Heresiarch from Beyond the Boundry - CH1: Opportunity of a Lifetime DaOrkBoy1992 2021/02/05 (Fri) 17:38 No. 202169 ▼
I awake to the thumping of my head against the train window. I don't even remember falling asleep. Not surprised I dozed off. Work has been been draining the life from me these past few months. Mandatory overtime, garbage wage, and ridiculous quotas are driving me insane. It's a miracle I can even get out of bed in the morning.
"College degree doesn't mean shit." I sigh heavily.
Outside the window, the landscape rolls by and the sun slowly sets. On normal days I'd be arriving home at four in evening but today I won't be home until at least nine. I miss when I had free time. It's hard to even get in a workout when your entire existence is consumed by work. It's a sad state when exercise is the only enjoyable hobby you have.
"Is there anyone sitting here?" I lazily turn my head to the voice. A beautiful, blonde woman, dressed in a purple dress, and holding a parasol stands smiling. I perk up. Women usually don't approach men on trains and women rarely approach me. Her outfit is a little odd though, could be some kind of cosplayer.
"Nah, here let me give you some room."
"Domo arigatou." I'm convinced she's a cosplayer. You don't often hear Japanese where I live. "Hello, my name is Yukari Yakumo. What's yours?"
"Victor Dziedzic, nice to meet you Yukari." We lock eyes momentarily. There's an unsettling amount of intelligence in her eyes. A feeling of unease settles over me.
"Don't look so uncomfortable Victor! I have a question for you. Do you yearn for a better life? Isn't so unfulfilling working a deadend job?" I scoot further away from Yukari in my seat. How could she possibly know I'm unhappy with my job? I scan the car for a way out. I can hear her chuckling. "I have a job proposition for you. Well, not me but a confidant."
"And why should I trust someone I've never met before?" Every part of my being is telling me to run. I have a death grip on my backpack.
"You can go back to living in your rundown apartment with just your computer and mattress. Or you could live in a mansion with opportunities beyond your wildest dreams. Look, I've seen folks like yourself in dead end situations so I give opportunities to those less fortunate." I see a smirk forming on her face. She knows she's struck my weakness. I do want a better life than the one I have. I'm tired of waking up to a miserable existence. I've landed in a rut with no easy escape.
I feel that regardless of my answer, she's already planned out if I say no. I reluctantly accept her proposition. "I don't feel like I have much choice but you're right. I'm living a boring life and do want a better one. I'd hope you'd at least tell me what this job entails."
"As soon as we arrive at the proper stop, I'll fill in on the details as we walk to your new job and residence. In the mean time, why don't you sleep?"
"How can I sleep when..."
(A shameless cross post from my AO3 account. It isn't getting a whole lot of traction since it isn't smut focused. I just wanted to spread it around in more than once place. If you guys like it enough, I'll post all my updates from AO3 to here.)
Anonymous 2021/02/05 (Fri) 19:06 No. 202170 ▼
Well, I don't want to be rude, but the premise of this is something we get quite often here on THP. The advantage those stories tend to have though is that they're interactive and often has a gimmick that will at least keep the story alive until it inevitably dies six updates in.
In your case, I just don't see much of a hook, so I'm not particularly interested to see more, but I wish you luck with your writings.
Anonymous 2021/02/05 (Fri) 19:09 No. 202171 ▼
Not sure what you're looking for in terms of attention, but folks around here don't tend to do much more than lurk a lot of the time. If it's not a CYOA, you're not likely to get a lot of feedback in general, anyway. And even then, you can beg and plead for votes and not get them if folks don't feel like it. Whether that's laziness, a '''cultural''' thing, or '''high standards''' is something that's been debated and shitposted about endlessly.
So, idk, keep moving stuff over if you want — just don't get your hopes up for loads of folks going "wow nice fic OP 10/10 i cum on Orin she hiss at penis" or anything. Just how this place works, mane.
DaOrkBoy1992 2021/02/05 (Fri) 19:19 No. 202172 ▼
No harm no foul my dudes. I really appreciate the honesty. If COYAs are more popular here, I'll leave it be. I may stop back sometime and see what kind of COYAs you guys got hooked up. Not my thing but I'll bite.
Anonymous 2021/02/05 (Fri) 20:08 No. 202173 ▼
[x] call out for tewi
Anonymous 2021/02/05 (Fri) 21:52 No. 202174 ▼
I don't see any harm in posting the entirety of your updates into one thread. Although like others stated, don't expect a whole lot of attention as THP has stalled quite hard since the middle of the 2010s.
Barring general writing issues like missing words in lines and inconsistent pace and potentially out of character personalities already. It's still another story. You can even use the cross posting as an excuse to revise and improve upon it as I know another writer on here is cross posting from here to AO3.
Anonymous 2021/02/05 (Fri) 22:30 No. 202175 ▼
Eh, not much to go on. Cliche premise so far but if interesting stuff follows, then it might be worth reading. Post the other parts if you like but, as others have pointed out, if you're looking for feedback you might not get much of it.
Anonymous 2021/02/05 (Fri) 23:30 No. 202176 ▼
>It isn't getting a whole lot of traction since
... since it isn't very good. The protagonist is featureless, the premise is trite, the characters are lifeless concoctions of fanfiction stereotype, and the interactions therewith are built on unbelievably wishful thinking. I took the liberty of skimming ahead (I had a bit of trouble till I realised you'd misspelt the title) and there is nothing in nine chapters so far which piques in me the slightest modicum of interest—it is absolutely and wholly inert.
I don't mean to be overly critical, but you may want to revise your expectations somewhat.
Anonymous 2021/02/21 (Sun) 07:27 No. 202182 ▼
Real talk though, we haven't had anything in the way of "entry level" stories like this in a while. I think I'd take that over mostly nothing for long periods.