Hello, this is probably my first proper CYOA. It'll mostly be for laughs. We'll see how far I can go with this.
Premise: Yumemi has never held a drink before in her life...until last night. And now it's today and she doesn't remember a thing. She can't hold anything down either. But that's the least of her worries. Yesterday before her first glass she was just a jobless professor. Today she may or may not have bedded half of Gensokyo and the other half want her dead. CHIYURIIII!!!
Without further ado....
I woke up. I quickly regretted doing this.
"...Oh god...." It wasn't a prayer. It was more of a curse, one aimed at....what, exactly? The pain? The nausea? The world?
The world will do. Damn you, world. Stop shaking. And spinning. And going all...URGH....
Speaking of the damned world, where in the world....
"....URGH" The question never left my lips. Something else almost did, but I stopped myself just in time. I gasped, bending over, hand protectively cupped over my lips, half-worried that the next thing to come out would be my brain. My poor brain.
Deep breaths. It's okay. It's okay, It's....
...not okay after all...
"Uuh...my clothes...?" I panted, looking for something, anything, to distract myself. It worked. A new source of panic rose as I groped about my person. "...where are they?" I groaned. Wait, it's alright, I told herself. This much was alright. While I don't normally go to sleep in the nude, I occasionally do wake up so, especially if Chiyuri had anything to do with this. This is fine. Just need to grope around some more and find them. Maybe they're under my blanke-....
"Oh....oh no..." I muttered, groping something that probably wasn't my pillow, my blanket, and definitely not my clothes. It was fine, silky, made up of many loose strands....
[ ] Please, please let that be a mop. A beautiful long golden blonde mop. Please let it just be a mo-...okay, it's not a mop.
[ ] Please, please let that be a mop. A beautiful, short silver blonde mop. Please let it just be a mo-...okay, it's not a mop.
[ ] Please, please let that be a mop. A beautiful, long silky silver blonde mop. Please let it just be a mo-...okay, it's not a mop.
[ ] Please, please let that be a mop. A beautiful, long, straight green mop. Please let it just be a mo-...okay, it's not a mop.
[ ] Please, please let that be a mop. A beautiful, short, silky green mop. Please let it just be a mo-...okay, it's not a mop.
[ ] Please, please let that be a mop. A beautiful, short, curly green mop. Please let it just be a mo-...okay, it's not a mop.
[ ] Please, please let that be a mop. A beautiful, short, silky violet mop. Please let it just be a mo-...okay, it's not a mop.
[X] Please, please let that be a mop. A totally normal but apparently unused mop. Please let it just be a mo-...okay, it's a mop.
-[X] But then what is that beautiful, short, silky violet mop-like object you can see over there?
Scorch marks. Do you know how difficult it is to scrape them off a classroom floor? E=MC2 difficult! Just to illustrate how difficult it is, I've been kneeling here for a good part of the afternoon with a scrub brush trying to scour it clean.
And the best part is? Those kids will be back tomorrow for spellcard 101 again and at least half a dozen of them will 'missfire' inside the classroom. 'Missfire' on the butt end of the Bosche equation, I dare you. I'll show you 'missfire', you little Maxwell Demons, when you find yourself solving the tangent on a parabolic curve firsthand from the business end of a flying smackdown.
Spellcards! Teaching children spellcards! Like this class has nothing better to teach young eager albeit slightly deranged minds?! I mean, a good stroll through Mandebrot Space or a foray into the exciting realm of Faraday's fields would do young minds so much more good than teaching them violent air traffic control! The barbarism this world subjects its most wondrous gift of magic to, such a shame! Such a waste! If I had it...If I...
I look down at my own hands, long since lost the smooth chalky look of a college professor's, now callused by hard labour and wrinkled with cheap scouring soap and dirty water. If only these hands could wrought magic of their own. That is, without my now dead Hyperspace Probability Vessel. Perhaps I wouldn't be called a 'heretic'. Heck, I'd be back home, completing the Universal Theorem bound by my fifth force, 'Magic'. I'd be delivering lectures to packed auditoriums filled with people willing to stand at the door to listen. I'd be fighting down invitations to conferences and interviews. I'd...
"Miss Okazaki." A voice calls out to me.
"What is i-...oh, yes, Lady Kamishirasawa? How can I help?" I stopped myself just in time, remembering just what my place is here, a mere part-time teaching assistant and part-time janitor. I turn to face my boss here, Kamishirasawa Keine, headmistress and head teacher of the human village's, perhaps even Gensokyo's, biggest, best and only school. As usual, everything from her bright blue eyes, long, bluish silver hair and even her matching blue and white dress project an indomitably serene yet commanding presence, one that can silence an entire classroom with a single cough.
"I'm sorry, I just felt I had to mention this before the day is out." She began, looking uncertain. This wasn't going to be good, I could tell. "The parents have been talking again." Oh, this. "You've been teaching the children, well, ideas that aren't considered part of their curriculum." I groan inwardly. "Again." I double groan.
Ah, yes, 'heresy', such a difficult word for someone so wonderfully emphatic. Science is considered 'heretical' here in this land. Except when it's wielded by kappa, but apparently that's alright as kappa magic holds them together.
"Any sufficiently advanced science is indistinguishable from magic." I began, before faltering rather quickly. "Err...what I meant was....I'm sorry, Lady Kamishirasawa." I cracked pretty quickly under her silent stare. "I-It won't happen again." I whimpered. "Promise." I whispered, holding my breath.
"Now, I do not disagree that a knowledge of such matters could open up people's minds in so many ways. However, our world isn't quite, well, perhaps the word is 'ready', Miss Okazaki." Keine said, kindly, her gaze softening. "To be told that little bits of a sunflower react to light to move it towards sunlight when we can quite visibly see the fairies turning them this way and that, well, you understand the matter here."
Yes, I do, all too well. My knowledge here is useless. I am useless. One without magic, who doesn't know the first thing of holding a hoe or feeding a needle can never hope to be someone, anyone, in this place. That Lady Kamishirasawa decided she needed someone to wipe the floor and blackboard clean for her and was willing to pay someone to do it, well, I suppose I should count my blessings.
I must have worn my thoughts on my face as at that moment the lovely schoolteacher seemed to drop her 'strict schoolteacher' look altogether, reaching forwards and laying a hand on my shoulder comfortingly. "Miss Okazaki, it's only been 6 months since you arrived here and already you've taken so well to Gensokyo."
Yes, not getting eaten for a whole 6 months is quite an achievement here, so I'm told. I keep this to myself though.
"You've made it this far, I'm sure you will go even further." She said, encouragingly. "Once you've gotten to know the land, met some more of its people, you'll fit in just perfectly."
So in someone's heart or someone's stomach, got it.
"Tell you what, everyone's gathering at a party tonight."
And I'm not invited. Figures.
"And I'm inviting you."
Last minute. Shucks, you shouldn't have.
"You'll be able to meet lots of interesting people there. All of Gensokyo's most fascinating characters will be attending. Oh, and there'll be alcohol."
Like that's supposed to sell me. I don't drink. Never understood the need to dampen one's faculties.
"I understand Suika managed to find some very, very rare wine. Lots of it. She's actually offered to share. You can't miss it."
"So, do please come?"
"Please? For me?"
Dammit, Lady Kamishirasawa.
Please, please let that be a mop. long silky silver blonde mop. Please let it just be a mo-...okay, it's not a mop.
That wasn't a prayer either. I mean, it's a goddess. An actual goddess. There's a goddess in my bed, next to me. And I don't mean it in the nonsensical juvenile 'I-just-got-laid-and-she-was-a-goddess' sense. I mean it in the very literal 'smiting-and-damnation' kind of goddess. The all powerful goddess of Makai, Shinki, kind of goddess. In her birthday suit, in my bed, next to me.
Is this even my bed?
No strawberry motifs all over. No burn marks from Chiyuri's gun. No tears from Ruukoto's clumsiness. Yes, it's not mine.
Oh, where was I?
Oh goddess, there is a goddess next to me, oh goddessohohnonospacetimeofgeneralrelativityisafunctionoftheabsolutescalarcurvaturebythevolumelementbyapplyingvariationalprincipleto...
I almost jumped out of my skin. Considering all I was wearing was my skin, this was actually plausible.
"Mistress Okazaki?" a muffled voice called out from behind what looked like a sliding door. "Mistress Okazaki, your most humble servant begs your pardon. May I intrude? Yes, off course I can. Thank you, M'lady."
This time I actually did jump out of my skin. Panic! Chaos and Quantum breakdown! Entropy and Infinity! WhatdoIdowhatdoIdowhatdoIdowhatwouldEinsteindowhatwouldFaradaydowhatdoIdowhatdoIdo....
[ ] Dispose of the evidence! There's a convenient window nearby large enough for a body to go through. There can be only one solution!
[ ] Hide the evidence! There is a storage cupboard built into the wall there large enough for a body to fit in. There can be only one solution!
[ ] Disguise the evidence! There is a cardboard box nearby with enough cramped space for one occupant. There can only be one solution!
[ ] Bury the evidence! There is a large potted plant nearby that might just about fit a goddess. There can only be one solution!
[ ] Hide the evidence! Wake up the slumbering goddess, tell her to go hide herself.
[ ] "Come in" Calm down. There is nothing to hide. This is what normal people do. In bed. At night. Together. Isn't it?
[ ] Write-in
[X] Bury the evidence! There is a large potted plant nearby that might just about fit a goddess. There can only be one solution!
-[X] Wait, you're also evidence. Cardboard box ahoy!
I like the cardboard box idea, but that only deals with one of the two pressing problems. Clearly we have to hide EVERYTHING. And there's no way that a giant pile of dirt and an un-potted (or poorly re-potted) plant will be suspicious.
It's was that or the window, because it reminded me of a /tg/ anecdote.
("I loot the body!"
"What body? You threw the kidnapper out the window."
"I loot the princess, if you know what I mea-"
"And you're also thrown out the window.")