Eientei and Lunar Capital
Forest of Magic and Flower Fields
Hakurei Border and Afterlife
Hakurei Shrine, Human Village and Myouren Temple
Scarlet Devil Mansion and Misty Lake
Youkai Mountain and Heaven
Underground and Makai
not a color we know
Youkai Mountain & Heaven
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2015/02/04 (Wed) 06:24
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There are many ways to spend a sunny afternoon in a Tengu base. Sketch the mountain, play cards with your squad, do some exercises, or hell, take a nap in the sun or a shady tree.
Or you could stand in the center of a base, right under a blazing skylight being made fun of by someone pretending to be your new commanding officer. Guess which one I’m doing?
“So… What in the world are we supposed to call you kid?” The wolf tengu in front of me said, looking through my scroll, vaguely interested in what she was actually reading. “And I don’t mean your name. Seriously. A crow and a wolf, would that be worow?” She asked, rolling the scroll up again and tying it shut.
“Are you really the comm-“ I start to say before I get interrupted by her listing off various derogatory names to call me. I had to give her credit; She was decently creative with them. My favorite had to be crolf, since I had never heard that one before.
“Hey Tank, get your tan ass over here!” The girl yelled, causing one of the bulkiest wolf Tengu I had ever seen walked over to the two of us, carrying some sort of pack on his back. Now, I was never short, but this Tengu made me feel like I was tiny.
From the change in air tension, I wasn’t sure if I should dive behind a table or gets behind ‘Tank’.
Thankfully, his look softened as he sighed and took the scroll from her. “Will you stop hazing the new blood Ria? If you keep him from the boss any longer, he’ll break out the soy sauce and pickle jars again.”
“Aw come on, I was just trying to think of what to call him. Not every day you see a wolf with hair blacker than Scout’s wings.” She laughed, trying to hid a small pinch of something her voice. Fear maybe? “I was thinking of calling him Snowball.” She laughed again, louder this time. Funny, I didn’t know they let hyenas into the wolf guard.
“Mix.” Tank said after a moment of consideration. Ria looked like he just smashed a watermelon before she could, then stomped off and grumbled something I couldn’t hear. “Now that she’s off your back…” He grunted, putting the pack down on the table behind him.
“Boss wanted you to pick a weapon before tonight’s mission. I’ll take this to him.” He said, shaking the scroll and walking off. “Come find me once you pick something."
Looking inside the pack, there were three sets of equipment. Seemed I could pick any one I wanted, so I picked...
[ ] Heavy Set (Long spear with a arm guard and 2x daggers)
[ ] Medium set (Falchion with a Nodachi and a Kite Shield)
[ ] Light set (Falchion with a Arquebus and a Buckler shield.)
2015/02/04 (Wed) 07:08
SUP NIGGA, I AM GUESSING THIS IS YOUR FIRST TIME DOIN' SOME ACTUAL WRITING BECAUSE THIS SHIT IS WACK, YO
LET ME BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU SPECIFICALLY AND WHY WHAT YOU DID SUCKS
>There are many ways to spend a sunny afternoon in a Tengu base.
Tengu is a species. Not a proper noun. You would not capitalize it.
>take a nap in the sun or a shady tree.
Napping inside a tree is probably not your intention. Perhaps use "the shade of a tree."
>“So… What in the world are we supposed to call you kid?” The wolf tengu in front of me said, looking through my scroll,
HERE WE GOT
REAL FUCKIN' PROBLEMS
First of all, read your dialogue to yourself, AS IT IS WRITTEN. The flow of that one is awful. Generally, if you're going to have a character call someone else something, be it their name, a nickname, or what have you, you're going to need a comma. So what you actually want is "What in the world are we supposed to call you, kid?"
NEXT, and a fuckin' PROBLEM, is the transition there- specifically in this part.
>to call you kid?” The wolf tengu in front of me said,
Just because you ended a sentence in the dialogue does not mean that you ended a sentence in the actual writing. Here, since you're using a variant of "they said" to follow the line of dialogue, it's the same sentence. As such, you would not capitalize the word to follow the dialogue.
If the dialogue ends a sentence AND the next part is a sentence on its own, THEN you would capitalize, for example:
>"What are we supposed to call you, kid?" She looked through my scroll, only vaguely interested in what she was reading.
There's a clean break there. The dialogue sentence and the writing sentence both end at the same point, and as such you capitalize the next sentence. Rule of thumb: if you're following dialogue with "they said", do not capitalize.
>A crow and a wolf, would that be worow?” She asked, rolling the scroll up again and tying it shut.
Now this is a tricky one. Not because it's difficult to fix, but because I'm going to tell you one thing and then seemingly contradict it in the next sentence. What you wanted here was 'a worow', because she's talking about a species, and as such, that requires the definite article 'a' and no capitalization of 'worow'. Also, you capitalized "she asked". Don't. For reasons stated above.
>“Are you really the comm-“ I start to say before I get interrupted by her listing off various derogatory names to call me.
Flows poorly overall. Quick fix would be to put a comma between 'say' and 'before', but I still don't like it all that much. Couldn't tell you why, though.
>I had to give her credit; She was decently creative with them.
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
SEMICOLONS ARE NOT PERIODS
YOU DO NOT CAPITALIZE AFTER SEMICOLONS
>My favorite had to be crolf, since I had never heard that one before.
Here's the seemingly contradictory bit! You WOULD capitalize 'crolf' here, because that is a specific name that she is calling him, thus it is a proper noun. And you capitalize proper nouns.
>“Hey Tank, get your tan ass over here!” The girl yelled, causing one of the bulkiest wolf Tengu
Blah blah blah, don't capitalize 'she', don't capitalize 'tengu', see above for reasons.
>Now, I was never short, but this Tengu made me feel like I was tiny.
>From the change in air tension, I wasn’t sure if I should dive behind a table or gets behind ‘Tank’.
I think the error is obvious here. You want 'get behind'.
>“Will you stop hazing the new blood Ria?
Needs a comma. Incidentally, the lack of commas before names in dialogue like this really does seem to be the hallmark of the exceedingly inexperienced writer.
>“Aw come on
Now here it is more of a suggestion than a requirement to have a comma between 'aw' and 'come'. I would put one there, but it's much less required here than in the other places.
>wolf with hair blacker than Scout’s wings.” She laughed,
Now here you may think I'm about to tell you you're wrong again regarding capitalization and dialogue.
You might be right to capitalize, here, if what you intended was that she said the dialogue, and then laughed.
You would be wrong to capitalize here, if what you intended is that she laughed throughout the delivery of the line of dialogue.
>She laughed, trying to hid a small pinch of something her voice.
You forgot your 'in' between 'something' and 'her'. Also, hid is the past tense of hide. I also don't think you screwed up your verb tenses here, just left off the e. This is an error spellcheckers will not note. This is why you want to re-read your post again for errors even if the spellcheck is good. Also, #THP generally is willing to help proofread your posts. I know I do a fuck of a lot of that.
>“Mix.” Tank said after a moment of consideration.
Dialogue never ends with a period unless it's the end of the sentence as written. Since you used a 'they said', it is not. As such, you should have written "Mix," with a comma. Commas replace periods at the end of dialogue if it's not the end of the written sentence.
Also, 'Mix' is a terrible, boring name.
> Ria looked like he just smashed a watermelon before she could, then stomped off and grumbled something I couldn’t hear.
This line just feels awkward as fuck. I don't like it, but I couldn't tell you why.
>“Now that she’s off your back…” He grunted, putting the pack down on the table behind him.
blah blah blah capitalization, unless the grunting was after the dialogue and a result of the putting down of his pack.
>“Boss wanted you to pick a weapon before tonight’s mission. I’ll take this to him.” He said, shaking the scroll and walking off.
Needs a comma at the end of dialogue instead of a period. Also, again, no capitalization of 'he'.
[ ] Heavy Set (Long spear with a arm guard and 2x daggers)
>[ ] Medium set (Falchion with a Nodachi and a Kite Shield)
>[ ] Light set (Falchion with a Arquebus and a Buckler shield.)
Several problems here! First, words that start with a vowel sound are proceeded with 'an', not 'a'. So here it would be 'an arm guard' and 'an arquebus'. Which leads me to my second problem: inconsistent capitalization. You capitalized 'shield' in one of these, and not in the other.
None of these items are proper nouns. They are the names of the items as a category, not a specific name given to the specific item. None of them should be capitalized. (This does not, however, mean that you wouldn't capitalize the first things in that list. You obviously meant the things in the parentheses to be their own sentence, and as such, the first word should be capitalized. Which you did.)
The final problem is one that's small, but will make your writing look more professional and consistent: any numbers a hundred or less should be written out. Instead of '2x daggers', you should write 'two daggers'. Round numbers larger than a hundred should also be written out, like twelve thousand, or thirteen hundred. I would actually suggest writing out all of the numbers all of the time, but sometimes with large, long-to-write-out numbers you may, occasionally, use numerals.
Actually, just don't use numerals. Ever. Write out your numbers.
2015/02/04 (Wed) 08:00
Looks like it's back to the drawing board. Thanks for the critique.
2015/02/04 (Wed) 14:32
Different anon here. Just want to say that this has the potential for an interesting storyline. It seems you've stumbled into the same problem I did when I was planning for a CYOA. Namely grammar. Luckily I had someone experienced proofread for me and set me straight before I made the same mistake you unfortunately did.
Just a simple reminder: experience comes with writing. Just because someone gave you helpful critiscm does not mean to throw in the towel and stumble and lurk around for another four months to a year. I mean, What's the point of critiscm if we know that you won't put it to good use?
Bottom line, this has potential. You just need to polish up your grammar and come back. Hire an editor, or learn how to distinguish the mistakes from common writing. I'm doing the latter.
Just some pep talk from your friendly neighborhood anon and slight newbie in writing. It's about time that THP get's some fresh blood that has the guts to write.
2015/02/04 (Wed) 16:09
Yet another anon here.
Come back to the IRC any time if you want help. All you gotta do is chuck your update in a pastebin and make your presence known, and you shouldn't have too much trouble getting some assistance. That said, I'll mirror the last anon and add that you should make friends with somebody who knows what they're doing and get you a steady editor.
Keep at it, and don't let mechanics fuck you up.
P.S. You don't
to put an e-mail in that field.
2015/02/04 (Wed) 16:18
Hi, this is yet another advice-wielding anon.
I strongly advise you to obtain a proofreader, as others already have. Beyond that, I advise you to go read some books by such fine gentlemen as Glenn Cook, William Gibson, Neal Stephenson, Terry Pratchett, and Philip K Dick (rest in peace). Exposure to different styles helps you figure out what you want in your own.
2015/02/04 (Wed) 18:10
You guys are acting like I' going to vanish.
I got knocked down, But hell if I'm staying down. This story may not continue, but It doesn't mean I'm finished here.
2017/01/22 (Sun) 12:31
Its moments like this that remind me why i love this place; you'd *never* see or get this kind of critique in some place like spacebattles (unless they were piling onto a poster already considered an 'outgroup' or low status by the rest of the herd).
2017/01/22 (Sun) 17:35
spacebattles is cancer that's killing THP
2017/01/22 (Sun) 20:14
Don't forget to sage, you're a turbonerd, necrofags, etc.
2017/01/22 (Sun) 23:40
Yeah fuck you too faggot
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