[Return]  [Bottom[Last Update]
Posting mode: Reply
(Reply to 68623)
  • First time posting? Check out our site rules and FAQ.
  • Supported file types are: GIF, JPG, PNG, WEBM, WEBP.
  • Maximum file size allowed is 4096 KB.
  • Images greater than 200x200 pixels will be thumbnailed.
  • View catalog
Show or hide post box

Watch Thread
Hide Thread
Expand All Images
Image Source
Delete Image
Delete Post
Report Post
File 165438633012.jpg - (15.58KB, 177x275, 177px-Th09Muenzuka.jpg)
Soft winds brushed his hair as he awoke, he winced as he opened his eyes, shielding them with his armored hand. Looking around he found himself to be supported by a tree in a field of odd red flowers, quite a change from the Badlands. Though, how he ended up here, he really didn’t know, the last thing he could remember was the damn cyborg stabbing him through his gut. Patting himself down, he found that all of his wounds were healed, even the wear of his Exo-Suit was repaired, the man sighed, shaking his head he decided that he was not going to question why God deigned him worthy of being saved

Standing up, the man took a look around, seems as if there were more of the red flowers all around him, hills upon hills of red flowers, the air thick with their spores of sweet nectar. Though that was not what caught his attention, all around him were cobblestone paths stretching from the tree all the way beyond what he could see, snaking around the hills until out of sight.
Smiling, the man simply shrugged, if he was still alive and kicking, then he wouldn’t question why someone built these cobblestone paths in the middle of nowhere.

He expected the stone to either crumble or chip beneath his weight, he was pleasantly surprised when they simply held him up, whatever those stones are, they certainly are made from the tough stuff. He had to stop a few times, the air in this place was thick with the sweet smell of the nectar that the flowers secreted, with his head swimming he had no other choice but to wait until the nausea went away, if the vertigo wasn’t the enough, his limbs were getting heavier and heavier to move. Despite all of this he finally managed to get up the hill.

And what lay beyond stole the rotted stale air from his throat.

Gargantuan cherry blossoms now occupied the landscape, their petals slowly falling through the air in a way that spoke of peace and finality, the red flowers from before were now fully bloomed, showing their purple innards to whatever unfortunate soul wanted to gaze within.

An unexplainable feeling of sadness washed upon him, as though something of great value was lost, grabbing one of the petals that the cherry blossoms were shedding for a better look. It was odd, he had never seen a purple cherry tree before. Much less an entire expanse of them. A frown crossed his face. Where in the name of God was he? His ruminations ended when he saw that the cobblestone path ended right here.

Looking at the setting sun, he turned to leave, this place was a dead end from the looks of it, and the horrible sweet smell of the nectar is more intense here. Just as he started to walk up the hill, he stopped, looking behind his back was a young blond girl, her form contrasted heavily with the sunset. She looked caught off guard, likely not expecting you to hear her. Although you likely wouldn’t have heard her if she decided to sneak onto you through the path, rather than the flowers. While her initial shock wore off. He decided to tease the kid a bit.

Giving her a mirthful smile he says “Mind telling me why you’re hiding in those flowers, miss?” rising to her full childish size, casting off her flowery disguise, she says brightly “I’m hunting for food, sir!” Chuckling, he decided to entertain her. “Oh, and what is it you hunt for, little one?” The blond girl smiles “humans!” He did a double-take at that “Come again?” The child oblivious to his startled confusion simply smiled and said “I am hunting for humans, sir”. A confused expression passed through her face. “Do you not know what a human is?” He rolled his eyes “Tsk, of course, I know what a human is, I’m asking you why hunt them in the first place?"

She, again, gave a bright smile to him “Because that’s what I do,” her voice starting to ring with pride “A Youkai’s job is to eat humans and that’s what I do, I eat them!”. As she goes on and on, you tune the childish tone out of your mind and focus, she hasn’t attacked you yet, so there’s still a chance that you could negotiate with her, and if that doesn’t work, you’re pretty sure you could take her on, looking to the percentage of power on the suit, it read 75%. Although you’d rather not slash a literal fucking kid to ribbons.

[] She doesn’t seem to be the sharpest tool in the shed, persuade her to let you go.
[] Prepare yourself for a confrontation, she may be just a kid, but there’s something off about her
[] Write-in

I have been reading quite a bit of fanfiction on this site for a while now, and I have some ideas that I want to write
just saying here that criticism is appreciated.
Delete Post
Report Post
[x] Play along with the make-believe
- [x] "Oh? And how do they taste?"
I mean, c'mon. Also, good luck on your story!
Delete Post
Report Post
It's written in a way that the dialogue is hard to pick apart and follow, and the tense/perspective are a mess and all over the place. I can't even be bothered reading that.

Consider picking up Strunk & White or whatever book on writing. Maybe try reading some books and learning from them too. Dunno what else to say, sorry.
Delete Post
Report Post
[x] Play along with the make-believe
- [x] "Oh? And how do they taste?"

if this is what I think it is, then this would be the most in-character for our MC.

The writing isn't the worst I've seen. But there's definitely some scuffs here and there that could use some polish. Notably your sentence structure feels a bit stiff and erratic. As well as your dialogue needing some work in terms of structure and personality. But we're only in the first post. So that can be written off for now.
Delete Post
Report Post
[x] Play along with the make-believe
- [x] "Oh? And how do they taste?"
Delete Post
Report Post
>But there's definitely some scuffs here and there that could use some polish. Notably your sentence structure feels a bit stiff and erratic

Hey, do you mind if you could specify the scuffs? since English is not my first language (Portuguese) having an example would help a ton.
Delete Post
Report Post
well, the most glaring issue would be the lines spoken by the two characters being in a single paragraph, a lot of people have difficulty with that or just find it plain annoying.

another would be your use of 'though' on the second line of the first paragraph, in english you almost never put at the start of a sentence, it's usually at the end or middle.

there are some weird word choices and bad use of commas, there are both too many of them and on wrong places. that causes the 'stiff' effect, too many pauses.

but only one thing really matters, português safado ou brasileiro?

not the guy you were talking to btw.
Delete Post
Report Post
[x] Play along with the make believe
[x] oh? And how do they taste?

He had dealt with people of her type before, of course, they weren’t literal children but they still acted with the same narrow-mindedness that this girl showed. Smiling, the man knew how to get the girl on his side.

On her part she seemed oblivious to his scheming, going on and on about the joys of hunting outsiders and how it thrilled her when she started digging into their flesh.

Resting his hands on his hip he grinned “Oh? And how do they taste like?”

Thinking for a moment the girl responded “They don’t really taste like much at all, mister”

Rolling his eyes, the man set his sight on her “Heh, so you hunt for humans you can’t even taste?” He questioned her.

She looked at him with an unnatural expression on her face “It’s not the taste mister, I hunt them because they fill me.” The child was idly gripping her hands, refusing to meet his stare.

“How so? Surely a piece of flesh from a human tastes like something.” He said as he tilted his head at her “Or maybe, there’s something I am missing here?”

The girl was now silent, her head looking to the ground as she mumbled “I don’t want to talk about it mister” shaking her head she looked at him once more “I need to find food to make the empty go away”

And there was his opportunity! “Then let me help you” he said with a placid smile on his face. “With your knowledge of the region and my skills no ‘’outsider’’ will evade you ever again.” He said with a grin.

His words had the intended effect on the child, her face lit up with the convenient truth he had told her.
“You’re right” She exclaimed brightly “With your help I’ll never feel the empty again!” Her usual erratic
happiness comforted him that he had succeeded, now to get out of this damned field.

“So, if we are going to work together mind telling me your name, kid?” He asked as he unsheathed his blade in preparation to cut through the endless field of red flowers.

“You can call me Rumia mister” The girl beamed at him “and what should I call you mister?” she asked him curiously.

“Well Rumia, you can call me”
[] Minuano
[] Samuel
[] Rodrigues
This was a fun expirience, ill admit, but sadly writing isnt for me.
This is likely the last post i will make on this tech demo of a story.
i do believe that people should try out always try out new things, and so i did
writing isnt for me, and i do apologize for wasting anon's time on this.
If you can actually write for your damn life and want to give this concept a try, go ahead mate. Because i sure cant.
Delete Post
Report Post
Where were you planning on going with the story? Just Sam finding himself in Gensokyo?
Delete Post
Report Post
Well, slight shame, but at least you were honest about it.
Delete Post
Report Post
There were several ways the story could have gone to be honest, sam not slicing up rumia was NOT what i was expecting to write.

>Where were you planning on going with the story? Just Sam finding himself in Gensokyo?

Could've gone that route to be honest, but originally, i was trying to pull the ol' MGR twist, a fairly lighthearted story, with some deep ''philosophical'' moments spaced within. And sam being a bastard, of course.

What made me stop was the unholy anxiety i feel when i try to write these things. the thoughts of judgement of the readers as i bare my work to them to read gets very irritating after a while. another thing was the very ambitious nature of this story, and i could feel i wouldnt do it justice.

Sam is a character i have a lot of respect for, and one i wouldnt do justice with my sub-par writing skills.
Delete Post
Report Post
I'll give you major respect for attempting at the very least. That's something a lot of writers suffer with before posting. As well as knowing when you are way over your head and stopping before it gets too bad.

Other thing you got to learn was how Anon has the capability to either derail or take a story down an unintended path given the ability. Which is something you can either learn to write around or make it clear you don't want to happen.

Best of luck to future endeavors.
Delete Post
Report Post
[X] Samuel
Delete Post
Report Post
So, to clarify
This story wont be receiving any more updates, refrain from bumping this thread further.

Now to answer any questions about this story that anon might've had.

The general gist of Sam getting into gensokyo was him being forgotten by basically anyone. After Raiden completed his business Ripping armstrong's fucking heart out he buried Sam along with his H.F blade.

Essentialy putting Sam's memory to rest, and with time being completely forgotten by anyone. leading to his soul ending in muenzueka, where he apears as a phisycal manifestation of real Sam, whom is dead.

Now thats how Sam would up in the land of illusion in the first place, now as to how the H.F blade would've worked in this story.

Due to the absolutly O.P nature of h.f blades (that is to cut through atomic bonds of atoms). They would still cut through atomic bonds, BUT not entirely, due to the magic holding them together.

Essentially, Sam would still be able to deal catastrophic damage to his foes, but his blade would lose the "cut through everything" aspect.

Now please, dont bump this thread, use sage if you want to comment something, /others/ is hardly a place for general discution, so lets this thread die.

And again, i am rather sorry for wasting anon's time on this.
[Return]  [Top]

- Took 0s -
Thread Watcher x
Reply toX