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File 144635506657.png - (341.34KB, 296x847, THAT'S FUCKING HERETICAL CHEN.png) [iqdb]
185269 No. 185269
You are an ANGRY MARINE, and as can generally be inferred from your title, you're usually pissed off, simmering with rage, quaking with anger, burning up with hate, and other metaphors for bone-tearing umbrage that you can't come up with because you're about to explode with the cock-smashing fury of FUCK EVERYTHING.

Your job is to smite CHAOS FUCKS, XENO FUCKS, and WHATEVER OTHER FUCKS get in your way, with the exception of INQUISITION FUCKS (because they'll fuck you right back), SPACE MARINE FUCKS (because holy shit you retard you're one of them), IMPERIAL GUARD FUCKS (because the Imperial Navy will bombard the shit out of you in retaliation), and finally SISTER OF BATTLE FUCKS (because the bolter bitches can and will shit fury all over you if you fuck with them, and that's something any Angry Marine can appreciate).

Right now you are doing the first thing, because there are Chaos fucks who need a powerfisting here on Bumfuck III (you didn't pay attention to the actual name in the briefing because fuck that, seriously), and they're all plinking away with their little pansy-ass bolters and stubbers and whatever the fuck else they've got in that unwashed crowd of cultists. More specifically, you are sailing through the air towards a CHAOS SORCEROR, who is ESPECIALLY PATHETIC because he uses SORCERY like some kind of TOTAL WIMP, and you are looking FORWARD to giving him a SURPRISE COLONOSCOPY, courtesy of YOUR FISTS.

Except there's a problem because THAT AFOREMENTIONED CHAOS FUCK just TORE OPEN A PORTAL and you FLEW RIGHT INTO IT because FUCKING MOMENTUM. So you plunge into this shitlord's MAGICAL REALM, all purple and filled with STARING EYEBALLS and VEINY TENTACLES, and of course the tentacles start playing grab-ass, because WHY NOT.

If there's anything that's more infuriating than falling through the Warp, it's falling through the Warp when a bunch of tentacles start trying to CRAWL UP YOUR ASSHOLE, so you engage in the tried and tested method of Angry Marine problem solving; grabbing whatever's causing the problem and ripping it in half while screaming obscenities.

“YOU THINK YOU CAN TAKE ME, YOU SLAANESHI FUCKSTICKS?!” you roar, ripping and tearing and punching to GREAT EFFECT, at least up to the point you plummet OUT of the Warp and leave a crater in a WOODEN FLOOR.

When you sit up, you are surrounded by PAPER WALLS.

PAPER. WALLS.

Before you can comment on how PAPER WALLS are retarded, gravity gives way and you float upwards, because some blonde bitch with HUGE BOOBS and ANGRY EYES just popped through a door and did some stupid-ass HAND GESTURING.

“How in the hell did you get here?” asks the chaos witch (you're just guessing here but it seems likely).

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS CHAOS BULLSHIT?” you bellow inquisitively, flailing around like a tard as you try to dismember her and succeed only at spinning yourself around.

“Magic~” She waggles her fingers, a smile popping up on her face for a moment before disappearing again. “Do you have any other questions?”

“WELL ACTUALLY I WAS GOING TO ASK YOU TO COME HERE SO I CAN RIP YOUR SPLEEN OUT.”

“I would rather not.”

“PUSSY.”

She tuts disapprovingly, and two portals with the eyeballs and everything open up, one above you and one beneath you, and you plummet through the bottom one only to fall out the upper portal, which leads to you falling through the lower one again, and it just KEEPS HAPPENING. You only get a second to swear at the witch with each pass.

“I'LL BITE YOUR LEGS OFF!”

“FUCKING QUIT IT!”

“YOU THUNDERCUNT!”

“EMPEROR DAMN YOU!”

“FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-”

You jolt to a halt after a solid minute of portal fuckery, and unleash the might of two middle-fingers at her.

“Amusing as this is,” says the bitch, studiously ignoring your vigorous miming of your intended course of action once you break loose, “I think now's the time for introductions. What's your name?”
__________

WHAT IS YOUR NAME, FUCKFACE?

[X] Fuckface.

[X] Angronicus.

[X] Tyrion Lannister.

[X] Doyou Evenliftimus.

[X] Tyrannosaurus Flex.

[X] Bob.

[X] THESE NAMES ARE ALL BULLSHIT I WANT TO MAKE MY OWN

WHAT IS YOUR SHIT-KICKING WEAPON OF CHOICE?

[X] Power Bat, for knocking out HOOOOOOOOOOOOOME RUUUUUUUNS (with heretic skulls).

[X] Power Wrench, for unscrewing someone's shit (this clause is literal).

[X] Power Chair, for unleashing the smacketh-down.

[X] Power Boots and Power Fists, for kicking those fucks in the balls and then ripping their arms off.

[X] Power Heavy Bolters, for shooting fucks while you punch their brains out.

[X] SOME OTHER IMPROVISED POWER WEAPON (GO NUTS)

-----

MOST UPDATES WILL NOT BE THIS DETAILED, YOU LITTLE SHITS. THIS WAS JUST WRITTEN UP IN ADVANCE.

ALSO THIS IS FOR THE CARNIVAL OR SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW, HAVE A LINK >>/gensokyo/13978

EXPECT DAILY UPDATES EVEN IF THEY'RE SHORT AND SHITTY ONES

ALSO BAD ENDS ARE A THING BECAUSE SURE WHY NOT

No. 185270
[X] Doyou Evenliftimus.

[X] Power Boots and Power Fists, for kicking those fucks in the balls and then ripping their arms off.

WHAT HO MUSCLE MARINE! MIGHT YE CAST US A SPELL?
No. 185271
[X] Doyou Evenliftimus.
[X] POWER CHAIR

Now you can have a bar fight on the go!
No. 185272
[X] Doyou Evenliftimus.
[X] POWER DINING ROOM SET, BECUASE WHAT FUCKING PUSSY ONLY USES ONE CHAIR!?!?

I don't even Warhammer, but this?

I would gladly this.
No. 185273
[X] THESE NAMES ARE ALL BULLSHIT
-[X] MY NAME IS FUCK YOU WHY WOULD I TELL MY NAME TO SOME CHAOS WHORE?!?
[X] POWER DINING ROOM SET, BECUASE WHAT FUCKING PUSSY ONLY USES ONE CHAIR!?!?
No. 185274
[X] Doyou Evenliftimus.
[X] POWER DINING ROOM SET, BECUASE WHAT FUCKING PUSSY ONLY USES ONE CHAIR!?!?
No. 185281
[X] Bob
[X] Power Boots and Power Fists, for kicking those fucks in the balls and then ripping their arms off.
No. 185285
[X] Mister Lister the Witcher Fister
[X] Power Boots and Power Fists, for kicking those fucks in the balls and then ripping their arms off.
No. 185289
[X] Doyou Evenliftimus.
[X] Power Wrench, for unscrewing someone's shit (this clause is literal).

I'M HERE TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR PLUMBING, BITCH!
No. 185290
[x] Fuckface
[x] Power Boots and Power Fists, for kicking those fucks in the balls and then ripping their arms off.
No. 185291
[X] Doyou Evenliftimus.
[X] Power Wrench, for unscrewing someone's shit (this clause is literal).

Why are so many of you interested in not causing specific and hilarious rage shenanigans? FUCK TECH-HERETICS. NO, NOT LITERALLY, SHITBIRD.
No. 185292
[X] WHAT IS YOUR NAME (is our name)
[X] POWER BANQUET HALL SET, BECUASE WHAT FUCKING PUSSY ONLY USES ONE CHAIR!?!?
No. 185296
[X] Bob.
[X] Power Heavy Bolters, for shooting fucks while you punch their brains out.
No. 185310
IT LOOKS LIKE DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS IS YOUR NAME. GOOD CHOICE, NIGGERS. AS FOR YOUR WEAPON OF CHOICE (PROPS ON THE POWER DINING ROOM SET IDEA BY THE WAY, THAT'S FUCKING GENIUS), WE HAVE-

>VOTE IS TIED BETWEEN POWER LIMBS AND POWER DINING ROOM

MOTHERFUCKERS

ONE OF YOU FAGMASTERS GIVE ME A TIEBREAKER SO WE CAN GET THIS SHIT ON THE ROAD

>>185270

>CAST US A SPELL

OH, BOY, DO I HAVE A CROWD-PLEASER OF A MAGIC TRICK FOR YOU.

SEE, WHAT YOU DO IS YOU FIND A CHAOS COCKBAG, RIP HIS HEAD OFF, THEN SHOVE IT SO FAR UP HIS ASSHOLE THAT IT COMES BACK OUT AT HIS NECK STUMP.

THOSE FUCKERS HATE IT. IT'S AMAZING.

>>185272

ENJOY THE RIDE, ASSHOLE, BECAUSE FUCK PLANNING THINGS IN ADVANCE, I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THIS IS ALL GOING TO END UP.

>>185271
>>185289
>>185291

YOU CUNTS GET IT. GOOD JOB.
No. 185311
[X] Doyou Evenliftimus.
[X] Power Boots and Power Fists, for kicking those fucks in the balls and then ripping their arms off.

Fuck I love this story already
No. 185312
>>185311

THANKS, ASSHOLE. WRITING NOW IN FAVOR OF POWER LIMBS (EVEN THOUGH A POWER DINING ROOM SET IS A POSSIBILITY IN THE FUTURE BECAUSE THAT IS AN IDEA I CANNOT LET GO).
No. 185314
File 144641586990.png - (29.49KB, 600x600, LOOK AT ALL THIS ADORABLE.png) [iqdb]
185314
Your name is DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS, but all this witch is getting from you is a hearty “MY NAME IS FUCK YOU, CHAOS WHORE! WHY SHOULD I TELL YOU ANYTHING?”

You RESUME FALLING, this time at TERMINAL VELOCITY. That is a PRETTY CONVINCING ARGUMENT, you have to admit.

When you're jerked to a stop AGAIN, you're left scowling at the witch, power limbs crackling with energy that can't find any release because THIS STUPID BITCH IS OUT OF REACH.

“FINE,” you say, though it galls the FUCK out of you to say it. “REMEMBER THE NAME DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS, BECAUSE I'M GONNA BEAT THE EVER-LOVING SHIT OUT OF YOU THE MOMENT I'M OUT OF THIS FAGGOTROCIOUS SORCERY. NOW WHAT'S YOURS, CUNTBAG? I GOTTA KNOW WHO I'M FUCKING UP LATER.”

“Yukari Yakumo, if it pleases you,” she says, nose turned up so high you momentarily mistake her for some Eldar bitch, and HOLY SHIT, that just makes her face MORE EVISCERATABLE. “Now you still haven't explained how you got here.”

“WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I TELL YOU- HOLD UP, WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?” You point to the newcomer peeking around a PAPER DOORWAY (WHY IS EVERYTHING PAPER HAVEN'T THESE FUCKS HEARD OF DEFENSIVE STRUCTURES), a small girl in her pajamas, and she has KITTY EARS.

BY THE EMPEROR HOW ADORABLE.

“Lady Yukari?” she says, wide-eyed as she edges around the door, which just lets you get a look at the TWO TAILS. HNNNNNNNGH. “Why is this huge guy screaming at everything? Also when did he get here?”

“MY NAME IS DOYOU, KIDDO,” you say, the overwhelming hate inside you winding down, just for a moment, in the face of SUCH CUTENESS. “I AM THE HUGEST. IF I WASN'T SPINNING AROUND LIKE THIS YOU COULD MAYBE SIT ON MY HUGE LAP.” You glare at Yukari. “HINT.”

“Chen?” Yukari says, making shooing gestures at the girl without taking her eyes off you. “Please go.”

“NO, WAIT, HOLD THE FUCK UP,” you say, waving your MIGHTY FISTS around. “DON'T MAKE HER GO. I'LL BE GOOD. ISH. WHADDAYA WANT?

Yukari blinks, probably surprised at your sudden about-face. “Ah? Well then. Chen, cover your ears.” Once Chen does so, she continues. “How did you get here?”

“A COCK-GOBBLING CHAOS FAGGOT DID SOME GOBBLEDEGOOK AND RIPPED OPEN A PORTAL IN THE WARP,” you say, gesturing illustratively along the way.

She cocks her head, bemused at your TOTALLY LOGICAL EXPLANATION. “And you went through it because... why, exactly?”

Wait, shit, you forgot that part. “I WAS FIRED AT HIM FROM AN ANGRINATOR, BUT IT TURNS OUT MOMENTUM'S A BITCH.”

“Aha,” Yukari says, an INSUFFERABLE SMIRK spreading across her face. “Thank you for your time, but that's all I wanted to know. Get out of my sight.”

“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-” you scream as the WHORE THAT IS GRAVITY takes effect, plunging you through the gap; it seals the moment you're through, leaving you falling in the Warp without anything to do except fight more tentacles. You do that WITH GUSTO, at least until ANOTHER PORTAL opens up below you, and of course you FALL THROUGH because sticking around in here means you won't be able to BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YUKARI.

This may have been A MISTAKE, since you find yourself over a LAKE OF FIRE in a CAVE SOMEWHERE and also there is a SUN up at the ceiling?

Then you fall INTO the LAKE OF FIRE.

It is REALLY HOT.

“-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!” you finish.
__________

[X] OW, SHIT, EMPRAHDAMMIT, YOU GOTTA GET OUTTA THIS.

[X] NO, YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS IS TOTALLY FINE. NO PROBLEM. YOU LIVE IN FIRE NOW.
No. 185315
[X] NO, YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS IS TOTALLY FINE. NO PROBLEM. YOU LIVE IN FIRE NOW.

The fire wants you to get out. I'm not going to let it have its way.
No. 185316
[X] NO, YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS IS TOTALLY FINE. NO PROBLEM. YOU LIVE IN FIRE NOW.

BACKSTROKE, SON.
No. 185317
File 144641681144.png - (310.18KB, 580x282, c4jt321.png) [iqdb]
185317
[X] NO, YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS IS TOTALLY FINE. NO PROBLEM. YOU LIVE IN FIRE NOW.
No. 185319
[X] NO, YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS IS TOTALLY FINE. NO PROBLEM. YOU LIVE IN FIRE NOW.

Because FUCK YOU FIRE.
No. 185320
[X] NO, YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS IS TOTALLY FINE. NO PROBLEM. YOU LIVE IN FIRE NOW.

I for one welcome "GODKING OF ALL THIS WAS, IS, AND EVER WILL BE FIRE" good end. Kudos to whomever though up this carnival thing, this shit is great.
No. 185322
[X] OW, SHIT, EMPRAHDAMMIT, YOU GOTTA GET OUTTA THIS.

NO ADORABLE GIRLS TO SIT IN OUR LAP HERE, TIME TO GO.
No. 185340
WOW, YOU NERDS REALLY WANT TO SHOW THAT PUSSY-ASS FIRE WHO'S BOSS. WHO THE FUCK DOES THIS FIRE THINK IT IS, ANYWAY? TIME TO BEAT THE SHIT OUTTA IT AND SHOW EVERYONE WHO'S REALLY IN CHARGE AROUND HERE.

>>185317

DO YOU REMEMBER HOW THAT COMIC ENDED?

BECAUSE I DO.
No. 185354
File 144649748886.png - (116.58KB, 500x657, 1446351766068.png) [iqdb]
185354
>>185340
ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT OUR UNDYING RAGE IS, SOMEHOW, COLDER THAN A SEA MADE LITERALLY OF LAVA?!
IF YOU LET YOURSELF BURN TO DEATH, THEN YOU AREN'T ANGRY ENOUGH.
No. 185362
File 144651804664.gif - (209.83KB, 500x500, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BULLSHIT.gif) [iqdb]
185362
FUCK WHAT SITE TIME SAYS, I STILL HAVE THREE AND A HALF HOURS ON MY END BEFORE THE DAY'S OUT, I'M STILL IN THIS CONTEST.

-----

You are an ANGRY MARINE, and you know EXACTLY how to KILL FIRE.

WITH MORE FIRE.

This is a metaphor for BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF IT.

Easier SAID than DONE, considering that you're in a sea of LITERAL FIRE. Like, this isn't even LIQUID MAGMA, you are STANDING ON VERY SOLID ROCKS at the BOTTOM OF THIS PIT while REGULAR FIRE is LICKING AT YOU and ALSO UP by like A HUNDRED METRES.

There are also CLIFFS around you, boxing you in, but what those motherfuckers don't understand is that they're only TRAPPING THE FIRE WITH YOU. STUPID FUCKING HELL GEOLOGY.

But, to your IMMENSE RAGE, no matter how you ATTACK THE FIRE, it REFUSES TO DIE. You PUNCH and KICK and ELBOW DROP it, but everything you do has all the effect of a WET FART.

It occurs to you, perhaps too late, that there was a situation JUST LIKE THIS back on FOROSIA. You know this because YOU WERE THERE when the planet was COVERED IN FIRE, attacking the HERETICAL FLAMES with your POWER FISTS and stomping it with your POWER BOOTS. The fact that this only SPURRED THE FIRE ONWARD to the point that it TOOK OVER THE WHOLE PLANET is not a proud moment in the Angry Marines' Chapter history, even if you did get to ORBITALLY BOMBARD the FUCK out of the fire afterward, which was TOTALLY RAD.

In fact, that whole situation ended in EXTERMINATUS, to quell the flames before they could THREATEN THE REST OF THE SECTOR. Now, you're no expert (except on how to BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HERESY), but you're PRETTY SURE you don't have an EXTERMINATUS on hand.

You might have BITTEN OFF MORE THAN YOU CAN CHEW here.

But this realization comes TOO LATE, for while your BURNING RAGE may sustain you through the SLIGHTLY LESS BURNING FIRE, your PANSY-ASS BODY cannot withstand it, and you BURN UP AND DIE.

WHAT THE FUCK. THIS IS BULLSHIT.

Your SOUL pries itself free of your FLAMING HUSK, and you FLY UPWARDS out of the LAKE OF FIRE, literally EVERY INCH of you SPASMING WITH RAGE.

You land on SOLID, NOT ON FIRE ground. Suddenly, a PIGTAILED REDHEAD in ROBES wielding a SCYTHE shows up in front of you!

“Yo,” says the HUGE-TITTIED REAPER. “I, uh, I think I'm supposed to collect y-”

You PUNCH HER STUPID FACE so hard it FLIES OFF. Literally, her FACE FLEW OFF, leaving her HEAD FIRMLY ATTACHED to her BODY. Her EYEBALLS and NOSE and MOUTH land on the ground, where they look VERY CROSS.

You pay this sight NO MIND as you storm off, thus commencing A LONG AND STORIED CAREER prowling Hell and FUCKING UP everyone you meet: wheelbarrow-toting CATGIRLS, sun-shooting CROW-GIRLS, shitty-hat-wearing WITCHES, motherfucking DAEMONS (you're honestly surprised by how long it took for them to SHOW UP) and whatever else is UNLUCKY ENOUGH to cross your VERY MUCH CORPOREAL FORM.

However, maybe BECAUSE you are MERELY A SOUL, you are UNABLE TO LEAVE HELL.

This means you cannot PUNCH YUKARI.

TRULY THIS IS THE WORST POSSIBLE ENDING.
__________

BAD END, FAGGOTS. NOW WE'RE GONNA REWIND AND NOT DIE TO STANDING AROUND IN FIRE, BUT BEFORE THAT, YOU'RE GONNA GET YOUR SHIT CHEWED OUT. WHO'S DOING IT?

[X] BY THE EMPEROR: Starring HIS HOLINESS, THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND

[X] YOU DONE FUCKED UP: Starring RAGING JIMMY FUKLAW

[X] WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU: Starring CHAPTER MASTER TEMPERUS

ALSO BECAUSE WHY NOT, ARE YOU A BEAKIE MARINE (LIKE PIC RELATED) OR A NOT-BEAKIE MARINE (LIKE THE OP'S PICTURE). THIS IS JUST FOR FLAVOR.

[X] BEAKIE

[X] NOT-BEAKIE
No. 185363
>>185362
[X] YOU DONE FUCKED UP: Starring RAGING JIMMY FUKLAW
No. 185364
[X] WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU: Starring CHAPTER MASTER TEMPERUS
[X] NOT-BEAKIE
No. 185365
>>185362
[X] YOU DONE FUCKED UP: Starring RAGING JIMMY FUKLAW
[X] NOT BEAKIE
No. 185366
[X] YOU DONE FUCKED UP: Starring RAGING JIMMY FUKLAW
[X] NOT-BEAKIE

I never really liked the beakie design.
No. 185367
[X] YOU DONE FUCKED UP: Starring RAGING JIMMY FUKLAW
[X] BEAKIE
Beakies are cool.
No. 185368
[X] BY THE EMPEROR: Starring HIS HOLINESS, THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND
[X] NOT-BEAKIE

Non-beakie looks angrier.
No. 185370
File 144652040786.jpg - (16.58KB, 300x200, full-metal-jacket-ermey-300x200.jpg) [iqdb]
185370
[X] HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT MARINE. ARE YOU RUNNING A GODDAMN ZOO IN HERE?!: Starring your Drill Sergeant.

There is nothing that is more scary to a marine, than his/her Drill Sergeant.

Also,
[X] NOT-BEAKIE
No. 185372
[X] BY THE EMPEROR: Starring HIS HOLINESS, THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND
[X] NOT-BEAKIE

Yeah, we'll go with this.
No. 185373
[X] WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU: Starring CHAPTER MASTER TEMPERUS

[X] BEAKIE

Punching lava? Pfff, who thought that could work?
No. 185377
>>185362
[X] YOU DONE FUCKED UP: Starring RAGING JIMMY FUKLAW
[X] NOT-BEAKIE
No. 185386
>>185354

LOOK, FAGGOT, THERE ARE CERTAIN PHYSICAL LAWS IN PLACE THAT EVEN ANGRY MARINES CAN'T FUCK WITH (THOUGH NOT FOR LACK OF TRYING). HOWEVER, THERE IS DEFINITELY A WAY TO OUT-HATE THE FIRES OF HELL IN THIS SITUATION, BECAUSE YOUR BITCH ASS WOULDN'T BE AN ANGRY MARINE IF YOU COULDN'T.

ANYWAY, CALLED FOR YOUR BEAKLESS ASS TO GET A SHIT-WRECKING FROM COMMISSAR FUKLAW, OH FUCKING BOY.


>>185370

FUCKING INSPIRED.

>There is nothing that is more scary to a marine, than his/her Drill Sergeant.

>,

THAT ISN'T WHERE YOU PUT A COMMA YOU NIGGER

>>185373

APPARENTLY EVERYBODY IF LAST VOTE IS ANYTHING TO GO OFF OF.
No. 185397
File 144661552233.jpg - (607.32KB, 835x1191, STOP BEING A RETARD.jpg) [iqdb]
185397
SHIT CAME UP ON MY END, BUT I STILL HAVE LIKE TWENTY-TWO MINUTES LEFT SO FUCK YOU I'M STILL COMPETING.
__________

Due to the power of TIME AND SPACE FUCKERY, you find yourself SOMEWHERE THAT DOESN'T MATTER, standing in front of an ULTRA-PISSED COMMISSAR FUKLAW. Well, he's always ULTRA-PISSED, but right now he seems EXTRA ULTRA-PISSED, which is QUITE THE FEAT.

“All right, fucknugget,” Fuklaw says, and even though he ISN'T SHOUTING you, it FEELS LIKE HE IS. “Where did you go wrong? Tell me in small words.”

“NOWHERE,” you say, because YOU DID NOT FUCK UP. The fire was just UNEXPECTEDLY STRONG.

His chainsword revs to life as he swings it at your head, but a quick dodge keeps it from hitting you. “THEN YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE, YOU RETARD!”

“THE FUCK YOU DOING?” you ask, popping a swing back at the OLDFAG, because FUCK if anyone's gonna take a swing at you without retaliation. He ducks your MIGHTY FIST and backpedals, keeping a healthy distance as he sizes you up for another swing.

“WHERE. DID. YOU. GO. WRONG?” he says, each word pounding through your helmet like a heavy bolter at point-blank range.

You want to KICK HIS ASS, but at the same time, he is KIND OF ATTACHED TO THE CHAPTER, and it would LOOK BAD and also you would GET YOUR SHIT KICKED IN if you killed him, so you think.

And think.

And MOTHERFUCKER WHY ARE YOU THINKING WHEN THERE'S SHIT TO KILL? Like that FIRE that SLEW YOUR ASS-

Wait a FUCKING MINUTE.

“...MAYBE THERE WAS A BETTER WAY TO BEAT THE PISS OUT OF THAT FIRE,” you grudgingly admit, loud enough that Fuklaw has to hold onto his cap or risk it being blown off by your IMMENSELY POWERFUL VOICE.

He grins, all teeth. “WELL HOO-FUCKING-RAH, YOU DO HAVE A TINY BRAIN IN THAT GIANT SKULL OF YOURS. HOW SHOULD YOU GO ABOUT THIS?”

“NOT BEING IN THE FIRE WHILE I BEAT UP THE FIRE?” you suggest, which seems to be SOUND TACTICAL REASONING: your FAGGOTROCIOUS ENEMY can't hurt you if he ISN'T TOUCHING YOU, which means you can KICK HIS SHIT IN MORE EASILY.

Fuklaw lowers his chainsword, apparently satisfied he won't have to shove it up your anus. “HE CAN THINK! BY THE EMPEROR!”

“OH SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU GIANT FAGMASTER,” you say, just BARELY resisting the urge to give the FAGMOTRON an ATOMIC WEDGIE.

“NOT BEFORE YOU GET BACK THERE AND SHOW THAT PIT WHAT THE FUCK IT JUST FUCKED WITH,” he says, offering you a fist.

“FUCK YEAH,” you reply, and BUMP FISTS.

“NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE,” he says, pointing at a DOOR TO HELL that wasn't there before. “AND TRY NOT TO FUCK UP AGAIN.”

You, of course, walk through the door, because THIS MAKES SENSE.

-----

You are in a LAKE OF FIRE.

Your first urge is to BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THE FIRE, but you feel like you have DONE THIS BEFORE. Instead, you march over to one of the cliffs surrounding you and start CLIMBING by PUNCHING HANDHOLDS into it and USING THOSE to ASCEND.

IT WORKS.

After a minute of getting roasted, you stand on SOLID GROUND, only SLIGHTLY CHARRED. On the other hand, you're definitely MORE ANGRY. This is GOOD. Looking around reveals you're, yup, UNDERGROUND. You're not sure why you expected that to change.

You do a quick mental check of your objectives: one, FUCK UP THIS LAKE OF FIRE, and two, PUNCH YUKARI. Objective ONE is more pressing at the moment, but now that you're out of the fire's reach, you cannot apply your POWER LIMBS to the problem.

SHIT. Maybe you should have THOUGHT THIS THROUGH.

“Oh!” says a REDHEADED CATGIRL, jolting your attention to her. She is carting around a WHEELBARROW full of CORPSES. She has TWO TAILS and KITTY EARS and is an ADULT, unlike CHEN who you met earlier. You are torn between calling HERESY on this OBVIOUS ABHUMAN and her BODY-BARROW and finding her IMMENSELY ADORABLE. “Um, hello!”

You crouch down until you're eyeball to eyeball with her. “ARE YOU A YIFFER.”

“...What?” she asks, uncovering her ears. “Could you not shout?”

“FUCK YOU.”

“Jeez!” She abandons her cart, backing away from your TERRIBLE WRATH. “What's your deal?”

“LET ME REPHRASE,” you say, raising your POWER FISTS. “YOU ARE DANGEROUSLY FURRY. ARE YOU A FELINID? IF THE ANSWER IS NO, I AM GOING TO FUCK YOU UP.”

“...What if my answer's yes?” she squeaks, suddenly realizing you're QUITE CAPABLE of following through on that statement.

“THEN I WILL NOT FUCK YOU UP, YOU MUTIE COCKSUCKER.”

She FALLS to her HANDS AND KNEES, eyes watering in ENTIRELY JUSTIFIED TERROR as she POUTS UP AT YOU. “Okay yes I'm a feliwhatsit please don't hurt me.”

You SUSPECT she may be LYING. On the other (GIANT, CRACKLING) hand, she looks WITHIN ACCEPTABLE MUTANT BOUNDARIES, even if TWO TAILS is HIGHLY SUSPECT.
__________

[X] She must be SUBJECTED TO FURTHER INVESTIGATION.

[X] FUCK THAT, YOU'RE GETTING PURGED
No. 185398
[X] She must be SUBJECTED TO FURTHER INVESTIGATION.

A REPLACEMENT FOR CHEN.
No. 185400
[X] She must be SUBJECTED TO FURTHER INVESTIGATION.

BUT FIRST, your NEW NAME is MS. CUDDLES, FAGGOT! And now YOU are MY PET CAT!
No. 185401
[X] She must be SUBJECTED TO FURTHER INVESTIGATION.

OUR LAP IS COLD AND EMPTY
No. 185406
[X] She must be SUBJECTED TO FURTHER INVESTIGATION.

There's a possibility of HERESY here. We have to make sure.
No. 185408
[X] She must be SUBJECTED TO FURTHER INVESTIGATION.
No. 185412
[X] She must be SUBJECTED TO FURTHER INVESTIGATION.

SEEMS JUST BELOW 15%
THESE ARE ACCEPTABLE RESULTS.
No. 185415
[X] She must be SUBJECTED TO FURTHER INVESTIGATION.
No. 185416
YEAH THAT SEEMS PRETTY MUCH ALL IN FAVOR, SO I'M NOT DICKING AROUND WAITING FOR SOME KIND OF MIRACULOUS COUNTER-VOTE RUSH.

>>185398
>>185400
>>185401
>>185406
>>185412

I SEE YOU ARE STARTING TO THINK LIKE PROPER ANGRY MARINES, YOU SHITLICKERS. KEEP IT UP.
No. 185417
Satori is going to have a blast.

As in her brain will explode from all the condensed, unbridled fury.
No. 185423
File 144667950378.png - (432.21KB, 1920x1080, PURGE THE MUTANT.png) [iqdb]
185423
No. 185424
>>185423
ah fuck that should be "Could you not shout"
No. 185431
File 14466883057.png - (1.72MB, 1023x776, HOLY FUCK THE MUTIES ARE MULTIPLYING.png) [iqdb]
185431
>>185423

THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME. I WILL ENGRAVE IT INTO THE CHAPTER'S HISTORY.
__________

On SECOND THOUGHT, this KITTY-GIRL does not have FUR or really ANY OTHER ANIMAL CHARACTERISTICS beyond the EARS AND TAILS, so SHE IS WITHIN ACCEPTABLE BOUNDARIES.

HOWEVER.

“YOU'RE COMING WITH ME,” you say as you stand stand up, deactivate your POWER FISTS, and grab the back of her shirt to haul the flailing MUTIE up to EYE-LEVEL. “WHAT IS YOUR NAME?”

“Rin-”

“THAT WAS RHETORICAL, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOUR NAME IS. YOUR NEW ONE IS MS. CUDDLES, AND YOU ARE NOW MY PET CAT.”

“B-but I already have a master!” she protests, folding her arms across her chest and looking IRRITABLE as she DANGLES IN FRONT OF YOU, which is INCREDIBLY CUTE. You (with a bit of ANNOYING FIDDLING) seat her atop one of your HUGE PAULDRONS, so that she may have an excellent VANTAGE POINT as you as ADVENTURE.

“I DON'T GIVE A SINGLE IOTA OF A MOLECULE OF A FUCK,” you say, and point at the BODY-BARROW still lying in front of you. “WHY WERE YOU CARTING SO MANY DEAD ASSHOLES AROUND?”

“Because it's my job?” she says, nervously fidgeting on her new perch. “The fires'll burn out if I don't feed them-”

“YOU'RE THE ONE WHO KEEPS THOSE FIRES GOING?” you thunder, any good feelings you had ANNIHILATED at this revelation. “I'M HERE TO EXTINGUISH THE FUCK OUTTA THEM. HOW DO I DO THAT?”

“Well, uh, um, that's-”

“STOP STUTTERING YOU FAGGOT CAT.”

“Stopping me's a good start!” she says, hands glued (METAPHORICALLY SPEAKING) to her ears. “I'm pretty much the only one who keeps 'em running! But, uh, Okuu'll still charge 'em up for a while even without me supplying her-”

“TAKE ME TO THIS 'OKUU,'” you demand, “SO THAT I MAY BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF- OF-”

“Her,” Ms. Cuddles helpfully supplies.

You reach over and RUFFLE HER HAIR, which seems to ANNOY HER. “THANKS. ANYWAY, GONNA GO BEAT HER SHIT IN AND KILL THESE EMPRAH-DAMNED FIRES.”

“Why do you wanna do that?” she asks, looking OFFENDED.

“BECAUSE I FUCKING FELL IN THEM, DIPSHIT.”

“Why?”

“BECAUSE YUKARI TOSSED ME DOWN HERE.”

“Why?”

“BECAUSE FUCK YOU SHOW ME WHERE OKUU IS BEFORE I PITCH YOU INTO THE FIRE.”

“All right fine jeez.”

-----

You storm into the NUCLEAR FURNACE, skipping all the travel time that would be BORING AS FUCK to TRANSCRIBE. The FURNACE is FAIRLY SMALL and CRAMPED, with a GRATE FLOOR that shows NUCLEAR FIRE below you. It is home to a SIX-FOOT TALL GIRL with BIG-ASS CROW WINGS and a GIANT ORANGE STICK on her RIGHT ARM. There is also an EVIL EYEBALL in the CENTER of her CHEST.

She WAVES HI with her ROD. “Orin! Who's your friend?”

“He's not my friend!” Ms. Cuddles says, which DEEPLY WOUNDS YOU.

Still, you can put that aside for the moment, because “YOU MOTHERFUCKING WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!” you roar, stomping over.

“Beg your pardon?” Okuu asks, cocking her head in a display so guileless it WRAPS ALL THE WAY BACK AROUND to IMMENSELY SHIFTY. “I can't be a mother fucker, mister! Do you see any baby fucklings around?”

“Okuu!” Ms. Cuddles gasps, scandalized.

“...WHAT,” you add, confounded.

“And I'm not a witch, either!” Okuu lifts the ROD straight up, grinning. “I'm a scientist!

You POKE the EVIL EYEBALL before she can BORE YOU with TECHNOBABBLE. Your finger SINKS INTO IT with a SQUISH, but NOTHING ELSE HAPPENS.

“Please stop,” Okuu says, staring at your finger with DEEP CONCERN.

You POKE the EYEBALL several more times, fascinated. “WHAT CHAOS SHITLORD DID YOU MAKE A PACT WITH TO GET THIS THING?”

She blinks. “Chaos? I just ate Yataragasu!”

“YATARAWHAT THE FUCK?”

Okuu beams up at you. “The Sun God!”

HERESY STATUS: CONFIRMED. “THAT'S IT, I'VE HEARD ENOUGH, THIS PLACE IS GETTING SHUT THE FUCK DOWN.”

Okuu's smile VANISHES, and she SWOOPS BACK to the OPPOSITE END of the chamber, maybe THIRTY METRES AWAY. “THE HELL YOU ARE!” she screams, as LOUD AS YOU ARE, before she is CONSUMED IN FIRE. When it dies down, she's all GLOWY'N'SHIT, and chooses now to ROCKET AT YOU. Ms. Cuddles JUMPS OFF just before you get CLUDGED UPSIDE THE HEAD with Okuu's rod, which sends you FLYING INTO A WALL.

PISS

When you stand once again, you're MOTHERFUCKING ANGRY. “HOLY SHITTING FUCK, YOU TERRIBLE CUNT, GO FUCK A CHAINSAW.”

“This furnace is mine!” Okuu shouts, Ms. Cuddles retreating to a corner and ducking into a little ball. “So hurry up and DIE!

She levels the rod at your face, and GOLDEN ENERGY gathers up in the BARREL-EQUIVALENT. You dodge-roll just as a YELLOW LASER shoots past you, and land near Ms. Cuddles' COWERING SELF.
__________

[X] TIME TO BEAT A MUTIE WITH ANOTHER MUTIE

[X] MS. CUDDLES, SHIELD ME WHILE I CLOSE IN TO SMITE HER

[X] GO, GO, CAT MISSILE, GO
No. 185432
>>185431
[X] TIME TO BEAT A MUTIE WITH ANOTHER MUTIE
A classic
No. 185433
File 144669299412.jpg - (18.83KB, 512x384, 1296644241154.jpg) [iqdb]
185433
[X] GO, GO, CAT MISSILE, GO
No. 185435
[X] TIME TO BEAT A MUTIE WITH ANOTHER MUTIE
THE MIGHTY MAD MUTIE MUTILATING MARINE
No. 185438
[X] GO, GO, CAT MISSILE, GO

Fly, Orin!
No. 185440
[X] GO, GO, CAT MISSILE, GO
No. 185441
[X] TIME TO BEAT A MUTIE WITH ANOTHER MUTIE
WE'RE GONNA' BE THE FUCKING BEST!
LIKE NO FUCKER WAS BEFORE!
CATCH CUTE BITCHES IS MY FUCKING TEST!
TO TRAIN THEM IS OUR CAUSE!
No. 185444
[X] GO, GO, CAT MISSILE, GO

Are all the options cat-abuse centered?
GOOD.

THAT'S EFFECTIVE TOOL USAGE. YOUR DRILL SERGEANT WOULD BE PROUD, IF HE WERE CAPABLE OF ANY FEELINGS BESIDES DISGUST, DISAPPOINTMENT, ANGER AND LOYALTY TO THE EMPEROR.
No. 185448
[X] GO, GO, CAT MISSILE, GO
Rin Alpha 1-1, you are cleared for takeoff.
No. 185449
[X] GO, GO, CAT MISSILE, GO

Make the Emprah proud Orin.
No. 185451
[X] GO, GO, CAT MISSILE, GO

This is it Ms. Cuddles, your big moment. Time to die for the Emperor or die trying.
No. 185454
[X] TIME TO BEAT A MUTIE WITH ANOTHER MUTIE

THIS FURNACE IS SO SMALL AND CRAMPED THAT YOU CAN HARDLY SWING A CAT AROUND WITHOUT HITTING SOMETHING
No. 185456
[X] GO, GO, CAT MISSILE, GO

GODSPEED.
No. 185461
[X] GO, GO, CAT MISSILE, GO

I have a feline this will end in some kind of cat-astrophe.
No. 185462
File 144674974647.jpg - (44.01KB, 250x250, 143342.jpg) [iqdb]
185462
>>185461

Anon pls
No. 185465
VOTE CALLED. THE FAGGOT CAT IS TAKING A FAGGOT TRIP THROUGH THE FAGGOT AIR TO DROP THAT FAGGOT CROW.

IN GENSOKYO, ALL IS FAGGOT.

>>185435

ALLITERATION ON THE FLY IS ALWAYS GOOD. IT MAKES HERETICS CONFUSED WHEN YOU'RE SCREAMING AT THEM, WHICH GIVES YOU MORE TIME TO CLOSE IN AND TEAR THEIR LEGS OFF.

>>185441

LAST TWO LINES COULD USE SOME WORK, BUT OTHERWISE THIS IS RAD.

>>185444

MY SERGEANT HAS BEEN DEAD FOR A CENTURY NOW, BUT THAT WAS A PRETTY GOOD SUMMARY OF HIM WHEN HE WAS ALIVE.

>>185448
>>185449
>>185451
>>185456

ALL SERVE THE EMPEROR IN THEIR OWN SPECIAL WAY, EVEN AS PROJECTILE WEAPONRY.

>>185454

DON'T YOU FUCKING KNOW IT. EVEN IF CROW-BITCH IS ABLE TO FLY THIRTY METRES BACK IN HERE THAT'S STILL FUCKING TINY WHERE A MARINE'S CONCERNED.

>>185456

I'M JUST GOING TO ASSUME THE 'EMPEROR' PART OF THAT WAS IMPLIED.

>>185461

HOLY FUCK GO DIE
No. 185466
File 144676255083.png - (262.58KB, 2000x1000, rinmissile.png) [iqdb]
185466
>THE FAGGOT CAT IS TAKING A FAGGOT TRIP THROUGH THE FAGGOT AIR TO DROP THAT FAGGOT CROW
No. 185467
>>185466
ANGRY MARINE used RIN MISSILE!
CRITICAL HIT!
CRITICAL HIT!
CRITICAL HIT!
CRITICAL HIT!
CRITICAL HIT!
HIT 5 TIMES!
IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE!
The wild OKUU dropped from the sky!
No. 185489
File 144678692613.jpg - (1.22MB, 1304x978, OH BOY HERE WE GO.jpg) [iqdb]
185489
>>185466

FUCKING AWESOME

>>185467

YOU GET POINTS TOO

ANYWAY THIS IS A SHORT ONE BUT WHAT THE FUCK EVER ENJOY IT ANYWAY
__________

You briefly consider the AVAILABLE OPTIONS, then reach out and PICK UP the CAT-GIRL.

“TIME TO SERVE YOUR EMPEROR!” you say, and PITCH HER at your HERETICAL FOE.

“Awawawawawa!” she shrieks, arms against her sides and legs held straight for MAXIMUM AERODYNAMICS.

This confuses your enemy, who stops shooting at you and, with a cry of “Orin!” flies up to catch your FELINID MISSILE. The MIGHTY FORCE of your throw sends her BACK INTO A WALL when she catches Ms. Cuddles, leaving you free to STORM HER.

You DO SO, every step shaking the GRATE FLOOR in a FRANKLY WORRYING DISPLAY. It's a mere handful of seconds before you're in SHIT-KICKING RANGE, and Okuu has just set Ms. Cuddles down, so you JUMP. “RETARDWHOGETSHERSHITPUSHEDINSAYSWHAT”

“What?!” she says, your FELINID FRIEND diving aside, and then you hit the crow-witch with over HALF A TON of POWER ARMOR and MUSCLE and HATE.

“HAHA GOTCHA BITCH” you roar, slamming into the grate floor on top of her and then ACTIVATING YOUR POWER-FISTS, which CRACKLE with POWER, hence the NAME. “TASTE MY LIGHTNING, FUCKER!”

You haul back and SLUG HER hard enough to punch her head THROUGH THE GRATE FLOORING, except by some miracle her braincase is not SEPARATED from the rest of her body, even if it IS shoved through the new hole in the floor.

“Ow!” she says, and then she gets EVEN GLOWIER and EXPLODES OW FUCK.

You rebound off the opposite wall and land on your face, staring down at the NUCLEAR FIRE as you think about what just happened. You conclude that this is some serious bullshit, because usually people just die instead of EXPLODING when you beat them with a power fist. You stand up, and Okuu is somehow alive after her SPONTANEOUS DISCHARGE and your MIGHTY FISTING, albeit NOT GLOWING.

“YOU'RE A STURDY BITCH, I'LL GIVE YOU THAT,” you say, while she massages her GIANT BRUISE of a FACE.

She glares at you, wings flared out with Ms. Cuddles hiding behind her, and WOW, that CAPE of hers has all sorts of STARS'N'SHIT moving around on the inside. That's PRETTY FUCKING NEATO. “All right, I've had enough!” she says, and then she FLIES UP, dragging your PET CAT with her.

OUT OF RANGE.

FUCK.

“ALL CONTAMINANTS MUST BE REMOVED!” she bellows, ONCE AGAIN proving she has some EXCELLENT PIPES. “COMMENCING PURGE!”

She lets go of Ms. Cuddles, leaving her to FLY ON HER OWN (WHAT), before raising a hand above her head, pointer finger extended, and OH FUCK HERE COME THE LASERS AND MINIATURE SUNS AND OTHER BULLSHIT.
__________

[X] CONTAMINANTS? YOU'LL SHOW THIS FUCKING PLACE CONTAMINANTS. BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THIS FURNACE.

[X] NO WALL CAN STAND AGAINST POWER-FISTS, SO CLIMB THEM AND JUMP ON THE CROW SO YOU CAN FUCK HER UP.

[X] JUST DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODGE

[X] CONCEDE DEFEAT FUCK THAT NOISE
No. 185491
[X] DODGE! DODGE! DODGE! DODGE! DODGE!

FUCKING SHIT IS THAT THE FUCKING SUN!? THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!
No. 185492
[X] JUST DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODGE

Plasma weapons man. Hope she suffers overheat.
No. 185493
[X] NO WALL CAN STAND AGAINST POWER-FISTS, SO CLIMB THEM AND JUMP ON THE CROW SO YOU CAN FUCK HER UP.

WHAT THE WARP IS THIS HERETICAL BULLCRAP? ORC WEAPONS MAKE MORE SENSE THAN THIS GARBAGE
No. 185494
[X] JUST DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODGE
No. 185503
[X] JUST DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODGE

Prepare for incoming bullshit.
No. 185513
I WILL MAKE THIS QUICK: I AM GOING TO BE TRAVELING AND WRITING THIS UPDATE BY PHONE. IT WILL BE AWFUL. SO I AM CALLING IT NOW FOR RUNNING.
No. 185518
File 144684703542.jpg - (91.21KB, 1000x1241, 5bec24dc6840eb7969c53fe1704ab758.jpg) [iqdb]
185518
I HAD TO WRITE ALMOST ALL OF THIS BY PHONE ON THE ROAD AND IT WAS THE WORST FUCKING THING SO THIS UPDATE IS KINDA SHITTY AND REALLY SHORT. BUT IT WAS EITHER THIS OR DISQUALIFICATION PROBABLY, SO THIS WILL JUST HAVE TO DO. NEXT UPDATE WILL NOT BE SO ABSOLUTELY AWFUL.
__________

Okay, so you can't get to them normally. This is INCREDIBLY ANNOYING, but you'll make do, like you usually do when faced with enemy aircraft. Actually, what you usually do with enemy aircraft is load yourself into an Angrinator and then shoot yourself at the SHIP IN QUESTION, but you don't have one of those around so HOLY FUCK DODGE

You ROLL and JUMP and DIVE as lasers hit the ground and suns EXPLODE and THIS IS FUCKING HORRIBLE, EMPEROR GUIDE YOU, NO ONE HAS EVER SHOT SUNS AT YOU BEFORE.

But, as this MADNESS PERSISTS, you realize that this is probably like PLASMA, CHAOS EDITION, and the thing about that shit is that it tends to FUCKING EXPLODE with overuse, so if this witch's barrage is anything like that you can probably outlast her.

So even when her shots start BLASTING CHUNKS out of the grate floor, exposing more and more DEADLY SPACE with the FURNACE FIRE BENEATH IT, you prove yourself to be an AGILE MOTHERFUCKER, being all FLIPPY AND SHIT to a degree that would be KIND OF EMBARRASSING if any of your battle brothers saw you doing it.

'DOYOU,' they would say, 'STOP BEING A FAGGOTY ELDER AND JUST BEAT THAT BITCH'S FACE IN.'

Much you would like to, you cannot, so instead you TAKE A FLAMING BLUE SKULL TO THE FACE WHAT.

"HAHAHA!" cackles Ms. Cuddles, MORE SKULLS in her hands.

"BETRAYAAAAAL" you bellow, catching the next skull and CRUSHING IT INTO DUST. "BETRAYED ME! FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUU"

She pitches two more at you, which you ALSO CATCH, but then it OCCURS TO YOU that you can USE THIS to your EMPRAH-DAMNED ADVANTAGE.

So, after ROLLING AWAY from another SUNSPLOSION, you haul back with your TWO FLAMING HANDFULS and TAKE AIM.
__________

[X] GET DAT FUKKEN CROW

[X] THE CAT WILL GET HERS COURTESY OF YOUR MAGNIFICENT PITCHING ARM

[X] SPLIT YOUR SKULLFIRE, RETARD, KEEP THEM GUESSING
No. 185519
[X] GET DAT FUKKEN CROW

Her mobility makes her a higher priority target. We can just punch the treachery out of Rin.
No. 185521
[X] GET DAT FUKKEN CROW

MS CUDDLES IS MISGUIDED BY THE BITCH-NUCLEAR-CROW OF CHAOS, THUS THE CROW MUST BE PURGED
No. 185522
[X] GET DAT FUKKEN CROW
No. 185523
[X] GET DAT FUKKEN CROW

HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU ACTUALLY WROTE THIS ON A FUCKING PHONE!? JUST HOW FUCKING DETERMINED ARE YOU TO WIN THE CONTEST?
No. 185524
>>185518
[X] GET DAT FUKKEN CROW

FUCK HER AND EVERYTHING SHE STANDS/FLIES FOR, WE ARE THE EMPEROR'S RAGE MANIFEST, THROW THOSE SKULLS LIKE A CUNTFACED KHORNE CULTIST THAT'S TRYING TO GET ENOUGH RENOWN TO SUCK HIS FAKE GOD'S DICK LIKE THE RED PAINTED FAGGOT HE IS.
No. 185525
[X] GET DAT FUKKEN CROW

WE CANNOT MAKE HER OUR PET SUN BIRD IF SHE'S IN THE FUCKING AIR, MISGUIDING OUR BELOVED PET CAT!

NOBODY MISGUIDES MS. CUDDLES!!! SHE WILL RECEIVE A FIRM ASS-WHUPPING UNTIL SHE'S A PROPER FUCKING PET!!!
No. 185526
[X] GET DAT FUKKEN CROW

Even in betrayal, mr cuddles still help us!
No. 185528
>>185526

This guy gets it. MS CUDDLES has seen fit to arm us with SUITABLE WEAPONRY to take down WORST CROW.

[X] Cry havoc' and loose the skulls of war.
-[X] Target = NOkuu
No. 185529
[X] GET DAT FUKKEN CROW
No. 185536
[X] SPLIT YOUR SKULLFIRE, RETARD, KEEP THEM GUESSING
No. 185562
WELL FUCKDAMMIT I COULDN'T EVEN GET ON THIS COMPUTER UNTIL THERE'S ONLY THREE HOURS LEFT BEFORE TODAY'S DEADLINE.

ANYWAY IT WARMS MY BLACK HEARTS (YES TWO FOR YOU FAGGOTS WHO AREN'T AWARE) THAT YOU ARE ALL GETTING SO INTO THE ANGRY MARINE MINDSET WITH YOUR VOTES, AND I APPROVE OF YOU ALL CONTINUING LIKE THIS. I WOULD SINGLE OUT POSTS, BUT YOU ARE ALL EXCEPTIONAL SPECIAL SNOWFLAKES ON THE EMPEROR'S FRONT STEPS. EXPECT A CROW ASS-WHUPPIN' SOONISH, GAYLORDS.

>>185523

DETERMINED ENOUGH THAT I MISS TYPOS LIKE 'ELDER' INSTEAD OF 'ELDAR', BECAUSE FUCK AUTOCORRECT.
No. 185563
File 144696001513.jpg - (436.54KB, 600x532, SHE IS A HUMANOID CONCENTRATION OF AWFUL AND HERES.jpg) [iqdb]
185563
You have earned COMPLIMENTARY INSULTS in the past for your skill in THROWING SHIT; there was the time you shoved in a Chaos Marine's head with an expertly lobbed power-wrench, for one, which got you MANY FIST-BUMPS and FRIENDLY HEADBUTTS from the other Angry Marines who bore witness to it.

You draw on that talent now, spinning around another LASER ATTACK and using that momentum to whip PROJECTILE SKULLS at the CROW-WITCH, and they SCREAM AS THEY FLY, which is PRETTY METAL. What is NOT METAL is how Okuu FLITS ASIDE, leaving the skulls to hit the furnace walls and EXPLODE FOR NO REASON.

You'd be angrier about this if you weren't diving away from another GRATE-ERADICATING LASER; your AVAILABLE FLOORING is running DANGEROUSLY LOW by this point, and one WRONG ROLL will send you into a world of PAIN AND BURNING.

“Orin!” Okuu calls out, her mad grin PROBABLY KHORNATE IN NATURE. “Pin him down! I'll finish this!”

“Gladly!” Ms. Cuddles THE BETRAYER responds, seeing fit to throw MORE SKULLS at you REALLY FUCKING QUICKLY. You're forced back into a CORNER by this unending bombardment, only a FEW METRES of ground left around you, which means there's only one option left to defend yourself.

“FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU” you yell, every swear marking the punch of another skull to dust. It's worth noting that POWER-FISTS are generally REALLY SLOW, but you are SO FUCKING MAD RIGHT NOW after your BETRAYAL that you're swinging A SHITLOAD FASTER THAN NORMAL.

After a few seconds, Okuu takes aim with her LASER CANNON THINGAMABOB, bracing it with her other hand, and the barrel gets all GLOWING with DEATH. And you, CUNNING BASTARD that you are, put your PLAN INTO ACTION, grabbing ANOTHER PAIR of SKULLS and SOAKING the REST OF THE BOMBARDMENT with a shout of “SHIT OW FUCK ME”

“SUNLIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!” Okuu howls, unleashing the BEAM.

You CHARGE FORWARD by all of FIVE METRES through RELENTLESS SKULL-FIRE, ending up at the EDGE of AVAILABLE FLOORSPACE, and PITCH YOUR OWN SKULLS at the crow.

Okuu is TOO BUSY stabilizing her laser-cannon that she DOES NOT SEE THEM, and so they hit her IN THE FACE.

This DROPS THE BITCH.

“AHAHAHAHAHA OW FUCK” you roar, first in triumph and then in HIDEOUS PAIN as the SUNLIGHT LASER smashes through the ground behind you, roasting you EVEN THROUGH YOUR POWER-ARMOR.

THAT IS SOME SERIOUS SHIT.

On the BRIGHT SIDE, Okuu is wobbling in the air, having stopped with the FREAKING LASER BEAMS.

“Momma,” she croaks, and then her eyes ROLL UP and she PLUMMETS.

“Okuu!” Ms. Cuddles shrieks, diving after her, completely forgetting about you. She JUST BARELY catches Okuu's THICK, HARD CONCRETE LEG before she slams flat into the edge of the GRATE FLOOR, leaving the crow to DANGLE SENSELESSLY upside-down OVER THE LEDGE and also giving you a SURPRISE PANTY-SHOT.

GREEN, huh? At least she can manage COLOR COORDINATION.

You MAKE YOUR WAY OVER, shuffling sideways across the narrow bits of floor that STILL REMAIN until you find yourself LOOMING MENACINGLY over Ms. Cuddles. “SEE, THIS IS WHY I CAN'T TAKE FIGHTING A BITCH IN A SKIRT SERIOUSLY. YOU FALL DOWN ONCE AND THEN EVERY FAGGOT EVER IS LOOKING AT YOUR UNDERWEAR.”

“Okuu!” she says, looking up at you ALL A-PANIC. “She's too heavy with all her stuff on! Help me!”

“ARE YOU FOR FUCKING REAL.”

“I'm sorr-eee-hee-heeeeeeee!” wails Ms. Cuddles.
___________

[X] YOU ARE ACCEPTABLY SORRY, MS. CUDDLES, AND FOR THIS YOUR HERETICAL FRIEND WILL BE PURGED OF CHAOS VIA HUGS AND CUDDLES AND PETTING AND PROPER TRAINING.

[X] FUCK YOU THAT CROW NEEDS TO GO INTO THE FURNACE SO SHE CAN THINK ON HER SINS AGAINST THE EMPRAH.
No. 185564
[X] YOU ARE ACCEPTABLY SORRY, MS. CUDDLES, AND FOR THIS YOUR HERETICAL FRIEND WILL BE PURGED OF CHAOS VIA HUGS AND CUDDLES AND PETTING AND PROPER TRAINING.
>“SEE, THIS IS WHY I CAN'T TAKE FIGHTING A BITCH IN A SKIRT SERIOUSLY. YOU FALL DOWN ONCE AND THEN EVERY FAGGOT EVER IS LOOKING AT YOUR UNDERWEAR.”
EMPEROR/10 - STORY OF THE CENTURY
No. 185565
[X] YOU ARE ACCEPTABLY SORRY, MS. CUDDLES, AND FOR THIS YOUR HERETICAL FRIEND WILL BE PURGED OF CHAOS VIA HUGS AND CUDDLES AND PETTING AND PROPER TRAINING.

DON'T FORGET THE REASON WHY WE FIGHT, BATTLE BROTHERS.
No. 185566
[X] YOU ARE ACCEPTABLY SORRY, MS. CUDDLES, AND FOR THIS YOUR HERETICAL FRIEND WILL BE PURGED OF CHAOS VIA HUGS AND CUDDLES AND PETTING AND PROPER TRAINING.

But of course.
No. 185567
[X] YOU ARE ACCEPTABLY SORRY, MS. CUDDLES, AND FOR THIS YOUR HERETICAL FRIEND WILL BE PURGED OF CHAOS VIA HUGS AND CUDDLES AND PETTING AND PROPER TRAINING.

WE WILL PURGE THE HERESY OUT OF THIS HERETIC, AND WITH HER AND MS.CUDDLES, WE WILL PURGE THIS ENTIRE LAND OF HERESY AND FAGGOTRY AND REPLACE IT WITH BADASSERY...AND AWESOME HUGS.
No. 185568
[X] YOU ARE ACCEPTABLY SORRY, MS. CUDDLES, AND FOR THIS YOUR HERETICAL FRIEND WILL BE PURGED OF CHAOS VIA HUGS AND CUDDLES AND PETTING AND PROPER TRAINING.

FUCKING SIT! STAY, YOU LITTLE SHIT! NOW PRAISE THE EMPEROR! PRAISE HARDER!!! GOOD BITCH, YOU FUCKING EARNED YOUR STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE!
No. 185571
[X] YOU HAVE NOT YET ACHIEVED ACCEPTABLE LEVELS OF SORRY. SORRY HARDER.
-[X] Assist MS. CUDDLES after she achieves APEX SORRY.

Ask yourselves; would the Emperor accept that pitiful showing of sorry? I think not.
No. 185577
[X] YOU HAVE NOT YET ACHIEVED ACCEPTABLE LEVELS OF SORRY. SORRY HARDER.
-[X] Assist MS. CUDDLES after she achieves APEX SORRY.

HALF-ASS SORRY IS NOT SORRY AT ALL.
No. 185578
[X] YOU HAVE NOT YET ACHIEVED ACCEPTABLE LEVELS OF SORRY. SORRY HARDER.
-[X] Assist MS. CUDDLES after she achieves APEX SORRY.

REPENT.
No. 185580
[X] YOU ARE ACCEPTABLY SORRY, MS. CUDDLES, AND FOR THIS YOUR HERETICAL FRIEND WILL BE PURGED OF CHAOS VIA HUGS AND CUDDLES AND PETTING AND PROPER TRAINING.
No. 185581
[X] YOU ARE ACCEPTABLY SORRY, MS. CUDDLES, AND FOR THIS YOUR HERETICAL FRIEND WILL BE PURGED OF CHAOS VIA HUGS AND CUDDLES AND PETTING AND PROPER TRAINING.

SHE IS TOO CUDDLY TO STAY MAD AT.
No. 185590
[X] YOU ARE ACCEPTABLY SORRY, MS. CUDDLES, AND FOR THIS YOUR HERETICAL FRIEND WILL BE PURGED OF CHAOS VIA HUGS AND CUDDLES AND PETTING AND PROPER TRAINING.

WE SHALL MAKE A MONTAGE OUT OF THE TRAINING, THE ACCOMPANYING SONG WILL BE CALLED "FUCKINGCUNTIAMSOEMPRAHDAMNEDANGRYICOULDSKULLFUCKAWRAITHKNIGHT!!!" AND IT SHALL BE IN THE KEY OF "FUCKYOUWITHACHAINRAKE".

IT WILL BE SO GODDAMN NON-HERETICAL THE EMPEROR WILL CRY A TEAR OF JOY AT HOW FUCKING GREAT IT IS!
No. 185593
[X] YOU ARE ACCEPTABLY SORRY, MS. CUDDLES, AND FOR THIS YOUR HERETICAL FRIEND WILL BE PURGED OF CHAOS VIA HUGS AND CUDDLES AND PETTING AND PROPER TRAINING.

SHE CAN'T DIE IN A PIT OF LAVA UNTIL WE GAVE HER PERMISSION TO DO SO.
No. 185596
[X] YOU HAVE NOT YET ACHIEVED ACCEPTABLE LEVELS OF SORRY. SORRY HARDER.
-[X] Assist MS. CUDDLES after she achieves APEX SORRY.
[X] PROCEED TO THROW THE LASER CROW BITCH INTO THE NUCLEAR FIRE ANYWAY.

Ms. Cuddles must learn that betrayal is UNFORGIVABLE and that there SHALL BE CONSEQUENCES
No. 185598
[X] YOU HAVE NOT YET ACHIEVED ACCEPTABLE LEVELS OF SORRY. SORRY HARDER.
-[X] Assist MS. CUDDLES after she achieves APEX SORRY.
[X] PROCEED TO THROW THE LASER CROW BITCH INTO THE NUCLEAR FIRE ANYWAY.
BETRAYAL is HERESY. HERESY begets RETRIBUTION
No. 185600
[X] YOU ARE ACCEPTABLY SORRY, MS. CUDDLES, AND FOR THIS YOUR HERETICAL FRIEND WILL BE PURGED OF CHAOS VIA HUGS AND CUDDLES AND PETTING AND PROPER TRAINING.

PURGE THE UNCLEAN UNTIL THEY LIKE IT
No. 185602
YEAH YOU KNOW WHAT THIS WASN'T EVEN REALLY A CONTEST, WITH THE EXCEPTION OF SOME BRAVE TIDE-PISSERS. TIME TO PICK UP A FUKKEN HERETIC CROW.

>>185564

YES, I ALSO ENJOY THAT PART.

>>185565

TO FUCK ALL THE SHIT UP, OF COURSE.

OKAY THERE'S ALSO THE PARTS ABOUT PROTECTING THE IMPERIUM AND SERVING THE EMPEROR'S WILL AND DEALING WITH HERESY, BUT THOSE INVOLVE SHIT BEING FUCKED UP ANYWAY, SO IT ALL ENDS UP THE SAME.

>>185567
>>185568
>>185571
>>185577
>>185590
>>185593
>>185600

FUCK YEAH, GET INTO THE SPIRIT OF THINGS, THAT'S THE WAY I MOTHERFUCKING LIKE IT.

>>185596
>>185598

YOU TWO ASSHOLES ARE ALL RIGHT IN MY BOOK OF ALL RIGHT ASSHOLES.
No. 185604
File 144704437999.jpg - (261.95KB, 936x720, THESE LITTLE FAGGOTS AND THEIR STUPID FACES.jpg) [iqdb]
185604
Looking down at the TRAITOROUS PET begging for help, you feel that she is displaying ALMOST ACCEPTABLE levels of REMORSE for what crimes she has committed against HIS HOLINESS. ALMOST.

“ARE YOU REALLY SORRY?” you ask, glowering down at her with the threat of a RIGHTEOUS ANNIHILATION not implied so much as BELLOWED for the UNIVERSE to hear.

“Yes!” she says, PANIC ESCALATING.

“REAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLY?”

“Yes!” She is STARTING TO CRY.

“I DON'T THINK YOU'RE SORRY ENOUGH.”

Okay, now she IS crying. “I am!”

You fold your arms. “ABOUT WHAT.”

“About throwing things at you and saying you weren't my friend and siding with Okuu over you and I can't hold her up much longer help me!

You consider pressing it further, but that's about as much TEARFUL CONTRITION as you could hope for, so you pat her head. “THAT'LL DO, FAGGOT. THAT'LL DO.”

That said, you reach down, grabbing Okuu's CONCRETE LEG, and EASILY HAUL the TERRIBLE HERETIC up. You briefly consider throwing her back into the fire as an ABJECT LESSON to Ms. Cuddles on BETRAYAL and why you should NOT DO THAT SHIT, especially when an Angry Marine is concerned, but decide this may be COUNTER-PRODUCTIVE to your goal of giving this witch THE EMPEROR'S GUIDANCE. This is much worse than THE EMPEROR'S MERCY because you do not get to slay the receiver, and instead have to TEACH THEM PROPERLY about why what they did is ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY HERETICAL.

There has not been a single successful case of THE EMPEROR'S GUIDANCE being delivered in your Chapter's lifetime, mostly because it's something you just MADE UP ON THE SPOT, but you are going to MAKE HISTORY for the sake of MAXIMUM FLUFFINESS, and FUCK EVERYBODY who has a problem with it.

You deposit the witch besides Ms. Cuddles, who immediately lays her head in her lap and gives her a LIGHT SLAPPING to wake her up. “Okuu! Okuu, talk to me!”

“HOUARGHABLURGH,” Okuu says, flailing in a WEAK and USELESS manner. “OW MY FACE, MY ENTIRE FACE, ALL OF IT, OW.”

Your cat HUGS HER and CRIES OBNOXIOUSLY LOUDLY. “Waaaaaah, Okuu, I thought you were gonna dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

“ORIIIIIIIIIN,” Okuu howls, “STOP TOUCHING MY FACE, ALL IS PAIN, AAAAAAAA-”

“OH MY EMPEROR,” you say, “SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I SHOVE MY BOOTS UP YOUR ANUSES AND USE YOU AS SLIPPERS.”

They, indeed, SHUT THE FUCK UP, which just goes to show how AWESOME an owner you are to make a CAT and a CROW listen to you within moments of coming under your command.

“ARE YOU DONE? GOOD.” You gesture at the FIRES BELOW. “FIRST, WHAT WOULD IT TAKE TO MAKE THIS FURNACE BLOW UP.”

Okuu -no, she's your PET now, her new name is MS. SUNSHINE- squints blearily at you. “Uh... me?”

“FUCK YEAH, DO IT.”

“We'd all die.”

“FUCK.” You would PUNCH A WALL, but that would require traversing a floor FAR TOO NARROW for your liking to reach one.

“It can also just shut down on its own,” Ms. Sunshine hastily adds, before you decide to punt her head off instead. “I just have to leave it alone for a while.”

“BUT THAT MEANS NO EXPLOSIONS, GODDAMMIT,” you snap. Still, if it means you get to live to KICK MORE ASS, then you will just have to DEAL WITH IT. “FUCK. FINE, OKAY, I GUESS WE'RE NOT BLOWING THIS PLACE UP.”

“Good!” says Ms. Sunshine, the sentiment echoed by eager nodding from Ms. Cuddles.

“INSTEAD,” you say, “YOU ARE GUILTY OF TERRIBLE HERESY, AND I AM GOING TO PURGE IT FROM YOU BY THE POWER OF CLAIMING YOU AS MY NEW PET.”

“But- but Lady Satori's already-” she starts, before you thrust a GIANT MIDDLE FINGER into her FOREHEAD.

“LADY SATORI AIN'T ME YOU COCKSUCKER,” you say, leaving an indentation of your MIGHTY DIGIT in her skull. “SPEAKING OF, WHO IS SHE AND WHAT DOES SHE KNOW.”

Ms. Sunshine feels up her LATEST MARK with the smile of one who has TRANSCENDED AGONY. “Everything!” she says. “She's really, really smart, and she gives out really nice head-rubs-”

“THE FUCK SHE DOES A BETTER JOB THAN I DO,” you boom, voice reverberating throughout the furnace like PRECISELY ONE THOUSAND power fists just hit the walls at once, before grabbing her ENTIRE HEAD. “ISN'T THIS THE BEST FUCKING HEAD-RUB YOU'VE EVER HAD IN YOUR LIFE?” you ask, RANDOMLY JERKING your hand around.

“MMMF,” she says.

You NOD DECISIVELY. “FUCK YEAH IT IS, YOU SMART LITTLE SHIT.”

You let go, and Okuu is SO OVERWHELMED by the POWER of your PETTING TECHNIQUE that you KNOCKED HER THE FUCK OUT.

“NOW, HERE'S WHAT WE'LL DO,” you say, before the conscious one gets any RETARD IDEAS like PROTESTING YOUR DECISIONS.
__________

[X] You must FIND THIS SATORI before she SUSPECTS ANYTHING WRONG and give her the ATOMIC WEDGIE of PET TRANSFERAL. Only then will your ownership be complete.

[X] First you must ESTABLISH how THE EMPEROR IS FUCK-AWESOME and why Ms. Cuddles and Ms. Sunshine should be praising him ALL DAY ERRY DAY.
No. 185605
[X] You must FIND THIS SATORI before she SUSPECTS ANYTHING WRONG and give her the ATOMIC WEDGIE of PET TRANSFERAL. Only then will your ownership be complete.

AND WHILE ON THE WAY,
[X] ESTABLISH how THE EMPEROR IS FUCK-AWESOME and why Ms. Cuddles and Ms. Sunshine should be praising him ALL DAY ERRY DAY.

TWO MUTIES WITH ONE POWA-FIST, PERFECT LOGIC.
No. 185606
[X] You must FIND THIS SATORI before she SUSPECTS ANYTHING WRONG and give her the ATOMIC WEDGIE of PET TRANSFERAL. Only then will your ownership be complete.

AND WHILE ON THE WAY,
[X] ESTABLISH how THE EMPEROR IS FUCK-AWESOME and why Ms. Cuddles and Ms. Sunshine should be praising him ALL DAY ERRY DAY.

GOING IDORT ALL THE TIME BECAUSE IT IS THE NON-PUSSY WAY.
No. 185607
[X] First you must ESTABLISH how THE EMPEROR IS FUCK-AWESOME and why Ms. Cuddles and Ms. Sunshine should be praising him ALL DAY ERRY DAY.
I think we need to personally reeducate every FILTHY HERETIC in fairy-bitch-fantasyland
No. 185608
[X] You must FIND THIS SATORI before she SUSPECTS ANYTHING WRONG and give her the ATOMIC WEDGIE of PET TRANSFERAL. Only then will your ownership be complete.

DAMMIT MARINE WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING BASED

I mean, all spaces marines are based by virtue of being badasses BUT YOU'RE A BADASS THAT STILL TAKES TIME TO CARE AND PET HIS NEW PETS IN HIS OWN SPECIAL WAY AND I THINK THAT'S PRETTY COOL OF HIM AND STUFF
No. 185610
[X] First you must ESTABLISH how THE EMPEROR IS FUCK-AWESOME and why Ms. Cuddles and Ms. Sunshine should be praising him ALL DAY ERRY DAY.

THE IMPERIAL CREED MUST BE SPREAD.
No. 185615
[X] You must FIND THIS SATORI before she SUSPECTS ANYTHING WRONG and give her the ATOMIC WEDGIE of PET TRANSFERAL. Only then will your ownership be complete.
No. 185617
[X] You must FIND THIS SATORI before she SUSPECTS ANYTHING WRONG and give her the ATOMIC WEDGIE of PET TRANSFERAL. Only then will your ownership be complete.

AND WHILE ON THE WAY,
[X] ESTABLISH how THE EMPEROR IS FUCK-AWESOME and why Ms. Cuddles and Ms. Sunshine should be praising him ALL DAY ERRY DAY.

WWAHT? ARE YOU SOME KIND OF FUCKING PUSSY!? YOU WANT US TO CHOSE ONE OPTION!?

NOT FUCKING LIKELY, CANTANKEROUS HEATHEN FAGGOT!!!!
No. 185619
[x] ESTABLISH WHY THE EMPEROR IS AWESOME

YOU FUCKTARDS THINK YOU CAN TEACH ALL ABOUT THE EMPEROR DURING A FIVE MINUTES WALK?
THINK AGAIN
No. 185633
[X] First you must ESTABLISH how THE EMPEROR IS FUCK-AWESOME and why Ms. Cuddles and Ms. Sunshine should be praising him ALL DAY ERRY DAY.

Putting pets no matter adorable before THE GOD EMPEROR OF MANKIND is BLASPHEMY.
No. 185634
[X] First you must ESTABLISH how THE EMPEROR IS FUCK-AWESOME and why Ms. Cuddles and Ms. Sunshine should be praising him ALL DAY ERRY DAY.

JUST A REMINDER THAT EXCLAMATION MARKS AT THE END OF ALL CAPS LOOKS FUCKING TERRIBLE EXCEPT IN DIALOGUE
No. 185635
SHIT UH I AM NOT SURE IF I CAN MAKE THIS DEADLINE BUT VOTE CALLED FOR GOING FOR SATORI WHILE EDUCATING RETARD ANIMALS
No. 185636
File 144713440528.png - (419.63KB, 600x681, DOES SHE HAVE BRAIN PROBLEMS.png) [iqdb]
185636
WOW FUCK THAT WAS SOME OF MY FASTEST WRITING TO GET THIS DONE IN AN HOUR, BUT A SIDE-EFFECT IS THAT THIS IS MOSTLY DIALOGUE BECAUSE DESCRIPTIONS ARE TIME-CONSUMING MOTHERFUCKERS

ENJOY ANYWAY
__________

“YOU LITTLE FUCKS NEED TO LEARN ABOUT THE EMPEROR,” you say. “BUT I ALSO NEED TO MEET THIS SATORI AND TELL HER ABOUT THIS CHANGE IN PET-OWNERSHIP.”

“How're you gonna do that?” asks Cuddles (she does not need the Ms. ALL THE TIME because you feel like you know her VERY WELL and you are not a FORMAL SON OF A BITCH).

“WITH A WEDGIE, YOU DENSE MOTHERFUCKER, WHAT ELSE?” You will also scribble OWNED across her forehead with a marker but that is supposed to be a surprise. “BUT LET'S GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BECAUSE I AM PRETTY SURE THIS FLOOR WILL GIVE WAY IN LIKE TEN SECONDS.”

Indeed, the GRATE FLOOR is basically a series of VERY THIN WALKWAYS at this point. Hardly appropriate territory to talk about how TOTALLY RADICAL the EMPEROR is.

“ALSO YOU NEVER TOLD ME WHO THIS SATORI SHIT WAS, WHICH MEANT I HAD TO FIGURE OUT SHE WAS YOUR PREVIOUS OWNER THROUGH IMPLICATIONS INSTEAD OF SIMPLY HAVING YOU TELL ME. I CONSIDER THIS A FUCKUP.”

Cuddles blanches. “Oh.”

You raise a finger. “BUT I AM A GENEROUS MASTER, AND AS SUCH I WILL NOT WRECK YOUR SHIT FOR IT. NOW, BEFORE YOU GET ON MY HUGE SHOULDER, HOLD UP.”

Ms. Sunshine is STILL UNCONSCIOUS from your HEAVY PETTING (NOT LIKE THAT YOU TARD), so you pick her up by the scruff of her cape and throw her OVER YOUR SHOULDER. Cuddles VERY RELUCTANTLY takes her cue to hop on your other pauldron.

All is right with the world. “NOW LET'S BAIL ON THIS JOINT.”

-----

“BACK TO HELL,” you say, stomping through the hellscape and PUNCHING OUT any flying skulls that decide to pick a fight. “NOW WHO WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT THE EMPEROR?”

Ms. Cuddles opens her mouth.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU DON'T GET A CHOICE.”

Ms. Cuddles closes her mouth.

“GOOD. NOW THE GOD-EMPEROR OF MANKIND, SEE, IS THE BIGGEST SHITKICKER IN ALL HUMANITY. DO YOU WORSHIP ANY GODS?”

“Uh, we have some around?” Cuddles says.

“FUCK 'EM, THEY'RE NOT THE EMPEROR. BUT HE IS A PRETTY EASY DUDE TO PLEASE, SO IF YOU DO WORSHIP A GOD THAT ISN'T HIM, YOU CAN PRETTY MUCH JUST KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING EXCEPT YOUR PRAYERS GO TO HIM INSTEAD.”

“That doesn't-”

“IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE YOU IDIOT DON'T INTERRUPT ME. NOW THE EMPRAH, SEE, IS A PRETTY COOL GUY. HE SITS ON HIS GOLDEN THRONE AND ISN'T AFRAID OF ANYTHING, AND EVEN NOW HE IS WATCHING ME TEACH YOU ABOUT HIM.”

Ms. Cuddles VALIANTLY and STUPIDLY tries again. “But we're-”

“EMPEROR-VISION DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK IF YOU'RE UNDERGROUND, SHITBIRD.” Wait fuck you said that to Cuddles instead of Sunshine FUCK. “AND WORRY NOT, FAGLORDS, EVEN MUTANTS LIKE YOURSELVES HAVE A PLACE IN THE EMPEROR'S EYES. PRAISE HIS NAME AND HE WILL HAVE MERCY ON YOU POOR, LOST SOULS WHO WERE RETARDED ENOUGH TO BE BORN IMPURE.”

“Ooh, are we talking gods now?” says Ms. Sunshine, apparently AWAKE and all CHIPPER like she hadn't been committing HERESY MOST FOUL just a little while ago. “But one threw up snakes all over me and the other jumped on my head. I didn't really like them.”

“I WILL GIVE THEM TWO CASES OF ANAL PROLAPSE.” You pause. “BECAUSE I WILL SHOVE MY HANDS UP THEIR ASSHOLES AND RIP OUT WHATEVER PASSES FOR A GODLY INTESTINAL TRACT.”

“Ew.”

You have pretty much covered the SHORT VERSION of the IMPERIAL CREED, which means you have your OTHER OBJECTIVE to deal with. “SO OKAY I AM GOING TO ASK YOU SOMETHING. CAN YOU SHOW ME WHERE THIS SATORI IS.”

“At home!” Sunshine cheerily volunteers.

“YES I FIGURED, BUT WHAT I MEANT WAS LEAD ME THERE.

“Oh.” She blinks. “Okay!”

----------

“HOLY SHITTING ANUSES, KIDS,” you say, this TUNNEL SYSTEM going on FOREVER. “HOW FAR IS THIS PLACE WE'RE GOING TO?”

“Just take a right,” Cuddles says, which you do, and emerge from the CRAMPED TUNNEL into OPEN AIR and WHOA SHIT.

“YOU LIVE IN A CASTLE.”

“Yes,” Cuddles says, all SMUG.

“WOW.” This place has PROPER STONEWORK instead of PAPER WALLS, which means the people who built it HAVE THEIR SHIT TOGETHER. The STAINED-GLASS WINDOWS are a NICE TOUCH too. In fact, there is a CITY with all its buildings also made of STONE, and it is full of TINY PEOPLE.

THESE DUDES KNOW WHAT'S WHAT.

Anyway, admiration of proper DEFENSIVE STRUCTURES aside, you first have a visit with LADY SATORI to arrange.
__________

CHOOSE YOUR ENTRY POINT

[X] FRONT DOOR MOTHERFUCKERS

[X] NO ONE EVER EXPECTS A MARINE THROUGH THE WINDOW

[X] STRIKE FROM THE SKYLIGHTS, BROTHER
No. 185637
[X] NO ONE EVER EXPECTS A MARINE THROUGH THE WINDOW
-[X] BREAK EVERY OTHER WINDOW AS WELL

FUCK WINDOWS
No. 185638
[x]Knock politely on the front door.
-[X]THEN JUMP THROUGH THE WINDOW, BECAUSE TWICE THE DECEPTION WILL FOOL ANY MOTHERFUCKER
No. 185639
[X] KNOCK ON THE FRONT DOOR
- [X] THEN PROCEED TO RUSH UP TO THE SKYLIGHTS WHILE BREAKING EVERY WINDOW YOU PASS.
-[X] BREAK THE SKYLIGHTS AND THROW A SMOKE GRENADE OR WHATEVER EQUIVALENT BADASS ENTRY PROP YOU HAVE.
-[X] DON'T JUMP THROUGH THE SKYLIGHTS BUT INSTEAD GO BACK DOWN AND ENTER THROUGH A WALL
-[X] "ALL RIGHT, FAGGOTS. IT'S TIME TO LEARN ABOUT OUR LORD AND SAVIOR THE EMPRAH."

THIS SATORI WILL BE IMMENSELY CONFUSED AT WHAT WE ARE DOING. JUST AS PLANNED.
No. 185640
>>185639
I THINK WE CAN BE MORE DECEPTIVE THAN THAT
[X]KNOCK ON FRONT DOOR
-[X]THEN RUSH TO ROOF, BREAKING EVERY WINDOW
-[X]SHATTER EVERY SKYLIGHT WITH SMOKE
-[X]GO BACK DOWN AND KICK IN THE FRONT DOOR
-[X]THEN GO TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HOUSE AND SMASH THROUGH A WALL
-[X]THEN SMASH THROUGH ANOTHER WALL TO LEAVE
-[X]GO BACK TO THE ROOF, MOPPING UP AND WINDOWS THAT WERE MISSED, AND JUMP THROUGH A SKYLIGHT
No. 185650
[x]Knock politely on the front door.
-[X]THEN JUMP THROUGH THE WINDOW, BECAUSE TWICE THE DECEPTION WILL FOOL ANY MOTHERFUCKER
No. 185651
[x]Knock politely on the front door.
-[X]THEN JUMP THROUGH THE WINDOW, BECAUSE TWICE THE DECEPTION WILL FOOL ANY MOTHERFUCKER
No. 185652
[X]KNOCK ON FRONT DOOR
-[X]THEN RUSH TO ROOF, BREAKING EVERY WINDOW
-[X]SHATTER EVERY SKYLIGHT WITH SMOKE
-[X]GO BACK DOWN AND KICK IN THE FRONT DOOR
-[X]THEN GO TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HOUSE AND SMASH THROUGH A WALL
-[X]THEN SMASH THROUGH ANOTHER WALL TO LEAVE
-[X]GO BACK TO THE ROOF, MOPPING UP AND WINDOWS THAT WERE MISSED, AND JUMP THROUGH A SKYLIGHT

THE CODEX ASTARTES APPROVES OF THIS ACTION.
No. 185654
Guys, guys, guys... You wanna' be the STEALTHIEST MOTHER FUCKER THERE IS!?!?!?

[X] Knock on the front door.
- [X] Introduce yourself and state your business.
- - [X] Carry out said business.
- - - [X] Possibly walk away with a psychic monkey with an eyeball heart thing for a new pet named Peanuts.

TOO FUCKING BAD, WE'RE SPACE MARINES. WE'RE ON AN EMPEROR-DAMNED MISSION TO CONVERT A PLANET NOW, MOTHERFUCKERS. EVERY FAGGOT WILL BE OUR PET, AND THROUGH US, A LOYAL SERVANT OF THE FUCKING EMPRAH
No. 185661
THIS AIN'T ME CLOSING THE VOTE, BUT SHIT FUCK PISS GODDAMMIT I REREAD AND NOTICED A MISSING DIALOGUE FRAGMENT, HERE IT IS IN THE BOLDED BIT

>“Ooh, are we talking gods now?” says Ms. Sunshine, apparently AWAKE and all CHIPPER like she hadn't been committing HERESY MOST FOUL just a little while ago. “I met a pair once! But one threw up snakes all over me and the other jumped on my head. I didn't really like them.”<

FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK MISSING THAT PISSES ME OFF
No. 185665
[X] FRONT DOOR MOTHERFUCKERS
No. 185666
[X] FRONT DOOR MOTHERFUCKERS

'KNOCK KNOCK'

'WHO'S THERE?'

'MEL'

'MEL WHO?'

'MELTA GUN MOTHERFUCKER'
No. 185669
[X] FRONT DOOR MOTHERFUCKERS
FUCK NOT HAVING MANNERS, BECAUSE FUCK FUCKERS WITH NO MANNERS.
No. 185675
[x]Knock politely on the front door.
-[X]THEN JUMP THROUGH THE WINDOW, BECAUSE TWICE THE DECEPTION WILL FOOL ANY MOTHERFUCKER
No. 185678
[X] FRONT DOOR MOTHERFUCKERS

BECAUSE I HAVE AN ADMIRATION FOR GOOD DEFENSIVE STRUCTURES AND OSTENTATIOUS ORNAMENTATION, AND I DON'T WANT TO FUCK THAT SHIT UP.
No. 185679
[X]KNOCK ON FRONT DOOR
-[X]THEN RUSH TO ROOF, BREAKING EVERY WINDOW
-[X]SHATTER EVERY SKYLIGHT WITH SMOKE
-[X]GO BACK DOWN AND KICK IN THE FRONT DOOR
-[X]THEN GO TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HOUSE AND SMASH THROUGH A WALL
-[X]THEN SMASH THROUGH ANOTHER WALL TO LEAVE
-[X]GO BACK TO THE ROOF, MOPPING UP AND WINDOWS THAT WERE MISSED, AND JUMP THROUGH A SKYLIGHT
No. 185682
[X] FRONT DOOR MOTHERFUCKERS

OUR CHAPLAIN GAVE US MANNERS AND THAT PLACE LOOKS PRETTY NICE, WE SHOULD TAKE IT AS WELL AS THE PETS.
No. 185686
ALL RIGHT, FRONT DOOR TAKES IT BARELY AT FIVE VOTES TO THE KNOCK THEN JUMP THROUGH A WINDOW PLAN AT FOUR VOTES

DAMN

I WAS REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO THE SECOND OPTION HONESTLY, BUT THEM'S THE BREAKS

ALSO I ONCE AGAIN CANNOT SINGLE OUT ANY ONE VOTE FOR QUALITY BECAUSE YOU ARE ALL SPECTACULAR AT BEING ANGRY MARINES
No. 185687
I MISSED THE VOTING PERIOD BECAUSE TIME ZONES BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW I AM HERE AND STILL READING

BE JOYFUL
No. 185688
>>185687

JOYOUS TIDINGS COMRADE! YOUR ABSENCE WAS SORELY MISSED. I RECOGNIZE EACH AND EVERY ANON BY THEIR UNIQUE POSTING STYLE, AND I MUST SAY I WAS DEARLY LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUR RETURN.
No. 185693
File 144722011181.png - (863.99KB, 946x974, HOLY SHIT IT'S ZOMBIES.png) [iqdb]
185693
So many possibilities run through your mind on how to best make your entrance, and they are all TOTALLY RADICAL and full of PROPERTY DAMAGE and EXPLOSIONS, but they also have one OTHER thing in common: they're all SURPRISINGLY COMPLICATED. Now, this is not necessarily bad, especially because no one ever expects an Angry Marine to do more than charge headfirst at an enemy while calling them faggots, but for your first STORMED BUILDING in this heretical realm, you have to think about the Chapter's image. As such, you're going to fall back on a classic.

You march into the castle's courtyard, which is nice with all sorts of masonry and gargoyles and FITTINGLY GOTHIC ARCHITECTURE, which reminds you more and more of good old IMPERIAL CRAFTSMANSHIP. Whatever heresies this place may hold, at least its architect knew what the fuck he was doing.

“Are you gonna knock?” Sunshine asks, now seated facing forward and idly kicking her feet back and forth.

“YES.”

“Really?” Cuddles asks.

“REALLY. BUT FIRST GET OFF.” You reach up, grab your pets' shirts, and deposit them on the ground. “SHIT'S ABOUT TO GET REAL.”

“What wait stop-” Cuddles starts, and then you RUN THROUGH the WOODEN CASTLE DOORS.

Once the splinters stop falling, you end up inside a LOBBY, which has some NICE TILED FLOORS that're all FANCY and REFLECTIVE, with MURALS on the walls about SHIT YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT because the room is full of- “GAH FUCK ZOMBIES.”

Indeed, there are WINGED ZOMBIE GIRLS flying around dressed in MAID UNIFORMS. You knew NURGLE was a SICK BASTARD, but this is some real FETISHY SHIT going on here. They start crowding around your HUGE SELF, dozens of them, and they're all CHATTERING EXCITEDLY, no doubt about how they plan to DIVVY UP your BODY PARTS.

“That wasn't knocking!” Cuddles shrieks, stepping through the WRECKED DOORWAY, trailed by a beaming Sunshine who doesn't seem to mind, really. “In what world was that knocking?!”

“MINE,” you reply, every bone in your body QUAKING IN RAGE as you stare down the mob SURROUNDING YOU. “I AM GOING TO DO YOU TWO A SOLID,” you say to your charges, “AND CLEAN THIS PLACE OUT. PRO BONO.”

“Wait, no-” Cuddles says, and then one of the zombies comes up to you and WAVES.

“Hi!” she says, her voice SURPRISINGLY NON-GRAVELLY for one of the MISBEGOTTEN UNDEAD.

“Nonononononono-” Cuddles says, desperately waving her hands in a warning gesture, but it is TOO LATE, for you have already KICKED THE ZOMBIE IN THE HEAD hard enough that she FLIES THROUGH a STONE WALL.

The room is DEADLY QUIET for a brief moment before the air is filled with the SCREAMS of SMALL CHILDREN, which is weird, because these are ZOMBIES and that is not what you USUALLY EXPECT from them. Still, NO MATTER.

“Stop!” Cuddles wails, as you wade into the fleeing crowd and LAY DOWN THE EMPEROR'S WRATH with copious applications of POWER-LIMBS. “Stooooooooop!”

You IGNORE HER; the silly bitch is so INURED to HERESY that she cannot possibly understand why you are PURGING, but educating her on this is just another burden you take upon your HUGE SHOULDERS. It DOES take some of the fun out of things when the zombies just POP INTO DUST when you smite them, however; that's definitely a NEW THING.

About half the crowd is annihilated in the span of maybe eight seconds before Ms. Sunshine FLIES in front of you just as you PICK UP a zombie by the legs and prepare to use her as an improvised BEATER OF MOTHERFUCKERS. “Hold up!”

“WHAT,” you say, your cudgel trying and failing to pry herself loose.

“They're just pretending to be zombies!” Sunshine says, pointing at your beatstick.

“WHAT.”

“They're in costume!”

The ZOMBIE MAID nods frantically. You give her a little shake, studying her TERRIFIED FACE. That is some GOOD MAKEUP, now that you're taking a moment to actually look.

“OH," you say.

This whole situation only serves up the UNPLEASANT REMINDER that you don't really do COSTUME PARTIES anymore, not after the time the Chapter helped a Shrine World with an Ork problem and they held a planet-wide celebration as thanks, with all sorts of SILLY HATS and WEIRD CLOTHES and LOTS OF ALCOHOL, and your whole company went on a PRETTY MAJOR BENDER.

The Chapter isn't welcome in that sub-sector anymore.

ANYWAY, you still have the issue of the mob of NOT-ZOMBIE MUTANT MAIDS who EXPLODE INTO DUST on death, and the PROBLEMATIC REALIZATION that you just fucked up mutants that were ONLY KIND OF HERETICAL.
__________

[X] WELL YA DUN DID GOOFED. LET NO ONE SAY DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS CANNOT REALIZE HIS ERRORS.

[X] YOU'RE ALREADY THIS FAR INTO THE CROWD, AND YOU DON'T HALF-ASS ANYTHING, EVEN CASES OF MISTAKEN PURGES.
No. 185694
[X] WELL YA DUN DID GOOFED. LET NO ONE SAY DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS CANNOT REALIZE HIS ERRORS.

OUR ONE AND ONLY MISTAKE THUS FAR
No. 185695
[X] WELL YA DUN DID GOOFED. LET NO ONE SAY DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS CANNOT REALIZE HIS ERRORS.

A GOOD SERVANT OF THE EMPEROR KNOWS WHEN TO STOP.
No. 185696
[X] WELL YA DUN DID GOOFED. LET NO ONE SAY DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS CANNOT REALIZE HIS ERRORS.

IT WAS ONLY LIKE HALF A MISTAKE IF YOU REALLY THINK ABOUT IT.
No. 185697
[X] WELL YA DUN DID GOOFED. LET NO ONE SAY DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS CANNOT REALIZE HIS ERRORS.
- [X] FOR COMPENSATION YOU'LL ALLOW THEM TO BECOME YOUR TINY ARMY
No. 185699
[X] WELL YA DUN DID GOOFED. LET NO ONE SAY DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS CANNOT REALIZE HIS ERRORS.

HOW COULD YOU EVEN CONSIDER NOT OWNING UP? WHAT ARE YOU, SOME FAGGOT CULT LEADER WHO PREFERS POSSESSION TO ADMITTING FAULT?
No. 185703
[X] WELL YA DUN DID GOOFED. LET NO ONE SAY DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS CANNOT REALIZE HIS ERRORS.
- [X] FOR COMPENSATION YOU'LL ALLOW THEM TO BECOME YOUR TINY ARMY

OUR ARMY SHALL GROW INTO A CUDDLY MASS OF FUCK EVERYTHING
No. 185704
[X] YOU'RE ALREADY THIS FAR INTO THE CROWD, AND YOU DON'T HALF-ASS ANYTHING, EVEN CASES OF MISTAKEN PURGES.

STOPPING A PURGE HALFWAY THROUGH AIN'T THE IMPERIUM STYLE AND YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT, MAGGOTS

ACTUALLY EVEN I DON'T REALLY BELIEVE THAT CRAP BUT SOMEONE HAS TO PISS IN THE TIDE
No. 185705
[X] WELL YA DUN DID GOOFED. LET NO ONE SAY DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS CANNOT REALIZE HIS ERRORS.
- [X] FOR COMPENSATION YOU'LL ALLOW THEM TO BECOME YOUR TINY ARMY.

LET THERE BE TINY MAIDOS OF BATTLE ҉
No. 185707
[X] WELL YA DUN DID GOOFED. LET NO ONE SAY DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS CANNOT REALIZE HIS ERRORS.
- [X] FOR COMPENSATION YOU'LL ALLOW THEM TO BECOME YOUR TINY ARMY.
No. 185710
[X] WELL YA DUN DID GOOFED. LET NO ONE SAY DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS CANNOT REALIZE HIS ERRORS.
No. 185722
File 144725665991.jpg - (135.05KB, 1158x819, this is going to be your life space marine.jpg) [iqdb]
185722
[X] WELL YA DUN DID GOOFED. LET NO ONE SAY DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS CANNOT REALIZE HIS ERRORS.
- [X] FOR COMPENSATION YOU'LL ALLOW THEM TO BECOME YOUR TINY ARMY

WE'RE FUCKING DOING THIS. WE WILL HAVE THE CUTEST ARMY OF BADASSES IN HISTORY.

Pic RELATED
No. 185726
[X] WELL YA DUN DID GOOFED. LET NO ONE SAY DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS CANNOT REALIZE HIS ERRORS.
- [X] FOR COMPENSATION YOU'LL ALLOW THEM TO BECOME YOUR TINY ARMY
No. 185727
[X] WELL YA DUN DID GOOFED. LET NO ONE SAY DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS CANNOT REALIZE HIS ERRORS.
No. 185729
>>185694
I'd like to add:
- [X] FOR COMPENSATION YOU'LL ALLOW THEM TO BECOME YOUR TINY ARMY.

To my vote.

Nothing screams 'unquenchable fury' quite like a fairy army.
No. 185731
[X] WELL YA DUN DID GOOFED. LET NO ONE SAY DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS CANNOT REALIZE HIS ERRORS.
No. 185732
[X] WELL YA DUN DID GOOFED. LET NO ONE SAY DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS CANNOT REALIZE HIS ERRORS.
- [X] FOR COMPENSATION YOU'LL ALLOW THEM TO BECOME YOUR TINY ARMY.

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY IN THE EMPRAH'S NAME THEY WOULD EVER AGREE TO THIS THOUGH. I HOPE TO BE SURPRISED.
No. 185733
File 144730717711.jpg - (282.69KB, 566x800, YOU HAVE MINIONS NOW.jpg) [iqdb]
185733
“WELL SHIT,” you say, and let go of your NOT-A-ZOMBIE. She hits the floor with her face. “I DID DUN DIDDLY GOOFED.”

“Yup!” Sunshine says, UNSETTLINGLY UNBOTHERED by your GRATUITOUS RAMPAGE.

The surviving NOT-ZOMBIES start edging away while they think you're distracted, but you're not having any of that shit. “HOLD THE FUCK UP.”

They HOLD THE FUCK UP. GOOD.

The one at your feet coughs. “Um.”

“WHAT BRAND OF TERRIBLE MUTANTS ARE YOU TINY BITCHES?” you ask of her.

“We're, uh, we're fairies?” she says, her FEARFUL CRINGING a pleasing sight, for it means she KNOWS HER PLACE.

“OKAY GOOD,” you say, reaching down to grab her shirt. She yelps as you HAUL HER BACK UP to look you in the eyes. “TO MAKE UP FOR MY HEINOUS ERROR IN BEATING ALL OF YOU UP, I WILL ALLOW EVERYONE TO JOIN ME IN MY QUEST. BE HONORED.”

“What if I don't wanna go?” she tremulously suggests, and you LAUGH and LAUGH and LAUGH in her FACE. She eventually joins in with SHAKY LAUGHTER of her own, and so does EVERYONE ELSE.

“THAT'S A GOOD JOKE,” you say, after you're done expressing your GREAT MIRTH. “JUST FOR THAT, YOU GET TO BE MY THIRD IN COMMAND AFTER MISSES CUDDLES AND SUNSHINE.”

“Which would be great if we actually got a say in things,” says Cuddles, her BITING SARCASM hitting your FEELINGS and doing NO DAMAGE, because your FEELINGS are INCREDIBLY RESILIENT.

“WHAT'S YOUR NAME, ASSHOLE?” you ask, shaking the fairy around. “SERIOUSLY HURRY UP I'VE GOT SHIT TO DO.”

“S-Sachiko!” she manages, and with a NAME comes ACTUAL IMPORTANCE, so you take a moment to actually LOOK AT HER. She has PALLID, ZOMBIE-ISH SKIN, a SHINING HALO (this close you can see the LITTLE WIRE holding it up), shoulder-length BLACK HAIR, eyes that are ALSO BLACK, (or at least a DARK CHOCOLATEY BROWN), a TINY NOSE, little WHITE WINGS, and a TORN BLACK-WHITE MAID OUTFIT.

“I HAVE BURNED YOUR APPEARANCE INTO MY RETINAS,” you say, and set her on her feet. “REJOICE. NOW ALL OF YOU COCKGOBBLERS LINE UP IN FORMATION OR I'LL STEP ON YOU.”

Perhaps fearing a repeat of the FIRST TIME you rampaged through them, the FAIRY MOB lines up in three ORDERLY ROWS; there's only like FIFTEEN of them left after the previous incident, but that's FIFTEEN MORE than when you started.

From the sidelines, Ms. Cuddles and Ms. Sunshine watch in AMAZEMENT and GREAT ENJOYMENT, respectively, at your FAIRY WRANGLING.

“OKAY, FAGGOTS,” you say in your best DRILL INSTRUCTOR voice, which is your REGULAR SPEAKING VOICE but a BIT LOUDER. “NOW THAT YOU ARE IN FORMATION, YOU NEED TO KNOW WHO YOUR LEADER IS. THAT IS ME.” You jam a thumb into your chest. “I AM BATTLE-BROTHER DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS, BUT TO YOU, I AM THE GOD-EMPEROR'S LIVING FUCKING WILL. YOU WILL OBEY ME OR I WILL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU, AND THEN YOU WILL OBEY ME ANYWAY. IS THAT UNDERSTOOD, FUCKNUGGETS?”

There is a smattering of TERRIFIED AFFIRMATIONS and one enthusiastic yell of “SIR YES SIR!” from the back.

You finger the fairy in question. “SHE IS THE ONLY ONE OF YOU WHO ISN'T A FUCKING DISGRACE. EMULATE HER. NOW I WANT TO FUCKING HEAR YOU THIS TIME WHEN YOU ANSWER THIS QUESTION; WHO IS THE BOSS?”

“You are!” they say, with varying degrees of enthusiasm.

“WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY ABOUT BEING ABLE TO HEAR YOU?”

“YOU ARE!” they shout, but there is room for improvement.

You demonstratively stomp the floor hard enough to sink HALF YOUR FOOT into it. “DO IT LOUDER OR THE NEXT TIME IT'S GONNA BE YOU UNDER MY BOOT.”

“YOU ARE!” they all scream, shrill voices bouncing through the lobby, and out of the corner of your eye you see Cuddles covering her ears.

“THIS IS ACCEPTABLE, CUNTS,” you declare, folding your hands behind your back. “NOW, YOU ARE GOING TO FOLLOW ME UNTIL YOU DIE, OR I AM GOING TO KILL YOU. IS THIS UNDERSTOOD?”

“YES, SIR!” They are REALLY getting into it, and this fills you with PRIDE.

“NOW, YOU MINUSCULE RETARDS, WE HAVE OFFICIALLY REACHED ENOUGH PEOPLE THAT WE NEED A NAME, SO PEOPLE WILL KNOW WHO IS FUCKING THEM UP WHEN WE ARRIVE.” You hold up a hand to ward off suggestions. “I HAVE DECIDED ON SOMETHING ALREADY.”
__________

[X] THE SHITKICKER BRIGADE

[X] SKULLFUCKERS SUPREME

[X] ASSHOLE ANNIHILATORS

[X] THESE ARE ALL HOT GARBAGE COME UP WITH SOMETHING BETTER
No. 185734
[X] THESE ARE ALL HOT GARBAGE COME UP WITH SOMETHING BETTER
GOREMAX BLOODFUCKERS
No. 185735
[X] THE SHITKICKER BRIGADE
>>185734
That name sounds awfuly like something a HERETICAL khorne cultist would call call themself. Do you DARE to WORSHIP A GOD BESIDES THE EMPEROR, because if so I would be DELIGHTED to EDUCATE you in exacting detail about what we do to such HERETICS AND TRAITORS.
No. 185736
[X]YESWEDO LIFTIMUS
No. 185740
[X]YESWEDO LIFTIMUS

THIS IS A GOOD BANDWAGON AND I'M JUMPING ON IT.

WE NEED A DITTY, FOR WHEN WE MAKE THE FAIRIES MARCH IN STEP BEHIND US.

SOMEONE MAKE A DITTY.
No. 185741
[X]YESWEDO LIFTIMUS
No. 185744
[x] YESWEDO LIFTIMUS

THE EMPRAH AS OUR WITNESS WE SHALL PURGE ALL HERESY FROM THIS HELL!
No. 185748
[X]YESWEDO LIFTIMUS

YES WE BANDWAGONMUS
No. 185749
[x] YESWEDO LIFTIMUS
No. 185751
[x] YESWEDO LIFTIMUS
No. 185753
File 144733994353.jpg - (472.60KB, 2003x1240, touhou fairy brigade.jpg) [iqdb]
185753
[X]YESWEDO LIFTIMUS

ALRIGHT FAGGOTS, MARCH!

MY LAST NAME IS LIFT-IH-MUS
HIS LAST NAME IS LIFT-IH-MUS
AND I'M GONNA' FUCK YOU UP
AND HE'S GONNA' FUCK YOU UP
DO YOU LIFT-IH-MUS?
YES SIR, WE DO LIFT-IH-MUS,
ALRIGHT, MEN NOW FUCK THEM UP
SIR, YES SIR WE'LL FUCK THEM UP

SOUND OFF
ONE, TWO
SOUND OFF
THREE, FOUR
No. 185754
>>185753

DO YOU EVEN LIFTIMUS
CUM-GUZZLING BUCKETS OF SHIT-COCK I FUCKED IT UP
No. 185756
[X] CORPSE EMPEROR'S CHEERLEADERS

THEY'LL ALL BE CONSUMED BY THE RISING STORM
No. 185761
>>185753
You know what? FUCK THIS.

>>185756
This shit's WAY better.
No. 185765
>>185761
[X] CORPSE EMPEROR'S CHEERLEADERS

Shit, that was supposed to be a vote change. Today is not my day.
No. 185773
[x] YESWEDO LIFTIMUS
No. 185778
[x] ALL THE GOOD PARTS OF ALL THIS SHIT

I CAN'T CHOOSE GODDAMMIT
No. 185781
File 144739410339.jpg - (190.42KB, 1024x1242, THE FUCK YOU LOOKING AT.jpg) [iqdb]
185781
I GOTTA STOP PUTTING THIS SHIT OFF TO THE LAST MINUTE
__________

“YESWEDO LIFTIMUS,” you declare, “IS WHAT I WANT PEOPLE TO HEAR FROM YOU WHEN PEOPLE ASK 'DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS?'” Now it may be SOMEWHAT ARROGANT to name an entire SQUAD after yourself, but you are (far as you know) the ONLY representative of the Emperor's will in this literal hellhole, so FUCK IT. “I EVEN HAVE A DITTY. DO YOU SHITS KNOW WHAT A DITTY IS?”

“Yeah!” they shout, still REALLY INTO IT.

“GOOD! ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS REPEAT AFTER ME, FAGGOTS. NOW MARCH!

You lead the formation as you march around the lobby, belting out the lyrics to your NEW HIT TUNE.

“MY LAST NAME IS LIFT-IH-MUS
MY LAST NAME IS LIFT-IH-MUS-


You stop, and fairies run into your legs. “NO, YOU STUPID SHITS, YOU ADDRESS ME ON YOUR VERSES, FUCK.”

They look EMBARRASSED. “Sorry, sir!”

“I DON'T FUCKING CARE HOW SORRY YOU ARE, WE'RE STARTING OVER.”

Fists clenched, you begin marching ONCE MORE.

“MY LAST NAME IS LIFT-IH-MUS
HIS LAST NAME IS LIFT-IH-MUS-
AND I'M GONNA FUCK YOU UP
AND HE'S GONNA FUCK YOU UP
DO YOU EVEN LIFT-IH-MUS?
YES SIR, WE DO EVEN LIFT-IH-MUS,
ALRIGHT, MEN NOW FUCK THEM UP
SIR, YES SIR WE'LL FUCK THEM UP”

“SOUND OFF
SOUND OFF”


“FUCKING HELL NO YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY ONE, TWO!” you bellow, BARELY RESTRAINING the urge to BEAT THEM with EACH OTHER. “THEN THREE, FOUR WHEN I SAY IT AGAIN! DO YOU HAVE BRAIN PROBLEMS?”

“Sir, no, sir!” they shout, EDGING AWAY from you.

“YOU'D BETTER NOT OR YOU'RE GETTING PURGED BY REASON OF MENTAL DEFECT. AGAIN!”

You take a deep, deep breath, because if they fuck this up ONE MORE TIME you are going to SLAUGHTER THE WHOLE LOT.

“SOUND OFF
ONE, TWO
SOUND OFF
THREE, FOUR”


“THAT'S MORE FUCKING LIKE IT!” you say, the RAGE ebbing by a TINY AMOUNT. “AGAIN!”

They may stumble over the chant a few times, but after maybe five loops around the lobby they've GOT IT, by the EMPEROR. Sure, your last name may actually be Evenliftimus, but that doesn't flow well at all, and you gotta make your lyrics SMOOTH, bitch.

Once you bring everyone back into PARADE REST, you face them, hands ONCE MORE folded behind your back.

“THAT WAS INCREDIBLY TERRIBLE,” you say, “BUT WE ARE ON A TIME LIMIT SO I WILL LET IT SLIDE FOR NOW. MORE IMPORTANT; WHERE IS SATORI?”

“Well, it's almost dinner-time!” volunteers Sunshine from the sidelines, BEAMING like her NAMESAKE. “I'm sure she'd be at the dining hall!”

“THEN WE'RE CRASHING DINNER, ASSHOLES!” you roar. “LET'S MARCH!”

There's a great cheer from your NEW MOB; how easily they CHANGED ALLEGIENCES to SERVE YOU is cause for CONCERN, but that's a problem for later. But first, you grab both your PETS and deposit them in the front row. “YOU TWO SHITS LEAD THE FORMATION.” You then grab Sachiko and throw her at them. “SHE GOES WITH.”

“I- okay?” Cuddles says with an armful of fairy.

“Yassuh!” Sunshine says, saluting with her ROD.

“Okuu, stop getting into it!” Cuddles demands, setting her fairy down, who hastily scurries to her side.

Sunshine frowns. “Why?”

Cuddles comes up short at that. “Because- well, because!

Sunshine shrugs. “Nah.”

Cuddles throws her hands up in defeat, and it's on that note that you MARCH, trailing from the back as your new ablative meatshields LOYAL SERVANTS OF THE EMPEROR guide you on.

-----

You find yourself at the BIG HUGE DOORS to the DINING HALL. There is a convenient GRANDFATHER CLOCK nearby, so you PICK THE WHOLE THING UP.

“YOU KNOW WHAT WE ARE?” you bellow, hefting your weapon on your shoulder. “ALWAYS ANGRY!”

“ALWAYS ANGRY!” they yell back, sans Cuddles, who just looks really uncomfortable with this whole situation.

“ALL THE TIME!”

“ALL THE TIME!”

You almost SHED A TEAR of PRIDE. “CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE!”

You RUN THROUGH the DOORS, much like you did at the castle entrance, and enter a NICE DINING HALL with a REALLY LONG TABLE full of DELICIOUS FOOD and FAIRIES seated around it. There is a FIREPLACE at the far end, which is also where a PINK-HAIRED LADY in a BLUE SHIRT and PINK SKIRT sits, and also she has a RED EYEBALL-THING?

“I'M THINKING HERESY!” you yell, and lob the grandfather clock across, like, FIFTY METRES of TABLE. “HAVE A BAD TIME!”

Unfortunately, she has enough time to SCREAM and DODGE, diving out of her chair before the clock ANNIHILATES IT.

“FUCK,” you say, as the OPPOSING FAIRIES jump out of their chairs in a PANIC at this sudden attack.

“Hi, everybody!” Sunshine shouts, GRINNING WIDELY and WAVING her rod around.

“I'm really sorry!” Cuddles adds, looking VERY EMBARRASSED.
__________

[X] FAIRIES, LEAD THE WAY!

[X] ANGRY MARINE'S THE FIRST TO THE FIGHT!

[X] GO, MY PETS, GO AND SHOW THEM WHY YOU'RE THE BEST!
No. 185782
[X] ANGRY MARINE'S THE FIRST TO THE FIGHT!

I would like to remind everyone, that these are fairies dressed as zombies.

He ANGRILY invaded with a (FAKE) Fairy ZOMBIE army
No. 185783
[X] ANGRY MARINE'S THE FIRST TO THE FIGHT!
No. 185784
[X] ANGRY MARINE'S THE FIRST TO THE FIGHT!
No. 185785
[X] ANGRY MARINE'S THE FIRST TO THE FIGHT!

EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU FACE THE ENEMY BOSS WITH YOUR OWN BOSS. AND WE'RE OUR OWN BOSS NOW.
No. 185787
File 14474006224.jpg - (21.74KB, 407x405, tumblr_inline_nkp7r60Xa21s4kvl0.jpg) [iqdb]
185787
>SOUND OFF!
>SOUND OFF!

Lost it.

[X] FAIRIES, LEAD THE WAY!
No. 185788
[X] ANGRY MARINE'S THE FIRST TO THE FIGHT!

BLOOD AND THUNDER
No. 185789
[X] ANGRY MARINE'S THE FIRST TO THE FIGHT!

ALIEN FIEEEEEEEENDS
No. 185791
[X] FAIRIES, LEAD THE WAY!
No. 185793
[X] ANGRY MARINE'S THE FIRST TO THE FIGHT!
No. 185795
[X] ANGRY MARINE'S THE FIRST TO THE FIGHT!

Oh my god, he used my chant...

THIS BURNING PRIDE DEMANDS SOME FUCKING RELEASE!
No. 185798
[X] ANGRY MARINE'S THE FIRST TO THE FIGHT!
No. 185799
[X] ANGRY MARINE'S THE FIRST TO THE FIGHT!
No. 185808
[X] ANGRY MARINE'S THE FIRST TO THE FIGHT!

WE HAVE TO SHOW OUR FAIRY SQUAD HOW TO PROPERLY FUCK PEOPLE UP.
No. 185812
File 144748071913.png - (802.74KB, 600x857, OVERALL GLOOMY DISPOSITION.png) [iqdb]
185812
“Everybody!” Satori cries, righting herself. “Don't just float around! Get him!”

But before the ENEMY can even try, your own ZOMBIE SQUAD hits them all at once. There's a shrill bellow of “TRAITORS!” from an EVIL FAIRY before she gets a flying dropkick to the teeth from one of your own.

“I've wanted to do that for YEARS!” cackles your minion, before being buried under the weight of three ENEMY GOONS.

Fairies are scooping up DINNER TRAYS and beating each other with HAMS and ASSORTED FOODSTUFFS, but you can't spare more than a glance or two back as you run along; still, your women are GETTING SHIT DONE, and even if it's mainly by virtue of this being a SURPRISE ASSKICKING it's still GOOD FUCKING WORK.

Your PETS, meanwhile, are just grabbing food and watching the show; this is NOT UNEXPECTED, considering you still have not delivered the WEDGIE OF OWNING to Satori, but you can't help but be a BIT DISAPPOINTED anyway.

SPEAKING OF: “FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!” you bellow, leaping at Satori as she tries to FLEE THE ROOM, your FISTS OUTSTRETCHED for the PUMMELING TIME. You clear A DOZEN METRES with your MIGHTY JUMP, but Satori merely YELPS and FLINGS HERSELF to the FLOOR, barely avoiding you TAKING HER HEAD OFF.

“How are you so angry?!” she shrieks, crawling for the table on her hands and knees.

“BECAUSE I'M THE ANGRIEST MOTHERFUCKER IN THE WORLD, BITCH,” you say, landing in an AWESOME ROLL and coming up to your feet.

“That doesn't answer anything!” she says, NOT MAKING IT FAR ENOUGH before you close within FISTING RANGE. You are REACHING DOWN for her when, SUDDENLY, you are ENCAGED by a bunch of VEINY PURPLE LINE THINGS that GRAPPLE your ARMS and LEGS and pull you AWAY from Satori as if you weren't HALF A TON OF RAGE.

You're turned around in-transit and STOP in front of your attacker. “THE FUCK?” you demand of her, with her GREEN HAIR and GREEN SKIRT and GOLDEN SHIRT and PURPLE EYEBALL THING, before GIANT GOLDEN FLOWERS explode in your FACE and send you flying INTO A WALL.

OW.

“Satori~” trills the bitch, bobbing back and forth as you PEEL OFF THE STONEWORK and land on your feet. She GRINS WIDELY as you stomp towards her. “Is this mean man bothering you?”

“Koishi, get away from him!” Satori cries out, even as you unleash a STRAIGHT RIGHT; Koishi TWISTS and PIVOTS on a heel JUST SO that your fist GRAZES HER CHEEK.

“I've got a question for you!” she says, tottering off-balance on one foot, arms windmilling about.

“WHAT,” you say, following up with a STRAIGHT LEFT. She FALLS DOWN as your fist flies over her head, catches herself, and JUMPS BACK UP facing you, leg HAULED BACK.

“On a scale of one to ten!” Her foot lashes out, quick as a CULTIST used as a PROJECTICLE WEAPON, and hits you DIRECTLY IN THE GROIN. Somehow this carries ENOUGH FORCE to be felt THROUGH YOUR ARMOR. “How does that feel?” she asks, ALL SMILES.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH” you yell in ABJECT PAIN, but you REFUSE TO BE BOWED by a single NUTSHOT.

“Aaaaaaaargh?” Koishi asks, head cocked, and then she FOLLOWS UP with a SECOND NUTSHOT before you can RETALIATE. “See, this is the problem with surveys like this; it's always so hard to get a good answer!”

She STOPS TALKING as she DOLES OUT a VICIOUS DICK-ANNIHILATION with a THIRD KICK and a FOURTH and a FIFTH and GOD-EMPEROR PROTECT YOU YOU'RE LOSING COUNT.

After WAY TOO LONG of this, you stumble back, on your feet through SHEER HATE. “YOU KEEP KICKING ME IN THE DICK,” you WHEEZE in a SLIGHTLY HIGHER OCTAVE. “WHY? WHY MY DICK?”

The Emperor-damned whore just GIGGLES, holding her hands in front of her mouth. “I thought it'd be funny!”

THAT LITTLE CUNT.

“GET THE FUCK OVER HERE” you yell, throwing yourself at her, but every swing of yours comes CENTIMETRES away from knocking her head off as she BOBS and WEAVES and TWIRLS around like A FAGGOT ELF. Actually, the way she DANCES out of the way REMINDS YOU of- of a- OH MOTHERFUCKER SHE'S ROLLING LIKE A HARLEQUIN.
__________

[X] SATORI IS THE PRIORITY; GET HER AND THIS CAN ALL END QUICKLY

[X] NO ONE KICKS DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS IN THE CROTCH WITHOUT HIM RETURNING THE FAVOR
No. 185813
>>185812

ALSO, INB4 >PROJECTICLE

THIS IS THE KIND OF SHIT YOU MISS WHEN YOU POST THINGS WITH TWO MINUTES LEFT BEFORE DISQUALIFICATION, KIDS
No. 185816
[X] SATORI IS THE PRIORITY; GET HER AND THIS CAN ALL END QUICKLY

TIME OT CHANGE TACTICS.
No. 185817
[X] NO ONE KICKS DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS IN THE CROTCH WITHOUT HIM RETURNING THE FAVOR

No point going for Satori when she'll just pull him back.
No. 185818
[X] NO ONE KICKS DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS IN THE CROTCH WITHOUT HIM RETURNING THE FAVOR
No. 185819
[X] NO ONE KICKS DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS IN THE CROTCH WITHOUT HIM RETURNING THE FAVOR

I BET THAT BITCH EVEN PRAISES SLAANESH
No. 185821
[X] SATORI IS THE PRIORITY; GET HER AND THIS CAN ALL END QUICKLY

THE MONOLITH SATORI! WE DESTROY THAT AND THIS IS OVER! CHARGE!
No. 185824
[X] NO ONE KICKS DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS IN THE CROTCH WITHOUT HIM RETURNING THE FAVOR

PUNT IS THE VERY LEAST THIS CUNT HAS TO WORRY ABOUT
No. 185825
[X] SATORI IS THE PRIORITY; GET HER AND THIS CAN ALL END QUICKLY
[X] RALLY YOUR TROOPS AND CHARGE SATORI
No. 185827
[X] NO ONE KICKS DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS IN THE CROTCH WITHOUT HIM RETURNING THE FAVOR
No. 185828
[X] SATORI IS THE PRIORITY; GET HER AND THIS CAN ALL END QUICKLY

GUYS HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN WE ARE IN A FUCKING DINING ROOM?
No. 185830
[X] SATORI IS THE PRIORITY; GET HER AND THIS CAN ALL END QUICKLY

>>185272

WE'RE IN THE FUCKING DINNING ROOM. FLIP TABLES, FAGGOT!
No. 185836
[X] use POWER DINING ROOM SET on SATORI

THE TIME HAS COME AND SO HAVE I
No. 185837
[X] SATORI IS THE PRIORITY; GET HER AND THIS CAN ALL END QUICKLY
-[X] USE THE CHAIRS FOR YOUR ART OF BARFIGHTING, WHICH YOU HAVE PERFECTED IN THOUSANDS OF DRUNKEN BLOODBOWLA-DISCUSSIONS WITH FILTHY HERETICS, XENOS AND YOUR RIVAL, MORDAKKA NEVANUFF, THAT QUICKSHOT MEKBOY WHO WARRANTED ITS CREATION BY CHEERING FOR MECHANICUS TEAM

HE SAID HE MISTOOK THEM FOR ORKS COMING BACK FROM PAINBOYZ BUT YOU KNOW THAT THE DISGUSTING SHITLICKER HAS A MACHINE FETISH!!!
No. 185839
>>185836

[X] THIS DINING ROOM SET, IT WAS MADE FOR ME

FUCK YEA FIRST POWER UP. TIME TO SERVE UP A HEAPING HELPING OF WHOOP-ASS
No. 185842
[X] THIS DINING ROOM SET, IT WAS MADE FOR ME
No. 185844
[X] THIS DINING ROOM SET, IT WAS MADE FOR ME

HELL^(FUCK) YEAH!
-[X] POWER BANQUET HALL SET, BECUASE WHAT FUCKING PUSSY ONLY USES ONE CHAIR!?!?
-[X] MAKE SATORI OUR PET
No. 185850
>>185844 REPORTING IN!

>>185830

TACK THIS SHIT ON! PSYCHIC MONKEY, GET

[X] MAKE SATORI OUR PET
No. 185854
WHY NOT KILL TWO BIRDS WITH EACH OTHER? OR BETTER YET, THE ROOM?

[X] THIS DINING ROOM SET. IT WAS MADE FOR ME.
[X] IF THE DINING ROOM SET DON'T WORK, BEAT THE GREEN MOTHERFUCKER WITH THE PURPLE MOTHERFUCKER
[X] MAKE BOTH THE THREE-EYED MONKEYS OUR PETS
No. 185855
[X] THIS DINING ROOM SET. IT WAS MADE FOR ME.

AT LAST
No. 185856
File 144756710673.jpg - (197.63KB, 882x1000, COCK DESTROYER.jpg) [iqdb]
185856
You are preparing yourself to deliver a RIGHTEOUS ASSKICKING when an IDEA strikes.

You are in a dining room. Logically, this means you have NIGH-UNLIMITED ACCESS to a DINING ROOM SET.

IT IS TIME.

Your only problem is that your REPEATED DICK-KICKS have somehow left Koishi between YOU and the TABLE, which is also where Satori is COWERING, so first you need to get around the DAMNED BITCH.

“HEY,” you say, warily maintaining distance, because she has shown a HORRIFYING SKILL in closing the distance to kick your JUNK, and you have had MORE THAN ENOUGH to last you for the next CENTURY.

“Hmm?” Koishi says, idly swinging her COCK-DESTROYER leg back and forth.

“LOOK BEHIND YOU.”

“Okay!” Koishi ACTUALLY DOES IT HOLY SHIT.

You take this chance to LEAP OVER HER and CRASH THROUGH THE TABLE with a lot of BREAKING WOOD and CHAIRS. After some CHAIR-GRABBING, you stand, your BOOTS shoved through a pair of CHAIRS to serve as CHAIR FEET, and your FISTS are shoved through ANOTHER PAIR to act as CHAIR-FISTS.

You are now THE MASTER OF BARFIGHTS, which is a HIGHLY RESPECTED position in the Chapter.

“I'M FUCKING INVINCIBLE!” you declare, and then you get YOINKED AGAIN by Koishi's HEART EYEBALL WIRE SHIT, directly into ANOTHER DICK-KICK.

“Let's see if you're right!” she says, as her foot REPEATEDLY and MERCILESSLY connects with your GROIN, every impact like a MINIATURE EXPLOSION that transforms your existence into one of SHEER PAIN.

Your “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-” bounces throughout the room, punctuated by the STEADY THUDS of Koishi DESTROYING YOUR GENITALIA. This HORRID STATE OF AFFAIRS continues until, SUDDENLY, Koishi is JUMPED by a FAIRY MOST BRAVE.

“YAAAAARGH” Sachiko yells, clinging to Koishi's back, and then she BITES her HAT.

“Oi!” Koishi cries, INCREDIBLY FLUSTERED as she backpedals, trying to DISLODGE her attacker, and winds up LETTING YOU GO in the process because she is DISTRACTED. You would GIVE CHASE, but you have DIFFERENT PRIORITIES. Instead, you focus on the REAL TARGET of this entire mess, which is SATORI, whose feet are PEEKING OUT from under the far end of the TABLE.

This is her WORST MISTAKE EVER.

“HOLD STILL!” you shout, throwing yourself at the HERETIC'S FEET, only for her to CRAWL OUT the OTHER END.

“No!” she cries back as you BREAK that part of the table IN HALF on impact, and RUNS AWAY as you GET BACK UP. “Okuu! Orin! Help me!”

“SIT THE FUCK DOWN!”
you bellow over her, and your pets FREEZE midway through STANDING.

“Why are you listening to him?!” Satori shrieks, running REMARKABLY QUICKLY through the CROWD of FIGHTING FAIRIES, but you GIVE CHASE without stopping for ANYONE, bowling over EVERYBODY IN YOUR WAY.

“Because he kicked my ass!” Sunshine shouts back, patting her BRUISE of a FACE.

“Ditto!” Cuddles adds, between bites of a CHICKEN LEG.

“I hate both of you!” Satori says, and then YOU ARE ON HER, smashing your CHAIR-FISTS into her back; this sends her SPRAWLING on her FACE, and while she TWITCHES on the ground she shows no signs of GETTING UP. Still, you plant a CHAIR-POWER-BOOT on her back, JUST IN CASE she decides to TRY SOMETHING.

The rest of the FIGHTING seems to have DIED DOWN NOW, with a scarce FIVE OR SO of your dudes STILL STANDING over a mess of CONCUSSED ENEMY FAIRIES. They all WATCH YOU INTENTLY.

“YOUR PETS ARE MINE NOW, BITCH,” you intone, over the sounds of Koishi's INCREASINGLY AGITATED shouts. Unfortunately, Satori is TOO DAZED from your CHAIR-BLUDGEONING to do anything more than GROAN at your declaration.
__________

[X] YOU CAME THIS FAR TO DELIVER A WEDGIE, AND BY THE EMPEROR YOU WILL NOT BE DENIED.

[X] YOU KNOW WHAT KOISHI WON'T EXPECT? A SATORI MISSILE. DO THAT FIRST.
No. 185857
[X] YOU KNOW WHAT KOISHI WON'T EXPECT? A SATORI MISSILE. DO THAT FIRST.
No. 185858
[X] YOU CAME THIS FAR TO DELIVER A WEDGIE, AND BY THE EMPEROR YOU WILL NOT BE DENIED.
-[X] GET THE NEAREST ITCHY POWDER AND POUR IT IN HER UNDERWEAR FIRST BEFORE WEDGIE TIME.
-[X] YOU KNOW WHAT KOISHI WON'T EXPECT? A SATORI MISSILE. DO THAT NEXT.

WE ARE THE MASTERS OF HUMILIATION. WE WILL KEEP THAT TITLE.
No. 185859
[X] YOU CAME THIS FAR TO DELIVER A WEDGIE, AND BY THE EMPEROR YOU WILL NOT BE DENIED.
-[X] KOISHI NEEDS ONE TOO.

DO YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO HAVE YOUR GENITALIA MANGLED IN FRONT OF YOUR PETS

GOOD NEWS

YOU'RE ABOUT TO
No. 185860
[X] YOU CAME THIS FAR TO DELIVER A WEDGIE, AND BY THE EMPEROR YOU WILL NOT BE DENIED.
-[X] KOISHI NEEDS ONE TOO.

NERD
No. 185861
[X] YOU CAME THIS FAR TO DELIVER A WEDGIE, AND BY THE EMPEROR YOU WILL NOT BE DENIED.
-[X] KOISHI NEEDS ONE TOO.
No. 185862
[X] YOU CAME THIS FAR TO DELIVER A WEDGIE, AND BY THE EMPEROR YOU WILL NOT BE DENIED.
-[X] KOISHI NEEDS ONE TOO.
No. 185863
[X] YOU KNOW WHAT KOISHI WON'T EXPECT? A SATORI MISSILE. DO THAT FIRST.

LET'S SEE HOW YOU LIKE A CUNT PUNT MISSILE.
No. 185864
[X] YOU CAME THIS FAR TO DELIVER A WEDGIE, AND BY THE EMPEROR YOU WILL NOT BE DENIED.
-[X] KOISHI NEEDS ONE TOO.
No. 185867
[X] YOU CAME THIS FAR TO DELIVER A WEDGIE, AND BY THE EMPEROR YOU WILL NOT BE DENIED.
-[X] KOISHI NEEDS ONE TOO.

DISCIPLINE YOUR PETS. THIS HOLDS DOUBLY SO FOR MONKEYS.
No. 185869
[X] YOU CAME THIS FAR TO DELIVER A WEDGIE, AND BY THE EMPEROR YOU WILL NOT BE DENIED.
-[X] KOISHI NEEDS ONE TOO.

ATOMIC WEDGIE OF RAGE!
No. 185870
[X] YOU CAME THIS FAR TO DELIVER A WEDGIE, AND BY THE EMPEROR YOU WILL NOT BE DENIED.
No. 185875
>>185850
Platemask NO!
I'M >>185844 AND I'M ANGRY NOW!
PREPARE TO FEEL THE WRATH OF THE SHINTO GOD OF INSECTS!

[X] YOU CAME THIS FAR TO DELIVER A WEDGIE, AND BY THE EMPEROR YOU WILL NOT BE DENIED.
-[X] GET THE NEAREST ITCHY POWDER AND POUR IT IN HER UNDERWEAR FIRST BEFORE WEDGIE TIME.
-[X] YOU KNOW WHAT KOISHI WON'T EXPECT? A SATORI MISSILE. DO THAT NEXT.
--[X] AND DO THIS TO PLATEMASK, TOO!
No. 185877
[X] YOU CAME THIS FAR TO DELIVER A WEDGIE, AND BY THE EMPEROR YOU WILL NOT BE DENIED.
-[X] KOISHI NEEDS ONE TOO.
No. 185881
>>185875

LOOK.

I APPRECIATE IT...

... BUT NAMEFAGGIN (ACCIDENTAL OR OTHERWISE) ISN'T DEALT WITH BY NAMEFAGGING MORE, OR SHIT GETS SHITTIER. I WAS HOPING NOBODY WOULD CATCH THAT SHIT.
No. 185894
File 144765246128.png - (347.37KB, 600x497, RECTUM STATUS RAVAGED.png) [iqdb]
185894
You look around for any convenient ITCHY POWDERS so you can really ramp up the effects of your INCOMING OWNING, but none present themselves at this table.

DAMN.

Oh well, you still have Satori SPRAWLED OUT at your feet. You'll take what you can get. You pick her up with one hand and stand her up straight, holding her STEADY because she would probably fall down if you let go.

“Whuh?” she mumbles, PROBABLY CONCUSSED.

“WATCH CLOSELY, YOU ASSHOLES,” you say, “FOR I AM ABOUT TO GIVE HERS AN EXPERIENCE IT WILL NEVER FORGET.”

With your other hand, you PULL Satori's SKIRT down (earning GASPS from ALL ASSEMBLED), and- How the FUCK are you going to give someone a wedgie when they're wearing BLOOMERS?

“FUCK IT!” you declare, grabbing Satori's bloomers around the waistband, and PULL IT UP ALL THE WAY in one BRUTALLY EFFICIENT motion. Fabric RIPS, Satori MAKES AN UNDIGNIFIED NOISE, the crowd GOES WILD, and you leave the THRICE-DAMNED WITCH with YE OLDE-TIMEY UNDERWEAR as a NEW HAT.

PHASE TWO: you retrieve a marker from SOMEWHERE ON YOUR PERSON, kept for JUST SUCH AN OCCASION, and scribble 'OWNED' across her forehead in big, blocky letters.

“TRANSFER COMPLETE,” you say to your HORRIFIED AUDIENCE, ignoring Satori's QUIET SOBBING. “YOU ALL ARE MY BITCHES NOW.”

There is but ONE THING left to do with the BUTTDEVASTATED HERETIC. You THROW Satori upwards, wait for her to fall, and then KICK; your POWER-CHAIR-BOOT catches her DIRECTLY IN THE ASS, launching her screeching across the room at Koishi, who has just managed to POWERBOMB Sachiko straight into the floor. How she managed to do that when the LITTLE BITER was previously on her back is BEYOND YOU.

Still, she shows COMMENDABLE REACTION-TIMES and CATCHES SATORI, even if the FORCE of the HUMAN MISSILE knocks her FLAT ON HER KEISTER.

“Satori!” she wails, hugging her MEGA-HUMILIATED sister tightly. “Nooooooooooo!”

“YES!” you say, choosing now to CHARGE THE ENEMY.

Seeing you coming, Koishi SCRAMBLES UPRIGHT and FLIES AWAY WHAT THE SHIT.

“GET THE FUCK DOWN HERE!” you yell, GESTICULATING VIOLENTLY as Koishi hovers near the ceiling, which is WAY OUT OF REACH. You pick up Sachiko and throw her, but Koishi is still TOO DAMN NIMBLE and darts out of the way, leaving your PROJECTILE FAIRY to REBOUND OFF THE CEILING.

“This isn't over!” she shrilly declares, and then TAKES OFF towards the exits.

“YES IT IS!” you shout, removing one of your CHAIRS from a foot and THROWING IT AT HER. It does nothing but CRASH TO BITS against a wall as Koishi ZOOMS OUT. “OH COME THE FUCK ON.”

You GIVE CHASE, but are STOPPED near the door by YOUR PETS, who are looking at you with SUPREME DISGUST.

“THE FUCK YOU DOING?” you demand, as they REFUSE to clear a way.

“I- that was-” Sunshine says, trying and FAILING to find words to describe how AWESOME you just were.

“You're awful!” Cuddles says, cutting STRAIGHT THROUGH YOUR HEART and doing NO DAMAGE.

“MY DICK REQUIRES AN APOTHECARY'S ATTENTION, YOU STUPID FUCKS,” you reply, LOOMING at them. “I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU THINK. GET OUT THE WAY.”

“No!” Cuddles says, refusing to move. “Leave Lady Satori alone!”

“I must second this!” Sunshine adds, getting all GLOWY AGAIN.

This is BLATANT INSUBORDINATION, but, after a quick FLOOR-STOMP to vent EXCESS HATE, you've cooled down JUST ENOUGH to NOT IMMEDIATELY BITCHSLAP THEM. Your REMAINING FAIRIES are not getting involved, because they are SMART and RECOGNIZE your AUTHORITY.
__________

[X] OKAY NOW YOU'LL BITCHSLAP THEM; YOU NEED TO DELIVER HOLY VENGEANCE UPON KOISHI AND THESE TWO ARE IN THE WAY

[X] A WISE MASTER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR TEACHING HIS CHARGES WHY HE IS ALWAYS RIGHT, AND YOU OFFICIALLY OWN THESE TWO NOW, SO SCREW IT, NOW'S AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY
No. 185895
[X] A WISE MASTER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR TEACHING HIS CHARGES WHY HE IS ALWAYS RIGHT, AND YOU OFFICIALLY OWN THESE TWO NOW, SO SCREW IT, NOW'S AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY

HOLY WEDGIE IS NEVER TOO LATE
No. 185896
[X] OKAY NOW YOU'LL BITCHSLAP THEM; YOU NEED TO DELIVER HOLY VENGEANCE UPON KOISHI AND THESE TWO ARE IN THE WAY

WE HAVE BEEN FAR TO LENIENT WITH THESE MUTANTS.
No. 185898
[X] OKAY NOW YOU'LL BITCHSLAP THEM; YOU NEED TO DELIVER HOLY VENGEANCE UPON KOISHI AND THESE TWO ARE IN THE WAY

WATCH IT YOU TWO, YOU'RE GETTING DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO BEING INSUFFICIENTLY LOYAL TO THE GOD EMPEROR.

HINT: THAT MEANS I'LL BE SHOVING MY BOOT SO FAR UP YOUR ASS I'LL BE USEING YOU AS LEG WARMERS.
No. 185899
[X] A WISE MASTER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR TEACHING HIS CHARGES WHY HE IS ALWAYS RIGHT, AND YOU OFFICIALLY OWN THESE TWO NOW, SO SCREW IT, NOW'S AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY
No. 185902
[X] A WISE MASTER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR TEACHING HIS CHARGES WHY HE IS ALWAYS RIGHT, AND YOU OFFICIALLY OWN THESE TWO NOW, SO SCREW IT, NOW'S AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY
No. 185905
[X] A WISE MASTER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR TEACHING HIS CHARGES WHY HE IS ALWAYS RIGHT, AND YOU OFFICIALLY OWN THESE TWO NOW, SO SCREW IT, NOW'S AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY

INSUBORDINATION WILL NOT BE TOLERATED TO ANY DEGREE
No. 185910
[X] A WISE MASTER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR TEACHING HIS CHARGES WHY HE IS ALWAYS RIGHT, AND YOU OFFICIALLY OWN THESE TWO NOW, SO SCREW IT, NOW'S AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY
No. 185912
[X] A WISE MASTER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR TEACHING HIS CHARGES WHY HE IS ALWAYS RIGHT, AND YOU OFFICIALLY OWN THESE TWO NOW, SO SCREW IT, NOW'S AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY

BLESSED IS THE MIND TOO SMALL FOR DOUBT
No. 185913
[X] A WISE MASTER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR TEACHING HIS CHARGES WHY HE IS ALWAYS RIGHT, AND YOU OFFICIALLY OWN THESE TWO NOW, SO SCREW IT, NOW'S AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY

I SAID DISCIPLINE YOUR PETS
No. 185917
[X] A WISE MASTER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR TEACHING HIS CHARGES WHY HE IS ALWAYS RIGHT, AND YOU OFFICIALLY OWN THESE TWO NOW, SO SCREW IT, NOW'S AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY
No. 185931
File 14477393715.png - (1.28MB, 849x800, YOU BITCHES GOT WORSE THINGS THAN STARVING TO DEAL.png) [iqdb]
185931
It is NOT THEIR FAULT, you remind yourself, that they are FILTHY INSUBORDINATE MUTANTS; they have known no other leadership in their whole lives, and it is your DUTY as a servant of the EMPEROR to correct this.

You start by grabbing both of them around the throat and lifting them up, STRANGLING protests before they can DIG THEMSELVES into DEEPER SHIT. “HERE'S WHAT WE'LL DO,” you say. “WE GOT A LOT OF WORK HERE, ME AND YOU. I NEED TO KICK KOISHI'S ASS, AND YOU TWO KNOW WHERE THAT STUPID BITCH'LL GO.”

“Are you- ghk!” Cuddles rasps when you TIGHTEN your grip.

“YES I'M FUCKING ASKING YOU TO HELP ME, YOU RETARD. I LITERALLY JUST OWNED YOUR OLD BOSS, SO NOW I OWN YOU. THIS IS THE ONLY REASON I CAME HERE.”

“All right, all right!” Sunshine wheezes, your POWER GRIP almost too much even for her SWOLE NECK. “We get it!”

“Mmhmm!” Cuddles adds, nodding as much as she can with your hand around her neck.

“NO, I DON'T BELIEVE YOU SHITLICKERS,” you say, SHAKING THEM ABOUT for good measure. “I AM ONE OF THE EMPEROR'S ANGELS OF ASS-KICKING, AND I'M NOT SEEING PROPER RESPECT FROM EITHER OF YOU. I WOULD NOT BE IN THIS AWFUL PLANET FULL OF HERESY IF HE DID NOT WANT ME HERE, AND THIS MEANS I MUST FUCKING EDUCATE YOU.

“We could learn better if you let go?” Cuddles suggests.

“PROBABLY,” you say, and drop them. They rub at their throats. “ALL RIGHT. WHO AM I?”

“Uh-”

You LIGHTLY BITCHSLAP Cuddles, which KNOCKS HER OVER. “I HAVE ONLY SAID IT ALL OF THE FUCKING TIME, YOU STUPID BITCH.”

“Doyou Evenliftimus!” she says from the floor, STARTING TO CRY, which still leaves her a damn sight better off than most people on the receiving end of YOUR FISTS.

“AND?” You direct this one at Ms. Sunshine, who is standing VERY STILL.

“Servant of the Emperor's will!” she belts out, clearly unwilling to get MORE BRUISED than she already is.

“AND WHAT DOES THIS MAKE ME?”

“Always right!” they belt out in UNISON.

You DARE to hope they won't FUCK THIS NEXT PART UP. “WHEN?”

“All the time!” Their SPOOKED DECLARATIONS make you THE OPPOSITE OF ANGRY, if only for a brief, brief moment.

“OH MY EMPEROR,” you say, filled with PRIDE. “YOU'VE GOT IT.”

You pull Cuddles up and PAT HER HEAD. She is FRIGHTENED of FURTHER BITCHSLAPS, but only IDIOTS get those, so she is now SAFE.

“AS FOR THE REST OF YOU,” you say, turning to the fairies. “ROUND UP EVERYBODY WHOSE SHIT GOT KICKED IN, 'CAUSE WE'RE GONNA HAVE A TALK.”

Your few remaining goons GET TO IT, dragging any fairy who hasn't been THOROUGHLY POWDERED into one big pile.

“KEEP AN EYE ON THEM,” you say, as they stack GROANING BODIES atop each other. “I WILL BE BACK SHORTLY.”

“Aye-aye, sir!” says one of yours, saluting with a grin.

“GOOD GIRL,” you say. Turning back to your EDUCATED PETS, your MAIN GOAL comes to attention. “OKAY. NOW THAT THE HIERARCHY IS PERFECTLY CLEAR, WHERE THE SHIT WOULD THAT DICK-DESTROYER GO? FILL ME IN HERE.”

They DO SO.
__________

[X] To THE ROOF, because that is the ONLY FITTING PLACE for a CONFRONTATION.

[X] To the KENNEL, where ALL SORTS of WEIRD ANIMALS live; Koishi will probably want ALLIES to try and SAVAGE YOU.

[X] To SATORI'S BEDROOM. IT'S ONLY LOGICAL.
No. 185932
[X] To SATORI'S BEDROOM. WE ALL KNOW THESE MUTANTS DO HERETIC THINGS IN THEIR WARDROBES.
No. 185933
[X] To SATORI'S BEDROOM. IT'S ONLY LOGICAL.

WE WILL SETTLE THIS WITH THE MOST ANUS-CLENCHINGLY TENSE PILLOW FIGHT EVER SEEN TO MAN
No. 185937
[X] To SATORI'S BEDROOM. IT'S ONLY LOGICAL.
No. 185938
[X] To SATORI'S BEDROOM. IT'S ONLY LOGICAL.

PILLOW FIIIIIIIIGHT
No. 185940
[X] To SATORI'S BEDROOM. IT'S ONLY LOGICAL.

PILLOW FIGHT!
No. 185943
[X] To SATORI'S BEDROOM. IT'S ONLY LOGICAL.
No. 185945
>>185933

[X] To SATORI'S BEDROOM. IT'S ONLY LOGICAL.

I WOULD LIKE TO SUBSCRIBE TO YOUR FUCKING NEWSLETTER. WHERE DO I SIGN MY FUCKING NAME?
No. 185947
[X] To SATORI'S BEDROOM. IT'S ONLY LOGICAL.
No. 185956
[X] To THE ROOF, because that is the ONLY FITTING PLACE for a CONFRONTATION.

I SIMPLY ADORE A PENTHOUSE VIIIIIEEEEWWWWW
No. 185960
File 144782594138.jpg - (515.01KB, 700x973, THE RESULTS OF OWNAGE.jpg) [iqdb]
185960
“CLEARLY THE ONLY PLACE SHE WOULD GO WOULD BE THE BEDROOM,” you say.

It makes sense; who knows what these mutants keep in their wardrobes? There is usually some PRETTY FREAKY SHIT in those places, as you've learned from experience; your purge of Alkazar III taught you more than you EVER WANTED TO KNOW about what heretics kept in their HERESY HIDEY-HOLES. That is one ORBITAL BOMBARDMENT you do not regret.

Not that you regret ANY ORBITAL BOMBARDMENTS because they're all radical, but still.

Anyway, if there's something to alleviate Satori's MASSIVE BUTTHURT, it's likely to be in her room. Judging by how Koishi reacted when she caught her sister, you would bet your SECRET STASH of THRONES that's where she'd haul Satori.

“TIME TO ROCK OUT,” you say, throwing your pets over your HUGE SHOULDERS as they SQUAWK in PROTEST; gonna need someone to WALK YOU THROUGH THIS SHIT, after all. “AND IF EITHER OF YOU ASSHOLES LEAD ME WRONG YOU'RE NEXT IN LINE ON THE WEDGIE-TRAIN.”

“Y-yes, sir!” Cuddles says.

“I KNOW YOU'RE SMART BITCHES AND ALL, I JUST FIGURED YOU COULD STAND TO KNOW THE STAKES HERE.” This is incredibly LENIENT of you, considering that any Angry Marine who fucks up during training warrants a VICIOUS PUMMELING. However, these abhumans are naturally inferior, and as such you're taking a SOFTER TOUCH to things, like restraining yourself to a single bitchslap as opposed to slamming Ms. Cuddles a metre into the floor.

“Thank you, sir!” Sunshine says, her voice all WARBLY for some reason. “But, uh, could you let us go? We could sit properly-”

“AFTER YOUR LATEST ACT OF SHITTERY, NO. I'M HOLDING THE BOTH OF YOU LIKE THIS UNTIL WE FIND THE BEDROOM.”

“I can't guide you if I can't see where we're going!” Cuddles protests, squirming under your grip.

You CLENCH your CAT-GRABBING FIST just enough to make her SQUEAK. “OH BOO-FUCKING-HOO. SUCK IT UP, THIS IS PART OF YOUR TRAINING. BESIDES, YOU LIVE HERE, YOU OUGHTA KNOW THIS PLACE WITH YOUR EYES CLOSED.”

Yessir,” she croaks, and you loosen your MIGHTY GRIP.

“GOOD! LET'S ROLL, BITCHES!”

You CHARGE out of the dining room, TRUSTING in Ms. Cuddles to guide you onward at MAXIMUM EFFICIENCY, which is why you don't slow down A DAMN WHIT.
__________

When you reach Satori's bedroom in a FEW MINUTES, the unassuming wooden door is both CLOSED and A BIT SMALLER THAN YOU. Prepared for any ambush, you pull Ms. Cuddles off your shoulder and (GENTLY) press her head against the door.

“MS. CUDDLES, USE YOUR HERETICAL EARS AND TELL ME IF THERE IS ANYONE WAITING TO KICK MY DICK,” you whisper.

“Yep,” she replies, looking VERY UNCOMFORTABLE as you grind her head UP AND DOWN the door to give her MAXIMUM COVERAGE. “There totally is.”

“AWESOME.” You set her and Sunshine both down, AWAY from the door. “NOW STEP BACK, 'CAUSE SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET REAL.”

Before they can ACTUALLY DO THAT, you fling yourself HEADFIRST through the door, before anyone who heard your TERRIFYING VOICE could prepare to KICK YOUR DICK.

“TACTICAL GENIUUUUUUUUS” you yell, ANNIHILATING the door and landing on a FUZZY CARPET. You are now in a COZY BEDROOM with a ROTARY FAN on the ceiling, as well as a FOUR-POSTER BED home to a STILL-WEDGIED Satori, who is currently sitting on its side, UPENDING A FLASK.

When Koishi fails to materialize within COCK-BUSTING RANGE, you pick yourself up and stomp over to Satori, who just KEEPS DRINKING.

And DRINKING.

And DRINKING.

And THANK FUCK SHE'S DONE.

“Whuhddaya want?” she slurs, staring at you all GLASSY-EYED. “Didn't even – take this off.” She gestures with her flask at her UNDERWEAR HAT, which still seems to be causing her MILD DISTRESS. “So ya don't gotta- gotta do the thing again. We cool.

Her IRRESPONSIBLE ALCOHOL INTAKE overwhelms her, and she topples over. Seeing the results of such a MASSIVE OWNAGE makes you WANT TO CRY in JOY, but instead you LOOK AROUND the rest of the room, because that SNEAKY BITCH could be-

You're JERKED OFF YOUR FEET by something GRABBING YOUR LEG and TUGGING HARD, and you land on your back. A look down reveals PURPLE WIRES coming from underneath the bed, and they DRAG YOU towards them before you can do anything.

“OH FUCK NO,” you say, and then TINY FISTS fly out and PUNCH YOU IN THE SCROTUM.

“Oh fuck yes!” Koishi says, and then she launches into the FASTEST BARRAGE of BALL-BUSTER BLOWS you've ever had the misfortune of being SUBJECTED TO. “Atatatatatatatatatatatatata!

This time you get a GOOD LOOK as it happens, and get to see how her every punch sets off a MINIATURE MAGICAL EXPLOSION localized on YOUR PENILE ORGAN, and it is EXCRUCIATING. But what this stupid bitch DIDN'T THINK OF was the fact that you're wearing POWER-BOOTS.

The sudden shocks Koishi gets when you ACTIVATE THEM knock her silly, slackening her WIRE SHIT, and with her STUNNED and your legs free, you give her a RIGHT GOOD KICK TO THE FUCKING FACE. This launches her out the opposite end of the bed, wires releasing you as she slides. You don't waste this opportunity, jumping to your feet, ignoring your SHATTERED TESTICLES, and dive across Satori's bed, grabbing a pillow as you fly, before landing in front of the THOROUGHLY DAZED Koishi.

“IF YOU WERE ENJOYING YOURSELF YOU'D BETTER GET READY TO STOP,” you declare, sizing up your options for VENGEANCE.
__________

[X] IT'S NOT SO FUNNY WHEN IT'S YOUR GENITALIA GETTING WRECKED, IS IT, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE?

[X] YOU HAVE EARNED THIS MOST HOLY OF WEDGIES, AND TIME ON THE CEILING FAN BESIDES. REJOICE!

[X] PILLOW FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT

[X] ANY SLASH ALL OF THE ABOVE, PLUS WHATEVER ELSE YOU CAN COME UP WITH.
No. 185962
[X] YOU KNOW WHY ALCOHOL ABUSE IS BAD? IGNITE SATORI FOR INSTANT FLAMING BAT.
No. 185963
[X] PILLOW FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT
No. 185964
[X] PILLOW FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT

YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT IT'S TIME FOR A FUCKING PILLOW FIGHT
No. 185965
[X] PILLOW FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT
No. 185966
[X] ANY SLASH ALL OF THE ABOVE.

WE MUST DISCIPLINE OUR NEW PET EYEBALL MONKEYS. WEDGIE-FAN-PINATA-POWER-PILLOW-TIME IS PERFECT PUNISHMENT.
No. 185968
[x] PILLOOOOOOOOW FIIIIIIIIIIIGHT
No. 185969
[X] PILLOW FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT
No. 185970
[X] PILLOW FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT
No. 185972
[X] YOU HAVE EARNED THIS MOST HOLY OF WEDGIES, AND TIME ON THE CEILING FAN BESIDES. REJOICE!
-[X] AND SMACK HER WITH THE PILLOW EVERY TIME SHE COMES AROUND.

IT'S LIKE YOU FUCKS DON'T UNDERSTAND COMBINED ARMS.
No. 185974
[X] YOU HAVE EARNED THIS MOST HOLY OF WEDGIES, AND TIME ON THE CEILING FAN BESIDES. REJOIC-[X] AND SMACK HER WITH THE PILLOW EVERY TIME SHE COMES AROUND.
No. 185977
[X] YOU HAVE EARNED THIS MOST HOLY OF WEDGIES, AND TIME ON THE CEILING FAN BESIDES. REJOICE!
-[X] AND SMACK HER WITH THE PILLOW EVERY TIME SHE COMES AROUND.
No. 185978
HEY, EVERYONE, REAL TALK FOR A MOMENT (VOTES ARE STILL OPEN SO KEEP THOSE COMING IN DON'T WORRY).

WE'VE HIT AUTOSAGE. BY THE EMPEROR, WE'RE THE FIRST ONES TO NEED A NEW THREAD. I AM PROUD OF EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU ASSHOLES AND ALSO HAPPY THAT YOU ARE ENJOYING THIS SHITTY RUSHED THING I PUT OUT EVERY DAY.

FOR AN IDEA THAT I'VE HAD KICKING AROUND IN MY HEAD FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS OR SO, I AM ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY ASTOUNDED THAT YOU ALL ARE VOTING SO MUCH AND HAVING THIS MUCH FUN WITH IT. THIS WAS ORIGINALLY GOING TO JUST BE A /SHORT/, BUT I COULDN'T MAKE IT WORK LIKE THAT, AND I WAS THINKING THIS STORY WOULD JUST ROT, UNFINISHED, FOREVER.

I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO CRASH AND BURN IN THIS CARNIVAL, HONESTLY, BUT GODDAMN IF RUSHING WORK OUT LIKE THIS HASN'T BEEN A HELLUVA RUSH.

ANYWAY, FOR OUR FIRST COMPLETED THREAD, HOW DO YOU ALL FEEL ABOUT HOW YOUR ADVENTURE THROUGH THIS MOST HERETICAL OF REALMS IS PROGRESSING? GOOD? FUCKAWFUL? SOMEWHERE IN BETWEEN? IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE ANSWERING THAT'S COOL TOO.

YOU'RE ALL RADICAL IN MY BOOK, FOLKS. THANKS FOR STICKING WITH ME, AND HERE'S TO AN UPDATE EVERY DAY UNTIL THE END OF THE CONTEST.
No. 185979
>>185978

DO I HEAR CELEBRATIN' SOLDIER?

DO I HEAR CELEBRATIN' BEFORE YOUR WORK IS DONE AND OVER WITH?

THERE WILL BE NO MERRY-MAKIN', PUSSY-FOOTIN' BULLSHIT IN THIS THREAD OF GOLD OR, SO HELP ME GOD, I WILL POWER FIST YOUR UVULA ALL THE WAY THROUGH AND OUT YOUR VIRGIN ASSHOLE!

NOW GET WRITING SOLDER YOU'RE DOIN' THE EMPRAH'S WORK, AND YOU'RE DOIN' A DAMN FINE JOB OF IT, AND YOU'RE GONNA' KEEP DOIN' A DAMN FINE JOB OF IT!

DO YOU HEAR ME, SOLDIER!?
No. 185980
>>185978
BEING THE SORT OF ASSHOLE WHO WANTS EXTREMELY ANAL PLOT DIRECTION AND HIGH-MINDED THEMATIC CONNECTIONS, I WOULD NORMALLY BRISTLE AT STORIES LIKE THIS, BUT THE BOMBASTIC IRREVERENCE OF IT ALL MAKES ME NOT GIVE TWO FUCKS. YOU HAVE MANAGED A GREAT FEAT IN MY BOOK. KEEP IT UP, YOU LOVELY MOTHERFUCKER, BECAUSE I WILL BE HERE TO RAGE WITH THE REST UNTIL THE END. NOW GET BACK TO WORK, ASSHOLE.
No. 185981
[X] YOU HAVE EARNED THIS MOST HOLY OF WEDGIES, AND TIME ON THE CEILING FAN BESIDES. REJOICE!
-[X] AND SMACK HER WITH THE PILLOW EVERY TIME SHE COMES AROUND.
No. 185984
>>185978

THIS STORY REMINDS ME OF THE OLD DAYS OF THP, IN A GOOD WAY. IT'S GREAT TO SEE SO MUCH ACTIVITY AGAIN. SHINE ON, YOU CRAZY DIAMOND!
No. 185988
[X] YOU HAVE EARNED THIS MOST HOLY OF WEDGIES, AND TIME ON THE CEILING FAN BESIDES. REJOICE!
-[X] AND SMACK HER WITH THE PILLOW EVERY TIME SHE COMES AROUND.

THIS STORY IS FUCKING GLORIOUS. THE EMPEROR WOULD BE PROUD.
No. 185992
ALL RIGHT, I'M ACTUALLY GONNA CALL IT HERE AND TRY TO GET THIS DONE BEFORE THE LAST GODDAMN MINUTE. PILLOW FIGHTAN WINS OUT OVER FAN WEDGIE + PILLOW BEATING BY A VOTE, BUT MAYBE I'LL DO BOTH ANYWAY, BECAUSE FUCK IT THE LATTER SOUNDS FUN AND I'M THE ONE WRITING THIS ANYWAY

>>185979

YOU DON'T FUCKING OWN ME, CUNTFACE

BUT YES I AM GOING TO WORK ANYWAY


>>185980

I GET WHAT YOU MEAN, MOTHERFUCKER

>>185984
>>185988

THANKS

NOW ENOUGH DICK-STROKING BULLSHIT I HAVE AN UPDATE TO WRITE
No. 185994
>>185978
I THINK IT'S PRETTY GREAT BUT I JUST WANT TO POINT OUT ONE SMALL THING: YOU KIND OF HAVE TO BE CAREFUL TO STICK TO CARTOON VIOLENCE OR IT CAN GET REALLY CREEPY REAL FAST.

LIKE THE PART WHERE RIN GOT HIT AND JUST FELL DOWN AND CRIED. THAT WASN'T FUNNY AT ALL, IT JUST FELT LIKE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

OTHER THAN THAT IT'S BEEN OKAY, JUST SOMETHING TO WATCH OUT FOR.
No. 185995
>>185994
I SECOND THIS NOTION
No. 185996
>>185994

WHAT THIS GUY SAID. MASSIVE VIOLENCE IS OKAY, AS LONG AS DONE COMICALLY, AND WITH A TOTAL DISDAIN FOR SOCIETAL NORMS. LIKE BEATING SOMEONE SENSELESS WITH A FUCKING POWER-PILLOW.
No. 185997
>>185994
I FOR ONE THINK IT IMPORTANT THAT SOMETIMES WE GET A VIEW OF THE REALITY THAT THE HERETICS AND OTHER INSUFFICIENTLY ANGRY TYPES LIVE IN. In all seriousness it gives the quest greater depth if there are glimpses into the realities of our actions. The protagonist is a deranged super-soldier who's primary mode of communication is violence. That is a good recipe for comedy, but it is also rather terrifying. I think the QM has done a great job of mostly focusing on the comedy while not forgetting the darker aspects.
No. 185999
THREAD TWO, COCKSICKLES! >>185998

>>185994
>>185995
>>185996

HMM. YES, I SEE WHAT YOU ALL MEAN. THERE IS A PRETTY BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PUNCHING A FAGGOT THROUGH A WALL AND JUST SLAPPING A BITCH UNTIL SHE CRIES, FOR EXAMPLE. THE FIRST ONE IS HELLA RAD. THE SECOND ONE IS JUST KIND OF BORING.

>>185997

ON THE OTHER HAND YOU ALSO RAISE A GOOD POINT. BUT I BELIEVE THERE ARE WAYS TO PROPERLY EXPRESS EVERY LAST OUNCE OF RAGE WITHOUT GOING INTO STUPID FUCKING GRIMDARK LEVELS.


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