“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-” you scream, so loud that you are faintly aware of glass breaking in the distance, and slam your pillow onto Koishi's head.
“Oh my gods-” says Ms. Cuddles, leaning through the door, and your head REFLEXIVELY SNAPS to glare at her.
“-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-” you continue, STARING HER DOWN.
Cuddles SHRINKS under your FORMIDABLE GAZE. “I, uh, I mean, oh my God-Emperor?”
Correction doled out, you return to your beating. “-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-”
Koishi is weathering your barrage with aplomb. That, or she's unconscious. Either case is UNACCEPTABLE, so you pause to grab her shirt, haul her to her feet, and shake her about. Now that you aren't RAINING FLUFFY BLOWS upon her, you can see she is PRETTY OUT OF IT, but STILL AWAKE, so you LEAN IN until your mouth is right next to her ear. “-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKING ASSHOLE YOU DON'T GET TO TAKE A BREATHER!”
That gets her to CLUTCH HER EARS, wincing as you let her go and pull away. “Ow!”
“THAT WAS THE INTENTION, YOU LITTLE FUCK,” you say, and then you club her with another PILLOW STRIKE to the SKULL, so forcefully that she's FLIPPED END OVER END as she flies across the room and IMPACTS A WALL FACE-FIRST.
“Aaaaaaargh,” she groans, peeling off the wall and falling flat on her nose.
“AAAAAAAAARGH IS PRETTY DESCRIPTIVE NOW, ISN'T IT, FUCKBAG?” you say, walking over to her in order LOOM PROPERLY and be SUPER EXTRA SCARY.
She raises a hand, pointer finger extended. “Gotta agree.” Her hand flops down.
“GODDAMN IT GET UP,” you say, and deactivate your POWER BOOTS before nudging her with one. All she does is MOAN like a LITTLE BITCH, which you suppose she is but that's BESIDES THE POINT.
“I think she's done,” Satori helpfully interjects, having crawled to the end of the bed to watch you. “So, uh-”
“FUCK OFF OR YOUR WEDGIE'S GOING EVEN FURTHER.”
Satori shuts up, leaving you with a PENIS-PUNCHER who's COMPLETELY OUT OF IT, and if she isn't going to give you PROPER SATISFACTION in a PILLOW FIGHT, you're just going to have to find it some other way. The OWNED HERETIC'S interruption, however, gives you an IDEA, and you toss your pillow aside in order to haul Koishi to her feet once again.
“REJOICE, DICKFACE,” you say, hands firmly gripping her shoulders, “FOR YOU WILL GET TO SHARE IN YOUR SISTER'S COMPLETE OWNAGE.”
“Whuh?” she manages, and then you KNOCK HER HAT OFF, PULL HER SKIRT DOWN, grab the back of her PANTIES (PURE RED FOR THIS BITCH, HUH), and DRAG THEM ALL THE FUCKING WAY UP over her HEAD, suspending her IN THE AIR.
“Aiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-” Koishi whines in an ANNOYINGLY HIGH PITCH as you put the second part of your REVENGEANCE into effect, carrying her over to the CEILING FAN. You do not silence her, for her WELL-DESERVED SUFFERING is DELICIOUS PAYBACK after how badly your crotch was assaulted.
The fan is currently INACTIVE, which makes it easy to reach up and HOOK KOISHI'S UNDERWEAR around a blade. Once you're satisfied she's not going to bring the whole fucking thing down, you let go and watch in GREAT MERRIMENT as she dangles helplessly.
“Why?” she asks, fixing you with a DELIRIOUS, UNFOCUSED STARE.
You endure a FULL-BODY TWITCH of HATE. “OH SWEET FUCK, DO YOU NOT REMEMBER EVERYTHING YOU DID TO MY JUNK?”
Before she can respond, you reach up and spin the fan PRETTY HARD, which sends her spinning around at a RESPECTABLE RATE.
“HMM,” you say, rubbing your chin as her QUIET WHINING of TOTAL HUMILIATION soothes you. “I THINK IT'S MISSING SOMETHING.”
A glance over your shoulder reveals both HORRIFIED PETS peeking through the doorway and your DISCARDED PILLOW. You pick up the latter, haul back as Koishi comes around for another spin, and DECK HER in the FACE from the OPPOSITE DIRECTION with all the force you can put into your FLUFFY CUDGEL.
This FURIOUS BLOW sends the fan spinning the other way, even faster than before. You're forced to STEP BACK as she swings out WIDER and WIDER, because PHYSICS.
“YES,” you say. “THAT WAS PROBABLY IT.”
You boff her AGAIN the next time she comes around, and AGAIN, and AGAIN, each blow causing her to ACCELERATE. You keep doing this until she's practically FLYING HORIZANTALLY.
“Stoooooooooooooop!” she wails, her voice bouncing through the room all WEIRD-LIKE as she completes SEVERAL REVOLUTIONS A SECOND.
“THIS IS YOUR PENANCE FOR DARING TO ATTACK A SERVANT OF THE EMPRAH,” you say, filled with SATISFACTION at a JOB WELL DONE. “YOU'RE STAYING UP THERE UNTIL I'M SASTISFIED YOU'RE FUCKING SORRY.”
Koishi just starts BAWLING WORDLESSLY, which is the BEST THING to hear after everything you've gone through.
“Isn't that getting old?” Satori asks, head dangling upside-down over the foot of her bed as she stares at you, not with anger (to your GREAT SURPRISE), but simple curiosity.
_________
[X] NAH YOU'RE GONNA KEEP DOING THIS FOR A WHILE. MAYBE ORDER A PIZZA. YO, ACTUALLY, DO YOU KNOW ANY PIZZA PLACES AROUND HERE?
[X] HEY SATORI, DO YOU WANT TO JOIN YOUR SISTER UP THERE? OKAY COOL HERE YA GO.
[X] YOUR OWNAGE IS COMPLETE, AND YOU HAVE PLACES TO BE, HERETICS TO BEAT UP. YOU KNOW, THE USUAL.
-OH FUCK IT'S A SUBVOTE
[X] YOU HAVE BEATEN BOTH THESE MONKEY GIRLS WITH THEIR WEIRD EYEBALL THINGS, AND THEY WILL KNOW FOREVERMORE THAT YOU ARE SUPERIOR. SINCE THIS IS THE CASE, THEY CAN NOW JOIN YOU ON YOUR QUEST.
[X] THESE TWO CAN STEW IN HERE AND THINK OF YOUR COMPLETE DOMINATION FOR A WHILE. MAYBE YOU'LL PICK 'EM UP LATER, BUT UNTIL THEN, YOU'RE HAPPY WITH WHAT PETS YOU ALREADY HAVE.
[X] SATORI SEEMS PRETTY DOCILE. YOU'LL TAKE HER AND LET KOISHI UNDERGO PENANCE ON HER OWN.
[X] KOISHI IS PRETTY FUCKING AWESOME AT HITTING PEOPLE IN THE DICK, WHICH IS A SKIL ANY ANGRY MARINE CAN APPRECIATE. ONCE HER TIME'S UP HERE SHE'S COMING WITH YOU.
[X] YOUR OWNAGE IS COMPLETE, AND YOU HAVE PLACES TO BE, HERETICS TO BEAT UP. YOU KNOW, THE USUAL.
[X] YOU HAVE BEATEN BOTH THESE MONKEY GIRLS WITH THEIR WEIRD EYEBALL THINGS, AND THEY WILL KNOW FOREVERMORE THAT YOU ARE SUPERIOR. SINCE THIS IS THE CASE, THEY CAN NOW JOIN YOU ON YOUR QUEST.
THE EMPEROR'S BENEVOLENCE IS EVEN MORE INFINITE THAN OUR ANGER.
[X] YOUR OWNAGE IS COMPLETE, AND YOU HAVE PLACES TO BE, HERETICS TO BEAT UP. YOU KNOW, THE USUAL.
[X] YOU HAVE BEATEN BOTH THESE MONKEY GIRLS WITH THEIR WEIRD EYEBALL THINGS, AND THEY WILL KNOW FOREVERMORE THAT YOU ARE SUPERIOR. SINCE THIS IS THE CASE, THEY CAN NOW JOIN YOU ON YOUR QUEST.
WE WILL BUILD AN ARMY, THEN A BIGGER ONE. UNTIL WE FINALLY GET THE CHANCE TO PUNCH YUKARI IN THE FACE AND LET ALL OUR SUBORDINATES PUNCH HER AS WELL.
[X] NAH YOU'RE GONNA KEEP DOING THIS FOR A WHILE. MAYBE ORDER A PIZZA. YO, ACTUALLY, DO YOU KNOW ANY PIZZA PLACES AROUND HERE?
[X] YOU HAVE BEATEN BOTH THESE MONKEY GIRLS WITH THEIR WEIRD EYEBALL THINGS, AND THEY WILL KNOW FOREVERMORE THAT YOU ARE SUPERIOR. SINCE THIS IS THE CASE, THEY CAN NOW JOIN YOU ON YOUR QUEST.
We will eat PIZZA. ANGRILY.
We will then RETRIEVE THE CEILING FAN with ATTACHED HERETIC and proceed to BEAT MOTHERFUCKERS WITH OTHER MOTHERFUCKERS. We will go on ADVENTURES with Ms. CUDDLES, Ms. SUNSHINE, SATORI-OF-THE-PERMANENT-WEDGIE, and KOISHI the POWER-CEILING-FAN-FLAIL and MURDER EXTREME AMOUNTS OF BITCHES.
[X] NAH YOU'RE GONNA KEEP DOING THIS FOR A WHILE. MAYBE ORDER A PIZZA. YO, ACTUALLY, DO YOU KNOW ANY PIZZA PLACES AROUND HERE
[X] YOU HAVE BEATEN BOTH THESE MONKEY GIRLS WITH THEIR WEIRD EYEBALL THINGS, AND THEY WILL KNOW FOREVERMORE THAT YOU ARE SUPERIOR. SINCE THIS IS THE CASE, THEY CAN NOW JOIN YOU ON YOUR QUEST.
[X] YOUR OWNAGE IS COMPLETE, AND YOU HAVE PLACES TO BE, HERETICS TO BEAT UP. YOU KNOW, THE USUAL.
[X] YOU HAVE BEATEN BOTH THESE MONKEY GIRLS WITH THEIR WEIRD EYEBALL THINGS, AND THEY WILL KNOW FOREVERMORE THAT YOU ARE SUPERIOR. SINCE THIS IS THE CASE, THEY CAN NOW JOIN YOU ON YOUR QUEST.
They're obviously NAVIGATORS (three eyes) that would be an ASSET to have.
Or at least, calling them that makes recruiting them slightly less HERETICAL.
[X] YOUR OWNAGE IS COMPLETE, AND YOU HAVE PLACES TO BE, HERETICS TO BEAT UP. YOU KNOW, THE USUAL.
[X] YOU HAVE BEATEN BOTH THESE MONKEY GIRLS WITH THEIR WEIRD EYEBALL THINGS, AND THEY WILL KNOW FOREVERMORE THAT YOU ARE SUPERIOR. SINCE THIS IS THE CASE, THEY CAN NOW JOIN YOU ON YOUR QUEST.
[X] YOUR OWNAGE IS COMPLETE, AND YOU HAVE PLACES TO BE, HERETICS TO BEAT UP. YOU KNOW, THE USUAL.
[X] YOU HAVE BEATEN BOTH THESE MONKEY GIRLS WITH THEIR WEIRD EYEBALL THINGS, AND THEY WILL KNOW FOREVERMORE THAT YOU ARE SUPERIOR. SINCE THIS IS THE CASE, THEY CAN NOW JOIN YOU ON YOUR QUEST.
Always... Err... Sometimes? Good to have a psyker around for when being angry just isn't enough. (So you can get even MORE angry at their almost heretical shit. Repeat until it IS enough.)
[X] YOUR OWNAGE IS COMPLETE, AND YOU HAVE PLACES TO BE, HERETICS TO BEAT UP. YOU KNOW, THE USUAL.
[X] YOU HAVE BEATEN BOTH THESE MONKEY GIRLS WITH THEIR WEIRD EYEBALL THINGS, AND THEY WILL KNOW FOREVERMORE THAT YOU ARE SUPERIOR. SINCE THIS IS THE CASE, THEY CAN NOW JOIN YOU ON YOUR QUEST.
[X] YOUR OWNAGE IS COMPLETE, AND YOU HAVE PLACES TO BE, HERETICS TO BEAT UP. YOU KNOW, THE USUAL.
[X] SATORI SEEMS PRETTY DOCILE. YOU'LL TAKE HER AND LET KOISHI UNDERGO PENANCE ON HER OWN.
WE MUST HOLD BACK FOR THESE INFERIOR CREATURES AND CONSIDER THIS OWNAGE SUFFICIENT. THERE ARE PROBABLY OTHER FUCKS TO OBLITERATE WITH PURE ANGER. ALSO, LET US NOT FORGET OUR ORIGINAL GOAL OF FINDING CHEN.
[X] YOUR OWNAGE IS COMPLETE, AND YOU HAVE PLACES TO BE, HERETICS TO BEAT UP. YOU KNOW, THE USUAL.
[X] YOU HAVE BEATEN BOTH THESE MONKEY GIRLS WITH THEIR WEIRD EYEBALL THINGS, AND THEY WILL KNOW FOREVERMORE THAT YOU ARE SUPERIOR. SINCE THIS IS THE CASE, THEY CAN NOW JOIN YOU ON YOUR QUEST.
LETS GO BEAT UP SOME ABHUMANS! LIKE ONI!
WHEN WE ARE THROUGH WITH THEM THEY WILL CALL US ONII-SAN!!!
[X] YOUR OWNAGE IS COMPLETE, AND YOU HAVE PLACES TO BE, HERETICS TO BEAT UP. YOU KNOW, THE USUAL.
[X] YOU HAVE BEATEN BOTH THESE MONKEY GIRLS WITH THEIR WEIRD EYEBALL THINGS, AND THEY WILL KNOW FOREVERMORE THAT YOU ARE SUPERIOR. SINCE THIS IS THE CASE, THEY CAN NOW JOIN YOU ON YOUR QUEST.
QUIET BITCH IS PEANUTS
DICK BITCH IS WILLY
MONKEY PETS, FUCK YEAH
ALSO, CLAIM THEY'RE YOUR PET NAVIGATORS, 'CUZ HERESY IS WRONG
Anyone else hype for the inevitable PET RHIN-ONI YUUGI? Or would that be UNIC-ONI? When we get to the surface, we're recruiting Suika as our pet BULL-ONI!
[X] NAH YOU'RE GONNA KEEP DOING THIS FOR A WHILE. MAYBE ORDER A PIZZA. YO, ACTUALLY, DO YOU KNOW ANY PIZZA PLACES AROUND HERE
[X] YOU HAVE BEATEN BOTH THESE MONKEY GIRLS WITH THEIR WEIRD EYEBALL THINGS, AND THEY WILL KNOW FOREVERMORE THAT YOU ARE SUPERIOR. SINCE THIS IS THE CASE, THEY CAN NOW JOIN YOU ON YOUR QUEST.
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS CONFIRMS?
THAT MONKEYS ARE AND ALWAYS WILL BE, INFERIOR TO APES.
[X] YOUR OWNAGE IS COMPLETE, AND YOU HAVE PLACES TO BE, HERETICS TO BEAT UP. YOU KNOW, THE USUAL.
-[X] KOISHI IS PRETTY FUCKING AWESOME AT HITTING PEOPLE IN THE DICK, WHICH IS A SKIL ANY ANGRY MARINE CAN APPRECIATE. ONCE HER TIME'S UP HERE SHE'S COMING WITH YOU.
KICING PEOPLE ON THE DICK IS AN USEFUL SKILL FOR A MINION TO HAVE.
[X] NAH YOU'RE GONNA KEEP DOING THIS FOR A WHILE. MAYBE ORDER A PIZZA. YO, ACTUALLY, DO YOU KNOW ANY PIZZA PLACES AROUND HERE
[X] YOU HAVE BEATEN BOTH THESE MONKEY GIRLS WITH THEIR WEIRD EYEBALL THINGS, AND THEY WILL KNOW FOREVERMORE THAT YOU ARE SUPERIOR. SINCE THIS IS THE CASE, THEY CAN NOW JOIN YOU ON YOUR QUEST.
Yeah this is good. Perfectly fine.
No. 186039 File 144799715966.jpg
- (948.24KB, 1285x897, YOU'VE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.jpg)
[iqdb]
“HONESTLY, I'M LOVING THIS,” you say, leaning against a wall and watching Koishi spin. “I MEAN COME THE FUCK ON, YOU CAN'T TELL ME THAT'S NOT HILARIOUS.”
“Sometimes I have wanted to do that to her myself,” Satori agrees.
“Siiiiiiiiiiiiisteeeeeeeeeeer!” Koishi wails, showing no signs of slowing down. “Whyyyyyyyyyy?”
“S'true!” Satori says, temporarily forgetting you as she scowls up at Koishi. “You are incredibly annoying to deal with sometimes!”
There's an outraged cry from the TURBO-WEDGIED HERETIC. “I saved you from him!”
“No you didn't!” Satori fires back. It seems you are in the middle of some DEEP-SEATED FAMILIAL TENSION. “You were so busy with that fairy that he gave me a new hat!”
Koishi folds her arms under her chest, sticking her tongue out as she CONTINUES SPINNING, which slightly DAMPENS THE EFFECT. “Well, I always said you could use one!”
“Not like this!” Satori snaps, giving her wedgie-hat a demonstrative tug. “Do you have any idea how this feels?!”
“Look at me and say that again!” Koishi shrieks, and Satori winces in SUDDEN REALIZATION and also GUILT.
“I- all right, sorry, you got me there,” she says, looking PRETTY APOLOGETIC.
“Ya damn right!” Koishi says, somehow taking SATISFACTION from her AWFUL SITUATION, which greatly displeases you. “Besides that, I also carried you away before he got ya again!”
“He didn't even do anything to me when he came in here!” Satori says, the FIRES of PASSION stoked once more. “I don't think he's gonna try!”
“YOU REALLY WANNA TEST THAT?” you interject, figuring now is as good a time as any.
“Well, I mean,” Satori says, simmering down IMMEDIATELY at your interruption. “It's, uh, it's not like I can really do much to you, Mr. Liftimus.”
WHAT. “HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW MY NAME.”
She taps her forehead with her flask, smiling lopsidedly. “I can read your mind, oooooooh.”
And then it all clicks: the MUTANT NATURE, the THIRD EYEBALL, even the NICE CASTLE. “OH MY FUCK YOU TWO ARE NAVIGATORS.”
Satori shrugs. “Sure, let's go with that.”
“WELL.” The two sisters fit PERFECTLY into an ACCEPTABLE MUTANT ROLE, which means-
“I'm not goin' anywhere with you,” Satori says, frowning deeply.
“CUT THAT SHIT OUT.”
“Nah.”
“DO YOU WANT TO JOIN KOISHI UP THERE BECAUSE THAT CAN BE ARRANGED.”
“Go ahead.”
“...YOU'RE TAKING ALL-”
“The fun out of it, I know.”
“FUCKING HELL.”
Satori just giggles, the SOT. “If you think I'm annoying, you haven't even met the oni.”
“WHO THE FUCK NOW?”
“Okay, listen.” She takes this moment to roll onto her stomach and prop her chin up in her hands, the better to look at you straight-on. “Y'ain't from around, with your God-Emperor and heresy and all the angry, so lemme fill ya in.”
“Go eat his dick while you're at it, you traitor!” Koishi shouts, CLEARLY BOTHERED at being ignored.
As Satori's mouth hangs open in SHOCK, you reach up and SPIN THE FAN. Any further curses from Koishi are lost to a sudden burst of WAILING as her predicament REASSERTS ITSELF.
With Koishi silenced, in a manner of speaking, you turn back to Satori. “ANY TIME, BITCHQUEEN.”
She shakes her head, getting back in the game. “Right, uh, right. Well! Oni!”
“WHAT THE FUCK ABOUT THEM.”
She smacks a hand into her booze-dispenser. “They have horns?”
“MUTANTS, GOT IT.”
“And are really strong and like to fight?”
“ORKS, GOT IT.”
“And also they're not really that religious so you might have problems getting them to-”
“FAITHLESS ASSHOLES, GOT IT.” A MORE PRESSING issue occurs to you. “HEY, YOU GOT ANY PIZZA PLACES AROUND HERE? IF I'M GONNA BE STANDING AROUND LAUGHING AT YOUR SHIT-AWFUL SISTER I WANT A SNACK.”
Satori cocks her head. “Pizza?”
“MOTHERFUCK.” You BARELY RESTRAIN the urge to punch her, for you are not the kind of Space Marine who beats the BEARER OF BAD NEWS, unless they're a HERETIC who's DELIBERATELY TAUNTING YOU, in which case ALL BETS ARE OFF.
“Well, we do have a taco house.” Satori scratches her cheek, suddenly embarrassed in the way one gets when they realize they have to explain something WEIRD and AWKWARD to an outsider. “The proprietor also, um, also does marriages.”
There is only ONE REASON why she would mention that, and it fills you with DISGUST. “ARE YOU FUCKING HITTING ON ME.”
Her expression of SHOCK is one too sudden to be anything but genuine. “What? No!”
“YOU'D BETTER NOT, BECAUSE THEN I WOULD HAVE TO TAKE YOU OUT ON SEVERAL DATES, WHERE WE WOULD PRAISE THE EMPEROR AND FORM A LOVING RELATIONSHIP. THEN I WOULD HAVE TO MARRY YOU AND WE WOULD HAVE CHILDREN AND I WOULD HAVE TO EDUCATE THEM ON HOW TO PROPERLY SERVE THE EMPEROR AND THIS WOULD EAT INTO ALL MY PURGING TIME.”
“...Really?” Satori asks, her expression a mixture of DREAD and... ANTICIPATION?
You simply GLOWER at her.
“...Thaaaaat's a no,” she says, sighing in RELIEF.
“FUKKEN DUH.”
That HORRIBLE DETOUR out of the way, she remembers that she was busy TELLING YOU SOMETHING. “Well, anyway, I was just mentioning it because that seemed relevant? Since you'd be going there and then you'd see the sign and be wondering and I'm rambling.” Her mouth clicks shut.
“RIGHT. I'LL BE SURE TO VISIT. UNTIL THEN!”
For the next several minutes, you AMUSE YOURSELF GREATLY by observing as Koishi UNDERGOES PENANCE at a HILARIOUS NUMBER OF REVOLUTIONS PER MINUTE.
Eventually she STOPS CRYING and just kind of DANGLES LIMPLY as she slows down. Once she FINALLY STOPS, you walk over and LIFT HER CHIN UP; she looks UTTERLY DEFEATED and INCREDIBLY SAD.
“YO, YA LITTLE STAIN ON THE EMPEROR'S JOCKSTRAP, WHAT THE FUCK IS UP?”
Koishi sniffles, refusing to look you in the eye. “I hate you.”
“WELL GOOD. AFTER ALL, HATRED IS THE PUREST EXPRESSION OF LOVE FOR THE EMPEROR.”
THAT gets her motherfucking ATTENTION. “...What?”
“YOU FUCKING HEARD ME,” you say, SHAKING her FACE around. “THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND IS GREAT AND YOU SHOULD WORSHIP HIM.”
“But- but we're-”
“MUTANTS, I KNOW. FORTUNATELY OUR EMPEROR PROTECTS ALL UNDER HIS BANNER, EVEN YOU SHITS. NOW DO YOU SWEAR FEALTY TO HIM IN YOUR THOUGHTS AND DEEDS?”
She steals a glance at Satori, who is currently SNORING GENTLY on the bed. “What if I say no?”
“THEN YOU CAN ENJOY RIDING THE FAN FOR THE INDEFINITE FUTURE. BECAUSE I WILL BE HERE. WATCHING YOU. THE ENTIRE TIME.” You lean in until her nose bumps your faceplate. “AND I CAN GO FOR DAYS WITHOUT NEEDING TO TAKE A BREAK, SO SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY I'M GONNA GET BORED AND SWITCH THINGS UP.”
She cringes as she thinks of what other HERESY-PURGING TECHNIQUES you might come up with. “I- um, praise the Emperor?”
“FUCK YEAH!” You promptly UNHOOK HER from the FAN, leaving it intact ONLY because you might need to use it again. Once you've set Koishi on her feet, she tries to HOBBLE AWAY from you, but she CANNOT WALK STRAIGHT, which is both a SIGN OF SUCCESS and KIND OF ANNOYING for how you're going to be ON THE ROAD. “ALSO I OWN YOU NOW.”
Koishi just WHIMPERS as she UNDOES HER WEDGIE.
“GLAD YOU AGREE WITH IT.” That matter dealt with, you POKE SATORI, which wakes her up.
“Whuh?” she says, blinking rapidly up at you.
“DO YOU SWEAR FEALTY TO THE EMPEROR?”
She eyes her flask longingly for a moment, then drops the empty thing. “Sure, why not.”
“AWESOME!” You haul her OFF THE BED and set her up straight. She SWAYS DRUNKENLY, which is NOT MUCH OF A SURPRISE. Considering BOTH SISTERS are in NO STATE TO WALK PROPERLY, you pick them both up and sling your NEW PETS over your shoulders, for you TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for those under your command. They FEEBLY PROTEST, but don't do much else.
Ms. Cuddles and Ms. Sunshine are patiently waiting when you march outside, having evidently decided that your RIGHTEOUS SMITING of Koishi was TOO MUCH for their COWARDLY EYES. Their expressions when they see your SHOULDER-WARMERS are a mix of SURPRISED and PLEASED.
“REJOICE, ASSHOLES,” you say, cutting off anything they had to say. “FOR NOW I HAVE TWO NEW PETS TO KEEP YOU COMPANY. ANYWAY, WE GOT SHIT TO DO, SO LET'S GET ROLLING.”
__________
WHAT IS YOUR WILL?
[X] FIRST YOU MUST GET A FULL ACCOUNTING OF ALL SUPPLIES IN THIS CASTLE, FOR YOU SHALL CREATE A FORTRESS OF ASSKICKING. THE HERETICS BELOW CAN WAIT.
[X] WHAT KIND OF PUSSY SITS AROUND DOING FUCKING ACCOUNTING WHEN HE COULD BE OUT KICKING ASS? NOT YOU, THAT'S FOR EMPEROR-DAMN SURE.
[X] FIRST YOU MUST GET A FULL ACCOUNTING OF ALL SUPPLIES IN THIS CASTLE, FOR YOU SHALL CREATE A FORTRESS OF ASSKICKING. THE HERETICS BELOW CAN WAIT.
OUR NAME IS DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS, AND OUR JOB IS TO TAKE OVER GENSOKYO AND HAVE EVERY SINGLE LIVING BEING, NO MATTER HOW HERETICAL, AS PETS THROUGH THE POWER OF TACOS AND OWN THE MOST EXPENSIVE, MOST EXQUISITE, MOST UNIQUE __POWER BANQUET HALL SET__ IN THE UNIVERSE!!!
“HERE'S WHAT WE'LL DO,” you say to your ASSEMBLED CROWD, since you TIME-SKIPPED back to the DINING ROOM, where everyone under your command has gathered together, FAIRIES and PETS alike. “ALL THE ASSES IN THIS CITY NEED TO BE KICKED.” You point at the block of fairies standing at attention. “NOW YOU IDIOTS ARE PROBABLY JUST GONNA DIE IF EVERYTHING I HEARD ABOUT THESE 'ONI' IS RIGHT, SO I WANT Y'ALL TO HOLD DOWN THE CASTLE FOR ME WHILE I'M OUT.”
“Aye-aye, Captain Liftimus!” they belt out, completely out of sync with each other, but it is the THOUGHT that counts.
“I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS TITLE BUT I WILL TAKE IT,” you say. “AS FOR YOU FOUR,” -you sweep your hand over your PETS, who are standing apart from the fairies and looking VARYING DEGREES of DISCONTENT (Satori still wearing her WEDGIE HAT, no less)- “YOU WILL FOLLOW ME. WE WILL KICK ASS. IT WILL BE FUCK-AWESOME. THERE WILL BE TACOS AFTERWARDS.”
“Tacos?” says one fairy in the crowd, STARRY-EYED.
“Tacos!” says another, pumping her fists.
“TACOOOOOOOOS!” screams a third.
The ENTIRE CROWD starts yelling excitedly about TACO NIGHT and fighting each other for NO REASON, which just goes to show that you got THE BEST OF THE BEST for your minions. After they've punched the enthusiasm out of each other, you STOMP to get their attention. “YES, I WILL BE GETTING TACOS. SO MANY TACOS. ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE HERE.”
The ROAR of TACO-APPROVAL from your FAIRY MOB tells you these are some EASILY-HYPED assholes, which is AWESOME.
“BUT!” They shaddup to listen; GOOD DISCIPLINE. “WHILE I AM OUT I NEED SOME OF YOU ASSHOLES TO GO OVER WHAT WE'VE GOT IN THIS CASTLE, FOR AS I HAVE OWNED YOUR MASTERS, I NOW OWN THIS PLACE AS WELL.”
Satori looks like she wants to MAKE AN ISSUE of this, but wisely decides not to. The fairies, meanwhile, all SALUTE in a VARIETY of ways. You'll have to drill them on PROPER FORM later, but this is a good start.
“GET TO WORK!” you bellow, and they fukken scatter with NO PLAN IN MIND. Well, they'll have plenty of time to figure things out, but for now, you have SHIT to KICK IN.
“Sooooo...” says Ms. Cuddles, scuffing the floor with her shoe. “I, uh, I take it we're all going down to town?”
“YOU FUCKING KNOW IT!” you say, SWEEPING THEM ALL UP in your MIGHTY ARMS. “GET COMFORTABLE ON MY HUGE SHOULDERS, BITCHES, FOR THIS IS THE BEST WAY TO TRAVEL!”
__________
After some INTENSE FINAGLING to get everyone COMFORTABLE (Alas that you only have SO MUCH shoulder real-estate to go around), you wind up ATOP THE CASTLE ROOF, staring down at the UNDERGROUND CITY (you have to give them CREDIT for STRAIGHTFORWARD NAMING).
“SO WHAT THE FUCK AM I LOOKING AT HERE?” you ask, squinting for ANY SIGN of HERESY. This vantage point does not actually help you discover any, to your EXTREME ANNOYANCE.
“What're you trying to find in the first place?” Satori asks, perched on your LEFT PAULDRON next to Koishi; they're able to comfortably co-exist together by virtue of being SMALL BITCHES.
“TACOS. BOOZE. HERESY. ORDER'S NOT IMPORTANT.”
“Well!” says Ms. Sunshine, who has Ms. Cuddles SITTING in her LAP because Sunshine is FUCKING HUGE and takes up all the space on your RIGHT PAULDRON with her FAT ASS. “I always like visiting Big Papa's House of Looooooove! And Tacos!”
“THIS DOES NOT SOUND LIKE MY KIND OF PLACE BUT IT WILL HAVE TO DO,” you say. “NOW WHERE CAN A MOTHERFUCKER GET A DRINK WHEN HE'S DONE BEATING OTHER MOTHERFUCKERS?”
“Pretty much everywhere?” says Ms. Cuddles. “Seriously, the only thing oni like more than fighting is drinking.”
You are LIKING IT HERE ALREADY. “HELL YEAH.”
__________
[X] To the TACO PLACE, for you are GETTING HUNGRY, HOMBRE.
[X] To the NEAREST BAR, for you want to GET RIPSHIT-FUKKEN-SLOSHED.
[X] Just wander around at RANDOM and beat up anyone who looks PARTICULARLY HERETICAL. You are sure to have NO SHORTAGE of those types.
[X] To the TACO PLACE, for you are GETTING HUNGRY, HOMBRE.
-[X] Afterwards its to the NEAREST BAR, for you want to GET RIPSHIT-FUKKEN-SLOSHED.
--[X] All while just wandering around at RANDOM and beat up anyone who looks PARTICULARLY HERETICAL. You are sure to have NO SHORTAGE of those types.
YOU FOOL! MISLEADING HERETIC! THERE ARE SEVEN O'S IN LOOOOOOOVE! I just checked. Curse you for making me do that.
No. 186097 File 144814887755.jpg
- (467.47KB, 1070x1010, IT'S ONLY KIND OF RELEVANT BUT HEY.jpg)
[iqdb]
You see MANY HORNED DUDES and LADIES as you TROMP through the city, garnering LOADS OF WEIRD LOOKS, what with your FOUR PETS and HUGE STATURE. None of them decide to FIGHT YOU, however, which ANNOYS YOU GREATLY because that would REALLY LIVEN THIS TRIP UP.
As it stands, you reach Big Papa's House of Looooooove and Tacos WITHOUT INCIDENT. It is a BIG and GAUDY building, with VERY NICE STONEWORK and ADVERTISEMENTS on the walls. You feel like doing this yourself, so you set everyone down via the time-tested method of SHRUGGING THEM OFF. Everyone hits the ground in an AWKWARD MANNER.
“OKAY, KIDS,” you say to them, “STAY HERE, 'CAUSE ADULTS ARE GOING TO TALK.”
That out of the way, you HEADBUTT the door off its hinges and walk in. This place has plenty of FLASHY DECORATIONS, like the GOLD-EMBOSSED ALTAR, which seems MILDLY HERETICAL because you could probably make an AWESOME STATUE of the EMPEROR instead with that much gold. There is also a FOOD COUNTER with all the TACO IMPLEMENTS you could EVER DESIRE.
Most importantly of all, there is the MILDLY SURPRISED AND HUGE PROPRIETOR of this FOOD-TEMPLE, a WHITE-SUITED, TOP-HATTED, APRON-WEARING, CHEF HATTED-ATOP-HIS-TOP-HAT, BLING-BEDECKED, MONOCLED, SMILING MOTHERFUCKER who is AS TALL AS YOU ARE HOLY SHIT.
“HAVE YOU HEARD OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND?” you yell by way of introduction, marching up to him.
Big Papa, for he is the BIGGEST IN HERE and that means he is PROBABLY THE OWNER, greets you with a BROAD SMILE. “I can't say that I have, my man!”
“WELL THAT MEANS YOU'RE A FUCKING HERETIC, BUT FEAR NOT!” You get into a REAL INTENSE EYEBALLING CONTEST. “I AM HERE TO SPREAD HIS HOLY WORD! FIRST, THOUGH, TACOS. GIMME TACOS.”
“Well, I've never seen your type here before, but if you want tacos, you came to the right place, friend!” His smile NEVER LEAVES HIS FACE. It is MILDLY INFURIATING. “And if you want yourself some looooooove to go with it, I also preside over marriages!”
“JUST GIVE ME THE FUCKING TACOS ALREADY.”
He blinks at your STRAIGHTFORWARDNESS, but his smile seems to be GLUED ON. “How many, my large friend?”
You point at the FOOD-PREP TABLE. “ALL THE TACOS. EVERY LAST ONE. I WILL HIRE YOU TO MAKE TACOS EXCLUSIVELY FOR ME.”
Big Papa unleashes a deep BELLY LAUGH (and by FUCK does he have a lot of belly to go around). “I can give you the tacos, friend, but I can't work for you! I gotta spread my message of looooooove to everybody!”
“THIS SADDENS ME, BUT OKAY.”
“First, though,” Big Papa says, and his smile becomes APOLOGETIC, “I need you to actually pay me. I am running a business here, after all.”
FUCK. You just realized YOU DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY.
“HEY, ASSHOLES!” you shout over your shoulder. “GET IN HERE! YOUR MASTER IS IN NEED OF FUNDING!”
Your pets FILE IN. Big Papa takes one look at them and his smile FALTERS. “Oh, no, my sweet lil' chickadees, you look awful!”
“He gave me a wedgie,” Satori says, gesturing demonstratively at her hat.
“He gave me a wedgie and then hung me from a ceiling fan,” Koishi adds, still EXTREMELY SAD.
“He slapped me for getting a question wrong,” says Ms. Cuddles, shrinking as you GLARE AT HER.
“He threw exploding skulls into my face!” Ms. Sunshine finishes, all smiles.
Big Papa gives you the kind of LOOK you usually see on Chapter Master Temperus's face when someone mentions HERESY. “Mister,” he says, without ANY FRIENDLINESS. “Is what they say true?”
“FUCK YEAH- OOF”
You blink through the shower of stone falling on your helmet. You are PRETTY SURE you were standing just a moment ago, so how you ended up FLAT ON YOUR BACK outside is SOMETHING OF A MYSTERY.
Oh. Wait. You're in an ALLEYWAY, and there is a HOLE in the wall ahead of you.
That was a FUCKING AWESOME PUNCH, you decide.
“FINALLY!” you say, rising up as Big Papa steps through the hole, working his knuckles over. “A BOSS FIGHT!”
“Here I was thinking my brawling days were behind me,” he says, SIZING YOU UP. “But for you, mister, I think I can come out of retirement. After all, I don't think you've been showing those lovely girls proper respect.”
“THEY'RE MY FUCKING PETS,” you say, dusting yourself off. “I'LL DO WHAT I WANT.”
Big Papa wags a finger. “No no, mister, you ain't got the right attitude! You gotta let go of your anger, open your heart up to looooooove, you hear me?”
“...HAVE YOU TAKEN A SINGLE FUCKING LOOK AT ME?” You jerk a thumb at the words engraved on your chest-plate, just above the Chapter's icon. “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK THIS SAYS?”
He squints. “...I can't read that, mister.”
FUCKING ILLITERATES. “IT SAYS ALWAYS ANGRY, ALL THE TIME. AND I ALSO GOT THESE ANGRY FACES ON MY SHOULDERS AND MY CHEST AND- COME THE FUCK ON. THIS IS LITERALLY MY THING.”
“Well, I suppose it was too much to hope you'd listen straight off, mister.” Big Papa sadly shakes his head. “Maybe you'll come around after I give you a more hands-on demonstration of the power of looooooove.”
Your head TWITCHES of its own volition in an expression of your UTTER RAGE. “I SWEAR TO FUCK IF YOU SAY LOOOOOOOVE ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME I AM GOING TO POUR HOT SAUCE INTO YOUR ASSHOLE.”
Big Papa SMILES AGAIN, but this time IT IS NOT FRIENDLY AT ALL. “That's a mighty specific threat, friend!”
“AND I'LL MAKE FUCKING GOOD ON IT TOO, FAGGOT.”
__________
[X] HE'S NOT THE ONLY ASSHOLE WHO CAN PUNCH SOMEONE THROUGH A WALL.
[X] YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD MAKE AN AWESOME BLUDGEON? THAT ALTAR. GET THAT FIRST.
[X] YOU ARE OUTSIDE, WHERE THERE ARE MOTHERFUCKERS TO PICK UP AND BEAT OTHER MOTHERFUCKERS WITH. THIS IS A GOOD PLAN.
>>186094 GAAAAAAAAAAAA FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFU-
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[X] YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD MAKE AN AWESOME BLUDGEON? THAT ALTAR. GET THAT FIRST.
BECAUSE SCREW POWER BANQUET HALL SET, WE HAVE POWER CHAPEL NOW
[X] YOU ARE OUTSIDE, WHERE THERE ARE MOTHERFUCKERS TO PICK UP AND BEAT OTHER MOTHERFUCKERS WITH. THIS IS A GOOD PLAN.
LETS GET MORE FUCKERS INTO FIGHT AND MAKE IT A BRAWL ENCOMPASSING THE WHOLE UNDERGROUND! THERES NO WAY THAT CAN GO WRONG! AND THE COLLATERAL WONT BE HORRIFIC EITHER!!!
No. 186130 File 144825584291.jpg
- (148.01KB, 1024x958, CAN YOU GUESS WHAT TIME IT IS.jpg)
[iqdb]
Now, you're no pussy, but when it comes to brawling with a motherfucker who's as big (if not BIGGER) than you are, you've never been one to turn down a weapon.
Like, for example, the motherfucker's friends.
“DOOOOOOOOOOOODGE” you bellow as you dive sideways, evading a wall-busting punch from Big Papa. You land in a street with a SMALL NUMBER of ONLOOKERS and end up facing A BIG HORNY GUY. “WOULD YOU LIKE TO SERVE THE EMPEROR'S WILL?” you yell, and then pick him up by the legs before he can respond. “THANK YOU FOR VOLUNTEERING!”
You spin around, swinging your screaming cudgel, and bowl SEVERAL OTHER DUDES OVER just as Big Papa leaps at you, fist outstretched. Your HUGE MAN hits him in his HUGE FACE, both of them flying away through ANOTHER BUILDING.
“AND IT'S A HOOOOOOOOOOOME RUN!” you belt out, before a YOU-SIZED ROCK flies out from the hole and sends YOUR ASS through an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT BUILDING.
You TAKE BACK everything you said about the architecture here; you would gladly take PAPER WALLS as opposed to THIS SHIT, fucking OW. Looking around, you seem to be in a BAR with plenty of SURPRISED PATRONS, and a glance down shows a BROKEN TABLE beneath you. You're spared the trouble of shifting this FUCK-LARGE ROCK off your chest when THREE ONI heave it off for you.
“THANKS, ASSHOLES-WHOA NOW,” you say, as two grab your arms and the third hauls you to your feet. They look VERY CROSS, and the one in front of you raises a BROKEN BOTTLE.
“You spilled our drinks!” he says, and then he STABS YOU. Or tries, because his bottle just SHATTERS COMPLETELY against your armor.
“YOU DARE TRY TO SHANK ONE OF THE EMPEROR'S ANGELS WITH SUCH A SHITTY WEAPON?” you ask, TREMBLING with HATE. “I AM INSULTED, FAGGOT!”
You BREAK FREE of your two ARM-HOLDERS, because their arms are as sticks compared to your MIGHTY THEWS, and HEADBUTT the prick ahead of you so hard EVERY BONE IN HIS FACE SHATTERS. Before he hits the ground, before his buddies can even THINK of trying anything, you grab each remaining motherfucker's leg and CHARGE OUTSIDE.
“FEAR THE EMPEROR'S WRATH!” you yell at Big Papa, who is looking SLIGHTLY BRUISED as he stands in the street with ANOTHER HUGE ROCK in his arms. You PITCH your MISSILE ONI at him. They hit his rock and BREAK BOTH IT AND THEMSELVES, but that's okay, for you are already delivering a POWER MISSILE DROPKICK to Big Papa's GRINNING MUG WAIT SHIT-
He catches your OUTSTRETCHED LEGS and SPINS. “And awaaaaaaaay you go!” he says, LOOSING YOU through the air, over the GATHERING CROWD, and headfirst through TOO MANY HOUSES.
Your head FUCKING HURTS like a BITCH, but you pick yourself up, blink away the fuzzies, and end up staring at a LARGE BATHTUB with a NAKED ONI LADY inside it, who looks more nonplussed than angry at your interruption.
“Can I help you?” she asks, shrinking beneath the SOAPY WATER as you loom at her.
“JUST PASSING THROUGH, MA'AM,” you say, pointing at the hole you left in the bathroom wall. “NOW EXCUSE ME, I HAVE ASSES TO KICK.”
She just nods, but apparently she DOES NOT UNDERSTAND what you meant by that as you PICK THE TUB UP, sloshing bathwater all over yourself; the tub's occupant yelps, but refuses to be dislodged so easily, her legs pressing against the foot of the tub as she pushes her hands against the top. This is FINE, because that means you have THAT MUCH EXTRA WEIGHT for your bludgeoning.
You hurl yourself through the hole to land in the street, tub held high, and find the crowd and your HERETICAL FOE have made their way here with SURPRISING QUICKNESS. The RANDOM BYSTANDERS are keeping a ring around the area, preventing any EASY ESCAPE. Not that you'd want to, because what are you, some kind of faggot?
“HOWDY, COCKFAG,” you say, hefting your latest and greatest power-weapon. “YOU WANNA HAVE A GO? I WANNA HAVE A FUCKING GO.”
“Lady?” says Big Papa, eyeing your cudgel with DEEP CONCERN. “You don't wanna be in there 'fore we get back to it.”
“Oh no,” says your tub-occupant, EERILY CALM. “This is perfectly fine. I like huge lunatics breaking into my house and then hauling me off with them.”
It's been like ten seconds without something being punched and you're starting to get MORE PISSED OFF, something that is only alleviated when you spy your PETS watching from the crowd. Ms. Sunshine cheerily waves her rod, Ms. Cuddles perched on her opposite shoulder. “Get 'im!” shouts the crow, and her gesture of support BOLSTERS your RESOLVE- “I believe in you, Big Papa!”
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF- __________
[X] FUCK THIS PANSY TALKING SHIT THROW THE TUB DO IT NOW DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT
[X] YOU GOTTA STOP THROWING AWAY PERFECTLY GOOD CUDGELS WHEN YOU CAN JUST CHARGE THE MOTHERFUCKER AND BEAT HIM WITH IT
[X] No you know what talking is fine talking is okay talking is SERIOUSLY STARTING TO PISS YOU OFF
>>186130 “Oh no,” says your tub-occupant, EERILY CALM. “This is perfectly fine. I like huge lunatics breaking into my house and then hauling me off with them.”
Either you just pissed off SOMEONE ELSE, or you just ROMANCED an ONI the TRADITIONAL WAY, and now we have to challenge her MAN/WOMAN/CHAMPION.
EITHER WAY, something ELSE is COMING TO HURT US.
[X] YOU GOTTA STOP THROWING AWAY PERFECTLY GOOD CUDGELS WHEN YOU CAN JUST CHARGE THE MOTHERFUCKER AND BEAT HIM WITH IT
THEREFORE, we KEEP OUR KIDNAPPING VICTIM WITH US. MAYBE she might even THROW SOME PUNCHES when we SWING HER.
It occurs to you that, despite all these HANDY CLUBS standing around, you've been erring too far on the TOSSING SHIT end of things, as opposed to what you initially planned, which was to pick up a motherfucker and beat this motherfucker with that aforementioned motherfucker. Now you have another club resting on your shoulder, and this time, you are NOT going to throw it. This is a GENIUS PLAN.
“HEY,” you say, as quietly as you can manage. “HEY. FAGGOT. GUESS WHAT TIME IT IS?”
The tub-woman does not look amused. “What?”
“IT'S TIME FOR HIM TO FEEL THE EMPEROR'S WRATH, BITCH!” With that simple declaration, you charge Big Papa, tub hauled back for a truly FACE-BUSTING swing.
A “Fffffffffffffffffff-” comes from your weapon's occupant, but she refuses to jump out from the tub to save herself, so it's entirely her fault she's involved in what comes next, which is you smashing the tub to little rocky bits against Big Papa's SUDDENLY RAISED ARMS, soapy water flying over EVERYTHING IN THE VICINITY.
Naturally, without a tub to stay inside in the first place, the NAKED LADY hits Big Papa hard and bounces off, decidedly stunned. Before she hits the ground, however, you reach out and CATCH HER in your HUGE ARMS. SOMEHOW, she is PERFECTLY SOAPED UP in such a fashion that you CANNOT SEE her BITS.
Big Papa is reeling from your MASSIVE STRENGTH, which gives you the PERFECT CHANCE to ADJUST YOUR GRIP on your latest acquisition. She's actually on the short and slender side, which is a BIT OF A RARITY if the crowd around you is anything to go off of, but you'll make do with what you've got.
Your HUMANOID CUDGEL manages a breathless little scream before you smash her straight into Big Papa again, and her CURLY HORNS catch him RIGHT IN THE FACE. He goes flying through another building, taking several of the crowd with him, and with this brief respite you readjust your grip on your weapon's legs; gotta have PROPER FORM when beating the shit out of dudes, after all.
“Thassa helluva swing you got there,” she slurs, eyes crossed from CRANIAL TRAUMA even as a GOOFY SMILE slips onto her face. “Do- do that again, would ya?”
If someone had told you earlier that today that you would be beating a GIANT, CHEF-HAT WEARING TACO HERETIC with another NAKED, SOAPED-UP HERETIC who WANTED YOU TO DO SO, you would have beaten the piss out of the guy on the grounds that it was EXTREME BULLSHIT.
“YOU ARE KIND OF A FUCKING WEIRDO,” you say, but GODDAMN IT if she's willing then you are going to OBLIGE HER. “BEFORE WE GET TO IT, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?”
“...Saki?” she says, in the kind of tone that suggests she ISN'T ENTIRELY SURE anymore.
“COOL. MAYBE I WILL GIVE YOU A PET NAME LATER, BUT FOR NOW, CHAAAAAAAAAAARGE!”
You leap into the building, buoyed by a sudden CHEERING from the crowd behind you, because apparently these assholes love to watch people beat the shit out of each other here; an ADMIRABLE PASTIME, to be sure.
“KNOCK KNOCK, MOTHERFUCKERS!” you bellow, hauling your WILLING CUDGEL back in preparation for another face-busting blow. Big Papa, the four dudes who went with him, and the rest of this OCCUPIED BAR as well, are looking DECIDEDLY CROSS with you at this juncture.
There are DOZENS OF THEM. PERFECT.
“Friends!” says Big Papa, pointing you out. “Who wants to join me in showing this man the power of looooooove?”
They all jump up sans the BARTENDER, who just sighs and keeps polishing a mug.
Your cudgel giggles, probably concussed. “Lemme at 'em!”
She shows COMMENDABLE GUSTO, and this pleases you. “OF-FUCKING-COURSE, BITCH! LET'S GO!”
Tables are FLIPPED, bottles are SMASHED, fists are RAISED, and SEVERAL DOZEN ONI come at you ALL AT ONCE. So, naturally, you HOLD YOUR GROUND and SWING as hard as you fucking can the moment the first wave gets in range. Half a dozen oni get FLOORED by your living weapon, and you're already swinging again by the time the second wave close in, meeting the SAME RESULTS as their friends.
The rest of the mob stops outside your INSTANT-BEATING RADIUS, hesitating just for a moment, and you capitalize on this with a scream of “EMPRAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
It is NOT your most ORIGINAL battle cry, but it FUCKING WORKS so SHUT UP.
Your every MIGHTY BLOW wrecks the SHIT out of more heretics; TABLES are being destroyed, PEOPLE are SCREAMING, there's BLOOD EVERYWHERE, and throughout it all your weapon is just GIGGLING like a FUCKING IDIOT.
Naturally, this situation calls for some INSPIRING COMBAT DIALOGUE.
“FEAR THE EMPEROR'S WRATH!”
SMASH
“NO MERCY, NO RESPITE!”
SMASH
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-”
SMASH
…
WELL.
THAT SEEMS TO BE EVERYBODY.
The entire bar is COVERED in BODIES and BLOOD and BROKEN FURNITURE, and the only people still standing are YOU at one end, a bloody, hatless, de-monocled BIG PAPA at the other, and the BARTENDER, who looks like this happens ALL THE TIME. Your ONI-CUDGEL is dangling LIMP in your arms, having been BEATEN UNCONSCIOUS somewhere along the way.
“THAT'S THE POWER OF LOOOOOOOVE, HUH, ASSHOLE?” you ask, looking around at your carnage. “LOOKS LIKE SHIT.”
Big Papa whistles, his smile WIDE and MISSING SEVERAL TEETH, and then he LAUGHS. “Gotta admit, friend, you're putting me through a real workout! I haven't had a fight like this in- well, it's been a while! I'd forgotten how fun it could be!”
“I NOTICED, YOU RUSTY OLD FUCK. NOW ARE YOU GOING TO KEEP TALKING OR CAN WE GET BACK TO BEATING THE EVER-LOVING SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER?”
The bartender slams a mug on the counter. “Fellas?” he says, tone level. “If y'all wanna keep fighting, take it outside.”
“FUCK YOU.”
Big Papa, meanwhile, studies the mess around you, and shrugs. “Might be we'll have better footing outside, mister. After all...” His smile grows WIDER. “The footing here, well, it's awful nasty. Might be I'd slip, or you would, and then it may as well be over.”
“...ARE YOU FUCKING IMPLYING I CAN'T BEAT YOU FAIRLY?”
“Might be.”
“GET THE FUCK OUT THERE, ASSHOLE,” you say, every last muscle in your body QUAKING in HATRED. “I'M GONNA SHOVE THOSE WORDS SO FAR DOWN YOUR THROAT YOU'LL BE SHITTING VOWELS FOR WEEKS.”
He LAUGHS again, and backs out through the door. You're about to join him when your beater of motherfuckers TWITCHES and WHIMPERS, her previously BOUNDLESS ENTHUSIASM evidently not armor enough against the heretics you've pummeled her with.
__________
[X] YOU HAVE SERVED THE EMPEROR WELL SO FAR, SMALL ONI, BUT HE STILL HAS NEED OF YOUR SERVICES IN TEACHING MOTHERFUCKERS RIGHT FROM WRONG.
[X] YOU DONE DID GOOD, LIL' HERETIC. TAKE A NAP, DOYOU HAS BUSINESS TO TAKE CARE OF.
Shenanigans! This fight is fixed! Big Papa totally should have kicked that marine's ass by now.
No. 186243 File 144842146072.jpg
- (96.71KB, 620x465, THE ONLY SENSIBLE REACTION.jpg)
[iqdb]
You consider this mutant's valiant service in the Emperor's name to be SUFFICIENT, and as such she has earned herself a reprieve. On the other hand, you really can't just keep hauling her around SANS CLOTHES all the time, because that starts veering into DANGEROUSLY SLAANESHI territory. Fortunately, you just BEAT THE SHIT out of several dozen people, so you simply grab a large faggot's shirt and rip it off him. Sure, it's not really a shirt after that, more like just a dirty sheet with holes in it, but you are INVENTIVE and MAKING DO with what you have. Once you've got your mutant PROPERLY WRAPPED UP, you sling her over a shoulder and march outside.
ONCE AGAIN, onlookers have relocated to watch you WRECK FACE. Several among the crowd are PEDDLING SNACKS, including BIG PAPA, who somehow procured a TACO STAND while you were inside, and your PETS are currently CHATTING WITH THE ENEMY as he satisfies their CRAVING FOR SOFT-SHELLS.
“OI, SHITHEADS!” you yell at them. “MAKE YOURSELVES USEFUL!”
You lob Saki their way, and Ms. Sunshine is ON THE BALL, stuffing an ENTIRE TACO into her mouth as she whirls around and catches your missile. With your FAITHFUL BEATSTICK properly taken care of, you ready yourself to deliver a RIGHT AND PROPER BEATING as Big Papa closes up shop.
“WHAT UP, COCKFAG?” you say, idly clenching and unclenching your fists. “YOU WANTED A FAIR FIGHT, WELL YOU FUCKING GOT IT! COME AT ME!”
“Fine by me, mister!” he says, and then he picks up the TACO STAND and THROWS IT AT YOU, that PIECE OF SHIT. The moment before it hit you, your MIGHTY POWER FIST lashes out, splitting it down the middle. But it was a RUSE, for Big Papa is FLYING AT YOU; his fist SLAMS into your FACE and you FLY AGAIN (FUCKING HELL) through the CROWD. There are SHOUTS of OUTRAGE from onlookers as you pick yourself up, having left a trail of FLATTENED ONI, and then ONE MOTHERFUCKER takes a swing at you.
You grab his arm and SPIN AROUND, flailing the sonuvabitch through the crowd and clearing a nice circle around yourself, with BODIES FLYING and ONI SWEARING and SEVERAL OTHERS trying to HIT YOU, but they are all AWFUL and EASILY DEFEATED. The moment you clear yourself some breathing room, Big Papa calls out a “My man!” from above, and you look up just in time to see that BELLY-FLOPPING RETARD FALLING AT YOUR HEAD SHIT-
You are slammed onto your back by SEVERAL HUNDRED POUNDS of HUGE DUDE, so of course you ACTIVATE your POWER LIMBS and PUNCH HIM in the sides. Normally this would EVISCERATE THE PRICK, but both a lack of proper momentum and Big Papa being a TOUGH MOTHERFUCKER means your punches do jack shit before he headbutts you REALLY FUCKING HARD.
It's kind of a haze what happens next, but you've still got enough sense in you to REALLY FEEL IT when he SITS UP and starts BEATING THE SHIT out of your FACE; he's SMILING the entire time, too, the BASTARD.
After a few more seconds of this, the fog clears, and the pain comes through EXCEPTIONALLY CLEARLY. “ENOUGH OF YOUR SHIT!” you snarl, your POWER FIST catching him straight in the SOLAR PLEXUS. That gets his eyes bugging out, and you use this chance to slug him on the JAW with your other POWER FIST, knocking him off you. He's just landed on his back when you roll onto him, fist cocked back, and return your earlier beating WITH INTEREST.
“ACCEPT THIS BENEDICTION, FAGMASTER!” you scream, every last punch you deal him SO FUCKING SATISFYING you wish you could save this moment in time and rewind it OVER AND OVER. You shatter his NOSE and his JAW and his FACE IN GENERAL before he retaliates with a COUNTERPUNCH that sends you BLASTING OFF AGAIN.
DUDE'S PRETTY SWOLE, YOU GUESS.
Your latest flight takes you BOWLING FOR ONI, and by the Emperor's jockstrap are there a SHITLOAD OF THEM to knock down. Once you roll to a stop over several dudes, you take note of how EVERY LAST MOTHERFUCKER looking down at you is PRETTY PISSED OFF.
“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ASSHOLES STARING AT?” you bellow, in NO MOOD for more annoying bitches trying to take you on. “DO YOU HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM?”
That SETS 'EM OFF, and you quickly find yourself being KICKED VIGOROUSLY. You pull one cocksucker's legs out from beneath him, and the rest take that as their cue to BURY YOU underneath their MANY BODIES and PUNCHY FISTS.
“GET SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME” you bellow, before the last trace of light is swallowed by SOME FAGGOT getting in the way.
__________
No. 186281 File 144849909369.png
- (282.89KB, 600x520, THIS IS MY LIFE AND IT IS TERRIBLE.png)
[iqdb]
I open my eyes.
I immediately shut them again, because pain.
Right now it feels like someone's holding me in their arms, which, you know, kind of weird? But at the same time, it's nice. Bit drafty, though, but I guess that's only natural when some golden giant breaks through a wall and carries you off in your bathtub with him. I'm vaguely aware of something happening between that and ending up here, insomuch as it involved lots of yelling and me being smashed into people. That thought triggers a fresh wave of pain through my skull, which feels like someone just used it as an accessory to several murders.
These two things are probably related.
As are the shouting and meaty THWACKS of dudes getting pummeled a short distance away, now that I think about it.
Right, well, I don't think laying around being useless is gonna do me favors right now, so I crack my eyes open (no not the light it buuuuuuuurns) and end up staring at three eyeballs belonging to the lady who's apparently carrying me?
“Muh,” I slurble (a portmanteau of slur and mumble!), eyelids fluttering rapidly as I try to process this; three eyes can't be right, you know? Especially cuz one's all big and red and the size of my hand and on her chest, unlike the other two, which have the common decency to belong on her face. “Gurf,” I say, experimentally trying out syllables to see if I can do words good. “Fegh?”
The eyeball-lady is looking increasingly concerned (maybe that's just because she has a giant bruise for a face though), but she smiles broadly anyway at my awful attempts at talking.
“You're alive again!” she says, hugging me very carefully, because otherwise my horns would be stabbing her and no one would be happy with that. “I was worried there for a bit, because you weren't really moving and your bleeding was really shallow and I thought I was gonna have to dump you in the furnace to cover up a murder!”
“Alive,” I croak, spurred by desperation to form an actual word oh my goodness, just in case she was getting any wrong ideas. I glance down, and- yep, right, the bath thing would explain the draft. At least I've got this- I hesitate to call it a shirt because it isn't really, but it's wrapped around me good enough to serve for the moment.
“Ah, she's awake,” says a shorter, pink-haired lady with bloomers pulled on top of her head. She looks unhappy. “You're damn right I am,” she says, her eyes unfocused in the sure sign of someone drunkenly wondering how they arrived at this point in their life. I know that look because I've been there myself! Not that I've ever seen it on- on- her name started with an S, I know that much, uh-
“Satori,” Satori helpfully supplies. She takes a swig from a bottle of what's probably alcohol, and she has another in her off hand.
“ 'ey, Sssssstory,” I say, lifting a hand up a bit, which requires INTENSE PHYSICAL EFFORT NNGAHHH okay just gonna let that flop back down. “Hat?”
“Believe me,” she says, gesturing at her headwear with her other bottle, her grim expression growing somehow darker. “I don't want this. None of us want this.”
“I'm having fun!” says eyeball-girl, ruffling my hair for emphasis.
Satori points at my carrier. “I've been given a turbo-wedgie, Okuu, so shut the fuck up.” As Okuu gasps like she'd been slapped, Satori hocks up a gob of phlegm, which is really disgusting. “Fuck you, you don't got the right to judge me.”
Oh-kay, clearly she's not in a good mood.
“What gave it away, moron?”
Aaaaand the mind-reading, yes, that's- something she does. All of the time.
“Oh, fuck off.” Satori punctuates this by stuffing both bottles into her mouth at once, tilting her head back, and chugging.
Okuu is looking pretty upset by all this nasty language, or maybe just from Satori's attitude, I'm not entirely sure which. In any case, she huffs, turning around and still cradling me like I'd shatter to bits if she let go; in all fairness, she's probably right!
“Master Liftimus threw you at me and told me to be useful,” she whispers, ruffling my hair with one hand while the other runs up and down the back of my legs what. “Golly! I get to be a nurse, like in Orin's comics!”
“Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnope!” says another girl, this one a redhead with kitty ears and a tail and a giant blush, and she sidles up to Okuu and grabs her arm. “Nope, nope, not here, not now, please be thinking of other things like-”
Satori's head jerks forward, the bottles falling out of her mouth with a pop, and she glares our way all glassy-eyed. “I just saw everything, Rin. You filthy animal.”
“Awwww, shit,” says Rin, and then she freaking legs it. Satori lurches after her, hollering something foul, and disappears upstream through all the oni coming here to see what all the yelling's about.
Speaking of! “'Zat a fight?” I ask, because now that I've had a minute to get my bearings, the noises of people in serious distress are coming through really clearly, which means a really awesome brawl must be going on.
“Yup!” Okuu says. She gingerly rolls my head so it's lolling sideways, away from her, and oh there's the fight right there. There's a small hill of bodies, with more oni jumping on and swinging away at someone out of sight.
“Huh.” I squint, but anything more than an arm's reach away from me is pretty fuzzy; damn my concussion, or more specifically my lack of glasses. “Is- is the dude- he in there?”
A golden fist punches its way free of the pile, accompanied by a roar of “I HAVE INSIDE ME BLOOD OF KINGS!”
Well, that answers that.
__________
[X] That's not a fair fight at all, is it? I'mma jump in and lend him a head.
[X] Okuu is nice and has a good spot to watch all this from, even if she's also a touchy-feely weirdo.
[X] Okuu is nice and has a good spot to watch all this from, even if she's also a touchy-feely weirdo.
Man Satori is pissed. She's halfway to being an honorary Angry Marine. Or a Sister of Battle. Sister of Anger? What the fuck ever, we can figure out names later.
[X] That's not a fair fight at all, is it? I'mma jump in and lend him a head.
- [X] Get a little touchy-feely with Oku
- [X] Get a little touchy-feely with the ANGRY GOLD MAN
HELLO FAGGOTS, I WAS OUT TODAY ENJOYING THIS HOLY TERRA HOLIDAY ABOUT FOOD AND FRIENDSHIP AND PRAISING THE EMPEROR.
THERE WAS ALSO A TURKEY.
IT WAS PRETTY FUCKING GOOD.
ANYWAY I HAVE TO WRITE NOW, SO IT IS CALLED FOR BEST CUDGEL GETTING AWAY FROM THE GRABBY NUCLEAR MUTANT AND GETTING IN ON FIGHTING. THERE MAY ALSO BE ALCOHOL AND COMBINATION ATTACKS INVOLVED.
I SHALL GO TO SLEEP CLUTCHING A PRINT-OUT OF THIS PICTURE, FOR IT IS ONE OF THE FINEST PIECES OF ART IN THE CHAPTER'S HISTORY EVER TO BE ENGRAVED OF A MARINE'S EXPLOITS.
No. 186322 File 144860245953.jpg
- (61.59KB, 706x1000, THIS GIRL HAS QUESTIONABLE IDEAS ABOUT CONSENT.jpg)
[iqdb]
I DIDN'T FUCK THIS UP YOU SAW NOTHING __________
“'Kuu?” I say, not entirely sure how to feel as her hand slides uuuuuuup my leg. “Lemme go?”
“But you're-”
“Please?” I ask, thrusting my lower lip out and pouting like I've got nothing to lose.
Okuu blinks, and I can practically feel her heart melt underneath my onslaught. “Weeeeeell... if you're sure you're all right?”
I nod. “Mm-hm!”
Okuu reluctantly sets me down, hands lingering on my shoulders.
“Thanks,” I say as I pull free, this time without slurring any of it! Progress!
“You're welcome!” she says, saluting merrily.
Wait a second wait a second something's off here.
“Didn't you- you have a rod-arm, right?” I ask, leaning right and left as I look around for it. I distinctly remember hitting that thing sometime after the barfight.
“I took it off after I caught you!” She points towards an alley, where said rod lays against a building. “See?”
“Huh. Right, then.” I figure that's as good a note as any to stumble towards the bar, swaying like I've gone through the proverbial hundred bottles of beer on the wall. Now, I am going to go help the giant guy, because... reasons (yes that makes perfect sense) but first, I need more alcohol in me. And then I trip over nothing at all and faceplant, only compounding my worsening headache.
Oh, gravity, where would I be without you? Not kissing the dirt, that's for damn sure. Okay, limbs, come on, you've been through worse hangovers. Work with me here.
Woooooooooork, damn you.
“Are you brain-damaged?” Okuu asks, and I'm insulted for a moment before her genuine-ness (that's the word for it, right?) shines through.
“I'm not gogna- gonna need help.” I say through a mouthful of dirt, cringing as the words leave my mouth. Gogna? I may be worse off than I thought.
“Yeah, no,” says Okuu, and next thing I know she's picked me up and set me on my feet. She caps it off by dusting me off, getting unnecessarily grabby along the way. Maybe it's just the brain problems speaking, but that doesn't feel so bad.
“Thanks, sexual predator lady,” I say. Wow! That was four words! In a row!
“You're welcome!” Okuu says, giving me a nice big smile. She reaches up, undoes her cape, and then offers it to me. “Also, you're probably gonna want this?”
I just stare at it.
Okuu sighs. “Oh, just hold your arms up.”
I do so, and she quickly wraps the cape around me a bunch. When she's done, it's a nice, snug fit, and a lot better than that not-a-shirt I had before.
“Thanks?” I say, this gesture kinda weirding me out.
Okuu's smile is positively radiant. “Yup! Now, if you've got this under control, I'm outie!”
“What're you-”
She points at a food stand lying in pieces not far away. “Tacos!” That said, she hustles over to it and starts scooping up bits of shells and meat. I give the ongoing fight another look; 'Master Liftimus' (that's what Okuu said, right?) is now flailing oni around by their legs. Funnily enough, there's no sign of Big Papa anywhere.
...Okay. Well, he'll hold up. For a bit. I think.
I walk into the bar.
Thunk.
Stumbling back from the wall, I walk through the hole next to it into the bar proper. There are a lot of bodies. There's also a girl with green hair seated at the counter, throwing large amounts of money at the bartender as she downs shots at a furious pace. I fall at said counter and catch it with both arms. With a bracer secured, I lurch along until I hit lil' green (not that I'm taller than her, but it just seems a fitting nickname). “Whassup?”
She whirls around on her stool and hisses at me, spittle flecking onto my face, and I weather a full five seconds of this before she mercifully quits.
“...So,” I say, wiping my face off on the back of an arm. “What was-”
This time I'm sprayed with spit for a good ten seconds.
“You do that again,” I say, pleasantly lucid for the first time since I woke back up, “and I will drop you.”
“Go to hell,” she says, spinning back to her shot glass and the long-suffering bartender serving her. “Pour me another, you rotten sonuvabitch.”
As he obliges her, I just lean against the counter. “'Ey, Gundar?” I say, to no response. “Sup?”
He's still pouring shots as fast as Greenie can down 'em, focus entirely on her. “Saki.”
I lean forward, fluttering my eyelashes and smiling lopsidedly. “Give a girl a drink?”
His eyes flick over me, the kind of look in his eyes that says he's gonna be deep inside his cups once he gets off work. “You got pockets inside that cape?”
Oh, right. Money. That would help.
I push away from the bar, stagger over to a random guy, bend over (whoa now don't fall over or you ain't getting back up), and grab his wallet. My return trip is buoyed by the knowledge I will be getting BOOZE into my BODY and it will be WONDERFUL for easing my headache, and then the golden giant crashes through the wall surfing an oni, carrying another one along by his head.
“COME ON AND SLAM!” he yells, flinging the poor bastard through the opposite wall and surfing out that new hole.
“Oh sweet fuck,” says Greenie, and she throws another bunch of bills at Gundar. “Gimme your strongerst.”
“Strongerst?” I ask, smirking as I make it to the bar. “I'm- I was-” My brows furrow as I try to come up with the right words. “Uh. I'm concussed?” I demonstratively jerk a thumb at my forehead, then point at her. “Still not that bad.
Greenie produces a knife and waves it at me, downing the shot glass in her other hand. “Bitch, I will cut you.”
“Ooooh-kay,” I say, and sliiiiiiiiide over to the next seat. It's now that I remember my purpose for coming back, and plunk my new wallet down on the bar. “Gimme.”
“That's theft,” says Gundar, voice flat.
“Spoils of barfightin',” I say, patting one of my horns. “'Sides, they ain't complaining.”
“They're unconscious.”
“Cuzza me!” I say, beaming proudly.
“...Got me there,” Gundar admits. “What'll you take?”
“A bottle of- that stuff,” I say, gesturing at Greenie's drinks, because that has to be some good shit if how she's acting is any guide.
“It's all mine,” Greenie mutters, eyeing me up darkly but, and this is important, not trying to stab me. Yet.
Gundar reaches below the bar and returns with a whole open bottle, passing it to me. “Cheers.”
“Cheers!” I say, upending it, and IT BUUUUUUUUUURNS YES PERFECT.
“OOARFGCVXJKLGF,” screams Liftimus, flying through the hole he just made, slamming into Greenie, and breaking through the bar on top of her. Gundar just sighs and edges away.
Through the hole steps Big Papa, splatters of red staining his usually immaculate clothes. “How d'you like me now, mmm!”
Oh, right. I was gonna help fight this guy.
Uh.
“Big Papa!” I say, sliding off my seat to point at him, bottle in hand. “I”-did not think this far ahead shit- “wanna know... about... love!”
GENIUS.
Big Papa stares at me, bewildered, before he grins; his teeth are big and bloody and I suddenly feel very small. “Sorry, my lil' chickadee, but I'm a bit busy at the moment.” He advances on the bar, gingerly stepping around fallen oni as he goes.
Well, that stalling tactic worked wonderfully! What other surprises do I have in store?
“OI!” says Liftimus, pulling himself up with the help of the bar. “WE'LL SEE HOW YOU'RE TALKING AFTER I STUFF ALL THESE BOTTLES UP YOUR ASS, FAGGOT!”
Getting between the two of them seems like- hold up.
I take a swig.
Right! Like I was thinking, getting between them is a great idea! It's why I got up in the first place, after all!
__________
[X] I can distract Big Papa! CHAAAAAAAAAARGE!
[X] Come on, Liftimus! It's time for our COMBINATION ATTACK!
[X] Drinking! Drinking will solve this problem somehow! I'm sure of it! Everyone, drink with me!
YES, IT IS DEFINITELY BECAUSE OF THE CONCUSSION, AND NOT BECAUSE I HYPOTHETICALLY SAW >>186303 AND STARTED WRITING THINGS OUT IN THAT DIRECTION TO SEE HOW IT'D GO AND THEN WENT "OH FUCK" WHEN I REALIZED I WAS ALMOST OUT OF TIME AND ALL MY WORDS WERE DEDICATED TO THAT AVENUE INSTEAD OF JUMPING INTO THE FIGHT, FORCING ME TO GO WITH THAT PATH INSTEAD.
THAT WOULD BE SILLY AND DANGEROUSLY FUCKING IRRESPONSIBLE OF ME. BUT HERE'S HOPING THAT SCENARIO NEVER COMES TO PASS!
No. 186356 File 14486879061.gif
- (283.38KB, 276x297, DOYOU'S FACE WHEN HIS NAME'S MISPRONOUNC.gif)
[iqdb]
“Liftimus!” I say, changing tack and direction as I swivel to face him. “It's time! For! A combination attack!”
“FOR FUCK'S SAKE, IT'S DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS, YOU RETARD! GET IT RIGHT!” He reaches over for me, but I lurch out of reach before he can grab me, because that wasn't the plan I had in mind. “HOLD THE FUCK STILL, I'M GONNA FUCKING BEAT SOME SENSE INTO YOU IN THE PROCESS OF BEATING THE FUCK OUT OF HIM.”
“I got a better ideaaaaa~” I trill, then drain the rest of my bottle in one long pull.
“WHAT?” asks Doyou, impatiently tapping a finger on the bar.
“I'll ride your shoulders!” I say, tossing my empty bottle aside; I don't know what it is about a good drink, but the pain of the concussion, the weakness in my body, all of that's just vanished – I feel like I could take on the entire underground and win!
“NO,” he says. “THAT SHIT'S RETARDED. LOOK AT THAT ASSHOLE REAL QUICK, WOULD YOU?”
I blink, not really seeing the reason behind this request, but I turn around as asked.
“ANGRY COMBINATION IS A GO!” he yells, vaulting the counter, grabbing a bar stool as he goes, and lands on my shoulders. The fact that I don't immediately buckle underneath his massive weight is something I can only attribute to ONI SUPERIORITY HOO-RAHahahahahah oh sweet gods above and below if any of you can hear me give me strength.
“HYAH, FAGGOT STEED!” he bellows, kicking his feet into my sides, and that (along with my ribs cracking) is all the encouragement I need to lurch forward, Liftim- Evenliftimus swaying precariously as we go, waving his stool around even though there's nothing in beating range.
Big Papa is watching me stagger towards him with pity in his eyes. “Mister, really, that girl's in no shape to be doing this.”
“ENOUGH FAGGOTRY, HAVE AT YOU!” roars Evenliftimus, taking a mighty swing at Big Papa that misses by dint of him leaning back. “YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DODGE, ASSHOLE!”
Big Papa replies with his fists, but the way I'm stumbling around trying to prevent us from tipping over means the big oni's punches graze Doyou by hairs. I am full of pride and alcohol, and I'm not sure which one is responsible for keeping me upright when just lifting a hand earlier was a massive effort, but by this point in my life I've learned not to question it.
“LEFT, COCKSUCKER!” Doyou screams, leaning that way, and I totter along with him, veering away from another of Big P's ruinous punches. Doyou responds with more stool-swings that don't hit home until I reel out of beating range, at which point more yelled directions steer me around the bar. I'm having so much trouble holding my rider steady that it's practically impossible to maintain sound footing, which only seems to make us harder to hit.
It goes on like this for a good minute: me bumbling around, just barely managing to stay upright, Doyou yelling profanity and directions both, and Big Papa trying his level best to hit and scoring zero points. And then, I don't know how it happens, but – Big Papa stumbles, zigs when he should have zagged, and catches a stool to his face, which sends teeth and blood flying as the underground's premiere taco-peddler hits the deck.
“GOTCHA, TARDSTRONOMO!” Doyou cackles, waving his bloodied chair in the air in victory. I wish I could do the same, but, well, I have enough trouble carrying him as is.
“Yeah!” I wheeze, and immediately regret it, because every last scrap of oxygen is precious when you're carrying someone this huge. Before I can properly celebrate, or ask Mr. Liftimus to get off me, Big Papa pushes himself up in a flash, looking remarkably vigorous for a guy who just took a stool to the chin.
“Sorry, little'un!” he says, and then his foot lashes out at my face.
There's a CRACK, the sharpest jolt of pain I've ever felt in my life, and then (thank you O Gods who watch over me) blackness.
_________
“MOTHERFUCK!” You land in a rolling dismount as BEST CUDGEL flies back, hits the bar, and slumps over. This is MASSIVELY IRRITATING, because her head is BUSTED OPEN and she's BLEEDING and it looks like you may have a FATALITY on your hands. “YOU ASSHOLE! SHE'S A WILLING LIVING WEAPON! YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO FIND ONE OF THOSE? I GOTTA MAINTAIN THAT SHIT!”
“She'll be fine, mister, I know my own strength,” says Big Papa, but the way he's eyeing the senseless mutant BELIES HIS FUCKING WORDS. Anyway, while MOST FAGGOTS would assume he is still in top form, you have the benefit of having fought ORKS a WHOLE SHITLOAD, and as such you can tell when a GIANT PRICK like the one in front of you is actually slowing down. HE IS, just to clarify.
“FUCK YOU, YOU CANDLE-SNIFFING FUCK FENCE!” You raise your bar stool... which is bent in half from when you successfully wrapped it around his face. You toss it aside and grab another. “WHY DON'T WE FINISH THIS SHIT NOW, BITCH? I GOT OTHER PRICKS TO KNOCK THE FUCK OUT, YOU KNOW!”
“Fine by me!” he says, his grin SOMEHOW MORE ANNOYING now that there are SEVERAL GAPS in it. “I'm losing business by the minute dealing with you, anyway!”
_________
[X] YOU'RE THE ANGRIEST MOTHERFUCKER IN THIS MISBEGOTTON WORLD, AND IF ANY DICKSUCKING ONI THINKS HE'S BETTER THAN YOU, YOU'RE GONNA BEAT ALL THE SHITS OUT OF HIM, PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE
[X] THROW THE CHAIR, THROW THE BARTENDER, THROW THE BOOZE, THROW FUCKING EVERYTHING, BUT FOR THE LOVE OF THE EMPEROR, DO NOT CLOSE IN WITH THIS ASSHOLE OR YOU WILL PROBABLY DIE
[X] THIS STUPID SON OF A BITCH ONLY HAS HIS HANDS, AND YOU'VE GOT REACH VIA BAR STOOL; YOU'RE ANGRY, NOT RETARDED, AND YOU GOT NO FUCKING PROBLEMS STRIKING FROM OUTSIDE HIS REACH
[X] THIS STUPID SON OF A BITCH ONLY HAS HIS HANDS, AND YOU'VE GOT REACH VIA BAR STOOL; YOU'RE ANGRY, NOT RETARDED, AND YOU GOT NO FUCKING PROBLEMS STRIKING FROM OUTSIDE HIS REACH
[X] YOU'RE THE ANGRIEST MOTHERFUCKER IN THIS MISBEGOTTON WORLD, AND IF ANY DICKSUCKING ONI THINKS HE'S BETTER THAN YOU, YOU'RE GONNA BEAT ALL THE SHITS OUT OF HIM, PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE
[X] THIS STUPID SON OF A BITCH ONLY HAS HIS HANDS, AND YOU'VE GOT REACH VIA BAR STOOL; YOU'RE ANGRY, NOT RETARDED, AND YOU GOT NO FUCKING PROBLEMS STRIKING FROM OUTSIDE HIS REACH
EVERY TACO HE SERVES TO A CUSTOMER IS ONE LESS FOR OUR VICTORIOUS TROOPS BACK HOME!
[X] YOU'RE THE ANGRIEST MOTHERFUCKER IN THIS MISBEGOTTON WORLD, AND IF ANY DICKSUCKING ONI THINKS HE'S BETTER THAN YOU, YOU'RE GONNA BEAT ALL THE SHITS OUT OF HIM, PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE
FEAR THE FURY OF AN ANGRY MARINE WHEN HE HAS AN ACTUAL, UNDERSTANDABLE REASON FOR HIS ANGER!
[X] THROW THE CHAIR, THROW THE BARTENDER, THROW THE BOOZE, THROW FUCKING EVERYTHING, BUT FOR THE LOVE OF THE EMPEROR, DO NOT CLOSE IN WITH THIS ASSHOLE OR YOU WILL PROBABLY DIE
WE ARE STANDING IN A FUCKING BAR.
THIS MEANS BIG PAPA COULD VERY WELL LIFT HIS OWN BAR STOOL.
BIG PAPA KNOCKED OUT OUR CUDGEL.
NOBODY FUCKS WITH BEST CUDGEL AND GETS AWAY WITH IT.
WE'RE SO FUCKING MAD RIGHT NOW THAT WE'RE GONNA' PLAY IT SMART.
WE'RE SO FUCKING MAD RIGHT NOW THAT WE'RE GOING TO MAKE VERY WELL FUCKING CERTAIN THAT BIG PAPA GETS WHAT'S COMING TO HIM.
[X] YOU'RE THE ANGRIEST MOTHERFUCKER IN THIS MISBEGOTTON WORLD, AND IF ANY DICKSUCKING ONI THINKS HE'S BETTER THAN YOU, YOU'RE GONNA BEAT ALL THE SHITS OUT OF HIM, PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE
[X] YOU'RE THE ANGRIEST MOTHERFUCKER IN THIS MISBEGOTTON WORLD, AND IF ANY DICKSUCKING ONI THINKS HE'S BETTER THAN YOU, YOU'RE GONNA BEAT ALL THE SHITS OUT OF HIM, PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE
Time to get so mad that even Khorne would cry in fear of the beating we promise.
[X] THIS STUPID SON OF A BITCH ONLY HAS HIS HANDS, AND YOU'VE GOT REACH VIA BAR STOOL; YOU'RE ANGRY, NOT RETARDED, AND YOU GOT NO FUCKING PROBLEMS STRIKING FROM OUTSIDE HIS REACH
YOU SIR ARE A BOOR, AND YOU ARE NOT MY BROTHER-IN-ARMS.
[X] YOU'RE THE ANGRIEST MOTHERFUCKER IN THIS MISBEGOTTON WORLD, AND IF ANY DICKSUCKING ONI THINKS HE'S BETTER THAN YOU, YOU'RE GONNA BEAT ALL THE SHITS OUT OF HIM, PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE
No. 186396 File 144877644310.png
- (806.59KB, 1024x754, IF DOYOU'S FIST HAD A FACE IT'D BE THE R.png)
[iqdb]
Every last ounce of your rage boils in your veins as you face this piece of living garbage down; he thinks he can punch you through walls, knock out BEST CUDGEL, and sell tacos to anyone besides yourself? He's about to learn why you're the angriest asshole this fucking PLANET of MUTANTS and HERESY has ever seen.
FUCK WEAPONS, FUCK RANGE, FUCK EVERYTHING. You're gonna close in with this GODDAMNED HERETIC and you're gonna BEAT THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF HIM.
“DEFEND YOURSELF, COCKSUCKER!” you yell, storming him and stomping bodies deeper into the floorboards as you go.
Big Papa holds his ground as you reach him and swing, bringing his arms up to block the stool coming at his head. Your weapon BREAKS IN HALF against his guard from the might you put behind the blow, but you expected as such, and, even as your club flies to pieces, you're tackling the cunt-faced mutie to the floor. His jaw deforms beautifully beneath your MIGHTY PUNCHES, but you hardly get two in before he KICKS YOU OFF.
“FUCKER!” you roar, landing on some STUPID ASSHOLE'S FACE and stomping it through the floorboards. Big Papa's up just a little bit slower than he was last time, but he's still fast enough to meet your incoming punch with his own; your fists connect with BONE-SHAKING FORCE, running up your arm and through the rest of your body. You follow that up with a swing from your LEFT, but the PIECE OF SHIT blocks it with his own, leaving you FIST TO FIST. You both get the same idea at the same time, rearing your heads back and SLAMMING THEM into each other; you may have a shell of ADAMANTIUM, but this asshole is IMPOSSIBLE TO STUN, taking the headbutt without even FLINCHING.
“Young'un,” he grunts, breathing hard as the two of you lock in a PROPER MANLY GRAPPLE. “I gotta thank you!”
“I'M FOUR-HUNDRED YEARS OLD, YA FUCKING SQUIG!” you say, and you have the service studs bolted into your skull to prove it. “AND I'M KICKING YOUR ASS, YOU MASOCHISTIC FUCK!”
“It's been the fight of my life, too!” he says, breaking into DEEP LAUGHTER. “Just what are you, boy?”
“I'M ONE OF THE MOTHERFUCKING EMPEROR'S CHOSEN!” you reply, and activate your POWER FISTS, because you FIGHT LIKE THE DIRTIEST SON OF A BITCH THERE EVER WAS. The AMBIENT POWER from them surges through Big Papa, but he just grits his teeth and shoves you back like he hadn't been hit by RUINOUSLY DEADLY energy.
“I might just have to look into him, then, if all his people fight like you!” he says, squaring his footing as you steady yours.
“AIN'T NOBODY WHO FIGHTS LIKE ME BUT ME, ASSHOLE!” you say, your momentarily vox-amped voice thundering at EARDRUM-DESTROYING LEVELS as you thump a fist against your chest, mindful to temporarily deactivate your POWER FIST so you don't WASTE YOURSELF.
If your sudden volume-boost bothered Big Papa at all, his equally big smile doesn't show it. “Come on and show me, then!”
There's only one response to that.
“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-” you scream, throwing yourself into a charge as your foe draws back for a SHIT-WRECKING PUNCH of his own. You're certain you could JUST BARELY BEAT HIM to it if you fully commit to this attack, but if you're wrong, you're gonna get KNOCKED the FUCK OUT.
On the other POWER FIST, you could dodge and waste him when he's off-balance. If he's trying to bait you into that, though, you're gonna have a BAD TIME.
EMPEROR DAMN THESE CHOICES.
__________
[X] IT'S ALL OR NOTHING; THIS PIECE OF SHIT IS OUT OF PRACTICE AND TIRING, AND YOU'RE AN ANGEL OF DEATH. IF HE'S SOMEHOW FASTER THAN YOU ARE, YOU DESERVE TO GET YOUR SHIT WRECKED.
[X] GO FOR A FEINT; SOMETHING'S FUCKY, AND YOU HAVEN'T SURVIVED THIS LONG BY CHARGING HEADFIRST INTO EVERYTHING. NO, YOU'VE SURVIVED BY CHARGING HEADFIRST INTO EVERYTHING AND THEN PULLING SOMETHING FUCKY YOURSELF.
[X] IT'S ALL OR NOTHING; THIS PIECE OF SHIT IS OUT OF PRACTICE AND TIRING, AND YOU'RE AN ANGEL OF DEATH. IF HE'S SOMEHOW FASTER THAN YOU ARE, YOU DESERVE TO GET YOUR SHIT WRECKED.
[X] GO FOR A FEINT; SOMETHING'S FUCKY, AND YOU HAVEN'T SURVIVED THIS LONG BY CHARGING HEADFIRST INTO EVERYTHING. NO, YOU'VE SURVIVED BY CHARGING HEADFIRST INTO EVERYTHING AND THEN PULLING SOMETHING FUCKY YOURSELF.
[X] IT'S ALL OR NOTHING; THIS PIECE OF SHIT IS OUT OF PRACTICE AND TIRING, AND YOU'RE AN ANGEL OF DEATH. IF HE'S SOMEHOW FASTER THAN YOU ARE, YOU DESERVE TO GET YOUR SHIT WRECKED.
Going all in is the only possible choice. OUR ANGER DEMANDS IT!
[X] GO FOR A FEINT; SOMETHING'S FUCKY, AND YOU HAVEN'T SURVIVED THIS LONG BY CHARGING HEADFIRST INTO EVERYTHING. NO, YOU'VE SURVIVED BY CHARGING HEADFIRST INTO EVERYTHING AND THEN PULLING SOMETHING FUCKY YOURSELF.
Considering he has made nothing but direct attacks the whole battle, pulling a faint at the last second is really unpredictable.
I'd like to see DOYOU go all SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKER.
[X] IT'S ALL OR NOTHING; THIS PIECE OF SHIT IS OUT OF PRACTICE AND TIRING, AND YOU'RE AN ANGEL OF DEATH. IF HE'S SOMEHOW FASTER THAN YOU ARE, YOU DESERVE TO GET YOUR SHIT WRECKED.
[X] GO FOR A FEINT; SOMETHING'S FUCKY, AND YOU HAVEN'T SURVIVED THIS LONG BY CHARGING HEADFIRST INTO EVERYTHING. NO, YOU'VE SURVIVED BY CHARGING HEADFIRST INTO EVERYTHING AND THEN PULLING SOMETHING FUCKY YOURSELF.
[X] GO FOR A FEINT; SOMETHING'S FUCKY, AND YOU HAVEN'T SURVIVED THIS LONG BY CHARGING HEADFIRST INTO EVERYTHING. NO, YOU'VE SURVIVED BY CHARGING HEADFIRST INTO EVERYTHING AND THEN PULLING SOMETHING FUCKY YOURSELF.
In your hearts, you always knew there could only ever be one way for you to properly finish this.
Which is why you're going to try something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
You've only ever shown one side of your TOTAL ANGER, that of the raging berserker throwing himself at ANY and EVERY LAST THING that pisses you off. But there exists a different kind of fury, cold and calculating, that holds itself in check just long enough to set up its target for the biggest ASS-POUNDING they will ever receive in their entire lives.
And that flows through you now. You haven't felt this restrained in so, so long, but for the foe at hand, you can put up with it for a little while.
Big Papa expects you to come at him head-on; you've done it every time before, and that shit is PREDICTABLE as FUCK. The way he's smiling, holding steady in the face of your charge – something's fucked here for sure, and you're gonna be as well if you run straight into him.
You don't slow your charge at all, but you do lean to the side just a tad.
He draws back just a little bit further, eyes drooping half-lidded. It's absolute arrogance of the highest kind, but – instead of taking the shot presented to you, gambling it all on one last straight punch, you twist and sidestep just before you reach him.
A damn good thing you did, too, as his fist rockets out at the space your head used to occupy, going from still to MAXIMUM PUNCH in a quarter of a blink; if you'd gone head-on, there's a real fucking chance that he would have knocked your head clean off.
Instead, it just barely misses your cheek, and it's at this moment, staring the fucker in the eyes, that you see his smile falter.
Then your other POWER FIST catches him, at full charge, straight to the skull, flattening an ear into so much cauliflower as he staggers aside.
“STICK AND MOVE, MOTHERFUCKER!” you yell, as he stumbles around, his eyes crossed. “STICK AND MOVE!”
Big Papa turns to you, eyes crossed, opens his mouth... and then your POWER MISSILE DROPKICK hits him straight in the face. He flies out a hole in the wall, rolls across the street, and comes to a stop flat on his fucking nose.
When you pick yourself up, he doesn't move.
When you lean out the hole, he doesn't move.
When you go and prod his (still-breathing, fuck) body with an inactive POWER BOOT, he doesn't fucking move.
There are bystanders watching you now as you loom over your fallen enemy, but after the best fucking fight you've had since you got here, they can all just sit down and DEAL WITH YOU. You raise your fists in the air, making horn gestures with your fingers. “VICTORY! VICTORY FOR DOYOU! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
And then folks start to clap.
You don't know why the fuck these assholes would cheer you on after such a vicious fucking beating (on both sides), but you can appreciate some RECOGNITION for your RADICAL DEEDS.
Still, you actually gotta DO SOMETHING now that Big Papa has been bested.
__________
[X] EXULT IN VICTORY, THEN PULL BIG PAPA TO HIS FEET AND DEMAND YOUR RIGHTFUL TACOS. AFTERWARDS GET TOTALLY WASTED, FOR YOU HAVE EARNED THIS AFTER A FUCKING AWESOME BRAWL. IF YOU'RE INVOLVED IN MORE FIGHTS AS A RESULT, ALL THE FUCKING BETTER.
[X] ATTEND TO BEST CUDGEL; SHE MAY BE ONE OF THESE ULTRA-DURABLE MUTANTS BUT AT THE SAME TIME SHE PROBABLY NEEDS A MEDICAE, AND YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHEN YOU MIGHT GET SOMEONE ELSE TO REPLACE HER IF SHE BREAKS.
[X] WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE REST OF YOUR PETS? HOW FUCKING DARE THEY ABANDON YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIGHT? YOU GOTTA TRACK THOSE SHITS DOWN AND TELL THEM WHY THIS IS WRONG.
[X] ATTEND TO BEST CUDGEL; SHE MAY BE ONE OF THESE ULTRA-DURABLE MUTANTS BUT AT THE SAME TIME SHE PROBABLY NEEDS A MEDICAE, AND YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHEN YOU MIGHT GET SOMEONE ELSE TO REPLACE HER IF SHE BREAKS.
[X] ATTEND TO BEST CUDGEL; SHE MAY BE ONE OF THESE ULTRA-DURABLE MUTANTS BUT AT THE SAME TIME SHE PROBABLY NEEDS A MEDICAE, AND YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHEN YOU MIGHT GET SOMEONE ELSE TO REPLACE HER IF SHE BREAKS.
Celebrate with the best living weapon. She's the only one insane enough to willingly be one, so that automatically makes her the best.
[X] ATTEND TO BEST CUDGEL; SHE MAY BE ONE OF THESE ULTRA-DURABLE MUTANTS BUT AT THE SAME TIME SHE PROBABLY NEEDS A MEDICAE, AND YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHEN YOU MIGHT GET SOMEONE ELSE TO REPLACE HER IF SHE BREAKS.
Big Papa is only slightly heretical. In the final battle of Mankind/kinda heretics Vs. Heretics, I would be honored to call him my slight heretical Wingman.
[X] ATTEND TO BEST CUDGEL; SHE MAY BE ONE OF THESE ULTRA-DURABLE MUTANTS BUT AT THE SAME TIME SHE PROBABLY NEEDS A MEDICAE, AND YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHEN YOU MIGHT GET SOMEONE ELSE TO REPLACE HER IF SHE BREAKS.
[X] ATTEND TO BEST CUDGEL; SHE MAY BE ONE OF THESE ULTRA-DURABLE MUTANTS BUT AT THE SAME TIME SHE PROBABLY NEEDS A MEDICAE, AND YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHEN YOU MIGHT GET SOMEONE ELSE TO REPLACE HER IF SHE BREAKS.
WHILE WE MAY BE ANGRY WE ALSO KNOW THE IMPORTANCE OF KEEPING OUR TOOLS SHARP!
[X] ATTEND TO BEST CUDGEL; SHE MAY BE ONE OF THESE ULTRA-DURABLE MUTANTS BUT AT THE SAME TIME SHE PROBABLY NEEDS A MEDICAE, AND YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHEN YOU MIGHT GET SOMEONE ELSE TO REPLACE HER IF SHE BREAKS.
CUDGEL REQUIRES AID! NO MARINE WORTH HIS SALT DOESN'T MAINTAIN HIS WEAPON!
[X] ATTEND TO BEST CUDGEL; SHE MAY BE ONE OF THESE ULTRA-DURABLE MUTANTS BUT AT THE SAME TIME SHE PROBABLY NEEDS A MEDICAE, AND YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHEN YOU MIGHT GET SOMEONE ELSE TO REPLACE HER IF SHE BREAKS.
WE SHOULD GIVE HER A FLAMER, SHE'S PRACTICALLY A SORORITAS ANYWAY.
[X] ATTEND TO BEST CUDGEL; SHE MAY BE ONE OF THESE ULTRA-DURABLE MUTANTS BUT AT THE SAME TIME SHE PROBABLY NEEDS A MEDICAE, AND YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHEN YOU MIGHT GET SOMEONE ELSE TO REPLACE HER IF SHE BREAKS.
[X] EXULT IN VICTORY, THEN PULL BIG PAPA TO HIS FEET AND DEMAND YOUR RIGHTFUL TACOS. AFTERWARDS GET TOTALLY WASTED, FOR YOU HAVE EARNED THIS AFTER A FUCKING AWESOME BRAWL. IF YOU'RE INVOLVED IN MORE FIGHTS AS A RESULT, ALL THE FUCKING BETTER.
WE NEED TO REMEMBER WHAT WE CAME FOR IN THE FIRST PLACE!
[X] ATTEND TO BEST CUDGEL; SHE MAY BE ONE OF THESE ULTRA-DURABLE MUTANTS BUT AT THE SAME TIME SHE PROBABLY NEEDS A MEDICAE, AND YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHEN YOU MIGHT GET SOMEONE ELSE TO REPLACE HER IF SHE BREAKS.
[X] WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE REST OF YOUR PETS? HOW FUCKING DARE THEY ABANDON YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIGHT? YOU GOTTA TRACK THOSE SHITS DOWN AND TELL THEM WHY THIS IS WRONG.
I think we should deal with Okuu taking the wrong side as soon as possible.
[X] ATTEND TO BEST CUDGEL; SHE MAY BE ONE OF THESE ULTRA-DURABLE MUTANTS BUT AT THE SAME TIME SHE PROBABLY NEEDS A MEDICAE, AND YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHEN YOU MIGHT GET SOMEONE ELSE TO REPLACE HER IF SHE BREAKS.
YEAH I'LL JUST CALL IT HERE FOR VISITING BEST CUDGEL, BECAUSE THAT IS CLEARLY WHERE THIS IS GOING. UPDATE SOMEWHERE WITHIN NINE HOURS (IT'S NOT GONNA BE IN NINE HOURS PROBABLY BUT YOU NEVER KNOW).
WELL I'M IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD AND SAW THIS, SO LEMME DROP SOME IMPERIAL WISDOM ON YOUR HEAD.
YOU SEE THOSE LITTLE WHITE BOXES IN YOUR POSTS? YA CLICK ON THE ONE IN THE POST YOU WANT TO DELETE, AND THEN YOU SCROLL ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL THE WAY DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE, AND CLICK THAT DELETE BUTTON IN THE LOWER RIGHT
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE PASSWORD, IT AUTOMATICALLY REMEMBERS THE RANDOM ONE USED FOR THAT POST. I THINK.
Don't involve others in this bro. You've already forced him to waste heretic smiting time to read that double post. Reflect on your failure in quiet solitude and know, deep down in your heart of hearts, that some mutant filth gets to stain our existance another day due to your negligence.
The something you have to do is, of course, BEST CUDGEL, and NOT in the way that phrasing would imply. Her horns would make EXCELLENT HANDLEBARS, though, now that you think about it, and SHE'S A FUCKING MUTANT AWAY WITH THESE THOUGHTS BEFORE YOU NEED TO VISIT THE PAIN GLOVE.
“Mister,” groans Big Papa, pushing himself up just enough to squint at you through a face full of blood and dirt. You get ready to stomp him back down, but he waves you off. “You made an old man work for it, and for that, I gotta thank you.”
“WHAT IS THE POINT,” you ask, tapping a boot against the ground to try and stave off the urge to SQUASH HIS SKULL.
“I just want you to know that was my first fight in decades,” he says, grinning once again. “But if I'd been practicing, I would have whooped your golden ass.”
“WELL YA FUCKING LOST, SO DEAL WITH IT.” You turn to leave, but pause. “IF YOU WANT A FUCKING REMATCH SOME TIME TO TRY AND PROVE YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME, WHICH, PROTIP, YOU AREN'T, I'LL ALLOW IT. UNTIL THEN, I GOT SHIT TO DO.”
Big Papa just chuckles as you walk off. As far as SLIGHTLY HERETICAL sorts go, you kind of like that piece of shit. But he cannot help the way he was born, and while that may be FIXABLE after the FINAL BATTLE between the Imperium and ALL THE OTHER FUCKS EVER concludes (in the God-Emperor's favor, of course), he will always be THAT MUCH INFERIOR to you.
You re-enter the bar to find BEST CUDGEL is nowhere to be seen.
WHAT.
“BREWSKIIIIIIIIIIIIII!” you say, storming the bartender as the only witness on the scene. You slam your hands through a previously unbroken segment of counter, and he just sighs in response. “THE FUCK DID SHE GO?”
“Bird came in with a face full of tacos and carried her off.” He jerks a thumb at the door. “She actually used that, can you believe it?”
You nod. “SHE SEEMS THE TYPE. THANKS, ASSHOLE.”
Before you head out, a slender hand reaches up and grabs the counter, and Koishi pulls herself up; she does not look to be in GOOD CONDITION after you crashed into her earlier. This PLEASES YOU.
“Aww, fuck, it's you,” she mumbles, bringing a bottle to her lips.
“I REALIZE I FORGOT TO GIVE YOU A PROPER NAME BEFORE, BUT NOW I REMEMBERED!” you declare, grabbing her hand and hauling her over the counter before she can get to drinking. “I FIGURE WILLY IS A GOOD NAME BECAUSE OF ALL THE BLOWS YOU DEALT TO MY OWN, BITCH. LET'S RIDE!”
“No-ho-ho-hooooooooo~” Willy sobs as you sling her over your shoulders. PET ACQUIRED, you barge outside once more, making sure to leave a new hole in the walls just for good measure.
You immediately spot Ms. Sunshine kneeling in an ALLEYWAY next to BEST CUDGEL, her skirt RIPPED SCANDALOUSLY SHORT to serve as BANDAGES on BEST CUDGEL'S bleeding head and OTHER LACERATED BITS. You are not sure if Sunshine's FRANKLY INAPPROPRIATE levels of TOUCHY-FEELY count as proper medical aid, however.
“WHAT UP,” you say as you stomp over. When you reach them, you pitch Willy screaming ALL THE WAY down the alley, because you really do not care for her in the least.
“Aha! Master!” says Sunshine, removing her hands from Saki (BEST CUDGEL IS TOO DAMN UNWIELDY TO CALL HER ALL THE TIME). “You are unbeaten!”
“YEAH I AM.” You gesture at Saki. “WHY THE FUCK DID YOU MOVE HER?”
Sunshine pinches the HEM of her skirt, now only reaching her THIGH. “Because I didn't want to be ripping this off for bandages in front of the barman, duh!”
That seems SENSIBLE. “I DID NOT KNOW YOU WERE MEDICALLY TRAINED, MS. SUNSHINE. WHO WAS YOUR TEACHER?”
“Orin's mighty fightin' sexy nurses!”
“WHAT.”
Sunshine produces a COMIC BOOK from SOMEWHERE you do not want to inquire. “That's not actually the name of it, but it's a good summary! Here!”
She hands it to you. The cover displays SCANTILY CLAD MEDICAE doing battle with THE FORCES OF GENERIC EVIL. Intrigued, you flick through the pages.
...
You are PRETTY SURE that none of the medical techniques shown in this manual are HELPFUL in the LEAST, even if they are, indeed, SEXY. And the anatomy of everyone is ALL OFF, too; the heads and eyeballs are WAY TOO LARGE, and the FOES OF THE DAY do not display CLEAR MARKS of HERESY.
“THIS IS FUCKING-”
“Scandalous, I know!” Sunshine says, beaming sunshine up at you (YES THIS METAPHOR IS EXCELLENT). “But it works!
You blink. “YOU DO REALIZE THAT NOTHING IN HERE IS MEDICALLY ACCURATE, RIGHT?”
Sunshine blinks right back at you. “Huh?”
By the Emperor, she's retarded.
“OKAY,” you say, very slowly. “JUST... GO SEE TO WILLY, WOULD YOU.”
Sunshine just looks confused. “Who?”
“THE BITCH I JUST THREW PAST YOU, FUCK, STEP IT UP.”
Comprehension dawns on her, which you suspect is a RARE THING indeed. “Oh! Okay!”
She bustles off to see to Willy, and now that you have some privacy, you kneel in front of BEST CUDGEL, who has just cracked open her eyes and is squinting blearily at you.
“Heeeeeeeeey,” she drawls, her face lighting up in a weak smile. “Did- didja win?”
“FUCK YEAH,” you say, offering her your fist.
Her giggle is a bizarre mix of drunk and concussed as she bumps fists with you. “Awesome!” Even that seems to be a MASSIVE EFFORT for her, as her arm flops against the dirt the moment she does it.
“YOU AREN'T FUCKING DYING, ARE YOU?” you ask, touched by CONCERN and also IRRITATION at the thought of replacing SUCH A GOOD BEAT-STICK.
There is only one solution here. “TAKE THIS,” you say, thrusting a PURLOINED BOTTLE into her mouth.
She manages a “Mmf!?” before the liquor flows down her throat, and then any possible fight left in her disintegrates as her eyelids flutter shut.
“I SWIPED THIS WHEN I GOT THROWN INTO THE BAR,” you say, even if trying to make conversation with a girl who's currently guzzling alcohol like a flamer does promethium is maybe not your most productive idea. It takes maybe HALF A MINUTE, but Saki prevails over your offered booze. When she blinks her eyes open, they're even BLEARIER than before, but she's grinning like an Ogryn who was just told he made a new best friend.
“I BETCHER FEELING A SHITTON BETTER NOW, AIN'TCHA?” you say, pulling the bottle from her with a pop as it leaves her mouth.
“Do I?” she says, propping herself up on her elbows. She cocks her head, smile fading. “I'm... not sure, actually?”
“WHATEVER,” you say, before pulling her to her feet, rising as you go. She is not STEADY AT ALL, and as such you are forced to keep a HUGE HAND on her shoulder to make sure she doesn't faceplant.
“Yoo-hoo, Master!” Sunshine says, now missing her RIGHT SLEEVE as she carries a senseless Willy in her arms. Coincidentally, that same sleeve is wrapped around Willy's head like a bandana. “Thanks for giving me so much practice! I might run out of clothes at this rate!”
“FOR FUCK'S SAKE,” you say, but hold yourself back from berating her further. Having a MEDICAE, no matter how QUESTIONABLE their training, is ALWAYS FUCKING HANDY. “OKAY, BITCHES. CAN YOU GUESS WHERE WE'RE GOING?”
“Drinking!” Saki cheers, leaning against your HUGE CHEST.
“Looking for everyone else?” Sunshine volunteers.
“D'rectly t'hell,” Willy mumbles.
“WE'RE ALREADY IN HELL, YOU STUPID FUCK.”
__________
[X] HUNT DOWN THE REST OF YOUR PETS, FOR THEY NEED DISCIPLINE AND YOU ARE DISPLEASED WITH THEM.
[X] YOU HAVE WON A MAJOR VICTORY IN THE NAME OF THE EMPEROR AND ALSO TACOS. LET'S D-D-D-D-DRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINK, MOTHERFUCKERS!
__________
IT MEANS IT DAMN WELL IS TIME TO CELEBRATE, ASSHOLE, BECAUSE I HAVE (FUCKING BARELY) MANAGED A WHOLE FUCKING MONTH OF UPDATES WITHOUT MISSING A SINGLE DAY!
IT'S ALSO TIME FOR A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT VOTE!
[X] CONTINUE WITH THE RADICAL SPACE MARINE ADVENTURES THROUGHT THIS WORLD OF MUTANTS AND HERESY AND FLUFFY PETS
[X] DO NOT CONTINUE BAHAHAHAHAHA FUCK THAT SHIT I AIN'T STOPPING NOW
GLAD WE ALL AGREE ON THAT ONE.
On a QUIETER NOTE, while it pains me greatly to admit this, I think the ALL-CAPS for EMPHASIS might wear thin if it stays at its CURRENT LEVELS. Would you, LOYAL READERS, prefer it to be scaled back like the update before this one (save for DOYOU'S YELLING, of course), or is the GRATUITOUS CAPITALIZATION still enjoyable?
[X] HUNT DOWN THE REST OF YOUR PETS, FOR THEY NEED DISCIPLINE AND YOU ARE DISPLEASED WITH THEM.
A marine's work is never done.
As for caps, I say keep them. It adds a certain flair to the story that others don't have. Besides, I'm pretty sure an Angry Marine not speaking in caps is heresy. Like 75% sure.
[X] YOU HAVE WON A MAJOR VICTORY IN THE NAME OF THE EMPEROR AND ALSO TACOS. LET'S D-D-D-D-DRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINK, MOTHERFUCKERS!
-[X] HAVE MERCY ON YOUR FOE. GIVE HIM A HANGOVER SO HE CAN'T INSTANTLY PUNCH YOU.
[X] HUNT DOWN THE REST OF YOUR PETS, FOR THEY NEED DISCIPLINE AND YOU ARE DISPLEASED WITH THEM.
[X] CONTINUE WITH THE RADICAL SPACE MARINE ADVENTURES THROUGHT THIS WORLD OF MUTANTS AND HERESY AND FLUFFY PETS
I prefer the way you handled caps in the previous update.
Your decision is an easy one. “WE ARE GOING TO DRINK, LIKE, FUCKING EVERYTHING. EVER.”
“Hooray!” Saki cheers, wrapping her arms around your waist in a hug.
“I am entirely okay with this!” says Ms. Sunshine.
“GOOD,” you say. “BUT FIRST YOU NEED TO GO TO THE MANSION REAL QUICK AND TELL EVERYONE TO COME ON DOWN, FOR WE ARE GOING TO HAVE US A FUCKING AWESOME PARTY. YOU'LL FIND US BY THE SOUND OF MY YELLING.”
“Okay!” Ms. Sunshine flies off, carrying Useless Willy along with.
That dealt with, you pick up Best Cudgel and plant her on your shoulder, because you don't want her tottering around with a broken skull if you can help it. You are admittedly not in the habit of dragging cape-wearing muties around with you on your various quests to kick all the ass ever, but it's WORKED SO FAR, and you're damn well gonna keep doing it.
“SO WHERE THE HELL SHOULD WE GO IF WE'RE DRINKING SOME MORE?” you ask.
“I'd sayuhhh... that one?” Saki points at the bar you were just at.
“THAT PLACE IS KINDA FUCKED.”
She wags her finger. “But the money!”
“OH. RIGHT. HOLD UP.” You walk back in, and the bartender just looks immensely sad at your return. “I'VE GOT SHIT TO DO IN HERE REAL QUICK AND THEN I'M OUT FOR REAL.”
“Just don't break anything else, please?” he pleads as you get set to looting all the bodies, claiming your RIGHTFULLY EARNED spoils of war.
“I MAKE NO GUARANTEES, FUCKFACE,” you say. Sifting through the mess like this is FUCKING ANNOYING, but you come out of it with dozens of wallets and loose bills stuffed away on your person. “AIGHT, WE GOOD. PEACE, BITCH.”
You leave the bar through an opposite wall, and the building COLLAPSES behind you.
FUCK YEAH.
“YO, BEE-PEE!” you say to the sitting taco-oni, currently prodding his chin and wincing, and throw several wallets at him. “HERE'S SOME TACO MONEY. GET SHIT READY, CUZ WE'VE GOT A PARTY COMING ON DOWN!”
“Can do, mister!” he says, happily taking your cash like the two of you hadn't been beating the piss out of each other two minutes ago.
“Thank youuuuuu!” Saki drawls at him as you stomp away, searching for another ALCOHOL-PEDDLING ESTABLISHMENT. Conveniently enough, there happens to be one a street over. The SUSPICIOUS LOOKS never cease as you walk along, but this is an expected part of SPACE MARINING, so you shrug them off and enter this NEW BAR through, naturally, the wall.
“HOW DO YOU DO, FELLOW ASSHOLES?” you say to the several dozen oni who are marveling at your entrance.
“Hi!” Saki adds, waving energetically at all the attendees, who take one good look at you and decide they don't want any trouble. Her waving stops, however, when she spots one gray-haired and horny motherfucker, who's staring at your lil' buddy like she's just proclaimed a desire to rip out his stomach and feed it to him. “Daddy! What're you doing here?”
He gives his mug a glance. “Well, I was getting myself a drink-”
“So're we!” Saki giggles as she leans forward, nearly toppling off your shoulder before you raise a hand to steady her. “Who'da thunk?”
“Belay that,” he says, pushing his chair away from his table and rising up. “What're you doing on that- that-” His brows scrunch up as he tries to come up with an appropriate appellation for your UTTER GLORIOUSNESS. “That fellow's shoulder, anyway? And what's with that getup?”
WHO THE FUCK does this asshole think he is, talking about you like you're NOT EVEN THERE? “I WAS PUNCHED THROUGH HER BATHROOM WALL,” you say. “AND THEN I PICKED UP HER TUB, WITH HER IN IT, AND USED HER TO BEAT UP MOTHERFUCKERS. IT WAS GREAT.”
“M'head's not feeling so good, but it was great!” Saki adds, further reinforcing why she is BEST CUDGEL.
Cudgel's pa, however, is now glaring at YOU like you did something wrong. “You used my baby girl for what?”
“YOU WATCH YOUR FUCKING TONE, MUTIE, OR THE GOD-EMPEROR'S HAMMER IS GOING TO SQUASH YOU FLAT.” When he doesn't speak, you add “THE HAMMER IS ME, AND SQUASHING YOU FLAT IS A METAPHOR FOR PUMMELING THE FUCK OUT OF YOU.”
“God-Emperor?” He hocks a gob of spit onto the floor, seemingly unaware of everyone else giving him as wide a berth as possible. “To hell with him! No religious nutjob is going to use my daughter as a- a glorified club!”
DID HE.
JUST.
INSULT.
THE EMPRAH? __________
[X] WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY ABOUT THE EMPEROR YOU LITTLE BITCH I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW-
[X] NOW IS AN EXCELLENT OPPORTUNITY TO SEE HOW FAR TWO POWER BOOTS CAN GO UP ONE MAN'S RECTUM.
[X] YOU'RE HERE TO GET WASTED, AND YOU'LL WAGER THE RIGHTS TO BEST CUDGEL THAT YOU CAN BEAT THIS SON OF A BITCH AND EVERY OTHER FUCKER HERE AT THE SAME TIME IN A DRINKING CONTEST. THAT'LL FUCKING SHOW HIM.
[X] YOU'RE HERE TO GET WASTED, AND YOU'LL WAGER THE RIGHTS TO BEST CUDGEL THAT YOU CAN BEAT THIS SON OF A BITCH AND EVERY OTHER FUCKER HERE AT THE SAME TIME IN A DRINKING CONTEST. THAT'LL FUCKING SHOW HIM.
[X] YOU'RE HERE TO GET WASTED, AND YOU'LL WAGER THE RIGHTS TO BEST CUDGEL THAT YOU CAN BEAT THIS SON OF A BITCH AND EVERY OTHER FUCKER HERE AT THE SAME TIME IN A DRINKING CONTEST. THAT'LL FUCKING SHOW HIM.
[X] YOU'RE HERE TO GET WASTED, AND YOU'LL WAGER THE RIGHTS TO BEST CUDGEL THAT YOU CAN BEAT THIS SON OF A BITCH AND EVERY OTHER FUCKER HERE AT THE SAME TIME IN A DRINKING CONTEST. THAT'LL FUCKING SHOW HIM.
[X] YOU'RE HERE TO GET WASTED, AND YOU'LL WAGER THE RIGHTS TO BEST CUDGEL THAT YOU CAN BEAT THIS SON OF A BITCH AND EVERY OTHER FUCKER HERE AT THE SAME TIME IN A DRINKING CONTEST. THAT'LL FUCKING SHOW HIM.
[X] YOU'RE HERE TO GET WASTED, AND YOU'LL WAGER THE RIGHTS TO BEST CUDGEL THAT YOU CAN BEAT THIS SON OF A BITCH AND EVERY OTHER FUCKER HERE AT THE SAME TIME IN A DRINKING CONTEST. THAT'LL FUCKING SHOW HIM.
Guys, we're a Space Marine, we're immune to most alcohol.
[X] YOU'RE HERE TO GET WASTED, AND YOU'LL WAGER THE RIGHTS TO BEST CUDGEL THAT YOU CAN BEAT THIS SON OF A BITCH AND EVERY OTHER FUCKER HERE AT THE SAME TIME IN A DRINKING CONTEST. THAT'LL FUCKING SHOW HIM.
Considering the super-resistant metabolism of space marines, it should be a piece of cake. I don't even think they can get properly drunk since their bodies flush out poisons faster than they can drink something as weak as just alcohol.
[X] YOU'RE HERE TO GET WASTED, AND YOU'LL WAGER THE RIGHTS TO BEST CUDGEL THAT YOU CAN BEAT THIS SON OF A BITCH AND EVERY OTHER FUCKER HERE AT THE SAME TIME IN A DRINKING CONTEST. THAT'LL FUCKING SHOW HIM.
[X] YOU'RE HERE TO GET WASTED, AND YOU'LL WAGER THE RIGHTS TO BEST CUDGEL THAT YOU CAN BEAT THIS SON OF A BITCH AND EVERY OTHER FUCKER HERE AT THE SAME TIME IN A DRINKING CONTEST. THAT'LL FUCKING SHOW HIM.
ANGRON? ANGRON IS A PUSSY BITCH WHO NEEDS BUTCHER'S NAILS IMPLANTED IN HIM TO BE AS ANGRY AS HE IS!
JUST ANOTHER REASON WHY THE ANGRY MARINES ARE SUPERIOR TO THAT PIECE OF SHIT CHAOSFAG, FOR WE ARE ALWAYS ANGRY, ALL THE TIME, AND IT'S ALL FUCKING NATURAL, BITCH!
No. 186520 File 144912511596.jpg
- (103.75KB, 600x1021, NO ALCOHOL CAN STOP YOU NOW.jpg)
[iqdb]
IT'S A GOOD DAMN THING IT ISN'T NOVEMBER ANY MORE OR I WOULD BE EXTREMELY CROSS RIGHT NOW OVER BEING LATE WITH THIS UPDATE
__________
For a LONG FUCKING MOMENT you are bombarded with the urge to deliver a rant that would have been heard ACROSS THE GALAXY on just how badly this fucknugget cocked up, but then something better occurs to you; these fuckers drink like it's their job, and what better way to screw with their heads than to expose their beer for the FRAUDULENT GARBAGE that it is?
“YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU ARE A LUCKY COCKSUCKER,” you say, thrusting a finger at his forehead. “HERE'S WHAT WE'LL DO. I'LL WAGER BEST CUDGEL THAT I CAN DRINK YOU, AND EVERY OTHER SHITHEAD HERE, UNDER THE FUCKING TABLE.”
“Whoa-ho-ho-hooooo!” says Saki, throwing her arms up enthusiastically and once again nearly slipping off your shoulder before you catch her.
“You're a madman,” says her FAGGOT FATHER. “But if you want to kill yourself so badly, I'll allow it!”
“RIGHT ON.” You signal the barkeep by waving, and your fingers happen to gouge out a chunk of the rocky ceiling in the process. “BREWMASTER! GET ME YOUR STRONGEST SHIT!”
Order belted out, you march to the nearest table, a long rectangle of stone with matching benches for seating, and with one MIGHTY SWING clear out half a dozen idiots who didn't get out of your way fast enough. That done, you take your seat on the bench (and the fact that it doesn't immediately break beneath your HUGE WEIGHT is pleasing to you) and wait for some FUCKING SERVICE. FAGGOT DAD sits down opposite you, and if he's realized the error he just made in accepting this challenge he doesn't show it.
“SO YOU ARE PROBABLY GOING TO DIE,” you say, then look at BEST CUDGEL. “MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR TERRIBLE FATHER, AS HE IS GOING TO DRINK HIMSELF TO DEATH.”
“I'unnoooo,” Saki says, drumming her fingers against her thighs. “I think-”
“LET ME STOP YOU RIGHT THE FUCK THERE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING YOU REGRET, 'CAUSE THESE ARE FACT WORDS ABOUT TO COME OUT OF MY MOUTH.” You poke yourself in the forehead. “THIS FUCKER I'M POINTING AT HAS NEVER BEEN BEATEN BY ANYONE WHEN IT COMES TO A FAIR DRINKING CONTEST.”
“Wanna bet?” murmurs Faggot Dad, and before you can shove your hand through his face, the bartender arrives, toting a keg half as large as you are under one arm and a pair of rock mugs the size of your head in his other hand.
“Here you go,” he says, depositing everything on the table. There are a PAIR of TAPS on opposite ends of the keg, which you gotta admit is some GOOD THINKING.
“I SERIOUSLY HOPE YOU HAVEN'T WATERED THIS DOWN OR I AM GOING TO BE VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU,” you say, and then throw money at your server.
“Only the best, mister,” he replies, unfazed by the coins striking him in the face.
“Can we get on with this?” asks Faggot Dad, already filling his own mug.
“YOU REALLY DON'T WANNA RUSH ME, ASSHOLE,” you say, but grab your cup anyway and fill that fucker to the BRIM. Your mouth-grille retracts into your helmet as you lift the mug to your lips; this is not a CODEX-STANDARD modification for power armor, but considering that it's a REAL BITCH to always be removing your helmet when you want to chomp down on a cigar or guzzle booze or devour pizza, you're not gonna fucking complain about the Chapter's Tech-Marines giving you this mod FREE OF CHARGE, those rad bastards.
“LET'S GET IT OOOOOOOOOOOON” you yell, tossing your head back and pouring the whole fucking thing down your throat. It has a GOOD BURN to it as it goes down, but you don't even blink; this shit's nothing compared to the stuff the Chapter serfs specially prepare for Angry Marine feasts.
Faggot Dad is still guzzling his, but finishes like ten seconds later and slams his mug down. “Again!” he says, refilling.
“YOU GOT THAT RIGHT, COCKSUCKER!” you say, matching him.
“Can you gimme some of that?” Saki asks, pointing at the keg. In response, you carefully dislodge her from your shoulder and set her on the bench next to you.
“IF YOU WANT TO JOIN IN THEN GO GET YOUR OWN KEG, I'LL PAY FOR IT,” you say, then turn to glare at all the faggots watching you. “AND THAT GOES TO THE REST OF YOU ASSHOLES, TOO! IF ANYONE WANTS TO FAIL TO BEAT ME LIKE THE LITTLE SHITS YOU ARE, DRINKS ARE ON ME!”
You punctuate this by giving Saki MOST OF YOUR MONEY, and she merrily totters off towards the bar, trailed by pretty much every other prick here, all spurred on by the promise of free booze. Not that it matters to YOU, because you're downing mug after mug after mug of this PISS-WEAK BEER not even getting you SLIGHTLY BUZZED, and that kinda INFURIATES YOU.
Still, you keep on DOING IT, your superior biology carrying you through the best they've got without slowing down.
-----
Five minutes in, Faggot Dad is having trouble finishing his mug, and, seeing that you've shown no signs of slowing down at all, sets his cup down with a grimace. “All right, all”-he belches-“right, I'm not going to kill myself doing this.”
“AND SO THE PUSSY ADMITS HIS FAGGOTRY,” you say, then down your fifteenth cup straight. “GET OUTTA THE WAY SO SOME OTHER FUCKERS CAN GO TOE TO TOE WITH ME, WOULD YOU?”
“S'okay, daddy!” Saki drawls, smiling grandly as she lays her head against your arm. “I'mma- I'll be okay! He's fun!”
Faggot Dad's expression looks VAGUELY ILL, but he rises up and stumbles off, shooting you one last glare over his shoulder. “I'll remember this!” he says, and then bangs his knee against a table; the piece-a-shit hobbles off swearing under his breath, which is HIGHLY AMUSING.
“SEE YA, ASSHOLE,” you say, and then some other oni bastard slides into the old fuck's chair. “YOU TRYING TO TAKE ME ON, RETARD?”
“You're goddamn right!” he says, grinning widely at you.
“FUCK YEAH!” You clink mugs with this MUCH MORE AGREEABLE asshole.
-----
Fifteen minutes in, the steady flow of incoming oni is interrupted by a FAIRY TROUPE marching into the bar, marshaled by Ms. Sunshine, who's ditched the ROD-ARM but apparently decided not to bother getting herself new clothes.
“HEY HOWDY HEY, BITCHES,” you say, as another oni staggers away from the challenger's seat, only for someone else to take his place. “YOU WANT SOME, FEEL FREE TO HIT UP THE BARKEEP!”
A few dozen high-pitched AYE'S fill the room, and the forces of YESWEDO LIFTIMUS charge the bar in search of FREE ALCOHOL. Ms. Sunshine, meanwhile, forgoes drinking in favor of talking up one of your previous challengers, although she waves happily at you when she notices you glaring.
-----
Twenty-five minutes in, Big Papa pokes his head through the hole in the wall. “Fellas!” he booms, his grin no less jolly for the pummeling you put him through. “If you're wanting yourself some tacos, Big Papa's here to oblige you!”
“FUCK TO THE YEAH!” you say, and point out one of the fairies who hasn't gotten totally wasted yet. “YOU, BITCH! GO GET TACOS FOR EVERYONE!”
She gives you a sloppy salute that ends up smacking her in the face. “Yassuh, suh!”
-----
Forty-three minutes in, you're interrupted in the middle of devouring ANOTHER TACO when Saki throws her latest bottle away, then loops her arms around yours.
“WHAT?” you demand through a mouthful of TORTILLA and MEAT as she looks up at you with her big, watery red eyes.
“Never saw- you're a-” Her brows furrow as she tries to figure out where this is going. “...You drink good and punch real hard.”
“WHERE IS THIS GOING?” you ask, because GODDAMMIT IT'S PARTY TIME.
She gives you a great big drunken smile. “Marry me.”
WHAT THE FUCK. “NO.”
She just nods, her smile widening. “Okay.”
“YOU CAN HELP ME BEAT UP MORE FUCKS THOUGH IF THAT'S ALL RIGHT.”
“Yaaaaaaaay!” she cheers, nuzzling her cheek against your arm.
You have never had to deal with something like this before and it is kind of AMAZINGLY WEIRD, but before you can say anything to her about it, her grip slackens and her head THUNKS against the table.
Yup, she is OUT.
-----
It's been an hour straight of you chugging your way through keg after keg after keg, and you aren't showing any signs of stopping. Your opponents, however, are being hit FUCKING HARD by all the booze being slung around, and you're burning through new challengers at an impressive rate. Fairies, meanwhile, are laid out EVERYWHERE; on tables, across chairs, one upside-down in another's lap, and so on.
Fucking lightweights.
You lost track of Ms. Sunshine somewhere along the way, too; last time you saw her she'd somehow lost her other shirt sleeve and was giggling like a 'tard as she drank with some ELDAR-LOOKING BLONDE. You would have dealt with this POTENTIALLY HERETICAL development then and there, but you've been swept up in this PRETTY OKAY PARTY you started.
Besides, if it turns out she's up to some heresy, you'll just purge her straight.
“Well, seems I'm late to this one!” says a woman from the bar entrance, and you look over your shoulder to see another oni lady, this one a white-shirted, blue-skirted blonde with a big red horn jutting from her forehead. She has a PLATE in her other hand, and she takes a sip from it.
“WHAT KIND OF RETARD DRINKS FROM A PLATE,” you ask.
She just grins, your comment bouncing off her like a las bolt off your chest. “I don't think that stuff's getting anywhere with you, am I right?”
You give your latest keg another look. It is TRUE none of this has had an effect besides slightly quenching your MIGHTY THIRST, but at the same time, it goes fucking GREAT with tacos. “SO WHAT IF IT ISN'T?” you ask, looking back at her.
She raps her knuckles against the outside wall. “What if I told you I knew someone who had stuff that was even stronger?”
“I'D SAY TO GIMME, BITCH.”
Her smile LOOKS LEGIT. “Then you're in luck! Just come with me and I'll take you to her!”
__________
[X] YOU COULD USE SOME FRESH (RELATIVELY SPEAKING) AIR, AND BESIDES, THIS SHITTY BEER ISN'T DOING ANYTHING FOR YOU. TAKE UP THIS MUTANT'S OFFER.
[X] YOU WANNA HAVE A GO AT THE MARINE, LADY, YOU GOTTA GET IN LINE WITH EVERYONE ELSE. THAT GOES FOR YOUR BUDDY TOO.
Correction: the only KNOWN thing in the universe that can get them drunk. Yuugi might be up on some next level shit yo, we'll just have to see.
No. 186556 File 144926413046.jpg
- (483.77KB, 1521x1931, ALAS THAT DOYOU IS NOT THIS HUGE.jpg)
[iqdb]
SO IT TURNS OUT THAT I AM A DISGRACEFULLY LAZY SHIT WITHOUT A DEADLINE TO MOTIVATE ME
__________
“YEAH OKAY,” you say, standing up. “BUT FIRST I HAVE BUSINESS TO ATTEND TO, SO HOLD UP.”
“Sure, sure,” says plate-bitch, who's happy to drink more from said STUPID FUCKING BOOZE-RECEPTACLE.
Thoughts on plates aside, you cannot simply leave here without your underlings knowing where you're going, so you grab the least drunk of the fairies. “HEY, YOU. YOU'RE IN CHARGE OF EVERYONE. NOW LET ME AUTHORIZE YOU TO ACT IN MY NAME.”
You pull out your marker and scribble BOSS on her forehead. She feels the word over, smearing black on her fingers, but you figure the message is still pretty clear.
“NOW, IF ANYONE GIVES YOU LIP, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU DO?”
“I tell 'em I'm in charge?” she hazards.
“FUCK YEAH. IF THEY KEEP BEING BITCHES, LEMME KNOW, AND I'LL FUCK 'EM UP FOR YOU.” You point at Best Cudgel's snoring form. “BUT MAKE FUCKING SURE SHE DOESN'T GET ABDUCTED OR SOMETHING OR I'LL FUCK YOU UP TOO.”
“Suh!” she slurs, saluting with bottle in hand. She holds that pose a moment longer before stuffing said bottle into her mouth.
“GLAD YOU'RE ON BOARD,” you say, then turn to your latest challenger, who's STILL DRINKING. “OKAY, LET'S GO!”
She finishes up, then shoots you a wink. “Sure thing!”
You follow her outside, where there are BODIES EVERYWHERE of the people who've gotten completely smashed trying to best you. Fuckers are PUKING, several people are BEATING EACH OTHER UP, at least one dude has somehow LOST ALL HIS CLOTHING, and Big Papa is making BIG BUSINESS from everyone still standing.
This is the sign of a job well done.
“WHAT SHOULD I CALL YOU,” you ask, walking side by side with your new guide (who is TOTALLY RIPPED, you just noticed) as she effortlessly weaves through the street of drunks, “BECAUSE TITAN TITS WILL ONLY GET ME SO FAR, UNLESS YOU TRY TO ATTACK ME, IN WHICH CASE I'LL JUST CALL YOU A FAGGOT.”
Her answering smile is MYSTERIOUS and ANNOYING. “You got quite a mouth, don'tcha?”
“YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK I'LL JUST STICK TO CALLING YOU A FUCKING MUTANT.”
She waves your fitting appellation off. “Aaah, Yuugi's fine.”
“THAT IS LESS OF A MOUTHFUL,” you grudgingly admit.
She shoots you a grin. “Isn't it?”
Lacking any pressing questions, you walk along in silence until the two of you get to a fairly clear bit of road, at which point Yuugi takes a few extra-long steps to get ahead of you, then turns to block your way. “Now I'm just gonna be real with you; the gal I'm taking you to see, she doesn't like to share her stuff. You're gonna have to beat her up if you want any.”
“I AM ALWAYS OKAY WITH BEATINGS,” you say, folding your huge arms as you glare at this slightly less huge mutant.
She gives you a thumbs-up. “Good first step! But while I'm pretty sure you can hold your drink, if the state of everyone else in that bar when I showed up was any sign, I still don't know how hard you can hit.”
Is this bitch serious? “IF YOU'RE GETTING AT WHAT I THINK YOU'RE GETTING AT, YOU'RE A GODDAMN MORON.”
Yuugi just shrugs. “Hey, if you want to see her, I want to know what you can do! If you can make me drop my sake, I'll take you the rest of the way. How's that sound?”
“YEP, YOU'RE A RETARD.” You make ready to walk off when she spreads her arms, leaving herself (and her dish) wide open.
“Aww, come on!” Her grin grows cocky. “I promise I won't hurt ya.”
SHE ACTUALLY JUST SAID THAT.
“...OH, BITCH, YOU DUN DID IT NOW.”
__________
[X] THE PLATE! SPILL THAT AND THIS IS OVER! CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE
[X] SHE WANTS TO KNOW HOW HARD YOU CAN HIT? FUCKING SHOW HER
[X] SHE WANTS TO KNOW HOW HARD YOU CAN HIT? FUCKING SHOW HER
Sorry, but I can't vote to waste the booze. I really wish we could end this by spilling her sake into something else and then drinking it in front of her.
Yuugi's outright lackadaisical attitude reminds you of that time you tried to bitchslap a Dark Eldar and the flippy bitch was, as your nomenclature for her implies, all flippy'n'shit. Point being, either this mutie's got genuine brain issues or something's fucky.
AND WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN SOMETHING'S FUCKY?
“HUTTAH!” you yell, and then punch her in the stomach (POWER FIST deactivated, of course; a filthy mutant she may be, but every one you slay is one less potential SERVANT OF THE EMPEROR). Yuugi's smile becomes DECIDEDLY ORKY as your fist connects, driving her back a step, but she otherwise doesn't even flinch. You stare at your fist embedded in her gut (not literally, but if it was anyone else, it probably WOULD be). “THE FUCK.”
“Not what I had in mind, but I like your style!” she says, as though you hadn't just hit her with a blow that's turned weaker bitches into bloody mist. “Still, if you wanna play rough...”
Her non-plate-wielding fist goes from motionless to OW FUCK YOUR NOSE. You give your head a few vigorous shakes, and then your eyes bulge out of their sockets as you spot the PUNCHY WENCH taking a sip from her plate. “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?”
“You hit me, I hit you back. It's that simple.” She makes a little 'come hither' gesture with her fore and middle fingers. “Now are you just gonna stand there and swear at me or are you gonna hit me again?”
Okay, you were kinda pulling your punch last time because you wanted some proper booze, but your restraint has officially been incinerated in holy promethium. You haul back for a real shit-wrecker of a punch and let it fly at her face, but she just sidesteps and tilts her head at the same time, which means your straight punch goes RIGHT PAST her ear.
You're already moving to follow up when her fist rams into your gut so hard that you, very briefly, are freed from GRAVITY'S TERRIBLE GRIP. As you arc through the air, it's all you can manage to BREATHE, GODDAMMIT, LUNGS, BE USEFUL AGAIN.
You land on your knees and dig furrows through the dirt as you slide to a halt a good dozen metres away from your target. “YOU- COCK-GOBBLING- SHITLICKER,” you wheeze, rising to your feet and hobbling towards Yuugi.
“Oh, please, do keep going,” she says, but she DOES steady her footing as you approach, so she isn't taking you entirely as a joke. “I collect insults!”
“OH DO YOU, YOU NIGGER?” you say, stopping just outside her reach.
She shrugs. “See, I have no idea what that means!”
“WELL IT'S AN ANCIENT SLUR THAT MEANS GET FUCKED!” You fire another punch off which she, of course, sidesteps, but it was a CUNNING RUSE TO DISTRACT HER, and your boot catches her knees, taking her legs out from beneath her.
She lands flat on her stomach without even wincing, plate still perfectly balanced in one hand, and gives you the SMUGGEST FUCKING LOOK. “If you wanna back out, I won't think any less of you.”
“YOU'RE BEING DANGEROUSLY CHEESY, YOU TOP-TO-BOTTOM MOTHERFUCKER!” You stomp down on her head, but she tosses the plate in a short arc sideways and rolls along with it, dodging your MIGHTY BOOT and catching her dish at the same time, and to your immense anger you notice there wasn't a SINGLE DROP SPILLED HOW THE FUCK.
“So!” She springs to her feet as you whirl on her, fist cocked back, and then she starts twirling the plate on one finger, keeping it perfectly balanced. “For such a big guy, I was honestly expecting more from ya.”
Your only reply to that is a “FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-”
__________
[X] WITH EVERY WORD OUT OF HER INSOLENT MOUTH, YOU GROW MORE FURIOUS. THIS IS A GOOD THING. LET HER KEEP RUNNING HER MOUTH, AND THEN, WHEN YOU REACH A NEVER-BEFORE-FELT LEVEL OF ANGER, ANNIHILATE HER WITH AN EXPLOSION OF RAGE AND HATE.
[X] EVEN ANGRY MARINES HAVE A SEMBLANCE OF DISCIPLINE, ALBEIT JUST THE BAREST SCRAPS OF SUCH. EXERCISE THAT RESTRAINT NOW; FOCUS ALL OF YOUR RAGE ON GRABBING THAT STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT LOWLIFE ASSHOLE GARBAGE PLATE
[X] THIS FIST OF MINE CRACKLES WITH A FUCK-AWESOME POWER! ITS CERAMITE GRIP IS GONNA CHOKE THE FUCK OUTTA YOU! TAKE THIS! MY ANGER! MY HATRED! AND ALL OF MY FURY!
[X] EVEN ANGRY MARINES HAVE A SEMBLANCE OF DISCIPLINE, ALBEIT JUST THE BAREST SCRAPS OF SUCH. EXERCISE THAT RESTRAINT NOW; FOCUS ALL OF YOUR RAGE ON GRABBING THAT STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT LOWLIFE ASSHOLE GARBAGE PLATE
-[X] MORE FUCKING INSULTS
[X] EVEN ANGRY MARINES HAVE A SEMBLANCE OF DISCIPLINE, ALBEIT JUST THE BAREST SCRAPS OF SUCH. EXERCISE THAT RESTRAINT NOW; FOCUS ALL OF YOUR RAGE ON GRABBING THAT STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT LOWLIFE ASSHOLE GARBAGE PLATE
[X] THIS FIST OF MINE CRACKLES WITH A FUCK-AWESOME POWER! ITS CERAMITE GRIP IS GONNA CHOKE THE FUCK OUTTA YOU! TAKE THIS! MY ANGER! MY HATRED! AND ALL OF MY FURY!
[X] WITH EVERY WORD OUT OF HER INSOLENT MOUTH, YOU GROW MORE FURIOUS. THIS IS A GOOD THING. LET HER KEEP RUNNING HER MOUTH, AND THEN, WHEN YOU REACH A NEVER-BEFORE-FELT LEVEL OF ANGER, ANNIHILATE HER WITH AN EXPLOSION OF RAGE AND HATE.
[X] EVEN ANGRY MARINES HAVE A SEMBLANCE OF DISCIPLINE, ALBEIT JUST THE BAREST SCRAPS OF SUCH. EXERCISE THAT RESTRAINT NOW; FOCUS ALL OF YOUR RAGE ON GRABBING THAT STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT LOWLIFE ASSHOLE GARBAGE PLATE
[X] WITH EVERY WORD OUT OF HER INSOLENT MOUTH, YOU GROW MORE FURIOUS. THIS IS A GOOD THING. LET HER KEEP RUNNING HER MOUTH, AND THEN, WHEN YOU REACH A NEVER-BEFORE-FELT LEVEL OF ANGER, ANNIHILATE HER WITH AN EXPLOSION OF RAGE AND HATE.
You're going to love this. Trust me. What you're seeing now is my normal state....
[X] WITH EVERY WORD OUT OF HER INSOLENT MOUTH, YOU GROW MORE FURIOUS. THIS IS A GOOD THING. LET HER KEEP RUNNING HER MOUTH, AND THEN, WHEN YOU REACH A NEVER-BEFORE-FELT LEVEL OF ANGER, ANNIHILATE HER WITH AN EXPLOSION OF RAGE AND HATE.
[X] WITH EVERY WORD OUT OF HER INSOLENT MOUTH, YOU GROW MORE FURIOUS. THIS IS A GOOD THING. LET HER KEEP RUNNING HER MOUTH, AND THEN, WHEN YOU REACH A NEVER-BEFORE-FELT LEVEL OF ANGER, ANNIHILATE HER WITH AN EXPLOSION OF RAGE AND HATE.
[X] THIS FIST OF MINE CRACKLES WITH A FUCK-AWESOME POWER! ITS CERAMITE GRIP IS GONNA CHOKE THE FUCK OUTTA YOU! TAKE THIS! MY ANGER! MY HATRED! AND ALL OF MY FURY!
OKAY THIS TIME IT TOTALLY WASN'T MY FAULT THAT I COULDN'T DO ANYTHING BEFORE THE DAY WAS OVER, BUT ANYWAY WE'RE IN AUTOSAGE AGAIN, ASSHOLES! I'M CALLING IT HERE FOR LETTING THE RAGE CONSUME YOU, AND THAT SHIT'LL BE IN A NEW THREAD!
No. 185998
