Eientei and Lunar Capital
Forest of Magic and Flower Fields
Hakurei Border and Afterlife
Hakurei Shrine, Human Village and Myouren Temple
Scarlet Devil Mansion and Misty Lake
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Underground and Makai
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A Grumpy Fairy Asked for a Short
2014/10/08 (Wed) 03:55
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Kazuko by Rapestove
[18:35:06] <%Dan_Maku> Warriors do that thing where you dress as a flatchested bunny, right
[18:36:45] <HalaxisWasPhone> Dan yeah.
[18:36:47] <HalaxisWasPhone> Sure
[18:37:03] <HalaxisWasPhone> Kazuki in a bunny outfit when?
[18:38:28] <%Dan_Maku> When someone writes me some Kazuko
[18:41:26] <HalaxisWasPhone> Dan. There once was a fairy named Kazuko. She was swept off her feet by the tall and handsome dragon gatekeeper of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. Then they fucked happily ever after.
[18:41:32] <HalaxisWasPhone> The end
[18:41:39] <Rally> 10/10
[18:41:47] <Rally> I will never read a better story in all my life
[18:41:59] <%Dan_Maku> APPLY YOURSELF
You are Kazuko Cherrypicker, and you are grumpy.
Not just, grumpy, but grumpy grumpy, with a grumpy frown etched across your fairy face.
It was your thing. Daiyouske was the big brother for all the fairies, Cirno was the childish younger brother, and you, you were grumpy. So grumpy that if those asshole dwarfs walked by, they could replace Grumpy with you, and the dwarves would be surprised at how their fellow dwarf somehow managed to become even grumpier. You were the title holder of grumpy and damn proud of it, as that bridge princess found out when she walked by. She thought she was grumpy? You showed her. You put on the grumpiest frown you could and gave her your patented grumpy stare. Bridge princess ran away in tears, brimming with jealousy at your superior grumpiness. You were the god-damn fairy queen of grumpy and damn well all the fairies knew it, because you were the one dealing with all their shit day in and day out. That's the thing that separated you from the bridge princess. She merely adopted the grumpy. You were born in it, raised in it. All your grumpiness? It was justified. It was real. It even brought all the fairies to the yard.
As for today? The chucklefuck in the mansion over the lake thought it was a good idea to spew thick mist in the sky. The blood red mist was thicker than the Great Fairy's thighs, and the fat bitch was huge. The thought of Great Fairy's thighs was reason enough to be grumpy for the day, but add in the smoke blocking out the Sun? You were livid. It was a bright Sunday. The kind of comfy Sunday where you nap in the sun beneath wispy clouds and laze about with booze and not do anything. And that's what you had planned: to do nothing. Hell,you made
to clear out today, specifically so you could spend it doing nothing. Your schedule for today was already packed, and now some smart-ass vampire with far too much time was fucking it up, and the damn cloudy weather was making your leg ache. Now those were reasons to be grumpy. See? Always justified grumpy.
So you got up from your comfy grumpy-time chair, popped your hip bone back in place, popped it in again when it didn't want to stay in, and cracked your knuckles. You immediately regretted that last bit. Your knuckles cracked, that's for sure. Even made that wonderful cracking sound. They also literally cracked and that hurt like fucking Hell, leaving you sprawling on the floor and screaming bloody murder until your Fairy regeneration kicked in.
You somehow managed to fly out of your home without further incident. Even managed to make it across the lake. You didn't even piss off the merfolk beneath the waves. Usually those Atlantis lords were happy to recall up their ancestors and chase after uppity "invaders" on the surface. It wasn't until the mansion gate that you were impeded by something big and huge. Mostly because you flew right smack into the sleeping gate guard.
The funny thing about fairies. They're small. And you? You weren't the tallest of the bunch either. And the gatekeeper? He was tall. Real tall. And that height difference had you blushing crimson at the current moment, because you were face first into his junk. Summerfree would be proud. Mostly like whooping too. You could see her smug face in your mind, grinning as she threw you a thumbs up. It just made you grumpier.
"mrrrgh, who there" the gatekeeper lazily opened an eye. You looked up to match his sleepy gaze.
Tall, strong chin, chiseled muscles, dressed in poofy pants and oriental shirt, a calm, sunny aura that brightened up even this gloomy weather,
. By God he was gorgeous. You glanced at his name tag,
. You made sure to note that down. You were not letting a redhead go. Settling into a low hover, you slowly drifted towards the ajar gate. You made it one flutter into the mansion grounds before a strong hand grabbed you from behind.
"And where do you think you're going, Miss... uh?" Meiling was wide awake, his eyes glowing with fire as he stared you down. Despite that, you could fill a chill in the air as the former warmth around the gatekeeper quickly left Gensokyo. You took in a long look at his face, memorizing the details, and tried your damn fucking hardest to fight back the blush creeping up your face. You were a sour "cherrypicker" not a sweet "cherry tomato".
"Kazuko," you replied, "Kazuko Cherrypicker."
"Cherrypicker? That's an odd name. Wait, cherrypicker?" You were not a fan of his sly smile. Well no. You were a fan of his smile, you'd bet it was dreamy. He was an attractive redhead. His smile had to be dreamy. But not this mischievous smile. "Do you hunt vir-"
"NO." Goddammit it Summerfree, you were going to make your self-proclaimed (and actual though you'd never admit) best-friend and "wingman" pay for that title. That was not what happened with Clover. Everything was innocent. Dammit you just picked cherries and not in that sense. Also you lied to yourself. You were a fan of his mischievous smile. Lesser fairies would have swooned; you wouldn't have blamed them
"Got it, got it. So, Miss Kazuko" he asked, "tell me, why so eager to sneak into the lord's mansion? We do take appointments. The Scarlet Devil is happy to accept all humans and youkai who understand his power and influence."
"I'm here," you say, "to tell the rich vampire boss of yours to quit it with the red mist! It's annoying! Today was supposed to be spent doing nothing! I worked hard to make sure I could spend today doing nothing! And then your master goes and screws it all up. Dammit he's wasting away a perfectly good Sunday afternoon!"
You were not expecting the look of understanding on the gate guard's face, or him to start vigorously nodding.
"You're pretty good, Miss Kazuko" he said, "it's wonderful to meet another who understands the beauty of a mid-day nap. Unfortunately miss, the Mansion isn't accepting any visitors at the moment. I'm sure the Scarlet Devil will be happy to hear your concerns after today's opera-"
"I'msosorryaboutthis," You chose that moment to interrupt him by driving your knee into his balls, a "Grumpy Sign: Fairy Daddy Killer," as Summerfree liked to call it. You put every bit of magical fairy power into your knee as you drove it home, the impact resounding in a clear, cracking tone that pierced the sky.
"SONOFAFUCKINGBITCHWHATINTHEFUCKINGFUCK!" The clear, cracking tone was your foot shattering into a hundred pieces from the impact of kicking something very, very hard, (the sick pervert). For the second time today, you found yourself face first in the ground, screaming in pain and clutching your leg, as you waited for your regeneration to kick in. "WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS IN YOUR PANTS THAT'S THAT FUCKING HARD MEILING?!"
"Dragonblood, hun," Meiling wasn't even fazed from the impact of your "Grumpy Sign: Fairy Daddy Killer". In fact, he was looking rather pleased with himself. "Skin hard as steal and blood burning hot. Makes for comfy winters! It's going to take a lot more than a fairy to break down an old warri-"
Let it be known that Kazuko Cherrypicker does not do fair. At your size, you really couldn't afford to in the first place. You wound up and delivered the best hay-maker you could, right into Meiling's sternum mid monologue. The gatekeeper flew through the gate, through the expensive and well manicured gardens, and through the mansion's front doors themselves.
"Huh..." You stared at your fist as you rotated it back in. "He didn't fly so good. Fairy power, asshole." You popped the bones back in as you fluttered to the, now open, mansion doors. "Wait. Fuck. I didn't get his number. Wait. Why would I ask for his number? I don't have a phone," You were talking to yourself again. It was a bad habit, but you couldn't blame yourself.
. "Does he have a phone? If has a number, then maybe I should get a phone..."
Elsewhere, in the wreckage of the grand hall of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, Marisa Kirisame untangled himself from the ruins of the marble staircase he had apparently exploded. Unintentionally of course, the laws of motion were Newton's fault, not his. He grabbed his hat, fluttering down after being knocked off its rightful place on his head, and was still wondering what the Hell he ran over this time.
2014/10/08 (Wed) 04:03
I never thought I'd see the day where Halaxis writes something...
Write more stuff like this for other stories, I'd pay good money to see Wizard in this style.
>[18:41:39] <Rally> 10/10
>[18:41:47] <Rally> I will never read a better story in all my life
>Implying Ral has good taste.
2014/10/08 (Wed) 04:37
Well I'll be goddamned.
2014/10/08 (Wed) 05:37
Uh Wander, I've written for the story contests before...
2014/10/08 (Wed) 14:18
How do we get confused all the time? I'm far worse than he is, in writing and general terribleness.
I realize you were probably trolling me, as you are wont to do.
Also, Hal, I forgot that you wrote for the contests. I sorta don't pay attention to who writes what.
2014/10/08 (Wed) 14:35
Oh fuck, you're joking. I got you two confused again?
Thirty Terawatt Satellite Cannon
2014/10/08 (Wed) 15:03
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FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MONTRESSOR
what did you dooooo
2014/10/08 (Wed) 15:15
Terrible things. Horrible and terrible things for the sake of bad jokes and grumpy moe.
Waiting for more FoSL though!
2014/10/08 (Wed) 22:37
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me you little bitch?
[spoilers]I was being sarcastic though.[/spoilers]
2014/10/08 (Wed) 22:41
Fuck. I'm going to go die now.
2014/10/09 (Thu) 05:03
You seem to have made a bit of a mistake in your post. Luckily, the users of THP are always willing to help you clear this problem right up! Try reading the intro thread on
you fucking faggot.
Now, there's no need to thank me - I'm just doing my bit to help you get used to THP!
2014/10/09 (Thu) 05:11
I've read that thing like 10 times over, I just fucked up the spoiler tag.
2014/10/10 (Fri) 10:28
FUCKED UP THE SPOILER TAG LIKE YOU FUCK UP EVERYTHING ELSE
2014/10/10 (Fri) 10:38
OKAY SO I JUST FINISHED READING THIS AND WE'RE GOING TO HAVE SOME FUCKIN' WORDS
>"Skin hard as steal and blood burning hot. Makes for comfy winters! It's going to take a lot more than a fairy to break down an old warri-"
HOLY SHIT YOU GODDAMNED ILLITERATE DO YOU NOT KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PILFERING THINGS IN A PROBABLY LESS-THAN-LEGAL MANNER AND A HARD METAL
>"NO." Goddammit it Summerfree
WHAT THE FUCK
>"Got it, got it. So, Miss Kazuko" he asked
>"mrrrgh, who there" the gatekeeper lazily opened an eye.
>"You're pretty good, Miss Kazuko" he said,
>"it's wonderful to meet another
>"I'msosorryaboutthis," You chose that
PUNCTUATION AND PROPER CAPITALIZATION
>I don't have a phone," You were talking to yourself again
HOLY SHIT YOU GODDAMNED ILLITERATE DO YOU JUST SLAM ON KEYS AND HOPE THEY MAKE SOMETHING COHERENT
The story was pretty good but come on man this is basic shit that you shouldn't fuck up. One or two is a mistake, this many is just laziness.
2014/10/10 (Fri) 14:31
>this many is just laziness.
Dude, it's Hal. It was probably on purpose because he is terrible.
Don't worry Hal, I still
am okay with you.
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