[Return]
Archived Thread

File 14226316658.jpg - (39.79KB , 300x450 , red-deer-stag-8552926.jpg ) [iqdb]
184064 No. 184064
“Alright, sis, which one came first, egg or chicken?” Your twin sister asks absent-mindedly, not even slowing down her pace. Most likely because she’s bored, but probably also because she knows that you’ll give an interesting answer.

You, following her merely a few steps behind, give a moment of pause to think about the answer to an unanswerable question.

“I assume the egg in question is a chicken egg?”

“What else?”

“Well, egg laying animals has been around long before KFC, you know.”

You and your sister move to the side of the dirt road you’ve been walking on for the last hour or so as you pass a group of people with strange and ancient-looking outfits. They give the two of you a mere glance before proceeding to wherever they are going.

“That’s the fifth group of people we’ve passed dressed like that.” You point out. “Maybe there’s a festival?”

“Nah. The colors of their clothes are too drab. And not the kind you would wear to a festival. Seriously sis, you spent way to long in the Americas.”

“Festival or not, I’m still interested about the bunch of Canadian Canine Cloud Strifeses flying above us.” You point at the group of tailed humanoid flying around about a kilometer above the two of you, as if in patrol. Each carrying an oversized sword and a round shield with the symbol of a maple leaf on them.

“Eh, dunno. The world is an interesting place. Now, about my question…”

“Right. It’s egg.”

“And how did you come to that conclusion?”

“Well, assuming that the theory of evolution is correct, then before chicken even exist, there must be some sort of predecessor species. Something like…deer.”

Suddenly, your path is blocked by a large stag.

“Deer is the predecessor species of chicken?”

“I will score that bit of humor ten points.”

“Nice.”

“Out of hundred.”

“well, fuck you, then.”

The witty banter of two sisters suddenly got rudely interrupted by the stag screaming.

“Humans! From the outside!”

The two of you look curiously at the stag, though for completely different reason between each of you.

“Sis, how much a talking stag would sell in a circus?” your sister asked.

“Well, depends…”

You’d like to answer your sister’s question, but the stag’s mouth suddenly splits open, much wider than any species of deer should be capable of, revealing multi-layered, razor sharp teeth that look more fitting inside the mouth of a great white shark. How the hell is that thing even talk?

The stag charges, and your sister is the closest between the two of you.

“Excuse me.”

You watch in mild bemusement as a gloved fist smashes the stag right on the side of the head, sending it to the ground. Moving quickly, your sister immediately pins the beast down before it could even start considering trying to stand up. With the beast still staggering from the initial punch, your sister uses this chance to start pummeling the poor mammal, like she has either an untenable hatred or an unquenchable desire towards all forms of venison. Each of her punches hits the stag right on the snout, causing sickening crunching sound with each strike.

You wait for your sister to stop, but she just keeps on hitting. Judging by the lack of movement, you’d assume that the stag is already pacified.

“Are you going to kill it, or are you going to settle with just ‘unconscious’?”

“Dunno. You hungry?” your sister asks back, still punching. Her arm is now nothing but a blur in the air, and the crunching sound now has turn into a nasty wet sound. You think she already pureed the poor deer skull.

“If you suggesting I’m eating that…”

“Hm. True. We won’t have enough space for dinner, and it’s in bad manner to waste food.”

“Are you suggesting that we eat an entire stag? You already killed the damn thing.”

“Touche.”

You sister finally stops pummeling the unlucky fauna. She stands up, leaving the limp body of a large stag on the ground in an excessively sad condition. If this is a comic book, the universe would have already self-censored. The head part looks like someone has thrown a wild jack hammer inside a big bowl of jell-o. What the fuck, sis.

“Let’s forget about that issue for a moment. Got any tissue on you? I got brain matters all over my fist.”

“Your own fault. And did you just rhyme on purpose?” You give your sister a pack of wet tissue from your bag.

“No, I didn’t. Anyway, about the egg…”

“Right. If we assume Darwin was right…”

“You rhymed.”

“No, I’m just using the same word twice in a sentence. Anyway, if Darwin was right, then let’s say that in the line of evolution of chicken, just right before the true chicken, there was some form of an early egg laying species, like a pseudo-chicken…”

“Chickozilla.”

“Right, let’s say that this chickozilla laid an egg, and due to a series of genetic mutations that started way before chickozilla even exist…”

“Her name was Amanda.”

“What.” No. this level of stupidity not even worth the question mark.

“This particular chickozilla was named Amanda.”

“Sierra Hotel. Fine. A chickozilla named Amanda laid an egg, and from that egg, due to evolution, hatched forth the very first of the true chicken. So the line would be chickozilla-egg-chicken. The egg came first.”

You finished your explanation with a dramatic clap of your hands, though your sister doesn’t seem to be that impressed.

“Interesting theory.” Your sister comments as she gives you back your pack of wet tissue. “But I think you’re bullshitting me.”

“Maybe. That theory would fail miserably if we put the graduality of evolution into account. No one species could give birth to an entirely different species except in fantasy. But like it or not, with my current level of knowledge, that was my best answer. This question had too much variables. Whether you believe in Darwin, God, or both, the species of chicken in question, the distinction between chickozilla egg and a chicken egg, and many other things. Basically, the truth of the question is based on perception. I’d say we just go Schrodinger.”

“And that means..?”

“Point a middle finger to the world and say ‘I just locked a kitten and left it to die inside of a fucking cabinet. Do I look like I give a flaming fuckjack?’. how ‘bout that?”

“That’s horrible.”

“That was a joke.”

“Still, horrible.”

You hear a moan, and your conversation is once again interrupted by the sound of a deer. Though this time the deer sounds less ‘rawr ima eat u’ and more ‘o fuk im gonna die’.

“It’s still alive. And the bone structure seems to have rearranged itself. Whatever this creature is, it has some form of healing factor.”

“Can I start pumping Adamantium inside myself if I eat it?” your sister asks. You are not sure if she was joking.

“DNA modification through oral means would be difficult.” You say sarcastically, though you’re not sure if she would catch it.

“please…” The stag moaned from the ground, apparently already regaining most of the use of its voice box. “I have children…”

“Well, now that changed everything.”

“Thank…you…”

“Say, sis, have you ever eaten a roast fawn before?”

“Noooo…”

“I can’t say I have. But I must admit, that does sound appetizing.”

You slowly approach the stag, which is still too beaten in the head to stand.

You squat next to its head, and through its half destroyed face, you see that this creature’s anatomy is indeed different than any other deer that you have…examined, before. You can also see fear, or at least you would, if your eyes are capable to perceive the spectrum of fear.

“Say, mister deer…”

[ ] If you would show us the way to your children, I think we’d let you live.
-kill him anyway.

[ ] If you would point us to the nearest settlement, I’ll forget that you tried to kill us.
-Have your sister kill him.

[ ] Say, do you mind if I dissect your throat? Then I’ll let you go.
-dissect and kill him.

[ ] Can you point us to the nearest place where we can get some food?
-fancy
-homely

[ ] say, what do you think about being my pet?

[ ] *Fuck it. Let’s eat him.

[ ] *kill and skin. Let the crows have a feast.

Any combination of the above plus write ins are fine, like asking for the direction of the settlement, kill and skin, then go to the village to make a quick buck. Get it? Buck?

No. 184065
[X] If you would point us to the nearest settlement, I’ll forget that you tried to kill us.
-[X] Have your sister kill and skin him, and make a nice coat out his hide.
No. 184066
[ ] If you would show us the way to your children, I think we’d let you live.
-kill him anyway.
-Skin them all.
-Take all their flesh. Enjoy a Burger.
-Ask someone else where the village is, now with hunter/merchant disguise.
No. 184067
[X] If you would point us to the nearest settlement, I’ll forget that you tried to kill us.
-[X] Have your sister kill and skin him, and make a nice coat out his hide.
No. 184068
[x] say, what do you think about being my pet?

I dunno. I like the possibility of riding a stag.
No. 184070
[ ] say, what do you think about being my pet?

Can always kill it later
No. 184071
>>184070

Once it's attained pet status, nobody is going to vote to kill it since it might be useful or have an interesting personality. That's why I want to kill him now before I start getting attached to him.
No. 184084
>you spent way to long in the Americas.

COME ON MAN

>“Alright, sis, which one came first, egg or chicken?” Your twin sister asks absent-mindedly

'they said' and equivalents after dialogue do not get capitalized. They're part of the same sentence. Dialogue punctuation does not necessarily imply prose punctuation.

>“Well, egg laying animals has been around long before KFC, you know.”

Have been around. Is English not your first language? It's okay if it isn't.

>
“That’s the fifth group of people we’ve passed dressed like that.” You point out. “Maybe there’s a festival?”

When you're following dialogue with 'they said', periods do not go at the end of your dialogue. Commas do. This sentence should be written as follows:


“That’s the fifth group of people we’ve passed dressed like that,” you point out. “Maybe there’s a festival?”

> Seriously sis, you spent way to long in the Americas.”

Should be "Seriously, sis, et cetera blah blah blah." Commas almost always go before names/things people are calling each other in dialogue. Not doing so is to ruin your flow.

>“Festival or not, I’m still interested about the bunch of Canadian Canine Cloud Strifeses flying above us.”

Interested in, not interested about. Also, Jesus Christ, did you just make a FF7 reference? What is this, fanfiction.net?

We have standards.

>You point at the group of tailed humanoid flying around about

Tailed humanoids. It's a group, so it is a plurality of individuals. As such, you use the plural form of the word.

>“Right. It’s egg.”
>“Deer is the predecessor species of chicken?”

While the singular forms of the nouns {egg, chicken} may be in the most technical way correct, it's... extremely awkward. I would suggest making all of these into plural nouns (which, incidentally, doesn't change Deer at all, and I read it as the plural noun in that sentence anyway.)

>“Out of hundred.”

Out of a hundred or out of one hundred. Hundred is one of those words that does not work well on its own, it needs a word preceding it that modifies it, else it sounds and flows awkwardly.

I also think it's grammatically incorrect, but I am not certain on this point.

>“well, fuck you, then.”

Jesus Christ you didn't even proofread this yourself, did you?

>The witty banter of two sisters suddenly got rudely interrupted by the stag screaming.

You switched to past tense in this sentence when the rest of your story is written in present tense. This is jarring to your readers, and is a terrible thing to do. Keep your tenses consistent.

Also, the banter wasn't really all that witty.

I would rewrite this and the next sentence as follows: The witty banter of two sisters suddenly gets rudely interrupted by the stag screaming, “Humans! From the outside!”

As currently written, it implies that the stag screams, and THEN uses words. As I rewrote it, it implies that the stag screamed out the words.

>The two of you look curiously at the stag, though for completely different reason between each of you.

Completely different reasons. Multiple people, multiple reasons. Plural noun.

>“Sis, how much a talking stag would sell in a circus?” your sister asked.

Your 'would' is in the wrong place. You want it before the 'a'. You also need the word 'for' after 'sell. Finally, while you got the post-dialogue capitalization correct (though I believe that you only did so by mistake,) you've run into some redundancy. The first word in the dialogue is 'sis'. Implying the sister. Then, you repeat yourself in the words trailing the dialogue. Unnecessary repetition is a great way to break flow. Repetition can be a useful, powerful tool in prose. Here, it is flow-breaking and jarring. Also, you slipped into past tense again. Pick one tense and stick with it.

Consider a rewrite as such:

“How much would a talking stag sell for in a circus?” your sister asks.

>How the hell is that thing even talk?

How the hell does that thing even talk? Is is the wrong word to use there.

>your sister immediately pins the beast down before it could even start considering trying to stand up.

Before it can even start. Needs to be consistent present tense.

>You watch in mild bemusement as a gloved fist smashes the stag right on the side of the head
>Each of her punches hits the stag right on the snout

Is it the side of the head or the snout? It can't be both and exclusively the snout at the same time.

>causing sickening crunching sound with each strike.

Should read 'causing a sickening crunching sound
'. The definite article 'a' is required.

>and the crunching sound now has turn into a nasty wet sound

Now I'm going to seem like I'm contradicting myself, but I'm not. You want to use the past tense of 'turn', 'turned'. This is because that the verb happened before this line of prose, and as such, even though the story is told in present tense, that verb needs to be past tense.

>You think she already pureed the poor deer skull.

Now here is an unfortunate choice of words. 'Purée' is a word with an accent mark, and even though accent marks are not actually part of the English language, the word still requires them. Also, it would be 'the poor deer's skull', as the deer still possesses the skull. Moreover, stags and deer are different animals. You can't make a stag magically into a deer within one line of prose. Well, you can, but you didn't intend to there.

>“If you suggesting I’m eating that…”

If 'you're' suggesting.

>“Hm. True. We won’t have enough space for dinner, and it’s in bad manner to waste food.”

In bad manners.

>“Touche.”

See above with 'Purée'. The accent mark is required.

>I got brain matters all over my fist.”

Brain matter. Matter does not get the plural 's' appended to it unless it's referring to 'matters' in the sense of 'matters of state', 'matters of the heart', et cetera. Physical matter is always singular.

>“Right. If we assume Darwin was right…”
>“You rhymed.”

That's only acceptable rhyming if you're Lil' Wayne. That nigga rhymes words with themselves. And with 'nigga'. Rhymes are words that sound similar, not the same word.

>way before chickozilla even exist…”

Existed.

>“What.” No. this level of stupidity not even worth the question mark.

I can accept the flat what. I cannot accept the uncapitalized beginning of the sentence. Also, breaking the fourth wall in such a way is poor form. If you're going to break the fourth wall to make a joke, at least make the joke funny.

>You finished your explanation with a dramatic clap of your hands, though your sister doesn’t seem to be that impressed.

Tense issues. Should be 'finish', not 'finished'.

>“Interesting theory.” Your sister comments as she gives you back your pack of wet tissue. “But I think you’re bullshitting me.”

Should be a comma instead of a period, and should not have capitalization on 'your'.

>This question had too much variables.

Too many variables. 'Many' is used for nouns that are countable, like one variable, two variables, et cetera. 'Much' is used for uncountable nouns, like 'too much water'.

>I’d say we just go Schrodinger

His name requires the umlaut over the o, a la Schrödinger.

>“Point a middle finger to the world and say ‘I just locked a kitten and left it to die inside of a fucking cabinet. Do I look like I give a flaming fuckjack?’. how ‘bout that?”

Quotes inside dialogue are punctuated under the exact same rules as dialogue inside quotes. Here, since you have separate, unlinked sentences, it should read as follows:

“Point a middle finger to the world and say ‘I just locked a kitten and left it to die inside of a fucking cabinet. Do I look like I give a flaming fuckjack?’ How ‘bout that?”

>You hear a moan, and your conversation is once again interrupted by the sound of a deer. Though this time the deer sounds less ‘rawr ima eat u’ and more ‘o fuk im gonna die’.

I don't think anyone knows whether or not this is a deer or a stag anymore.

>“Can I start pumping Adamantium inside myself if I eat it?” your sister asks. You are not sure if she was joking.

Adamantium is not a proper noun. As such, you would not capitalize it, unless it's the first word of a sentence.

>“DNA modification through oral means would be difficult.” You say sarcastically, though you’re not sure if she would catch it.

You were doing so well. Needs a comma at the end of the dialogue instead of a period, the 'you' needs to be uncapitalized.

>“please…” The stag moaned from the ground, apparently already regaining most of the use of its voice box. “I have children…”

Just because you're dying is no reason to ignore the rules of capitalization. 'Please' should be capitalized, 'the' should not be.

>“Well, now that changed everything.”

Should be 'that's'.

>“Thank…you…”

Ellipses get used like any other form of punctuation: that is, you should have a space separating the end of the ellipsis from the next word. Should read as: “Thank… you…”

>You can also see fear, or at least you would, if your eyes are capable to perceive the spectrum of fear.

This sentence has problems. One, it's grammatically wrong. Two, you basically wrote "If you could do thing, you'd see thing, but you can't do thing, so you didn't see thing."

Why would you even bother to include that?

>choices

Your capitalization is woefully inconsistent. Fix that. Choices are sentences, even if you don't want to punctuate them at the end. As such, you need to capitalize the first word.

Your technical writing needs work. Get yourself a proofreader, friend-o.

On the content side of things, I see problems already. Your characters are LELRANDUMB and KINDA EDGY and INTELLECTUAL. They just beat the shit out of a deerstag because they could, and then they pulped it. And then it wasn't dead. All the while discussing philosophy.

That may seem cool to you, the writer, as you're looking through the glass at these characters with all your biases. We see them as wholly unlikable people who are given to stupid whims.

But all that said, the only way to get better is to practice. I am not telling you to STOP WRITING AND KILL YOURSELF. No, rather, keep writing, but be aware that you can (and are) fuck(ing) up, and if you can do that, you're already well on your way to improving.
No. 184085
>>184084
tl;dr
No. 184086
>>184084
Hear, hear. Please, at least try to fix the obvious ones.
No. 184087
>>184085
The tl;dr for you is to get out, nobody likes you. It was intended for the author to read.

And if he wants a tl;dr, he can get the fuck out too.
No. 184088
>>184084

See this? You kids don't know how good y'all got it nowadays. Back in my day, all we got was a "You suck. Write better". And we had to walk 13 miles uphill both ways to read it too.
No. 184090
>>184087
Okay yeah how about this bit
>We see them as wholly unlikable people who are given to stupid whims.
That's your opinion, not mine. I like them, and want more.
No. 184091
>Your characters are LELRANDUMB and KINDA EDGY and INTELLECTUAL. They just beat the shit out of a deerstag because they could, and then they pulped it. And then it wasn't dead. All the while discussing philosophy.
This is perfectly normal. Don't worry about it, it's fine.
No. 184092
Yea what was up with saying the characters are unlikeable? That's kinda rude.