Eientei and Lunar Capital
Forest of Magic and Flower Fields
Hakurei Border and Afterlife
Hakurei Shrine, Human Village and Myouren Temple
Scarlet Devil Mansion and Misty Lake
Youkai Mountain and Heaven
Underground and Makai
not a color we know
Hakurei Border & Afterlife
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2012/09/19 (Wed) 21:20
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You run; your legs push against the ground, each quick step causing the wind to smash in your face, drying your eyes.
You can’t hear them anymore. You don’t stop thought; you slow down a bit, heeding the growing aches in your legs.
It seems you lost them. Still, you should make sure.
You dash ahead and jump; you extend your arm and latch on light post, letting it redirect your momentum for a second before you let go, running full tilt down a blind alley. You grit your teeth and, pushing off the floor with all your strength you run one, two, three long steps up the alley’s wall, grab it from the top and pushing yourself over.
You have a second to look down at the piles of boxes and thrash you remember not being there last time, before a feeling of vertigo warns you that this may not go well.
You land on your feet on an old box which immediately crumples under you with a ‘crunch’; you lose your footing and fall on your arms, which you barely managed to lift to cover your face.
That sucked. Anyway, you’re safe now; you gingerly pull yourself up, wincing as your left elbow throbs but otherwise feeling just fine, if a bit winded.
After checking that you have no serious injuries to speak of, you sit back down on the floor and take a bottle from your bag, drinking from it and catching your breath at your leisure, congratulating yourself from getting away from the ‘Golds’; stupid name.
Not five minutes could have passed before you hear footsteps; lots of footsteps.
With a bit of dread, you remember a little detail; just to make sure, you lift one of your feet and look at the sole of your shoe.
“Now this sucks” you say; the sole is covered in ugly, fresh yellow paint.
You stand up and walk away from the wall as quietly as possible, hoping they won’t hear you and just go away.
“Katsuo!” yells a low, very annoyed voice. “Next time you hide don’t leave a trail! Now get over here and we can do this quickly!”
“Sure goldie!” ugh, you’re bad at name calling, “I’ll be right over!” you said as you walk away, slowly.
“You better do if ya know what’s good!”
You frown, “And what you gonna do if I don’t?”
You can hear the smirk on his face, “I don’t have to do anything! They, on the other hand…”
You actually pay attention to where you’re going. “When the hell did you two get here?!” you say, surprised.
One guy stands some five meters in front of you, holding on to an emergency ladder while catching his breath; there’s also a girl standing a bit closer, glaring at you.
They are both covered head to toe in yellow paint.
“You going down, punk” she says, cracking her knuckles.
You try to salvage the situation. “What for? Doesn’t the color fit your theme?” You’re not at your best today.
The guy snickers between breaths, though. “It’s a bit too… dull… don’t you… think?”
You smile and open your arms “I’ll make sure to add some shiny sparkles next time”.
She slaps the guy on the back of his head without looking. “Last chance, shit-face” she says threateningly.
He takes her by a shoulder and shakes his head at her. “None of that” he looks at you, “we’re not here to hurt you, man.”
“You’re not?” you ask, surprised.
“Nah, we want to help ya, man.” You don’t like where this is going. “Look,” he shows you his palms in an unthreatening manner, “we want to help ya. I know we don’t look like it sometimes, but we’re good guys, okay? It’s just…” he sighs, “people like you, people with secrets and what not, tends to get in trouble, you know? And they also tend to get US in trouble, which is our problem. So why don’t you come with us, we have a chat, and you get that weight off your shoulders, man. We want to help you.”
Well… That’s a speech. And now he’s looking at you, expecting an answer. You sigh tiredly, trying to stave off a sense of uncertainty and maybe a little fear.
No. There’s no time for that; you sure as hell won’t be spilling your guts to them, local vigilantes or nor. In fact, that’s what started this little chase: they saw something they should not have, even if they didn’t realize it.
You close your eyes for a moment and take a deep breath.
Your moment of relaxation is interrupted by a loud ‘thud’ coming from behind; you’re surrounded.
You open your eyes.
In Character knowledge:
If things get too though, you can fall back on your 'ability', which allows you to 'look' at possibilities and to choose one of them, so it will happen. This puts enough strain on your brain to make you pass out more often than not, so you only ever use it with very good reasons (and with a very good write-in); don't rely on it.
If the description is confusing, it's like a split-second Marble Phantasm, but it only allows you to change reality in already feasible ways.
2012/09/19 (Wed) 22:16
[X] Punctuate your dialogue, you Nasuverse wannabe.
2012/09/20 (Thu) 01:19
[x] Fight your way out
2012/09/20 (Thu) 01:23
in medias res
for the people who know how to write. Save write-ins for stories that have established characters and plots. Do us a favor and improve your writing, or don't bother posting again.
2012/09/20 (Thu) 01:28
[X]Jump in the lake.
You should work on improving your writing. The idea is nice though.
2012/09/20 (Thu) 02:30
I don't actually know what the fuck just happened (Was he captured? Was this one of those "jumps"?).
[ ] Talk your way out, WHY are you surrounded? WHO are this people?
-Buy time and make your scape.
-Careful of paint cans.
You need to do something about your style, it's confusing as hell.
2012/09/20 (Thu) 03:26
The MC is running from vigilantes who saw him do something and they weren't supposed to see it. He was in a incident that involved paint which got on his shoes and covered the vigilantes (it implies that he was responsible for the incident and he might have done it to get away). At the moment the group has him surrounded but they are offering to talk it out with him (but they are untrustworthy and you don't want to discuss whatever it is that you want to discuss)
What's happening is pretty clear and he has already started with the characterization of the MC.
The problem is that basically you have no context to put the situation in so it's difficult to get a clear grasp of why things are happening.
[x] Talk your way out, you want to know why they seem so interested in helping you
-[x]Buy time and make your scape.
A little background to what's happening would help here during your next update (a little about the MC, a more broad understanding of these vigilantes and what happen between them that got the MC into this mess). You don't have to reveal ever secret for the story, but you need to reveal enough information to make people either understand better or allow them to piece together the story better.
2012/09/20 (Thu) 08:24
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Get On With It
>What's happening is pretty clear...
>The MC is running from vigilantes who saw him do something and they weren't supposed to see it. He was in a incident that involved paint which got on his shoes and covered the vigilantes (it implies that he was responsible for the incident and he might have done it to get away). At the moment the group has him surrounded but they are offering to talk it out with him (but they are untrustworthy and you don't want to discuss whatever it is that you want to discuss)
Yeah, yeah, okay,
are happening. So what? Why do we care? In another part of the world, a man is waking up, brushing his teeth, and preparing breakfast, mentally preparing himself for another humdrum day at the office grind. Do we care? No.
This actiony stuff? It's the same. None of this matters to us yet, because we don't know why it
. What are the consequences? We may as well vote [X] Jump in the lake, for all we care about him. At least that would be funny.
>... and he has already started with the characterization of the MC.
Characterization my ass. Okay, you have to
to write a completely blank character, but combat banter is a pretty auxiliary way of showing personality. We don't know if the MC values running away and escaping more than silencing these vigilantes, how important he considers this whole affair to be against the danger to his life... there are far too many unknown internal variables for us to be invested in this character yet. For all we know this guy could be a psychopathic serial killer.
And no, hinting at secret abilities is not characterization.
>The problem is that basically you have no context to put the situation in so it's difficult to get a clear grasp of
things are happening.
And expecting readers to make a write-in vote without a clear grasp of
is preposterous and stinks of writer laziness. Write-ins are either for informed, invested anons to add their personal touch to a scene, for complicated decision making, or character generation. Not "you are surrounded what do".
So, ultimately, here's my serious vote:
[X] Get on with it.
You clearly have half an idea of who your character is while we do not. You also clearly have half an idea of a plot. Show us some more of how he thinks, reacts, talks, etc. and some more of why this scene is more important than a routine street mugging before you ask us for an opinion.
Other people have already pointed out that your writing needs improvement. Behold
, and get yourself some help before it's too late. That thread could use some action anyways, it's gotten quiet recently.
2012/09/20 (Thu) 14:00
Who said anything about his ability giving him characterization?
We already see he values running away more than silencing them (he just rationalized that although they saw something they probably shouldn't, they probably don't understand it), and we see that he is responsible for two of them being covered in paint. He's nervous about the situation but he still doesn't want to reveal anything so you can see he feels his secret is more important. Hell he's trying to be a smartass and even he knows he failing at it.
You literally just responded to my point by repeating it in a snide way, basically making it pointless. You would have just been better giving the link and telling him to improve his writing.
2013/03/08 (Fri) 19:55
Imo, just fucking vote first, justify later.
[x] Fight your way out.
2013/03/08 (Fri) 19:56
Well, fuck, my bad. Missed the date.
2013/03/10 (Sun) 08:55
Gee, since when anon is this critical? I've seen a lot of stories like this here and no one complained.
2013/03/10 (Sun) 14:33
It's a good thing, I think. Although that particular post was a little overboard.
If I had to choose, I'd prefer an excess of complaining and critique over a lack of it.
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