No questions here, just a general comment that I'm glad to see a new exhibition. Would be nice if it was as lively as the last one... and maybe if entries were about as short.

>>19215
Nobody is stopping you from writting a little instead of a lot, besides a 1K word exhibition like last time, i.e one without a limit on entries you can post, is bound to be shitted up.
As the kids say.

>>19216
There wasn't a stated hard limit because it's generally been understood on the site forever that it's reasonable to only post a singular entry in a contest or event. And, honestly, there's never been anything stopping people from posting miniaturised shitpost entries in any event prior, and they have appeared in vanishingly small numbers. It's always been an unspoken social contract that people will moderate themselves in these things and take them somewhat seriously.

Anyway, it's less about a specific hope for entries being a specific length and more about a hope for, well, liveliness.

>>19217
Liveliness equates to quantity, something that famously does nt make up for a lack of quality.

This is no lower (or upper) word limit: if you think you can write an intelligible and engaging story with fewer words, go for it. If you think you need more, go with more. Quality is not dependent on word count and it can be as tough or tougher to write a shorter story as every word may carry a lot more weight. That aside, as stated in the opening post, I advise people to spend a fair amount of time polishing up their entries regardless of their length. Do the best that you can do with your story and it'll turn out well.

People participating in good faith and engaging others is what makes things lively. These events are meant to be fun for all.

We're about a week in and I hope those who are participating have had the chance to think through their ideas and are refining them. If you're still on the fence, there's still plenty of time to throw your hat in and figure things out.

>>19224
I can't decide on anything. My head just goes blank.

Does the main emotion of the story have to be delightful for it to fit the theme of Comfort or is it allowed to have other emotions as long as it relates to the theme?

>>19227
I'm unsure what you mean by "delightful" but how themes are interpreted or how they are implemented is up to the writer. I gave a range of examples of what these could mean in the "Themes" section of the opening post and I think they encompass a range of interpretation. That said, while that is meant to be a guide, those examples aren't meant to be exhaustive nor binding.

>I'm unsure what you mean by "delightful

I meant does the story have to make you feel happy so it can fit the themes of comfort or does it have to bring a positive uplifting mood to the viewer.

>>19230
>how themes are interpreted or how they are implemented is up to the writer.
I don't know how much clearer I can be that writers have total creative freedom.

Don't worry I understand now. I was just concerned if my entry would stray away from being a story about comfort if it didn't have a happy or down to earth tone.

What about explicit or NSFW content?

That is a good question.

>>19233
The answer to most queries like that is "no one's stopping you." It's not like anyone's going to swoop in and say that you're disqualified and delete your posts. There's no stakes, so there's no reason to get too worked up. You just might not get that many people willing to give feedback. Or maybe you will. It's all pretty random like that.

>>19235
Technically, yes, but there are still unspoken rules that people should abide by like not posting more than one entry. Sure there's technically nothing stopping you from posting multiple entries or writing smut.
But just because you can do something doesn't mean you should or that it will be accepted as part of the competition.

>>19233
>>19236
>In case it isn’t clear, the idea here is for people to participate and have fun, generating interesting and different stories. There aren’t very specific rules as to what does and doesn’t count in terms of entries. There are no real stakes as there will be no voting at the end to find a “winner” nor will there be a discrete prize. In other words, writing and sharing your thoughts on stories should be the goal unto itself.

My own opinion about NSFW posting content is to add a bit at the top of the post stating that it is NSFW as a courtesy for whomever might care about that. Just seems like the decent thing to do although whole site is already an 18+ space.

>how themes are interpreted or how they are implemented is up to the writer.
uhuh.

We're about halfway through, hope everyone is hard at work!

>>19255
It took me a long time to get started and I'm not making mindblowing progress. Trying as hard as I can. Just hope I can make it.

>>19257
me too. i'm slow reading and even slower writing. i'm lucky enough to have written a bit of something along these lines (i think) that i haven't touched in like two months. though im not sure how 'standalone' it is. maybe i need a bit of explanatory stuff. also i keep getting self-conscious aaaaaaaaaa

>>19255
I started writing and then I fell down a rabbithole of Japanese mythology research. >_<

We're a little over a week out from the deadline, hope things are going well for the writers. Still plenty of time left to finish, revise, and polish as necessary.

>>19267
I've written things out from beginning to end. Now there's a whole section I need to rewrite, and then hopefully I can edit everything and be done. I suspect that former part is going to be arduous. Maybe I'll have time left. Maybe.

Its only [now/i] I know what to write and publish, but I'll go more detail about the creative process after everything's submitted

haven't been writing the last few days. i really should finish up then go through it properly. maybe add a bit more.

I wrote a story based on Touhou 20 and then right before the exhibition ZUN drops a new CoLA chapter full of Touhou 20 lore ;_;

>>19276

I thinks it's worth bringing up that My story was going to be based on FW [but/i] I dont know much about the cultural inspirations behind the characters well enough to make a good enough story about them, so I ended up making a story about a more familiar character (kinda spoilers?)

Suffering extreme delays. Something tells me I'll have to post past the deadline.

>>19278
not sure myself. technically, i'm almost finished but i'm having second thoughts about a fair chunk of it.

I guess I did okay even with a late start. Maybe diverted from the initial concept some, but I feel like it was a lot more intentional on balance than other stuff I've done. I wonder if the thematic relevance of things will be apparent. I hope so.

>>19280
I feel like what I've written so far distances itself away from the initial theme, but I can't afford to write everything over from scratch because I made a promise to myseld to submit everything on time.

Also kinda of a stupid question but it's for the sake of avoiding errors in my entry: how do I properly put italics in my text without making the entire post in Italics?

>>19281
The FAQ on the home page has examples of formatting. The preview button is also your friend.

That said, there are little formatting buttons right above the text field that just insert the tags for you. Image relevant.

Since it's the eve of the exhibition I want to say this. Regardless if you've finished or not I hope you enjoyed writting and that it came from the heart!

I'm going to need to sit down and write like mad tomorrow. I know what I'm doing. I might even know how I'm doing it. But the typing just isn't happening. Extra annoying because I'm trying to do something that absolutely needs multiple drafts and would've appreciated time for beta reading, but that's just what I get for blundering into the unfamiliar.

It's time! The entries thread is now live:
>>/shorts/3360

Looking forward to seeing what people have written.

>>19283
>I hope you enjoyed writting and that it came from the heart!
thank you, and i wish your words on everyone as well. think i've found a way to reconcile my conflicting ideas. the dialectics are in motion.
>>19284
good luck.
>>19280
>a lot more intentional on balance
i haven't thought much about themes beyond the surface level and i still have little idea beyond just typing words. but i think boundaries are purposely set wide, fitting the theme (ha) of an exhibition. it's a matter of how one weaves it i guess. or not, since you apparently can just choose one.

Bweh... Might run late but I'll do my best!

I'm in a mad rush to finish my work in time, but even if I do I fear I'll be too tired to assess it properly. So, yeah, I think I'm also going to be late, but I'm trying not to be if I can.

>>19288
It's okay Anon, as long as you tried your hardest you've succeeded. This isn't a job or an obligation so don't feel too guilty.

I published my entry yesterday, but I recently wrote a fic that I feel like is better than what I posted. Do I post the new fic or do I leave up my old entry?

Alright, it's been long enough I think, so I'm calling things to a close. Congratulations to everyone who participated and I hope you had fun writing! Make sure to share your thoughts and comments freely in this thread.

>>19289
I'm a little proud of myself, honestly. The hardest thing for me lately has been actually sitting down and writing, so starting at 9PM and writing straight through to 5 felt pretty good, health concerns aside, even if I still didn't finish the piece.

I'd probably get cold feet about posting it anyway. Amateur poetry, you know? From someone who's only attempted it a couple times before. Something about that is even more nerve-wracking than usual.

Maybe I'll work on it a little more today and maybe we'll find out.

Looking forward to the reviews ~~

I’m going to be doing comments by parts since there’s about nine stories and many them are long. I’ve started with a few of the shorted stories because it was easier. I’ll get around to the rest in due course and I’ll link to this post for clarity that I’m continuing.

I tried to focus on the things that were most obvious or useful in terms of feedback as best I could judge. If someone wants me to expand or clarify, feel free to ask and I’ll happily get back to you in due course.

Tomorrow will be Yesterday

I’ll tackle the obvious elephant in the room: I’d wager you’re not too experience with writing in English. There are a load of strange and incorrect grammatical constructs including random capitalization, questionable semicolon usage, unusual word usage, and improper comma usage.

I’ll cover a few of the simple examples but I think you should consult a style guide and/or just read more to get a better feel for how things work.

>an outlandish from another world
Probably meant an “outlander” but that’s not really common usage in English. “Stranger” or “intruder” probably would have been better, more comprehensible, alternatives. There are a few other examples of strange word choices like “collective” or “pastorals”—your meaning is understood after thinking about it, but it’s not the usual way that things would be phrased.

>semicolons
Start them with lowercase unless it’s a proper noun; they are attached to the preceding sentence as if with a comma, though they also can stand on their own if they really have to (hence the period on the bottom).

>capitalization
Unless it’s a proper noun (e.g. “Reisen”) or the beginning of a sentence, use lowercase.

>commas
There’s a lot here, like the inconsistent usage of the parenthetical comma:
>Reisen too was lunar […]
>Reisen, too, was lunar […]
>Technicolor Lights used to dance and glimmer around Japan, but to Reisen,
>Technicolor Lights used to dance and glimmer around Japan but, to Reisen,
If it’s a bit of sentence that can be omitted, that’s what should go between commas.

And there’s issues with capitalization after a comma and improper placement here and there. There’s more but I’ll repeat the call that you should consult a style guide; the rules aren’t so difficult once you understand the logic.

There’s more but I don’t want to nitpick too much.

As for the story itself: I dig the concept of Reisen sneaking away to the real, kinda ruined, world in order to get away from goings-on at home. There seems to be a clear intention to set the scene with stark terms descriptors and contrasting images of before and after which still work, though they are somewhat generic. I understand all that was done for setting the scene but I would have liked a bit more on Reisen’s psychological state and maybe a bit more of how she interacted with the ruined world instead of just being told of all the troubles she has in Gensokyo. Perhaps a sense of escalating risk-taking or development would have also made the story a little more dynamic.

Co-dependency

There are some issues like I pointed out with the previous story eg:
>[…] As one of the soldiers in another trench readied a rocket, she saw the low squad turret spin around to another trench that was still pouring on rifle fire, before with a surprisingly quiet thunk sound, it shot out a shell that exploded inside the trench, before the troops in the other trench fired their rocket launcher, and the vehicle went up in flames.

This is difficult to parse and doesn’t use parenthetical commas properly and could likely be its own paragraph split up for better legibility like:

>As one of the soldiers in another trench readied a rocket, she saw the low squad turret spin around to another trench. The trench continued to pour out rifle fire until the turret shot out a shell that was made a surprisingly quiet thunk sound. The shell exploded inside the trench before the troops in the other trench fired their rocket launcher and made the vehicle go up in flames.

There’s many ways to do it but, when in doubt, use shorter declarative sentences where subject, object, and verb are easy to track.

>While tracked, this one was much larger, with a still rather squat hull topped by a much larger turret, with a giant barrel protruding out the front, easily reaching out over the front of the vehicle.
>While tracked, this one was much larger but still had rather squat hull. It was topped by a much larger turret, with a giant barrel that protruded out front and easily reached out over the front of the vehicle.

>Rations were tied to production quotas, miss a quota, well, I hope you like going hungry.
>Rations were tied to production quotas. Miss a quota and, well, I hope you like going hungry.

There’s also some issues with commas here and there, but nothing too terrible. That said, If you’re the person who wrote about moon rabbits last exhibition, you’ve improved significantly in a technical sense. Keep at it! If not, cool to see that there’s another moon rabbit appreciator hanging around.

As for the story itself, I don’t really care about grimness of war nor its trauma but neither to I recoil at their depiction. I think that it’s an interesting take on moon rabbit psychology given their (likely) experiences in any sort of significant conflict. But…. I don’t know if there’s much there there. I mean this is a general, contextless sort of thing with an original character and without anything that anchors it to Touhou beyond “it’s a moonrabbit.” That is the kind of thing that might work better in a longer piece (a longer short story or novella) where we can get a better sense of the character, the stakes, and the world as it exists. Otherwise it’s just an OL with PTSD cohabiting with a human. Might be the kind of fodder for an anthology, a sort of vignette in something that tells a greater story. That said, I still would pat the bunny on the head and tell her that everything’s alright.

Tabula Scripta

Ah, that was fun to read. It’s very evident that you’ve chosen to go full-fairytale in your style and it works for the most part, possibly because you’re being coherent with the liberties taken regarding an otherwise underdeveloped and irrelevant character. They come off as sensible and, mostly amusing, choices. While I wouldn’t go as far to say things are madcap, the sort of logic and development presented in the story makes plenty of sense and keeps up a constant, driving, pace. The usage of language is consistent and descriptors pithy. It’s overall charming. But there are still a few small cases here and there such as the car crash and the roadside cat in the beginning that took an extra close reread to parse properly. Fairly polished entry, regardless.

Still, as understandable as your approach may be, it’s still thin gruel in terms of characterization—there’s more of a sense of attributes than personality to the characters, which includes the Ellen cameo. I don’t wish to be too critical because I did enjoy the reading it but there’s also nothing that I think is going to stick with me going forward, either about the plot nor about Mike herself. Yes, this an intrinsically unfair critique given the necessary constraints of the short story format but I’m not sure there’s much that makes the story stand out its own strength beyond already being familiar with and invested in miscellaneous youkai.

Still, again, I enjoyed the ride. It felt silly in just the right places.

The Geezer Gaiden[b]

Old men (even when young) are my spirit animal.

I liked this story a lot in part because you’ve done something that I think I’ve suggested in previous exhibition threads (and in the discord, for sure) and even mentioned in my critique of an earlier story: used vignettes. This works really well here because, while you have your barflies as your anchors, you are also able to pepper in this or that character in each scene and develop, over the course of all the parts, something more than the sum of scenes. A story that had Marisa’s dad throughout would risk doing too much with him, for example, and get lost in the weeds in terms of overall message. Placing a button on each part with variants of “alcohol flowed” is a simple but effective way to sew things up together.

The story content itself is a bit schmaltzy and you’re not exactly breaking new ground but I think it’s still a neat little exploration of a perspective we don’t get a lot of in Gensokyo in various works. The passage of time and how things come to change are easily and universally understood as is the pleasure that comes from sharing moments (and drinks) with friends and others. It’s tempting to ask for a bit more development for some of the cameos that those in the know would know about but not necessarily the general reader, but that also risks getting things too bogged down; it’s better to focus on the core message even if the story isn’t as great as it could possibly have become.

With that said, there’s still a bit of weirdness here and there. First, the flow and certain bits of phrasing: they come off as a bit stiff and unnatural in parts and either you needed a polish pass or two more or maybe if you’re not that experienced writing it might be a matter of practice. It’s nothing that took me out of the story, mind, but there’s a little unnecessary friction present at times.

There were also a few grammar issues, some of which I’ve noted in previous critiques but some examples:

>“Ah, don’t sweat it Morichika.
In directly addressing someone in dialogue or text, add a comma as it removes possible ambiguity and improves legibility: >”Ah, don’t sweat it, Morichika.

Dialogue is pat of a sentence and so if you’re adding a tag (ie: “said X”) it should be appropriately punctuated and capitalized:
>”This is how it works,” said Anon.

You can have a full stop and the following words in a paragraph be capitalized but they would then be treated as independent sentences. Just like this sentence is independent of the previous one. I spotted a an extra or missing comma or two as I read though you’re overall pretty okay about those. There’s a million different websites with brief rules and examples for dialogue tags and comma usage. Check one of them out and you’ll see that there’s a consistent logic there that’s easy to remember.

Also this is more of a style thing but abbreviations (such as Mr.) often have punctuation depending on regional customs. You seem to be using British spelling for most things so an “Mr” is fine but for consistency’s sake, you may wish to use single quotes ‘’ instead of double quotes “” in dialogue as that’s the standard in the UK + Commonwealth.

---

This isn’t directed at any one in particular but is a useful resource for anyone looking for a concise and descriptive instead of prescriptive guide for English style and grammar: The Cambridge Guide to English Usage (2004) by Pam Peters. This is an immensely useful book to consult as it covers things by category in alphabetical order and is both clear and concise. The fact that it is descriptive means that it isn’t opinionated and simply presents usage across regions and styles.

Hopefully the color caught your eye, writers who wish to master the details.

I initially planned this post being about my reviews on the entries but I haven't read everything yet (to be specific I've only read 3/9 works so far) so I'll save it for tomorrow. For now, I'm going to talk about my entry for the exhibit, Tomorrow will be Yesterday and the many issues I had with it and the making of it.

There's so many issues I have with it that could've been fixed if I didn't have so much obstacles in my way (which will be addressed later here)
>>I’d wager you’re not too experience with writing in English
It's not that I'm not experienced in writing in English, it's more like I forgot how to write epistolaries. I was the only one who had eyes and thoughts on my work so I couldn't get or find anyone available to provide me feedback or criticism on my work and I tried not to make things sound too flowery or convulted but looks like I failed.
>>consult a style guide and/or just read more to get a better feel for how things work.
I did try to read and find a style guide, but I feared that I might spend more time finding a style guide than writing.

The Story was one of the obstacles I faced. It took me 3 weeks trying to find a story that felt right and fitting with the themes of either / both comfort and community. The original story was going to be about Seiran and Reisen, but I felt like Sunshowery on A03 made a better story on the topic that I doubt I could do. The story that I came up later were me jumping back and forth between a story about Reisen panicking over that fortune slip telling her that something bad will happen to her to her life prior to being in the LDC where she's homeless and poor. I couldn't think of anything after 2 paragraphs so I scrapped the idea. What I landed on was a somewhat introspective story about wanting to separate yourself from a community that assumes that you'll feel the same way about things as they do.
>>Reisen’s psychological state
>>interacted with the ruined world instead of just being told of all the troubles she has in Gensokyo
That was the thing that bothered me the most about what I submitted. I was going to go more in depth on this, but I literally wrote 3 different versions of this story in a span of 8 hours and again, I worked on this fic for weeks and got nowhere and on top of that, it was done the day after submissions started, so I had to rush everything which did harm the quality of the story.

There was a part of me that wanted to make TWBY touch on the idea of Reisen experiencing Suicide Ideation and Self harm; the title was intended to be link to the idea of never expecting to see yourself live the next day and assuming tomorrow will be terrible only for it to be decent, but I feared that story would be too bleak for the exhibit so I pressured myself to make it more "comforting" but there lies the next obstacle, I don't know what comfort feels like emotionally. I don't want to get too personal, but I suffer from similar things and writing about bleak shit was what came naturally to me. It felt cathartic in that sense. To write a story about something I'm not so familiar with was challenging. I know I didn't have to, but I did it because I felt like people would anticipate reading a feel good fic. Circling back on topic, My interpretation of Reisen heavily revolves around the concept of her being arrested in a state of Compunction; Not knowing what you want to do or who you are but you can't tell anyone how you feel because you'll end up saying something different, making everyone just as confused as you are. I mentioned in the 4th discussions thread about Reisen and DID which also was supposed to be in the fic, but didn't know how to write it in a way that only made sense to me; Not everyone has to same take on characters. The Ruined Japan she goes in was inspired by Yokohama Kaideshi Kiko and the Horizon, both taken place within Destroyed Societies. She went there with the intention of dying in a world where no one in Eientei could find her, especially when they can't leave Gensokyo, but couldn't decide on whether or not she actually wanted to die or just wanted a break from social interaction and the turbulent landscape of Gensokyo. Reisen imagined herself as being an object in space that couldn't decide whether or not she wanted to be grounded by earth, floating in space, explore different places outside of the solar system or cease to exist.

Something that I should've brought up in the fic is that Humanity here doesn't know whether or not they wanted to leave the ruined Japan, fix it back to its previous state but stronger or take their lives. It can link to Reisen's uncertainty about her potential suicide. The reason why she would consider it is to see what would happen to her in the afterlife. Would she go to heaven? Hell? Another life in another body? Who would be the first one to notice that she's dead? Would anyone in that state of Japan notice that there's an outsider trying to take their life on their land?

The entire "Humans call it Sadism but she saw it as Catharsis" thing was meant to touch upon the idea that Reisen seeing living beings getting hurt invoked a feeling that was neither delight or disgust, but something that she wanted to see more of. Seeing buildings destroyed and submerged underwater, people suffering from poverty didn't come off to her as "Haha I love seeing people suffer!" But "I can't stop looking at it". As for the self harm thing, there was going to be a scene where Reisen would intentionally starve herself or smashing her hand against a wall only for her to eat a big plate of food and tend her broken hand but I couldn't get the time to do so.

Unfortunately, that wasn't in the fic and the final product was convuluted and rushed. The ideas I stuck with came to me at a very poor time and I didn't get the time to flesh them out.

>>Reisen and DID
Oh I forgot to mention that with Reisen and DID, I would portray it as Reisen not knowing who she's supposed to be so she ends with identities that soley exist to accommodate her surroundings rather than actually doing things from her perspective. It gets to the point that when people talk to her, they feel as if they aren't talking to a person but talking to something that's mimicking human emotions. It would highlight her being considered alien to those around her, be it gensokyo, the outside world and the moon. Not entirely related to the fic, but I think the fact that Reisen wears a generic suit in a world where everyone wears either cultural east asian clothing or outfits that you'd expect out of a western fantasy world is what I think punctuates her weirdness. Even in the ruined Japan, You can't assume what job she has because a Black suit can mean literally anything yet at the same time nothing. On the moon, the suit comes off as meaningless in the sense she's never actually fought in a war and only wears the uniform out of a desire to look cool or powerful.

Continuing from >>19294

Night, Outside

I would have been able to tell you were the person who wrote Burakamin even if you hadn’t said anything. I enjoyed that story even though it was too long for the format and had its rough edges. I feel like some of what I’m going to say here is probably going to overlap with what I said back then. But first: yeah, works as a standalone thing just fine. And, OC aside, I think it still captures a lot of the spirit of Touhou and presents that more convincingly that many others stories have in the past.

I think that this is a better story than Burakamin in every sense. You’ve improved on a technical level and the storytelling feels less rushed (though the shorter format likely had something to do with that) and there’s more space to take in the mood. And, speaking of which, I think that you’re rather adept at setting the mood and deploy evocative language effectively in places. You don’t quite overstep and reach into florid territory with the prose though I will come back to this area later.

As much as I enjoy your world building, however, I think most of the first part could be omitted. There’s nothing really that happens to our outsider that seems to be really relevant to the story being told beyond just more examples of human-youaki interactions and partnerships. But that doesn’t really affect anything in the plot nor does it really seem to affect the old man’s state of mind or inform his later actions; there’s nothing really set up or invoked so in that sense it’s gratuitous. It’s interesting to me to be clear but it doesn’t make the story stronger. (As part of a larger story, it could be relevant, that said.) Could have easily have started with the old man leaving town, feeling or thinking things in the wild before turning to the kappa and nothing really changes in terms of important dynamics.

I did enjoy the interaction with the kappa quite a bit. It feels believable and, more importantly, the depiction of the intimacy between them is enticing. Many authors are often at a loss how to depict interpersonal interaction, especially for prolonged periods of time, so it’s refreshing to see someone who has a clear idea of how things between two characters play out. Yes, it’s cute, but more than that, I do buy that they lean on one another in different ways and that they have a deep affection for one another. Easily the strongest part of the story.

With all of that said, there are still various shortcomings here that I feel I should point out. I praised your ability to establish mood and there’s a smoothness in the progression for the most part but there’s also a lot of the prose that sounds off and unnatural.

Here’s a few examples of what I mean:
>Inside, its menagerie of visitors by midnight had seemed not much different to the townfolk. His short time there was rather uneventful, no different from the evening hours, except for the missing fixture of a reserved crimson-haired waitress fleeting about.
>[...] he likes to think he's fully chosen of his own solitude, the truth can be less fortunate, and every now and then the illusion cracks.
>A few eyes from the older gentlemen have been trailing him […]
>No, they never prick as much as those who spurn him away when he means to help.
>Even the audacious grin that crowns this particular mischief is faithfully plastered on her.
>His jittery fingers conspire for a sneaky pat, treacherously reaching for her trembling dome but he is forced to rapidly pull the reins when her eyes become anew with clarity.
>Her breath warms his cheek while, all around him, a sweet scent of apples begins to haze.

Now, I think some of this might be because you’re maybe overusing a thesaurus and your word choices come off as unnatural in the context. I know that varying up your prose is important but not to the point of risking it coming off as odd. I generally believe that you can use whatever word, even if it’s archaic, if it’s precisely the word that needs to be in any given sentence. Being conscious of the deliberate effect a specific word might have is important. If you’re just using a different word for the hell of it, then things can being to read weird really quickly.

Also, I think I might have asked if you weren’t a native speaker last time around? If not, it still seems like it but, like I said, you’ve improved a bunch. This is the sort of thing that gets better with practice and more exposure to texts (i.e. read books all day, every day). That’s more general advice that I think is always applicable.

Oh and, also, you seem to have issues with prepositions (or, if you want to be proper about it adposition).
Like,
>but he does not budge to her pressure.
It should either be “under her pressure” or “yield to her pressure”. Pressure builds up inside, acts upon; one withstands or endures it; they could always yield or give way to some force as well.

>peeked around
Peeking is a quick look or glance that’s targeted so at, towards, [i[through[/i] and the like.

(The “fleeting about” sentence highlighted earlier is also an example.)

Yeah, this is stupid bullshit that you just have to suck up and learn, sorry. But if you think things through in terms of what the word means and how the action is manifested in the world you’ll be able to make sense of the spacial or temporal relationship between subjects/objects and the like in a sentence. Could be worse, though, some other languages have really gnarly grammatical conventions in this area. English is relatively simple and, mercifully, it uses way fewer postpositions as well.

… Sorry if it seems I’m being a little too harsh but, once again, I enjoyed your story and your perspective on things. You’ve already improved compared to last time and I have no doubt that you can keep on growing as a writer. Maybe someone else who reads this post will find the analysis and critique useful as well.

>>19295
It's a shame that you weren't able to do the story as you might have liked but at least you made a fair effort. That's worth celebrating.

---

I'll try to post more as I find the time to read and think about what to say. I'm not particularly rushing through so sorry if you're really looking forward to feedback. Hopefully others will pick up the slack.

I've tried to distill what I feel are pertinent points with most of these, but I might skew a little into personal taste and/or pedantry. Feel free to follow up if something's lacking, I guess. Anyway, firing in with my own brand of bullshit.

By the way, I reference a thing that Summerfield called Pure Fanfiction Formula (PFF), where things come up in a story as a sort of stand-in for the assumed significance to the audience of the relevant property. There's also a more general dimension to it in terms of a certain... 'basicness' in approach that a lot of fanfiction often has to prose or storytelling. See >>18284 for more clarity, I guess.

Hieda Legacy ~ Bonds Through Time
So, on the whole, this is a story I don't dislike. If anything, I think it's... decent in its conception. I want to really like it a lot more than I do. The main thing for me amounts to a lot of conceptual quibbles and issues with the execution of things.

To start, I generally feel like the piece itself was a lot longer than it needed to be. The dialogue, which makes up the majority, often stretches out a bit far and takes a few too many unnecessary turns. Before even that, though, I'd say there's whole movements of the story that aren't really necessary. For instance, was everything regarding Hieda no Amu's tea set or Hieda no Ami's engraved stone absolutely needed to tell the same story? I contend that they weren't. After all, the core of the connection between Keine and Akyuu seems to come down to the former's personal connection with (non-crow) Aya. Well, honestly, that part probably should have got more focus, considering the emotional weight.

Following on that, the core conceits about Akyuu having 'finished' her work on the Gensokyo Chronicle and not having any real sense of her predecessors as people both feel pretty unconvincing to me. The Gensokyo Chronicle is in its nature a living document who compilation only truly finishes for a time when its editor (i.e., currently Akyuu) dies. There are always things that can be added or changed because it's at least partly a historical document, and there will always be life happening around Akyuu until life isn't happening within her. So, yeah, that part feels pretty contrived. As to the other part, it seems very strange to me that chroniclers wouldn't leave some textual artefacts — marginalia, scraps of personal correspondence, graffiti, notes addressed to future compilers, etc. Even assuming no extant textual artefacts, things like the tea set seem like they would be at the very least vague generational knowledge within the household. I don't know. I just don't really buy it as presented.

Back to the emotional core of things, I also didn't feel like the relationship between Akyuu and Keine was that convincing. It was hard to really gauge by the dialogue how close they were meant to be. Keine largely seems to push things along unilaterally and sort of drags Akyuu along on the basis of a vague sense of concern based on... I'm not sure what. Her position? If that's the case, it comes out a bit PFF-y. Setting that aside, we have a somewhat convenient turn towards the end where Keine's emotional investment in the Hiedas is revealed, and she's suddenly teary-eyed over the idea of Akyuu being gone. However, it doesn't really follow that well, does it? Because Akyuu kind of resembles Aya? That seems like rather weak reasoning, if that's the extent of it. Then again, it's hard to fully say what Keine's whole deal is with Akyuu, because she largely just sort of narrates and exposits about things, not giving us that intimate a picture of her psychology.

I guess I'll just drill down and underline the sense that we're being told a lot throughout, but there's not a lot that demonstrates anything in any true sense. Overall, I feel like all sorts of things could have been left unsaid or a lot more ambiguous than they were presented. It's especially the ending that suffers with Keine having her little confessional moment that doesn't feel especially built up towards. Things could very well have cut off a little before that point, and the ending would have had far more impact, in my opinion.

All of this may make it sound like I hated this piece, but that's really not true. As I said, I want to like it a whole lot more, meaning I do generally like it. I have a vague feeling I know who wrote it, and I think it's a more mature take than some of their prior writing. There's even the odd figurative turn of phrase that works pretty well; I will say that there are a lot of attempts at figurative expressions that don't quite work, which can be a bit distracting in their writing in general. Subtracting the parts that don't really fit and kind of just add cruft, there's an overall idea that's more than fine. Hell, it's plausible on some level. I even respect the degree of interpretation that's gone into figuring out the personal histories of the characters — even if Akyuu's seems a little thin by comparison.

That's a lot of jumbled thoughts and vagueposting, I know. The writer can press me for more, I guess. Soz.

Tomorrow will be Yesterday
Just going to be a quick drive-by comment on this.

So, honestly, not a lot to the story itself. It doesn't even come out feeling much like a story as much as a sort of three-part exposition. You've got opening exposition that goes through the outside becoming a wrecked hellscape, then some general quick attempts at describing Reisen looking at things, and then some more exposition about Reisen feeling pressured by things in her life by way of recapitulating Eientei and its cast. Which isn't to say that there aren't attempts at conveying a sort of ungroundedness and almost dissociation within melancholy. The main thing is that there's a lot of just sort of telling us a lot of it in the form of particularly applied adjectives assigning emotional modalities to things.

Mostly, it just kind of feels like nothing much 'happens' in the end. What are we supposed to take from Reisen walking about through ruins? What does she encounter there? What is she reminded of when she runs into whatever? Does a smashed window make her feel a certain way? Does a crumbled building remind her of something from the moon? Does an abandoned car evoke some person in her life? Dumb examples, maybe, but that's the sort of thinking that feels missing in this piece. Well, there's also not much of a conclusion to be drawn as well. In the end, Reisen just kind of... feels a bit of relief-by-proxy by looking at ruined things. Doesn't say a whole lot, in my opinion.

And, just in passing, because I know someone else covered it, I was taken out of things by the weirdness of the prose, especially in the random capitalisation, but also for the rather strange use of 'big' words in kind of inappropriate-feeling places. If examples are wanted, I guess I could give them, but I'm going to refrain for the sake of not looking totally like a pedant here. Just, you know, there was a lot of phrasing that felt notably unnatural.

The Geezer Gaiden
This is one that I can't help liking in general, but I will also gripe about it because of that.

One of my bones to pick is how PFF things can feel when it comes to the prose. The two most prominent characters, the barflies, are largely just distinguished by physical characteristics. Besides those tags, there's not much beyond little specific details brought up in dialogue that differentiate them. We get very little sense of them as individuals because we only sort of see them from the outside based on very limited sets of circumstances that they exposit on through dialogue. I feel like the opportunity was missed to really get into the head of the moustached barfly, who drives a lot of interactions, and fully make him the 'main character' of the story. Perhaps that wouldn't have been aligned with the goals of the writer, but I think it would have been a hell of a lot more interesting. Incidentally, even though we end off on a note about the two barflies' friendship... the nature of that friendship feels a little thin, doesn't it? A lot of scenes concern people other than them, and very little reflects any sort of inner lives on their part.

There's also cruft in the form of Motoori and the scene with the previous Hakurei miko. Now, some of this is a bit of a matter of taste, but I find Motoori's 'chasing the girl' arc pretty weak. There's not much to motivate him getting up and storming out in a Hollywood 'running off to get the girl' moment. He's at a little bit of an impasse with his hotness? Okay? How is a bit of chatting from a couple of barflies going to get him out there? I could buy it if his lady love was in present danger of being snatched up, perhaps based on talk heard through the grapevine amid barstools, but there's no such tension there. So, in the end, his bit there falls pretty flat and ends up feeling unnecessary. As to the latter scene, I'm not really that sure what it's actually meant to convey beyond, I suppose, having a couple of recognisable 2hus present to provide a bit of PFF-y credibility to the piece? Otherwise, it's just kind of cruft that could have been trimmed. And, yes, I realise that it was partly about having time pass; I liked that aspect of the story. Still, I feel like those pieces in particular just sort of extend things out a bit further than they need to be taken.

Honourable mention to the part with Rinnosuke. The thing is that I like Rinnosuke, but I feel like his inclusion was a bit unnecessary here. Yes, he provides kind of a contrast, but still. Marisa's dad could just as well have got wound up all on his own without the boy being there. By the end of that scene, he hasn't contributed a whole lot, I feel.

There are also the dialogue formatting issues, but I have a certain suspicion that's at least in part due to a hurried writing process, perhaps? At least, in some places, there was correctly punctuated dialogue. There were just a lot of places where it wasn't. Beyond that, I'd say a lot of the prose was a bit basic and, honestly, PFF-y. Largely just functional descriptions and the odd movement or gesture that didn't say much. There wasn't, as mentioned before, a lot of obvious sentiment conveyed that wasn't just outright stated in dialogue.

Again, I have to underline that I don't hate the piece based on what I'm saying. I mean, old men are my spirit animals, and alcoholics even moreso. I just overall feel like there are missed opportunities or things that could have used a bit more conceptual 'oomph'.

---

Anyway, I'm wiped from just that much, so I'm going to have to come back for more later. Soz if my general message is unclear or just messy. I'm not great at articulating these sorts of things in the best of times.

>>19298
I kinda don't love using "fanfiction" as a term of derision. Not all of us are temporarily embarrassed litfic authors. Some of us came to the fanfiction writing website because we wanted to write fanfiction.

>screw it, time's almost up
>post part 1
>i haven't actually finished editing post for part 2
>shitshitshitshitshit
>still not sure if done after 20 mins
>PANIK
>post it without checking
>have minor crashout
>go to bed after; sleep deprived anyways
okay. i think i'm fine enough to read everyone's entries now. good work y'all.

>at least you made a fair effort
I don't wish to come off as bitter, but I dont see it was "fair" effort. It came from a place of wanting to be done with something that I've spent hours in the past weeks doing and struggled with. I could've just decided that I would not submit anything at all and give up but I'd feel bad for not participating. I know I'm being harsh on myself for something as small as a fic, but again, the whole thing process made me consider my own experiences with stuff and because of it, it stopped feeling fun. I can't see it as something to celebrate. (I had fun reading other people's entries though.)

>it just kind of feels like nothing much 'happens' in the end
>feels missing in this piece.
Said it already in >>19295, but I was going to expand on it, make it less "expostion-y" but I couldn't get the time or the motivation to do so, especially when it was done while the submissions thread was live and I didn't want to be late.

Carrying on from >>19297

Hieda Legacy ~ Bonds Through Time

It’s good to see stories focusing on Akyuu who—despite her relative prominence in print and music works—is fairly absent from fanworks. Her melancholy or apprehension over her dwindling life is an interesting thing to examine, especially if it’s in the context of a more sober interrogation instead of a more melodramatic approach that I think most people would take. (I’ve been mulling a short story about her that has some crossover thematically and have even written out a bit of it though it has a different focus but that’s neither nor there beyond saying that I am receptive to the conceit.)

Now, in terms of structure, distilling it to “A9 is in a funk” => “teasing out the problem” => “Providing perspective and support”, the story is fine. It’s how that is executed that could use some more work. There’s a lot of meandering not only in the setup but in actually getting to what really matters. Do we really need a tea set? Stories about other incarnations beyond the one that actually matters to Keine? Yes, I know, this seems to be set up to show that Keine knows a thing or two about the family and its history and thus has the credentials to comment but that could have just as easily been done with a single ancestor or just by exploiting the implication that Keine has known Akyuu since birth and has something of a relationship with her.

… That’s also kind of a problem, actually. It doesn’t feel like there’s much of a relationship between them. They don’t really behave like friends would nor is there any sort of intimacy. Things are just said about this or that but there’s no real dynamic, familiarity between them. They feel like casual acquaintances, at best. Keine is the elliptical teacher, dispensing her wisdom indirectly while Akyuu seems to oscillate between being maudlin or hostile. The way they actually talk to one another feels very strange and disconnected and it overall doesn’t feel like how people could be reasonably expected to interact with one another.

The more I read, the more I noticed the quirks of the prose. It’s competent but prone to strange turns of phrase or abortive imagery and (accidental?) metaphor. I’ll provide some examples that you should read over, perhaps even recite aloud, since they come off as clunky, unnatural, strained, or nonsensical:

>You wouldn’t expect it from the mild mannered girl that she is.
>In those times it was the weight of the village on her shoulders, too heavy for her to bear. Perhaps that is what has taken her this time, as well. I accept this possibility and swallow my nerves, opening the sliding silk doors.
>I prick her absurdity.
>“You’re wondering why Lady Hieda hasn’t been receiving any audience. Honestly, I told the house that I wanted no one to visit.” She drops her childish pout, slipping into the more mature melancholy I saw moments ago.
>“That was some time to make tea. My people didn’t give you grief, did they?” she wonders after my delay, a bit quick to judge her people more than my meandering.
>I wipe away the bothersome features
>“Just… don’t be eccentric without telling me ahead of time.”
>She clutches herself, turning her torso away from me in mock indecency
>[…] it’ll put a bad reputation for both of us.”

Some of these might be due to word choice in places, admittedly:
>She trots across a few flat stones, resting on the open plank seat with the proudest view of a large headstone.
Akyuu trots? Proudest view?
>Akyuu gives me a narrow pair of eyes,
gives?
>She leans back to one arm, resting her eyes to nowhere.
[…] eyes to nowhere?

In addition to there is at least a couple of things that are probably mistakes with strange subject-verb constructions like
>[…] everyone are like children to me […]
>No one predicts the future.

And at times it feels like you’re almost trying to create some sort of imagery or maybe a metaphor of some sort but it doesn’t quite work out.
>brandishing her person to me
How does one brandish oneself to others? Is this meant to make her seem pointed or sharp like a sword? Reads like she’s basically wiggling her body. But since you say later in the paragraph:
>Those words are cut in no uncertain terms
It seems like it’s not a physical thing … but her actual words aren’t really that sharp or pointed. Nor are they cutting remarks as such.

There’s just a general aura of sloppiness to the prose. I’m not saying it to be mean about it. I just want to make you aware of how it seems to others. These little descriptors and turns of phrase would be better if they were fewer in total and you instead had, say, a recurring motif and/or employed imagery (to that end). Off the top of my head: if Akyuu is lashing out during her encounter with Keine you could use language that’s evocative of a bladed weapon pepper in (“slashed”, “cut through”, “parried”) and perhaps even when you’re getting to the reason behind her hostility you could say something like that her last thrust was “honed” by the obvious panic and anxiety within but that Keine chips away and blunts her edge through this or that. To be clear, I’m not saying that this is the best—let alone only—solution but if you start thinking about how things play out and the nature of a conflict you might get some inspiration and have interesting ways to express the feelings of the characters and establish a mood for the reader.

The quirks in the text made it hard for me to focus and follow along because I was thinking about what it was that you had meant more than what was actually happening.
>“What?” she breathlessly gapes. “You mean Hieda no Amu, one of my ancestors?”
Actually made chortle and not because it is intentionally humorous.

If the story didn’t pique my interest too much I wouldn’t bother to be typing all of this out. I think you have a good idea and, certainly, are comfortable with experimenting. I think that, perhaps, you do need more time to edit and proof read, have consistency passes over the whole thing and generally have a clearer vision of what you want to do, how to get there, and how to do it on a mechanical level as well as a storytelling sense.

Now, least important of all and way more subjective than the subjective critiques above: I’m also not sold on Akyuu and Keine having that much of a personal relationship in principle. Also, think Keine is probably not 100+ years old. Not that much evidence in canon of the latter and, of the former, Akyuu is a bit dismissive of the temple school. I think it’s reasonable for Keine to work with the Hieda in order to sort out records but Akyuu is very aloof with the only real exception that we’ve seen is with Kosuzu (that said, she’s often haughty when it comes to dealing with most people).

I know that that’s my own baggage and take but I bring it up as an example about how every story, even in fanfiction, has to set up characters, situations, settings, dynamics &c. because your readers aren’t necessarily going to start in the same place as you when it comes to assumptions or preconceptions. When I mentioned that I thought that Keine and Akyuu don’t really have much of a rapport it should be understood that it not only is weak in its own context but it certainly wouldn’t cause the necessary buy-in from an audience that might not think as you do.

Gah, I feel like I’ve been overly harsh with this post. It’s one of the better stories I’ve talked about so far! It’s the kind of thing that I would really like to effortlessly like. It’s just that there’s a lot that could obviously and definitely improved and while your instincts around framing the story aren’t bad, they also fail to be persuasive in the execution. Hopefully this is the sort of feedback that might get you to think about things a little more carefully and, even if you choose to ultimately reject most of what I’m saying (as is your prerogative, to be clear!) you’ll then have more awareness about why you’re doing the things you’re doing and how others might interact with that.

>>19299
Here's the thing: fanfiction is still fiction. There are no set rules when it comes to critique and all sort of art and entertainment can and is discussed from all sorts of different perspectives. TV, film, paintings, poems, novels, anything and everything are not in any sort of protected category when it comes to commentary and analysis. You may wish to shield yourself from valid criticism and discussion by holding yourself, others, or works to a different standard but that's on you—no one is under any obligation to agree, much less indulge your preferences. You're more than welcome to dismiss or not engage with those things if they don't interest you.

I find it telling that you think that any other approach is has to be from the perspective of a "litfic author". Personally, I think that there's no reason fanfiction and its writers can't aspire to be mechanically competent and have things going on with their text beyond the surface level. Choosing to interpret a term and its explained reasoning as "derisive" because of the lens you see things through is once again, on you. So long as different approaches to both writing and comment remain constructive, they're to be welcomed.

First set of feedback, the rest will come later along with a discussion of my own story.

At a Remove
I like seeing the love for more obscure characters, but good lord, the prose here is as purple as Sannyo's hair. Every line is trying to contain a flourish, to say "hey, look at me, I'm a writer". You can't make every line stand out from the rest, that's just a logical impossibility. When it's all "Sannyo prodded her interlocutor with a chill in her voice that would have otherwise been welcome in the heat" and no "Sannyo said", it's exhausting to read.

In particular, there's a specific tactic you use over and over again, where you use negating constructions and make your prose argue with itself. Here's an example:

The distance left between herself and Ubame felt vast in that gloom. In the rare times other hag-sisters gathered, some sat practically atop one another. Though never that type, Sannyo and Ubame were certainly far from distant. Of anyone, Sannyo sat closest to Ubame, even if there remained a distance. Then again, perhaps it made sense; the Sanctuary’s designated steward could ill afford to appear to favour anyone. Sannyo still found herself wanting for some small amount of warmth next to her and hugged herself.

Though, still, even, but, despite, this story is full of words like that, making sentences into dialectics when they don't need to be. There's nothing inherently wrong with this type of construction, but it's tiresome when it shows up all the time.

This story has themes of rustic simplicity, even crudity. This would have been a great opportunity to practice writing in a straightforward prose style that fades into the background and lets the story be the star of the show. Let your ideas shine through.

Hieda Legacy ~ Bonds Through Time
It's a cute story. Akyuu being insecure over basically nothing and Keine playing the role of the gentle older sister is nice. I especially liked the tidbits that Keine was able to of the past Hieda maidens, to connect her to her history and remind her that she's not the first person to go through a mid-life crisis on turning thirty. Even if it's not exactly a mid-life crisis for Akyuu.

I do think the story could have been edited to be more compact. There's not a ton that really happens in it, there's too many words here for how little's happening. There are a lot of cases where you describe a character's reaction to something alongside showing their reaction in dialogue. For example:

She jumps to life, staring at the fruits of my labor in confusion. “That was some time to make tea. My people didn’t give you grief, did they?” she wonders after my delay, a bit quick to judge her people more than my meandering.

All the description there is something the reader could be left to infer from the dialogue itself, except maybe the "jumps to life" bit. Her confusion, the delay, Akyuu's judgmentalness towards her servants, those are all present in the dialogue and reiterating them in description is just padding. You probably could have cut this story down to around 4000 words without losing any of the theme or characters, and it would have a much more concentrated impact.

Tomorrow will be Yesterday
I enjoyed this one. The breathless staccato prose style with Caps for Emphasis really fits our lunatic bunny rabbit. The way it starts out with the cataclysmic destruction of Japan and uses that to set up Reisen's complaints about long working hours is a nice bit of understated irony.

As a single moment in time, a short character piece, it works. I appreciate that you kept it short and sweet. The idea of Reisen as so under pressure that post-apocalyptic Japan becomes a refuge for her resonates with me. That's the core of the story, and you avoided going too far afield trying to do other things with it.

I do think you could have added a little bit of something to the ending to wrap things up. Right now the final paragraph is more like an explication of the story's themes than a proper ending. It's a little on the nose and it strikes a sour note. Something she sees in the ruins that gives her hope to keep living, or something she remembers in her daily life at Eientei that becomes a metaphor for her existence, would be ways you could construct an ending that would reinforce the themes in a natural way. Still, all in all I liked the story, thanks for posting it.

Co-dependency
This really doesn't feel like a Touhou story. It doesn't match the themes or use any of the characters. It borrows one setting element, Lunarians and moon rabbits, and twists it almost beyond recognition. I don't feel like this story belongs in a Touhou fanfiction exhibition.

Tabula Scripta
I'm gonna be honest, I couldn't really follow this one. Writing a dreamlike fairytale is a tough balancing act because you need to maintain a grounding in the normal to contrast with the fantastic, an illogical logic for the story to rest on. In this story there were incomprehensible things doing incomprehensible things, and that's not interesting.

I think part of the problem was you used too much obscure Japanese vocabulary. Do you really expect an English-speaking audience to know what "Sanzan-Shoufuku", for example, means? Using Japanese terminology can give flavor but you're risking audience comprehension, and a dreamlike fairytale is already risking that enough.

At a Remove
I really like the setting, and the argument. There's a nice back and forth before anyone says the word bitch, which is nice. The dynamics between the three are also nice, I like the messiness of it, . I also have to say I found the description of Sannyo's sweat being like treacle between her breast and her kimono to be pretty hot. There is a clunkiness to the prose that makes me suspect English is your second language. It's hard to articulate but I'd say it's too flowery and too plain by half, wording is also occasionally archaic but not consistently so. There are also occasional grammatical mistakes like–
>Sannyo felt a lethargy wash over her
Felt awkward, sure it's a noun and a synonym for boredom, but prefacing it with 'a' is very obviously incorrect. Although since I'm not professionally trained in English and only know the language casually as most native speakers do. There's also repetition words and phrasing like my being used thrice in a sentence or how Ubam is described as.
>Without the indication of footsteps, Ubame materialised without warning from the dimness
Two withouts here and in both statements within the sentence the same information is conveyed without much gotten from repeating yourself.
Fluffy Mask or Teruyo would know more.
Plot wise, I suppose I don't understand why Sannyo ran, but I like a more childish Neumeno, although I prefer her as more motherly personally, I always appreciate interesting twistings of canon and novel takes on characters. Does the story take place in the past? I also really like the setting of an overly hot and humid week in summer, it's comfortable, somehow, familiar. Also I agree with Sannyo, a nice tan is great to look at, she has good taste.
Nothing much happens, but I like it.
Hieda Legacy

The writing style feels familiar to "At a Remove," with ESL vibes, and occasional grammatical mistakes like–
>She’s only so temperamental to people she truly despises, but there have been times that I’ve received her wrath, too.
There doesn't need to be a comma after 'wrath.
or–
>It’s more that… everyone are like children to me.'
Which could be more correctly written as
>It's more like... everyone is like a child to me
The use of like is repetitious here, but I tried to keep as much of the original as possible.
I also don't understand what–
>Akyuu excuses it as a bit of nature outside her doors, but in truth treats it as no more than a place to take guests when she’s tired of her tearoom.
Is getting at, 'but' is usually used when two things are in contradiction, but there's no contradiction here. Appreciating nature outside your room and having a comfortable spot to talk to guests isn't in conflict, in fact I'd think nature being a reprieve from boredom means you do appreciate it.
Anyway, occasional awkwardness in prose aside, I think the writing and description of the environment is less evocative than it could have been. I don't dislike it but I don't like it either, nothing much happens but it also isn't comfortable enough in the way Slice of Life is that it really piques my interest and the characters feel more inconsistently written(?) I'd have to say, they didn't pique my interest and I felt their dynamic occasionally pull me out of the story rather than in. However, I do like the message. It's okayish is what I guess I'm saying.
And like in the above, I feel like Teryuo and Fluffy Mask are more fit to comment on prose and grammar, but I did my best.
Imagine Yuiman Happy
I think I've said this before, but it felt both short and too long. A friend of mine described it as, "very caught up in its own concept', and I don't think he's wrong. The prose in this one still felt stilted, although not in the ESL way the previous two entries did. The dialogue is also overly expository, both internal and external. I also felt like there could have been more scene description, some of it felt barren without it, and the set up of Sanae bringing Yuiman, although it made sense, didn't feel like it brought much to the story.
I feel like it could have started in-media-res with Yuiman coming to the shrine and a paragraph breezing over how she got there and I wouldn't have questioned it.
And I know Yuiman not leaving the pyramid is part of the premise, but at the same time it felt like the events of TH20 were too unimportant. Although I don't mind Ariya not being there. I like Suwako here, she's funny. The mentions of contemporary memes also reminded me of a friend and made me laugh, so I think you got the expected reaction there.
I suppose a Yuiman who's more or less fine with her job is interesting in concept, but I didn't really like her here all too much, she felt bland in a way I find hard to articulate.
Also
> *She's asking if I'm a hallucination. Definitely the weirdo Lady Kanako was talking about.*
The site has italics for a reason, conversely just use normal quotation marks.
Although I did like the argument here, and I think overall I liked it more than "Heida legacy" but less than "At a Remove"
Also
> it's not like I like her or anything!
-1 point
Also Yuiman here vaguely reminds me of a lazier Vladimir Harkonen with how she seeks out a source of constant stimulation. Although I feel like more could have been done with that.
Tomorrow will be yesterday
The only one I disliked so far. Overwritten, but the descriptions of Reisen's emotions were nice. Although the contrast between Reisen's emotions and the apocalyptic surroundings could have been highlighted more through better environmental descriptions. Like the temperature of the air, what Reisen can hear, maybe have her observe some humans impassively. The formatting is odd with randomly capitalized words, and I think it needed a round of editing.
Also I don't really get how it connects to the prompt.

>>19298
Back for more.

Tabula Scripta
This one is a little hard for me to comment on. I'm drawn to it for aesthetic reasons more than anything. By that, I mean it puts me to mind of certain contemporary Japanese writers who draw on surrealism and dream-like sorts of situations and imagery, Murakami Haruki most prominent among them. I like that sort of stuff on a certain level. The thing is that it also makes this piece sit in sort of a separate category of its own as far as this exhibition goes. That doesn't make it better than the others, per se, but it doesn't make it worse, either.

As far as the story told, I find it vaguely interesting from the outset. I mean, props to the writer for taking on a character like Mike, who has little backing material. On top of that, it's a rather surreal situation that ends up following its own sort of dream logic, even looping around on itself in a way at the end. Do I fully get it? Not really, but I don't think that's the point. If anything, the point is more to question it after everything is over. Did the events portrayed actually happen? Was it all a dream or a hallucination? A figurative representation of some mental/emotional turmoil on Mike's part? Yeah, word-of-god could say it's this or that, or none of the above, but I like to think some amount of ambiguity is intentional. In that respect, if I can be allowed, I could liken the story to a koan, meant to be pondered and interrogated privately. Appropriate for a story featuring a former resident of Goutoku-ji, no?

If I had to find fault, about the only thing I'd say is that Mike herself seems a little muted within the story. Things are happening to her as she traverses this dreamscape, and she occasionally chimes in with her position on things without doing a lot to drive things forward. Of course, this could be argued to be thematic, given the nature of the narrative. Still, some part of me didn't find the air of 'Mike' personally that distinctive. Maybe it's something to ponder and draw out upon further examination.

But, yeah, I dunno what more I can say. It was decent in its own way. I'm not sure if it falls into the category of stuff I'd obsessively re-read, but I feel it was interesting to have read it, I suppose. It at least tickled some sensibility somewhere.

Imagine Yuiman Happy
I ultimately don't have much to say here. The core of the story comes across as Yuiman and Kanako having had a romantic attachment and the aftermath of all that, and I can't say it's something that interests me too deeply. It's mildly buttressed by a wider story about a belligerent Yamato polity, Kanako having a brother, and so on that's too large for something like an exhibition entry, which has the vaguest potential of being interesting but can't find the room to be fully expressed here. Much of what I've said about other entries with respect to exposition can apply here as well, I feel.

Co-dependency
So, like the above in some respects, I don't have too much to say on this piece.

On some level, I feel like this is at least a couple of different story ideas put together in search of a greater whole. You have everything with the warfare and trauma and such, and then you have the traumatised rabbit trying to keep her shit together in civilian life. They are compatible to an extent, but I can't help a certain feeling that the war end of it got paid more attention on the whole. If the themes weren't a concern, would its companion part have been there? I have to wonder.

In any case, as mentioned by at least one other, this entry only comes off as having the barest Touhou decoration sprinkled over it. I won't go as far as saying it shouldn't be in this exhibition, but it is a fairly obvious blemish. I will just remark that there's a mild glimmer of interest towards the end, when the kept bunny is grappling with herself emotionally over a certain mistrust of being accepted by others. That, at least, shows some potential for the basis of a story. Perhaps not about lagomorphic soldiers, though.

Or maybe yeah. I dunno.

Night, Outside
Okay, I'm going to start off being really blunt with this one: It needed so much more focus. I mean, listen, it had a generally clear point, but it kept drifting and drifting and drifting. The first half could have honestly been excised in service to the main thrust, the old man and his kappa, and there were a number of sub-threads that popped up to distract from the point. A Sakuya pretender? A were-bear and a wolf? Those things — and more — don't add a lot and just sort of stretch things further than they really needed to be stretched. Not that they're bad in and of themselves. Just, y'know, there needed to be a bit of editorial brutality done.

Which is not to say that I disliked the piece at all. Much the opposite. I loved Burakumin before it, and I would be far from averse to a (well-edited) anthology thread featuring that story, its sequel here, and any potential follow-ups. In particular, I love the impressionistic bits of description that tend to crop up in the more brooding passages. I love the degrees of scene-setting and trying to paint a picture of a social ecosystem among Gensokyan humans (and others, to an extent) when they don't sidetrack things unnecessarily. The quiet little motif of apples that cropped up between the human and his kappa love was cute.

Still, some bits of explanatory dialogue and general exposition could have been dropped, and I think there's all sorts of parts that could have generally been pulled back in favour of leaving a bit more unsaid, a bit more room to wonder, a bit more ambiguity. Also, much of what I said regarding odd word choices and phrasing in the case of Hieda Legacy could also apply to this piece. I guess I'm left with the impression that it was written without a lot of time to spare and maybe a bit off-the-cuff. Perhaps everything came together a little late? I might be reading a little too far into things, but I can't help getting that impression.

Anyway, I'd put this a bit ahead of Hieda Legacy and say it was at least my second favourite out of this exhibition.

Moon's Cocoon
And, well, this was my favourite.

I'm not usually one for Lunarians, but I can't help it in this case. I'd be hard pressed to find much I could fault this piece for beyond extreme nitpicking. It's difficult to even fully articulate exactly why I love it so much. It's a lot of things — 'vibes', I guess, as the kids say now. The whole thing just sort of resonates aesthetically. And I'm not even talking from my usual 'intolerable weeaboo' standpoint, either. If anything, I think a very commendable part of this whole thing is how the writer hits that sense of 'Japan' in terms of things like the inclusion of the seasons, nature, and all those usual bits without hitting on full clichés or grating Orientalism.

Motifs and symbols abound but don't call full attention to themselves or take on fully unambiguous significance. Ambiguity also plays a big part in the story itself, with Kaguya being both open to us as the perspective character and yet quite opaque at the same time, being a capricious little princess the whole way. Her relationships with Reisen and Eirin feel totally natural and foundational to the story. By the time we reach the end and Reisen is mildly more open with Kaguya, it doesn't feel contrived; it is simply a natural product of all that has happened, and there's little need to call it out loudly. I especially love the way the story ends up feeling a bit cyclical, with the seasons coming around, even with all that's quietly changed. To be a bit cliché myself, it feels mysterious like the moon to me. I'm left to feel that there's far more that hasn't been exposed to moonlight and rendered translucent, and I'm thrilled by that.

I don't know. I could gush about a lot of things regarding this piece, but I think it would be a bit unsightly. Suffice it to say, I tip my frilly hat to the writer. Bravo to their sense of subtlety and sensitivity on display.

i'm still reading the first story (slow reader etc.) and i'm not reading reviews until i'm done but >>19301 does give me something to yap about, if no one minds. i'm focusing on what i've learned of how i write from this experience while it's still raw. not so much on what i actually wrote.

firstly, time. i am slow writing and editing, whether i force myself to or not. i write when i write, i let it stew until something enters my brain, and i edit it. i can say i needed more time, but if i was wiser i would've instead spent 15 days writing and 15 days "editing". which was what i initially planned, now i remember. if i intend to join another exhibition i should be stricter with myself. i don't know if it shows but i'm much more satisfied with the first part than the second since i had much more time to think on it. i have only finished writing the second, with little to no time to reflect and experiment. i had in mind a cut-down and more subdued version of part 2 that i never got to play with.

second, i do feel like half of my writing is basically just riffing off and playing around with what i recently saw. sometimes i read a notable sentence or a new word and i try in my head to see how i'd reconstruct/use it. it helps to have something real to read alongside. reminds me of the most basic ideas and words to write with. which i also did have but i left it somewhere else in the last 10 days. sounds hella silly, but maybe that also contributed to my dissatisfaction with part 2. maybe i should get a physical dictionary as well.

i'd say i'm a very absent-minded writer, but i don't mean that with total self-deprecation. sans deadlines, it's an easy pace that doesn't needlessly pressure me. i'm forgetful, which is why time helps. i can't draw, i certainly can't animate or, hell, put something to screen. but i can type a string of words. i'm also still very self-conscious. any of my posts that's more than a couple lines you recognise, you can bet i spent an hour thinking if i should even post it. i'll allow myself a week before i even look at my entry. just how it goes, and god knows how i'll take the reviews.

anyway, it frankly surprises me how much i can enjoy reading. thinking back, i was one of those kids who brought storybooks to school. they don't have to be a "master" at it, but there's nothing like seeing someone who knows what they're doing. reading a good passage is like watching arto fama fence—principled, efficient, artful. then you see your own sparring footage. and i have none. it humbles as much as it inspires.

i'm using that as an excuse to post these because it's cool and everybody should see them.
https://youtube.com/shorts/AGiSzvrQI8M?si=xHVVhDIh8_WencMP
https://youtube.com/shorts/4rSWB7L_HEk?si=xFU6LnaeV6Hi2gwz

>>19301
>bitter
i relate to those negative experiences as well, but maybe not to the same extent. i know i did enjoy myself writing it. i hope you'll let yourself recover and remember that you can always return to it. give yourself time and see if and how you want to rework it.

Back again, from >>19304. Time for the latter three since I did the prior four yesterday! I decided not to review the two stories who authors invited people to not review them.
Tabula scripta
>Waking up a little later than usual, Mike found that every single spot had vanished from her pelt. Sleep, black and wet, like a dog’s nose, left the clean, paper-white cat alone with her rustling. Just like leaves rustle under a paw.
What? I don't really get this description. It starts off by saying her spots have vanished, then I think it means to says she's been turned sleek black like a dog's nose, but then it describes her as paper-white? I also don't think the description of how her rustling sounds amounts to much, or maybe it could have been combined with the next sentence to make the thought more coherent.
>Just like crisp autumn leaves under her calico paws.
The next paragraph also jumps between two subject matters, the leaves, and then what she runs into time to time. I feel like the mention of the leaves there could have also been removed from that paragraph to improve it
The prose itself feels a bit bland, abrupt too I'd have to say. Things happen with little to no commentary and the descriptions feel rather thin. I also don't understand how Nurarihyon's plan works here, I get the general idea that he lures cats in by stealing their flaws. But despite her earlier musing, which itself is very little, Mike doesn't seem to be distressed by losing her spots, although I understand the general idea that people are attached to even their own flaws. Aside from how exactly it's supposed to work as a lure, Mike just sort of ends up shrinking and he immediately falls asleep. He doesn't strike a bargain or trick her, she doesn't agree to anything, nothing really happens that I feel like it narratively justifies Mike falling prey to his ability.
Although I do like Nurarihyon himself, his shitty personality sounds fun, if only in theory because he doesn't say much.
A majority of the story is focused on Mike's conversation with the other cats-in-a-jar but I didn't find that particularly compelling either since she doesn't come across as particularly defined, she mostly spouts exposition, has her plan work, and then leaves.
Another reviewer described it as surreal and I'd have to agree, but surreal isn't really to my taste either.

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The Geezer Gaiden
Okayish, I like the setting and the idea, seeing Gensokyo's past is always nice, but it feels a bit underwritten, I think another used the term PFF and I'd have to agree with him. It also could have used some more editing with the formatting errors I saw; a space on either side of a quotation mark, sometimes no spaces on either side of a quotation mark, missing quotation marks, lack of line breaks, missing periods...etc
I don't feel like there's a lot to say here but I could tell what was going on, so the story came across clearly, although like what has been said above it feels like the prose could use some work.

---

Moon's Cocoon
I usually think of Kaguya as a sillier character, so I found this take on her refreshing. It's a nice simple cute story where Reisen and Kaguya grow closer raising silkworms together and the silkworms are a sort-of metaphor for the both of them. The tree of hourai which can only show it's jewels when exposed to impurity, the true beauty of a moth is only shown once it molts. Both Kaguya and Reisen were silkworms, now having left the cocoon of the moon, they are moths.
Probably my second favorite.
There were occasional errors like a period not having a space on either side or–
>one of the manyinaba who lived with us
>many inaba
But I really enjoyed it overall.

Carrying on from >>19302

Imagine Yuiman Happy
It’s exciting to see stories about new characters even when there’s a significant amount of risk at taking a shot in the dark in terms of characterization and relationships due to later official materials coming out. That said, I felt very ambivalent about a lot of things here at first glance. It took me a while to re-read, to think over, and it’s part of the reason why it’s taken me so long to get around to post something about it.

I appreciated the look at Yuiman’s inner self, how she engages with her work, and her attitude towards her lot in life. However, I’m not persuaded by how this ties into the story’s conflict. We are merely told that she was in love with Kanako and that they had sex; there is nothing that supports this statement, no showing instead of telling of how they related to one another, anything to either explain their attraction or to demonstrate their affection beyond a passing cliché (a look from her eyes). This seems to me like it is meant to be the emotional core, something that causes the otherwise almost-apathetic Yuiman to act as an impassioned jilted lover and have an outburst of emotion. Under the influence of drink or not, there’s nothing that really makes their supposed relationship believable or that justifies her reaction except by the narration that gallops on by with a few simple statements.

It’s important to identify what it is you’re trying to do with your story and focus the elements that strengthen that point. The story clearly isn’t about Lunarians, it’s also not about Yuiman’s life in the pyramid or past as such as far I can tell, nor is it about Take-Minakata. It seems to me to be more about Yuiman and Kanako and how priorities diverge with time and how choices affect others and some sort of reckoning as a result. To that end, I’d excise most of the beginning, most of what isn’t strictly necessary in setup. Present Yuiman’s way of thinking and how she likes her life, sure, but also make us understand why Yuiman would feel betrayed and why she would hold onto to that despite her present nonchalance about her fate. All of this needs to be something greater than the stock statements presented reader as justification. Don’t be afraid to describe and to show to the ready how and why things were like they were.

On that note, I’m not sure what, if anything, Take-Minakata adds aside from a paper-thin motivation for betrayal and then for strong hostility towards Lunarians. I have an admitted aversion from pulling in too much from the chaotic and complicated history and worship of gods in stories because it seldom adds anything of relevance to Gensokyo as it exists and what drives the characters. If you’re going to do it, assess carefully what the real world mythology is and what it can add to the story. For example, as a god of the hunt, he is strongly associated with deer and offerings of deer were traditionally made during festivals at his shrine. It may have been better to instead of introducing him as his own character to use the the composite deity figure of Kanako as a surrogate instead and transpose then an affinity for deer meat. This would very obviously tie into the repeated statements about deer hunting and could well explain what brought Yuiman and Kanako closer together (perhaps an invitation to a hunt by Sanae at the end of the blow-up could be then also be read as a chance of reconciliation).

There are other missed opportunities like that, things that are just stated and hang in the air without any sort of real bearing on much of anything. I don’t mean the jokes to be clear. The occasional bits of levity are fine. But the more I thought about it the more I wondered why much of anything mattered. If you’re going to have characters like Sanae feature semi-prominently and be noted towards the end, demonstrate their value to the narrative besides just having her as something that moves the plot along (this is also true of Suwako who is also just there but that’s less egregious).

Dunno, I wanted to like this and it is written in a nominally competent fashion. I’m not bothered by the sparsity of description—in principle—but it doesn’t work here. That’s because there’s nothing that really creates any sort of emotional investment nor otherwise produces much of a case for me to care about much of anything of what’s happening in the plot. We’re told this or that happened, we’re told someone feels some way but so what? Dialogue tags with little flourishes on occasion are no substitute for things like body language, the layout of a scene, physical (and, obviously, psychological!) sensations etc etc. This isn’t about setting a scene in excruciating detail or lavishly describing something but it’s about having something beyond the minimum if you’re not presenting the reader with anything else to hold on to. (The dialogues themselves don’t pick up the slack here either.)

Refine your text and focus on what’s important. You can have your little ancillary things such as Sanae being flustered with a mention of Tsukasa if the core of your story is strong. Otherwise, it’s just a needlessly long text where a lot is said to happen but barely anything matters.

At a Remove
It takes me a long time to write comments for these stories. I read decently quick but when I’m analyzing, closely reading, and trying to find relevant things to say I re-read a bunch and take down notes and copy snippets. I think it’s only fair to be thoughtful because it might be helpful regardless of how I feel personally about something. I try to be insightful and forthright and I try not to be influenced by what others have said. I’m saying all this because, despite the previous, I’ve read some of the other comments in between my posts. And I feel like it’s necessary to forcefully push back.

This is not by any stretch purple prose. Nor does it suggest a lesser command of language. On the contrary, it is flowing, layered, and appropriate to the type of story that is being told. It speaks well to your ability as a writer (more specifics later). Maybe this reception is due to a dearth of exposure, a failure of imagination caused by a lack of awareness; even a “genre” book like Dune (a sci-fi classic but not an especially challenging or “high art” book) has rich prose, paragraph after paragraph of description and motifs that enrich the experience and explain the motivation and perspective of the characters more so than just dialogue or, failing that, internal monologue. Complex sentences and complex words, by themselves, are not indications of something overly and needlessly florid. Being challenged to pay attention isn’t a bad thing at all if it serves a deliberate purpose.

There is a richness of detail when things are described in the piece that adds to the mood. Sannyo is hyper aware of herself and her environment because of her mental state and because she doesn’t know how to deal with her own feelings or know how to approach her own kind anymore. Add to that her background: externally different, someone who has forsaken the traditional mountain hag life and has placed herself apart. Details like the less-than-perfect state of the home she’s helped to build are things she focuses on neurotically because it distracts her from the burden she’s carrying. It helps her cope and it helps her deflect her own discomfort and urges. When scrutinized this angst is even greater:

>A long but shallow sip allowed her to pretend there wasn’t a searching gaze running across her face for a moment.

Sannyo later goes on to hide from Nemuno and, obviously, is hiding from herself. She doesn’t want to be judged and she doesn’t want to fight but she doesn’t really know how to get help either. I think that you manage to build up this unease really well and Ubame also soon is uncomfortable and self-conscious—she hides her tan, she dodges the question about the chimes, and can’t even really bring herself to ask Sannyo if she’s staying longer and what the exact matter is. The level of detail also slowly but surely shows just how similar all three mountain hags are. They ultimately all do the same thing and you can tell thanks to their actions and how they talk to one another.

I enjoyed the running references to the cleaved tile, to (tree) viscera, and all else that conjured up blood and violence. It makes the actual, sharp, violence that happens in the story all the more interesting and does a lot to give the characters depth. The control they exhibited, that Sannyo tried to force, was lost in anger along the sound of the chimes. (Those damn loud cicadas still overpower everything else.) We understand what mountain hags are and, again, how similar all three are. No matter how much they dress up, or the roles they find themselves in like leader, or their uncaring and anarchic exterior, they have this core that pushes others away but that also unites them.

Hell, other things like the petty (and greater) jealousies, the vanities and the ultimate appreciation for (aspects of) one another is darkly comical. Nemuno tuckered out, enjoying having her ass handed to her because after she gets a belly rub, is an amusing image—she may have been a little bitch but she’s no less needy than the more refined Sannyo or the supposedly impartial Ubame.

I’ve pointed out for other stories how it might have been a good idea to cut out things to focus what on what is important but I think that it doesn’t apply here. The details are the important bits; they build a sense of mood, foreshadow and tease conflict, they establish insecurity, sketch vanity, expose pride, they explain mountain hag society, they explain the bond and dynamics between the three. The expressions, body language, and how they react to one another It doesn’t matter if we actually know the exact reason Sannyo has come around—it’s enough to understand how and why her blood stirs. It is admirable how much she struggles not to fall into old patterns, how long she resists the comfort of smoking. Her relief comes from her ‘sister’ and it because of both of them that she’s able to find releif and lower her guard, letting go of some of her burden. Spoiled, indeed. And very understandable.

I could go on and on with minutiae and my appreciation for all sorts of little details and the adroit way you developed these characters whose differences are all expressions of fundamentally similar cores and outlooks. Yes, there are nitpicks. Yeah, there probably could have been some trimming, some further editing that could be done. But that doesn’t really matter. The layered and emotionally-resonant way that things that are approached is something sadly too rare in stories. I want more of it. Not necessarily involving mountain hags but just in general. There was a palpable sense of catharsis at the end. (Saccharine hugs and petting optional but definitely also appreciated.)

This nails the themes and showcases the messiness of family but also its unique importance, its capacity to provide perspective and to relativize external problems. Even with dysfunction, these yamanba have a special support structure between them. In case it isn’t obvious, this is my favorite piece of the exhibition. Even if others aren’t able to look past the surface level of things, I still really appreciate your efforts. Good job!

>>19308
Just wanna send you my thanks, I also really liked at a remove, but had a hard time explaining some of my reasoning aside from gushing. But I think that appeal where, even if you don't understand something fully, but the strength of the work still comes across despite some mechanical error, really speaks to the strength of At a Remove.
Also sweaty hags are hot.

Continuation of >>19303 with feedback for the rest of the stories!

The Geezer Gaiden
First off, I think there was a kind of an editing error in this story. The Season 91 part has a couple of sentences that just end in the middle - "I would be" and "Work together. But". Somehow a couple thoughts got dropped there.

Proofreading aside, this was a pleasant story. You're the first one who turned up to the Comfortable Community Exhibition with an actual comfy story, so points for that. It's pretty lightweight, but it's a nice story to just sit down and read and smile, with friends that come and go and friends that stay through the years. Almost like the flow of alcohol and the flow of conversation is also the flow of time...

The story structure depends on the reader's familiarity with the original work - the point is to relate what the characters say about Morichika or Kirisame in the light of the characters we know from canon. Hence the "Gaiden" in the title, it's a side story to the main story of Touhou. It is a story that can only work as fanfiction, it's not just fiction set in somebody else's world. It's a story directly in conversation with a shared canon. I think that's pretty cool! Obviously opinions here are mixed, but I like that fanfiction has its own type of storytelling unique to it, and this story is a good example of the form.

Night, Outside
I appreciated the prose style in this one. I think it's a good example to contrast with At a Remove, because it's evocative in the way that story tries to be, but it doesn't end up being exhausting in the same way. I think the biggest difference is in sentence structure. Unlike At a Remove, you do a good job varying your sentence structures, mixing complex sentences with simple ones. The prose stretches and contracts. It has a rhythm. A sentence like "he knows he will succumb to those vivacious eyes again, hanging on to her every giggle as well as her touch, as has happened in a hundred moons, through all their cherished years" bundles together with one like "he doesn't resist anymore" and it makes the story go down easier.

As far as the storytelling is concerned, I didn't read your previous story, so I'm sure I'm missing some things. In particular, the bit with "Izayoi" seemed confusing and like it didn't go anywhere in this story; I'm assuming it's a reference to something from Burakumin. But I did get the theme of the man othered in human society, but not exactly a fit in youkai society either, with the usual lifespan stuff, the bear cavorting with wolves, the girl gone by morning. It's a bit of a sad story told in a comfy way. I liked it well enough, I probably would have liked it better with context.

Moon's Cocoon
It's a nice, self-contained, comfy story. It's well-structured, with clear and readable prose that flows at a good pace. There's nothing I can identify really wrong with it, but it left me cold. I just got to the end of the story and was vaguely glad to be done with it. I don't know.

Maybe part of it was that the Kaguya in the story doesn't really match the Kaguya in my head. In this story her main expressed emotions are anxiety and self-doubt, totally different from the image I have of her as the self-assured carefree princess whose whim got her exiled and then shamelessly dragged Eirin into it with her. Like, when she says:

I thought about trying to share my disordered thoughts with Eirin but I did not know how to gather and shape that anxiety into anything coherent. Unable to make much sense, I didn’t want to worry her needlessly.

Who is this imposter of a princess who doesn't want to worry Eirin needlessly!

This story felt almost more like a fix-it-fic, where what you're fixing is the things you don't like about canon Kaguya's personality. Or maybe I'm reading too much into it, but in any case, Kaguya felt out of character to me. With Kaguya as the POV character and really the only major character in the story, that made it hard to enjoy, even if the writing was fine. Someone with a different character interpretation of Kaguya might have liked it better.

---

All in all, I think my favorite of the stories was Tomorrow Will Be Yesterday, with The Geezer Gaiden in second place. Night, Outside and Moon's Cocoon I can recognize as well-written, even if they weren't for me. Thanks to everyone who posted stories and offered comments. At some point later I'll post a post-mortem of my own story to wrap things up.

>>19319
>This story felt almost more like a fix-it-fic, where what you're fixing is the things you don't like about canon Kaguya's personality.
Go on and fucking read CiLR, second chapter. That you go off of fanon memes is not this work's or anyone else's problem, yet you dare to call other people's works non-canonical and even suggest for some that they be removed from the exhibition. Imposter of a princess, my ffffffucking ass.
(I haven't commented here before because I failed to formulate coherent reviews for most stories here, but this is almost a personal insult)

>>19320
To be fair to him, despite the audacity of his statement, Co-dependency does not take place in Gensokyo and only features setting elements from Touhou. Although I do think it fits the themes of the exhibition, Community and Comfort. The rabbit is seeking comfort and a community, although I feel like her relationship is kind of sidelined for the less interesting ptsd flashbacks, which maybe hides the exhibition theme somewhat.
I say this being a hypocrite since I didn't leave feedback for the story in question.

>>19320
I’m the author of Moon’s Cocoon and am waiting until more people offer comment and say things before offering my own perspective about the story or interacting with the bulk of the feedback (a few more days or maybe a week by the look of things). But I think your comment is an opportunity to move towards a more interesting discussion. While you’re correct to point out what you’re saying, it’s also an important skill for authors to be able to process feedback. That means knowing when to dismiss points as inapplicable, irrelevant to anything of consequence, or irreconcilable with the purpose of the piece while successfully reflecting upon the things mentioned that are useful and important. That's contingent on receiving feedback in the first place, however!

I don’t care about someone being ignorant of canon or quibbling about it, being willfully blinkered and closed to engaging with much of anything beyond the surface level, or, worse, attempting to apply tropes such as “fix-it” in lieu of actual analysis and reflection. Nor do I care about stylistic quibbles as they’re not particularly relevant here. All those things I can and do easily dismiss as noise.

I do care about what you and others feel about and take away from the work, however. Did it evoke any particular thoughts or feelings? Was there anything about the characters, their dynamics, perspectives, their role in the plot, etc that caused some sort of reaction in you? Anything in the prose or the story that stuck out to you which caused that? Did a passage, a moment, the build-up, the progression of things, the conclusion, an image, the way language was used resonate with you? What do you think the work was trying to accomplish and was it successful at that (and why you think that)? Did it have some sort of theme or message that you noticed or thought about, even if it’s silly or nonsensical? Did it satisfy you as an experience when interacting with the story? This is non-exhaustive series of questions that can be considered and responded to depending on what you felt and thought. If you had any sort of reaction beyond looking at the text as a series of things that are stated and then end, that’s much more valuable to hear.

I’m more interested in hearing about all that and all other things beyond the plain and the mechanical. Even if you feel you can’t articulate things clearly or that you’re not expressing anything original, it doesn’t matter! I want to know about your authentic experience with the work even if it’s a single sentence or two, even if you think it’s not worth sharing. So, please, don’t be afraid of speaking up and sharing whatever it is that you think and feel. That’s usually the kind of feedback that I think is important, useful, and interesting. It doesn’t matter if your thoughts and feelings aren’t positive (are mixed or even ambiguous!) so long as they are honest and engage constructively and in good faith.

You shouldn’t think that you need to do a “review” or follow some sort of template to share feedback. Or that you need to be particularly thoughtful or insightful. Everyone should be free to approach things in their own way. Just share what you can and feel like. Trust me, having any sort of input from someone is better than not getting anything. It’s duly appreciated!

I hope that this inspires you and others who might not have said anything so far to feel like commenting with whatever you can.

>>19320
All these works are non-canonical, of course, unless ZUN has started going disguised among the peasants.

What I'm doing here is giving my honest opinion of the works in the exhibition. It's not intended as a personal insult to the author. I tried to be clear that I didn't think Moon's Cocoon, specifically, was a bad piece, just that it didn't click for me. And I speculated that maybe my personal interpretation of Kaguya is too far removed from the author's interpretation for me to enjoy it. Obviously you are free to interpret Kaguya however you like, and my reaction to the story is not your problem. But this is the portion of the exhibition where you give your thoughts on the stories, so I'm giving my thoughts on the stories. Many fanfiction spaces have a norm where you should only comment on the fics you enjoy, and if there's one you don't enjoy you should keep silent, but that's not how these exhibitions are run.

For what it's worth, I have read CiLR. Even on reflection I don't think Kaguya's voice in Moon's Cocoon matches her voice in CiLR. I think a line like the one I pointed out would look out of place there. That's just my personal reaction, though.

And regarding Co-dependency, you might put the line in a different place, but surely a line has to be drawn somewhere. Not all strings of text are Touhou fanfiction. At some point you have to be able to say hey, this is something else.

>>19322
That's true, all feedback is allowed, but not all feedback is valuable. There will be good and bad writers here, good and bad advice, both made in earnest. This is an amateur writing space after all.
I understand what the other poster meant, he thinks the Kaguya you wrote is different both from canon and the Kaguya in his mind. It's different from the Kaguya in my mind as well, although I think she's still recognizably Kaguya in my mind and I don't mind people being novel, twisting canon, or whichever other term you want to use as long as it's still recognizably Touhou. I thought you story was very sweet and was well put together. I was vaguely reminded of raising butterflies in those big net terrariums when I was younger, there's also that nice aspect of just having something private to do with someone, a nice harmless little secret or hobby you and someone else can enjoy together.
For the reviewer himself, I just wished he explained himself more politely, but I can hardly take offense on your behalf.

>>19322
Author of At a Remove here. I'm also waiting for more, to be honest.

It's funny because I went as far as scribbling notes after reading over these entries, at least twice in some cases, but my own impressions ended up a bit disordered and lacking. I recognise that giving feedback is hard. Giving well-ordered and actually analytical feedback, something I value, feels like a tall mountain to climb for me, personally. Or at least a steep mountain trail to hike, as it were.

Not even sure what I mean to say other than just sort of raising my hand and saying, "Me too." I agree with that desire for a bit more. And I suppose I'm a little bemused that, out of nine writers, only a third have made that attempt a few days after closing. (No offence meant to the one who reported that he's still reading. Godspeed, lad.) I do recognise the difficulty, but I would also encourage others to speak up regardless. As long as everything is reasonably good faith, I don't think it matters if it's exceptionally well-formed.

>>19324
I appreciate your own impressions, and thank you for taking the time to share them. I'm glad that it recalled nice moments in your life. This, while simple, is valuable to hear.

To be clear: I'm not offended by that person's comment and I don't expect anyone else to be on my behalf. Part of what I was saying is that I don't find anything valuable in it. And that's not only because they're (pigheadedly) ignorant of canon but also because they don't actually bother to open up and share anything beyond their stubbornly superficial perspective. They say nothing about the story itself, what happens and the other elements to it, and just go on about a preconceived notion of what they think a proper interpretation of a character must be. If you look at their previous critiques of other stories, you'll find a lot of sweeping, damning, statements supported by a narrow fixation on a single element in each. This is not really valuable or well-reasoned feedback.

They're free to make these statements and we're free to call them out on it. I would hope that, in light of pushback from people other than me, they would take a beat and reassess their approach. Instead, they seem content to double down or not engage with the substance of what was communicated. Entrenching themselves with ill-founded biases and dismissing evidence and opinion to that challenges them is not going to lead to anything productive for anyone. Honestly looking at other perspectives and approaching things with an open mind would probably yield better results and invite useful dialogue.

I am challenging people to try, maybe get out of their comfort zone to do it. It's not about the word count or how thoroughly things are state but about being open-minded and engaging things in good faith, being unafraid of introspection or moving past an initial position.

>>19326
I get you, although hopefully this brings this argument to a close. I don't want a repeat of last Exhibition.
>I am challenging people to try, maybe get out of their comfort zone to do it. It's not about the word count or how thoroughly things are state but about being open-minded and engaging things in good faith, being unafraid of introspection or moving past an initial position
On that note, the response to the Yuiman story by a personal friend of mine, who will make a comment in time, did end up with me improving my opinion of it. The meanderingness of it and the seeming scatter brained-ness of Yuiman's thoughts are supposed to help communicate how stimulation seeking, shallow, and lazy she is. I still think it could have been improved and this is a pretty novel Yuiman and I like novel takes on characters. I'm still not sold on this Yuiman, and I think some physical and environmental descriptors could have done the story some good.
Kanako is good in it as well, she wants to fight the Lunarians but for the sake of her own personal offense and she's not being honest with herself about that. But I think Sanae doesn't add much to the story and Suwako could have added more.
For instance, maybe Suwako has her own perspective: not wanting to fight the Lunarians for practical reasons. Her first line of the story is probably her best.
>Suwako cackled. "Yeah, what sort of assholes would just take over somebody's shrine like that? Unforgivable." She was having too much fun watching Kanako go off.
She highlights Kanko being a sort of hypocrite since she's mad at the Lunarians for something she herself did to Suwako. Although I don't think her later lines live up to this level of bite she has here.
I still don't think the intro is that needed, but my opinion has improved on it.

>>19303 post also improved my opinion of, "Tomorrow will be Yesterday," as it reminded me of the discussion me and the writer had in the character discussion thread awhile back about Reisen. Although I currently am not fond of a DID Reisen, he brings up a good point about the strong contrast between the world around her and Reisen's feelings. The final paragraph sill leaves me a bit sour, but I wouldn't want the story to be lengthened too much, maybe have something comical to highlight Reisen's disconnect with other people, or perhaps move the explicit apocalyptic description to there and only hint to it earlier in the story.

>>19327
>last exhibition
What happened last exhibition was different. There wasn't much attempt at a reasonable discussion, and people just kind of talked past each other on a fairly insignificant point. The anon you're responding to has at least attempted to steer things from mildly heated words into a different, more productive sort of discussion.

Not to detract from what you're saying about changing your mind on things, obviously. That's great. Just, you know, I don't think there's much danger in what looks at a distance like a slightly strongly-termed pronouncement. If we can't sometimes push back on assumptions and challenge people a little for fear of trouble, it's not much of a community, you feel me?

>>19326
>I am challenging people to try, maybe get out of their comfort zone to do it. It's not about the word count or how thoroughly things are state but about being open-minded and engaging things in good faith, being unafraid of introspection or moving past an initial position.
One-hundred percent this.

>>19322
My reviews on the entries are going to be pretty disorganized and I only have time and motivation to review one of them for now.

With Moon's Cacoon, I really like how the themes of comfort and community are used here; Kaguya and Reisen Raising Silkworms together reminds me a lot of tsurubeji's doujins with the two. Its cute and simple and (not to sound self deprecating again.) feels a lot more sophisticated than my entry (Tomorrow will be Yesterday) especially when both feature the same characters and I dont mean it in a jealous way. If I have to provide some criticism, they were a few grammaical errors such as
>much less interesting what my imagination conjured up
Which I feel like would include than but other than that its great and did exactly what it needed to do.

>brings up a good point about the strong contrast between the world around her and Reisen's feelings

I had an idea while writing it that It would start off as Third person but it's actually Reisen recounting events that she see as things happening to her rather than things she's doing. But I didnt get time to work on it and I needed to ponder more on how that form of Epistolary storytelling could work.

Also Not to be trite, but was in the threads or in >>19295? I know I did bring up it as you said, but I can't remember if I repeated it here or was it worded in the same way, because the say I think about Reisen is a little different to how I talked about her in the threads.

Not related to my entry, but just a quick review of Co-Dependency.
I like the idea here, but I feel like a few things needed to be established. Like Who is Reina outside of her being a Moon Rabbit Soldier? What kind of person is her lover? Did they have a life before they were soldiers? The Lunar Defense Corp here are shown to actually fight in Wars against Earth's military but why? Why were Russian and Greek Soldiers fighting Lunar Soldiers? Why were the Lunarians participating in said war? How long has Reina been a soldier? Has Reina had good relationships before she had a lover? Things like that don't really get answered. As for the use of its themes it felt like it came very abruptly in the end, especially when at the beginning we're just told about Reina's lover but we don't know him. It felt like we as an audience are to already know who he is and the relationship they share together.

Just a little nickpick but I'm not sure why a story centered around Soldiers doesnt at least mention the Watatsuki's who are in charge of the Military. They don't have to have a full appearance, a little mention of them would've been nice. The fic often talked about Lunarians but never actually talked about them individually.

>>19330
Personally I didn't really mind the Wata sisters not being there or not being mentioned. I think it would have taken away from the rabbit, who already doesn't have a lot of focus compared to her ptsd flashbacks. Other than that I agree, i wanted to see more of Reina and her life after the war since it seemed more interesting and relevant to the event themes.
If anything the most confusing thing is the Greek and Russian military being competent. I can believe a lot of things but the Greeks in particular just made me laugh out loud.

Hi, writer of Co-Dependency here. Now that i’ve gotten a fair share of critique I’ll go ahead and reply to it (and likely pass the word count of my own story in the process - let it be known I am nothing but thorough!).

I’d like to address the idea that I've seen from several critiques that seems to boil down to the idea that this story is an amalgamation of several stories - this is true. I have many ideas I’ve come up with, but actually sitting my ass down and writing them is very, very difficult - if I do end up writing them, they often never see the light of day due to a lingering desire for perfection I have. This writing exhibition provided me with an artificial incentive to actually get something based on these various ideas on paper and put it out under a time limit.

Co-Dependency has two main “parents,” as it were, both of which were much much more influenced by my (comparatively much larger than Touhou) interest in military history and geopolitics than Touhou (and thus why, to quote one reviewer, “I can't help a certain feeling that the war end of it got paid more attention on the whole.”):

The first is a concept i’ve had for a long time of a KKHTA final 9/9 where, through Yukari’s assistance (and a couple of airbursted nukes frying a bunch of electronics), what’s left of earth's militaries launches an all out assault on the Lunarian Capitol, quickly overrunning the defences and taking bloody revenge for what the Lunarians did to earth. It was supposed to explore both the atrocities humans commit on subjugated peoples, but also the fact that the LDC would get crushed by modern combined arms forces - I could go on a whole rant about this but to keep it brief: The last time a force as poorly equipped as the LDC “won” (stalemated) was in Korea, and last I checked the LDC doesn’t have decades of experience in a brutal civil/traditional war the PLA soldiers had, nor were the UN forces in Korea comparable to modern combined arms forces.

The second parent is a more recent introspection and development of a headcanon of how moon rabbits think. From my (our) limited outside perspective into the Lunar Capitol, this looks like a powderkeg that should have blown up a long time ago. Take an army of entities you treat as second class citizens at best, and slaves at worst, and give them easy access to firearms, and (try to) train them into a military organization. Add to that no known Coup-proofing measures, no Praetorianism, Politicization, or formation of a Palace Guard/Regime Security force, and they should have been overthrown centuries ago.

The only other explanation (aside from maybe full on mind control) that comes to mind is that the Lunarians have been genetically engineered moon rabbits to be subservient and obedient to their masters. Whether this is done through actual eugenics and gene modification or if it’s an unintentional process where those moon rabbits who were more subservient were more accepted and thus able to breed more is up to the imagination.

Either way the outcome was the same, subservient moon rabbits who seem to exist only to be given orders and to be given work. Suddenly take their masters away from them, and what you end up with is something similar to the Prawns from District 9 (albeit without the violent tendencies).

I was fully aware that the story would not fit neatly into the mold of either the exhibition or Touhou, and even the themes themselves would be pretty poorly served, let’s just say I have a distinct lack of any practical experience in such manners to draw from (translation: milquetoast and lonely life). I am much more comfortable writing death and destruction than I am hope and joy.

Combine this all with current world events, doomerism, an interest in seeing stories where the outside world and Touhou are forced to interact, a very ironic dislike of traditional fantasy, and a bleed-in of themes from the 4 or so milsim mods I’m working on right now, and most importantly, having to wrangle this all into the (unusual to me IRL) themes given by the exhibition, all leads to the story of a reminiscing “stranger in a strange land” who finds comfort with human in a world where there are no gods and no masters, and whether you sink or swim is entirely in your hands alone.

Now on to responding to specific posts.

>>19294

I dislike the way the intro turned out as well. I ran out of time to try and find a way to rewrite it to where it sounded good while also not expanding it to the point where it started overwhelming the rest of the story (although based on some other replies that ship has already sailed). The stuff written around the armored vehicles at the start also suffered due to me trying to write it to sound like it came from someone who doesn’t know anything about armored vehicles when I know quite a bit about them. (for the record, the first one was a BMP-1, while the second was intended to be a T-72AV or similar Soviet MBT with Kontakt-1 ERA mounted)

In regards to the story feeling “weightless;” That’s a consequence of this being an amalgamation of different ideas where a lot of the larger concepts of the world had to be surgically written around so as to not clog up the story and contribute to the very quick burnout I get from writing this type of fiction.

I’m also not the person who wrote about the moon rabbits' last exhibition, in fact this is my first story posted here.

>>19330

>What kind of person is her lover?
Male, in his 20s. Originally I was going to write more about him, but realized he would just be a spitting image of me and decided to not open the can of worms marked “SI/OCs.” It certainly would have been interesting to have essentially a war nerd and PTSD stricken participant of said war under the same roof though.

Might also explain why you feel
>like we as an audience are to already know who he is and the relationship they share together.

If I wasn’t a hack of a writer who pussies out at the thought of being labeled one of those writers, I probably would have tried to expand on his character and make it clear that both of them are suffering - they’re finding comfort in each other in a cruel world. Her problems are internal, her nature as a moon rabbit. His are external, and very relatable to many, I imagine. the stress of work and the fear that comes from living in an uncaring world that at any moment might smack you upside the head. In a way he’s secretly jealous of her, she can work 8 hour shifts with no problem, if anything she’s at ease when she’s working. It’s her cheerfulness at seeing him finally after being away that stops him from simply climbing into bed and shutting off the lights after another 9-5 shift.

>Did they have a life before they were soldiers?
Nope. Assigned from birth.
>The Lunar Defense Corp here are shown to actually fight in Wars against Earth's military but why? Why were Russian and Greek Soldiers fighting Lunar Soldiers? Why were the Lunarians participating in said war?
It’s an invasion of the Lunar Capitol for reasons unspecified. Headcanon (just canon?) for this specific story was an alternate scenario that boils down to multiple simultaneous No Russians but Yukari and friends are Makarov and tanukis and a moon rabbit is Allen. Humans decide to finally end this shit once and for all, put aside their differences and invade the Capitol.
>How long has Reina been a soldier? Has Reina had good relationships before she had a lover?
Undetermined amount of time (assumed assigned since birth), and No.
>Where the hell are the Watatsuki sisters?
Dead. Command staff and other high ranking leaders were first to go. Bunker busters, tactical nukes, nerve gas, Tomahawks, super awesome secret operations involving spec ops that in 20 years will be an all-star blockbuster movie… take your pick, really.

>>19331

The Russian military, if anything, was shockingly incompetent in the opening - if you knew you were heading into a prepared position, why the hell are your dismounts still sitting in their giant rolling bombs? If you have drones circling overhead, why are you not feeding Intel about anti-tank teams to the guys below? Also, single file columns of vehicles in cities? What is this, Grozny?

About the Greek military… I dunno? Greeks in the story were basically pulling rear security, gunning down moon rabbits in groups of 3 at most in the streets, at night, with full NVG equipment is not exactly the hardest job in the world. Can’t really compare them to anything concrete either because I know so little about the “professionalism” of the actual Greek military (I imagine it at least has to be decent considering they have Turkey breathing down their back).

Also, keep in mind that the entire scene was partly a reference to the uparmored HMMWV you have to fight(run from) in The Last of Us, just replace M1151 with M1117 Armored Security Vehicle.

With that all out of the way, I’d also like to say, thanks to everyone for their critiques of my story so far (and any future critiques as well), given I run essentially a one man band and don’t work with any sort of beta reader (or really an editor for any of my projects, no matter the medium), this critique is very useful to me.

>>19333
>Greeks
I think my confused laughter partly stemed from the fact I'm just not used to certain countries in particular being named. A more useful way to put it would probably be something like this.
Since the Lunarians seem to group all earthlings together and not discriminate between them, like how outsiders are just outsider to the inhabitants of Gensokyo although we assume them to be mostly japanese, it struck me as odd the rabbits knew about specific countries. Although expanding on the war itself more could have helped with that, I think the angle of emotional co-dependency between Reina and her human was a more compelling direct that fit more in line with the exhibition's themes.

>>19319
What personality does Kaguya actually have? I read CCLA, years ago I'll admit, but I genuinly don't remember her coming across as well defined enough to call anything out of character. She's very bland, is what I'm saying.

>>19336
Not that Anon, but I think of CiLR's Kaguya as a bit wistful, occasionally thinking the worst of people due to not understanding their actions, but also neither faulting them based on her assumptions, a bit of a worrier as well and not very energetic. For the longest time she hid away from the moon and was frightened of it, and likewise a tale of acid rain made her overly worried about the Inaba because she didn't understand it, even then with Eirin's explanation she still worries. Of course she's also fond of, somewhat thoughtless, giving ridiculous requests like seven colored dango. She's also a bit anxious about not having a job, in her mind earth people don't expect results from anything except their own actions, and as she is now an earth person, she should and and act the same. This is, of course, despite Eirin's advice that she should make finding something to do in of itself her job. So I'd say she values hard work, but only because she believes she should value hard work.
And if this makes sense to you, I'd say the Kaguya in CiLR is a bit like a lazily moving river. Although the Kaguya in my mind is more like the rapids. She also seems keen to whatever Eirin or Tewi get up to, but chooses not to inquire, because like Reisen, she trusts them to handle it.
Either way, I encourage you to read the second chapter of CiLR, it's not too long and it's Kaguya's PoV chapter.

>>19333
A book you might want to read, and that I'd highly recommend, is Gate of the Sun by Elias Khoury. The story isn't directly connected to warfare in the starkest terms of vehicles and guns, but it tells a lot of different stories of people living in a present state of war, considering it's set mostly in Lebanon during the civil war. There's a very real sense within the story of the loss and the displacement, both physical and emotional, that people feel in these sorts of protracted military conflicts. Should you write another story like Co-dependency or similar, you might benefit by giving it a read. It's also just a really great showcase of how stories and narratives themselves can be wrestled from the hands of people who lived them and an all-around beautiful piece of literature. You really feel the tragedy of people caught in war without necessarily having to witness every bit of bloodshed.

>>19337
I read the chapter again, and here is what I'll say:

I think her characterization in it is fine. I don't agree with everything you say (Her wanting 7 color dango really isn't that weird, frankly). But on average I can see a character in there in the form of her being a sheltered princess who wants to do better but lacks the life experience (Despite her age) to actually pull it off. It's certainly better than the usual fandom depiction. As much as the neet jokes are funny (Well, were like ten years ago) they are... kind of insulting. She certainly is looking for a job, even if you could argue she isn't trying all that hard.

I still think her dialogue in IN is... is pretty bland. I can sort off see the character from CILR in there. I get that a lot of the time characterization is kind of off (See Yuyuko in PCB) when a character first appears compared to what they are later. Also, I do think she's just poorly developed since CiLR. I can count the amount of appearances she made on one hand, and none of them really display any of the characterization she has in that one chapter.

I will say this much: That anon is just plain wrong. Kaguya being anxious and not wanting to worry Eirin too much is perfectly in line with her character. She's certainly whimsical(if only due to her lack of life experience), but hardly thoughtless. Her having a lot of self awareness is in fact the one very obvious thing I got from CiLR.

>>19339
>(Her wanting 7 color dango really isn't that weird, frankly)
It's not weird, but it is a bit unreasonable in the work she's asking the Inaba to put in. (Inaba is a last name, not a word for rabbit, I feel like people forget that), especially since she didn't think it through herself and doesn't actually like the idea of eating the dango. Food is made to be eaten, so if you want a type of food it should be appetizing, unless it's a ration or something.
The point is her request isn't very well thought out, but at the same time it's not like she gave them the task thinking they couldn't do it.

>>19345

Inaba is a name you use for the interchangeable members of the slave caste, because as a member of the nobility you can't be bothered to learn their individual names. Kaguya is still a Lunarian by birth and upbringing.

>>19346
Watch less war footage.

>>19346

Uh, no? Inaba specifically refers to the Inaba *clan*, which is headed by Tewi.

Reisen Udongein is the only Moon Rabbit known as "Inaba", which... probably means she got adopted into the clan at some point. Or married into it, if you believe certain doujins.

Seiran, Ringo, and Rei'sen, all the other named rabbits, all Moon Rabbits, have no last names.

While there's definitely some classism or caste setup in place on the Moon for the Moon Rabbits, that has absolutely nothing to do with the Inaba, as they are Earth Rabbits.

>>19348
Reisen's Imperishable Night profile says that Kaguya calls her "Inaba" because she doesn't distinguish between the rabbits and just calls them all "Inaba". I don't think Tewi has ever referred to her as an Inaba.

>>19350
>Reisen's Imperishable Night profile says that Kaguya calls her "Inaba" because she doesn't distinguish between the rabbits and just calls them all "Inaba".
Well by the time she does in CiLR she does.
>"Oh, Reisen. I asked for seven-colored dumplings, but they turned out to be truly vivid, didn't they?"
Probably because unlike the Inaba, who she mostly just knows as servants, she gets to know Reisen as an individual. The rabbits only listen to Tewi anyways so there's no real need for her to differentiate between them either as the orders go through Reisen (who they don't listen to and thus has to tell Tewi), or Tewi (who they do listen to.) Kaguya also points out Eirin's, occasionally impersional use of Reisen's last name as odd so I do think it's just a closeness thing.
Kaguya isn't close to or familar with most of the Inaba, so she just calls them by their last name since it's polite. While the ones she is familiar with she calls by their first name.
>I don't think Tewi has ever referred to her as an Inaba.
Lol what? Tewi doesn't call Reisen Inaba because they're part of the same family, they have the same last name, so there's no point in them calling each other by their last names. That means nothing.

I believe it’s about time to trip in the thread. I opine with the hopes of civil discussion, so please point to anything I might say, but know that I speak largely off the cuff.

I will express thoughts on stories in largely the order that I read them and attempt to give feedback on higher level opinions of each story. I’m sure everyone is nauseous of continual grammar discussion, so I will refrain from doing so. That said, I’ll reserve the right to call out grammar if I believe it obstructs my enjoyment of the story. Point and laugh at the writer who doesn’t grammar good (that being me). I’ve largely avoided all discussion for stories other than my own so forgive me if I retread ground.

More than anything, these are purely subjective taste-based opinions, so if you disagree with any comment that is entirely your decision to make. Also, I enjoyed investing thought into all of the stories here, but if I come off as overly negative I apologize. I might just froth at the mouth from time to time and should probably get it checked out.

At a Remove

Overall while the story has an intended construction, I felt more mixed than I expected on this piece. The imagery and use of detailed environmental descriptions is nothing short of excellent, but the actual narrative it construes didn’t capture me in a way I imagine the writer wanted. Now while it’s my own failing to not swoon for ‘sweaty hags’ as I’ve seen in a scant periphery of the thread, I feel justified in saying I expected the story to run a different course than it did. Throughout the piece there was a pervading sense that Sannyo was not visiting because she wanted to. I imagine I don’t need to give evidence for this point but need to state it as I constantly felt the need to know why she was disposed of her home in the gambling den to then enter the muddy waters of her ‘hag-sister’s’ abode. I figured there would be either a reluctant downplay as her simply visiting to upkeep Ubame’s home or that it would be a plot point working towards resolution by the end, but the subject kept getting danced around. She did end up performing upkeep on Ubame’s home, but that was not the reason she ended up away from her own home, just why she picked that one (aside from seeing members of her species, etc.).

I feel somewhat ashamed to claim that as a problem to the story, since the focus was resolutely on the hag sisters and their interactions throughout, but it was something I couldn’t take my mind off of for the better part of the length.

Now don’t be fooled into thinking that I was in any way bored with the story. There was a clear intent to meander in the presence of the moment to moment of Sannyo’s visit. The heat felt like it would stick to me as I read it, and the image of keeping away pesky mosquitoes kept the house as a visibly open but cozy space.

The part that did fall a little flat to me was when Sannyo broke down to smoke from her pipe, despite the amount of attention it was given throughout. It’s hard for me to pin down why I take issue with that moment specifically, but my first reaction is to say that the description of the event was not to the same standard as the rest of the story. That nervous subservience she showed didn’t come through compared to the way she kept it from her own eyes out of fear. The manic need for a hit wasn’t as strongly felt in that moment for me.

Lastly, I’d like to compliment the character voices throughout. It was easy to get a read on a character’s body language and expression just from their words alone, and that may be in part because the cast is so disparate (read, catty). Nemuno having a nearly childish dialect compared to Sannyo’s high class sass made a natural dynamic for their confrontation and was easily the high point for me.

Tomorrow will be Yesterday

Short, but rife with grammatical hiccups I can only imagine people ascribe to my own work. There’s a lot going on with the general layout of sentences, but I am in no way equipped to judge it for that alone. Except for your usage of capital letters. I’m judging that despite my own proclivities.

Outside of that, I feel like this work has a problem with perspective and place. While it describes Reisen’s enjoyment of seeing a ruined outside world, it focuses little time tackling how she relates (or dissociates) the world to her own life. It’s presumptuous of me to say that was the intent of the work, but I feel like there was a missed opportunity to further compare the risen sea to Eirin’s workaholic demands, or the broken infrastructure to Tewi’s chaotic nature ruining a calm day. Why not let the metaphor extend? Why not let it overextend, in fact? Reisen could reflect on seeing beauty in the desolation around her as a self inflicted paradox as opposed to a more base sadistic desire.

Overall I feel like something interesting can be done here, and the buds poke out in a few places, but the story is either too short to expand on it or I’m completely off base on what the work wants to impart.

Working life sucks, I guess?

Co-dependency

To say this is a strange tale would be a misnomer to its oddness. Now there are many angles I could attack it from, but attacking doesn’t feel very constructive in how to pose it. Let’s say ‘dissect,’ for now.

This story needs to be dissected- bisected, even- because it feels like two separate stories layered atop one another. While I understand that I don’t understand traumatic episodes, it does feel like these ones of a rabbit remembering war don’t have the expected impact on our character. What I mean is, from the beginning, where Reina remembers being shot at by a tank, the cut into her waking up to an alarm clock doesn’t feel like it was connected in a way I believe. Sure the ear ringing was present, but she didn’t wake up in a cold sweat? Her heart wasn’t palpitating like she was fighting for her life?

This is overly critical if it only happened once, but the other memory has the same problem, ending in a non sequitur. She arrives at her job like she didn’t have horrific memories flashing through her mind. Sure, it’s possible that enough time has passed that it doesn’t affect her as much anymore, but that would vastly undermine the reason the final scene happens.

Speaking of, the comfort from the last scene doesn’t particularly call to me since the boyfriend didn’t really have much characterization. For now I’ll assume it was due to space/time constraints and there is a character in mind, but for now I’m left with the vague idea of a person that has the kind of presence that can calm Reina. More than with head pats, I mean. Though I’m a sucker for head pats.

And don’t take any of this as me saying this isn’t a story worth exploring. The simple idea of rabbit troops integrating into society is interesting, and using a rabbit as the focal view of events eases the inclusion of harsher reality as she sees it.

Tabula Scripta

Outside of a rough start, I liked this story. It was a fun read, with numerous interesting references and a nonsensical cast of goofballs straight out of a storybook. How can I not love a maneki-neko who covers a hole with a cocktail umbrella?

I have little to say outside of how abrupt the climax was with the surprise Ellen cameo. The way it recontextualizes the antagonist was a nice twist of something obvious from the name ‘philosopher’ and the title, but it still came crashing into the scene. Now, of course, maybe there was some foreshadowing that I missed before that, but the cats did come together to call for a miracle so I can’t be too mad. It was that or deus ex Sanae, I suppose.

I realize that this may not be terribly helpful as a review/critique, but I can’t really distinguish things that I think are wrong with the actual story part of the story here.

The Geezer Gaiden

I like these old dumbasses. The simpler structure of the story, breaking the conversations up into discrete units, eases the digestion a lot and allows important elements to be reintroduced naturally (ie- the mens’ hairs). This is otherwise a very simple to explain story. In a good way, I think. The two men being nearly imperceptible components of contemporary Gensokyo history is a nice conceit to drive the reader around plot points of other characters.

While it’s easy to say that people not heavily into Touhou lore already wouldn’t get as much out of this work, I don’t think that’s any sort of sin. Not every idea needs to be a purely functional standalone work if you understand the audience you’re connecting to.

Me, I’m that audience. Thank you.

Night, Outside

I like a lot of the character interaction between the two in this story. Their dynamic is very easy to pick up on and it leads to an emergent flow in the conversation, even during moments that break up the flow such as when the werebear rolls by. Also, I love the view of a Gensokyo so used to the supernatural in everyday life that a random villager will have a lifelong friendship with a kappa and know several Youkai disguising themselves as villagers.

Where the story kind of slips away from me is in the very detailed introduction before the kappa shows up and the ending when the conversation pivots to more lascivious ideas. The latter is more just a matter of taste, but I felt the earlier portion was largely fluff as I waited for the deuteragonist to appear. Now obviously we need an introduction and setting is a key factor for contextualizing events, but we don’t have the kappa show up until the second post. I feel like there’s a large number of redundant points in the first post that can be culled for the sake of a tighter narrative.

Yes, you’re allowed to turn all of that last comment on me as well. No, I don’t retract my statement.

Moon’s Cocoon

I appreciate the idea of shenanigans that Kaguya might get up to in her (infinite) free time. It’s easy enough to see her as perpetually bored in her immortality, but her cockamamie nature, always testing Eirin’s intelligence and patience, is fun to explore. It’s especially fun since she’s so earnest about wanting something on a whim that she’ll only consider the consequences right at the end.

It’s all so wistful, like Kaguya expects something to be fun and so she just has fun with it. That immediately comes into contrast with her more somber moment comparing the silk worms to herself as they shine in the moonlight. I found the visuals very effective at conveying Kaguya’s continued thoughts on the nature of life and how she can interact with it, thus shaping her decision to let the worms become moths.

One thing I’ll mention on the narrative end is I’m not sure the intro block was really necessary. I think starting directly from the winter scene would have been perfectly fine, especially since I never got the impression we returned to that summer scene.

Imagine Yuiman Happy

I’m tossed up here. The character dynamics between Sanae, Yuiman, and Kanako are good. I like the sort of historical background that sets up the baggage between Kanako and Yuiman. But then the story ends at what feels like a halfway point. Yuiman running away from the problem doesn’t feel like much of anything has been resolved in the story that we get, and I’m left feeling like I didn’t get the full dish.

Of course, I don’t think you could resolve the core conflict with a single extra scene. Even the space that you could save on some of the fattier moments wouldn’t give the room you’d need without making the work twice as long (in my immediate thoughts). So then it becomes how do you rework the ending to resolve the story? I couldn’t say, we only get to the core of the conflict near the end.

Maybe I missed the intent of the story somewhere along the way? I’m sorry if this all comes off as incongruous to what you desired from the piece.

Also, you are not excused for making Yuiman say skibidi toilet. I am in fact disgusted by reading that.

Hieda Legacy ~ Bonds Through Time

This is my story. Which I was happy with at the time of posting, but now I feel like I’ve disappointed myself more than anyone else. I’ve been aiming for more than a lukewarm response, but so far it’s been the same as each exhibition I’ve been part of.

Grammar being the largest point of contention is nothing short of harrowing. I’ve heard it enough times to wonder if I’m doing something entirely wrong but can never pin down why I construct sentences the way I do. I feel like I need some resource on complex grammar to curb my problem, otherwise I’ll make little to no progress.

As for the story itself I decided to run with a more familiar setup to try and give myself an edge. Dialogue heavy. Characters I know. Simple problem that can be resolved purely through speech. Things I largely consider ease of use for making a story. I was definitely not expecting to see multiple people say that the friendship between Keine and Akyuu didn’t feel natural. I had an inkling on the tea set which needed a better context bridge and the intro which was reworked for function over proper integration, but the basic premise of the friendship? I still can’t say I see where that factor breaks down. And mind, the two characters aren’t meant to be close in an obvious way. Keine is a bit like an aunt who doesn’t know how to approach her niece, but at the same time she considers Akyuu somewhat of an equal. With her being used to the people of the village and their simpler human conditions, she has trouble expressing her mind to someone as unique as Akyuu. Let me know if that gets across how I hoped the dialogue and their overall relationship is structured.

Most of all, I’m having trouble even determining if it was an enjoyable read for the group here. The lack of comments from people have left me in the dark, while everyone I’ve personally showed the story to said it was fine. I don’t mind if you said you didn’t like it, but I do want feedback regardless.

>>19322
>>19305 here. I felt like I made a bit of a poor showing with my impressions of Moon's Cocoon, so I'd like to share just a bit more, since it's basically the best entry to me.

The way I see the story is one about ambiguous, sometimes ambivalent, feelings that can't necessarily hope for resolution. On a certain level, it's relatable. Sometimes one can't come to definite standpoint; sometimes one occupies even clashing positions at once. Kaguya has a certain recognition of her relationships with those around her, mostly seen vis-a-vis Reisen, and she sees the significance of where the two of them stand as nearly master and servant (by proxy). She at least perceives, though she can't know for sure, that Reisen holds her in a position of respect.

>I knew that she enjoyed acting a little bit haughty when it came to Eirin. It was a heartfelt, though a little misguided, display of affection and respect. [...] As far as she was concerned, those who lived at Eientei […] possessed superior qualities well worth honoring.

At the same time, Kaguya won't 'disabuse her of the notion' that she and Eirin are superior, though she won't agree, either. Even having an awareness of that relationship between them, not to mention the sense of familiarity that grows as they care for the silkworms, there's a little shred of something Kaguya is holding onto for herself. The same sort of thing shows in how Kaguya keeps things to herself, not letting on about her private thoughts.

>I thought about trying to share my disordered thoughts with Eirin but I did not know how to gather and shape that anxiety into anything coherent. Unable to make much sense, I didn’t want to worry her needlessly. Nor did I wish to risk finding out if she would be unable to relate to my feelings or to the still-growing silkworms. It was perversely enticing to keep that secret to myself. I allowed myself chew on thoughts and feelings as they came, in no particular hurry and with no set expectations.

She even revels in it to an extent. As an aside, this particular aspect of Kaguya on display is particularly delightful to me, because it feels very of her as a character; she inhabits the image of a capricious princess character, modelled a bit on the protoypical image of some sheltered Heian noblewoman. Even if it's often couched in anxious, almost breathless terms, one can't help getting a sense of playfulness, almost mischief, from Kaguya in this story.

And I would say anxiety is also a big part of the story. Kaguya is preoccupied with the silkworms even before she's cared for them. To her, they take on a significance a bit greater than just worms that spin silk and become moths. In them, she sees a persona of helpless nobility. They remind her of herself, and she can't help seeing parallels to them in herself, sometimes being a little unnerved by it. That beautiful, illuminating moonlight contorts both her view of her own skin and flesh and shows it to be a bit strange, like the worms she so carefully tends. Those tendencies that she tries to pull herself away from are still a part of her on some level.

>I checked in on those single-minded creatures one night with a gibbous moon overhead but could not see much different in their bearing nor in their behavior. The light distorted my perception and I wiggled around my fingers, thinking them similar in color and substance to the silkworms. That was a disquieting illusion that took me aback. I knew that, under a different light, we would appear to be very different. Still, in that moment, it felt like there was some sort of connection, some sort of eternal commonality that was imposed upon us by the moon.

>At times I was tempted to make a comment about the impurity that permeated all things on Earth. The short life cycle of the silkworm seemed to be a clear example of that. I had even wondered if they would have any effect on my carefully-cared-for bonsai which Eirin had previously said would eventually grow jeweled fruits as a reaction to Earth’s ambient impurity. I held my tongue, thinking that the obsession with purity and impurity was best left to those who still lived on the moon.
>As we were draped in dim, leaden, moonlight, I allowed myself to think about impurity and its presence in nearly all things. Even lunarians couldn’t completely escape it. The Lunar Capital and its seemingly-eternal stasis would also one day come to an end.

The lunar princess welcomes changes that can come about as 'novel' and 'interesting', yet she also can't deny a certain anxiety about them. The silkworms that she raises are fated to die by the normal progression of things, and she attributes to herself a control over them that I think she wishes she had over herself, perhaps others. She also sees what could be a parallel to how she views the idea of herself as she could have been, had she not become an earth-dweller.

>They would still decide to sit in a box, wait for their food, spin their cocoons, and race towards their inevitable deaths. They were afraid of the unknown.

In the end, she makes the decision to let the silkworms become moths and allow the silk to be imperfect. The cycle will continue as she and Reisen keep tending more silkworms. She hasn't resolved the anxiety within herself entirely, nor has there been a total and complete change between herself and Reisen. Things will continue to wax and wane, with Reisen at times being the same deferential and distant rabbit, and others being more open and candid. Even if she can't know where it may end, a fact that may on some level provoke anxiety, Kaguya looks forward to it.

>“I’ll be in your care,” she said, her hair swaying behind her as she bowed.
>“And I’ll be in yours,” I returned the gesture, confident that I had made the right choice.

Honestly, there's so much more going on. This piece is such a beautifully multi-layered one that it's possible to get lost in all the little details going on. There's the implications of cycles with the seasons, or the way various small things parallel each other. There's the quiet way that Eirin clearly dotes on Kaguya without being directly affectionate, a part that some could argue needed more and yet I feel speaks pretty well for itself. There's the understated beauty in moonlight on snow, in a rabbit able to vanish into whiteness, in bamboo seen through rain, in rising vapour that 'counters the downward motion of rain', in blue veins seen through translucent skin, in shimmering cocoons like 'gossamer curtains of a palace', and so on. I feel a real love that went into this piece, and I appreciate it — even if I'm terrible at articulating it.

I enjoyed reading this exhibition. I've got my thoughts together for a few stories, but I haven't the energy to add to other's discussions so these are just my own thoughts on the stories rn.

At A Remove

A bit slow in the beginning. and it didn't really hook me... I wasn't very motivated to keep reading
Probably spanish-speaking based on the random accented letters
I think the story is good, from the perspective of Sannyo in a muggy overwhelming it'd make sense to have the prose it has - but I think that nonetheless it would benefit from some passes focused on readability, as I found it hard to read and thus to enjoy.

Hieda Legacy ~ Bonds Through Time

Its an interesting bait and switch as a hook. Akyuu dies frequently in fanworks. I can relate to holing myself up out of anxiety/fear, though not against something so existential as an early death... I guess thats the central conflict.
I think that this was what took me the most in the story and I wish it was explored more. maybe Keine gets emotional when she seperates from Akyuu to get the tea set, angry at Akyuu for wasting her own limited time in melancholy alone, and maybe angry at herself for not coming to see her earlier. Maybe more focus on that in the ending, which seemed dismiss this question in a way thats kind of unsettling... like the characters just want to get back to being comfortable rather than properly facing the problem. like, does Keine really believe Akyuu will have plenty more time for Akyuu in the future?

Imagine Yuiman Happy

You put my favourite character in this one (Suwako); even if she's just in a supporting role I love to see her!!!!
I enjoy how the energetic characterisation of the Moriya Shrine (and Kanako's press ganging) contrasts with Yuiman's... She just sorta takes stuff in? I don't know the word for that. The conflict makes sense - Yuiman has already served the Lunarians for decades, she's been let down by Kanako when preparing to fight a greater enemy before, and Kanako says its all for the sake of her brother, who was the one who took threatened them and broke them apart.
There's stuff to think about in this conflict between the two, and I think if that was focused on this story would be great.
Its fun to see stuff like this... like, the stuff that's mentioned in canon offhand, being rendered out like this.

>>19352
That stuff is potent, apparently...
>Hieda Legacy ~ Bonds Through Time
If I had to say, I feel like the dialogue doesn't have time to breathe. It's just my preference, but it doesn't feel like their conversation has a strong rhythm, I understand how A gets to B, and everything makes sense. But there's a quality that's hard to describe. There's a quality that's hard to capture in close friendships, maybe it could have been better if more was left unsaid between the two and you tried to flex your descriptive muscles some more? This is probably my bias as someone enchanted by purple prose and heavy internal narration.
The plot is functional, a problem is introduced, Akyuu being a shut in, the middle part of the story is spent dealing with the problem, and then it has a resolution when Akyuu finds her resolve to savoir her life. It'd good, okay, but I feel like it could have hit more, maybe have Akyuu outlive someone else and that causes her anxiety? The instigation of her fear feels a bit arbitrary, and that can be good as well, but I feel like things like.
>Savoir life
Tend to hit harder with a reminder of morality
I'd have to disagree with >>19355 this person who made the statement in pic rel. If Akyuu will die or not isn't the conflict, or really the problem. In general people die eventually, the problem is that Akyuu's fears surrounding her mortality are causing her to become a neet.

>chores, cooking, eating, cleaning, rereading, big thonking, typing, etc.
sorry. i'm barely qualified at this. and i'm exhausted. need a bit more time.
i prepared this exact post yesterday with "where the heck is everyone" here so it's great to see more input today!!

>>19354
It's too late, I've depicted you as Makima and Kaguya as Denji.

Author of Imagine Yuiman Happy here. Thanks, everyone, for your thoughtful comments and feedback. It seems like I missed the mark here a bit and wasn't able to fully get across what I was going for. Let me explain the genesis of my story, my intentions, and where they might have gotten lost.

I was struck by a particular line in the exhibition prompt:

>There may be synergy and crossover between the themes or they could very well be in opposition.

The yamanba are the most natural candidates in Touhou lore as someone for whom comfort and community are in opposition (another participant did touch on this), but I had been doing a lot of thinking about the ending of Fossilized Wonders lately, and Yuiman seemed like a real possibility. Even after she was freed, she was still inside the pyramid as of the EX stage, and Toyohime didn't seem worried that the Lunar Capital was about to fall. Did Yuiman decide to keep working for the Lunarians? Why? Well, she had a comfortable life in Asama, and she might not want to give that up to join Gensokyo. There's a line in her profile regarding her being kept on Earth by the Lunarians: "She opts not to think about the matter. The Lunar Capital isn't appealing to her at all - and above all else, the pyramid has a room displaying all four beautiful seasons, based on various landscapes from her homeland." I wanted to explore that Yuiman, that became the theme of the story. I decided it had to be in first person, to get inside the head of the person who would think like that.

Scattered across the endings and EX stage dialogue of FW, you see glimpses of Kanako sending Sanae to bring Yuiman back, Yuiman visiting the shrine, but then Yuiman returning to the pyramid. That became the basis of the plot. The endings of FW and LoLK show Kanako as having a grudge against the Lunarians, and my Yuiman wouldn't share that grudge, despite being objectively having been very much mistreated by them. This would create conflict, conflict is uncomfortable, Yuiman would retreat away from this conflict back into her comfortable cave to watch shadows on the wall, and there's your story. A tragic ending, except is it really a tragedy if Yuiman is fine with it? I thought that was an interesting story to tell.

Things got off course when it came time to actually write the details of the conflict. In order to do that I needed to understand Yuiman and Kanako's relationship, and the nature of Kanako's grudge toward the Lunarians. I fell down a rabbit hole of Japanese mythology research, about the myth of Saburou Kouga (Yuiman's origin) and the Tenson Kourin (the origin of Kanako's grudge). Silent Sinner in Blue suggests that Take-Minakata is sealed by a shimenawa in Moriya Shrine, which adds an additional twist and more mythology to investigate. The problem is, I caught up in piecing together headcanons about Touhou god backstories and I put too much of it in the story. This is clear in the feedback I got:

>The core of the story comes across as Yuiman and Kanako having had a romantic attachment and the aftermath of all that.
>I feel like it could have started in-media-res with Yuiman coming to the shrine and a paragraph breezing over how she got there and I wouldn't have questioned it.
>The story ends at what feels like a halfway point. Yuiman running away from the problem doesn’t feel like much of anything has been resolved in the story that we get, and I’m left feeling like I didn’t get the full dish.
>Maybe I missed the intent of the story somewhere along the way? I’m sorry if this all comes off as incongruous to what you desired from the piece.

It's my job as a writer to convey my intent. The story I was trying to tell absolutely begins and ends in the pyramid, Yuiman leaving the streams of data then returning to them by choice because impersonal data is more comfy than personal drama. But that aspect got lost next to the grandiose backstory/relationship with Kanako, which is a failure on my part. I think if I were going to redo this story, I would try to make it work without the flashback scenes. I like the characterization of Yuiman getting lost in memory in the middle of a conversation, but the flashbacks just put too much narrative weight in a place where it doesn't fit, and the story gets unbalanced. If I allude to their past rather than describe it, that might help keep the focus where it's supposed to be. That would also let me avoid writing Take-Minakata, who's effectively an OC since we learn basically nothing about him in Touhou canon, and who's more of a macguffin than a developed character.

I don't consider this story a total failure or anything. I'm happy with the character voices, I think the story moves at a good pace, and it has a sense of humor to make it fun to read. But it's structurally kind of a mess, and I can understand how it met with mixed-to-negative reception. I'll try to keep narrative balance in mind when writing future stories.

I do want to respond to one thing in >>19308
>You can have your little ancillary things such as Sanae being flustered with a mention of Tsukasa if the core of your story is strong.

Sanae being flustered about Tsukasa seemed ancillary because I didn't get the core of the story across, but there was purpose there. Sanae's role in the story is to be a counterexample to Yuiman, a version of Yuiman engaged with the world rather than removed and intermediated. Part of what Yuiman is forgoing in the Pit is a chance at a cute girlish love story. I didn't want to just show the heartache and abandonment of romance without the fun parts.

>>19361
I agree with your conclusion here, but I have a question. What about Kanako's part? There's a lot about Yuiman here, which is fine, but I'm curious what your intent with her was here. I'm probably influenced a bit by SSiB and some of my own headcanons, but I think of actively going after the Lunarians as something that'd be a fool's errand, risky, and something more likely to get yourself hurt. My interpretation is that Kanako wasn't doing it for Yuiman or her brother, but rather for the sake of her own damaged ego. Unlike with her brother, the Lunarians aren't an active threat she's now choosing to oppose, the incident is already over and once again she failed to do anything. For one thing Yuiman doesn't want to be avenged and Kanako talks about rubbing dirt in faces and being looked down on, instead of freeing her brother or wanting to help/reconnect with Yuiman.
Suwako does also downplay Kanako's feelings, saying she's just excited

Also I want to disagree with >>19352
>The story ends at what feels like a halfway point. Yuiman running away from the problem doesn’t feel like much of anything has been resolved in the story that we get, and I’m left feeling like I didn’t get the full dish.
I like Yuiman running back to a comfortable place and refusing to do anything about the Lunarians. For one thing the conflict is more about Yuiman herself and I think her refusing to leave her comfort zone is a good ending. After all, from her point of view Kanako and Sanae bothering her and trying to drag her into conflict is the problem.

>>19362
Not that Anon, but aside from Sanae's annoying line
>It's not that I like you or anything
Which I despise because of how cliche it sounds. Eh, you don't have me convinced for the whole Tsukasa thing, even if Yuiman left the pit Kanko's explanation seemed more like "we'll get revenge" rather than "We'll get together" aside from that there's not really a strong parallel drawn between Yuiman/Kanako and Tsukasa/Sanae. Not only in that their situations aren't similar, Tsukasa came to the shrine in order to subvert it for profit, but in how their characters act. The risk of Sanae or Tsukasa becoming overly self indulgent and complacent like Yuiman isn't brought up either.
I feel like doing at least one of those three things could have improved it.
>cute girlish love story
Even your explanation feels self indulgent, but who am I to judge.
Anyway, my own idea was that this'd be something that draws in Suwako as well with her having her own point of view that contrasts against kanako. She being a semi-retired god sort of like Yuiman who lazies around while letting Kanako handle a lot of the shrine business, while also having her own pride and neither being a pushover or wanting to get into a fight with the Lunarians.
She'd do something like quote Sanae's complaint about how kanako is trying to drag people off in her own ideas again, but she'd also hate Yuiman's shitty attitude and find whatever skibidi grok backrooms five nights at zoomer slop Yuiman likes impenetrable and vapid. So she'd end up being the voice of reason between the two.

>>19364
The thought was, Kanako has been legitimately wronged by the Lunarians, just as Yuiman has. The Tenson Kourin was a messed-up business. But contrasting Yuiman's passivity towards what was done to her, Kanako has clung to her grudge with bitterness, to the point that she's blind to Yuiman feeling differently. The shimenawa is a major part of her character design, and in this story it's a symbol of her anger toward the Lunarians. Even though she couldn't do anything to fight them or she'd risk being sealed away too, she kept that flame of enmity burning over the centuries.

Basically each of the Moriya gods represents a different path Yuiman could take. She could earnestly and open-heartedly explore the wonders of Gensokyo like Sanae, she could define herself in opposition to those who wronged her (either the Lunarians or Kanako) like Kanako, or she could accept what happened with a wry sense of humor and try to build mature relationships like Suwako. She declines all those options.

Oh and regarding the cute girlish love story, I'm not meaning that in terms of Yuiman and Kanako getting back together. There's just lots of cute girls to meet in Gensokyo! She could hit it off with, IDK, Alice or somebody. You don't know until you try!

>>19369
Thanks for clarifying about Kanako, but about
>Cute girlish love story
I just thought it was a funny/odd way to describe a romance between two adult women.

I suppose enough time has passed. I'm the author of At a Remove.

I'm not that sure what all to say about the piece, all in all. It took me long enough to get a concept together that the writing period was nearly half over. That I wrote the thing in nearly two weeks feels nothing short of miraculous. Then again, once I had the concept, I also had various goals that I wanted to meet, something indispensable for me when it comes to writing. That whole part of it isn't all that fascinating from the outside, I feel, so I'm going to skip talking of it.

Perhaps of more importance to say is that there's a certain worldview quietly settled within this story. Namely, my view of the mountain hags: However much they dress it up, there is a fundamental violence in their nature. This isn't to suggest some kind of atavism or paint them as 'savages', but there is simply a sometimes explosively passionate character to them, perhaps more intense than a human could ever perceive. The shortcuts I've seen to portraying non-humans, as far as Touhou goes, have tended to be either a) appeals to obvious non-human resemblances (often animals, but not exclusively) or b) a cavalier attitude towards (chiefly human) death or anthropophagia. I mention this because yamanba are notionally human-like in appearance and, perhaps, demeanour, and I prize being able to capture some level of distinction. However, I'm not fond of the typical shortcuts, so I'm left to puzzle other strategies to 'otherise' youkai characters without turning that 'other'-ness into the focus. Hence, whilst not a mindblowing idea by any means, mountain hags have an inclination towards anger and passion, an 'ugliness' that's only hidden by how they dress themselves up, something Sannyo herself alludes to late in the piece.

As to the story itself, one thing I'd like to point out is the themes of the exhibition. I think it would be easy to expect that 'comfort' for Sannyo means her pipe. After all, that is a recognisable and prominent motif with her. However, the actual 'comfort' part of the equation is tied in with the 'community' part of it. Yes, it is her hag-sisters in whom she finds comfort. Now, you might protest, "But how? She's clearly uncomfortable with them and easily comes into conflict with them." My answer is that, in the context of this story — considering there's little else beyond personal interpretation to go off of with any of these characters, let's face it — Sannyo, for however far she's pulled away from her 'origins', can't help being comforted by the familiarity of even the fiercest conflicts with her hag-sisters. It's a perverse sort of instinct, but I think it's in line with my conception of a mountain hag. Moreover, though perhaps only subtly indicated, this act of returning to her erstwhile 'community' is something of a cyclical thing. She frames it for herself as something of an obligation; she invested considerable resources helping Ubame build a house, so she takes it as an opportunity to continually look in on Ubame. This all comes from a place of inner conflict over having abandoned the more reclusive yamanba lifestyle. However much she takes to her life of gambling and fleeting pleasures, there is an awareness that she is, after all, a black sheep of the 'family', having gone her own way out of a difference in temperament. On some level, she can't help but try to justify herself, if not for the sake of her hag-sisters then for her own sake. That's why she continually makes the journey to browbeat her closest ally among her hag-sisters, and it is within that repeated act that she finds something akin to comfort.

Now, there is a whole other aspect to the story of Sannyo experiencing emotions she can't fully process. Indeed, the whole purpose of her visit here isn't simply to make a case about her lifestyle. Something has obviously happened that has disturbed Sannyo. That said, the actual specifics aren't important for the purposes of the story. Yes, I said it. The point isn't knowing the exact problem she's facing as much as what she undergoes for it. I will just say, as a minor concession to those not sold on the notion, that you could take the little hag idiom of 'chasing boars with no intention to eat them' as many things, including perhaps a comment on the sorts of entanglements someone like Sannyo, perhaps ingratiating herself with patrons in the manner of the epithet 'tayuu', might get herself into; don't take that as a definitive comment on the matter, of course, because the true answer to the question remains that there is no answer. Similarly, Sannyo restraining herself from her tobacco is a simple symptom of these emotions she suffers, and you might understand it as her punishing herself or prolonging her suffering out of some perverseness on her part. Indeed, even if a degree of smoke-derived analgesia might notionally ease some things for her, it doesn't provide much of a remedy in the end. She's aware that something still weighs her down by the end, even if its weight has been lessened a little, bringing her minor catharsis in that relief.

All of that is to say that there was much riding on the various aspects of the piece. In all honesty, there's more I could go into, but I think over-explaining is the death of stories. If nothing else, I hope that those who read to the end at least considered some of the aspects of the piece that struck them as odd or discordant. My intention was something atmospheric and thoughtful, if not somewhat meditative on some level. In that sense, I consider it a success if I managed to raise a nagging question in the mind of the reader.

Thank you to those who participated, and even more thanks to those who showed the least appreciation for my entry, even those who had their quibbles.

>>19352
I'm glad you at least appreciated the sense of atmosphere and the dynamic between the hag-sisters. I'm not sure what to say on your expectations regarding the events, but I would counter that I think it's a good thing that the tension of not quite knowing Sannyo's exact deal nagged you. Of course, I have tried to explain a modest degree of things just above, so maybe that might at least scratch the itch a little.

As to the moment when Sannyo finally does smoke, there wasn't meant to be much significance at all to it. Her desperation has been ever-present up to that point, and her tobacco doesn't, as mentioned, go very far towards relieving it. If anything, all it really did was perhaps contributing to calming the fighting Ubame and Nemuno. Then again, perhaps Sannyo just sat and smoked whilst waiting for them to wear themselves out. Small matters like that are yours to think of as you like.

>>19304
As with the above, I'm at least glad you took in some sense of the atmosphere and mood of the piece.

Regarding Nemuno, I don't feel that the childishness displayed in this story is incompatible with a maternal nature. People — even youkai, I'd say — are multifaceted and will change depending on their surroundings and who they're around. In this case, her hag-sisters bring out a far different sort of behaviour than she'd manifest if she was, say, accompanying a lost human. She might still be jealous of Sannyo and try to needle her, but I think she'd also rein it in a bit for the sake of appearances in a situation like that; how successful she'd be is anyone's guess. Also, just incidentally, Ubame does note that Nemuno 'takes in strays'.

>>19308
This post is getting quite long already, so I'm not going to be as profuse as I probably ought to be with my thanks for your appreciation and thoughtfulness in your response. It heartens me to feel understood in such a way. It heartens me enough, in fact, that I'm trying to ride that wave towards continuing with works I've left dormant for a time. Truly, thank you.

at the risk of tiring everynyan: i can only give my (hopefully not too stale) thoughts as a reader. i am not in any way learned in writing, linguistics or anything, really, so i'm not comfortable to comment on grammatical stuff. i will be bouncing off the thoughts of others too, so credits as always to the exhaustive efforts of the writers and reviewers.

i hope these discussions will encourage others (non-entrants can chip in too, right?) to not be shy about giving their reading experience or first impressions. and questions! we're not all just here to pontificate and elucidate, yes? readers, don't be afraid to ask writers and, writers, don't miss the chance to ask readers.

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At A Remove
(i haven't read your new post yet btw)
the densest entry, i'd say. a thoroughly thought-out work as another, more gushing review said, chock-full of descriptory detail that serve not only to inform setting, but also emotion. details as awareness. details that become motifs as they repeat again and again. the heat, the noise, the pipe, the tile—almost every little thing, varied as they are, singularly unite against sannyo's vulnerability. when the word came up, i think it put the entire story into perspective: a volcano. it becomes a tension play for a good part of it, a game of pushing and pulling, and i'd like to also note how both themes are at constant odds with itself: comfort and discomfort, community and alienation, until—eruption!

i admit to having the same experience of the prose being a bit too much. i thought at first i just needed warmup but, even with a reread, i cannot help noticing there's a roughness and even redundancy to parts of it. it's not about the complexity, i feel. however, i will say that it did not feel as cumbersome by the climax and everything after. the reading is relatively smooth sailing by then. nemuno's antics, sannyo just paralysed by her emotions spilling over, her mad scramble for the tobacco and the extended catharsis and reminiscence after with ubame—those are the strongest parts for me. and overall a nice outlook into a mundane yet unexpectedly familial yamanba life.

i can agree with it being an exhausting read. fitting perhaps, but maybe it could have been smoother, mostly the first part. i dunno. may just be a matter of preference. i leave it to the author how satisfied they are with their work. great effort nonetheless. a work defined by its excess than what it lacks, to its benefit and detriment. it's certainly beyond what i'm doing.

inane question: i got confused when they mentioned their mums. was it with all three of them or just between the two? i'm thinking the former.

Hieda Legacy ~ Bonds Through Time
to assuage the writer's distress, yes, i did enjoy my reread of this. i feel i like it more now, thinking on it after having read the other reviews. and i'd like to remind the writer that a couple reviews did not mean they disliked it as much as they felt that it wasn't as good as it could've been. there's a basis to that expectation, i should think. the opening scene easily allowed me into the flow of it, esp. coming from the previous entry, and i appreciate the comparatively simple descriptions of things and places throughout. also, it almost looked to me like an epistolary fic from the first paragraph. reading dracula rn. personally, i enjoyed the tea set and headstone story too.

i have not read FS. i like knowing canon but am not a complete stickler to it. so, in my own case, i cannot buy them not having some rapport just from akyuu's comment on keine's lessons being boring, seeing as they have appeared together in a temple school ad. i don't think they're meant to be awfully close here. the whole fic is not a mutual trade of stories and histories. it's keine somewhat selfishly dragging along a distressed akyuu, who keeps reminding the former to take her seriously. keine's long-standing respect and tears are for aya. if anything, her speech at the end for akyuu feels more like a professional thing, with a general air of fondness. akyuu, for her part, got into keine's account of aya with a chronicler's interest. i do not find keine and akyuu's relationship here that unbelievable, though it may be helped somewhat by my own ignorance. they're a bit awkward, yes, but i believe that's where they're at.

i'd say there is an awkwardness surrounding the dialogue. like, not so much the stuff in the quotation marks themselves—they appear mostly fine to me—but the framing of the actions in between them, whatever they're called. i have to admit it's something i've begun notice in your other work too but, as i've said, i don't think your scene setting is bad here. again, it may just be just a matter of style and taste; the others have more useful advice. another thing i will say is that, despite buying their relationship here, the emotional moments for keine did not quite hit for me. keine herself says a bit during them but, for me, there's a lack of detailing her own internal process. kinda jarring because this is supposed to be *her* pov. i feel there was more detail needed, and i know it's something you can do.

Imagine Yuiman Happy
(i also have not read your explanation post as i write this)
for this, i think there's already much more useful things said by others. i agree with the notion of it having "too much, yet too little" by the middle of it. there were a few interesting topics introduced, but they straddle that unfortunate line by being too prominent to just be an interesting tidbit yet not having enough for how much they're put forward. maybe they would have served better as minor details/implications in a slightly longer dialogue with kanako (instead of flashbacks) but as a shorter fic overall. as it is, there's not enough context and texture, i feel, for those things to have pull and be meaningful. it could either be longer or shorter.

i will say the best parts for me are actually the start and the end. i have not checked th20 stuff at all so i know nothing of yuiman but i enjoyed how you've portrayed her with her thoughts, proclivities and her snek. i like the peppy sanae too. if anything, i quite enjoyed the silly and lighthearted things comparatively more. it's when matters turned a bit serious that i felt it lacking in appropriate substance.

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i feel i should at least post these three first since it's taking unreasonably long for me to finish. as always: take what i say with a grain of salt, and remember that you don't have to agree with all criticism. i expect not having as much to yap about the others, excepting one. now i try to sleep while a canker sore is killing me.