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No. 185325
The fae are nervously aflutter with tentative excitement. With the beginning of a new season, there is no surprise to see the fairies emerge from the wilderness. The Eve of Spring is upon Gensokyo. And with Spring comes Lily White, but more importantly comes the Carnival. A most splendid festival where youkai and humans alike don masques and impractically fluffy robes to celebrate the death of winter. With the exception of certain Whiterocks, the residents of the world find great pleasure in the merrymaking of a great but transient season.
What poor, poor saps. I sigh. Another goddamn day in another goddamn story and all I'm doing is setting up some fucking exposition for the opening post. What's next on the list? A lovely introduction to future characters in the story? A brief description of a peculiar item mentioned in passing that turns out to be a grand hook to the plot? So many possibilities. So many ways to embellish a story. So many ways to add unnecessary details to something I don't give an absolute fuck about.
But I need to do them anyway. It's my job as the protagonist and main character. I guess this is where the cruddy infodump happens. I'm sure I'll meet someone who'll conveniently explain to me what's happening. Right?
With a flourish and a twirl of her dress, Yukari Yakumo, expert in both boundary manipulation and cheap plot devices, appears before me. “Hello!” she chirps, eager to deliver key information in the form of dialogue. “Now, I'm sure you're wondering where you are and how you got here, but–”
I give her a little wave, cutting her off. “Sorry Yukari, but could ya just can it and get straight to the good stuff? I don't have a lot of time for this. Every update's gotta finish in a day for thirty days straight, you know.”
She “ahh”s and “umm”s and worriedly chews on her thumb, recollecting her thoughts. “Well, alright. You're here to solve the incident.”
“And just what is the incident?”
Yukari folds her arms together and pensively paces back and forth. “Strange... I'm not actually sure. I could have sworn that I knew.”
“Great, this is just what we needed. Another aimless story,” I mutter. It's bad enough that I have convenient amnesia. How am I supposed to progress when the fucking youkai of exposition has no idea what's going on? “Well, thanks anyway. I guess I'll figure it out on my own as the only competent character in this god-forsaken world.”
Yukari, sullen and defeated, disappears into the darkness of her gaps. “Sorry,” she says, before fading into nothingness.
So. That settles the exposition. But where am I? I wish I knew, but there's been no description of the sort. God dammit, author, get it together!
The background explodes into a myriad of colors, each bringing hues of green, brown, blue, and all the other shitty colors that humans and youkai are able to perceive. The colors melt into distinguishable features that turn into a clusterfuck gestalt of the human village. Took the author long enough.
Sadly, I've run out of time. I'm nearing the end of the update. It's now my turn to play the marionette to the readers' shitty CYOA opera. I really hope you guys don't fuck it up like every other time we have a choice to do something.
[ ] Be an asshole and have me jump into a lake.
[ ] Not be an asshole and have me enjoy the Carnival hubbub.
[ ] Be in-between and have me figure out what the fuck this incident's about.
[ ] I don't know, surprise me. (THIS IS A WRITE IN IF YOU DIDN'T UNDERSTAND, DUMMY)
[x] Not be an asshole and have me enjoy the Carnival hubbub.
If this is another aimless CYOA, then you're picking a Touhou, projecting things onto her and making your OWN fucking objective.
Go to the carnival, meet Momiji, have a sappy story, make every other woman you meet cry, don't even consider MOST-RECENT-TOUHOU-GAME-TITLE-HERE, make babies and FUCKING LIKE IT.
[x] Not be an asshole and have me enjoy the Carnival hubbub.
Oh. You're not gonna have me jump into the lake? What an unexpected and pleasant turn of events. How fortunate of me. I didn't bring my swimwear anyhow. Of course, you'd expect me to throw out a bad end if I just threw myself into the lake, right? You still have the power to do that but you're gonna have to wait until the end of this update.
I'm grumpy? Hah. Grumpy is a gross understatement. I might be the main character of this story, have to learn a few life lessons along my perilous quest, and become a better person after my journey... but I don't have to – and I won't – enjoy a single second of it. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it understand these shitty analogies that are ruined by long digressions and a rambling protagonist.
Anyway, my name is...
[ ] Mina
[ ] Nina
[ ] Gina
[ ] Shiina
[ ] Cheryl
[ ] Vague androgynous name
Hey, just wait a god damn minute, you fucks. We can't just drop in a choice 154 words into the story! Think about the pacing. I know we have to update once a day, but we have standards. Plus, I have a name, thank you very much. It's Macha, short for main character.
...I know you're laughing. I didn't name myself, okay? So sue me. Anyway, I have better things to do. Carnival things. Fun things.
The village seems to be bursting with activity, now that I draw reader attention towards it. Each and every stand is at maximum capacity. Humans and youkai alike wear masks, taking part in the festivities in colorful kimonos. Aside from the tails, the fluffy animal ears, and various key appendages, there is practically no way to tell human from youkai.
Keine, fit in a floral blue kimono, waves to me gently from the entrance. Her hair's tied back in a well-kept ponytail. “Macha. I trust you've been well?”
She smiles like she's familiar with me. Everyone in Gensokyo does this, acting like they've known me for years. Ehh, what can I do? I'm the mysterious fated protagonist, whether I like it or not. “Been better. I've been called to go investigate an incident. However, I realized that the Carnival is a lot more fun than that rubbish so I'm here now. And you?”
“I've been busy looking over the visitors we got for the Carnival.” Keine giggles and hands me a fox mask. “Do try and take it easy. I know how proficient you are at getting yourself into trouble.”
“Not my fault,” I say, twirling the mask around my finger with its strap. “I happen to be a victim of circumstance.” The real troublemaker here is the author, but I'll keep my mouth shut for now. Only you, the reader, get to hear my inner thoughts. Be grateful. “I'll see you around.”
“Don't be a stranger~”
After a quick goodbye to Keine, I shuffle my way around the village. From the center of the plaza, I find a clear view of a scene that I, the protagonist, should jump into. Lily White and... what's her face. Aki? Shizuha? Minokori? I can never remember. They look like they're going to fight.
“We look like we're going to fight!” Lily exclaims. Truly, the master of detail.
“White,” seethes whichever autumn goddess she is. “You're just asking for it, aren't you?”
“I'm telling you! Fall is basically a sadder, duller spring!” she giggles, twirling around excitably. Her skirt twirls along with her. “I'm preaching the truth! You just can't handle it!”
“Autumn is a wonderful season and you should feel disgusted for even tarnishing its name.” The leaf-lady jabs an accusing finger at the fairy of spring.
Lily, in return, gleefully cackles. “Autumn is the season for dumb, dead trees! How is that even cool? Leaves falling? BOOOORING!”
“Alright, you cheeky little fae!” roars the autumn goddess. “Let's settle this right here, right now.”
The drawn out verbal waltz ends and the two idiots fly straight into the sky, drawing their spellcards. It's not a Carnival until danmaku fills the afternoon sky with vibrant colors. And, being the protagonist that I am, I'll do the right thing and watch the pretty danmaku patterns.
Wait, you want me to do something? Oh, man. You guys want me to be the hero, huh?
[ ] Be “heroic” and get me to do your dirty work.
[ ] Be cowardly and have me run away from the scary magic bullets, even though you're not the one getting shot at.
[ ] Have me watch the show. Free fireworks. (This is the right choice)
[ ] Have a better idea, punk?
[X] Be “heroic” and get me to do your dirty work.
Yeah! You're under our control, Macha!
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[x] Be “heroic” and get me to do your dirty work.
...Really? I mean, I knew you guys were going to be wishy-washy, but you bumbling idiots couldn't even agree on a single choice? A coin-flip tiebreaker. How inept can you dimwits be? And just to clarify, I'm not flat. I'm just... hey, fuck you, pansy.
On the bright side, I don't have to go and buy something to eat. I don't even like those disgusting chocolate covered bananas anyway. Guess I'll go and be a hero now. I put on my mask and fly up to join the imbeciles and their danmaku play. I don't like being nice because it puts me on edge, but for the sake of the story, I'll do it.
“Hey guys,” I start. Try and be a hero. A nice one. It's not easy – being nice ain't my forte. Being mean is more up my alley. “Let's try and be nice now, yeah? We have the Carnival going, so why don't we just fly down and–” I dodge a stray bullet. “–get some food?”
I'm ignored by the two fucks. Looks like their little squabble is more important than my words. I'm not agitated. I'm not agitated. I'm NOT AGITATED. “Yo. Guys. Seriously. Let's just settle down and be friendly and stuff. Love and peace.” A speeding danmaku pellet clips my mask and slices the strap off. It freefalls all the way down to the ground and explodes into a million pieces. There's no saving it now. I twitch. I switch. And I am GOD DAMN ANGRY. “YOU FUCKING SHIT-TORNADOES. CAN YOU LISTEN TO ME OR DO I NEED TO BEAT THE EVER-LIVING FUCK OUTTA THE TWO OF YOU FIRST?”
My outbursts are so loud that the pages rustle from the bindings. The story pauses abruptly. All eyes are now trained on me. I fume one last time and exhale deeply. Lily White and the autumn goddess are frozen in place, not even daring to breathe in my presence. Shizuha. She's Shizuha. The blood pumping in my system got me to remember. “Anyway,” I remark, putting on my sweetest smile. “Could we please stop fighting? It'll make me really happy.”
They both mumble “sorry”s and hang their heads down low. Yep. I'm a hero, alright. I impatiently motion for the two of them to approach me. Once they're both in arm's reach, I drag Lily and Shizuha by the collars of their shirts, floating back down to the village. Mission accomplished.
Keine comes running with the most exasperated look I've ever seen on anyone. “Macha, sometimes I wonder whether you have a natural affinity with mischief. Please, I do really mean it when you should take it easy.” She smiles warmly and offers me another fox mask. “I think you need to enjoy yourself for the time being.”
I let my two victims go and begrudgingly take the mask from her hands. “Yes, well you know how terrible I am at that.”
“I do. Make a serious effort, please,” she chides, laughing softly.
“Well they started it,” I protest. I was just following orders, so it's not my fault. Dammit, readers, vote better!
For the sake of getting this update done, the wind conveniently guides a lone flier straight to my face. Damn Chekhov. I take a look at the annoying little thing. It reads: “Last Day Carnival Festival! Nothing suspicious or foreboding about this! Definitely not a plot device!”
Now that's just silly. Why did they even bother putting that last line in? “Keine. Would you look at this? Hah. 'Definitely not a plot device!' How ridiculous.”
Keine takes a look at the flier and tilts her head. “What do you mean? It's the celebration for the last day of the Carnival.”
“Hmm?” I glance over the flier again. Still reads the same. “Do you not see this? It says, 'Last Day Carnival Festival! Nothing suspicious or foreboding about this! Definitely not a plot device!'”
She squints at the flier once again. With a shake of her head, she frets, “I'm afraid not, Macha. It only reads, “Last Day Carnival Festival!' for me.”
Interesting. This might be an incident after all.
[ ] Be dumb and have me start investigating now. (RED HERRING ALERT)
[ ] Be smart and let me enjoy the rest of the Carnival today.
[ ] Be a cheeky fuck and have an obligatory “WHY NOT BOTH?” option.
[x] Be smart and let me enjoy the rest of the Carnival today.
This story reminds me of that strip about a girl who was born prime main character material, but she wants to live a normal life and tries to avoid all the plot devices she finds in her way.
>>185413 Whoops. I might have made some assumptions based on the fact that it's a meta-parody. And failed to read carefully. I should really not do those things.
Come on. I even helpfully put a little aside on the choice that it's definitely a red herring. But now that I mentioned it's a red herring in the story, it's not a red herring anymore. Ooh, tricky. But since the story just goes and hands me a clue, I might as well be an obedient main character and go investigate the matter. I scan the area. Looks like nothing is out of the ordinary. Incident resolved. Back to the Carnival!
...What, that's not good enough? Fine. Have it your way. I flip the flier over, hoping for a lead. Thankfully, the story gives me one. On the back, written in thick marker, a big statement covers the flier: “MISTY LAKE -- 8 P.M.” A clue! A well-timed clue! With this, I don't have to investigate until the Carnival's winding down. It's the best of both worlds. If you're done investigating fast enough, you can make it back in time for the festival.
Maybe I'll go take Keine's advice and take it easy for the rest of the afternoon. I head over to Mystia's stand – some grilled eel would be nice.
I take a seat right at the front of the stand. Mystia's eyes light up at the sight of a familiar face. Namely, mine. “Macha!” She squeals in delight, smoothing out the wrinkles in her apron and adjusting her hair. Her pink, wavy locks are tucked under a bandana. Two gray eyes shimmer behind the fire of the grill. “How nice of you to visit me! You look absolutely love~ly in that kimono.”
“Oh, shut up you dumb bird. You're not getting extra from me.” I roll my eyes at her. “I don't even know why I still come here. I get terrible service.”
“You don't have to be shy,” she grins, eagerly cooling me with her hand-fan. “I know you can't have enough of the best grilled eel in Gensokyo.”
“That's because you're the only one who makes grilled eel in the first place.” I wave her fan away. “Give me grilled eel over rice.”
She rolls up her sleeves and gives me a wink. “Coming right up!”
The day's nice. I close my eyes and bask in the sun, letting the sounds of the sizzling grill and chattering of the Carnival crowd wash over me. I relax and droop down on my seat. Only the sound of a bowl clacking on top of the stand's table stirs my brief moment of rest. I peek an eye open.
Mystia's dreamily staring at me, cupping her cheeks with her hands. “Have a good nap?”
“No, but thanks for staring.” I grab some chopsticks and bring the bowl closer to me.
“You're welcome.” Mystia bats her eyes and flutters her wings. “You know, Macha, you're very pretty when you're not frowning.”
“I know, it's a big fault of mine.” Just what the readers needed to hear. Now you guys know that I'm smart, important AND pretty. Let's face it, I'm a Mary Sue. “Every day, I'm reminded of how great I am. It's a curse.”
“Ehehe, whatever you say.”
I shrug, stuffing myself with delicious eel and rice. Food is good. Life is good. My mind wanders around to the seasons. After the fight between Shizuha and Lily, the seasons have been on my mind. “Mystia. You have a favorite season?”
Hmm, yeah.” She twirls her finger around a stray pink lock of hair, thinking about her answer. “It's definitely spring. The flowers start to blossom and the sun finally gets to touch the morning horizon. The warmth in the air reminds you that a new year is coming~”
“Nice.” I finish the rest of the bowl. “I didn't peg you to be a romantic, to be honest.”
She blushes and plays with her two pronged fork skittishly, giggling. “Oops. I said too much.”
I stand up, handing her a few coins for the meal. “Thanks for the food. Good talk and happy spring.”
“Come again, Macha!” The sparrow leans in for a hug.
I dodge. “Sure.” And since nothing eventful happens until 8 P.M., I'm going to time-skip. I'm sure I had fun during the rest of the Carnival. I head over to Misty Lake. From the base of the lake, an ominous fog is brewing. That's a clear indicator that an incident is happening. Any time some kind of vision obscuring happens in a scene, there's bound to be some kind of mysterious reveal. Three shadowy figures appears from the lake. A boss, maybe? That's two bosses too many.
“Haha, it was me who led you to this trap!” Fairy wings. Fairy dress. Annoying fairy laugh. It's fucking Sunny Milk. God damn fairies. She cackles in an attempt to be menacing. “Now I got you!”
I narrow my eyes at the fae. Immediately, the other two fairies behind Sunny Milk inch back. “For what, exactly?”
“Eh?” The fairy starts mumbling to herself. “Weird... I can't seem to remember the reason why. Why can't I remember? Wait, wait, I think I got it!” She clasps her hands in triumph. “It's... to waste your time! Probably? Yeah, that must be it! The festival is going on as we speak and you're going to miss all of it!”
“So,” I try my best to keep my gaze level. I'm failing at it. The other two fairies start scampering away. However, Sunny Milk's oblivious about what's to come. “Are you fucking serious? You wasted MY time because of some kind of shitty prank?”
“Um, w-well–”
“My Carnival time? Time I won't get back?”
“...Yeah?”
“WELL THEN. I SUPPOSE WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT, HUH?”
[ ] HOLD ME BACK, READER
[ ] DON'T HOLD ME BACK, READER
GOOD. We're on the same page then. You know how much I appreciate my no-bullshit time. This is quickly approaching unsustainable fuckery levels. I take a step forward. Cirno responds by retreating up into the air and throwing out a spell card. I didn't pay attention to the name because I couldn't give enough of a fuck to read it. “Alright, you shithead, I hope you're fucking ready.”
“Stay back!” She whimpers, exploding into a flurry of danmaku. “You're messin' with the wrong fairy!”
“Cirno. We can do this the easy, humiliating way or the hard, even more humiliating way. This is your choice.” I give her five seconds to drop her danmaku and accept her fate. She doesn't reply with words. “Suit yourself then.”
I blast through the air, slipping through the bullets raining down on me. Each and every icicle grazed gets me even more aggravated. The cluster of bullets gets denser and denser but I don't care anymore.
“Waaaait!” cries the fairy. “You're supposed to be shooting danmaku! Why are you charging at me?”
I weave between the tight space of ice shards, until I get close enough to reach out and deliver fucking JUSTICE to Cirno. Then, with the power of because-I-said-so, I punch through the spell card and grab her by the back of her shirt. “I. Fucking. Got. You.”
“Mercy! Meeeeeercy!” she weeps, begging for my forgiveness. Cirno wiggles around helplessly in my clutches. “I'm sorry I wasted your time! I swear it was a harmless prank! I don't even remember why I did it in the first place!”
“Okay,” I sigh. “Maybe I did overreact. Maybe I was being a little too critical. After all, the Carnival will come again next year. I forgive you.”
“R-Really?” she sniffles. Her eyes lighten up at the prospect. How cute.
Then, giggling softly, I reply, “NO, YOU FUCKING DIMWIT. YOU WASTED MY TIME.” Then, with a full-force swing of my arm, I chuck Cirno down below and SLAM DUNK her so hard into the water, the shores flood. Gods, how frustrating. Not only did I not make any progress investigating the incident, but I also missed the festival. The story is careening towards EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE quickly.
To further the plot, Reimu comes floating along nonchalantly. Even she's in a kimono. Party on, Carnival. To be honest, I thought she'd half-ass her attire and wear her usual shrine maiden outfit today. “Oh, it's you. I knew I saw something over at the lake.”
“Yeah.” I sigh. The anger quickly turns to lethargy. “I was incident-hunting and thought I found a clue. Turns out it was just a prank by Cirno. Wrote a sneaky little message behind the festival flier.”
“Interesting.” Reimu turns her head towards the lake below us. The miko's always been a perceptive girl. “You'd think she would call you out here directly instead of something so convoluted.”
Cirno resurfaces, finally emerging from the depths of Misty Lake. She is defeated – I can clearly see it in her down-turned eyes.
“Now, what are you?” I yell to the fairy.
“Miserable and sorry,” she moans.
“No, you're a nimrod. Now, what are you?”
“...A nimrod.” Cirno doesn't even have the will to fly out of the water, so she continues wading in the lake.
“One more time,” I command.
“I am a nimrod,” she whines.
“Um.” Reimu raises her hand. “Just what are you doing?”
“Serving justice,” I reply back. And justice has been served. Anyway. I think I'm done here. I got the anger out of my system. Where to, ya idiots?
[ ] Get me to tag along with Reimu.
[ ] Have me go back to my home in the human village. More world-building and boring stuff.
[ ] The festival might still not be done. Let me check it out. (VOTE ON THIS PLEASE)
[ ] Dumb, wordy write-in
[x] Consider for a moment how the fairy was Sunny Milk in the last update and Cirno in this one. Maybe you're losing your mind? Maybe you're on some kind of shady drug trip? Maybe you're an unreliable ass of a narrator who should be a little more observant next time?
[x] ...
[x] The festival might still not be done. Let me check it out. (VOTE ON THIS PLEASE)
[x] Ponder the sudden shift in the faeries antagonised and what it could possibly mean in relation to this incident.
[x ] Have me go back to my home in the human village. More world-building and boring stuff.
[ ] The festival might still not be done. Let me check it out. (VOTE ON THIS PLEASE)
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OKAY, SPECIAL SECOND UPDATE BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON ANYMORE.
It's the author's fault. Wait, no. I was the one describing the scene. Even though the author is technically writing all this down... dammit! It's your fault, guys! How dare you impose such strict rules on updates. Do you think I can just shit out reliable narration when I'm so pressed for time?
Wait, no.
...I'M NOT BACK PEDALING, OKAY?
ALRIGHT FINE, IT'S ALL MY FAULT, I'M SORRY, PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES. Fairies are confusing. There are so many of them, holy shit. They have wings, are annoying as hell, and give me more trouble than it's worth. Sunny, Cirno, whatever!
Oh. Hold on one second. I knew it was Sunny Milk. After the intermission, I forgot and assumed it was Cirno. Consequentially, the antagonist became Cirno. And then Cirno became the recipient of my anger. Not Sunny. In my rage, I forgot all about who was what. Then where'd the other three fairies go? Hoooly shit, no. I've become an unreliable narrator. How filthy. Fuuuuck, how embarrassing.
I'd like to retcon please. Let's all just pretend this never happened. But I can't. As much as I don't want to admit it, this might be a part of the incident. I know I'm strong. However, I didn't think I was “alter the reality of the entire story” strong.
I close my eyes and think about Marisa. I try imagining Marisa to have been here instead of Reimu. Would that work? I open my eyes. Reimu is clearly still there, staring at me in confusion.
“You have a migraine or something, Macha?” She adjusts her hair bow while waiting for my response.
“No,” I mutter in disappointment. “It's nothing.”
“Alright.” Reimu, with no other reason to stay, floats off back to the Carnival. “Do try and be nice to the fairies. Don't bully Sunny too much, okay?”
“Yeah, yeah, whateve– hold up a sec, did you just say, 'Sunny'?” I hold my breath. I'm not sure if I misheard that or not. I'm... pretty fucking confused now.
“Yeah. Sunny Milk.” The shrine maiden points down towards the lake. “You just made the fairy call herself a nimrod. You've scared the other two away with that. I'd tell you to apologize, but I don't really mind a little roughhousing.”
“...Oh.” I numbly nod my head up and down, processing the information.
“Stay safe, Macha. I don't know what, but I think trouble's a-brewing. Shrine maiden's intuition.” The miko returns back to the Carnival, flying away.
“Yeah.” I'd say something about expository somethings or plot devices, but I'm still stunned from what happened.
Damn. I don't know whether or not the festival vote won or not but I'm not feeling up to it right now. I'm going home. I don't even care about the fairies anymore.
I'm going to avoid all descriptions of how I got to the house because I want to get back home as soon as possible. Here, have a generic description about flying to the human village and background information. I plop down on the bed. I narrate the story. And I'm done for now.
Don't feel like making choices right now. Sorry guys.
Hey, readers. Looks like Macha's not having a good time right now. Cheer her up with some nice comments. Or don't. You could even berate her, if that is what you want.
Hi, Macha. Feeling down right now? That's cool, I can understand that. So, I don't actually know what you're supposed to look like. Female, obviously. But beyond that, It's all up to my imagination. So I picture you with a nice ass. A shapely, spankable ass. One that looks great when you do incident-resolving stuff. Mmm, yeah.
So like, cheer up, okay? And do more of that incident resolution stuff. For the sake of my imagination, and my mental image of your amazing ass.
Sorry I pointed that continuity error out, hope it didn't upset you too much. The author that is. I just thought it was kind of amusing and felt the need to comment on it.
>>185480 I've been there too. Things are out of your control, and it just sucks. Sometimes you just want to scream, and other times you just want to curl up and wait to die. God knows, I've done my fair share of both.
I think my good friend Bob put it best when he said you gotta have dark to have light. You're gonna look up and see that better times have poked their way through the bad ones. You can make it. You just have to accept that maybe today wasn't so good. That doesn't mean tomorrow won't be better.
Being the main character of a story can be tough, that's understandable. People all expect different things from you just from your role. Still, life is what you make of it so try and look on the bright side of it.
Alright, alright. Fiiiiine. I heard you guys. Maybe you all are right and I'm just overreacting like a little bitch. I know I shouldn't be too upset with it but... it's my story. I want to make it as perfect as possible. You guys understand, right? To polish and work at your story until it becomes great... I want that to happen. Guess I'll have to toughen up a little and get over it.
Yeah. You know what? You're right! I'm Macha, the protagonist! I can't let something as silly as a dumb continuity error get me down. I'm going to go enjoy the Carnival and see the rest of the festival. I think I can still make it in time. I'm in charge of this story, and it's going to run the way I like it.
...I mean, well, your votes are appreciated too. As are your comments. Okay but the shit with my ass, though? That's a no-touch policy. Both literally and metaphorically. I don't care how right you guys are about how shapely and fine my ass is, it's still not something we're going to talk about. And we're definitely not going to discuss how well my kimono fits my figure, no matter how much it accentuates my curves!
I'll just humor you all and go back to the Carnival, hips swaying and all that jazz. I take a brisk walk back over to the center of the village and veer into Carnival territory, just on the outskirts of the place. Looks like the Carnival's winding down. The stands are closing up shop and celebrations are at an all time low. No festival in sight.
THIS STORY SUCKS GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I still can't believe I missed the beginning of the festival because of Cirno. Fuck, I mean SUNNY. Maybe I could try and alter reality again by retconning - then I wouldn't have to miss the festival. Wouldn't that be nice? And here I am, standing in the aftermath of everything that was fun and cool only an hour ago. If only I could stop that incessant banging of the drums that's blasting right in front of my face.
Wait. What? The crowd's all riled up. There was no crowd before. Raiko's beating on her taikos. There were also no Raikos or taikos previously. Meaning...
Hell yeah. Retcon, baby. Story got immediately less sucky. I decide to steer away from Raiko's main show and browse the stands. Hungry again. Hey, a growing girl's gotta eat, right? I make a dash to the nearest takoyaki place because... takoyaki. I plop myself over on the nearest seat and make an order for some to go. I pay for my meal and run around with a plate of takoyaki in hand, wandering aimlessly through the festival. It's only a matter of time before something advances the story, anyway.
And behold, Reimu comes along conveniently. “Hi there, Macha.” She's munching on a chocolate-covered banana.
What poor taste. I plop a takoyaki ball in my mouth. Ow, ow, ow. It's fucking hot. “Hey. What's going on, Reimu?”
“I'm hungry.” She quickly finishes the rest of her snack. “You?”
I jab some takoyaki at her. “What do you think?” Ya know, I'm curious about the retcon thing. Maybe I should ask her about it. Then again, I would also like it if the story doesn't unravel before my very eyes again. I'll take the risk anyway. “Hey. Reimu. Do you know if anything happened nearby the lake today?”
“Nah. Haven't bothered to go there at all,” says Reimu. “Though, you really shouldn't bully the fairies too much.”
“Huh?”
“What?” replies Reimu. “Did I say something weird?”
“You did.” Now, why would Reimu say that? I'll ask her one more time. “Can you repeat what you just said?”
“Yeah. I told you that I didn't bother to visit the lake today.” She grins and swipes some takoyaki from me. “Anyway, I'll take these as payment for my answer.”
Damned shrine maidens. Well, I'll forgive her wrongdoings this time. Reimu did clue me in on something.
[ ] Get me to seek out Cirno. (THIS)
[ ] Have me go find the three fairies (This works too)
[ ] Let me try and find someone more knowledgeable about this time-warp business.
[ ] Irrelevant choice 1
[ ] Irrelevant choice 2
[ ] Second tier choice that will never win but will be voted on.
[ ] Do we have enough choices yet?
[x] Second tier choice that will never win but will be voted on.
Your punishment for trying to reset the Canon Main Character. Don't think we didn't notice how Reimu isn't entirely affected by your status as main character.
Pleb tier tastes if I may be quite honest my good sir. Macha needs a firm yet gentle hand to quell her rebellious heart and turbid soul. Not to mention certain...other parts of her that may require a firm hand from time to time. I think we can all agree KeinexMacha is the only OTP here.
No no no a thousand times no. Macha is MOST CERTAINLY a bottom. Her "tough girl" act is mearly a defensive mechanism to hide her soft, vulnerable soul. The moment she slips up and gives us a character development option, we need to be quick and decisive in forcing some dere dere to compliment her tsun tsun.
Really? Are you guys serious? You voted for the choice that wasn't supposed to win? Guys, nobody plans out the second choice! You all need to vote for the obvious plot progression choices or the story won't move! I haven't thought out where this choice goes. Morons, the lot of you. Was your plan to get chastised by me? Well, it's working you ninnies. I can't trust you all to do anything right. I swear, none of you can even focus on what's important. Namely, me. No, I didn't mean it like that, gods, stop it with the shipping.
Fuck it, I'll go drive the plot myself. There seems to be a commotion in the center of the plaza, so I'll just head over and investigate. Barging through the people, I yell out, “Anybody know what's happening? It's an incident, isn't it? It's definitely an incident.” Maybe if I push the story enough, it'll turn into some kind of fantastic event for me to intrude on.
A set of cat ears perk up at the sound of my voice. “Uh. No?”
“...Oh.” I dip my head, grumbling to myself, “Yeah well, don't fault me for trying. I'm just doing my job, you know? It's the story's fault.”
Chen dips out of the crowd, running over to me. “I didn't hear quite what you said. Anyway, whatcha up to, Macha?” The girl's in a flowing red kimono, tied back to accommodate for her smaller figure. She's wearing a well-polished, pink-and-white floral hairpin, a much more elegant headpiece than her tacky green cap.
“You know, the usual none-of-your-business,” I respond, flattening my gaze at the cat.
“So harsh.” Chen leans forward and smiles, swishing her tails around. “I only mean well.”
“I'm sure you're an angel.” Though I'm not too tall myself, I'm able to look down on Chen and fluff up her hair.
She glances at me irritably, but otherwise does not resist my fluffing. “You should know that a lot of cats don't like it when their head is touched without warning.”
“What about you?” I press my luck and lift my hand up again.
“I feel the same.” But Chen, in a manner that only cats could replicate, lowers her head haughtily to accept my head pat. “However, I'll make an exception just this once, Macha.”
I can't help myself. Her hair is really soft and fluffy. “I'm almost flattered.” Oh wait, shit. I almost forgot why I came here in the first place. The prospect of cat petting distracted me. “Anyway. Why was everyone gathered here?”
“They're cleaning up, now that the Carnival's over.” Chen points over to the crowd. “Once they finished cleaning up their stands, the humans need to check off their names on a list over there. Then they can leave.”
“That's it?” Isn't there supposed to be some kind of incident? Man. This is really annoying. As the protagonist, I don't have anything to work with. “How disappointing.”
“Yeah.” Though her face remains calm, Chen's ears droop slightly. She brushes aside the stray locks of hair and fiddles with her hairpin. “Really bums me out. Went to siesta for a bit and woke up to the evening. By then, the festival was already over.”
Well shit. Poor Chen. She's in the same boat as me. Almost. I technically got to enjoy the festival but that's because I cheated and took the easy way out. “Sorry that happened.”
“Nah, don't be. Now c'mon.” Chen takes my wrist and pulls me along without even asking. How catty. “Let's do something more fun than watching these boring humans write off their names.”
“Like what?” I question.
“Hmm.” Chen lets go of me, frowning at herself. “I haven't thought that far in.”
“Then...” An idea pops in my head. It's one befitting of a protagonist like myself. “Want to see the festival?”
“Macha,” she says, rolling her eyes at me. “The festival's already over.”
“Says you.” I take her hand and think about how great it would be if Chen got to enjoy the festival. It's a shame that she wasn't able to experience it. So why not rewrite the story? As the protagonist, I can do that, right?
“Well, duh!” Chen shouts over the noise of the festival, “That's because–” She stops in the middle of her sentence, blinking. With a quick swish of her head, she looks around. A lively crowd shuffles through the village. The lights of the festival drown out the darkness of the night. All the stands that were cleaning up are now tending to their customers. “Whoa.”
Damn. I'm a great protagonist aren't I, readers? Maybe I am good at being nice once in a while. “Well?”
“Macha. I don't know what you did but honestly, I don't even care.” She embraces me in a tight hug, closing her eyes and nuzzling against my chest. “This is great. You're great.”
“I do try. It ain't easy being the best.” Finally, some well-deserved praise. Just what I needed. Feeling better about myself, I shoo her along. “Now go enjoy the festival. I have some business to take care of.”
“Yeah!” She doesn't need to be persuaded. Chen runs along and disappears into the festival. The little ball of energy, she is.
I, on the other hand, I have little energy left to spare. I didn't really notice at first, but it's pretty fucking exhausting to retcon the story. What I need is someplace to sit down and take a breather. Cold sweat lines my forehead. The update is winding down. Ohhh, shit. I'm not even ready for choices.
[ ] Have me rest. (Yes please)
[ ] Let me sit down on a bench. (You know you want me to)
[ ] Make me get myself a cold drink. (!!!)
[ ] Reimu encounter (No.)
[ ] Cirno encounter (NO.)
[ ] Three fairies encounter (NOOO)
[X] Make me get myself a cold drink. (!!!)
I'm going to assume Macha is the incident since she's going around making time-space her bitch, which is certainly more damaging then whatever else is going on.
Ok so like...we're scratching your back right Macha? We're letting you rest up and enjoy a refreshing beverage, right? So I mean...when do we get ours? I don't think it would be too much to ask that we get some MOTIVATED interactions with some chicks ya know? This whole protagonist/voter thing can go a lot smoother if we all work together.
Yeah. A cold drink would be nice right now. I'm glad that we're in agreement, guys. You don't know how tiring it is to undo an entire update's worth of events. Luckily, I have the rest of the festival to rest and recuperate again. Time to go get a drink.
I make my way back to Mystia's. Maybe she'll give me a drink on the house. When I get to Mystia's, I find Mystia dozing off alone behind the stand table, gently snoring away on the job. She rests her head on her arms and her wavy hair falls to her face. The grills are turned down to a low. Looks like she hasn't been getting any customers in the past hour.
I know what you're all thinking. And I hate to do it, but I guess I'll have to throw you a bone. I sneak right up to Mystia's side and blow in her ear oh-so-gently. I scramble back to my seat as she jolts herself awake, flapping around her wings in complete disarray.
“Macha!?” She shouts in bewilderment, blushing furiously. With her knees weak, girl props herself up with her arms on the table. I hope you're happy, readers. “Hi! I, um, didn't see you there. What happened?”
Oh, how the tables have turned. I smile innocently, mirroring her words from one of the previous updates. “Have a good nap?”
“...Yeah.” She covers her assaulted ear with her hand. Her face slightly reddens, but she smiles and looks straight at me. “So. Are you here to eat again or did you just miss me?”
“Just thought you looked lonely.” I shrug. “And some barley tea would be nice.”
Mystia glances around to see if any other customers were around. She reluctantly uncorks a bottle and pours me some cold barley. “Well... alright. But only because nobody else is here. I can't play favorites with my customers, you know.”
“Of course. But since nobody's around... cheers.” I take a slow sip.
But the author, as if to fault my choice of words, has two customers approach the stand. And of course, JUST BY COINCIDENCE, it's Cirno and Daiyousei. What the fuck? What's the point of having a choice to meet Cirno if she's just gonna appear in the update anyway?
But Cirno's pretty docile. “Hey, Mysty. We were around the area and wanted to say hi.”
Daiyousei waves to the bird. “Gonna keep working until the festival's over?”
“Yeah. Might as well, since I signed up. Even if I don't get a lot of customers at this hour.” Mystia tightens her bandana and rolls up her sleeves. “Not that I mind. I have Macha to keep me company, if only for a little bit.”
I acknowledge the two fairies with a nod. Sipping my tea, I eye Cirno warily - not because she did anything wrong, but because she was the unsuspecting victim of the little fuck up I created.
“Dai,” she mumbles lowly. “I'm not entirely sure why, but I have this uneasy feeling right now. It feels like somebody just threw me into a large body of water and called me a nimrod.”
“Cirno,” Daiyousei frets, worriedly looking at her fairy friend. “Are you alright?”
“Mystia, I'll see you later. I think I need to go lie down.” Cirno starts wobbling away.
“Cirno, wait!” Daiyousei runs along to catch up to the bumbling fairy.
That could not have been any more of an artificial scene. Come on now, author. Have some finesse!
Mystia blinks in confusion. “Oka–”
“Err, hold that thought, Mystia.” Oh, shit. Update's coming to a close in a matter of ten words. Of course, now's the time to think of choices. Uh.
[ ] Have me complain about these dumb choices. (None of these even matter!)
[ ] Rushed filler choice.
[ ] Blame the author for cutting it short.
[ ] Get me to describe things. (Okay readers, I swear to god if you-)
Cirno is following you because she is a plot device Macha. You need to party up with her for a bit. Unless you plan on fighting the boss of this incident by yourself, you're going to need some friendscuddleslutscoworkers.
[X] Get me to describe things.
-[X] yourself
-[X] Describe all the good things about Mystia.
[X] Stop lazing around and look for more plot devices!
So you had your drink and your rest. You should be good to start protagonising again, right? Also, that tea better not be alcoholic. You know you aren't old enough to drink. Unless you are old enough to drink, in which case please drink responsibly.
[X] Get me to describe things. (Okay readers, I swear to god if you-)
Your name is short for main character, bloody act like one and write paragraphs upon paragraphs of pointless description about things nobody cares about.
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[X] Get me to describe things.
-[X] yourself
-[X] Describe all the good things about Mystia.
God dammit. Do you know how hard it is to describe myself from a first person perspective? As the narrator, I have no explanation to why I'm checking myself out. But since you guys voted on it, I guess I'll just fucking throw all the details out there.
I'm pretty much the cutest girl you'll ever see in Gensokyo. With my light brown hair tied neatly back into a ponytail and my sharp green eyes, I'm easily the most striking and pretty figure around. I'm wearing my favorite black kimono with a flying white swan at its side, complete with a matching white sash. The kimono is lovely, but I wish it didn't flaunt my features so fucking obviously... or my lack thereof. I hate to admit it, but whoever said that kimonos look good on flat-chested women was right. Because, by the gods, I look fucking fantastic.
And best of all, the kimono hugs my butt. But how the fuck do I describe my own butt? Um. It's shapely? No, wait. Agh, I wish I had a fucking thesaurus on me. I'm not the kind of narrator that just goes and describes things!
“Hey, Mystia.” I call out. Maybe I should give up and have her describe it. “What do you think about my butt? Would you call it cute or...?”
“I think– wait, waitwaitwait.” Mystia hid her face behind her hands, blushing furiously at my comment. In a smaller voice, she squeaks, “...what?”
Sighing, I retract my previous statement. “Well, never mind.” If anything, she's going to give the readers more fuel. I take a sip of tea and eyeball Mystia. She, suddenly becoming the center of attention, fidgets nervously under my gaze.
Some obligatory description of Mystia. She's actually very pretty once I pay attention to her features. Behind that thick bandana and apron is a rather attractive girl. It's not the kind of pretty that immediately turns the heads of men, but rather it's the kind of pretty where you don't notice she's attractive until you take a closer look. Mystia's a hard worker and a nice girl. And best of all, she's the kind of person who will sneak me some barley tea for free when she thinks nobody is looking.
Annnnnd that's all the description you hacks are gonna get, sorry. For all you know, I could have just said that only because the choice you voted for won. I lower my gaze at the bird and smile. “Anyway, Mystia. You won't believe the day I had.”
“Oh?” Seems like she's still in a daze from my little staring session. Mystia recovers quickly though, but only after I prompt her to. “Do tell!”
“I found something interesting. As a result, I got to experience the festival twice. Once by accident, and another time on purpose.”
“I don't follow.” Mystia gives me a blank look. “Sorry. What do you mean by that?”
“I don't know how to explain it, to be honest. Here, I'll just show you.” I extend my hand over to her. “Come over for a second and grab my hand.”
“Macha, I'm working!” she complains, pulling at the straps of her apron.
“Oh, hush, nobody's even here at this hour anyway.”
Mystia considers her options, pouting at me in the meantime. “Well... alright.” She gingerly takes my hand.
I down the rest of my tea. I hand the empty cup over to Mystia's other hand. She reluctantly accepts it. Closing my eyes, I wonder how nice it would be to go back just a little bit and drink some hot green tea. Not barley, not cold, but green and hot. When I open my eyes, Mystia absentmindedly hands me some tea. The cup is warm.
“...Was that time travel?” asks Mystia, confusedly staring at the now full cup of tea.
I can't answer because I'm already falling to the ground. Wow, way to go, me. I just fell into that trope, huh? What's next, overusing my power and suddenly blacking ou–
[ ] (Dumb, vague flashback)
[ ] (Let's just get to the plot already)
[ ] (You, the reader, are dumb and wish to retcon again)
We accept and are grateful for your attempts to appease our ass-worship. You've earned the rest of not-having-to-do-things-because-flashbacks-are-happening.
>Mystia's dreamily staring at me, cupping her cheeks with her hands
from the fourth update is anything like this pic, then I'm pretty sure Mystia spiked the tea. Sooooo...yea Macha might be getting struggle cuddled here shortly.
Haha, just kidding it's nice and warm out here. But seriously, where am I? Everything feels fuzzy and out of focus. As per usual of an EXPOSITIONAL FLASHBACK. I suppose I'll have to scour some details through my meticulous attention to details and careful analysis. A blurry figure comes out of the conveniently placed fog.
“Macha,” the figure speaks. It approaches me and strokes my hair very gently, though it is a head smaller than me in height. The scent of fresh paper and new ink is in the air. “Be good now, will you?”
Yes, well, that's great but I wish you'd give me some useful information or cool new fact about myself so this flashback's not a waste of time. I'd give the person a piece of my mind, but I'm not allowed to talk during flashbacks. So I just give the thing a frustrated glare, crossing my arms. So I guess this is how it feels like to be in a cutscene.
“In due time, you will be great.” Though I am unable to see the figure, I can imagine the smile they have on their face. It's a warm and pleasant one. I feel at ease, almost as if I were back home. But this entire scene just screams out “GENERIC FLASHBACK!” to me.
Where is my tragic backstory? My goals? My motivation? There's nothing useful in this terrible flashback. I'd like to chastise the dumb figure for such a pointless update choice, but I'm interrupted as I fall off the bed and wake up from my sleep.
Readers. I'm suddenly tired and groggy and my joints ache and I'm extremely irritated that we got gypped by some shitty flashback scene. I hope you are as mad as I am because I won't stand for this! I scramble back up, only to fall back down on my butt. I'm glad I have the ass and hips I do. My butt serves as a good cushion, which is good because I keep falling back down on it again.
Mystia offers a hand to me. I immediately pull myself up with it, dusting off my kimono. Aw, damn. The sash loosened during my butt-falling.
Wait. Why is Mystia in my house? I take a look around in confusion. Wait, no. This isn't even my home. “I have a lot of questions.”
“Okay, but first, do try and rest for a little longer. Not much of an early bird, are you?”
“Was that supposed to be funny, you night sparrow?”
“Well, somebody's grumpy~!” She sits me down on the bed. “Anyway, you just passed out after whatever-you-did. What did you do, anyway?”
“I reverted the present to go back to the past.” It's a retcon, but I really doubt Mystia would understand such jargon. “Or something.”
“Time travel?” Mystia helpfully adds.
“Not exactly.” I rotate my shoulders. My joints ache all over. Guess I really overexerted myself, huh? I should really monitor the usage of my power. I'd love to experiment more with it, but I also don't enjoy passing out in the middle of an update. “So. What happened after I blacked out?”
“I had to close up shop and get you over here.” Mystia chuckles weakly, giving me a sheepish smile. “I didn't know where you lived, so I just took you over to my place.”
“And?"
“And that's it.” The bird shrugs. “Once I figured out you were still breathing, I put you in the guest room and went to bed after checking up on you a few times. It was really scary when you just fell to the floor! I thought you died!”
“I could never die like that, don't worry.” Main characters have stronger plot armor than that. Imagine if the story just upped and ended itself after that update! How terrible would that be? I hop off the bed and flash a smile at Mystia. “So yeah. Thanks for taking care of me. I'm in your debt.”
“Oh? Uh, yeah!” She returns your smile, waving to me. “Your pretty smile is thanks enough, Macha.”
"If only I could pay for meals with pretty smiles."
Alright now. What will you have me do?
[x] Have me go back home and freshen up.
Well, that's awfully nice of you guys to vote for that! Thanks.
No, but seriously. What should I do after that?
[ ] Have me go wander around the village for a bit. (Akyuu encounter. You're welcome.)
[ ] Make me go bother the youkai up in the mountains.
[ ] Revisit an old joke choice and have me jump into the lake. (No.)
[ ] Let me play with the children in the village. (It's actually really fun, not going to lie.)
[X] Let me play with the children in the village. (It's actually really fun, not going to lie.)
That flash back sucked. Have some R&R with the children. Maybe you'll make an adorable new friend or something. If it's a school day, you might even meet Keine.
You know, the one person who might be able to either tell you what's happening or possibly train your history-altering skills?
Or, heck, you might even to meet the fairies on less annoying terms.
[X] Let me play with the children in the village. (It's actually really fun, not going to lie.)
Macha you big softie.
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I exit Mystia's house and head straight for mine. Her place is hidden away in the forest, but all I have to do is take the road back to the village. I could fly, but that's not as fun as walking. Besides. I'm wearing my favorite kimono. Gotta flaunt my swaying hips while I still can, right? Doesn't take long until I reach the village. A few people wave to me as I pass by. Flashing them all a smile, I return their waves. A few of the younger men blush as I pass by. It's hard being Macha.
As soon as I get home, I throw on the water for the bath and undress, letting my kimono and undergarments fall to the floor. Even the ribbon that keeps my ponytail nice and neat. Ooh, you'd kill for some more details, right?
WELL, THE BATH WAS NICE.
I grab a towel while I'm not freezing to death and dry myself off. Once I get myself cleaned up, I get myself a blue kimono and dress myself. I wrap the sash around my waist and find myself a black ribbon to tie my hair up. There, good to go. Now it's time to play.
The children are running around the school grounds without a care in the world. They scream and laugh and frolic through the field. One of them notices me. “Hey, it's Macha!”
“Hey there, you munchkins. Whatcha kids up to?” They all gather around to bask in my glory.
“Playin' monster. Wanna join? You're always the best monster!”
“Sure.” I put a hand on my hips. “You guys can be the heroes then. Can you beat me this time?” I do the usual ritual and twirl once before curling my fingers in mock-claws and hunching my back. “Raaahr, I'm a big monster coming to destroy the village! You foolish heroes will never stop me!”
“That's what you think ugly!” One kid cries before swinging his invisible sword at me.
I smack away the invisible sword, laughing like a true antagonist. There's some irony to this, readers. “Do you think mere steel can slay me? You need more than that!”
The rest of the kids gather, slashing me with their make-believe weapons. Eventually, they pile on me. A few are wrestling with my feet, another is on my shoulder. A girl's left out, unsure to join in or not. Gods. The things I do for these squirts. “I have got you all now. Do you think you can beat me with something like this? If only you had the strength of one more hero, I might have lost. Bwahahaha!”
Sure enough, she stops moping around and joins in, stabbing me through the heart. A triumphant look burns through her eyes.
I shake off the children and topple to the ground. “Oh... I am slain. You may have destroyed me for now, but I will be born again into this wretched world! And you shall suffer tenfold! Bwahaha—” A shadow blocks the sun over me. “...Ha.”
Keine, with a gleeful smile, leans over me. “Good morning, Macha. You're lively as ever.”
I went a little ham there, didn't I? I stumble back to my feet and dust off my kimono. “Morning, Keine. Lovely weather we're having.”
Keine does her best to appear stern but she can't help chuckling softly at me. “Don't wear out the children too much. They have self-study now.” She takes the kids and ushers them back into school. “Run along now, children. I actually have something to discuss with Macha.”
“Okay, Miss Kamishirasawa!” They scamper back to the school. How obedient of them.
“So, Keine. Have something to tell me?”
“Yeah. It might be related to the incident you're investigating.” She flips through her notebook, skimming each page until the very last. “I checked through the timeline of yesterday and I found that the festival happened twice. There was a brief lapse in history. Does that help in your investigations?”
“Uh.” Well, shit. That was me.
[ ] Have me come clean. Explain everything.
[ ] Explain. Everything.
[ ] Maybe I shouldn't explain everything.
[ ] But then I'd fester in my guilt until I explain everything.
[ ] God dammit. I'm going to explain everything, aren't I, readers?
>Sure enough, she stops moping around and joins in, stabbing me through the heart. A triumphant look burns through her eyes.
B I G S O F T I E
I
G
S
O
F
T
I
E
[x] I think that the were-hakutaku is the culprit, eh? She's the only one that can change history! I heard she masquerades as a school teacher and...
-[x] Just kidding: Explain everything.
[x] Panic
[x] Explain everything.
[x] IT'S ALL MY FAULT
“Keine. I'm going to explain everything, so please just bear with me.” I take a deep breath. “I can revert time and I basically used my powers to enjoy the festival twice and I tried using my power again but I blacked out from exhaustion and it's all my faaaaault.”
“Macha,” Keine speaks softly. She leans over to stroke my hair. “It's alright. Nobody's mad at you.”
“Well,” I grumble, “I'm the reason why history's been all over the place. Seems like I've been causing you trouble.”
“It was no trouble at all. And at the very least, I now know what caused that incident.” She pauses, mulling over her own statement. “So you caused that time lapse then, correct?”
I admit it. “Yeah.”
“Just what are you investigating, then?” Keine raises a very good question that I don't have the answer to.
Man, being the protagonist is tough. I don't have a fucking clue what's going on. “I don't know. I'm beginning to think there isn't an incident in the first place. Maybe I am the incident.”
“Yes,” she says, laughing, “that would be the most likely case. As always, trouble seems to follow you everywhere you go, Macha.”
“Yes, well, could you please tell Trouble that he's not welcome and that I'm filing a restraining order?” I frown at her. “His company is unappreciated.”
"I'm not sure trouble will leave even if I ask." Keine turns to the school and waves for me to join her. “Macha. I have an idea. If you're so concerned about how much trouble you've caused me, why not be my teaching assistant for the day?”
“Keine,” I groan. “You know how much I dislike education.”
“Nonsense,” she replies, pushing me along into the classroom. “I know you enjoy learning as much as the children do.”
“Yes,” I sigh. “So I repeat: you know how much I dislike education.”
The classroom's not too large, holding about forty seats in total. However, only twenty seats are occupied by the children. I remember a thriving class once. Most of the older children have already graduated, leaving empty seats in their coming-of-age.
Once I enter the room, the children start getting rowdy. But with a quick glare from Keine, they all shut up and go back to their work. I basically fall asleep all throughout self-study. There's nothing for me to do at this time. I'm sure you're all enthralled by this exhilarating update. Don't fall off your seats, now. I'd ask Keine what exactly I'm supposed to be doing as the teaching assistant, but she's diligently grading during self-study. The children are also quietly doing their work like good little kids. Boring little kids.
With a scene as uneventful as this, something's bound to happen, right?
[ ] The fairy, WHOSE NAME IS SUNNY MILK, and her lackeys invade the classroom. (This joke's getting old)
[ ] An unfortunate amanojaku, Seija, comes to disturb the classroom.
[ ] The oni, Suika, comes around and asks for a fight. (Can it get any more transparent than that?)
[ ] Don't like my choices? Well, why don't you go make your own? (Write-in, duh)
[x] An unfortunate amanojaku, Seija, blah blah blah.
I stir. Something's not right. I can hear the worried yelling of Keine and the sound of tables scraping across the floor. The school building's keeling over. Waking up to the entire classroom toppling over itself is pretty fucking unpleasant. The very foundation flips itself upside-down. I respond by gathering all the children to the corner of the room. “Everybody stay to the edge of the floor and slide down when you lose your footing, alright?”
The children, dazed and confused, only reply with a nod. As the classroom overturns, the walls quickly become the floor. Keine and I catch the children one by one, making sure the they don't get hurt. What a catastrophe. Pausing to look around, I say, “Looks safe for now.” Of course, as soon as I say that, the whole fucking room flips vertically in one fell swoop. The desks clatter to the ceiling and the kids all fall on top of Keine and me. I push most of the children aside but one whimpers as I do so. A boy's clutching at his foot, doing his best not to shed his tears. From the looks of it, the poor kid's ankle is twisted.
The horned asshole comes barging through an upside-down door, cackling in glee. Seija, also known as Full-of-Herself, applauds herself as she floats around in the class. “Gotcha, didn't I, Macha? How is it? You just hate it, don't you? Are you mad?”
I don't have the patience to deal with this bullshit. I immediately place her into a chokehold and tighten my grip. “Now,” I say with my sweetest smile. “Could you repeat the question again?”
“Uh.” Seija swallows her saliva, recognizing the danger that she is in. “...Are you mad?”
“Of course not.” I lax my grip on her neck slightly.
“Oh. Haha.” The amanojaku grins ignorantly. “For a second, I thought you were–”
“What an idiot.” I have to try my fucking hardest not to run my big mouth through some choice swear words. I'm in a scholarly environment. I have to respect academic conduct. Grinding my knuckles on her head, I continue. “I'm livid.”
Seija still has that dumb look on her fucking face. “What does that mean?”
“IT MEANS THAT I'M FUC– erm. It means that I'm FURIOUSLY ANGRY, got it?” Jabbing my thumbs into her temples, I shake her head back and forth. “One, you do not disturb class while it is in session. Two, you do not hurt innocent children in your petty pranks. Three, you never gloat in front of my face. Understand?”
“No.” Seija sticks out her tongue at me. Oh, it's fucking on.
I grin, baring my teeth. “Then I guess I'll have to teach you a lesson, yeah?” I close my eyes and focus on the entire classroom, thinking about how nice it would be to have the entire building return back to normal. I wonder whether the children and Keine will remember this happening. Pushing my luck a bit, I think about how it would be if they retained their memories of the retcon.
When I open my eyes, the classroom looks exactly like how it was before Seija messed with its verticality or whatever. Seija's still here too, squirming in pain under myiron grip.
Keine blinks a couple of times before turning her attention to Seija and me. “Macha, was that your power just now?”
“It was.” During my response, the amanojaku attempts to wrestle away. I don't let her escape. “I'm surprised you remember. So far, only those that I'm in direct contact with aren't affected. Or so I assumed.”
But more importantly, what should I do about Seija?
[ ] Have me let her go. (After I tell her why her prank was bad and why she should feel bad)
[ ] Leave it up to my discretion. (Slam dunk her into the lake)
[ ] Have me beat her properly in danmaku.
[ ] Your ideas are dumb but I won't stop you from writing them out.
[X] Go for the brain. Tell her EXACTLY what happened.
What's that? Seija's power is less than useless when Macha's around?
She can mess with Seija in ways she can't even imagine and SHE WON'T REMEMBER?
Alternatively, Macha can be madder than description can ever allow and Seija won't ever remember enjoying it? How can you gloat about something that didn't happen?
>>185840 I thought the options were dumb so I chose it as an insult to Macha
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[x] Leave it up to my discretion. (Slam dunk her into the lake)
Oh, readers. Sometimes, ya do good. You guys should leave all the nice and easy choices up to me. Securing a stronger grip on the amanojaku, I ask the rest of the class, “Yo, kids. I think a field trip is in order. What do you guys think about visiting Misty Lake?”
The entire class cheers, probably grateful that I'm interrupting class for a chance to go outside. It'll be like another recess. Keine, the teacher in charge, looks understandably upset. “Look, Macha,” she begins, “I'm not sure that we can spend the rest of the afternoon on a field trip.” In response, the children throw her puppy-dog stares.
Shaking Seija around in my arms, I add, “It'll be a vital lesson for the kids. I'll show them what happens when a punk tries to disturb a class in session.”
Wavering in her resolve, Keine sighs and says, “Alright. Just this once, I will indulge you and the children.”
I smile, narrowing my eyes at the amanojaku. “Do ya hear that, Seija? We're going on a field trip. You and I, pal, we're gonna have lots and lots of fun.”
“I hate you,” she miserably grumbles.
“Great. That'll make this field trip so much better!” For me, that is. “Now follow along, everybody. We have no time to waste.”
I lead my little army of students out of the village, walking alongside Keine. Seija, being dragged along, has long since resigned herself to her fate. I take the road that leads me to the lake, avoiding the path cutting through the forest. Although the road from the forest is quicker, I'd rather not have the kids lag behind and get lost. Even if Keine is here, it's better to be safe than sorry.
Misty Lake's not particularly misty at the moment. That's fantastic because I have an audience to entertain. “Hey, Seija, I told you that I was going to teach you a lesson. Now you get to reap the benefits. Be grateful, 'cause I don't give out tutoring sessions for free, you know?”
“I don't regret a single thing, you dumbskull,” spits out Seija, trying to claw her way out of my grasp. “I'd do it again if I had the chance.”
“Oh you're going to regret this, alright. I hope you're ready. And by the way, it's numbskull, you numbskull!” I reel back and shoot up into the air, pulling along Seija by her collar. Ah, deja vu. As I fly further up into the sky, I remember how I flung Sunny/Cirno into the lake. It's funny how many of my problems can be solved by shooting them into a large body of water. That being said, my heart's not really in it. I guess it'll be more of a slam and less of a dunk. I follow the standard slam dunk procedure and propel myself down, flinging Seija into the water at peak velocity. A pillar of water shoots back up, Guess the saying is true. If you don't slam for yourself, then the dunk that follows is meaningless. Still, the children applause in blind appreciation. I return back to the ground and do a little bow.
I reach for a scholar's opinion. “What do you think, Keine? How was that?”
“While I'd like to refrain from commenting on non-academic practices...” she shakes her head and folds her arms. “The follow-through was lacking. I'd give it an eight out of ten.”
Damn, Keine's sharp. I didn't think she'd catch that. Oh, right. I forgot to do usual fourth wall routine. Hey, can you all do me a favor and pretend that this gimmick isn't getting old? I'm sure the author would appreciate that. “Noted. I'll impress you next time.”
“Hopefully, there is no next time. And children,” she addresses the class. “I hope everyone enjoyed our brief excursion to the lake. I know it was brief, but we should return to class. School is almost over and we should return.” The kids all comply and follow Keine back. She turns to me, expecting me to follow as well.
Update's wrapping up. Have me do things. Stuff.
[ ] Have me continue being Keine's teaching assistant.
[ ] Shouldn't I keep an eye on Seija in case?
[ ] (Insert your lame idea here)
[ ] (Insert your EVEN LAMER idea here)
[ ] I bet you write these write-ins just to annoy me. You just want my attention, dontcha?
[x] I bet you write these write-ins just to annoy me. You just want my attention, dontcha?
Oh, you adorable idiots. Every time there's an opportunity to fuck things up, you all just have to go out of your way to do it. I know, I know. You can't help it! You are humbled and awed by my very presence. I realize that you're all just shy like the dweebs in elementary school who show their affection by annoying the ever-living shit out of their crushes.
I'd step out and backhand you all until you realize that annoying me isn't going to get us anywhere, but I'm stuck in this here story and you're out there reading this shitty update. I don't even know what you want me to do with that fucking choice.
“Coming along, Macha?” asks Keine. She's herding her students back towards the the village.
“Nah,” I respond. “I have obligations. Besides, I think I've had enough education for the day. Any more and my brain is going to burst.”
Keine frowns at me, shaking her head. “What did you even learn today?” However, she says no more about the issue and bids me farewell with a wave. “Well, stay out of trouble. Come on, children, let's say good bye to our favorite teaching assistant.”
“Good bye, Macha!” The kids clamor, giggling and shouting in my direction.
I send them all off with a wave and stick around the area until they're all out of sight. Once Keine and the children are gone, I turn to the lake and-- where the hell is Seija? Looks like she escaped me while I was distracted. Dammit, readers, why did you have to go and vote on a write-in choice that wasn't a write-in?
Since the lot of you didn't choose a real option, I guess I'll go revisit an old choice and work my way from there. Umm, give me a moment. What was it again? Ah, here we go.
[x] Make me go bother the youkai up in the mountains.
Here. Let's do this. The mountainside isn't too far from here, actually. I saved myself some time, since the Youkai Mountain is right next to the lake. I fly past Misty Lake and up the base of the mountain. Maybe I'll go bug Hatate or something. She's usually free this time of the evening. But then, my protagonist ears pick up on a cry for help. I fly down, searching around near the riverbed below. Behind a tree is a young wolf tengu, sniffling by himself.
“Hey, kid.” I show myself and call out to him. “What's a wolf like you doing out here alone?”
He tries to take a step back but falls back on his leg, wincing. His ankle is badly bruised, swollen to a dark purple. “Stay back. I don't want to fight you. You're going to regret this." Inching back on his good leg, he bares his teeth at me. He retreats two steps before crumpling to the ground.
Oh, for crying out loud. This is so fucking pitiful.
[ ] Secure the wolf. Let's get him back to the tengu village safe and sound.
[ ] Let me tease the tengu for a bit. A big, bad monster like me is gonna eat him up!
[ ] Have me leave. (Are you FUCKING kidding me?)
[x] Secure the wolf. Let's get him back to the tengu village safe and sound.
-[x] Didn't want to tease the little wolf anyway. Hmph.
“Listen, buddy. I'm not going to hurt you. Ya know, I could probably defeat you even if you weren't injured,” I say. I wait until he stops baring his little fangs at me. “That being said, I also don't have the patience to squabble about stupid crap like your little wolf tengu pride, so give me your hand already. I'll keep you safe.”
“...I was told not to trust strangers outside the mountain.” He wavers, pulling back his arm. The motion makes him slip on the ground. He instinctively reaches for me as he falls into my arms.
I sigh and catch him easily. I can practically feel the embarrassment coming out of the wolf. “Kid. It's a big mountain and I'm your best bet making it out of here in one piece.” I sit him up on a big rock and crouch down, extending my arms behind me. "Just be a good boy and get on."
“Wait!” He jumps back and yowls, almost falling off the rock again.
“What now?” I groan.
A red tinge colors the wolf's cheeks. His ears flatten as he swishes his tail around nervously. “I haven't been carried by a girl before.”
“Then have you ever been smacked by one?” I respond irritably. I have to hold myself back from kneading my knuckles on the wolf tengu's head. “I have better things to do than worry about your insecurities.”
“S-Sorry.” He steels himself and gingerly wraps his arms over my shoulders, definitely blushing all the while. What a pure little thing.
I tuck his legs under my arms and lift him up onto my back. The kid's pretty light for a wolf tengu, though I can only compare to Momiji. “Ready?”
He nods in response. "Yeah."
I jump into the air and fly leisurely above the river and trees. I'd speed straight through the mountainside, but I know I have to be careful. After all, I have a passenger now. “So you got a name, shrimp? What's a wolf-boy like you doing so far down the mountain?”
“I'm Kaede.” He squirms around in my grip, obviously uncomfortable with the situation. “I was practicing my flying... and got into a little bit of trouble. I'm good at the jumping part. I'm not so good at the 'staying in the air' part. And, um,” he stutters, lowering his head. “B-Big Sis, what's your name?"
“My name's Macha... don't call me Big Sis.” I give myself a better grip on the boy. At this rate, I'm never going to make it to the top of the mountain before the evening ends. “Now hold on tight unless you want to fall.”
Kaede locks his arms around me, burying his face into my back. I can feel him quivering as I ramp up speed through the air. “Big Sis," he says. I glare at him until he corrects himself. “Erm, Macha. Are you heading to the tengu village as well?”
“Yeah. I have some business there.” By business, I really mean that I'm going to bother Hatate and possibly nab some drinks, but I'm not telling the kid that. “Just be grateful I noticed you while I was flying by."
“Umm.... M-Macha,” Kaede mumbles, his voice almost lost in the wind. “Sorry for treating you like a bad guy. And... thanks for saving me.”
“It's what I do, kid.” I gotta be the protagonist and save everybody. That's how it is. “Just don't do anything stupid like that ever again. You got lucky I was passing by today. I won't be here to save you a second time. Got it?”
“I understand.” From the corner of my eye, I can see him nodding to himself. He has the sharp look in his eyes that only wolf tengu have. “I'll learn from the mistakes I made today.”
“That's what I like to hear.”
I drop down to the entrance of the tengu village. Aya's standing guard, though it looks more like she's sleeping on the job. I loudly slam down to the ground, startling the crow from her post. She wakes up scrambling for solid footing. “Hey, crow. Nap well?”
“Macha?” Aya says, though it's more of a question than a statement. Her eyes light up when she spots the wolf tengu behind me. “Oh, it's little Kaede! Did he cause you trouble?”
I shake my head at her. “Nah. I picked him up on the way. Now stop blocking the entrance. I'm trying to get in.”
“Alright.” She hops to the side, motioning for me to enter. “I'll take Wolfy off your hands. I gotta take care of all the young, helpless wolf tengu around here! Don't you worry, Kaede. You're in good hands now!"
Aya's... drooling.
When I turn to Kaede, he's pleading desperately with his eyes, giving me the signature wolf tengu puppy-dog eyes. He's shaking his head vehemently at me, clinging onto me for dear life.
Geez.
[ ] What Aya does to helpless wolf boys is none of my concern. Have me relinquish Kaede to her.
[ ] Fiiiine. Have me save him again.
>>185949 You're thinking too short-term, friend. First, we lull the wolf shota into thinking he's safe. Then, when he's at his most vulnerable, we bully him ourselves, solely for our own satisfaction. That's why we must play the role of protector and keep him away from our present rival in bullying.
[x] Fiiiine. Have me save him again.
-[x] I really need to stop giving in to those damn puppy-dog eyes.
-[x] But I'm the main protagonist. It's in my blood to help the helpless.
“No can do, crow.” I shield Kaede from Aya, blocking the white wolf with my body. “He and I have some business with Momiji. Know where she is?”
“I might. But why should I tell you?” She's obviously upset that she couldn't get her hands on the wolf boy.
“Aya.” I laugh hollowly. “You get one more chance. I'm going to ask you very nicely. Do you know where Momiji is?”
She averts her gaze, taking a few steps back. “She's on infirmary duty.”
“Well, that's good news.” I crouch down again and motion for Kaede to get back on again. “Looks like Momiji can take care of your foot. I don't know a thing about first aid, so you'll be better off with her.”
“What's the matter, Wolfy? Gonna let a girl carry you?” Aya pipes up. “Where's your pride as a man?”
“Oh, shut the hell up, Aya.” I glare at the crow. “Don't push the kid. He's injured.”
Kaede takes a clumsy step forward. “No, I can walk. Don't carry me to the infirmary.” With a weak smile, he adds, “Wolf tengu are really strong. This isn't a big deal.”
“Oh yeah? Then walk to me.” I watch the wolf hobble around, limping towards me unsteadily. I groan and extend my hand out to him. “What a weakling. If you're going to walk, then at least take my hand. We're not going anywhere if you're gonna limp around like that.”
“Oh, u-um, okay.” He timidly grabs my hand, allowing me to pull him along. I steady my pace and let him use my hand as balance support.
“Isn't that great, Kaede?” Aya yells from her post. “Big Sis Macha's holding your hand!”
I ignore Aya and drag along the wolf tengu, heading to the infirmary. If I'm not mistaken, it's to the left of the village center. I pass a few crow tengu and nod to them in acknowledgment. They wave back knowingly, staring at Kaede in amusement. He blushes but otherwise does nothing. He squeezes my hand, shuffling closer to me. What a dork.
“Um, Macha?” Kaede looks up at me, perking up his ears. His eyes and demeanor are serious but his tail's wagging. “Thank you for getting me away from Aya. I, um, really appreciate you and stuff.”
“Well aren't you just a cutie?” I pet the kid's head with my free hand, making sure to fluff his ears too. He fidgets around but doesn't move away from my hand. Uh. What was I doing again? Oh right. I escort Kaede the rest of the way to the infirmary and check in with Momiji.
She eyes the younger wolf warily, scribbling something on a piece of paper. “Little Kaede, what happened to your foot?”
“...I was practicing my flying," he says, sulking.
"With a bruise like that, I assume your practice did not end well."
“Yeah." He lowers his head, flattening his ears. "Macha brought me back safely. I'm in her debt.”
The story would continue but the author is tired. Um, I'm just going to end the update right here before they fall asleep on us.
[ ] Stay here and chat with Momiji and Kaede.
[ ] Go visit Hatate while Kaede is being treated.
[x] Stay here and chat with Momiji and Kaede.
-[x] And who the fuck is Hayate?
-[x] No, seriously, I wanna know.
For shame. Not even a pity vote for poor ol' Hatate? I was planning on visiting her anyway, but you guys really want to stick around for the cute wolf-boy tengu? I mean... I'm not blaming you. Just know that I'm a little disappointed in you all! But since I'm the protagonist, I'll humor your vote and stick around. “How bad is his foot looking, Momiji?”
She sits Kaede down on the infirmary bed and elevates his leg. Momiji rotates the ankle in a circular motion, ignoring the restrained yelps from Kaede. “He had a pretty nasty fall, but little Kaede's fine. There's no permanent damage, although he won't be able to walk for a few days.”
The younger wolf tengu lowers his head at his senior. “S-Sorry.”
“I'm sure you've learned your lesson. I am just glad that nothing worse happened.” Momiji brings out a small tub and draws some water from the tap, filling it to the brim. She has Kaede sit up and dip his foot into the water. “It's rather primitive, but this is the best I can do for now. Keep your foot in the water for a few minutes or until you start to feel uncomfortable.”
“Understood. And, um,” he trails off, fidgeting in his seat. He blushes and whispers something in her ear.
Momiji, with a rare snort, turns to face me. She has a wide smile, having to stop herself from her sudden giggling. “Macha, I'm afraid I have to ask you to momentarily leave now.”
“What.” This is going against the choices. I'm supposed to stay here and chat with the two of them. How do I do that when I'm being asked to leave. “Why can't I stay?”
“You have to ask little Kaede for the answer.”
I turn my attention towards the wolf boy. “So says Momiji. Why am I being kicked out? Is it because I yelled at you before?” I try my best not to be irritated, but it sorta comes out naturally.
“No, that's not why!” insists Kaede, shaking his head earnestly. A light tinge of pink creeps up on his cheeks. “It's just that, well, uh...” His voice shrinks to a whisper. I can't hear a thing he's saying.
“Go on,” I encourage him. Momiji is laughing during this entire exchange.
“It's because– it's because...” he breathes, grabbing hold of his tail. “It's because you're very pretty.”
“...Run that by me again.” I don't think I heard what he said correctly. "What?"
“It's hard for me to relax when you're here.” Kaede mumbles, refusing to make eye contact with me. “I get all nervous and shaky.”
Hahaha. Ha. Self-control. Oh man. Little wolf boys are dangerous. Momiji is just grinning slyly. I breathe in through my nose and exhale slowly. “Kid. You're a little young to be flirting with me!” I'm not going to stoop to Aya's level. I'm NOT going to stoop to Aya's level. “Try again when you're older and handsomer.”
"Kaede." Momiji rinses a towel under some heated water and brings it over to Kaede. “Lift up your foot.” He complies, and the older wolf tengu wraps the younger one's foot in the towel and ties it securely. “That should be it for now.”
I pull Momiji close, muttering to her in a low voice so Kaede can't hear. “How do you survive when you're always in close proximity to an obscene amount of wolf boys?”
“All the wolf tengu are like little brothers to me. I consider them all family.” She laughs under her breath. “So you're weak to them?”
“No.”
“I don't think that's up to you,” Momiji says, winking. “What do you think, readers?”
“Whoa, what in the world, hold onto your wolf-tengu butt. You're not supposed to do that.” There's not enough room in this story for another person doing that. Author, do something about this.
[ ] You think I'm weak to wolf boys. (Well, you're wrong)
[ ] I am most certainly not weak to wolf boys and you are right for thinking that.
[ ] Seriously, she's not allowed to do that. This goes against the story.
[ ] Other characters aren't allowed to address the readers!
[x] You think I'm weak to wolf boys. (Well, you're wrong)
-[x] Very wrong.
-[x] Even if they have their dumb little tails wagging at me.
I'm going to ignore this choice. You're wrong and misinformed, sorry. You know, one of the readers is right. There's no appeal to little wolf boys. Who would even like bullying a teary-eyed, lip-quivering, fluffy-eared shota? Not me. Not even if they look at me with their innocent little eyes, trusting me unconditionally even as I tease them mercilessly. And I'd hug him from behind, whispering into his ear... I mean. Ah, fuck your choice. You have the illusion of voting power over me. I'm not going to yield so easily though.
“Okay, first of all,” I growl at Momiji. “You can't just address the readers like that. We have to follow procedure. What's my defining characteristic if you just steal it away like that? And secondly, no, I'm not weak to them. Both you and the readers are clearly mistaken.”
“Macha, what are you even talking about?” She stares at me, an unsure look on her face. “Readers?”
“Then who were you asking?” She has to be fucking with me. I know what she said. You guys know it too, right? “I swear you said something about the readers. Was I mistaken?”
She shakes her head. “I was just teasing you a bit about how you were bad with the young wolf tengu.”
Something's amiss. It's like the Sunny-Cirno incident. Transforming fairies aside, I'm not getting a good feeling from the story. Almost like if it were pulling me forward. Yeaaah, something's wrong. I turn around and face a GIGANTIC FUCKING BLACK HOLE that pulls me in violently. Well, that plot device came out of nowhere. Could you even call it one if there's no plot to begin with? I hear the odd sound of pages flipping and flipping, drowning out any other noise. I got thrown around in the nothingness, flung hastily into a new scene.
I drop down into a familiar house. Odd paintings that barely resemble crow tengu are hung all over the place. Blue curtains line the windows, though the colors of the wall is a sickly lime green. Unforgivable. Judging from the tacky decor, it's definitely Hatate's home.
The crow comes from her private quarters, wearing only an open shirt and underwear. While I didn't realize before, seems like Hatate has some nice Hatates. Her hair is all messed up and tangled. I'm positive the crow just woke up. What the hell? It's way past the afternoon. She smiles blankly at you before she realizes that you're here for some god-forsaken reason. “Wait, Macha. Why are you in my home?"
“I'd like to know as much as you do.” I'm guessing that it was a fucking timeskip that sent me here. Get it together, author. I can't deal with this half-assed story we got here. It was finally getting to the good part! Things that definitely did not concern cute wolf boys. “Also, get some clothes on. It's not even dark out yet. What are you doing?”
Hatate pauses to think about an answer. Finally, she replies, “Fan service?” She scrambles to button up her shirt, throwing on a skirt lying around in the living room. Classy.
“I'm not sure if you got the memo, but I'm the only one allowed to make those kinds of jokes.” People are starting to copying my thing. I hate it when people copy my thing. This is where I make some kind of snide comment, but I have to actually do my job now. The story's slowly unraveling. “Sorry Hatate, I don't have a lot of time for this. Thanks for having me, even if it was a short meet. I'll treasure all two hundred and fourteen words of it.”
“Uh, um. Okay.” Hatate's confused but I'm not going to waste any more time here. I have to do my job before everything becomes a mess. Well, a bigger mess. This entire story is just a mess. But as the protagonist, my job's to rectify... even if I don't want to.
[ ] Have me retcon. I could probably try and see what caused the timeskip.
[ ] Don't have me retcon. I can investigate without the retcon.
[ ] Timeskip intentionally. (This is dumb as fuck)
[ ] I can't trust you idiots to even make a decision, can I?
[X] Have me retcon. I could probably try and see what caused the timeskip.
What, and skip out on having an ACTUAL conversation with Hatate? No, we're retconning, walking over to her house and having a conversation the RIGHT way.
But not retconning so far that our lil' bro fluffy wolf forgets us... That pain would be to much to bear...
You know; I always thought Doom: RoE was a better story than people give it credit for. The heavy symbolism and moral lesson it teaches really speaks to me, ya know?
[x] Have me retcon. I could probably try and see what caused the timeskip.
Yeah. I'm going to retcon. I'm pretty sure I know what's causing this shit to happen, but let's go back and confirm for ourselves what's going on. The process of retcon is starting to come naturally to me, like I was born for this shit. I don't really need to concentrate anymore. All I have to do is think about the details of the past and then I'm slowly pulled back in time.
I arrive back at the infirmary. Weird. I actually feel good after the retcon. I'm not winded or tired at all. In fact, I feel better than I was before.
Momiji stares at me uneasily, approaching me with a concerned look. “Hey, Macha! Are you listening?”
“Uh, what?” I focus my attention back to her, dismissing my own thoughts. “I wasn't really paying attention.”
Momiji frowns. “You weren't responding for a while, so I thought you were under a spell.”
“Are you alright, Macha?” Kaede speaks up, leaning forward as much as he can on the infirmary bed.
“Yeah, I'm good,” I say, waving it off. “I got lost in thought.”
“You weren't saying anything, so I thought something had come over you.” Momiji continues her work, wrapping Kaede's foot in the towel and tying it securely. “Anyway, that should be it for now.”
“Well, that's good on you, Kaede.” I reply, moving over to the young wolf tengu. “Be glad that all you have is a bruised ankle for your mistakes.”
He lowers his eyes, nodding at my statement. And then he says:
“[Flattery of character].”
I squint my eyes at him. What the hell did he just say? Hey, you heard that right, readers? “Sorry, could you just repeat that?”
Kaede, staring at me in earnest eyes, repeats himself. “[Flattery of character].”
I can't hear him properly. Well shit. I just shake my head and pretend to understand him.
Momiji shrugs. “[Expression of curiosity]. [Jab at character flaw]. [Question of personal interest]?”
Yeah. I can't do anything when the story's like this. Hey. Author, get a hold of yourself. Aren't you supposed to be throwing some dialogue at me right about now? You can't just substitute in a template and expect it to work. I need to have conversations. Yo, author. Author!
...Author?
Ah, fuck me. A loud crash echoes throughout all of Gensokyo, though both Momiji and Kaede don't notice. I feel the ground shaking under me. The wolf tengu are oblivious to the quake, apparently unaffected by the shaking. I hastily wave goodbye to them and exit through the infirmary's doors. But once I step outside, I plummet into a sea of exposition and lost dialogue. I crash through words and words of discarded updates and illegible, handwritten notes.
The story is literally falling apart. There's no way to go forward. The plot's stuck and dead.
...I guess this little story has gone long enough, then?
[ ] Ask me what I'm doing. (Yeah, about that...)
[ ] Be good and enjoy the ride, please. (It's not particularly going to be pleasant)
I have this bizarre fascination with seeing exactly how far everything around me can be shoved down the sink before someone is forced to switch on the garbage disposal.
Failling that, I'll just [X] Ask me what I'm doing. (Yeah, about that...)
[x] Ask me what I'm doing. (Yeah, about that...)
[x] Land in another story (Sorry. I have obligations to fulfill.)
Look. This story is going nowhere. But that doesn't mean that we can't progress the story. I'm going to enlighten you on something right now. If we go back, we could use the time we had to fix the story before it starts shitting itself into oblivion. I'm going to retcon again. I'm sure you think this is a bad idea and... well, it is. But I don't see any other options here. You say that you want to go ditch this story to find another one, but if we leave the story here, what will happen to the author? What will happen to Gensokyo? You really don't want all that to disappear right?
Right. Now let's get to retconning. Igo back a few minutes, back to the last choice we made. Sorry, readers, but some things are more important than your choices. I'm going to have to undo everything that we did before. If we get this incident resolved, then I'm sure the story will finish and my job will be complete.
[x] Stay here and chat with Momiji and Kaede.
-[x] And who the fuck is Hayate?
-[x] No, seriously, I wanna know.
I return back to the the infirmary. Kaede and Momiji are both blissfully unaware of the impending trainwreck that will happen in just a few paragraphs of text. Momiji is nursing Kaede's injured ankle, following everything she did in the previous update by script.
So far so good. I take a look over Kaede before turning to the exit. “I'm going to be heading out now. Take good care of Kaede, okay?”
“Of course. I'm on infirmary duty. I'll do my best to take care of him.” Momiji laughs.
“Yeah.” I stop right before exiting. Damn protagonist blood coursing through my veins. “And... if you remember, make sure to go save Kaede from the foot of the mountain. He'll be near the river pass.”
“...Macha?” The young wolf tengu calls my name hesitantly. “Are you going somewhere?”
“Sort of.” I give the boy a weak smile. “Don't worry about it. I have some business to take care of.”
He smiles shyly, “Okay. See you later, Macha.”
“...Yeah.” Damn. I guess I do have a soft spot for cute wolf boys.
'See you later,' he said. I guess he isn't wrong. I'm going back another choice or two - back when you first meet Kaede. Funny. To progress the story, I have to reset everything that I did. Pretty sad, isn't it?
[ ] You think it's sad.
[ ] You think it's not really sad. (How cruel)
[ ] Irony is a good literary device.
[ ] Do you even care at all?
-[ ] Yes
-[ ] No
-[ ] You think I'm pretty insecure to ask that. (...)
>>186113 With all the retconning talk as of late, I'm getting a lot of Undertale vibes, Macha. I hope you won't end up like a certain flower we know...
[x] You think it's sad.
Hold on to your empathy and compassion, lest you become a heartless monster.
Yeah. For once, I'm glad we agree on something. I wonder if Kaede will remember me. Don't think it's likely, but a girl can dream. Anyway, we should keep going. There's no path but backwards now. Ain't that shitty? I wonder how far I have to go back until nobody remembers anything anymore. Meh, brooding isn't going to help. Let's retcon.
Deeper into the rabbit hole I go.
[x] Make me go bother the youkai up in the mountains.
I'll just keep going back and back again. Kaede's curled up behind a tree, sniffling quietly to himself. I approach the little wolf tengu with my arms up. Hope he's smart enough to realize that I'm not looking for a fight. “Hey there, kid.”
He blushes and wipes his tears, looking up at me with pleading eyes. “H-Hello,” he cordially says, bowing his head as far down as he could. “I'm in some trouble. I don't want to trouble you, but it's hard for me to walk." He looks straight into my eyes. "I know I can trust you. I can feel it. Could you help me, Big Sis?"
A dagger to my heart. Fuck, that's unfair. How am I supposed to react to that? I was also tempted as hell to make him call me Macha and not 'Big Sis' but I'm sure he doesn't remember me at all. “I wish I could, little wolf, but I can't be here for much longer.”
He averts his eyes, flattening his ears in response to my words. “...Ah. I see.”
“Sorry. It's not the right time and place for me to be here. And..” I trail off, thinking of the right words to say. “If you still remember, don't go out and practice flying by yourself. Ask an older wolf tengu who knows what they're doing to help you. Don't be an idiot and get yourself into this mess again.”
He nods in shame, hanging his head down low. Kaede then realizes something. “Big Sis, how did you know I went out to practice flying?”
But I was already gone.
[x] An unfortunate amanojaku, Seija, blah blah blah.
I head out the classroom, ignoring Keine's protests. I grab Seija right out of the plot and grind my knuckles straight to her temples. “Hey, Seija. You caught me in a really bad mood, so I'd appreciate it if you'd take your little upside-down shit shenanigans away from here. Because I swear, if you move that school building as much as an inch, I'm going to make you wish you never existed.”
The amanojaku sneers and tilts the building forward slightly.
“Oh, you smug little bastard, you are pushing your luck right now.” I grab both sides of Seija's face and headblast her with my forehead. When I let go, her knees wobble and Seija stumbles to the floor. The building returns to its original position, flat on the ground again.
Keine walks out of the classroom in hurried steps. “Was that–”
“I've caught the culprit, yes." I point to Seija. She's spewing obscenities under her breath, rubbing her forehead. "I had a feeling she was snooping around."
“Oh. I see.” Keine's usual neutral expression falters, changing to a more disheartened one. “Macha, are you feeling unwell? You've been wearing that miserable frown for the entire class.”
“I've certainly been better.” Keine is quick to pick up on these kinds of things. I force a half-assed smile. “Maybe I'll get better if we take a break from studying and have recess.”
She waves over to the classroom. “I've been thinking about a trip to the lake. The children have been restless since you arrived.” Keine smiles weakly, her hat tipping slightly to the right. “Will you go with us?”
“I have something to do now. If I, uh, finish early, I'll consider dropping by.” It's an empty promise, but I'm not going to tell her no. “Don't tell the kids that. I don't want them getting hopeful.”
“Yes, of course.” The teacher does her little lecture-nod. “Then I'll see you later. Take care, Macha.”
Right. At least you guys won't forget me. It all works out. I'd be a little sad if nobody were to remember me. Let the author know that they need to get their shit together and write a happy ending for me. This is supposed to be slice of life, right? The protagonist has to have a good end. Now, where was I?
Oh yeah. Just finished a bath after the choice was made. The house I live in is my home, but it's also a place so strange to me. As the protagonist, I was expected to live here. But the place feels more like a library or bookstore than actual living quarters. Thousands of texts line the shelves of the walls, which all seem to go on forever. I feel more like a visitor than the owner of my home. I quickly dress myself and leave the shack.
The children frolic and scream, doing kid actions and saying kid words. Upon my arrival, they all gather around, surrounding me. “Macha, are you here to play?”
I sit myself down on a patch of grass and lean back. “Not today. I have some thinking to do. I'll just watch you chumps do your thing.”
“Are you sure?” asks one of the children. He has an insistent look on his face. “We're playing monster. Don't you want to join? I know you wanna play!”
I shoo him away. “Some other time.” The rest of the children disperse back into the grassy field, chasing each other around. They wave their imaginary swords and shields, tumbling over each other. But without me, they're just playing a glorified version of tag. I know I should hurry and retcon back another update, but I want to watch the children play for a little while longer. They play and they study, and then they play and they study some more, absorbed in the little world that they created for themselves.
Finally, I stand up and wave to the children. It's been long enough. “Alright, kiddos. it's been fun, but I need to go leave.” With a final statement, I add, “All of you be good, okay?”
“Okay!” The children repeat back to me.
See ya, kids. I'll miss 'em.
[x] (Dumb, vague flashback)
Gods. I have to sit through the flashback again. I can't even retcon until this is all over.
“Macha,” the figure speaks. It approaches me and strokes my hair very gently, though it is a head smaller than me in height. The scent of fresh paper and new ink is in the air.
Yeah, so I've heard the first time. Not only is it a generic flashback, but it's the same exact one I had before. I wearily sit through the entire thing.
“In due time, you will be great.” Though I am unable to see the figure, I can imagine the smile they have on their face.
The words are all the same. I can't even say anything during the flashback. There's actually not much point to it. I know who's talking to me and why this is happening. It's only a matter of time. When the flashback ends, I immediately go back another few choices.
[x] Second tier choice that will never win but will be voted on.
How nostalgic. I still don't get why this won. Idiots, all of ya.
[ ] You tell me that I'm an idiot too.
[ ] You keep your (wrong) opinions to yourselves.
[ ] Third tier choice that will never win and won't even get a single vote. (Haha.)
[x] Third tier choice that will never win and won't even get a single vote.
I didn't expect anything less from you guys. Really, this choice winning was an inevitable result. It's pretty funny, actually. All I do is play with the inevitable. Pretty soon, this story will end – either because it will implode on itself or I will force it to finish with an ending. Then we can all wake up from this nightmare and go get some tea from Mystia's.
Chen dips out of the crowd, running over to me. “I didn't hear quite what you said. Anyway, whatcha up to, Macha?” The girl's in a flowing red kimono, tied back to accommodate for her smaller figure. She's wearing a well-polished, pink-and-white floral hairpin, a much more elegant headpiece than her tacky green cap.
The first thing I do immediately after the retcon is fluff up her hair real good.
“That's not an answer to my question.” She shakes her head, smoothing down her hair again. “Are you here for the festival? If you are, then you just missed it. Both you and I were late to the party.”
“Nah. I'm not here for the festival anymore. I gotta set some things straight. Been slacking off just 'cause the Carnival was happening.”
“I know that feeling. I had some orders from Ran last spring but I ended up never doing them so I could attend last year's festival.” Her expression sours as she swishes her tail around impatiently. “Now karma's biting me in the butt. I got what I deserved.”
“I don't know about that. You'll get a second chance, I'm sure.” I smile at the cat. “Next time, you better wake up in time for the festival. You won't get a third chance so make it count.”
“You don't have to tell me.” Chen grins but quickly drops it after a moment of consideration. “...Huh? A second chance?”
“You'll know when you get there. I just hope you remember.” With a wave, I say goodbye to Chen. “Anyway. No time to chit-chat. So long. See you another time, maybe.”
“Yeah,” says the cat. She returns your wave. “See you soon!”
Retcons. Retcons. Retcons.
[x] DON'T HOLD ME BACK, READER
“Stay back!” She whimpers, exploding into a flurry of danmaku. “You're messin' with the wrong fairy!”
Just having returned from a retcon, I'm suddenly met with a face-full of colorful bullets. They explode and now all my clothes are ruined. Luckily, she's just a little fairy so I didn't sustain any threatening injuries. But, uh... which fairy was it again? Sunny Milk? Cirno? I squint over to my assailant but already the story's falling apart from its seams. Misty Lake fades into black-and-white text, leaving only a sea of descriptive adjectives in its wake. Uh. Help me out here, readers.
[ ] You think it was Cirno.
[ ] You know it was Sunny Milk.
[ ] You say, based on the loaded choices above, that it's definitely Sunny Milk.
No. 185325
