Anonymous 2017/10/05 (Thu) 10:23
No. 15131
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I'll give each story I am qualified to vote for a short review and touch on anything I see that could use work. That said, the NSFW stories aren't my kettle of fish, so I may or may not end up voting on that. That is, if I end up not liking either; I will most certainly read them regardless of this fact, however.
SFW
Eyes On The Road - It was enjoyable for more reasons than one; I liked the tone, and I liked the theme. You set the stage with that tense tone, which made the mysterious theme of uncertainty, fear and danger take center stage. At first I was worried it might not be enjoyable, but I was surprised to find that the long-winded sentences at the beginning were left at the door, and was soon at the end with a distinct want for more, even knowing it was no longer than it had to be.
Cirno and Daiyousei, Sitting in a Tree - Two issues: one, you should work on your usage of commas and periods. Punctuation is an important aspect of writing, and I saw a few points in which a comma was needed. As for the second, well, you simply forgot a line break; no biggie. That said, I really enjoyed the sweetness of this little story, and am glad to see Cirno treated with respect. Dense and quick to assume the meaning of words suits her far better than the blatant stupidity that other authors might give her. It's a subtle hint of the markings of a child, not the trapping of a fool, and I appreciate it quite a lot.
Prey - Good lord yes. Monster Hunter? In my Touhou? I never thought I'd see the second coming! Ohh, I want more, and I wanna just give you a nice big hug! The main errors I caught were in the end. I spied a couple of what seemed to be typos around there, though it was overall a solid story. The group had chemistry, and I could just tell that there was potential for there to be more to it. It's a tough thing, choosing just one of the three, as I loved them all. That said, you get my vote!
[X] Praying for more Prey
NSFW
Sins Of The Saigyou Ayakashi - I'll be honest, this and the other story are not ones I wanted to much read, as the tone is equally grim between the two. With that said, now that I have read it as something more than a skimming, I have to say I like the story. That isn't to say it is perfect, though I am certain it could be better with more practice. You've used periods as one uses commas and used commas in places they aren't needed. There was also a point near the end where I had to stare at the mangled words a while to figure it out, but that too is not a terrible crime. One last thing, though: be more clear with the reader. I wasn't quite sure what all was going on up until about halfway through the story.
Peculiar Picqueristic Perversions - That disclaimer both makes me shake my head and not want to read, while also making me curious as to how that combination of things mixed together would even turn out. It just reminds me of those idiotic trigger warnings things are getting nowadays, so it isn't necessarily your fault, assuming that isn't your intent. If it is, then I give to you my ire. That said, let me go read your story.
...Ohh.
Ohh, my.
Welp, you don't really need any pointers, and in fact could likely give me a number of the things. I was expecting a rushed, brutally violent story that one might normally see when a deadline is involved, and yet I was pleasantly surprised. I found a well done story better than many of the others, regardless of which category they might be from. I liked the pacing, and, more importantly, the plot was honestly fairly believable. In fact, it was downright enjoyable, not to mentions the characters easy to relate to regardless of their deviant tastes. The only thing I can give as advice is to double check your codes for italics and such, as you left one without the slash. Although, perhaps more line breaks is one thing I can say. Your paragraphs are a bit longer than I would call the norm. Perhaps they are a normal length by your standards, but some nearly take up half of my viewing space. I feel that cutting some of them into two would improve readability. There were also a couple typos as well, but they were of little consequence in such a lengthy work as this. Two words of what feels like over twice that many in thousands is a very good amount to keep it down to after all.
[X] Pecs Perilously Punctured Perfectly
