I, MONONOBE NO FUTO, the MAGNANIMOUS AND MAGNIFICENT, have a MOST marvelous PLAN!
I WHISPER quietly, a SILENT begging for FORGIVENESS. The taste of SUCH WEAKNESS burns my THROAT nearly AS much as the VILE BILE upon MY face. I AM most ASSUREDLY insincere, as THIS is but a PLOY. WHEN the Hakurei LEANS in to lend EAR to my GRIEVANCES, I shall STRIKE.
... she does NOT fall for my MASTER plan, settling INSTEAD for glaring in DISGUST!
THIS LEAVES ONE CHOICE!
"This is a SNEAK ATTAAA-"
"Tojiko? Does not the winter solstice give you the most wonderful sense of serenity?"
I look up from my fucking book. Jesus fucking christ, I was almost getting to the good part. Not that I'm surprised.
"Not fucking reall-"
My idiot of a fucking husband interrupts me.
"Ah, it really is the most wonderful time of year, isn't it?"
I don't bother answering him. If I know the shit stain at all, he'll tell me his stupid little plans and make me go along with-
"Therefore, I have had a most wondrous idea!"
-aaaaand there it is. With the heaviest fucking sigh I could manage, I closed my fucking book as gently as I could.
"Please, your Unholy Cuckness, enlighten me."
Toyosatomimi no Miko was an asshole. A cheating asshole at that. If Cuckoldry had a face, it was his fucking face.
But I forgave that. Grudges get old after a while.
Toyosatomimi no Miko was an asshole. An Ambitious asshole who'd stomp anyone who so much as looked at his empire wrong without a second thought.
I can stand that. He built this empire from it.
But when he looked me dead in the idea and said "We should celebrate Christmas this year" I nearly ripped his stupid, cute hair poofs off.
I kept my voice level.
"You realize Christmas is a holiday belonging to a foreign rival's religion, right?"
Miko was so absorbed in his own little world he didn't even hear my pointed lack of restraint in the cursing department. That was never a good sign.
"Ah, but you see, my genius intellect has already thought up the perfect plan!"
I try not to swing a hook at him and fucking talked instead.
"So, you were thinking about this all night when you should have been sleeping?"
If I wasn't his fucking wife, I wouldn't have noticed that split second the shitheel was caught off guard. He acted as though I hadn't shaken him.
"Of course not! You see, I can simply start my OWN holiday, with myself playing the role of Santa!"
The lightning strike got his fucking attention.
"GENSOKYO DOESN'T NEED CHRISTMAS YOU INCOMPETENT FUCKING DICKSUCK!"
Miko picks himself up from where he was still smoking, trying his best to fucking calm me.
"N-N-Now Tojiko, hear me out-"
Not FUCKING likely!
"KAMITSUMIYA NO UMAYADO NO TOYOTOMIMI NO MIKOTO, YOU DO NOT, WILL NOT AND CANNOT HOST CHRISTMAS, DO YOU FUCKING HEAR-"
Did... Did that sack of holy shit just interrupt me NOW? Ohhh hohoho, even HE knows better than to interrupt me when I'm fucking BROILI-
"I'll wear a sexy santa costume!" He bargins.
"I'll wear one tonight! I'll even get in character for you!"
He MUST be desperate if he's actually offering to wear a costume to bed. He's even on his knees! If he thinks he can sway me with costumes than-
"Are you blushing, dearest Tojiko?"
I AM NOT!
"I AM NOT!"
He's grinning. He's smug and he's grinning. God fucking dammit, just because I'm blushing doesn't mean he has permission to be so fucking smug about it!
He scrambles to his feet and stares me in the eye.
"You're beet red. I'll take it that's a yes, then?"
I grind my teeth and I am NOT BLUSHING.
"YOU ARE A WHORE AND THAT MAKES ME SAD IS ALL!"
He leans in close.
"I didn't hear a no~ Does the idea appeal that much~?"
... he never wears costumes. He never liked the idea of 'anyone but himself conquering these fertile lands', the poetic bastard... He's been much more open to things since he became a girl, though. Maybe he really is changing for the better if he's willing to go THIS fucking far...
Our lips meet.
... if he skips out on this one, he's not reincarnating this time, mark my fucking words!
I, MONONOBE NO FUTO, would RESET my ARM, save for the PROFOUNDLY DISTRESSING fact that BOTH ARMS are DISLOCATED!
An ONI (An HONEST to MIKO ONI) is PROVIDING me comforting HEADRUBS.
I DO not know HOW to FEEL.
[ ] PET the ONI back!
[ ] Pet THE oni BACK
[ ] CONTINUE to receive HUGS from the SMALL PRINCESS
- [ ] Wait... Princess?
- - [ ] SEDUCE!
[ ] DON'T make EYE CONTACT with THE miko.
- [ ] DON'T
- - [ ] DO NOT
[ ] The KAPPA is FRETTING
- [ ] ASSUAGE her FEARS! Your ASSBALL is SAFE!
[ ] The FAIRY MAIDEN GORGAR is PLAYING with a QUARTET of FELLOWS. CALL out to THEM.
[ ] The LUST creature is PLAYING with a CUT on MY lip! Suck her finger RESIST!
It HAS been a while, hasn't it? I'm back from the dead!