITTLE BABIES LIKE MISS KNIFE MAID HERE
[X] FUCKING IGNORE HER AND PULL THAT KNIFE OUT OF THE ALMOST-MINION, BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO TIME FOR LITTLE BABIES LIKE MISS KNIFE MAID HERE
[X] GRAB HER ENTIRE FUCKING HEAD AND WORD-PUNCH SOME SENSE INTO HER

[X] AND PULL THAT KNIFE OUT OF THE ALMOST-MINION

DOYOUS WORD PUNCHING IS EFFECTIVE AGAINST TIE HAX

AND IF WE TURN THE MAID, IT'LL BE THE PERFECT INSULT TO THE HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD.



ALSO, WEAPON GET. KAREN, WE HARDLY KNEW YEA.
[X] FUCKING IGNORE HER AND PULL THAT KNIFE OUT OF THE ALMOST-MINION, BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO TIME FOR LITTLE BABIES LIKE MISS KNIFE MAID HERE
[X] GRAB HER ENTIRE FUCKING HEAD AND WORD-PUNCH SOME SENSE INTO HER
[X] AND PULL THAT KNIFE OUT OF THE ALMOST-MINION
[X] CLEARLY SHE IS NOT TO BLAME FOR THIS MANSION'S COMPLETELY SHIT DECOR. ASK HER WHERE TO FIND THE ONE WHO IS.

WE ARE GOING TO DO THE IMPOSSIBLE.

WE ARE GOING TO TOPPLE AN ENTIRE MANSION WITH NOTHING BUT OUR WORDS.



NO SHUT UP THE FIRST TWO PEOPLE DIDN'T COUNT.
[X] GRAB HER ENTIRE FUCKING HEAD AND WORD-PUNCH SOME SENSE INTO HER
[X] AND PULL THAT KNIFE OUT OF THE ALMOST-MINION
[X] CLEARLY SHE IS NOT TO BLAME FOR THIS MANSION'S COMPLETELY SHIT DECOR. ASK HER WHERE TO FIND THE ONE WHO IS.
>>194830

Does that make him a bard now?
[X] GRAB HER ENTIRE FUCKING HEAD AND WORD-PUNCH SOME SENSE INTO HER
[X] AND PULL THAT KNIFE OUT OF THE ALMOST-MINION
[X] CLEARLY SHE IS NOT TO BLAME FOR THIS MANSION'S COMPLETELY SHIT DECOR. ASK HER WHERE TO FIND THE ONE WHO IS.
[X] GRAB HER ENTIRE FUCKING HEAD AND WORD-PUNCH SOME SENSE INTO HER
[X] AND PULL THAT KNIFE OUT OF THE ALMOST-MINION
[X] CLEARLY SHE IS NOT TO BLAME FOR THIS MANSION'S COMPLETELY SHIT DECOR. ASK HER WHERE TO FIND THE ONE WHO IS.
File 148938459728.jpg - (1.98MB, 2309x1299, a whole villa would be a good start.jpg) [iqdb]
194836
[X] GRAB HER ENTIRE FUCKING HEAD AND WORD-PUNCH SOME SENSE INTO HER
[X] AND PULL THAT KNIFE OUT OF THE ALMOST-MINION
[X] CLEARLY SHE IS NOT TO BLAME FOR THIS MANSION'S COMPLETELY SHIT DECOR. ASK HER WHERE TO FIND THE ONE WHO IS.

IF YOUR MASTER'S TASTES ARE SHIT, THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD SHOW HER HOW IT IS FUCKING DONE.
SERVITUDE IS FINE AND ALL WHEN YOU'RE SERVING A PERFECT GOD LIKE THE EMPEROR. A SPOILED BRAT WITH NO TASTE DOESN'T EVEN COMPARE.
[X] GRAB HER ENTIRE FUCKING HEAD AND WORD-PUNCH SOME SENSE INTO HER
[X] AND PULL THAT KNIFE OUT OF THE ALMOST-MINION
[X] CLEARLY SHE IS NOT TO BLAME FOR THIS MANSION'S COMPLETELY SHIT DECOR. ASK HER WHERE TO FIND THE ONE WHO IS.

This is the most promising visit to the SDM I've seen in years. Literally everything I didn't know I wanted.
[X] GRAB HER ENTIRE FUCKING HEAD AND WORD-PUNCH SOME SENSE INTO HER
[X] AND PULL THAT KNIFE OUT OF THE ALMOST-MINION
[X] CLEARLY SHE IS NOT TO BLAME FOR THIS MANSION'S COMPLETELY SHIT DECOR. ASK HER WHERE TO FIND THE ONE WHO

BY THE EMPEROR
[X] GRAB HER ENTIRE FUCKING HEAD AND WORD-PUNCH SOME SENSE INTO HER
[X] AND PULL THAT KNIFE OUT OF THE ALMOST-MINION
[X] CLEARLY SHE IS NOT TO BLAME FOR THIS MANSION'S COMPLETELY SHIT DECOR. ASK HER WHERE TO FIND THE ONE WHO IS.

THAT WAS A GOOD UPDATE. GOOD ENOUGH TO MAKE ME VOTE.

IT WAS NOT, HOWEVER, A GREAT UPDATE, BECAUSE IT WAS NOT AN UPDATE TO ANCHORAGE. AND NO, UPDATES THAT HAPPEN TO FEATURE KARIN DO NOT COUNT.
[X] LET'S SEE HOW FAR A PROPER PUNT CAN CARRY THIS PANSY BITCH, FOR YOU TIRE OF HER WHINING

A PROPER PUNT TO CUNT IS IN ORDER
[X] GRAB HER ENTIRE FUCKING HEAD AND WORD-PUNCH SOME SENSE INTO HER
[X] AND PULL THAT KNIFE OUT OF THE ALMOST-MINION
[X] CLEARLY SHE IS NOT TO BLAME FOR THIS MANSION'S COMPLETELY SHIT DECOR. ASK HER WHERE TO FIND THE ONE WHO IS.
[X] GRAB HER ENTIRE FUCKING HEAD AND WORD-PUNCH SOME SENSE INTO HER
[X] FUCKING IGNORE HER AND PULL THAT KNIFE OUT OF THE ALMOST-MINION, BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO TIME FOR LITTLE BABIES LIKE MISS KNIFE MAID HERE
[X] GRAB HER ENTIRE FUCKING HEAD AND WORD-PUNCH SOME SENSE INTO HER
[X] AND PULL THAT KNIFE OUT OF THE ALMOST-MINION
[X] CLEARLY SHE IS NOT TO BLAME FOR THIS MANSION'S COMPLETELY SHIT DECOR. ASK HER WHERE TO FIND THE ONE WHO IS.
[X] GRAB HER ENTIRE FUCKING HEAD AND WORD-PUNCH SOME SENSE INTO HER
[X] AND PULL THAT KNIFE OUT OF THE ALMOST-MINION
[X] CLEARLY SHE IS NOT TO BLAME FOR THIS MANSION'S COMPLETELY SHIT DECOR. ASK HER WHERE TO FIND THE ONE WHO IS.

I... I feel kind of bad now.
THAT IS A WALL OF WRITE-IN VOTES, SO HELL YEAH, THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENING

NOW TO WASTE TIME ON VOTE RESPONSES EVEN THOUGH I REALLY DON'T HAVE TIME AND SHOULD BE MAKING THE UPDATE HAPPEN

>>194825

YOURS IS A STRANGE METER OF FUCKBOYITUDE BUT WHATEVER, KEEP YOUR TALLY GOING

>>194830

DON'T WORRY WE'LL WRITE OUT THE INITIAL PUNCHINGS AND MAULINGS OUT OF THE OFFICIAL HISTORY WHEN THIS IS ALL PROPERLY TRANSCRIBED

>>194836

THIS GUY, HE GETS IT

>>194840

ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE THROUGH THE EMPEROR, OR EVEN JUST ONE OF HIS ANGELS HORRIBLY ASSAULTING ANY AND EVERY PERSON HE MEETS

>>194844

REALLY, BECAUSE I WOULD THINK THAT THESE LAST FEW UPDATES HAVE HIT MAXIMUM MASTURBATORY SELF-CONGRATULATION

"OOH, LOOK, IT'S THE ONE GIRL FROM A DIFFERENT STORY, ISN'T SHE COOL TO HAVE AROUND, PEOPLE ARE GONNA LOVE HER"

EXCEPT THIS IS FUCK GENSOKYO, NOT FUCK THP, AFTER ALL, AND AFTER A CERTAIN POINT YOU HAVE TO ASK YOURSELF "HOW MUCH OC IS TOO MUCH OC"

I FEEL PRETTY DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO TIPPING OVER THE EDGE THERE

...BUT I'M STILL GONNA KEEP HAVING CAMEOS SHOW UP

>>194884

FEELINGS ARE A COMPLICATED AND TRICKY BUSINESS, BUT REMEMBER THIS: SHE THREW A KNIFE THROUGH SOMEONE'S SKULL FOR WANTING TO JOIN THE TEAM

KINDAAAA DICKISH
File 148946716024.jpg - (171.22KB, 1032x731, NOT SO HAUGHTY NOW ARE YA.jpg) [iqdb]
194890
“IF YOU WON'T FUCKING STOP IT THEN EMPEROR DAMN IT ALL I WILL MAKE YOU.”

You grab her ENTIRE FUCKING HEAD.

There is a muffled scream.

“ARE YA DONE?”

She screams some more.

“I WILL NOT CONSIDER YOU DONE UNTIL YOU FINISH SCREAMING SO MUCH.”

Yet more of the mouth-noises from her.

“I AM GIVING YOU EVERY POSSIBLE OUT, HERE. COME ON.”

There's one final, brief shriek, and then she's quiet.

And she keeps being quiet.

OH, RIGHT. OXYGEN.

You haul her up to her feet before you mostly let go of her head, leaving her to heave for air. You still keep two fingers pinching her head around the ears (very lightly) so she doesn't get any ideas about running away. This has the handy side-effect of muting your voice somewhat, which, at point-blank range, means you're not going to be annihilating her eardrums. “OKAY NOW THAT I HAVE GIVEN YOU A FIRST-CLASS TICKET TO SHOWINGS OF YOUR OWN MORTALITY MAYBE YOU CAN FUCKIN' HARDEN UPAND STOP WHINING.

She's still CRYING KINDA but at least it's not a huge mess like before. “Why are you even doing this?”

“BECAUSE GODDAMMIT, CLEARLY YOU AREN'T TO BLAME FOR THIS PLACE'S SHIT DECOR, AND YOU'RE MY BEST LEAD TO FINDING THE ONE WHO IS. ONCE I'M DONE BEATING HER UP, THEN I'LL LET YOU DO YOUR OWN REDECORATING. THIS SOUND GOOD?”

“You want to-”

YES I WANT TO BEAT UP 'MILADY SCARLET'. THAT IS THE ENTIRE REASON I AM HERE.”

She sniffles, pulling out a handkerchief to wipe at her face. While she's busy tidying herself up, you glance about; a crowd of the library's fairies have started gathering at a healthy distance, which means they're about as far as they can possibly be while still able to hear the shouting going on. Thankfully for them, your lungs are INVINCIBLE. “IF YOU WANNA HAVE A GO I'M RIGHT HERE, FAGGORS.”

They scatter, as fairies are wont to do. Knifey, meanwhile, would be clutching her ears if they were available to clutch, but instead she settles on a grimace. “Can you please not shout quite so much?”

“NO. NO I WILL NOT. I AM PERPETUALLY ON THE EDGE OF HAULING OFF AND SMACKING SOMEONE IN THE FACE; BE GLAD I AM CONTROLLING MYSELF ENOUGH THAT IT IS NOT YOU. NOW, QUESTION: ARE YOU GOING TO ATTEMPT TO LACERATE OR OTHERWISE MURDER ME IF I LET YOU GO.”

She shakes her head a little. “N-no. I've embarrassed myself enough for now, I think.”

“GOOD. YOU ARE NOT A DUMBASS.” You let go of her head, and she woozily stumbles sideways, leaning against a bookcase for support. “NOW HOLD UP WHILE I DEAL WITH THIS.”

You ignore her as you hoist the STABBED FAIRY up, inspecting the damage: knife through the back of the skull and poking out the front, eyes crossed, drooling, all the signs of terrible brain damage. But on the other hand, she's a FAIRY who is STILL INTACT, so. You grab the handle and yank it out.

aruagharrrrrgh” she groans, shaking her head vigorously. The hole in her forehead is already healing right up, which is pretty impressive. “guoghhghghhrghk

You shake her, which in addition to her own head-shaking seems to maybe do the trick. “STOP BEING RETARDED.”

“'m up, 'm up,” she mumbles. “Leggo?”

“SURE.” You let go.

She lands on her feet, nearly teeters over, and then rights herself. Steadied, she starts dusting her armor off. Once that's done, she glowers at the maid. “Sakuya.”

Sakuya, so named, frowns back, not quite looking at the captain. “Karin.”

Karin, also named, prods the still-kinda-present hole in her head. “You threw a knife through my brain.

Sakuya nods meekly. “I did.”

“Why did you do this?”

It's here the maid stiffens up, turning a scowl on the fairy. “Because you were turning traitor in order to join the man who broke into the mansion and plans to assault the Mistress.”

“That- is a very good point,” Karin concedes, all the righteous ire displaced by sheepishness. It makes a valiant return a moment later. “But then again, I also had Patchouli trying to kill me. So I quit.”

Sakuya blinks. “Oh. I wasn't here for that part.”

“Yep.”

“AND NOW,” you say, tired of listening to them jabber at each other instead of you, “SHE'S TAKING ME TO SEE THE BOSS LADY, SO THAT I MAY SQUASH HER.”

“Oh.” Karin frowns. “...Can I join you?”

“FUCK YEAH YOU CAN. NOW I SHOULD PROBABLY GO GET MY ARMY SO THAT THEY CAN-”

A BEST CUDGEL sprints through the library doors, SHIT-RIPPER OF REDEMPTION in her hands, and tosses it at you. “Gotta run, fighting's happening all over the place, good luck!”

You catch the scythe, and then the oni's off again. “WELL I GUESS THAT ANSWERS THAT.”

The girls here that are not embedded headfirst in the floor stare at your weapon. “...Is that-”

“Did you-”

You hold up a hand, cutting them off. “YES. YES IT IS. AND YES I DID.”
__________

[X] ONWARD, TO BEAT UP THE BOSS OF THIS MANSION, FOR THAT IS THE MAIN GOAL HERE ISN'T IT

[X] HOLD UP, LET'S GO SEE HOW THAT FIGHT'S GOING, FOR YOU ARE AN AFICIONADO OF VIOLENCE IN ALL ITS FORMS
[X] HOLD UP, LET'S GO SEE HOW THAT FIGHT'S GOING, FOR YOU ARE AN AFICIONADO OF VIOLENCE IN ALL ITS FORMS

We can't skip our sisters' fight! It's time to be proud!
[X] ONWARD, TO BEAT UP THE BOSS OF THIS MANSION, FOR THAT IS THE MAIN GOAL HERE ISN'T IT
[X] DEMONSTRATE YOUR HATRED FOR THIS SHITPILE OF AN UNINSPIRED MANSION THE WHOLE WAY THERE. WHICH OF COURSE INVOLVES SHITRIPPING ANYTHING YOU FIND DISTASTEFUL.
[X] HOLD UP, LET'S GO SEE HOW THAT FIGHT'S GOING, FOR YOU ARE AN AFICIONADO OF VIOLENCE IN ALL ITS FORMS

I'm always up for viewing scenes of mass devastation and combat.
[X] ONWARD, TO BEAT UP THE BOSS OF THIS MANSION, FOR THAT IS THE MAIN GOAL HERE ISN'T IT
[X] DEMONSTRATE YOUR HATRED FOR THIS SHITPILE OF AN UNINSPIRED MANSION THE WHOLE WAY THERE. WHICH OF COURSE INVOLVES SHITRIPPING ANYTHING YOU FIND DISTASTEFUL.

Time for the shitripper to earn her keep!
[X] HOLD UP, LET'S GO SEE HOW THAT FIGHT'S GOING, FOR YOU ARE AN AFICIONADO OF VIOLENCE IN ALL ITS FORMS
[X] ONWARD, TO BEAT UP THE BOSS OF THIS MANSION, FOR THAT IS THE MAIN GOAL HERE ISN'T IT
[X] HOLD UP, LET'S GO SEE HOW THAT FIGHT'S GOING, FOR YOU ARE AN AFICIONADO OF VIOLENCE IN ALL ITS FORMS

WE MUST ENSURE THAT THEIR COMBAT FORM ISN'T SHIT, AND THIS IS A RARE OPPORTUNITY TO DO SO.

LETS MAKE IT LESS RARE LATER.
[X] HOLD UP, LET'S GO SEE HOW THAT FIGHT'S GOING, FOR YOU ARE AN AFICIONADO OF VIOLENCE IN ALL ITS FORMS
[X] ONWARD, TO BEAT UP THE BOSS OF THIS MANSION, FOR THAT IS THE MAIN GOAL HERE ISN'T IT
[X] HOLD UP, LET'S GO SEE HOW THAT FIGHT'S GOING, FOR YOU ARE AN AFICIONADO OF VIOLENCE IN ALL ITS FORMS

FAIRIES ARE STUPID. LOVABLE, BUT STUPID.

IF WE AREN'T THERE TO DIRECT, WE'LL HAVE HEAVY CASUALTIES.

AND IF WE ARE THERE, WE CAN SEE WHO'S DOING BEST PERSONALLY. AND IF WE HOLD BACK LONG ENOUGH TO LET OUR SOLDIERS SHINE, THEY MAY DO COOL SHIT TO ATTEMPT TO EARN MORE HEADPATS.

THAT WE MAY DOLE OUT APPROPRIATE VICTORY HEADPATS.

REMEMBER, THOUGH! EVEN THE WORST OF THESE IDIOTS ARE FIGHTING HARD TO SPREAD THE EMPRAH'S MESSAGE, AND ARE THEREFORE ALL DESERVING OF AT LEAST A BIT OF THE EMPRAH'S LOVING HEADPATSE.
[X] ONWARD, TO BEAT UP THE BOSS OF THIS MANSION, FOR THAT IS THE MAIN GOAL HERE ISN'T IT
[X] DEMONSTRATE YOUR HATRED FOR THIS SHITPILE OF AN UNINSPIRED MANSION THE WHOLE WAY THERE. WHICH OF COURSE INVOLVES SHITRIPPING ANYTHING YOU FIND DISTASTEFUL.
[X] HOLD UP, LET'S GO SEE HOW THAT FIGHT'S GOING, FOR YOU ARE AN AFICIONADO OF VIOLENCE IN ALL ITS FORMS
YEP I FIGURE I MIGHT AS WELL CALL IT HERE FOR CHECKING IN ON YOUR LITTLE SQUAD TO CHEER THEM ON, AND ALSO TO HELP THEM BE MORE VIOLENT AS ONLY DOYOU CAN
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194934
“NOW I WAS ALL SET TO GO ALONG AND PUNCH A MANSION BOSS WOMAN WITH SHIT TASTE, BUT NOW I HAVE TO ADMIT I AM MAD CURIOUS, SO WE'RE GOING TO SEE WHAT THE FUCK IS UP OUT THERE.”

“But-” says the fairy boss who is not boss of YOUR fairies, as of yet.

“SHUT UP WE'RE DOING IT MY WAY.” You grab her and Sakuya both by their ENTIRE FUCKING HEADS for this, you find, is something that generally gets attention. “IF YOU EVER HAVE PROBLEMS, FEEL FREE TO BRING THEM UP SO I CAN SQUISH YOUR FACES IN HONORABLE COMBAT.”

You set them back down, whereupon they breathe in RELIEF at actually having intact heads, and then immediately take off with a yell of “FOLLOW ME OR ROT, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.” They, of course, follow, for your CHARISMA is MAGNIFICENT thanks to the STRENGTH BONUSES you add onto it.

Armed with your SCYTHE, you are able to rip shit at ANY ANGLE around you as you stride down the halls without having to really deviate from your path. PORTRAITS. LAMPS. WINDOWS. RUGS. LITTLE TABLES. ALL SORTS OF SHIT IS DESTROYED TO VENT YOUR DISPLEASURE WITH THE DECOR, and you FIRMLY IGNORE the opinions of your two hangers-on on this topic, which mostly consist of COMPLAINTS.

You are in search of an appropriate vantage point to OBSERVE but NOT INTERFERE, for your troops need proper combat experience without your guiding hand to slay all their shit for them. That's no way to make PROPER SOLDIERY if you're always dealing with shit for them, after all. Eventually you find yourself a BALCONY that overlooks the FRONT GARDEN you broke in through. You boot the doors off their hinges and stride on through, looking about at scenes of fairy carnage at any and every place you look – your little ZOMBIE BITCHES are doing an admirable job of mauling anything they can get their hands on, and this MELEE APPROACH seems to be flustering MAIDLY FAIRIES who keep trying to fight at RANGE, like COWARDS. Or TAU, which are THE SAME THING PRETTY MUCH.

There is also a little purple-haired girl in an umbrella-fitted lawn chair leaning back and watching all that's going down. She lowers a pair of sunglasses as she side-eyes you, the BAT-WINGS poking out from the back of her FRILLY DRESS twitching.

“Oh,” she says, sizing up you and your entourage. “...Hello?”

“HI. I'M HERE TO WATCH THE FIGHT.”

“Are you now?”

“THAT'S LITERALLY WHAT I JUST SAID SO YES.”

“Hah. Well, so am I.” She gestures at your two companions, who have not said anything but look DISTINCTLY WORRIED. “I'd tell you to take some seats, but I've got the only one.”

“Ah-” Sakuya begins, raising a hand, only to be shushed by a look from the little mutant.

“Shh, Sakuya, let the big man have his moment. And you shush too, Karin.” The fairy boss clamps her mouth shut at the little girl's words.

“LISTEN TO THE REASONABLE TINY CHILD,” you say, stepping forward to lean over the balcony to properly observe – most of your STRONG dudes cannot be seen, save Big Papa, who once again is peddling tacos mid-battle, to ANYONE that comes up to him, the BASTARD. Still, you cannot fault him for CAPITALISTIC IDEAS. Instead, you focus mostly on the most promising of fairies, cupping a hand around your mouth to shout at them. “KICK THEIR ASSES! AND THEIR FACES! KICK ANYTHING YOU CAN POSSIBLY LAY A BOOT ON COME TO THINK OF IT. IF IT IS A PART OF THEM YOU MUST KICK IT! TOP FACE-KICKER GETS HEADPATS FROM ME ONCE THESE BITCHES BE ROUTED!”

That has the immediate result of all the fairies on YOUR TEAM raising a great big hollering cheer, and then they take your advice quite literally in terms of KICKING ANY AND EVERYONE THEY CAN GET THEIR FEET ON.

“I believe I am going to be permanently deaf within the day,” says the SHIT-RIPPER dazedly, but you ignore her.

“That's a neat weapon you've got there, by the way!” says the SMALL CHILD, who's smiling VERY TOOTHILY when you look back at her.

“YEAH, WHAT ABOUT IT?”

“Oh, nothing, nothing, I'm just giving you points for improvisation, that's all. Are those sunflower stalks?”

“YEAH I BEAT UP A FLOWER BITCH AND THIS BITCH WAS WITH HER.”

Fascinating. It's too bad you're here to tear apart my mansion, or I think we'd be having quite the fascinating conversation, mister...?”

“DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS-” You blink, spinning around to face her properly. “WHOA WAIT WHAT HOLD UP YOU'RE SAYING THIS IS YOUR MANSION? THE ONE I AM INVADING RIGHT NOW?”

She tilts her head guilelessly, that smile spreading. “Yes?”

You point at her. “YOU ARE LIKE A LITTLE BABY.”

She snorts. “I'm stuck like this, thank you.”

“WHAT.”

This time, she cocks an eyebrow. “You're talking to Remilia Scarlet?”

“WHO.”

“The lady of the mansion?”

“BULLSHIT YOU'RE TOO MUCH OF A TINY BABY GIRLCHILD TO BE THE LADY OF ANYTHING. WHERE'S YOUR MOTHER. I'M GOING TO BEAT HER SHIT IN FOR HAVING SUCH SHIT TASTE.”

“She died several hundred years ago. Because I'm a vampire.

You look around at all the sunlight around you. “AND YET YOU'RE OUTSIDE. WITHOUT ARMOR. DURING THE DAY.”

Remilia points up. “Well, I have an umbrella.”

“OH. GOOD AT BLOCKING THOSE UV RAYS, HUH?”

“You bet.”

“...”

“...”

“YOU REALIZE I MUST SQUASH YOU NOW.”

She nods, very genially. “Oh, of course, of course. Sakuya?”

“I-” says the maid, but you interrupt her again.

“I'M BEATING YOU UP ON HER BEHALF BECAUSE YOU HAVE SOME SERIOUSLY SHIT TASTE WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR DECORATIONS. WE'RE REMODELING.”

Always with the property damage.” Remilia rolls off her chair, twisting this way and that to stretch out, even though VAMPIRES probably don't actually need to limber up before they get SMASHED TO FUCK. “Well, I suppose we can just go to the lobby – it's as good an arena as any.”

“WHAT, YOU'RE NOT GONNA TRY ANY SHIT ON ME WHILE I'M RIGHT HERE?”

Remilia flashes a casual little smile as fairy screams ring out through the air. “Why would I? That's no fun at all.”

“HUH.”
__________

[X] SHE WANTS SOME HONORABLE COMBAT, HUH? WELL, SHIT, THAT'S ABOUT AS GOOD AN OFFER AS ANY

[X] NAH YOU'RE JUST GONNA ROAST A BITCH HERE AND NOW NO BIG DEAL

[X] THIS WHOLE THING KIND OF MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, FOR THERE IS NO HONOR IN DEMOLISHING A TINY BABY GIRL PHYSICALLY. NOW, VERBALLY, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS A WHOOOOOLE DIFFERENT STORY
[X] THIS WHOLE THING KIND OF MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, FOR THERE IS NO HONOR IN DEMOLISHING A TINY BABY GIRL PHYSICALLY. NOW, VERBALLY, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS A WHOOOOOLE DIFFERENT STORY

CHARISMA BREAK
[X] THIS WHOLE THING KIND OF MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, FOR THERE IS NO HONOR IN DEMOLISHING A TINY BABY GIRL PHYSICALLY. NOW, VERBALLY, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS A WHOOOOOLE DIFFERENT STORY

WE ARE NOT STOPPING IN OUR TECHNICALLY-PACIFISTIC RAMPAGE NOW

AND NO THE WORK OF OUR ARMY DOES NOT REFLECT ON US, SO WE'RE GOOD
[X] THIS WHOLE THING KIND OF MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, FOR THERE IS NO HONOR IN DEMOLISHING A TINY BABY GIRL PHYSICALLY. NOW, VERBALLY, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS A WHOOOOOLE DIFFERENT STORY

LET'S SEE HOW LONG WE CAN MAKE THIS WORK.
[X] THIS WHOLE THING KIND OF MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, FOR THERE IS NO HONOR IN DEMOLISHING A TINY BABY GIRL PHYSICALLY. NOW, VERBALLY, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS A WHOOOOOLE DIFFERENT STORY

THIS IS PROBABLY NOT GOING TO WORK, BUT IT WILL ALMOST CERTAINLY BE HILARIOUS EITHER WAY.
[X] THIS WHOLE THING KIND OF MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, FOR THERE IS NO HONOR IN DEMOLISHING A TINY BABY GIRL PHYSICALLY. NOW, VERBALLY, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS A WHOOOOOLE DIFFERENT STORY

WHEN TALES OF A GOLDEN HERALD OF THE GOD-EMPRAH CONQUERING AN ENTIRE MANSION OF HERESY WITH NOTHING BUT HIS VOICE SPREADS, THE GOD-EMPRAH'S WORD WILL SPREAD.
[X] THIS WHOLE THING KIND OF MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, FOR THERE IS NO HONOR IN DEMOLISHING A TINY BABY GIRL PHYSICALLY. NOW, VERBALLY, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS A WHOOOOOLE DIFFERENT STORY
[X] THIS WHOLE THING KIND OF MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, FOR THERE IS NO HONOR IN DEMOLISHING A TINY BABY GIRL PHYSICALLY. NOW, VERBALLY, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS A WHOOOOOLE DIFFERENT STORY

DIPLOMACY
I'm actually sort of tempted to take her up on the honorable combat angle. If only because I'm sort of impressed she'd go for it when we're literally burning down her house around her.

Actually you know what fuck it. Piss away.

[X] SHE WANTS SOME HONORABLE COMBAT, HUH? WELL, SHIT, THAT'S ABOUT AS GOOD AN OFFER AS ANY
[X] SHE WANTS SOME HONORABLE COMBAT, HUH? WELL, SHIT, THAT'S ABOUT AS GOOD AN OFFER AS ANY

She wants 1v1. Who are we to deny her that?
[X] THIS WHOLE THING KIND OF MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, FOR THERE IS NO HONOR IN DEMOLISHING A TINY BABY GIRL PHYSICALLY. NOW, VERBALLY, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS A WHOOOOOLE DIFFERENT STORY

Oh shit the charisma final boss. Like us, she enslav-recruits former enemies that show Promise and doesn't shy away from doing the dirty work, in fact, she welcomes strong enemies with a passion.

So, let's give her a good show.
[X] SHE WANTS SOME HONORABLE COMBAT, HUH? WELL, SHIT, THAT'S ABOUT AS GOOD AN OFFER AS ANY

TIDE PISS BRIGADE!
[X] SHE WANTS SOME HONORABLE COMBAT, HUH? WELL, SHIT, THAT'S ABOUT AS GOOD AN OFFER AS ANY

WE'RE AN ANGRY MARINE AND WHILE OUR WORDS ARE AS GOOD A WEAPON AS ANY. OUR FISTS IS WHAT WE DO BEST.
[X] THIS WHOLE THING KIND OF MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, FOR THERE IS NO HONOR IN DEMOLISHING A TINY BABY GIRL PHYSICALLY. NOW, VERBALLY, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS A WHOOOOOLE DIFFERENT STORY
[X] THIS WHOLE THING KIND OF MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, FOR THERE IS NO HONOR IN DEMOLISHING A TINY BABY GIRL PHYSICALLY. NOW, VERBALLY, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS A WHOOOOOLE DIFFERENT STORY
[X] SHE WANTS SOME HONORABLE COMBAT, HUH? WELL, SHIT, THAT'S ABOUT AS GOOD AN OFFER AS ANY
YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK IT, CHANGING >>194938
TO
[X] SHE WANTS SOME HONORABLE COMBAT, HUH? WELL, SHIT, THAT'S ABOUT AS GOOD AN OFFER AS ANY

SHE WANTS A FIGHT? SHE'S FUCKING GOT ONE.
[X] SHE WANTS SOME HONORABLE COMBAT, HUH? WELL, SHIT, THAT'S ABOUT AS GOOD AN OFFER AS ANY

-[X] THIS WHOLE THING KIND OF MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, FOR THERE IS NO HONOR IN DEMOLISHING A TINY BABY GIRL PHYSICALLY. NOW, VERBALLY, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS A WHOOOOOLE DIFFERENT STORY

A BATTLE OF WORDS IS STILL A BATTLE, PEOPLE.
[X] SHE WANTS SOME HONORABLE COMBAT, HUH? WELL, SHIT, THAT'S ABOUT AS GOOD AN OFFER AS ANY

Also, I'd like to put recruiting Flandre with headpats and/or incredible violence on our to-do list.
[X] SHE WANTS SOME HONORABLE COMBAT, HUH? WELL, SHIT, THAT'S ABOUT AS GOOD AN OFFER AS ANY
[X] THIS WHOLE THING KIND OF MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, FOR THERE IS NO HONOR IN DEMOLISHING A TINY BABY GIRL PHYSICALLY. NOW, VERBALLY, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS A WHOOOOOLE DIFFERENT STORY
[X] THIS WHOLE THING KIND OF MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, FOR THERE IS NO HONOR IN DEMOLISHING A TINY BABY GIRL PHYSICALLY. NOW, VERBALLY, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS A WHOOOOOLE DIFFERENT STORY

CHARISMA BREAK REMI
File 14896399566.jpg - (720.12KB, 1280x1057, LET'S FIND OUT HOW UN-FUCKING-FLAPPABLE SHE I.jpg) [iqdb]
194996
“Y'KNOW WHAT?” you say, an IDEA striking you. “WHILE I AM NORMALLY ALL FOR A BATTLE OF FISTS, RIGHT NOW I'M THINKING OF UPPING MY WORD GAME.”

“Ohohoho?” Remilia hides her mouth behind the back of her hand. “Are you sure about this?”

“INDEED!” You jam a thumb into your chestplate. “I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL.”

She blinks. “That's what we're doing, though?”

“I MEAN A DUEL OF WORDS. SHOULD'VE CLARIFIED.”

“Oh.” Remilia plants her hands on her hips, pursing her lips and narrowing her eyes at you. “...Why?”

You set the SHIT-RIPPER aside, the better to idly work your knuckles over as you speak. “BECAUSE WHILE I COULD SQUISH SOMEONE OF YOUR TINY STATURE WITH ONE FINGER, THE WAY YOU REACT TO MY LARGE, SHOUTY SELF IS CALM AND COLLECTED, AND IT MAKES ME CURIOUS.” You glance back at the chaos behind you, where YESWEDO LIFTIMUS continue to kick ass in your glorious name. “MOSTLY PEOPLE JUST GET PISSED OFF AND TRY TO MURDER ME WHEN I INVADE THEIR HOUSE, YOU KNOW?”

“Well, it's not every day I get to meet someone of your... huge?” Remilia says, folding her hands behind her back now.

“WELL YEAH OF COURSE YOU DON'T. BUT ANYWAY, IF THIS IS YOUR STRENGTH, THIS UNFLAPPABLE CALM IN THE FACE OF MY GIANT GOLDEN FACE, THEN I WANNA SEE JUST HOW GOOD YOU ARE AT FIGHTING ME VERBALLY. BECAUSE I BET I CAN OUT-FUCKING-WORDS YOU IN A GREAT AND PROPER DEBATE AND THAT'S A SHITLOAD MORE IMPRESSIVE THAN JUST PILEDRIVING YOUR HEAD THROUGH THE FLOOR, IF YOU'RE AS GOOD AT WORD-FIGHTS AS I THINK YOU ARE.”

Sakuya raises a hand. “What would you even be debating?”

You spread your arms, engulfing everyone present in your mighty shadow. “WELL IT'S MORE GENERALIZED ARGUING.” You point at Remilia, restraining the urge to drive your finger through her skull. “I'M GOING TO SHOUT AT YOU AND TRY TO BREAK YOUR WILL LIKE I DID KNIFEY-KNIFEY OVER THERE.” Your hands come to rest on your chest. “YOU'RE GONNA TRY TO FUCK ME UP WITH YOUR VAMPIRE WORD TRICKS UNTIL I GET SO MAD I TRY TO PUNCH YOU. I AM ALREADY ANGRY ALL THE TIME AS PART OF MY GENERAL OUTLOOK ON LIFE SO PROBABLY YOU WON'T HAVE TOO MUCH TROUBLE, UNLESS YOU'RE AFRAID OF BEING UNABLE TO OUT-WORDS ME IN A FAIR DUEL, YOU PRISSY LITTLE CHILD.”

Remilia's eyes have widened quite notably, and she nods, keenly considering your words. “...That sounds magnificent. Do you mind if we call a ceasefire so all can watch?”

You shrug. “I KINDA WANT MY GROUPIES TO EARN SOME MUCH-NEEDED COMBAT EXPERIENCE BEATING UP YOUR NERD FAIRIES HONESTLY.”

Remilia waves it off. “Ahh, fine, fine, no problem. Sakuya? Get the podiums. We're doing this properly.

“DON'T YOU BE TAKING ORDERS FROM OH COME ON,” you say, throwing your hands up in disgust as Sakuya just up and SHIMMERS OUT OF VIEW. “WHAT BULLSHIT NOW IS THIS THAT SHE HAS DONE.”

“Don't pay it any mind,” says Karin, leaning against the wall by the door and otherwise trying to be unobtrusive.

“FUCK IT, WHATEVER.” You turn your attention back to Remilia, start to say something, pause as a fairy maid slams into the brickwork just overhead and poofs, and then you're brushing fairy dust off your head. Remilia chuckles, basking in the protection of her umbrella, which just makes you glower at her harder. “WHY ARE YOU BEING SO DAMN REASONABLE ABOUT ALL THIS SHIT, ANYWAY? IT'S KINDA PISSING ME OFF.”

Her smile widens at the edge. “Someone has to be civilized around here.”

oooooooooh” say both Karin and SHIT-RIPPER.

You turn your MIGHTY GLARE on both of them – this necessitates some CONSTANT ROTATION so that you can give them equal attention. “WHAT, HOW LOW A BAR DO YOU HAVE WHERE THAT'S A QUALITY BURN IN YOUR BOOKS? EMPEROR, GIVE ME STRENGTH.” You complete one last revolution, turning from your SCYTHE back to FAIRY CAPTAIN- “WHERE THE FUCK DID THIS PODIUM COME FROM.

Sakuya curtsies as you clap your hands around the TERRIBLY SMALL THING'S sides. Remilia, meanwhile, is now at eye-level with you on her REMARKABLY LARGE podium, an umbrella planted in it to provide her cover even there. She grins over at you. “Well, I suppose we're ready to go, aren't we?”

“I MUST LOOK FUCKING RIDICULOUS,” you grumble. “I OBJECT!”

“This isn't a trial.”

“I'M OBJECTING ANYWAY, GO FUCK YOURSELF. I WANT A BETTER PODIUM.”

Sakuya offers a helpless, sheepish smile. “You're too big, I'm afraid.”

“FUCK. OKAY. FINE.” You turn your hateful gaze from her back to Remilia, who's just smiling and smiling.

“Feel free to squash me with your words any time, sirrah!” she says, her tone totally at ease.

“I ACTUALLY GOT THE PERFECT FIRST QUESTION,” you say, not letting her get to you, because you are STRONG OF WILL even if you are TERRIBLE OF RESTRAINT. “LET ME ASK YOU THIS: WHY IS YOUR TASTE A SHIT.”

Remilia is still smiling faintly, her eyebrows disappearing into purple bangs. “I'd like to see your credentials before you go accusing me of having terrible taste, Doyou!”

“MY CREDENTIALS ARE FUCK YOU I'M AN ANGRY MARINE, I'VE BEEN DROPPED INTO MORE ANCIENT CATHEDRALS AND AWE-INSPIRING CASTLE FORTIFICATIONS OVER THE PAST FEW CENTURIES THAN YOU'VE HAD SNACKS OF THE LOCAL PLEBS!

Your podium is already cracking from the force of your grip on it – probably it'd make a good bludgeon if you felt like using it that way, which you do, but that's against the rules you yourself set for this showdown. UGH. Remilia's smirk has faltered a little bit, though, which fills you with RIGHTEOUS GLEE.

“Well, goodness me,” she says, her voice still utterly level, albeit tinged with surprise. Her smirk's back a second later. “I noticed you never mentioned any formal schooling on that subject.”

“WELL DUH. MY JOB IS TO BEAT PEOPLE'S SHIT IN. YOU THINK I GOT TIME TO GO AROUND STUDYING WHAT SOME NERDS HAVE TO SAY ABOUT WHAT THEY THINK LOOKS COOL OR NOT? NOPE. I CAN APPRECIATE AESTHETICS JUST FINE ON MY OWN, THANKS.”

“Which is why you go around tearing up absolutely everything?”

“AGAIN. JOB. BEAT PEOPLE. SHIT GETS WRECKED. THIS IS NATURAL COLLATERAL.”

Remilia snorts, rolling her eyes. “A true aficionado of the decorative arts would actually avoid destroying fine art, such as my mansion. If you cannot appreciate the delicate blend of colors and well-placed-”

“YOU ARE SO FULL OF SHIT.”

Remilia scoffs. “Says who?”

“ME. AND THE MAID.”

Sakuya waves her arms in a crossing X motion, alarmed. “I said no such thing! I thought it looked pretty nice, even!”

You resist the urge to beat her with your stand, and settle on a scathing “YOU FUCKING TRAITOR.”

“Attention on me, please?” says Remilia, tap-tapping a long, pointy-nailed finger against her podium.

“FUCKIN' FINE, OKAY, WHATEVER. I'M NOT DROPPING THE TOPIC OF YOUR MANSION BEING SHITTY, THOUGH. THAT IS PRETTY MUCH THE CRUX OF MY ARGUMENT HERE.”

“Explain in detail why, if you would?”

“OH, YOU'D BETTER BELIEVE I'M GONNA POINT OUT EXACTLY WHAT IS SHIT AROUND HERE.”
__________

[X] THERE IS A CRITICAL LACK OF SKULLS AND OTHER BONY DECORATION. THAT STUFF IS PRETTY DEVILISH – EXCEPT WHEN RIGHTEOUSLY DEPLOYED BY THE IMPERIUM ITSELF, OF COURSE, AT WHICH POINT IT IS TOTALLY GLORIOUS

[X] WHERE IS ALL THE CHAOS BULLSHIT. YOU CANNOT HAVE A SCARLET DEVIL MANSION WITHOUT CHAOS BULLSHIT. WHERE ARE THE DEVILS. THE DEMONS. YOU NEED DEMONS AT A DEVIL MANSION AND THERE IS A CRITICAL SHORTAGE OF THEM HERE

[X] THIS PLACE ISN'T EVEN FORTIFIED AGAINST THE SMALLEST OF ASSAULTS. GRANTED, YOU'RE A SPACE MARINE AND AS SUCH NO DOORS ARE BARRED TO YOU, BUT YOUR ARMY CONSISTS OF RETARDS, DRUNKS, LAYABOUTS, AND MUTANTS. THE FACT THAT THEY ARE DOING SO WELL SAYS A LOT ABOUT THIS PLACE, ALL OF IT SHITTY
[X] THERE IS A CRITICAL LACK OF SKULLS AND OTHER BONY DECORATION. THAT STUFF IS PRETTY DEVILISH – EXCEPT WHEN RIGHTEOUSLY DEPLOYED BY THE IMPERIUM ITSELF, OF COURSE, AT WHICH POINT IT IS TOTALLY GLORIOUS
[X] THERE IS A CRITICAL LACK OF SKULLS AND OTHER BONY DECORATION. THAT STUFF IS PRETTY DEVILISH – EXCEPT WHEN RIGHTEOUSLY DEPLOYED BY THE IMPERIUM ITSELF, OF COURSE, AT WHICH POINT IT IS TOTALLY GLORIOUS

Why can't I pick all of the above?
[X] THERE IS A CRITICAL LACK OF SKULLS AND OTHER BONY DECORATION. THAT STUFF IS PRETTY DEVILISH – EXCEPT WHEN RIGHTEOUSLY DEPLOYED BY THE IMPERIUM ITSELF, OF COURSE, AT WHICH POINT IT IS TOTALLY GLORIOUS

Why can't I pick all of the above?
>>194999
>>194998
I don't know how that happened, mein apologies.
>>195000

YOU HAVE MADE NOTE OF THE MISTAKE AND AS SUCH SHALL NOT BE PENALIZED

ALSO, CONSIDER THIS A VOTE ON WHAT TO FOCUS ON SPECIFICALLY, FOR ALL OF THESE ARE ACCURATE CRITICISMS TO BE MADE OF THIS TERRIBLE EXCUSE FOR AN ESTATE
[X] WHERE IS ALL THE CHAOS BULLSHIT. YOU CANNOT HAVE A SCARLET DEVIL MANSION WITHOUT CHAOS BULLSHIT. WHERE ARE THE DEVILS. THE DEMONS. YOU NEED DEMONS AT A DEVIL MANSION AND THERE IS A CRITICAL SHORTAGE OF THEM HERE
-[X] AND NO YOU ARE NOT A PROPER DEVIL, I KNOW DEVILS WHEN I SEE THEM AND YOU LADY ARE NOT ONE
[X] THERE IS A CRITICAL LACK OF SKULLS AND OTHER BONY DECORATION. THAT STUFF IS PRETTY DEVILISH – EXCEPT WHEN RIGHTEOUSLY DEPLOYED BY THE IMPERIUM ITSELF, OF COURSE, AT WHICH POINT IT IS TOTALLY GLORIOUS

Loving this
File 148964209639.png - (586.05KB, 1089x2066, planet of guardsmen.png) [iqdb]
195004
[X] THERE IS A CRITICAL LACK OF SKULLS AND OTHER BONY DECORATION. THAT STUFF IS PRETTY DEVILISH – EXCEPT WHEN RIGHTEOUSLY DEPLOYED BY THE IMPERIUM ITSELF, OF COURSE, AT WHICH POINT IT IS TOTALLY GLORIOUS

As a good child of the Emperor we probably shouldn't give bab-bat advice on how to Chaos. Even if describing how to properly emulate Papa Nurgle and She-Who-Thirsts would be a sight to behold. Khorne is however covered by the upcoming skull conversation and birdboy can go fuck himself.

And the fortification thing is a weak point anyway. It's the Scarlet Devil Mansion not the Scarlet Devil Artillery Emplacement. It'd be a simple fix anyway, just build everything with guardsmen/fairies.
[X] WHERE IS ALL THE CHAOS BULLSHIT. YOU CANNOT HAVE A SCARLET DEVIL MANSION WITHOUT CHAOS BULLSHIT. WHERE ARE THE DEVILS. THE DEMONS. YOU NEED DEMONS AT A DEVIL MANSION AND THERE IS A CRITICAL SHORTAGE OF THEM HERE
-[X] AND NO, SAYING THAT SHE IS THE TITULAR DEVIL DOESN'T COUNT, THAT'S FUCKING CHEATING
[X] WHERE IS ALL THE CHAOS BULLSHIT. YOU CANNOT HAVE A SCARLET DEVIL MANSION WITHOUT CHAOS BULLSHIT. WHERE ARE THE DEVILS. THE DEMONS. YOU NEED DEMONS AT A DEVIL MANSION AND THERE IS A CRITICAL SHORTAGE OF THEM HERE

YOU'VE ONLY GOT ONE DEMON AND SHE'S SUPER CUTE AND DOESN'T EVEN QUALIFY AS A DAEMONETTE
[X] THIS PLACE ISN'T EVEN FORTIFIED AGAINST THE SMALLEST OF ASSAULTS. GRANTED, YOU'RE A SPACE MARINE AND AS SUCH NO DOORS ARE BARRED TO YOU, BUT YOUR ARMY CONSISTS OF RETARDS, DRUNKS, LAYABOUTS, AND MUTANTS. THE FACT THAT THEY ARE DOING SO WELL SAYS A LOT ABOUT THIS PLACE, ALL OF IT SHITTY.
[X] THERE IS A CRITICAL LACK OF SKULLS AND OTHER BONY DECORATION. THAT STUFF IS PRETTY DEVILISH – EXCEPT WHEN RIGHTEOUSLY DEPLOYED BY THE IMPERIUM ITSELF, OF COURSE, AT WHICH POINT IT IS TOTALLY GLORIOUS

RATTLE RATTLE
[X] THIS PLACE ISN'T EVEN FORTIFIED AGAINST THE SMALLEST OF ASSAULTS. GRANTED, YOU'RE A SPACE MARINE AND AS SUCH NO DOORS ARE BARRED TO YOU, BUT YOUR ARMY CONSISTS OF RETARDS, DRUNKS, LAYABOUTS, AND MUTANTS. THE FACT THAT THEY ARE DOING SO WELL SAYS A LOT ABOUT THIS PLACE, ALL OF IT SHITTY.
[X] WHERE IS ALL THE CHAOS BULLSHIT. YOU CANNOT HAVE A SCARLET DEVIL MANSION WITHOUT CHAOS BULLSHIT. WHERE ARE THE DEVILS. THE DEMONS. YOU NEED DEMONS AT A DEVIL MANSION AND THERE IS A CRITICAL SHORTAGE OF THEM HERE

YOU'VE ONLY GOT ONE DEMON AND SHE'S SUPER CUTE AND DOESN'T EVEN QUALIFY AS A DAEMONETTE

^YOU SEE THAT SHIT, MARINE?

THAT'S PART OF THE VOTE NOW.

WE CHARM THE DEVIL IN TO SUBMISSION.
[X] THIS PLACE ISN'T EVEN FORTIFIED AGAINST THE SMALLEST OF ASSAULTS. GRANTED, YOU'RE A SPACE MARINE AND AS SUCH NO DOORS ARE BARRED TO YOU, BUT YOUR ARMY CONSISTS OF RETARDS, DRUNKS, LAYABOUTS, AND MUTANTS. THE FACT THAT THEY ARE DOING SO WELL SAYS A LOT ABOUT THIS PLACE, ALL OF IT SHITTY
[X] THERE IS A CRITICAL LACK OF SKULLS AND OTHER BONY DECORATION. THAT STUFF IS PRETTY DEVILISH – EXCEPT WHEN RIGHTEOUSLY DEPLOYED BY THE IMPERIUM ITSELF, OF COURSE, AT WHICH POINT IT IS TOTALLY GLORIOUS
[X] THIS PLACE ISN'T EVEN FORTIFIED AGAINST THE SMALLEST OF ASSAULTS. GRANTED, YOU'RE A SPACE MARINE AND AS SUCH NO DOORS ARE BARRED TO YOU, BUT YOUR ARMY CONSISTS OF RETARDS, DRUNKS, LAYABOUTS, AND MUTANTS. THE FACT THAT THEY ARE DOING SO WELL SAYS A LOT ABOUT THIS PLACE, ALL OF IT SHITTY
NOW THIS WAS A LOT CLOSER THAN USUAL, BUT I'M CALLING IT FOR SKULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLS

MAYBE WITH SIDE ORDERS FROM OTHER VOTES TOO
File 148972647118.png - (1.91MB, 2000x2000, CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING - EAT A DICK.png) [iqdb]
195035
“SKULLS,” you say, nodding assuredly. “YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKIN' SKULLS. THIS IS A MASSIVE OVERSIGHT, ESPECIALLY AT A PLACE WITH A NAME LIKE THIS.”

“I beg pardon?” Remilia asks, clearly wondering where you're going with this.

“LOOK. LOOK AT ME.” You point at the Imperial Aquila on your chestplate. “EVEN MY ARMOR HAS A SKULL. THE IMPERIAL AQUILA GOES ON EVERYTHING AND IT HAS A SKULL AND AND ALL THAT GOOD SHIT. I'M THE FUCKING GOOD GUY HERE, YEAH? EVEN THE GOOD GUYS UNDERSTAND YOU CANNOT HAVE A GOOD SKULL FORTRESS WITHOUT SKULLS, BUT HERE YOU ARE WITH A SCARLET DEVIL MANSION THAT HAS ZERO SKULLS.

“...Leaving aside your definition of 'good guy',” says Remilia, her expression flat, “I need to ask you this; do you take me for a barbarian?” She huffs. “I strive for a warm and inviting atmosphere around here, thank you!”

“YOU RUN THE SCARLET DEVIL MANSION WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO BE HOMEY FOR

“People have to live here, that's why,” she says, like you have some kind of TERMINAL BRAIN DAAGE.

“THEN YOU HAVE EVEN LESS REASON TO HAVE SUCH ROAST-AWFUL DECOR. COME ON, LIVE DEATH TO THE FULLEST!”

Remilia's even-keeled stare does not falter. “You think people would enjoy the parties I host if I littered the place with bones, do you?”

PARTIES?” you wheeze, which is still louder than most people can manage to scream. “YOU HOLD PARTIES AT THE SCARLET DEVIL MANSION?

Remilia looks fairly taken aback. “Well, yes? It's not like a refined lady can just go around randomly mauling people for sport!” She blinks, a brow lifting as she looks up in thought. “...At least not often!” she adds.

“FUCKING HELL, YOU'RE SLAANESHI THEN, AREN'T YOU?” You clap a power fist against your forehead in disbelief. “NO FUCKING WONDER THERE'S NO SKULLS.”

Her expression's flatlined again, although this time from incomprehension. “I'm a what now.”

“I AM NOT GONNA FULLY EXPLAIN CHAOS TO MUTANT HERETICS LIKE YOURSELF BECAUSE THAT SHIT'S ASKING FOR TROUBLE. I BET YOU GET UP TO ORGIES, THOUGH, DON'T YOU?”

Remilia's grip on her stand tightens, her eyebrows drawing tight together. “Excuse me?”

You spread your arms in supplication to the almighty Emperor, so He may protect you from the RAMPANT MORAL FAILURE you now face. “I CAN JUST SEE IT NOW. THAT'S HOW DEGENERATE GOVENORS TEND TO WIND UP WHEN THEY THINK THE IMPERIUM ISN'T WATCHING, AND THEN NEXT THING YOU KNOW, BAM!” Everyone present jolts when your fists clap together and MINORLY EXPLODE; you silently give the Big E your thanks for that TIMING. “YOU'VE GOT DAEMONETTES ALL OVER THE PLACE FUCKING EVERYONE, AND I DO MEAN EVERYONE, AND THE WHOLE PLANET IS NOW A CHAOS SHITHOLE THAT I HAVE TO LAND ON AND BEAT UP. IT IS SUCH A GODDAMN CHORE, YOU KNOW THAT? AND ALL BECAUSE SOME FUCKING DUMBASS NOBLES CAN'T KEEP IT IN THEIR PANTS – OR SKIRTS, I DON'T DISCRIMINATE HERE – LONG ENOUGH TO THINK ABOUT THE FUCKING CONSEQUENCES OF BEING DECADENT QUEERMOSEXUALS OF THE HIGHEST ORDER.”

Remilia needs several seconds of blinking to take this in. She also has to stick a finger in a pointy ear and work at it a little. “...I see you have strong feelings on this subject.”

“IT IS MY SOLE PURPOSE IN THIS LIFE TO HAVE STRONG FEELINGS ON THINGS THAT ARE DETRIMENTAL TO THE IMPERIUM, AND THEN LEVERAGE THOSE STRONG FEELINGS INTO STRONG SMASHINGS. OF HERESY. AND ALIENS. AND WHATEVER ELSE IS IN THE WAY.” You need to start taking some DEEP BREATHS to get A TINY BIT LESS ANGRY.

The frilly little shit smirks. “And also strong feelings on proper Imperial aesthetics, hm?”

“THAT IS A HOBBY,” you concede.

Her smirk widens by the most miniscule of fractions. “I thought your sole purpose was to be angry at everything?”

“I CAN DEVIATE A BIT FROM THE SCRIPT,” you say, not at all defensively, for you have nothing to defend. “YOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE I SUFFER FROM SOME MAJOR MORAL FAILINGS HERE, WHICH IS RICH COMING FROM SOMEONE WHO LIVES AT THE SCARLET DEVIL MANSION.

There's a gusty sigh from the mini-vampire. “Doyou, do you have to shout extra hard every time you say that?”

“I DON'T GET WHY YOU SAID MY NAME TWICE BUT YES. YES I DO.”

“Ugh.” Remilia shakes her head, her smirk fading a tad. “I do not hold orgies, in any case.”

“I STRONGLY DISAGREE!” You point dramatically at her – she doesn't even twitch. “TELL ME! HOW MANY INNOCENT YOUNG CITIZENS HAVE YOU DEFILED? I BET IT'S SHITLOADS.”

Remilia's still smiling, but her stare is so chilly that it meets your boiling rage and absolutely refuses to melt. “I don't see how that's any of your business.”

“OH REALLY? REALLY, IT ISN'T? NOT EVEN A LITTLE?”

Remilia's eyes have narrowed to little slits, now. She otherwise remains silent.
__________

[X] SHE'S CLEARLY GUILTY OF SOMETHING JUDGING BY THAT REACTION. PRESS THIS ADVANTAGE; GIVE HER NO QUARTER

[X] ...YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY BE WRONG HERE – SLAANESHI BULLSHIT IS USUALLY A LOT MORE OBVIOUS. MAYBE YOU'LL HAVE MORE LUCK WITH A DIFFERENT TOPIC

-[X] WHERE IS ALL THE CHAOS BULLSHIT AND ETC ETC YOU KNOW THE DRILL

-[X] THIS PLACE ISN'T EVEN FORTIFIED AGAINST THE SMALLEST OF ASSAULTS AND SO ON AND SO FORTH

-[X] WHAT IS THIS GENIUS IDEA YOU HAVE SUDDENLY COME UP WITH? [WRITE IT IN]
[X] SHE'S CLEARLY GUILTY OF SOMETHING JUDGING BY THAT REACTION. PRESS THIS ADVANTAGE; GIVE HER NO QUARTER
-[X] BUT ATTACK FROM A DIFFERENT ANGLE: BEGIN QUESTIONING THE MAID
[X] SHE'S CLEARLY GUILTY OF SOMETHING JUDGING BY THAT REACTION. PRESS THIS ADVANTAGE; GIVE HER NO QUARTER
-[X] BUT ATTACK FROM A DIFFERENT ANGLE: BEGIN QUESTIONING THE MAID

THE MAID HAS BEEN DEFILED, SHE IS HER OWN TESTIMONY
[X] SHE'S CLEARLY GUILTY OF SOMETHING JUDGING BY THAT REACTION. PRESS THIS ADVANTAGE; GIVE HER NO QUARTER
-[X] BUT ATTACK FROM A DIFFERENT ANGLE: BEGIN QUESTIONING THE MAID
[X] ...YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY BE WRONG HERE – SLAANESHI BULLSHIT IS USUALLY A LOT MORE OBVIOUS. MAYBE YOU'LL HAVE MORE LUCK WITH A DIFFERENT TOPIC
- [X] WHERE IS ALL THE CHAOS BULLSHIT AND ETC ETC YOU KNOW THE DRILL

AND IF SHE SAYS SHE ACTUALLY DOES HAVE A DEMON DEMAND SHE DRAG IT OUT HERE SO YOU CAN SEE WHETHER IT'S A PROPER DEMON
File 14897358136.webm - (105.15KB, 640x360, Press This Advantage.webm) [iqdb]
195043
[X] SHE'S CLEARLY GUILTY OF SOMETHING JUDGING BY THAT REACTION. PRESS THIS ADVANTAGE; GIVE HER NO QUARTER
-[X] BUT ATTACK FROM A DIFFERENT ANGLE: BEGIN QUESTIONING THE MAID
[X] SHE'S CLEARLY GUILTY OF SOMETHING JUDGING BY THAT REACTION. PRESS THIS ADVANTAGE; GIVE HER NO QUARTER
[X] SHE'S CLEARLY GUILTY OF SOMETHING JUDGING BY THAT REACTION. PRESS THIS ADVANTAGE; GIVE HER NO QUARTER

HA, VIRGINS

ALSO, STOP HARRASING THE MAID, THIS IS A 1V1
[X] SHE'S CLEARLY GUILTY OF SOMETHING JUDGING BY THAT REACTION. PRESS THIS ADVANTAGE; GIVE HER NO QUARTER
>>195048
ALL'S FAIR IN LOVE AND SHITTALKING
WHO ELSE WOULD KNOW BETTER ABOUT ANY SEXUALLY DEVIANT BULLSHIT THAN THE ONE WHO WOULD CLEAN IT UP?
[X] SHE'S CLEARLY GUILTY OF SOMETHING JUDGING BY THAT REACTION. PRESS THIS ADVANTAGE; GIVE HER NO QUARTER
-[X] INTERROGATE THE MAIDS
[X] SHE'S CLEARLY GUILTY OF SOMETHING JUDGING BY THAT REACTION. PRESS THIS ADVANTAGE; GIVE HER NO QUARTER

Oh Remillia, I don't want to do this to you, but it's just so fun.
[X] SHE'S CLEARLY GUILTY OF SOMETHING JUDGING BY THAT REACTION. PRESS THIS ADVANTAGE; GIVE HER NO QUARTER
-[X] NOT GETTING ANY, HUH? THAT'S DUE TO YOUR SHIT TASTE IN DECOR
File 148981194657.png - (1.34MB, 1120x1540, FUCKING MARINE GET OFF MY MANSION REEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.png) [iqdb]
195075
You've got her on the ropes with this. You can just about taste it. As such... “I CALL A WITNESS TO THE STAND.”

“This, again, is not a trial,” says Remilia, a mite testily.

Yeah. Yeah, you're onto something, all right. “I'M STILL DOING IT BECAUSE FUCK YOU. TELEPORTY MAIDY BITCH, COME ON UP!”

“Um-” says Sakuya, hesitating a moment, before she steps forward between the two of you. “Mistress, I'll just-”

“Oh, go on, Sakuya, I trust in your judgment,” says the vampire, unblinkingly staring you down. “He won't shut up about it if you don't.”

“Right. Phew.” Sakuya clasps her hands together and bows her head. “So, I'm the head maid here at the Scarlet Devil Mansion-”

“GET ON WITH IT.”

“I'm setting the stage,” she replies, giving you a reproachful scowl.

“OKAY FINE WHATEVER,” you concede with a flippant wave of your hand. “BOSS CLEANER LADY, YADA YADA, WHAT NEXT?”

“This means,” Sakuya says, finding some PROPER GODDAMN BACKBONE through sheer SERVANTLY IRRITATION, “that I have access to every single part of the mansion, and I assist Remilia in her daily life. It also means I am well placed to see everything she does.”

“EVERYTHING?”

“Everything.” She nods. “And I can tell you that, from dusk 'til dawn 'til dusk again, milady is the perfect picture of noble elegance and courtesy. She would never, ever sink so low as to hold an orgy. Not at the mansion, not anywhere outside the mansion, nowhere at all. Her honor is pure as snow, sir! Even the fairies will-” She twitches mid-word, her speech faltering for not even half a second. “-attest to her good intentions!”

SOMETHING IS FUCKY.

“YOU KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT FAIRIES,” you accuse, leaning over to loom as menacingly as you can when wedged behind this tiny ridiculous goddamn thing. “TELL ME BEFORE I BEAT YOU WITH MY STAND.”

Sakuya blinks. For the first time since she began speaking, she's faltering. “Wh-what? I said nothing-”

“NO, I WILL NOT FUCKING LET THIS SLIDE.” You thrust a finger out at her, so very close to taking her head off her shoulders. “TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!”

She... looks away. “I- I can't.”

THRONE TAKE YOU!” you howl, and she has to brace herself or fall over. “EXPLAIN BEFORE I EAT YOUR EAT YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING HEAD!

Remilia snaps her fingers, cutting in with a loud, sharp voice. “Really, now, I know the poor girl very dearly! If she says she can't-”

“I AIN'T LETTING YOU AND YOUR BIASED RELATIONSHIP SPOIL THE PROCEEDINGS, FUCKNUGGET!” You turn your horrible gaze back to Sakuya, who flinches. “THIS IS THE LAST CHANCE I WILL GIVE YOU TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF.

“Sakuya,” Remilia says, now suddenly very level-voiced, and you can SENSE the warning in it. “I think-”

“FUCK HER!” you interrupt, and Sakuya has to clamp her hands over her ears. “IF SHE TRIES ANYTHING I'LL BEAT HER ASS INTO THE GROUND. SAY THE WORDS.”

“That's- Okay. Okay.” Sakuya takes a deep, long breath, lowering her hands again. “I have to clean up the most... sensitive areas in the mansion, yes?”

“THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLY LEWD ALREADY, GO ON.”

Sakuya,” Remilia says, her tone cloyingly, dangerously sweet. “Remember who you've sworn to serve, here.”

“I ALREADY PROMISED MY PROTECTION IF SHE TRIES ANY FANCY BULLSHIT,” you retort, keeping an eye on the vampire just in case. “SO JUST HURRY UP FOR FUCK'S SAKE.”

Sakuya closes her eyes tight and takes a deep breath. “I don't know the full picture, but- at night, when Milady retires- sometimes she picks one of the maids to join her-”

Sakuya,” Remilia grinds out, her smile rigid. “Do you really want to keep going with this?”

Sakuya bows her head, her speech increasing in speed. “I looked through the door, once, a little while after it'd happened. I know I shouldn't have, but I did. And-”

Sakuya!” Remilia barks, her eyes going wide. “Don't you dare!

“And- and Remilia had this girl on her lap--”

Sakuya-

“And she was-”

“Not another word!” Remilia lunges- but you ANTICIPATED that shit, and are already leaping to intercept.

“DON'T STOP NOW, YOU FUCK!” you roar.

“REMILIA WAS PETTING HER HEAD!” Sakuya all but screams, and then you collide with a vampire and go through a wall.

Ow.

The world falls silent in a span of about five meters or so around you, because the rest of the air is filled with violence still (EMPEROR, THAT FIGHT'S DRAGGING OUT). You, meanwhile, have a vampire on top of you who sports an expression like she's been dealt a mortal wound.

“...HEADPATS,” you say. “BE THIS TRUE?”

Remilia sags against you, wide eyes peeking out from between the hands on her face. She looks at you like one already damned. “Yes.”

“BY THE EMPEROR,” you breathe out.
__________

[X] WE GOT A HEADPATTER, HUH? PAT HER HEAD AND SEE HOW SHE LIKES IT, THAT'LL TEACH HER FOR SURE

[X] SHE MIGHT BE EXPECTING THE HEADPAT OF IRONIC RETRIBUTION, SO JUST HEADBUTT HER
[X] WE GOT A HEADPATTER, HUH? PAT HER HEAD AND SEE HOW SHE LIKES IT, THAT'LL TEACH HER FOR SURE

SEEMS FAIR
[X] WE GOT A HEADPATTER, HUH? PAT HER HEAD AND SEE HOW SHE LIKES IT, THAT'LL TEACH HER FOR SURE
[X] WE GOT A HEADPATTER, HUH? PAT HER HEAD AND SEE HOW SHE LIKES IT, THAT'LL TEACH HER FOR SURE
[X] HELL, GIVE SAKUYA A HEADPAT, TOO, FOR INFORMING YOU.
[X] WE GOT A HEADPATTER, HUH? PAT HER HEAD AND SEE HOW SHE LIKES IT, THAT'LL TEACH HER FOR SURE

EMPEROR ALMIGHTY, WE HAVE A HARDENED CRIMINAL HERE FOLKS.
[X] WE GOT A HEADPATTER, HUH? PAT HER HEAD AND SEE HOW SHE LIKES IT, THAT'LL TEACH HER FOR SURE
[X] HELL, GIVE SAKUYA A HEADPAT, TOO, FOR INFORMING YOU.

SHE MAY BE A TELEPORTY BITCH, BUT SHE IS A GOOD AND HONEST TELEPORTY BITCH AND SHOULD BE REWARDED ACCORDINGLY.
[X] WE GOT A HEADPATTER, HUH? PAT HER HEAD AND SEE HOW SHE LIKES IT, THAT'LL TEACH HER FOR SURE

SLAANESHI WORSHIP? WE MUST MAKE SURE THIS CLEARLY NOBLE VAMPIRE IS NOT SOME SORT OF FILTHY HEADPAT FETISHIST
[X] WE GOT A HEADPATTER, HUH? PAT HER HEAD AND SEE HOW SHE LIKES IT, THAT'LL TEACH HER FOR SURE
[X] HELL, GIVE SAKUYA A HEADPAT, TOO, FOR INFORMING YOU.
[X] WE GOT A HEADPATTER, HUH? PAT HER HEAD AND SEE HOW SHE LIKES IT, THAT'LL TEACH HER FOR SURE
[X] HELL, GIVE SAKUYA A HEADPAT, TOO, FOR INFORMING YOU.

SO SHE GIVES OFF THE COOL AND COLLECTED LADYLIKE AURA TO VISITORS WHILE IN TRUTH SHE IS HEADPATTING SOFTIE TO HER MAIDS? SHE MUST BE SO MORTIFIED BY IT BEING REVEALED
[X] WE GOT A HEADPATTER, HUH? PAT HER HEAD AND SEE HOW SHE LIKES IT, THAT'LL TEACH HER FOR SURE
[X] HELL, GIVE SAKUYA A HEADPAT, TOO, FOR INFORMING YOU.
[X] WE GOT A HEADPATTER, HUH? PAT HER HEAD AND SEE HOW SHE LIKES IT, THAT'LL TEACH HER FOR SURE
[X] HELL, GIVE SAKUYA A HEADPAT, TOO, FOR INFORMING YOU.
[X] WE GOT A HEADPATTER, HUH? PAT HER HEAD AND SEE HOW SHE LIKES IT, THAT'LL TEACH HER FOR SURE
[X] HELL, GIVE SAKUYA A HEADPAT, TOO, FOR INFORMING YOU.

Using her position of authority to fulfill her desires with impunity is fucking disgraceful. She deserves every single one of these pats on her soft, fluffy head.
[X] SHE MIGHT BE EXPECTING THE HEADPAT OF IRONIC RETRIBUTION, SO JUST HEADBUTT HER
-[X] BUT GIVE SAKUYA A HEADPAT FOR INFORMING YOU.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH ALL OF THE ABSOLUTE DEGENERACY HERE? WE ONLY GIVE OUT GENTLE HEADPATS FROM A STANDING POSITION WITH THE LIGHTS ON, ONLY FOR THE PURPOSE OF REWARDING GOOD GIRLS.
>>195100


FUCKING THIS. VOTING FOR THIS AND ANY OTHER FAGGOT WHO DOES OTHERWISE IS GETTING FUCKING BLAM'D.
[X] SHE MIGHT BE EXPECTING THE HEADPAT OF IRONIC RETRIBUTION, SO JUST HEADBUTT HER
-[X] BUT GIVE SAKUYA A HEADPAT FOR INFORMING YOU.

She has to earn those headpats. The maid totally has though, so it's fine.
>>195100

You're naive, Anon. The headpat is so much more than a reward. It represents dominance and lordship over a weaker and cuter foe. Adding it to our ever-evolving arsenal of FISTS, WORDS, and IMPROVISED WEAPONRY, will grant us an unforeseen edge in our battles to come.

Remilia has probably fought a thousand and one battles in her lifetime, enduring an equal number of headbutts from her would-be slayers. The fact that she still stands today means physical force probably won't work on her.
>>195106

ARE YOU SERIOUSLY SUGGESTING LEWD COMBAT? THAT SOUNDS LIKE SLAANESHI GARBAGE TO ME, AND WE DON'T TAKE KINDLY TO THAT HERE. AND BY "DON'T TAKE KINDLY" I MEAN BEAT INTO A BLOODY PULP WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE, YOU HERETICAL LITTLE SHIT.
>>195108

Lewd? You can't honestly believe that, right? Headpats are the purest expression of affection and dominance there is.
[X] SHE MIGHT BE EXPECTING THE HEADPAT OF IRONIC RETRIBUTION, SO JUST HEADBUTT HER
-[X] BUT GIVE SAKUYA A HEADPAT FOR INFORMING YOU.
>>195112

AND ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT WE FEEL SOME SORT OF AFFECTION FOR THIS HALF-ASSED 'SCARLET DEVIL'?

Breaking character for a moment, what you say is reasonable. But this story is clearly following the 'headpats and handholding are the lewdest acts' joke, and I fully intend to run with it.
>>195114

No. I'm only defending and rationalizing my vote because it sticks to the non-violence theme in this arc.
[X] WE GOT A HEADPATTER, HUH? PAT HER HEAD AND SEE HOW SHE LIKES IT, THAT'LL TEACH HER FOR SURE

WE ARE DEALING WITH A TRULY DERANGED MIND HERE. DOMINANCE MUST BE ASSERTED, WITH THE EMPEROR'S WILL OVERCOMING ANY AND ALL HERESY. EVEN THAT OF A CHRONIC HEADPATTER.
File 148989948729.jpg - (234.25KB, 600x810, LOOK AT THAT HAPPY FACE.jpg) [iqdb]
195133
“AND HERE I THOUGHT YOU JUST COULDN'T GET ANY,” you say, grabbing her by the shoulders before she can TRY ANY SHIT. “BUT INSTEAD YOU'RE SOME KIND OF DOTING, HEADPATTING FIEND.

She's not even putting up a fight here. This is just kind of depressing. “Go to hell, you giant bastard.”

“TOO LATE ALREADY DID.” You get one huge hand around both her tiny stick arms, freeing your second hand to make your will manifest upon her. “YOU ARE SUCH A TINY BABY. DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WITH TINY BABIES.”

Do not,” Remilia hisses, her eyes getting somehow even wider.

“DO,” you intone, and then you lay your POWER FIST upon her head in a POWER PAT.

It takes a moment, and then- OH SHIT SHE'S CROSS-EYED, AWESOME. “Guh.

You pat harder, eager to see what other effects you will have upon this MINI-VAMP. She starts foaming at the mouth. Your only real answer to that is a “WHAT,” and then you get to patting HARDER STILL.

Ghrhrhrhkghg,” gurgles Remilia, twitching in a hideously HILARIOUS fashion. You STOP, because you do not want to give her PERMANENT BRAIN DAMAGE just yet. It takes her vigorously shaking her head to fix this, but then her eyes are back in focus and doing their best to drill through your brain. “You son of a bitch!

“MY MOTHER WAS THE BIGGEST BITCH IN THE QUADRANT, AND SHE WAS MORE WOMAN THAN YOU WILL EVER, EVER, EVER BE, YOU PLASMA-SUCKING TWIT.” Another MIGHTY PAT is delivered to her head.

Hhrgyhrhrgh,” gurgles Remilia once more, eyes crossing yet again. It's like JOY SEIZURES or some shit.

“I DON'T KNOW WHY IT HAS THIS EFFECT ON HER,” you say, not stopping as Sakuya peeks through the hole in the wall, staring down at you in a mixture of horror and intense fascination.

“A-ah, Mistress doesn't- well, I don't know if she's ever let this happen to her before,” she says, looking away.

“WELL NOW IT HAS AND NOW SHE KNOWS THE TERRIBLE POWER SHE WAS UNLEASHING WANTONLY ON INNOCENT LITTLE RETARDS.” UP YOU GO, and you lob Remilia aside to free your hands – it's not your fault she goes through a wall in the process, and anyway you're not fighting her, so it doesn't count against your sudden NON-PHYSICALLY VIOLENT DOMINATION streak. “SO GUESS WHAT YOU GET?”

“Um,” says Sakuya, staring up at you with big, wide, blue eyes.

MAID PAT!” you declare, and then you give the maid a pat also on the head.

Oh god,” Sakuya gasps, clapping hands on reddened cheeks. “What-”

You get REALLY INTO THE RUFFLING with your GIANT HAND. Sakuya's legs buckle not FIVE SECONDS IN and she goes DOWN HARD, thoroughly dazed underneath the power of your MIGHTY PATS.

“This has gotten incredibly debased,” says the fairy captain, who's now leaning on the balcony next to the SHIT-RIPPER and is evidently having a conversation with her between this NOT AT ALL ENJOYABLE COMMENTARY.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I WILL PUNCH YOU OUT OF THAT ARMOR,” you say, brushing your hands off after pattings well delivered.

“O-oh.” She shuts up.

“YEAH THAT'S RIGHT.” You turn about leisurely, and catch a Remilia who decided now was a good time to lunge at you through the hole in the wall you accidentally made with her. “SUP.”

“I'll get you for this,” she says very calmly, having somehow already recovered from your POWER PATS. She folds her arms, staring levelly at you even though you're holding her by the head and she's dangling in the air. “Don't think you'll ever be safe again, anywhere you go.”

“YEAH THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY, SO WHATEVER.” You shrug. “ANYWAY. NOW THAT I HAVE SLAIN YOU IN HONORABLE WORDLY AND ALSO HEADPATTY COMBAT, TELL ME – WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT BITCH YUKARI? I'MMA PUNCH HER. IN THE FACE.”

Remilia blinks, and then her eyes narrow. “What?”

“I CAME TO YOUR ASSTACULAR MANSION TO FIND LEADS ON YUKARI. THE PURPLE BITCH. BECAUSE YOUR HOUSE IS TACKY AND I JUST BET A TACKY BITCH LIKE YOURSELF WOULD KNOW THAT CUNT.”

“...You're breaking all of my things to find Yukari?

“YES WHAT IS SO DIFFICULT TO GRASP HERE.”

Remilia makes little strangling motions at you, but you just hold her out further so she can't get VAMPIRE HANDS on your armor. “I don't even like her! She's a bitch!”

“FOR ONCE YOU SPEAK TRUTH WORDS, YOU DEGENERATE HERETIC. NOW TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO KNOW.”

This only spurs Remilia to throttle the air ahead of your neck EVEN HARDER. “I'm not going to help you just because you-”

You let go of her, and the instant she touches the ground is when she's hit by a MISSILE HEADPAT, which is a regular headpat at SKULL-CRUSHING SPEEDS.

Guh,” she rasps, rammed halfway into the floor as you ruffle VAMPIRE HAIR. “Stoooooop.
__________

[X] THIS HAS GONE PRETTY FAR AND YOU ARE CONTENT YOU HAVE ESTABLISHED WHO THE FUCKING BOSS IS AROUND HERE, SO YOU SHALL CEASE WITH SATISFACTION IN YOUR CONQUEST OF A FOE HONORABLY DEFEATED

[X] YOU'RE GONNA KEEP GOING, BECAUSE FUCK HER, YOU'RE THE MARINE IN CHARGE AND YOU'RE DOING WHAT YOU WANT, WHICH INCLUDES PATTING HER HEAD SO HARD AND SO MUCH THAT SHE WILL DAMN WELL LIKE IT AND ASK FOR SECONDS
[X] YOU'RE GONNA KEEP GOING, BECAUSE FUCK HER, YOU'RE THE MARINE IN CHARGE AND YOU'RE DOING WHAT YOU WANT, WHICH INCLUDES PATTING HER HEAD SO HARD AND SO MUCH THAT SHE WILL DAMN WELL LIKE IT AND ASK FOR SECONDS

MIND CRUSH
[X] YOU'RE GONNA KEEP GOING, BECAUSE FUCK HER, YOU'RE THE MARINE IN CHARGE AND YOU'RE DOING WHAT YOU WANT, WHICH INCLUDES PATTING HER HEAD SO HARD AND SO MUCH THAT SHE WILL DAMN WELL LIKE IT AND ASK FOR SECONDS
[X] IN FACT, TAKE THIS BACK OUTSIDE, LET EVERYONE SEE WHO IS NOW IN CHARGE BY RULE OF HEAD PATS

SOMEONE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT RECRUITING THE WHOLE MANSION

IT MUST BE DONE
[X] YOU'RE GONNA KEEP GOING, BECAUSE FUCK HER, YOU'RE THE MARINE IN CHARGE AND YOU'RE DOING WHAT YOU WANT, WHICH INCLUDES PATTING HER HEAD SO HARD AND SO MUCH THAT SHE WILL DAMN WELL LIKE IT AND ASK FOR SECONDS
[X] IN FACT, TAKE THIS BACK OUTSIDE, LET EVERYONE SEE WHO IS NOW IN CHARGE BY RULE OF HEAD PATS

Fuck it, fine. We will turn this debased house into a fine convent of the Emperor. Or something.
[X] THIS HAS GONE PRETTY FAR AND YOU ARE CONTENT YOU HAVE ESTABLISHED WHO THE FUCKING BOSS IS AROUND HERE, SO YOU SHALL CEASE WITH SATISFACTION IN YOUR CONQUEST OF A FOE HONORABLY DEFEATED

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH
[X] THIS HAS GONE PRETTY FAR AND YOU ARE CONTENT YOU HAVE ESTABLISHED WHO THE FUCKING BOSS IS AROUND HERE, SO YOU SHALL CEASE WITH SATISFACTION IN YOUR CONQUEST OF A FOE HONORABLY DEFEATED
-[X] THEN LEAD HER OUT IN FRONT OF ALL THE TARDLINGS AND DELIVER A MIGHTY, MINDBREAKING HEADPAT FOR ALL OF THEM TO WITNESS

IT'S ALL ABOUT TIMING.

ALSO, FUCKBOYNESS HAS BLIPPED DOWN BY THREE NOTCHES BECAUSE HEADPATTY COMBAT IS THE BEST COMBAT. I ALMOST FEEL SOMETHING IN MY HEARTS BESIDES SEETHING ANGER AND DISGUST. VERY GOOD JOB.
[X] YOU'RE GONNA KEEP GOING, BECAUSE FUCK HER, YOU'RE THE MARINE IN CHARGE AND YOU'RE DOING WHAT YOU WANT, WHICH INCLUDES PATTING HER HEAD SO HARD AND SO MUCH THAT SHE WILL DAMN WELL LIKE IT AND ASK FOR SECONDS

inb4 this ends up like every other story and we stay in the mansion forever
>>195138

This. There is no honor is striking a downed, defeated opponent.

[X] THIS HAS GONE PRETTY FAR AND YOU ARE CONTENT YOU HAVE ESTABLISHED WHO THE FUCKING BOSS IS AROUND HERE, SO YOU SHALL CEASE WITH SATISFACTION IN YOUR CONQUEST OF A FOE HONORABLY DEFEATED
[X] YOU'RE GONNA KEEP GOING, BECAUSE FUCK HER, YOU'RE THE MARINE IN CHARGE AND YOU'RE DOING WHAT YOU WANT, WHICH INCLUDES PATTING HER HEAD SO HARD AND SO MUCH THAT SHE WILL DAMN WELL LIKE IT AND ASK FOR SECONDS

LET'S KEEP GOING AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS
[X] YOU'RE GONNA KEEP GOING, BECAUSE FUCK HER, YOU'RE THE MARINE IN CHARGE AND YOU'RE DOING WHAT YOU WANT, WHICH INCLUDES PATTING HER HEAD SO HARD AND SO MUCH THAT SHE WILL DAMN WELL LIKE IT AND ASK FOR SECONDS

GENTLEMEN, LADIES, AND GENTLEMAN LADIES, WE HAVE LEARNED WHAT THE PEOPLE OF GENSOKYO ARE WEAK TO.

POINT-BLANK HEADPATS.
[X] THIS HAS GONE PRETTY FAR AND YOU ARE CONTENT YOU HAVE ESTABLISHED WHO THE FUCKING BOSS IS AROUND HERE, SO YOU SHALL CEASE WITH SATISFACTION IN YOUR CONQUEST OF A FOE HONORABLY DEFEATED
[X] THIS HAS GONE PRETTY FAR AND YOU ARE CONTENT YOU HAVE ESTABLISHED WHO THE FUCKING BOSS IS AROUND HERE, SO YOU SHALL CEASE WITH SATISFACTION IN YOUR CONQUEST OF A FOE HONORABLY DEFEATED
[X] THIS HAS GONE PRETTY FAR AND YOU ARE CONTENT YOU HAVE ESTABLISHED WHO THE FUCKING BOSS IS AROUND HERE, SO YOU SHALL CEASE WITH SATISFACTION IN YOUR CONQUEST OF A FOE HONORABLY DEFEATED
>>195138

DO YOU NOT SEE THE TACTICAL GENIUS?
[X] THIS HAS GONE PRETTY FAR AND YOU ARE CONTENT YOU HAVE ESTABLISHED WHO THE FUCKING BOSS IS AROUND HERE, SO YOU SHALL CEASE WITH SATISFACTION IN YOUR CONQUEST OF A FOE HONORABLY DEFEATED
-[X] THEN LEAD HER OUT IN FRONT OF ALL THE TARDLINGS AND DELIVER A MIGHTY, MINDBREAKING HEADPAT FOR ALL OF THEM TO WITNESS
[X] THIS HAS GONE PRETTY FAR AND YOU ARE CONTENT YOU HAVE ESTABLISHED WHO THE FUCKING BOSS IS AROUND HERE, SO YOU SHALL CEASE WITH SATISFACTION IN YOUR CONQUEST OF A FOE HONORABLY DEFEATED
-[X] THEN LEAD HER OUT IN FRONT OF ALL THE TARDLINGS AND DELIVER A MIGHTY, MINDBREAKING HEADPAT FOR ALL OF THEM TO WITNESS

WE NEED TO SHOW FAIRY MEIDOS WHO´S THE BOSS BEFORE THEY DEIGN TO JOIN OUR HORDE OF SUICIDAL SPRITES. PERHAPS WE OUGHT TO GET MORE OFFICERS FOR THEM?
[X] THIS HAS GONE PRETTY FAR AND YOU ARE CONTENT YOU HAVE ESTABLISHED WHO THE FUCKING BOSS IS AROUND HERE, SO YOU SHALL CEASE WITH SATISFACTION IN YOUR CONQUEST OF A FOE HONORABLY DEFEATED
-[X] THEN LEAD HER OUT IN FRONT OF ALL THE TARDLINGS AND DELIVER A MIGHTY, MINDBREAKING HEADPAT FOR ALL OF THEM TO WITNESS
[X] YOU'RE GONNA KEEP GOING, BECAUSE FUCK HER, YOU'RE THE MARINE IN CHARGE AND YOU'RE DOING WHAT YOU WANT, WHICH INCLUDES PATTING HER HEAD SO HARD AND SO MUCH THAT SHE WILL DAMN WELL LIKE IT AND ASK FOR SECONDS

THERE IS A POINT WHERE WE SHOULD STOP AND WE'VE ALREADY GONE FAR BEYOND IT, BUT LET'S KEEP GOING ANYWAYS AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS
File 148998574752.jpg - (1.33MB, 1600x1600, SHE HAS NO CHARISMA SHE HAS NO GRACE.jpg) [iqdb]
195179
You STOP.

Whurghablurrr,” says Remilia, shaking her head so fast it's a blur. By the time she's straightened herself out, you've grabbed her face again, the better to yank her RIGHT BACK OUT. “whyyyyyyyyy

“FUCK YOU I'M IN CHARGE, THAT'S WHY.” You stomp out through the hole onto the balcony, and Remilia starts to sizzle wherever direct sunlight touches her skin. You wave the mini-vampire about menacingly at Karin. “DON'T YOU FUCKING TOUCH MY SCYTHE WHILE I'M DOWN THERE OR I WILL EAT YOU ALIVE FROM THE FEET UP.”

She leans waaaaaaaaaaay back in alarm, which is good enough an answer for you, so you move on. It's with a single BRAVE JUMP that you land in the mansion's courtyard, smashing a TERRIBLE FOUNTAIN CENTERPIECE into pieces in the process.

“CAN Y'ALL BITCHES HEAR MY VOICE?” you bellow into the sky, holding a steaming vampire up for all to see. The fight stops – there are many more ZOMBIE FAIRIES than there are MAID FAIRIES still alive, which fills you with ACCEPTABLE AMOUNTS OF PRIDE given the difference in size between your forces. “COOL. BEHOLD YOUR LEADER.”

The reaction from your side is instantaneous cheering, whereas the mansion fairies all look solidly shaken up.

“NOW!” You slam Remilia RIGHT BACK INTO THE GROUND, all the way down to her waist once more. She takes this remarkably well, which is to say she's looking pretty dazed between all the GROUND-CRUSHINGS and HEAD-GRABBINGS. At least she no longer sizzles, what with your shadow enveloping her. You lift a huge fist into the sky, fingers out, palm exposed, to draw everyone's attention. “BEHOLD!”

Your fist comes down FAST AND HARD, CRACKLING with ELECTRIC MIGHT, and SMASH IT into Remilia's head with a blast that DOES NOT knock you off your feet this time, for you have braced for this shit with your EXTRA SWOLENESS.

“hurgghh” groans Remilia, somehow still conscious after such a mighty INITIAL PAT – and then you RUFFLE THE VAMP'S HAIR. The gasps and girlish shrieks from your audience may pierce your ears and tear through the sky, but it merely tells you you're accomplishing exactly what you set out to do. Remilia herself starts vibrating in place, harder and harder and harder until she's essentially a child-shaped blur in the ground going “whugrhlhrhbaugh.”

Eventually.

EVENTUALLY.

You cease.

“I HOPE THIS HAS BEEN ENLIGHTENING,” you say to all fae still flying – quite a few of them have DROPPED FROM THE SKY in the face of your awe-inducing display, all theirs, for YOUR fairies are bright enough to CATCH their dazed comrades. “AND NOW, YOU MAY CONSIDER YOURSELVES HONORED TO-”

There's a trio of VERY FAMILIAR SCREAMS from inside the mansion, varying in pitch and intensity, and then they cut out one after another. You turn to glare at the source, and are rewarded by the sight of a segment of the mansion's upper walls shattering in a shower of brickwork, a flailing bundle of limbs tearing through the air – and then it lands at your feet, and you get a good look at it and roar “EMPEROR'S TAINT!” for BEST CUDGEL and ELDAR BITCH and MISS SUNSHINE are all twisted up together in a massive pile like an EXTREMELY COMPLICATED MODERN ART SCULPTURE.

ow,” wheezes the cudgel, whereas the elf git makes a rattling sound that isn't at all happy and Miss Sunshine just looks like she's totally checked out for a while, which is good because PEOPLE SHOULD NOT BEND THE WAY THEY ARE BENDING. You look at the hole they came out of, and at the blonde child standing proudly through it. She waves energetically, her branchlike, crystal-decorated wings shaking and jingling with her every motion.

“Hi!” she yells, grinning. “I see you've got a Remi! I'd like her back!”

“YOU FUCKING DARE TO ASSAULT MY MINIONS?” you bellow at her, nearly propelled off your feet by IRE ALONE.

She pantomimes finger guns blasting you away, and winks – it's a good thing you're zoomed in on her marking optimal targets for pounding or you might've missed it.“For Sis? You know it!”

“BULLSHIT YOU'RE SISTERS, THE HAIR'S ALL WRONG-”

I dye,” Remilia rasps, barely conscious.

“WELL THAT'S FUCKING STUPID BUT OKAY THAT AT LEAST ANSWERS THE HAIR QUESTION.” You make a beckoning gesture. “COME AND FUCKING GET HER, YOU SHIT.”

“Sure, sure!” Out jumps Blondie, steam immediately burning up from her skin, and as she merrily skips on over you can't help noticing how ALL the observing maid fairies are quickly backing up, with yours following a few moments later in sudden, self-preservation-fueled solidarity.

“SO I'M BETTING YOU'RE A VAMPIRE TOO, HUH?” you say, as she keeps on prancing closer without ever, for a moment, taking those catlike red eyes off you.

“Youuuuuu betcha!” She giggles, stopping a short distance away as she balances on one foot. “So whaddaya say you just pull Remi outta the ground and pass her on over, buckaroo?”
__________

[X] SHE TWISTS YOUR PEOPLE UP LIKE FLIMSY PANSY TOYS AND THEN HAS THE METAPHORICAL TESTICLES TO DEMAND YOU JUST GIVE UP YOUR LATEST ACQUISITION LIKE YOU'RE EMPEROR-DAMNED AFRAID OF HER? NOPE. WALK AWAY. DENY THIS BITCH A FIGHT AND SHE'S SURE TO BLOW HER TOP

[X] IT'S DANGEROUS, BUT YOU EAT DANGER, AND ALSO IT'S PROBABLY YOUR BEST SHOT HERE – SHIFT INTO MAXIMUM OVER-PAT AND STRIKE WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT BEFORE SHE CAN PARSE WHAT YOUR PLAN IS

[X] WELL AT LEAST SHE OPENED A DIALOGUE AND YOU CAN RESPECT A TINY BIT OF SHITTALKING BEFORE A FIGHT, SO SURE, GIVE REMILIA BACK – AS A FLAIL TO THE FACE, SEEING AS BEST CUDGEL'S OUT FOR THE COUNT RIGHT NOW
[X] IT'S DANGEROUS, BUT YOU EAT DANGER, AND ALSO IT'S PROBABLY YOUR BEST SHOT HERE – SHIFT INTO MAXIMUM OVER-PAT AND STRIKE WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT BEFORE SHE CAN PARSE WHAT YOUR PLAN IS

HIT HER WITH YOUR WORST
[X] IT'S DANGEROUS, BUT YOU EAT DANGER, AND ALSO IT'S PROBABLY YOUR BEST SHOT HERE – SHIFT INTO MAXIMUM OVER-PAT AND STRIKE WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT BEFORE SHE CAN PARSE WHAT YOUR PLAN IS
[X] PULL REMILIA OUT OF THE GROUND, FIRST, THOUGH, TO BETTER CATCH HER OFF GUARD

FUCK IF WE'RE STOPPING OUR PAT-BASED RAMPAGE NOW
[X] WELL AT LEAST SHE OPENED A DIALOGUE AND YOU CAN RESPECT A TINY BIT OF SHITTALKING BEFORE A FIGHT, SO SURE, GIVE REMILIA BACK – AS A FLAIL TO THE FACE, SEEING AS BEST CUDGEL'S OUT FOR THE COUNT RIGHT NOW
-[X] TO MAKE SURE YOU CATCH HER OFF GUARD, COMPLIMENT HER CRYSTAL WING THINGS. THEY ARE PRETTY ORIGINAL ALL THINGS CONSIDERING.

Eh. After Yuuka fucking Kazami is Flandre really that big of a deal?
[X] WELL AT LEAST SHE OPENED A DIALOGUE AND YOU CAN RESPECT A TINY BIT OF SHITTALKING BEFORE A FIGHT, SO SURE, GIVE REMILIA BACK – AS A FLAIL TO THE FACE, SEEING AS BEST CUDGEL'S OUT FOR THE COUNT RIGHT NOW

Flandre is effectively a bloodthirster
[X] HEY, WANNA' SEE SOMETHING COOL FIRST?
- [X] HEADPAT REMI.

IF THIS WORKS, THEY CAN BOND OVER REMI'S HILARIOUS FACES AND WE CAN SMOOTH TALK THE NEW VAMP IN TO JOINING THE GOD-EMPRAH'S ARMY.
[X] WELL AT LEAST SHE OPENED A DIALOGUE AND YOU CAN RESPECT A TINY BIT OF SHITTALKING BEFORE A FIGHT, SO SURE, GIVE REMILIA BACK – AS A FLAIL TO THE FACE, SEEING AS BEST CUDGEL'S OUT FOR THE COUNT RIGHT NOW
-[X] TO MAKE SURE YOU CATCH HER OFF GUARD, COMPLIMENT HER CRYSTAL WING THINGS. THEY ARE PRETTY ORIGINAL ALL THINGS CONSIDERING.
[X] IT'S DANGEROUS, BUT YOU EAT DANGER, AND ALSO IT'S PROBABLY YOUR BEST SHOT HERE – SHIFT INTO MAXIMUM OVER-PAT AND STRIKE WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT BEFORE SHE CAN PARSE WHAT YOUR PLAN IS
[X] SHE TWISTS YOUR PEOPLE UP LIKE FLIMSY PANSY TOYS AND THEN HAS THE METAPHORICAL TESTICLES TO DEMAND YOU JUST GIVE UP YOUR LATEST ACQUISITION LIKE YOU'RE EMPEROR-DAMNED AFRAID OF HER? NOPE. WALK AWAY. DENY THIS BITCH A FIGHT AND SHE'S SURE TO BLOW HER TOP
[X] IT'S DANGEROUS, BUT YOU EAT DANGER, AND ALSO IT'S PROBABLY YOUR BEST SHOT HERE – SHIFT INTO MAXIMUM OVER-PAT AND STRIKE WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT BEFORE SHE CAN PARSE WHAT YOUR PLAN IS

ALPHA STRIKE DEPLOYED
[X] IT'S DANGEROUS, BUT YOU EAT DANGER, AND ALSO IT'S PROBABLY YOUR BEST SHOT HERE – SHIFT INTO MAXIMUM OVER-PAT AND STRIKE WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT BEFORE SHE CAN PARSE WHAT YOUR PLAN IS

This might actually be a problem, pretty sure Doyou can't do shit if Flandre decides to go for the eye-crush thing.
I know this is the unpopular opinion, but I'm going to try a write-in.

[x] OH FUCK THE VAMPIRE HASN'T BURNED UP IN THE SUN
-[x] FLING REMI INTO HER SISTER WITH ALL YOUR MIGHT
--[x] RUN LIKE MAD AND HEADPAT BOTH OF THEM UNTIL THEY BOTH JOIN YOUR CAUSE
[X] WELL AT LEAST SHE OPENED A DIALOGUE AND YOU CAN RESPECT A TINY BIT OF SHITTALKING BEFORE A FIGHT, SO SURE, GIVE REMILIA BACK – AS A FLAIL TO THE FACE, SEEING AS BEST CUDGEL'S OUT FOR THE COUNT RIGHT NOW

Fun times ahead
[X] HEY, WANNA' SEE SOMETHING COOL FIRST?
- [X] HEADPAT REMI.
File 149007204512.png - (520.61KB, 1000x700, WELL SHE SURE LOOKS NICE AND FRIENDLY.png) [iqdb]
195235
You've already decided on what your next attack must be, but before that, you have a PRETTY GOOD IDEA. “HEY. HEY. WANNA SEE SOMETHING COOL FIRST?”

“...Okay!” says the girl, folding her hands behind her back and bobbing back and forth in an OBNOXIOUSLY JOLLY fashion. “But it better be something really cool!”

Flandre-” Remilia bites out, and then you lay upon her MAXIMUM HEADPAT. “HGUHRTTGHRGHHH

“IS THIS NOT THE RADDEST THING?” you ask of the blonde evidently called Flandre, as Remilia vibrates so hard you're amazed she hasn't drilled a hole through the planet.

Flandre nods amicably, eyes wide as she smiles down at the slowly tunneling Remilia. “I'll say!”

YES. NOW TO CLINCH IT. “SO WHADDAYA SAY TO-”

Flandre turns that smile on you. “I still want her back, though.”

SO CLOSE. You shrug, regardless. “OKAY OKAY SURE YOU SEEM PRETTY AGREEABLE. NICE WINGS, BY THE WAY. THAT'S PRETTY FUCKING SPECIAL.”

“I know, yeah?” Flandre says, all giggly at the compliment as she brings a hand up to cover her mouth, which leaves her vulnerable to-

HUTTAH, HEAD PAT!” Your POWER LUNGE terminates with your hand slamming into the top of her head, but unlike Remilia, Flandre's braced as such that she only sinks a tiny bit into the ground. Still, this does not stop you from giving her the MIGHTIEST POWER-PATTING POSSIBLE. “HAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-”

Flandre stares up at you, her grin unwavering, her eyes unblinking. “...Is this supposed to be doing something?”

You pause mid-ruffle, flummoxed. “...USUALLY WHEN I DO THIS MUTANTS ARE LEFT SO DISORIENTED THAT I'M AUTOMATICALLY IN CHARGE THENCEFORTH”

Flandre gently lays her hand on your chest. “Do you feel in charge?”

“I'M PATTING YOUR HEAD,” you point out, vaguely feeling like this is starting to get away from you and not liking that knowledge AT-FUCKING-ALL.

She tilts her head, innocently staring up at you. “And this... gives you power over me?”

“ACTUALLY MY POWER FIST GIVES ME POWER OVER YOU,” you say, fed up with her cheekiness, and twist her head a full three-hundred and sixty degrees around, because if you know VAMPIRES, this won't slay her utterly.

“Wow!” she says, looking vaguely cross-eyed but otherwise still TOTALLY ALIVE, as expected. “That's something else!”

“HAH, NOW YOU'RE GETTING IT.” You commence with more VIGOROUS PATTING on this broken-necked tiny baby child, and with her still disoriented from the aforementioned neck-snapping, it seems to be doing a MUCH BETTER job of causing her, too, to VIBRATE like the still twitching Remilia. “NOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE POWER I WIELD OVER YOU?”

Her head picks this point to violently untwist back to normal, with a large amount of krrrrrrrrrackling as she reverts back to MOSTLY UNBROKEN-NECKED status. “I think so! Let me give it a try!”

“WAIT WHAT-” Her hands shoot up to grasp your PATTING HAND by the wrist, and you manage a “DO NOT” before she twists it around like HALF A DOZEN TIMES, which leaves you with a HORRIBLY BROKEN WRIST. “FUCKING OW.

“Usually people scream more when I do that,” Flandre idly observes, applying an extra twist just to be a HUGE CUNT. “I mean, you're already screaming all the time, and I was totally planning on seeing just how much louder I could get you to yell while I broke everything, but now?” A THIRD TWIST, OW. “Now you're just so, so quiet, mister! Don't tell me the big bad soldier boy is already at a loss for words?”

THE TINY BITCH IS SNICKERING. HOW FUCKING DARE SHE.
__________

[X] YOU TRIED THE NICEISH WAY, WHICH IS ALREADY MORE THAT PEOPLE DESERVE FROM AN ANGRY MARINE – IT'S TIME TO JUST FUCKING END THIS TINY SHIT WITH ALL THE MIGHTY VIOLENCE YOU CAN BRING TO BEAR

[X] SHE WANTS YOU TO BE LOUD? YOU CAN DAMN WELL BE SO FUCKING LOUD THAT SHE WILL NEVER HEAR A SINGLE THING AGAIN AS LONG AS SHE UN-LIVES, WHICH IS NOT GOING TO BE LONG AT ALL IF YOU'VE GOT ANY CHOICE IN THE MATTER
[X] SHE WANTS YOU TO BE LOUD? YOU CAN DAMN WELL BE SO FUCKING LOUD THAT SHE WILL NEVER HEAR A SINGLE THING AGAIN AS LONG AS SHE UN-LIVES, WHICH IS NOT GOING TO BE LONG AT ALL IF YOU'VE GOT ANY CHOICE IN THE MATTER
[X] AND TWO CAN PLAY THIS TWISTY-BONE-BREAKING GAME. KEEP TWISTING HER NECK THE WHOLE TIME.

PACIFIST RUN MAY BE ABORT, BUT WE CAN STILL DO THE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE ROUTE.




AT LEAST I'M PRETTY SURE THIS COUNTS AS PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE FOR AN ANGRY MARINE
[X] SHE WANTS YOU TO BE LOUD? YOU CAN DAMN WELL BE SO FUCKING LOUD THAT SHE WILL NEVER HEAR A SINGLE THING AGAIN AS LONG AS SHE UN-LIVES, WHICH IS NOT GOING TO BE LONG AT ALL IF YOU'VE GOT ANY CHOICE IN THE MATTER

We might not be a Noise Marine, but what we lack in specialized equipment we make up for with fanatical zeal!
ALSO I'M NOTICING A TREND WITH EXTRA STAGE BOSSES BEING THE BIGGEST FUCKING CUNTS

WAS THAT INTENTIONAL, SOLDIER
[X] SHE WANTS YOU TO BE LOUD? YOU CAN DAMN WELL BE SO FUCKING LOUD THAT SHE WILL NEVER HEAR A SINGLE THING AGAIN AS LONG AS SHE UN-LIVES, WHICH IS NOT GOING TO BE LONG AT ALL IF YOU'VE GOT ANY CHOICE IN THE MATTER
[X] SHE WANTS YOU TO BE LOUD? YOU CAN DAMN WELL BE SO FUCKING LOUD THAT SHE WILL NEVER HEAR A SINGLE THING AGAIN AS LONG AS SHE UN-LIVES, WHICH IS NOT GOING TO BE LONG AT ALL IF YOU'VE GOT ANY CHOICE IN THE MATTER

#1 most amusing story on the site
[X] SHE WANTS YOU TO BE LOUD? YOU CAN DAMN WELL BE SO FUCKING LOUD THAT SHE WILL NEVER HEAR A SINGLE THING AGAIN AS LONG AS SHE UN-LIVES, WHICH IS NOT GOING TO BE LONG AT ALL IF YOU'VE GOT ANY CHOICE IN THE MATTER
[X] AND TWO CAN PLAY THIS TWISTY-BONE-BREAKING GAME. KEEP TWISTING HER NECK THE WHOLE TIME.
[X] SHE WANTS YOU TO BE LOUD? YOU CAN DAMN WELL BE SO FUCKING LOUD THAT SHE WILL NEVER HEAR A SINGLE THING AGAIN AS LONG AS SHE UN-LIVES, WHICH IS NOT GOING TO BE LONG AT ALL IF YOU'VE GOT ANY CHOICE IN THE MATTER
[X] AND TWO CAN PLAY THIS TWISTY-BONE-BREAKING GAME. KEEP TWISTING HER NECK THE WHOLE TIME.

Marine. Drop the Emperor's bass on this heretic.
[X] SHE WANTS YOU TO BE LOUD? YOU CAN DAMN WELL BE SO FUCKING LOUD THAT SHE WILL NEVER HEAR A SINGLE THING AGAIN AS LONG AS SHE UN-LIVES, WHICH IS NOT GOING TO BE LONG AT ALL IF YOU'VE GOT ANY CHOICE IN THE MATTER
[X] SHE WANTS YOU TO BE LOUD? YOU CAN DAMN WELL BE SO FUCKING LOUD THAT SHE WILL NEVER HEAR A SINGLE THING AGAIN AS LONG AS SHE UN-LIVES, WHICH IS NOT GOING TO BE LONG AT ALL IF YOU'VE GOT ANY CHOICE IN THE MATTER

POWER SHOUT WITH YOUR POWER VOCAL CORDS.
[X] SHE WANTS YOU TO BE LOUD? YOU CAN DAMN WELL BE SO FUCKING LOUD THAT SHE WILL NEVER HEAR A SINGLE THING AGAIN AS LONG AS SHE UN-LIVES, WHICH IS NOT GOING TO BE LONG AT ALL IF YOU'VE GOT ANY CHOICE IN THE MATTER
[X] AND TWO CAN PLAY THIS TWISTY-BONE-BREAKING GAME. KEEP TWISTING HER NECK THE WHOLE TIME.

FIRST KOISHI, NOW FLANDRE. ALL THESE EXTRA-BOSSES, WE MUST CATCH THEM ALL ON OUR ROAD TO BE THE CHAMPION!
[X] SHE WANTS YOU TO BE LOUD? YOU CAN DAMN WELL BE SO FUCKING LOUD THAT SHE WILL NEVER HEAR A SINGLE THING AGAIN AS LONG AS SHE UN-LIVES, WHICH IS NOT GOING TO BE LONG AT ALL IF YOU'VE GOT ANY CHOICE IN THE MATTER

ANY HERETIC THAT RESIST HEADPATS IS TO CARRY A HANDICAP.

we should totally hit up Myouren Temple after this so we can recruit Nue and have the Three Lunatic Girls. Unstoppable force? Very.
[X] YOU TRIED THE NICEISH WAY, WHICH IS ALREADY MORE THAT PEOPLE DESERVE FROM AN ANGRY MARINE – IT'S TIME TO JUST FUCKING END THIS TINY SHIT WITH ALL THE MIGHTY VIOLENCE YOU CAN BRING TO BEAR
[X] SHE WANTS YOU TO BE LOUD? YOU CAN DAMN WELL BE SO FUCKING LOUD THAT SHE WILL NEVER HEAR A SINGLE THING AGAIN AS LONG AS SHE UN-LIVES, WHICH IS NOT GOING TO BE LONG AT ALL IF YOU'VE GOT ANY CHOICE IN THE MATTER

>>195246
THIS MAN GETS IT.
[X] YOU TRIED THE NICEISH WAY, WHICH IS ALREADY MORE THAT PEOPLE DESERVE FROM AN ANGRY MARINE – IT'S TIME TO JUST FUCKING END THIS TINY SHIT WITH ALL THE MIGHTY VIOLENCE YOU CAN BRING TO BEAR
[X] SHE WANTS YOU TO BE LOUD? YOU CAN DAMN WELL BE SO FUCKING LOUD THAT SHE WILL NEVER HEAR A SINGLE THING AGAIN AS LONG AS SHE UN-LIVES, WHICH IS NOT GOING TO BE LONG AT ALL IF YOU'VE GOT ANY CHOICE IN THE MATTER

IF I POP YOUR EARDRUMS, WOULD YOU DIE?
[X] CONCENTRATE ON NON-VIOLENCE SO HARD THAT IT MANIFESTS AS AN OBJECT.
-[x] BEAT FLANDRE WITH IT

If the Big-E is with us, all things are made possible, just like how he helped us earlier. I won't forsake the non-violent approach till the bitter end.
DO I REALLY NEED TO SAY SHOUTING WON? WELL, SHOUTING WON. THERE YA GO. CALLED.

>>195238

EXTRA BOSSES TEND TO BE SHITTERS, YES, BUT NOT ALL OF THEM, FOR THAT IS UNIFORMLY BORING

>>195240

WELL

THANKS

>>195244

POWER WORD: KILL

>>195254

IT WOULD BE EXTREMELY PAINFUL

>>195259

YOU ARE INVENTIVE AND YOUR DEDICATION AND FAITH IN THE EMPEROR IS ADMIRABLE, BUT ALAS, THIS IS NOT WHAT SHALL HAPPEN THIS DAY
File 149015812864.png - (1.19MB, 833x960, SHE FUCKING ASKED FOR ALL OF THIS.png) [iqdb]
195264
“YOU WANT ME TO YELL, HUH?” You dip your head forward, glowering at her as she applies ANOTHER TWIST WHY. “FUCKING GUESS WHAT, YOU PRISSY LITTLE BRAT? YOU JUST FUCKING ASKED FOR IT!”

She does not flinch in the face of your mighty yell, but that's okay, because you haven't even amped your vox up yet. “I'm still not really impressed.”

She TWISTS AGAIN GODDAMN FUCKSHIT COCKFACE THAT IS THE WORST. In reply, you grab her head again with your other hand and TWIST as well, and as you TWIST and TWIST and TWIST and KEEP TWISTING with your mighty hatred for all that this little fuck has done re: your wrist's structural integrity, you pick NOW boost your vox. “I HAVE NOT EVEN BEGUN TO SHOUT, YOU TINY TWAT! YOU WANTED TO HEAR ME SCREAM? OH, I'LL SCREAM ALL FUCKING DAY FOR YOU, YOU DIMINUTIVE PIECE OF UNDEAD REFUSE! YOU HAVE NO MERIT TO YOUR EXISTENCE! YOU ARE A STAIN UPON A STAIN UPON A STAIN IN MY FUCKING TAINT! YOUR VERY EXISTENCE IS AN AFFRONT TO ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THE IMPERIUM, AND THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN ATONE FOR THIS IS TO FUCKING DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

You are faintly aware of fairies dropping out of the sky all around you, clutching their ears and screaming as parts of the mansion nearest you start to CRUMBLE from the HORRIFIC POWER of your SHOUTY ASSAULT. In fact pretty much everyone present is cringing or hollering in some fashion, even the MINION PRETZELS at your feet, who are so bent up that they really need a professional to extricate them. Flandre is leaning back with an expression of actual, honest to Emps dismay, which you will consider a win in any situation, even though it may or may not have more to do with the fact that her head's been twisted around so many times it really should be snapping off, but you're just going to assume your mighty yelling is doing RAD WORK instead.

And then you headbutt her for good measure, because you feel nothing but disgust towards this tiny shit. She goes DEEP into the ground from that, but you don't stop there, oh no – you get down on your hands and knees, continuing to SCREAM MIGHTILY, and the awful strength of your warcry is enough to PROPEL HER DEEPER INTO THE EARTH like a SHOUTING-FUELED TORPEDO.

You lose track of precisely how long your enraged, earth-rending shout goes on, but on it goes, and on, and on, and on, until you finally have to stop and gasp for breath, a seemingly endless hole beneath you marking Flandre's current grave. It's now that you rise to your knees, feeling about as dizzy and out-of-sorts as you would after the MIGHTIEST of benders.

“HOLY FUCK,” you say, hoarsely. “GODDAMN. I ALMOST DO NOT FEEL ANGRY ANY MORE AFTER GETTING ALL THAT OUT.”

There is no one able to reply to you, for you're pretty sure they're all groaning, crying, clutching their ears, or buried under mansion rubble, which there is a surprising amount of in a pretty fucking large radius all around you. Like, this is some SERIOUS property damage you've managed. Without anyone to pester you, you're free to try and fix your wrist as best you're able without PROPER AID from an Apothecary, but man, it's just KINDA FUCKED right now. “GODDAMMIT. OW. FUCK-”

A hand bursts out of the ground in front of you, clamps down on your foot, and pulls.

“SONUVAFUCK-” you holler as you're dragged bodily into the earth. Blackness envelops you as you're pulled into the depths of the planet, down and down and down and down, making a mighty DOYOU-SHAPED TUNNEL as you go, until you fall into a barren stone chamber, flopping down onto your back with a mighty impact. It's only now, finally, that you see Flandre standing over you, hand clamped down on your huge boot hard enough to sink into the ceramite as though it was a sponge.

Welcome to the basement,” she growls, her voice distorted as she tries to unfuck her neck and finds no luck, leaving her head bent facing sideways instead of looking at you straight on. Blood pours from her ears, her eyes are rolling about in entirely separate directions, and blood oozes out of her mouth as she snarls at you. “Admission price is your immortal soul. I'm going to collect.

You set off your POWER BOOT, and the jolt sends the bitch flying. She lands on all fours, digging through the stone floor like water until she comes to a stop. Her snarl is a rabid one when she looks up, but you aren't intimidated in the least, already flipping her off as you prop yourself up on your elbows. “THE EMPEROR PROTECTS ME, YOU PINT-SIZED PRICK.”

“Really?” She reaches up, grasps her head, and twists some more, bone crackling as she unscrews herself by a single revolution. Now she's left staring just to your right. “Oh, boy, I've always wanted to kill me one of those. Let's go meet him together.”

“YOU BLASPHEMOUS LITTLE WRETCH,” you say as she stands up straight. “THE ONLY MEETING I'M GOING TO ARRANGE IS BETWEEN YOUR HEAD AND YOUR ASS. YOU'RE GONNA BEND, HERETIC.”

Flandre holds out a hand, and manifests a bendy wandy spadey bullshit magical girl thing from somewhere you're not going to think about, before she starts tapping it against her skull. “Hah. Heh. Hahhhh... Oh, come on, come on, show me!”

You're up on your feet a moment later, broken fist held at your side. “STOP FUCKING GIGGLING, FUCK'S SAKE.”

“I said SHOW ME!” Flandre howls, and that wand of hers is suddenly crackling with ALL SORTS of CORRUPTY CHAOS SHIT, OH FUCK.
__________

[X] MOBILITY AND EVASIVE MANEUVERS ARE THE KEY HERE BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT THAT SHIT TOUCHING YOU, YEAH? YEAH. YOUR LEGS STILL WORK FINE. AND IF YOU CAN GET THE TIMING RIGHT, YOU BET IT'D ONLY TAKE ONE GOOD KICK TO SEND HER HEAD FLYING THROUGH THE METAPHORICAL GOALPOSTS

[X] THE EMPEROR PROTECTS, AND RIGHT NOW YOU'RE IN NEED OF SOME SERIOUS FUCKING PROTECTION. YOU STILL HAVE ONE FIST, A SHITLOAD OF SPITE, AND A HERETIC TO SLAY – THAT'S ALL YOU NEED FOR THIS LAST MIGHTY CHARGE, MARINE, SO MAKE IT FUCKING COUNT
[X] MOBILITY AND EVASIVE MANEUVERS ARE THE KEY HERE BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT THAT SHIT TOUCHING YOU, YEAH? YEAH. YOUR LEGS STILL WORK FINE. AND IF YOU CAN GET THE TIMING RIGHT, YOU BET IT'D ONLY TAKE ONE GOOD KICK TO SEND HER HEAD FLYING THROUGH THE METAPHORICAL GOALPOSTS
[X] HEY, MAYBE YOU CAN SUMMON YOURSELF A BULLSHIT WEAPON TOO. AND THAT OF COURSE MEANS BREAKING SHIT UNTIL SHITRIPPER FALLS DOWN WITH YOU

Now, I know what you're thinking. How exactly is Shitripper going to manage to fall through the earth and to us?

FUCK YOU THAT'S HOW ANGER KNOWS NO LIMITS
>>195265
[X] MOBILITY AND EVASIVE MANEUVERS ARE THE KEY HERE BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT THAT SHIT TOUCHING YOU, YEAH? YEAH. YOUR LEGS STILL WORK FINE. AND IF YOU CAN GET THE TIMING RIGHT, YOU BET IT'D ONLY TAKE ONE GOOD KICK TO SEND HER HEAD FLYING THROUGH THE METAPHORICAL GOALPOSTS
[X] HEY, MAYBE YOU CAN SUMMON YOURSELF A BULLSHIT WEAPON TOO. AND THAT OF COURSE MEANS BREAKING SHIT UNTIL SHITRIPPER FALLS DOWN WITH YOU

How about DUAL WIELDING Shitripper and Best Cudgel?
>>195266
>>195267
Bloody hell, twice now I've had botched double post shit. I'm cursed
[X] MOBILITY AND EVASIVE MANEUVERS ARE THE KEY HERE BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT THAT SHIT TOUCHING YOU, YEAH? YEAH. YOUR LEGS STILL WORK FINE. AND IF YOU CAN GET THE TIMING RIGHT, YOU BET IT'D ONLY TAKE ONE GOOD KICK TO SEND HER HEAD FLYING THROUGH THE METAPHORICAL GOALPOSTS
-[X] HEY, MAYBE YOU CAN SUMMON YOURSELF A BULLSHIT WEAPON TOO. AND THAT OF COURSE MEANS BREAKING SHIT UNTIL SHITRIPPER FALLS DOWN WITH YOU

Emperor, let anger see this day through.
[X] MOBILITY AND EVASIVE MANEUVERS ARE THE KEY HERE BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT THAT SHIT TOUCHING YOU, YEAH? YEAH. YOUR LEGS STILL WORK FINE. AND IF YOU CAN GET THE TIMING RIGHT, YOU BET IT'D ONLY TAKE ONE GOOD KICK TO SEND HER HEAD FLYING THROUGH THE METAPHORICAL GOALPOSTS
[X] HEY, MAYBE YOU CAN SUMMON YOURSELF A BULLSHIT WEAPON TOO. AND THAT OF COURSE MEANS BREAKING SHIT UNTIL SHITRIPPER FALLS DOWN WITH YOU
[X] MOBILITY AND EVASIVE MANEUVERS ARE THE KEY HERE BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT THAT SHIT TOUCHING YOU, YEAH? YEAH. YOUR LEGS STILL WORK FINE. AND IF YOU CAN GET THE TIMING RIGHT, YOU BET IT'D ONLY TAKE ONE GOOD KICK TO SEND HER HEAD FLYING THROUGH THE METAPHORICAL GOALPOSTS

REMEMBER THE LAST TIME WHEN WE TOOK ON SOMEONE THAT WASN'T A COMPLETE BITCH?
WE GOT KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT WHEN WE TRIED TO GO IN AND GO IN AND GO IN LIKE A RETARD. GRANTED, IT WAS RAD AS FUCK, BUT LET'S LEARN FROM OUR MISTAKES.
SO LET'S NOT DO THAT THIS TIME.
[X] MOBILITY AND EVASIVE MANEUVERS ARE THE KEY HERE BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT THAT SHIT TOUCHING YOU, YEAH? YEAH. YOUR LEGS STILL WORK FINE. AND IF YOU CAN GET THE TIMING RIGHT, YOU BET IT'D ONLY TAKE ONE GOOD KICK TO SEND HER HEAD FLYING THROUGH THE METAPHORICAL GOALPOSTS
[X] MOBILITY AND EVASIVE MANEUVERS ARE THE KEY HERE BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT THAT SHIT TOUCHING YOU, YEAH? YEAH. YOUR LEGS STILL WORK FINE. AND IF YOU CAN GET THE TIMING RIGHT, YOU BET IT'D ONLY TAKE ONE GOOD KICK TO SEND HER HEAD FLYING THROUGH THE METAPHORICAL GOALPOSTS

I DON'T WANT ANOTHER VISIT TO THE EMPEROR BECAUSE WE DIDN'T FUCKING DODGE
[X] MOBILITY AND EVASIVE MANEUVERS ARE THE KEY HERE BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT THAT SHIT TOUCHING YOU, YEAH? YEAH. YOUR LEGS STILL WORK FINE. AND IF YOU CAN GET THE TIMING RIGHT, YOU BET IT'D ONLY TAKE ONE GOOD KICK TO SEND HER HEAD FLYING THROUGH THE METAPHORICAL GOALPOSTS
[X] MOBILITY AND EVASIVE MANEUVERS ARE THE KEY HERE BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT THAT SHIT TOUCHING YOU, YEAH? YEAH. YOUR LEGS STILL WORK FINE. AND IF YOU CAN GET THE TIMING RIGHT, YOU BET IT'D ONLY TAKE ONE GOOD KICK TO SEND HER HEAD FLYING THROUGH THE METAPHORICAL GOALPOSTS
[X] MOBILITY AND EVASIVE MANEUVERS ARE THE KEY HERE BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT THAT SHIT TOUCHING YOU, YEAH? YEAH. YOUR LEGS STILL WORK FINE. AND IF YOU CAN GET THE TIMING RIGHT, YOU BET IT'D ONLY TAKE ONE GOOD KICK TO SEND HER HEAD FLYING THROUGH THE METAPHORICAL GOALPOSTS
[X] HEY, MAYBE YOU CAN SUMMON YOURSELF A BULLSHIT WEAPON TOO. AND THAT OF COURSE MEANS BREAKING SHIT UNTIL SHITRIPPER FALLS DOWN WITH YOU
[X] MOBILITY AND EVASIVE MANEUVERS ARE THE KEY HERE BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT THAT SHIT TOUCHING YOU, YEAH? YEAH. YOUR LEGS STILL WORK FINE. AND IF YOU CAN GET THE TIMING RIGHT, YOU BET IT'D ONLY TAKE ONE GOOD KICK TO SEND HER HEAD FLYING THROUGH THE METAPHORICAL GOALPOSTS
[X] HEY, MAYBE YOU CAN SUMMON YOURSELF A BULLSHIT WEAPON TOO. AND THAT OF COURSE MEANS BREAKING SHIT UNTIL SHITRIPPER FALLS DOWN WITH YOU
[X] MOBILITY AND EVASIVE MANEUVERS ARE THE KEY HERE BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT THAT SHIT TOUCHING YOU, YEAH? YEAH. YOUR LEGS STILL WORK FINE. AND IF YOU CAN GET THE TIMING RIGHT, YOU BET IT'D ONLY TAKE ONE GOOD KICK TO SEND HER HEAD FLYING THROUGH THE METAPHORICAL GOALPOSTS
[X] HEY, MAYBE YOU CAN SUMMON YOURSELF A BULLSHIT WEAPON TOO. AND THAT OF COURSE MEANS BREAKING SHIT UNTIL SHITRIPPER FALLS DOWN WITH YOU

SHE WENT FULL DAEMON ON US. I SUPPOSE IT IS THE ONLY SAVING GRACE OF "SCARLET DEVIL MANSION".
File 149024519151.png - (637.51KB, 835x1056, WHAT A HAPPY FUCKING PSYCHOPATH.png) [iqdb]
195310
“OH YEAH SURE OKAY FINE I'LL JUST WALTZ RIGHT INTO YOUR MAGIC WAND AND LET YOU WHAP ME WITH IT, THIS SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD USE OF MY TIME!” You execute a MIGHTY LEAP to the side, avoiding Flandre's RIDICULOUSLY SWIFT lunge that just about grazed you – bitch can put on SPEED, evidently!

“They always run!” Flandre screams, skidding across the stone floor a ways before whirling about. “I thought you'd be different!”

“FUCK YOU, I'M TOTALLY DIFFERENT FROM WHATEVER BITCH-ASS PANSIES YOU'VE KILLED BEFORE!” you declare, landing, rolling, springing away ONCE AGAIN from another of Flandre's TURBO-FAST lunges.

“I gotta open you up before I can be sure!” Flandre shrieks, and as you soar away from another attempt on your life, you find yourself thanking the EMPEROR for whatever he did to make your legs all springy like this (you're assuming the BIG GUY UPSTAIRS did something, at least – that's the best explanation you got for why you suddenly have sproingy legs after getting knocked the fuck out, unless being KO'D supercharges you, which is RAD in a DIFFERENT WAY).

“YOU ARE JUST ALL KINDS OF FUCKING PSYCHO, AINT'CHA?” As you sling commentary at Flandre, you're thinking hard – you can't just fuck around dodging all the time or she'll probably grab and kill you in a horrible fucking fashion, so you're looking around the basement for anything you can lob at her as a distraction-slash-weapon. What you have is this: a flat stone gray chamber, a door outta here that you'd have to get past Flandre to reach, pillars around you at reasonable intervals that are presumably load-bearing, and absolutely nothing you can beat Flandre with, IF YOU'RE A PLEB WITH NO FUCKING IMAGINATION.

So, when you land THIS time, you're already spinning about, leg outstretched, and you're treated to the sight of Flandre pouncing towards you, wand hauled back to give you a severely deadly beating – and then your POWER BOOT collides with the pillar and DETONATES, sending the thing's midsection FLYING. Flandre veers aside to avoid being turned into BITCH PASTE, and is instead merely clipped by it, which sends her screeching into the ground and bouncing across the floor, through another pillar, and into a wall.

“ROUND TWO!” you holler, already storming towards the vamp's point of impact because you know for a goddamn FACT she ain't done that easily. Indeed, Flandre's just about pulling herself out of the hole she made in the wall when you jump, twist, KICK another pillar, sending it flying at the blonde – AND IT HITS, ramming her right back into the hole with a crash and a SPLAT. Your charge doesn't stop there as you land, keep going, leap AGAIN – KICK, and more flying masonry slams into the hole in the wall, ramming the bitch squished behind them deeper inside.

You make your three point landing, take a moment to observe your handiwork, and then spring to your feet, arms outstretched overhead. “AND HE MAKES THE HAT TRICK, BY THE EMPEROR! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-” You dive aside to avoid your own pillar-projectiles flying out of the hole, revealing a Flandre who is SOAKED in her own blood. “-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I HAD TO FINISH MY YELL OF TRIUMPH BEFORE I COULD COMMENCE WITH MY YELL OF BULLSHIT, YOU SHOULD BE A JELLY AT THIS POINT.

Flandre's swaying on her feet, her eyes squeezed shut, both hands clenched around her wand, and her head bent at an angle that is REALLY JUST IMPRACTICAL for head to head fighting. She lurches towards you, teeth bared in a bloody grin despite her hideous damage, and- FUCK'S SAKE, THREE MORE FLANDRES just kind of TEAR OUT OF HER.

“I GET ALL THE GODDAMNED FREAKS,” you grumble, taking this moment to grab your BROKEN WRIST and give it some GOOD AND PROPER twisting back into place, even as the bloody quartet marches on you. “FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK-”

Why don't you let me handle that for you?” say the Flandres all in sync, which isn't fucking creepy at all, no sir.

“WHY DON'T YOU FUCKING YELL 'FOR CHAOS' IN A FORTRESS OF REDEMPTION INSTEAD, YOU CLOTPILE?” you say, giving your MOSTLY KIND OF UNFUCKED HAND a good few shakes to get used to the pain.

I don't know what that is!” they say, splitting off from each other as they slowly attempt to circle around you. Of note, only the original is willingly blinded – the rest are glowering at you with pretty clear intent to murder in their eyes. You back up, not out of any desire to flee, but instead just to prevent them from surrounding you JUST yet.

It's when you're near the hole you fell through to get here that SCREAMING from ABOVE is suddenly a THING, and you look up– “FUCK YEAH, MY SHIT-RIPPER!” You jump, catch it, and land with your IMPROVISED SUPER-SCYTHE ready for murderin'. “HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET DOWN HERE?”

“I got thro-ho-ho-hooooooown...” sobs the GIRL COMPONENT to your weapon.

“AWESOME.” You give her a few twirls to get reacquainted, glancing about as the Flandres encircle you properly. “YOU'RE HERE JUST IN TIME FOR THE PARTY. NOW LET'S RIP SOME SHIT.”
__________

[X] HOLD THE GODDAMN LINE YOU FUCK. YOU CAN DEFEND AGAINST ANY ASSAULT, AND THESE FUCKS ARE GONNA GET WRECKED TRYING TO WASTE YOU, THIS YOU KNOW

[X] YOU ARE ARMED AND READY TO MAIM, MURDER, SLAY, AND OTHERWISE ERADICATE, SO IT IS TIME TO MAKE WAR
[X] YOU ARE ARMED AND READY TO MAIM, MURDER, SLAY, AND OTHERWISE ERADICATE, SO IT IS TIME TO MAKE WAR

WE ARE THE TIP OF THE SPEAR, THE HEAD OF THE HAMMER! WE ARE A MOTHERFUCKING ANGRY MARINE AND WE WILL SHOW THIS CHAOS BITCH THE ERROR OF HER FUCKING WAYS! THE EMPEROR PROTECTS!
[X] HOLD THE GODDAMN LINE YOU FUCK. YOU CAN DEFEND AGAINST ANY ASSAULT, AND THESE FUCKS ARE GONNA GET WRECKED TRYING TO WASTE YOU, THIS YOU KNOW

Boy you really love cutting it close when it comes to posting an update.
[X] YOU ARE ARMED AND READY TO MAIM, MURDER, SLAY, AND OTHERWISE ERADICATE, SO IT IS TIME TO MAKE WAR
[X] THEY CAN'T SURROUND YOU IF YOU SPIN A FUCKLOAD

SPINNING TO WINNING
[X] YOU ARE ARMED AND READY TO MAIM, MURDER, SLAY, AND OTHERWISE ERADICATE, SO IT IS TIME TO MAKE WAR
[X] HOLD THE GODDAMN LINE YOU FUCK. YOU CAN DEFEND AGAINST ANY ASSAULT, AND THESE FUCKS ARE GONNA GET WRECKED TRYING TO WASTE YOU, THIS YOU KNOW

A basic tactic when outnumbered against weaker,but faster, enemies.

I mean, PURGE THE HERETIC(S)
[X] HOLD THE GODDAMN LINE YOU FUCK. YOU CAN DEFEND AGAINST ANY ASSAULT, AND THESE FUCKS ARE GONNA GET WRECKED TRYING TO WASTE YOU, THIS YOU KNOW
[X] HOLD THE GODDAMN LINE YOU FUCK. YOU CAN DEFEND AGAINST ANY ASSAULT, AND THESE FUCKS ARE GONNA GET WRECKED TRYING TO WASTE YOU, THIS YOU KNOW
[X] HOLD THE GODDAMN LINE YOU FUCK. YOU CAN DEFEND AGAINST ANY ASSAULT, AND THESE FUCKS ARE GONNA GET WRECKED TRYING TO WASTE YOU, THIS YOU KNOW.
[X] HOLD THE GODDAMN LINE YOU FUCK. YOU CAN DEFEND AGAINST ANY ASSAULT, AND THESE FUCKS ARE GONNA GET WRECKED TRYING TO WASTE YOU, THIS YOU KNOW

THE IMPERIAL GUARD MUST BE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT, CAUSE THIS IS WHAT THEY DO 50% OF THE TIME.
[X] HOLD THE GODDAMN LINE YOU FUCK. YOU CAN DEFEND AGAINST ANY ASSAULT, AND THESE FUCKS ARE GONNA GET WRECKED TRYING TO WASTE YOU, THIS YOU KNOW

[X] YOU ARE ARMED AND READY TO MAIM, MURDER, SLAY, AND OTHERWISE ERADICATE, SO IT IS TIME TO MAKE WAR

-[X] THESE ARE BASICALLY THE SAME GODDAMN THING
>>195337
Difference is in EXECUTION. And by that I mean if we let Doyou execute her or let Flandre execute herself on Shitripper.

[X] YOU ARE ARMED AND READY TO MAIM, MURDER, SLAY, AND OTHERWISE ERADICATE, SO IT IS TIME TO MAKE WAR

NOW IS THE TIME TO GO ON OFFENSIVE! THATS WHAT ANGRY MARINES WERE MADE FOR!
[X] YOU ARE ARMED AND READY TO MAIM, MURDER, SLAY, AND OTHERWISE ERADICATE, SO IT IS TIME TO MAKE WAR

YOU HAVE A WEAPON WITH A REASONABLY LONG REACH AND YOU ARE SURROUNDED.WHAT IS THE MOST REASONABLE COURSE OF ACTION?
SPIN TO FUCKING WIN MOTHERFUCKER! LETS BECOME WHIRLWIND OF SHIT-RIPPING DESTRUCTION AND SHOW THOSE LITTLE BITCHES HOW IT FEELS TO BE THROWN INTO A BLENDER!
File 149033149635.jpg - (275.02KB, 1316x710, A SCYTHE OUGHTA FLIP THAT SMIRK.jpg) [iqdb]
195347
“ALL RIGHT, BITCHES,” you say, settling into a ready stance. “GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT. IT'S NOT GONNA BE GOOD ENOUGH, I PROMISE YOU.”

“Let's find out!”

“I JUST SAID IT AIN'T GONNA BE ENOOHSHIT” and you're dealing with the lead Flandre's lunging strike, catching it with the blade of your scythe and jerking it aside – your weapon holds steady, even with CHAOS SHIT leaking onto it from that wand the vamp's toting and also the HUGE STRENGTH she's putting behind it, but your strength is HUGER STILL.

And then the other three leap at you while you're occupied.

You have NOT LONG AT ALL to react, but you do, responding with the ancient strategy known solely as “SPIN TO WIN, MOTHERFUCKERS!” You, indeed, spin to win, whirling about in a fantastically quick revolution, dragging the original Flandre hollering along for the ride since her wand was hooked onto the scythe. The first Flandre gets bisected sideways at the torso, sliding apart in two halves and flying past you as she disintegrates into CHAOS BULLSHIT. The second Flandre gets the blade through her thick skull, ripping her head clean off as you keep spinning to meet the THIRD Flandre-

Who just slugged you in the face.

Your cheek plating deforms beneath her fist, and then you're ROCKETING sideways, head over heels over head over heels over FUCK, that was a PILLAR you just went through, and GODDAMMIT SHIT-RIPPER GOES FLYING TOO, FUCK YOUR BROKEN-WRISTED GRIP, AND THAT'S A WALL YOU JUST SLAMMED INTO, AND ALSO THROUGH, OW.

“FUCK,” you say, as you hit another wall and STICK TO IT. You're in a hallway now, very dimly lit by the occasional lantern, and the whole place is just STONE. STONE EVERYWHERE. It's very austere, which is fine in its own way, but more importantly right now you've got TWO FLANDRES still coming for you, so you peel yourself off the wall and land on your knees. “FUCK AGAIN,” you say, because it's about the most fitting word you've got for all of this as you rise up.

“Two out of four ain't bad!” say the two vampires, the original having passed her wand off to the copy in favor of-

“HOW FUCKING DARE YOU STEAL MY SHIT-RIPPER,” you say, while the GIRL PART of your improvised weapon gibbers in terror in Flandre the First's grip.

“You're welcome to come and get her!” say the duo, holding their ground inside. The original waves a hand mockingly at you, resting your weapon against her shoulder.

“FUCKERS.” You work your knuckles over as you stomp inside, because there's no way in FUCK you're pussying out now. “MY MISTAKE HERE WAS LETTING FOUR SPEEDY BITCHES WHO WERE TOTALLY IN SYNC WITH EACH OTHER HAVE THE CHANCE TO PICK THEIR ATTACK RUNS AND TEAM UP TO FUCK WITH ME, BUT I'M NOT LETTING THAT HAPPEN AGAIN, FUCK YOU VERY MUCH.”

“Oh, we'll see about that, won't we?”

“SHUT UP, FUCKCUNTS.”
__________

[X] YOU'RE ANGRY, YOU'RE RAGING, AND YOU'RE BREAKING THROUGH THE PAIN TO DELIVER AN ASSAULT THE LIKES OF WHICH THESE TWO NERDS HAVE NEVER HAD THE HONOR OF FACING AT ANY POINT IN THEIR HIDEOUS LIVES

[X] DOWN TO TWO, THEY'VE GOTTA COME TO YOU, AND THIS TIME YOU'RE FUCKING READY FOR BOTH OF THEM – AND THEY AIN'T FLANKING YOU THIS TIME, THAT'S FOR GODDAMN SURE

You SURVIVED through the power of SPIN TO WIN being a rad sub-vote, or else we'd be having a chat with the BIG E right now.
[X] DOWN TO TWO, THEY'VE GOTTA COME TO YOU, AND THIS TIME YOU'RE FUCKING READY FOR BOTH OF THEM – AND THEY AIN'T FLANKING YOU THIS TIME, THAT'S FOR GODDAMN SURE
- [X] CUDGEL GET THE FUCK DOWN HERE

FINAL STAND, FUCKERS
[X] YOU'RE ANGRY, YOU'RE RAGING, AND YOU'RE BREAKING THROUGH THE PAIN TO DELIVER AN ASSAULT THE LIKES OF WHICH THESE TWO NERDS HAVE NEVER HAD THE HONOR OF FACING AT ANY POINT IN THEIR HIDEOUS LIVES

YOU FUCKING SEE? LEAVE THE DEFENSE BULLSHIT TO THE GUARDSMEN, THAT'S NOT OUR JOB GOD-EMPEROR-DAMMIT!
[X] DOWN TO TWO, THEY'VE GOTTA COME TO YOU, AND THIS TIME YOU'RE FUCKING READY FOR BOTH OF THEM – AND THEY AIN'T FLANKING YOU THIS TIME, THAT'S FOR GODDAMN SURE
- [X] CUDGEL GET THE FUCK DOWN HERE
[X] YOU'RE ANGRY, YOU'RE RAGING, AND YOU'RE BREAKING THROUGH THE PAIN TO DELIVER AN ASSAULT THE LIKES OF WHICH THESE TWO NERDS HAVE NEVER HAD THE HONOR OF FACING AT ANY POINT IN THEIR HIDEOUS LIVES
[X] DOWN TO TWO, THEY'VE GOTTA COME TO YOU, AND THIS TIME YOU'RE FUCKING READY FOR BOTH OF THEM – AND THEY AIN'T FLANKING YOU THIS TIME, THAT'S FOR GODDAMN SURE
[X] YOU'RE ANGRY, YOU'RE RAGING, AND YOU'RE BREAKING THROUGH THE PAIN TO DELIVER AN ASSAULT THE LIKES OF WHICH THESE TWO NERDS HAVE NEVER HAD THE HONOR OF FACING AT ANY POINT IN THEIR HIDEOUS LIVES.

Come on, guys, the writefag has told us that TURTLING LIKE A HUMONGOUS PUSSY FAGGOT would've got us killed if not for the write-in. Let's not make the same mistake twice.
[X] YOU'RE ANGRY, YOU'RE RAGING, AND YOU'RE BREAKING THROUGH THE PAIN TO DELIVER AN ASSAULT THE LIKES OF WHICH THESE TWO NERDS HAVE NEVER HAD THE HONOR OF FACING AT ANY POINT IN THEIR HIDEOUS LIVES
[X] YOU'RE ANGRY, YOU'RE RAGING, AND YOU'RE BREAKING THROUGH THE PAIN TO DELIVER AN ASSAULT THE LIKES OF WHICH THESE TWO NERDS HAVE NEVER HAD THE HONOR OF FACING AT ANY POINT IN THEIR HIDEOUS LIVES
[X] YOU'RE ANGRY, YOU'RE RAGING, AND YOU'RE BREAKING THROUGH THE PAIN TO DELIVER AN ASSAULT THE LIKES OF WHICH THESE TWO NERDS HAVE NEVER HAD THE HONOR OF FACING AT ANY POINT IN THEIR HIDEOUS LIVES.
-[X] CUDGEL GET THE FUCK DOWN HERE
[X] YOU'RE ANGRY, YOU'RE RAGING, AND YOU'RE BREAKING THROUGH THE PAIN TO DELIVER AN ASSAULT THE LIKES OF WHICH THESE TWO NERDS HAVE NEVER HAD THE HONOR OF FACING AT ANY POINT IN THEIR HIDEOUS LIVES.
-[X] CUDGEL GET THE FUCK DOWN HERE

THEIR MISTAKE WAS THINKING WE ONLY HAD ONE BULLSHOT WEAPON.
>>195348
>>195350
>>195360
>>195361

CUDGEL HAS ALREADY BEEN TWISTED INTO A PRETZEL YOU FUCKING MORONS.
>>195363
WE CAN UNPRETZEL HER
WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY
[X] YOU'RE ANGRY, YOU'RE RAGING, AND YOU'RE BREAKING THROUGH THE PAIN TO DELIVER AN ASSAULT THE LIKES OF WHICH THESE TWO NERDS HAVE NEVER HAD THE HONOR OF FACING AT ANY POINT IN THEIR HIDEOUS LIVES

NO BROKEN WEAPON YOU DUMB FUCKS
File 14904179925.jpg - (19.49KB, 480x360, FUCK'S SAKE.jpg) [iqdb]
195393
OKAY, I'M CALLING BULLSHIT, MY COMPUTER SHUT DOWN WHILE I HAD MY FINISHED UPDATE ABOUT TO POST AND NOW SHIT'S ALL LOST AGAIN. I HAD THIS UPDATE READY ON TIME, GODDAMMIT, AND I'M NOT CALLING IT QUITS BECAUSE OF A FUCKING TECHNICAL ERROR.

GIMME A BIT AND I'LL GIVE YOU FOLKS YOUR UPDATE. FUCK.
File 149042105284.jpg - (97.46KB, 917x643, IT'S TIME TO PUT AN END TO THIS BITCH.jpg) [iqdb]
195396
You've got two bitches who outrange you and possess super-powerful CHAOS SHIT and A SHIT-RIPPER. One of your hands is broken. You are EXCEPTIONALLY ANGRY.

“AWRIGHT, LET'S FUCKING DO THIS!” you roar, charging ahead, fists and boots both CRACKLING with POWER.

The Flandres take off to each side of you, trying to flank like the SHIFTY BITCHES they be, but you're not going to fall for that SURROUND AND OVERWHELM bullshit twice, which is why you chase after the WAND-BEARING COPY before you deal with the original. Your mighty legs propel you onward at a speed that is truly ridiculous, even for a Space Marine, something the copy Flandre evidently agrees with as she spins about mid-flight and cackles at you gaining on her.

“C'mon and try me!” she calls out, and then you LEAP, fist outstretched, and she swings at you with that BENDY WAND – and you CATCH IT as you collide with her, the ceramite of your POWER FIST warping and deforming and crackling with CHAOS BULLSHIT, but you refuse to let go and allow this bitch the chance to WHAP YOU PROPERLY with it.

“BITCH STATUS: TRIED AND FOUND GUILTY!” you snarl, bouncing along the floor until the two of you skid to a stop, you atop the grinning clone.

“Are you really sure about that?” she asks, PSYCHOTICALLY JOLLY about all of this.

“FUCKING OF COURSE I AM, YOU TINY RETARD!” Even as you yell, you can hear the original Flandre tearing through the air, almost totally silent – save for the breathless screaming of Elly, which CLUES YOU IN RIGHT GOOD. That's why you suddenly push yourself UP, carrying this copy along with you, and FLAIL THE BITCH as you spin to face the incoming vampire. “DID YOU THINK I'D LET YOU FLANK ME TWICE!?

You complete your spin just in time for the SHIT-RIPPER to tear through the FLAIL-DRE you wielded, deflected JUST enough of the blow that you don't get a skull full of scythe before Flandre the original fuckin' HEADBUTTS YOU, FUCK, WHY does EVERY SINGLE BLOW you take send you FLYING in this fucking place? Regardless, you're flying and bouncing and rolling along, Flandre on top of you and flailing away, and you're punching back, and FUCKING OW HITTING HER WITH YOUR BROKEN HAND JUST MAKES YOU ANGRIER, so you INTENTIONALLY KEEP DOING IT, and SHIT-RIPPER GOES FLYING after you bat it from Flandre's grip-

And that's about when you slam headfirst into a wall and come to a sudden stop. Flandre is launched off your chest, krrrracks her skull against the wall, bounces off, and lands right back on top of you. You can see brain, which just makes her grin ALL THE MORE SURREAL.

“Ooh, I'm not done yet!” she says, staring directly at your right pauldron thanks to her BROKEN FUCKING NECK, her smile growing WIDER and WIDER and literally starting to SPLIT HER FACE APART, HOLY FUCK. You try to grab her and deliver a proper mauling, but you catch a good chunk of air over her head instead, because this latest HEAD TRAUMA has left you majorly dizzy.

“OF COURSE YOU'RE NOT FUCKING DONE, YOU CUNT,” you snarl, having an exceptionally difficult time of even just TOUCHING this little bitch. “YOU THINK A LITTLE FUCKING HEAD WOUND'S GONNA KILL ME?”

“Nope! But now? You can just-” Her hand slams into your chest, fingers spreading out, and she leans in, those red eyes wider than should really be possible, her split-faced grin dripping blood all over you. “Die.”

Her hand starts to clench-

You feel yourself about to slide apart, what the fuck-

And then you hock up a gob of acid STRAIGHT ONTO HER FACE. “NO YOU”

THAT stymies the bitch, her grip slackening as her face starts fucking MELTING TO THE BONE, and then you can't even see how your acid's doing because you just clamped your BROKEN HAND around her ENTIRE FUCKING HEAD.

“OKAY, SO,” you say, SQUEEZING and SQUEEZING with no regard for the pain as Flandre flails, her screeching muffled, “YOU MAY THINK THAT BENDING SOMEONE THE WAY I'M ABOUT TO BEND YOU IS PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE, RIGHT? BUT LET ME FILL YOU IN ON A LITTLE SECRET.”

You sit up, the better to get a grip on her legs with your other hand, and PULL her head down at the same time you YANK her legs up, folding the tiny twat in half.

“THE TRICK IS TO FREE YOUR BODY OF ALL PHYSICAL LIMITATIONS, LIKE BONES,” you say, continuing to bend and bend and bend Flandre, taking PLENTY of glee in how her skeleton splinters and crackles. “AS YOU CAN SEE FOR YOURSELF, IT IS SOMETHING THAT TAKES A VERY LONG TIME TO DO.”

“augh,” groans Flandre, and then you put ALL YOUR MIGHT behind one last MIGHTY WRENCHING to make her LITERALLY KISS HER OWN ASS. “mghrhf”

You rise up to your feet, lifting Flandre triumphantly overhead. “I HAVE NOW FULFILLED MY OATH TO WRECK YOUR SHIT,” you declare, and then you spike her into the ground so hard that she goes several feet into the stone. “HELL. YEAH.
__________

[X] PURGE. PURGE THE FUCKING BITCH. PURGE EVERYTHING ABOUT HER. PURGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

[X] FUCK THIS PLACE, FUCK EVERYTHING, GRAB YOUR SHIT-RIPPER AND GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, FUCK ALL OF IT, YOU'RE GOING SOMEWHERE THAT ISN'T FULL OF STUPID BULLSHIT
__________

FUCK TECHNICAL ISSUES
[X] FUCK THIS PLACE, FUCK EVERYTHING, GRAB YOUR SHIT-RIPPER AND GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, FUCK ALL OF IT, YOU'RE GOING SOMEWHERE THAT ISN'T FULL OF STUPID BULLSHIT

WE HAVE A WITCH TO PUNCH, AND SHE AIN'T HERE. THEREFORE IT STANDS TO REASON THAT WE SHOULD NOT BE HERE EITHER.
[X] PURGE. PURGE THE FUCKING BITCH. PURGE EVERYTHING ABOUT HER. PURGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

SHE MUST BE TAUGHT.
[X] FUCK THIS PLACE, FUCK EVERYTHING, GRAB YOUR SHIT-RIPPER AND GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, FUCK ALL OF IT, YOU'RE GOING SOMEWHERE THAT ISN'T FULL OF STUPID BULLSHIT

WELL THIS WAS A COLOSSAL WASTE OF TIME.

WHO IN THE SHIT KNOWS WHERE THE FUCK IS YUKARI? IT CAN'T BE THAT HARD.
[X] PURGE. PURGE THE FUCKING BITCH. PURGE EVERYTHING ABOUT HER. PURGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

WE DON'T FINISH THE JOB NOW, SHE'S GONNA COME BACK LATER, EVEN MORE PISSED AND A LOT LESS PRETZEL-Y.

WE MUST BE SURE
[X] PURGE. PURGE THE FUCKING BITCH. PURGE EVERYTHING ABOUT HER. PURGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

ONLY EMPEROR HAS THE RIGHT TO TAKE HOLD OF DOYOUS SOUL AND PURGE IT. THE WAY FLANDRE DOES IT SOUNDS PRETTY DAMN HERETICAL AND CHAOSY.
File 149042626296.webm - (1.51MB, 800x450, 1485746259299.webm) [iqdb]
195404
[X] PURGE. PURGE THE FUCKING BITCH. PURGE EVERYTHING ABOUT HER. PURGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
[X] FUCK THIS PLACE, FUCK EVERYTHING, GRAB YOUR SHIT-RIPPER AND GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, FUCK ALL OF IT, YOU'RE GOING SOMEWHERE THAT ISN'T FULL OF STUPID BULLSHIT

NOT
ONE
STEP
CLOSER
TO PURGING YUKARI
[X] FUCK THIS PLACE, FUCK EVERYTHING, GRAB YOUR SHIT-RIPPER AND GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, FUCK ALL OF IT, YOU'RE GOING SOMEWHERE THAT ISN'T FULL OF STUPID BULLSHIT
[X] FUCK THIS PLACE, FUCK EVERYTHING, GRAB YOUR SHIT-RIPPER AND GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, FUCK ALL OF IT, YOU'RE GOING SOMEWHERE THAT ISN'T FULL OF STUPID BULLSHIT
[X] PURGE. PURGE THE FUCKING BITCH. PURGE EVERYTHING ABOUT HER. PURGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

If we don't take care of this loose end, it will come bit us in our SHINY MARINE ARMOR-PLATED ASS later because CHAOS BULLSHIT SPREADS LIKE A FUCKING PLAGUE and for the LOVE OF THE GOD EMPEROR we can't have that when we're able to stop it.
[X] FUCK THIS PLACE, FUCK EVERYTHING, GRAB YOUR SHIT-RIPPER AND GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, FUCK ALL OF IT, YOU'RE GOING SOMEWHERE THAT ISN'T FULL OF STUPID BULLSHIT
[X] PURGE. PURGE THE FUCKING BITCH. PURGE EVERYTHING ABOUT HER. PURGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

REMEMBER HOW WE LEFT FLOWER BITCH? BECASUE IT'S TIME FOR A FUCKING HISTORY LESSON.
[X] FUCK THIS PLACE, FUCK EVERYTHING, GRAB YOUR SHIT-RIPPER AND GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, FUCK ALL OF IT, YOU'RE GOING SOMEWHERE THAT ISN'T FULL OF STUPID BULLSHIT
-[X] ALSO DON'T FORGET TO ASK THE LOCALS WHERE YUKARI IS, PROPERLY THIS TIME

DO WE WANT TO PISS OFF A PERSON THAT WE JUST HEADPATTED INTO HEADPAT HEAVEN EVEN MORE FOR NO FUCKING REASON?

NO, WE DO NOT
>>195416
NO FUCKING REASON?! WE HAVE EVERY FUCKING REASON TO PURGE THIS HERETICAL CHAOS PUSSY FART! NOT ONLY IS SHE AN AFFRONT TO THE EMPEROR BY USING CHAOS BULLSHIT, SHE ALSO BROKE OUR HAND, STOLE OUR SHIT RIPPER, AND TURNED BEST CUDGEL INTO A PRETZEL!

X] PURGE. PURGE THE FUCKING BITCH. PURGE EVERYTHING ABOUT HER. PURGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
>>195417
I WAS TALKING ABOUT REMILIA, YOU FUCKNUGGET

THE ULTRAHERETIC THAT WE JUST FORCED TO PLAY A HUMAN CENTIPEDE WITH HERSELF GOT PURIFIED (READ: ABSOLUTELY FUCKING DESTROYED) FOR A REASON
[X] PURGE. PURGE THE FUCKING BITCH. PURGE EVERYTHING ABOUT HER. PURGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

We just resisted Flandre's ability to break what constitutes an object. I'm so can't even into what I can't words.
[X] PURGE. PURGE THE FUCKING BITCH. PURGE EVERYTHING ABOUT HER. PURGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
WELL SO MUCH FOR MY BEST-LAID PLANS AND THE DEADLINE I'D BEEN TRYING TO STICK TO ALL THIS FUCKING TIME, THIS ONE'S ENTIRELY MY FAULT

BUT, Y'KNOW, TWO THREADS STRAIGHT WITHOUT MISSING AN UPDATE? NOT SO BAD

STILL, I REGRET TO INFORM YOU ALL THAT I MUST NOW KEEP GOING AND NOT CANCEL THIS AFTER ALL BECAUSE FRANKLY THAT KIND OF PENALTY IS SUPER RETARDED EVEN IF IT'S HELLA GOOD MOTIVATION FOR A WRITEFAG LIKE MYSELF, WHEN EVERYTHING'S BEEN GOING FINE ENOUGH OTHERWISE

YOU'LL HAVE YOUR UPDATE IN AN HOUR OR TWO AFTER THIS AT MOST, FOLKS
>>195441
IF YOU LOSE YOUR MOJO AFTER THIS COMPLETE AND UTTER FAILURE, YOU WILL KNOW THE TRUE MEANING OF AUTISM, YADDA YADDA

SO FUCK YOU, NOW WRITE FOR MY AMUSEMENT
>>195442

NO, FUCK YOU, YOU'RE GOING TO READ FOR MY SATISFACTION INSTEAD, YOU FAGGOT

RIGHT HERE >>195446
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