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179128 No. 179128
You are Jesus Christ, son of God, brother of Man, forgiver of Sins.
Having just recently been crucified, you are a bit out of sorts as you find yourself waking up alive again a day early and in the wrong place. Instead of a dark tomb with a big rock for a door, you're in the middle of a forest of bamboo.
Your hands feel particularly holy today and you note that you still have a big bloody hole in each of them and it stings like a bitch, God damn.

A quick survey of the area reveals that this is most certainly not Jerusalem, and your disciples are nowhere to be found. It surely won't go over well if you're late for your big day tomorrow.

What do you do?
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No. 179129
>walk around the forest, see what you can find
No. 179130
>Walk around a bit. Maybe we'll get lucky and find a place where we can get information.

Y'know, assuming we even need information.
No. 179131
>Check if you're omniscient or something.
No. 179132
For now you decide to simply look around the forest and see if you can find anything. After some time spent fumbling around in this strange environment you hear the crashing and roaring of a battle. Heading closer you come across two strangely dressed women grappling with each other while screaming profanities.
One woman has long black hair, a pink top, and a dark red dress, while the other has long white hair, a white top, and dark red pants.

You are unsure if you should try to involve yourself in the situation or be on your way.
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No. 179135
>Jesus Christ
>Saying "goddamn"
Heh.

So someone actually did take up the challenge to make an Easter related story? I don't think this will last long, but I've been wrong before, so I might as well enjoy the ride while it lasts.

>Be on your way? Bitch, you are the way. Go to where the fight's at.
No. 179136
You quickly regain your senses. Be on your way? What were you thinking? You are Jesus Christ, son of God, brother of Man, forgiver of Sins! You can hardly ignore such a blatant display of sinning coming from these misguided souls.

You approach the two young ladies while trying to appear as radiant as possible. You tell the two of them to stop while trying to place yourself between them. The girls, while worn out, do not seem receptive to this idea as they both give you a death glare and ask who the hell you're supposed to be.
You introduce yourself as Jesus Christ, son of God, brother of Man, forgiver of Sins. The girls seem unimpressed. The white-haired one stops to pick her nose, and scoffs as she asks which god you mean. You reply that of course you are talking about the one true God. The black-haired girl tells you she has never heard of him. How could this be? Have you been taken to a land the word of God has not reached?

The girls tell you to rack off so they can finish their fight.
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No. 179137
> If they refuse to listen, there is nothing else we can do. Let's move on.
No. 179138
It seems these two are beyond help. You regretfully leave them be while contemplating if there was something more you could have done as you continue through the forest. You can't be late for your big day tomorrow, however, and you figure it will be fine since you'll forgive them later on anyway.

As you travel through the forest your view suddenly flips over as you are yanked into the air by your foot. You have been caught in some manner of rope trap.
A voice exclaims that she's caught a big one today, and you eventually catch sight of a young girl with rabbit ears on her head! This can't be! Have demons made their way into this land? What is going on?
The demon(?) comes closer and examines you from below, noting that you seem to be a foreigner, and will be worth more. You ask the girl to let you down, but your pleas are ignored.

She begins walking away, leaving you stuck dangling in the air.
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No. 179139
>Wait patiently.

I'm going to assume we have omnipotence?
No. 179140
You decide to wait patiently until the girl gets back, even if it costs you valuable time. You spend the passing minutes admiring the trees and looking at the more normal rabbits hopping around below you.

After about twenty minutes the rabbit girl returns, pulling behind her a cage bigger than she is. She drags the cage directly below you, and flips over the top of it. She then points her finger at you, and with a flash of light the rope holding you is severed and you fall into the cage, which she quickly slams shut over you.
Was that magic? Is this young girl truly an agent of Satan? No, you must not be deceived by her looks. This girl is certainly the very embodiment of Sin!

The girl quickly demonstrates inhuman strength as she drags the cage along with you now inside it as well. You try to ask the girl where she is taking you, but she continues to ignore you as she whistles to herself.

After some time you come to a clearing in the forest, with a large building the style of which you've never before seen. The girl scampers off again, leaving you to take in your surroundings. You wait for a while, noting that there are many more rabbits here, until the girl finally returns with two women. One has unnatural, purple hair to go with her rabbit ears, while the other has white hair and alternating red and blue clothes. You ask what they intend to do with you, and the white-haired woman smiles as she tells you they wish to study you.

The rabbit girls begin opening the cage while the woman pulls out a vial of foul smelling liquid.
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No. 179141
>Turn vial's content into wine.

Timeless classic.
No. 179142
>>179141

Perfect.
No. 179143
>>179141
No. 179144
A mere vial of suspicious liquid is no danger to you! After all, you are Jesus Christ, son of God, brother of Man, forgiver of Sins. As the rabbit girls pull you out of the cage and hold you down, the woman brings the vial towards you, surely intending to make you drink it. You quickly perform your best party trick, and the vial is now sweet smelling wine, which you happily gulp down when she puts it to your lips.

After waiting a few moments with no reaction, the purple rabbit girl questions how long it's taking, to which the smaller one replies that you must have better tolerance, as a foreigner. The woman pulls out another vial, which you also quickly transform into only the finest wine, mashed with the finest peasant's feet. The woman forces you to drink it, but leaves a little still in the vial, and after no reaction from you, she examines it herself, smelling it and then giving it a taste.
Quickly realising that her poison has been transformed into wine, she demands to know who you are, so you tell her that you are Jesus Christ, son of God, brother of Man, forgiver of Sins. These words appear to mean nothing to her, but she orders the rabbit girls to release you. You stand up and rub your wrists, only for the woman to quickly grab your arm and gaze intently at the holes in your hands, which still have not healed.

She asks you what happened to your hands.
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No. 179145
>"Do not worry about them. These wounds exist to signify the sacrifice the Son of God has made for the world."
No. 179147
You tell her not to worry about them, and that the wounds exist to signify the sacrifice the Son of God has made for the world. The woman tells you that she admires your sacrifice because it makes it easier for her to restrain you, as she snaps handcuffs through the holes of each hand, and Jesus that hurts.
She begins to pull you along by the chain towards the house when the building in front of you is suddenly demolished by the black-haired girl from earlier slamming into it. The woman and her rabbits leave you to tend to her, and you look the other way to see the previous white-haired girl now considerably more battered and bruised as she breathes heavily.

You note that the forest behind her seems to be on fire.
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No. 179149
> Heal the white haired girl and ask her about demons.
No. 179150
>Jesus in Gensokyo
>Sillyness
>Fast updates

...I've had a long day and I'm too tired to participate, but I want you to know that I absolutely adore you for this.
No. 179152
>>179150
>Fast updates
Fortunately for the site's reputation, a killer headache developed while I was writing the last one and still hasn't gone away. I think that'll have to be it for today.
No. 179154
>>179152

Truly, THP is cursed.

Anyway, I hope your headache subsides without putting up too much of a fight!
No. 179156
>Get outta here
We still have our big day, after all. Besides, Jesus does not keep company with Demons.
No. 179157
> Heal the white haired girl and ask her about demons

Goddamn I laughed so hard at the wine thing. Saw it coming, but still.
No. 179158
>>179152
Maybe it's punishment for the sacrilege that is this story. Just kidding I love you
No. 179159
>Jesus that hurts

oh jesus christ
No. 179160
This thread immediately won the internet.
No. 179161
While your ultimate goal is of course peace on earth, and goodwill among men, the current situation requires you to take a side. So you take the side of the girl who doesn't appear to be in bed with Satan's foul army.

You make your way over to the white-haired girl, who is visibly struggling to keep on her feet. You lay your hands on her shoulders as best you can with the obstructive handcuffs, and before she can muster up the strength to object you use your God-approved Jesus magic to heal her wounds. In a matter of seconds her bruises fade away and she stands up straight to talk to you.

She questions your motives, and you reiterate that you are Jesus Christ, son of God, brother of Man, forgiver of Sins. She insists that she would have healed up on her own anyway, but appreciates the help, and introduces herself as Mokou. As thanks she breaks apart your handcuffs with a surprisingly strong chop.
You take the opportunity to ask her about the demons, which leaves her somewhat confused. You point out the rabbit girls who are still trying to extricate the black-haired girl from the wreckage of their home. Mokou says that you clearly are a foreigner, and asks if you've never heard of a youkai before.
After a brief explanation you conclude that demons are what the people of this land refer to as youkai, and the foul creatures have integrated themselves into human society. You weren't aware that such a degenerate society still existed in this day and age! Why, if your Father knew about this he would be furious.

For now you decide that your best plan is to find your way out of this forsaken land and return to Jerusalem. Before you can figure out how to go about doing this, the two of you are confronted by the other group of four women. They demand that Mokou hand you over. Mokou grins at this idea, and tells you to get going and let her take care of this, since this gives her a new opportunity to annoy Kaguya; the black-haired woman.

Mokou steps away from you and prepares to fight.
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No. 179162
>Stop the fight with your divine wisdom.

The thing about being Jesus Christ is that we're the Ultimate Good, therefore we must help everybody we come across. Especially those who want to do us harm, in order to make them see the errors of their actions and redeem them.
No. 179163
>Ask Mokou where we should go to learn more about where we are and how to get back to Jerusalem. Then give her a quick blessing to help her in her battle and leave.


>God-approved Jesus magic

You forgot your trademark. This whole story is hilarious.
No. 179164
> >>179162
I like you.
No. 179166
>Ask Mokou where we should go to learn more about where we are and how to get back to Jerusalem. Then give her a quick blessing to help her in her battle and leave.
No. 179167
Of course you can't just let her fight them to save you. What kind of saviour of man would that make you? After accepting death and teaching your disciples to forgive, you would abandon this woman for your own ends? Preposterous! You must do the only thing you can: stop this fight and show them all the error of their ways.

"Stop!" You yell, feeling like this is the first time you've properly spoken all day. You place yourself between Mokou and Kaguya's group, and begin laying down the Word. You speak of how fighting accomplishes nothing, and that one can only find true satisfaction and pleasure in the comfort of peace and friendship. Kaguya responds by telling you to fuck off. Mokou agrees, telling you not to get between their fight.

This group clearly isn't willing to listen to reason. You can still convince them, but you'll have to use that to do it. But it is truly the right thing to do?

You take a moment to pray for guidance.
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No. 179168
> And the LORD said "thou only liveth once... except for you, J-dawg, but that aside, do it!"
No. 179169
>And the good LORD said unto thee: Papa didn't raise no pussy. Do it faggot.
No. 179170
>And the good LORD said unto thee: Reply hazy, try again anon.
No. 179171
With God's blessing, you know that your course is just. You cannot let this fighting continue. You open your mouth and begin the chant.
Three iterations of "wololo" later, all five people present are pacified with the tell-tale sign of their clothes turning blue.
Mokou and Kaguya embrace each other in a friendly hug and thank you for bringing them to their senses, noting that they could hardly even remember what they were fighting about in the first place.

With the situation defused you ask them about getting back home and they tell you that the path to the outside world is at the Hakurei shrine and you should seek the shrine maiden's help. While you're not fond of people who would worship a false God, if that's your only choice you'll need to make your way there. Kaguya has her rabbit girls get you some rice for your journey and Mokou leads you out of the bamboo forest, pointing you on the path to the shrine and village. You thank them for their help and continue on your way, hoping to get there before the sun sets.

As you travel along the dirt road you come across a strange floating ball of darkness in your path. You have no clue what strange manner of dark magic this orb is, but it's slowly coming this way.
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No. 179172
>>179171
>Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

This seems like the most appropiate way

>WOLOLOLO
Golden, just golden. My atheists friends would break into laughter and my really really catholic friends would throw a fit. You're doing a great job A.Master
No. 179173
>Light up this ho'
No. 179174
You opt to have faith that your Father, the LORD, will protect you. Having not brought his rod or staff with you on this bizarre adventure however, the plan does not go so well and the ball of darkness envelops you before something hard makes contact with your skull. You hear a yelp from the darkness as you fall backwards, and the light returns to the area revealing a young girl clutching her head. She has blonde hair, black and white clothes, and exceptionally pale skin. She opens her eyes only to quickly close them and shield her face with her hands, apparently vulnerable to the light.

Being a compassionate type of guy, you pray for a few moments and summon a cloud to rest above the girl, keeping her in the shade. The girl looks up, likely confused by the odd weather they're having here lately, and turns to you. She walks over and for some reason begins to sniff you. You ask her what she's doing and she happily replies that you smell good. She follows this up with a grin flashing many very sharp looking teeth.

The girl once again notes that you smell good, and informs you that she is hungry.
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No. 179175
>Eat of my flesh, drink of my blood my child. Let Jesus Christ, son of God, brother of Man, forgiver of Sins be all the sustenance you need.
No. 179176
>Offer her your rice, blessed to be able to satisfy any hunger
No. 179177
>>179174
>You have rice, use that as in the miracle of the fishes and bread so that she never gets hungry againd
No. 179178
>She must be smelling the bread that is your body. You have been dead for a while though, so you're proberbly a little stale
No. 179179
You opt to take a page out of one of your favourite Chinese cartoons and offer to let the girl partake of your body. The girl does not seem put off by this in the slightest, and instead eagerly accepts as you stretch out your arm. The girl then jumps up and in a flash tears a large chunk out of your arm with her teeth, and jumpin' Jehoshaphat that hurts.

Not that it's much of a set-back however, as you quickly regenerate the lost meat and watch as the girl happily munches on your flesh. You ask the girl about herself and in-between ravenous bites she tells you her name is Rumia, and she's a youkai that hangs out around these parts, and that she's still hungry. You opt for a less painful method and whip up a few extra arms for her to nibble on. Rumia gratefully accepts them and tells you that you're nice, and asks what you're doing.
You tell her that you're on your way to the Hakurei shrine in order to return home, and while she nods as she listens, she seems more interested in her food. You're about to leave her be and continue on your way when she asks if she can tag along, since she hasn't eaten well in a while.

You're not if you should bring her along, but question the morality of leaving a little girl alone in this place, even if she is a demon. You ask yourself: What would Jesus do?
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No. 179180
>Bring her along. You have to start getting some Apostle sooner or later.
No. 179181
>Let her tag along for now
No. 179183
Jesus Christ Jesus! You can't just go around accusing little girls of being demons. Yea, she called herself a youkai, but that could be because she's been lied to by the real demons.

How can you call yourself brother of man if you think ill of this sweet little orphan girl without getting to know her?
No. 179184
>Since the thing with the other 12 somehow didn't go as planned, gather new apostles starting with this girl.
No. 179185
>Let her tag along for now
No. 179186
>Let her tag along for now
No. 179189
>What would Jesus do?
Something seems off here.
No. 179193
>>179179
>You opt for a less painful method and whip up a few extra arms for her to nibble on.
So this Jesus is a reptilian then ? That the protag is RAPTOR Jesus should have been specified in the OP.
No. 179196
>>179193
Nah, Jesus just carries around extra arms. Probably leftovers from The Last Supper.
No. 179198
>>179193
>>179196

The reality is far more mundane; he's just pulling off his food cloning trick.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feeding_the_multitude
No. 179199
So Rumia's drinking Jesus blood--does that mean she's getting drunk now?
No. 179281
>Since the thing with the other 12 somehow didn't go as planned, gather new apostles starting with this girl.
No. 179293
>Let her tag along for now

As previously seen, these "youkai" can be shown the Right Way, so obviously he has to teach her right from wrong.
And who better to do that than Jesus Christ: Here to chew bubblegum and forgive your sins, and gum won't be invented for another 2000 years.
No. 179294
This is fucking hilarious

>wololo
No. 179295
It seems that God attempted to smite me for writing this, so updates will resume once I'm no longer in excruciating pain.
No. 179296
>>179171
Aeehoooyoyo
No. 179308
>>179179
at some point in time we need to meet 'youkai jesus' or rather byakuren
No. 179803
is jesus kill?