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The morning sun cast long, golden strings of light that wrapped around the Human Village in a veil of amber and honey, providing a warm greeting for a new day in the wondrous land of illusions. Within the shielded walls of the village rests a utopia for anyone who wanted a simple life in a chaotic world, where they could settle down and maintain the balance of Gensokyo without realizing their impact.
For me, this was the perfect time of day for gardening, not because of the light, but because of the morning dew. I knelt in my modest garden, a small plot behind my home, and carefully harvested coneflowers with gloved hands. The plant provides immune system benefits on it’s own, but when combined with morning dew, it can also lower body temperatures, which is helpful for fevers or hot days.
My name is Eric, and I was often considered an anomaly in the Human Village. While most humans in Gensokyo farmed or ran general markets, I have been dedicating my life to the study of medicine. Obviously, I was no miracle worker, so I couldn’t just wave my hands and instantly cure everyone. However, it served as a fun hobby for me to partake in, and it proved to be effective when sold at the local markets.
During my medicinal research, I also happened to pick up a hobby of cooking along the way. I’m aware that cooking and medicine are different, but I’ve also noticed that they have a surprising amount of overlap; both involved ingredient management and brewing techniques, albeit with a different definition of “brewing” for each hobby. My cooking wasn’t anything special though, I mostly just made basic meat-based dinners to fuel my body for the mornings where I’d work in the gardens. I’m ashamed to admit that I have a huge sweet tooth though, so I would occasionally treat myself to a fruit cobbler that I taught myself to make.
With that being said, I gathered up some sage, coneflowers, and ginger into my bag amd walked into my home; where I would get to work in the kitchen: grinding up roots with a mortar and pestle, and steeping the leaves in a small pot of water. Compared to the advanced medicines Reisen sold when she visited the village, my medicines were rather humble: balm for aching joints, tinctures for fevers, and even the occasional aloe salve for sunburns that farmers would frequently develop. They were simple, but effective. More importantly, they gave me a sense of identity in this chaotic land full of beings hundreds of times more powerful than I could ever hope to be.
As I mixed the leaf water into a tincture, I pondered the predictable nature of the village. Everything felt so stale around here, and even the experience of medicine experimentation was enough to fully distract from the fact every day was the exact same. So while I finish grinding up the ginger roots and cornflower petals into a soothing balm, I wondered what it’d be like to take a trip outside of the village walls for once. Even if it’d be risking certain death, I’d at least see something new.
With a small basket full of prepared herbs and a larger satchel full of finished products, I exited the dark corners of my home and into the bright light of the village where I would then make my way towards the village market to set up shop. The dirt path was already bustling with activity while I walked. A farmer hauled a cart full of oversized radishes, their leafy tops rustling with each bump. While two children chased each other with sticks before Keine emerged from the school to scold the children before they could get hurt. Luckily for me, the marketplace was a short distance away from my house, so I wasn’t bothered by the weight of my basket and satchel.
The marketplace was a kaleidoscope of sounds and smells. The air was thick with the scent of freshly baked bread and grilled yakitori from the woman who serves as a guide for lost humans in the bamboo forest. It was also where I found my usual stall, nestled inbetween a tailor and a potter. During my brief shift, business was relatively steady; a farmer purchased a balm, and a hunter had purchased a container of sunburn cream. The interactions were simple, but it was better than experimenting in a house all day. I was in the middle of explaining the proper dosage of an experimental energy tonic I had prepared earlier to a skeptical old man when another presence caught my attention.
A familiar purple-haired girl in a large hat and fancy uniform was walking down the dirt path, her large backpack bouncing with each step. She was a woman who I had come to learn is Reisen Udongein Inaba, the person(?) Who worked for the mysterious Eientei clinic I had heard about. She never set up her own stand, only moving throughout the village to sell medicine for those in need. Her objective was similar to mine, but unlike the homemade medicines I created, Eientei’s medicines were much more refined and professional.
Noticing a lack of business today, I decide to pack up my wares and call it a day early. I found myself intrigued by the presence of Reisen. We had exchanged pleasantries before, but I still knew very little about her or Eientei. Despite this, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that my research has become stagnant as of later, so perhaps I need some professional help to further develop my experimentation. Either way, I take down my stall and make my way over to Reisen.
“Good morning, Reisen,” I began, offering a polite bow. “Quite the inventory you have today.”
Reisen turned to me, a slight flicker of recognition in her eyes. “Ah, Eric-san, good morning. You are correct, master has recently stabilized some of the more volatile compounds. They are now safe for general sale.” She pulled out a small bottle of crystal clear liquid. “This one is particularly interesting. Eirin calls it a ‘Wave Pattern Harmonizer.’ It uses low frequency-oscillation to realign a person’s biological rhythm; excellent for insomnia caused by spiritual disturbance.”
My eyes widened at the sight of the liquid, which retracted the rays of morning sun that filtered through the bottle. I had no idea what a “low-frequency oscillation” was, but it sounded fascinating. “Spiritual disturbance… like if a vengeful spirit is possessing someone’s home? How often does that even happen?”
“More often than you’d think.” Reisen replied, a hint of a smile gracing her lips. “But the more common reason is anxiety, which throws the body’s internal rhythm into chaos, and this helps to reestablish a proper balance and promote a healthier mindset.” Reisen suddenly realizes something. “That reminds me, I noticed you set up your stand again today. Are you still selling the exact same medicines?”
“Unfortunately, yes.” I replied, my shoulders drooping slightly. “My research has been slow as of late, and I haven’t noticed any new ingredients at the village market.”
Reisen nodded in agreement. “I see. In that case, why don’t you tell me your process for medicine creation? I might be able to offer some advice.”
And just like that, an in-depth medical conversation was born. I may have honed my craft through trial and error, but it was still enough to intrigue Reisen. I showed her my energy tonic, explaining the combination of coffee grounds, tea, honey, and ginseng root. It was more of a fancy than an energy drink, if I’m being honest. In turn, Reisen held up a bottle of pale green liquid which she called “Ocular Brightness Tonic” and began a clinical explanation of light retracting in retinal cells, and the medicines effects of healing retinal cells to prevent blindness or blurry vision. It was nice to have someone else I could talk to about my interests, as medicine wasn’t a popular hobby in the village.
When the conversation began to slow down, Reisen stopped for a moment to contemplate something. “Eric-san, you seem to have a genuine passion for the pursuit of medicine, and a good foundation. Your formula for sunburn cream, despite its simple ingredients, is remarkably well-balanced. Given what you’ve demonstrated, I think… Master would like to see you.”
My eyes widened. Master Eirin…? I’ve heard vague mentions of her before, but I knew almost nothing about her, aside from the fact she was known as the “Brain of the Moon.” Which is a name that always intrigued me. Does she truly originated from the moon? Common sense would say that’s correct, but you never know in Gensokyo. “You want me visit Eientei? But isn’t it…” I lower my voice slightly so Keine doesn’t hear: she’d likely scold me if I planned on entering the bamboo forest. “…Hidden in the Bamboo Forest of the Lost? I’ve heard that anyone who enters without a guide wanders forever.”
“That’s why I’ll guide you.” Reisen said simply, like it were the most obvious thing in the world. “I usually don’t sell much during my visits, and I can see that you’ve already closed up shop. So, are you willing to join me? I’m sure Master would appreciate a fresh perspective, and you clearly have a thousand questions you're dying to ask.”
I didn’t need a moment to consider this proposition. This was the exact opportunity I needed! “I’d be more than happy to accompany you. Thank you, Miss Reisen!”
Reisen smiled. “Just ‘Reisen’ is fine, no need for formalities. But if you’re ready, then let’s not keep master waiting.”
“HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!” A shrill voice startles the both of us right as we’re turning to leave. I look over to see a woman in a red outfit and a red cape sprinting over to us while a sailor followed close behind. “My name is Professor Yumemi, and this is my assistant,
Chiyuri! we were performing a reconnaissance mission in the
Human Village in search of any anomalies-“
“She was eavesdropping behind a tree over there.” Chiyuri interrupts, gesturing towards a nearby tree with a cheeky grin. Meanwhile, Yumemi’s face developed a slight blush.
“Silence, Chiyuri. Our methods of observation are not important. What is important is that we learned of the location of Lady Eirin. If we can infiltrate Eientei, then perhaps we can find a method of reaching the moon! Then we can-“
“No.”
“WHAT?!” Yumemi stared at her assistant in shock. “What do you-“
“We’re not doing this again, professor. Just let the guy leave so he can receive guidance.”
“That is completely UNACCEPTABLE!” Yumemi stomped her foot multiple times like a child throwing a tantrum. “Do you not realize what is at stake here, Chiyur?! Think of all the futuristic technology we could obtain! We could modify the hypervessel so we can return to our home dimension! We could-“
Chiyuri sighs and grabs her professor by the hem of her cloak. “Sorry about this, she gets a bit excited whenever science is involved.” She begins dragging the strawberry-colored woman away, who is now kicking and screaming, drawing the attention of nearby villagers.
“Chiyuri! I demand you stop treating me like a child this instant! I am a talented scientist, not some- OW! STOP PINCHING ME!!”
Me and Reisen watch with dumbfounded expressions as Yumemi is dragged out of sight. “Uh… did you know those two…?”
“I’ve never seen them in the village before…” Reisen replied while the two exited the village gates and starting walking towards the endless sea of bamboo. “The two seem to be quite the… dynamic duo though.”
“Yeah, I hope they don’t plan on doing anymore eavesdropping though, their outfits could be seen from miles away!”
We shared a chuckle, but then the laughter died down when they reached the outskirts of the Bamboo Forest, which looked more like a dense wall of bamboo than a forest. The sight of the forest was as oppressive as the rumors claimed. The stalks grew impossibly tall and dense, blocking out the sun and casting the interior of the forest in darkness. When we stepped foot into the bamboo, disorientation set in immediately. Every direction looked the same, and I knew that a single step would likely result in me being lost forever.
But Reisen moved with efficiency and grace. Her red eyes, which would usually drive a person to madness if she chose, were instead scanning subtle patterns in the bamboo that were completely invisible to me. In my eyes, in felt like we were blindly stumbling around.
“Remember to stay close.” Reisen instructed, keeping a firm grip on my arm. “Your eyes are the easiest to deceive, and your sense of direction is the first to succumb to these labyrinthine forests.” Reisen’s rabbits ears twitched, picking up a signal only she could hear. “We’re almost there.”
Right after she says that, the thick bamboo gave way to the enclosed walls of a sprawling, traditional Japanese manor. As we walked along the stone path leading to the entrance, I could see decorative fountains burbling peacefully while rabbits pounded mochi into bowls. I felt a sense of calmness around this place, making this place feel like a private sanctuary.
Reisen led me through the immaculate corridors, where the halls looked like they stretched on forever, and every door looked identical to the last.
“How do you manage to navigate a place like this?” I asked, trying not to feel lost in this place. “Everything looks the exact same!”
Reisen chuckled. “You get used to it. I’ve lived here for decades, and moon rabbits like me can rely on wavelengths for navigation. I’d teach you, but unfortunately, humans lack the same… capacity that we do.”
Right after she says that, we stop at one of the many doors in Eientei, and Reisen slides open the door to reveal what can best be described as a state-of-the-art pharmaceutical laboratory. Gleaming metal shelves were covered in vials of multicolored substances, and high-tech machinery that I couldn’t identify hummed in the background. More importantly, however, was the silver-haired woman in a red-blue outfit sitting at a desk in the corner of the room. Meanwhile, a large, flat-screen TV illuminated the entire room with the flashing lights of a bullet hell video game, and a woman with flowing black hair and a regal dress was hyperfixated on the screen. I assumed the nurse was Lady Eirin, but I did not recognize the regal gamer.
“Princess,” Eirin began. “You’re wasting your time, the red scientist’s AI is designed for you to fail. You’re playing a match against a cheater.”
“Nonsense, Eirin!” The princess replied, mashing buttons frantically. “I just have to-“ Pichuun~!
“THIS IS COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS!!” The princess wailed, throwing her controller at the ground and crossing her arms with an exaggerated pout, making her look more like a spoiled child than a Lunar princess. It was almost endearing seeing such a powerful woman act childish and carefree. When she laid eyes on me, her eyes lit up like the console she was just playing on. She quickly got over it, and immediately tried again, the screen filling with colorful projectiles.
Eirin turned her attention to me, her silver hair swaying. Her gaze wasn't unkind, but it was deeply analytical, like she was analyzing me from head to toe with her eyes alone. “A human, how intriguing.” Eirin spoke in a calm and professional tone. “You do not appear to be injured, so are you perhaps here to purchase medicine?” Eirin writes something down on her clipboard, her eyebrows furrowing slightly. “Although… it is unusual for a human to come all the way here as opposed to purchasing medicine from Reisen. So what is it you came here to accomplish?”
“My name is Eric.” I introduced myself with a slight bow. “I am an aspiring medicine maker in the Human Village. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you, Lady Eirin. I agreed to visit you in hopes that I could become your student to further my research.”
“A medicine maker?” Eirin raised an eyebrow. “How curious. I’ve never had a human ask to ve my student before.” She turned her gaze to Reisen. “I presume that Reisen was the one who initiated this proposition?”
Reisen nodded. “Correct. I found his homemade formulas to be intriguing, and he shows great promise for someone who relies on the local flora of the village. I offered him a visit believing that his presence would be intriguing for you as well.”
The princess paused her game and rolled over, finally taking notice of me. “Oh!” She chirped. “We have a visitor!” I stare at her in bewilderment. “You… just noticed…?”
The princess lets out an annoyed “hmph!” and turns away. “I was busy with… important things! Forgive me for not staring at the door constantly.” She immediately brightens up, her eyes sparkling. “But enough of that! Have you come to play video games with me? I’ve been terribly lonely as of late, and Eirin and Reisen are both too busy to relax! They’re so uptight, I swear.”
Reisen’s ears starting drooping in embarrassment. “P-Princess, I’m right here…”
Eirin, however, let out a sigh. “This is Princess Kaguya, a being of endless boredom who spends most of her days playing video games. It’s rather unproductive, but at least she’s happy.”
Regardless of the awkward introduction, I gave a friendly bow to Kaguya, who waved it off with a laugh. “Oh, please, no need for formalities! Now let’s go!!” Kaguya cheers as she grabs my arm and gently pulls me towards her gaming setup.
“I came here for Eirin, but I suppose I could relax for a bit. Not like I get to do that often…”
“Yay!!” Kaguya drops me onto a large beanbag chair and hands me a controller, where we then started playing a two-player versus bullet hell game. Unfortunately, Kaguya was able to completely steamroll me, as video game consoles are nonexistant in the Human Village. Despite this, I don’t feel any anger towards my constant loss. After all, it’s not every day that you get to play video games with a moon princess!
During our gaming, Kaguya told me all kinds of different stories relating to Eientei and the moon. Apparently, the moon has this massive sprawling city known as the “Lunar Capital,” and it’s inhabited by beings of absolute purity. Anything that can live or die is seen as “impure” in their eyes. During our conversation, Eirin chimed in to give her own perspective. Apparently she was once a teacher for two princesses in charge of the Lunar Defense Corps.
One of her students was Watatsuki no Yorihime, a fierce warrior with over 200 gods within her. She treats her duties with utmost importance, but Eirin knows of the heart of gold buried beneath her strict layers.
“She could really use a laugh sometimes.” Eirin remarks with a slight smile.
Her other student was Watatsuki no Toyohime, a laid back and carefree woman who could create gaps anywhere she wanted. Despite wielding a fan capable of causing immense destruction, she rarely took her job seriously, and would much rather spend her days eating peaches and teasing her sister. I was mostly surprised to hear about her ability to create gaps, as I assumed the boundary youkai was the only one capable of such a task.
I’ve also come to the conclusion that the Watatsuki Sisters serve as a yin and yang to eachother. Yorihime’s strict and dutiful personally balances out with Toyohime’s laid-back and carefree personality. More importantly, however, I noticed that Eirin had a sense of melancholy wash over her normally stoic features. It’s almost like she had a brief moment of remembrance.
“Is everything okay, Miss Eirin?” I asked, wondering if this conversation had become too personal for Eirin.
“Everything is alright, Eric.” Eirin reassured, although I could hear the sadness in her voice. “I’m simply having a moment of recollection. There’s no need to worry about me, now let us go back to the original subject at hand. Do you still wish to pursue medicine under my guidance?”
“Of course!” I replied without hesitation. “Playing video games with the princess has been fun, but I still have my own responsibilities to take care of.”
“Awww…” Kaguya started pouting again. “Now you're starting to sound like Eirin and Reisen.”
I turn to Kaguya with a smile. “Don’t worry, Princess Kaguya. I’ll play video games with you again when I get the chance!”
Kaguya immediately brightened up again upon hearing my words of encouragement, and she let out a small cheer. Meanwhile, Reisen gave me a respectful nod. “It looks like you’ll fit in quite nicely here, Eric.”
“Speaking of which,” Eirin began, her voice taking on a more serious edge. “I think you’ll be perfect for a social experiment I wish to partake in.”
“A social experiment…?” I repeated, tilting my head in confusion.
“Indeed.” Eirin said, placing a small white pill onto the counter. “Your presence intrigues me, so I’d like you to partake in a risky expedition, if you choose to accept.”
Eirin takes a deep breath, and begins speaking.
“As I’m sure you’re already aware from our stories, our group at Eientei are exiles of the moon, so we can never return. This means I have no method of proper communication with my former students.” Eirin pulls out a small white envelope, her face developing that same melancholic expression again. “Seeing as you are an impure being, sending you to the moon would be suicide. However,” she taps the pill bottle. “I have synthesized a specialized pill that forces someone to project their consciousness into the dream world, allowing for an impure being to visit the moon without immediately being detained. I can only hope that the ruler of dreams does not interfere with your expedition if you decide to accept this proposition.”
I stare at Eirin with a look of absoloute bewilderment. When I first agreed to visit Eientei, I had assumed Eirin would be willing to train me, but this was quickly escalating. Playing video games with a princess was one thing, but now I’m asked to visit the moon to… relay a message? Even with the pill's protection, I doubt the Watatsukis would be eager to welcome someone like me into the capital…
Seeing the discomfort on my face, Eirin speaks up in a soothing tone. “I understand that you are stressed. This is a tall order for a medicine seller in the village, and I recognize that. Which is why I’m making this a choice. I will not think any less of you if you decline, but I would be grateful if you had the bravery to face the purity of the capital and deliver my message to the very princesses I once trained under my wing.”
I look down at the pill, and look back up at Eirin. “Do you… really trust me with something like this?”
Eirin chuckled. “Honestly? No, but you’re my only option at the moment, so I’m placing a bet on your character. With that being said, what is your decision?”
Time itself seemed to grind to a halt in the sterile room of Eirin’s office. Looking around, I can see an intrigued smile from Kaguya, a reassuring thumbs-up from Reisen, and a calm smile on Eirin’s face, as the room waits patiently for my answer. After a moment of consideration, I realize that this could potentially be the adventure I’ve always dreamed of having; my chance to finally go beyond the walls of the Human Village! (Even if I technically did that already by coming to Eientei). This decision might be seen as ridiculous or downright stupid to most people, but I don’t care. Who knows if I’ll ever get an opportunity like this again?
Regardless, I pick up the pill, and give Eirin a confident smile.
“I’ll do it.”
Eirin’s eyes glimmer with respect, and I can see the edges of her mouth curling upward. “Oh my, such bravery is rare among humans.
Very well, but I hope you realize what you’re getting into. The Lunar Capital is no laughing manner, and you will be expected to maintain perfect behavior during your visit. Do you truly believe you will be able to maintain your composure?”
I nod slowly. “Yes, I think I’ll be able to handle it.”
“Very well.” Eirin began. “In that case, consume the pill, and you will begin your journey momentarily.”
With no other questions in mind, I swallow the pill, and for a moment, nothing happened. Then my vision began to blur. Reisen was there to catch me when my legs gave out beneath me, and she gently lays me down on a nearby futon while the world around me dissolves onto a hazy landscape vaguely reminiscent of space. When my vision cleared and I regained control of my body, I found myself in a space-like dimension with a neon grid beneath me. I could see earth behind me, and the moon up ahead.
As I began my journey towards the moon, I found myself feeling surprisingly weightless. Each step felt like I was walking on nothingness, providing a slightly disorientation sensation. Regardless, it was smooth sailing until I heard a voice.
“Oh my, what do we have here?”
A pajama-wearing woman with a comically large red hat suddenly drifted in front of me, resting on a large pink blob while her face contains a smug expression.
“You’re not like the other humans I’ve seen. Your dreams appear to be more… purposeful.”
“Who are you?” I ask in confusion. “I’ve never seen you before, not even in my dreams.”
“I am Doremy Sweet.” The woman replied. “Although most prefer to call me the ‘ruler of dreams.’ Who I am is not important, however. My reason for stopping you is that I am curious about your motives. Your current destination ij mind is the Lunar Capital, but you are aware of what to expect by visiting the lands of purity, correct?”
“I am well aware. Eirin made sure to inform me. Are you here to stop me?”
“Of course not.” Doremy replied with a chuckle. “It would be unkind to attack an innocent and defenseless human. I merely wish to watch and enjoy the show. So when you arrive, please be sure to not disappoint.”
“Um… Okay?”
Doremy’s smile widens. “Very good, now-“
“HEY!”
Doremy sighs. “Great. Here we go again…”
I turn to the left and see a woman who looks like she came directly from an anime convention. She’s dressed in plaid attire with a black fedora and a cloak with fancy symbols on the inside. She floats nearby with a smug expression on her face and a phone in her hand .
“Hey there, human! I’m Sumireko Usami, psychic prodigy from the Outside World, and I couldn’t help but overhear talk of an adventure to the moon. No need to ask me, I already plan on joining you!” I stare at her with a dumbfounded expression.
“Uh… No?”
Sumireko looks at me like I just slapped her in the face. “No?! What do you MEAN no? When I decide I’m going on an adventure, then that means I’m-“
Without wasting another second, Doremy pulls out a surprisingly large trumpet, and plays a note towards Sumireko that makes the air around her shimmer around. Sunireko attempts to complain, but her protests are drowned out by the trumpet as her body fades away into nothingness.
“There we go, no more distractions. Now continue on your journey, Eric. I’m sure you won’t disappoint me.”
After exchanging a pleasant goodbye with Doremy, I continue my walk forward, where my vision would slowly fade to black. When I wake up, I find myself laying on my back, with a smooth and gravely surface beneath me. Above me is a thick blanket of constellations. Slowly rising to my feet, I find that the surface of the moon is not at all what I expected. There’s a large forest of peach trees standing before me, and behind me is a massive, still ocean of crystal clear water that perfectly reflects the earth above it. It’s a beautiful sight, but now isn’t the time for sightseeing.
Walking away from the ocean and through the forest, I take a moment to examine the massive peaches on the trees. They’re a lot different than the ones I’ve seen in the village, looking completely flawless and big enough to require two hands just to carry one. Giving one a gentle poke causes the large amount of juice inside to give an audible slosh. They look delicious, but I’m worried that the sisters might do something to me if they found out I stole from them.
While I'm walking, I notice that Eirin’s envelope is currently in my pocket. I’m not entirely sure how the note managed to come along with me, but I suppose it’d be silly to question the logic of dreams. Assuming I’m even dreaming at this point, everything looks and feels way too real for this to just be me projecting my consciousness onto the moon. Regardless, the forest slowly thins out to reveal a small staircase with a purple torii gate that has gold plating on the end of each tip leading into a metallic platform a red guardrail surrounds the entrance platform like a cage while tall, imposing purplish-gray reinforced walls extend out before me with a red stripe expertly painted along the top. I can see the barrels of mounted machine guns extending from within the reinforced walls, silently threatening to shred any intruder to pieces. All I can see in front of me is an ovalshaped entrance decorated by red streamers and large red banners on both sides.
Not wanting to intruder before introducing myself, I decide to wait a few moments before entering. It didn’t take long for someone to notice me, and a uniformed moon rabbit emerged with a rifle on her back. When she sees me, her eyes widen and she immediately runs back inside. A few seconds later, and two women dressed in regal attire emerge from the doorway.
One of the two looked much more intimidating than the other. Her purple hair was tied into a neat ponytail, her dress was a dark, crimson red that contrasted with her white blouse, and a gold, sword-shaped buckle attached to her belt served as a stark reminder of her expert swordsmanship. In her hand was the red-gold grip of an expertly crafted sword that reflected the faint light of the moon. There wasn’t any doubt that this was Watatsuki no Yorihime, as I could already feel an immense, oppressive weight from her gaze alone.
The other woman had a much softer expression, but I could still sense unbelievable amounts of power hidden behind her slightly mischievous smile. As opposed to Yorihime’s professional hairdo, Toyohime’s sandy blonde hair flowed freely like golden silk. Her violet dress had a much softer contrast to her white blouse with a gold, mirror-shaped buckle attached to her belt, and she wore a white bonnet with a light pink ribbon on it. In her hand was an innocent-looking ornate fan that was capable of erasing entire forests, or so Eirin told me. Regardless, both woman were extremely powerful, and I was already getting nervous just by standing in front of them.
Naturally, Yorihime noticed the slight trembling in my arms, and her eyes narrowed. “Control yourself, human.” She spoke, her voice calm, but firm. “If you are incapable of maintaining a basic greeting without losing your composure, then I’m afraid your trip is ending early.” Yorihime tilted her katana slightly, the blade perfectly reflecting my worried face.
Meanwhile, Toyohime giggles, fanning herself slowly. “Now, now, Yorihime. Don’t be so stiff! He looks quite harmless.” She then looks me up and down, humming approval. “Hmm, he doesn’t look impure. How strange, the only person capable of bypassing impurity would be Lady Yagokoro. Did you happen to meet her, human?”
I nod in confirmation. “Yes, actually. That’s why I’ve come to visit. My name is Eric, and Lady Eirin requested that I bring this envelope to you, as she is unable to communicate with the moon directly due to her status as an exile. It is a pleasure to meet you, Lady Yorihime and Lady Toyohime.”
I pull out the envelope and hand it to Yorihime, who tears it open and reads through it while Toyohime peers over her shoulder. As she’s reading the note, Yorihime’s gaze softens slightly, and Toyohime giggles at the sight of her sister’s reaction.
“Oh my, is Yorihime’s icy heart melting at the comforting words of Lady Yagokoro alone…?”
Yorihime looks away, her face developing a slight blush. “Silence, sister. I’m just… relieved to hear from Lady Yagokoro again after all these years.” She then turns her attention back to me, her eyes narrowing. “Do not think this lets you off easy, human. It is unusual for Lady Yagokoro to send a messenger to the moon without a deeper motive. The last time we received a letter from Eirin directly, a Lunar invasion occurred.”
My stomach immediately sinks out of fear. Surely they don’t think I’m here to cause trouble, right?
“W-Woah, wait!” I frantically wave my hands in a surrendering gesture. “T-This isn’t an invasion! I’m just one person, and besides, Eirin said that the pill would prevent me from being seen as impure!”
Toyohime giggles into her fan, her eyes carrying a teasing glint. “That may be true, but surely you recognize that you are still in our domain, correct? You may have found a loophole, but that loophole does not protect you from my fan. But you’re not wrong though, you are completely alone and unarmed. So, I believe it would be beneficial to invite you in. The only knowledge I possess of earth comes from the books I’m always reading.”
Yorihime sighs. “You should be doing your duties, sister.”
Toyohime smiles. “And you should stop being uptight all the time! What’s the worst that could happen?”
“…Fine.” Yorihime replies with a huff. “But just know that modesty and discipline are expected here. The lack of proper decorum will not be tolerated.”
And with that, the two sisters fall in step beside me as we enter the Lunar Capital. The interior of the capital looks like something straight out of a sci-fi novel. Gray, metallic walkways stretched out in all directions while peach trees provided some much-needed color to the efficient landscape. As we approached the palace, we passed by a device in the center of the capitalism entrance, the device was connected to a large pool of liquid below that showed a swirling kaleidoscope of colors.
“Isn’t lunar technology fascinating?” Toyohime whispers, noticing my intrigue. “That device is capable of preserving an ingredient forever! I prefer to grow my own peaches though, as they-“
Yorihime clears her throat. “The moon is not a tourist destination. Do not get distracted by pretty colors, Eric.”
Nodding in agreement, I’m led into the soft, orange glow of the palace interior, where I’m then brought to a simplistic meeting room with a bowl of peaches in the center. Yorihime elegantly sits down on a cushion, and Toyohime flops down next to her with a laugh, much to her sister’s annoyance. As for me, I carefully sit down on the soft cushion across from them, feeling like a criminal facing a judge.
“So.” Yorihime began. “While we appreciate your devotion to Lady Yagokoro, and we appreciate her words of encouragement, that still leaves you as an anomaly in the eyes of the capital. So let’s make this simple, what is your relation to Lady Yagokoro?”
I take a deep breath before answering. “I am a n aspiring medicine creator. I created simplistic medicines in the Human Village in which I would then sell to my neighbors. Earlier this morning, I was approached by Reisen, who offered me a visit to Eientei where I would be trained by Miss Eirin. However, upon my arrival, I ended up getting a bit sidetracked when Princess Kaguya was telling me about the moon, and it led to Eirin offering me a mission to deliver the note.”
Yorihime nods slowly in understanding, while Toyohime’s eyes sparkle in intrigue. “Surely you’re more interesting than a boring medicine seller, what else are you capable of?” Toyohime asks.
I scratch the back of my head awkwardly. “Well, I sometimes make myself something nice for dinner. I’m not much of a chef, but I do like making a peach cobbler occasionally.”
Toyohime’s eyes light up like airplanes in the night sky. “Peach cobbler?” She leans fireworks, her fan fluttering excitedly. “How wonderful! I’ve heard about it in my books before, but the rabbits never had the time to make it. The bubbling syrup, the warm peaches… oh, my stomach is already rumbling just by thinking
about it! Please tell me you can make it right away!”
Yorihime sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose. “Sister, have you no shame? We’re interrogating the anomaly while your stomach bellows like a starving beast. Have you been lounging and eating peaches for so long that you’ve forgotten your status as lunar royalty?”
Toyohime waves her hand dismissively. “Oh, don’t look at me like that, Yorihime. Sweets are a blessing upon the soul! A moment of delight that lingers on the tongue and warms the stomach.” She gives her sister a smug look. “Someone as uptight as you could really use them.”
Yorihime’s face burns. “I am not ‘uptight.’ I simply perform my duties, which is something you should be doing as a lunar princess. I do not have time for such frivolous endeavors as-“
Yorihime’s stomach suddenly growls loudly, an unmistakable sound that cuts through the pure silence of the meeting room. In an instant, Yorihime’s face turns a shade of red that matches her outfit, and her free hand flies to her stomach. Her grip on her katana tightens, as if she could somehow fend off the embarrassment. Meanwhile, Toyohime bursts out laughing.
“Oh, sister, your stomach betrays you!” Toyohime speaks between giggles, her fan fluttering rapidly like a hummingbird's wings. “There’s no ignoring it now, just admit you’re as hungry as I am!”
“S-Silence!” Yorihime snaps. “I will NOT have my dignity ruined like this. But…” She turns away, her blush returning. “It would be improper to have the guest remain idle during their visit.”
Toyohime raises an eyebrow. “Oh? They went from ‘anomaly’ to ‘guest’ rather fast. Is someone starting to lose their stoic edge?”
Yorihime turns to her sister with a glare that could melt tungsten. “Silence. I’m just… whatever, let’s just get this over with. The human’s dream is likely going to end soon.” She turns her sharp attention to me. “Well? Are you up to the task?”
I gulp nervously, quickly realizing I’m out of depth. I may be a medicine seller, but what do I know about cooking for lunar royalty? Are the ingredients here different from earth? My mind is racing with questions, and I can feel myself starting to sweat.
“I asked you a question.” Yorihime reminded me with cold tone. “And remember what I said about maintaining your composure.”
I nod, trying to hide my growing unease. “D-Don’t worry, I can handle it!”
Toyohime leaps to her feet. “Great! I’ll happily escorted you to our lunar kitchens.” She links her arm around me and starts walking me towards the kitchen, with Yorihime following close behind. When we arrive at the nearby kitchen, I’m greeted by a sleek, futuristic room full of devices I don't even recognize. The only part of the kitchen that didn’t look incomprehensible was the kitchen cabinet, which was mostly those large peaches I saw earlier, but also contained some other ingredients I vaguely recognize.
Toyohime skips into the nearby dining room, but Yorihime lingers for a moment. I can hear the faint sound of her boots clicking on the polished floor as she approaches.
“Listen.” Yorihime begins, her voice lacking it’s usual sharp edge. “You’re not in any danger here, it’s clear that you pose no threat to the capital. So just take a moment to relax; you cannot work efficiently when your head is clouded by anxiety.”
I turn to face Yorihime, who surprisingly has a small smile on her face. “Take a deep breath for me, alright?” She instructs, and I follow. Breathing in, then out, then in, then out. Within a few moments, I can feel my anxiety dissipating, and my confidence returning.
“Thank you, Lady Yorihime. I just don’t want to disappoint you, as Lady Eirin would likely also be disappointed as a result.”
Yorihime's face straightens out into a calm, but stern expression, like a teacher delivering a lecture. “Being a leader requires more than just maintaining a stern demeanor. If you rely on nothing but intimidation to train, then nobody will learn because they’ll be too afraid to make mistakes. As a result, I’ll always hold people to the standards they request. When that shrine maiden and her arrogant vampire friend show up in their horrendous rocket to cause trouble.” Yorihime’s tightens her grip on her katana for a moment. “Then I take my job seriously. When an innocent medicine seller arrives with comforting words from Lady Yagokoro, I’m cautious, but not cruel.”
As she finishes her lecture, her gaze meets mine once again. “Are you sure you can handle the task of cooking for us?”
I think for a moment. Lady Yorihime is intimidating, but I recognize she means well. The least I could do is fulfill her wish. So with a slight nod, I give my answer:
“Of course, I’ll try to make you proud, Lady Yorihime.”
Yorihime gives a respectful nod and turns to leave, but then I remember something.
“Miss Yorihime…?”
“Yes?” She turns to me with a raised eyebrow.
“Are you… disappointed in your sister?”
Yorihime’s expression softens further, and her lips curve into a smile again. “Of course not. She’s the best sister I could possibly ask for, and she provides a much-needed balance for me whenever I get… carried away.”
And with that, she disappears into the dining room, leaving me to work on their meals. As I gather the ingredients and start preparing the cobbler, I think about Yorihime’s words. If it’s true that they have no ill-will towards me, then I see no reason to give into the anxiety and make this perfect. So with that being said, I make a rather simplistic peach cobbler for Toyohime, and I decide to make a red velvet lava cake for Yorihime, as it reminds me of her fiery personality, and her unexpected warmth hidden behind her tough exterior. Unfortunately, when I finish the two dishes, I accidentally activate some kind of… growth ray? Whatever it is, it hits the two dishes and causes them to grow to roughly twice the size of what they were previously.
Regardless, I enter the dining room with the two dishes, and both sisters look up in surprise when I place them down.
“Sorry about the portion size, the kitchen apparently had some kind of growth ray or… something. Hope it’s not too big.”
Toyohime grabs a nearby fork, her eyes sparkling. “It’s beautiful…” She whispers, and when she takes a bite, her eyes widen and she starts devouring it in a whirlwind of peaches and syrup. “It’s absolutely WONDERFUL!” She cheers, her face smeared with syrup.
Yorihime stares at her sister in shock, but she’s struggling not to smile at her antics. “Sister, please. At least try to control yourself…” Toyohime giggles. “But it’s so good! Wait until you try yours!”
Yorihime sighs, and then looks down at the lava cake. However, I notice something… odd. The cake seems to be straining slightly, like it’s struggling to contain something. Wait, don’t tell me…
“W-Wait! Lady Yori-“
Too late, the moment Yorihime’s fork presses against the dessert, it violently bursts, coating both sisters in melted chocolate. Both of the princesses are frozen in shock, even Toyohime looks surprised. Although she’s trying (and failing) to suppress her giggles.
“Eric…” Yorihime says without an ounce of emotion, but her lips are twitching upward. “Is that why humans call it a ‘lava cake?’ because it functions like a volcano and stains our lunar attire?”
“N-No!” My voice cracks from the stress. “That wasn’t supposed to happen! I-I guess that was a side effect of the ray or… something! I don’t know! I’m so sorry!”
Yorihime is having to take deep breaths to maintain her composure, but her mask is cracking. Toyohime on the other hand, is staring at her sister with a wide grin. “Sister? Are you feeling alright?”
“I’m… mph… fine, sister. This is a serious disciplinary issue. I cannot- hehe- be seen like this. The human, they… they…”
Yorihime’s mouth clamps shut, but she clearly can’t hide her smile anymore. She looks like a tea kettle on the verge of whistling. Toyohime is actively laughing at her at this point.
“Hehe. Here we go. In three… two… one…”
“Mmph… hehe… I… I…”
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”
Yorihime throws her head back and completely lets loose, laughing uncontrollably while clutching her stomach. When she finally composes herself, she’s still smiling.
“Thank you, Eric. I really needed that.” Yorihime says with a grateful smile.
I look at her in surprise, still recovering from the shock of seeing her laugh. “You aren’t mad…?”
Yorihime takes a bite of the dessert. “Of course not. After letting loose like that, I feel… much better now. I guess I really could use a laugh occasionally.”
Toyohime is grinning ear-to-ear. “See? I knew you could do it!” She teases.
The two sisters finish up their desserts, and a couple of moon rabbits come in to take the dishes, although they look confused by my presence and the state of both sisters. When the rabbits leave, Yorihime stands up and bows. “Thank you for the meal, Eric. Unfortunately, I need to clean up and return to my duties. So my sister will accompany you until the dream ends.”
She approaches a nearby door, but pauses and turns to me with a smile. “Next time we meet, you’ll be treated like a guest instead of an anomaly.”
And with that, she leaves the room, leaving me alone with Toyohime, who looks full and content. “I can see it in your eyes.” Toyohime begins, her golden eyes deep and knowing. “You want to stay here, don’t you?”
I scratch the back of my head awkwardly. “I… Don’t think I do, but I know I don’t truly belong here.”
Toyohime smiles. “In that case, allow me to bring you to a peaceful place before you return.”
Toyohime escorts me out of the room, and brings me through the forests and towards the ocean where I woke up.
“This is… where I woke up. The ocean is peaceful here, without a single wave in sight.”
“Indeed.” Toyohime muses. “This is what’s known as the sea of tranquility. It is a place undisturbed by anything that could occur within the capital. Unfortunately,” Her smile widens. “It’s not undisturbed by my ability to connect the seas and the mountains, or the wind of my fan. Observe!”
Toyohime raises her fan, and a strong breeze begins to flow through the area, turning the sea of tranquility into a raging ocean. She then turns around, and unleashes the gale. The resulting wind blast shakes the trees, and causes a large amount of plump peaches to bury Toyohime.
“L-Lady Toyohime? Are you alright?”
Silence answers me for a few moments, then the peach pile begins to wobble, and two arms emerge. After a few moments, Toyohime’s head pops out of the top like a cat emerging from a blanket. “Now that’s how you harvest peaches!” Toyohime giggles, and then she reaches over an places a peach in my hand, or rather, both of my hands, due to its size. “Don’t be shy, it’s the least I could do after the entertainment you’ve provided for us!”
I look down at the peach, squeezing it slightly. “Are you sure you’re fine with me eating your peaches…?”
Toyohime bursts out laughing. “I’m more observant than you think, Eric. You clearly haven’t eaten a day, and we’ve been here for hours. Your stomach has been growling since you’ve arrived, even if you don’t recognize it.”
I can feel my face heating up with embarrassment. “Well, if I have your permission…”
I take a big bite out of the peach, and immediately drench myself in peach juice, much to Toyohime’s amusement. “Oh my goodness, you look like a drowned rat!”
I laugh along with her, and continue to feast on the large peach. By the time it’s gone, I’m dripping with peach juice. “Well, that’s not what I was expecting.”
“You didn’t notice the peaches sloshing around like a water balloon?”
“Alright fair enough.”
We share a hearty giggle before Toyohime turns her attention to the earth above us. “Hmmm… perhaps we’re due for another visit to Eientei. I’m sure you’re just as lovely in person.”
I stare at her like she suddenly grew three heads. “What? You mean visiting earth?! I-I thought you looked down upon earth! That’s why I needed the dream pill.”
Toyohime smiles, her eyes glittering with amusement. “We’re against impure intruders, but we’re quite fond of Eirin. And as I’m sure you’re aware, Eirin is present on earth.”
“In that case, I’ll try to cook something a little less… explosive, next time.”
Toyohime grins. “I look forward to it.”
Right after she says that, my vision begins to warp, and my body begins to fade away. I manage to give Toyohime a quick goodbye before I’m thrown back into the dream world. However, instead of being greeted by Doremy, I’m greeted by a… peculiar-looking woman. She has yellow, flowing hair, a black, red, and yellow Chinese outfit, and purple, flame-like tails emerging from her back.
She gazes upon me with a calm, but unsettling smile.
“Hey.”
“Uh… Hi? Who are you?”
“My name is Junko. And I’ve been watching you. You’ve been busy, huh?”
“Oh, yeah. I got to visit the moon! Pretty cool, right?”
Junko’s eyes narrow. “Right. Fun.”
She sighs. “I hope you recognize that siding with them has consequences. The more you align with the moon, the less allies you’ll have on earth.”
“I mean, I’m not really considered an ‘ally,’ just a guest.”
“Indeed you are.” Junko replies. “But allow me to tell you that if the lunarians fully corrupt you, then I’m afraid I’ll have to ‘purify’ you myself. Understood?”
She stares at me with that calm, unwavering smile.
“What do you mean? Aren’t the lunarians already pure?”
In an instant, Junko grabs my shirt and wrenches me towards her, where I can see an endless, burning rage deep within her reddishorange eyes.
“I mean I’ll wipe you off this plane of existence. Like dirt being filtered from water.”
I start nodding frantically, feeling a deep sense of dread wash over me. “Understood! Now please let me go!”
She releases me, and seems to calm down slightly. “Very good. Now run little rabbit, run far away. Do not let the lunarians lead you astray.”
Her voice develops that chilling undertone again.
“Because I’ll be keeping an eye on you.”
I wake up with a jolt after that, and I see Eirin sitting at a nearby desk. “Eric? Is everything alright?”
I take a deep breath, and brush off the encounter, not wanting to worry Eirin. “No, no, everything’s fine. The Watatsukis received your letter, and they were great full. In fact, they even allowed me to cook for them!”
Eirin’s smile widens. “Interesting. Perhaps that’s why you remained in the dream for so long.” Her expression softens. “But… something is clearly bothering you. I understand if you do not wish to speak about it, but if you ever need someone to talk to, then I’ll always be here.”
“It’s alright, Eirin. I think I’ll be fine.”
Eirin’s smile returns. “In that case, Kaguya has been bugging me about playing video games with you for awhile now. Are you feeling well enough to join?”
“Yeah!”
And with that, I exit the room with Eirin to play games with Kaguya and Reisen. Today was eventful, but I’m glad I was able to visit the moon. As it resulted in me being able to make a lot of new friends, who I think I’ll be staying with for awhile. I’m still not entirely sure who that strange woman was, but I don’t think she’ll be targeting me anytime soon.
Regardless…
Thanks for reading!
* * *
Meanwhile, back on the Lunar Capital, Eirin’s note remains open on a desk. It reads:
“The human standing before you is showing signs of severe ennui, and potentially early signs of depression. I am not asking you to coddle them, but please go easy on them. If they can impress a Watatsuki, then it might provide the spark I need to train them properly.”
“Thank you.”
-Eirin Yagokoro.
Since you asked for feedback on Discord, I'll provide a comment.
The tenses could be more consistent, you switch between past and present tense some. For instance:
>We shared a chuckle, but then the laughter died down when they reached the outskirts of the Bamboo Forest,
Some scenes, like the protagonist moving to the dream world, feel under described, very bare bones. While other scenes have redundant exposition, like when the narration states how Reisen is moving through the bamboo forest and why, followed by her stating how she can move through the forest and why:
>But Reisen moved with efficiency and grace. Her red eyes, which would usually drive a person to madness if she chose, were instead scanning subtle patterns in the bamboo that were completely invisible to me. In my eyes, in felt like we were blindly stumbling around.
>“Remember to stay close.” Reisen instructed, keeping a firm grip on my arm. “Your eyes are the easiest to deceive, and your sense of direction is the first to succumb to these labyrinthine forests.” Reisen’s rabbit ears twitched, picking up a signal only she could hear. “We’re almost there.”
Since the MC is a human village, generally unaware of goings on, I prefer Reisen's explanation over the narration. Also there are some small typos here, 'in felt' should be 'it felt' and 'Reisen's rabbits ears' should have the s at the end of rabbits removed.
This is in contrast to things like the opening line which feel a bit purple, or overwritten, without being especially evocative.
There isn't enough dedication to the MC being a human village and the text being from his limited perspective. The narration is written as if he's telling us a story, but aside from the usual comment about things "I couldn’t identify", I don't think it's very believable. The segment I'm talking about in particular is pasted below.
>Right after she says that, we stop at one of the many doors in Eientei, and Reisen slides open the door to reveal what can best be described as a state-of-the-art pharmaceutical laboratory. Gleaming metal shelves were covered in vials of multicolored substances, and high-tech machinery that I couldn’t identify hummed in the background. More importantly, however, was the silver-haired woman in a red-blue outfit sitting at a desk in the corner of the room. Meanwhile, a large, flat-screen TV illuminated the entire room with the flashing lights of a bullet hell video game, and a woman with flowing black hair and a regal dress was hyperfixated on the screen. I assumed the nurse was Lady Eirin, but I did not recognize the regal gamer.
I feel like that it's important to consider who his audience is, a human villager, someone in the know the Reimu and Marisa, an outsider? The latter section where he refers to a "bullet hell video game" also feels a bit colloquial and too well informed, something like:
>"A computer game I couldn't identify"
Or being even more oblique, by making him unaware of what a tv is, like:
> "a flash outside world device the lady seemed entranced by"
Some other word choice like pajama also rubs me the wrong way. I don't assert that he shouldn't be aware of them at all, but rather there should be more in-depth description using less colloquial sounding terms and words, in order to highlight his limited perspective.
Some lines, like:
>a n aspiring medicine creator
Aside from the typo, are a bit clunky and I'm unsure if that's intentional. Perhaps the terms healer, pharmacist (if he was more in the know), doctor, or medical doctor would be better?
I guess for generally plotting I find the setup and events both contrived, and a bit generic. For the first point, I feel like Eric's skill at cooking, or rather baking in this case, isn't established well enough. Similarly I feel like his relationship with Reisen could be a bit more fleshed out, and Eirin seems rather quick to give him a random job that sends him away from the reason he came to Eientei in the first place. While for the latter, I can't say more than vibes, Eric doesn't feel very notable or pronounced in his personality and I'd say that goes for everyone else in the story. I feel like the growling stomach setup is kind of cheap.
All in all, I think it's okayish, and sort of cute at points. I like the ending, it's a neat idea, recontextualizing the events of Eric's visit to the moon. However I feel like it could have been better.
Oh yes and I don't understand why Sumi, Chiyuri, Junko, and Yumemi are in the story. I think the most fitting is Junko, but the sort of idea of Eric having to choose between the earth and the moon isn't very pronounced.
Reisen is a former resident of the moon who chose to embrace the earth, even dubbing herself an earth rabbit over a moon rabbit during the events of LoLK, so with them being friends I feel like there's something that could be done there.
Your feedback is noted. In all honestly I just thought this was a cute idea so i didn't take it all too seriously, so thats why some parts may feel underdeveloped. My imagination has it's limits lol.
Also Yumemi, Chiyuri, and Sumireko showed up as brief cameos cause they frequently show up in my other works, so I included them as a quick joke. They aren't meant to be important though.
The narration and word choice initially speaks of someone who is quite smitten with gensokyo and their place in it, even though the word choice is a bit strange and contrived, but then he says that he's tired of living in the village. Despite this I quite like the cheery narrative tone.
>bump. While two children
You should use a semicolon here instead of a period and use meanwhile instead of while... these kinds of grammatical things iron out with practise
>“Good morning, Reisen,”
>“Ah, Eric-san, good morning. You are correct, master has recently stabilized some of the more volatile compounds. They are now safe for general sale.”
Inconsistent use of japanese honorifics isn't a dealbreaker, but isn't good and is particularly noticeable in this instance where one character uses them but the other doesn't. Is it meant to show Eric is a foreigner? if so that doesn't make much sense because honorifics are like, super important in japanese.
>which retracted the rays
should be refracted, i think.
>It was more of a fancy than
a fancy what? A FANCY WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
>Does she truly originated from the moon?
should be 'Did she truly originate from the moon?'
>You want me visit Eientei?
Eric is caveman
>I lower my
>Chiyuri sighs and grabs her professor by the hem of her cloak. “Sorry about this, she gets a bit excited whenever science is involved.” She begins dragging the strawberry-colored woman away, who is now kicking and screaming, drawing the attention of nearby villagers.
These segments in present tense, it should be past tense (lowered) like the rest of the story.
>Miss Reisen
mixing up Japanese and English honorifics
>“My name is Professor Yumemi, and this is my assistant,
>Chiyuri! we were performing a reconnaissance mission in the
>Human Village in search of any anomalies-“
I think these random paragraph breaks are a mistake, but it is extremely funny to read them as Yumemi freezing up mid sentence like she's loading the next dialogue track.
Chiyur?!
Chiyur
>doing anymore eavesdropping
anymore shouldn't be one word, should be any more
>when they
did you mean we?
>I did not recognize the regal gamer.
best line
>ask to ve my
mispelling of be
> The princess paused her game and rolled over, finally taking notice of me. “Oh!” She chirped. “We have a visitor!” I stare at her in bewilderment. “You… just noticed…?”
that last speech clause, isn't that Eric speaking? if so it should be a new paragraph.
>We’re interrogating the anomaly while your stomach bellows like a starving beast.
>“Very good. Now run little rabbit, run far away. Do not let the lunarians lead you astray.”
A sample of some of the lines in this that made me lole.
While there are a few oversights (unfortunately I can't catch every mistake)
The weird paragraph breaks (or lack thereof sometimes) are a result of Ao3 being kinda dumb when it comes to short paragraphs. I try to fix the paragraphs when I can, but it's something i can't completely fix.
Btw I'm aware of the spelling/grammar mistakes at this point, so if people could give feedback on the actual story itself and the characterization, then I'd prefer that.
Understood
Well the plot concept is alright, a medicine seller gets picked up by eientei and made to be a messenger for the moon, and is smitten with the moon over his mundane Human Village life, courting the nobles of the moon; only to be warned by Junko, Ms. I Hate The Moon, that by doing so he'll make enemies on earth.
the problem is the plot execution, i think its called. Eric (strange name for a human villager, too, and its never explained why he's named that) is far too mundane for every named character he comes across be buddy buddy with him. With Eirin, it could make sense that she'd give some schmuck a letter which is magically sealed or something, gas him up and offer the opportunity to apprentice under her to convince him to take experimental drugs and go on a perilous journey to the moon. In that case he's just a disposable body to Eirin, one who conveniently returns after a close encounter with vengeance incarnate.
But Eirin dumps important info on her and her relationship with the Watatsukis and seems to get genuinely emotional, which why would she do that with some rando? but again, could just be a manipulation tactic, our herb-mixing mc doesn't seem too bright. in any case this random bringing up of touhou plot trivia doesn't serve anything in the plot and should be culled. Its a bad habit in fanfiction!
anyway, I haven't read SSiB and I really ought to but the Watatsukis act very strange. I don't think they'd be so friendly with a complete stranger, let alone let them cook for them. God knows how many people want to kill them painfully and slowly with deadly incurable poison.
What have you read, btw? like broadly. what specific books are your favourites and what genres do you like the most? it'd just help me get a grasp on your work. Thanks!
I'm aware Eric is a strange name for a Japanese guy, but unfortunately, I am not Japanese, so I'm not familiar with Japanese names. I just picked a random name cause I didn't think it mattered.
Eirin gets slightly emotional about the Watatsuki's because she regrets leaving them and she still respects them (this is a canon fact)
The Watatsuki's are not nearly as aggressive as people think, and Eric clearly wasn't a threat. That's why they were willing to entertain his offer.
As for what I've read... I've read science fiction stuff I guess? I've also read a few touhou fanfictions. Idk I didn't think it mattered much.
Regardless, this is just something I made because I thought it was a fun idea with my favorite characters. This was never meant to be anything super deep or plot-heavy.
>>29363
Thank you for responding.
I don't have a problem with Eirin getting emotional or the Watatsuki's not being aggressive, I'm just critical of them being like this with some nobody. It'd make sense for Eirin to open up like that to someone close to her but not a stranger, and the same applies to the Watatsukis. Even though they aren't openly hostile to everyone and everything, they have a reputation and image to uphold and I imagine wouldn't let their guard down around a stranger from Gensokyo when the moon treats Gensokyo quite badly (citing the plots of LoLK and FW)
Eirin really didn't go that deep. She kinda just explained the general gist of the Watatsuki's and explained her regrets of leaving them.
They didn't really let their guard down (especially Yorihime), but they weren't directly antagonistic towards Eric the whole time because they knew that he, again, was not at all a threat and they could easily deal with him if he did try something.
Spam filter has gone nuts and bans my proper review. I give up. Just know that the day when the last picture and the last word of the last fanfic portraying Kaguya as childish console gamer neet will be frayed by semiconductor decay and cosmic rays will be the happiest day of my life, even though it will end most surely before this time.
I don't know what any of that is supposed to mean, but if you're in the THP discord then you can DM me your proper review in google docs form. (If you want)
(I'm Bingus btw, I'm just on mobile rn so the trip code isn't saved)
Ok so I've come to the conclusion after reading these comments that you guys really did not like this huh?
Obviously I'm not gonna please everyone, but this much negativity when giving your comments is kinda frustrating and a little discouraging.
Surely there's some good in my writing right?
I guess what I'm trying to say is maybe tone down the negativity a little? These oneshots aren't meant to be anything super serious or deep, just fun ideas I made with my favorite characters. There's no need to go full CinemaSins and nitpick every sentence lol (obviously I'm exaggerating, but you get the idea).
Constructive criticism is one thing, but if I'm met with almost entirely negative responses, then it makes me feel like writing is a waste of time, and it makes me hesitant to post more of my Ao3 stories here.
Apologies if I sound like I'm complaining a bunch.
Getting back to you after reading the previous draft. First off, I want to say, I don't mean to come off as rude, if I did so, I apologize in advance as I have more to say. Either way I'll do my best to be constructive.
With all that said, I preferred the previous version. While I noticed some grammatical errors, it benefits from greater focus. I had a feeling that Sumi, Chiyuri, Junko, and even Reisen were added in after the fact and I was correct. It feels a lot like there are two stories here, one about a sullen medicine selling villager who becomes Eirin's student, and the other about Eirin's student visiting the Lunar capital.
Removing the recruitment elements and staring them off with a more established relationship creates a justification for Eirin getting emotional around him and giving him an important mission. There is the problem of canonically the Wata sisters being able to visit Eientei as they please, which is I guess is probably why the depression aspect was added, but I think it's better to violate canon in order to make the story work then it is trying to wrap a premise that doesn't fit canon around canon.
Although there is another way to remedy this, as my contemporary said, change the intro narration to make him less smitten by Gensokyo. Have his disillusionment be the first thing we're introduced to, provide some more narration about him and Reisen's relationship, which I do think could be interesting
I would also agree it's a bit odd how friendly the Wata sisters get, once again necessitating the letter, but I think this could be paved over using japanese mythology. Namely the story about a fisher man ending up at the Dragon God's palace and being returned home by the Wata sisters, now in canon it's stated they used time travel to fuck with him and make his life miserable but you can just ignore that.
Instead have the Wata sisters' be earnest and the fisherman have a happy ending, you can have either the Waya sisters themselves or Eirin tell this story, but either way you give them a positive history with castaways. So they, more or less, have a reason to be nice.
A comment about him being a baker's son and/or having a special, supernatural, ability for baking sweets could also help the latter half of the story.
As an aside, I don't really share my contemporaries' complaints about grammatical errors, although the first version did contain more glaring ones, I feel like that's not very useful to you. But I think the story really does suffer from also having a Reisen story in it, as well as all the other characters who don't do much aside from show up.
Besides I liked Eirin's warning against Eric/Alex being entranced by the moon more than Junko's.
That all said I'm interested to see you post more, we're gonna have another contest or exhibition later this year so I hope you stay around for that. It's always a treat to see new writers.
Either way, as a writer, I believe parsing criticism for what is and isn't useful is a skill we should all learn so I do my best to come in with the best intentions, and be through, and useful with the understanding that what I say may not be useful.
That said, I did not dislike either versions.
dude why is bingus pwning this site so hard rn
call me an australian for this post but why
captcha: HIATUS
(Responding to the guy above the two most recent messages).
I dunno man, I tried. I can't think of literally everything in the moment when writing this oneshot, as I made it with the mindset of it being a silly short story with my favorite characters in it. I appreciate the criticism, but I think you're (like most people on this site) expecting this to be way more than it is.
It's unfortunate that some parts are lacking, but I'm not going to waste my time remaking this entire oneshot again when it ultimately doesn't matter.
>>29375
I do not expect you to rewrite this entire thing, perhaps I should have been more clear but all of my advice about how I think this work could have been improved is meant to help you evaluate it so you can take that into account for future works.
This is a public image board, and you asked, on discord, for people to read and give feedback. I have given feedback to the best of my ability.
I understand if you do not want to continue this line of conversation further and will not pursue it.
I understand what you mean, and I do appreciate the feedback I have been given. It's just that when I'm faced with a lot of negativity, it begins to feel frustrating.
I have no intention to come across as gatekeeping or demanding.
