An Angry Marine only grows STRONGER the angrier he gets. This is a well-known fact among the Chapter. However, you're always at such a massive level of burning rage that NO ONE has ever been able to stand before you without you twisting them into pretzels.
No one, that is, until now.
But that's just FINE, because if things keep going the way they're going here, you're going to reach levels of FURIOUS STRENGTH you've never before reached in your entire career as an Angry Marine.
That's if you can't manage to best this TURBO-WENCH right now, of course, which you're damn well gonna do in the name of the Emperor and the Chapter and your MIGHTY FISTS.
“HOLD THE FUCK STILL!” you yell.
“Okay.” She doesn't blink as your mighty fist nails her square in the sternum, even if, again, you manage to drive her back by inches. Her fist responds in kind, and hers sends you several meters back in return.
“FUCK ME, YOU PACK A PUNCH,” you say; even being braced for her counter-blow, it still nearly knocked you off your feet. “THAT'S OKAY, THOUGH. IT'LL JUST MAKE ME KNOCKING YOUR PUNK ASS OUT ALL THE SWEETER!”
“Yeah, good luck with that!” Yuugi retorts, regarding you with disdainful amusement. “How's about I hold still for you? Maybe that way you might actually get somewhere!”
“OH MY EMPEROR,” you growl, your teeth threatening to shatter from how hard you're grinding them against each other. “YOU'RE SOMEHOW MORE CONDE-FUCKING-SCENDING THAN A GODDAMN ELDAR! I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ANYONE COULD POSSIBLY MANAGE THAT, BUT YOU, OH, YOU FOUND A WAY!”
“No idea what Eldar are!”
“POINTY-EARED BITCHES ONE AND ALL, TOTAL DEGENERATES, I FUCKING HATE THEM AND I FUCKING HATE YOU TOO FOR BEING LIKE THEM.” She frowns, nodding thoughtfully. You're about to hit her again when something else comes to mind. “YOU SAID YOU COLLECT INSULTS, RIGHT?”
Yuugi looks momentarily perplexed by your change of topic, but shrugs. “Yeah? What about it?”
“HIT ME- OOF”
You go from standing to flying in a blink as she punches you again, the TERRIBLE BITCH, and you smash into another building so hard it just plain COLLAPSES.
FUCK, you're gonna be feeling that one come morning.
“Indulging your masochism aside, I don't see what that was supposed to accomplish!” Yuugi says.
“I MEANT HIT ME WITH THE INSULTS, YOU FAGGOTRON!” you bellow, stomping towards her once again. “FUCK! HOW MALNOURISHED MUST YOUR INFERIOR MUTANT BRAIN BE TO NOT FUCKING GET THIS?”
“Oh! Well!” She stops twirling her plate to take another sip. “Well, what's it you like?”
You raise your POWER FISTS and start ticking off POWER FINGERS. “PRAISING THE EMPEROR, SERVING THE EMPEROR, BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF THE EMPEROR'S ENEMIES, FUCKING WITH THE PRETTY MARINES, PARTYING HARD, AND FLUFFY THINGS, FOR THEY SOOTHE MY IMMENSE RAGE WHEN THERE ARE NO ENEMIES OF MANKIND FOR ME TO PURGE.”
Yuugi simply lifts an eyebrow. “...Fluffy things?”
“YEAH. LIKE CABBITS. HOLY SHIT HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A CABBIT IT'S LIKE A BALL OF FLUFF PRACTICALLY MADE FOR PETTING AND HRRRRRRGHHHH”
You clutch your chest as you suffer through your FLUFF-INDUCED HEART ATTACK, but fortunately you have a spare, so all the EXCRUCIATING PAIN does is make you EVEN ANGRIER.
“Huh,” Yuugi says. She takes a long pull from her dish, eyeing you contemplatively as she does so. “...The Emperor is bad and you should feel bad for serving him.”
HERESY
“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST FUCKING SAY ABOUT HIM, YOU LITTLE BITCH?” you scream, vox-boosted voice audible throughout the entire underground, and Yuugi actually flinches. “I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW HE CLAWED HIS WAY OUT OF A TECHNO-BARBARIC EARTH TO UNITE HUMANITY, AND HE'S BEEN INVOLVED IN COUNTLESS BATTLES ACROSS THE GALAXY AS HE CONQUERED IT IN HIS MOST HOLY NAME, AND EVEN AFTER HIS FAGGOT SON HORUS MORTALLY WOUNDED HIM HE STILL CLINGS TO LIFE, HOLDING THE IMPERIUM TOGETHER UPON HIS GOLDEN THRONE AND MAINTAINING HIS ETERNAL VIGIL OVER US ALL!”
The GOD-EMPEROR DAMNED HERETIC takes a step back, but you're so embroiled in RAGE that you can't stop yelling.
“YOU ARE NOTHING TO HIM BUT JUST ANOTHER MUTANT! HE CREATED ME TO WIPE YOU, AND EVERYONE AROUND YOU, THE FUCK OUT WITH COLLATERAL DAMAGE THE LIKES OF WHICH HAS NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE IN THIS HELL, MARK MY FUCKING WORDS! YOU THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH SAYING THAT SHIT ABOUT HIM RIGHT TO MY FACE? THINK AGAIN, FUCKER! AS WE SPEAK I'M GROWING INCREASINGLY FURIOUS, SO YOU BETTER PREPARE FOR THE STORM, FAGGOT! THE STORM THAT WIPES OUT THE PATHETIC LITTLE THING YOU CALL YOUR CITY! YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD, ASSHOLE!”
Rocks tumble down from the underground's ceiling far above as buildings collapse all around you, nothing in this city able to stand before the might of your MASSIVE AUDITORY ASSAULT.
“I CAN DEEP STRIKE ANYWHERE, ANY TIME, AND I CAN KILL YOU IN OVER SEVEN HUNDRED WAYS, AND THAT'S JUST WITH MY POWER BOOTS! NOT ONLY AM I EXTENSIVELY TRAINED IN ALL FORMS OF MOTHERFUCKING COMBAT, BUT I HAVE BEEN GENETICALLY MODIFIED TO BECOME THE APEX OF HUMANITY, AND I WILL USE MY SUPERIORITY TO ITS FULL EXTENT AS I PURGE YOUR MISERABLE ASS OFF THE FACE OF THIS PLANET, YOU LITTLE SHIT!”
Blood is pouring from Yuugi's ears now, but she's holding her ground in the face of Armageddon with GRIT TEETH and GRIM DETERMINATION, and even now, her plate doesn't spill a DROP.
“IF ONLY YOU COULD HAVE KNOWN WHAT HOLY VENGEANCE YOUR FUCKING 'CLEVER' COMMENT WAS ABOUT TO TO RAIN DOWN UPON YOUR HEAD, MAYBE YOU WOULD HAVE SHUT THE FUCK UP! BUT YOU COULDN'T, YOU DIDN'T, AND NOW YOU'RE PAYING THE PRICE, YOU EMPEROR-DAMNED IDIOT! I WILL SHIT FURY ALL OVER YOU AND YOU WILL DROWN IN IT! YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD, ASSHOLE!”
You cap off your MASSIVE RANT with the ANGRIEST FUCKING PUNCH IN THE WORLD directly to her FUCKING HERETICAL MUTANT FACE. Her head SNAPS BACK, teeth FLYING, bones CRACKING, blood SPLATTERING across your fist, and she staggers BACKWARD.
ONE STEP.
TWO STEPS.
THREE.
And then, against ALL FUCKING ODDS, she STEADIES HERSELF. Worse yet, her plate is STILL PERFECTLY LEVEL.
“That all you got?” she slurs, blood pouring from her grinning mouth.
Your blood pressure spikes to a NEVER-BEFORE-FELT LEVEL.
“WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-” you roar, the whole underground falling to pieces around you, your rage breaking past the limit of what you ever thought possible.
And then, for just one moment, for the first time in your ENTIRE LIFE, you break past ANGER and reach PURE BLISS.
Alas, your MASSIVE BLOOD PRESSURE proves too much even for your AWESOME BODY to handle, and you FUCKING EXPLODE in a shower of blood and body parts. Your flying POWER ARM hits Yuugi's face with the force of a Baneblade shell, knocking her head over heels and finally, FINALLY spilling that GODDAMN PLATE, even as the rest of your POWER BODY flies off spurting blood, carving a swathe of destruction through whatever gets in their way.
You DIED HAPPY. __________
SHIT, I'M JUST FALLING OFF ALL THE WAGONS WHEN IT COMES TO MY UPDATE SPEED, AREN'T I?
ANYWAY WHEN YOU COME BACK FROM THE DEAD WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO
[X] SHINING ANGRY POWER FINGER
[X] GET DAT FUKKEN PLATE
- AND IT'S TIME FOR THE GAME OVER ADVICE AGAIN, ASSHOLES
[X] BIG E WANTS A FUCKING WORD
[X] FUKLAW IS HERE AND HE LOOKS PISSED
[X] CHAPTER MASTER TEMPERUS IS ALWAYS ANGRY, BUT TODAY HE LOOKS ESPECIALLY ALWAYS ANGRY
[X] BIG E WANTS A FUCKING WORD
[X] AND
[X] FUKLAW IS HERE AND HE LOOKS PISSED
[X] AND
[X] CHAPTER MASTER TEMPERUS IS ALWAYS ANGRY, BUT TODAY HE LOOKS ESPECIALLY ALWAYS ANGRY
>ANGRY MARINE
>>>>>HAPPY
We DUN GOOF'D. We DUN GOOF'D SO HARD that we need not ONE, NOT TWO, but THREE ANGRY FUCKERS informing us in EXCRUCIATING DETAIL just how badly we DUN GOOF'D
[X] BIG E WANTS A FUCKING WORD
[X] AND
[X] FUKLAW IS HERE AND HE LOOKS PISSED
[X] AND
[X] CHAPTER MASTER TEMPERUS IS ALWAYS ANGRY, BUT TODAY HE LOOKS ESPECIALLY ALWAYS ANGRY
SUCH UNCONTAINABLE RAGE REQUIRES THE LIKES OF AN ARMY TO ADMONISH.
OR THESE THREE FUCKS.
BUT EITHER WAY, WE ARE FUCKING SHINING OUR FINGERS THROUGH THIS BITCH!
JUST ENOUGH TO KNOCK HER DOWN. WE NEED A PET DRUNK ORC BITCH, OR OUR BITCHDEX WON'T BE COMPLETE AND CHAPTER MASTER OAK WILL BE DISAPPOINTED.
[X] BIG E WANTS A FUCKING WORD
[X] AND
[X] FUKLAW IS HERE AND HE LOOKS PISSED
[X] AND
[X] CHAPTER MASTER TEMPERUS IS ALWAYS ANGRY, BUT TODAY HE LOOKS ESPECIALLY ALWAYS ANGRY
NOW THE QUESTION IS, ARE THEY GOING TO ONLY TELL US JUST HOW BAD WE FUCKED UP OR WILL THEY DO THAT AND ACKNOWLEDGE THAT EVEN FOR A SECOND WE WERE ANGRIER THAN KHORNE AND THAT IT WAS AWESOME? Actually now that I think about it that would be kind of heretical, but hey WHO CARES?
[X] BIG E WANTS A FUCKING WORD
[X] AND
[X] FUKLAW IS HERE AND HE LOOKS PISSED
[X] AND
[X] CHAPTER MASTER TEMPERUS IS ALWAYS ANGRY, BUT TODAY HE LOOKS ESPECIALLY ALWAYS ANGRY
[X] BIG E WANTS A FUCKING WORD
[X] AND
[X] FUKLAW IS HERE AND HE LOOKS PISSED
[X] AND
[X] CHAPTER MASTER TEMPERUS IS ALWAYS ANGRY, BUT TODAY HE LOOKS ESPECIALLY ALWAYS ANGRY
[X] BIG E WANTS A FUCKING WORD
[X] AND
[X] FUKLAW IS HERE AND HE LOOKS PISSED
[X] AND
[X] CHAPTER MASTER TEMPERUS IS ALWAYS ANGRY, BUT TODAY HE LOOKS ESPECIALLY ALWAYS ANGRY
WELL THAT WAS AN EMPEROR-DAMNED CLOSE ONE, BUT I'LL CALL IT HERE FOR THE SHINING ANGRY POWER FINGER AND ABSOLUTELY ALL THE ASSHOLES YELLING AT EACH OTHER
I BLAME NEW VIDYA AND MY OWN INCOMPETENCE AT THIS TAKING NEARLY A WEEK
__________
Once again, you find yourself somewhere NOT IMPORTANT. Commissar Fuklaw is here, and he is exchanging swears with Chapter Master Temperus, who looks like you except even huger, and they both turn to you as if you JUST SHOWED UP, which you DID, so-
“WELL IF IT ISN'T TODAY'S BIGGEST PIECE OF SHIT!” Temperus bellows, and you automatically disable your helmet's audio functions; the fact that his voice pierces through regardless is a testament to his almighty rage.
“YOU GOT A FUCKING PROBLEM WITH ME, YOU DICKSUCK?” you yell back. “I'LL FUCKING WRECK YOUR SHIT SO HARD YOU WON'T EVEN BE ABLE TO WALK WITH YOUR PROLAPSED ANUS!”
“IS THAT A FUCKING PROMISE, MARINE?” Temperus roars at you, and you find yourself being driven back through the outrageous force of his voice.
“YOU'D BETTER NOT BE THREATENING A RANKING OFFICER, ASSHOLE!” Fuklaw adds, setting aside whatever differences he had with the Chapter Master to unload on you.
“CONSIDERING I'M FUCKING DECEASED, I THINK I AM, BITCHES!” you retort, digging your feet into the ground. “I GOT ENOUGH POWER BOOTS TO GO AROUND FOR BOTH YOUR ASSHOLES, YOU THINK I REALLY GIVE A FUCK?”
“MY MAGGOTY ASS IS GOING TO CHIME IN HERE,” says THE EMPEROR HOLY FUCK YOU'RE GOING BLIND
Fuklaw and Temperus are similarly awestruck by the magnificent sight of THE EMPRAH in all his shining golden glory and huge armor and general decrepit corpsitude.
“THIS YOUNG MAN REACHED A LEVEL OF RAGE THAT BEAT KHORNE, AND AS SUCH-”
“I'M FOUR HUNDRED!” you say, and then regret it as THE EMPEROR fixes you with a glare that drives you to your knees.
“DON'T INTERRUPT ME AGAIN YOU LITTLE SHIT BECAUSE I AM YOUR ALMIGHTY FATHER AND I WILL SLAY YOUR ASS.”
“OKAY,” you manage, averting your eyes because you're pretty sure they'd burn out if you kept looking at HIS GLORIOUS RADIANCE.
“AS I WAS SAYING, THIS LOYAL SERVANT OF ME OUT-KHORNE'D KHORNE. I COULD FEEL THE BUTTHURT OF CHAOS THROUGHOUT THE WARP, AND ANYTHING THAT PISSES THEM OFF IS ABSOLUTELY FINE WITH ME. THAT BEING SAID, GETTING SO ANGRY YOU LITERALLY EXPLODE IS COUNTER-PRODUCTIVE. YOU CANNOT SPREAD MY NAME TO THOSE AROUND YOU IF YOU ARE MERELY A COLLECTION OF BODY PARTS, AFTER ALL. TRY TO AVOID THAT IN THE FUTURE.”
When he doesn't continue, you take that as your cue to speak up. “THIS SOUNDS FUCKING AWFUL BUT I WILL TRY TO REIN MYSELF IN FOR YOU, MY EMPEROR.”
“GOOD BOY,” he says, and that fills you with immense glee to go with your simmering rage. “NOW YOUR TIME HERE IS OVER. GET YOUR SHINY METAL ASS BACK THERE AND SHOW THAT MUTANT HOW THE EMPEROR'S SERVANTS DO IT.”
“FUCK YEAH, MY EMPEROR!” you yell, jumping to your feet.
“My Emperor!” Fuklaw says, looking torn between awe and disappointment. “He fucked it up so bad he's talking with us! Aren't you going to, well, do anything?”
“I HAVE TO AGREE WITH THE MANLET,” Temperus thunders. “SUCH RETARDATION DESERVES PUNISHMENT!”
THE EMPEROR turns his mighty gaze to the others, leaving you mercifully free from his sight. “ARE YOU TELLING ME WHAT TO DO?”
The two find themselves REMARKABLY SILENT. You figure now is as good a time as any to edge out of the door that's been behind you this whole time, because you don't even want to be near someone verbally getting their shit slapped by THE EMPEROR.
You're glowering at Yuugi, a fist cocked back, but you get the oddest feeling that simply punching her isn't going to do anything. Still, if that's the case, maybe you just need to PUNCH HARDER.
“YOU REALLY WANT TO SEE HOW STRONG I AM, HUH?” you ask, your path already clear.
“Would I be mocking you like this if I wasn't?” she replies.
“GOOD POINT. DON'T SAY I DIDN'T FUCKING WARN YOU!”
“Oh, get on with it!” she demands.
You raise a fist in front of your face, and it shakes from how hard you're clenching it. “THIS HAND OF MINE BURNS WITH TERRIBLE RAGE!” you intone, and your POWER FIST crackles to life. “ITS CERAMITE GRIP WILL SMACK THE FUCK OUT OF YOU!”
Yuugi eyes your fist apprehensively, but stands her ground regardless.
“TAKE THIS!” you bellow, hauling back. “MY ANGER! MY FURY! AND ALL OF MY HATRED!” Your fist lashes out with soul-shattering force. “SHINING! ANGRY! FINGEEEEEEEEEEER!”
“Oh shit,” Yuugi says, eyes wide.
You extend your middle finger a split-second before impact and drive it directly into her forehead. “DIE!”
Of all the things you expected to happen, such as splattering her brains all over the ground or atomizing her skull or generally just taking her head off, you did not expect the EXPLOSION that sends her flying down the street, through a signpost, and into a building, plate spinning out of her grip to parts unknown.
You give your POWER FIST a befuddled glare and shake it about, because that is NOT factory-standard. “WHAT THE FUCK?”
“Okay!” Yuugi calls to you, having extricated herself from the house she bowled through. She's bleeding pretty heavily from that indentation in her forehead, but you wouldn't tell she was hurt just from her face-splitting grin. “Now that was what I was hoping for!”
“YOU WANTED TO GET YOUR SHIT WRECKED?” you ask, standing your ground as she marches to you.
“Would I have stood still if I didn't?” she says, completely unfazed by the blood pouring down her face.
You have only one response to that. “YOU FUCKING MASOCHIST.”
“Do all your punches explode?” she asks as if she hadn't heard you. “Why didn't you open up with that?”
__________
[X] WHY YES STUPID ABHUMAN MUTANT, OF COURSE ANGRY PUNCHES EXPLODE WHEN YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO IT. THIS TOTALLY WASN'T AN ACCIDENT. AUDIBLE WINK.
[X] EVEN IF IT WAS COMPLETELY RAD, YOUR FISTS DON'T USUALLY BLOW SHIT UP. YOU BLAME BEING IN HELL. SHIT GETS WEIRD IN HELL.
[X] EVEN IF IT WAS COMPLETELY RAD, YOUR FISTS DON'T USUALLY BLOW SHIT UP. YOU BLAME BEING IN HELL. SHIT GETS WEIRD IN HELL.
GOTTA ADMIT, THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME.
NOW WE NEED TO FIND OUT HOW TO PUNCH FUCKERS HEADS OFF FROM RANGE SO WE CAN JUST KILL THE NEXT CHAOS SORCERER INSTEAD OF BEING SHOT AT THEM! THEN WERE GOLDEN... LIKE EMPRAHS BLING ARMOUR!!!
DOING GOD-EMPERORS WORK IN PURGING HERETICS AND XENOS OF COURSE. AS WELL AS SHOWING THE WORLD THE JOYS OF FILTHY FAIRY PORN. I hope so atleast... that would be awesome...
No. 186823
File 145168292728.png- (886.83KB
, 1300x972
, NOW WHO'S THIS TINY BITCH.png
)
[iqdb]
I HIT PEAK LAZY BUT NOW IT'S A NEW YEAR AND I'M BACK FOR MORE
ALSO I'M SWITCHING MY NAME BECAUSE FUCK YOU
__________
“OKAY, I'M GONNA LEVEL WITH YA HERE,” you say. “I GOT NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT JUST HAPPENED. LIKE, I'VE PUNCHED BITCHES WITH MY POWER FISTS ON BEFORE AND THEY'VE NEVER EXPLODED.”
“This is an interesting development,” Yuugi says, nodding thoughtfully. “I volunteer to be punched again to see if it's a one-time thing.”
“HOLY FUCK NO.”
She shrugs. “Welp, had to try.”
“YOU FUCKING DEGENERATE. CAN WE GO ALREADY? I AM GOING TO FINALLY GET MYSELF PROPERLY GODDAMN WASTED AND YOU ARE DELAYING THIS.”
That gets her to grin. “Fair nuff! Just gotta go find my plate real quick and then we can get going!”
“I STILL DO NOT SEE WHAT IS SO FUCKING SPECIAL ABOUT YOUR STUPID-ASS PLATE,” you say, but bide your time as forehead-horn-bitch saunters off to get it. Soon as she returns, you follow her on a winding path through the streets, up to the point where she jumps on top of a building and you're forced to punch holes in the wall to climb your way up instead.
When you poke your head over the ledge, you spot her chatting with ANOTHER TINY BITCH with TWO BRANCH-LIKE HORNS who is reclining on a LAWN CHAIR and drinking from a PURPLE GOURD, the color of which fills you with DISDAIN.
“I WAS TOLD THERE WOULD BE BOOZE,” you say by way of greeting as you haul yourself atop the building.
“And this is the guy!” Yuugi says, gesturing grandly at your imposing stature. “He's got those exploding fists I told you about! Also you probably heard him yelling earlier when he punched me.”
“CAN CONFIRM, MY FISTS EXPLODE NOW,” you say, then point at the (STILL DRINKING WOW) oni who's watching you with a quirked brow. “NOW WHO'S THIS TINY BITCH?”
She pulls her lips off the gourd with a pop, and smirks as though you couldn't squash her like a grape. “Name's Suika, broski. Call me a tiny bitch again and you're not gonna have fun.”
“NRGHHHHHHHH” you growl, venting exasperation before you EXPLODE. “BY THE FUCKING EMPEROR, I DON'T CARE, I WAS PROMISED PROPER ALCOHOL AND I AM NOT SEEING ANY.”
“Oh, y'mean like in this?” Suika says, shaking her gourd around to sloshing effect. Her eyes flick to the other oni standing proud and bloody-faced (she should probably get that checked out honestly). “Didja promise him a swig, Yuugi?”
Yuugi looks completely innocent as she beams down at Suika. “Nah, just told him you had good stuff.”
“Huh.” TINY BITCH considers this for a moment, then gives you a crooked smile. “Well now, if you got her to bleed, I wonder-”
You pick up her chair with her in it. “YOU HAVE UNTIL THE COUNT OF FIVE TO GIVE ME THAT GOURD OR I WILL SLAM YOU.”
“...Huh,” Suika says, mildly perturbed.
“ONE.”
“Yeah, nah,” she says, and then she jumps off the chair, plummets off the roof, and hits the ground below.
“WHAT THE FUCK?” you say, and then HOLY SHITFUCK SHE JUST CAME BACK LIKE TWO STORIES TALL
“Howdy!” Suika says, brandishing teeth in a wide, sharp, decidedly DAEMONIC GRIN as she works her knuckles over. “You wanted a fight, right? Well, here ya go!”
You activate both your POWER FISTS. “BY THE EMPEROR, I'M GONNA NEED TWO POWER FINGERS FOR THIS ONE!”
“And now you see why I wanted you t'be able to knock me over,” Yuugi says, completely unbothered by how this is about to become GROUND ZERO.
__________
[X] CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE
[X] YUUGI MISSILE, FIIIIIIIIIIRE
[X] YOU ARE A CUNNING ANGRY MARINE, AND YOU WILL MAKE A CUNNING ANGRY FIGHTING RETREAT
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT? NOT EVEN THE MOST FUCKING PUSSIFIED TWINKLETOES COCKSUCKER IN THE GREAT EMPEROR'S IMPERIUM WOULD DARE THINK OF DOING SO DAMN COWARDLY.
THE FUCK MAN. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAD THE BALLS TO EVEN TYPE THAT SHIT.
DON'T YOU SEE? IT'S A CUNNING TRAP TO SEE WHO HERE IS ACTUALLY A FUCKING HERITIC! THAT WAY WE CAN PURGE THEIR ASSHOLES ALL THE WAY TO THE EYE OF TERROR IN THE NAME OF THE EMPEROR!
BECAUSE THE ONLY OTHER EXPLANATION IS THAT HE'S A FUCKING HERITIC, AND HE'S SHOWN THAT HE ISN'T, FUCKFACE!
THAT HORN MAKES A GOOD WARHEAD (PUN INTENDED). WE CAN CALL IT DEATHSTRIKE YUUGI OR I´MMA-SLAP-THAT-MIDGET-CLASS HOSHIGUMA.
BUT STILL, WE WILL HAVE A DAAAMNN GOOD WARHEAD TO COMPLEMENT OUR SAKI-OF-MASS-DESTRUCTION THE BEST CUDGEL.
There are many options for an enterprising Angry Marine when faced with a Bloodthirster-sized foe, but one that is immediately discarded is the notion of RUNNING AWAY like a PUSSY; that's a REASONABLE MARINE IDEA, and the mere idea of being like those COWARDLY SHITS after they got on your case about COLLATERAL DAMAGE and FRIENDLY FIRE and BAD ATTITUDES is INFURIATING.
Instead, you grab Yuugi and hoist her overhead. “DEPLOYING WARHEAD!”
“I did not volunteer for this,” Yuugi notes, and then you throw her at GIANT BITCH, who has all of a second to be surprised before your oni missile embeds herself hornfirst in your target's forehead.
“Yow!” Suika yelps, her voice SHAKING THE GROUND ITSELF (or ROOF ITSELF if you're gonna be ANAL ABOUT IT).
“Sup?” says Yuugi, holding herself perpendicular against gravity through the power of MIGHTY MUSCLES.
“Get outta me!” Suika demands, grabbing the blonde by between thumb and forefinger and prying her loose. While this goes on, you take advantage of the distraction to jump on the MUTANT SHAPESHIFTER'S shirt.
Suika flicks Yuugi off into the distance, leaving you alone with your COLOSSAL FOE. You only have seconds to act before she slaps you with all the effectiveness of your fist through a cultist's face, so you shimmy up her clothing with the quickness as she looks around for where the hell you went. Now if only you had some FITTINGLY ORCHESTRAL MUSIC to go along with this, you'd be having a GREAT TIME.
“Where the-” Suika starts, and then you leap diagonally onto her shoulder. “Oh, there you are!”
You've just risen to your feet when her hand comes in WAY FASTER THAN SHOULD BE LEGAL, but an ACTION ROLL heaves you away from her MARINE-SPLATTERING SLAP to land on the crook of her neck. Seeing an opportunity, you jump, catch her earlobe, and swing yourself up onto the little EAR PLATFORM THING just outside the CANAL PROPER.
“Hey!” Suika says, reaching to pluck you from her head.
Thinking fast, you lean into her ear and bellow “WHAT THE FUCK IS UP?”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-” Suika screeches, stumbling sideways at your AUDITORY ATTACK. You escape with a MIGHTY LEAP, catching handfuls of her hair just as she slaps the FUCK outta her ear.
“YOUR ATTEMPTS TO DESTROY ME ARE PAINFULLY INADEQUATE!” you shout, climbing up the disoriented oni's skull until you're perched atop the forest of hair that is her head.
“WHAT?” she yells back, bringing both hands up over her head. “I THINK YOU BLEW OUT MY EARDRUM!”
“GOOD!” you retort, and OH BOY HERE COMES THE DOUBLE-SLAP.
__________
[X] YOU GOT TWO HANDS COMING AT YOU AND TWO POWER FISTS AT YOUR DISPOSAL. DO THE MATH.
[X] DIVE OFF THE FRONT OF HER HEAD, FOR THIS WAY YOU CAN PUNCH HER IN THE FACE.
[X] DIVE OFF THE BACK OF HER HEAD, THE BETTER TO ASSAIL WEAK POINTS WITHOUT HER GRABBING YOU.
__________
[X] DIVE OFF THE BACK OF HER HEAD, THE BETTER TO ASSAIL WEAK POINTS WITHOUT HER GRABBING YOU.
AS AN ANGRY MARINE, WE WANT TO PUNCH HER HANDS AWAY.
HOWEVER, LET IT NEVER BE SAID WE ARE A STUPID MARINE! WE'VE ALREADY" HAD OUR ASSES CHEWED THE FUCK OUT MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR ONE UNDERGROUND! WE PLAY SMART RAGE, AND WE DON'T DIE AGAIN UNTIL WE HIT THE SURFACE! BECAUSE FUCK DEATH AND HER NICE RACK, WE'VE GOT SHIT TO DO!
[X] DIVE OFF THE BACK OF HER HEAD, THE BETTER TO ASSAIL WEAK POINTS WITHOUT HER GRABBING YOU.
[X] GO FOR THE NAPE OF THE NECK, YOU'VE HEARD THIS WORKS.
[X] DIVE OFF THE BACK OF HER HEAD, THE BETTER TO ASSAIL WEAK POINTS WITHOUT HER GRABBING YOU.
No. 186909
File 145275469575.jpg- (635.65KB
, 1280x800
, SHE REFUSES TO NOT BE HAPPY.jpg
)
[iqdb]
“YEAH NAH,” you declare, and throw yourself backwards before her hands meet her skull with thunderous impact. Your flight ends with you landing on the nape of her neck, because you recall that, according to Brother-Captain Captain-Brother Brother-Captain (his parents had high aspirations for their boy), this is USUALLY where COLOSSAL FIENDS have GLOWY WEAK POINTS.
Unfortunately, this report appears to be TOTAL BULLSHIT, as Suika does not have a GLOWY WEAK POINT here for you to pummel. Still, just because it isn't glowing or anything doesn't mean you can't PUNCH IT ANYWAY HUTTAH
You feel like you should have expected the resulting explosion after what happened with Yuugi.
“FUCKING HELL,” you say as you're sent flying by the blast, even as Suika topples forward with a mighty bellow of pain. You hit the roof of another building and skid back a ways before you grind to a stop, and sit up in time to see Suika catch herself on the building you used to occupy.
“Well, that was invigorating!” she says, pushing herself up and leaving massive handprints in the building as you rise up. She whirls about to face you. “Hold still!”
“THROAT PUNCH IS A GO,” you retort, already sprinting towards her as she hauls back for a real shit-wrecker of a punch. Suika unleashes a wide, looping swing just as you reach the roof's ledge and leap off, POWER BOOTS grazing her speeding fist as you soar through the air, arms outstretched as you arc towards, yes, her throat. Suika's eyes widen as she realizes what's about to occur, and with a POP the giant turns back into a GODDAMN MIDGET, plummeting away from the UNSTOPPABLE POWER of your fists into the alleyway below.
“OH FUCK YOU” you declare, and then you slam fists-first into the building's wall. You wrench your hands loose and dive for Suika to deliver THE EMPEROR'S ELBOW DROP™ as punishment for her fuckery, but she deigns to look up the moment she hits the ground, and and flings herself out of the way just before you can pulverize her.
Your impact shatters the earth for several meters around, annihilating Suika's footing, and the little gremlin topples onto her ass. You spring to your feet as she pushes herself back onto wobbly legs, the damned lush swaying about and grinning like she isn't about to get a surprise proctology exam.
“Haha!” she cackles, flinging her arms wide open. “Let's see what you've got, ya little bitch!”
“I SHOULD BE THE ONE TELLING YOU THAT, COCKSLEEVE!” you shout, sprinting towards her. She ducks your clothesline, and when you spin on a heel to nail her again is when she flings herself headfirst (and hornsfirst) at you. She collides with your chest hard enough to send your ass flying back; you bounce off a wall and land on your feet, while she hits the ground on her side and hovers back upright.
“The only cocksleeve around here when I'm done is gonna be you!” she cheerily says, windmilling an arm rapidly as you stomp towards her.
“HOLY FUCK GO DIE,” you reply, every word from this MIDGET SHITBIRD grinding away at your already horrifically-abused patience.
__________
[X] I SUMMON ALL THE POWER OF THE FURIOUS FINGER
[X] ANGRY PUNT HER ASS INTO THE MILKY WAY
[X] DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DON'T LIKE THE CUNT DESTROYER
[X] DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DON'T LIKE THE CUNT DESTROYER
AND WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT, THERE IS A CUNT THAT NEEDS THE EMPEROR'S FURY BEATEN INTO IT RIGHT HERE. ISN'T THAT CONVENIENT.
[X] DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DON'T LIKE THE CUNT DESTROYER
Is one day enough of a break between posts to where sage-ing needs to happen or are non sage posts still acceptable after this long?
No. 186957
File 145292749841.jpg- (1.54MB
, 1870x2764
, OKAY THAT SHUT HER UP GOOD.jpg
)
[iqdb]
You have doled out beatings and wedgies aplenty, to catgirls and dick-kickers and then more, but now you face the most terrible foe of all; an annoying, overpowered, mutant SQUAT. There is clearly only one option here to show her who is truly in charge.
“IT IS TIME TO UNLEASH THE BEAST,” you declare, and charge Suika with GRIEVOUS HARM in mind. You don't like the look of the punch she's got in store for you, though; to ensure MAXIMUM PROBABILITY OF CUNT DESTRUCTION, you're gonna have to time your strike VERY CAREFULLY.
Speaking of strikes, Suika unleashes one at you, and ENERGY BULLETS FLY OUT FROM HER FIST AW FUCK TIME TO DODGE-ROLL.
“WHAT IS THIS?!?” you shout, forced to keep spastically rolling out of the way of her WALL-WRECKING ENERGY PUNCHES.
“The power of fists!” she cheerily replies, not slowing her barrage of blows in the slightest.
“AH YES I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN,” you yell agreeably, coming up from your latest roll, and spy an opening mortal men would be too slow to take advantage of. Your next roll carries you OVER a PUNCH BULLET (ANGRY ROLLS get LOTS OF AIRTIME), leaving you directly in front of Suika as she hauls back to send you flying.
Unfortunately for her, the moment you land is the moment you're already lashing out a massive POWER BOOT at a very specific target.
“What in the-” she says, before said boot collides dead center with her crotch and detonates.
Suika's face goes through a wide spectrum of emotions, starting (very briefly) with surprise, then transitioning to shock, before settling on anguish as your boot carries her in a forward arc through the air. She hits a wall at the speed of GET FUCKED, bounces towards you, and gets a second serving of DESTRUCTION when your POWER FIST slams into her groin once again. This EXPLOSIVE CUNTPERCUT sends her soaring waaaaaaaaaaay high, gourd flying from wherever she'd secreted it on her person, and you snatch it out of the air, uncork it, and slam the opening into your mouth in one smooth motion.
HOLY FUCK THIS SHIT HITS LIKE A WARBOSS'S POWER KLAW STITCHED TO AN ANGRY MARINE'S FIST.
“BY THE EMPEROR!” you say, full of awe and alcohol, before tipping your head back and chugging.
You spend several long seconds guzzling DELICIOUS ALCOHOL when Suika hits the ground ahead of you on her knees, hands clutching her ANNIHILATED GROIN, her face twisted up in a SMORGASBORD of PAIN and SUFFERING. Her mouth works open and closed and open again, tears streaming down her cheeks, and it's all she can manage to take very shallow breaths.
“THROUGH THIS AGONY YOUR PATH TO THE EMPEROR WILL BECOME CLEAR,” you intone through this freshly-induced DRUNKEN HAZE from her SUPER-BOOZE. Speaking of, you get back to drinking it.
Suika emits a high-pitched, keening whine as she crumples forward, and starts sobbing quietly into the dirt.
CUNT STATUS: DESTROYED.
__________
[X] VICTORY IS YOURS, AS ARE THIS GOURD OF RADICAL ALCOHOL AND THE PUNTED ONI WHO IS POWERLESS TO RESIST YOU. AS PART OF YOUR FLOCK, SHE MUST BE WELCOMED PROPERLY INTO THE EMPEROR'S LIGHT.
[X] NOW THAT YOU HAVE SHOWN YOUR MIGHT, HORN SOLO IS SURE TO JOIN YOUR CAUSE. GO FIND HER REAL QUICK AND GIVE HER SOME BOOZE, FOR THIS IS SURE TO SWAY HER.
__________
[X] VICTORY IS YOURS, AS ARE THIS GOURD OF RADICAL ALCOHOL AND THE PUNTED ONI WHO IS POWERLESS TO RESIST YOU. AS PART OF YOUR FLOCK, SHE MUST BE WELCOMED PROPERLY INTO THE EMPEROR'S LIGHT.
[X] WE SHOULD BRAG ABOUT THIS TO BEST LANCE AND SHARE OUR BOUNTY WITH HER. FIND THE UNICORN.
BEST CUDGEL AND BEST LANCE! BEST FUCKING WEAPONS FOR FUCKING EVER!
AND A PINT-SIZED POINTY PIPSQUEAK! THIS IS THE BEST FUCKING OPTION!
>>186957 [X] NOW THAT YOU HAVE SHOWN YOUR MIGHT, HORN SOLO IS SURE TO JOIN YOUR CAUSE. GO FIND HER REAL QUICK AND GIVE HER SOME BOOZE, FOR THIS IS SURE TO SWAY HER.
WHO THE FUCK IS HORN SOLO
>“WHAT IS THIS?!?” you shout, forced to keep spastically rolling out of the way of her WALL-WRECKING ENERGY PUNCHES.
DARK SOULS
[X] VICTORY IS YOURS, AS ARE THIS GOURD OF RADICAL ALCOHOL AND THE PUNTED ONI WHO IS POWERLESS TO RESIST YOU. AS PART OF YOUR FLOCK, SHE MUST BE WELCOMED PROPERLY INTO THE EMPEROR'S LIGHT.
[X] NOW THAT YOU HAVE SHOWN YOUR MIGHT, HORN SOLO IS SURE TO JOIN YOUR CAUSE. GO FIND HER REAL QUICK AND GIVE HER SOME BOOZE, FOR THIS IS SURE TO SWAY HER.
[X] VICTORY IS YOURS, AS ARE THIS GOURD OF RADICAL ALCOHOL AND THE PUNTED ONI WHO IS POWERLESS TO RESIST YOU. AS PART OF YOUR FLOCK, SHE MUST BE WELCOMED PROPERLY INTO THE EMPEROR'S LIGHT.
[X] WE SHOULD BRAG ABOUT THIS TO BEST LANCE AND SHARE OUR BOUNTY WITH HER. FIND THE UNICORN.
[X] VICTORY IS YOURS, AS ARE THIS GOURD OF RADICAL ALCOHOL AND THE PUNTED ONI WHO IS POWERLESS TO RESIST YOU. AS PART OF YOUR FLOCK, SHE MUST BE WELCOMED PROPERLY INTO THE EMPEROR'S LIGHT.
[X] VICTORY IS YOURS, AS ARE THIS GOURD OF RADICAL ALCOHOL AND THE PUNTED ONI WHO IS POWERLESS TO RESIST YOU. AS PART OF YOUR FLOCK, SHE MUST BE WELCOMED PROPERLY INTO THE EMPEROR'S LIGHT.
FUCK YEAH EXPLODEY CUNT-PUNT! I EXPECT EVEN MORE RADICAL BULLSHIT G.M.MARINE!
Suika emits a high-pitched, keening whine as she crumples forward, and starts sobbing quietly into the dirt.
I KIND OF FEEL BAD FOR HER, WE SHOULD USE OUR LOOT TO TAKE WORST OF THE PAIN AWAY.
I WONDER IF WE COULD SLAP THE PAIN AWAY, LIKE "PAIN, PAIN, FLY AWAY" KIND OF SHIT? This requires SCIENCE!
[X] VICTORY IS YOURS, AS ARE THIS GOURD OF RADICAL ALCOHOL AND THE PUNTED ONI WHO IS POWERLESS TO RESIST YOU. AS PART OF YOUR FLOCK, SHE MUST BE WELCOMED PROPERLY INTO THE EMPEROR'S LIGHT.
[X] NOW THAT YOU HAVE SHOWN YOUR MIGHT, HORN SOLO IS SURE TO JOIN YOUR CAUSE. GO FIND HER REAL QUICK AND GIVE HER SOME BOOZE, FOR THIS IS SURE TO SWAY HER.
SHE IS STILL ACCEPTABLY MUTANT, JUST LIKE OGRYN AND FELINIDS.
AND AS A NON-CHAOS POSSIBLE CONVERT OF GOD-EMPEROR WE ARE CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGED TO GIVE BOOZE TO DISTRACT HER FROM HAVING BEING CUNTPUNTED.
[X] NOW THAT YOU HAVE SHOWN YOUR MIGHT, HORN SOLO IS SURE TO JOIN YOUR CAUSE. GO FIND HER REAL QUICK AND GIVE HER SOME BOOZE, FOR THIS IS SURE TO SWAY HER.
I CAN ONLY IMAGINE HOW NOT HELPFUL THAT'LL BE COMING FROM A MUTHAFUCKA AS ANGRY AS THIS GUY.
No. 187015
File 145334780342.jpg- (646.05KB
, 1100x984
, HER SADNESS IS ENTIRELY DESERVED.jpg
)
[iqdb]
After a minute solid of trying to finish off this RADICAL LIQUOR without draining any appreciable amount of the gourd's contents, Suika's weeping slows to a halt. You pause in your drinking, grab one of her horns, and lift her off the ground. Her face is stained with tears and dirt, and all the fight seems to be taken out of her. She hiccups, avoiding looking at you as she dangles lopsidedly in your MIGHTY GRIP.
“OI,” you say, shaking her about. “NOW THAT VICTORY IS MINE, I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT YOU ARE NOT AS AWFUL WHEN YOU ARE NOT INSULTING ME OR BEING ANNOYING. NOW CHEER THE HELL UP.”
“Ffffffffffffffff-” she wheezes, before you stuff the gourd into her mouth.
“TO FACILITATE GOOD CHEER, HAVE SOME OF YOUR STRANGE ABHUMAN ALCOHOL,” you say, forcing her head back. She shuts her eyes and mutely accepts this blessing, her throat working as she guzzles the drink down. After she's had a sizable portion, you pull it loose and set her on the ground, where she falls flat on her ass and just kind of sways about. She's still crying a bit, which is expected of anyone who takes a POWER KICK to the crotch, but your vigorous application of alcohol seems to have stymied the worst of it.
Task complete, you return to your RECKLESS IMBIBING of foreign substances. You currently feel MILDLY INTOXICATED, but damned if you're not going to try and get even more sloshed if it's at all within your power.
“Fuuuuuuh,” Suika groans, tipping onto her back. “Yer a diiiiiiiiiiick, you know that?”
“AND YOU'RE A FUCKING MUTANT,” you retort, after you pry the gourd from your mouth with TITANIC EFFORT. “I DON'T OWE YOU SHIT EXCEPT A PUMMELING, SO BE FUCKING HAPPY I HAVEN'T GROUND YOUR FACE INTO HAMBURGER.”
“What's this about me being a mutant coming from?” she asks, propping herself up on her elbows and squinting at you.
“WELL, WITH YOUR TWO HORNS AND MUTANT STRENGTH AND SHAPESHIFTING AND SUSPICIOUSLY SORCEROUS PUNCH-BULLETS, YOU COULD BE SOME KIND OF CHAOS FAGGOT, BUT THOSE USUALLY HAVE MORE EYES AND LIMBS AND ARE FUCKING PRICKS WHO LITERALLY SUCK OUT YOUR SOUL AND FUCK IT IN THE SOUL-EYEBALLS. SINCE YOU HAVEN'T TRIED ANYTHING LIKE THAT, AND YOU LOOK PRETTY HUMAN OTHERWISE, I'M LIKE NINETY-NINE PERCENT SURE YOU'RE JUST SOME BIZARRE MUTATED OFFSHOOT OF PURESTREAM HUMANITY.”
Suika blinks, her head sloooowly tilting sideways. “But that's completely wr-”
“RIGHT, YES, AS BEFITS ONE OF THE EMPEROR'S ANGELS,” you continue, drowning her out with your mighty baritone. “I AM GLAD YOU UNDERSTAND THIS, YOU POOR, DELUDED, SOMEWHAT RETARDED CREATURE.”
“Hey!”
You raise a hand, palm out. “BUT WORRY NOT, FOR EVEN DEGENERATES SUCH AS YOURSELF HAVE A PLACE IN THE EMPEROR'S VISION.” On a completely different note, this weird-ass beer is TOTALLY RADICAL and you cannot get enough of it. “ALSO, NOW THAT I HAVE CLAIMED OWNERSHIP OF YOU THROUGH THIS CUNT-PUNT MOST RIGHTEOUS, I HAVE TO ASK: WHAT THE FUCK IS IN THIS GOURD THAT MAKES THIS DRINK SO POTENT?”
“Oh, that? There's a bug in there.”
“...ARE YOU GONNA ELABORATE, YOU SLOSHED PIECE OF SHIT?”
“He makes it really strong?” she hazards.
“FUCK IT, I'LL ALLOW IT.” Something else occurs, so you reach down and plant a palm on top of her head. “NOW AVE IMPERIUM, ETCETERA, ETCETERA. CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE A LOYAL SERVANT OF THE EMPEROR, PRAISE HIS NAME AND TRY NOT TO BE A FUCKING HERETIC, OTHERWISE I'LL PIN YOUR ASS TO A WALL AND SEE IF I CAN'T THROW HORN SOLO HORN-FIRST DIRECTLY INTO YOUR ANUS.”
“Horn Soloooooh you mean Yuugi,” Suika says, realization flitting across her slightly cross-eyed expression.
“THAT'S A SMART MUTIE,” you say, ruffling her hair. “SPEAKING OF, WE GOTTA GO GET HER NOW. I'VE ACQUIRED BEST CUDGEL, THEN YOU, THE PINT-SIZED PIPSQUEAK, AND NOW I MUST EXPAND MY ARMORY BY GETTING BEST LANCE, FOR LIVING WEAPONRY THAT DOESN'T WANT TO CORRUPT MY IMMORTAL SOUL IS KIND OF FUCKING HARD TO COME BY.”
“Bluh,” Suika says, flopping back down. “Just let me die.”
“FUCK THAT, BITCH, YOU'RE WORKING FOR THE BIG E NOW!” That said, you pick Suika up, sling her headfirst over your shoulder, and march out of the alley with PROPER DRINK in hand. At least, you try to march, but your first step is when ALL THIS ALCOHOL hits you like an exploding plasma gun, and you fall flat on your face.
“FUCK,” you say into the dirt, your world spinning.
“Oh god,” Suika rasps, for when you fell on your face you also fell on her lower half, and now she's pinned underneath your MASSIVE HUGE. “Why is my life pain?”
“THIS IS PENANCE,” you slur, turning your head to look at her, “FOR A LIFE WITHOUT THE EMPEROR.”
“Hnnnnnnnngh,” she replies, eyes bugging out as she tries and fails to pry you off her.
You try to push yourself up, but for whatever reason, your POWER LIMBS are being completely worthless.
__________
[X] GET THE FUCK UP, MARINE, YOU GIANT FLAMING ASSHOLE, THIS IS FUCKING DISGRACEFUL
[X] DRINK SOME MORE, FOR THIS IS SURE TO AID YOU IN YOUR QUEST
[X] TAKE AN ANGRY NAP AND ASSAULT THIS PROBLEM WITH RENEWED HATRED UPON AWAKENING
>>187015 [X] GET THE FUCK UP, MARINE, YOU GIANT FLAMING ASSHOLE, THIS IS FUCKING DISGRACEFUL
Get moving soldier, there's work to be done and asses to kick!
If we pass out now, our soldiers will always remember their first battle as the one where there commander had to be carried home by a bunch of pansy-ass mutant chicks.
[X] GET THE FUCK UP, MARINE, YOU GIANT FLAMING ASSHOLE, THIS IS FUCKING DISGRACEFUL
[X] DRINK SOME MORE, FOR THIS IS SURE TO AID YOU IN YOUR QUEST
No. 187374
File 145555270199.jpg- (93.13KB
, 480x640
, GENERALLY HAVING A BAD DAY.jpg
)
[iqdb]
For a brief, brief moment, you consider sleeping for a little while, just long enough to get your strength back, before the terrible, heretical implications of that sink in. That would be ADMITTING DEFEAT to this PANSY ALCOHOL that actually does a pretty good job of intoxicating you you're legit impressed but ANYWAY IT THINKS IT CAN FUCKING BEAT YOU AND THAT JUST AIN'T RIGHT.
So you should probably do something to fix this because it feels like you HAVE been laying around for SEVERAL WEEKS and that's really starting to GET ON YOUR NERVES.
“COME ON YOU TWIG ARMS,” you growl, pushing every last ounce of your TERRIBLE RAGE into your mighty thews, this newfound anger lending you supreme power as it overpowers the haze of BUG BOOZE. “FUCKING WORK ALREADY, GOD DAMN.”
“I'm dead,” Suika wheezes, her futile attempts to push you off still hilarious. “I'm dead and this is my hell.”
“FUKKEN DUH THIS IS YOUR HELL, YOU STUPID COCKMONGLER, THAT'S LITERALLY WHERE WE'RE AT.” Her immense idiocy is FUCKING INFURIATING; how the fuck are you supposed to trust any of these tiny bitches to SERVE THE EMPEROR when they can't even remember where they live?
In fact, it's THAT annoying that you're able to shove yourself to your knees through the power of rage so hot it feels like your hearts are going to explode from your chest and level a city block, and from there it's an easy task to get back on your feet.
“YES” you triumphantly yell at the crushed pipsqueak, who's just kind of laying there with her eyes screwed shut and a look of great sadness on her face. “YOUR ALCOHOL IS WEAK, YOUR LINEAGE IS WEAK, AND YOU WILL NOT SURVIVE THE WINTER UNLESS YOU STEP IT THE FUCK UP.”
You make to pick her up and nearly fall down again, but time you halt yourself and focus on how everything around you is one big hazy blur. You gotta fight this fucking thing, and you know how to do that perfectly well. “GOD DAMN IT LEGS, YOU AIN'T FUCKING UP ANY MORE, NOT TODAY! TODAY YOU SERVE THE EMPEROR! SPINE, HOLD MY BACK STRAIGHT. LEGS, STOP TRIPPING OVER YOURSELVES. LIVER, PUNCH THROUGH THIS FUCKING ALCOHOL ALREADY GODDAMN YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS. ARMS, REACH DOWN SO MY FISTS CAN PICK UP THE TINY BITCH AND ALSO THAT AMAZING BOOZE.”
Your shouting seems to do the trick of motivating all your separate bits to do their FUCKING JOBS, as you do everything you just said you would; picking Suika up and tossing her over your shoulder is easy, because she's way too crushed physically and mentally to do anything but gasp for air, and the gourd goes SOMEWHERE UNIMPORTANT BUT SECURE on your person.
“MUH SHOULDERSH SHALL SEFFGURD – FUCKING LIPS, GET BACK TO ENUNCIATING PROPERLY – MY SHOULDER SHALL SAFEGUARD YOU AS WE TRAVEL,” you say, stumbling towards the alley's exit. “ON PAIN OF ASS-KICKING. I DON'T THINK THEY EVEN HAVE ASSES BUT I WILL FIND A WAY TO KICK THEM.”
“Shoulder don't into real,” Suika manages. You think you may have given the poor dumbass PERMANANT BRAIN DAMAGE.
“I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT IS AN EMPRAH-DAMNED PART OF ME AND SO IT DOES INTO REAL, YOU SHIT,” you reply, finally making it out onto the city streets once again.
CONVENIENTLY, Yuugi is waiting for you, alongside interested passers-by hanging back to see you in all your magnificent radiance. She looks both impressed at your haul and mildly concerned about where Suika's perched.
“WHAT UP HORN SOLO,” you say.
Yuugi looks nonplussed. “What?”
“I CALL YOU THIS BECAUSE I HAVE HORN DUO HERE.” You indicate Suika, who waves feebly in return. “SO, AS I SAID ALREADY, LADY UNICORN, WHAT UP?”
Yuugi's eyes narrow in what is probably irritation. “You can't just keep giving people nicknames.”
IS THIS BITCH FOR SERIOUS. “WHO SAYS I CAN'T?”
“Me, for one? I don't really like being called a unicorn.”
“UNICORNS ARE ABSOLUTELY PRECIOUS, YOU FUCK, AND ALSO VALIANT STEEDS FOR THEY CAN GORE ASSHOLES IN THE ASSHOLE. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU THAT THIS NAME IS BAD?”
“Well, I don't want it, and I don't have to take it.” She folds her arms, and your eyes are drawn to her MIGHTY MUSCLES. “So I won't.”
-----
[X] NO NO NO HOLD THE FUCK UP THIS IS A FALSE ASSUMPTION SHE'S OPERATING ON, THINKING SHE CAN TELL YOU WHAT TO DO, AND IT NEEDS FIXING WITH WORDS
[X] LET'S JUST PUNCH HER AND GET ON WITH IT; YOU GOT TWO CARRYING SHOULDERS FOR A REASON, AFTER ALL
[X] LET'S JUST PUNCH HER AND GET ON WITH IT; YOU GOT TWO CARRYING SHOULDERS FOR A REASON, AFTER ALL
JUST BECAUSE WE'RE WASTED DOESN'T MEAN WE CAN'T KICK YOUR ASS. HECK, EVEN YOU ABHUMANS WOULD CONSIDER THAT A POOR EXCUSE, WHAT WITH ALL THE DRICKING AND FIGHTING YOU DO.
YOU KNOW WHAT PISSES ME OFF MORE THAN YOU BUMPING THIS? YOU CALLING ME PLATEMASK! JUST BECAUSE WE BOTH USE STRATEGIC EMPHASIS AND ALL-CAPS DOESN'T MAKE US THE SAME NIGGER, YOU NIGGER.
EXPECT AN UPDATE TONIGHT NOW THAT YOU MADE ME SO FUCKING MAD, EVEN, HOLY SHIT!
Yeah, he tried calling me Platemask, too, simply due to excessive italics usage. The character kinda required it to stress her odd way of talking.
No. 187550
File 145638146671.jpg- (362.16KB
, 948x1199
, SHE MUST REALLY NOT LIKE UNICORNS.jpg
)
[iqdb]
These are the facts as you understand them.
One: you are DRUNK, which means your body is actually HAVING SOME FUCKING TROUBLE doing the things you want it to do.
Two: Yuugi possesses RADICAL MUSCLES, and can punch you through buildings. This would normally not dissuade you at all but for the first point.
Three: you have a MINUSCULE MUTANT on your shoulder, and getting into a fight might DAMAGE HER IRREPABRLY, which would be a TOTAL WASTE after all the bullshit you went through to get her.
Three- no, wait, you're miscounting, that's FOUR: WORDS ALONE can be a weapon as effective, if not more so, than straight-up pummeling a motherfucker – Chaos niggers routinely try to PSYCH YOU OUT by yelling HEINOUS SHIT about the Emperor and the Chapter and pretty much everything else a good servant of the Emperor holds dear, but those pussified excuses for Space Marines ain't got SHIT on a wrathful Angry Marine (which is to say, an Angry Marine), and you're more than glad to demonstrate.
You raise a power finger and set it to crackling, the better to impose authority on this lawless shithole. “LISTEN HERE, HORSESLUT-”
“Excuse me?” Yuugi says, scowling.
“SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN, YOU FUCKING ASSGRATER – ANYWAY, NICKNAMES ARE GREAT. TITLES ARE GREAT. WE HAVE 'SUPREME LARGE FURIOUS FUCKER OF THE TYRANIDS' IN MY CHAPTER, FOR ONE. YOU CAN'T TELL ME THAT ISN'T A FUCKING AWESOME TITLE.”
“I-” She sucks her lips in, eyebrows furrowing, and thinks on this for a moment. “...Okay, that's kinda cool.”
“YA DAMN RIGHT.”
“Blergh,” Suika groans, evidently deciding to make herself part of this conversation. “Does he fuck these... 'Tyranids'?”
“YOU MEAN DID HE FUCK THE TYRANIDS. PAST TENSE. FUCKER BLEW UP THE PLANET HE WAS ON BECAUSE HE GOT SO GODDAMN ANGRY, WHICH IS A SHAME BECAUSE A PSYCHOPATH AS ACCOMPLISHED AS HE WAS IS HARD TO COME BY.”
Yuugi and Suika share a look. “Huh,” they both say.
“SO RIGHT NOW THE TITLE IS VACANT BUT I THINK I MIGHT APPLY AFTER I GET OUT OF THIS SHIT-ASS HELL.” You pause. “ALSO THE ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION IS YES, BY THE WAY, INSOMUCH AS HE FISTED 'NID ASSHOLES SO HARD THEY EXPLODED, THEN FISTED HEADS SO HARD THEY WERE SHOVED OUT THEIR ASSHOLES.”
Suika stares up at you through unfocused eyes. “Why do you have such a fixation on people's assholes?”
“'NIDS AIN'T PEOPLE, DUMBFUCK!” you retort, ramming your face against hers to achieve maximum shoutiness. “THEY'RE GIANT SPACE BUGS THAT EAT ALL YOUR SHIT AND SPEW ACID LIKE TOTAL PRICKS! BE FUCKING GRATEFUL ME AND MY BATTLE-BROTHERS FUCK UP THEIR ANUSES FOR YOU!”
“That's great and all,” Yuugi says, completely unimpressed as you whip around to glare at her, leaving a deafened Suika to be deeply sad, “but I still don't see why I should let you call me a unicorn.”
“OH MY FUCKING GOD-EMPEROR,” you breathe out, stalking towards her. “ARE WE SERIOUSLY BACK HERE AGAIN? HAVE YOU- HAVE YOU NOT LISTENED TO A SINGLE ONE OF THE WORDS I'VE BEEN SHOUTING AT YOUR RETARD FACE? ANY OF THEM?” You stop within punching range, because if this keeps up you're gonna fuckin' deck her right good. “YOU ARE A TRULY EXCEPTIONAL WASTE OF HUMAN DNA, AND THAT SAYS A SHITLOAD WHEN YOU'RE ALREADY AN ABHUMAN PIECE OF-”
FUCKING HELL SHE JUST UPPERCUTTED YOU AND YOU'RE AIRBORNE AGAIN EMPEROR HOW ARE YOU THIS HIGH UP HOLY SHIT EVERYTHING'S SO TINY
And then, to compound shit further, that punch sent Suika flying off your shoulder, which you only notice when you hear her inconsolable wailing a distance off and spy her falling the opposite direction from Yuugi, who is also VERY SMALL from your vantage point.
“GRAVITY, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO” you yell as it exerts its terrible hold, and as you start plummeting you are faced with a DILEMMA.
A DILEMMA ABOUT BITCHES. __________
[X] SUCH A TERRIBLE ASSAULT CANNOT BE LEFT UNANSWERED, AND BY THE EMPEROR YOU'RE NOT ONE TO LEAVE YUUGI UNPULVERIZED IF YOU CAN HELP IT
[X] AN ONI IN THE AIR IS WORTH MORE THAN ELBOW-DROPPING A SECOND ONE – YUUGI'LL GET HERS SOME OTHER TIME, BUT SUIKA IS TINY AND FRAGILE AND MUST BE GRABBED BEFORE SHE WRECKS HER SHIT ON THE GROUND
[X] AN ONI IN THE AIR IS WORTH MORE THAN ELBOW-DROPPING A SECOND ONE – YUUGI'LL GET HERS SOME OTHER TIME, BUT SUIKA IS TINY AND FRAGILE AND MUST BE GRABBED BEFORE SHE WRECKS HER SHIT ON THE GROUND
[X] AN ONI IN THE AIR IS WORTH MORE THAN ELBOW-DROPPING A SECOND ONE – YUUGI'LL GET HERS SOME OTHER TIME, BUT SUIKA IS TINY AND FRAGILE AND MUST BE GRABBED BEFORE SHE WRECKS HER SHIT ON THE GROUND
[X] AN ONI IN THE AIR IS WORTH MORE THAN ELBOW-DROPPING A SECOND ONE – YUUGI'LL GET HERS SOME OTHER TIME, BUT SUIKA IS TINY AND FRAGILE AND MUST BE GRABBED BEFORE SHE WRECKS HER SHIT ON THE GROUND
[X] CANNONBALL
THIS SHIT IS OUR SHIT! WE DON'T LET NOBODY FUCK UP OUR SHIT! ONCE OUR SHIT IS UNFUCKED, LET'S FUCK UP HER SHIT!
[X] AN ONI IN THE AIR IS WORTH MORE THAN ELBOW-DROPPING A SECOND ONE – YUUGI'LL GET HERS SOME OTHER TIME, BUT SUIKA IS TINY AND FRAGILE AND MUST BE GRABBED BEFORE SHE WRECKS HER SHIT ON THE GROUND
>>187540 ANYTHING THAT GETS AN UPDATE OUT OF YOU FUCKWAD
>>187550 [X] AN ONI IN THE AIR IS WORTH MORE THAN ELBOW-DROPPING A SECOND ONE – YUUGI'LL GET HERS SOME OTHER TIME, BUT SUIKA IS TINY AND FRAGILE AND MUST BE GRABBED BEFORE SHE WRECKS HER SHIT ON THE GROUND
[X] AN ONI IN THE AIR IS WORTH MORE THAN ELBOW-DROPPING A SECOND ONE – YUUGI'LL GET HERS SOME OTHER TIME, BUT SUIKA IS TINY AND FRAGILE AND MUST BE GRABBED BEFORE SHE WRECKS HER SHIT ON THE GROUND
OH SUCK A COCK WHILE I GET BACK INTO THE GROOVE, FAGLORD SUPREME
ALSO HOLY FUCK HAS IT REALLY BEEN OVER TWO WEEKS SINCE THE LAST UPDATE HOW THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN
__________
For a moment you are mighty tempted to powerbomb Yuugi as righteous payback, but this whole situation reminds you of Battle-Brother Overconfidence.
“DOYOU” he would say. “DOYOU, THROW ME AT THOSE FAGGOTS OVER THERE”
And you would reply “FUCK YEAH, BROTHER” and throw him at things like WARBOSSES and BLOODTHIRSTERS and HIVE TYRANTS and C'TAN SHARDS and other EXTREMELY DANGEROUS SHIT and he would PULVERIZE THEM with his POWER FISTS. The marine was an ARTIST when it came to shit-wrecking.
And then he got launched at a Great Unclean One and it cleaved him in half mid-flight, which didn't stop him from clinging to the fucker's face and punching it even then, but still, the moral of this story is that you should continue to be TOTALLY AWESOME so you can get a set of RAD BIONIC LEGS. You put it on your to-do list for when you get back to the Chapter, because to get de-legged right here would mean you'd have to stick, like, peg-legs in the stumps instead, and that shit just would not DO.
NONE OF THIS is relevant to your dilemma about BITCHES, but fuck it, the TINY ONE is going to have a nasty meeting with the ground unless you interfere, and after the shit you went through to get her on your team in the first place, that's UNACC-FUCKING-EPTABLE. You veer over to her as you plummet, snatch her FRAGILE ASS out of free fall, and then spin around to face the underground's ceiling just before you smash through a building.
“FUCK,” you say, staring up at the DOYOU-SHAPED HOLE in the roof from inside this DOYOU-SHAPED PIT you just made through the force of impact.
“ow,” Suika concurs, wrapped in your HUGE ARMS, and the fact that she can concur is proof enough that you have SAVED THE DAY. Heads peek over the pit, fairies and oni and so on, and the girls raise a cheer when they see you because APPARENTLY you landed right back where your YUUGI ENCOUNTER started.
“WHAT UP, MY BITCHES?” you ask, holding Suika up for all to see. “SAY HELLO TO YOUR NEWEST FRIEND!”
“Hi!” says one of the fairies, merrily waving her cup about, and then she topples out of view from the power of ALCOHOL. Suika makes a quiet noise of distress, but you can't really find it in you to care.
__________
[X] YOU HAVE A GOURD THAT SUPERCHARGES BOOZE AND YOU'VE ACCESS TO AS MUCH BEER AS YOU COULD POSSIBLY WANT, SO PARTY HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD
[X] OKAY, SUIKA'S SAVED, GO HUNT YUUGI DOWN AND TEABAG HER FOR USING YOU AS THE FIRST TEST SUBJECT IN THE ONI SPACE PROGRAM
>>187710 It's been confirmed, all you need to do to get GMM to update is to bump with significant anger
[X] YOU HAVE A GOURD THAT SUPERCHARGES BOOZE AND YOU'VE ACCESS TO AS MUCH BEER AS YOU COULD POSSIBLY WANT, SO PARTY HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD
[x] SUIKA IS SAVED GO INVENT THE YUUGI SPACE PROGRAM
And by that, I mean a rimjob so satisfying your ass will be shinier than the lubricated oil abs of a Custodes at friday night fever.
Also, reminder that Yuugi has the ability to manipulate random Supernatural phenomena, which basically translates to as Perils of the Warp but maybe a bit more like you're playing a Wild mage in D&D with a bit of probability manipulation in there for only "shit everyone else considers to be uncommon or weird" Next to her !NotTohnoAkia's fire heat bullshit powers.
TELL HER NOTHING ABOUT THE DARK POWERS, OR ANYONE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER, THAT SPELLS IRREVERSIBLE BAD END FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED.
AND ESPECIALLY DO NOT MENTION TZEENTCH, BECAUSE I'D HAVE TO POST A WALL OF TEXT ABOUT PASSIVE BRAINSTORMING I DID ON HOW THIS ALL FITS AND THEN YOU'D HAVE TO TAKE 5 TO READ IT ALL LIKE like a BOOKWHORE TO UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH YOU WOULD HAVE COCKED SHIT UP YOU MISERABLE PILE OF MUSTARD FUCK-PLATE.
[X] YOU HAVE A GOURD THAT SUPERCHARGES BOOZE AND YOU'VE ACCESS TO AS MUCH BEER AS YOU COULD POSSIBLY WANT, SO PARTY HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD
[X] OKAY, SUIKA'S SAVED, GO HUNT YUUGI DOWN AND TEABAG HER FOR USING YOU AS THE FIRST TEST SUBJECT IN THE ONI SPACE PROGRAM
THERE IS NO REASON TO DO BOTH IN THIS SITUATION, THIS IS A MOVING PARTY WARBAND NOW ALL HERETICS GET STEAMROLLED IN THE PROCESS.
THREE. WEEKS. IT'S BEEN THREE GODDAMN WEEKS YOU FUCKING LOSER. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER CLEAR YOUR SIGHTS.Or keep writing Anchorage that's acceptable too
SEIZE THIS MARINE AND FORCE HIM TO WRITE!
AND GET WRITING YOURSELVES!
No. 188010
File 146121995541.jpg- (316.41KB
, 1012x880
, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SMILING ABOUT.jpg
)
[iqdb]
OBVIOUSLY I CANNOT BE TRUSTED TO KEEP TO A SCHEDULE WITHOUT SOME KIND OF DOOM HANGING OVERHEAD, BUT FUCK IT, BETTER EVENTUALLY THAN NEVER. AND BETTER DAILY THAN EVENTUALLY, BUT, YOU KNOW, FUCK ME.
ALSO YOU DUDES DOING THE ENRAGING BUMPS, YOU'RE A BUNCHA DILDOES, BUT COOL DILDOES. KEEP THAT SHIT UP.
__________
“OKAY SO HERE'S WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN,” you say, battling through a few false starts before you pry yourself out of the hole, because EMPRAH PROTECT YOU the alcohol's hitting you hard again after that landing. “YOU NERDS KEEP AN EYE ON HER.” You plunk Suika on a table. “I AM GOING OUT AGAIN, AND I'M GONNA PUNT THAT SCROTUM GARGLING SPUNK HUFFER INTO SPACE.”
“Who now?” asks a fairy from all the way in the back, standing on both legs despite the fact that she's clutching two large and empty bottles of booze, which given her size should be putting her straight on the floor.
“WHO HERE KNOWS THE NAME YUUGI?” you ask. “BECAUSE IT'S GOING TO BE ON A CASKET IN ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.”
“Oh, her!” says the fairy. “But you'll die if you go after her, won't you?”
“BY FUCK YOU'RE LUCKY YOU'RE BACK THERE, BECAUSE I'D HAVE ALREADY KICKED YOU SO FUCKING HARD YOU'D ALREADY BE ON THE SURFACE WORLD IF YOU WEREN'T. ANYWAY I FEAR NO DEATH, FOR I AM FEAR INCARNATE, AND ALSO I'LL DAMN WELL TAKE HER DOWN WITH ME IF IT COMES DOWN TO IT.”
“But you'd still be dead,” she points out.
“YEAH WHATEVER. ARE YOU GONNA HELP ME OUT HERE OR WHAT?”
“Well I dunno if you're gonna punt me or anything if I get close, now.”
You think about your previous words and conclude that she has a point about that, and also conclude you don't give a fuck, stomping through the crowd and shoving dudes outta the way until you reach the girl and grab her ENTIRE HEAD.
“Aieeeeee?” she says, muffled in your FISTY HAND, but you ignore her, instead looking around at the crowd to confirm everyone is going to obey your commands. You take note of how Best Cudgel is still laid out (the fairy keeping an eye on her is doing a GOOD JOB, whatever her name is), and that about concludes your investigation, yep, so you bail on this joint with a yell of “HAVE FUN, ASSHOLES!” as you leap through a wall.
You land on your face in the street full of DRUNKEN ONI and that TACO SALESMAN, push yourself up, and hold your FAIRY TRACKER in front of your face as you walk on. “YOU KNOW WHAT YUUGI LOOKS LIKE, RIGHT?” you ask, stepping on a plastered dude's head and planting him deep in the ground as you go.
“Mm-hm!” says your fist's passenger.
“GOOD! GO HUNT!” You haul back and pitch the little shithead up, up, and away – she takes a few seconds to reorient before she steadies herself mid-flight.
“CONVENIENTLY!” she yells, pointing down ahead of you. “THERE SHE IS!”
You look where she's pointing, have a moment to say “EXCUSE MEGFOCVX”, and then you're flying, because you just got punched INNAFUCKINGFACE AGAIN.
'CONVENIENTLY THERE SHE IS' IN-FUCKING-DEED.
You hit the ground, roll along a ways, and come up on your feet full of hatred and blurry vision, because the cranial trauma just seems to be stacking up for you today, isn't it?
“Yo, I'm here to break you!” the blur that is Yuugi yells, her cheery voice ringing in your ears and bouncing in your brain with all the noise of a Krak grenade going off next to your head.
Speaking of heads, you toss yourself headfirst through the air at the white and blue and gold blur that generally makes up her color scheme with a yell of “HEY HOWDY HI WHAT'S UP EAT MY FUCKING FACE!”
Your MISSILE HEADBUTT carries you through the air, and then more air, and still more air because Yuugi just sidestepped, and what the fuck is that about, how fucking dare she, you think as you hit the ground hard and dig a nice long trench through the dirt with your MEGAPOWERSLIDE.
“FUCK'S SAKE,” you belt out, rolling onto your back, grabbing a DRUNK ASSHOLE'S leg, and straight-up lob that son of a bitch towards the person you hate most in life right now. Yuugi bitchslaps him through a building, but you're already on your feet by the time she's on you, and this time you catch her fist in your much bigger one. Undeterred, she takes a swing at you with her other fist, but you catch that one too. This close, you can actually see the annoyance flit across her face, which currently has a red square overlaying it in your visor's display with a helpful label of 'WHY THE FUCK IS THIS STILL INTACT, YOU RETARD'.
“SILLY BITCH,” you intone, and then she drives a knee into your groin with all the explosive force of a melta bomb. The next noise that slips out through your grinding teeth is a hideously pained “HRRRRRRRRGH” as your legs buckle and your knees hit the ground, leaving you eye to eye with this TURBO CUNT that doesn't know when to fucking quit.
“You're a tough one!” she says, baring teeth as she glares you down. “I like it!”
You manage an angry grunt, even if it comes out several octaves higher than normal.
“I mean, I'm still gonna break you,” she continues, ignoring whatever noises you make. “You can't just go around insulting me and not expect that.”
That's when she rams her head horn-first into yours, which sends you from kneeling to flat on your back without apparently crossing any space in between. You'll have to investigate these SPACE-TIME ANOMALIES when you're not getting your shit pushed in by this ABOMINABLE DEVIANT.
Speaking of, she leans overhead, waving a hand in front of her face. “Did I knock you out?” When you fail to move, she cracks a grin. “Holy shit, I knocked you out! Ha!”
Her PREMATURE CELEBRATION is getting you fired up for another go, but the question is how you're gonna kick off your EXTREME REVENGEANCE. Soon as you work through how your entire world is HIDEOUS ANGUISH, anyway.
__________
[X] NO ONE EXPECTS THE ACID
[X] BREAK HER LEG. BREAK BOTH, EVEN. ARMS TOO. IN FACT JUST BREAK EVERYTHING
[X] TRY OUT THAT EXPLODING PUNCH THING AGAIN, THAT'S A NEAT TRICK
That looks about right. While breaking things is inevitable in our line of work, it isn't really our MO. I wouldn't want to step on the toes of the better qualified, professional breakers out there.
It would be like if some crumbs snatching chuckelfuck decided to start calling himself the angriest motherfucker ever. Clearly, DOYOU would take issue with someone stealing his gig.
There is merit to being a SNEAKY FUCK, so long as it ultimately leads to a SURPRISE FISTING. To speed this holy task along, you cough in not-at-all-feigned pain, which causes Yuugi to lean in a little. “Okay, okay, so you're not out. Still, you done?”
“FFFFFFFUCK NO,” you wheeze, which is also not faked, because even though the EMPEROR PROTECTS, PAIN still fucking HURTS. “WHAT, YOU THINK I'M SOME KIND OF PANSY-ASS QUITTER? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?”
“Most people would be tapping out right now, yeah.”
“WOW, YOU'RE A CUNT.”
Yuugi answers that by stomping down on your chest hard enough to put you half into the ground, which is A: REALLY IMPRESSIVE and B: FUCKING AGONIZING.
“I'm just gonna keep doing this, you know,” she says, grinding her sandal into your chestplate's Imperial Aquila, and your blood pressure spikes to heretofore UNFELT LEVELS at this TERRIBLE SACRILEGE.
“HEY,” you grind out, mouth-grille retracting as you suck in air through clenched teeth. “GUESS WHAT?”
Yuugi's cocky expression grows wary, but she doesn't remove her foot – her mistake. “What?”
You hock up a gob of projectile acid ALL OVER her face, the green goop sizzling as she reels back screeching murder, features deforming under your MASSIVELY DEADLY BETCHER'S GLAND ASSAULT.
“I CAST ACID IN ATTACK MODE!” you howl, rolling aside to avoid a blind stomp that would have pulped your skull, and come up on your feet because you SENSE WEAKNESS, and a true Marine SEIZES THE FUCKING LIGHTNING when it strikes; fortunately, you've ALREADY GOT THE LIGHTNING. IN YOUR FISTS. BECAUSE POWER FISTS.
Yuugi roars something incoherent at you (her face melting might have something to do with that), and throws herself at you in a mad, rabid charge, but you dig in your heels and arrange a meeting between her face and your CERAMITE UPPERCUT. It's a damn good thing you did dig in your heels, because the resulting PUNCHSPLOSION damn near knocks you off your feet, and it DEFINITELY sends Yuugi into the fucking STRATOSPHERE (figuratively speaking because you're underground and shit). As she flies off into the distance, hollering all the while, you raise a hand over your eyes and squint at the rapidly shrinking figure.
SURELY THIS IS THE LAST YOU WILL SEE OF HER.
Something pokes the back of your leg.
“WHAAAAAAAAAAT” you shout, spinning around with a crackling fist raised.
You may be a bit ON EDGE.
The poker in question, that fairy with BOSS scribbled on her forehead, freezes, staring up at you with big, stunned eyes. Behind her is PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE STILL CONSCIOUS from inside the bar: fairies, oni, a shell-shocked Suika clinging to a madly giggling Best Cudgel for support, et cetera. They are all varying degress of SHOCKED and AWED, save aforementioned Best Cudgel.
You lower your fist.
Everything is very quiet.
…
…
…
Best Cudgel hiccups, then sloppily smacks her hands together – the resulting clap echoes through the air for several long, long seconds.
And then everyone else starts clapping too.
“UH,” you say, as the resulting CLAPSTORM drowns out everything else, and then you shrug. “FUCK IT.” You lift your fists up in the air, taking in the adulation that only comes from doling out a proper ass-whuppin'. “VICTORYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY” __________
[X] HOW LONG HAS THIS DRAGGED ON AGAIN? LET'S SKIP AHEAD A BIT TO THE AFTERMATH OF EVERYTHING, THIS SHIT'S TAKING TOO LONG
[X] THERE IS SOMETHING ELSE YOU MUST DO – NOW IF ONLY YOU KNEW WHAT THE FUCK IT WAS. MAYBE IT'LL COME TO YOU IF YOU THINK REALLY HARD [WRITE-IN]
__________
[X] HOW LONG HAS THIS DRAGGED ON AGAIN? LET'S SKIP AHEAD A BIT TO THE AFTERMATH OF EVERYTHING, THIS SHIT'S TAKING TOO LONG
-[X] BUT BEFORE MOVING ON WE MUST HOLD A SERMON TOUTING GOD-EMPERORS GREATNESS AND ASSIGN SPIRITUAL GOVERNANCE OF THE NEWLY CONVERTED FAITHFUL TO SOMEONE WHO CAN BOTH BEAT DOWN HERETICS AND BECOME THE PRIEST UNDERGROUND NEITHER WANTED NOR NEEDED, BUT GETS NONETHELESS
NOW THAT WE HAVE FINALLY ASSERTED OUR DOMINANCE OVER UNDERGROUND (SAVE FOR THE BRIDGE), WE CAN FINALLY MOVE ON TO OVERWORLD TO HORRIFY SOFT AGRI-WORLDERS WITH OUR EXCESSIVE VIOLENCE AND CONVERT THEM FROM PUSSY-ASS DRAGON WORSHIPPING TO GOOD AND PROPER EMPWEROR-WORSHIPING!
>>188073 [X] THERE IS SOMETHING ELSE YOU MUST DO – NOW IF ONLY YOU KNEW WHAT THE FUCK IT WAS. MAYBE IT'LL COME TO YOU IF YOU THINK REALLY HARD [WRITE-IN]
-[X]FIND BEST LANCE, COMMENCE WITH RECRUITING INTO THE EMPEROR'S SERVICE
I HEREBY DECLARE THAT WE MUST BE IN THE UNDERGROUND LONGER THAN WE WERE IN DtRT.
WELL WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS. AN UPDATE BEFORE I HAD TO ANGRY BUMP. KEEP IT UP SHITHEAD.
[x] WHEN DO WE SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY AGAIN? I'VE ALREADY VISITED EVERY HOUSE TWENTY-SEVEN TIMES.
[x] CAN WE TAKE OVER THE WORLD ABOVE WITH OUR ARMY IN THE NAME OF THE GOD-EMPEROR?
>>188171 >>188141 YOU FUCKING DEGENERATE BASTARDS, IT'S TOO EARLY! ANGRY BUMPING IS A PRECISE SCIENCE, RESEARCHED AND CREATED THROUGH GENERATIONS OF BLOOD, SWEAT, AND GENESEED! I LEAVE FOR FUCKING FOUR DAYS AND THIS SHIT HAPPENS. GODDAMNIT YOU INCOMPETANT FUCKWADS IF IT HAPPENS TOO OFTEN IT BECOMES ANNOYING, WHICH IS COUNTER-FUCKING-INTUITIVE YOU SHITHEADS
Let's not annoy sights into not writing out of spite, okay?
No. 188821
File 146458668527.jpg- (147.20KB
, 800x800
, EVERY TIME SHE'S MISSING MORE CLOTHES.jpg
)
[iqdb]
IF THE MOTHERFUCKING FALLOUT GENSOKYO GUY CAN COME BACK, I CAN MANAGE A GODDAMN UPDATE FOR A STUPID AS HELL STORY ABOUT AN ANGRY GOLDEN GIANT PUNCHING TOUHOUS AND SWEARING INDISCRIMINATELY
>Let's not annoy sights into not writing out of spite, okay?
AND I WOULD NEVER NOT UPDATE OUT OF SPITE, WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I AM? I'M LAZY, NOT AN ASSHOLE
__________
You and your COHORT OF BITCHES take care of a bunch of important things regarding your NEWFOUND CONTROL of the city, because now that you've smacked Yuugi into Underground Orbit pretty much everyone thinks you are RAD and AWESOME. Mostly you just sermonize about the Emperor and why people should be cool with him and the oni here are all 'hmm yes this Emperor seems like a good fighty chap doesn't he' after you beat the shit outta whoever disagrees with you.
Along the way, you end up hunting for the MELTED LANCE-I-CORN, but Yuugi is NOWHERE TO BE FOUND and after a little while you get REALLY BORED and decide that you'll just let other dudes look for her corpse, because SCAVENGER HUNTS are NOT YOUR JAM.
Once you do that, you hunt down ALL YOUR PETS, from NAVIGATORS to CATGIRLS (you end up having to pry a homicidal Satori off of Miss Cuddles for REASONS UNKNOWN TO YOU, although Satori was ranting something about HORRIBLE PORNOGRAPHY) to CROWGIRLS, the LAST OF WHICH proves damnably difficult to find until you ask around about that POINTY-EARED BITCH you last saw her with, which leads you to ditch your GROUPIES in favor of a SOLO MISSION to this little shack by the BRIDGE that crosses a RIVER that LEADS OUT OF THE CITY.
You end up STEALTHILY peeking through a window to see a FAGGOT ELF covered in improvised bandages as she dozes in bed – ALONGSIDE A MISS SUNSHINE ENTIRELY IN HER UNDERWEAR.
“WHAT TERRIBLE LESBIAN SEDUCTIONS HAVE I MISSED” you yell, leaping through the window with a great shattering of glass, a much greater shriek of terror from the Eldar, and a cheery wave from the crow.
“AIEEEEEEEEEEEE” screams the ELF BITCH, who tries to flee the bed but finds her progress stymied by SURPRISE CROW HUG, so you seize this opportunity to loom EXTRA INTIMIDATINGLY over her.
“Heeeyooooo~” says Sunshine, smiling innocently up at you as her wings curl around both her and her struggling elvish victim.
“WHY ARE YOU SO NAKED?” you yell, because depending on what lead up to this situation you may have to PUNCH AN ELF. You might just do that anyway because FUCK ELDAR (AND NOT IN THE FUN PURGING WAY), but for now, RESTRAINT.
“Parsee drank a lot! Then she got in a fight!” Sunshine pats the bit of green skirt serving as an eyepatch for the blonde. “...Lots of fights!”
“EEEEEEEEEEYAGH?” Parsee confirms, trying to break loose and having no luck.
“SHUT UP YOU FUCKIN' DEGENERATE I AIN'T TALKING TO YOU YET.” She stops screaming, which is good, so you turn back to your pet. “SO HOW MANY FIGHTS ARE WE TALKING HERE”
“Enough that I almost ran out of clothes to bandage her with!” says Sunshine.
“WITH YOU I AM NOT ENTIRELY SURE THAT'S A LOT. BUT I'M STILL SEEING SOME THINGS THAT COULD USE PATCHING UP ON HER AND YET YOU STILL HAVE UNDERCLOTHES ON, WHICH I DIDN'T THINK WOULD STOP YOU.”
Sunshine winks. “Full nudity's for the special editions only, Master Evenliftimus!”
You slap a POWER PALM against your head, entirely on purpose, because the resulting LOCALIZED EXPLOSION on your FACE is the only way to accurately convey how EMPEROR-DAMNED TIRED you are of this bird being a TOTAL DUMBASS. “FUCKING HELL,” you say, shaking off your aforementioned FACESPLOSION. “WHY DO I GET ALL THE FREAKS?”
“Is it because you fuck hell?” Sunshine innocently posits.
You raise a POWER FINGER, pause, and hold that position as you think really hard on this one. “...HOW THE FUCK DID YOU EVEN GET THAT IDEA?”
Before she can answer, Parsee stops screaming, the better to stare at you in wide-eyed terror. “Wha- this's- but my house-”
“I REMEMBER TELLING YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP, SO WHY AM I HEARING SOUNDS COMING FROM YOUR MOUTH?” Parsee quiets down again, which gives you time to focus back on that stupid goddamned bird. “YO, SUNSHINE, ALMOST YOUR ENTIRE SKIN IS SHOWING; GO PUT CLOTHES ON SO YOU CAN BE RESPECTABLE.”
Or she could tear off even more and be this place's first SISTER REPENTIA, but you don't think she has the right temperament for it, plus you'd need to inscribe all the proper PENITENT LITERATURE on the scrolls she'd have to wear as her official uniform, and that's a REALLY FUCKING PAINSTAKING PROCESS AND YOU DON'T GOT TIME FOR THAT SHIT.
“Okay, okay, I getcha!” Sunshine bails on the bed in search of replacement clothes, which leaves you alone with a terrorized Paruwoman (YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY THAT NAME STUCK IN YOUR HEAD BUT IT SEEMS FITTING).
“SO.” You lean in until you're looming right over Parsee's face. “DID YOU DO ANYTHING TO DELIBERATELY GET HER TO EXPOSE HERSELF.”
Parsee blinks, considering your giant fists and their proximity to her face. “...I don't understand?”
“A DUMBASS'S PURITY IS AT STAKE HERE, YOU WASTED BITCH. WORSE, SHE'S MY DUMBASS, AND THAT MAKES HER MY EMPEROR-DAMNED RESPONSIBILTY. SO YOU TELL ME RIGHT THE FUCK NOW WHY YOU HAVE HER IN THIS HOUSE BEING DANGEROUSLY LEWD OR I'LL JUST CUT OUT THE MIDDLEMAN AND EAT YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING BRAIN.” You grab the top of her head. “DON'T THINK I WON'T FUCKING DO IT, EITHER. I JUST NEED TO TWIST AND-”
“Holy fuck you assclown I get it,” says Parsee; she has somehow transcended fear and ascended into pure sour anger. “I didn't do a thing besides chat with her and pick some bad fights; it's not my fault she decided to keep up the stripper act, you goddamn maniac, so stop shouting.”
“I'LL STOP SHOUTING WHEN YOU STOP OVARYREACTING.” That said, you still can appreciate the SUBDUED, SEMI-DRUNKEN RAGE this woman possesses; it may not be immensely shouty like your SUPERIOR ANGER, but you're almost impressed anyway. “BUT THAT'S IT? YOU JUST GOT A SIDEKICK AND NOTHING AT ALL HAPPENED?”
“Maybe a few things happened!” chirps Sunshine, back on the scene in-
“WHEN I SAID PUT CLOTHES ON I MEANT MORE THAN JUST A SHIRT YOU RETARD.”
“Oh.” She thinks on that, brows furrowing and lower lip sticking out in concentration, and FUCK YOU SHE'S ACTUALLY SUPER CUTE FOR SUCH AN IDIOT.
...WAIT, DID SHE JUST SAY MAYBE A FEW THINGS?
THAT'S IT, SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE DONE HERE.
__________
[X] IF SOMEONE IS TRYING TO ENGAGE WITH SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH ONE OF YOUR PETS, YOU GOTTA ENSURE SOME GODDAMN COMPATABILITY EXISTS BETWEEN THEM. AND THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT – EXTREME INTIMACY EXPERIMENT IS A GO
[X] YOU ARE COMPRISED ENTIRELY OF RAGE, HATRED, AND TESTOSTERONE, SO MAYBE YOU AREN'T THE BEST DUDE FOR FIGURING OUT RELATIONSHIP GARBAGE. BUT THEN THERE'S SATORI, SO WHAT THE FUCK, GO HAUL THESE TWO OFF TO HER.
[X] PUNCH THE ELDAR BECAUSE SHE'S A FUKKEN' XENO. THAT'S IT. THAT'S LITERALLY THE ONLY REASON YOU NEED.
>>188821 [X] IF SOMEONE IS TRYING TO ENGAGE WITH SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH ONE OF YOUR PETS, YOU GOTTA ENSURE SOME GODDAMN COMPATABILITY EXISTS BETWEEN THEM. AND THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT – EXTREME INTIMACY EXPERIMENT IS A GO
Operation: Shove Mutants in a Closet and See What Happens
>>188821 [X] YOU ARE COMPRISED ENTIRELY OF RAGE, HATRED, AND TESTOSTERONE, SO MAYBE YOU AREN'T THE BEST DUDE FOR FIGURING OUT RELATIONSHIP GARBAGE. BUT THEN THERE'S SATORI, SO WHAT THE FUCK, GO HAUL THESE TWO OFF TO HER.
[X] IF SOMEONE IS TRYING TO ENGAGE WITH SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH ONE OF YOUR PETS, YOU GOTTA ENSURE SOME GODDAMN COMPATABILITY EXISTS BETWEEN THEM. AND THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT – EXTREME INTIMACY EXPERIMENT IS A GO
>>[X] IF SOMEONE IS TRYING TO ENGAGE WITH SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH ONE OF YOUR PETS, YOU GOTTA ENSURE SOME GODDAMN COMPATABILITY EXISTS BETWEEN THEM. AND THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT – EXTREME INTIMACY EXPERIMENT IS A GO
WE MUST ENSURE OKUU'S FUTURE HUSBAND WILL TREAT HER RIGHT, AND THE ONLY WAY TO DO THIS IS THROUGH A GRAPHIC SEX SCENE
[X] YOU ARE COMPRISED ENTIRELY OF RAGE, HATRED, AND TESTOSTERONE, SO MAYBE YOU AREN'T THE BEST DUDE FOR FIGURING OUT RELATIONSHIP GARBAGE. BUT THEN THERE'S SATORI, SO WHAT THE FUCK, GO HAUL THESE TWO OFF TO HER.
[X] IF SOMEONE IS TRYING TO ENGAGE WITH SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH ONE OF YOUR PETS, YOU GOTTA ENSURE SOME GODDAMN COMPATABILITY EXISTS BETWEEN THEM. AND THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT – EXTREME INTIMACY EXPERIMENT IS A GO
Letting a mutant fight out battles, even ones of love, just doesen't sit well with me.
[X] YOU ARE COMPRISED ENTIRELY OF RAGE, HATRED, AND TESTOSTERONE, SO MAYBE YOU AREN'T THE BEST DUDE FOR FIGURING OUT RELATIONSHIP GARBAGE. BUT THEN THERE'S SATORI, SO WHAT THE FUCK, GO HAUL THESE TWO OFF TO HER.
Let the freaks sort this shit out. We're far too exalted in our righteous fury to dirty our hands with a goddamn heretical mutant shoujo manga.
[X] YOU ARE COMPRISED ENTIRELY OF RAGE, HATRED, AND TESTOSTERONE, SO MAYBE YOU AREN'T THE BEST DUDE FOR FIGURING OUT RELATIONSHIP GARBAGE. BUT THEN THERE'S SATORI, SO WHAT THE FUCK, GO HAUL THESE TWO OFF TO HER.
IT'S NOW HER DUTY TO THE EMPRAH TO SORT THIS SHIT OUT SO WE CAN PUNCHY SHIT.
[X] IF SOMEONE IS TRYING TO ENGAGE WITH SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH ONE OF YOUR PETS, YOU GOTTA ENSURE SOME GODDAMN COMPATABILITY EXISTS BETWEEN THEM. AND THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT – EXTREME INTIMACY EXPERIMENT IS A GO
[X] YOU ARE COMPRISED ENTIRELY OF RAGE, HATRED, AND TESTOSTERONE, SO MAYBE YOU AREN'T THE BEST DUDE FOR FIGURING OUT RELATIONSHIP GARBAGE. BUT THEN THERE'S SATORI, SO WHAT THE FUCK, GO HAUL THESE TWO OFF TO HER.
[X] NOOGIE THE ELDAR BECAUSE SHE'S A FUKKEN' XENO. THAT'S IT. THAT'S LITERALLY THE ONLY REASON YOU NEED.
[X] YOU ARE COMPRISED ENTIRELY OF RAGE, HATRED, AND TESTOSTERONE, SO MAYBE YOU AREN'T THE BEST DUDE FOR FIGURING OUT RELATIONSHIP GARBAGE. BUT THEN THERE'S SATORI, SO WHAT THE FUCK, GO HAUL THESE TWO OFF TO HER.
[X] IF SOMEONE IS TRYING TO ENGAGE WITH SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH ONE OF YOUR PETS, YOU GOTTA ENSURE SOME GODDAMN COMPATABILITY EXISTS BETWEEN THEM. AND THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT – EXTREME INTIMACY EXPERIMENT IS A GO
Hang on, if Big Papa exists in this story... then where is the man of the house?
"Ah, it's been a few weeks since I've been able to do more than look at the front page for updates. I wonder how many marine updates I missed?"
... It's not on the front page.
Why isn't it on the front page?
CLEAR SIGHTS, WHY THE FUCK IS FUCK GENSOKYO NOT ON THE FRONT PAGE?! I LEAVE FOR TWO FUCKING WEEKS AND SUDDENLY THE BEST THING TO COME OUT OF THE CONTEST IS LAYING HALFWAY DOWN THE SECOND PAGE?! YOU GODDAMN LITTLE SHIT AS SOON AS I WAKE UP TOMORROW AND AM NOT TIRED ANYMORE I'M GOING TO REAM YOU A NEW ONE YOU FUCKING FAGZOID
[X] YOU ARE COMPRISED ENTIRELY OF RAGE, HATRED, AND TESTOSTERONE, SO MAYBE YOU AREN'T THE BEST DUDE FOR FIGURING OUT RELATIONSHIP GARBAGE. BUT THEN THERE'S SATORI, SO WHAT THE FUCK, GO HAUL THESE TWO OFF TO HER.
[X] YOU ARE COMPRISED ENTIRELY OF RAGE, HATRED, AND TESTOSTERONE, SO MAYBE YOU AREN'T THE BEST DUDE FOR FIGURING OUT RELATIONSHIP GARBAGE. BUT THEN THERE'S SATORI, SO WHAT THE FUCK, GO HAUL THESE TWO OFF TO HER.
[X] IF SOMEONE IS TRYING TO ENGAGE WITH SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH ONE OF YOUR PETS, YOU GOTTA ENSURE SOME GODDAMN COMPATABILITY EXISTS BETWEEN THEM. AND THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT – EXTREME INTIMACY EXPERIMENT IS A GO
[X] YOU ARE COMPRISED ENTIRELY OF RAGE, HATRED, AND TESTOSTERONE, SO MAYBE YOU AREN'T THE BEST DUDE FOR FIGURING OUT RELATIONSHIP GARBAGE. BUT THEN THERE'S SATORI, SO WHAT THE FUCK, GO HAUL THESE TWO OFF TO HER.
[X] IF SOMEONE IS TRYING TO ENGAGE WITH SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH ONE OF YOUR PETS, YOU GOTTA ENSURE SOME GODDAMN COMPATIBILITY EXISTS BETWEEN THEM. AND THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT – EXTREME INTIMACY EXPERIMENT IS A GO
\\\\\\\ SEVEN
[X] YOU ARE COMPRISED ENTIRELY OF RAGE, HATE, AND TESTOSTERONE, SO MAYBE YOU AREN'T THE BEST DUDE FOR FIGURING OUT RELATIONSHIP GARBAGE. BUT THEN THERE'S SATORI, SO WHAT THE FUCK, GO HAUL THESE TWO OFF TO HER.
\\\\\\\\\ NINE
[X] PUNCH THE ELDAR BECAUSE SHE'S A FUKKEN' XENO. THAT'S IT. THAT'S LITTERALLY THE ONLY REASON YOU NEED.
\ ONE
[X]WRITE-IN?
NONE
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK SIGHTS IS DOING TAKING THIS LONG, BUT MAYBE IT'S TAKING SO LONG BECAUSE HE FORGOT HOW TO COUNT AND DOESN'T WANT TO EMBARRASS HIMSELF BY WRITING THE WRONG ONE.
ALLOW ME TO SIMPLIFY FOR HIM:
PAWNING OFF SUNSHINE AND THE FUKKIN' XENO TO SATORI WINS.
THAT MEANS YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WRITE NOW YOU FUCKING MOUTH-BREATHING PISSANT!
DID I HAVE A PRETTY SHIT-ASS WEEK NOT LONG AGO? YES.
DOES THAT MEAN THE OTHER SEVERAL WEEKS WHERE I WROTE NOTHING IS ALL FINE? NOPE.
SO HERE I AM AGAIN, YA FAGS.
______
“YO WAIT HOLD UP, WHAT ARE THESE FEW THINGS THAT HAPPENED?” you demand, boiling over with barely-repressed desire to DESTROY. “WERE THEY GODDAMNED LEWD? IF SO, WHY THE FUCK WASN'T I INVOLVED?”
Parsee is boggling at you. “Oh, shit, you're a pervert too.”
“THAT ISN'T WHAT I MEANT, YOU SHITKERNEL.” To show your MAXIMUM DISPLEASURE, you lift the Eldar wench out of bed (because you still got a fist around her skull, see), and hoist her up to glare you in the eye. “BESIDES, I'M MARRIED TO WAR. CHEATING IS OUT OF THE QUESTION.”
“I hope she's a special lady, Master Evenliftimus!” Sunshine says, and you whirl on her with a mighty, outstretched hand that clamps down atop her head.
“YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT SHE IS,” you say, hoisting the owlishly blinking birdie off the ground and putting her head-to-head with the still-scowling Parsee. “MEANWHILE YOU TWO HAVE RELATIONSHIP ISSUES TO SORT OUT. THIS IS THE DOMAIN OF ASSHOLES WHO KNOW HOW TO DO THINGS BESIDES KICK ASS IN GLORIOUS FASHION, WHICH MEANS, ALAS, THAT YOU TWO LITERAL FAGGOTS ARE GOING TO SEE SATORI.”
“There isn't anything going on, you fuck!” Parsee snaps, delivering a barefooted kick into your crotch – and yelping as her foot painfully fails to penetrate ceramite.
“YOU SAY THIS, BUT YOU'RE NOT THE BITCH WHO CAN READ MINDS, SO-” There's a shifting of air behind you, and you're already spinning around hollering “DON'T THINK YOU CAN FUCKING SNEAK UP ON ME, ASSHOLE!” at the red-eyed, brown-haired man who thought he could just pop in behind you before he can even manage to utter a single syllable.
His mouth hangs open for a long moment, during which you appraise him as PRETTY MUCH ALMOST ENTIRELY HUMAN PROBABLY, which is bizarre enough as it is in this den of HERETICAL INIQUITY, before Parsee pumps her fists, grinning ferociously at the sight of him. “Alfred! Get me away from this prick!”
“I'd like to,” says this Alfred, eyeing you up, “but, ah, he looks like-”
“OH QUIT PUSSYFOOTING AROUND AND TELL ME IF THIS BITCH IS YOUR WAIFU OR SOMETHING,” you say, lifting Parsee up demonstratively.
“...Well, yes,” he says, looking remarkably unflappable, all considered.
“YEAH OKAY THAT KINDA MAKES SENSE. DID YOU KNOW SHE GOES AROUND SEDUCING IDIOT BIRDS?” This time you hoist Utsuho for display.
She waves, grinning. “Hi, Alfie!”
“Miss Reiuji,” Alfred replies, nodding politely. “Why is Parsee wearing most of your clothing?”
“BECAUSE THE ELF IS A DEGENERATE AND A SCHEMER, THAT'S WHY,” you say, drowning out whatever Parsee or Sunshine's explanations were going to be. “NOW GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY SO I CAN GET THESE TWO SORTED OUT PROPERLY.”
“Mmm, no,” he says, folding his hands together behind his back.
You freeze up for a moment, then squat down to glower towards him at eye level. “THE SIZE OF THE BALLS ON YOU, FUCKBOY, MUST BE ENOUGH TO SQUASH AN ORK.”
He smiles, vaguely condescending. “You aren't the most frightening thing I've ever dealt with, sir...?”
“DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS.”
His smile falters, and he blinks. “I... do, yes, but I don't see how that's relevant?”
“IT'S MY NAME, SHIT-FER-BRAINS,” you say. This revelation causes him to stare blankly at you for several long seconds, before the corners of his mouth twitch up. “AND YES, I'M AWARE IT'S A PLAY ON WORDS, I FUCKING PICKED IT OUT WHEN I WAS INITIATED. YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?”
He shrugs. “Not really?”
“Ooh, I do!” says Sunshine, propping her chin up on balled-up fists.
“I just want down, goddammit!” Parsee adds, glaring death between you and Alfred.
You ignore all of them in favor of shouting even more. “IT'S CUZ WHENEVER SOME FUCKIN' ASSHOLE CRACKED WISE ABOUT IT I'D HAVE A PERFECT CHANCE TO SHOVE HIS FACE IN. THAT'S IT. THAT'S LITERALLY THE ONLY REASON. I JUST WANTED AN EXCUSE TO PUNCH PEOPLE.”
Alfred nods, frowning thoughtfully. “Fascinating, mister Liftimus-”
“EVENLIFTIMUS, YOU COCKMONGLING RETARD.”
“Ah? I'll have to remember that.”
“YOU'RE EMPRAH-DAMN RIGHT YOU DO.”
Parsee picks now to speak up again, “Alfred, do you mind?”
The man in question jolts at the reminder of his PRESUMABLE GIRLFRIEND'S peril. “Oh, right. Sir, please, I have to insist you unhand her.”
“NAH. I GOTTA TAKE THESE TWO TO MY PET NAVIGATOR SO SHE CAN READ THEIR MINDS AND DETERMINE MAXIMUM COMPATIBILITY.”
“...But she's already compatible with me? That's the entire point of our relationship?”
“DUDE. BRO. PAL. BUDDY.” You lean in really close. “THINK ABOUT THE IMPLICATIONS HERE IF I AM SUCCESSFUL. YOU HAVE NOT ONE, BUT TWO BITCHES. MAKING OUT. WITH EACH OTHER.”
“I already have that, though?” says Alfred, not quailing at all despite how you could literally EAT HIS ENTIRE FACE if you wanted to.
“BULL SHIT YOU DO.”
“No, really!” He gestures at your Eldar captive. “Parsee, do the thing.”
“Ffffffffine,” Parsee grumbles, and then, in a flash of light, WHAT THE HELL WHERE DID THAT SECOND ELF COME FROM
“MOTHER OF FUCK, NOW THE ELDAR'VE FIGURED OUT ASEXUAL REPRODUCTION.” You would clench a fist ominously in front of your face, but you would be crushing someone's skull and, for once, that is a thing you do not want to do.
The Parsee standing upright merrily rubs her hands together, grinning wickedly. “Ha! I'm free! Alfred, let's roll!”
Your Parsee makes an entirely furious noise in response. “You fuck, you can't leave me behind! You're me!”
“You think that's gonna stop me?” The clone cackles, snatching Alfred by the wrist. “Later, nerd!”
“Wait-!” says the man, but then the doppelganger is fleeing through the door, dragging him protesting along as you stare at their retreating forms.
“GET BACK HERE!” howls your Parsee, flailing and kicking in an attempt to break loose. “I'M GONNA RIP OUT YOUR STOMACH AND FEED IT TO YOU!”
“That'd be a sight!” Sunshine agrees.
You, meanwhile, are just staring, because you have so many things you want answers to. Like, “HOW MANY MORE FUCKING CAMEOS ARE WE GOING TO HAVE?”
“What?” Parsee asks.
“...I DON'T ENTIRELY KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS MYSELF.” You shrug, fed up with this garbage. “FUCK IT, LET'S GO.”
_____AT THE MANSION______
“I have several questions,” says Satori, glowering at you and your two head-grabbed pets, as she reclines in a seat with flask in hand. “But right now I'm just going to see what the issue is.”
“FUCK YEAH-”
“Shut up,” Satori growls, “or I'll have Koishi kick you in the dick again.” Struck mute by outrage, you can't do anything to really stop Satori from closing her eyes and reclining in her chair. “And oh, look at that, the ultimate result is that Utsuho is a dumbass.”
“Lady Satori?!” Sunshine squawks, looking genuinely hurt and offended.
Satori's weird third eyeball thing narrows at the bird. “Don't gimme that shit, you know it's true. And you”-she irritably waves her flask at Parsee-“can stop swearing so much, you stupid assclown.”
Parsee snorts. “Hypocritical bitch.”
“Go eat an entire ass,” Satori retorts, and then she assaults her alcohol once more.
“AS FUN AS IT IS WATCHING YOU TWO BITCH AT EACH OTHER,” you say, having reined yourself in enough to not squash Satori into paste, “THERE IS STILL THE ISSUE OF HOW YOU HAVEN'T ANSWERED ME ABOUT THESE TWO'S WHOLE STUPID RELATIONSHIP.”
“There isn't one,” Satori says.
“...WHAT.”
She shrugs. “Okuu's a moron. That's all there is to it.”
Sunshine is pouting so fiercely at all this badmouthing that you are ALMOST tempted to release your grip on her skull. “Lady Satoriiiiii! Don't be mean!”
“You're going to have to wait for the alcohol to run out first,” Satori says, cracking one of her own eyelids open to stare doom at the idiot in your grasp.
“SO WAS THIS ALL FOR NOTHING?” you ask, because you're gonna be kinda EXTRA PISSED if it was.
“Yep,” says Satori, unfazed by the sudden eruption of 'FUCKS' in your head.
Still, you take a moment to steady yourself. “...I FEEL-”
“Immensely cheated?” Satori interrupts.
FUCK BEING STEADY. “DON'T INTERRUPT ME WITH MIND BULLSHIT AGAIN OR YOU'RE GETTING ANOTHER WEDGIE, YOU LITTLE CUNT.”
“Eeeeeeeeeeh,” Satori drawls, not really bothered.
“Yeah, that's great,” Parsee says, but you get this ODD FEELING she doesn't mean it. “Now can I please go?”
“...NAH, YOU'RE JOININ' THE TEAM. CUZ I SAY SO.”
“Eat shit.”
You tighten your HEAD-GRIP, and Parsee suddenly falls very quiet. “THE OFFER TO EAT YOUR ENTIRE BRAIN IS STILL OPEN, YOU KNOW.”
“Yeah uh,” she squeaks, all the docility in evidence, here. “This is actually okay, yep, no problems whatsoever.”
“GOOD.” With that, you finally let go of both your pets, new and old, as you contemplate your next move. “NOW I THINK WE'VE FINALLY SPENT ENOUGH TIME FUCKING AROUND DOWN HERE, SO I WANNA GO TOPSIDE.”
“Thank fuck,” Satori sighs, kicking her feet up on the desk.
__________
[X] THERE IS AN ELEVATOR. IT WILL BE AN EASY RIDE. YOU HAVE EARNED THIS.
[X] NO ONE EXPECTS AN ANGRY MARINE! ...TO TAKE THE LONG WAY! THROUGH THE CAVES IT IS!
-
[X] NATURALLY YOU'RE TAKING EVERYONE ALONG WITH, EVEN IF THIS IS GOING TO BE REALLY HARD TO ORGANIZE
[X] NAH YOU GOTTA LEAVE SOME DUDES DOWN HERE TO KEEP AN EYE ON THINGS – BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T TAKE A FEW FOLKS ALONG WITH
-[X] WHO, SPECIFICALLY? NO REAL LIMIT HERE
[X] AN ANGRY MARINE MUST MARCH TO THE SURFACE ALONE AND CONQUER ALL BEFORE HE DARES RISK HIS ACQUIRED PETS, AND THAT MARINE IS YOU
[X] NO ONE EXPECTS AN ANGRY MARINE! ...TO TAKE THE LONG WAY! THROUGH THE CAVES IT IS!
[X] NAH YOU GOTTA LEAVE SOME DUDES DOWN HERE TO KEEP AN EYE ON THINGS – BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T TAKE A FEW FOLKS ALONG WITH
-[X] OKUU
-[X] FAIRY ARMY (ESPECIALLY BOSS)
-[X] PARSEE ORIGINAL FLAVOR
-[X] BEST CUDGEL
TAKE ALL THE FUN PEOPLE (AND PARSEE, SINCE SHE WAS ABANDONED AND NEEDS OUR COMFORTING PRESENCE) AND LEAVE ALL THE LAME-Os.
[X] NO ONE EXPECTS AN ANGRY MARINE! ...TO TAKE THE LONG WAY! THROUGH THE CAVES IT IS!
[X] NAH YOU GOTTA LEAVE SOME DUDES DOWN HERE TO KEEP AN EYE ON THINGS – BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T TAKE A FEW FOLKS ALONG WITH
-[X] OKUU
-[X] FAIRY ARMY (ESPECIALLY BOSS)
-[X] THE MOST DRUNK AND GRUMPY MIND-READER IN VICINITY
[X] NO ONE EXPECTS AN ANGRY MARINE! ...TO TAKE THE LONG WAY! THROUGH THE CAVES IT IS!
BECAUSE FUCKING SPIDERS WITH AMAZING ASSES, YOU COCKGOBBLERS!
[X] NAH YOU GOTTA LEAVE SOME DUDES DOWN HERE TO KEEP AN EYE ON THINGS – BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T TAKE A FEW FOLKS ALONG WITH
-[X] OKUU
-[X] FAIRY ARMY (ESPECIALLY BOSS)
-[X] PARSEE ORIGINAL FLAVOR
-[X] BEST CUDGEL
[X] NO ONE EXPECTS AN ANGRY MARINE! ...TO TAKE THE LONG WAY! THROUGH THE CAVES IT IS!
SPIDERASS, SPIDERASS! POP DA' BOOTY LIKE NOBODY CAN!
[X] NAH YOU GOTTA LEAVE SOME DUDES DOWN HERE TO KEEP AN EYE ON THINGS – BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T TAKE A FEW FOLKS ALONG WITH
-[X] OKUU
-[X] FAIRY ARMY (ESPECIALLY BOSS)
-[X] PARSEE ORIGINAL FLAVOR
-[X] BEST CUDGEL
-[X] DO WE STILL OWN SUIKA?
WE LEAVE SATORI AND THE CAT. THEY CAN HOLD THE FORT.
BUT WE NEED TO BRING MORE ONI.
BECAUSE I WANT TO SEE THE LOOK ON THE TENGU'S FACE WHEN WE SHOW UP WITH NOT ONE, BUT TWO ONI.
[X] NO ONE EXPECTS AN ANGRY MARINE! ...TO TAKE THE LONG WAY! THROUGH THE CAVES IT IS!
[X] AN ANGRY MARINE MUST MARCH TO THE SURFACE ALONE AND CONQUER ALL BEFORE HE DARES RISK HIS ACQUIRED PETS, AND THAT MARINE IS YOU
[X] NO ONE EXPECTS AN ANGRY MARINE! ...TO TAKE THE LONG WAY! THROUGH THE CAVES IT IS!
[X] NAH YOU GOTTA LEAVE SOME DUDES DOWN HERE TO KEEP AN EYE ON THINGS – BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T TAKE A FEW FOLKS ALONG WITH
-[X] OKUU
-[X] FAIRY ARMY (ESPECIALLY BOSS)
-[X] PARSEE ORIGINAL FLAVOR
-[X] BEST CUDGEL
-[X] DO WE STILL OWN SUIKA?
-[X] BIG PAPA
>>190522 >bringing Big Papa with us topside
ARE YOU FUCKING MENTAL, SOLDIER? THAT CAN ONLY RESULT IN EVEN MORE BALL-BUSTING FIGHTS AND MILLIONS IN PROPERTY DAMAGES.
I SAY LET'S DO IT.
[X] NO ONE EXPECTS AN ANGRY MARINE! ...TO TAKE THE LONG WAY! THROUGH THE CAVES IT IS!
[X] NAH YOU GOTTA LEAVE SOME DUDES DOWN HERE TO KEEP AN EYE ON THINGS – BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T TAKE A FEW FOLKS ALONG WITH
-[X] OKUU
-[X] FAIRY ARMY (ESPECIALLY BOSS)
-[X] PARSEE ORIGINAL FLAVOR
-[X] BEST CUDGEL
-[X] DO WE STILL OWN SUIKA?
-[X] BIG PAPA
[X] NO ONE EXPECTS AN ANGRY MARINE! ...TO TAKE THE LONG WAY! THROUGH THE CAVES IT IS!
[X] NAH YOU GOTTA LEAVE SOME DUDES DOWN HERE TO KEEP AN EYE ON THINGS – BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T TAKE A FEW FOLKS ALONG WITH
-[X] OKUU
-[X] FAIRY ARMY (ESPECIALLY BOSS)
-[X] PARSEE ORIGINAL FLAVOR
-[X] BEST CUDGEL
-[X] DO WE STILL OWN SUIKA?
-[X] BIG PAPA
LET'S SHOW THAT FAGGOT-ASS SURFACE HOW TO BE LESS FUCKING RETARDED. WITH OUR FISTS.
[X] NO ONE EXPECTS AN ANGRY MARINE! ...TO TAKE THE LONG WAY! THROUGH THE CAVES IT IS!
[X] NAH YOU GOTTA LEAVE SOME DUDES DOWN HERE TO KEEP AN EYE ON THINGS – BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T TAKE A FEW FOLKS ALONG WITH
-[X] OKUU
-[X] FAIRY ARMY (ESPECIALLY BOSS)
-[X] PARSEE ORIGINAL FLAVOR
-[X] BEST CUDGEL
-[X] DO WE STILL OWN SUIKA?
-[X] BIG PAPA
Really liked that update. Having several characters interact with MC in one update really helps to flesh out the scenes.
[X] NO ONE EXPECTS AN ANGRY MARINE! ...TO TAKE THE LONG WAY! THROUGH THE CAVES IT IS!
[X] NAH YOU GOTTA LEAVE SOME DUDES DOWN HERE TO KEEP AN EYE ON THINGS – BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T TAKE A FEW FOLKS ALONG WITH
-[X] OKUU
-[X] FAIRY ARMY (ESPECIALLY BOSS)
-[X] PARSEE ORIGINAL FLAVOR
-[X] BEST CUDGEL
-[X] DO WE STILL OWN SUIKA?
-[X] BIG PAPA
So I've been re-reading Keymaster's stories and just got past Aya's and Meiling's barscene and IT LEFT ME WITH AN UNBEARABLE RAGE THAT WON'T SUBSIDE UNTIL MEILING HAS A BOOT STUCK SO FAR UP HER ASS SHE WON'T BE ABLE TO SIT FOR ATLEAST A MONTH.
[X] NO ONE EXPECTS AN ANGRY MARINE! ...TO TAKE THE LONG WAY! THROUGH THE CAVES IT IS!
[X] NAH YOU GOTTA LEAVE SOME DUDES DOWN HERE TO KEEP AN EYE ON THINGS – BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T TAKE A FEW FOLKS ALONG WITH
-[X] OKUU
-[X] FAIRY ARMY (ESPECIALLY BOSS)
-[X] PARSEE ORIGINAL FLAVOR
-[X] BEST CUDGEL
-[X] DO WE STILL OWN SUIKA?
-[X] BIG PAPA
No. 191972
File 147655091648.jpg- (133.83KB
, 981x776
, ACCURATE LOOK AT EVERYONE'S FEELINGS ON THIS.jpg
)
[iqdb]
“AND NOW THE TIME HAS FINALLY ARRIVED FOR US TO LEAVE,” you declare, standing in front of your army, assembled in the courtyard of your CONQUERED CASTLE. You have FAIRIES. An ANGRY ELF. THE RETARD BIRD. BEST CUDGEL. A TINY DRUNKEN DUOCORN. And ROUNDING IT OFF –
“It's only been about half an hour, son,” says Big Papa, somehow wearing his TACO STAND on his back. Being able to compartmentalize things like that is HELLA SMART.
“REALLY?” you say. “FELT SHITLOADS LONGER. BUT ENOUGH OF THAT GARBAGE, I AM HONESTLY SURPRISED YOU ARE WILLING TO JOIN ME ON MY QUEST, AFTER WE SPENT LIKE A FUCKING DECADE PUNCHING EACH OTHER.”
He smiles, broad and baring loads and loads of MUTIE TEETH. “Someone has to make sure all the lil' chickadees are treated right!”
“ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS,” you ask, because this dude seems like he'll put MAJOR CRAMPS in your style.
“You know it, boy!”
“IF YOU CALL ME BOY AGAIN I AM GOING TO MAKE GOOD ON THAT THREAT OF POURING HOT SAUCE INTO YOUR EVERY ORIFICE.”
That smile gets bigger. “You're welcome to try!”
“THE BIG E GODDAMN WEEPS AT YOUR LACK OF PROPER FEAR, HALF-MAN,” you say, but figure the mutie's swole enough that he can at least help punch things, and that's what REALLY MATTERS right now.
“So!” says that fairy with BOSS still proudly scribbled on her forehead – even if right now it's hidden under this bandana she recently acquired that is billowing HEROICALLY in the wind provided by other fairies flapping, like, PALM LEAF things or WHATEVER THE FUCK they're called at her. You don't even know how they GOT THOSE down here. “We're with you all the way, Master Evenliftimus, but-”
“BUT? YOU'D BETTER NOT BE THINKING OF PUSSYING OUT, YOU TINY BRAT.”
“No, no, I mean, what're we gonna be doing up there?”
“AH. KICKING ASS. WRITING DOWN NAMES. GOING TO KICK THOSE NAMES IN THE ASS. SPREAD THE EMPEROR'S GLORIOUS WORD. YOU KNOW, SHIT LIKE THAT.”
“Neat!” says another fairy, one who looks DAMNED FAMILIAR.
“OH HI, IT'S-” You squint at her, and it clicks that she's the one you made your THIRD-IN-COMMAND of the fairy brigade way back when you got them. “YOU KNOW WHAT I DON'T HONESTLY CARE WHAT YOUR NAME IS.”
“Sachiko?” she offers, hesitantly.
“DID I NOT JUST SAY I DIDN'T CARE. MOVING ON! CUDGEL!”
“Ashikita, reporting for duty, sirrah!” Best Cudgel salutes, having acquired GLASSES somewhere along the course of things in addition to dressing up like some kind of ADVENTURE WOMAN in a tan shirt and cargo shorts. “Ready for whatever we do!”
“RADICAL. ALSO IS THAT LIKE-”
“My surname, yassuh!”
“RIGHT. SUNSHINE!”
“Hiya!” Miss Sunshine is in PROPER CLOTHING AGAIN, although you don't know how long she'll manage to keep that going, considering her SEVERE MENTAL DEFECTS. “Ready for blasting, Master!” She lifts her BLASTY ROD ARM up to demonstrate, and then fires a laser, also to demonstrate. Several fairies dive for cover.
“I LIKE THAT SHOOTY BUSINESS BUT I THINK YOU WOULD BE BETTER SERVED JUST HITTING PEOPLE WITH THAT THING.”
“That's also something I can do, Master!” Sunshine smacks the rod against her forehead in salute, and is COMPLETELY UNFAZED.
“Fuckin' A,” grumbles the SHITTY ELDAR, also now kitted up in PROPER CLOTHING because, in her words, 'I'M NOT GOING ON THIS STUPID-ASS TRIP WITHOUT GETTING DRESSED, YOU LECH'.
“OH, I'M SORRY,” you say, leaning in to glower at the space elf. “AM I HEARING OBJECTIONS? DO YOU WANT TO CRY?”
“Ffffffffuck off, dude,” Parsee replies, by now nigh-immune to your shouting. You're honestly impressed.
“DON'T MAKE ME SMACK YOU,” you say, for appearance's sake, and move on to the last in this terribly mismatched party, the... FUCKIN' SLEEPIN' TINY DRUNK BITCH THAT IS SUIKA. “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT”
Suika rockets up to her feet like she wasn't COMPLETELY UNCONSCIOUS two seconds ago. “Hi! Yes! Suika! That's me!”
“DON'T LET ME FUCKING CATCH YOU SLEEPING AGAIN OR THERE WILL BE A SECOND PUNTING.”
“Sure, fine, whatever!” Her smile is all teeth and you're pretty sure she's plotting a way to kick your ass, which is fine, because at least it means she'll be FOCUSED.
“GLAD YOU UNDERSTAND.” You clap your hands together, pretty sure that's EVERYONE accounted for, and turn around to your SPECTATING AUDIENCE – the rest of your PETS are here, and Miss Cuddles waves enthusiastically from next to DICK-SMASHER and DRUNK NAVIGATOR. “ANYTHING TO SAY BEFORE WE TAKE OFF?”
“Ny'all take care now!” says Cuddles, and she gets another rod-wave from Sunshine before you stomp on up to the catgirl.
“YOU TOO, YOU LITTLE FUCK,” you tell her, planting a FIST on her HEAD and RUFFLING THAT HAIR. “I AM NOT SORRY FOR PUNCHING YOU BEFORE BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU'VE OTHERWISE BEEN ALL RIGHT, IF FUCKIN' STUPID.”
“What about us, then?!” Koishi demands, and your head slooooooooooooooooooowly cranks over to the dick-kicker. “I want an apology too!”
“ONE. MORE. WORD. AND I WILL PUT YOU BACK ON THE FAN.”
Her mouth hangs open for several lengthy seconds before Satori reaches over and slowly pushes it shut.
“SMART.” Your head swivels to Satori. “YOU GET TO BE IN CHARGE OF THINGS WHILE I GO ADVENTURE. BE HAPPY.”
She shrugs. “Shit, I got nuthin' better to do.”
“AND THAT ABOUT COVERS EVERYTHING PROBABLY. LET'S RIDE!”
There's a great cheer from the fairies as you launch into a run, and then you've got your army ON THE MOVE.
YOU ARE PROUD.
-----
You are SIGNIFICANTLY LESS PROUD of how you have to shepherd an IDIOT MASS of FAIRIES through these tunnels to make sure none split off from the group and get lost. After a point, you just let the other responsible people take care of keeping everyone together while you plow on far ahead of everybody, because you're FINALLY GETTING THE FUCK OUTTA HERE AND NOT KNOWING THE WAY TOPSIDE ISN'T GONNA STOP YOU, YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH-
THUNK
“WHAT GROXSHITTERY IS THIS,” you demand of the bucket that just fell on your head.
There is NO RESPONSE as it reels back up on some wire- wait, THERE IS NO WIRE HOLDING IT.
“PSYCHIC GROXSHITTERY, NO LESS,” you bellow, leaping up and snagging the bucket before it can retreat. You look inside it. “DEAR EMPEROR.”
“Um,” says the EXCEPTIONALLY TINY GREEN-HAIRED GIRL inside it, who looks all of a sudden very unsure about where this is going. “Hi?”
“YOU'RE A FUCKIN' SQUAT, AREN'T YOU.”
“Nnnnnno?” she ventures.
“TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER.”
She's got her hands clutched over her ears at this point, because you're REALLY CLOSE and REALLY LOUD. “I lead myself!”
“OH, OKAY. YOU'RE COMING WITH ME, THEN.”
The SQUAT scowls up at you – the fact that she isn't SCARED OUT OF HER MIND is PRETTY ADMIRABLE HONESTLY. “No!”
“YES.”
“Not if I got anything to say about it!” The bucket shoots up into the air, carrying you along with it and holy fuck this shouldn't be possible.
“WHAT FOUL SORCERY DO YOU WIELD, YOU MINIATURE FIEND?!” you holler, getting swung around into WALLS and STALACITES and SHIT LIKE THAT as the BUCKET-DWARF keeps flying about in an attempt to DISLODGE YOU.
_________
[X] NO BUCKET SHALL BEST YOU, SO YOU'RE HOLDING ON UNTIL THIS MIDGET SORCERESS IS TOO TIRED TO RESIST
[X] ACTIVATE THE FISTS, BECAUSE THIS BITCH NEEDS A GOOD DISCIPLINARY FRYING
[X] THE SIMPLE THINGS ARE BEST, WHICH IS WHY YOU'RE JUST GONNA LET GO AND THROW A REALLY BIG ROCK AT HER
[X] NO BUCKET SHALL BEST YOU, SO YOU'RE HOLDING ON UNTIL THIS MIDGET SORCERESS IS TOO TIRED TO RESIST
No. 192281
File 147837160372.jpg- (2.54MB
, 2550x3300
, WHY IS THIS ALLOWED.jpg
)
[iqdb]
You have MIGHTY ARMS, and as such you're clinging to this shitty bucket until they either fall off or this midget sorcerer's BRAIN EXPLODES from PERILS OF THE WARP or some other crap. BUT, as you slam into another POINTY ROCK, you're left to seethe at even higher levels of anger than usual.
“YOU KNOW I'M JUST GONNA GET YOU SOONER OR LATER RIGHT,” you ask, leaving your mark on this tunnel with a DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS-shaped imprint in a wall. “SERIOUSLY, YA LITTLE BITCH, YOU'RE JUST CHEESING ME OFF.”
“I'd rather cheese you off than let you get a hold of me!” she hollers.
“IT'S A BIT LATE FOR THAT ISN'T IT, I MEAN, I ALREADY GOT MY HANDS ON YOUR SORCEROUS DOMOCILE-”
“I meant me specifically!”
“YEAH THAT MAKES MORE SENSE,” you say, before your face smashes into another wall. “SERIOUSLY NOW CUT THIS SHIT OUT BEFORE MY GENERAL SMOLDERING RAGE FOCUSES ENTIRELY ON YOU.”
“Let go of me and then we can talk!”
“OH, FIRST THE BUCKET ISN'T YOU AND NOW IT IS? MAKE UP YER DAMN MIND, YOU SHITTY WIZARD!”
You hit a wall again- and this time hook your feet into a crevice. The BUCKET MAGICIAN is stymied by this, and you hear a SHRIEK of TERROR that only comes from those who know that they are TRULY BONED.
“HA HAAAAAAAAAA” you cackle, and now that you are PROPERLY BRACED, you can actually exert some GODDAMN LEVERAGE and DRAG THIS BUCKET IN. “YOU CANNOT ESCAPE MY HUGE MUSCLES, YOU TINY FOOL!
“We can talk about thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis-” she wails, right before you FLING HER against the same wall you are HOOKED INTO. Even her vile magics cannot hold her up after her bucket shatters into little splinters – but by the same token, you fall flat on your face because you're not being held aloft by an OCCULT BUCKET AND ITS SQUAT INHABITANT.
You look up just in time to see that midget hit the floor and bounce along until she rolls to a stop, also on her face. She pushes herself to her hands and knees, looking thoroughly dazed, and- OKAY, she does NOT wear that robe tight at all, and, with the front almost undone like it is- BY THE EMPEROR, YOU THINK YOU COULD ALMOST UNDERSTAND WHAT SQUATS SEE IN EACH OTHER.
BUT THIS MIDGET NEEDS TO WORK ON HER ALLURE, BECAUSE RIGHT NOW SHE'S NOT EVEN GETTING CLOSE TO PROPERLY SHOWING HERSELF OFF.
“ARE YOU TRYING TO FUCKIN' SEDUCE ME, YOU GREMLIN?” you yell, springing up to your feet with the quickness and stomping on over.
The squat, for her part, looks up at you in bleary-eyed confusion and also TOTAL FEAR. “Oh gods please don't hit me I'm just-”
“FUCK, YOU'RE DOING IT ALL WRONG, YOU RETARD.”
She blinks. “Whuh?”
You roll your eyes, which isn't a gesture visible through your helmet but fuck it you're doing it anyway. “HERE, LEMME SHOW YOU HOW TO PROPERLY SEDUCE A TARGET.” You fall over again, putting your POWER ASS on display. “OUCH,” you declare in a monotone. “OH NO. I AM SO EMBARRASSED. PLEASE DO NOT LOOK AT MY BUTTOCKS. TEE-FUCKING-HEE.”
“This is so disturbing,” she whispers.
“WELL FUCKIN' DUH, IT'S NOT LIKE I'M SOME MINIGIRL SHORTSTACK, I DON'T GOT THE RIGHT PARTS FOR THIS SHIT.” She flinches as you jab a POWER FINGER at her face. “YOU, THOUGH, YOU'RE FINE- SO TAKE THIS TECHNIQUE OF MINE AND MEMORIZE IT. IT IS CALLED THE VULNERABUTT, WHICH GETS HETEROSEXUAL MALES AND CHICKS WHO DIG CHICKS ALL IN A TIZZY.”
“Why are you doing this,” asks the squat, staring at you in horror.
“BECAUSE YOU GOTTA PURSUE EXCELLENCE IN EVERYTHING, YOU USELESS FUCKING DWARF! NOW GET OVER HERE I GOT THINGS FOR YOU TO DO.” Your hand, already within grabbing range from the FINGER JAB, doesn't have far to go to grab her ENTIRE HEAD. You hop upright with her shouting muffled in your fist. “RIGHT, SO, YOUR LEADER. I WAS ASKING ABOUT THEM. LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOO-”
“Kisume?!”
“-OOOOOOH WHO THE FUCK IS THIS NOW” you roar, spinning about to face- “WHY THE FUCK ARE ALL THESE MUTANTS SO CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE?”
The blonde before you doesn't look OUTWARDLY MUTANTY, but you live in a world of FREAKS and WEIRDOS, so she probably has some bullshit hidden up that GIANT SKIRT seriously what is GOING ON with that?
She doesn't quail before you, but she certainly seems to be reconsidering her options. “I- okay, gods, you're huge, but- but if you don't let go of her, I'll-”
“ARE YOU HER LEADER,” you ask, thrusting the small sorceress forth demonstratively.
Blondie blinks. “What.”
“I'M LOOKING FOR OTHER SQUATS,” you say, bringing the flailing midget back to your side. “ARE YOU HER LEADER. DO YOU KNOW WHERE MORE ARE.”
“...There's really only just the one of her.”
“WELL SHIT GODDAMN.”
“Also if you could maybe still put her down that'd be great.”
“DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO FUCKING DO, YOU HUGE-ASSED MUTANT.”
Blondie recoils, concern destroyed by RIGHTEOUS OUTRAGE. “Excuse me!?”
“WELL WHY ELSE WOULD YOU HAVE SUCH A HUGE SKIRT. SERIOUSLY. THAT THING IS FUCKIN' POOFY. IT'S MAGNIFICENT.”
Your constant MIXUP of FRIENDLY and BELLIGERENT words have handily confused your opponent, her expression shifting rapidly as she tries to come up with a fitting response.
NOW IS THE TIME TO ACT.
__________
[X] THROW DWARF, ENGAGE IN FISTICUFFS
[X] DROP DWARF, ENGAGE IN DIPLOMACY
[X] PUT DWARF ON SHOULDER, ENGAGE IN ACQUIRING NEW MUTANT
No. 186634
