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174960 No. 174960
Hello everyone.

Disclaimers here:
first attempt at a CYOA, or a story period.
I am planning on setting this with the 1.8 type settings for touhoumon.
I am taking a little bit of a leaf from Bread of no Consequence, and S.L.D.T, and friends in my inspiration. (alternate evolution patterns and such)
don’t hate me for my basing, hate me for my story.
other disclaimers stuff here
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today is the day. You’ve finally turned 13. Most people started their journey when they were ten, but your village was different. You all learned a bit more, and were made sure that you wouldn’t just get beaten down by wild Touhoumon, or another trainer, the moment you left town.

As you pack up your belongings,
Your tablet
the Touhou orb your parents gave you*
5 regular Touhou orbs
your catch-specs***
some potions and equipment**
some dried rations
2 spare changes of clothes

*modified slightly, gives light mental conditioning, lightly improved catch rate
**5 regular potions, 3 repels, 1 antidote
***in the tall grass, you can see where the wild touhoumon lie in wait, or are moving around at. Also have some other sight benefits, as well as improved dark vision.

You zip up your pack, and shoulder it. A few other people are starting today as well, you recall.

What do you want to do, to start your journey?
[ ] go wait in line all day for a starter, and fight over who gets what
[ ] sneak out into the grasses, and catch a wild touhoumon
[ ] write in

No. 174961
[x] go wait in line all day for a starter, and fight over who gets what
No. 174962
[ X] sneak out into the grasses, and catch a wild touhoumon 
No. 174963
i'm not sure how fast votes normally come in on a first time story, is this slow, or fast?
and where should i probably call votes?
Sorry bout posting with the name though
No. 174965
[X] sneak out into the grasses, and catch a wild touhoumon

>>174963

Sub-par/low target audience stories get 3-6 votes per update.

Average stories get 6-7 votes on an update day, and a few might trickle in afterwards.

amazing stories get 10-15 on update day, and an occasional argument/shitstorm.


It's up to you as to when you call the votes, but typically authors give us at least a day to gets votes in.
No. 174966
>>174965
thank you very much for both the vote, and the numbers.

I feel that if i can get a good 5 votes, i can make the call.
No. 174967
File 138366755435.jpg - (177.25KB , 850x1171 , 137872838181.jpg ) [iqdb]
174967
Screw it, if I feel I got a few people watching it’s good enough for me.
Besides, I just really wanted to write.
-----------------------------------------------
[x] Sneak out into the grass, and catch a wild touhoumon

You’ve seen the demonstrations on how to catch a wild touhoumon.

Weaken it, and throw a ball at it, right?

As you look around town, you see the small wooded area near the edge of the town, and figure that would be a good place as any. The adults might see you sneak out the front gate of the town.

You clamber over the small fence they placed there, and started looking and listening around, until you see some rustling over in the distance.

A CMomiji, and a CMarisa in what seems to be a tug of war over… something.

The Marisa pulls it away and smacks the Momiji in the head with it, and runs off into the woods.

As you see the Marisa vanish into the brush, the Momiji flops down, and doesn’t seem to notice anything happening around her. You notice now she doesn’t have the sword that Momiji’s always carry.

You remember reading that if a Momiji loses her sword, they get very depressed, and don’t do anything really.

You pull your special touhou orb out, and get closer to her, and tap it to her. She gets pulled in, and it clicks easily. She doesn’t seem to resist.

With your new touhoumon secured, you haul ass back to town.

what do you do now?

[] she doesn’t seem to look too good, delay trip until you can get her feeling better
[] rush out anyways
[]see the professor
[]write-in
(sorry about the starter railroading. I wanted to try the touhoumon aspect with the common 2humon as a starter.)
No. 174968
[x] sneak out into the grasses, and catch a wild touhoumon


Remember to make updates longer and double check your spelling.
No. 174970
[X] she doesn’t seem to look too good, delay trip until you can get her feeling better.
No. 174971
[x] she doesn't seem to look too good, delay trip until you can get her feeling better

Looks like we need to get her sword back from the CMarisa.
No. 174972
[]see the professor
No. 174978
>>174971

Tug of war over a sword would be a very quick and painful affair for the person on the business end of the sword. Im guessing It was probably a broom they were fighting over.

I'm also going to further speculate that the Momiji is just goin around looking for objects that are like a sword, to replace the one she lost.

I would change my vote to

[X] Carve a wooden sword for her.

...but it's probably too late now.
No. 174980
File 138367688845.jpg - (297.94KB , 882x1000 , 1338868335413.jpg ) [iqdb]
174980
[x] she doesn't seem to look too good, delay trip until you can get her feeling better

You notice Momiji still not moving much. What could be happening? You pick her up and carry her over to the Professor’s lab, everyone else finishing filing out, bruised and several limping.

“close call” you note.

Professor Fir looks over to you. “something the problem… what was your name again?” he asks

NAME PICK TIME!
Write it in people

You nod “My momiji here isn’t moving around much, is something wrong?” you ask “she doesn’t have her sword on her, I saw a Marisa run off with it, and I don’t know where she went.”

he nods “That might be one problem. Take her home, and get her some rest, and I’ll keep an eye out for her sword. You shouldn’t leave, because she can’t do much. Go home, feed her and I’ll see if I can find it” he promises you.

You scurry off home, and lay her on the counter. “You hungry?” you ask her, petting her head. You start to get out some of the leftover meatloaf from last night, and start cutting out pieces for her.

As soon as you get out the knife, she perks up and looks over at you, following the knife. You set the meat in front of her, and smile. “eat up” you say, cutting it up in front of her. She starts grabbing at the knife, trying to take it from you. “is this what you want?” you ask, handing it to her. She pulls it closely, and hugs it, and tucks it in her sheath. She eats up her food and starts jumping around happily. You laugh, and get her a better knife for her to use. She smiled and hugs you, and barks happily.

“well, seems you’re all better” you say as you pet her.

congrats!
Momiji likes you, you got her a sword replacement, and she’s ready to go!
Momiji also hates the Cmarisa, and dislikes the species in general.

What do you want to do now?
[] rush out and catch up on your journey
[]stay the night and wait
[]write in
Also, what do you do, who do you talk to, and what do you want to say?
[]professor
[]parents
No. 174985
Name: Luka


[X]stay the night and wait
[X]sleep with Momiji

[x]professor
Found the sword?
[x]parents
I wanna be, the very best, like no one ever wasssss~
No. 174986
Name: Luka
[X] Stay the night and wait
[X] Professor: Found the sword?
No. 174987
Luka

[X]stay the night and wait
I hope they find it.
No. 174988
[X] Stay the night and wait
[X] Professor: Found the sword?

[x] Juanita (ワンイタ) (sic, because pun)
No. 174989
[x]Write in: apply ZYoumu patch
[x]Stay the night and wait.
No. 174992
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174992
Name: Luka
[X] Stay the night and wait
[X] Professor: Found the sword?

You decide to stay the night, and Momiji follows you around happily.

You make sure you have everything you need for the morning, and grab an extra knife or two from the kitchen, in case she loses her blade again.

Momiji is jumping around the living room, and you get her settled down, and start watching TV with her. You decide to dig out your Tablet, and get a scan on her for information later

CMomiji
Wolf Tengu Touhoumon
Has enhanced senses, even for a touhoumon. Uses a sword, can be excitable. Becomes depressed if blade is lost.

Statistics
Attack- Good
Defence- above average
Special Attack- terrible
Special defence- Great
Speed- Amazing
Level rating- 7

You smile and hug her close, and sniff her. “I think you need a bath” you drag her to the bathroom, and draw up a hot bath for her, and after a scuffle, she was soaking, and pouting. You make sure she is clean before drying her off, and carry her to bed, before the two of you fall asleep.

You wake up well rested, and Momiji is up, waiting in the kitchen, trying to open the fridge. She barks happily as you get more of the meatloaf out and heat it up, giving part to her. You laugh as she hits it with her kitchen knife to cut it up.

You finish cleaning up and locking the house, you step by the professor’s lab.

“hello Luca” he said “I’m sorry but I haven’t had a chance to look for her sword yet, but it seems she’s right as rain” he smiles to her.

“yeah, she just needed a new sword, I guess.” You shrug to him “well, we’re going to get started, see if we can make it to Redcoast Town before it gets too hot” You wave goodbye to your friends, and your home of 13 years, and set off onto the route.

“Well momiji, where do you want to head to first? To Redcoast, explore the coastal caves, or go around the woods?”

Choice
Where do you all want to go?
[] coastal caves
[] explore the town
[] look around the woods
No. 174993
Honestly, what I want to do is
[x] Hunt for that CMarisa, and try to get Momiji's real sword back.

Also, >>174988 was intended to be a vote for the Momiji's name; I missed the PC's-name-vote prompt.
No. 174994
>>174993
Thank you for the clarification.

Also, i would like to say, write in votes will always be an option, even if not listed.
No. 174996
[X] Hunt for that CMarisa, and try to get Momiji's real sword back.
No. 175000
[x] Hunt for that CMarisa, and try to get Momiji's real sword back.

Justice... will be served.
No. 175001
[x] Hunt for that CMarisa, and try to get Momiji's real sword back.
No. 175007
File 138369950237.jpg - (178.74KB , 667x766 , NEW_ID_by_Inubashiri_Momizi.jpg ) [iqdb]
175007
[x] Hunt for that CMarisa, and try to get Momiji's real sword back.

Momiji tugs on your leg, and leads you towards the woods you found her in. you follow her along, and she starts jumping up and down as you get to a clearing.

a few wild touhoumon start to gather around. A sober Csuika without her gourd, a patchouli without her book, and an Aya without a camera or a fan. Momiji looks back up at you with determination.

Momiji scampers further into the forest, and as you follow, you see another clearing, littered with assorted items… a book, a gourd, a camera and a fan, and several hats, along with several other items that don’t seem to belong to the resident of the clearing, one CMarisa.

Momiji snarled at her and pulled out her fearsome kitchen cutlery and pointed it at Marisa, barking at her.

Time to fight!
how are you going to go about it?
[ ]Aggressive
[ ]Defensive
[ ]Balanced
[ ]Berserker
[ ]Dirty

Remember- Momiji is HELLA pissed at this one marisa. She can only take a suggestion to go for this fight.
also, sorry about slow and small, but i did want the input here.
No. 175008
>>175007
[x]Balanced
No. 175009
[x]Aggressive

She seems to be fast and tough, so... get right to it!
No. 175010
>>175007
> [ ] Dirty

I'm a little reluctant to do this; it might end with the CMarisa more severely damaged than we want. (My ideal ending is that we somehow make her return all the items, or at least as many as possible.)

Therefore,
[x] Aggressive
since it's at least short of "Berserker".
No. 175011
[X]Aggressive

Go for it, use that speed. I don't like the idea of drawing out a fight with a Marisa of any kind.
No. 175015
[X] Aggressive
Marisas are fast from what I remember, let's see if we can be faster. Our excellent special defence should help in the fight.
No. 175016
File 138370969076.jpg - (36.02KB , 338x479 , 338px-Touhou_-_Momiji80.jpg ) [iqdb]
175016
[x] aggressive

You smile and pet her “go get her Momiji” you encourage her to go fight.

Momiji runs forward and shoves marisa, Scratching at her with her hand and her knife, while barking at her. She slashed at Marisa, and drew a line of blood across her cheek. Momiji barked at her again, and shoved her down off the mushroom she used as a chair. Marisa grinned and shot a shock at Momiji, who shuddered as it struck her.

Momiji yelped and leapt on top of her and started pounding on her with her tiny balled fists, in a cute, yet ferocious manner while barking rapidly.

*in Momiji’s eyes*

Momiji draws her new greatsword she was given by her new friend, and stared at the evil witch who had been tormenting her and her friends for almost their entire lifetimes! “Return our possessions, you bitch” she yelled at Marisa, who was playing around with several of her pilfered goods. “In the name of true justice, I shall end your reign of terror!” Momiji grabs her greatsword and charges at Marisa, drawing a series of dizzying cuts, stabs, and cleaves across the Witch’s magical barriers and her defences, until she finally struck true with a slash from the side of her hip to the edge of her face.

Marisa hissed aat her and began chanting her spell, glowing with an eldritch power, Momiji saw her attack, and tackled her off her throne, trying to interrupt the spell, but it was too late, and the powerful energies enveloped her, causing her muscles to contract and spasm, but her willpower, and strength overcame the nerve-frying black lightning.

Now in close quarters, her sword too large to swing around, she resorted to punching the witch in the face repeatedly while screaming at her “return these peoples possessions and repent!” over and over.

*back to reality*

Momiji got off marisa, and took her hat, and barked at her, while Marisa started trying to jump up to get her hat, momiji barked at her some more, and marisa grumbled and nodded.

Momiji gathered up everyone’s things, and put them in a pile in front of Marisa, and barked at her, and jumped up and down again, calling all her friends to the area, and howling in victory.

Marisa begrudgingly hands back the stolen items to each of the victims, under the constant prodding of Momiji. she looked at momiji, and shrugged, the sword nowhere to be found.

Momiji glares at her, and Marisa upturns her pockets and starts looking around to try to find the sword, but it did not turn up.

Momiji sits down, and looks up at you, almost crying. Marisa seems to be reenacting someone taking it from her, and running away very fast.

What do you do?
(all write in here, I want to see what you all would do at this point)
No. 175018
[x] hug Momiji then try to get the marisa to lead to where the sword was taken Momiji can then track the scent.
No. 175020
[X] Comfort Momiji, see if the Marisa can lead us to where the sword was taken, maybe we can search for clues and track the thief.

OP, the last post seems to have several run-on sentences, and a few spelling/grammatical errors. Maybe see if you can break up a few of the particularly long sentences next time? Other than that, post length is fine, continue!
No. 175021
>>175020
sorry bout that.
it's been about 5 years since I've touched an english class.
No. 175024
[x] Get the CMarisa to tell us where did the one who stole from her go, under threat of capture by Touhouball.
No. 175028
been at this for almost 14 hours now. I am going to sleep for the night, and will tally the votes in 8 hours or so.
No. 175030
>>175020
[x] Comfort Momiji, see if the Marisa can lead us to where the sword was taken, maybe we can search for clues and track the thief.
No. 175032
[x] Comfort Momiji. See if the Marisa can lead us to where the sword was taken; maybe we can search for clues and track the thief.
No. 175034
Holy shit your writing is awful.

At least half of your sentences aren't capitalized.


>“hello Luca” he said “I’m sorry but I haven’t had a chance to look for her sword yet, but it seems she’s right as rain” he smiles to her.

Jesus Christ this is awful.

“Hello, Luca,” he said. “I’m sorry, but I haven’t had a chance to look for her sword yet. It seems she’s right as rain, though,” he says to her.

YOU CANNOT SMILE TO SOMEONE AND EXPECT WORDS TO COME OUT.

>Professor Fir looks over to you. “something the problem… what was your name again?” he asks

God, can't you even punctuate a sentence at the end? That is the most basic of basics. Ever.

>Momiji tugs on your leg, and leads you towards the woods you found her in. you follow her along, and she starts jumping up and down as you get to a clearing.
>Momiji snarled at her and pulled out her fearsome kitchen cutlery and pointed it at Marisa, barking at her.

Ignoring the awful capitalization, pick a tense. ONE TENSE. Stick with it. Don't jump around to different tenses in the same sequence of actions.

Is English not your first language? If it's not, and it's not familiar to you, this is mostly forgivable if it gets fixed. Otherwise, get the fuck out, your writing is awful.
No. 175036
>>175016
Right, I forgot one part.

>*in Momiji’s eyes*

Get the fuck out.
No. 175037
>*in Momiji’s eyes*
>Actions

We don't do that here. It's the same reason as to why we get pissy over emoticons. What you can express through actions, you can far better express through actual writing.
No. 175038
>>175036
>>175037
Those aren't actions; those are poorly formatted headers. If they'd been bolded, italicized, and properly punctuated and capitalized:

>In Momiji's eyes:

>Meanwhile, back in reality:

... well, alright, they'd still be pretty hamfisted. But they're not what you're lambasting him over.
No. 175040
>>175038
I never said anything about actions.

I said for him to get the fuck out. And I stand by that statement.
No. 175047
>>175034

Capitalization? Yes, please.
Proofreading? Yes, please.
Fixed headers? Yes, please.
Get the fuck out? No, why would you do that.
No. 175049
>>175034

Also, JESUS, MAN, CHILL. If it's that offensively bad to your ever-so-delicate palate, you don't have to read it, especially if you'll try to chase him off with attack dogs. There are better ways to help people write better, and the way you're doing it represents THP in a bad way.
No. 175059
[x] Comfort Momiji, see if the Marisa can lead us to where the sword was taken, maybe we can search for clues and track the thief.
No. 175063
This story is far below the threshold of acceptable quality.
No. 175064
>>175049

I dunno man, I usually direct new writers to the thread but there's a lot of basic conventions that are being shat upon by this guy to the point where I don't know if there's anything we can do to help him, other than the standard READFUCKINGBOOKSALLDAYEVERYDAY.jpg. Seriously, this isn't even screwing up CYOA conventions or not having an idea for a plot, these are basic rules of the English written word that are being fucked over here.

As for you, writefag, I'm going to give you one last chance to show me you can produce written words that wouldn't get marked all over in red ink by a high school English teacher. Fail to produce, and I join the baying hounds.
No. 175071
At this point, even though I see you are willing to give me a second chance, I am probably going to scrap this story.

It seems to have gathered too much hatred at this point for me to reasonably go on.

I am sorry that I have shat upon your board with my terrible writing, though I expected more constructive criticism before the torches and pitchforks came out.

Seriously, I expected better from you all.

I KNOW I am shitty as a writer. That is why I started a story, to try to get better.

Here's a vote I'm going to check in 4 hours.

I've asked an English Major friend to help proofread, if this does continue.

[] The author continues writing the story.
[] The author scraps the story.

Keep going will take the previous vote of
[x] Comfort Momiji, see if the Marisa can lead us to where the sword was taken, maybe we can search for clues and track the thief.
No. 175075
[X] The author continues writing the story.
No. 175077
>>175071
>I KNOW I am shitty as a writer. That is why I started a story, to try to get better.
Okay, see. That's not going to work for you right now, because what you're getting is practice writing poorly: you're reinforcing bad habits, not making good ones. You really do need to read more, until you've internalized the rules and conventions of written English.

Story-writing practice would help you become a better author -- e.g., by learning how to create a scene out of actions, or a coherent plot out of scenes -- but it will not help you learn how to assemble a grammatical sentence out of letters and punctuation.

> I've asked an English Major friend to help proofread, if this does continue.
That would basically be a minimum requirement for continuing to post here. It will also help you learn to write... as long as you actually look at their feedback and [u]learn what your mistakes are, rather than blindly using their output. It won't replace reading, though.
No. 175078
[X] The author continues writing the story.
No. 175081
[x] The author continues writing the story...
-[x]... once he's read a ton of books.

I agree wholeheartedly with >>175077. You really need to get some serious practice at grammar before attempting to write a full-fledged story.

And as an aside, if you decide to come back and try again (which I hope so), you should consider using a different name/trip. As you yourself have said, you have gathered quite a lot of hate and mistrust from some anons here, and that's a stain that will not come off easily in the Internet. Starting from zero with a new alias will be much less problematic.
No. 175082
[x] The author scraps the story.

A live thread is not a place of learning the basics. There is IRC, and there are writer advice threads in /blue/ where you can post examples of your writing and get feedback.
No. 175085
[x] The author scraps the story.

Sorry, but I think it takes a little more skill to write here.
No. 175090
I'll go ahead and scrap the thread then.

I'm at least glad people were able to be honest with me, and help point out flaws instead of just saying I was bad, and should stop.

I also hope someone might continue this story, but it is also okay to just let it die.
No. 175141
>>175090
(Also, if and when you do come back, you probably shouldn't use such an easily-guessed tripcode.)