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26895 No. 26895
HALT! If this be your FIRST encounter with th HONORABLE MONONOBE NO FUTOSUHIME, then I SUGGEST you start at the PREVIOUS THREAD - >>26197


--------------------

I, MONONOBE NO FUTO, am of PROUD LINEAGE.

It is through the efforts of MY GREAT ANCESTOR, the 11th EMPEROR OF JAPAN, that the RELIGION of SHINTO, though INFERIOR, was GIVEN one of its GREATEST LITERARY WORKS. Under my FAMILY'S proud REIGN, did SUMO become SPORT, giving kappa EVERYWHERE a WONDERFUL NEW PASTIME. Under my HONORABLE ANCESTOR, did the CONSORT KAGUYAHIME NO MIKOTO, daughter of KING OTSUTSUKITARINE NO MIKO gain her FAME as an UNEARTHLY BEAUTY, and did the tale READ by CHILDREN ACROSS JAPAN come to being.

My NOBLE LINEAGE, though STEEPED in VILE SHINTO, Is responsible for the CREATION of LEGENDS!

DOES THE BLOOD OF LEGENDS NOT FLOW THROUGH ME? HAVE I NOT PRIDE!?

AM I NOT MONONOBE!?

I slam BOTH of my MIGHTY HANDS onto the WOODEN PORCH on EITHER SIDE of my MAGNIFICENT THIGHS, VALIENTLY ignoring the SLICKENED LIQUID SHAME on my FINGERS. I begin to PUSH MYSELF UP, VILE BURN BE DAM-

The HAKUREI yanks my PONYTAIL harder, RAMMING the GOHEI so far DOWN my throat that I can FEEL the BURN in my poor STOMACH. Between the BLINDING PAIN and the VOMIT that EVEN NOW bubbles AROUND the blessed WAND, I feel my STRENGTH LEAVE me. As I FALL back on my RUMP, I am met with a HORRIFYING SIGHT, even through my TEAR-BLURRED vision.

The Hakurei LOOMS over me, like a MONUMENT to ALL of JAPAN'S CREATURES most TERRIBLE FEARS, the SUN, at her BACK, casting her in DREADFUL SHADOW. I cannot FIGHT the HAKUREI. I can only APOLOGIZE to EVERYONE that I've FAILED on this quest so SOON. I prepare to DIE like this, chocking on a MEAGER SUBSTITUTE for a PHALLUS. I APOLOGIZE to his HOLINESS, TOYOSATOMIMI NO MIKO, for NEVER returning HOME. I apologize to TOJIKO, for NEVER TELLING her that, for a SOGA, she's a VERY GOOD FRIEND. I APOOLOGIZE to the FUJIWARA, for NOT FINDING her and being the GREATEST HUSBAND a MAIDEN COULD DREAM OF for her. I APOLOGIZE to GORGAR, for NEVER figuring out her STORY. I apologize to the cute DELIVERY BOY who might have a CRUSH on me for STRINGING HIM along for FREE BOXES for my CAT. I apologize to SEIGA for-

Wait, why am I the one apologizing to SEIGA?

The Hakurei INTERRUPTS my thoughts, her NEVER-CHANGING tone sending SHIVERS through me, from my HEAD all the WAY down to my TOES.

"I'm going to make things worse for you now. Stop fighting or I'll punish you more. Understand?"

I cannot SPEAK, save to COUGH around the WOODEN INTRUDER currently SOAKING in SPIT AND BIL-

The HAKUREI begins SLAMMING the ROD into my throat as though PLUNGING it CLEAN.

"I asked a question. Answer."

She knows FULL WELL that I CANNOT comply! She'll not LET me SPEAK! With no WARNING, however, the GOHEI is RIPPED from my THROAT, causing me to VOMIT before I can even REACT fast enough to VOMIT into the GRASS, or even TURN my HEAD. The RESULTING MESS flies HEAVENWARD for but a MOMENT before it covers my FACE and gets on my CLOT-

My THROAT is CLOGGED by a BURNING GOHEI again.

"I told you to answer me, not vomit. Now answ-"

The Hakurei stops ABRUPTLY, looking PAST my HEAD at SOMETHING behind ME. I hear a SMALL VOICE continue SPEAKING, so quiet as to ALMOST be naught MORE than a THOUGHT.

-j-just... stop! stop hurting her! you're scaring me!

As Reimu STARES at the SOURCE of the VOICE, the GOHEI slowly SINKS DEEPER into my THROAT.

"She paid me."

The SMALL VOICE only just BARELY can be HEARD over my GURGLING.

[i]o-oh. um, then... uh... i'll just be... wait, is she trying to say something?[i]

---

FINALLY! A CHANCE TO SPEAK! I must make my THOUGHTS know to ALL!

[ ] "DAMN YOU, LET ME SPEAK!"
[ ] "I'M [b]SORRY!"
- [ ] And THUS did the MONONOBE WEEP PITEOUSLY.
[ ] Just WEEP. We will not DIE before our MISSION is DONE.
[ ] "Thank you, fair maiden. you have saved me from great shame in my moment of weakness."
[ ] Kiss the Hakurei. Vomitous VENGENCE!
[ ] "I'm hungry."
[ ] "I hate authors."
[ ] Anon? A helpful write-in would be appreciated...

---

You set us upon this path, anon! You cannot resist the Hakurei when it is too late!

Well, you COULD, it's just... Never really wise...


Also, this opener is a REPOST of the OLD thread so I can have it UP for VOTES. I'll count from BOTH THREADS.
>> No. 26896
[x] "DAMN YOU, LET ME SPEAK!"
[x] "I'M SORRY!"
- [x] And THUS did the MONONOBE WEEP PITEOUSLY.
[x] Just WEEP. We will not DIE before our MISSION is DONE.










[x] "I hate authors."
>> No. 26897
[X] "I'M [b]SORRY!"
- [X] And THUS did the MONONOBE WEEP PITEOUSLY.
[X] Just WEEP. We will not DIE before our MISSION is DONE.
>> No. 26898
[x] Kiss the Hakurei. Vomitous VENGENCE!
>> No. 26899
[x] Anon? A helpful write-in would be appreciated...
-[x] Attempt to engage in a SURPRISE DOMINATION of the HAKUREI

WE SHALL NOT BE BEATEN THAT EASILY
>> No. 26900
>puking
nah I'm done
>> No. 26905
Well this took a turn to the nasty.

[x] Anon? A helpful write-in would be appreciated...
-[x] Attempt to engage in a SURPRISE DOMINATION of the HAKUREI

[X] "I hate authors."
>> No. 26906
[x] Anon? A helpful write-in would be appreciated...
-[x] Attempt to engage in a SURPRISE DOMINATION of the HAKUREI
>> No. 26975
[x] Anon? A helpful write-in would be appreciated...
-[x] Attempt to engage in a SURPRISE DOMINATION of the HAKUREI

WELL, this is CALLED!

Writing WILL resume, whenever I can get my MUSE up. Poor girl just WON'T STAY UP and CRAPS OUT when I need her MOST.
>> No. 28370
I, MONONOBE NO FUTO, the MAGNANIMOUS AND MAGNIFICENT, have a MOST marvelous PLAN!

I WHISPER quietly, a SILENT begging for FORGIVENESS. The taste of SUCH WEAKNESS burns my THROAT nearly AS much as the VILE BILE upon MY face. I AM most ASSUREDLY insincere, as THIS is but a PLOY. WHEN the Hakurei LEANS in to lend EAR to my GRIEVANCES, I shall STRIKE.

...

... she does NOT fall for my MASTER plan, settling INSTEAD for glaring in DISGUST!

THIS LEAVES ONE CHOICE!

"This is a SNEAK ATTAAA-"

---

"Tojiko? Does not the winter solstice give you the most wonderful sense of serenity?"

I look up from my fucking book. Jesus fucking christ, I was almost getting to the good part. Not that I'm surprised.

"Not fucking reall-"

My idiot of a fucking husband interrupts me.

Of course.

"Ah, it really is the most wonderful time of year, isn't it?"

I don't bother answering him. If I know the shit stain at all, he'll tell me his stupid little plans and make me go along with-

"Therefore, I have had a most wondrous idea!"

-aaaaand there it is. With the heaviest fucking sigh I could manage, I closed my fucking book as gently as I could.

"Please, your Unholy Cuckness, enlighten me."

Toyosatomimi no Miko was an asshole. A cheating asshole at that. If Cuckoldry had a face, it was his fucking face.

But I forgave that. Grudges get old after a while.

Toyosatomimi no Miko was an asshole. An Ambitious asshole who'd stomp anyone who so much as looked at his empire wrong without a second thought.

I can stand that. He built this empire from it.

But when he looked me dead in the idea and said "We should celebrate Christmas this year" I nearly ripped his stupid, cute hair poofs off.

I kept my voice level.

"You realize Christmas is a holiday belonging to a foreign rival's religion, right?"

Miko was so absorbed in his own little world he didn't even hear my pointed lack of restraint in the cursing department. That was never a good sign.

"Ah, but you see, my genius intellect has already thought up the perfect plan!"

I try not to swing a hook at him and fucking talked instead.

"So, you were thinking about this all night when you should have been sleeping?"

If I wasn't his fucking wife, I wouldn't have noticed that split second the shitheel was caught off guard. He acted as though I hadn't shaken him.

"Of course not! You see, I can simply start my OWN holiday, with myself playing the role of Santa!"

The lightning strike got his fucking attention.

"GENSOKYO DOESN'T NEED CHRISTMAS YOU INCOMPETENT FUCKING DICKSUCK!"

Miko picks himself up from where he was still smoking, trying his best to fucking calm me.

"N-N-Now Tojiko, hear me out-"

Not FUCKING likely!

"KAMITSUMIYA NO UMAYADO NO TOYOTOMIMI NO MIKOTO, YOU DO NOT, WILL NOT AND CANNOT HOST CHRISTMAS, DO YOU FUCKING HEAR-"

"SANTA COSTUMES!"

Did... Did that sack of holy shit just interrupt me NOW? Ohhh hohoho, even HE knows better than to interrupt me when I'm fucking BROILI-

"I'll wear a sexy santa costume!" He bargins.

Wait. What?

"I'll wear one tonight! I'll even get in character for you!"

He MUST be desperate if he's actually offering to wear a costume to bed. He's even on his knees! If he thinks he can sway me with costumes than-

"Are you blushing, dearest Tojiko?"

I AM NOT!

"I AM NOT!"

He's grinning. He's smug and he's grinning. God fucking dammit, just because I'm blushing doesn't mean he has permission to be so fucking smug about it!

He scrambles to his feet and stares me in the eye.

"You're beet red. I'll take it that's a yes, then?"

I grind my teeth and I am NOT BLUSHING.

"YOU ARE A WHORE AND THAT MAKES ME SAD IS ALL!"

He leans in close.

"I didn't hear a no~ Does the idea appeal that much~?"

I...

... he never wears costumes. He never liked the idea of 'anyone but himself conquering these fertile lands', the poetic bastard... He's been much more open to things since he became a girl, though. Maybe he really is changing for the better if he's willing to go THIS fucking far...

I nod.

Our lips meet.

...

... if he skips out on this one, he's not reincarnating this time, mark my fucking words!

---

I, MONONOBE NO FUTO, would RESET my ARM, save for the PROFOUNDLY DISTRESSING fact that BOTH ARMS are DISLOCATED!

An ONI (An HONEST to MIKO ONI) is PROVIDING me comforting HEADRUBS.

I DO not know HOW to FEEL.

---

[ ] PET the ONI back!
[ ] Pet THE oni BACK
[ ] CONTINUE to receive HUGS from the SMALL PRINCESS
- [ ] Wait... Princess?
- - [ ] SEDUCE!
[ ] DON'T make EYE CONTACT with THE miko.
- [ ] DON'T
- - [ ] DO NOT
[ ] The KAPPA is FRETTING
- [ ] ASSUAGE her FEARS! Your ASSBALL is SAFE!
[ ] The FAIRY MAIDEN GORGAR is PLAYING with a QUARTET of FELLOWS. CALL out to THEM.
[ ] The LUST creature is PLAYING with a CUT on MY lip! Suck her finger RESIST!

---

It HAS been a while, hasn't it? I'm back from the dead!
>> No. 28371
[x] The KAPPA is FRETTING
- [x] ASSUAGE her FEARS! Your ASSBALL is SAFE!

I'm assuming we're back to single votes. If not, I'd like to add:

[x] The FAIRY MAIDEN GORGAR is PLAYING with a QUARTET of FELLOWS. CALL out to THEM.

[x] CONTINUE to receive HUGS from the SMALL PRINCESS
- [x] Wait... Princess?
- - [x] SEDUCE!
>> No. 28372
[x] CONTINUE to receive HUGS from the SMALL PRINCESS
- [x] Wait... Princess?
- - [x] SEDUCE!
>> No. 28373
[X] PET the ONI back!
[X] Pet THE oni's BACK
-[X] HUG the oni
[X] CONTINUE to receive HUGS from the SMALL PRINCESS
>> No. 28374
[x] PET Oni
[x] SEDUCE princess
[X] COMFORT Kappa
>> No. 28459
[ x] DON'T make EYE CONTACT with THE miko.
- [ x] DON'T
- - [ x] DO NOT
>> No. 28460
[x] AGGRIVATE the SPACE MARINE
[x] CONTINUE to receive HUGS from the SMALL PRINCESS
- [x] Wait... Princess?
- - [x] SEDUCE!


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