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179187 No. 179187
Yukari Yakumo, to be perfectly blunt, was bored. The last time she'd bothered Reimu had ended with an incredibly uncomfortable acupuncture session, and the shrine maiden wasn't likely to warm up any time soon. Yuyuko, meanwhile, was always pleasant company, but at the same time, hardly exciting.

Gensokyo had quieted down in general, actually, which left Yukari with few ways to pass the time. Using her gaps as a sort of inter-dimensional television was, while not the most dignified use of her powers, certainly an entertaining one. So, after going on the mystical equivalent of a TV binge, Yukari settled on a particular location in the Badlands, USA, where sixteen men and two persons of indeterminate gender were currently in the middle of a bloody, bomb-lobbing, flame-throwing, bat-swinging brawl. As she watched them fight and scream and die and come back from the grave to do it all again, she smiled.

And then Yukari started to prepare.

-----

It had been a trying few weeks for Yukari to get everything discreetly set up; letting anyone besides her trusted servants know what she was plotting would only end poorly, given she was essentially scheming an Incident, capital I. Still, all the preparations were complete. There was only one last thing to do before the games could begin.

Yukari cracked her knuckles, rolled the kinks out of her neck, and finally waved a hand: nine separate gaps formed on her ceiling, and as many red-clad people fell through to collapse in one giant, angry, shouting pile.

“What the hell-”

“Geddoff, fatso!” said a distinctly Australian voice.

“MMMPH!”

“D-doctor,” groaned a man in a suit and balaclava, nearly broken in half.

The largest man of the group roared, bursting upright from the bottom of the manpile and scattering everyone else in the process. Yukari waited precisely long enough for the men to reorganize themselves before she cleared her throat.

“Gentlemen!” she said, in flawless English. “I trust you took the landing well?”

“You!” said the giant bald man, his voice gravelly and Russian accent thick. “What's the matter with you? Heavy was holding point!”

“Allow me to introduce myself first,” Yukari said, steepling her fingers. “I am Yukari Yakumo, your host for the next few days. I already know all of you, of course; your battles are very entertaining!”

The person in the asbestos-lined suit and gas-mask raised a hand. “Mmph?” Pyro asked. Yukari scrunched up her face, trying to decipher whatever the man/woman/thing was trying to say, and promptly decided it wasn't worth the effort.

“In any case!” she said. “I have a job for all of you!”

The goggles-wearing man in overalls stepped forward. “Ma'am, putting aside my interest in however you got us here,” he said, his Texan drawl relaxed. “it'd be a breach of our contracts with RED if we took on any other work. Noncompete clauses, you understand?”

Nein, nein, Engie,” said the man in the doctor's coat, a calculating look in his eyes. “Let us hear what the fräulein has to say, first.”

Yukari allowed herself a smirk. “Wise words, doctor. And, considering I'm the only way you're getting back to your badlands, I don't think you have much of a choice anyway.”

That prompted a heavy sigh from the black Scottish cyclopes. “Oi, lassie, what've we got to do now?”

“I'm glad you asked, Demo!” Yukari said, all smiles, ignoring how Demoman sputtered in surprise at her knowing his name. “The conditions of your contract are thus: I have planted flags in several of Gensokyo's major locations. Your goal is to capture and bring them to the Human Village. You'll be provided with maps to show you where your objectives are.”

Heavy grunted. “Is too simple. What is catch?”

Yukari leaned back in her chair. “Several catches, actually. Every single flag is hidden away deep in hostile territory. You'll have to trespass to get to them, and news will travel fast once you start shooting places up to retrieve them. Also, all your weapons have been rendered non-lethal. Yes, Spy, even your knife. You can still jam it into the base of people's spines, but you're not going to do much more than knock them silly.”

“Mon dieu,” Spy said, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Also,” Yukari said, “everyone you will meet can shoot waves upon waves of magic bullets, can fly, and are almost exclusively pretty young women.”

Everyone present fell silent.

“Oh. My. Holy. Crap,” Scout said. “I am so in!”

Yukari fixed the mercenaries with a bright smile. “That's one down. What about the rest of you?”

“What happens if we say no?” Sniper asked, hand on his chin. A gap opened up beneath his feet and, after the man fell through with a scream, it closed as swiftly as it appeared. Another gap opened in the ceiling, and he landed in a heap. “Ow.

“That happens,” Yukari said, unflinching despite the assortment of guns now pointed her way. “Oh, do put those away, I was only making a point.”

Soldier spat on the floor. “Lady, if you try that crap again, I will oh my gooooooooooooood-

As Soldier plummeted through a pair of portals in a cycle of perpetual motion, screaming all the while, Yukari allowed herself a little smirk.

Her triumph was short lived as all the mercenaries opened fire, and the only thing that saved her head from being blown off was a swift drop through a gap beneath her feet. On the plus side, no one had heard her yelp over all the gunfire.

“Coward woman runs away!” Heavy said, sweeping the room with his minigun.

“Oi! Come on out and fight, ya wee lassie!” Demoman said, launching sticky-bombs without a care as to how everyone on his team was in the blast radius.

“I. AM STILL. FALLING. LADIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES-” Soldier screamed, peppering the walls with random shotgun fire.

Yukari popped out a freshly-opened gap in the ceiling, hanging upside down and pouting fiercely at the men below her. “I'm paying you in hats!”

Everyone froze, except Soldier since he was still falling, but even his screams sounded intrigued.

“A-are they cool hats?” Scout asked.

Yukari nodded. “The coolest.

Sniper shrugged. “Well, I'm convinced.”

General agreement rose up from the crowd.

Yukari clapped her hands together. “Excellent! There's one more thing-”

“I SHOULD NOT HAVE EATEN SO MANY RATIONS THIS MORNING. AAAAAARGH-”

“Oh, hush,” Yukari said, and with a wave of her hand Soldier crashed headfirst into the floor. “Before you get to work, there is the little detail of how I'm restricting you to three men in the field at once, and I'm deciding who gets to go. Also, the rest of you get to stay in my eyeball dimension while they're working. Toodles!” With a waggle of her fingers, one massive gap opened up beneath the men, and everyone save Soldier fell in screaming. Soldier, meanwhile, had managed to grab hold of the floor, but his grip was rapidly slipping.

“I thought Merasmus was the worst wizard, but you!” he said, shaking a fist. “I am going to put my boot down your throat, you- wait a second.” He rubbed his chin thoughtfully, heedless of how he was now dangling by his fingers. “What's your name? I need it so I can curse you properly.”

“Yukari, thank you.”

“Right!” Soldier's fingers lost their grip, and he plummeted into the eyeball dimension. “DAMN YOU, YUKARIIIIIIIIIII-”

The gap sealed itself with an audible zip.

“Well, that was exciting!” Yukari said, all smiles.

-----

SELECT ANY THREE TO FORM YOUR TEAM

[OFFENSE]

[X] Scout: Fastest of the team. Gets in close with a scattergun and blasts people away, and heckles enemies from mid-range with a pistol, but can't take a hit to save his life. Also keeps a giant mackerel on his person so he can beat people up with a fish.

[X] Soldier: Good at all ranges with rocket-launcher and shotgun, can also rocket-jump for boosted mobility at the cost of BLOWING HIMSELF UP WITH A ROCKET LAUNCHER.

[X] Pyro: Useless outside close range, but absolutely terrifying in direct combat. Can airblast enemies with his flamethrower, launching them through the air and setting them up for a deadly 1-2 punch combo with her secondary weapons.

[DEFENSE]

[X] Demoman: Bombs for everyone! Fantastic damage output with his pipe-bomb and sticky-grenade launchers, alongside above-average durability, make him an excellent choice for most situations, but he lacks the ability to clear out anyone getting in his face without blowing himself up.

[X] Heavy: Toughest member of the team by far. Has a huge minigun, a sandvich that turns him into an unstoppable killing machine, and his fists can break steel. Slow as hell.

[X] Engineer: Can build sentry guns and dispensers, the latter of which heal and resupply teammates. Armed with a shotgun and pistol, but is still fairly weak in combat. Has a mean swing with his wrench, however, so foes may be caught off-guard if they underestimate him. If he chops off his hand and replaces it with a robot version, can deploy minisentries.

[SUPPORT]

[X] Medic: Can heal teammates and, once he's built up an Ubercharge, make them invincible. Fairly bad at combat, but can steal health from enemies with his Blutsauger needlegun. His Ubersaw also boosts his Ubercharge on a successful hit to an enemy. Also, it glows the more Uber is stored, which is hella neato.

[X] Sniper: Specializes in long-range takedowns. Throws piss at people, which makes them lose their will to live and sets them up for a kukri to the face.

[X] Spy: Master infiltrator, can turn invisible and disguise himself as anyone, provided he has prep-time to draw their face on a paper mask. Backstabs enemies to one-shot them. Otherwise weak.

No. 179188
[x]Demoman
[x]Medic pocketing Demo
[x]Solly as the roamer

LETS DO THIS.
No. 179190
[X] Pyro
[X] Demoman
[X] Sniper

Because no team is complete without the Sniper...or five.
No. 179191
[X] Demoman
[X] Sniper
[X] Spy

Gotta play dat stealth game while we still have the chance.
No. 179192
How come Yukari never mentioned that all the young ladies were wearing hats and/or other hair ornaments, some of which the RED team couldn't even imagine in their wildest dreams? (I'm looking at you, Keine.)
That probably would have sold them on the idea faster than the fact that they're all young ladies.
Anyway...

[X] Scout
[X] Engineer
[X] Spy

We should start with some intelligence gathering.

Engineer will set up a basecamp while Scout and Spy go see what the hell they've all gotten themselves into.
Scout is great for going around really fast and getting attention. Meanwhile, the Spy will use the distraction to do what he does best: crabwalk around and get into places he's not supposed to be to reach things he's not supposed to touch and/or know about.
No. 179194
>Paid in hats
Brilliant
No. 179201
All right, seems you lot are as nigh-unanimous as a peasly four voters can be with taking Demoman. The backstabbing Spy*, alongside my personal favorite master of Jar-Based Karate, the Sniper, are tied at two votes, and finally everyone else has a sad, lonely vote, except Heavy, because no one wants a fat man on their team.

>>179192

>How come Yukari never mentioned that all the young ladies were wearing hats and/or other hair ornaments, some of which the RED team couldn't even imagine in their wildest dreams?

If there was room in my life for another purple-clad temptress, I would be THE FIRST to get a statement from Yukari! Hell, I'd try anyway, but there's also the issue of how the woman doesn't have any phones, which, as you might imagine, makes any correspondence INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT.

In any case! Considering this MODERATELY EXCITING OPENING was posted at an UNGODLY HOUR, I will LEAVE THE VOTES OPEN for a length of time I will be keeping entirely to myself! It may be five minutes! It may be another day! IT WILL PROBABLY FALL SOMEWHERE BETWEEN THOSE TWO!

I AM LOVING THIS ABILITY TO BOLD TEXT.





*There was no error with tags at this exact spot! This is the original post! If anyone wants to say otherwise, they can take it up with me!
No. 179202
[X] Sniper
[X] Spy
[X] Medic
No. 179204
>>179201

>and finally everyone else has a sad, lonely vote, except Heavy, because no one wants a fat man on their team.


[x] Heavy
[x] Heavy
[x] Heavy
No. 179206
[X] Sniper
[X] Spy
[X] Demonman

Stealth while it lasts
No. 179207
>>179206
>Stealth while it lasts
>Picking Demoman
What.
No. 179208
Remember when I said votes would be open? They are now CLOSED!

Tallying up the votes, it seems the winners are Spy, Sniper, and Demoman!

Now all you have to do, dear readers, is wait an unspecified time for my story-writer to do his damn job and deliver FREE ENTERTAINMENT! I was going to charge money for this, but then I was told that 'unauthorized crossover material cannot be monetized.' [THANK]/[CURSE] Bidwell if you wanted to [MOOCH]/[SUPPORT MANN-CO].

>>179204

I like your moxie, little Japanese girl! Unfortunately, my lawyers have informed me that you cannot stack multiple votes on a single merc, thanks to a law about rigging elections. Frankly, I stopped caring about five words into the explanation, so you'd have to take it up with Bidwell if you want any specifics. As consolation, I will go out and punch ONE (1) hippie while thinking of you!

>>179206

>Demonman

Now I know Mr. Degroot is a black Scottish cyclopes, but that is just uncalled for.

>>179207

Off-duty and sober, Demoman is actually quite good at being inconspicuous!* However, considering he is fresh off the battlefield, he is currently neither of those things.

*See TF Comics #2: "Unhappy Returns"
No. 179209
Oh Mah Lord!

This quest is Amazing! AMAZING!

I will be watching this with THE INTENSITY OF A THOUSAND ANGRY AUSTRALIANS AT A SPORTS GAME!
No. 179210
>>179209
Sup. Brazil here. You're playing us tonight at we brought an army of THESE.
WHAT NOW AUSSIE?
No. 179211
Gensokyo was caught up in the throes of a breezy summer day, the sun beating down through a sky as clear of clouds as Soldier's head was clear of rational thought. The Human Village was bustling with activity: merchants hawking wares, townsmen going about their business, farmers heading out to the fields and back again, and so on.

It was a shame what was about to happen.

A particular shopkeeper's assistant's day was about to grow markedly worse as a gap opened up above her building, and three men plummeted through the extra-dimensional hole while screaming loud enough to wake the dead, or at the very least cause them to pound on their coffins and shout for them to keep the noise down. They crashed through the roof, setting a record in mercenary arrival time to property damage, and the aforementioned assistant, a young redheaded woman, had just enough time to look up in dismay before they all crushed her flat.

After a few moments spent in confused shouting and cursing each other's names, Spy, Sniper, and Demoman extricated themselves from the heap and surveyed the surrounding bookstore.

“Tha' wasn't supposed t'happen,” Demo said, scratching his skullcap.

“It seems our employer has decided subtlety is something to be buried with the trash,” Spy said, adjusting his tie. “It's no wonder she picked you two.”

Demoman scowled. “Oi, I don't see you wipin' out entire teams, ya wee little girl.”

Sniper shot the two men a glare from his spot kneeling next to the concussed girl. “Lads, would you mind keepin' it down?” He turned his attentions back to the girl, giving her shoulder a firm shake. “Lass! Lass, wake up!”

The unfortunate young lady giggled, her eyes crossed. “Oooh, Miss Mamizou, not so rough.” Her voice hitched at that last word, cheeks flushing scarlet.

Sniper blinked. “Um.”

As the Aussie resumed trying to resuscitate the girl, albeit with a great deal more reluctance, Spy swept his gaze across their surroundings. The bookshelves caught his attention, so that was where he went, investigating any tomes that looked promising. “When that woman said there would be a map, I had assumed she meant to give us one,” he muttered.

Demoman, lacking any way to contribute to the situation and firmly ignored by the other mercs, upended his bottle of scrumpy and commenced an admirable attempt to convince the world he breathed alcohol.

Their efforts continued without interruption for all of ten seconds before the main entrance's bell rang, and a redheaded woman in matching clothing stepped through, her mouth concealed by an upturned cape. “Hey, I heard you had-”

She stopped dead, glancing from merc to merc, each one staring back at her, and her eyes finally settled on the concussed girl Sniper had been shaking.

“I'm... just... gonna go?” the newcomer said, putting her hands up and giving the men a weak smile.

-----

[X] GET 'ER

[X] DIPLOMATIZE

[X] IS GOOD TIME TO RUN

[X] WRITE-IN
No. 179212
[X] IS GOOD TIME TO RUN

IT"S TIME TO STICKY JUMP LADS
No. 179213
[X] DIPLOMATIZE

First order of business, finding a map...or somebody who knows the area.
No. 179214
[X] DIPLOMATIZE

And no, no using the Ambassador for this. That would be in bad taste.
No. 179215
[X] "DIPLOMATIZE"
-[X] WITH THE AMBASSADOR
No. 179216
[X] DIPLOMATIZE

We can totally salvage this situation. There is no reason to planic in the face of three dangerous, heavily-armed men. The whole situation is completely under control.
No. 179217
[X] DIPLOMATIZE
No. 179218
>>179216
Correction: two well armed guys and a man in very expensive suit.

[x] Diplomatize 'me up
No. 179220
[X] DIPLOMATIZE
No. 179221
[X] DIPLOMATIZE


By which I mean the Spy will use his french charm to woo all the laides. ALL OF THEM!
No. 179222
[x] GET 'ER

Always have a plan.
No. 179223
[X] GET 'ER

Sekibanki would be either amazing or terrible for the Eyelander. Not to mention the Sniper.
No. 179224
Diplomatize is pretty much guaranteed but...

[X] GET 'ER LADZ
No. 179225
The three mercenaries shared a look of dismay. They couldn't let her leave, of course; they'd already made enough noise on entry, and the last thing they needed was for someone to spread tales of how three violent maniacs were bludgeoning the village's womenfolk.

While Demo was too smashed to come up with anything to say, and Spy was reaching for his Ambassador, Sniper was the only one to consider words as a solution. “Get over here and help me, you yobbo!”

While the woman had been expecting fierce denials of guilt or, perhaps, for the men to try and murder her, a plea for help had been the last thing on her mind. “I- what?”

“What's it look like?” he said, projecting as much false outrage into his voice as he could.

“Madam, if you please?” Spy said, discreetly shoving his gun back into his suit. “I am afraid our arrival was... well, see for yourself.” He gestured towards the ceiling. “The young lady was unfortunate enough to be below us.”

Her eyes flicked up. “That's- how did you even fall through there?”

Spy rolled his eyes. “This is all Demo's fault.”

“Whuh?” Demo said, glancing between his bottle and Spy. It took a glare from the rogue before the plan sank into his sloshed brain, and he held the booze up. “Aye!”

Sniper splayed his hands out. “No sense denyin' it. Sticky-bombs are a helluva way to travel, miss.”

The woman nodded, the meaning of those words only sinking in moments later. “Bombs?”

“Yes!” Demo said, brandishing his sticky-launcher with his other hand. “I'll show ya!”

Whatever the Scotsman had in mind was cut off as Spy smacked him across the nose. “No, you imbecile!”

Demo lurched into Spy, the sticky launcher falling from his fingers, and the two went down in a brawling heap. “Ooh, I'm gonta knock the piss outta you, frenchie!”

As the two started bludgeoning each other, Sniper gave the newcomer a weary look. “They are like this all the time.

She winced in sympathy, kneeling next to him. “Just who are you, anyway?”

The Aussie stuck his hand out. “Name's Sniper, mate. Those two blokes are Demoman and Spy, and let me just say this was all a complete accident.

“Right.” The woman shook his hand. “Sekibanki.” She gave them all another look and came out unimpressed, but the fact that at least one actually seemed concerned about the other girl's state was enough to temporarily suppress her misgivings. “Let's get her somewhere comfortable, yeah?”

“Not a problem.” Sniper hauled the girl up in his arms. “You don't work in the bush as long as I have without being able to pick up a body, lass.”

Sekibanki filed that bit of information under 'Slightly Worrisome', but refrained from voicing her objections aloud. “So... bombs, huh?”

Sniper gently deposited the concussed assistant in a chair, then dusted his hands off. “Right. We needed to get around quick, and Demo's the best when it comes to quick travel.”

“With explosions.

He had the decency to look sheepish. “Well, yes.”

“Unhand me!” Spy said, a hand on Demo's face as he fruitlessly tried to pry the man off.

Sniper swiftly interposed himself between the fighting men. “Ignore them.”

Sekibanki narrowed her eyes. “Why didn't I hear those bombs go off?”

Sniper's smile took a nervous edge. “We were quite a distance away, let me tell you.”

Seeing his hand edging towards the kukri at his belt, Sekibanki promptly decided that this wasn't really worth pressing any further. Instead, she leaned aside, the better to observe Demoman strangling Spy. “So, they're your... friends?”

“Co-workers, more like,” Sniper said, relaxing.

“You go around shooting people?” she hazarded; it wasn't an uneducated guess, what with how Sniper and Demoman both carried obvious weaponry. That just left the well-dressed Spy as the odd man out.

“We're not crazed gunmen, if that's what you're asking,” Sniper said. “Right now, though, we're lookin' for a map. What about you?”

Sekibanki looked away as she pulled up the collar of her cape, obscuring everything below her eyes. “I'd rather not say.”

“Ahem!” Spy said, looming behind Sniper with only a few more bruises than he started, Demo hanging off his shoulder and rambling incoherently beneath his breath. “Now that that little disagreement has passed, allow us to introduc-”

“Spy, Demoman,” Sekibanki said, nodding at each in turn.

“I see Sniper has already take the liberty of introductions,” Spy said, giving the man in question a cold look, one that reversed into a warm smile as he locked eyes with Sekibanki. “But never mind that. Dare I ask what such a charming young woman is doing in this musty store?”

She steadfastly avoided eye-contact. “Private business, thank you.”

“Aw, c'mon, lassie, you can tell us!” Demo said, pushing off Spy's arm and standing on unsteady feet. “We won't laugh, promise.”

Sekibanki managed to shrink further below her collar, if that were somehow possible. “Said it's private,” she mumbled, flushed cheeks hidden behind her collar.

Distracted as she was, this was the ideal moment for a miniature gap to form above the group, discharging a piece of paper before zipping shut. Sniper was the first to notice it, and the bushman swiped it out of the air. “Give us a moment, would you, lass?” he asked, already heading off to the opposite end of the room.

“Wh- okay, I guess?” she said, giving the remaining men a helpless shrug as they followed him.

Once the mercs were a fair distance away, Sniper unfolded the paper and squinted at its contents. A low rumble sounded up from his throat as he looked it over, quickly blossoming into a dark chuckle. “Ooh, now this is a real beaut, innit?”

Demo peered over his shoulder, and grunted in dismay. “It's bleedin' huge is what it is.”

“This is quite the itinerary we have,” Spy said, having taken a look himself.

“So it is!” Sekibanki said.

“Oi,” Demo said, turning around, “that was bloody well private, l-ooooh, hell.

The reason for his dismay was twofold; one, Sekibanki's head was floating before them, and two, her body was still patiently waiting at the store entrance. Sniper and Spy dove aside, leaving Demo to grimly stare the head down, sobriety forced upon him. “DULLAHAN!” he cried, swinging at Sekibanki with his bottle; her head darted back, leaving him to hit nothing but air.

“Rokurokubi, actually,” she primly corrected. “And I'm not going to chop your head off or anything, so stop trying to hit me.”

“Easy, lad, easy,” Sniper said, upright once again. “She's all right. Probably.”

“What bloody magic is this?” Demo demanded, not taking his eye off the head.

Sekibanki frowned. “Oh, get over yourself, you look like you've never seen someone's head fly around on its own before.”

“I- hm.” Spy's brow crinkled in thought. “I do believe she has us there. Remember MONOCULOUS?

Despite saying it in an entirely level tone, Spy had somehow managed to make MONOCULOUS sound capitalized.

Demo scowled. “That was me eye, you blockhead.”

“So it was,” Spy said. “Well, miss...?

“Sekibanki.”

“Miss Sekibanki, of course.” He cleared his throat. “Now that you have seen our map, I'm afraid we have to deal with you.”

Sekibanki's head gently plunked itself back onto her body, where she folded her arms. “Before you start making threats about murdering me, I want in.”

“Why should we take you on?” Demo said, keeping a tight grip on his bottle.

She tilted her head. “Today has been really boring, you three are obviously up to something, which deals with point one, and I'd give myself good odds of knocking you on your asses if you try to stab me.”

“And if we say no?” Sniper asked.

Small orbs of red energy formed on her fingertips. “See point three, regarding asses and yours being knocked down therein.”

A wordless growl rose from Sniper's throat. “Just- just give us a minute to talk it out first, will you?

Sekibanki gave them a wry smile. “Don't take too long! I might float out the door while you're not looking!”

-----

After a short deliberation, the mercenaries came to an agreement.

[X] Teaming up with a local and letting her know what they were up to could have no possible downsides!

[X] Using a local as a guide without filling her in on what they were planning to do could have no possible downsides!

[X] Beating a local up, hiding her body, and then hacking it through a strange land with only an experienced bushman as a guide could have no possible downsides!

They also had to decide upon their desired location. Danger ratings were written next to the objectives by Yukari. The more *'s present, the more dangerous the target.

[X] The Buddhist Temple: AKA the Palanquin Ship. *

[X] The center of the Forest of Magic. **

[X] The Palace of the Earth Spirits. **

[X] The top of Youkai Mountain. ***

[X] Eientei's backroom research area. ***

[X] The Nuclear Furnace. ****

[X] The basement of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. *****

[X] The center of the Garden of the Sun. *****

[X] The Hakurei Shrine's donation box. ********************
No. 179226
[X] Teaming up with a local and letting her know what they were up to could have no possible downsides!

I'm not about to pass up more Banki, and our boys aren't keeping any big secrets.

[X] Eientei's backroom research area. ***

The Spy and Demoman would both do well in an enclosed space full of people. Meanwhile, the Sniper can mix jarate with Eirin's shady drugs. Just hope Mokou doesn't learn about spy-checking.
No. 179229
[X] Teaming up with a local and letting her know what they were up to could have no possible downsides!
[X] The Hakurei Shrine's donation box. ********************

I have no regrets.
No. 179232
[X] Teaming up with a local and letting her know what they were up to could have no possible downsides!
[X] The Buddhist Temple: AKA the Palanquin Ship. *

It's pretty much next door, and Banki knows the place well, I'd wager.
No. 179233
[X] Teaming up with a local and letting her know what they were up to could have no possible downsides!

[X] Eientei's backroom research area. ***

The Medic is one of the Spy's primary targets, after all.
No. 179235
[X] Teaming up with a local and letting her know what they were up to could have no possible downsides!
[X] Eientei's backroom research area. ***
No. 179236
[X] Teaming up with a local and letting her know what they were up to could have no possible downsides!
[X] Eientei's backroom research area. ***
No. 179243
[X] Beating a local up, hiding her body, and then hacking it through a strange land with only an experienced bushman as a guide could have no possible downsides!
[X] The Hakurei Shrine's donation box. ********************

Oy! Having a random civilian to help us is a bloody disgrace and would only endanger her!!! We're bloody proffessionals here! We've gone ahead and assemblied our stealth team an' she could endanger our entire mission which will pull all of our precious hats down the sink! We have taken the enemy intelligence ever since who knows how long?! A simple donation box is nothing for our skills gained throu trial and error!
No. 179244
[X] Teaming up with a local and letting her know what they were up to could have no possible downsides!
[X] Eientei's backroom research area. ***
No. 179250
[X] Teaming up with a local and letting her know what they were up to could have no possible downsides!
[X] Eientei's backroom research area. ***

I would really like to see Medic meeting Eirin later.
They could share malpractice stories or something. ("-and when ze patient woke up, his skeleton was missing and ze doktor was never heard from again!".)
No. 179261
[X] Teaming up with a local and letting her know what they were up to could have no possible downsides!
[X] Eientei's backroom research area. ***
No. 179271
[X] Teaming up with a local and letting her know what they were up to could have no possible downsides!
[X] The Buddhist Temple: AKA the Palanquin Ship. *

We could just kindly ask Byakuren for the flag, but that wouldn't be as fun now would it?
No. 179274
[X] Teaming up with a local and letting her know what they were up to could have no possible downsides!
[X] The Hakurei Shrine's donation box. ********************

Let's get the hard one out of the way first. I want to leave the easiest for last, plunging the rest of gensokyo into utter chaos before descending like a wave of destruction on Byakuren's temple.
No. 179275
[X] Teaming up with a local and letting her know what they were up to could have no possible downsides!

While I suspect the mercs would do better against Sekibanki than she gives them credit for, this isn't really the best situation for a close-quarters fight. Besides, why not bring along a local guide who can double as a meat-shield? Not to mention one who's a hot red-head. Best case scenario, her head would make for an outstanding hat. No reason not to level with her, either.


[X] The Buddhist Temple: AKA the Palanquin Ship. *

A bit of tide-pissing, but I'd rather take the medic to Eientei. Going to an easy area first lets the medics get the lay of the land. Plenty of people for the Spy to impersonate, lot of open area for the Sniper to work, and Demo can bring the house down if things go south.
No. 179278
[X] Teaming up with a local and letting her know what they were up to could have no possible downsides!
[X] The Buddhist Temple: AKA the Palanquin Ship. *

I agree with the notion of saving Eirintei for when we have the Medic, so I join the only other side with an outside chance of success. In before Reimu's flag isn't in the box, it is the box.
No. 179279
[x] Teaming up with a local and letting her know what they were up to could have no possible downsides!
[x] The Buddhist Temple: AKA the Palanquin Ship. *

Half of me hopes we end up stealing the Palanquin Ship instaed of actually looking for the flag. The other half hopes that we can get in and out without anyone being the wiser due to the low difficulty. If we could maintain the advantage of surprise for a while longer, that would be great, as I imagine the difficulty will get a bump the more people who are aware of our activites. Naturally, these two desires are in conflict with each other.
No. 179280
Hello again, dear readers! Voting to take the young headless lady along may as well be unanimous, so Sekibanki has officially joined the mercs!

That only leaves the issue of which destination they chose! Eientei has a solid SEVEN VOTES, while the Palanquin Ship has FIVE, and the Hakurei Shrine has THREE! Considering I like a good comeback story as much as anyone, I will LEAVE THE DESTINATION VOTE OPEN for another TWO HOURS AND TWENTY MINUTES! Once this website's time reaches 00:00, voting will officially be closed and the mercs will be on their way!

I HAVE JUST BEEN INFORMED I AM OVERUSING BOLD TEXT IN THESE MISSIVES, SO AFTER THIS SENTENCE I WILL CUT BACK A LITTLE.
No. 179283
[x] Eientei's backroom research area. ***

No idea what the site time is relative to mine, so voting anyways.
No. 179285
>>179280

>SAXTONE

I let someone else write things down while I dictated aloud ONE TIME and THIS happens! If he weren't the one doing all the work on this anyway, I'd fire him.

>>179283

You got in just fifteen minutes 'fore the deadline, so good on you! Not that it changes the ultimate result, since you were also the only one to vote! The mercs are headed to Eientei, readers!
No. 179287
[X] Teaming up with a local and letting her know what they were up to could have no possible downsides!
[X] The Hakurei Shrine's donation box. ********************
No. 179291
[X] Teaming up with a local and letting her know what they were up to could have no possible downsides!
[X] The Hakurei Shrine's donation box. ********************
No. 179292
>>179225
>The basement of the Scarlet Devil Mansion.
>>179278
>In before Reimu's flag isn't in the box, it is the box.

In before Flandre is the flag in the basement of the Scarlet Devil Mansion.
No. 179305
“Knock us on our asses, she says,” Demo grumbled, shooting a glare over his shoulder at Sekibanki; she merely waved, smiling, in response. “Bet that bint's never been blown into bits, even once. We could take her!”

Spy shook his head. “You saw her hands, no? Remember what our employer said?” He began gesturing exaggeratedly, speaking in a falsetto astonishingly similar to a five-year-old girl's. “Waves upon waves of magical bullets, oh my.” He cleared his throat, returning to his usual voice. “I believe we could subdue her, but even if we did it flawlessly, there are too many witnesses around.”

Sniper looked between Spy and the dazed assistant. “Y'mean the lass we squashed?”

Spy frowned. “Am I the only one who took a look at our surroundings as we fell?”

“Yeh.”

“Aye!”

Spy planted a hand on his face. “Naturally. Well, there are plenty of civilians in the area. It is a stroke of good fortune we haven't attracted more than her.”

“We can't seriously be considering taking her on with us, are we?” Demo asked.

“Well, she seems to have her head on right,” Sniper said, and Demo scowled at him. “In a purely figurative sense, lad.”

Demo shook his head. “Oi, you two remember the Horseless Headless Horsemann?”

“How could I forget?” Spy said, eyes glazing over as he reminisced. “The laughing and the decapitations and- ugh, the speed? Nothing that large should move so fast.”

“Oh no!” Sekibanki theatrically called out. “I'm slowly floating towards the door! Somebody stop me!”

Demo grimaced. “Well, I don't trust anyone whose head flies off, that's what I was getting at.”

“Would she count as one head or several, y'think?” Sniper mused.

“What?”

“If you chopped her head off with the-” Sniper gestured vaguely, “talky-ghost-sword, I mean, and it flew back, but you got her again. Would it count?”

“His name is Eyelander, you blockhead.” Demo scratched his chin, buying enough time for a complication to occur to his freshly-sobered mind. “Well, even if our weps did work right, I'm not sure how he'd make with the chopping. That's the important part of taking heads, after all, actually having them on you, and the whole thing might not work when they fly back to their body.”

“It's a he now?” Sniper asked.

“It's more than a little difficult to watch television with a bloodthirsty ghost sword and not know, bushman.”

“Well, anyway, I'm all for bringing the lass with us,” Sniper said, thumping a fist into his palm. “We'll be hacking it through the bush anyway, but having someone to fill us in on anything nasty is a right sight better than learning the hard way.”

Demo scowled further, crossing his arms. “When did we get in the habit of letting civvies tag along?”

“Apparently as of right now,” Spy said. A not insignificant part of his decision was, admittedly, because it had been a while since he'd had the chance to work his charms on an attractive young woman, and a redhead was always an excellent prize.

Even if this one's head came off.

Well, no one was perfect.

Demo gave both men a black look. “If she botches it and we lose out on our hats, I'm gonta stick me thumbs in your eyes.”

There was a high-pitched and thoroughly fake shriek of surprise from Sekibanki, now floating sideways and hanging onto the wall by the door out, billowing like a flag in the nonexistent wind. “Oh my goodness, I'm being sucked out! Someone had better pull me back in, because I don't think I can hold on much longer!”

“She is enjoying herself far too much,” Spy said, smirking despite himself.

“I'm slipping!” Sekibanki helpfully added, loosening her grip finger by finger.

Sniper gave both men an arch look. “What, neither of you are going to-”

Demo shoved him ahead. “You like her so much, you get her.”

Sniper stumbled on the first steps, but promptly recovered and, after muttering a curse underneath his breath that shall not be reprinted here, reached the flying woman.

“Hello!” she said, extending a hand. Sniper pulled her in, whereupon she set down and stood straight, content with her brief mockery of the laws of physics.

“You do know none of us were fooled, correct?” Spy said.

The woman waved her hand dismissively. “Ah, your faces were funny enough. So, I'll take it I'm coming along?”

Demo nodded. “Unfortunately.”

“You guys won't regret it!” Probably, she added within the safety of her own thoughts. “Okay, where're we going? And also doing, because that's pretty important too.”

The mercs shared a silent nod; they'd already taken on the liability of letting her follow them, and she would only weigh them down if they kept her in the dark.

“You ever play Capture the Flag, lassie?” Demo asked. “You saw the map. Guess where we hafta go.”

Sekibanki covered the spot where her mouth would be visible sans cape, her eyes widening. “...Oh. Oh, wow. You guys are so boned.”

Sniper tipped his hat. “Don't count us out until you've seen us work, mate.”

Sekibanki couldn't help but smile at that. “Well! I'm always up for a good, if very doomed, cause!” She clapped her hands together. “Who knows? We might even get one flag before everyone shoots you guys and I laugh at your bodies!”

“Have a little confidence in us, lassie,” Demo said, scowling deeply.

Sekibanki merely tilted her head towards the assistant they'd knocked silly. “Explain her, then.”

“That was an accident,” Demo mumbled, finding the floor incredibly interesting for some peculiar reason.

“Anyway,” Sekibanki said, ”where'd you even find that map? I looked away for literally two seconds and then, out of nowhere, there it was.”

“It fell from atop a shelf,” Sniper said, gesturing up high. “You just had bad timing, lass.”

“If you are quite done questioning us, I have a location in mind.” Spy said, pausing to light a new cigarette. “This Eientei should be an excellent starting point. With surprise on our side, I should have no trouble sneaking in, grabbing the flag, and getting back out.”

Sekibanki coughed, grabbing everyone's attention once more. “Got a plan for all the rabbits?”

Spy's features twisted in confusion. “What?”

“There are so many rabbits, you guys.

“I fail to see how this is relevant.”

“Well, I've been there a few times myself, right?” Sekibanki propped her chin up with a fist, other hand holding her elbow. “And there's literally hundreds of the little fellas. Might not look like a problem at first, but they're really, really smart for rabbits. They watch you, see?”

Sniper shrugged. “Right, creepy bunnies aside, I'm failing to see the problem here.”

“It's not them,” Sekibanki said, frowning at the man. “It's everyone else. Eientei's got more than a few people on staff who also double as pretty solid fighters.”

“And the rabbits... report to them?”

“Precisely. Guess what happens if even one sees you.”

Sniper's expression was a mixture of disbelief and a growing resignation as it sank in that nothing here was going to make sense. Demo, meanwhile, was deep in his bottle once again, waging a war against that most wretched of foes, sobriety.

Spy kept his features carefully schooled, but he was internally cursing that woman's choice of teammates; the bushman always had a lingering scent of urine about him, whereas the cyclopes reeked so heavily of alcohol fumes that he would likely spontaneously combust if Pyro so much as approached him. Neither would be especially subtle to rabbits, considering their enhanced sense of smell. If he was going to infiltrate, he'd have to do it alone, his team too far to give him any help if he were discovered.

On the other hand, they were mere rabbits. What could they do to him, truly? Gnaw at his shoes?

“That, madam,” he finally said, “is a risk we are willing to take.”

“I doubt a buncha wee bunnies are going to stop us, lassie,” Demo said, brandishing his grenade launcher.

“Whoa, hey!” Sekibanki said, holding her arms before her in a defensive cross. “Hey, whoa. Whoa. Hey. You're not blowing anyone up if I've got anything to say about it.”

Demo snorted. “Bah, they're non-lethal or summat. Takes half the fun outta things, honestly.”

“Oh. That's... surprisingly convenient.” She looked between the three mercs, tried to come up with any further questions, and failed utterly. Instead, she pointed towards the bookshelves with both hands, fingers in the shape of little pistols. “So, I just need a minute? I'll be right out, don't worry.”

Sniper grunted. “What are you looking f-”

“Not saying, now go away.”

He grumbled something beneath his breath as he left. Demo pointed towards his good eye, then at her, before leaving. Spy moved to follow them, but stopped with a hand on the doorway, looking back over his shoulder.

“We will be watching,” he said, and with that he stepped out the door.

Rolling her eyes at the overly-dramatic declaration, Sekibanki set to searching the shelves. “Oh-kay, that's not ominous at all.”

“Oooooh,” groaned the assistant.

Sekibanki squeaked in surprise, hurriedly searching the shelves the before the girl could recover and ask what she was looking for.

No one could ever know.
_____

It was scarcely half a minute later before Sekibanki rejoined the mercs, and they set down the streets with her occasionally giving directions. The group drew their fair share of odd looks, but they shrugged them off without a hint of concern; being regarded as menaces was hardly new to the mercs, after all.

Sekibanki reached back to adjust her blue hair-bow, giving the mercs a contemplative look as she worked at it. “Gotta admit, for outsiders like yourself, your Japanese is flawless.

“Wh-” Sniper scrunched his face up. “We're all speaking English, aren't we?”

“Huh?” Sekibanki said, her brows furrowing as though the woman was contemplating an especially difficult puzzle. “No, it's definitely Japanese.”

“I blame magic,” Demo said, resigned. “It's just- it'll be easier in the long run if we just go with that, laddies.”

“And lassie,” Sekibanki added.

“And lassie, yes.” Demo wiped sweat from his brow. “Bloody hell, how far away is this place?”

“We've been walking for two minutes,” Sekibanki said, thoroughly unamused. “If you want to go fast, maybe you should figure out how to fly.”

Demo took another swig from his seemingly-bottomless bottle. “This ain't gonna work, lads.”

“Must you complain about everything?” Spy asked, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Demo scowled. “Have you ever been on a battlefield this large? It's gonna take for-bleedin'-ever to get anywhere.”

Spy groaned. “Maybe if you didn't drink enough for three livers, you wouldn't have this problem!”

While the three bickered amongst themselves, Sniper was waving at passers-by, most of whom simply walked faster to get away from the obviously dangerous maniacs. “G'day, mates! Lovely day, innit? Have a good one!”

“What are you doing?” Spy asked, falling in step next to him to get away from Demoman before the two started pounding away at each other.

“Hearts'n'minds, lad, hearts'n'minds,” Sniper said, stolidly ignoring the less receptive of the villagers. “We gotta bring all those flags back here, right? Gonna be harder if these people want to lynch us.”

Spy made a thoughtful noise. “That is a sound idea.”

“Och, we're getting' nowhere!” Demo exclaimed, planting his feet firmly in the dirt road. “Lads, gather 'round!”

Spy was all set to ignore him and keep walking, but Sniper pulled the rogue back by the collar and dragged him over to the impromptu huddle, ignoring Spy's expression of rage as he wrestled with the urge to stab Sniper in the neck.

“I got the perfect idea!” Demo said once everyone was there, and with a flourish he produced his sticky-launcher. “Listen, lads, why don't we just fly?”

“I think not,” Spy said, now simultaneously throttling the urge to, well, throttle the Scot alongside his wish to murder Sniper.

“Wait, you can fly?” Sekibanki asked, head snapping over to Demo. “Why are we still walking, then?”

“He means with bombs, lass,” Sniper whispered in her ear, and her curious expression reversed into one of dismay. “Go on, mate?” he said, lacking that crucial bit of self-preservation that makes one dismiss anything a bomb-lobbing drunk would consider a good idea.

“See, I can usually soak two bombs, max, without blowin' me legs off,” Demo explained, “but here? I can use all eight!”

No,” Spy drawled, shaking his head as he stretched that lone syllable out for a solid five seconds.

“I'd say there's merit to it,” Sniper said, thus confirming Spy's suspicions of the Aussie's questionable sanity. “It's right faster than walking, at any rate.”

Sekibanki edged back, unwilling to take flight in quite such an explosive fashion. “I'll just let you guys do that, shall I?”

Spy turned to her, both for support and to take his mind off the blistering stupidity of his colleagues. “There must be some other method of travel available here, is there not?” Left unsaid was 'these men are imbeciles and will get us all killed if you don't give me something to work with'.

Sekibanki frowned, defensively holding her hands in front of her. “Well, we've got stables near one of the main gates, if horses are more your thing. Don't know how you'd pay for them, though.”

“Aw, c'mon, you two, don't wuss out on me,” Demo said, a devil-may-care grin plastered across his face.

“It'll be fun!” Sniper added, leaning on Demo's shoulder like the best of friends. “The landing might be rough, but we'll see to that when we get there. Besides, if we need to beat a hasty exit, getting used to it now'll help us get it right later.”
__________

[X] Sticky-Bombs + Non-Lethal = SUPER STICKY JUMP

[X] GRAND THEFT HORSE

[X] Walking's good for you, mercs! Cardio!

[X] [WRITE-IN]
No. 179306
[X] Sticky-Bombs + Non-Lethal = SUPER STICKY JUMP

how can i not vote this
No. 179307
>>179305
Spy is the best at impressions.
Can they, say, have Demo and Sniper go by Stickies while Spy goes by Horse?
No. 179309
>>179305
>[X] Sticky-Bombs + Non-Lethal = SUPER STICKY JUMP
Let's hope that they're good enough at aiming their trajectory to negate the fall damage. Because GOD DAMN are they going to need to negate the fall damage. Ain't no skybox here, boys.

At least the Spy will survive. The Dead Ringer is cool like that.
No. 179310
[X] Sticky-Bombs + Non-Lethal = SUPER STICKY JUMP

PRESS. THE. PRESS. SHINNY. BUTTON.
No. 179311
[x] Sticky-bombs + Non-lethal = SUPER STICKY JUMP
-[x] Grab Sekibanki. If she wants to hang with us, she has to fly with us too.

I'm sure Banki will have loads of fun flying with us. Its got to be way better than that boring old floating she always does.
No. 179312
[X] Sticky-Bombs + Non-Lethal = SUPER STICKY JUMP

If they take horses or walk, they'll have to contend with traps and getting lost, and they'll probably be seen long before reaching Eientei.

At the same time, it'll be pretty hard for them to miss a trio of heavily-armed men crashing into their house from orbit, but hey. If the Spy gets his cloak up fast enough, they'll think it's only a duo of heavily-armed men crashing into their house from orbit!
No. 179313
>>179312
>[X] Sticky-Bombs + Non-Lethal = SUPER STICKY JUMP

Everyone's reaction
No. 179314
[X] Sticky-Bombs + Non-Lethal = SUPER STICKY JUMP
-[X] Spy readies dead ringer, because fall damage.
No. 179316
[X] Sticky-Bombs + Non-Lethal = SUPER STICKY JUMP

I have no reason to not push the cart bandwagon on it's merry way, so here we go.


Also, am I the only one who thinks Sniper should be used to dealing with staggering numbers of rabbits? I mean, just google australia + rabbit...
No. 179317
[X] Walking's good for you, mercs! Cardio!

I smell random encounters! Can no one else see the hilarity waiting to be had just wandering the land of fantasy?
No. 179318
[X] Sticky-Bombs + Non-Lethal = SUPER STICKY JUMP
No. 179319
[X] Sticky-Bombs + Non-Lethal = SUPER STICKY JUMP
No. 179320
[X] Sticky-Bombs + Non-Lethal = SUPER STICKY JUMP

If they're lucky unlucky they might wind up causing PROPERTY DAMAGE or some other manner of inconvenience as they land. Also eight sticky bomb fall damage isn't completely lethal last I checked, but it will make them wish they had a Medic.
No. 179323
Well, that vote was hardly contested at all! Sticky-Jumping it is!

>>179307

It would have been possible if you'd rallied support for it, but the vote's firmly in favor of everyone jumping.

>>179313

Humorously enough, Spy's expression in that is an almost exact recreation of his face upon hearing Demoman's plan!

>>179316

Rabbits? Oh, yes, we definitely have a problem with those. You have not lived until you've wrestled with a man-sized, gold-furred Australium rabbit, folks.

>>179317

Considering you're the only one who voted for it, apparently so! Better luck next time.
No. 179324
>only allow ten hours for vote
>it was the same ten hours for which I was asleep
why
No. 179325
>>179317
This is Gensokyo, you don't meet anyone by walking. Everyone's up in the air, anyway.
No. 179406
Spy flicked a cigarette butt into the dirt, then ground it beneath his heel. “Gentlemen, this is a foolish idea. You are welcome to it, but I believe I shall simply take a horse.”

Sekibanki gave the men a nervous smile. “I'll follow him, thanks.”

The two sticky-jumpers shared a conspiratorial glance, and Sniper and Demo grabbed the cowards as one. “Too bad, we're goin' kablooie!” Demo said, laying stickies at their feet as fast as his launcher could throw them.

“No no no oh gods why,” Sekibanki said, unable to escape the headlock she was in and entirely unwilling to abandon her body to its fate.

I will stab you in the throat,” Spy said, trying and failing to get his knife in hand as Sniper pinned him close.

The last of the sticky-bombs thumped against the ground, sparkling red unlike its compatriots.

Sekibanki whimpered in a manner not dissimilar to a kicked puppy. “Why is that one sparkling? Why is it sparkling!?

“Crits!” Demo said, explaining everything yet nothing to the woman. “HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE AT 'EEEEEEEEEEEEEEM!” he roared, pulling the trigger.

The explosion echoed throughout the entire village, the entire party screaming as they were launched outside the township's boundaries in two seconds flat, soaring high enough that the clouds (if there were any) would be trembling in terror (if they were there).

Everyone drifted apart mid-flight, because it's one thing to restrain someone long enough for an explosion, and another entirely while you're going fast enough to make the sound barrier descend into alcoholism from the fear of being broken. As they flew far above the earth, Spy casually puffed on a cigarette, the better to distract him from the unspeakable agony his entire body was currently feeling.

“Gentlemen!” he shouted, the better to be heard over everyone else's yelling. “Our destination is that way!” He pointed towards the thick bamboo forest they were rapidly approaching.

“AAAAAAAAAAAA- really?” Sniper asked. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-”

“I can't feel my legs!” Sekibanki added, before she returned to screaming in short bursts.

“Aw, that's normal, lassie!” Demo replied, before upending the last of his scrumpy.

-----

Deep inside the aforementioned bamboo forest, a pair of immortals were going through yet another fight in their grand and pointless struggle. The two women, one with hair black as pitch, the other's ash-white, were currently locked in a grapple in mid-air, punching and kicking and beating each other with commendable gusto.

“Hey! Hey, Kaguya!” said the white-haired forest-hobo, but for the sake of convenience let's call her by her actual name of Mokou.

“What?” said Kaguya, currently trying to remove Mokou's hands from her throat.

“You suck!

Instead of wasting air on a retort, Kaguya bit down on Mokou's hand, severing a good chunk of the woman's pointer and middle fingers.

“Whore!” Mokou roared, punching the wench in the face with no regard to her newly-acquired finger-stumps.

“Idiot!” Kaguya swore back, laying into her enemy's face with a mighty haymaker.

“Junkslut!” Mokou rebutted, alongside a headbutt that crushed Kaguya's nose.

“Bitch!” Kaguya said, voice stuffy, as she returned the favor.

“Assclown!” Mokou shot back.

“I- those aren't even proper insults!” Kaguya snapped, and she promptly put a stop to them by wrapping her fingers around Mokou's throat. As the woman began choking the life out of her fellow immortal, she mused that the fight was actually swinging her way, which was an oddity when they got tangled up in hand-to-hand like this.

Of course, that was when she heard the screaming.

“What in the blazes is that noise?” Kaguya asked, pausing her efforts to strangle Mokou.

“Ghk?” Mokou asked, her windpipe still obstructed.

Kaguya squinted at the rapidly approaching red blur above her, and her expression twisted into one of disgust. “Are you fu-”

Demoman, operating purely on an instinctual level of 'someone in red clothes is fighting someone else in red clothes, so one must be a Spy', slammed his bottle into Kaguya's face as he flew past, dozens of glass shards embedding themselves in the princess' face as she plummeted, screaming, to earth. Bottley harm inflicted, the cyclopes and his group rocketed past, leaving Mokou as the last woman standing.

She watched them go with an expression of awe, and touched newly-regenerated fingers to her forehead in salute. “Godspeed, you magnificent bastards.”

-----

The mercenaries all crashed through Eientei's paper ceiling and thoroughly demolished a kitchen, cookware scattered about as they tumbled through the room, wreaking havoc wherever they went. It was five solid seconds of pure mayhem before everyone came to a stop.

Demo, face planted firmly on the floor, pushed himself to his feet, regarded his broken scrumpy with the sorrow one would reserve for a dying relative, and tossed it over his shoulder. The Scot took a frying pan, gave it an experimental swing, and grinned at the rest of the group. “Now that was a ride, wasn't it, lads?”

No one greeted him back, considering Sekibanki was sprawled out atop a counter, Spy's head was inside an active oven, and Sniper was nowhere to be seen, although the sizable hole in one of the walls left little doubt as to where he had gone. There were also several small girls with rabbit ears scattered around in various states of unconsciousness, evidently the kitchen staff.

Ow,” Sekibanki said, curling up into a ball.

“You get used to it, lassie,” Demo said. He kicked Spy in the leg, but got no response. “Well, Spy's dead.”

“Wha- oh, gods, really?” Sekibanki asked, the news enough to galvanize her into rolling off the counter and onto shaky feet. She regarded the body with barely-disguised horror. “Of all the places he could've gone, oh man, oh geez, aw crap.

There was no time to mourn their comrade's demise, however, as Sniper hurtled back into the room, covered head to toe in white, fuzzy death.

“Off, you horrible gremlins!” Sniper screamed, swatting ineffectually at the enraged rabbits. “Geddoff! Aaaagh!”

As Sniper ran around flailing hysterically, another rabbit decided this would be the opportune moment to assault Demoman; the Scotsman was quicker than it had bargained for, however, as he slammed his pan into it mid-leap, a satisfying clang heralding the creature's flight through another paper wall.

“Up yours, ya wee lil' bugger!” he said.

“What is happening,” Sekibanki asked, clutching the top of her head in a mixture of dismay, confusion, and horror at how everything became so terrible so quickly.
__________

[X] ATTACK THUM

[X] LEG IT AFORE WE GET MALKIED

[X] WRITE-IN
No. 179408
[X] LEG IT AFORE WE GET MALKIED

Don't want to be surrounded when the heavy hitters show up. Demo can hold off the main force with grenades while Banki and Sniper shoot/stab the rest.

It'll also give their late ally a better chance to sneak around. Gotta be somewhere empty for that loud decloak.
No. 179414
[X] LEG IT AFORE WE GET MALKIED
No. 179416
[X] Grab Spy
[X] LEG IT AFORE WE GET MALKIED

He deserves a warrior's funeral at least.
No. 179421
[X] TACTICAL RETREAT BEFORE WE GET MALKED.
-[X] Sticky trap the doors to deal with the rabbits.

Rule 52 of TF2, never chase demomen through doors. Once we clear the rabbits we can go back for spy's (probably fake) corpse.
No. 179422
[X] LEG IT AFORE WE GET MALKIED

Honestly, the Pyro would have been a really good solution to this particular problem considering his/her/it's/cthulu primary weapon hits everything in its attack cone. Aside from that, I have to agree with most of the other voters so far in that we shouldn't presume the Spy dead so quickly considering just how infamous the DR is and that we don't know if that's the only Invisiwatch he's got on him for being the Spy's get out of jail free card in a fight. Sneaky bastard
No. 179425
[X] TACTICAL RETREAT BEFORE WE GET MALKED.
-[X] Sticky trap the doors to deal with the rabbits.
Spy's fine, because dead ringer. And sniper's useless unless we can get at least a mile away.
No. 179426
[x] ATTACK THUM
-[x] Unsheathe the Eyelander.

Please tell me we have that most wondrous of companions with us, trusty head-taking claymore that it is.
No. 179427
[X] TACTICAL RETREAT BEFORE WE GET MALKED.
-[X] Sticky trap the doors to deal with the rabbits.
No. 179435
[X] LEG IT AFORE WE GET MALKIED

Might need to clear out and re-draw the infiltration plan a wee bit.
No. 179441
[X] LEG IT AFORE WE GET MALKIED

Whose bright idea was it to use bombs as transportation for what is meant to be a quiet operation?
No. 179443
[X] LEG IT AFORE WE GET MALKIED
No. 179573
[X] LEG IT AFORE WE GET MALKIED
No. 179576
>>179406
... I have no words for this, it's been a while since I laughed this hard.
good show SAXTON HALE, good show

[X] ATTACK THUM BY SHOOTING GRENADES EVERYWHERE WHILE BACKING AWAY TO THIN THEM OUT BEFORE
-[X]LEGING IT AFORE WE GET MALKIED WHILE STICKY BOBING EVERY DOOR WE COME ACROSS
[x]make passing mention of respawning to sekibanki while doing all that
No. 179577
I really like how you vividly characterize every member of the cast. I have never played the game this is based off of, but I feel like I'm getting an accurate depiction of what to expect should I ever choose to do so.
No. 179578
>>179577
I'm hoping we get to rotate through the other classes at some point.
No. 179579
>>179578
we probably will when we invariably get our asses kicked for being the TF2 cast, I mean these guys make dying in spectacular ways an art.
more or less the only thing they do with shooting at stuff while wearing silly most spectacular hats.
No. 179580
>>179426

Yukari can, perhaps, be persuaded to allow loadout switches at some future date!

>>179441

Everyone who voted last time! Which is everyone except >>179317!

>>179577

Play Team Fortress 2! It's free! Also you should buy hats, because you can never have too many hats. The fact that all that money goes directly into my pocket is COMPLETELY UNRELATED.

If you're curious about the current mercs in the party, however, simply search for Meet the [INSERT MERCENARY OF CHOICE HERE]!

>>179578
>>179579

Worry not, there WILL be opportunities for other mercenaries to join in on the fun!

Now, prepare for more HEART-POUNDING EXCITEMENT, because it's coming directly at YOUR BRAIN in this VERY NEXT POST!

YOU MAY WANT TO WEAR A HELMET!

No. 179582
Demo, as the only one around still in control of himself, took stock of his surroundings.

Rabbits were starting to pour into the room in greater numbers.

Sniper was being eaten alive by a horde of the fuzzy bastards.

Sekibanki was horrified into uselessness.

He couldn't detonate any explosives in here without blowing himself up.

“Well,” he said. Lacking many other options, he took a long, deep breath, raised his pan, and screamed a loud “RETREAAAAAAAAAAAT!”

The Scotsman's clarion call to action jarred Sekibanki from her shock. As the Scot fled the room, she started after him, but came up short as Sniper staggered around, still being viciously chewed apart.

“Sniper!” she cried, magic flaring to life around her fingers; a sweep of her arms sent dozens of tiny spheres flying at the man. Rabbits flew off him in squeaking droves as the orbs connected, launching them off surely as any boot.

Sniper, now unburdened save for a single rabbit tenaciously clinging to his face, took the chance to leap after Demoman, and Sekibanki charged through last, whipping around to grab hold of the paper door. Rabbits flew at her, but she slammed the door shut in their faces, tiny whumps heralding their falls.

“Help!” Sniper said. Demo knocked the creature off with another swing of the pan; unfortunately, he also caught Sniper full across the head, because cyclops are generally not known for good depth perception.

Sniper hit the ground in a boneless heap. After a moment spent pleasantly concussed, the pain hit, and he blearily glared up at the Scot, his tinted sunglasses hanging off one ear. “You pickle-headed, bomb-lobbin' whackjob! I oughta-”

“Is he like this all the time?” Sekibanki asked, as Sniper continued his screed.

“Only when he's angry,” Demoman said, steadfastly ignoring the bushman's tirade.

“My grandma could swing straighter than you! And she's been decomposing for twenty years!” Sniper finished, now on his feet. The man was bleeding from dozens of bite marks, and a great bruise covered his face where he was hit, but he still carried himself without showing much sign of discomfort. “Next time, just use your hands, you bloody idiot.”

Demo slapped him on the arm. “Suck it up, camper.”

“Yeah, okay, can you two sling insults at each other after we get away, please?” Sekibanki hissed, gesturing towards the room they had fled. A sizable number of rabbit shadows could be seen through the thin door standing between them and an excruciating number of puncture wounds, the mass pushing hard against the door.

“Banki's right,” Sniper reluctantly said, readjusting his glasses. “Let's keep it moving.”

“Banki?” Demo asked, looking around in confusion until Sekibanki scowled at him. “Oh, right.” He waved them off. “You two just head down a bit, I'll join you real soon.”

Sekibanki's expression softened into something approaching concern. “I really don't think that's a-”

“Demo knows his stuff,” Sniper said, laying a hand on her shoulder. “Besides, we don't want to be here when the bombs go off.”

True to Sniper's word, Demo had swapped the frying pan to his off hand in favor of the sticky launcher, already firing the spiky bombs around the door. He spared them a devil-may-care grin. “Move up!”

“Right, right,” Sniper agreed, heading down the hall at a not-unreasonable rate, pulling Sekibanki along.

“Think he'll be okay?” she asked.

“He's a-” Sniper chanced a look over his shoulder, where Demo had stuffed the pan's handle into his mouth under the mistaken impression there was more alcohol to be found, “professional.

Sekibanki, having seen much the same thing, regarded the man with undisguised doubt. “Really.

A rabbit flew at them from an open door; the bushman smoothly drew his kukri and chopped it aside, not batting an eye. “He gets the job done, comes down to it.”

“He's a drunken menace is what he is,” Sekibanki haughtily declared, folding her arms beneath her chest. Another rabbit bounded around a corner, then leapt at her throat; she wound a leg back, swung, and punted the bunny far down the hallway.

“A drunken menace who gets the job done,” Sniper stolidly repeated, his own personal annoyance momentarily set aside in favor of defending a teammate. He wiped a not-inconsiderable amount of his own blood from his face. “Crikey, you don't realize how useful a Medic is until you're going without one. Where's the medkits around here?”

“Which way is the bloody point, for that matter?” Demo asked from behind them, giving both quite a start as they whirled around.

“Did you forget about the bombs?” Sniper asked, gesturing the way they came.

Precisely eight explosions rang out, one after the other, followed by a high-pitched crescendo of rabbit screams, and Demo looked inordinately pleased. “They're gonta have to glue them back together in fuzzy bunny hell, if that's what you're asking.”

“...Huh,” Sekibanki said, more that slightly terrified at how casually he had just annihilated their enemies.

They rounded a bend in the hallway, stubbornly pressing onward through the constant rabbit assaults.

“We really don't have any idea where to go, do we?” Sekibanki asked, after the fifth stray rabbit had tried to eat Demo's face.

“No!” Demo replied, smashing a rabbit to the floor with a single expert blow from his pan.

“Blimey, this hallway goes on forever,” Sniper said, unslinging his signature rifle from his back. “Good sight-lines, though, I'll give it that.” He brought the scope up to his eye, scowled, and fired, the answering scream of a rabbit echoing down the hall. “Bloody bogans.” He hawked a gob of spit to the floor.

Sekibanki edged away, face twisting in mild disgust. Before she could voice it, there was a crack of noise behind them, and all three turned as one.

There was nothing.

Sekibanki's ears pricked at the rushing of displaced air behind her, but when she turned again, they were still alone.

Once again, nothing.

“What just happened?” Demo asked.

“Whatever it was, it probably wasn't good,” Sekibanki said, casting worried glances around her for any signs of danger. She started walking onwards, still looking about. “Let's get out of here, all right?”

“We ain't getting the job done standing around, that's for sure,” Demo agreed, matching the woman's stride. Sniper went after them, expression contemplative.

His eyes were sharper than Sekibanki's, by virtue of keeping them straight ahead, and Demo's, because he still had both eyeballs inside his head, which lead to him being the first to spot the glint of near-invisible piano wire stretched out in front of them, just high enough to take them by the necks if they kept moving.

“Hold it!” he said, grabbing both his companions by the shoulders just before they could wade into the trap. They ground to a halt mere inches away, and both sucked in a breath as they saw just how close they came to a surprise decapitation.

“What the bloody hell is this?” Demo asked, gently testing the wire with his finger; he grunted in pain and drew the bleeding digit back, staring at it with a grim expression.

“Piano wire's a hell of a thing, lad,” Sniper said, pulling his kukri free. He sliced the wire with a single stroke. “Would've taken your heads clean off if I didn't stop you two. Keep your eyes open. Whoever set that one must be-”

There was a loud, high-pitched cackle, bouncing all around the group as they sprang to alertness; Demo and Sniper held their weapons at ready, while Sekibanki's hands were aglow with scarlet magic.

“Good eyes, hat-man, good eyes!” said a young girl's voice, derisive and pleased all at once. “At least one of you knows how to keep your heads on properly.”

“Hey!” Sekibanki said, glaring at the ceiling for lack of a better target. “It's a condition, thank you very much!”

“Get out here and fight, ya wee bint!” Demo challenged. A loud, mocking laugh was all he earned in reply.

“Why don't you come get me, huh?” said the girl, inordinately amused. “You want secret things, oh yes, I can tell! But you're not getting any until you get to me!

“This girl's a loony,” Sniper growled.

Another cackle. “Oh, I'm no loony! You're thinking of Reisen!

On cue, a slot in the ceiling opened, and a woman dipped out the hole, hanging upside down by her legs. The most striking thing about her, besides the fully-automatic assault rifle she held with veteran ease, was her long purple hair and the massive rabbit ears jutting from her head.

“Surprise, maggots!” Reisen roared, sweeping the group with automatic fire. Sekibanki flung herself to the floor, while Demo soaked a salvo to his body-armor, the shots piercing through but doing little to stop him from hastily firing a grenade up high. Sniper's jacket provided little protection against the bullets, but the man didn't so much as blink as he brought his rifle up, instincts honed by years under fire ensuring a steady hand, and fired. Reisen jerked aside the moment he laid sights on her, but the bullet grazed the woman's cheek, her aim momentarily ruined as she flinched.

“Move it, lads!” Demo yelled, diving through a wall while Reisen was distracted. Sniper and Sekibanki leapt and crawled, respectively, after him, the Scot's errant grenade exploding behind them as they did so, and the three found themselves in the confines of a bare bedroom.

Demo had scarcely pushed himself to his feet when a pair of panels unfolded from the ceiling, and beeping turrets emerged in the span of a breath, sighting in on the group with deadly efficiency. He immediately opened fire, launching a pair of grenades up; for all his questionable sobriety, none could deny the Scot's aim with explosives, the flashing red 'pill' grenades annihilating each turret with a direct hit, metal crashing to the floor. “Stop sending your toys out, girlie, before I shove 'em down your throat!”

A wild laugh came from their enemy. “Not until I run out of stuff to throw at you, cyclops!”

“Gonna strangle her,” he grumbled, loading more grenades into the weapon. “Get up, lads, we don't have time to lay about.”

Sniper and Sekibanki rose up, the former clutching his side. Sniper grimaced as he brought his bloody hand up. “Blighter tagged me good. What kind of gun was that?”

The woman inspected the fresh hole in her collar with faint horror. “She shot at us. With real bullets.

“Y'get used to it,” Sniper said, matter-of-factly wiping the blood off on his pants.

Sekibanki threaded fingers through her hair, droplets of sweat beading upon her brow. “We are gonna die.”

“Y'get used to it,” Sniper repeated, his tone unchanging.
_____

PARTY STATUS

Demo: Healthy

Sniper: Wounded

Spy: Dead?

Sekibanki: Shaken

BOSS FIGHT: REISEN & TEWI

Reisen: Grazed

Tewi: Healthy

[X] Cautious approach, lads. They've got the home-field advantage, but sharp eyes and good aim will see you through their tricks and ambushes.

[X] Giving them time to entrench is a fool's game. Storm them, bludgeon the wenches most grievously, and get on with the job.

[X] Fall back, set up, and teach them why it's a terrible idea to chase a Demoman into close-quarters.

[X] Write-in?
No. 179583
[X] Fall back, set up, and teach them why it's a terrible idea to chase a Demoman into close-quarters.

Reisen and Tewi have the home-field advantage, but you can't fall in a trap if you stop moving, and our boys are geared for defense anyway. Let's engage them in a battle of wits and make them fight on our terms.
No. 179584
[X] Fall back, set up, and teach them why it's a terrible idea to chase a Demoman into close-quarters.
No. 179589
[x] Fall back, set up, and teach them why it's a terrible idea to chase a Demoman into close-quarters.
>“Surprise, maggots!”
Ah damn, now I'm wishing we brought Soldier.
No. 179590
[X] Fall back, set up, and teach them why it's a terrible idea to chase a Demoman into close-quarters.

A Demoman with pipes and stickies is a terror on offense and defense, Sniper is disgusting ass hole when he has a perch, and Spy is probably sneaking around. I say we hole up until the Frenchman shows up.

Also, for those who haven't played TF2, Demoman is classified as a "defensive" class, but that's hardly the case. The Scotsman is the game's single most destructive and powerful class, on offense and defense, because of his stickybombs and grenade launchers. Take out an Engineer's sentry nest? Spawn camp a point? Deal massive AOE damage? He can do it all.
No. 179592
>>179590
Eh, of those, only "destroy sentry nest" is really an offensive ability. And that's a reactive offensive ability. (It's in response to an enemy's actions, not something you initiate yourself.)
Camping a spawn point is defensive, even if he's defending the front line, and dealing aoe damage is neither offensive nor defensive. It's just a capability to be used for either end result.

I think the real reason it's classed as "defensive" (besides the obvious need to balance it out as 3/3/3 in the class list) is because of the short range of the bombs, making him better at defending than rushing positions. If you want offensive aoe, you use the soldier because his rockets aren't limited by gravity.
Of course, a good demo can play offense too, but that's the player, not the class.
No. 179595
[X] Fall back, set up, and teach them why it's a terrible idea to chase a Demoman into close-quarters.
No. 179596
>>179592

Honestly, taking the class balance at face value isn't particularly smart, seeing as each class has multiple roles to fill. At least most of them, but even then there's usually blending. A Heavy can be critical to nearly any defensive or offensive scenario, and I should point out that pre-Sandvich nerf he could operate alone because he was the only class that could toss out a medium health kit for himself at will.

As for the range issue, the game is meant to have all its battles take place at mid to close range (save for Snipers that fight at long range, and the ever-dreaded Wrangler Engineer) so the only issue with the Demoman for the most part is that he needs to have a decent aim and know how their projectiles work. Same goes for the Soldier, really, as even though his rockets have potentially infinite range, the damage falloff murders their ability to actually... murder. Except for when they luck out and score a crit, or are blasting apart a building, but if you're sitting at Sniper range relying on the former you're doing it wrong and if you're doing the latter you're also doing it wrong if the Engineer is still there. Also don't forget that the Soldier's rockets are also actually fairly slow.

Plus Demomen are also good for trick shots when you can't afford to get in an opponent's direct line of sight, which is something few to no other classes can actually accomplish. The Loch-n'-Load is the only pipe bomb launcher that can't actually do this, and I'm pretty sure Demo's got stock here at least.

As you said, it comes down to the individual player, and remember that the canon merc team is portrayed as downright godlike in the Meet the Team videos. No doubt that for all his total lack of sobriety here, this Demoman could fill any role his class could in-game.

That being said:
[X] Cautious approach, lads. They've got the home-field advantage, but sharp eyes and good aim will see you through their tricks and ambushes.

Let's not forget that this really is Tewi's domain, as the House of Eternity was hers long before Kaguya and Eirin decided to take up occupancy. Odds are good that she's every bit the sneaky bastard the Spy is, and may even operate similar to him. It's clear that Reisen's taken up the Soldier's role, but is running something that doesn't have the same damage output of a Rocket Launcher. Even if it is still perfectly lethal in her hands.

Plus the REDs still have their own sneaky bastard that's unaccounted for and most likely not as dead as he'd like everyone to think. He'll pop up at some opportune time to put a knife in someone's back, but they may need to give him the opening. An enemy facing their enemy is an enemy with their back turned to the Spy.
No. 179601
[X] Fall back, set up, and teach them why it's a terrible idea to chase a Demoman into close-quarters.
No. 179605
[X] Cautious approach, lads. They've got the home-field advantage, but sharp eyes and good aim will see you through their tricks and ambushes.
No. 179610
[x] Cautious approach, lads. They've got the home-field advantage, but sharp eyes and good aim will see you through their tricks and ambushes.

Demo was able to destroy the wall turrets as soon as they popped out, so we know he's got pretty good aim. I'm confident this will work out, as SLDT said.
No. 179615
[X] Fall back, set up, and teach them why it's a terrible idea to chase a Demoman into close-quarters.

This also lets Spy set up for backstabs, if he's still alive.

Who are we kidding, of course he's alive.
No. 179619
>>179615

Unless he isn't.
No. 179622
[X] Fall back, set up, and teach them why it's a terrible idea to chase a Demoman into close-quarters.


Ahahahaha. I'm not even familiar with the crossover and I've been laughing like mad. Good job, Saxton Hale.
No. 179628
[X] Fall back, set up, and teach them why it's a terrible idea to chase a Demoman into close-quarters.

Voting this. Loving this.

And looking at Eientei, part of me wishes the Scout was part of the team chosen due to the whole rabbit thing he has.
No. 179675
[X] Fall back, set up, and teach them why it's a terrible idea to chase a Demoman into close-
No. 179693
Dear readers, I am sorry to inform you that the man I have writing this all for you has come down with an extreme case of HARD DRIVE FAILURE, and as such, he cannot deliver any more TEAM FORTRESS adventures for the immediate future!

>but Saxton, aren't you a multi-billionaire CEO? Why don't you just buy him a-

Because I don't earn a thing off this, that's why!
No. 179702
>>179693
Relax this happens twice a year on this site. At least it has for the last 4 years.
No. 179703
'PUT YOUR FUCKING NOTES ON FUCKING PASTEBIN' needs to be made a rule or something already.
No. 179707
>>179703

Even if he did have his notes on pastebin, I'm sure he would have higher priorities to take of first.

His trap porn collection, 300+ hour RPG save files, and his VN/anime backlog immediately come to mind as something that, of course, any normal person would have to take care of posthaste.
No. 179711
Happens to the best of us. Just don't forget about this story while you're rebuilding. This has been pretty fun so far!
No. 179744
>>179693

...I just found this, WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO MEEEEEE?!
No. 179779
Typing updates on a tablet is a serious pain and I do not recommend it!
_____

"If there's anything I learned while in the outback, it was how to wait," Sniper said, glowering at the hole they jumped through. "Preferably from a nice perch, at that."

"I getcha," Demo said, shutting his grenade launcher's ammo chamber with a click. "Oi, Banki! We're falling back!"

Sekibanki nodded. She may have been of a mind to simply bolt, preferably screaming as she did so, but the urge was quashed by the simple logic of how nasty things would likely splat her if she split from the group. At least sticking with the mercs meant she had meat shields to soak up a trap or two, which might buy her enough time to make a clean break for freedom while they were horribly savaged in her wake.

Instead of voicing her treasonous thoughts aloud, she merely gave the man a wavering smile. "Why not? Lead on."

Demo took the lead, pulling open another door and stepping through. Sekibanki followed, eying the walls as though something might leap out and eat her face at any moment.

"Y'should have more confidence in yourself, lass," Sniper said, falling into an easy stride beside her without any care as to how he had enough blood on him to fit on the set of a slasher film. "You haven't bolted from the folks tryin' to plaster your brains over the wall. It's a good start!"

She glared at him, but the clear worry in her eyes dampened the effect. "They're going to kill us, if you hadn't noticed."

Sniper tipped his hat. "Not if we shoot first, eh?"

Despite herself, a tiny chuckle slipped out her lips. "You don't say?"

"Shooting first is only his bloody job, girl," Demo said, pulling up short as he caught sight of more piano wire.

"What do you two do, anyway?" Sekibanki asked, shuffling aside to allow Sniper passage.

Sniper chopped the wire apart. "Shoot men, blow things up while shooting men, steal glowing briefcases while men try to shoot us, capture territory while shooting men, and so on."

Sekibanki raised her hands in surrender. "I get it, lots of people get shot." Her ears pricked up at paper shifting behind her, and her head spun around without the hideous cracking one would associate with a neck twisting in impossible ways. "Sentry up top!"

"Sometimes there's giant wizards and hell zombies, too," Demo said, spinning on a heel to blast the turret Banki warned them about. "It's not a boring job, that's for sure."

"Sounds like you guys'll fit right in here," Sekibanki said, her neck twisting back to its regular orientation. If the mercs were bothered by her display, they didn't show it.

"We ain't staying that long, I'll have you know," Sniper said. "Once the job's done, we're gone before everyone tries to lynch us."

Sekibanki lacked a retort to that, so the group pressed on in wary silence.

"Are they backing off?" she asked, after a tense half-minute had passed without further attempts on their lives. She was answered by Demo flinging an arm in front of her and Sniper.

"Wait!" he said, prodding the flooring ahead of him with his boot. After finding nothing that way, he gave it a solid thump; the stretch of wood in question fell, and was pierced clean through by dozens of sharpened wooden spikes. Sniper whistled, Demoman hissed, and Sekibanki grew a shade paler.

"How'd you spot that?" she asked.

Demo shook his head. "Y'mean felt. It was lighter than the rest, kinda wobbled when I stepped on it."

"Good on ya, mate," Sniper said, giving his comrade a pat on the back and painting his dark armor bloody as a result.

"Enough of this mushy crap!" said their unseen aggressor. "Reisen, you're up!"

"Stop giving me away, Tewi!" Reisen roared, popping out from a door a fair distance ahead to unload a salvo at the group, causing them to duck and scatter. At the same time, six sentries unfolded from of the walls and ceiling, surrounding the group.

"Banki!" Demo said, already unleashing grenades with dead-eyed precision. "Behind us!"

Sekibanki's fists flared crimson, enveloped by whirling energy as she span around and punched away, the shots smashing into a pair of turrets and bending them irreparably. Demo blasted each of his turrets apart with single direct hits, heedless of the bullets flying past the group.

The crack of rifle fire, alongside a shriek of metal deforming, split the air. "Tagged ya!" Sniper shouted in triumph, waving at Reisen as she stared in horror at her ruined rifle, the barrel bent into uselessness. She spared no time for a retort, drawing a silenced pistol from her jacket as she ran across the hall for another door, sending bullets down range fast as she could pull the trigger.

Another loud report heralded Sniper's last shot, the bullet taking Reisen straight in the chest, the sudden impact knocking the wind out of her and sending the woman off-balance to the point she tripped over herself and tumbled through the doorway.

"Wanker!" Sniper called after her.

Taking advantage of their brief reprieve, Sekibanki wrenched a nearby door open, peeked inside, then waved back to the mercs. "This room looks like a good spot to hole up! Come on!"

The two men bounded after her, Demoman slamming the door shut as the last one through. As the other two began pushing furniture to block the entrance, Demo stepped back, swapped to his sticky launcher, and began laying mines in a wide area on the ceiling.

"Nothing's getting in here while I got something to say about it!" he said, stepping back to admire his handiwork. With the bombs and barricades in place, everyone retreated to the room's center, pressing back to back.

"Think this'll work?" Sniper asked, keeping his rifle at the ready.

"If they're dumb enough to come for us, it should," Demo said, idly thumbing the detonator for his trap.

"Er, what about us? Aren't we in the blast zone?" Sekibanki asked, giving the explosives a wary glare.

"Long as you hit the deck first, you'll be fine. Anyone still standing'll get their heads blown off, though."

"Ah." Sekibanki fidgeted. "So are they actually coming, or what?" she asked, repeatedly clenching her fists in a nervous tic.

On cue, a floor panel slid open barely long enough for a slender hand to fling a bundled set of grenades into the room. "Enjoy!" Tewi said, mad glee in her voice as the package landed.

"Bloody- everyone! Behind me!" Demo said. As the others dived to the floor, the Scot grabbed the bundle, reared back, and flung it away; the bomb had barely cleared five feet before it exploded with enough force to send him flying back, spinning through the air and through a wall in a shower of paper.

The room was deathly quiet as the two still inside picked themselves up, remarkably intact thanks to Demoman taking the brunt of the blast.

"Demo!" Sniper called. "You all right?"

"Ooh," groaned the cyclops, raising a hand to be seen through the hole, "that smarts."

Caught utterly off-guard by his indifference to exploding, Sekibanki couldn't help but snigger. "You- you just got blown up, and all you can say is-"

The plinking of subsonic rounds ripping through paper terminally interrupted her, blood bursting from a fresh pair of holes in her chest. She hit the floor with a scream, leaving Sniper the only one standing. The man spun around, pulling a submachine gun from the confines of his jacket in a smooth motion, before he began hosing the walls with rapid bursts of lead. "Get out here, piker!"

The floor opened up behind him, and Tewi hopped out in utter silence, butcher knife in hand and a manic grin on her lips. She struck when Sniper paused to reload, driving the blade into the back of his leg with enough force to drop him to a knee with a cry of pain. Even as she ripped it out, however, Sniper was already pulling his kukri loose, and he span around as he fell to the floor, the better to deliver a wild swing with his blade. Tewi narrowly ducked the strike, dashed in, and lunged for his throat, but he caught her by the wrist with his free hand, leaving him flat on his back with the diminutive girl atop his chest.

"Nice moves!" she said, all smiles despite how she was in a decidedly unenviable position.

Sniper growled as he raised his kukri in preparation for a skull-splitting blow. "Let's see you smile after I carve your face up, you little bugger!"

Reisen chose this moment to kick a hole in the wall and sstep inside, pistol trained on the man's head. "You really want to try it, be my guest."

Sniper froze, his eyes flicking around the room, at Sekibanki curled up on the floor, at the hole Demoman had flown through, and finally the bombs that had been laid on the ceiling.

"Demo!" he screamed, his only hope lying in the man understanding what he meant.

Fortunately for him, Demoman was always ready to blow things up.

The room rang with explosions, shredding the walls and smashing Reisen to the floor, even as Sniper brought his kukri down on Tewi. The girl twisted away from the awkward blow, taking it across the shoulder instead of on the head as intended, but there was still enough force behind it to launch her off sure as if he'd thrown her. She landed with a squeak, but bounded upright and scurried for the hole in the floor.

"Take this!" Sniper said, forgoing any sense of basic human decency as he withdrew a jar from his jacket, the container filled with a yellow liquid. "Courtesy of my body!"

He threw it.

The jar flew through the air with disgusting accuracy, homing in on the girl whose eyes were widening in fear at what was about to occur. It crashed upon her dress with a great shattering of glass, liquid spraying over her dress and face and everything else. Tewi stumbled to a halt a mere foot away from escape, holding dripping hands in front of her face as she tried to process what had just happened. She looked up at the man who was responsible, a strange, existential horror dawning upon her as the terrible truth of what she had been subjected to sank in. "Is- is this-"

"Jarate!" Sniper said, without so much as a trace of shame or dignity.

A high-pitched, keening wail tore up from her throat, one that could be best described as "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

Sniper patted her consolingly on the shoulder. "Aw, y'get used to it, mate."

"WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS" she sobbed. The drenched girl was so caught up in her own existential crisis that she didn't even bother trying to dodge the chop Sniper dealt out, his kukri catching her straight on the nose and smashing her flat into the floor.

Reisen propped herself up on her elbows, staring at Sniper in shock and disgust. "You're the worst."

"And?"

"The worst."

"That'll teach her," Demo said, having pulled himself back up. He stepped into the room a good deal worse for wear, but his armor had soaked enough of the grenades to save his life.

"She shot me! She actually shot-" Sekibanki's recriminations were cut short by a fresh wave of bullet-related agony, forcing her to hug herself tighter. "This is my blood," she said, her voice cracking. "It's my blood, it's a lot of my blood."

"Two shots won't kill you, girl," Demo said, hauling her back to her feet.

She leaned against the man for support, her face twisted in a pained grimace. "Sure feels like they will."

"Just why are you doing this?" Reisen asked. "What do you even want?"

" 'fraid I can't say." Sniper leaned in close, brandishing his kukri. "Rabbit teeth aren't much of a prize, but I still gotta make a necklace out of yours. Bushman rules."

A flick of her wrist sent a pistol flying from her sleeve and into her hand, and she pressed the barrel up against the bottom of his chin. "Always have a plan."

"To kill everyone you meet," Sniper finished, a genuine smile crossing his face despite his predicament. "Oh, I like you, girl."

"Drop your blade, put your hands up, and turn around slowly, or we'll see what your brains look like." Sniper did as ordered, and Reisen seized him about the neck in a loose chokehold. Hostage in hand, she began edging towards the hole she made.

"Oi!" Demo said, aiming his grenade launcher at them with one hand. "Don't you dare shoot him, you wee bint!"

"I will punch you so hard," Sekibanki added, magic swirling around her bloody fist.

Reisen glowered at them. "Don't even think of-"

Whatever she was of a mind to say was interrupted by six inches of solid steel being driven into the base of her neck. The woman's eyes shrank into tiny pinpricks, her mouth locked open in a noiseless scream as she collapsed in a heap, revealing another Reisen behind her, a curved Arabian knife in hand. As the body vanished into nothingness, the new Reisen twirled the knife around her fingers, smiled, then tucked it away in her shirt.

"Gentlemen," 'she' said, her voice a flawless imitation of the fallen woman's. "It seems my arrival was well-timed!"

Sekibanki stared at her, mouth agape. "What."

Sniper raised a hand, one that the imposter promptly slapped. "Nice one, Spy!"

"I try," Spy said, handing the bushman his kukri. "I would have intervened earlier, but timing is everything."

"That was a proper bloody stab, mate!" Demo said, grinning widely.

Sekibanki raised a hand. "I say again, what?"

"Enough of the congratulations," Spy said. He produced their map from his shirt, prompting Sniper to search his jacket for it in sudden alarm. "We have directions!"

When he unfolded it, the map's contents had shifted to display the insides of their current location, with their objective clearly marked as being on the opposite side of the building.

"How'd you even get that?" Sniper asked.

"You weren't precisely paying attention during our approach."

"So," Sekibanki whispered, as Sniper and Spy briefly argued about stealing things from each other. "This whole shape shifting thing is normal?"

"Oh, yes, he does it all the time," Demo replied. "Ever wake up to a giant man about to sit on your face?"

"No?"

"Be glad you haven't."

"Well, we got a target," Sniper said, pushing his ire aside. "Think we could use your disguise to close in, Spy?"

"That is one way, yes," Spy agreed. "I could also cover your flanks while you push ahead."

"Could work, aye," Demo said, face scrunched up in thought. "Of course, we could always just blow everything up, draw most of them away while you sneak in and cap the flag."

Sekibanki gave Demo a knowing look. "You're just saying that because you want more explosions, aren't you."

He grinned. "You know me so well, lass."
_____

Party Status!

Demoman: Wounded

Sniper: Severely Wounded

Sekibanki: Wounded

Spy: Healthy/Disguised
_____

Bosses Defeated!

Reisen: Body Snatched

Tewi: Mentally Shattered
_____

[X] Spy splits off from the group, using his disguise to break for the objective while everyone else distracts the enemy.

[X] Everyone marches together, using 'Reisen' as a hostage to deter further attacks.

[X] Spy shadows the party under invisibility, waiting for the best moments to strike their enemies down as they fight towards the objective.

[X] Write In?
No. 179780
>Typing updates on a tablet

Seriously? wow. thanks, dude,

[X] Spy splits off from the group, using his disguise to break for the objective while everyone else distracts the enemy.
No. 179781
[X]If Spy is able to accuratly copy mannerisms from just the stab
-[X] 'Reisen' escorts the group to their objective, claiming that they are prisoners.
[X] If not.
-[X]Everyone marches together, using 'Reisen' as a hostage to deter further attacks.
[X] Regardless, move quickly: a rabbit covered in jara-tewi will attract attention pretty fast.

We aren't in a good position for another fight unless we can find med-kits, we've taken too much damage, so we should make the most of our disguise and get to the point without a fuss.
No. 179783
I wouldn't normally respond so quickly, but this is a question that needs answering for a properly informed vote.

>>179781

Spy has had years to practice his impressions of the other mercs, while his sole contact with Reisen was from stabbing her in the spine.

So, to answer your question, no, he cannot accurately imitate her mannerisms. In the future, given time to study future targets, he may very well be able to pull off a flawless impersonation.
No. 179784
[X]If Spy is able to accuratly copy mannerisms from just the stab
-[X] 'Reisen' escorts the group to their objective, claiming that they are prisoners.
[X] If not.
-[X]Everyone marches together, using 'Reisen' as a hostage to deter further attacks.
[X] Regardless, move quickly: a rabbit covered in jara-tewi will attract attention pretty fast.

Sounds good to me.

Heh, jara-tewi
No. 179785
[X] Spy splits off from the group, using his disguise to break for the objective while everyone else distracts the enemy.
Also, where did Reisen's body disappear to anyway? I mean, is it just invisible on the floor, or what?
No. 179787
-[X]Everyone marches together, using 'Reisen' as a hostage to deter further attacks.
[X] Regardless, move quickly: a rabbit covered in jara-tewi will attract attention pretty fast.


>>179785
It should be invisible, yes, When you stab someone with that knife, their corpse does the stealth animation as it falls instead of just dying regularly.


Also, since the teams weapons are non-lethal: Why is everyone else firing live ammunition, and at people who are technically not involved in this venture too (i.e. 'Banki)?
No. 179790
[x] Everyone marches together, using 'Reisen' as a hostage to deter further attacks.

Saxton, you wonderful man, thank you for brining updates.
No. 179792
-[X]Everyone marches together, using 'Reisen' as a hostage to deter further attacks.
[X] Regardless, move quickly: a rabbit covered in jara-tewi will attract attention pretty fast.
No. 179794
... I thought this was supposed to be non-lethal.
No. 179795
>>179794
>Believing that Saxton would hold to that
No. 179796
[X] Spy splits off from the group, using his disguise to break for the objective while everyone else distracts the enemy.
No. 179797
>>179794

Well, they are youkai. They'll probably regenerate from that.

Eventually.
No. 179798
>>179787

Probably because they don't know that these very real looking weapons have been nerfed and they saw the heavily armed guy's crashing through the roof as an invasion.

The only other person that knows the whole story is Yukari, and she's not the type to tell everyone what's going on, if anything she told them the opposite to make things more fun and because the mercs re-spawn anyway.
No. 179799
>>179798
Is it explained in-game/universe why they respawn? Nanotech or something? Clones?
No. 179800
>>179799

No, but to quote this thread's OP "As she watched them fight and scream and die and come back from the grave to do it all again, she smiled." They're popping back somehow so they either return to the spawn room upon death or are disposable clones. Fan theories exist and most point to someone in the engineer family tree inventing some kind of cloning machine that mann-co builds and maintains.
No. 179801
>>179800
Well, considering that Engineer's grandfather (I think) built not one, but two immortality machines, it's not too weird to think that they've repurposed some of that tech for other reasons.
No. 179804
>>179801
There's also that upgrade to the Medigun in Mann vs. Machine that let's you revive dead teammates.

Then again, the canon for Team Fortress 2 is pretty damn fuzzy. Who's on the other team, for instance?
No. 179805
[X]If Spy is able to accuratly copy mannerisms from just the stab
-[X] 'Reisen' escorts the group to their objective, claiming that they are prisoners.
[X] If not.
-[X]Everyone marches together, using 'Reisen' as a hostage to deter further attacks.
[X] Regardless, move quickly: a rabbit covered in jara-tewi will attract attention pretty fast
No. 179806
>>179805
See >>179783
No. 179815
I'm just making sure but...
>Also, all your weapons have been rendered non-lethal.
This is still on right?

And then this
[X] Everyone marches together, using 'Reisen' as a hostage to deter further attacks.
No. 179816
[X] Everyone marches together, using 'Reisen' as a hostage to deter further attacks.
-[X]At some point, allow for 'Reisen' to be 'accidentally' lost, either through rescue by 'her' comrades or by 'her' escaping on 'her' own
No. 179817
Why the heck do people keep asking if the merc's weapons are non-lethal? They have clearly been shown to be as such.
No. 179819
>>179817
I suspect it's the scream from Reisen and the thing about her corpse disappearing. The scream sounded painful and there's the word "corpse" mentioned.
No. 179820
>>179779
[X] Spy splits off from the group, using his disguise to break for the objective while everyone else distracts the enemy.
No. 179822
>>179819
Non-lethal=/=painless. In fact, very few things are both! Take paintball, for instance. That's not painless at all.

Also, to qoute the OP:
>Also, all your weapons have been rendered non-lethal. Yes, Spy, even your knife. You can still jam it into the base of people's spines, but you're not going to do much more than knock them silly.”
Notice how that's exactly what happened here.
No. 179829
Hello again! I will be announcing the vote result at the bottom of this post, but first questions need answering! Since responding to individual questions is a MAJOR pain on a tablet, I'll just answer the common questions in one block! I was so serious while I wrote this that I was frowning the entire time! Just so you get the full effect of a HALE FROWN, I will even post a picture of my face AT THIS VERY MOMENT!

One, yes, the mercs' weapons are all non-lethal, but they still work as advertised, and they are all REALLY PAINFUL! Pyro can still set people on fire, Heavy can shoot people full of holes, and Spy can stab people in the neck, but they DO NOT DIE! Even Reisen is still alive, but her body has been cloaked due to how she was KO'd by Spy's Eternal Reward knife.

As for why people are fighting back with lethal weaponry, look at it from Reisen's point of view: you're a professional soldier, a group of men flew through your ceiling, one of whom apparently died on impact, the rest are busy fighting everyone else on the premises, and they're trying to get somewhere classified from the general public. A few more bodies on top of the first starts seeming like a case of "Oh, why the hell not?"

Tewi is just plain mean, though, and has been wanting a chance to test out lethal traps for a while now.

>>179819

You know what I said about not responding to individual posts? I hadn't seen this yet!

No, there is no mention of the word 'corpse' in the paragraph Reisen is stabbed! The exact word used was 'body', which can mean a corpse, but just as easily mean they're unconscious, such as from the after-effects of a miraculously non-lethal backstab.

Now that the Q&A is over, I'm calling the vote for the team using Spy as a fake hostage to get close to the flag! Expect an update sometime in the relatively near future!
No. 180010
I have to say, Spy would be really fun at parties.
I wait for the day this once again updates.
No. 180094
"So," Sekibanki said, having given the soaked and thoroughly unconscious Tewi a cursory glance. "Jarate, huh?"

Sniper gave her a winsome grin. "The jar-based karate! It's unsanitary, disgusting, and completely horrible, but very effective! I'm a Yellow Belt at it."

Sekibanki leaned away from him as much as she possibly could while still hanging onto Demoman, her smile slightly too wide to be genuine. "Of course you are."

"Pay no attention to the filthy jar man," Spy said, giving Sniper a faintly disgusted look. "Really, for your own sake."

Sniper glared at him. "Didja find anything out, or are you just here to complain?"

"Well, I stabbed a number of rabbits, girls, and rabbit girls on my way here, but none of them were especially forthcoming afterwards." Spy rose and dusted his fake tie off. "I am afraid we may simply have to go in the old-fashioned way."

"Right. So," said Sekibanki, her deathly paleness no doubt having something to do with the sizable patches of blood soaking her shirt from her bullet wounds. "This might come as a surprise to you guys, but I don't want to die."

"Well, neither do I," said Sniper, "but y'don't hear me complaining about all the holes in me, do you?"

"That's because you're a weirdo who throws piss at people."

"And your head pops off and flies around. Also, it's Jarate," Sniper corrected.

"What?"

"The technical term is Jarate," he said, in the tone of one well-used to explaining the distinction. "And besides, it's all relative. You're a master of detaching your head and throwing it around, I'm a master of jar-based karate, it's all pretty strange in the end."

"Anyway," Demoman said, cutting into the conversation before Sekibanki could get more infuriated with Sniper. "I'm sure there's going to be medkits somewhere close, so no worries."

"Better be," Sekibanki grumbled. Her eyes lit up as the only reasonable member of the group approached.

"Worry not, my fleur," Spy said, taking her hand in his own. "I will shield you myself should any further danger come to pass."

She giggled, charmed despite her gaping chest wounds. "That's- that's sweet and all, but at the same time, I'm kinda getting mixed signals from how you look."

He drew back, looked down at his disguised form, and frowned. "Hmm. Yes, I see what you mean." Just as well Scout was not here to see him, he thought, else he might not ever live it down.

A more worrying thought occurred to the woman. "Also, didn't you die?"

Spy produced a golden pocket-watch. "It was merely a cunning ruse, my dear."

Sekibanki stared at the watch, her eyebrows scrunching together as she tried to figure out what he was getting at. "As managed through the power of fancy timepieces, I assume."

Spy nodded. "Essentially."

"Oh." She thought about that for a short time, then shrugged. "I've seen weirder."

"Oi!" Demo snapped, jolting the two from their conversation with all the subtlety of a hurled brick. "If'n you two are done, we're burning time here!"

"Demo's right," Sniper said. "Anyway, Spy, you mind playing the hostage? I think that's our best chance of getting close."

Spy gave himself a once-over, then stuffed the imaginary tie in his mouth. He gave Sniper a thumbs-up before he raised his hands and held them behind his head.

Demo rubbed his chin. "The lassie was pretty scowly and angry, too, just so you know."

'Reisen' adopted an annoyed expression, as though she had simply been caught up in a mildly inconvenient situation instead of fearing for her life. A rabbit edged into the room while everyone was occupied with setting 'Reisen' up as a hostage. With them none the wiser, it snuck over to Tewi's limp form and gave her a tentative sniff, and reeled back surely as if it had been kicked. It looked at Sniper, its beady red eyes narrowing.

And then it screamed, high-pitched and very nearly human.

Everyone else recoiled save the bushman, who simply whirled around and glared death at the creature. "Stuff it, you lil' bugger!" It promptly shut up, and Sniper made chopping motions with his kukri as he continued talking. "Listen, you or yours try anything on us, and I mean anything, and you'll get the same treatment as that stabby bint over there, you get me? The smell'll never go away once I'm done with you! Now go on, go tell your friends!"

The rabbit shrank more and more beneath every word, and it bolted the moment Sniper finished.

Sekibanki gave the man an impressed look, his display enough to at least balance out the whole Jarate thing. "Very persuasive, aren't you?"

"Monsters, every last one," Sniper grumbled.

"Gentlemen?" Spy asked, although with his mouth stuffed it came out more as a "Gntmrrphh?"

"Spy's right, lads, we can't keep sitting around," Demo said, giving Sekibanki a little shake. "I've got Banki, you two take up the lead."

Sekibanki made a thoughtful little noise as she surveyed the group. "Considering I'm the only one with both my hands free, you guys mind giving me the map?" Sniper passed her the map without preamble, and she gave him a little smile of her own. The bullets weren't quite so hideously painful anymore, although whether that was from her growing used to it or simple blood-loss was up for debate.

Sniper stuffed his kukri through his belt, strapped his rifle to his back, and finally retrieved his SMG. "Right, I got all my things. Spy, I'll keep my gun on you so no one tries to get us, yeah?" He turned to face the others. "As for you two, just keep your eyes open, all right? Who knows what they might try to pull if they think they can get away with it."

With everyone on board for the plan, the party proceeded out of the room, Spy at front, Sniper limping behind him, and Demoman bringing up the rear, practically carrying Sekibanki along. The team ran into absolutely no trouble along the way, the halls and rooms they cut through devoid of any life. After the fifth straight hallway without something occurring, Sekibanki had had enough of the silence. "You'd think there'd be more of those guns, or someone would be tailing us, or something," she said, continually glancing around. "It's almost like they're letting us through."

"They could all just be staying in reserve while we got our little friend here," Sniper mused, his tone thoughtful.

"Could also be setting us up for a right proper ambush," Demoman said, the lack of any available alcohol really starting the bring the Scot down.

"Knowing how things have gone so far, I'd have to agree with Demo," Sekibanki admitted. The conversation was put on hold as the group reached an intersection. She brought the map up, and squinted at the contents. "What kind of map is this, anyway? Never seen one with moving bits before."

"Is now really the best time?" Sniper asked, peering down the corridors just in case anything was lying in wait.

She shot a mild frown his way. "Keep your hat on, Snipes. We gotta hang a left here, then keep going up until we-"

Her directions were interrupted by a body crashing through the walls ahead, wood and paper and scraps of cloth flying everywhere as the unfortunate person rolled to a halt. She took several seconds to push herself upright, then glared blearily around the hall until her eyes settled on the party. For a moment, there was nothing but concussed confusion, but when she saw Demoman, she froze. Her face was a torn mess, bits of glass still stuck in it, but the hate she felt was perfectly clear through her mangled features.

"You!" she snarled, lurching their way.

"GOTCHA, BITCH!" Mokou roared, flying through the hole with flaming boot outstretched, and she caught the princess right in the face, sending the two of them clear through the next few walls in line.

"...What just happened?" Demoman asked, scratching the back of his cap due to no small amount of confusion.

"Whatever it was, let's not stick around for her to come back," Sekibanki said, hardly phased by the incident after what she'd already been through. "Anyway, like I was saying, we go left, then take the third door on the right, and then we just go straight from there."

The party followed her directions exactly, although the sounds of carnage they left behind them were almost too intriguing to pass up. They reached the door Sekibanki had specified, and once Sniper pulled it open, he loosed a low whistle of appreciation.

"Now that is the queen's birthday, right there," he said, stepping inside. The rest followed him to find a clinical treatment area, although most of the medical supplies seemed to be for more mundane illnesses than bullet and stab wounds.

"Toldja we'd find some medkits," Demo said, giving the grinning woman hanging off him a smug look.

"Oh, shaddup," she said, giving the man a playful little slug on the chest.

Sniper vaulted over the counter and retrieved a medical bag from behind the desk. He laid it on the counter and began laying out the contents within with the eagerness only a man bleeding to death can muster. Spy, confident they were alone, removed his gag and went over to help Sniper out with his work.

"Not too much to work with," commented the Frenchman, pulling out a strip of bandages. He gave Sniper an appraising glance. "You look like hell, by the way."

Sniper grunted. "Feel it, too. I'll take the pills, thanks." He opened a bottle of pain medication and downed a handful of meds without bothering to look at the recommended dosage, confident that all their Medic's strange and horrifying experiments had rendered him immune to overdosing. (They didn't.)

"Oh, oh!" Sekibanki said, waving a hand. "Don't forget about me, guys? With the bullets?"

"What're we waiting for, then?" Demo asked, and the two lurched towards medical relief.

-----

"Right! How's everyone feel?" Demo asked, once everyone had finished applying the contents of the medkit to their injuries.

"Like I'm not going to keel over with every step I take," Sekibanki said, clearly enjoying being able to walk around on her own. She poked her bandages. "Have to admit, it's a lot better than it was before."

"Bloody hell, but I wish we had the doc with us right now," Sniper muttered. His limp was much less pronounced now that he was treated properly, but he was still in fairly poor condition.

Smoke lazily trailed up from Spy's cigarette, the rogue seated on the counter and still in disguise. "Well, so long as we don't run straight into an ambush like a group of imbeciles, this should last us until we're safe. Shall we move?" When everyone nodded affirmative, he spat the cigarette out and ground it beneath his shoe. "Then let us proceed, gentlemen."

The party fell back into formation, pressing through the next few rooms without incident but also, sadly, without finding any further supplies. They came up short at the next-to-last door standing between them and the flag, the massive steel thing looming in front of them with a number of 'do not enter' signs plastered over it. The rest of the room had the same protection. The keypad next to it glowed a baleful red, as if reproachful that they would dare show their faces.

"Don't think we're walking through that one," Sekibanki said, frowning at the obstacle.

"Oh, aye," Demo said, having readied his sticky launcher. "Plug your ears, everybody, we're going in loud!"

Before anyone could voice an objection, he was already launching bombs all around the door; everyone else dove for cover before the fourth one had landed. Once he finished, he backed up to the end of the room, pulled the trigger, and grinned widely as the explosives all went off, the detonations deafening in such close quarters.

Once the room had stopped ringing, Sekibanki was the first to chance popping her head out of cover only to find the door still standing proud, albeit with many more scorch marks than when it had started. She frowned. "I think we might need to take a different-"

Demo ambled over to the door, squinted at it, and then poked it directly in the center. The moment he touched it, the titan fell into the room ahead with a massive crash of steel on steel.

Sekibanki blinked. "Or we could do that."

The lab they stepped into was not especially large, built seemingly to house a single person. The only other door was at the far end of the room, which was filled with all sorts of machines, tables, and physical equipment for the more hands-on experiments, ranging from fairly standard tongs and measuring devices to slightly disturbing things such as a chair with straps for holding someone in place. The walls and floor were all matching steel. Colorful liquids bubbled in beakers all over, and papers were scattered about with all the care of someone who didn't.

For the mercs, it was like a usual trip to Medic's operating room, except markedly more clean.

"Huh," Sekibanki said, having given the map another glance. "Looks like the flag's coming this way?"

"Tell me when whoever's got it is close to the door," Sniper whispered.

Sekibanki brought the map closer to her face. "That question had excellent timing, because it's right about now."

"Eyes sharp, lads," Sniper whispered. He prodded Spy with his gun and, once the man had reassumed his hostage bearing, raised his voice. "Oi! If there's anyone in there, you'd better come out 'fore I fill the rabbit full of holes!"

"That won't be necessary, gentlemen," said a woman from the next room. She stepped through the door, one hand holding a glowing purple briefcase, the other held over her head in surrender. Old, cold blue eyes studied the mercenaries, framed by braided silver hair hanging all the way down to her knees. Her expression was severe, analytical, taking in the situation in less time than it would take Demoman to advocate explosions for solving a problem. A bow and quiver were slung over her chest. Next to her striking features, her red/blue outfit with constellations stitched on it looked faintly ridiculous.

"I assume you have come for this?" she asked, giving her briefcase a shake for emphasis. "Really, I have no use for it. Don't even know how the thing got in here, as long as I'm being honest with you."

Sniper made a beckoning motion. "Give it here and walk away, medicine woman."

"Just make it easy for us," Sekibanki pleaded, keeping her hands notably free of any magic. "Please? No one else needs to get hurt."

Her eyes flicked towards the ceiling, mouth uttering a rapid barrage of noiseless words as she thought her options through. When she looked back at the mercs, she shook her head. "While I honestly don't care whether you have this or not, I'm afraid I can't let you leave so easily after all the damage you've caused to get here."

"You're alone, unarmed, and outgunned, Doc," Demo said, keeping his grenade launcher ready to blow her apart. "Now, we're being nice. Don't makes us ask again."

She sighed. "First, my name is Eirin, sir. Second, while your reasoning is solid, you've made one critical mistake."

"And what's that?"

"You left all your attention on me," she said, as mildly as if discussing the weather.

The walls behind them were utterly shattered, shards of metal flying through the room, as a rabbit the size of a small horse charged through, its screech echoing throughout the building. Demo and Sekibanki screamed, terrified, in response, but neither were too stunned to lurch aside just in time to pass a hair's breadth from the creature.

"Holy piss!" Sniper cried, vaulting over a table to get away. Spy dove towards Eirin the moment the gun was off him, scrambling out of the way fast as he could manage. The creature tore through all the furniture in its path as if it were made of foam, and it only stopped when it dug its heels into the floor, tearing great gouges in the steel until it came to a halt inches from the doctor. It had more difficulty turning around, and the time it took to face the mercs was enough for everyone to get back on their feet. Muscles rippled beneath its snowy fur, saliva dripping from its open mouth, as fierce crimson eyes glared at the mercs, its bared fangs the size of a man's fist.

Eirin smiled faintly, laying a hand on the beast's flank and idly petting it. "When I heard the racket you all made, I thought this a prudent time to test out one of my latest serums. As you can see, it worked out marvelously." She gave 'Reisen' a nod, and the imposter hesitantly rose to her feet. "Reisen, good to see you're doing well. Now get that tie out of your mouth, you look ridiculous."

She spat it out. "Thanks."

Eirin quirked a brow at the response, but said nothing. She turned her attention back to the mercs, not so much as blinking at the weapons pointed at her. "I wish you good luck, gentlemen. You'll need it. Now, if you'll excuse us?"

A firm smack sent the rabbit into motion, and the barely-restrained ball of fuzzy rage screamed as it charged. As the room erupted in gunfire and magic and panicked screams, the doctor strode back the way she came. Reisen shot the ongoing conflict an uncertain look, her eyes flicking between Eirin's retreating form and the monster threatening to rip apart the entire team.
_____

Party Status!

Demoman: Lightly Wounded

Sniper: Wounded

Sekibanki: Lightly Wounded

Spy: Healthy/Disguised/Poised to Strike
_____

BOSS FIGHT: MUSCLE RABBIT
_____

Spy Opportunity!

[X] The giant rabbit clearly poses a much larger threat here. While a single backstab might not be enough to drop it, the blow should still serve to weaken it for the rest of the team. This course of action will let the doctor escape for the moment, but the team will all be able to face her together when they catch up.

[X] The rest of the team can handle the monster on their own for a little while, surely? The good doctor, meanwhile, might set up something even worse while the team fights her first mutant. Follow her, apply knife to spine the moment her back is turned, and retrieve the flag.

Everyone else:

[X] The rabbit seems to have trouble turning. Keeping the thing in an enclosed space like this and attacking its flanks should serve well enough. Also, with all the chemicals around, there's sure to be something nasty to throw at it.

[X] Retreat to the corridors, split up, and play matador. This isn't the fastest team around, but if the others can keep the rabbit busy for a short time, Demo can set up one hell of a trap for it.

[X] Write-in?
No. 180096
If you want to REALLY test your strength against Touhous in TF2, then play this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yf6h8nV2TI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RrU1xgzbIBU
IP: 192.99.13.26:27015

[X] The rest of the team can handle the monster on their own for a little while, surely? The good doctor, meanwhile, might set up something even worse while the team fights her first mutant. Follow her, apply knife to spine the moment her back is turned, and retrieve the flag.

[X] Go to the corridor, Sniper camping at the back, demo spamming nades and stickies, and Secky Banky providing support. After all, if the rabbit gets close, Demo is the most melee-viable class in TF2. Demopan it, and retrieve your oh-so-needed stout shakos for two refined.
No. 180097
Eirin is dangerous to keep around, and while she may suspect something, we can at least take the chance.
Besides, if he fails, then we get Spy and Eirin talking. Fun!
[X] >>180096
Best plan.
Also, I sincerely hope when we go for SDM, we take Spy.
Remilia's French right? I don't remember.
No. 180099
Sounds legit

[X] The rest of the team can handle the monster on their own for a little while, surely? The good doctor, meanwhile, might set up something even worse while the team fights her first mutant. Follow her, apply knife to spine the moment her back is turned, and retrieve the flag.

[X] Go to the corridor, Sniper camping at the back, demo spamming nades and stickies, and Secky Banky providing support.

Not bad
No. 180100
[X] The rest of the team can handle the monster on their own for a little while, surely? The good doctor, meanwhile, might set up something even worse while the team fights her first mutant. Follow her, apply knife to spine the moment her back is turned, and retrieve the flag.

[X] Go to the corridor, Sniper camping at the back, demo spamming nades and stickies, and Secky Banky providing support. After all, if the rabbit gets close, Demo is the most melee-viable class in TF2. Demopan it, and retrieve your oh-so-needed stout shakos for two refined.
No. 180101
[X] The rest of the team can handle the monster on their own for a little while, surely? The good doctor, meanwhile, might set up something even worse while the team fights her first mutant. Follow her, apply knife to spine the moment her back is turned, and retrieve the flag.


[X] Go to the corridor, Sniper camping at the back, demo spamming nades and sticky with the blessing of b4nny (oh my.), and Secky Banky providing support. After all, if the rabbit gets close, Demo is one of the most melee-viable class in TF2, even though his eyelander isn't here. Demopan it, and retrieve your oh-so-needed stout shakos for two refined.
No. 180102
[X] The rest of the team can handle the monster on their own for a little while, surely? The good doctor, meanwhile, might set up something even worse while the team fights her first mutant. Follow her, apply knife to spine the moment her back is turned, and retrieve the flag.

[X] Go to the corridor, Sniper camping at the back, demo spamming nades and stickies, and Secky Banky providing support. After all, if the rabbit gets close, Demo is the most melee-viable class in TF2. Demopan it, and retrieve your oh-so-needed stout shakos for two refined.

Man, if the good doc were here he'd be drooling at how Eirin pulled her MUSCLE WABBIT trick.
No. 180103
Hm, this sounds fine

[X] The rest of the team can handle the monster on their own for a little while, surely? The good doctor, meanwhile, might set up something even worse while the team fights her first mutant. Follow her, apply knife to spine the moment her back is turned, and retrieve the flag.

[X] Go to the corridor, Sniper camping at the back, demo spamming nades and stickies, and Secky Banky providing support. After all, if the rabbit gets close, Demo is the most melee-viable class in TF2. Demopan it, and retrieve your oh-so-needed stout shakos for two refined.
No. 180104
[X] The giant rabbit clearly poses a much larger threat here. While a single backstab might not be enough to drop it, the blow should still serve to weaken it for the rest of the team. This course of action will let the doctor escape for the moment, but the team will all be able to face her together when they catch up.
[X] Go to the corridor, Sniper camping at the back, demo spamming nades and stickies, and Secky Banky providing support. After all, if the rabbit gets close, Demo is the most melee-viable class in TF2. Demopan it, and retrieve your oh-so-needed stout shakos for two refined.


Just a heads up, Spy probably blew it when he said "Thanks".
Apparently that's not how Reisen acts, judging by Eirin's reaction, It might be better if he gets "mauled" by the rabbit and Dead Ringers to sneak after her instead.
She's probably expecting "Reisen" to do something.

Yes, I'm being paranoid, but when Eirin is an insane evil genius who creates Hulk-Rabbits, paranoia feels justified.
No. 180105
[X] The rest of the team can handle the monster on their own for a little while, surely? The good doctor, meanwhile, might set up something even worse while the team fights her first mutant. Follow her, apply knife to spine the moment her back is turned, and retrieve the flag.

[X] Go to the corridor, Sniper camping at the back, demo spamming nades and stickies, and Secky Banky providing support. After all, if the rabbit gets close, Demo is the most melee-viable class in TF2. Demopan it, and retrieve your oh-so-needed stout shakos for two refined.
No. 180106
[X] The giant rabbit clearly poses a much larger threat here. While a single backstab might not be enough to drop it, the blow should still serve to weaken it for the rest of the team. This course of action will let the doctor escape for the moment, but the team will all be able to face her together when they catch up.
[X] Go to the corridor, Sniper camping at the back, demo spamming nades and stickies, and Secky Banky providing support. After all, if the rabbit gets close, Demo is the most melee-viable class in TF2. Demopan it, and retrieve your oh-so-needed stout shakos for two refined.
No. 180108
>>180104
Either way, Eirin will probably expect an attack on her.
But maybe Spy can woo her with his devilishly charming ways.
No. 180109
Well, for SDM, we would definitely need Spah to counter Sakuya, Sniper is the anti-remilia (He even has a vampire hunter outfit, and a wooden melee shiv as a stake, and comments on how people's heads are going to be a "Fine red mist"), and... Perhaps Medic? Or Engineer? We need the heals and ammo.
No. 180112
>>180109
Well, Demo is a Werewolf, so if he actually went wolf in Gensoukyou, there's that.
No. 180113
Actually, forget that, it's just a costume. But the team might want to bring Pyro.
No. 180114
Because, you know, Pyro is a devil or something with his Halloween transformation.
No. 180116
>>180114
Might as well bring Soldier, then. Robots can run on Gensokyoian (Gensokyan?) jobs just as well as American jobs, right?
No. 180117
[X] The giant rabbit clearly poses a much larger threat here. While a single backstab might not be enough to drop it, the blow should still serve to weaken it for the rest of the team. This course of action will let the doctor escape for the moment, but the team will all be able to face her together when they catch up.

[X] The rabbit seems to have trouble turning. Keeping the thing in an enclosed space like this and attacking its flanks should serve well enough. Also, with all the chemicals around, there's sure to be something nasty to throw at it.

Anon raises a good point about Eirin's intelligence. If the doctor isn't going to fight alongside her monster, it might be better to throw everything at the rabbit first and minimize the harm done to our guys. Then, she'll hopefully prove to be a lesser threat in a four-on-one fight.

Or, at the very least, her next trick will be less threatening than a giant bloodthirsty lagomorph.
No. 180147
>>180097

Remilia Scarlet is one of those odd cases where no one can pin down her nationality, considering her accent takes a roundabout journey through as many european nations it can stumble through. She'll get along swimmingly with Spy in that regard.

>>180112
>>180113
>>180114

While I appreciate your enthusiasm, perhaps take a few minutes in the future to plan your responses out and get it all in one post, instead of firing three off in succession like that.

>>180116

After convening an emergency meeting RE: linguistics, the general agreement was that Gensokyan rolls off the tongue more easily.

Anyway, the voting is CLOSED in favor of Spy accompanying the good doctor while the other mercs run away and fight the MUSCLE RABBIT in the corridors!
No. 180153
>>180147
We are NOT running away! We are retreating for strategic reasons!
No. 180278
Are you all asking for a section 8? Maggots, this is a good story.
No. 180280
>>180278
>name
>no sage
>completely irrelevant post that has nothing to do with anything
No. 180291
>>180153
No, that's not it; it's called "Charging towards the enemy by going the other way from them"!
No. 180292
>>180278
>>/Spacebattles/
oh wait
No. 180307
[TF2statsnerd]

WARNING: WARNING: HUGE INFO SESH, NO BLAME FOR TL;DR.

So... Demo is the primary damaging class with his stickies, everyone knows that in competitive tf2. He's also the most melee-viable.
Medic or Engineer are a must, they provide le heals. If Engineer sets up a T3 sentry gun, then that would be extremely good for the mercs. However, from what I've seen, Gunslinger mini-sentries are more viable. Medic, on the other hand, has the invaluable kritzkrieg or ubercharge, both game-changers. The other mediguns just don't shine as well when used in Gensokyo.
Sniper/Spy are support classes, they don't really shine as much as, say, a demo does when it comes to causing the most damages, unless they get their headshoots/backstabs. The Heavy can be out-damaged by a demo, and is just not as practical in a Touhou environment, as the touhous are trained to outsmart bullets. Sandvich and related are useless, as a good medic/engi can replace that, and using sandvich in combat is suicidal- you can't dodge bullets when remaining still. Soldier's ability to provide buffs is another game-changer, but his ability to do rocket jumps is kinda useless as the Touhous can all fly. Unless, that is, he uses the Direct Hit. The DH always minicrits on airshot, which would mean that EVERY HIT is a minicrit. That's a lot of damage. Enough to gib any weaker class in one hit, stronger ones in two, except the overhealed heavy.
Through pyro is good for DoT, his range is very short, unless using the flare gun and variants. This would allow touhous to simply kite him and kill, which is obviously bad. The pyro's airblast is the one good point: Airblasting ofuda, arrows (Yes, you can reflect huntsman arrows in TF2, it's true), perhaps even danmaku is a rather good thing to do. However, Pyro can only manage about 10 airblasts with his ammo, less if using the backburner, and none when using the Phlog. Thus, it is just impractical.
Scout is fast, and Bonk is useful, but he doesn't do the damages like a soldier or demo. Bonk is the game-changer that may just win things, though. Crit-a-cola is replaced by Medic's kritz or uber, and while the scattergun is rather harmless at long range, a point-blank shot is devastating.

So. In conclusion,
Demo for le damages and melees
Medic/Engineer for healing (Pref. Medic on fast-paced maps, Engi on defense-based/slower paced maps, more time to set up, etc.)
Scunt/Solly/Sniper for support (Pref. Soldier in most cases, as roamer/team variants are both powerful. However, when Vs. faster, more solo-ish bosses, Scunt, as Solly's rockets aren't hitscan, while Scunt's Scattergun is the most powerful hitscan wep behind Snipper/Heavy. Replace with Sniper on defensive or slow-paced maps.)

[/TF2statsnerd]
No. 180310
>>180307
It's covered in the FAQ but it's considered polite to not use a name in a thread you're not the writer for that story.

Thank you though, for trying to explain TF2 to the readers who don't play the game. All the terminology can get confusing for the uninitiated.

Unless I'm way off and you're actually OP and in that case, whoops
No. 180311
>>180278
>>180307
I sincerely hope you guys are either trolling or
ignorant. If it's the latter, please read the FAQ here for an overview of the board's culture: >>/gensokyo/6052/


>>180292
What does SB have to do with this?
No. 180312
*Long rant alert*
Although we all speak of the competitive scene of tf2, let's not forget of the jumpers. Pogo jump, air stickes, and all of the crazy bullsh*t they put out make flying around ain't as cool as it seems.
Also, almost all good competitive players are also decent jumper. B4nny is legendary not only because of his ability to make air-denies and twitch-shot all his pills and stickies down your throat: It's also because he can rollout to mid faster than anyone else. Faster than these scouts too.
And now, when our guns are all non-lethal and demoman can be(relatively) safe jumping around with 8 stickes, I see no reason that the fest these jumpers did can't be redo here, and it's also quite in-character for our favorite mercs too: Demo is drunk, Soldier is illlogical, and Pyro...well, he's just being herself.
Tl;Dr: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfT9_SJK1e8
No. 180313
>>180312
>he's just being herself
Wut.
No. 180314
>>180312
>he's just being himself
>he
wut
No. 180317
>>180314
>>180313
The signs of one who has never played TF2.
Anyway, remember that we are in Gensokyo. We have no idea how much health the Gensokyans have, Also, notice that we have Sexybanki on our side. While Solly and Demo can indeed do the damages, they aren't really diplomatic. At all.
Something I just realized is we could've just asked nicely.
Fuck.
No. 180319
>>180312
>>180317
Gee, it sure is summer in here. For your own benefit, you really should read the rules sticky in /gensokyo/ like >>180311 said.
No. 180324
Here. Have a spy. And a medic.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KcBQQTC-cxU
No. 180356
>>180317

Huh, maybe we can try that with the next flag.
No. 180361
>>180319
>>180317 here.
I'm sorry, what? I was on topic, didn't use any emoticons, wasn't namefagging, spelled everything right, and was gramatically correct. The only thing wrong with my post is how it doesn't run cohesively, which tends to happen when you're on a mobile device. And yes, I saged.
No. 180418
>>180307
>The DH always minicrits on airshot

No, the Direct Hit always minicrits on targets launched airborne by explosions. You're thinking of the Reserve Shooter.
No. 180421
>>180418

Different anon, but really? I could swear I remember doing mini-crits against people jumping.

Huh.
No. 180423
>>180421
Yup. Only works if they're explosive jumping, or if you knocked them into the air by shooting at their feet.

Now, the Reserve Shooter will minicrit everything in the air for 5 seconds after you switch to it, so it might be worth taking along.
No. 180424
Anyway, then bring both along. Can't hurt. Especially because it also is usable for Pyro, so 2 people with mini-crit shotties are deadly.
No. 180425
Well, TF2 fans... It's the time you've all been waiting for! THE NEW UPDATE HAS ARRIVED! WITH BREAD TOUHOU-BOSS MONSTERS! MOAR PICHUUNING!
http://www.teamfortress.com/loveandwar/
No. 180452
So I just watched Expiration Date, and I'm still giggling to myself. Valve should make more shorts like those.

Anyway, am I the only one who wants to see the Spy try and seduce Sakuya?
No. 180454
>>180452
I think it'd be more entertaining to watch Scout try and work his "magic."

Also, that video convinced me that we need to bring Soldier along on everything from now on, regardless of tactical reasoning.
No. 180467
>>180454
Agreed, Soldier is the best character, though diplomacy would be right out as an option
No. 180468
>>180467
Actually, while normally that would be true, the more insane people would actually be easier to negotiate with.
At least, until Soldier finds out that most of those people are technically Japanese. That probably won't go over well.
No. 180469
Well, since magic actually works in Gensokyo, Why don't they try teleporting bread? And not doing anything else for THREE DAYS? Oh, Secky Banky can participate too.
In all seriousness, the fact that they've dealt with magic before- and defeated a magician- makes them somewhat used to magic, so they wouldn't go all OMGWTFBBQ when seeing a barrage of magic, say, from Byakuren or Patchi.
Eirin = Christian Brutal Sniper x9001?
No. 180471
>>180469
Magic actually works in TF2 as well. Merasmus exists, remember, and is much, much older than Yukari.

Several 10 thousand years old, in fact.
No. 180472
>>180469
Also, sorry for the double post, but remember, the TF2 mercs are also magicians.
No. 180475
>>180471
>A Wizard for 10,000 years
Some one take that man to the Lotus Pavillion
No. 180478
Actually, he's only 6000 years old.
No. 180482
>>180472
They cast a few spells from some spellbooks. That doesn't make them wizards, just like following a recipe to bake cookies doesn't make you a chef.
Besides, it's pretty likely that Gensokyo's brand of magic is much different than the witchcraft mumbo jumbo the team has encountered thus far.
No. 180494
Well, the meteor strike spell looks like a basic form of danmaku. The Lightning ball can be compared to a very large danmaku bullet, something of the size of Okuu's suns. They can probably use danmaku proficiently.
No. 180504
>>180494
They could already use danmaku proficiently.
It's called their guns. They're still nonlethal, so it basically amounts to danmaku at hitscan speeds for the most part.
Oh god, now that's a scary thought.
No. 180505
Their guns don't kill teammates at all, they just pass through same team members like there's nothing. That should be an obvious sign that there's magic, or non-lethal danmaku involved.
No. 180511
>>180454

Trying to put the Scout with any woman other than Ms. Pauling is just wrong.
No. 180519
>>180307
>So... Demo is the primary damaging class with >his stickies, everyone knows that in >competitive tf2.

>a few days after, in the patch notes:
> All Demoman stickybombs now have damage >ramp up. Full damage is reached 2 seconds >after firing.

No competitive TF2 for you, it seems.
No. 180526
Demo IS indeed the primary damaging class. With stickies, he needs to either airburst them or set up traps, which aren't exactly viable with the speed and maneuverability of Touhous. A solly, on the other hand, having both the DH and Reserve shooters (specifically made for fighting against flying enemies) and with BASE jumper for new increased airtime, it's viable for anti-touhou.
No. 180528
>>180526
Also, the Airstrike fits as a Danmaku.
No. 180568
(For the sake of clarity, Spy will be referred to as Reisen as long as he is disguised, with gender-appropriate pronouns for his, or should I say, her thoughts. This will also apply to any disguises Spy assumes in the future.)
__________

Reisen shook her head; leaving the rest of the team to occupy the enemy was how the imposter usually operated, anyway. Decision made, she fell back alongside the doctor, leaving the rest of the mercs to deal with their extremely angry foe.

"Back, lads, back!" Sniper half screamed, the rabbit having charged clear through the table he'd been hiding behind and tearing after him down the aisle.

"Don't hafta tell us!" Demoman shouted back, spinning on a heel and fleeing the room.

Sniper may not have been the fastest of the mercs, especially since his job consisted of sitting around all day with his eye pressed to a scope, but the lanky man was still more than capable of jumping over the counter once again to avoid death by enraged lab-experiment. He landed in a roll, swiftly bringing himself back up and around to hose the creature down with SMG fire. His bullets had all the effect of a well-aimed gob of spit, which is to say they mainly served to piss it off.

"Go!" Sekibanki shrieked, unleashing a torrent of magic from her hands as she viciously denied the urge of self-preservation telling her to run for it, under the basis of 'if it eats him, then it'll be after me.' The rabbit reacted with predictable anger, smashing through what remained of the table in its desire to gnaw on bushman and youkai, sending papers scattering throughout the air. Sniper's magazine ran dry at the same instant, and he hurled himself aside, leaving the mutant to slam headfirst through the wall behind him.

"Not very smart, are ya?" he asked, already pushing himself up before Sekibanki grabbed his hand.

"Come on, come on!" she, perhaps unnecessarily, urged, pulling the bushman up and out the door.

-----

Doctor and imposter marched into an office of sorts, judging by the massive table with reams of neatly-organized paperwork flanked by a pair of towering filing cabinets. Eirin set the briefcase down atop it, then turned on her assistant, a long, delicate brow upraised. "Thanks? Thanks?"

Reisen froze mid-step, one foot hanging in thin air as she tried to figure out just where she had gone astray. "I'm... sorry?"

"Your dear master rescues you, and she doesn't even get called by her proper title." Eirin shook her head and sighed, like a schoolteacher who just walked in on her favorite student raiding her secret liquor stash. "You hurt me so badly sometimes, Reisen."

Reisen blinked, then nodded, eyes wide at her transgression. "Apologies, Master. The situation was rather... tense, as you could see."

"I'll bet it was." Eirin smiled. "Still, worry not, it's all under control."

"With a giant monster rabbit," Reisen said, injecting an appropriate amount of disapproval into her voice. "One that just wrecked your lab trying to kill those men."

Eirin waves her off. "Oh, hush, it's not like the mutation lasts forever. Give it an hour and we'll be fine."

Reisen strangled a grumble before it could wake up. "Say that fails? What are we going to do about the intruders?"

Eirin flashed teeth in cold amusement. "That, my dear, is where this comes in."

She went for the desk, ponytail swinging like a pendulum with every self-confident step. Reisen took a breath, considered whether it would blow her cover to follow, and decided the risk was worth it. She matched Eirin step for step as the doctor went over to the opposite end of the table, shoved the chair out of her way with her foot, and reached underneath the desk. Eirin flicked a switch, and the tabletop blurred alive, holographic imagery floating over the desk, camera feeds covering a majority of the building, semi-transparent buttons hovering for ease of use.

"Let's see how well they do in the dark, hm?" Eirin interlaced her fingers, stretched her arms out, and eight simultaneous cracks filled the air as cartilage popped.

Seeing the perfect chance to eliminate Eirin before she could make life difficult for the main team, Reisen produced the dagger from her shirt, brought it up for a killing blow, and plunged it down in a swift, deadly efficient motion.

Eirin smirked.

The doctor twisted aside, faster than a gunshot, more graceful than flowing water, and a stab aimed for her spinal column missed flesh by inches, the knife embedded into the table. She lashed out with an open-handed chop towards Reisen's throat, the traitor off-balance from the botched strike, but Reisen caught the blow with her free hand. The two locked glares, and Reisen's form shimmered into Spy's.

Eirin bared teeth, her smile too sharp and too white. "Well, isn't that an interesting little trick?"

The rogue nodded, cold eyes crinkling at the corners. "How did you know?"

"The way you walked, talked, how your eyes kept flicking around, and I could go on." Her eyes flicked down and up his body. "Mere suspicions, until you drew the knife, but ones I kept firmly in mind."

"This disguise was acquired in the spur of the moment," Spy admitted.

"Ah?" Eirin shrugged a lone shoulder. "I hope you continue to think so fast in the future, sir."

She kicked the floorboard, and all the lights and holograms cut out at once, leaving them in nothing but blackness. Spy pulled loose immediately, drawing the massive revolver (although cannon seems a more apt description) known as the Ambassador, and step by deliberate step he backpedaled towards the main door.

When the lights came back on scarcely ten seconds later, there was no briefcase, no doctor, and no camera station. There was, however, both a hole in the floor that lead deep into the earth, and an empty compartment in the wall behind the desk.

"Well played, madam," Spy murmured, the corner of his mouth quirked up in intrigued admiration.

-----

"Rabbits are a blight! A blight!" Sniper said, holding onto his hat as he ran side-by-side wih Sekibanki, his eyes agleam with a mad and unreasoning hatred. "Bloody whackjob doctors and their bloody whackjob experiments! Piss off!" He shouted that last part over his shoulder, his wild-eyed glare doing nothing to dissuade their rapidly-closing pursuer.

Sekibanki chanced a look back herself, and the sight spurred her on surely as though her skirt were aflame. "Hang right!" she said, as they approached an intersection.

The two pulled a hard turn, Sekibanki tugging Sniper close, as the creature leapt for them. Several hundred pounds of rage and muscle brushed past Sniper, before rabbit smashed into wall and wall stopped existing. As it tried to extricate itself from the hole, its prey spared not a look as they legged it.

The two hardly made it ten steps before Sekibanki's foot went straight through a floorboard, the whole section of wood giving way to reveal another spike pit, and she tumbled downward with a high-pitched shriek. Sniper, still holding her hand, yanked hard, pulling her back up before she had the chance of a lifetime to see what it was like being stuck on a bevy of pointy sticks.

"Don't stop!" he said, pulling the pale-faced woman along until she settled back into a run.

"This place is literally the worst," she breathlessly said.

"Demo!" Sniper yelled, his voice remarkably clear for a man who really ought to have been conserving his breath. "Demo, where are you?"

"Oi!" came the return shout from down the long stretch of hallway, so far away that the waving Demoman could fit between thumb and forefinger. "Over here, lads!"

"How did you even get that far?" Sekibanki shouted.

"Wasn't easy!"

"This place was not that big from the air," Sniper griped. "I'm filing a complaint with the- with whoever it is whose job is to look into things like that."

"Building inspectors?" Sekibanki asked.

"No, no, that's for places what actually make sense outside and in. This place only makes sense from out, y'get me?"

Sekibanki looked over her shoulder, squeaked, and returned her eyes to the man beside her. "Is- is now the best time?"

"We are probably going to die, so yes," Sniper replied, sparing a look back himself. "Aaaand it's gaining on us again!" He clapped Sekibanki on the shoulder. "Banki, we need a distraction! Do the thing!"

"Wh- agh, all right, all right, just keep moving!" Her head flew from her shoulders, and her body kept pace with Sniper while she turned to meet the rabbit. "Hey!" She darted low enough for it to reach her, and blew a raspberry. "What'choo lookin' at, fool?"

Operating purely on instinctual rage, the rabbit dug feet into the floorboards and came to a swift halt, snapping at the head as it did so. Sekibanki was quicker than it bargained for, however, especially when divested of the rest of her body, and she rocketed out of reach.

"Woosh!" she said, mockingly. "Maybe lay off the veggies, big guy! Cause you're fat!" It jumped up for her, but she flew aside and stuck her tongue out. "Nyeeeh!"

Bravado gave way to a yelp as it jumped up, snapping at her, but she flew aside once again, spittle landing on her face. "I think it's a bit late for a rabies shot, huh?" she asked, giving the rabbit an arch look.

"Banki!" Demoman shouted. "We're ready!"

She rocketed up to the ceiling, and only then risked a look back. Demoman had evidently met the group halfway, and they were all poised for action.

"Well, that was fast," she murmured. The rabbit jumped up for her again, but she swiftly darted out of the way and barreled towards the mercs. Grenades flew past as she grew close, while Sniper's bullets whistled past in rapid succession, the man slotting new rounds into his rifle before the brass of the old ones even hit the floor. Her body got into the action as well, blasting away with gusto, albeit in completely the opposite direction before Sniper grabbed it by the shoulder and aimed it the right way.

It was another handful of seconds before she reached them, the group parting to let her through. "Stickies!" she gasped, already settling back onto her body. "Where are the stickies?"

Demoman scowled. "I blew through the last of them breaking into the lab, mate!"

"Aaagh, just shoot!" Sekibanki said, following her own advice by spraying bullets out from open palms.

Marksman, demolition expert, and rokurokubi blasted away as one unit, a solid mass of bullets, grenades, and magic flying down the hall at their target. The deafening cracks of rifle fire repeatedly split the air, Sniper's rounds hurtling across the distance and smashing straight into the rabbit's head, alongside Demoman's crack shots with his grenades and Sekibanki's sheer volume of bullets.

It didn't so much as stumble in its charge.

"Oh, that's just not fair!" Sniper said, glaring at the creature as it shrugged off another explosion.

"Sweet mother of mercy!" Demoman said, eye wide, as he reloaded his launcher in a controlled panic. "What's it gonna take to drop that bloody thing?"

"More bullets!" Sniper snapped, already loading another into his rifle.

"It's not working it's not working it's not working!" Sekibanki stammered, glancing around for any way out.

And then they were out of time.

As the rabbit came within seconds of bowling them over, seemingly unscathed by the barrage it weathered, Sniper growled a curse beneath his breath. The man pushed to the front of the group, switching to his kukri. "Right, lads, I'm gonna have a go at him!"

Demoman sucked in a breath as he reached for more grenades, only to come up dry. He threw his weapon aside in favor of his pan, and raised it overhead. "HAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE AT EM!"

"I don't know why I'm going along with this!" Sekibanki said, clenched fists swirling with magic power. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

"That's the spirit!" Sniper said. He gripped the massive knife tightly in both hands. "Chaaaaarge!"

They ran as one to meet the enemy, Sniper leading the group. The bushman kept his heading until nearly the last second, before bodily hurling himself out of the rabbit's path, Demoman and Sekibanki following his lead. The monster snapped at Sniper's legs as it charged by, but its bulk was not suited towards managing swift turns. It dug into the floor, tearing wood apart as it came to a halt a solid ten feet away.

Sniper was the first to recover, landing in a roll and immediately rising to his feet. He charged the rabbit while it was still attempting to turn, and laid into it with a vicious overhead chop to the face, enough force behind the strike to split skulls.

Against most men, this would have been a killing blow.

The rabbit soaked it like grass does water.

Sniper wasted no breath in cursing as he backpedaled, the rabbit's teeth slicing air inches from his chest. With its attention on the jar man, Demoman's frying pan came in hard and fast, delivering vengeance on behalf of groundskeepers around the world with a blow hard enough to fracture skulls.

It took that one, too, without falling, although the Scot's blow rocked it back. The man dove aside in time for the third hit in their combo to be delivered, as Sekibanki's feet rammed straight into its head with all the force that could be brought behind a magically-charged missile dropkick, an explosion of red engulfing the two and launching the rabbit a dozen feet down the hall before it landed in a fuzzy heap.

"We got this, lads!" Demoman shouted, already pounding towards the enemy to finish it off, Sniper giving chase and Sekibanki pushing herself up from the floor. The Scot leapt on its back and began laying into it with wild swings before it could rise up, and even as it bucked and screamed and tried to dislodge him, Sniper barreled in with blade held high. He brought it down on the rabbit's flank, sinking the blade in deep. He only realized the error of his attack angle when the rabbit kicked back with both legs, catching him straight in the chest. Bones cracked, and Sniper flew through several walls with a muted, breathless scream.

Demoman and Sekibanki, meanwhile, were quickly learning why getting into close-quarters with a monster that had more muscle than both of their total weights combined may have been a bad choice. One solid buck launched Demoman after Sniper, leaving Sekibanki to skid to a halt just as she reached the beast, suddenly aware of how alone she was.

It looked very, very angry, as it turned on her.

It was also very, very wobbly.

Her eyes widened as she backed up, palms out and a smile she hoped was disarming, in the 'please don't literally disarm me' kind of way. "Easy, just- just take it-"

It lunged.

Sekibanki flung herself aside with a yelp of dismay, her swift reaction the only thing that saved massive jaws from closing around her head. However, that still left her cape in the way, and her escape was jerked to a choking stop as the rabbit clamped its teeth down on the cloth. Her attempts to pull away were entirely fruitless, and it was only a matter of seconds before the rabbit released the cape in favor of a meatier prize. She reached up, frantically worked the clasps around her neck, and tore free from the constricting garment before the rabbit could knock her down.

"Take it and go, y'jerk!" she shrieked, fleeing through the hole Sniper and Demoman had been tossed through, leaving the rabbit with a face full of cape to dislodge before it could give chase.

The girl stumbled rough the first hole, hopped over the next, and leapt through the third, gaining momentum with every room. The rabbit, of course, was not so easily lost, the creature smashing though wall after wall after wall, wood and furniture flying apart in its wake.

The last hole in line ended in another hallway running perpendicular to Sekibanki's path, a wall set to stop her dead. Having considered how easily the other walls had been broken, she squared her shoulder and slammed into the wall hard as she could. What she had forgotten to note, however, was that a massive hellbeast had been responsible for the last set she'd run through. As such, and to her great horror, she bounced off on impact, the sudden reversal of momentum sent her spinning to the floor.

Prone, and with her insatiable attacker a mere room away, one would be hard-pressed to fault Sekibanki for freezing up entirely in terror.

It was only then she noticed the men flanking the hole, weapons raised.

The rabbit smashed through the last wall, and the trap was sprung. Sniper and Demoman leapt at it from the sides, screaming murder as they brought their weapons down. Lacking much else in the way of options, Sekibanki joined her scream with theirs as she punched out, a red sphere flying fast and true from her fist. Knife and pan and magic bullet all struck at once, the combined force of their blows slamming the rabbit headfirst into the ground.

This time, it didn't get up.

Everyone present kept wary eyes on the limp rabbit until they were fairly certain it wasn't going to kill them the moment they looked away. Sniper sagged, clutching his cracked ribs, but his triumphant grin hardly abated. "Take that, you filthy mutant bastard!" he said, giving it a swift boot to the gut.

"That's a proper bloody domination!" Demoman concurred, pan held high as he gloried in their victory.

Sekibanki climbed upright, terror giving way to elation as she raised arms overhead. "Gimme five! Someone! Anyone!"

Both mercs gladly obliged her, and Sniper, in a fit of temporary insanity, swept the girl off her feet to plant a kiss on her lips, before propping her back upright.

"Do that again and I will punch you," she said, blushing tomato-red. After a moment, she giggled in relief, her ire forgotten. "I can't believe that actually worked!"

Sniper shrugged. "I thought I was a dead man, personally."

She squinted at him, leaning in close for effect. "That why you did it?"

Once again, a shrug. "You mean laying one on him, or on you? The answer is yes to both, by the way."

Demoman laid his arms on both their shoulders, the Scot still grinning. "It was a right thing, lads! Oh, the boys ain't gonna believe this one!"

"...We still need the briefcase," Sniper said, pulling free. "Let's save the real celebration for once we got that."

"Then let's go find us a doctor!" Sekibanki said, filled with the kind of good cheer that only comes from surviving when you were absolutely certain you were about to die.

And so, after she retrieved her cape and the mercs their weapons, the crew made their way to the office where this all started, their spirits bolstered immensely.
_____

Party Status!

Demoman: Lightly Wounded

Sniper: Severely Wounded

Sekibanki: Lightly Wounded

Spy: Healthy
_____

Upon reaching the office, they found:

[X] Nothing but a hole in the ground. (SPY GAVE CHASE)

[X] Spy fiddling with the computer while he waited for the group. (SUPER HACKER?)
_____

Sniper, meanwhile, is in dangerous condition...

[X] Sniper stays behind and guards the hole while everyone else chases Eirin. This means one less gun for taking her on, true, but he's safer up top.

[X] Sniper sticks with the group. Eirin won't be an easy fight, and the more people there to take her on, the better. It also prevents anyone from ambushing him, if there is anyone around still capable of doing so.
No. 180569
Whatever you do, dont let Sniper stay back- It's been some time since Kaguya was fighting Mokou. She is capable of beating him up should he stay alone. On the other hand, let him stay a bit back, behind the front lines of Secky Banky and Demopan. Sphee, on the other hand, can do what sphees do best- SAP EVERYTHING!
No. 180570
[x] Nothing but a hole in the ground. (SPY GAVE CHASE)
[x] Sniper stays behind and guards the hole while everyone else chases Eirin. This means one less gun for taking her on, true, but he's safer up top.
No. 180571
[X] Nothing but a hole in the ground. (SPY GAVE CHASE)

[X] Sniper stays behind and guards the hole while everyone else chases Eirin. This means one less gun for taking her on, true, but he's safer up top.


Because the idea of a duel between a gentleman and gentlelady amuses me, and Sniper is on his last legs.
No. 180572
[X] Spy fiddling with the computer while he waited for the group. (Checking the situation)

[X] Sniper stays behind and guards the hole while everyone else chases Eirin. This means one less gun for taking her on, true, but he's safer up top.
No. 180573
[X] Nothing but a hole in the ground. (SPY GAVE CHASE)
-[X] Sniper sticks with the group. Eirin won't be an easy fight, and the more people there to take her on, the better. It also prevents anyone from ambushing him, if there is anyone around still capable of doing so.

I'm pretty sure Tewi is still around. If Sniper's sitting around without cover, he's as good as dead. It's better for him to stick around and do what he can with the proper backup.
No. 180574
[X] Nothing but a hole in the ground. (SPY GAVE CHASE)

[X] Sniper stays behind and guards the hole while everyone else chases Eirin. This means one less gun for taking her on, true, but he's safer up top.
No. 180575
(X)Spy SAPS EVERYTHING!!! Because sentry go go down 'n up n' dammit gotta move that gear.
(X)Sniper follows. Leaving a sniper without actual support is like a 2fort team with 12 snipers. Ya don't win, ya just keep dying. That is, unless he has jarate/bushwacka combo or Huntsman.
No. 180580
[X] Spy fiddling with the computer while he waited for the group. (SUPER HACKER?)

[X] Sniper sticks with the group. Eirin won't be an easy fight, and the more people there to take her on, the better. It also prevents anyone from ambushing him, if there is anyone around still capable of doing so.
No. 180582
[X] Spy fiddling with the computer while he waited for the group. (SUPER HACKER?)

[X] Sniper sticks with the group. Eirin won't be an easy fight, and the more people there to take her on, the better. It also prevents anyone from ambushing him, if there is anyone around still capable of doing so.

I am certain Tewi wouldn't miss the chance to catch him alone, especially after the Jarate Incident.
No. 180583
[X] Spy fiddling with the computer while he waited for the group.

[X] Sniper sticks with the group. Eirin won't be an easy fight, and the more people there to take her on, the better. It also prevents anyone from ambushing him, if there is anyone around still capable of doing so.

Alright.
No. 180584
[X] Spy fiddling with the computer while he waited for the group. (SUPER HACKER?)

[X] Sniper casts Invokum Monoculus so that he can still help even though he's not with the group.

Since Invokum Monoculus is a thing.
No. 180588
[X] Nothing but a hole in the ground. (SPY GAVE CHASE)

[X] Sniper sticks with the group. Eirin won't be an easy fight, and the more people there to take her on, the better. It also prevents anyone from ambushing him, if there is anyone around still capable of doing so.

Can't let her get away!
No. 180598
>>180584

The problem with the mercs using spells is that they have no innate aptitude for magic and must have the spells stored in some manner of convenient magical book and/or magazine that they may or may not have had on them when they got gapped in. While it would be amusing as all get out, I believe that we'd need to look for ammo for that magical gun.

This ought to make any trip to the Magic Library Voile quite interesting as there are many books there that the mercs may be able to use to pick up and cast the sort of magic that they're actually familiar with, or stockpile it for the tougher fights up ahead.

[X] Spy fiddling with the computer while he waited for the group.

[X] Sniper sticks with the group. Eirin won't be an easy fight, and the more people there to take her on, the better. It also prevents anyone from ambushing him, if there is anyone around still capable of doing so.
No. 180601
[X] Spy fiddling with the computer while he waited for the group. (SUPER HACKER?)

[X] Sniper stays behind and guards the hole while everyone else chases Eirin. This means one less gun for taking her on, true, but he's safer up top.

More dangerous for sniper, but I really want a Sniper v Kaguya match
No. 180603
Well, snipes is badly wounded. Gotta take that into account. Really wouldn't be a fair fight unless Kaguya still hasn't fully regenerated from the fight against Mokou.

As for the magical energy stored in books... Imagine the hell they would unleash if they managed to take a hold of Alice's Grimoire. That would definitely be something I would like to see. Or perhaps have them teleport bread. For three days. Touhous vs Bread Monster? Or against any of the other halloween bosses, of course. Merasmus vs Patchi? Or HHHH vs Youmu? Or Monoculus against Satori? Meh, those would be rather interesting, with their huge amount of HP and all.
No. 180611
>>180603

I will be incredibly disappointed if we don't fight the Bread Monster for Halloween.
No. 180620
Perhaps... If they made the Bread Monster, but added yet another boss, that would be even better~ They are well known for releasing one boss per Halloween. Even though Skeleton King sucked.
No. 180638
>>180620

Well, to be fair the Skeleton King felt less like a boss and more like a miniboss overall. HHH had instant death attacks, every boss after that had HP bars, and all three bosses had distinct introductions that let you know they're there and that you're in trouble. Plus they all had distinct loot you got directly from them.

The loot from Helltower isn't gained from the Skeleton King, but from Hell. My take on it is that the teams themselves function as the 'boss' of the map, seeing as they're all slinging spells at one another while trying to complete an objective.
No. 180639
So... I guess if they'd been to the real Hell, then they wouldn't be as freaked should they go to Former Hell and the Underground in general. They've had the experience already :P
No. 180642
>>180639

Depends on how much SAXTON HALE sticks to the TF2 timeline, the first post implies that Yukari puled them from the gravel war (note that the 2 teams were fighting and no mention of any halloween stuff like a boss) in which case they haven't been to hell yet. In fact it could be the other way around in this story, the mercs not being surprised by hell because they saw in in gensokyo(they would be familiar with magic already because of Merasmus).

>:p

N00b detected, read this >>6052 and the rest of that thread.
No. 180644
Granted, the mercs really didn't act like it was much when they were teleported to Hell. It was more like they hated the dancing that went with it when they were teleported.

In addition, Spy gives Chase, while the rest of the mercs also push on. Keep pushing the cart!
No. 180645
The votes are CLOSED, everyone! Seems like Sniper'll stick with the party, and that Spy decided to see what information he could scavenge from the computer while he waited for the rest of the team.

That said, let's answer some questions! Seeing as there is only one post with questions what need answering, however, I'm afraid this is going to be a short Q&A session.

>>180642

The timeline for this whole incident is, bizarrely enough, both during the Gravel War and post Gravel War. The comics and the game operate on the same general rules, but at the same time, things are... off, as it were. The Comics and Movie mercs do not die at all, and anyone they kill tends to stay dead. Game mercs, on the other hand, die by the bucketload, only to come back from the grave and keep fighting over the same stretches of land in endless engagements.

The story operates on something of a mixture between the two extremes. The mercs are familiar with dying repeatedly, have experienced all Halloween events, are as generally competent as their film versions, have worked with the BLU team to fight Gray's robot army, and then go back to fighting the BLU's whenever there seems to be a lull in the robot murder business. It's not quite proper TF2 canon, but this is a non-profit venture anyway, so we're allowed more than a little leeway.
No. 180656
>>180639
>>180642

>N00b detected, read this >>/gensokyo/6052 and the rest of that thread.

Fixed that for you. You have to put the board name in when you're linking between different boards.
No. 180716
Oh man, I just thought of a great setup for the next target.

Bring Soldier, Engi, and Spy. After finding target building/location, have Engi build a pair of teleporters near the target. Soldier will then acquire and teleport bread for however long it takes to make a giant bread monster (3 days, probably), at which point they will lure it into the target area. During the ensuing chaos, Spy will cloak and/or disguise his way in, grab the briefcase, and leave.

It's brilliant because of the fact that so much can go so wrong, but it can still work perfectly.
No. 181117
The mercs stormed Eirin's office to find Spy seated at the desk, tapping away at the holographic keyboard. He gave them a nod of greeting. "Gentlemen! I trust you dealt with the-"

"Horrible mutant?" Sniper said.

"Terrifying abomination of science?" Sekibanki added.

Demoman raised a hand, his mouth hanging open. "... Actually, I got nuthin, so let's just go with what they said."

Spy nodded. "Giant lagomorph was what I was actually going to say, but yes." He gestured for the group to approach, and when they did, he leaned back in his chair. "Tell me, what do you see?"

Sekibanki squinted exaggeratedly at the displays. "Empty rooms, empty hallways, loads of angry rabbits wearing... helmets? Those two women who keep beating each other up and are on fire, those other two rabbit ladies what nearly got us, and isn't the one who shot me supposed to be invisible, by the way?"

"A body only stays cloaked so long, I am afraid," Spy said. "Anyway, we now have camera surveillance. And, while most systems are protected by encryption I do not have time to break..." Spy raised a finger, then brought it down on a specific key. A number of new keys appeared, marked with symbols of sentry guns and spikes and other, more indecipherable symbols. He ran his finger across the whole row, and the lights on the keys dimmed out. "I now have access to the trap network! We need not fear any more of those abominable tricks up here. Sadly, I am unable to access anything below-ground, presumably because it is the doctor's bolt-hole."

"Speakin' of the doc, where is she?" Sniper asked.

"She caught on before I could eliminate her," Spy said, dismissively waving towards the gaping hole in the floor. "Instead of chasing her alone into terrain undoubtably filled with more booby-traps, I decided it would be prudent to await reinforcements."

"Not sure how much luck you're gonna have with that, mate," Demoman said, folding his arms. "I'm dry on all my nades."

"I'm going through bullets faster than a day back at Teufort," Sniper agreed.

Sekibanki snapped her fingers, looking proud of herself as a crimson bullet flew up from them. "Oi, don't forget I still got plenty of mojo left, guys."

"Amazingly enough, stabbing my way through this debacle was good for husbanding my rounds," Spy said, giving the other mercs a smug little smile. He stood up and made his way to the hole. "Well, it seems like offensive duties fall on me and the lady."

"I'll be right behind you!" Sekibanki cheerfully said. "That suit can stop arrows, right?"

"It is well-tailored, but, alas, unarmored." Spy pulled the Ambassador from his suit, letting the handcannon dangle in a loose grip as he gave Sekibanki a roguish grin. "Worry not! I am more than able to dodge anything sent our way."

"In cramped tunnels where I will be directly behind you," Sekibanki noted.

Spy rolled his eyes. "Oh, just do the head thing and you will be fine." He turned to his teammates. "What of you two? I hardly imagine confined tunnels would be appropriate for your fields of expertise."

"I ain't stickin' around here alone," Sniper said, casting a wary glance over his shoulder. "Who knows what else might be around here? So, if anything sticks its head out and tries to eat you, I'll send a round down its throat."

"Failing that, I'll give it a taste of me good ol' skillet, eh?" Demoman said, raising his bludgeon overhead.

Sekibanki favored the Scot with a bland look, and slowly clapped a hand on Spy's shoulder. "Maybe let the people with actual ranged power handle things, yeah?"

Spy watched the display with only a little twitch of his lips to show his amusement. "Well, if you're all so inclined to join me, then"-he jumped into the hole-"let us move!"

"Ladies first," Sniper said, standing aside for Sekibanki.

"Too kind!" Sekibanki said, hopping down after Spy.

Sniper jumped after her, landing after a ten-foot drop to find himself in an earthen corridor stretching ahead for the forseeable distance, dimly lit by lanterns mounted on the walls roughly every thirty feet. He tucked his sunglasses away in a jacket pocket, readied his rifle, and squinted down the way. "Hasn't the bint heard of proper lighting?"

Demoman landed a moment later, and with him to guard the rear they began moving in earnest. "Now, this'd be a good place for Pyro if ever there was one," he said.

"Who's he?" Sekibanki asked.

Spy grimaced. "None of us have ever seen the face behind the mask, but his enthusiasm for setting our enemies on fire is unquestionable." He shook his head. "Of course, they're not the only ones he does that to, if we leave him unoccupied too long."

"But he has a flamethrower, so, eh," Sniper finished, not bothered about Pyro purely because the paths of a precision eliminator and a flame-spewing maniac crossed incredibly rarely on the battlefield. "Bloke makes it easy enough for me to line up shots, I'll give 'm that. Nothin' like someone being all 'Oh, God, I'm on fire, somebody help me, aaaaaah,' to make 'em an easy target."

"You're remarkably cavalier about people burning to death," Sekibanki said, glancing back.

Sniper grunted. "Way I see it, I'm doing the poor bastards a favor."

"Gentlemen, hold," Spy said, raising a clenched fist. The rogue had come to a halt as the tunnel split off three ways ahead. He motioned towards the floor, several sets of footprints going down each corridor. "The problem with an escape tunnel such as this is that you leave a trail."

Sniper knelt to take a closer look, frowning as he did. After a moment's study, he rubbed his chin. "Middle way, lads."

"How do you figure?" Sekibanki asked, looking at the same tracks and not finding much of use.

"The other tracks are older, likely made in preparation for a problem like us knocking." Sniper ran his fingers over a particular set of prints. "But see, these ones ain't only fresh; the right footprint is deeper than its partner. If she's shifting weight to account for the briefcase, that's our mark. Means she hasn't stashed the case yet, either, though I don't see where she could have put it if she even wanted to."

Demoman shrugged, finding the whole thing self-evident. "Of course she still has the bloody thing. Where else she gonna put it, up her arse?"

"That'd be a hell of a thing to see," Sniper admitted, rising up.

"Sekibanki, you still have that map, I hope?" Spy asked, resuming his advance down the straightaway.

"Aye aye, sir," Sekibanki said, following him step for step as she retrieved the parchment from her dress, smoothed out the crumples from hastily shoving it away earlier, and squinted to account for the poor lighting. "Yanno, I'm starting to wonder where you really got this."

"Well, it was from a magic bookstore, remember?"

Sekibanki scowled at the masked man. "How would you know that? You crashed through the ceiling!"

Spy shot a grin back at her. "Educated guess."

Sekibanki stared at him. "I'll bet it was."

"Eyes forward, lads," Sniper hissed. "Quit yer yammerin' before you step on a landmine or summat."

Spy produced his pocket-watch, and held it ready to prime at a moment's notice. "I could walk through a minefield with this and be unscathed, bushman. You worry too much."

The very next step he took sounded off a click.

Spy looked down, his expensive shoe planted firmly upon a mound of dirt with the slightest of metal peeking out. "...Merde. Everyone, back, this will be messy."

"So how's that 'you worry too much' sound now, eh?" Sekibanki asked, smiling nervously as she backed away from the trapped Frenchman.

"Bloody told you," Sniper added, following Sekibanki's lead.

"Oi, I'll handle this!" Demoman said, pushing his way past the retreating cowards.

Spy held up a hand. "No, Demo, go with them and wait around the corner. I will deal with the problem."

Demoman stopped, and gestured vaguely at the mine. "Mate, all I gotta do is-"

"I have an idea," Spy continued, ignoring the Scot's words. "Move only when you hear my signal."

"What signal?" Demoman asked, giving Spy an exasperated look.

"Everything exploding, what else?" Spy idly swung his watch around. "Now go. We waste time every moment that passes."

Demoman scowled, but flung his arms up in defeat and began walking away. "It's on yer head, frenchie."

Once the Scot was out of hearing distance, Spy muttered a curse beneath his breath, and braced himself for imminent pain.

The others hid around the corner, covering their heads.

There was an explosion, a scream, and then dozens upon dozens of further blasts from the passageway they had vacated, explosions ringing out further and further away with every passing second. Once a solid half minute had passed, they investigated. The whole corridor had craters on every imaginable surface, chunks of earth gouged out by the blasts. What remained of Spy's body could charitably be referred to as giblets, arms and legs and organs splattered everywhere.

"Ew," Sekibanki said, blanching.

Spy cleared his throat from behind them, prompting Sekibanki to yelp and spin around, while the other mercs turned smoothly to greet the shifty man. Spy dusted himself off, looking only slightly worse for wear. "Well, that takes care of the minefield."

"Don't do that!" Sekibanki said, hands planted on her hips as she scowled at him. "Spooked me, y'jerk."

"I coulda just disarmed the bloody thing, you know," Demoman said, thoroughly unimpressed.

Spy merely grinned. "Ah, but now we have a clear path, my friend. Sekibanki! The map?"

She blinked. "Oh? Oh! Right, uh..." She held the map close to her face. "Huh, that's weird, it only mapped out the parts we've already been through down here, which isn't much. Not like upstairs at all, everything was clear up there."

"Bloody inconsistent thing, innit?" Sniper grumbled.

Sekibanki successfully fought down the urge to tell Sniper to stuff it. "Briefcase is marked in the fog of war, as it were, and isn't moving. Not too far ahead, though, if I'm reading it right."

"Well, I've cleared the worst of the doctor's traps," Spy said, gesturing down the warzone of a corridor. "Let us press on, everyone!"

At his command they advanced, pressing down the hallway and rounding corners with due caution for a rough two minutes until the monotony of endless dirt corridors was broken up by a hole at the end of the tunnel.

"Only one deathtrap before we find the intel?" Demoman wondered. "This is easier than I thought it'd be."

"Whaddaya mean?" Sekibanki asked quietly.

"Well, if I was designing an escape tunnel like this for my mansion, there wouldn't just be the one set of bombs that all go off at once." He shook his head. "Waste of a good location, I tell you."

Sekibanki pulled the map out again. "Well, it's right in here," she whispered. "Let's just get it and get out before we all die from some unseen and astoundingly nasty deathtrap."

Spy adjusted his tie, determined to go into battle sharp-looking as possible. "As the only man in good condition, I shall take point. Luck to me, everyone."

He stepped through the hole.

An arrow went straight through his head, carrying his body back with enough force to throw it a solid twenty feet.

"Move it!" Demoman shouted, charging in with pan held high. Sniper ran in after him, and Sekibanki followed the two against her better judgement.

The chamber where Eirin made her stand was a large one, deep enough to fit everyone present even if they stacked up on each other's shoulders. There were plenty of conveniently-placed waist-slash-man-sized walls, one of which the doctor herself stood next to, the briefcase at the far end of the chamber behind her.

Eirin herself had donned a tactical vest during her escape, and waited for the mercs with bow in hand; both a quiver full of arrows and a sawn-off shotgun were slung over her back, with shotgun shells lining the vest's front pouches. More immediately concerning for the mercenaries was how she already had another arrow nocked and ready to fire, and only the three of them diving for separate pieces of cover was enough to save the three from an impromptu skewering.

"I bid you welcome, gentlemen!" Eirin called, dry amusement in her voice. "Now that we are a sufficient distance from the building proper, we need not worry about collateral damage. Come at me!"

"No one cares about your reasons!" Sekibanki shouted back. "Just give us the briefcase and we'll go!"

"Why do you even have cover in spots your enemies come in from?" Sniper asked, rifle in hand as he peeked over cover to take aim at the doctor's head. "This whole place would be a killing field if we didn't have these things to hide behind."

"I actually use this place for combat practice," Eirin explained, launching another arrow Sniper's way before he could guarantee a killshot; a quick duck on his part saved his head from being struck through, but his hat was not so lucky, speared on the arrow and stuck into the wall behind him. "Haven't lost here yet!"

Sniper ran a hand over his hair, feeling a mix of relief that he wasn't dead and outrage at his hat being so callously damaged.

Spy's obnoxiously loud decloak announced his survival as the man reappeared flanking Eirin. The doctor was already repositioning to account for the new threat by the time he rematerialized, but he juked aside from a hastily-fired arrow and responded with a single, deadly accurate shot from his revolver, the boom echoing throughout the chamber.

The round caught Eirin straight in the face, rocking her head back so far her chin faced the ceiling. She stumbled back and toppled over a waist-high wall, falling out of sight with an audible thump.

"So much for do no harm, madam!" Spy said, his gleefully triumphant tone entirely at odds with his earlier debonaire behavior. He wiped a small amount of blood from his forehead where he had been shot; the Dead Ringer minimized damage, but did not prevent it entirely.

Unfortunately for the mercs, Eirin was made of hardier stuff than most would expect, and the lunarian doctor dispelled her dizziness with several rough shakes of her head. She pulled herself up, pressing against the earthen protrusion for concealment, and touched a hand to her head. Narrow eyes widened fractionally as her fingers came back bloodless. "Oh, my. Gentlemen, a moment!"

"What?" Demoman shouted at her, content to stay hidden at the opposite end of the room as long as he lacked ammo. Sniper, taking cover behind another wall near him, leaned out with his rifle aimed at her last known location.

"I really must apologize over my initial reaction!" The doctor emerged from behind her cover with her bow slung over her shoulder. In its stead, the shotgun dangled loosely in her hand. "Had I known you were operating under non-lethal rules, I would have responded in kind."

She twisted aside as Sniper fired, effortlessly avoiding a shot that would have taken her head off, and flicked the shotgun up his way even as he slotted in another round.

"Consider yourselves fortunate I'm now paring my retaliation down accordingly."

The shotgun flashed with light as Danmaku rules came into effect, and it spit fire twice in rapid succession, first at Sniper, then at Spy. The ensuing blasts roared throughout the chamber, the first round gouging a hole through the unfortunate wall Sniper ducked behind and smashing the man flat with an agonized scream. The second shell blew a huge chunk out of the earth behind Spy, the rogue having wisely decided to dive aside instead of testing his luck.

"That's not paring it down!" Sekibanki shrieked, huddling down with her hands over her head. "That's not paring it down at all!"

"Oh, don't be such a whiner," Eirin said, lowering her shotgun and breaking the chamber open, spent shells automatically ejected. She nimbly retrieved a pair of shells from her vest pockets, loaded them into the gun, then flicked it up, the motion shutting the chamber on its own. The entire process took her hardly a second. "This literally cannot kill you."

"Crikey, but it stings!" Sniper said, panickedly dragging himself along the floor to another wall for concealment.

"Excruciatingly so," Eirin agreed, adjusting her aim towards the wounded man before he could reach cover. Sekibanki popped over her wall, hand outstretched, and fired a stream of red bullets towards Eirin, forcing her to spin aside or be blasted. The move bought Sniper enough time to crawl to safety, and Spy and Demoman time to maneuver for a better angle on Eirin.

Eirin levelled her shotgun on the redhead. Sekibanki squeaked and flung herself down, but Eirin simply lead the target for a moment before firing, the blast tearing through Sekibanki's wall and smashing into the floor. The rokurokubi was faster than Eirin had bargained for, however, having rolled aside just before Eirin fired. Even so, Sekibanki made a terrified little noise at the gaping hole in her cover, having narrowly avoided the round responsible by inches.

Spy leaned out of cover, several loud blasts of revolver fire sending Eirin backpedaling, the doctor smoothly darting past a wall and using it for a moment of respite. She reloaded in an orderly manner, unperturbed by the rounds threatening to take her head off.

"You'll all have to do much better than that!" she said, calmly self-assured.
_____

Party Status!

Demoman: Lightly Wounded

Sniper: Severely Wounded (Lethal Damage), Wounded (Stun Damage)

Sekibanki: Lightly Wounded

Spy: Lightly Wounded
_____

BOSS FIGHT: Eirin Yagokoro
_____

[X] Keep the firefight going! Spy is the only one with a full supply of ammo, but even so, the doc can only have so many bullets. Wear her down, and strike only when the time is right.

[X] Charge! Two shells before a reload means there's no way Eirin can shoot everybody if they attack at once. The downside is that, unfortunately, someone is almost definitely going down.

[X] Sniper and Spy working in tandem should be able to cover for each other's reload times, keeping Eirin suppressed while Sekibanki and Demoman move to ambush.

[X] Get the briefcase and run! Sekibanki's the lightest on her feet of the whole crew, and she'll make a perfect carrier for it.

[X] Write-in.
No. 181119
[X] Sniper and Spy working in tandem should be able to cover for each other's reload times, keeping Eirin suppressed while Sekibanki and Demoman move to...
-[X] Get the briefcase and run! Sekibanki's the lightest on her feet of the whole crew, and she'll make a perfect carrier for it.
No. 181120
[X] Get the briefcase and run! Sekibanki's the lightest on her feet of the whole crew, and she'll make a perfect carrier for it.
No. 181122
>>181117
How do we swap out mercs by the way?
No. 181123
>>181122

Every time the party captures a briefcase/flag/whatever gobbledegook Yukari specified as an objective, they get a chance to resupply, heal, and swap party members. Capturing the flag, however, entails hoofing it back to the village, which will become rapidly more difficult as time passes and their notoriety rises.

However, if certain special conditions are met during the mercs' operations, there may be bonuses granted to the team to help in later expeditions.
No. 181124
[x] Charge! Two shells before a reload means there's no way Eirin can shoot everybody if they attack at once. The downside is that, unfortunately, someone is almost definitely going down.
-[x] Demo in front, followed by Sniper, then Spy and Sekibanki.

Charging in is the way to go; Eirin's no longer using lethal attacks so anyone who's downed can be brought back once Eirin is dispatched and the case is retrieved. The order of people charging is organized from least to most ammunition remaining.
No. 181125
[X] Sniper and Spy working in tandem should be able to cover for each other's reload times, keeping Eirin suppressed while Sekibanki and Demoman move to ambush.


The best bet out of the options, in my opinion.
No. 181126
You know, just saying, the TF2 mercs reload their guns by literally turning random metal into ammo. Like, in game, you pick up discarded weapons and scrap metal from buildings and it magically turns into the correct ammo, whether it be minigun rounds or flamethrower fuel.

We're in a lab full of scientific metal machines.

We have mercs that are out of ammo.

Metal is just a hands reach away.

Grab some random shit and shove it into the grenade and sticky launcher and we're good.
No. 181129
why does eirin have the force-a-nature
No. 181137
[X] Sniper and Spy working in tandem should be able to cover for each other's reload times, keeping Eirin suppressed while Sekibanki and Demoman move to ambush.
[X] Get the briefcase and run! Sekibanki's the lightest on her feet of the whole crew, and she'll make a perfect carrier for it.
No. 181138
[X] Sniper and Spy working in tandem should be able to cover for each other's reload times, keeping Eirin suppressed while Sekibanki and Demoman move to ambush.
coverrrrr
No. 181139
[X] Sniper and Spy working in tandem should be able to cover for each other's reload times, keeping Eirin suppressed while Sekibanki and Demoman move to ambush.

Man, I can't wait to see how this goes wrong.

These campaigns are pretty long. I wouldn't mind the next one being shorter.
No. 181140
Become the immortal demopan. Offer Eirin a stout shako for two refined, or offer to give her a hat for the briefcase. If she declines, use the legendary pan of trade_plaza to make her think otherwise.
No. 181146
...Ok, next time we tell the boss that we're operating under non-lethal rules.
No. 181151
>>181146

Unless we initiate a spellcard duel, there's nothing stopping them from killing the mercs. There's no reason for them to acquiesce to use non-lethal force on people breaking and entering into their homes for the sole purpose of stealing things.
No. 181153
>>181126
sounds like the thing to do, unless of course SAXTON HALE say it doesn't work that way here
No. 181164
>>181151
Silly question, do the Mercs even know about spellcard rules? Baki will but unless something comes up that would cause them to ask I don't think she'll think about telling them unless they ask (which they won't, as they have no idea what to ask about).
No. 181166
>>181164

Well...I'm honestly not sure if their know about spellcard rules or not, seeing as Anon can't remember what happened more than two updates ago. However, A quick Ctrl + f "spellcard" leads me to believe that they don't.

Hopefully Seckybanky, in her infinite wisdom, will deign to inform the mercs about it. They don't have spellcards or anything, but they can probably buy a few seconds of non-lethal combat by initiating a duel, and then immediately losing.

The only problem with that is whomever lost would be forced to agree to the winners demands.
No. 181170
>>181166

I'd imagine that we could initiate a soku style full-action duel, which doesn't require the use of cards: just non-lethal attacks. There are also opponents in the shooters who don't declare cards and still put up a fight such as the extra stage death fairies so we won't need to deliberately lose a duel.
No. 181172
>>181170
I thought this was updated
Saging is not difficult
Go fall ass first onto the world's tallest cactus
No. 181196
>>181172

At least they did try to. You have to give credit where credit is due. Besides, at least they aren't necroing or anything. Not to mention that it's only been 4 days since the update. So he slipped up. Big deal. You don't have to so thoroughly tell him off, you know.
No. 181200
>>181170
If you're confused about where to type "sage", you type it in the email box.
No. 181201
Hello again, readers! This post may be saged, but I still wish to let everyone know that votes are CALLED in favor of Sniper and Spy providing suppressing fire for the others to get in close.

>>181126
>>181153

It's a closely-held secret to my heart on how the mercs can restock ammo by breaking metal apart and shoving it into their guns, but they can, and they take full advantage of it.

If anyone here attempts to learn how it actually works, I will be obligated to track you down and break your spine.

>>181129

Eirin is a highly-trained super genius from a moon full of supremely advanced technology. The fact that she is skilled with firearms is but one perk of that past.

If you meant for where she got this equipment in the first place, remember the hole she left behind her computer desk after she fled from Spy. One should always have a backup shotgun and tactical armor, because you never know when a group of madcap mercenaries will bust in and try to shoot you.
No. 181214
Well, we know who to bring to metal-scarce places.
"Need a dispenser here!"
"Pootis Spencer HERE!"
"We need a dispenser right here."
"Ze dispenser goes here!"
"Deploy a dispenser HERE."
"Mmmph mmph mmmph mmmph!"
No. 181215
>>181201
Will Saxton Hale show up at some point?
No. 181226
>>181201
...Is it nano-

*CRACK*
No. 181245
>“Geddoff, fatso!” said a distinctly Australian voice.

What kind of red blood Australian male would say that instead of "geddoff you fat cunt"?
No. 181414
I am going to try implementing music for specific events! For those of you interested, let the following song in the spoiler play until hostilities cease. Listening to these is not mandatory! If you wish to read in silence or with your own music playing, feel free to ignore the suggested tracks.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1Nmc84Noos - Live A Live: Megalomania
_____

Spy, having taken care to flank when he entered the battle, was well-placed to be both hidden from Eirin yet visible to the rest of his group. And, as she spun out of cover, shotgun aimed at his rough location, he realized he was also the only one with a proper view of the situation, everyone else varying levels of suppressed by the good doctor's massive gun. Nothing was going to get done as long as she was able to control the field like this, but in the end, he had a team on his side, and she was alone.

"Sniper!" he called as he darted out of hiding, gun outstretched as he strafed towards a more appealing piece of cover. "Suppressing fire!"

His revolver and Eirin's shotgun sounded nigh-indistinguishable as their rounds tore through the room, bullets flying past each other with inches to spare; the barest fragment of a pellet tore at the side of his mask, baring a thin layer of stubble, while one of his return shots caught Eirin's ponytail at the middle and went straight through, whipping it back and leaving a sizable hole.

Sniper had recovered enough by this point to haul himself up to his knees, and he braced his rifle on a waist-high wall undoubtably nervous about its life-expectancy with him behind it. Eirin and Spy finished exchanging shots, both of them returning to cover for a brief reload, and Sniper scoped in on Eirin's position. "Lads!" he said, glancing towards the cowering Demoman and Sekibanki. "Move up! We'll keep her pinned!"

Demoman waved at Sekibanki, who was perfectly content with her current position huddling behind another tiny wall, and entirely unwilling to chance leaving it even when such a glorious chance to experience Eirin's shotgun surgery presented itself. Demoman, however, was too impaired to fear such things as mere pain, and as such he found the idea of charging the business end of a massive shotgun more appealing than any sane, sober person.

"Banki, come on!" he said, repeatedly gesturing towards himself.

"Shaddup!" she replied, violently shaking her head. "Shaddup! Don't tell her I'm here!"

Eirin was taking stock of her situation while the two bickered, and she came to the conclusion that attacking the three who were apparently limited in ammo seemed a much better proposition than continually trading fire with the slippery pistolero, especially when any one of his shots could find her head once again. The first she took was enough to disorient her severely, and she wasn't entirely certain she could withstand another.

She doffed her cap, tensed, then flung it towards the right. Sniper reflexively tracked it for the merest half-second, and had already realized his mistake when Eirin dashed out from the left, shotgun aimed his way. He flung himself aside rather than chance taking another of the hellishly painful blasts to the chest, but no rounds came for him; Eirin had been satisfied merely suppressing him with the threat of attack. He swiftly rose, muttering a curse, and scoped in on Eirin as she continued sprinting. The moment before he pulled the trigger, she dropped into a slide any baseball player could be proud of, kicking up dirt as she slid behind cover. Soon as she came to rest, she scrambled upright and vaulted over the wall as Sniper slotted another round, the doctor well aware that letting the mercs zero in on her position would be a fatal mistake.

Spy, seeing her attention off him, risked leaving concealment and ran directly for her, his handcannon kicking back hard with every pull of the trigger. Yet, even as bullets blew holes all around Eirin as she blitzed towards Sniper, her face was the encyclopedic definition of calm. She flung herself down hard behind the latest wall in her path, the obstruction angled perfectly to hide her from everyone.

"I said suppress!" Spy shouted, his ire growing as he poured fire onto Eirin's position, carefully spacing his shots out.

Sniper scowled fiercely as he glanced at his nearby teammates, currently engaging in the time-honored pursuit of heatedly debating each other's parentage. "Demo, catch!" he shouted, pulling his SMG out and flinging it at them; Demoman's lack of depth-perception chose now to strike, in addition to the weapon itself slapping him across the face. While it had been admittedly unintentional, Sniper couldn't help but cackle as he scoped back in on Eirin, satisfied that vengeance for the pan he took to the face had finally been delivered.

As Demoman clutched at his face, Sekibanki scooped the weapon up and got a tentative grip on it. Her face lit up as she hefted the weapon. "Why did you give us this?" she shouted over the gunfire.

"You need it more than I do!" Sniper replied, his rifle spitting another round Eirin's way. "Now move up, you stupid buggers!"

"Right! Let's clobber 'er good!" Demoman yelled, before charging ahead with all the care one would expect from a drunk, pan-wielding cyclops. Balancing the risk of being shot versus the risk of having no one else around to be shot for her if she let him rush off on his own and get blasted, Sekibanki grumbled wordlessly as she gave chase.

Eirin hunched down, back against the wall as she counted Spy and Sniper's gunshots. Their fire was slow yet rhythmic, countless hours of battlefield experience ensuring they covered each other with ease. The two expertly compensated for each other's downtimes, leaving her with a terribly small window of opportunity to move. She grimaced as she took stock of her options.

"Oh, what the hell," she murmured.

She spun out of cover immediately after Sniper's latest shot, shotgun at ready, and unloaded a barrel his way; the shot merely clipped him instead of scoring a full hit, but it still sent him spinning to the ground once again. She swiveled towards Spy, his bullets flying fast and true, and, even as she jerked back from a pair of rounds striking her in the chest and shoulder, she fired. The shot took him full in the belly, lifting him off the ground and through the air until his charge was arrested by a wall. He slumped down, the fight taken out of him.

And then the others were on her.

Demoman leapt for the doctor, pan held high, gleaming teeth contrasting against dark skin. Eirin swung to face him and took one precise step back, her free hand flying back to her quiver, and she smoothly withdrew an arrow that flashed brightly the moment her hand closed around it. A sidestep carried Demoman past her, and she jammed the arrow directly into the Scot's remaining eyeball before just as swiftly jerking it loose.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAGH," he screamed, tripping over his own feet and rolling across the floor. He had been in too many fights to stay down for long, however, and he came back up swinging blindly all around him. "WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME EYES? AAAAAA-"

Eirin silenced him with a careless swing of her shotgun, smashing him across the face with the barrel. As he dropped, Sekibanki's headless body charged in, spraying SMG rounds in Eirin's general direction and accomplishing damned little but making Eirin jump as the inaccurate fire whistled past. Sekibanki's head, meanwhile, was flying in from behind Eirin, keeping close to the ground. The doctor was about to retreat when the head reached her, and she loosed a surprised shriek as youkai jaws clamped onto her calf.

"OM NOM NOM!" Sekibanki growled out between every bite, working up Eirin's leg with each successive chomp. When her SMG ran out of rounds, the body threw the weapon at Eirin and missed spectacularly.

"Off me, get off!" Eirin yelped, hopping back on one foot and wildly kicking the other; Sekibanki's teeth proved well up to the task of holding on as she chewed away, despite Eirin's vigorous protests. Her assault progressed admirably up to the point Eirin remembered she had a sharp object in hand, and then the doctor stabbed her through one ear and out the other. She immediately wrenched the arrow back out, completing the brutally efficient motion.

"M-muh brain," Sekibanki moaned, her voice thick and slurred as head and body both fell limp.

Eirin, eyes ablaze with battle-rage, cast her eyes about for her last target.

The barest moment too late, she realized her error.

While she had managed to take out everyone who had closed in with her, they had kept her mostly stationary; if there was one thing a self-respecting Sniper could not abide, it was a motionless target with its head intact.

The report of a rifle split the air.

The round smashed into her forehead, bounced around inside her skull, and tore out through the back of her head. Her eyes crossed as she stiffened up and, after several seconds of paralyzed agony, tipped over.

The last man standing hocked a gob of spit onto the floor. "Thanks for standing still, wanker," Sniper growled.

-----

Five minutes later, the mercs had recovered enough to the point they could all stand without immediately tipping over. Spy dusted his suit off, his posture crooked as he still felt the side-effects of that shotgun blast. Sniper's gait could charitably be called gimpy as he retrieved his hat. Demoman and Sekibanki were clinging to each other like matching bouys in a hurricane, feeling the worst of everyone present.

It was fortunate for everyone involved that Eirin had decided to tone her attack down, else they would likely be dead instead of merely wishing they were. The Scot's eye was perfectly intact, thanks to whatever magic Eirin had used to dampen her weaponry's lethality, but he still kept it screwed tightly shut because getting stabbed in the eye was incredibly painful.

They all made their way to Eirin's body, staring down at the defeated doctor. Her eyes were crossed and glazed over, and a sizable welt on her forehead was the only sign of what had hit her. The occasional twitch was the only thing that betrayed consciousness.

Spy took her hat and tucked it away inside his suit. "Medic will appreciate this, I am sure."

Sniper claimed his prizes in the form of Eirin's bow and quiver, wielding the equipment with the kind of ease that only comes from knowing he could consistently put an arrow through a man's head in close combat situations. He also made sure to stuff his SMG back into his jacket, although the combined weight of all his weaponry made him stoop over.

Demoman stole her shotgun and ammo, hiding the pan away somewhere on his person in favor of his prize. He patted the barrel affectionately. "I ain't normally a shotgunny type o' man, but I think you'll be a good girl for me 'til I can hand you off, eh?"

Sekibanki weaved drunkenly from side to side as she made her way to the briefcase. She picked it up and hoisted it overhead with a triumphant cheer of "Victory!" She looked around in anticipation, still holding the case up, and held that pose for a good ten seconds before she drooped. "...Isn't something supposed to happen once we grab this?"

"Assuming things work the same way here as back home, we need to return to where we started," Spy said, taking a well-earned smoke break. "Which means the bookstore, presumably."

"So, uh, how are we getting back?"

Demoman raised a hand.

"You don't get a vote!" Sekibanki said, reflexively cringing at the thought of another sticky-jump.

"Didja not see the lab full of metal bits?" Demoman asked, completely ignoring her.

"What does that have to do with anything?"

Spy cleared his throat. "Demoman means to say that we can resupply our ammo with metal scrap. All we need do is jam some into our weapons."

Sekibanki stared blankly at him. "...How does that even work?"

"Do not ask."
_____

Boss Loot!

Sniper acquired: The Lunarian Longbow! Hand-carved from the branches of a great tree in the Lunar Capital's royal gardens, this weapon has served Eirin well for countless years. It shoots straight and true with no dropoff, but needs more time to draw back. It also makes a handy bludgeon!

Medic acquired: The Nurse's Nightcap! Tired of your patients whining about 'bullet wounds' or 'malpractice'? Get in touch with your feminine side with this headgear! For best results, one should also equip the Nurse's Nightgown. With the full set, your patients will be too amazed (horrified) by your stunning (disgusting) appearance to complain about anything ever again!

Scout acquired: The Surgeon's Shotgun! Despite the name, this gun does not actually shoot medicine. What it does do is make your enemies need a surgeon in the first place! In that regard, it's an excellent medical tool.
_____

Party Status!

Demoman: Lightly Wounded (Lethal Damage) Critical (Stun Damage)

Sniper: Severely Wounded (Lethal Damage), Severely Wounded (Stun Damage)

Sekibanki: Lightly Wounded (Lethal Damage) Critical (Stun Damage)

Spy: Lightly Wounded (Lethal Damage) Wounded (Stun Damage)

Note: Stun damage recedes over time, unlike lethal damage. Taking too much stun damage will impair teammates, making them more susceptible to lethal damage.
_____

Briefcase acquired! While the group's goal is now to escape Eientei, how should they return to the village once they are clear of the building?

[X] SUPER STICKY JUMP PART TWO: THE STICKY JUMP STRIKES BACK

[X] Hoof it on foot; after all this chaos, tearing through the skies in a screaming pile of madness will only attract unwanted attention.

[X] Write-in?

_____

Since this is going to be the last story post before a new thread, I'll just get some questions I missed earlier out of the way now!

>>181215

I'm afraid I'm too busy running Mann Co. to make any appearances here! Besides, it's not my job!

>>181139

>campaign too long

It's either that or too little, and I think I'd prefer having more action instead of less! However, this mission will be coming to a close shortly, so your heart is going to get a break from all this pulse-pounding excitement.

>>181226

You see what happens when you ignore my warnings? I had to enter the message for him afterward, onomatopoeia and all.

>>181245

The kind that keeps his language strictly PG-13, that's who!
No. 181415
[X] Hoof it on foot; after all this chaos, tearing through the skies in a screaming pile of madness will only attract unwanted attention.

Time for a quiet exfiltration, I feel.
No. 181416
[x] Hoof it on foot; after all this chaos, tearing through the skies in a screaming pile of madness will only attract unwanted attention.

Although sticky jumping would be faster, it requires good timing on Demo's part or the jump falls short. Given that he's even more heavily impaired than usual, it's not a viable option.
No. 181417
[X] Hoof it on foot; after all this chaos, tearing through the skies in a screaming pile of madness will only attract unwanted attention.
-[x]Find Mokou, invite her to drink with us to Lunarian smashing

Eh, we're pretty damaged and fall damage hurts like a bitch, and most sticky jumps take off a good ~75 (out of 175) health or so.
No. 181420
[X] Hoof it on foot; after all this chaos, tearing through the skies in a screaming pile of madness will only attract unwanted attention.

Yeeeeeah, gotta go with this. The traps in the main halls of Eientei are working for the mercs, not against, so at the very least we don't need to worry about those. Reisen may be recovering but I'm not sure how likely she is to jump back into the fray (and even if she does she'll have to contend with the allegiance-shifted traps like everyone else), Tewi's probably still mentally scarred, and the Doc's not getting up anytime soon.

Assuming the enemy hasn't gotten 'The enemy has taken our intelligence!' message like the two merc sides would, that means we still have an opportunity to just waltz out of here while everyone's still reeling, and if they get attacked inside Eientei again they can just turn the traps against the defenders to give themselves some relief.

The only remaining threat is Kaguya, which is why I'm worried about that whole sticky jump attracting attention thing. It would get the mercs out fast, but I'm not sure the mercs are fit to fight another boss this soon. Better to save it for when you actually need it. I mean, how would you react to someone flying off by using explosives to launch themselves if you weren't used to it?
No. 181432
[X] Hoof it on foot; after all this chaos, tearing through the skies in a screaming pile of madness will only attract unwanted attention.
No. 181436
[X] Hoof it on foot; after all this chaos, tearing through the skies in a screaming pile of madness will only attract unwanted attention.
No. 181439
[X] Hoof it on foot; after all this chaos, tearing through the skies in a screaming pile of madness will only attract unwanted attention.

If only because we'd crater in our current state, not to mention the risk of missing our intended target. Hopefully the bamboo forest won't be too much of a problem.
No. 181469
Megalomania is a perfect battle theme for literally any situation.

[X] Hoof it on foot; after all this chaos, tearing through the skies in a screaming pile of madness will only attract unwanted attention.
No. 181508
Well, I guess I'll vote for Super Sticky Jump Part II. Who doesn't like explosive-propelled jumps?

Anyhoo, I NEED to see Medic in that cap. Just have to.
No. 181515
Found this picture. Had to post it.

Anyway,
[X] SUPER STICKY JUMP PART TWO: THE STICKY JUMP STRIKES BACK
No. 181519
Demoman loves his heads.
Anyway, screw explosives. Find a good ramp an' CHAAAAAARRGGGEEE!!!!! Just like on Degroot Keep, you'll go flying at even higher velocities!
No. 181608
[X] SUPER STICKY JUMP PART TWO: THE STICKY JUMP STRIKES BACK
No. 181609
[X] SUPER STICKY JUMP PART TWO: THE STICKY JUMP STRIKES BACK
No. 181615
[X] Hoof it on foot; after all this chaos, tearing through the skies in a screaming pile of madness will only attract unwanted attention.
No. 181638
[X] SUPER STICKY JUMP PART TWO: THE STICKY JUMP STRIKES BACK
No. 181691
[X] SUPER STICKY JUMP PART TWO: THE STICKY JUMP STRIKES BACK

Is it a good idea? Nope.
Will it result in anything other than death? Not likely.
Will it be goddamn hilarious? You bet your hats it will be.
No. 181897
[X] SUPER STICKY JUMP PART TWO: THE STICKY JUMP STRIKES BACK
They'll probably die from fall damage, but they can just use a youkai as a landing pad.
No. 181965
Is this thread dead? I really hope not, I love both TF2 and Touhou.
Anyway...
[X] Super Sticky Jump!