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File 155496785220.jpg - (564.71KB, 1024x768, Pleaaaaaaaase.jpg) [iqdb]
200320 No. 200320
Over the years, and they were many, you have been told a great many lies.

"Fairies are terrifying and will eat you!"

"I'm the strongest!"

"Okay, maybe fairies aren't as scary as I said, but youkai certainly are!"

"I'm totally human."

"I'm totally human."

"No, I'm human!"

"Okay, maybe youkai can look indistinguishable from humans, but they still will eat you at the first chance they get! Seriously, trust me on this, I've been writing about this for generations!"

...Thinking back, most people you know are also terrible liars.

"Is it okay if I eat you now?" The blonde peeks over your shoulder, licking her lips. She clearly assumes that you will let her sooner or later, but for now those bright red puppy eyes aren't doing the trick.

"No."

"Pleaaase?" She give you her best begging eyes, which just makes you roll your eyes as best you can.

You offer her a worm, as you have innumerable times before. "No."

She sucks it up like the world's nastiest ramen. "Ish dat sho?"

"It is, yeah." Missing only one beat, you add, "And don't talk with your mouth full."

"Then I can eat you?"

"No."

"But you said yes!" Upon that maneater's face, a pout sprouts forth, as if that is all it will take to get a yes.

"I was saying 'yes, it is so' not 'yes, go ahead and eat me'."

She lets out a long-drawn sigh, as if you are the one making unreasonable requests here. "Fiiiiiine..." Then again, maybe you are. After all, it's possible that she asks complete idiots the same question, getting a far more favorable answer. However, be that as it may, you've still got a number of years left in your old bones, and you'd rather that they spend them under your wrinkles rather than in less pleasant locales among the detritus of the forest floor.

With her last attempt (if you can even call it an attempt) to eat you for the day over with, Rumia flies off, darkness itself, pure and impenetrable, enveloping her in inky black. You hear the eventual hollow thunk of an impact between the youkai of darkness and a tree, same as usual. You'd think she just wants to lower your guard by acting a fool, but that would best have been capitalized upon decades ago, so you don't even bother looking.

And, same as always, you live. And, same as always, you get another worm and bait your hook. And, just as similar to yesterday and yesteryear alike, you cast your line as you float upon the surface of the lake in your fishing boat. In your youth you might have done more practical attempts at catching fish, such as employing a net, but you've a son doing that. And he has a son helping with that. And, before long, he'll also have a son, and then your son might finally join you on the water. And, further along, you'll be gone, replaced by just your son, and then his son will join sooner or later, and the cycle will repeat over and over. And, like you are doing today and every day, they'll be wasting their days fishing for little return in a boat full of more holes than your wife.

Which is impressive, because she's been in the ground five years now.

You reach for your bottle of sake, pulling the cork with what teeth you have left, and spit it into your collection of spare bobbers. With the alcohol freed from its prison, you take a swig and pass it to your bored childhood friend.

"Can I go yet?"

"Nope. Have some sake for your troubles."

"K."

The ice fairy in your lap takes a swig herself, and then sighs, setting it back with the ice. Some might like their sake hot, or warm or what have you, but you like it ice cold. On a hot summer day like today, there's no better way to cool off than a fairy in your lap and good sake on hand. Well, other than that time that fairy encased you in ice when she sneezed. Seriously, how does that even work...?
Expand all images
>> No. 200321
Interesting but a little out of the left field. Hopefully it goes somewhere and isn't just a one-off post.
>> No. 200322
>>200321

Ohh, it's going places. No idea if it will involve votes, but I'm using this to thereputize myself, so it'll be fun at the very least.
>> No. 200323
>>200322
Best of luck then.
>> No. 200324
Childhood friend fairy in your lap, huh, you sure this shouldn't be in /at/
>> No. 200326
>>200324
Yeah, especially with a title like The Fisherman's Wife. Y'all know which woodblock I'm thinking of right?
>> No. 200327
File 155519137212.jpg - (168.73KB, 1203x1004, Ignore that she's standing.jpg) [iqdb]
200327
It's lazy days like these that you live for, at least for however long you can. Back when you were young, every day was too dull no matter how exciting. "Heh... Remember that time we played a prank on Ms. Kamishirasawa?"

Looking up from under your beard, the fairy simply asks, "Which?"

Honestly? Any, really. ...But there is one that stands out. "The one with the frozen frog in her shoe."

"Heh... And when she picked up that wet shoe, it chose the perfect time to come to, hopping onto her face."

"Could hear the scream from the lake!" You give her your few-toothed grin in return.

"Right?!" She returns it with a grin full of pearls.

While you're distracted, you feel a tug at your pole, and are quick to pull back a slack line. You're left grumbling at the missing bait, not that you lack for worms, but time is something you run short on. You've been having this happening more and more of late. Applying more bait, you send it back out, only to get another tug not a second later. Reeling it in, the hook is empty once more.

Now a bit more chipper, Cirno teases, "Man, someone must be getting their fill." Ohh, you'll give someone their fill alright. You give that little smart alack in your lap a noogie, though she takes it with a giggle, finding great joy in your reaction. Releasing her and grabbing the oars, you begin paddling your way to the shallows. The deeper end of the lake's a mite bit dangerous anyways. Talk of sea monster and worse and all that. Not that you ever much believed that sorta thing. Ohh, sure, you believe in sea monsters, but sea monsters are, y'know... in the sea.

This ain't no sea, no matter how deep it is. Heck, you'd bet one of your precious few teeth on that! ...Not that you'd really want an idiot's teeth if you won, no matter how good a trade they might make with some ambitious magey type.

Now in the shallows, and hopefully not being stalked by any kappa with weird tastes, you begin to rear back, readying to cast your line.

"Cirnooo~" Taking your eyes off the water, you spy Cirno's green-haired friend. What was her name again?

Grinning like a million bucks, Cirno launches into the air, getting a wince from you due to where she launched off of. "Dai!" No, that wasn't it. Somethin' a mite bit longer.

"Cirno!"

Now at eye level, if not foot level, Cirno gives her a big hug. "Dai!"

"Wanna go play?" She gives her smaller fairy friend a giggle, which you don't think is anything alike to a hug, but who are you to judge?

"You bet your ass I do!"

And with that, you find the hot summer day all the more uncomfortably hot, as you've lost your favorite ice pack.

To alleviate that, you take another swig of your sake. ...Not as good without company, though. Pausing for a moment, you get a terrible idea, and get to work, fashioning your spare sake bottle into bait fashioning a noose with some rope to get it secure.

If you're gonna be harassed by kappa, might as well get a drinking buddy in the process.
>> No. 200328
Get fishwife drunk
>> No. 200329
File 155524430597.png - (351.51KB, 582x759, Catch of the day by default!.png) [iqdb]
200329
I paddle back to the depths, parking my little fishing boat dead center in the lake. The moment I chuck the bottle of sake overboard, there was a splash as it got tugged down. But I was ready. I had my feet planted right, and I was fully braced; this little boat would capsize long before I'd get pulled down with it, that's for sure.

Or, well... seconds before, as ain't no bracing good enough to work on water. Not for a human anyhow.

With a roar of effort, my lifetime of toil allowing me this small victory, I put all my strength on the table and then pulled harder still. After a few tugs and a couple attempts at faking her out, I found success, pulling out what was mine, a kappa suctioned to it like some kinda sake leech.

She stares up at me, unblinking.

I just stare back, smug that this somehow worked.

She blushes a little, looking to the bottle and rope, though her lips yet wrapped around the thicker end of it.

I smug that little bit harder, as what was she even gonna do? Seriously, the bottom half is crammed in her mouth like some kinda rat! "Do you always drink sake from that end?"

Doing the most sensible thing, she spits out the bottle, firing back, "Do you always pick up girls this way?" She, however, wasn't letting go by any means.

Giving the bluenette a shrug, you answer, "Works every time, it seems." Haven't exactly tried this before, so not exactly lying. "Still, y'do know that you're supposed to suck the other end, right?" Can't just leave that there. Girl could probably fit her fist in there and then some, and it has you full of the strangest feeling of curiosity. This what outsiders call a train wreck? Maybe a verbal sort.

She just flattens her gaze at your joke.

Changing subjects so as to avoid a deadly game of assgrab with the kappa, you ask, "Care to join me for a drink?" You give her your best grin, which most would just call a wee bit gross.

She doesn't seem to notice the grossness at least. "...Fine, I guess. Better than an oni." You'll take that as a compliment.

Five minutes later, she can barely speak, let alone be understood. She's a very happy drunk, probably, and this pleases you. Not that any of her babbles make a lick of sense, so she could be yammering anti-human crap for all you know, but still.

By the time another hour goes by, and the bottle is dry, everything has become a blur, and then everything is dark.
>> No. 200330
See, you just gotta grab her ass first, easy win.
>> No. 200331
Cute. Probably not cute to be molested while passed out.
>> No. 200332
File 155539650885.png - (8.31KB, 2084x1381, A grue joke wouldn't fit.png) [iqdb]
200332
You groan, a familiar ache in your head and a long forgotten warmth in your arms.

...Seems it was you that played grabass, judging by the stink of rotting fish and smells marginally better, if only comparatively. You give a squeeze and feel a rather lacking squish in your hand, knowing well that softness, if not the source. Though, you do feel it's pretty obvious.

Well, damn. Signs point to you bedding a kappa.

Although, that raises a better question: where are you? It feels like you're in a bed, though it seems oddly jiggly, like some sort of gelatin. You'll need to figure a way out of here, and you'll need to figure it out soon. You can just imagine what a kappa might do to your ass now that you don't have a bottle to shove her way, and doubly so one with a hangover. Women can be a pain in equal parts to the amount of pain they're in, and you have a feeling she might be a woman, and, indeed, will be in pain. And a woman in pain is best dealt with from a distance, lest you get the rolling pin again.

[ ] Forget your clothes and leg it; modesty ain't worth it when your ass is on the line, and you do mean that literally.
[ ] Find your clothes and leg it; you don't want some sort of reputation as a streaker.
[ ] Wake your captor, no matter how bad an idea it seems. Ain't no way you'll be getting out of here blind, and she's probably got a good idea of how to fix that.
>> No. 200333
[x] Wake your captor, no matter how bad an idea it seems. Ain't no way you'll be getting out of here blind, and she's probably got a good idea of how to fix that.

Well, really I'd say just chill until she wakes up on her own but who knows how long that'll take.
>> No. 200334
[X] Wake your captor, no matter how bad an idea it seems. Ain't no way you'll be getting out of here blind, and she's probably got a good idea of how to fix that.

Yeah let's do this. I mean, if she really wanted, then she could have taken it while drunk.
>> No. 200335
[X] Wake your captor, no matter how bad an idea it seems. Ain't no way you'll be getting out of here blind, and she's probably got a good idea of how to fix that.
>> No. 200336
[x] Forget your clothes and leg it; modesty ain't worth it when your ass is on the line, and you do mean that literally.

Not the most sensible choice but, hey, it's there.
>> No. 200337
[X] Wake your captor, no matter how bad an idea it seems. Ain't no way you'll be getting out of here blind, and she's probably got a good idea of how to fix that.
>> No. 200338
[x] Wake your captor, no matter how bad an idea it seems. Ain't no way you'll be getting out of here blind, and she's probably got a good idea of how to fix that.

The fact we're totally blind rules out legging it immediately.
Old man + darkness = Falling over and not getting up.
>> No. 200339
[x] Wake your captor, no matter how bad an idea it seems. Ain't no way you'll be getting out of here blind, and she's probably got a good idea of how to fix that
>> No. 200340
>>200338

Now I'm wondering if we have LifeAlert.
>> No. 200341
>>200340

As the commercial goes, "You made me love you~"

So, surely we do. It just happens to be a kappa.
>> No. 200342
wake her with morning lewds
>> No. 200343
[X] Wake your captor, no matter how bad an idea it seems. Ain't no way you'll be getting out of here blind, and she's probably got a good idea of how to fix that.
>> No. 200344
[x] Wake your captor, no matter how bad an idea it seems. Ain't no way you'll be getting out of here blind, and she's probably got a good idea of how to fix that.
>> No. 200345
File 155585222262.png - (712.67KB, 1120x1300, WHAT WHY WHERE WHEN HOW.png) [iqdb]
200345
You grope about for something less nice, but still local. Sure, you could shake her awake by those, but ain't no way you want that to be her first impression from you in this situation. You aren't dumb, and it's kept you alive this long, so continuing to try and not be dumb would probably keep a good thing going, right?

Sure, waking her up is risky, but so was getting frisky. Doctor's not a fan, saying that your heart's just not up to it.

Well, shows what she knows, right? Not that you have in years, but still.

Now, let's see... Huh? Fabric? ...Probably that hat. Going back to where you were before with a fairly pleasant softness, you find the shoulder based on that. Gripping firmly, you begin to shake her awake. And you shake, and you shake.

But, as far as you can tell, she ain't waking no matter how much she gets jangled about like a rag doll.

This calls for extreme measures. "Cucumb-"

"WHERE?!" Not a moment later, you hear a horrible groan. "Ugh... my heaaaad..." Yeaaaah, that's what you were hoping to avoid. Girl got sloshed, and a youkai with a hangover is almost as scary as your late wife on her period.

Keeping your voice quiet, as you know that having good bedside manners is important now more than ever, you say, "Morning, Miss." You'd normally be less overly polite about these things, but you're kinda in hot water here. And, as you'd like to keep hands from going places they really shouldn't, you need to keep her from getting in a panic and acting rash. Kappa tend to be like that.

And, of course, you hear a squeak just before you hear the sound of rustling fabric. If you had to guess, that was her diving under the covers. "WHO ARE YOU"

"Now, now. Calm down, y'hear?"

"WHY AM I NAKED"

"Miss, calm down."

"WHY ARE YOU NAKED"

"Miss, if you'd start usin' punctuation and pipe down a bit, I'd-"

"WHY AM I ALL STICKY OHH GOD WHY IS MY BED ALL STICKY AND THE CEILING IS COVERED IN- OHHGODWHATHAPPENED"

"Shut up!" She suddenly goes silent. Good. "Now, if you'll just calm down, and talk like an adult, we can-"

You hear a clapping, and the lights go on. You see a rush of green, and notice the bed's now empty and... jiggling? Sheetless, though. Looking behind you, you see a door slam shut. Looking up, you wince at the gruesome state of the ceiling. Last night sure must have been wild, with that mess.
>> No. 200346
>Even the ceiling
The fuck happened last night.
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