You are Jesus Christ, son of God, brother of Man, forgiver of Sins.
Having just recently been crucified, you are a bit out of sorts as you find yourself waking up alive again a day early and in the wrong place. Instead of a dark tomb with a big rock for a door, you're in the middle of a forest of bamboo.
Your hands feel particularly holy today and you note that you still have a big bloody hole in each of them and it stings like a bitch, God damn.
A quick survey of the area reveals that this is most certainly not Jerusalem, and your disciples are nowhere to be found. It surely won't go over well if you're late for your big day tomorrow.
What do you do?
>
No. 179129
>walk around the forest, see what you can find |
No. 179130
>Walk around a bit. Maybe we'll get lucky and find a place where we can get information. |
No. 179131
>Check if you're omniscient or something. |
No. 179132
For now you decide to simply look around the forest and see if you can find anything. After some time spent fumbling around in this strange environment you hear the crashing and roaring of a battle. Heading closer you come across two strangely dressed women grappling with each other while screaming profanities. |
No. 179135
>Jesus Christ |
No. 179136
You quickly regain your senses. Be on your way? What were you thinking? You are Jesus Christ, son of God, brother of Man, forgiver of Sins! You can hardly ignore such a blatant display of sinning coming from these misguided souls. |
No. 179137
> If they refuse to listen, there is nothing else we can do. Let's move on. |
No. 179138
It seems these two are beyond help. You regretfully leave them be while contemplating if there was something more you could have done as you continue through the forest. You can't be late for your big day tomorrow, however, and you figure it will be fine since you'll forgive them later on anyway. |
No. 179139
>Wait patiently. |
No. 179140
You decide to wait patiently until the girl gets back, even if it costs you valuable time. You spend the passing minutes admiring the trees and looking at the more normal rabbits hopping around below you. |
No. 179141
>Turn vial's content into wine. |
No. 179142
>>179141 |
No. 179143
>>179141 |
No. 179144
A mere vial of suspicious liquid is no danger to you! After all, you are Jesus Christ, son of God, brother of Man, forgiver of Sins. As the rabbit girls pull you out of the cage and hold you down, the woman brings the vial towards you, surely intending to make you drink it. You quickly perform your best party trick, and the vial is now sweet smelling wine, which you happily gulp down when she puts it to your lips. |
No. 179145
>"Do not worry about them. These wounds exist to signify the sacrifice the Son of God has made for the world." |
No. 179147
You tell her not to worry about them, and that the wounds exist to signify the sacrifice the Son of God has made for the world. The woman tells you that she admires your sacrifice because it makes it easier for her to restrain you, as she snaps handcuffs through the holes of each hand, and Jesus that hurts. |
No. 179149
> Heal the white haired girl and ask her about demons. |
No. 179150
>Jesus in Gensokyo |
No. 179152
>>179150 |
No. 179154
>>179152 |
No. 179156
>Get outta here |
No. 179157
> Heal the white haired girl and ask her about demons |
No. 179158
>>179152 |
No. 179159
>Jesus that hurts |
No. 179160
This thread immediately won the internet. |
No. 179161
While your ultimate goal is of course peace on earth, and goodwill among men, the current situation requires you to take a side. So you take the side of the girl who doesn't appear to be in bed with Satan's foul army. |
No. 179162
>Stop the fight with your divine wisdom. |
No. 179163
>Ask Mokou where we should go to learn more about where we are and how to get back to Jerusalem. Then give her a quick blessing to help her in her battle and leave. |
No. 179164
> >>179162 |
No. 179166
>Ask Mokou where we should go to learn more about where we are and how to get back to Jerusalem. Then give her a quick blessing to help her in her battle and leave. |
No. 179167
Of course you can't just let her fight them to save you. What kind of saviour of man would that make you? After accepting death and teaching your disciples to forgive, you would abandon this woman for your own ends? Preposterous! You must do the only thing you can: stop this fight and show them all the error of their ways. |
No. 179168
> And the LORD said "thou only liveth once... except for you, J-dawg, but that aside, do it!" |
No. 179169
>And the good LORD said unto thee: Papa didn't raise no pussy. Do it faggot. |
No. 179170
>And the good LORD said unto thee: Reply hazy, try again anon. |
No. 179171
With God's blessing, you know that your course is just. You cannot let this fighting continue. You open your mouth and begin the chant. |
No. 179172
>>179171 |
No. 179173
>Light up this ho' |
No. 179174
You opt to have faith that your Father, the LORD, will protect you. Having not brought his rod or staff with you on this bizarre adventure however, the plan does not go so well and the ball of darkness envelops you before something hard makes contact with your skull. You hear a yelp from the darkness as you fall backwards, and the light returns to the area revealing a young girl clutching her head. She has blonde hair, black and white clothes, and exceptionally pale skin. She opens her eyes only to quickly close them and shield her face with her hands, apparently vulnerable to the light. |
No. 179175
>Eat of my flesh, drink of my blood my child. Let Jesus Christ, son of God, brother of Man, forgiver of Sins be all the sustenance you need. |
No. 179176
>Offer her your rice, blessed to be able to satisfy any hunger |
No. 179177
>>179174 |
No. 179178
>She must be smelling the bread that is your body. You have been dead for a while though, so you're proberbly a little stale |
No. 179179
You opt to take a page out of one of your favourite Chinese cartoons and offer to let the girl partake of your body. The girl does not seem put off by this in the slightest, and instead eagerly accepts as you stretch out your arm. The girl then jumps up and in a flash tears a large chunk out of your arm with her teeth, and jumpin' Jehoshaphat that hurts. |
No. 179180
>Bring her along. You have to start getting some Apostle sooner or later. |
No. 179181
>Let her tag along for now |
No. 179183
Jesus Christ Jesus! You can't just go around accusing little girls of being demons. Yea, she called herself a youkai, but that could be because she's been lied to by the real demons. |
No. 179184
>Since the thing with the other 12 somehow didn't go as planned, gather new apostles starting with this girl. |
No. 179185
>Let her tag along for now |
No. 179186
>Let her tag along for now |
No. 179189
>What would Jesus do? |
No. 179193
>>179179 |
No. 179196
>>179193 |
No. 179198
>>179193 |
No. 179199
So Rumia's drinking Jesus blood--does that mean she's getting drunk now? |
No. 179281
>Since the thing with the other 12 somehow didn't go as planned, gather new apostles starting with this girl. |
No. 179293
>Let her tag along for now |
No. 179294
This is fucking hilarious |
No. 179295
It seems that God attempted to smite me for writing this, so updates will resume once I'm no longer in excruciating pain. |
No. 179296
>>179171 |
No. 179308
>>179179 |
No. 179803
is jesus kill? |