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So I recently finished reading Nihei Tustomu's "Biomega" story. What a head trip that was. I won't spoil anything for those who might want to read it, but I highly recommend reading it if you aren't squeamish.
After that I got to chatting with a buddy and things ended up on a Touhou tangent. Things went very downhill very quickly (I don't know much about Touhou, and he's a bit of a fan). Long story short, I made the dumbest bet of my life; "Give me two words of an idea and a name and I could write a half way decent story". He then told me "Biomega Crossover" and gave me a list of names to choose from. I'll let you guys figure out what that name was based on how the story goes. So, here I am, writing a nightmarish tale of Martian Zombies, Hot-Lead, Gene-Splicing, and little girls in frilly dresses.
DISCLAIMER TIME!: all of my information is what could be gleaned from some reading, the wiki, annoying fans, and some of the stories found here. I'd like to apologize in advance for shattering any hopes, dreams, childhood-innocence, and fanon that may or may not be entirely true.
And with that I leave you, Part one: Heavy Industry.
'In the year 3006, on February 26th, Toha Heavy Industries headquarters fell to an attack by the Public Health Service's Compulsory Execution Unit. After that, we regained communication with Toha Heavy Industries Team Kanoe, the near mythological team that was deployed first. At that time I learned there were only five of us across the entire globe.
That was a little over seven hours ago...
My name is Alexander Roman. I am an agent of Toha Heavy Industries Synthetic Human Bio-Weapon program from the UK production facility. and I have just entered the THI crater in search of salvageable equipment, and living personnel.'*
[*Note: as this is my first time using this site; For future reference, How do I make text italicized?]
The acrid stench of decaying flesh and the semi-sweet tang of fresh blood fills your nostrils as you slowly climb down the wall of the crater "Be careful, Roman, that's a sheer drop of at least 120 feet" Your AI tells you, her face hovering mere inches from your own, displayed on the inside of your visor. "Aye, I know..." you mutter as you drop to a wide ledge of twisted concrete and water pipes.
You had stopped paying attention to the Geiger Counter humming in your left ear shortly after you entered the irradiated area and began your search, and you had finally gotten used to keeping tempo with the clicking when Lucy, your AI partner, Shut it off.
"What good can you do for the remnants if you're face down in a crater?" she asks, feigning concern for you. You shrug lightly as you approach the lip of the ledge. Standing over the crater, looking into the destruction, you feel oddly at peace. The sound of water hissing through broken pipes nearby, the occasional shriek of an N5SV infected drone, it all sounds... natural. Leaning down you grip the ledge and drop to the next one, rolling to one knee as you land "Nicely done Roman. Even the French Judge liked your landing..." Lucy mutters sarcastically and begin searching the immediate area "I read seven energy signatures, looks like weapons." she says and chuckles lightly, she already knows what you're thinking.
'Guns? At least they're more useful than a herd of scared employees...' you think to yourself as you begin to move toward a twisted hall, bent off it's axis by the blast. Stopping you run your gloved hand down the wall "I feel sorry for whoever got caught down here in the blast..." you mutter and continue walking.
The quiet trek down the hall, and eventually the less eventful climb up an elevator shaft lead you to what appears to be an R&D area "Be careful, I'm detecting movement" Lucy says. You shift your weight to your left leg, raising the right side of your body, and slowly draw your pistol from it's holster "can you identify if they're drones?" you ask and begin walking down the hall, scanning the path ahead for any signs of movement "Negative, they're very alive. Likely scavengers that are unaware of the toxicity of the area" Lucy replies and took on a bemused expression "What is it?" you ask the AI and she turns to the west "They're the energy sources!" she hisses and takes control of your legs, quietly slamming you into the right-hand wall, and locking out your motor functions.
A small group, four people, three of which are carrying THI weapons, exit a door and, thankfully, turn their backs to you. They're oddly dressed, even for the people that once populated the immediate area, and appear to be completely absorbed in a conversation with each other. The one at the back, female by the way she moved, stops and turns to the hallway, an expression of concern on her features. "What is it?" one of the others asks and places a hand on her shoulder. She shakes her head and resumes walking.
Lucy returns function to your body as they round a corner and you shake your head "They were speaking Edo-Era Japanese..." you whisper and Lucy nods "Did you see her head?" she asks and displays an image on your visor. You feel your lower jaw hit the bottom of your helmet as you realize what you had just seen "She had... she had dog ears..." you mutter and Lucy nods "mammalian Canis Lupus" she says and sighs "She had dog ears..." you repeat and move down the hall at a brisk walk, moving in the same direction of the group.
Eventually you find them at an intersection, two keeping watch, and two, the girl and her supposed superior, examining the corpse of a C.E.U. soldier "Katome said that there was no one down here" she whispers to the man "Yeah, and now Katome's saying we're being followed" he says, and pulls a small device from the corpses jacket, examining it before discarding it. His voice carried the authority of a Judge making a proclamation. The two keeping watch look directly at you, but make no moves to raise their weapons.
Upon closer inspection one of them has small black wings protruding from his back, and the other has small white horns. Lucy brings up a genetic information diagram and whistles low "They each appear to have the genetics of a different animal in their DNA" she says and crosses her arms "So, how do they retain a Human form?" you ask and step into the light.
The man with the wings raises an assault rifle to your approach and whistles lightly "Didn't I say we were being followed? he asks his superior and laughs. The one with the horns shakes his head and looks at you "Take a good look at him, Katome, does he look like any of the Youkai we've already seen here? Does he look like an Oni?
he asks and the girl stands up "He's probably just another human, Like every other living person we've seen since arriving here." she says and her superior steps forward, this one has white wings on his back "he probably thinks he's hallucinating, might not even understand what we're saying. Let's get moving before he wises up" he says and turns his back on you.
In that instant your gun is in your hand and humming loudly as the capacitor cycles down from firing a round. Straight into the floor under his left foot "I'm taking you into protective custody to escort you to the safe zone. Lay down your arms and come with me" you command. The man stops in his tracks and turns to you, a smile crossing his face "Your language is superb, who taught you?" he asks and you step forward again.
The other three reach for their weapons and quickly find holes in their ears as three sharp cracks perforate the air in the hall "I'm not asking questions. I'm giving orders." you state and the girl recoils, screaming in a combination of pain and terror as blood begins oozing from the small wound. The other two busy themselves with helping her as the superior looks around "Be careful, this Youkai can disguise his energy!" he shouts and pulls a long, exceptionally well cared for Katana from his sheath.
Lucy shakes her head and projects an image of herself directly in front of the man "You should never bring a knife to a gun-fight. Give up, and come with us. I promise you that no further harm will come to you or your comrades" she says and the man slashes fruitlessly at her head "I will not be swayed by your phantom, Youkai! Now fight me!" he shouts.
Lucy shrugs and returns to your side, chuckling lightly "Kill him Roman, He'll just be trouble for us later." she says and you nod. You remove your helmet with your left hand and drop it to the floor, kicking it aside as you holster you pistol with your right hand "I can see you don't wish to solve this diplomatically..." you mutter, trailing off as your short black hair falls into your eyes, obscuring you vision slightly "but I am a man of dignity and honour. I will fight on your terms" you add, drawing the short, Mono-filament bladed axe from it's sheath and extend the handle of the axe to it's full length.
The man chuckles and steps forward "You wish to fight one of Lord Tenma's finest with a hatchet? I am insulted" he says and charges. He's almost to fast to track, closing on you with the speed of a Synthetic Human. You swiftly dodge his thrust and bring your axe around in a vicious left arch, swinging for his mid-section. He doesn't catch the hit and flies into the right wall, his breast-plate penetrated and the wound weeping dark-crimson blood.
He stands up and nods, clutching his left-side with his free hand "A good blow, but deceptive, Youkai." he says and raises his sword, flicking the tip of the blade at you "Fight me properly-" he begins to say and you cut him off "I gave you a chance to talk" you say and lower your weapon returning it to it's sheath "I have no interest in killing you, so just leave!" you shout and feel something cold enter your ribs and poke out your back.
Turning you head, you stare straight into the ruby coloured eyes of the girl, Shock plastered plainly on her face as she makes eye contact. "Never lower your guard." the man says and sheaths his sword "Leave him, Momiji, the other monsters will find him and dispose of him." he says and turns walking down the hall. The other two glance at each other and nod to the girl, Momiji, and follow after their superior.
You close your eyes and smile briefly before grabbing the girl's sword "Listen, dear. If you leave now, I promise I won't chase after you" you says and nod. She gulps loudly, obviously terrified of confronting you like this "y-y-you shouldn't-... shouldn't even be able to move..." she mutters and you arch your back, lifting the Momiji off her feet, and into the air. "Not only that, but..." you say, trailing off "I think we've been heard by something truly unfriendly..." you add and pull the blade from your body as you turn to the hall you came down, and lower the girl to the floor.
Momiji slumps to the ground as you turn your back on her and pull your pistol from it's holster on your thigh and raise it "rejoin your comrades and get top-side, I hear a drone..." you whisper and she nods. You don't even turn to look as you hear her wooden sandals rapping off the metal floor as she runs off to find her allies. You mutter a short litany of curses as one set of feet becomes four, then seven, then thirty, and lower your pistol "Roman, what are you doing!?" Lucy asks and you turn, sprinting down the hall "It isn't worth it to try fighting them in that intersection, I'm going to lure them to those others. They seem capable enough" you say and curse again "Forgot your helmet, eh'?" Lucy asks and you glance over your right shoulder, tightening your grip on the gun in your hand. The shadows are beginning to move more quickly, pursuing you down the hall "Can't go back now..." you say and continue sprinting.
Soon enough you come to another intersection, Momiji's there, waiting for you. She begins to say something and you tackle her to the floor, roll back to your feet on your inertia, and keep running, Momiji now hanging from your shoulders and screaming something at you. "Shut up." you state simply and she does so without a word. You feel her arms tighten around your neck and she whimpers something inaudible over the sound of your boots slamming into the hard floor.
Lucy starts screaming in your ear, something about drones and C.E.U. machines everywhere and energy signals, as you kick out an emergency door and land in a heap at the bottom of the crater, Momiji on top of you, her eyes clamped shut. Over her whispered prayers you can hear concrete tearing, and drones. So many drones everywhere. You manage to force yourself to your feet and look around. It's raining, and the drones are reacting to the water. You catch a drop and examine it "It's... plastic..." you mutter, and return your pistol to it's holster. "We have to move now!" Momiji shouts as you turn to the middle of the crater and narrowly dodge a large, fleshy tentacle of twisted concrete and bio-matter.
Momiji is thrown from your shoulders and you curse, grabbing her by the back of her vest and throw her to the nearest ledge. A drone tackles you to the hard ground and begins to reconstruct it's self as it becomes immersed in the plastic-like fluid, wrapping around your body. A sharp crack splits the creature down the middle as a projectile fired from a 4000lx rail-gun tears into it, the force picking it, and you, up and tossing you aside like a rag-doll. Extracting yourself from it's husk you look around and find the four people huddling together, trying to fight off the drones as they come. One of them shouts something and turns as a mass of organic material blankets the sky.
Reality seems to peel away and converge on itself, as you catch brief glimpses of strange and nightmarish things. Your world fades into nothingness and you feel... warm. Like the sun is beating down on your body. Eventually your hearing returns, the only sound filling your ears is that of wild birds. Your world is still dark, but warm. And soft, too. You slowly raise your hand to your face and feel the bandage across your eyes, whoever made it knew what they were doing. Another memory comes back pain. Pain unlike any other, rending your body and tearing your mind. and then, as quickly as it had come it was gone.
You slowly trace around the bandage to the back of your head and untie the soft cotton material "Oh, you are alive." a female voice says. Unfamiliar but reassuring at least. "I suppose your vision has returned?" she asks and chuckles "I guess so, if you're taking the bandage off." she adds, and a small, warm hand wraps around your own, guiding you through the removal.
As the final layer falls from your face you're greeted with a blinding flash of light as your eyes readjust to the brightness "How long was I out for?" you ask and shield your eyes from the source of the blinding pain. After a while your vision returns and you find yourself sitting in a large, luxurious bed in a modestly decorated, but well maintained room that clearly isn't a crater. "After the injuries you took, you ought to be dead" the voice says as you turn to observe your saviour, and are shocked to find that it isn't Momiji or any of her ilk, but instead a fairly averagely sized girl with white hair and wearing a blue dress. "You're speaking English" you say and she turns to you, smiling coyly before turning away from you and throwing your bandage in a small pail "not everyone here feels the need to speak Japanese" she says and wipes her hands on her apron.
You wince and look at your hand. 'Still armoured?' you think and look back to her "We couldn't figure out how to get you out of your clothing, and when we tried you grew some kind of protective shell..." she said and rubbed her right hand "so we waited for five days and you healed right up, mostly anyway. Your eyes were still injured and and your bones were broken." she added and moved to the window, drawing the curtain. "Five days? That quickly?" you ask and she gasps and spins on her heel "Five days is a miracle! You shouldn't even be able to move yet!" she shouts at you.
You cock your left eye-brow and stand, rotating your shoulders and neck "I regenerate fairly quickly" you say and she nods "I noticed" she replies and pulls a golden pocket watch from her apron "Ah, I must be off. Duty calls" she says and bows before disappearing from the room, leaving several questions unanswered. You move to the window and push aside the curtain with your right hand and lean into the window frame as you survey the grounds. The manor house is massive, covering at least 60 acres, and surrounded by forest. An easily defensible location at least, with thick stone walls around the perimeter. At that point you notice three things are missing; your bike, your weapons, and your AI. You turn and almost run headlong into the girl again. She bows slightly and nods "feel free to leave this room and peruse the grounds. But return to the main hall by noon, the mistress wishes to speak with you" and with that, before you can ask another question, she vanishes again.
Looking at a clock on the wall you sigh to yourself; you've got five hours to kill before noon...
And with that part one draws to a pretty shitty close, so now it's time to take a vote! 'Cause I'm crazy like that! also, feel free to write-in for any more detail I may have left out of the given options.
Also, it seems kind of short looking at it from my end... Just musing on that...
 Check out the outside of the manor, best to know your surroundings and possible escape routes...
 Check out the inside of the manor, maybe there's someone around who can answer some questions...
 try to find your gear, the best offense is usually the best defense. and in unfamiliar territory, one can never be to safe, or too well armed...
 Sleep off the time, your shoulder still kind of hurts and you'll want to be fully cognizant when you go to speak to the "Mistress"...
 (generic write-in option, 'cause I'm lazy...)
Voting closes Thursday evening, around 9:45 Eastern time.
>"Be careful, Roman, that's a sheer drop of at least 120 feet" Your AI tells you
If you're going to use this sentence structure, you need to put a comma or some other punctuation before the closing quote.
3. Separate paragraphs for separate speakers.
4. You're going overboard with those ellipses. For example:
>That was a little over seven hours ago...
Here, a full stop would have worked just as well.
5. Some things are coming out of nowhere.
>"I think we've been heard by something truly unfriendly..."
How does he know that? Show, don't tell.
[X] Try to find your gear, the best offense is usually the best defense. And in unfamiliar territory, one can never be to safe, or too well armed.
-Italicization is [i]TEXT GOES HERE[/ i]
But without the space between "/" and "i".
-A crossover? Fantastic idea, did you plan more than just putting the characters together? Oh, you're writing a story on a bet?
-Third person becomes first person which becomes second person, PLEASE MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND!
-Did you forget all the punctuation in your other pants' pocket?
-Ok... we followed them. When? Why? How? Are we invisible? Because we apparently are, or they're blind and cannot see into a shadow in a well lit room.
-Shikeiki is not a man.
Nor are Koakuma (I think that's who you were trying to portray) or Keine/Suika/SOMEONE (Again... not sure on your descriptions.)
-THE MAGICS OF WIRELESS DNA
I'm going to assume that this is canon stuff from the manga you're crossing over, and not just bullshit you thought was possible.
-He apparently shot them in the ears. Uh... at least that's what the text says. The accompanying reactions seem to indicate he shot past their heads, although that's a retard thing to do on its own, it also directly contradicts what you just wrote.
-The mood, the character reactions... everything.
-They just watch... whoeverthefuckitis I can't even tell, fight the MC and be wounded, with no reaction. They apparently stood there. And watched.
-This is physically paining me to read it. Physically paining! And I have read goddamn META KNIGHT being brought to gensokyo.
-I offered a sample of your writing to a friend. He begged me not to paste any more, and then proceeded to put me on ignore for a while. I still haven't been able to contact him.
And that was just one person. In response to one paragraph.
-Ah yes being stabbed through the ribcage is no big deal! I'll just grab the sword, see. I'm perfectly fine. Don't even feel it, really.
-"she mutters and you arch your back, lifting the Momiji off her feet, and into the air."
THE Momiji? Look, I like her too, but... really?
I also wish my back muscles could lift a 150+ lb woman into the air. He must have great abs.
-Momiji slumps to the ground as you turn your back on her and pull your pistol from it's holster on your thigh and raise it "rejoin your comrades and get top-side, I hear a drone..." you whisper and she nods.
THERE WAS A CREAKING SOUND (That wasn't even stated)
EVERYONE BAND TOGETHER
DON'T WORRY BOUT THIS HOLE IN MY CHEST, JUST A FLESH WOUND
-TAKE A SWORD THROUGH THE RIBS, NEAR MISS WITH THE RAILGUN KNOCKS YOU OUT
I won't even get started on why a shot that powerful would kill the shooter, or severely cripple them.
-"Oh, you are alive." a female voice says.
ALL MY RAGE
ALL MY HATE
- pretty shitty close,
PRETTY SHITTY EVERYTHING
I hope this friend of yours isn't a regular here... or that you didn't show this to him beforehand. One of you needs to be beat with a baton.
Honestly? I would invite you to IRC, but I don't think I even want you there. Like, literally. Please go away or I will organize a sagebomb on your thread and drive you away, with fire, justice, and many images.
>-TAKE A SWORD THROUGH THE RIBS, NEAR MISS WITH THE RAILGUN KNOCKS YOU OUT
>I won't even get started on why a shot that powerful would kill the shooter, or severely cripple them.
To be fair the augmented humans of Biomega and Blame! take railgunshots and half their torsos blown off and still manage to survive if they don't have the heads vaped.
But the story could use a lot, a lot, a LOT of work.
Ah, summer. A time when individuals searching for Touhou-related fiction stumble haplessly upon this site, and, unaware of the standards held by its inhabitants, proceed to post content of questionable quality. As previously mentioned, visit the stickied thread in /gensokyo/, and find a proofreader. In all honestly, I would terminate this story now; it would be to your advantage to post it on fanfiction.net or some other, similar website first, to gain valuable writing experience before your confidence and self-esteem are shredded.
Before returning, please have the general direction of the story planned out, leaving only the specifics for anon to vote on; a story with little or no planning is unlikely to survive long here. Notable exceptions existed in the past, but your writing suggests you won't experience similar success.
>all of my information is what could be gleaned from some reading, the wiki, annoying fans, and some of the stories found here. I'd like to apologize in advance for shattering any hopes, dreams, childhood-innocence, and fanon that may or may not be entirely true.
Don't be so arrogant, man. I want to slap you for that attitude.
As someone else said, Take this to fanfiction.net and see what happens from there. Many people will give shitty reviews, but on the offchance someone actually gives you a good review, you'd learn a lot. Now as someone else also advised, You really shouldn't continue this story, at least not here. It'll end up in flame, hates, and all other sorts of things that you really would not want.
Also beat your friend with a lead pipe. Twenty fucking times over.
Where the hell did you get the idea that you could just stick dialogue together with no punctuation like that? It's awkward and looks like run-on sentences.
>I won't spoil anything for those who might want to read it, but I highly recommend reading it if you aren't squeamish.
If you don't expect your audience to have read it, why are you throwing characters and sci-fi tech at us with no explanations? What's an "N5SV infected drone"?
>you mutter, trailing off as your short black hair falls into your eyes, obscuring you vision slightly
>You close your eyes and smile briefly before grabbing the girl's sword "Listen, dear. If you leave now, I promise I won't chase after you" you says and nod. She gulps loudly, obviously terrified of confronting you like this "y-y-you shouldn't-... shouldn't even be able to move..." she mutters and you arch your back, lifting the Momiji off her feet, and into the air. "Not only that, but..." you say, trailing off "I think we've been heard by something truly unfriendly..." you add and pull the blade from your body as you turn to the hall you came down, and lower the girl to the floor.
Why is he telling her to leave, picking her up (by arching his back? what), talking to her like she's on his team, pulling the blade out of his chest, and then putting her down and telling her to leave again? Again, I haven't read Biomega, does this guy usually make friends by getting stabbed? Is picking someone up like a hug in their universe? What the fuck is going on.
>so now it's time to take a vote! 'Cause I'm crazy like that!
Deviantart-level sense of humor. You must be on crack to be so crazy!!! LOLXD
Okay, seriously, you need to lurk the fuck more, learn punctuation, and learn how to write to an audience. Your story sucks and your bet is lost. Good day, sir.