Eientei and Lunar Capital
Forest of Magic and Flower Fields
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Hakurei Shrine, Human Village and Myouren Temple
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Hakurei Border & Afterlife
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2015/02/09 (Mon) 07:22
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Taking a deep breath, a man stepped up to the tee. His full attention was on the small dimpled ball in front of him. His knuckles grew white as he tightened his grip on the club’s leather grip. Hatred for this stupid game flowed through him, sliding down his arms into the driver he was strangling.
“Just need one good hit...” he mumbled to himself, glancing up to the flag waving in the breeze. He swallowed to clear his mouth and shifted his feet before pulling the club up behind his head. “FORE!” he yelled, bringing the club down on the ball. The swing connected, sending the ball flying through the air, and right into the hole the flag occupied.
The reaction was nearly immediate, the man feeling his heart take off. His first hole in one, done in what would possibly be the most important game of his career. He turned to his companions, smiling from ear to ear. If only he had paid a little more attention, he might have heard the sound of a golf ball being hit in his direction.
The golfer behind the ball was sure his target wouldn’t hear it though. In his experience, people rarely pulled their head from their ass long enough to hear death coming. Even when he was yelling a warning at the top of his lungs, everyone seemed to treat his arrival as unexpected.
“My bad,” the golfer said as he walked up to the new ‘de-bodied’ spirit he had hit. “I’m sure you have a lot of questions for me. Something like ‘What was the meaning in my life?’ ‘Who the hell are you?’ and the ever popular ‘What was the meaning of either my life or life in general?’ but can we save it for the girl back at the office? You’re the last spirit for today, and in a sentence I will never say again, I’m looking forward to getting today’s paperwork done.”
The spirit looked to the man with the nine iron, then to his body, then to the man again, then at his friends who were crowding around them. “Wait, you mean I’m dead? I’m not supposed to die yet!”
“The list says otherwise. Now either take my hand,” the golfer said with a sigh, “or I get to test how sharp my new whetstone makes this.” Before the spirit could wonder what in the world this strange man was talking about, the nine iron grew into a scythe.
The spirit whimpered at the sight of the blade, gave a nervous smile, and offered his hand to the golfer. “Smart choice. Now, hold on tight and whatever you do, don’t look the mon-“ he started, a small jingle cutting him off halfway through his warning.
“I’m going to be back there in less than twenty minutes, why they couldn’t wait is beyond me.” he grumbled, reaching through his pockets with his left hand while the other kept the scythe to the man’s neck. When he found the noisemaker, it turned out to simply have been his phone. “I need to take this, give me a moment,” he said to the spirit, then flipped his phone open. “ Yello?”
“Alexander?” The voice on the other end of his phone wasn’t one he recognized, leaving him a bit confused as to how they had this number.
“That’s me, who are you?”
“My name is Shikieiki Yamaxanadu You’re being reassigned. Enjoy Gensokyo.”
With all the warning and subtly of an elephant, Alex found the golf course vanishing from under him. Before he could get his bearings, he found himself dropped face first onto the ground of an interrogation room.
[ ] “My face…”
[ ] Curse this ‘Shikieiki’.
2015/02/09 (Mon) 19:34
Good to see you trying again! And in such a short time-span too!
With that being said, I feel like this is a good start to a story from a reader's standpoint. Interesting storyline like the previous one. You're goin' places son.
Now, I'm just gonna be that one guy and say, while it is a good storyline and all, be very sure that you heed my earlier advice and be careful not to make the MC a gary-stu. As the saying goes in many meanings, "With great power, comes great responsibility."
You, as a writer will have to keep the MC and yourself in check to make sure you don't dredge off the path you've set yourself. Stay on target, and this will be gooooood.
Now, as for grammar....I'm no writefag, (Yet) But I feel that there were SOME grammar mistakes in here. Maybe a misplaced comma, punctuations. Nothing too big like the last one. But, like I said, I'm no Rab_bit.
Now, as a bit of peer review on the elements of the introduction... I feel like the element of the golfer is a bit out of place... How should I say this... Let's try this.
For a story that revolves around death and collecting souls. The situation with the golfer seemed a bit TOO spontaneous to overlap with the main story. I guess a good analogy would be like adding a plate of vegetables to a meat dish. Not many people will eat it, but there will be some that won't mind. Just something to bear in mind if another situation like this occurs.
Now, for the coup de grace? I didn't check this story out for nothing.
In the interest of a potential write-in I vote for this.
[x] Get up and act as if nothing happened, look around, and if no one is around you, yell an obscenity at your situation.
But, if you aren't taking write-ins at the moment, I'll go with this.
[x] "My face..."
2015/02/10 (Tue) 18:16
I don't really understand those choices.
[x] Curse this ‘Shikieiki’.
2015/02/10 (Tue) 18:48
[x] "My face..."
2015/02/10 (Tue) 20:04
Thanks for the interest and kind words. I'll make sure to keep an eye on the stu thing. The grammar however...
Well I'm just going to have to work on that as I go, and hope my proofreaders have my back.
Wasn't planning to take write-ins this early, but I'll think about it.
Heh, sorry for that confusing options. Still new to this, if the first comment and the mistakes don't make that pretty obvious.
2015/02/11 (Wed) 06:04
[x] Curse this ‘Shikieiki’.
Ah, the beginning of a great working relationship.
2015/02/18 (Wed) 20:37
[ X ] Curse this ‘Shikieiki’!
2015/02/23 (Mon) 20:18
[X] Curse this ‘Shikieiki’.
2015/03/15 (Sun) 05:48
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>[ ] Curse this ‘Shiki Eiki'.
Groaning, Alex had to pull himself off the ground after the rather sudden transportation. It took a few deep breaths to try and let the events process in his head. As soon as everything clicked, the name 'Shikieiki' ran though his head again.
“Freaking silver spoon licking high horse riding son of a -”
At the sound of someone smacking an oddly shaped stick against their hand, Alex paused and turned, looking down to the green haired woman who stood before him.
“Son of a what, Mister Thane?”
Her tone said he had a few seconds left to live if he didn't choose his next words carefully. He chose to shut his mouth, intent on not digging himself into a deeper hole than he was already in.
“Wise choice. Follow me.”
Without much of a choice, Alex followed, hands going into his pockets. He flipped the loose change in his pocket to keep any nervousness from showing on his face, though a few glances showed him he didn't need to worry about it. Anyone they seemed to pass took one look at the woman leading him and got out of the way like she was on a killing spree.
This little green haired woman commands some serious respect.
' Alex noted to himself, watching as the groups parted for them to pass, except for a man in a suit who nearly jumped out of his skin when he noticed she was waiting for him to move. '
Or a hell of a lot of fear.
With a slowly growing sense of doom, he followed the woman into what seemed to be her office, a room populated only by a few chairs and a desk.
“Sit down, Mr. Thane.”
Without a second thought, Thane sat in the chair and lifted his leg, resting his calf on his knee. “I'm going to take a wild guess and say you're Ms. Yamaxanadu?”
The snapping of her odd little stick on the desk nearly sent Thane out of his chair. '
Damn that stick!
“Yamaxanadu is my title, not my name. I am Shiki Eiki, and I will be your superior for the duration of this program. You will -”
“Excuse me, program?”
The cold glare that followed made Thane consider sinking into his chair, and taping his mouth shut.
“Do. Not. Interrupt me. You're part of the Reaper Examination and Assessment Program. Someone is not happy with your performance,” she paused and looked him over once again “Or your behavior, and had you placed in my department until you shape up.
“For the next year, you will be working with me and the other shinigami under my watch. You will stay here at the Ministry until you are able to obtain your own dwelling. You will be responsible for any food you need, as well as anything extra you may require. You will -”
Slowly the speech she was giving him faded into white noise as Thane started thinking. '
Reaper Examination and Assessment Program. R.E.A.P. I musta really pissed someone off to get thrown in this backasswards program. I wonder if they noticed I'm off the radar back home yet.
Another snap of the stick on the desk brought Alex back to reality. “Mr. Thane! What did I just say?”
“Something about my bunk?”
She looked at him for a moment, pondering if he was actually listening, or if he had simply guessed.“Correct. Your bunk is room 213 in the residential wing. The key is your scythe.
“You have an hour before you are expected to meet Komachi in the courtyard. As long as you are here, She is your immediate supervisor, and you will both treat and report to her as such. You are dismissed.”
With permission to leave, Alex nearly jumped up out of the chair. He managed to restrain himself long enough to seem like he wasn't rushing to leave. Getting out of the room, he started to walk quickly away from the office.
[ ] Let's see if this Komachi person is in the courtyard already.
[ ] My bunk sounds nice right about now.
[ ] Well, I have an hour... (Write in.)
2015/03/15 (Sun) 19:25
Good update, I won't focus on the grammar this time and leave it to your proofreaders or others.
Other than that, there's not much to be said. Take it how you like, but I'd take it as a compliment.
As for voting.
[ ] Think back on what you did, try and figure out how and/or why you'd get sent to R.E.A.P. If nothing comes up, ask the local workers about the program and shiki's affiliation with it. Afterwards, drop off your stuff at your bunk and meet up with Komachi.
2015/03/17 (Tue) 05:11
[x] Think back on what you did, try and figure out how and/or why you'd get sent to R.E.A.P. If nothing comes up, ask the local workers about the program and shiki's affiliation with it. Afterwards, drop off your stuff at your bunk and meet up with Komachi.
2015/03/18 (Wed) 05:00
[X] Think back on what you did, try and figure out how and/or why you'd get sent to R.E.A.P. If nothing comes up, ask the local workers about the program and shiki's affiliation with it. Afterwards, drop off your stuff at your bunk and meet up with Komachi.
2015/04/27 (Mon) 04:25
- (149.70KB, 600x635,
>>Think back on what you did, try and figure out how and/or why you'd get sent to R.E.A.P. If nothing comes up, ask the local workers about the program and shiki's affiliation with it. Afterwards, drop off your stuff at your bunk and meet up with Komachi.
After a few moments of careful and calm mental venting, Alex found himself focusing on things that mattered a little more than the new green haired pain in the ass he had to call his boss.
'How'd I even end up here?'
He thought, mumbling to himself as he stalked his way to the bunks.
Alex's thoughts went back to what he had done wrong in the last year of working. Surely they wouldn't punish him for something he did before then.
Ok. Let's see there was the chipmunk in the magic peanut butter incident, that nuclear toaster and the last office Christmas party...
' Alex stopped walking and blinked, imagining the hell that he had brought on that night.
Yeah, any one of those would be more than enough reason to throw me in backass land here.
Alex chuckled and kept walking, eventually finding his way to the apartment like bunks, nestled somewhere between the 'Department of Left Items' and the Mess Hall, some kinda restaurant. He would have to check that out later.
Finding his bunk was about as easy as finding a needle in a sewing kit, the elevator opening nearly in front of his door. After double checking it was the right room, and pondering why he had the only wooden door in the hall, Alex tapped his ring on the lock. He waited a moment as the lock clicked open, and walked into his new home with a smile on his face.
“I love magic.”
After making sure all his things were sitting in his new room, and messing it up to his liking, Alex grabbed a new outfit, shedding his old uniform for something more casual.
Relaxing in the courtyard, Alex took note of how odd some of the people around this 'Ministry' were while he waited for this 'Komachi'. He could have sworn he had seen at least 30 different people with some form of wings, horns, and god knows what else. Elves, fairies, and more had been walking the halls with Alex, making him wonder what this 'Komachi' was like.
“I wonder what she looks like...”
“What who looks like?”
The new voice made Alex jump, turning around and aiming his scythe at the speaker, a tall woman with a deep shade of scarlet hair atop her head. When she saw the scythe she tapped the blade, returning it to the ring form it had taken a moment before.
“Easy, Jumpy. I'm Komachi. I'm guessing you're Thane? Or do you prefer Alexander?“
[ ]Just Alex
[ ]Write in nickname.
2015/04/30 (Thu) 11:45
[x] Just Alex
Couldn't decide between Thane and Just Alex, so I flipped a coin.
2015/04/30 (Thu) 14:37
[x] Just Alex
Reflecting behaviour and mannerisms is the most basic way to build rapport.
2015/05/01 (Fri) 06:48
2015/05/01 (Fri) 19:07
It's a good moniker.
2015/08/01 (Sat) 00:33
>Oogle at Chest, hot damn.
2015/08/01 (Sat) 01:24
-[x] That is to say, Alex.
2015/08/01 (Sat) 04:26
I hate you with the fury of a thousand suns.
2015/08/11 (Tue) 02:04
Ok! Finally back and on track!
After thinking I was dying for a while, I went to the doc and found out I'm not going to die, but I will need a surgery some time in the next month or so. Fuuuun.
That and getting a new job and finishing school is my explanation for why you guys have yet to get anything on this story.
I have a question for you guys though.
Would you prefer first or third person? Cause I find myself constantly having to go back and fix parts where I accidentally switch from third to first. I'll write the next chapter in third, and switch or stay the same afterwards, but I wanted to know what you guys thought.
2015/08/14 (Fri) 14:08
>I will need a surgery some time in the next month or so
Good luck with the surgery.
>Would you prefer first or third person?
I'm not really bothered either way. Write whichever you prefer/is easier for you.
2016/08/10 (Wed) 02:46
...Yeah I got nothing when it comes to excuses.
Life went to hell. Had to go find out a lot about being a person.
I've discovered that I'd become far too concerned with writing well and I lost what made it fun.
I dunno, just felt like those who watch the story and cared needed an explanation.
Saged so no one thinks I'm bringing this story back just yet. I may one day. Maybe.
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