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 No. 193855
File 148761140983.png - (726.56KB, 828x896, FISTS FULLA FUCK.png) [iqdb]
193855
THREAD ONE: >>185269
THREAD TWO: >>185998
THREAD THREE: >>186634

OKAY, REAL TALK FOR A MINUTE BEFORE I GET STARTED.

CLEARLY I CANNOT FINISH ANYTHING UNLESS I HAVE A DEADLINE ON MY ASS EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. THAT'S WHY I'M PUTTING A SWORD OVER MY NECK FOR THIS.

I WILL PUT OUT AN UPDATE EVERY DAY UNTIL THIS TALE IS FINISHED. IF I MISS A DAY, I'M KILLING THE STORY RIGHT THERE.

WE'RE IN GODDAMN SUDDEN DEATH NOW, FOLKS. UPDATES WILL PROBABLY BE SMALL. THEY WILL LIKELY BE SHIT. BUT BY THE EMPEROR, I'M GETTING THEM OUT OR I'M GOING TO DIE TRYING.

BUT THEN, THAT WAS HOW THIS WORKED WHEN WE STARTED, ISN'T IT?

HERE WE GO.
_________

“OKAY HERE'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO,” you say, tossing Kisume the bucket witch over your shoulder. “I GOT ME ONE TINY MUTANT, AND NOW I'M GOING TO GET ME ANOTHER MUTANT. SPECIFICALLY, YOU. THE ONE I AM POINTING AT. DO NOT RESIST.”

Your latest foe takes a step back, eyeing up potential escape routes. “Right. I see where this is going.”

“YOUR ASS ON MY SHOULDER, YEP.”

She shakes her head. “Nope. No. Nah. I do not approve.”

You take a MIGHTY STEP forward, cracks spreading through the ground at your point of impact. “WHY THE FUCK YOU GOTTA MAKE THIS DIFFICULT.”

“I really would rather not get mauled by a shouty golden giant, that's why.”

“FUCKING GOD, NO, THE FUCK-” You slap a hand against your helmet in exasperation. “CLEARLY YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO, DUMBASS. IF I WANTED TO MAUL YOU, I'D ALREADY BE BEATING YOU WITH THE DWARF.” You pick Kisume back up and wave her around demonstratively.

“Yamame?” she says, dangling upside-down in your grip and generally sounding extremely sad about her position in life. “This is the worst.”

“STOP SABOTAGING MY RECRUITMENT EFFORTS BEFORE I GRAB YOUR ENTIRE HEAD AGAIN,” you tell her, and she squeaks in entirely justified terror before you toss her back onto your huge shoulder once more.

Yamame, for that is evidently her name, takes another step back, her fists balling up as she levels a scowl at you. “See, I don't approve of how you treat her, and I'm pretty sure you'd do the same stuff to me!”

“LOOK, I TAKE VERY GOOD CARE OF ALL MY EMPEROR-DAMN SERVANTS, THANK YOU VERY FUCKING MUCH, OKAY? NOW STOP BUSTING MY BALLS -NOT LITERALLY, THANK THE EMPEROR- BEFORE I UPGRADE MY ANGER FROM MAD TO FUCKING PISSED.

“This shoulder is a scary and loud place to be,” says Kisume.

“WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST TELL YOU?” you ask her, before grabbing her ENTIRE HEAD again, because you warned her about talking and she already fucked it up.

There is a scream from her. It is muffled.

“...Excuse me just a bit,” says Yamame, and then she makes the mistake of turning to RUN AWAY, like a COWARD.

“FUCK IT ENOUGH WORDS” you declare, and then leap at her, hollering wordlessly.

Yamame spares a look over her shoulder. “Shiiiii-

She dives away from you in a weird tumble-somersault as you fly at her, and, when she's head-over-heels and your outstretched fist is about to grab her by the entire skull, something shoots out of her skirt- AND THEN SHE FUCKING SPIDER-THREADS HERSELF UP TOWARDS THE CEILING AS YOU FACEPLANT.

FUCKING SPIDERS GIMME A BREAK NO WONDER YOU HAVE A HUGE ASS,” you holler, your words muffled by the fact you're digging a furrow through the rock with your face. By the time you come to a stop and roll over, Yamame's clinging to the ceiling by virtue of the SPIDER LEGS that have sprouted from her back. “FUCKING SPIDERS,” you say again, seeing as you have nothing else to express your feelings appropriately.

“I think discretion's better for my health here!” says Yamame, and then she scuttles away like a TOTAL BITCH.

Whyyyyyyyyyy” sobs the midget, abandoned in this most dire time to her fate as SHOULDER-WARMER.

“SHIT, WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME, I'M NOT THE ONE RUNNING AWAY LIKE A PANSY.” And because you're not a pansy, you're already up with all due quickness, the better to storm after Yamame and give her the Emperor's Elbow Drop – when a scream announces her hasty, scuttling return across the ceiling.

And then there is quite a lot of shouting as a tide of fairies pour out after her, one rallying cry echoing through the tunnels above all.

“YESWEDO LIFTIMUUUUUUUUUS”

“WELL HOLY FUCK,” you say, as the swarm of angry midgets wash over the spider-bitch and drag her from the ceiling, hollering all the while as they submerge her in bodies. “YOU LITTLE SHITS ACTUALLY DID SOMETHING USEFUL.”

One fairy, pretty much generic as they come, splits from the crowd to stop in front of you and salute. “We saw someone running away and figured you were probably responsible! Because you're really loud all the time and we definitely heard you before we saw her!”

“THIS IS NOT INACCURATE. GOOD WORK.” You reach down and pat her on the head. “ALSO I NOTICED YOU MISSED SOMETHING WHEN YOU ADDRESSED ME.”

“Oh, right!” She salutes with her other hand, too, which just looks MAJORLY STUPID but at least she's trying. “Sorry, Master Evenliftimus!”

“OKAY THERE YOU GO. GET BACK TO CLOBBERING THE WENCH.” You spin her around, pick her up by the skull, and lob your minion into the pile of other minions.

“Thanks, boss!” is her merry reply before she's submerged in a sea of fairies.

RADICAL. You're forced to wonder where the REST OF YOUR ENTOURAGE is at and chalk their disappearance up to THE DEMANDS OF SCREENTIME. PAGETIME?

FUCK THE FOURTH WALL IN ANY CASE, PROBABLY.

ANYWAY.

Yamame is dragged before you after a pounding most severe. She looks pretty upset about all of this, which makes sense, considering.

“SUP AGAIN,” you say by way of greeting.

“I hate you so much,” she replies, deadpan.

You nod, feeling pretty good about that. “I APPROVE. USE THAT HATE. IT'LL MAKE YA SWOLE.”

Yamameeeeeeeee...” weeps the bucket-dwarf.

----------

Do you have ANYTHING TO SAY?

[X] NOPE, FUCK THIS, MOVING ON, THE HUGE-ASSED SPIDER IS ALREADY YOURS AND KNOWS IT

[X] IMPRESS UPON HER THE BENEFITS OF SERVING YOU THROUGH PANTOMIME AND DWARF-PUPPETS

[X] PAT HER HEAD. YES THIS IS NOT WORDS BUT FUCK IT YOU'RE A MARINE ON THE EDGE

[X] WRITE-IN?
 No. 193856
[X] PAT HER HEAD. YES THIS IS NOT WORDS BUT FUCK IT YOU'RE A MARINE ON THE EDGE

Never not headpats.
 No. 193857
HAHAHAHAHAHA FUCK, THE FIRST TIME I SUBMITTED THIS THREAD IT DIDN'T ACTUALLY GO THROUGH, AND THEN I FORGOT TO PUT THE THREAD NAME IN THE SUBJECT BAR THE SECOND TIME I TRIED

THIS BODES WELL
 No. 193860
>>193857

At a glance, I thought this was a transformers story starting up.

I need glasses, it seems.

Glad to see this make a return! Always did love this story.
 No. 193863
[X] PAT HER HEAD. YES THIS IS NOT WORDS BUT FUCK IT YOU'RE A MARINE ON THE EDGE
 No. 193865
[X] PAT HER HEAD. YES THIS IS NOT WORDS BUT FUCK IT YOU'RE A MARINE ON THE EDGE

THIS IS THE FIRST STEP FOR HER TO BECOME A LOYAL SUBJECT OF THE EMPEROR.
 No. 193866
[X] IMPRESS UPON HER THE BENEFITS OF SERVING YOU THROUGH PANTOMIME AND DWARF-PUPPETS

Head patting is nice and all but when are we going to get dwarf-puppets again?

>IF I MISS A DAY, I'M KILLING THE STORY RIGHT THERE.
Isn't that a sword over our necks rather than yours?
 No. 193868
[X] PAT HER HEAD. YES THIS IS NOT WORDS BUT FUCK IT YOU'RE A MARINE ON THE EDGE

DO NOT OVERDO. I REPEAT. DO NOT OVERDO. WE SHALL NOT BAD END HERE.
 No. 193870
oh shit waddup it's the SLOW MOTHERFUCKER

>1 update per day

AND WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO CALL VOTES? MAKE IT TWO, SHITNUGGET

[X] Give Kisume the chance to BAIL LIKE A BITCH AND LEAVING HER FRIEND TO ROT like Asspider did.
-[x] If she MANS UP and stays GUILT TRIP her BIG ASS ASS into staying.
-[x] If she bails, grab her ass and GUILT TRIP THE SPIDER ANYWAY

So it is either "Look, your friend isn't a bitch ass like yourself. You don't deserve her" or "You two deserve each other. You have nothing left but the emperor"
 No. 193875
>>193866

WELL TO BE HONEST, WE ALL KNOW BY NOW HOW CONSISTENT I AM. THIS THING MIGHT AS FUCKIN' WELL BE DEAD IF I MISS AN UPDATE AND DISAPPEAR AGAIN. PLUS I ACTUALLY DO KIND OF LIKE WRITING THIS, GLACIAL PACE ASIDE, AND I'D RATHER NOT SHUT IT DOWN, Y'KNOW.

IT'S LIKE THE CONTEST RULES WHEN I STARTED THIS, EXCEPT THE STAKES ARE HIGHER.

I WOULD PROMISE I WOULDN'T FUCK UP BUT I HAVE THIS NASTY HABIT OF THEN FUCKING UP ONCE I PROMISE NOT TO, SO I WON'T.

>>193870

YOU'LL TAKE YOUR ONE UPDATE A DAY, NO MATTER HOW TINY OR SHITTY, AND YOU WILL FUCKING ENJOY IT, YOU NERD
 No. 193877
[X] PAT HER HEAD. YES THIS IS NOT WORDS BUT FUCK IT YOU'RE A MARINE ON THE EDGE

Y'know, I'm kinda impressed that Evenliftimus didn't accidentaly turn that generic fairy into FUCKING THIN RED MIST with his MOTHERUCKING GODBLESSED POWERFISTS but whatever, patting is always cute.
 No. 193879
YES. YEEESSS! IT'S BEEN SO LONG. IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER YOU LAZY FUCK.
[X] IMPRESS UPON HER THE BENEFITS OF SERVING YOU THROUGH PANTOMIME AND DWARF-PUPPETS
[X] PAT HER HEAD. YES THIS IS NOT WORDS BUT FUCK IT YOU'RE A MARINE ON THE EDGE
DOUBLE VOTES FOR DOUBLE ANGRY
 No. 193880
[X] PAT HER HEAD. YES THIS IS NOT WORDS BUT FUCK IT YOU'RE A MARINE ON THE EDGE

HEADPATS. ENOUGH SAID.
 No. 193882
[X] PAT HER HEAD. YES THIS IS NOT WORDS BUT FUCK IT YOU'RE A MARINE ON THE EDGE

YES! YES! YES!
 No. 193884
[X] PAT HER HEAD. YES THIS IS NOT WORDS BUT FUCK IT YOU'RE A MARINE ON THE EDGE
 No. 193886
[X] PAT HER HEAD. YES THIS IS NOT WORDS BUT FUCK IT YOU'RE A MARINE ON THE EDGE
DAMMIT MARINE, I THOUGHT THIS DIED. YET HERE I AM, DRAWN BACK INTO THIS GLORIOUS CONQUEST IN THE NAME OF THE EMPEROR. I BELIEVE IN YOU, YA LITTLE SHIT, NOW LET'S DO THIS.
 No. 193889
[X] PAT HER HEAD. YES THIS IS NOT WORDS BUT FUCK IT YOU'RE A MARINE ON THE EDGE

headpatsheadpatsheadpats
 No. 193892
OKAY, COOL, CALLING IT HERE FOR PRIMARILY HEADPATS. THERE MAY BE DWARF PUPPETRY TOO WHO KNOWS.

KEEP THE MOMENTUM RUNNIN', THAT'S THE GODDAMN KEY.

>>193877

WHILE ANGER IS A PERMANENT PART OF DOYOU'S OUTLOOK ON EVERYTHING, IT MEANS NOTHING WITHOUT A TINY BIT OF RESTRAINT AND THE ABILITY TO REMEMBER THAT YOUR POWER FISTS DON'T NEED TO BE ON ALL THE TIME BECAUSE OF FRIENDLY FIRE.

THIS IS DOUBLE IMPORTANT IN THE CASE OF HEADPATS BEING DOLED OUT.
 No. 193895
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193895
“GATHER ROUND, MY DISCIPLES OF HUGENESS,” you say, which seems kind of unnecessary considering the fairy army's already got eyes on you. Still, they fall into place around you nonetheless. “BEHOLD OUR TWO NEWEST ADDITIONS; BUCKET SLUT AND HUGE ASS.” You heft Kisume up for all to see, the squat dangling helplessly as she keeps crying. “SAY HELLO.”

“HIIIIIIIIII!” comes their thunderous reply, leaving your two prisoners clutching their ears.

“FUCK ME,” you say, “THAT ALMOST HURT TO LISTEN TO. PRACTICE THAT SOME TIME WHEN I'M NOT AROUND SO WE CAN WEAPONIZE IT.”

They salute en masse. “AYE, SIR!”

THAT'S MY GIRLS!” you say, almost feeling something akin to pride for the tiny tards. Kisume is slung over your shoulder once again, still leaving the spider to deal with.

“You are such a dick,” says Yamame, apparently lacking in FUCKS TO GIVE after being brought low by fairies.

“I HAVE NEVER DENIED THIS,” you reply, glowering down at her. “BUT AT LEAST I'M NOT A FUCKIN' COWARD LIKE YOU. WHAT KINDA BITCH RUNS OFF WHEN A FRIEND NEEDS HELP?”

Her glower doesn't falter a bit. “Easy for you to say, you-”

“WHEN A BUDDY'S IN TROUBLE, YA GOTTA HELP HIM OUT SO YOU CAN GIVE THE FAGOLA SHIT FOR IT LATER, DUH!”

Yamame blinks. “What.”

“BUT YOU DIDN'T EVEN TRY, DID YOU? AND YOU KNOW WHAT COWARDLY SHITS GET?” You raise a mighty powerfist, letting it crackle overhead, the fairy brigade's eyes fixated on it. “ACCEPT THIS TOKEN OF MY DISPLEASURE!”

“Oh fu-” says Yamame, and then your fist crashes into the top of her head.

EXCEPT

“HEADPATSSSSSSSSSSSSS,” you hiss, having DEACTIVATED your fist again and slowed it down right before impact, the better to not explode her entire skull.

oh my word,” says Yamame, who has gone very pale indeed as your massive fingers run through her hair.

“IT MUST BE TERRIBLE INDEED TO RECEIVE THIS FROM ONE YOU DESPISE,” you say, your hand going up and down, up and down.

Every touch sets her to shivering, and she starts tearing up, all defiance gone. “N-no, you can't-”

“I GODDAMN DARE YOU TO STOP ME, SPIDER-BITCH.”

“This shouldn't-” She wheezes for breath, squeezing her eyes shut as she hunches over on herself, spidery limbs retracting inside her body once more. “Oh, gods, it shouldn't feel l-l-like-

Pat pat, pat pat, pat pat, and on it goes. “REJOICE, FOR FEW EVER GET TO FEEL THE TOUCH OF AN EMPEROR'S ANGEL LIKE THIS.”

Her hands come up to her cheeks, her whole body shaking as you dole out more and more headpats. “S-so- so- aah-aahnnn...~

You freeze. “...ARE. ARE YOU GETTING OFF ON THIS?”

Her face is flushed, her panting is harsh and loud, her eyes are hazy-

“HOLY FUCK YOU ARE.” You yank your hand back, leaving her to topple without your mighty grip to steady her.

“Haaaaah...” she breathes out, twitching on the stony ground, a fuckin' SMILE on her lips.

The sight fills you with disgust, and you respond to it by yanking Kisume off your shoulder and holding her face-to-face with you. “YOU KNOW THIS BITCH, YEAH?”

“Y-yes? Yes.” The squat nods, quivering as your red eyes bore into hers.

“COOL. DID I-” You look at Yamame again. “...ACTUALLY YOU KNOW WHAT, NEVER MIND, I DON'T WANNA FUCKING KNOW IF SHE'S GOT A HEAD-VAGINA OR SOMETHING THAT I JUST STIMULATED. AT THIS RATE EVERYTHING IS LEWD AND DEGENERATE AND I HATE ALL OF IT.”

Kisume, meanwhile, keeps side-eyeing the fallen Yamame, her gaze filled with terror as it flicks between you and the wench.

“...YOU KNOW IF YOU KEEP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT I'M GONNA THINK YOU WANT SOME TOO.”

Oh jeez,” she says, trying to shield her face with her arms.

“OH JEEZ INDEED YOU LITTLE SHORTSTACK IDIOT-”

“Master Evenliftimus?” says a fairy, her face red. “Um.”

You remember that you have AN AUDIENCE that are all STARING AT YOU. “YES HELLO.”

“Are you- are you giving out more headpats?” asks the fairy, an unhealthy gleam in her eye.

You slowly look at the trembling, anticipatory swarm of fairies all around you. “...OH NO. OH FUCK. OH NO OH FUCK OH NO.”

“Oh, yesssssss,” she breathes out, taking a shaking step towards you.

And then all the rest of them do the same, terrible lust in their eyes.

“I THINK I MAY HAVE GONE TOO FAR,” you tell Kisume, who just nods silently.
__________

[X] SUCCUMB, FOR THERE IS NO WAY OUT OF THIS NOW, YOU DAMNED FOOL

[X] GRAB YOUR TWO NEW BITCHES AND RUN FOR THE SURFACE, MARINE – MAKING THE LITTLE GITS CHASE YOU WILL BURN THROUGH THEIR ENERGY AND THEN THEY'RE SURE TO COME TO THEIR SENSES

[X] BEAT SOME SENSE INTO ALL OF THEM. SURE, THIS'LL PROBABLY THIN THE HERD OUT A BUNCH BUT FAIRIES ARE ALL PRETTY USELESS ANYWAY AND YOU CAN GET MORE PROBABLY
 No. 193896
[X] EXPLAIN WHY HEADPATS ARE ONLY FOR THE BEST OF THE BEST RARE.

LOOK AT THIS FUCKING SPIDER. ONE ROUND OF HEADPATS FROM A MARINE AND SHE'S PRACTICALLY MELTED.

NOW THAT THE EXAMPLE HAS BEEN SET...

(Now we'll have fairies trying to WIN YOUR FAVOR and COMPETING FOR HEADPATS, becoming a little more COMPETENT as a result. Of course, teaching them all about how FOUL PLAY IS BULLSHIT and NO FRIENDLY FIRE should come later. But one step at a time.)

((You have no fucking clue how happy I am to see this NOT DEAD)
 No. 193897
[X] EXPLAIN WHY HEADPATS ARE ONLY FOR THE BEST OF THE BEST RARE.

REWARDS FOR THE FAITHFUL.
 No. 193898
[X] SUCCUMB, FOR THERE IS NO WAY OUT OF THIS NOW, YOU DAMNED FOOL

HEADPATS END NOW.
 No. 193899
[X] EXPLAIN WHY HEADPATS ARE ONLY FOR THE BEST OF THE BEST RARE.
 No. 193901
[X] EXPLAIN WHY HEADPATS ARE ONLY FOR THE BEST OF THE BEST RARE.

THE TERRIBLE POWER OF HEADPATS MUST BE MODERATED AND DISTRIBUTED WITH CLEAR AND TEMPERATE CONSIDERATION BEFOREHAND
 No. 193903
[x] RUN LIKE A BITCH

IN THE GRIM DARKNESS OF THE FUTURE, ARMIES ARE FUELED BY HIPOCRISY
 No. 193904
[X] EXPLAIN WHY HEADPATS ARE ONLY FOR THE BEST OF THE BEST RARE.
- [X] TO EMPHASIZE, PAT BOSS FAIRY

remembered there was one fucking fairy that distinguished itself, if we make it the alpha through headpatting others will try to emulate its boss-ness.
 No. 193905
[X] EXPLAIN WHY HEADPATS ARE ONLY FOR THE BEST OF THE BEST RARE.
- [X] TO EMPHASIZE, PAT BOSS FAIRY

>>193904
FANTASTIC IDEA
 No. 193906
[X] EXPLAIN WHY HEADPATS ARE ONLY FOR THE BEST OF THE BEST RARE.
- [X] TO EMPHASIZE, PAT BOSS FAIRY

DO THEY TAKE US FOR SOME KIND OF HEADPAT WHORE? I WOULD BE OFFENDED IF MY BODY COULD FEEL ANYTHING OTHER THAN HATRED.
 No. 193907
[X] EXPLAIN WHY HEADPATS ARE ONLY FOR THE BEST OF THE BEST RARE.
- [X] TO EMPHASIZE, PAT BOSS FAIRY

I can get behind this if only because never not headpats.
 No. 193911
[X] EXPLAIN WHY HEADPATS ARE ONLY FOR THE BEST OF THE BEST RARE.
- [X] TO EMPHASIZE, PAT BOSS FAIRY

HEADPATS ARE NOT CANDY TO BE GIVEN OUT TO ANYONE.
 No. 193914
[X] EXPLAIN WHY HEADPATS ARE ONLY FOR THE BEST OF THE BEST RARE.
- [X] TO EMPHASIZE, PAT BOSS FAIRY
In following with THP tradition, WEAPONIZE HEADPATS
 No. 193925
IT MAY BE A FORMALITY AT THIS POINT BUT I'MMA JUST CALL IT HERE FOR EXPLAINING WHAT HEADPATS ARE FOR AND DELIVERING THEM TO THE BEST AMONG THE FAIRIES, FOR THIS IS AN APPROPRIATE REACTION TO HAVE WHEN FACED WITH A HORDE OF LUSTY MIDGETS

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, IT MIGHT JUST BE GENIUS ENOUGH TO WORK
 No. 193936
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193936
You could fight.

You could run (LIKE A BITCH).

You could just let it happen.

…BUT YOU'RE DOYOU-FUCKING-EVENLIFTIMUS, AND YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LET A HORDE OF MIDGET SKANKS GO ALL SLAANESHI WITHOUT YELLING SOME RIGHTEOUS SENSE INTO THEM.

“NO. NO. HOLD THE FUCK UP.” You fling Kisume aside, bowling over a bunch of fairies before you set to cracking your knuckles. “SETTLE YOUR ASSES DOWN, IT'S-”

That one fairy with the BOSS FOREHEAD pounces, and then the rest of them are on you a moment later.

HOW GODDAMN DARE YOU DO THIS!?” you bellow, with a fresh coating of zombie fairy on every available surface of your armor. There is clearly only one proper solution to all of this HORRID INSUBORDINATION, and it is VIOLENCE. With WORDS. You amp your vox up. “IF YOU DON'T GET OFF ME RIGHT THIS SECOND, NONE OF YOU WILL EVER RECEIVE ANYTHING FROM ME BESIDES A RIGHTEOUS POUNDING.

Your auditory assault succeeds in bowling over pretty much everyone, the fairies who had boarded you leaping off to try and escape your massively amplified voice. The caves shake, rocks falling from the ceiling, fissures forming beneath you, but thankfully the place stops breaking apart after a few more seconds, even if you do have to punch a falling stalactite into powder before it squashes a minion. Everyone except you is now miserably clutching their ears on the ground, which serves the bitches RIGHT. The one with BOSS written on her forehead is dazed atop the rest, so you grab her and hoist her overhead.

“BITCHES, ATTENTION!” you declare, at a volume that would almost be considered reasonable. Once they're actually looking at you, after getting used to bleeding fairy dust from the ears, you shake the moron supreme about. “DO YOU TAKE ME FOR SOME KIND OF HEADPAT WHORE, JUST GIVING IT OUT TO ANYONE WHO ASKS? NO, AND GO FUCK YOURSELF IF YOU THOUGHT SO. HEADPATS GO TO THE BEST.” To demonstrate, you pat BOSS on the head. She giggles, and the rest of the fairies glare at her with undisguised jealousy. “WHILE I CANNOT APPROVE OF BEING ASSAULTED, THIS LITTLE BITCH HAD THE FUCKIN' COURAGE TO JUMP ME FIRST. YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK OF WHAT SHE DID?”

One fairy lifts a hand from the floor. “She did good?”

You dive onto the ground, leaving your head right in front of hers. “NO, IT WAS FUCKING RETARDED.” The tiny girl is flung across the floor from the force of your yelling DIRECTLY INTO HER FACE. “GRANTED, A GOOD KIND OF RETARDED. OGRYN RETARDED.”

“Ogryn?” asks another, wisely scooting away from you.

You push yourself up again and wave the question off. “DOESN'T MATTER, WHAT DOES IS THAT SHE HAD THE METAPHORICAL BALLS TO SMACK ME ONE. UNLESS SHE'S GOT LITERAL BALLS, BUT I THINK I CAN SPOT A TRAP WHEN ONE'S PRESENT, THANKS.”

BOSS raises a hand. “U-um-”

DO NOT. TELL ME. IF YOU ARE ACTUALLY A DUDE. I DO NOT ACTUALLY WANT TO KNOW.

BOSS lowers a hand. “Okay...”

“FUCK ME NOW I'M SUSPECTING AND THAT'S ALMOST AS BAD.” You shake your head, refocusing on what ACTUALLY MATTERS here. “WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS THIS.” You DELIVER UNTO BOSS a HEADPAT MOST EXTREME...LY GENTLE.

The little shit goes limp the moment you do this. “Nyaaaahahahahh...~”

“SEE, THIS LITTLE BITCH IS ALREADY FUCKIN' MELTING. LIKE SPIDERBITCH OVER THERE.” You point at Yamame, whose leg can be seen sticking out of a fairy pile. “BUT HERE, THIS IS A REWARD FOR SHIT DONE WELL. IT IS NOT SOMETHING THAT I WILL JUST LET YOU HAVE WITHOUT EARNING IT, YOU DUMB SLUTS. TO DO THAT WOULD NOT ONLY BE AN INSULT TO ME, BUT IT WOULD DISHONOR ALL OF YOU AS WELL!”

Another fairy raises her hand. “I don't get it.”

“IF YOU DON'T EARN THE HEADPATS, HOW WILL YOU EVER APPRECIATE THEM?”

She scratches her chin, considering this. “...Ooooh!”

You spin around and around, waving the BOSS at all the rest of these goons. “SEE, THAT NERD GETS IT, I DON'T KNOW WHY THE REST OF YOU AREN'T GETTING IT.”

You STOP spinning when you spy an ELDAR BITCH leading the convoy of NON-FAIRIES towards you, a position she seems to have taken by virtue of Ms. Sunshine marching her onwards at rod-point. You could probably make some kind of dick joke here but you are a BETTER MARINE THAN THAT. Parsee halts once she closes in, the better to glare at the admittedly UNFORTUNATE scene around you. “...What kinda fuckin' degeneracy have we stumbled in on now?”

“THE RESULTS OF MY LESSONS, YOU DEAF CUNTS.” You set the BOSS down, where she promptly falls over. “I THINK IT TURNED OUT WELL.”

“We heard!” says Sunshine, before sticking a finger in her ear and working at it. “Yyyyep, that's some tinnitus!”

“HEARING DAMAGE IS BUT A SIGN THAT I HAVE PROPERLY DELIVERED MY MESSAGE TO ALL WHO MUST RECEIVE IT. ALSO WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?”

“We got lost!” says BEST CUDGEL, before a rock falls from the ceiling and bounces off her thick skull. “Somehow!”

“SAYS THE CAVE PERSON WHO LIVES IN THIS HERE UNDERGROUND SHITHOLE. A-FUCKIN'-MAZING.” You honestly aren't even surprised by anything at this point. “NOW HOLD UP I GOT SOME NEWFAGS TO GRAB.”

“New-what?” asks Big Papa, looking rather perturbed by all this.

You ignore him to yank a still-dazed SPIDER WHORE free of the fairy-pile, sling her over one massive pauldron, and then repeat the process with the BUCKET WENCH. This done, you swivel about to point a huge finger at the onlooking dumbass brigade. “OKAY I THINK THAT'S ALL YOUR TOKEN REACTIONS TO REMIND ME THAT YOU EXIST OUT OF THE WAY, SO, MOVING ON!”

“What about mine?” asks Suika, scowling at being forgotten.

“SEE, YA JUST DID IT FOR YOURSELF, GOOD JOB. OKAY FOR REAL LET'S GO NOW THOUGH.” You ignore any further distractions as you spin about again and take off at a SPEEDY JOG.

YOU'RE FINALLY GETTING OUT OF HERE.

IT'S ACTUALLY HAPPENING.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DOWN HERE, BY THE EMPEROR?
___________

You break out into Emperor-blessed SUNLIGHT. And not sunlight from a weird underground sun, but an actual, up-in-the-blue-sky SUN, that shines down on an ENTIRELY UNPOLLUTED LAND that has no right to look as pretty as it does.

“HELL TO THE FUCK YEAH,” you say, surveying the world from your vantage point of A HILL, surrounded by your EVER-GROWING entourage. There's a LOT of shit around here, but you're focused on one thing right now: PUNCHING YUKARI. And also SPREADING THE EMPEROR'S WORD YOU SUPPOSE but the first thing's a priority here before you get sidetracked again.
__________

THERE IS A VARIETY OF DESTINATIONS AVAILABLE TO YOU EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE NOT DESCRIBED IN THE TEXT ABOVE, BECAUSE PFFF, WHAT KIND OF NERDS NEED SHIT DESCRIBED TO THEM LIKE THAT?

[X] WHAT HO, THAT YONDER VILLAGE SURROUNDED BY FARMS AND ALSO FULL OF DUDES SEEMS LIKE AN EXCELLENT PLACE TO INVESTIGATE. SURELY AT LEAST ONE DUDE MUST KNOW HOW TO FIND THE GAP BITCH

[X] WHAT KIND OF ASSHOLE PAINTS THEIR WHOLE MANSION RED, FUCKIN' SERIOUSLY. WHAT ARE THEY, BLOOD RAVENS? THIS SHIT'S SO POMPOUS THEY GOTTA KNOW ABOUT THE SNOOTY PURPLE BITCH, JUST BY ASSOCIATION

[X] YOU KNOW WHERE SHIFTY GITS HIDE? FORESTS. YOU KNOW WHAT SHIFTY GITS HAVE? INFORMATION. HOPEFULLY ON HOW TO FIND A HAG FOR PUNCHING

[X] YOUR MIGHTY MARINE EYES SPY A LOCATION NOT LISTED ABOVE [WRITE IT IN]

-----

FUN FACT: I POSTED THE LAST UPDATE AT LIKE THREE IN THE MORNING. SO BASICALLY THAT LEFT THAT ENTIRE DAY FREE FOR ME. IT HAS BEEN MORE THAN TWENTY-FOUR HOURS SINCE THAT UPDATE BUT TECHNICALLY NO MORE THAN A DAY HAS PASSED. IT'S CHEATY AS FUCK, BUT I'M STILL IN THIS, AND I STILL HAVEN'T MISSED AN UPDATE.

HA.
 No. 193937
[X] YOU KNOW WHERE SHIFTY GITS HIDE? FORESTS. YOU KNOW WHAT SHIFTY GITS HAVE? INFORMATION. HOPEFULLY ON HOW TO FIND A HAG FOR PUNCHING
 No. 193938
>>193936
[X] YOUR MIGHTY MARINE EYES SPY A LOCATION NOT LISTED ABOVE [WRITE IT IN]
-WHAT KIND OF FAG PLANTS A FIELD OF ONLY SUNFLOWERS?

By the Emperor, we've done it.
We've done what no other THP story has ever accomplished.
We've made it out of the underground.
 No. 193939
[X] YOU KNOW WHERE SHIFTY GITS HIDE? FORESTS. YOU KNOW WHAT SHIFTY GITS HAVE? INFORMATION. HOPEFULLY ON HOW TO FIND A HAG FOR PUNCHING

'GET LOST' to find Yukari seems like a cheaty writein, but I guess stumbling into a magical forest gives the same effect.
 No. 193940
>>193939
WELL FUCK THIS VOTE, CHANGING IT TO
>>193938
 No. 193941
Meh, sure.


[X] YOUR MIGHTY MARINE EYES SPY A LOCATION NOT LISTED ABOVE [WRITE IT IN]
-WHAT KIND OF FAG PLANTS A FIELD OF ONLY SUNFLOWERS?
 No. 193942
[x] Blood ravens mansion
 No. 193943
[X] YOUR MIGHTY MARINE EYES SPY A LOCATION NOT LISTED ABOVE.
- [x] THERE APPEARS TO BE SOME KIND OF TEMPLE OR WHATEVERTHEFUCK SET UP NEAR THAT VILLAGE. EMPRAH KNOWS WHAT SORT OF HERESY MIGHT NEED FISTING TO DEATH THERE.

Myouren. Route. Fuckers.
 No. 193944
[X] YOUR MIGHTY MARINE EYES SPY A LOCATION NOT LISTED ABOVE [WRITE IT IN]
-WHAT KIND OF FAG PLANTS A FIELD OF ONLY SUNFLOWERS?

THIS WILL END IN GLORY OR PAIN

EITHER WAY IT HONORS THE EMPEROR
 No. 193945
[X] WHAT KIND OF ASSHOLE PAINTS THEIR WHOLE MANSION RED, FUCKIN' SERIOUSLY. WHAT ARE THEY, BLOOD RAVENS? THIS SHIT'S SO POMPOUS THEY GOTTA KNOW ABOUT THE SNOOTY PURPLE BITCH, JUST BY ASSOCIATION
 No. 193947
[X] YOUR MIGHTY MARINE EYES SPY A LOCATION NOT LISTED ABOVE [WRITE IT IN]
-WHAT KIND OF FAG PLANTS A FIELD OF ONLY SUNFLOWERS?

THIS IS THE ONLY REASONABLE OPTION AND YOU SURE AS HELL KNOW WHY, YOU FUCKS
 No. 193948
[X] YOUR MIGHTY MARINE EYES SPY A LOCATION NOT LISTED ABOVE [WRITE IT IN]
-WHAT KIND OF FAG PLANTS A FIELD OF ONLY SUNFLOWERS?
 No. 193951
[X] WHAT KIND OF ASSHOLE PAINTS THEIR WHOLE MANSION RED, FUCKIN' SERIOUSLY. WHAT ARE THEY, BLOOD RAVENS? THIS SHIT'S SO POMPOUS THEY GOTTA KNOW ABOUT THE SNOOTY PURPLE BITCH, JUST BY ASSOCIATION
 No. 193953
File 148788273349.jpg - (337.66KB, 578x818, [INTERNAL ANGER].jpg) [iqdb]
193953
“WOW, WHAT KIND OF FAG PLANTS A FIELD OF ONLY SUNFLOWERS?” you ask, pointing at the massive plantation with disgust.

“Uh-” says Suika.

“I'M GONNA GO SMASH IT.”

You can feel the despairing disbelief in her voice. “Why?

“THE KIND OF FAG WHO PLANTS A FIELD OF SUNFLOWERS IS PROBABLY THE KIND OF FAG WHO CAN POINT ME TOWARDS A WITCH IN NEED OF PUNCHING.”

“Boy,” says the Taco Man, “if you wanted to punch a witch, all you have to do is-”

“SHUT UP I'VE ALREADY DECIDED WHAT'S HAPPENING.” You stride off, ignoring any further protests from your party about 'being suicidal' or 'a moron' or whatever it is they're bitching about, because clearly any dandy who is that into flowers poses no real threat to you. Besides, you wanna see them cry BITCH TEARS once you start wrecking shit, as such a NERD deserves.
__________

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiip.

“Aahhh~” I sigh, smiling faintly as I lower my cup of tea and lean back, my sunflowers bending to accommodate me. “Elly, tell me, just what did you mix into this?”

The red-dressed blonde lifts the brim of her hat up, the better to side-eye me from her own bed of flowers. “Every girl has her secrets, Lady Kazami.”

“Aww.” As expected, she abruptly tugs her hat back down to avoid my pout. “Are you trying to break my heart, dear?”

Her little grumbling “Nnngh,” is just adorable.

“Why, keep this up and I might just-” I cut myself off as I feel something smash through the outer edge of the Garden. My eyes snap to the point of impact – and the massive golden man sprinting uphill, leaving behind a sizable group of people outside the Garden's boundaries as he tears through flowers, absolutely ignoring any existing paths in favor of coming directly at me.

'Mama!'

'Ow!'

'Help!'


The cries of my little lovelies fill my head, far too many abruptly cutting off as this invader rips and tears through them.

My eyelid twitches.

Oh, dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. This just won't do at all.

“Elly?” I say as the dear girl grabs her nearby scythe. “Make yourself ready. We have a guest.”

“As you will it, Lady Kazami.” A thin-lipped frown mars her pretty face as she rises from her bed, before resting her scythe against her shoulder. I, meanwhile, set my teacup aside and take hold of my parasol, while my bed of sunflowers gently lifts me up and deposits me on my feet. I twirl my parasol – offering top-quality protection against UV rays and serving as a handy cudgel – around and around as we await the one responsible for utterly ruining such a lovely day. Elly moves to my side, her grim expression seemingly at odds with my own little smile.

Our guest is not very far at all at this point, and with proximity comes a scream so loud I very nearly wince.

“NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-”

Elly squeezes her eyes shut, scowling.

“-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-”

I could almost swear the earth around me shakes.

“-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERD!

And then he's upon us.

I smile wider.
__________

Who steps forth?

[X] Yuuka, of course. (Pick one.)
-[X] Square my shoulders, dig my boots in, and wait. I'd like to see him try to move me from this spot.
-[X] He would strike me? I'll break whatever he touches me with.
-[X] Fly away now, fly away now, fly awayyyyy~

[X] This one is for Elly to handle. (Pick one.)
-[X] Let her decide how to deal with this on her own.
-[X] “Lacerate him, dear~”
-[X] “Give him the runaround, if you would?”
 No. 193954
It's never a good sign when you take control of the one you're supposed to be fighting.

It reeks of hopelessness.

[X] Yuuka, of course.
-[X] Square my shoulders, dig my boots in, and wait. I'd like to see him try to move me from this spot.
 No. 193956
[X] Yuuka, of course. (Pick one.)
-[X] Square my shoulders, dig my boots in, and wait. I'd like to see him try to move me from this spot.

those legs are about become roots very soon.
 No. 193957
[X] Yuuka, of course.
- [x] "Now, what seems to be the problem here, my cacophonous golden friend?"

Bants before smash.
 No. 193958
[X] Yuuka, of course.
-[X] Square my shoulders, dig my boots in, and wait. I'd like to see him try to move me from this spot.


Rip Doyoueven, we hardly knew you
 No. 193960
[X] Yuuka, of course. (Pick one.)
-[X] Fly away now, fly away now, fly awayyyyy~
 No. 193962
[X] Yuuka, of course.
-[X] Square my shoulders, dig my boots in, and wait. I'd like to see him try to move me from this spot.

IF WE GO OUT WE GO OUT LIKE A FUCKING MAN
 No. 193963
[X] Yuuka, of course.
-[X] Square my shoulders, dig my boots in, and wait. I'd like to see him try to move me from this spot.
 No. 193964
[X] Yuuka, of course.
-[X] Square my shoulders, dig my boots in, and wait. I'd like to see him try to move me from this spot.
 No. 193966
[X] This one is for Elly to handle. (Pick one.)
-[X] Let her decide how to deal with this on her own.
 No. 193967
[X] Yuuka, of course. (Pick one.)
-[X] Square my shoulders, dig my boots in, and wait. I'd like to see him try to move me from this spot.

THOSE WHO MESS WITH FLOWERS WILL GET THEIR JUST DESERTS.
 No. 193968
[X] Yuuka, of course.
-[X] Fly away now, fly away now, fly awayyyyy~

"Why yes, you most certainly are~!"
 No. 193970
[X] Yuuka, of course.
-[X] Square my shoulders, dig my boots in, and wait. I'd like to see him try to move me from this spot.
 No. 193971
[X] Yuuka, of course. (Pick one.)Nah.
-[X] Invite these heathens to praise the sun.
 No. 193972
[X] Yuuka, of course.
-[X] Square my shoulders, dig my boots in, and wait. I'd like to see him try to move me from this spot.
 No. 193973
File 148793955470.png - (1.80MB, 1163x800, tacticalretreat.png) [iqdb]
193973
>>193954
Relax, I'm sure his friends got his back!
 No. 193977
File 148796857231.jpg - (2.93MB, 2000x3000, TONIGHT - DOYOU.jpg) [iqdb]
193977
Before Elly can do something regrettable, I step forward, tapping my parasol against my shoulder. “I know you are, but what am I~?” I tease, leaning forward and gracing him with a pleasant expression.

“SUCK A COCK!” is his elegant reply, before his giant middle finger rams directly into my forehead. The force of the blow is as massive as he is, but while I teeter dangerously far back, boots digging into the dirt to keep me upright... I don't fall.

“Really?” I say, my smile unchanging as I straighten up again, pushing him back inch by inch even with that finger still jammed into my skull. “You are just terribly, terribly rude, sir.”

“...WHAT THE FUCK,” he says, drawing back in momentary confusion. “NORMALLY THAT FLOORS PEOPLE.”

“But not I!” I say, quite cheerily.

He clenches his fist. “AIGHT, GUESS I JUST GOTTA GIVE YA THE FULL POWERFISTIN'. HERE WE GO!”

That gauntlet of his starts to spark and crackle as he hauls back for a real haymaker, but I cut him off with a faint little twitch of my fingers – the signal for a sunflower to rocket towards this ogre of a man and smash into his skull.

EMPEROR'S BOWELS!” he hollers, flipping head-over-boots-over-head as he rockets through the air, hits the ground, and digs his hands and feet into the grass, digging furrows through the ground until he comes to a stop. His head snaps up, red eyes meeting mine. “YOU'RE A TRICKY BITCH, AIN'TCHA? THAT'S FINE. THAT'S OKAY! I'M STILL GONNA POUND YOUR ASS SO HARD YOU'RE GONNA WALK BOWLEGGED FOR YEARS.

“Did-” I need a moment. “...Did you just threaten to rape me?”

He rises, the better to loom menacingly. “...DO I LOOK LIKE SOME KIND OF FUCKIN' SLAANESHI DEGENERATE TO YOU? NO, I'M JUST GONNA SHATTER YOUR PELVIS. WITH MY FISTS.”

I wipe a hand across my forehead, sighing in relief. “Phew. I don't have to break out the toys, then.”

There's a wheezing sound from Elly. “The what-

“OH FUCK ME,” says my foe, recoiling.

“That can be arranged, actually!” I stroll towards him, languidly twirling my umbrella about as I go. “You'd be surprised just how many different-”

“I am learning things I do not wish to know!” says Elly, the dear girl covering her ears.

“AS AM I!” says the giant, clear disgust in his voice. “THANKS FOR GIVING ME YET MORE REASONS TO TOTALLY WRECK YOUR ASS, YOU FLOWERY BITCH.”

“The only posterior that's going to be ruined once we're done here is your own,” I retort. “I'll be sure to select the biggest-”

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT KIND OF DEGENERATE SEX TOYS YOU PLAN TO SHOVE UP MY ASS, YOU GIGANTIC QUEER.”

I pause to consider this, eyebrows creasing together, lips pursing, foot tapping against the grass. “...All right, I'll just kill you then.”

“WAIT WHAT-”
__________

[X] Sunflowers, sunflowers, squeeze the life out of this imbecile.

[X] When was the last time I vaporized someone with a Master Spark? Ooh, too long, too long!

[X] This calls for a more... hands-on approach, I feel.

[X] Something else just occurred to me! [WRITE IT IN]
 No. 193978
[X] When was the last time I vaporized someone with a Master Spark? Ooh, too long, too long!

Don't mess with classics
 No. 193979
As much as I want to pick the hand to hand option to give Doyou at least a chance, the opportunity to see him tossed around like a ragdoll and another visit to The Emperor is just too good to pass up.

[X] When was the last time I vaporized someone with a Master Spark? Ooh, too long, too long!
 No. 193980
[X] Something else just occurred to me!
- [x] I really ought to show this miscreant away from my darlings and then murder him.

We probably shouldn't assume that Doyou isn't going to find some way to dodge. Besides that, think of the collateral damage. Even if he ate it, he'd be laughing all the way to The Emperor if he made Yuuka inadvertently destroy even part of her flowers.
 No. 193981
[X] When was the last time I vaporized someone with a Master Spark? Ooh, too long, too long!

Obviously the only choice that counts.
 No. 193982
[X] When was the last time I vaporized someone with a Master Spark? Ooh, too long, too long!

in b4 a surprise Dual Spark.
 No. 193983
[x] When was the last time I vaporized someone with a Master Spark? Ooh, too long, too long!

zap
 No. 193989
[X] When was the last time I vaporized someone with a Master Spark? Ooh, too long, too long!
 No. 193990
>>193980

We're not an angry marine right now.

Be SMART

[X] be a smart flower.
 No. 193991
>>193990

I should clarify. I'm supporting >>193980

So [X] Something else just occurred to me!
- [x] I really ought to show this miscreant away from my darlings and then murder him.
 No. 193992
[X] Something else just occurred to me!
- [x] I really ought to show this miscreant away from my darlings and then murder him.
 No. 193994
[X] Something else just occurred to me!
- [x] I really ought to show this miscreant away from my darlings and then murder him.
 No. 194006
>20:36

Welp. Guess that's it for the story. RIP in pepperoni.
 No. 194008
File 148808869245.jpg - (286.58KB, 1000x1412, SO FUCKING SMUG.jpg) [iqdb]
194008
Mmm, yes, a good, long Master Spark centered directly on his overgrown skull... that sounds like my kind of good time. But first! Collateral damage is, indeed, a thing. Normally I wouldn't care about it – but normally I'm not vaporizing all my little darlings while I'm at it. And that just won't do.

“Get ready!” I fling my free hand up, and sunflowers burst forth from the earth beneath both my adversary and myself, launching us skyward at tremendous velocity. At the rate we're going, I think we might clear the peak of Youkai Mountain!

THE FUCK IS THIS NOW” screams my foe, flipping helplessly through the air.

“Do you honestly not know a thing about me?” I call back, taking a seat on an imaginary chair, folding one leg over the other, then resting my umbrella against my shoulder. “You stride into my garden, tear up my flowers, and not once stopped to think about how I arranged them all so perfectly? Really, sir! You are a colossal fool!”

He manages to arrest his flipping enough to level his horrid masked glare at me. “I JUST THOUGHT YOU WERE A HUGE, PLAID-WEARING NERD, BUT I SEE NOW THAT YOU ARE A HUGE NERD WITH INCREDIBLY GIRLY SUPERPOWERS.

I open my mouth, pause to consider his words, and then shrug. “...Close enough, I suppose!”

“THANKS, I'M GLAD YOU AGREE.” He thrusts a finger crackling with energy at me. “ALSO I CAN'T HELP BUT NOTICE YOU'RE DOING A DUMB THING, LIKE- WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT. YOU DON'T HAVE A CHAIR. OR ANYTHING TO PROPERLY SIT ON FOR THAT MATTER. IT JUST MAKES YOU LOOK TREMENDOUSLY GAY.”

I chuckle,“Ooh, lighten up~”

“IS THAT A PUN IN REFERENCE TO HOW WE'RE FLYING INTO ORBIT”

“Perhaps it is!”

“I'M ABOUT TO GET FUCKING KILLED BY SOME MAGIC BULLSHIT YOU'VE GOT OR SOMETHING ELSE EQUALLY RETARDED AND YOU'RE CRACKING MISBEGOTTEN PUNS THAT DON'T EVEN MAKE SENSE THE MORE I THINK ABOUT IT. WHY. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS.

“I just wanted to annoy you for a little while before I ended you rightly, what else?” I tilt my head as our ascent slows. “But it appears we're reaching the apex of our great leap, aren't we? That's our timer here before I annihilate you.”

“Y'KNOW YOU COULD MAYBE JUST COME OVER HERE AND I COULD PUNCH YOUR FACE INSTEAD.”

Don't think I don't hear that bit of hope in your voice, sir. “I don't think so!”

“WELL, FUCK, I HAD TO TRY.”

“It was a terrible attempt.”

“GO FUCK YOURSELF.”

We peak.

It's not a smile I flash at him when I bare my teeth, this time. I thrust the tip of my umbrella towards him, focusing, pouring will into it – the tell-tale glow of magical buildup in the point telling me it's just about ready. “And now, you savage, I'm putting an end to-”

I'M GONNA KILL HIM FIRST YOU DICKNOZZLE” hollers one unmistakable Suika Ibuki from below me by way of greeting, right before-

[i]oh, gods help me, i'm not sitting down properly for a while


“HAHA” cackles the giant as I struggle to keep my expression calm, “YOU THOUGHT I HAD NO PLAN, BUT ALL ALONG I'VE BEEN MANEUVERING YOU RIGHT WHERE I WANT YOU TO BE!”
_________

You actually DID NOT plan this shit before you charged in here punching all the shit, because you are IMPULSIVE AND ENRAGED at all times. It's a fortunate thing indeed you have SOME DUMBASSES with more DESIRE TO SEE YOU DEAD BY THEIR OWN HANDS than WILLINGNESS TO LET SOMEONE ELSE DO IT FOR THEM on your side.

Still.

Suika has RAMMED HER HORNS directly into a BITCH'S ASS. You cannot make out the specifics, besides Flower Power's strained expression, but it PROBABLY REALLY HURTS and that's GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

“I HAVE NEED OF YOUR AID IN A PROPER SHIT-WRECKING, YOU LITTLE BOOZEHOUND!” you yell at Suika. “LISTEN CLOSE!”
__________

[X] “SLAM THAT BITCH INTO THE GROUND, AND I'LL GIVE HER THE EMPEROR'S ELBOW DROP. IT WILL BE RAD.”

[X] “FLY ON OVER TO ME, SO THAT I MAY LAY UPON HER A BEATING OF APOCRPYHAL PROPORTIONS.”

[X] “YOU HAVE MY FULL BLESSING TO JUST, YOU KNOW, BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HER. IN EVERY WAY. HAVE FUN.”

[X] “SOMETHING SOMETHING A VAGUE YET AWESOME PLAN JUST OCCURRED TO ME GO DO IT” [WRITE IN]
 No. 194009
>>194006

ACTUALLY I'M IN US CENTRAL TIME SO I HAD ABOUT TWO MINUTES LEFT BEFORE MIDNIGHT AT THE TIME OF THE UPDATE BEING POSTED.

THANKS, INTERNET, FOR CONTINUALLY BEING A SHIT ON ME SO I COULD NOT GET ONTO THP TO ACTUALLY POST THE FUCKING THING UNTIL JUST NOW.

VICTORY IS STILL MINE, TAG FORMATTING ERRORS AND ALL THAT I JUST NOTICED, SON OF A FUCK, MY PROOFREADING CHECK DIDN'T SHOW THAT
 No. 194011
>>194009
Well, good. I guess.

[X] “SLAM THAT BITCH INTO THE GROUND, AND I'LL GIVE HER THE EMPEROR'S ELBOW DROP. IT WILL BE RAD.”
 No. 194012
File 148809345244.jpg - (47.05KB, 1280x720, I_planned_everything.jpg) [iqdb]
194012
[X] “FLY ON OVER TO ME, SO THAT I MAY LAY UPON HER A BEATING OF APOCRPYHAL PROPORTIONS.”
 No. 194013
>>194009
How very reminiscent of how updates were during the contest.

[X] “SLAM THAT BITCH INTO THE GROUND, AND I'LL GIVE HER THE EMPEROR'S ELBOW DROP. IT WILL BE RAD.”
 No. 194015
[X] ELBOW DROP
 No. 194016
[X] “SLAM THAT BITCH INTO THE GROUND, AND I'LL GIVE HER THE EMPEROR'S ELBOW DROP. IT WILL BE RAD.”
 No. 194019
[X] “SLAM THAT BITCH INTO THE GROUND, AND I'LL GIVE HER THE EMPEROR'S ELBOW DROP. IT WILL BE RAD.”

FUCK YEAH, ELBOW DROP FROM ORBIT.
 No. 194022
[X] “FLY ON OVER TO ME, SO THAT I MAY LAY UPON HER A BEATING OF APOCRPYHAL PROPORTIONS.”

TAG TEAM GO
 No. 194024
[X] “SLAM THAT BITCH INTO THE GROUND, AND I'LL GIVE HER THE EMPEROR'S ELBOW DROP. IT WILL BE RAD.”
 No. 194025
[X] “FLY ON OVER TO ME, SO THAT I MAY LAY UPON HER A BEATING OF APOCRPYHAL PROPORTIONS.”

I'll take suplexes from orbit for 500, Alex.
 No. 194026
[X] “SLAM THAT BITCH INTO THE GROUND, AND I'LL GIVE HER THE EMPEROR'S ELBOW DROP. IT WILL BE RAD.”
 No. 194030
[X] “FLY ON OVER TO ME, SO THAT I MAY LAY UPON HER A BEATING OF APOCRPYHAL PROPORTIONS.”
 No. 194032
BOY HOWDY IT SURE LOOKS LIKE WE'RE GETTING THE ELBOW DROP FOR THIS ONE, CHUMS, SO I'MMA CALLIN' IT NOW FOR THAT.
 No. 194040
File 14881750675.png - (240.22KB, 480x640, ONLOOKERS MAY BE SHOCKED.png) [iqdb]
194040
“I NEED YOU TO DIVEBOMB THE EARTH, OKAY?” you tell Suika. “I WILL MAKE THE TAG-TEAM ATTACK VERY SHORTLY. IT'LL BE TOTALLY RAD.”

She considers this plan with a terrible smile. “Okay!”

“I'll kill both of you for this,” says the impaled nerd, who is remarkably composed for a woman who's just gotten THE HORNS, and then they're both plummeting as fast as Suika can carry her down.

Your descent, meanwhile, has to rely on such things as gravity to send you after them, but even so, it is as swift as it is awful to behold, a cacophonous golden star descending from the heavens with an elbow thrust out to deliver your righteousness upon any who would dare resist you, and also anyone who you just don't like, which is most people.

“PREPARE TO EAT ALL THE SHIT!” you declare, as Suika piledrives the plaid-clad wench headfirst into the ground. You angle towards your target with all the calculated precision your fury can grant you, which, when it comes to the aforementioned making-people-eat-shit, is about equivalent to Emps himself deciding to psychically reach out across the galaxy to slap someone's shit in. Speaking of the Emprah – “THIS ONE'S IN THE NAME OF THE BIG E!

Suika yanks her horns free of the dazed flower-bitch and legs it as you close in, set to truly annihilate the superwoman's pelvis as a nice target of opportunity. Right before impact, however, the other person in this fuckface's entourage finally leaps into action – and her scythe embedding itself into your chest, carrying you along in its swinging arc, is both PRETTY PAINFUL and INCREDIBLY RUDE.

But one of the problems with catching a marine falling at near-terminal velocity on a polearm is that momentum is a bitch. Sure, you're swung away from your primary target – but the blonde who interrupted you is carried along with, yanked along by your huge bulk, and the two of you are carried off a GOOD DISTANCE, the air filled with your screams of rage and hers of generalized horror at her error.

You hit the ground first, digging a massive furrow through grass and flowers alike with your mighty elbow, because if you're going to get dropped from that high up, you're fuckin' well gonna make good on the elbow drop on SOMETHING. The scythe-bitch loses her grip on her scythe a moment after you touch down, flying through the air a ways before she hits the ground, bounces into a wall of sunflowers, and vanishes from view with another cry of intense regret at what her interference had gotten her.

“SERVES YA RIGHT, YOU CHEEKY FUCK,” you growl, picking yourself up, yanking the scythe out of your chest, and ignoring the severe puncturing you've received, because whining about bleeding on everything is for those pussies who aren't HOLY INSTRUMENTS OF THE MOTHERFUCKIN' EMPEROR.

There's a generalized hollering of excitement from where you're pretty sure Suika and What's Her Fucking Name are at, which sounds promising, but on the other hand, you're kind of TOTALLY PISSED that your righteous elbow drop was FUCKED UP by outside interference.
__________

[X] DESPITE YOUR RAGE AT THE INTERRUPTION, YOU THINK YOU CAN STILL VENT IT ON MISS SUNFLOWER. IT'LL BE LIKE BONDING WITH THE LITTLE DRUNK, TOO, THROUGH A MUTUAL PUMMELING OF SOMEONE YOU BOTH DISLIKE. WIN WIN

[X] THE DUOCORN CAN HANDLE HERSELF FOR A BIT, YOU'RE GOING TO TEACH 'FRIEND FARMER' OVER THERE WHY PEOPLE SHOULDN'T INTERFERE WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT TO PULL OFF SOMETHING TOTALLY AWESOME
 No. 194041
[X] DESPITE YOUR RAGE AT THE INTERRUPTION, YOU THINK YOU CAN STILL VENT IT ON MISS SUNFLOWER. IT'LL BE LIKE BONDING WITH THE LITTLE DRUNK, TOO, THROUGH A MUTUAL PUMMELING OF SOMEONE YOU BOTH DISLIKE. WIN WIN

BEATING TIME. OR BONDING. EITHER/OR
 No. 194042
[X] DESPITE YOUR RAGE AT THE INTERRUPTION, YOU THINK YOU CAN STILL VENT IT ON MISS SUNFLOWER. IT'LL BE LIKE BONDING WITH THE LITTLE DRUNK, TOO, THROUGH A MUTUAL PUMMELING OF SOMEONE YOU BOTH DISLIKE. WIN WIN

GETTING ALL THE SUIKA FLAGS UP MEANS MORE BOOZE
 No. 194044
[X] DESPITE YOUR RAGE AT THE INTERRUPTION, YOU THINK YOU CAN STILL VENT IT ON MISS SUNFLOWER. IT'LL BE LIKE BONDING WITH THE LITTLE DRUNK, TOO, THROUGH A MUTUAL PUMMELING OF SOMEONE YOU BOTH DISLIKE. WIN WIN
 No. 194045
[X] DESPITE YOUR RAGE AT THE INTERRUPTION, YOU THINK YOU CAN STILL VENT IT ON MISS SUNFLOWER. IT'LL BE LIKE BONDING WITH THE LITTLE DRUNK, TOO, THROUGH A MUTUAL PUMMELING OF SOMEONE YOU BOTH DISLIKE. WIN WIN
 No. 194046
[X] DESPITE YOUR RAGE AT THE INTERRUPTION, YOU THINK YOU CAN STILL VENT IT ON MISS SUNFLOWER. IT'LL BE LIKE BONDING WITH THE LITTLE DRUNK, TOO, THROUGH A MUTUAL PUMMELING OF SOMEONE YOU BOTH DISLIKE. WIN WIN
 No. 194047
[X] THE DUOCORN CAN HANDLE HERSELF FOR A BIT, YOU'RE GOING TO TEACH 'FRIEND FARMER' OVER THERE WHY PEOPLE SHOULDN'T INTERFERE WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT TO PULL OFF SOMETHING TOTALLY AWESOME

FUCK ALL OF YOU
 No. 194049
[X] THE DUOCORN CAN HANDLE HERSELF FOR A BIT, YOU'RE GOING TO TEACH 'FRIEND FARMER' OVER THERE WHY PEOPLE SHOULDN'T INTERFERE WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT TO PULL OFF SOMETHING TOTALLY AWESOME

I know the weapon upgrade option when I see it. This is totally our chance to create an improvised scythe, using only a girl, some bendy sunflowers, and a scythe.
 No. 194050
[X] THE DUOCORN CAN HANDLE HERSELF FOR A BIT, YOU'RE GOING TO TEACH 'FRIEND FARMER' OVER THERE WHY PEOPLE SHOULDN'T INTERFERE WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT TO PULL OFF SOMETHING TOTALLY AWESOME
 No. 194051
[X] DESPITE YOUR RAGE AT THE INTERRUPTION, YOU THINK YOU CAN STILL VENT IT ON MISS SUNFLOWER. IT'LL BE LIKE BONDING WITH THE LITTLE DRUNK, TOO, THROUGH A MUTUAL PUMMELING OF SOMEONE YOU BOTH DISLIKE. WIN WIN
 No. 194053
>>194049

Not to mention beating someone with his or her own children is an act so badass the Big E himself would have no choice but to reach across time and space for a brofist.
 No. 194054
[X] THE DUOCORN CAN HANDLE HERSELF FOR A BIT, YOU'RE GOING TO TEACH 'FRIEND FARMER' OVER THERE WHY PEOPLE SHOULDN'T INTERFERE WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT TO PULL OFF SOMETHING TOTALLY AWESOME
 No. 194068
>>194049
I have been convinced.

Changing vote >>194044 to:
[X] THE DUOCORN CAN HANDLE HERSELF FOR A BIT, YOU'RE GOING TO TEACH 'FRIEND FARMER' OVER THERE WHY PEOPLE SHOULDN'T INTERFERE WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT TO PULL OFF SOMETHING TOTALLY AWESOME
 No. 194070
>>194049
That sounds amazing
[X] THE DUOCORN CAN HANDLE HERSELF FOR A BIT, YOU'RE GOING TO TEACH 'FRIEND FARMER' OVER THERE WHY PEOPLE SHOULDN'T INTERFERE WHEN YOU'RE ABOUT TO PULL OFF SOMETHING TOTALLY AWESOME
 No. 194074
FUNNY, I COME IN HERE TO TALLY VOTES EXPECTING THE 'PUNCH YUUKA SOME MORE' OPTION TO TAKE IT, BUT INSTEAD THIS VOTING TURNAROUND MEANS WE'RE OFF TO SEE AN ELLY

WELL, THAT'S VOTING FOR YA, SO CONSIDER IT CALLED
 No. 194082
File 14882613372.jpg - (69.69KB, 600x500, WHAT THE LITTLE BITCH WISHES SHE COULD DO.jpg) [iqdb]
194082
The urge to just stomp on over and add your violence onto Suika's violence to make for MAXIMUM VIOLENCE is strong, but you suppress it, because you are a marine who knows opportunity when he sees it, and that opportunity is to IMPROVISE a brand new weapon. You have all the parts you need – the only thing stopping you is time itself, and time is your BITCH, so off you go after the little tit you'd sent flying – but not before grabbing her scythe first, for this is a VITAL PART of your plan.

The little shit who scythed you is easy enough to find, considering the trail of bent sunflowers that lead directly to her sprawled out on her face. She's just started picking herself up by the time you stomp over to her, but it was too little too late as you snatch her up by the leg and hoist her, upside-down, into the air. Her hat falls off, her dress starts to expose her, and her hands immediately stop THAT dead before it can happen, which, unfortunately for her, leaves her defenseless as you glower at her.

“SO WHAT'S UP, YOU INTERFERING LITTLE TWAT?” you ask, leaning in until her nose touches your helmet.

“...Me?” she hazards, very quietly.

“HAH.” Okay, you'll give her points for that one. “SO GUESS WHAT'S GOING DOWN IN THE NEXT MINUTE OR SO.”

“Uh-”

“TICK TOCK NO TIME FOR UH'S,” you say, ripping one of the sunflowers (that almost reaches up to your head, actually, which is quite impressive) out of the earth with your other hand.

She cringes. “Oooh, you really shouldn't do that-”

“SHH, SHH, THIS IS IMPORTANT FOR WHAT'S NEXT. JUST GO AHEAD AND GUESS ALREADY.”

“You're gonna strangle me with my mistress's own sunflowers?” she asks, dread clear in her voice.

“CLOSE, BUT NO. IF I WANTED TO UTTERLY DESTROY YOU I WOULD JUST SQUASH YOUR FACE UNDER MY POWER BOOT.”

“...What makes it different from a regular boot?”

“THE IMPORTANT DETAILS ARE FUCKING CLASSIFIED, YOU INQUISITIVE LITTLE NERD.” And also you don't actually know, because you leave all that nerd shit to the techpriests. “BUT THE SHORT OF IT IS THAT IF I TURN IT ON AND HIT YOU WITH YOU, YOU'RE GOING TO BE GIBLETS.”

This is quite possibly the WHITEST BITCH you've ever met, just from the sheer amount of color that's drained from her skin. “O-oh.”

“YEP! SO NOW THAT YOU KNOW THE STAKES, HOLD STILL FOR A MINUTE WHILE I SET YOU DOWN.”

You start by dropping her on the ground, which gets a little grunt of dismay from her before you lift her legs up and start wrapping the surprisingly thick stalk of the sunflower around her feet. And then knees. And then waist. Holy shit you have a lot to work with.

“I'm very uncomfortable with where this is going!” says the girl, not helpfully at fucking all as she tries to wriggle on out.

“YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO, YA KNOW,” you say, pinning her in place with one finger as you grab another sunflower for CONTINUED WORK. You then grab both her hands in one huge one and hold them over her head. “THAT KIND OF REMOVES THE POINT OF A PENITENT WEAPON IF IT'S COMFORTABLE.

You're honestly impressed she's keeping a fairly level tone in the face of all this. “A what now?”

With her hands overhead, you continue tying her up, for this is all important to crafting your MASTERPIECE. “WHAT THE EVER-LOVING SHIT DO YOU THINK I MEAN, AFTER YOU STRUCK ONE OF THE EMPEROR'S ANGELS? THAT SHIT'S GROUNDS FOR AN EXECUTION! BUT INSTEAD I WILL BE A MERCIFUL ANGRY MARINE, WHICH IS A RARE FUCKING THING. UNLESS YOU KEEP RESISTING, GODDAMMIT, SO STOP THAT OR I REALLY WILL STEP ON YOUR FACE.“

“Ooooh.” She stops squirming like a SMART heretic. This gets her some fuckin' CLEMENCY. “So, I'm still not really sure what you're doing here, besides really making Lady Kazami angry when she sees me like this.”

“AHA! YOU'RE ONTO ME. STILL, THAT IS BUT ONE REASON WHY I AM HARD AT WORK HERE. NOW KEEP YOUR HANDS OPEN.

“Okay?” she says, waggling her hands about a little, which is about the best she can manage now that you've got her wrapped up head-to-toe.

You grab her scythe and plant it in her hands. “HERE HOLD THIS.”

“Uhh-” The bewilderment is clear on her face.

“AND HOLD TIGHT, OR I SWEAR BY THE EMPEROR HIMSELF I WILL MAKE GOOD ON ALL MY PREVIOUS THREATS AND THEN ALSO GRAB YOUR SOUL AND INFLICT THE SAME PAIN UPON IT, TOO.”

“Oh geez.” She holds on tight indeed, which makes it easy for you to wrap more sunflower stalks around her arms, locking those in place too. A little bit of finesse is needed to truss up her hands with these sizable not-ropes, but when you're done, she's got her hands locked down on the scythe's handle but GOOD. “Oh geez.

You pick her up, gripping her legs in one hand and her arms in the other, and give her a demonstrative swing. “HA HA! NOW I'VE GOT EVEN MORE REACH, AND WITH A WEAPON THAT CAN FUCKIN' PIERCE A MARINE'S ARMOR. TRULY, I AM A GENIUS!”

“Am I gonna be like this long?” asks your new weapon, DESPONDENT AS FUCK. The penitence is ALREADY WORKING.

“YES. PROBABLY FOREVER. ALSO WHAT THE HELL IS EVEN YOUR NAME?”

“Elly! It's Elly.”

“OKAY, COOL, NOW FORGET ABOUT THAT. YOUR NEW NAME WHILE YOU'RE ON DUTY AS MY WEAPON IS 'THE SHIT-RIPPER OF REDEMPTION'. BECAUSE YOU RIP SHIT AND ARE REDEEMED THROUGH YOUR HOLY SERVICE.”

“I'd rather not!”

“WELL WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU SAY SO EARLIER?”

Hers is the expression of someone who desperately wishes she had unbound legs to kick herself.“...You didn't seem like you'd let me go!”

“WELL, I MEAN, I WOULDN'T. BUT IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO KNOW THE OPINIONS OF YOUR WEAPONS ON THINGS, BECAUSE THAT MEANS YOU CAN BETTER IGNORE THEM BEFORE DOING YOUR OWN COOL THINGS.”

“Ugh.”

“ANYWAY! I GOTTA GO KILL YOUR BOSS NOW. OFF WE GO!” You sling your new shit-ripper over your shoulder, keeping her there with one hand as your other arm swings merrily with every huge step you take.

“I am gonna die,” she says, in the tones of one who realizes that there is no possible escape at this juncture. “Aaaah, hell.

“REST ASSURED THAT THE EMPEROR WILL APPRECIATE THIS SACRIFICE IN HIS NAME.”

She doesn't have a reply to that, which is fine, because this is about when your casual jog takes you closer to the sounds of violence that have, just now, stopped. Which means either you're too late and the drunk dwarf has already had all the fun, or-

You burst into the torn-up clearing, witness to a torn-up Yuuka repeatedly slamming her umbrella down on Suika's head, the little drunk laid out on her face and twitching with every meaty SMACK that collides with her skull. Yuuka stops, bludgeon held high, blood dripping from the tip, as her head jerkily twists to glare at you.

“SHE HAD ONE JOB AND SHE COCKED IT UP,” you say, shaking your head at Suika's TERRIBLE INCOMPETENCE. “FOR FUCK'S SAKE.”

The SUPER-BITCH is twitching all over, in a way that makes you think she might be having a kind of RAGE SEIZURE. “Elly?” she says, turning to face you full on, her glare one of someone having an exceptionally bad time of things. “What in the fuck is your problem, you maniac?

You heft the Shit-Ripper in both hands, resisting the urge to cackle in anticipation of what's to come. “OOH, YOU'RE GONNA FIND OUT, YOU FUCKIN' NO-GOOD PIECE OF UPJUMPED ORK SHIT.”
__________

[X] CONTINUE TO ENGAGE IN A DIALOGUE WHILE YOU CIRCLE AROUND TO TRY AND DRAW THIS FUCK AWAY FROM YOUR TINY DRUNK. YOU'RE SURE YOU CAN PISS HER OFF ENOUGH TO FORGET ALL ABOUT THE LITTLE SOT

[X] YOU HAVE A NEW WEAPON THAT SLICES SHIT. YOU HAVE A BITCH WHOSE WHOLE THING IS FLOWERS. YOU DO NOT NEED A WALKTHROUGH TO TELL YOU HOW TO SOLVE THIS PARTICULAR PUZZLE.

[X] DOYOU EVENLIFTIMUS IS A SMART SONUVABITCH, AND HE'S GOT A NEW PLAN THAT'S SURE TO SUCCEED [WRITE IT IN]
 No. 194089
[X] CONTINUE TO ENGAGE IN A DIALOGUE WHILE YOU CIRCLE AROUND TO TRY AND DRAW THIS FUCK AWAY FROM YOUR TINY DRUNK. YOU'RE SURE YOU CAN PISS HER OFF ENOUGH TO FORGET ALL ABOUT THE LITTLE SOT
[X] YOU HAVE A NEW WEAPON THAT SLICES SHIT. YOU HAVE A BITCH WHOSE WHOLE THING IS FLOWERS. YOU DO NOT NEED A WALKTHROUGH TO TELL YOU HOW TO SOLVE THIS PARTICULAR PUZZLE.
[X] BUT BE SURE TO KEEP AN EYE ON THE HERETIC. THE MOMENT SHE MOVES, COMMENCE THE SHIT RIP-ENING.
 No. 194091
[X] CONTINUE TO ENGAGE IN A DIALOGUE WHILE YOU CIRCLE AROUND TO TRY AND DRAW THIS FUCK AWAY FROM YOUR TINY DRUNK. YOU'RE SURE YOU CAN PISS HER OFF ENOUGH TO FORGET ALL ABOUT THE LITTLE SOT.
[x] WHERE IN THE FUCK ARE HUGE ASS AND THE OTHER FAGGOTRONS? THEY SHOULD BE PARTICIPATING IN THIS RIGHTEOUSNESS!
 No. 194096
[X] CONTINUE TO ENGAGE IN A DIALOGUE WHILE YOU CIRCLE AROUND TO TRY AND DRAW THIS FUCK AWAY FROM YOUR TINY DRUNK. YOU'RE SURE YOU CAN PISS HER OFF ENOUGH TO FORGET ALL ABOUT THE LITTLE SOT.

Oh this is great. I can already hear DOYOU when Suika stabs one of her horns into her derriere:

"AND THE 'FUCKING STUPID' AWARD GOES TO: THE FLOWERY NERD, FOR TURNING HER BACK TO A SERVANT OF THE EMPEROR"
 No. 194098
[X] YOU HAVE A NEW WEAPON THAT SLICES SHIT. YOU HAVE A BITCH WHOSE WHOLE THING IS FLOWERS. YOU DO NOT NEED A WALKTHROUGH TO TELL YOU HOW TO SOLVE THIS PARTICULAR PUZZLE.
 No. 194106
[X] CONTINUE TO ENGAGE IN A DIALOGUE WHILE YOU CIRCLE AROUND TO TRY AND DRAW THIS FUCK AWAY FROM YOUR TINY DRUNK. YOU'RE SURE YOU CAN PISS HER OFF ENOUGH TO FORGET ALL ABOUT THE LITTLE SOT .
 No. 194110
[X] CONTINUE TO ENGAGE IN A DIALOGUE WHILE YOU CIRCLE AROUND TO TRY AND DRAW THIS FUCK AWAY FROM YOUR TINY DRUNK. YOU'RE SURE YOU CAN PISS HER OFF ENOUGH TO FORGET ALL ABOUT THE LITTLE SOT
 No. 194111
[X] CONTINUE TO ENGAGE IN A DIALOGUE WHILE YOU CIRCLE AROUND TO TRY AND DRAW THIS FUCK AWAY FROM YOUR TINY DRUNK. YOU'RE SURE YOU CAN PISS HER OFF ENOUGH TO FORGET ALL ABOUT THE LITTLE SOT
[X] YOU HAVE A NEW WEAPON THAT SLICES SHIT. YOU HAVE A BITCH WHOSE WHOLE THING IS FLOWERS. YOU DO NOT NEED A WALKTHROUGH TO TELL YOU HOW TO SOLVE THIS PARTICULAR PUZZLE.
[X] BUT BE SURE TO KEEP AN EYE ON THE HERETIC. THE MOMENT SHE MOVES, COMMENCE THE SHIT RIP-ENING.

>>194096

I know right? What the fuck is so difficult to understand about POWER BOOT? Anyone with half a brain should understand combining power with STRATEGIC EMPHASIS means whatever that power is modifying will royally wreck your shit.

Also, fuck these flowers. If she's tryna mess with our crew, then we'll mess with hers.
 No. 194135
[X] CONTINUE TO ENGAGE IN A DIALOGUE WHILE YOU CIRCLE AROUND TO TRY AND DRAW THIS FUCK AWAY FROM YOUR TINY DRUNK. YOU'RE SURE YOU CAN PISS HER OFF ENOUGH TO FORGET ALL ABOUT THE LITTLE SOT
[X] YOU HAVE A NEW WEAPON THAT SLICES SHIT. YOU HAVE A BITCH WHOSE WHOLE THING IS FLOWERS. YOU DO NOT NEED A WALKTHROUGH TO TELL YOU HOW TO SOLVE THIS PARTICULAR PUZZLE.
[X] BUT BE SURE TO KEEP AN EYE ON THE HERETIC. THE MOMENT SHE MOVES, COMMENCE THE SHIT RIP-ENING.

Long since have I abandoned any form of concern for our own life. Now we much inflict as much property damage as possible before the Big E comes to claim our soul.
 No. 194136
[X] CONTINUE TO ENGAGE IN A DIALOGUE WHILE YOU CIRCLE AROUND TO TRY AND DRAW THIS FUCK AWAY FROM YOUR TINY DRUNK. YOU'RE SURE YOU CAN PISS HER OFF ENOUGH TO FORGET ALL ABOUT THE LITTLE SOT
[X] YOU HAVE A NEW WEAPON THAT SLICES SHIT. YOU HAVE A BITCH WHOSE WHOLE THING IS FLOWERS. YOU DO NOT NEED A WALKTHROUGH TO TELL YOU HOW TO SOLVE THIS PARTICULAR PUZZLE.
[X] BUT BE SURE TO KEEP AN EYE ON THE HERETIC. THE MOMENT SHE MOVES, COMMENCE THE SHIT RIP-ENING.
 No. 194154
[X] CONTINUE TO ENGAGE IN A DIALOGUE WHILE YOU CIRCLE AROUND TO TRY AND DRAW THIS FUCK AWAY FROM YOUR TINY DRUNK. YOU'RE SURE YOU CAN PISS HER OFF ENOUGH TO FORGET ALL ABOUT THE LITTLE SOT
[X] YOU HAVE A NEW WEAPON THAT SLICES SHIT. YOU HAVE A BITCH WHOSE WHOLE THING IS FLOWERS. YOU DO NOT NEED A WALKTHROUGH TO TELL YOU HOW TO SOLVE THIS PARTICULAR PUZZLE.
[X] BUT BE SURE TO KEEP AN EYE ON THE HERETIC. THE MOMENT SHE MOVES, COMMENCE THE SHIT RIP-ENING.

I SWEAR THIS MAY BE THE FIRST TIME IN FICTION A SCYTHE IS GONNA BE USED FOR ITS ACTUAL PURPOSE
 No. 194184
File 148834788096.jpg - (780.29KB, 859x935, she so mad this filename's lowercase.jpg) [iqdb]
194184
Contrary to your FIGHTING WORDS, you do not immediately make to slice Yuuka's face off; instead, you plod sideways, strafing around her as she stays in place, trying to kill you through a rage-filled glower so fanatically enraged she could put the bolter bitches to shame. “BUT FIRST, BEFORE I SLAY YOU RIGHTLY, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW ONE THING.”

“Oh, please enlighten me,” Yuuka hisses, patting her bloodied umbrella against her palm, every impact carrying a satisfying thwack. “I am just so eager to learn what wisdom a subnormal monkey like yourself has to share with me.”

“MONKEY? REALLY? IF YOU'RE GONNA COMPARE ME TO ANIMALS, AT LEAST GET THE COMPARISON RIGHT, YOU DIPSHIT. I'M CLEARLY A GORILLA.”

“Lady Kazami?” says the SHIT-RIPPER, her tone strained. “Please let the angry golden man say his piece so that I don't go squish.”

Yuuka heaves a sigh so exasperated you swear her irritation could be weaponized. “Oh, fine.

“RIGHT. WHAT I GOT TO SAY IS THIS.” You keep circling about, Yuuka turning to face you, and, more importantly, ignoring the bloodied little drunk at her feet. “I'LL BE GETTING TO IT ANY MOMENT NOW-” Her fingers twitch – and you're already spinning around, swinging, scything sunflowers midway through their attempt to wrap around you. “I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS WHEN YOU'RE MAKING SUBTLE GESTURES AND SHIT, YOU FUCK!

Your spin carries you in a full circle, sunflowers everywhere getting a lesson in why YOU are the superior golden being, and are treated to Yuuka's umbrella slamming into your left shoulder– and the armor cracks as you're sent skidding dozens of feet, barely keeping your footing steady as pain lances down your arm. You turn to face her, already stomping closer to lay out your wrath. “YOU COWARDLY LITTLE FAGGOT, TRYING TO DISTRACT ME-”

A sunflower punches you in the back of the head.

FUCK” you say as you tumble forward into a roll, conserving momentum and coming up swinging, and also screaming, “HOW THE FUCK DOES AN UMBRELLA HIT THAT HARD WITHOUT BREAKING, YOU CHEATING LITTLE NIGLET!

Yuuka brings her umbrella up to intercept the scythe, catching it on the blade – and her dainty goddamn thing HOLDS TOGETHER, WHAT. “What did you call me?” she asks, and up close, her rage-filled glare has twisted to a SMILE, the friggin' psychopath.

“FUCKIN' GOD-EMPEROR-DAMN-IT,” you snarl, putting all your might into trying to cut through her GIRLY WEAPON OF CHOICE and meeting little success. “WHY DO I HAVE TO BE ON A WORLD WHERE NO ONE UNDERSTANDS MY INSULTS?”

Her leg lashes out – BUT THIS TIME, YOU ARE PREPARED FOR DICK-KICKS, twisting your hips a bit to take it RIGHT NEXT to the crotch instead of DIRECTLY ON IT. Sure, you still go skidding back again, dropping to a knee to snarl curses beneath your breath, but at least your DONG has not EXPLODED IN AGONY.

Yuuka's smiling wider, teeth bared, as she levels her umbrella at you from a little ways off. “Just hurry up and die, you piece of shit.” The tip of it starts charging up energy for whatever magical bullshit she has in mind.

“Lady Kazami?!” SHIT-RIPPER shrieks in entirely justifiable fear. “What about me?!”

“You'll get better!” Yuuka says, far too cheerful.
__________

[X] HOW LONG DOES THAT FUCKING THING TAKE TO CHARGE? YOU BET YOU CAN MAKE THE DISTANCE IN TIME.

[X] FUCKING RUN. DODGE. WHATEVER. JUST GET OUTTA THE FUCKIN' WAY. YOU CAN GET UP CLOSE AFTERWARDS.

[X] THROW THE SCYTHE AT HER DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT
 No. 194185
[X] THROW THE SCYTHE AT HER DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT

YOU WANT ME TO PRESS THE SHINY RED BUTTON I'LL PRESS YOUR FUCKING SHINY RED BUTTON YOU MEGAFAGGOTLORD
 No. 194189
[X] THROW THE SCYTHE AT HER DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT
[X] USING HERETIC BULLSHIT, ESPECIALLY HERETIC BULLSHIT WITH LASER BEAMS IS FORBIDDEN. SEE IF YOU CAN GET MAD ENOUGH TO PUNCH THE FLOWER-POWER ADVOCATE FASTER THAN THE THING THAT YOU JUST THREW.

FOR THE EMPEROR.
 No. 194190
[X] THROW THE SCYTHE AT HER DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT
[X] USING HERETIC BULLSHIT, ESPECIALLY HERETIC BULLSHIT WITH LASER BEAMS IS FORBIDDEN. SEE IF YOU CAN GET MAD ENOUGH TO PUNCH THE FLOWER-POWER ADVOCATE FASTER THAN THE THING THAT YOU JUST THREW.

THROUGH THE POWER OF RAGE, WE EXCEED ALL LIMITS
 No. 194191
[X] FUCKING RUN. DODGE. WHATEVER. JUST GET OUTTA THE FUCKIN' WAY. YOU CAN GET UP CLOSE AFTERWARDS.

Remember how we beat Big Papa by playing smart? Let's play fucking smart!
 No. 194192
[X] THROW THE SCYTHE AT HER DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT
[X] USING HERETIC BULLSHIT, ESPECIALLY HERETIC BULLSHIT WITH LASER BEAMS IS FORBIDDEN. SEE IF YOU CAN GET MAD ENOUGH TO PUNCH THE FLOWER-POWER ADVOCATE FASTER THAN THE THING THAT YOU JUST THREW.

SCYTHE IS WEAK, PUNCH IS STRONK
 No. 194194
[X] THROW THE SCYTHE AT HER DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT
 No. 194199
[X] THROW THE SCYTHE AT HER DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT
[X] USING HERETIC BULLSHIT, ESPECIALLY HERETIC BULLSHIT WITH LASER BEAMS IS FORBIDDEN. SEE IF YOU CAN GET MAD ENOUGH TO PUNCH THE FLOWER-POWER ADVOCATE FASTER THAN THE THING THAT YOU JUST THREW.

THE FACT YOU FAGGOTS EVEN CONSIDERED RUNNING BLOWS MY FUCKING MIND INTO THE STRATOSPHERE
 No. 194207
[X] THROW THE SCYTHE AT HER DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT
FUCKING HELL
 No. 194209
[X] THROW THE SCYTHE AT HER DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT
 No. 194212
[X] THROW THE SCYTHE AT HER DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT
[X] USING HERETIC BULLSHIT, ESPECIALLY HERETIC BULLSHIT WITH LASER BEAMS IS FORBIDDEN. SEE IF YOU CAN GET MAD ENOUGH TO PUNCH THE FLOWER-POWER ADVOCATE FASTER THAN THE THING THAT YOU JUST THREW.
 No. 194217
[X] THROW THE SCYTHE AT HER DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT
[X] USING HERETIC BULLSHIT, ESPECIALLY HERETIC BULLSHIT WITH LASER BEAMS IS FORBIDDEN. SEE IF YOU CAN GET MAD ENOUGH TO PUNCH THE FLOWER-POWER ADVOCATE FASTER THAN THE THING THAT YOU JUST THREW.
 No. 194227
[X] THROW THE SCYTHE AT HER DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT
[X] USING HERETIC BULLSHIT, ESPECIALLY HERETIC BULLSHIT WITH LASER BEAMS IS FORBIDDEN. SEE IF YOU CAN GET MAD ENOUGH TO PUNCH THE FLOWER-POWER ADVOCATE FASTER THAN THE THING THAT YOU JUST THREW.
 No. 194238
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194238
Clearly there is only one option here, and that is to fuckin' THROW your WEAPON, like you have done TO MUCH ACCLAIM in your past. So you haul back and TOSS, SHIT-RIPPER hollering something angry and spooked and above all incomprehensible, as expected of living weaponry.

You've already launched forward, sprinting like your huge life depends on it, which it does, and turn things into a race between your big new weapon and your target charging up her bullshit heresy laser beam or some other crap. "BRING IT OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON"

It's actually a toss-up between you and the scythe reaching Yuka first, but in the end, it's ALL YOU, BABY, as you haul back-

Yuuka's laser fires on you midswing, a DIRECT HIT to your chest that envelops you in laser-induced AGONY.

And then your fist connects with her face regardless, her laser cutting right back off as she's sent spinning around and around, stumbling back and yet remaining on her feet through sheer bloody minded stubbornness.

"That's it?" she asks, bloody-faced after that last blow, giving you a LOOK most severe as you stomp over. "I expected more, honestly." She lifts her umbrella again, and that's when your arcing SHIT-RIPPER comes back to earth, blade slamming into umbrella, knocking it aside - and then your HUGE HAND closes around Yuuka's head.

"GOTCHA, BITCH!"

Another Yuuka twirls out from this one, umbrella leveled at your skull, in a display of HEINOUS BULLSHIT. The copy points her umbrella at you, the buildup of her HERESY BEAM already visible. You have but seconds, and wracking your brain for a final swear leaves you one last insult.

"ALSO YOUR FLOWERS ARE SUPER GAY"

The beam fires.

In the quarter second befoee it hits you in the face, you'really treated to a flying, bloody Suika headbutting Yuuka in the nack of the head with a yell of "FUUUUUUUUU-"

You don't get to hear the rest on account of, you know, laser beam. To the face.

Shit goes BLACK.
___________

[X] THE EMPEROR SPEAKS AND YOU LISTEN, BECAUSE THAT IS HOW THIS SHIT WORKS

[X] WHY NOT GET THE OTHER DUDES IN ON THIS TOO SO YOU CAN YELL AT THEM TOO

[X] WHAT THE FUCK WHY IS NO ONE HERE THIS IS BULLSHIT AND YOU'RE FILING A COMPLAINT
__________

I DO NOT CARE FOR WRITING VIA PHONE BUT YA GOTTA DO WHAT YA GOTTA DO
 No. 194239
[X] WHAT THE FUCK WHY IS NO ONE HERE THIS IS BULLSHIT AND YOU'RE FILING A COMPLAINT
 No. 194240
[X] THE EMPEROR SPEAKS AND YOU LISTEN, BECAUSE THAT IS HOW THIS SHIT WORKS

[X] WHY NOT GET THE OTHER DUDES IN ON THIS TOO SO YOU CAN YELL AT THEM TOO

I'm not sure that the second option includes The Emperor, so I'm including option one just in case.
 No. 194242
[X] THE EMPEROR SPEAKS AND YOU LISTEN, BECAUSE THAT IS HOW THIS SHIT WORKS
 No. 194243
[X] THE EMPEROR SPEAKS AND YOU LISTEN, BECAUSE THAT IS HOW THIS SHIT WORKS

I FAIL TO SEE WHAT WE DID WRONG, THOUGH
 No. 194245
[X] THE EMPEROR SPEAKS AND YOU LISTEN, BECAUSE THAT IS HOW THIS SHIT WORKS

HOLY SHIT IT'S THE FUCKING EMPEROR I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT HE HAS TO SAY
 No. 194247
[X] THE EMPEROR SPEAKS AND YOU LISTEN, BECAUSE THAT IS HOW THIS SHIT WORKS
 No. 194249
X] WHAT THE FUCK WHY IS NO ONE HERE THIS IS BULLSHIT AND YOU'RE FILING A COMPLAINT

GET YOUR SHIRT TOGHETER AFTERLIFE

ALSO, THAT WAS GLORIOUS. DEADLY, BUT GLORIOUS
 No. 194253
[X] THE EMPEROR SPEAKS AND YOU LISTEN, BECAUSE THAT IS HOW THIS SHIT WORKS

IMPERIAL ADVICE BUREAU LET'S GO
 No. 194256
[X] THE EMPEROR SPEAKS AND YOU LISTEN, BECAUSE THAT IS HOW THIS SHIT WORKS

We probably should have included our entourage in our battle plans. We have some very heretical, yet capable, fighters with us.
 No. 194258
[X] THE EMPEROR SPEAKS AND YOU LISTEN, BECAUSE THAT IS HOW THIS SHIT WORKS
 No. 194259
[X] THE EMPEROR SPEAKS AND YOU LISTEN, BECAUSE THAT IS HOW THIS SHIT WORKS

[X] WHY NOT GET THE OTHER DUDES IN ON THIS TOO SO YOU CAN YELL AT THEM TOO
 No. 194270
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194270
[X] THE EMPEROR SPEAKS AND YOU LISTEN, BECAUSE THAT IS HOW THIS SHIT WORKS
 No. 194273
[X] WHAT THE FUCK WHY IS NO ONE HERE THIS IS BULLSHIT AND YOU'RE FILING A COMPLAINT
 No. 194291
BIG E, HERE WE COME FOR ANOTHER CHAT, AN HONOR THAT IS GRACIOUSLY BESTOWED UPON US

ALSO HOLY FUCK THE TYPOS LAST UPDATE - THIS IS WHY YOU DO NOT TRUST AUTOCORRECT, FOLKS
 No. 194305
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194305
MOTHERFUCKER YOU'RE BACK HERE AGAIN. ...WHEREVER HERE IS, ANYWAY. The place is all featureless and DARK this time instead of featureless and bland, which is all kinds of fucky. Without anyone to bitch at, you settle on generalized venting. “I DID NOTHING WRONG AND CALL COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF BULLSHIT ON THIS OUTCOME.”

THAT IS GOOD, MY SON,” says THE EMPEROR, suddenly appearing to fill this place with his GLORIOUS, BLINDING RADIANCE. “BUT YOU SHOULD NOT BE HERE.

You've fallen to your knees, shielding your eyes from this BEAUTIFUL LIGHT. “I AM GLAD YOU AGREE, MY EMPEROR, SO TELL ME WHY THE FUCK WE'RE HAVING A CHAT, PLEASE.”

WHEN YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS LEFT YOUR BODY, IT WOUND UP HERE, WHICH MEANS THAT FOR A LITTLE WHILE, I AM GRACED WITH A NEAR-DOYOU EXPERIENCE. I DO NOT KNOW HOW YOU MANAGE THIS.

“SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, EXACTLY?”

YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY DEAD.

WELL WHAT THE HOLY FUCKIN' WHAT IS GOIN' ON HERE THEN?

Even with your eyes closed and your hands held over them, the Emperor's HOLY PRESENCE nearly bowls you over. “ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT A CHANCE TO TALK WITH ME, BOY?”

oh shit” you say, as quietly as you have ever possibly managed in your life.

HAH!” The EMPEROR'S LAUGHTER is loud and magnificent to listen to. “FINALLY GOT YOU TO QUIET DOWN A LITTLE!

Wait, what does that- THE SON OF A BITCH. HE MIGHT BE YOUR EMPEROR, BUT THIS SHITTERY WILL NOT STAND. “DON'T THINK I'M BEAT YET, YOU GIANT SKELETON WARRIOR, WHO I LOVE MORE THAN ANY MAN OR MARINE COULD POSSIBLY KNOW!”

“THAT'S KINDA GAY, DOYOU.”

“IT'S NOT GAY, MY EMPEROR! I JUST WANT YOU TO TOUCH ME-”

“REALLY GAY NOW.”

“WITH YOUR HEAVENLY BLESSINGS,” you finish.

“OH. WELL, YOU'RE NOT DEAD, SO, I SUPPOSE I CAN DO THAT.”

You feel something POKE the top of your head, and from that touch comes a sense of UNIMAGINABLE SWOLENESS.

“HRRHRHRHRHRHRHRRGH” you scream incoherently, FLEXING as your power GROWS EVER STRONGER. This is TOTALLY UNPRECEDENTED but you are ENTIRELY OKAY WITH IT.

“YOU HAVE SHOWN ADEQUATE AMOUNTS OF PLEASURE WITH MY GIFT TO YOU, MY GLORIOUS GOLDEN SON.

“FUCK YEAH I DID.” You look around, still shielding your eyes from the EMPEROR'S MIGHTY RADIANCE. “ALSO IF I MAY ASK, WHERE THE HELL ARE THE OTHER FAGS ANYWAY?”

“WELL YOU REMEMBER HOW THEY WERE BEING LITTLE SHITS LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE, RIGHT? THEY'RE STILL RECOVERING.”

“THAT'S FUCKING INCREDIBLE, MY EMPEROR.”

THANKS.” A massive, decrepit hand pats you on the head, filling you with UNIMAGINABLE PRIDE. “NOW GET BACK TO SHOWING THAT SUNFLOWER HERETIC WHY YOU ARE THE SUPERIOR GOLDEN BEING, MY SWOLE SON.”

“ANYTHING FOR YOU, MY EMPEROR!” You spring to your feet, POWER-INFUSED LEGS carrying you charging back into battle-
__________

Charging back into battle is remarkably similar to waking up on the ground. You feel like you're forgetting something important since you got knocked the fuck out, but whatever it is is probably unimportant. In fact, you're feeling a lot better than you really should after taking a HERESY LASER to the face, so much so that when you leap to your feet, you accidentally go a good extra ten meters skyward.

“HOLY SHIT, I'M NOT EQUIPPED WITH ROCKET PACKS, WHAT” you say, to express your astonishment at being about as sproingy-legged as you'd expect in LOW-GRAVITY COMBAT ZONES. “WHAT THE FUCK DID I MISS WHILE I WAS OUT?”

You look around for anyone to fill you in on this, but only see carnage wrought across this field of sunflowers. There are yet more sounds of violence off in the distance somewhere, but you don't see a whit of the FLOWER BITCH or the HOSTILE DRUNK or the SHIT-RIPPER SUPREME, because you are in an UNFAMILIAR part of this sunflower field. “GODDAMMIT, ALL THE COOL SHIT BETTER NOT BE OVER.”

Another HERESY LASER goes off into the sky, all MULTI-COLORED RAINBOW SHIT.

“FUCK YEAH I GUESS IT AIN'T,” you declare, much more cheerfully, as you stomp off towards it.
__________

[X] YOU MUST ADVANCE WITH HASTE, LEAPING AND BOUNDING AHEAD, FOR THE JUDGEMENT OF THE RIGHTEOUS MUST BE CARRIED OUT WITH GREAT AND TERRIBLE FURY, AND YOU'RE JUST THE MARINE FOR THE JOB

[X] RUN LIKE A NORMAL MARINE, WHICH IS STILL HELLA FUCKIN' FAST, AND THEN YOU CAN JUMP ON A BITCH WHEN SHE'S NOT EXPECTING IT – FINALLY, ALL YOUR TIME TRAINING WITH THE ANCIENT INSTRUCTIONAL PROGRAM KNOWN AS MARIO: THE LOST LEVELS WILL HAVE PAID OFF

ALSO PICK ONE

[X] JUST GET STRAIGHT TO THE FIGHT AS FAST AS YOU CAN BECAUSE YOU'RE STILL NO FUCKING JOKE WITH POWER FISTS AND BOOT, YO

[X] FIND THAT FUCKIN' SCYTHE FIRST, BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT THE HUMANOID COMPONENT POSSIBLY SQUIRMING ON OUT OF IT WHILE YOU'RE NOT LOOKING
 No. 194306
[X] RUN LIKE A NORMAL MARINE, WHICH IS STILL HELLA FUCKIN' FAST, AND THEN YOU CAN JUMP ON A BITCH WHEN SHE'S NOT EXPECTING IT – FINALLY, ALL YOUR TIME TRAINING WITH THE ANCIENT INSTRUCTIONAL PROGRAM KNOWN AS MARIO: THE LOST LEVELS WILL HAVE PAID OFF
[X] FIND THAT FUCKIN' SCYTHE FIRST, BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT THE HUMANOID COMPONENT POSSIBLY SQUIRMING ON OUT OF IT WHILE YOU'RE NOT LOOKING
[X]IF THE HUMANOID COMPONENT IS ALREADY GONE OR DEAD, THEN JUST GRAB THE SCYTHE AND GRAB A FAIRY TO BECOME THE SHIT RIPPER 2.0
 No. 194307
[X] RUN LIKE A NORMAL MARINE, WHICH IS STILL HELLA FUCKIN' FAST, AND THEN YOU CAN JUMP ON A BITCH WHEN SHE'S NOT EXPECTING IT – FINALLY, ALL YOUR TIME TRAINING WITH THE ANCIENT INSTRUCTIONAL PROGRAM KNOWN AS MARIO: THE LOST LEVELS WILL HAVE PAID OFF
[X] FIND THAT FUCKIN' SCYTHE FIRST, BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT THE HUMANOID COMPONENT POSSIBLY SQUIRMING ON OUT OF IT WHILE YOU'RE NOT LOOKING
 No. 194308
[X] RUN LIKE A NORMAL MARINE, WHICH IS STILL HELLA FUCKIN' FAST, AND THEN YOU CAN JUMP ON A BITCH WHEN SHE'S NOT EXPECTING IT – FINALLY, ALL YOUR TIME TRAINING WITH THE ANCIENT INSTRUCTIONAL PROGRAM KNOWN AS MARIO: THE LOST LEVELS WILL HAVE PAID OFF
[X] FIND THAT FUCKIN' SCYTHE FIRST, BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT THE HUMANOID COMPONENT POSSIBLY SQUIRMING ON OUT OF IT WHILE YOU'RE NOT LOOKING
[X]IF THE HUMANOID COMPONENT IS ALREADY GONE OR DEAD, THEN JUST GRAB THE SCYTHE AND GRAB A FAIRY TO BECOME THE SHIT RIPPER 2.0
 No. 194309
[X] RUN LIKE A NORMAL MARINE, WHICH IS STILL HELLA FUCKIN' FAST, AND THEN YOU CAN JUMP ON A BITCH WHEN SHE'S NOT EXPECTING IT – FINALLY, ALL YOUR TIME TRAINING WITH THE ANCIENT INSTRUCTIONAL PROGRAM KNOWN AS MARIO: THE LOST LEVELS WILL HAVE PAID OFF

[X] FIND THAT FUCKIN' SCYTHE FIRST, BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT THE HUMANOID COMPONENT POSSIBLY SQUIRMING ON OUT OF IT WHILE YOU'RE NOT LOOKING
 No. 194312
[X] RUN LIKE A NORMAL MARINE, WHICH IS STILL HELLA FUCKIN' FAST, AND THEN YOU CAN JUMP ON A BITCH WHEN SHE'S NOT EXPECTING IT – FINALLY, ALL YOUR TIME TRAINING WITH THE ANCIENT INSTRUCTIONAL PROGRAM KNOWN AS MARIO: THE LOST LEVELS WILL HAVE PAID OFF
[X] FIND THAT FUCKIN' SCYTHE FIRST, BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT THE HUMANOID COMPONENT POSSIBLY SQUIRMING ON OUT OF IT WHILE YOU'RE NOT LOOKING
 No. 194314
[X] YOU MUST ADVANCE WITH HASTE, LEAPING AND BOUNDING AHEAD, FOR THE JUDGEMENT OF THE RIGHTEOUS MUST BE CARRIED OUT WITH GREAT AND TERRIBLE FURY, AND YOU'RE JUST THE MARINE FOR THE JOB

YOUR TEAMMATES HAD TO PICK UP YOUR SLACK DURING YOUR NAP, YOU LAZY ASS BATCH. ARE GOING TO LEAVE THEM ALONE? SINCE WHEN DID YOU TURN INTO AN ELDAR?

[X] FIND THAT FUCKIN' SCYTHE FIRST, BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT THE HUMANOID COMPONENT POSSIBLY SQUIRMING ON OUT OF IT WHILE YOU'RE NOT LOOKING

R
THAT SAID, LEAVING LOOSE ENDS UNATTENDED IS JUST ASKING FOR TROUBLE, AS THE FLOWER NERD CAN ATTEST TO.
 No. 194320
[X] YOU MUST ADVANCE WITH HASTE, LEAPING AND BOUNDING AHEAD, FOR THE JUDGEMENT OF THE RIGHTEOUS MUST BE CARRIED OUT WITH GREAT AND TERRIBLE FURY, AND YOU'RE JUST THE MARINE FOR THE JOB
[X] FIND THAT FUCKIN' SCYTHE FIRST, BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT THE HUMANOID COMPONENT POSSIBLY SQUIRMING ON OUT OF IT WHILE YOU'RE NOT LOOKING
 No. 194322
[X] YOU MUST ADVANCE WITH HASTE, LEAPING AND BOUNDING AHEAD, FOR THE JUDGEMENT OF THE RIGHTEOUS MUST BE CARRIED OUT WITH GREAT AND TERRIBLE FURY, AND YOU'RE JUST THE MARINE FOR THE JOB

[X] FIND THAT FUCKIN' SCYTHE FIRST, BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT THE HUMANOID COMPONENT POSSIBLY SQUIRMING ON OUT OF IT WHILE YOU'RE NOT LOOKING

Sights can I just say that your Emperor is my favorite Emperor
 No. 194325
[X] RUN LIKE A NORMAL MARINE, WHICH IS STILL HELLA FUCKIN' FAST, AND THEN YOU CAN JUMP ON A BITCH WHEN SHE'S NOT EXPECTING IT – FINALLY, ALL YOUR TIME TRAINING WITH THE ANCIENT INSTRUCTIONAL PROGRAM KNOWN AS MARIO: THE LOST LEVELS WILL HAVE PAID OFF
[X] JUST GET STRAIGHT TO THE FIGHT AS FAST AS YOU CAN BECAUSE YOU'RE STILL NO FUCKING JOKE WITH POWER FISTS AND BOOT, YO
 No. 194326
[X] RUN LIKE A NORMAL MARINE, WHICH IS STILL HELLA FUCKIN' FAST, AND THEN YOU CAN JUMP ON A BITCH WHEN SHE'S NOT EXPECTING IT – FINALLY, ALL YOUR TIME TRAINING WITH THE ANCIENT INSTRUCTIONAL PROGRAM KNOWN AS MARIO: THE LOST LEVELS WILL HAVE PAID OFF
[X] FIND THAT FUCKIN' SCYTHE FIRST, BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT THE HUMANOID COMPONENT POSSIBLY SQUIRMING ON OUT OF IT WHILE YOU'RE NOT LOOKING
[X]IF THE HUMANOID COMPONENT IS ALREADY GONE OR DEAD, THEN JUST GRAB THE SCYTHE AND GRAB A FAIRY TO BECOME THE SHIT RIPPER 2.0

It doesen't even have to be a fairy. Maybe combining Ms. Sunshine with the scythe will grant our attacks a fire component. Then, we'll be double super effective on yuuka.
 No. 194330
YEP, SURE LOOKS LIKE WE'RE HEADING TO GRAB A SCYTHE AT A GOOD SPRINT, NO JUMPING AS OF YET. THIS IS FINE. CALLED.

>>194322

YOU'D FUCKING BETTER LIKE YOUR EMPEROR. I MEAN, COME ON. THIS IS THE ONE JOB YOU HAVE AS A LOYAL IMPERIAL CITIZEN.
 No. 194331
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194331
FIRST SCYTHE, THEN FIGHT. Your priorities are clear as you sprint onward, scanning for any sign of where your improvised weaponry might have landed – which is more and more difficult with how the battlefield has gotten KINDA TORN UP while you were out. It's hard to make out any identifiable landmarks by virtue of there not really being any, since the landscape is mostly sunflowers and places that are now lacking in sunflowers, if not so much in scorched and cratered earth.

Your search takes you away from the currently unfolding violence, more off to the side, and as you look and look and look your frustration begins to mount, because you'd THINK it wouldn't be so hard to find a scythe attached to a girl, but right now she's proven to be GREAT at HIDING. SO GREAT, in fact, that it takes you about a solid minute to finally spy her legs sticking out from the edge of an intact patch of sunflowers.

“WAY TO WASTE MY VALUABLE TIME, YOU GARBAGE PERSON,” you say, stomping over to scoop her up. The SHIT-RIPPER has definitely seen better days, her bindings (and dress) now in tatters and her bruised face that of someone who could technically qualify as conscious, if you strapped the word to a rack and REALLY worked at stretching it.

Guh,” she says, once you give her a few good shakes. Her expression shifts to one of vaguely aware horror as she takes in the sight of you ripping apart sunflowers to reapply as bindings, the better to keep her in TOP WEAPON CONDITION.“Aaaaaaaaa-

“DID YOU HONESTLY THINK I WOULD FORGET ABOUT YOU?” you ask, slinging her over your shoulder once you finish tying her up again.

Noooooooooooo...” she whines, vaguely wriggling about in an escape attempt that gets precisely NOWHERE.

“WELL AT LEAST YOU'RE SMART ENOUGH TO RECOGNIZE MY GREAT MEMORY. TOO BAD YOU'RE STILL ON DUTY THOUGH, SO SHADDUP AND DEAL WITH IT.”

Now FULLY ARMED, you sprint back towards the fight, which is still sounding off EXPLOSIONS and LASERS and all that good shit you love in a proper brawl, at least when it's directed towards turning your enemies into little chunks of meaty paste. Your arrival on the scene is fortuitously timed to see Yuuka and Suika brawling inside a crater, their surroundings totaled in a pretty sizable radius.

...Well, brawling might be the wrong word for it, seeing as Yuuka's just hoisted the flailing, hollering midget overhead – and brings her back down so hard on a knee that you can hear the KRRRRACK from here.

WITH THE EMPEROR AS YOUR WITNESS, SHE IS BROKEN IN HALF.

SHIT.

GODDAMN IT.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T UNLEASH YOUR FULL SPEED IN A SITUATION THAT'S TIME-SENSITIVE.

The limp midget is thrown aside, leaving a bloodsoaked Yuuka to look up at you from the hole, her grin the kind of thing you usually see on CHAOS FAGGOTS. “Oh, my, you're still kicking? I can fix that, given a chance!”

“OOOH, BITCH, I WAS PLANNING ON SHOWING YOU A BAD TIME, BUT NOW YOU'RE GETTING THE PREMIUM PACKAGE!” Your charge is an especially FURIOUS one as you jump into the crater, scythe hauled back to RIGHTLY CUT THIS TAINTED FLOWER DOWN. “YOUR TURBO-TWATTERY SHALL STAND NO LONGER, FUCKER!”
__________

[X] THIS IS NO TIME TO BE TRYING UNTESTED SHIT OUT, AND YOU'VE GOT SUPERIOR REACH WITH YOUR AWESOME SCYTHE, SO RUN HER DOWN AND MAKE WITH THE RIGHTEOUS SLICING

[X] YOU HAVE POWER BOOTS AND THE NEWLY-ACQUIRED SKILL OF JUMPING GOOD, SO CLEARLY YOU NEED TO STOMP HER HEAD STRAIGHT INTO THE PLANET'S CORE

[X] DOYOU'S TACTICAL GENIUS KICKS IN [WRITE IT IN]
 No. 194332
[X] DOYOU'S TACTICAL GENIUS KICKS IN [WRITE IT IN]
[X] PIERCE THAT FLOWER BITCH WITH YOUR RECENTLY RE-AQUIRED WEAPON THEN KICK IT FURTHER IN TO HER LAME, PUSSY-LIKE INNARDS WITH A WELL TIMED POWER BOOT-ENHANCED JUMP KICK
 No. 194333
[X] THIS IS NO TIME TO BE TRYING UNTESTED SHIT OUT, AND YOU'VE GOT SUPERIOR REACH WITH YOUR AWESOME SCYTHE, SO RUN HER DOWN AND MAKE WITH THE RIGHTEOUS SLICING
 No. 194335
[X] ASK THE GOD EMPEROR FOR A MIRACLE
-[X] GO BACK 1 OPTION
--[X] YOU MUST ADVANCE WITH HASTE, LEAPING AND BOUNDING AHEAD, FOR THE JUDGEMENT OF THE RIGHTEOUS MUST BE CARRIED OUT WITH GREAT AND TERRIBLE FURY, AND YOU'RE JUST THE MARINE FOR THE JOB
--[X] JUST GET STRAIGHT TO THE FIGHT AS FAST AS YOU CAN BECAUSE YOU'RE STILL NO FUCKING JOKE WITH POWER FISTS AND BOOT, YO

HOW COME ONLY CHICKS GET MIRACLES? WELL, SUIKA IS A CHICK AND WE ARE THE ONLY SPACE MARINE IN THIS WORLD. I THINK WE DESERVE SOME HELP.
 No. 194336
[X] YOU HAVE POWER BOOTS AND THE NEWLY-ACQUIRED SKILL OF JUMPING GOOD, SO CLEARLY YOU NEED TO STOMP HER HEAD STRAIGHT INTO THE PLANET'S CORE

The Emperor gave us the power of the mad ups, and Emperor damnit we're going to use them.
 No. 194339
[X] DOYOU'S TACTICAL GENIUS KICKS IN
- [X] PIERCE THAT FLOWER BITCH WITH YOUR RECENTLY RE-AQUIRED WEAPON THEN KICK IT FURTHER IN TO HER LAME, PUSSY-LIKE INNARDS WITH A WELL TIMED POWER BOOT-ENHANCED JUMP KICK
 No. 194344
[X] DOYOU'S TACTICAL GENIUS KICKS IN [WRITE IT IN]
[X] PIERCE THAT FLOWER BITCH WITH YOUR RECENTLY RE-AQUIRED WEAPON THEN KICK IT FURTHER IN TO HER LAME, PUSSY-LIKE INNARDS WITH A WELL TIMED POWER BOOT-ENHANCED JUMP KICK
 No. 194345
[X] DOYOU'S TACTICAL GENIUS KICKS IN
- [X] PIERCE THAT FLOWER BITCH WITH YOUR RECENTLY RE-AQUIRED WEAPON THEN KICK IT FURTHER IN TO HER LAME, PUSSY-LIKE INNARDS WITH A WELL TIMED POWER BOOT-ENHANCED JUMP KICK
 No. 194346
[X] DOYOU'S TACTICAL GENIUS KICKS IN
- [X] PIERCE THAT FLOWER BITCH WITH YOUR RECENTLY RE-AQUIRED WEAPON THEN KICK IT FURTHER IN TO HER LAME, PUSSY-LIKE INNARDS WITH A WELL TIMED POWER BOOT-ENHANCED JUMP KICK
- [X]ONCE SHE'S ON THE GROUND, START JUMPING ON HER HEAD LIKE THE MOTHERFUCKING PLUMBER YOU SECRETLY DREAMED OF BEING
 No. 194348
[X] DOYOU'S TACTICAL GENIUS KICKS IN [WRITE IT IN]
[X] PIERCE THAT FLOWER BITCH WITH YOUR RECENTLY RE-AQUIRED WEAPON THEN KICK IT FURTHER IN TO HER LAME, PUSSY-LIKE INNARDS WITH A WELL TIMED POWER BOOT-ENHANCED JUMP KICK

I HOPE YOU DIDN'T DIE AGAIN AND LEAVE THE THREAD HANGING FOR MORE THAN A MONTH.
 No. 194349
[X] DOYOU'S TACTICAL GENIUS KICKS IN [WRITE IT IN]
[X] PIERCE THAT FLOWER BITCH WITH YOUR RECENTLY RE-AQUIRED WEAPON THEN KICK IT FURTHER IN TO HER LAME, PUSSY-LIKE INNARDS WITH A WELL TIMED POWER BOOT-ENHANCED JUMP KICK
 No. 194383
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194383
You went on a detour to get this scythe in your hands again, and by the Big Man Upstairs Himself, you're gonna MAKE WITH THE HARVESTING. OR PRUNING. PRUNING IS PROBABLY MORE APT IN THIS SCENARIO.

DIEEEEEEEEEE” you howl, storming downhill at this PLAID-CLAD HIPPIE PIECE OF SHIT – and, while your charge is a most MAGNIFICENT one, the key to properly pushing someone's shit in is to be TRICKY and NOT TOTALLY STRAIGHTFORWARD about it, which is why the moment you're in cutting range is the moment you skid to a halt and run to the SIDE, utilizing the ancient technique known as the LOCK-ON CIRCLE-STRAFE. This proves MOST FORTUITOUS in allowing you to juke away from a wide swing of her umbrella that would likely have sent you flying had it connected.

“I NEVER THOUGHT MY DAYS SPENT AS A NOVICE HORTICULTURALIST WOULD EVER BE RELEVANT, BUT TODAY IS THE DAY!” you declare, abruptly switching course to throw an OVERHEAD STRIKE at the bitch – one she blocks with a whip and a twirl of her umbrella, your blade grinding against her POWER PARASOL.

“You? Working on plants? Really?” says Yuuka, seemingly exerting no effort as she holds the scythe at bay.

“I SAY DAYS BUT IT WAS ONLY, LIKE, TWO. AND THEN I GOT TIRED OF TRYING FOR THIS 'ZEN' SHIT THAT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO HELP ME WITH AND BROKE EVERYTHING. AND EVERYONE.” You break off and retreat a few paces, slowing your circle-strafe from a sprint to a jog. “BUT I GOT MORE IN TOUCH WITH MY ANGRY SIDE SO I'D CALL IT A WIN.”

“You are absolutely lacking in any redeeming features, aren't you?” she marvels, and then she lunges, the tip of her umbrella going for your stomach – BUT YOU ARE FAST OF REFLEXES, and, as you jerk aside with more haste than one would expect of your GIANT STATURE, one of your hands pulls from the scythe's handle (which is to say, THE SHIT-RIPPER'S LEGS) and shoots out to grab the umbrella instead.

“OH, I DUNNO,” you say conversationally, and with a MIGHTY YANK pull Yuuka stumbling forward, straight into an uplifted POWER KNEE (your knee is not actually a POWER WEAPON but you feel so mighty at this point that it MIGHT AS WELL BE). You let go of her weapon just before the impact, so your knee knocks her back, the beginnings of a wheeze starting to flee her lips – and then you spin a full three-sixty, your one-handed grip on your scythe carrying the gleaming blade around to ram CLEAN THROUGH Yuuka's chest. “I THINK I'M PRETTY GOOD AT ENDING SNOOTY BITCHES LIKE YOURSELF.”

Yuuka tries to say something, but mostly just blood and gurgling comes out of her grinning mouth. KINDA WEIRD, but okay.

“THAT WAS THE PARRY AND RIPOSTE,” you say, letting go of your weapon as you take a step back, the better to set up your FINAL BLOW. “NEXT TIME, LEARN THE BASICS OF CQC BEFORE YOU COME AT ME, YOU MONG.”

Yuuka grips the scythe's wooden shaft and snaps it in half, leaving the TIED-UP HUMAN COMPONENT to hit the ground. A valiant attempt, but TOO LATE, for you LEAP, BOOT OUTSTRETCHED – AND CONNECT FOOT TO HANDLE, YOUR FLYING POWER KICK J-J-J-JAMMING IT IN.

And then all this shit explodes, too, in that strange and yet totally rad way your blows occasionally tend to do.

You go flying backwards, land on your feet, and rebound towards Yuuka with another MIGHTY JUMP – she, coincidentally, has ALSO gone flying, and she's laid out on her back, pretty firmly lodged into ground via scythe blade what is also lodged in said ground.

“BEHOLD THE GOOMBA STOMP!” you announce, right before landing WITH A BOOT ON EACH OF HER HANDS. You can't hear them break over the sound of your impact, but Yuuka's PECULIARLY PAINED GRIN tells you all you need to know.

“Oh, this is going to be a bother,” she says, firmly pinned beneath you.

“YA DAMN RIGHT IT IS. AND YOU AIN'T PULLING ANY MORE MAGIC BULLSHIT WITH FLOWERS AND CRAP, BECAUSE YOU USE YOUR HANDS FOR IT AND NOW THEY ARE MANGLED BY MY HUGE.”

You step off to reveal this is the truth.

“Hmm, yes, I see.” Yuuka waggles her mangled hands a bit, and spits out more blood.

“YOU ARE TAKING THIS REMARKABLY WELL AFTER YOUR EARLIER ANGER.”

“Oh, I'm furious!” she says, quite cheerfully. “But ranting and raving won't do me much good now, will it?”

“NAH. HERE, HOLD ON FOR A SEC, I GOTTA CHECK ON SOMETHING.”

You hop off her, LUXURIATING in GLORIOUS VICTORY, and then you put that aside to see to the BROKEN AND BLOODY DRUNK, who is currently laid out on her back a short distance away, staring blankly up at the sky. “HEY.”

Suika slooooowly looks over at you. She is in FUCKIN' HORRIBLE CONDITION.

“ARE YOU DEAD.”

Suika opens her mouth to wheeze something you can't quite make out.

“YOU'RE PROBABLY GONNA DIE.”

“Doyou,” Suika rasps, loud enough to be heard, which is PRETTY IMPRESSIVE considering she's ALMOST HALF A DRUNK at this point. “Doyou, I- I wanna tell you something.”

“...WHAT IS IT, YOU LITTLE SHIT?” You take a knee.

“You're... you're a...” She hacks up blood, and lots of it. GROSS.

Still, you hold her up a bit, the better for her to deliver these FINAL WORDS, for while she is a heretic, she served you MOST RIGHTEOUSLY. “...I'M A WHAT?”

She manages half a grin. “You're a big faggot.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!” you howl at this SIMPLE YET UNEXPECTEDLY EFFECTIVE BURN, right before her eyes roll up. “GODDAMMIT, NOW I'M TORN BETWEEN RAGE AND AMUSEMENT.”

“She's right, you know,” says Yuuka, still too cheerful for her own good.

You set your FIRST CASUALTY back down, turning to the still-pinned PLAID WHORE. “RIGHT NOW I'M GONNA LEAN ON THE SIDE OF RAGE. SON OF A FUCK.” You stomp on over, looming again. “GODDAMMIT. HOW DARE YOU? HOW DARE YOU SULLY MY COMPANY'S PERFECT RECORD OF NO DEATHS BY KILLING HER? YOU ARE A TWAT. I DON'T EVEN LIKE THE BITCH BUT A MARINE HAS TO HAVE PRINCIPLES.

Yuuka cackles bloodily, spitting the crap outta her mouth after a few moments. “Oh, really?”

“YEAH REALLY. NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN TO ME. I HAD A REASON FOR COMING HERE, AND THAT'S THAT ANY BITCH WHO'D HAVE THE TIME AND INCLINATION TO CULTIVATE THIS MANY SUNFLOWERS IS A BITCH WHO WOULD KNOW WHERE OTHER SNOOTY MAGIC BITCHES ARE. HENCE.” You lift a boot, MENACINGLY. “WHERE IS YUKARI.

“...That's it? That's all you wanted?”

“WELL I WAS ALSO SPOILIN' FOR A FIGHT AND HERE YA FUCKIN' WERE, SO.”

Yuuka rolls her eyes. “Oh, my god, you are the worst.
__________

[X] “ANYWAY YOU'RE TAKING ME TO HER BECAUSE THAT IS MY JOB.”

[X] “JUST GIMME SOME DIRECTIONS AND THEN I'LL BE ON MY WAY.” OF COURSE YOU WILL SQUISH HER FACE AFTER GETTING THIS INFORMATION.

[X] “I HAVE OTHER QUESTIONS.” [WRITE IT IN]
 No. 194384
[X] “ANYWAY YOU'RE TAKING ME TO HER BECAUSE THAT IS MY JOB.”

Never not add to the party.
 No. 194385
[X] “JUST GIMME SOME DIRECTIONS AND THEN I'LL BE ON MY WAY.” OF COURSE YOU WILL SQUISH HER FACE AFTER GETTING THIS INFORMATION.
[X] TAKE THE NOW-JOBLESS SHIT RIPPER WITH YOU, THOUGH. NEVER KNOW WHEN MORE SHIT WILL NEED RIPPING.

Yuuka is pretty likely to stab us in the back at some point, which could be a bother.

Shitripper, meanwhile, has shown nothing but cooperation to us this whole time.
 No. 194386
[X] “ANYWAY YOU'RE TAKING ME TO HER BECAUSE THAT IS MY JOB.”
[X] "IF YOU KNOW ANYONE THAT CAN RESTORE THIS LITTLE BOOZE BOTTLE GUARDIAN TO A PROPER STATE, YOU BETTER POINT ME TO THEM TOO."

YOU BETTER NOT FORGET ABOUT THE BEST GIRL, EMPEROR DAMN IT

EVEN IF SHE IS A FILTHY MUTIE
 No. 194387
[X] “ANYWAY YOU'RE TAKING ME TO HER BECAUSE THAT IS MY JOB.”
[X] TAKE THE NOW-JOBLESS SHIT RIPPER WITH YOU, THOUGH. NEVER KNOW WHEN MORE SHIT WILL NEED RIPPING.

Elly.
 No. 194388
[X] “JUST GIMME SOME DIRECTIONS AND THEN I'LL BE ON MY WAY.” OF COURSE YOU WILL SQUISH HER FACE AFTER GETTING THIS INFORMATION.
 No. 194392
>>194386

Anon...Is this the first time you've seen a friend fall in battle? This is part of what it truly means to be a magical giSpace Marine. That being said, the DUOCORN's anger was righteous and true, protecting those who were less angry and, by extension, weaker than her. It's for that reason that I'll side with you on the character development sidequest.

[X] "IF YOU KNOW ANYONE THAT CAN RESTORE THIS LITTLE BOOZE BOTTLE GUARDIAN TO A PROPER STATE, YOU BETTER POINT ME TO THEM TOO.
[X] Take the POWER UMBRELLA and give it to THE BOSS.

An easy way to confirm it's gender since no dude would willingly wield an umbrella as a weapon.
 No. 194394
[X] “JUST GIMME SOME DIRECTIONS AND THEN I'LL BE ON MY WAY.” OF COURSE YOU WILL SQUISH HER FACE AFTER GETTING THIS INFORMATION.
 No. 194396
>>194392
>no dude would willingly wield an umbrella as a weapon

I can think of at least 3 dudes who use umbrellas for weapons by choice in other media, namely that Penguin guy from Batman.
 No. 194397
>>194396

I'm pretty sure that's actually a gun disguised as an umbrella. A clever ruse one might say.
 No. 194398
[X] “JUST GIMME SOME DIRECTIONS AND THEN I'LL BE ON MY WAY.” OF COURSE YOU WILL SQUISH HER FACE AFTER GETTING THIS INFORMATION.
 No. 194400
[X] “ANYWAY YOU'RE TAKING ME TO HER BECAUSE THAT IS MY JOB.”
[X] "IF YOU KNOW ANYONE THAT CAN RESTORE THIS LITTLE BOOZE BOTTLE GUARDIAN TO A PROPER STATE, YOU BETTER POINT ME TO THEM TOO."

BEST CUDGEL'S COMRADE HAS FALLEN. WE MUST PROTECT THAT SMILE AT ALL COSTS.
 No. 194403
>>194392
Kingsman would like a word with you.
 No. 194404
[X] “JUST GIMME SOME DIRECTIONS AND THEN I'LL BE ON MY WAY.” OF COURSE YOU WILL SQUISH HER FACE AFTER GETTING THIS INFORMATION.
[X] "IF YOU KNOW ANYONE THAT CAN RESTORE THIS LITTLE BOOZE BOTTLE GUARDIAN TO A PROPER STATE, YOU BETTER POINT ME TO THEM TOO."
 No. 194407
File 148876852488.png - (557.89KB, 1000x1300, THIS BITCH AIN'T RIGHT.png) [iqdb]
194407
“I AM NOT THE WORST BY DEFAULT BECAUSE I AM NOT ABSOLUTELY HERETICAL, UNLIKE YOURSELF-”

“What religion are you even peddling, here?” asks Yuuka.

You sigh, which coming from your mouth is a noise that would make small woodland creatures flee in terror. “EVEN THOUGH I AM AWARE NONE HERE KNEW OF THE EMPEROR BEFORE MY ARRIVAL, IT STILL CONFOUNDS ME EVERY TIME I HEAR OF IT, YOU UNUSUSUALLY RESILIENT FLOWER WOMAN.”

“Well, I certainly don't care to hear about him now, thank you very much!”

“YEAH I FIGURED. SO HERE, I WILL DO YOUR HERETICAL ASS A SOLID AND LEAVE THIS PLACE – BUT FIRST!” You hold up two mighty fingers. “ONE: WHERE THE FUCK IS YUKARI, SO THAT I MAY PUNCH HER. TWO: THIS PLACE IS FULL OF CRAZY BULLSHIT, SO AS THE ONE WHO HAS SLAIN MY BOOZE GUARDIAN, I HAVE TO ASK; IS THERE ANYTHING THAT CAN RESTORE HER TO A PROPERLY UNBROKEN STATE OR IS SHE JUST TOTALLY DEAD FOREVER.”

Yuuka's just grinning, now, and it's MEGA WEIRD. “The gap hag's at her house, but good luck getting to it without someone to take you there – it's the kind of place you simply cannot find on your own.”

“OH THAT SURE FUCKING HELPS ME.”

She winks. “You need a guide to get there, as it turns out~”

“AHA, SO YOU CAN STAB ME IN THE DICK THE MOMENT I LOOK AWAY? I DON'T FUCKING THINK SO. I'LL FIGURE OUT MY OWN WAY THERE, JUST ANSWER MY NEXT QUESTION.”

Yuuka looks sidelong at Suika, who is still pretty much done. “Oh, unfortunately she's pretty dead. Mm-hm.”

Your fists, already clenched, threaten to break from the HORRIBLE FORCE you are holding back. “YOU ARE A FUCK.”

Yuuka chortles – you have never actually seen CHORTLING HAPPEN before, but it is AMAZINGLY IRRITATING now that you have. “You come into my garden, tear up my flowers, assault me-”

“Y'KNOW WHAT I DON'T GOTTA LISTEN TO YOU,” you say, and so you JUMP into the air, pick your target, FALL – and then you land on Yuuka's face with TWO POWER BOOTS.

And then you stamp down on it a bunch of times to be sure.

When you step off, you're looking at the component pieces of what could once be called a face.

“VICTORY OF A SORTS IS MINE,” you declare, lifting your arms in triumph. After a moment of this, you return to the realm of PRACTICALITY by ripping your SHIT-RIPPER out of Yuuka's body.

Your weapon manages a strangled, despairing “her face is a soup now,” as you rest her on your shoulder, but you ignore her in favor of retrieving the broken body of the BOOZE-ONI and tossing her on your other pauldron. This done, you make your plodding return down the garden, back to your COWARDLY COMPATRIOTS who did not aid you in this quest.
__________

“SO HOW THE FUCK IS IT GOING AT YOUR LITTLE TEA PARTY?” you roar, landing on the scene with a MIGHTY LEAP, enough that the shockwaves bowl over everyone who is not huge like yourself, which pretty much leaves Big Papa as the only dude still standing.

“Uh-”

“WELL THAT'S JUST SWELL.” You hold Suika up for all to see. “CUZ SHE GOT HER ASS KILLED JUMPING IN WHILE YOU QUEERS DECIDED TO FUCK AROUND.”

Everyone looks varying degrees of dismayed, except Parsee, who mostly looks astounded. “But- you went in to fight Yuuka! She should've turned you into paste!”

“AND THEN I STOMPED HER FACE INTO PASTE INSTEAD. SO CONGRATULATIONS, YOUR COWARDICE GOT THE BOOZEHOUND KILLED.” You set Suika down on the ground, which is about the most gentle you have been with someone since you got here. “I WILL LEAVE THE PROPER BURIAL RITUALS TO THOSE WHO ARE FAMILIAR WITH THE LOCAL CUSTOMS. MAY THE EMPEROR BE WITH HER, AS SHE SERVED MOST VALIANTLY.”

“...She'll probably get better?” Saki says, lifting a hand.

WHAT.

“WHAT.”

“We're hardy!” she continues, nervously smiling. “You need a kind of spiritual weapon to-”

“SPIRITUAL WEAPONS, WHAT.”

“She's probably not dead,” Saki finishes, clapping her hands together. “For long!”

“...WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME THIS SOONER. I MEAN, MY HOLY FISTS AND BOOTS AND EVERYTHING ARE HOLY ENOUGH, BUT FUCKING HELL, THIS IS IMPORTANT INFO.”

UGH. The retards you deal with.

“...WHATEVER. SO DO ANY OF YOU NERDS KNOW HOW TO GET TO YUKARI?”

You get quite a lot of 'no's.

“SHIT.”
__________

SO YOU NEED A GUIDE.

[X] INTO THAT WEIRD FOREST OF HUGE TREES, YEAH, THAT SEEMS LIKE A GOOD PLACE TO LOOK.

[X] WHAT IS THIS OTHER FOREST OF BAMBOO AND SHIT, HUH?

[X] TO TOWN! FOR WHERE TOWNS ARE, THERE ARE PEOPLE, AND WHERE THERE ARE PEOPLE, THERE ARE DUDES WHO KNOW WHERE TO TAKE A MARINE

[X] TO THE... MOUNTAIN TOWN? WITH THE RIVER? THIS PLACE LOOKS MORE TECHY.

[X] THAT RED MANSION STILL LOOKS HELLA SNOOTY AND YOU BET SOMEONE THERE WILL BE ABLE TO DO SOMETHING FOR YA AFTER YOU BEAT 'EM UP.

[X] WRITE-IT-IN, AND COME UP WITH SOMETHING GOOD
 No. 194409
[X] TO TOWN! FOR WHERE TOWNS ARE, THERE ARE PEOPLE, AND WHERE THERE ARE PEOPLE, THERE ARE DUDES WHO KNOW WHERE TO TAKE A MARINE

PREACH ON, BROTHER!
 No. 194410
[X] THAT RED MANSION STILL LOOKS HELLA SNOOTY AND YOU BET SOMEONE THERE WILL BE ABLE TO DO SOMETHING FOR YA AFTER YOU BEAT 'EM UP.

SOMEONE NEEDS TO TELL THOSE PEOPLE THE ARISTOCRATS JOKE
 No. 194411
[X] TO TOWN! FOR WHERE TOWNS ARE, THERE ARE PEOPLE, AND WHERE THERE ARE PEOPLE, THERE ARE DUDES WHO KNOW WHERE TO TAKE A MARINE

You are doing well, apprentice. But do you have the fortitude to maintain this pace, or shall the sword fall upon your neck?
 No. 194414
[X] WRITE-IT-IN, AND COME UP WITH SOMETHING GOOD
-[X] WHAT'S THIS. A RELIGIOUS SETTLEMENT THAT CLEARLY ISN'T PRAISING THE ALL HIGH AND MIGHTY EMPEROR? OBVIOUSLY THESE FUCKHEADS NEED TO BE TAUGHT THAT HERESEY IS NOT TOLERATED. AND WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BUTT IS HIM?
 No. 194415
[X] THAT RED MANSION STILL LOOKS HELLA SNOOTY AND YOU BET SOMEONE THERE WILL BE ABLE TO DO SOMETHING FOR YA AFTER YOU BEAT 'EM UP.

Because Remilia has it coming!
 No. 194416
[X] WHAT IS THIS OTHER FOREST OF BAMBOO AND SHIT, HUH?

What would he do against an immortal?
 No. 194417
>>194416

Go full-on Asura's Wrath and/or explode again?
 No. 194418
>>194414

They don't think it be like it is, but it do.

[X] TO TOWN! FOR WHERE TOWNS ARE, THERE ARE PEOPLE, AND WHERE THERE ARE PEOPLE, THERE ARE DUDES WHO KNOW WHERE TO TAKE A MARINE

As soon as I saw this, I pictured Keine and DOYOU engaged in a "That's my Horse" style headbutting competition.
 No. 194419
I don't Miss Kamishirsawa to erase us from history, so I'll vote for the safer option.

[X] THAT RED MANSION STILL LOOKS HELLA SNOOTY AND YOU BET SOMEONE THERE WILL BE ABLE TO DO SOMETHING FOR YA AFTER YOU BEAT 'EM UP.
 No. 194420
[X] THAT RED MANSION STILL LOOKS HELLA SNOOTY AND YOU BET SOMEONE THERE WILL BE ABLE TO DO SOMETHING FOR YA AFTER YOU BEAT 'EM UP.

WE'VE GOT SOME RED ON US, SO WE SHOULD FIT THE DRESS CODE.

FAILING THAT, WE'LL JUST GET SOME OTHER CUNTLICKER (READ: ONE OF THEM) AND USE THEIR MEATPASTE AS PAINT.
 No. 194421
[X] THAT RED MANSION STILL LOOKS HELLA SNOOTY AND YOU BET SOMEONE THERE WILL BE ABLE TO DO SOMETHING FOR YA AFTER YOU BEAT 'EM UP.
 No. 194422
[X] WRITE-IT-IN, AND COME UP WITH SOMETHING GOOD
-[X] WHAT'S THIS. A RELIGIOUS SETTLEMENT THAT CLEARLY ISN'T PRAISING THE ALL HIGH AND MIGHTY EMPEROR? OBVIOUSLY THESE FUCKHEADS NEED TO BE TAUGHT THAT HERESEY IS NOT TOLERATED. AND WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BUTT IS HIM?

But a Flan is fine too.
 No. 194423
[X] WRITE-IT-IN, AND COME UP WITH SOMETHING GOOD
-[X] WHAT'S THIS. A RELIGIOUS SETTLEMENT THAT CLEARLY ISN'T PRAISING THE ALL HIGH AND MIGHTY EMPEROR? OBVIOUSLY THESE FUCKHEADS NEED TO BE TAUGHT THAT HERESEY IS NOT TOLERATED. AND WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BUTT IS HIM?
 No. 194424
[X] THAT RED MANSION STILL LOOKS HELLA SNOOTY AND YOU BET SOMEONE THERE WILL BE ABLE TO DO SOMETHING FOR YA AFTER YOU BEAT 'EM UP.
-[X] HOWEVER, SEND A SMALL TEAM OF FAIRIES TO SCOUT OUT THAT NON-MOUNTAIN TOWN IN THE MEANTIME.

WE MAY BE AN ANGRY FUCK WHO GOES IN FISTS FIRST WITH A THIRST FOR MURDER, BUT WE'RE A TACTICAL ANGRY FUCK WHO GOES IN FISTS FIRST WITH A THIRST FOR MURDER
 No. 194425
>>194424

Two words:

Fairy Infiltrationsidequestthread

If I wasn't posting from my phone, I would change my vote to this
 No. 194426
[x] TO TOWN! FOR WHERE TOWNS ARE, THERE ARE PEOPLE, AND WHERE THERE ARE PEOPLE, THERE ARE DUDES WHO KNOW WHERE TO TAKE A MARINE

Just what Gensokyo needs: more religions.

At least we might get along with Miko with our "Humanity first and last" agenda
 No. 194434
[X] WRITE-IT-IN, AND COME UP WITH SOMETHING GOOD
-[X] WHAT'S THIS. A RELIGIOUS SETTLEMENT THAT CLEARLY ISN'T PRAISING THE ALL HIGH AND MIGHTY EMPEROR? OBVIOUSLY THESE FUCKHEADS NEED TO BE TAUGHT THAT HERESEY IS NOT TOLERATED. AND WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BUTT IS HIM?
 No. 194453
>>194426
Oh shit we could recruit Reimu as a sister of battle
 No. 194467
File 148886476511.jpg - (1.06MB, 992x1403, DOYOU FIGHTS LAND WARS IN ASIA.jpg) [iqdb]
194467
“ALL RIGHT, STRATEGY MEETING.”

You gather everyone around in a circle, which would be easy without all the fairies, but instead it's just kind of awkward with all of them around and underfoot. One is positioned such that a FIERCE SQUAT would be enough to destroy her utterly, which is WEIRD, but okay.

“I SEE SEVERAL LOCATIONS OF INTEREST, LIKE A TOWN. AND A TEMPLE. BOTH OF WHICH NO DOUBT ARE FILLED WITH HERETICAL THOUGHT THAT NEEDS BUSTING. BUT MOST OF ALL MY GOAL IS TO PUNCH YUKARI, AND TO DO THAT I NEED SNOOTY BITCHES TO TELL ME WHERE SHE'S AT.” You point at the distant mansion. “SNOOTY BITCHES LIKE WHAT HAVE PALATIAL ESTATES.”

Big Papa nods thoughtfully. “You mean the Scarlet Devil Mansion?”

The. Scarlet. Devil. Mansion.

You suck in a huge breath.

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING HOLD ON”

You run all the way back up the hill to Yuuka's cooling body, grab her umbrella from nearby, and then run all the way back to your team again, the better to throw the umbrella at the fairy who MAY OR MAY NOT be a TRAP. She grabs it mid-toss, which sends her flying back through the air a ways before she catches herself and stops. The look on her face is one of utter glee as she swings it about, clubbing another fairy probably on accident. “Wowie!”

“YEP, THAT'S A GIRL,” you say, content with this experiment's results. “ANYWAY, BACK TO GOING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-”
__________

“-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-”


I snap out of my nap with a jolt, pushing away from the mansion's gate as I squint at the approaching... invasion force? That's an invasion force. Oh, jeez. Oh man. Oh jeez. And that is one huge fella leading the party, carrying a... a scythe? A scythe girl? What?

...Why do I recognize so many of the people with him?

I shake my head, focusing. “All right, Meiling, hoo-ah, deep breaths.” Gotta psyche myself up for this, because, let's be real, I think I could probably take him, but I'm not so sure about the entire rest of the army he's bringing with him – and I've got about maybe ten seconds to set my orders before I'm on the receiving end of a fist that could probably put me through the entire mansion.

“FAIRIES!” I belt out, and all the assorted maids and hangers-on that flit around out here snap to attention. “DEFENSIVE FORMATION! RUNNERS, GO FOR BACKUP!”

There are times I am glad that they've gone through proper training, such as it is – the girls take to the skies with about as much coordination as you can hope for from a group of fairies, a handful retreating inside the mansion properly to rally aid – and also the Mistress, since I know she likes this kind of show.

As dozens upon dozens of fairies soar into position, I step forward, thrusting a finger at the oncoming horde. “HALT, I SAY TO YOU!”

Amazingly enough, the leading giant skids to a stop, digging up huge furrows through the grass as he does so. “COME AT ME, FUCKER!” he roars, thrusting a giant finger at me in return, other hand resting his (strangely familiar) scythe-girl against a pauldron. “OR YOU CAN HIDE BEHIND ALL YOUR PEEPS LIKE A LITTLE BITCH! EITHER WAY, I'MONNA GETCHA!”

“I fight for the honor of the Scarlet Devil Mansion!” I reply, working my knuckles over. “So you are damn well on[i/], mister!”

The giant grips his weapon in both massive hands, now, which causes the unfortunate girl to emit a distressing squeak. “FUCKIN' FANTASTICO, SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY WANTS TO ONE-VEE-ONE ME.”

“Mornin', Miss Hong!” says Big Papa in the back of their team, waving a meaty hand at me. “Sorry for the inconvenience, but I've just been roped into following this very angry man around!”

The angry man in question spins about to face him. “WHAT WAIT WHAT YOU KNOW THIS BITCH”

[i]Boy,
” says Big Papa, smiling without any actual pleasantness in it. “You watch your tongue.

“OH, FUCK OFF,” is the reply from the shouty giant, and I'm astounded Big Papa doesn't pulverize him for that immediately. In any case, he turns back to me, unpunched. “I WILL GRACIOUSLY IGNORE ANY TIES BETWEEN YOU AND HIM TO BETTER FACILITATE OUR BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER. SO LET'S GO ALREADY COME ON COME ON HURRY IT UP.

I shoot a glance aside at the many fairies hovering nervously about.
__________

[X] “I fight for honor, not WITH honor! Fairies! WASTE HIM!”

[X] “Hold your fire while I handle the big one – keep an eye on the rest of them!”

[X] “Lay into the main force! Their champion is mine!”
 No. 194468
This story appears to take place in the Keymaster universe. Didn't Meiling get into a romantic threesome with Sakuya and Yuuka in Keymaster's stories? And we just totally murdered Yuuka. Well this should be fun once that fact comes to light.

[X] “Hold your fire while I handle the big one – keep an eye on the rest of them!”
 No. 194469
[X] THAT RED MANSION STILL LOOKS HELLA SNOOTY AND YOU BET SOMEONE THERE WILL BE ABLE TO DO SOMETHING FOR YA AFTER YOU BEAT 'EM UP.

RED IS THE COLOR OF HERETICS.
 No. 194470
I WAS A FUCKING IDIOT. IGNORE THAT ONE EARLIER. REMIND ME TO NOT POST ON PHONE.

[X] “I fight for honor, not WITH honor! Fairies! WASTE HIM!”
 No. 194472
[x] “Hold your fire while I handle the big one – keep an eye on the rest of them!”
 No. 194473
[X] “Hold your fire while I handle the big one – keep an eye on the rest of them!”

Taking bets now, how many of the SDM get recruited, and how many of those as weapons.
 No. 194475
[X] “Hold your fire while I handle the big one – keep an eye on the rest of them!”
 No. 194476
[X] “I fight for honor, not WITH honor! Fairies! WASTE HIM!

Isn't there a pit or a cliff we can throw him off of or something?
 No. 194479
[X] “Hold your fire while I handle the big one – keep an eye on the rest of them!”
 No. 194484
[X] “Hold your fire while I handle the big one – keep an eye on the rest of them!”
 No. 194487
>>194467
[X] “Hold your fire while I handle the big one – keep an eye on the rest of them!”

>>194468
Keymaster Yuuka was significantly less of a legit psycho than the Yuuka we just bashed in, so I kind of doubt that.
 No. 194489
[X] “Hold your fire while I handle the big one – keep an eye on the rest of them!”

>>194468
I'm pretty sure that's not actually the case, Big Papa is just here because Big Papa appears to exist in all versions of Gensokyo, past, present, and future.
 No. 194490
>>194487
To be fair, that Yuuka didn't have to deal with an Angry Marine tearing her personal garden to shreds for no reason other than sheer "FUCK YOU"
 No. 194494
>>194468

These two universes are kinda mutually exclusive. Yuuka getting stomped to a bloody pulp in Keymaster's story would be like Elmo's world featuring a story where a Gentleman of African American descent and his merry band of melanin enriched compatriots steal Elmo's TV.

In other words; let's hope Big Papa keeps his mouth shut.
 No. 194499
>>194489
Yeah, but Big Papa isn't the only Keymaster character that we've run in to. We also came across that one teleporting butler dude that hooked up with Parsee in Keymaster's second story.
 No. 194500
GENERALLY SPEAKING, WHILE THERE ARE INDEED CAMEOS FROM OTHER SHIT, I'M NOT RESTRICTING MYSELF TO ANY ONE STORY'S CANON FOR ANYTHING, WHICH BASICALLY MEANS I CAN TOSS WHATEVER I LIKE WHEREVER AND IT'LL JUST KINDA BE LIKE 'OKAY, SO THAT'S A THING NOW, I GUESS'

ANYWAY, CALLING THIS SHIT FOR HONORABURR COMBATTU
 No. 194510
File 148894025986.jpg - (596.84KB, 1206x1320, why is life always suffering.jpg) [iqdb]
194510
For a moment, the temptation to cheat like a bitch is there, but let no one say Hong Meiling is dishonorable. “Hold your fire while I handle the big one – keep an eye on the rest of them!”

“AND HERE I THOUGHT YOU WERE MAYBE GONNA TRY SOMETHING SHITTY,” says my foe, as the fairies collectively sigh in relief.

I flash a smirk his way. “Nah, man, that ain't me.”

NICE.

“So!” I take another step forward, working my knuckles over. “This isn't the first time I've faced someone with a scythe, but looking at you, I bet you could give me one hell of a time with just your hands.” I think on that phrasing, cocking my head. “...No innuendo intended.”

“WELL I SURE AS SHIT WOULD HOPE NOT.”

Roll my shoulders, stretch my legs, settle into a proper fighting stance – ready myself. “Y'know, 'fore we get started, why don't you set that scythe down and come at me like a real man?”

“YOU INSINUATE MUCH ABOUT ME, BUT I'M NOT GONNA MISS A CHANCE TO USE THIS COOL WEAPON I MADE JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE WAS IMPLYING IMPLICATIONS.”

“Darn.” One foot forward, bend the knee, put some power into it, lunge-

He hurls himself aside, of course, swinging at me, but a little adjustment mid-flight sends me to roll across the grass instead of getting a nasty gash. I spring back up a moment later, facing him as he circles around me at a steady walk, twisting his scythe around and around in his hands.

“WHOA HO, WHOA HO HO HO. NOW AREN'T YOU A SPEEDY BITCH?” He storms towards me, scythe hauled back (and screaming!), swings again – and this time I jump, tucking my legs in just in time to avoid them being sliced off.

“I try!” I say, and then I kick him in the face – a little bit of chi surges through my foot in a lovely rainbow explosion, and away he flies! ...Through the brick wall surrounding the mansion. I make a three-point landing, wincing at the property damage. “Ooh, that's gonna hurt my paycheck.”

A huge golden fist grabs a chunk of the wall, pulling my opponent right back to his feet as more wall crumbles under his grip. “I'M GONNA HURT A LOT WORSE THAN YOUR INCOME BY THE TIME THIS IS OVER, YOU INEXPLICABLY-STRONG-LIKE-EVERY-OTHER-BITCH-HERE BITCH.”

“...Just how many people have you fought before me?” I can't help but ask.

“WELL FIRST I PUNCHED MY WAY THROUGH THE UNDERGROUND AND THE ONI THEREIN. AND THEN I PUNCHED A SUNFLOWER CUNT. AND NOW I'M HERE TO PUNCH YOU-”

The blood rushes from my face. “Sunflower. Cunt.”

“YEAH WHAT ABOUT IT”

“O-oh.” Oh gods, um. Uh. Ohhhhh, the scythe makes sense now with the stalks and everything, those are sunflower stalks on that scythe, he beat up Yuuka, is that where the blood on his boots is from, aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAA-

“I CAN TELL BY YOUR EXPRESSION YOU'RE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS, BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW-” He leaps, scythe hauled back overhead, “-THAT THIS DOES NOT COUNT AS A TIMEOUT YOU SILLY BITCH

I hurl myself aside more on reflex than anything, frantically revising his threat level to 'DRAGON, SAVE US', before he smashes into the ground – the scythe gets stuck in there, but instead of ripping it out, he just spins around and dives for me with those massive fists outstretched, hollering something incoherent. I, of course, roll out of the way, scrambling on all fours to get out of his reach-

A massive hand closes around my leg.

“Son of a-” I say, before I'm flung over his head and ...headfirst into the ground.

And then he does it again.

And again.

And “motherfucker,” I snarl, blood dripping down my face as he holds me upside-down and eye-to-eye with him.

“I SENSE MUCH ANGER IN YOU,” he intones. “VERY NICE. VERY GOOD. I APPROVE. ALSO, GOOD ON YOU FOR WEARING PANTS, OR THIS WOULD BE HELLA WEIRD RIGHT NOW.”

I slug him in the face.

COCKS” he bellows, flying away – and tightening his grip on my leg to the point where –

KRRRRACK

“FUCK!” I roar in turn, as he grinds my right leg into a squishy, powdery paste. “OOOOH, I'M GONNA RIP YOUR ARMS OFF AND BEAT YOU WITH THEM, YOU SHIT! AAAAAGH!”

“WELL HOLY FUCKING EMPEROR'S NUTSACK, THAT IS SOME IMPRESSIVE FUCKING ANGER,” says this FUCKIN' PIECE OF SHIT, and then I'm spinning around- “SO LONG, GAY BITCH”

I AM FLYING, OH FUCK, AM I FLYING-


And then I hit a wall with my head.

And then I'm through the wall, thanks to my head.

And then I'm laying on the floor, inside the mansion.

I close my eyes and wheeze.

Today is a bad day.

...Then I hear heavy footfalls on carpet. They pause near me.

“Well, shit,” says a girl. “Uh. You're looking... well, like hot garbage, Meiling.”

I crack my eyes open again, blearily looking at the plate-armored, battleaxe-toting, grim-looking giant of a fairy looming over me. “Hi, Karin,” I groan. “I got my ass kicked.”

She whistles. “Don't think you're gonna be winning any gymnastics competitions on one leg.”

“Ha ha.” I'm silent for a moment. “...So what're you gonna do?”

“YEAH THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION” says the man responsible for this, from dangerously nearby.

“...O-oh,” says Karin, looking at him with newfound realization of what must've happened to me. “Aaah, shit, time to get the shit kicked outta me, I guess.”

I offer a thumbs up. “Sure, sure, good luck with that.”

“Thanks.”
__________

I heft my battleaxe in both hands, glaring uneasily at the huge, gold-armored intruder that glowers right back at me through the hole in the wall, and also the bloody Meiling laid out on the carpet. The sight of him fills me with a sudden, infuriating realization. “So you're the son of a bitch who's responsible for stealing all my screentime.”

He tilts his head. “I DON'T UNDERSTAND, BUT THIS FEELS REMARKABLY META.”

“Ooh, I'm gonna maul the shit out of you,” I growl.

“HA. HA HA HA HA HA.” His shoulders begin to shake. “HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA-”
__________

[X] AXE MEET FACE, FACE MEET AXE

[X] No, no, calm down, be reasonable, take this back outside before even more property damage takes place.

[X] what does he even want why is he here I need to knowwwwwwww
 No. 194511
[X] AXE MEET FACE, FACE MEET AXE

If only she could channel Patchouli's UTTER HATRED of a different armored goon...
 No. 194512
[X] what does he even want why is he here I need to knowwwwwwww

Nice to know that this is all in the same continuity. I assumed it was earlier, but I don't think anyone from different stories interacted.
 No. 194513
[X] what does he even want why is he here I need to knowwwwwwww

This is basically turning into "Doyou Rampages Across THP"

And I love it
 No. 194514
[X] what does he even want why is he here I need to knowwwwwwww

YOU ARE STILL A FUCKBOY. A BEAUTIFUL FUCKBOY, BUT A FUCKBOY NONETHELESS.
 No. 194523
[X] what does he even want why is he here I need to knowwwwwwww

anchorage updates whennnn
 No. 194538
[X] what does he even want why is he here I need to knowwwwwwww

Well then. I guess that solves the issue. It's good to see some memorable cameos, so long as they are deployed effectively. This new development means our trip to see Keine might be a hell of a lot more interesting.
 No. 194539
[x] Mild popularity powers activate
-[x] AXE MEETS FACE

I hope our old MC's bullshit armor is enough to defend against our new MC's bullshit armor.
 No. 194540
>>194539

You have my axe.

[x] Mild popularity powers activate
-[x] AXE MEETS FACE
 No. 194543
[x] Mild popularity powers activate
-[x] AXE MEETS FACE
 No. 194549
[x] Mild popularity powers activate
-[x] AXE MEETS FACE

MAKE WAY FOR A SECOND PROTAGONIST
 No. 194552
[x] Mild popularity powers activate
-[x] AXE MEETS FACE
 No. 194566
[X] AXE MEET FACE, FACE MEET AXE

Now I remember how much I wanted more Anchorage and I am the sad.
 No. 194567
[x] Mild popularity powers activate
-[x] AXE MEETS FACE
So this is why Anchorage has been stalled
 No. 194568
Guys.

What if the secret to getting more Anchorage is befriending/recruiting Karin.

We must not fail.
 No. 194569
>>194568
>implying Sights will ever stop being a fuckboy long enough to continue it
 No. 194570
[x] Mild popularity powers activate
-[x] AXE MEETS FACE

I really want more Anchorage, but failing that, goddammit, Karin is joining our main party. Emperor knows we need someone with experience drilling some measure of discipline into fairies.

Nia still best girl, Koakuma a shit
 No. 194571
File 148901916210.png - (345.27KB, 400x543, cheat.png) [iqdb]
194571
>>194569
>Sights
>Not a fuckboy

Pick one and only one.

[x] Mild popularity powers activate
-[x] AXE MEET FACE, FACE MEET AXE

FACE IS THE PLACE.
 No. 194579
File 148903846846.png - (482.76KB, 1500x1700, FROM THE DUDE WHO'S DRAWN THINGS HERE BEFORE.png) [iqdb]
194579
I could try talking, but even looking at this giant bastard is enough to tell me that's something that would only buy me a few seconds, at best.

So I hit him in the face with my axe.



Normally people do not catch axeblades with their hands.

“HUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUE”


“What the fuck-” I say as he snaps it apart, leaving me with a useless metal rod.

“NICE STICK,” he says as I stare at it, dumbfounded.

Oooh.

Ooooooooh.

I think I'm in serious trouble here.

“I THINK YOU'RE IN SOME SERIOUS FUCKING TROUBLE HERE,” he says (oh gods don't tell me he's psychic too), and I jerk back as a fist lashes out to slay me, just about grazing my nose before I flee toward the ceiling. “OH, AND NOW YOU START RUNNIN' LIKE THE BITCH THAT YOU ARE. NICE.”

“Shut up!” I say, and throw my stick at him. He takes it on the head, and it bounces off without him so much as twitching. “Oh, come on!

“THIS IS KINDA PATHETIC, HONESTLY. BUT HEY, YOU CAN ALWAYS JUST COME ON DOWN AND FIGHT LIKE AN ACTUAL WARRIOR.

Right now, I really wish I could kill someone with a glare alone. “Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, I'll just punch the giant who turned Meiling's leg into soup,”

“Shit hurts,” Meiling concurs, lifting a fist as she chimes in.

I spread both my hands at her. “See?”

The huge man steps through the hole, maneuvers around Meiling, and then stops directly beneath me, folding his arms. “I'M NOT SAYING YOU'RE STUPID, BUT I AM GONNA CALL YA A PANSY BITCH FOR RUNNING AWAY ANYWAY.”

It's only a little shift to angle myself facing downwards, hands pointed at him, and then just a little bit of power pushed through them results in bullets flying, and... and he just stands there as I bombard him with a constant stream of danmaku. “...ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW. IS THIS IT. I GOT MORE OUT OF THE FUCKIN' GATEKEEPER.”

“Why don't you just fuck right off, mister?” I say, ending my barrage and clenching my fists.

“I DUNNO WHY DON'T YOU GET DOWN HERE AND LET ME FIST YOU.”

I blink. And then I make the mistake of thinking about that in detail for a second, a grimace evicting my previous scowl. “Augh. Auuuugh. Why would you give me these thoughts?

He leaps, tearing through a frightening amount of space while I'm distracted. “PSY-OPS, BITCH!

I manage a panicked “Oh shit!” as I fling myself out of the way again, leaving him to catch nothing but air – but then he's swinging one of those huge hands at me, and it just about closes around my foot before I slip out of reach. He lands hard enough to leave imprints in the ground. “Stop with the property damage, you son of a bitch!” I yell at him, taking off down the hallway before he's of a mind to try that stunt again.

He, of course, follows, at a rate that is far too quick for my liking. “MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET DOWN FROM THERE INSTEAD, YOU COWARDLY FUCK!”

“No!”

“OH STOP BEING SUCH A CUNT, YOU- YOU-” It's a hell of a thing to hear someone that loud fall silent in confusion. “...WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN SO I CAN INSULT YOU PROPERLY.”

He may be chasing me, but talking can distract him while I lead him elsewhere. “A fairy! You?”

“I AM ONE OF THE EMPEROR'S BLESSED SPACE MARINES! AND ALSO WHAT, NO, YOU BULLSHITTIN', I HAVE A FAIRY BRIGADE AND I KNOW WHAT FAIRIES LOOK LIKE, YOU'RE NOT ONE OF 'EM.”

“I'm kind of a freak, honestly!” Take the corner hard, keep going, gain even a little ground as he cuts around the corner in a wide turn.

“I CAN TELL! WHAT, YOU SOME KIND OF MID-BOSS?”

Mid-Boss?” The nerve! “I'm the captain, you prick!”

“OH WHOOP DE FUCKIN' DO, THE FUCKING GATEKEEPER'S DONE A BETTER JOB OF STOPPING ME.”

I resist the urge to just drop on down and punch him repeatedly, but these constant slights against my professional pride won't stand.
__________

[X] Patchouli has experience with large, armored assholes, and he's going to go for her sooner or later anyway. To the library!

[X] Back outside! The height advantage'll be mine for sure, since it sure doesn't seem like he can fly. And then I... Well, I'll figure something out.

[X] ...I am going to be in so much trouble for running into the basement, but this is the kind of problem that calls for a Flandre.
__________

>>194512

THERE IS NO SPECIFIC CONTINUITY HERE, FRIENDO. IT'S LITERALLY JUST SHIT FROM WHEREVER. DON'T THINK TOO HARD ABOUT IT.
 No. 194580
[x] Patchouli has experience with large, armored assholes, and he's going to go for her sooner or later anyway. To the library!

YOUR FUCKBOYNESS HAS TICKED DOWN BY ONE BLIP. ONE.
 No. 194581
[X] Patchouli has experience with large, armored assholes, and he's going to go for her sooner or later anyway. To the library!

FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE
 No. 194582
So, how about we stage a pitfight between BOSS fairy and karin? Emperor's chosen fairy cannot lose.
 No. 194583
[X] Patchouli has experience with large, armored assholes, and he's going to go for her sooner or later anyway. To the library!
 No. 194584
>>194582
My thoughts exactly. That or get Karin mobbed by a swarm of fairies hungry for head pats. Whichever.

[X] Back outside! The height advantage'll be mine for sure, since it sure doesn't seem like he can fly. And then I... Well, I'll figure something out.
 No. 194585
[X] ...I am going to be in so much trouble for running into the basement, but this is the kind of problem that calls for a Flandre.

This situation requires a weapon of mass destruction.
 No. 194586
[X] ...I am going to be in so much trouble for running into the basement, but this is the kind of problem that calls for a Flandre.
 No. 194587
[X] Patchouli has experience with large, armored assholes, and he's going to go for her sooner or later anyway. To the library!

THINK OF ALL THOSE MAGIC BOOKS. WHAT A FUCKING NERD SHE IS.
 No. 194590
[X] Patchouli has experience with large, armored assholes, and he's going to go for her sooner or later anyway. To the library!

NNNNEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRDS
 No. 194592
[X] Patchouli has experience with large, armored assholes, and he's going to go for her sooner or later anyway. To the library!

She wont be able to do shit without a distraction and we are it.
 No. 194593
[X] Patchouli has experience with large, armored assholes, and he's going to go for her sooner or later anyway. To the library!

Royal flare?
 No. 194598
[X] Patchouli has experience with large, armored assholes, and he's going to go for her sooner or later anyway. To the library!
 No. 194599
[X] Patchouli has experience with large, armored assholes, and he's going to go for her sooner or later anyway. To the library!

I ONLY LIKE THIS CHOICE FOR THE INNUENDO IT SUGGESTS
 No. 194606
[X] Patchouli has experience with large, armored assholes, and he's going to go for her sooner or later anyway. To the library!

And to the surprise of ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOBODY, it's Patchy by a mile!
 No. 194612
[X] Patchouli has experience with large, armored assholes, and he's going to go for her sooner or later anyway. To the library!

https://youtu.be/R8cZUhiP3us?t=1
 No. 194641
File 148912257144.jpg - (204.75KB, 1000x1285, A WITCH OF SEVERE DISAPPROVAL.jpg) [iqdb]
194641
“Sure, you beat Meiling pretty quick!” I say, my destination clear now. “But I dunno, you seem to be having a hard enough time stopping me, here!”

“IT GOES BOTH WAYS, YOU KNOW, BUT WE COULD JUST SOLVE ALL OF THIS RIGHT NOW IF YOU'D ONLY GET DOWN AND FIGHT ME YOU FUCKY PIECE OF FUCK.

“Yeah, nah!” I have to roll to the side to avoid another one of his massive jumps, but he doesn't get nearly so close this time, at least.

He bellows in wordless rage as he falls again, and then he bellows in entirely more articulate rage once he's back on the ground. “YOU'RE JUST SETTING YOURSELF UP FOR A REAL THOROUGH WORKING-OVER WHEN I FINALLY GOT MY MITTS ON YOU, YOU KNOW THAT?”

I don't know why I'm even slightly surprised that he's able to run full tilt and scream at me at the same time, but that's not going to stop me from firing back. “Ooh, yeah, you've really been doing a good job of that so far!”

“YOU SMARMY SHITTER!”

Heh. Making him angry (angrier?) feels pretty nice, all things considered – but I put that out of mind for now, since my twists and turns have gotten me to the library in good time. The double-doors to it are these massive wooden things that stretch from floor to (very high up) ceiling, but I don't slow down a whit as I approach – ramming shoulder-first into one is enough to send it easily swinging open nigh-weightlessly, leaving me to barge into the library proper.

The place is, not to put too fine a point on it, massive, with the building-sized bookcases and the whole place just being, generally speaking, gigantic for the sake of gigantic, because when you live in a mansion where the chief maid can warp space like this, you might as well.

“...THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY THIS MANSION IS BIG ENOUGH TO SUPPORT A NERD LAIR OF THIS SIZE,” says the giant below, pausing to take stock of the library. “I HAVE SEEN IT FROM OUTSIDE. THIS BREAKS SEVERAL PHYSICAL LAWS.”

“Well, the biggest nerd needs the biggest library!” I say, far too cheerfully for what's about to befall him. I suck in a breath, and yell, as loud as I can manage, “LADY PATCHOULIIIIIII!

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT” comes her answering scream, the witch in question rocketing up into view from her study at the library's center, wreathed in flames, before she then picks me as her destination. There are few things I like less than a furious Patchouli zooming at me with murder clearly in mind, but now? Now I have a target for her.

“OH, EMPEROR,” says the intruder, awe in his voice, “WHAT HAVE YOU BROUGHT UPON ME?”

I, meanwhile, hold up my hands to arrest a fiery impact from a witch enraged at her personal time being interrupted. “Glad to see you're especially angry today, Lady Patchouli!”

She skids to a halt a few feet from me, a crackling inferno of malice. “SHUT THE FUCK UP AND TELL ME WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALREADY.”

“HOLY SHIT,” says the ground-bound giant below. “IF YOU WEREN'T A CHICK, I THINK YOU'D BE A SHOEHORN FOR BECOMING AN ANGRY LIBRARIAN.”

“I AM AN EXTREMELY ANGRY LIBRARIAN-” Patchouli finally takes one good look at him. “ARE YOU A FUCKING SUPERMAN?”

“YES.”

Patchouli claps burning hands over her face, which doesn't seem to actually harm her in the slightest. “OH JOY, ANOTHER ONE, THIS JUST GETS BETTER AND BETTER.”

“THE FUCK YOU MEAN ANOTHER ONE?”

“I MEAN YOUR ONE FUCKBOY FRIEND WASN'T ENOUGH, NOW THEY HAVE TO SEND YOU HERE TO KEEP RUINING MY LIFE.”

“I DIDN'T BRING FRIENDS YOU DELUSIONAL CUNT!”

“FUCK OFF, YOU YELLOW TWIT!”

“WHO'RE YOU CALLING A TWIT, YOU PURPLE WHORE?!”

My head keeps snapping back and forth as they continue hurling swears at each other, because Patchouli's rapid descent into apoplexy is amazing to behold, mostly because it's not directed at me.

Should... Should I do something, here?
__________

[X] Oh, no, no no no, I know how this goes. I get involved, then he beats the tar out of me while Patchouli tries to murder him and then I get set on fire as collateral damage. Nope. They can handle each other just fine. I'll just take a seat and watch.

[X] ...Patchouli'll probably set her sights on me if I don't do something here, won't she? Ugh. Guess I'm earning my paycheck running interference for her.

[X] I think I'm just gonna go and hide now? Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good. This is outside my pay-grade.
 No. 194642
[X] I think I'm just gonna go and hide now? Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good. This is outside my pay-grade.
 No. 194643
[X] ...Patchouli'll probably set her sights on me if I don't do something here, won't she? Ugh. Guess I'm earning my paycheck running interference for her.

A FAE MUST DO WHAT A FAE MUST DO. AND THAT MEANS GETTING HER FACE GROUND INTO THE FLOOR.
 No. 194648
[X] Oh, no, no no no, I know how this goes. I get involved, then he beats the tar out of me while Patchouli tries to murder him and then I get set on fire as collateral damage. Nope. They can handle each other just fine. I'll just take a seat and watch.

Direct involvement comes with too much personal risk, but hiding and waiting it out is boring. This is the optimal solution.
 No. 194651
[X] Oh, no, no no no, I know how this goes. I get involved, then he beats the tar out of me while Patchouli tries to murder him and then I get set on fire as collateral damage. Nope. They can handle each other just fine. I'll just take a seat and watch.

I wonder, if they just keep building anger off each other, will they become friends? Like achieve some kind of fury nirvana and decide to join forces?

If this is even possible, then the chance is slim. But goddammit I'm making the bet anyway.
 No. 194652
[X] Oh, no, no no no, I know how this goes. I get involved, then he beats the tar out of me while Patchouli tries to murder him and then I get set on fire as collateral damage. Nope. They can handle each other just fine. I'll just take a seat and watch.

Fire burns. Fire also spreads.
 No. 194654
[X] Oh, no, no no no, I know how this goes. I get involved, then he beats the tar out of me while Patchouli tries to murder him and then I get set on fire as collateral damage. Nope. They can handle each other just fine. I'll just take a seat and watch.

Can a Heretical Witch be an ANGRY MARINE!?

We'll FIND THE FUCK OUT!

We'll find the fairy LATER.
 No. 194656
[X] Oh, no, no no no, I know how this goes. I get involved, then he beats the tar out of me while Patchouli tries to murder him and then I get set on fire as collateral damage. Nope. They can handle each other just fine. I'll just take a seat and watch.
-[X] Sell tickets.
 No. 194661
[X] ...Patchouli'll probably set her sights on me if I don't do something here, won't she? Ugh. Guess I'm earning my paycheck running interference for her

Knowledge is power... Guard it well.
 No. 194662
[X] ...Patchouli'll probably set her sights on me if I don't do something here, won't she? Ugh. Guess I'm earning my paycheck running interference for her.

The SHIT-RIPPER OF REDEMPTION has been pretty quiet during all of this.
 No. 194666
[X] ...Patchouli'll probably set her sights on me if I don't do something here, won't she? Ugh. Guess I'm earning my paycheck running interference for her.
 No. 194675
[X] Oh, no, no no no, I know how this goes. I get involved, then he beats the tar out of me while Patchouli tries to murder him and then I get set on fire as collateral damage. Nope. They can handle each other just fine. I'll just take a seat and watch.

I forgot how hilarious Angry Patchy is. I need more!
 No. 194686
[X] ...Patchouli'll probably set her sights on me if I don't do something here, won't she? Ugh. Guess I'm earning my paycheck running interference for her.
 No. 194691
Holy shit, there's enough activity on /th/ to push a daily story off the first page.
 No. 195444
I REALIZE I NEVER MADE A LINK TO THREAD FIVE SO HERE'S A LINK TO THREAD FIVE BECAUSE I AM ON TOP OF THINGS >>194695


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