Good day, my friends and anons. I return once more with the next thread of this story.
Though defeated by Sanae, George successfully found Ms. Diana. Glad that his secretary is once again safe, George returns back to the Hakurei Shrine, with a captured tengu reporter in tow. After a quick interview, George lets Aya go, on the condition that she ensures that the next issue of the Bunbunmaru is first examined by George to ensure nothing damaging on George's reputation.
After taking a nap from a long day, George was interrupted by the Oni Yuugi Hoshiguma, who had come to the shrine to challenge George to a duel after all the things she heard about George from her fellow Oni, Suika Ibuki. Despite accepting the challenge, Georges decides to do it tomorrow. But before he could again sleep, he is again interrupted by Reimu, who orders George to fix the hole in her shrine.
Though only attempting to fine humor in the situation and later saying he'll fix the problem tomorrow, Reimu becomes furious and kicks George out of the shrine, leaving him without a place to stay. Thankfully, his fellow Oni companion, Suika, told George that he could go with her to Bhavra-Agra. After a long flight to the sacred place, George again finds himself in a situation of relative ease.
But what of this relative ease? Will it last? Or is there something George must attend to, the problems of the past that must finally be answered?
We shall see... in the next thread of...
On the Business End
So, here again are the choices from my last update: >>128646
[X] “Why don’t we go looking around? This place looks pretty nice.”
[X] “Let’s wait for everyone else to wake up, I have to duel Yuugi to something, anyway.”
-[X] A game of… [Write-in]
[X] “Ms. Diana, I… I… have a problem to fix and it’s about high time I fixed it.”
-[X] “I… I have to go to the Scarlet Devil Mansion.”
-[X] “I… I have to go to the Human Village.”
And here are two votes that have been previous made in the last thread to track so far the current votes.
[X] “Let’s wait for everyone else to wake up, I have to duel Yuugi to something, anyway.”
Let's try to deal with the closest problem first, then work our way back to the village/the shrine in order to make up with Keine and Reimu.
We're in a giant mess because we kept skipping out on the problem at hand and ran into more problems before we could get back to it.
Deal with things one at the time.
Starting with the one that is right here, right now.
As for the challenge, I can't think of anything.
[X] “Ms. Diana, I… I… have a problem to fix and it’s about high time I fixed it.”
-[x] I... I... I can't seem to speak with stuttering... I dunno why...
[X] “Why don’t we go looking around? This place looks pretty nice.”
>>128809 I said "work our way back to", not "then go to the village".
Going to the SDM is also on the to do-list, even if we probably can't do much for her.
Still, we deal with things one at the time now and get shit done. Not run back and forth without really fixing anything.
That's why Reimu kicked him out of the shrine; from her point of view Hale promised to fix the shrine and then just ran off.
>>129016 Yeah, that's the problem with strength. Technique can help, up to a point, but in the end.. Well, if your opponent is stronger, she's stronger.
Endurance is usually a factor in tests of strength too, but I don't think he can win at that either.
And I'd say thumb wars isn't so much about strength as it is about manual speed and dexterity.
But then again, that's probably his chance of winning. Like >>129021 is suggesting, Hale needs to come up with a challenge that isn't actually mainly about strength but still requires great strength to hide that fact.
Something that looks like a contest of strength while the actual win condition is something else.
>>129029 Bad idea.
Either she throws further and it is obvious that she wins, making it all pointless. Or you need a judge who knows physics, to calculate whether or not it takes more power to throw a light shot 50 yards or a heavy shot 25 yards.
Leaves too much room for arguments.
[X] “Ms. Diana, I… I… have a problem to fix and it’s about high time I fixed it.”
-[X] “But, I have to attend to my current problems… I guess I have to challenge Yuugi.”
You see Ms. Diana starting to look worried, tugging on your sleeve a bit.
“But Mister Hale, Yuugi’s an Oni! There’s no way you can beat her in a challenge! She’ll beat you to a pulp!”
You give Ms. Diana a grin. “Heh, don’t you have any faith in me? Besides, I know Yuugi’s pretty strong. But of course, there’s more to a challenge than just strength of course.” Standing up, you start scanning the landscape.
“What are you looking for, Mister Hale?”
“I’m looking for a pair of trees, a pair of good trees to help me out for this idea I have.”
“Trees? But trees are important! What if a fairy lives in it? You’ll be taking away their home!”
Fairies live in trees? Now that’s something new. Hopefully that tree you punched didn’t house a fairy. “Well, if a Fairy lives there, then I’m going to find a new tree. But if there isn’t, the tree’s going down.” Cracking your knuckles, you see a suitable tree several yards away. Breaking out into a run, you make your way to the tree, Ms. Diana trying to keep up behind you.
“Please, Mister Hale, check the tree before you do anything to it!” Ms. Diana must really be worried about if the tree had anyone inhabiting it.
“Fine, fine…” Walking up to the tree, you begin knocking on it. “HELLO? FAIRY! FAIRY! LITTLE FAIY! COME OUT, FAIRY! I HAVE A NICE SNACK FOR YOU!” After no response, you turn to Ms. Diana. “Sounds like its empty. Now… time to get to work!” Without waiting any longer, you punch the tree.
And hurt your knuckles.
“Ow, ow ow ow!” You start shaking your hand, blowing on it, a bit shocked that the tree didn’t explode.
“Mister Hale, why did you do that? I thought humans would usually use an axe to cut down a tree.” Ms. Diana flew up to your hand and began examining it, seeing if you did anything serious to it. As you let Ms. Diana tend to your hand, you look at the tree again. Something wasn’t right. Maybe that tree from earlier was a much weaker tree. No, it couldn’t be, the wood was sturdy and strong. Maybe you lost some of your strength? No, that can’t be it either; you have been feeling stronger than ever. Then what could it be…
“Wait a second…” You walk up to the tree and place your ear up to it. Something was different about this tree. You tap it a few times, a look of surprise coming across your face.
“Mister Hale? What’s wrong? Is there something wrong with the tree?”
“Get behind, Ms. Diana.”
“I said get behind me, now!” You push Ms. Diana behind you, making sure she wouldn’t get hurt and then you pull back your arm, feeling your fist tighten up with excitement. Letting out a loud war cry, you thrust your fist forward, aiming directly at the center of the tree.
“Yuugi!” you repeat, smiling widely, watching the Oni slowly wake up. Seeing her sit up, you see a look of surprise on her face, making you grin a lot wider.
“George, what the hell happened to you? Why are you covered in wood splinters?” Yuugi then began looking at what were at your feet. “What’s with the poles?”
“These poles? They’re for the challenge.” You chuckle. “You aren’t backing out, now are you?”
“Oh, so you’re actually going to challenge me? I was worried you were going to run off when I took my eyes off you. So, what challenge are you going to lose at?”
“Lose, Miss Yoshiguma? Ha, I don’t plan on losing, but I’m certain you’ll love this challenge.”
“So, what’s the challenge, George? Are we going to try to hit each other with these poles?”
“Hit each other with these poles? How barbaric! What we’re doing is something more… noble, something more honorable!”
“Oh, what would that be then, George?”
“What we are doing is the great Scottish sport of…
[X] Caber Tossing!”
You then see Suika wake up as well, yawning loudly as she stood up and began looking at Yuugi and you. “Hey, Mister! So, you’re challenging Yuugi now? Good for you!” You saw her take a quick sip from her gourd. “So, then Mister, what are the rules of this game of yours?”
“Well it’s easy! You grab the end of one of these poles and flip it over, making sure the pole at least rotates once. The one who wins is the one who can make the pole fall down in front of them closet to straight.”
Yuugi then began laughing. “So, we just throw these sticks in the air and try to see if they fall down straight in front of us? It’s almost as if you’re asking me to beat you, but if that’s the best you can think of it, then fine. The Oni are gonna love you, you know that?”
“Yeah… So, let’s find a clear spot for us to flip these poles, okay?” Taking one of the poles, you begin dragging it along, Yuugi grabbing the other pole and carrying it around, almost unaffected by the weight of the thing. Though you too could probably lift the pole around, you really didn’t want to do it.
Finding a clearing, you began noticing that your companions were not the only people who were watching, but a few more people began to appear. They’re probably the residents of this place who are interested on what’s happening. Soon a small crowd was watching from the distance on top of a small hill.
Turning to Yuugi, you smile. “Well then, Miss Yoshiguma, remember, you need to stand still when you flip the pole over, so that we can see how it lands, whether it lands straight down in front of you or if it is a bit crooked. Now don’t worry, you can take your time if you’re feeling a bit tense.”
However, Yuugi began grinning as she picked up the pole. “You really want to lose, don’t you? Well, don’t come crying to me when this is over!” And with that, she gave out a yell and flipped the pole into the sky, the pole spinning rapidly, going higher and higher into the sky. Oh goodness, at least she’s using her strength on the pole, and not on you. For a second, the pole disappeared from sight, causing you to squint to locate it again, but it soon began to descend quickly still spinning rapidly, before embedding itself into the ground.
“Oh…” Turning to Ms. Diana, you point towards the pole. “Ms. Diana… may you check to see how straight the pole is in comparison to Miss Yoshiguma?”
“Me? Well… okay…” Ms. Diana then scurried over to the pole, looking at it and then back at Yuugi before flying back. “The pole is a bit crooked, but it is nearly straight.”
You turn to Yuugi, seeing her grin and laughing a bit, looking very confident that she was going to win. “George, starting to think this was a bad idea?” You could see her looking very smug. “You know, I’m kind, so if you want, I’ll let you think of a different challenge, or you can continue on and lose.”
“Well, Miss Yoshiguma, that’s a nice offer…”
[X] “But I must respectfully refuse!” Time to flip that pole!
[X] “I’ll… take you up on it!”
-[X] New game [Write-in]
Well, shall we chicken out and try something else? Or will we brave it? And to say how crooked the pole is, it's top is pointing in a way towards 11 o'clock in comparison to Yuugi.
Well, I hope that didn't intimidate you! Happy voting!
“Thanks for the offer, Yuugi, [X] but I must respectfully refuse!”
You then begin looking at the pole which you had fashioned out of the tree. Looking at it closely, you could remember long ago during your childhood when your father brought you to Scotland for one of his business trips. The highland games were currently on and your father took you to one. It was there that you recalled first seeing caber tossing.
Father! Look at them; they’re tossing such large poles into the sky! How can they decide the winner?
The winner is decided through precision, George. They see which pole lands the straightest and declare that person the winner.
But, wouldn’t the strongest person win? They would have an easier time lifting the pole, wouldn’t they?
Not exactly, George. Strength alone won’t let you win. Heh, if you think about it, it’s like life. There’s more ways in getting through life than through strength. You have to be precise, deliberate, and smart. Even the strongest person can be beaten with a bit of precision.
“Yes indeed, father… yes indeed…” You smile and turn to Yuugi.
“Well? I’m waiting. Throw the pole and lose already, I don’t want to wait all day!” Her voice was arrogant, Yuugi probably thinking that she was definitely going to win.
“Guess I shouldn’t keep a lady waiting!” Picking up one end of the pole, you slowly lift it up until it was pointing into the sky, resting it a bit on your shoulder. Breathing heavily, you look out into the field, and begin taking your steps. Walking slowly at first, you then break into a full run, keeping the pole steady. Then, after running a few feet, you let the pole slowly tilt over, the pole falling further and further. With your arms gripped tightly at the base, you raise your arms up and yelling loudly, you lift the end with all your might, the pole soaring through the air, turning slowly.
The pole then landed on the top end, and for a second seemed to stand still, the crowd that had gathered was completely silent.
“Come on… come on… fall over… fall over!” Watching the pole, you could see that it was trembling to stay up but soon it began to fall down, slowly then picking up speed, before crashing into the ground, causing the ground to shake a bit.
You turn to your secretary. “Ms. Diana. Check it.” Nodding, Ms. Diana flew towards the pole, the crowd still silent. You could hear your heart beating, your mind racing, wondering what Ms. Diana would say, whether it was straight or if it was not.
“Come on… Come on…”
Ms. Diana made it to the pole, looking at it and then looking at you, before flying back towards you.
“So, George, ready to come with me to the Ancient City?” You almost leapt out of position, realizing that Yuugi had walked up behind you, the Oni grinning.
“Not just yet, Miss Yoshiguma, Ms. Diana still has to say the results. And here she is right now.”
Ms. Diana landed next to you, a bit out of breath. “Mi- Mi- Mi- Mister Hale! The Pole. It- it- it-”
“Yes, Ms. Diana? What is it? The pole is?”
“It’s- It’s- It’s-”
“Yes? Out with it, Ms. Diana!”
Straight. It’s straight.
Time seem to stand still for a moment as your brain registered Ms. Diana’s words. The pole was straight, it was bloody straight! You start to laugh, looking at Yuugi and shaking her a bit.
“It’s straight, Yuugi! It’s straight!” You then look towards the crowd, waving out to them. “It’s straight! It’s a perfect toss!”
The crowd did not respond.
“Right…” Looking out to the crowd again, you raise your voice. “That means I win!”
The moment you mention winning, the distant crowd seem to burst into cheers, throwing flowers, throwing their hats, all cheering you on.
Yuugi, however, was looking a bit angry. She grabbed you by the shoulders and turned you to face her. “You cheated! There’s no way you could have beaten me!” She was starting to squeeze your shoulders tightly, causing a bit of pain.
“Miss Yoshiguma, please, please! I don’t cheat!”
“Yes you did! What did you do, was your pole lighter? It must have been, it must have been! There’s no way humans can beat Oni in a fair challenge!”
“Hey, Yuugi, let George go!” Suika’s voice caused Yuugi to stop applying pressure on your shoulders, Yuugi turning to look at her fellow Oni, who was also looking angry. “George would never cheat!”
“Then how could you explain the pole flip? The pole only flipped once!”
“Exactly! It only needs to flip once! Now let George go and tell him you’re sorry, Yuugi! An Oni should accept defeat, not threaten to hurt someone if they lose!”
You could see Yuugi giving Suika a hostile look, but after a few seconds, Yuugi let out a short sigh and let you go.
“Alright… George, I’m sorry for accusing you for being a cheater. Guess it’s been a while since I lost a challenge.” Yuugi was trying to avoid looking at you, though you could tell she was a bit glum.
“It’s alright, Miss Yoshiguma, I understand completely.”
“I guess you won’t want to duel me again, huh?”
“Of course not, Miss Yoshiguma! I would enjoy having another chance to duel you to something! I would just like to ask you that the next time we duel… no bets, okay?”
“Really, George, you really mean it?”
“Of course, Miss Yoshiguma! If I really didn’t want to duel you, I’d… well, would have run off. Just remember, no betting. I don’t have anything to bet anyway.”
“You know what, George; you are an okay guy after all!” Yuugi then gave you a pat on the shoulder.
Smiling, you then felt a small shockwave, turning to see that a young woman on top of a rock appeared, and was talking to Suika. By the looks of it, the young woman seemed angry at Suika. Walking next to Suika, you decided to peak in on the conversation.
“… Suika, what’s with all these people? I leased you land to Bhava-Agra and now you’re bringing people to break out trees?” Well, whoever this young woman is, she owns the land. Maybe you could buy some from here, all these trees look like a good source to make houses with.
“Ah, Tenshi, come on, it’s not that bad! Besides, you celestials could use some excitement! Wasn’t that game fun to watch?” Suika then noticed you and pushed you forward. “Hey, here he is! Come on, introduce yourself, George!”
Looking at Tenshi, you tipped your hat. “Hello there, Miss Tenshi, my name is George Hale. I must say, this is quite a lovely place.”
“Yes, yes, it’s a nice place, but how long are you planning to stay here?”
As you were thinking about that, you noticed that in her hat were two… two… two…
[X] “Actually, I’m planning to leave n- n- n- n- NO! AH! NO! THE PEACH ASSASLIANT! THE ASSASLIANT HAS COME TO SHOVE A PEACH DOWN MY WINDPIPE! AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
[X] “Well… I was thinking about staying for a day o- o- o- OH BUGGER ME, THE PEACH ASSASSIN! NO! NO! NO! NO! LET ME GO! I DON’T WANT TO DIE BY PEACH-ASSISTED HOMICIDE!”
[X] Scream at Tenshi and Faint.
[X] Use the Crocodile!I’m such a Monty Python nerd.
The dice roll was kind this time! The dice decided to let George win! Yay.
Thank goodness George didn't get his knife set from the car. I have a bad feeling that George would not hesitate to use it.
[X] “Well, Miss Tenshi, I was thinking about staying a da- Oh no… No, NO! The Peach Assassin, she’s come to murder me!”
Tilting her head, Tenshi stared at you, confused by your sudden outburst. Her mouth was moving, but not a single word came out.
Without thinking, you reach out for Tenshi’s hat, swiping it off her head and running off a few feet away. Then, in a single-motion, you tear the peaches out of the hat, ripping apart some of the fabric as well and begin gorging yourself on the peach.
Dazed by your outburst, Tenshi reacted seconds later, her mind registering that you had stolen her hat. Hopping off her rock, she started to walk up to you, waving her finger at you. “Hey, what are you doing to my hat?”
Turning to Tenshi, she saw bits of peach flesh in your mouth, with peach juice dripping on to her hat. With the other peach, you hold it out in front of you, shaking it as menacingly as you can. “Stay back! I have your peach, assassin! You are disarmed! You cannot harm me at all!”
Suika walked next to Tenshi, trying to get closer to you to take back the hat. “Calm down, Mister, Tenshi doesn’t mean to harm you, now put the hat and peach down…”
You then point the peach at Suika, “Oh, that’s it huh? You were conspiring against me from the beginning, huh? You were conspiring to get me killed, weren’t you?” You point the peach back at Tenshi. “You were called… by my enemies to do me in! Even here when I’m so far away from my enemies they still try to eliminate me!”
Suika began motioning to you to put the peach down, trying to move in closer. “Calm down, Mister, I’m not trying to hurt you at all.” However, you again point the peach at Suika.
“I knew it, I knew it! You’re trying to murder me too! You’re all trying to do me in!” Slowly walking backward, you clutch the peach tightly, your finger nails biting into the skin. “Don’t step any closer, I know how to use this thing!”
You then bumped into something, stopping your retreat. Glancing behind you, you saw who was standing in your way. “Y-Y-Yuugi! You’re with them as well?! I can’t trust anyone any more, huh? I just can’t! I j-”
“Shut up and calm down already, George!” Yuugi then swung her fist, striking you directly in the face. Feeling your neck twist, you spit out the rest of the peach still in your mouth. Falling to the ground, you felt your cheek was searing in pain.
However, instead of jumping back up and trying to attack, you instead decided to just lie there, breathing slowly, letting your cheek swell up.
“Mss Hogisheema?” You don’t even bother to turn your head.
“Um… yes George?”
“Lank yoo… I eeded at…” You then close your eyes.
“Huh, Diana, is that you?” Stirring awake, you groan, feeling something cold on your cheek. You turn over, trying to get more comfortable.
“Mister Hale, please, can you hold still for a bit?” You feel the coldness return to your cheek. Though you felt half your face was completely numb, at least the pain wasn’t as bad.
“So, Mister, you’re finally awake?” You slowly raise your head, Ms. Diana floating up to keep the ice bag on your swollen cheek. “Seriously, Mister, what happened back there? You were yelling like a lunatic.”
“Huh? Oh… rriht.” You groan again, looking down to see that your coat was missing. “Sooka… weer is mm coot?”
“I can’t understand what you’re saying, Mister, could you try saying it again but a bit slower?”
“I sood… weer is mm coot?” You sigh, seeing that your swollen cheek made it hard to say anything. “Wootver, Dnana, ill tak th ic.” Holding on to the icebag, you wave Ms. Diana away, your secretary flying down to Suika. “Wrr Yogi?”
“Yuugi? She went to challenge Tenshi to a bit of a caber tossing while you were knocked out.”
“Rrlly? Hww long wss I oot?” You shake your head, your cheek throbbing a bit.
“Oh, just for a while.”
“Hww long is a wile, Sooka? Tat is noo exooly prrccss.”
“Well… several hours… it’s actually starting to get dark.”
Sitting up, you look up at the sky. Oh man, it is getting dark. Gah, where’s your coat? Heck, where are your hats and monocle? With the light fading, your frantic searching was particularly useless.
“Mm coot, my coot! Whhr is mm coot?” You resort to feeling the ground as you start becoming more and more distressed with each passing moment.
“Mister, are you talking about your coat?”
“Yss mm coot! Mm coot is lsst! I nnd mm coot nww!” Dropping the icebag, you continue your frantic search, letting out a short shout of frustration. “Mm coot is immprnt! I nnd mm coot! I nnd it nww!”
“Hey Suika, I’m back! And George, you’re awake! Feeling better?”
Though you heard Yuugi, you continue frantically searching, searching desperately for your coat. Not only did you leave your father’s pocket watch there, but you even left the australium bar in it.
“George? Hey, Fairy, what’s wrong with him?”
“Oh, me? Um, Mister Hale was looking for his… coot?”
“Coot? What’s a coot?”
“Mm coot! Mm coot! Thh tnng I wwrr! Mm coot!”
“Hrmm… Oh, coat! Yeah, I took that off you, seeing that you’d probably sleep better without it. A quick question, how do you manage to stuff a metal bar in your coat?”
You stop searching and turn to Yuugi, your eye twitching a bit. “Wwht ddd yyu ssy aboot a brr?”
“Oh, that… bar right? Yeah, that was a shiny bar.”
“Wwrr is it?”
“The bar or the coat?”
“BOOT!” You grab on to Yuugi’s arm and give her a firm shake. “Wwrr thh fffk arr thhy!” You continue shaking her, but Yuugi quickly grabbed your arm, making you stop. You really didn’t want to get hurt again.
“I have the coat here, George, but the bar… eh… I kind of lost it.”
“Yyu whht! Hww coold yoo! Mahhhrhhh!” You scream out again, grasping your head. You then felt Yuugi grab you by the collar and lift you up.
“Hey, George. I told you, stop screaming.” You stop, and give Yuugi a slow nod. She then smiles and unhands you, tossing you your coat. Though you were sad you no longer had your australium bar, after a quick check, you still have your pocket watch and other items. The same couldn’t be said for your monocle and hats. Oh well, you’re going to have to find those things later. Right now is time to get going.
Putting your coat back on, you straighten yourself up and look at your companions. “Wrrr gnnng nww! Ww havv a vammpirr to sse.”
Ms. Diana grabbed your arm, looking worried at you. “But Mister Hale, you’re still recovering, shouldn’t you wait for a bit?”
“Wwit? Off coorse nnt! I hvve nvvnr benn so cleer in mm liff! Nww Sooka, givv mm a litt!”
Suika then tilted her head in confusion again. “A ‘litt’, Mister? Could you repeat that a little slower, please?”
Groaning a bit, you start flapping your arms. “Fyy, fyy! Fyy mm to Scccalt Dvvil Mnnsion! Hop to it!”
Suika gave you a quick smile, flashing her teeth a bit. This made you uncomfortable, especially when she flew up and grabbed you by the collar and started dragging you through the air.
“Ahh! Pot mm donn! Pot mm donn! I dddnt akk frr thhs!”
“Come on, Mister, if you want to climb up, just climb up!”
“Jsst donn drpp mm!” You grabbed on to Suika’s arm, holding on for dear life as she flew down through the clouds again, leaving behind Bhava-Agra.
This is just the first part of the update. The second part will come in later.
Also, I want to ask, what are the flaws in my story? I want to know from the readers in this thread what is flawed so that I can improve.
>>129568 To me at the least it seems like some of the options may be a bit off.
With the recent one especially, I don't really know why George would have that reaction to Tenshi, and there didn't really seem to be an option that said "Don't flip the fuck out at Tenshi" which I would have chosen.
Further still, the vote by quote here didn't really give us a very good idea of what it was George would actually be doing.
Part of me feels that I should just reset the whole damn thing already, start fresh, have an actual plot already made instead of doing things by the fly, MAKE THE PROTAGONIST NOT HAVE THE LAST NAME HALE!
Gosh dang it, I've dug myself into a hole and I've gotten myself to the point where I feel that just getting out of the hole to work on something else may just be what I need to do. Though... what elements should stay and what elements should go... mhmmm...
>>129574 Part of growing is not stopping beforehand. Seeing things through that you started. You should try to finish the story at least. Ask the people.
Like Teruyo always said, it is a two way street writer and reader communicate so that you can get a good Story. Or something like that. Get your Reader to explain why they choose this option and where they want to go with that.
[X] Kill the story and start something new, something different.
I was afraid when MC became Hale.
But right now, you can't change the story without killing it completly. Keep the same mood, and finish it. If you change the story right now, I think you'll lose your old readers, but you won't gain new ones.
Just an idea is not enough to write a story, you also need skill. You gain skill with experience, but the idea... well, you lacked a decent idea.
Just wandering around was acceptable at the beginning of THP, but now, it's unacceptable.
Get the plot BEFORE writing the story. That's my advice.
[x] Experiment with something new
You shouldn't even need to make this question, If you feel like you should star over do so. Experiment! Get more experience! Leave the story in a cliffhanger so you can come back at it in a year and laugh at how good you´ve become!
[x] Kill the story and start something new, something different.
It can still be about a businessman, but like, an actual businessman. You can even keep the fairy secretary. Or just do something totally different.
But yeah, this story is bad and you're all bad for liking it. Go back to fanfiction.net if you want more of this, seriously.
Nice try but no. Bad is a subjective term. This story lacks self-insertion and crossovers, so it doesn't break any unwritten rules either.
So, don't talk like you speak for everyone. I've been here long enough to know that, while this CYOA is lackluster, is isn't that terrible.
On another note, I don't know why I'm being so down-to-earth and polite. You're a self-centered prick and half of all that's bad with the site. I don't give a shit about the guy you were talking to, but don't disqualify like that a story that had potential and a writer that still has.
>>129941 >So, don't talk like you speak for everyone.
Look up, the votes speak for themselves. People expect better than this, they're explicitly asking for something better, and Twitty wants to write something better.
>Bad is a subjective term.
>it doesn't break any unwritten rules
The "unwritten rules" are just guidelines on what the community finds acceptable. The community doesn't accept this story. Yes it's subjective, it's a judgement call, and we're making it. That's how we do things here.
>I've been here long enough to know that, while this CYOA is lackluster, is isn't that terrible.
Old school, huh. Alright, how many old stories that were worse than this made it past the first thread? Saguya's story? Most stories of this quality used to die quickly from lack of interest, but we seem to be taking on more readers with low expectations. Do you disagree?
The situation has grown more stressful with each passing moment as you clung on to Suika’s arm. To have lost that bar of australium, especially after defeating Yuugi at caber tossing, made you feel increasingly paranoid. You even noticed several fairies from Diana’s fairy posse missing. Some of the fairies must have left you for something else.
Looking into the distance, you could see the mansion, the mansion visible as a red speck surrounded by the forest. As Suika flew closer, you felt as if someone, or something, was watching you. You thought at first it might have been Yuugi or Diana that were looking at you, but with a quick glance, you saw they were too focused with flying. It was probably nothing anyway, just your mind playing tricks on you. You had to focus; you couldn’t keep yourself in a state of worry.
Breathing slowly, you keep your eyes focused on the mansion, setting your mind to your plan. It would have to do for now. You’ve already messed up quite a bit; you can’t afford to let these problems fester any longer. But in all honesty, can you really fix them? Every time you did something, bad things seemed to happen. Heck, half of the time, your unbridled strength has given you more problems than success. Maybe it would be better just to let it all go, to stop, and let it all heal.
Shaking your head, you let your eyes follow the path leading to the mansion, reminiscing how you were here a few days earlier. Oh, how time flies when you’re screwing around. Sighing, you tug on Suika’s arming, telling her to start descending. Returning to the ground, you let go of Suika’s arm.
Something’s not right. You were expecting to be met by the gate guard, Meiling was it? However, the gate was completely unattended. What made matters worse was that the gate was slightly open, as if someone had forgotten to close it… or it was deliberately made that way to invite people in?
Everything was wrong, everything felt really wrong. Though didn’t want to, something was calling you to go in, and to go in alone. You turn to your companions, feeling as if this would be the last time you would see them. But why? You couldn’t wait for someone to answer that question, you had to go. Turning away, you walk through the gate, following the path towards the mansion. Behind you, the gates closed shut. Diana, wanting to follow you, tried to go through the gate but was repelled by some strange force. Part of you wanted to turn back, wanted to return to Diana, wanted to run away from this place. But no, you had set yourself to this, and you wanted to find out exactly what was going on.
Walking down the path, you noticed that the grass was less clean than last you had seen it, the hedges in the first stage of overgrowth. Even the flowers seemed less sturdy than before, some of the flowers starting to wilt. Reaching the doors of the mansion, you were beginning to worry why no one had come to greet you yet. Even if it wasn’t Meiling, you were still thinking maybe a fairy maid would greet you, if not at the gate, at least at the mansion doors.
Knocking on the doors once, the doors slowly began open, until they had swung out of your way. Standing there, you peer into the mansion, the light penetrating only a few feet before being engulfed by the darkness inside. Carefully walking inside, you take a few steps into the interior, walking away from the light and into the darkness inside. As soon as you stepped out of the light, the doors behind you slammed shut, leaving you surrounded in endless darkness. Running back towards the door, you feel out for the door knob, but to misfortune, the door seemed to have disappeared.
You were starting to worry when you heard a familiar voice ring through the darkness. “Mister Hale, I hope you don’t mind the current surroundings, but I feel it would be the best place for us to have a little… chat.” Turning towards the voice, you saw a blond woman appear, walking out of the darkness, holding a parasol and small white fan.
Yukari gave you a coy smile before hiding most of her face behind her fan. “Mister Hale, I cannot believe what you have done since I brought you here to Gensokyo. Tell me, what made you think it was a good idea to put the head maid of the Scarlet Devil Mansion in a coma?”
So you did put her in a coma. You shake your head, starting to feel a bit angry. “I didn’t know I put her in a coma! I wasn’t myself during that time!”
“Were you also not yourself when you went wrecking up the Human Village?”
“And what about the Hakurei Shrine? Reimu told me that she kicked you out of the shrine because of the damages you did there.”
“Hey, that wasn’t my fault, Miss Yoshiguma actually caus-”
“Excuses, excuses, Mister Hale. I knew I should have kept a closer eye on you after I left you to your own devices. Maybe then I could have tamed you better. But no, it appears you have gone and caused quite a bit of trouble, quite a bit more trouble than you’re worth.”
Tame? What is she talking about? I thought she brought you here because she saved you from the crash. “Why are you telling me this? Where’s Remilia? Where is Meiling? Where is Sakuya?”
Yukari let out a small chuckle, almost mocking you. “Don’t worry, they’re fine, they just went and visited a doctor. You must have done quite some damage to Sakuya if Remilia had to take her to Eientei.”
“Well at least let me visit her, at least let me personally say I’m sorry, to find some way to make it up to her! Please, I have to do something for her!”
“You won’t be doing anything else in Gensokyo, Mister Hale!” Yukari’s voice was sounding more monstrous than before, Yukari staring at you with an extremely powerful presence, one that was less friendly but one that was almost hostile. “I’ve decided that you’ve become more of a threat to Gensokyo than a benefit, and I have decided to fix this problem now before waiting for you to do something irreversible.”
Then, almost as if on cue, parts of the darkness began to form, forming into a myriad of eyes, all of them staring at you. You began to breathe faster, the eyes looking at you with complete hostility. You stare at Yukari, seeing her smile starting to become wider.
You hold out your hands, completely horrified at what was happening. “Yukari, please, I can change my ways, I’ll be a different man, I promise I won’t cause any more damage in Gensokyo!”
“No, I think you’ve had enough fun screwing around in Gensokyo. Besides, don’t you have a business to run back in England?”
“Yes, but that’s boring! I’ve never felt so alive before! Please, I don’t want to go back! What about Suika, what about Yuyuko? What about Diana?”
“I’ll make them forget about you. I’ll make all of Gensokyo forget about you so that it can recover from the damages you’ve done here.” Yukari then appears in front of you, grabbing your arm and looking at the corsage. “A pity, Yuyuko gave this to remind you to change your ways. It breaks my heart to realize that you didn’t change much.” Then, grabbing the corsage, she ripped it off your arm, holding it in her hand before dropping it on the floor.
“Then what about me, Yukari? What are you doing to do with me?” You gulp, “Are you going to murder me?”
“I told you, you have a business to run back in England. I’m not that cruel, Mister Hale.” Yukari then closed her eyes, grinning widely. “But I’m certain that you think this is cruel already, right, Mister Hale?”
Breathing quickly, you look down at your feet, realizing that the darkness was starting to consume you. Though you try to struggle, the darkness had a strong hold on you, sucking you down, consuming you. You look up at Yukari as you sink down, seeing her grin widely, the eyes surrounding both of you staring at you evilly as well. You scream out, trying to reach out for her, grabbing the bottom of her dress, struggling to not be taken away by the darkness.
Yukari only frowned and took her umbrella and pointed it at you. “Please, Mister Hale, this isn’t going to make it any easier.” Then, with a single swipe, Yukari struck your hand, making you lose your grip as you were consumed entirely by darkness.
“D… D… Diana? Is that you?”
“Huh?” Opening your eyes, you found yourself in bed, your butler standing next to you, holding a fresh cup of tea. “Wilton, is that you?” Sitting up, you felt your head throbbing with a dull pain.
“Mister Hale, it is good to see you awake, I was worried that something bad had happened to you.”
Rubbing your forehead, you turn to your butler, blinking a few times to get a better view of him. “Wilton… what happened? All I remember was driving for a bit and…”
“Sir, a nice woman brought you home last night, she said that she found you near the wreckage of your car, unconscious but alive. I was worried something bad had happened to you, but I am grateful that you’re well.” Your butler then took out a newspaper and pointed at the date. “I’ve taken the liberty to inform the CEO of Fontaine Industries that you won’t be able to meet him today. Though the CEO expresses some concern, he understood the situation and I was able to reschedule your meeting for next week.”
Taking the cup of tea from your butler, you take a sip of tea before returning your attention to Wilton. “Thank, Wilton. Can you also cancel my afternoon swim? I really need to take a nap…”
“Yes, sir.” Putting the newspaper under his arm, your butler walked out of your bedroom, leaving you alone as you lie back down on your bed. Closing your eyes, for a moment, you felt someone staring at you, but you shake it off as being nothing more than your mind playing tricks on you.
You had a long week ahead of you.
I realized that I've dug myself into quite a hole accepting crazy write-ins, eventually turning this from a simple businessman into some crazy story about a Saxton Hale stand-in. And to be honest, I hate it.
Don't get me wrong, I like George, but I hate Hale. I was feeling that those who were reading could only see Hale, and not George. And since I've gone so far, the only way I could do anything with this without making this go on and end up being just a chain of crazy action after crazy action was to end it now.
I'm sorry about those who were thinking I would continue this, but in all honesty, I don't know where I could go with this if I continue it. At least I decided to give this some degree of a proper conclusion, even if it wasn't what I had thought of first.
There is a woman, and she addresses Hale with familiarity and he does not recognize her, not at all, but there is a quality about her manner and her movement and it makes him want to spend a little time with her.
And so he does.
She makes a very good secretary, Hale thinks later, and then later still she smiles up at him, eyes shining with trust and delight and something he doesn't dare name, not yet--
And there is a vision beneath his eyelids of laughter and magic and whether it is the past or the future who can tell for certain? Only the gods and they are silent, but that is alright.
Hale has always crafted his future by his own hand.
I kind of lost interest in this story around thread 2, but again, about that Saxton Hale write-in, sorry about that. I don't like that write-in anymore either, and I'm the one who made it.
And don't be afraid to reject a winning write-in or choose a write-in that's not winning if you really hate or like it respectively. Not too long ago, Lion decided to pick a write-in that was losing by around ten votes, and no-one got mad at him for it. Just don't make Anon feel like they have no control.
Oh how I hate how this has ended, I really did like this story a lot. It did have some flaws like when we ripped up the village or attacked Meiling and Sakuya. But I seriously hope you do another more refined run of this again, a reboot really. I really do think it has potential and I especially liked Suika, Ms. Diana and George (when he wasn't going overboard and was acting gentlemanly. Although if you could, don't write Reimu into being such a Grade A Bitch next time. The way she was acting was just completely overboard and just made me rage considering how she was treating the others.
When you do another run (oh please do), it would be kinda funny if Yukari mentioned something of a second chance. Of course no one in the story would know except her but I think it would be a nice little nod to this run.
I honestly think you should continue this - well not this, literally, but to continue playing around with the original idea behind it.
Imagine - a very rich, eccentric businessman hears a legend about a far-off land of fantasy created so magical creatures could leave in peace without having to hide from humans. Slowly, he becomes obsessed with finding it, making no progress until the day he meets a strange girl with elfin-like features named Diana...
TwittyandStrange: your skills are good and your update speed is nothing short of amazing in this site. Please, don't let this bad experience stop you from making another CYOA. I'm confident that, with a bit of effort, a change in focus and the prohibition of write-ins, you could do a great story.
Looking forward to it.