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29742 No. 29742
Well, here goes nothing. After finally being convinced into trying it out, and working up my nerve, I've put it up... if there's things you think I need to work on or you don't really like about my writing style, please give nice advice... I'm rather lacking in self-confidence already, so please don't be too harsh on me.

That aside, here's the story...


...it's dark. Whispering voices float through your head, and yet you see nothing. Scattered bits of conversation, brief moments of hearing voices filled with confusion... it seems surreal. Foggily drifting through your own thoughts, trying to sort out just where you are and who these people are, you hear a scream.

Your mind is instantly alert, though the darkness doesn't fade. You're dreaming. Asleep in... somewhere, with who knows what going on outside... the voices build to a climax, becoming panicked, worried, full of terror as they're accompanied by the sound of people running for their lives. Whatever it is, something bad is happening. And you're not awake to see it. Desperately strugging against your own mind, you try to wake up. If something has scared these people so much, then you're probably in danger as well! 'This is no time to be sleeping!' you think to yourself, but it doesn't end. The darkness grows a more malevolent presence, as if something is holding you in this subconscious state. You try to fight against it, but the power is just too overwhelming... There's a constant urge growing in the back of your mind to just rest.

"You're okay," it tells you. "If you were in danger, you'd have felt pain by now." But as tempting as it is, it's also obviously a trap. People screaming... dying... the sounds of a desperate struggle rise around you, as you remain asleep, trapped in the darkness like a corpse.

...Is that why you can't seem to wake up? You're dead? It's not like you'd know what death is like, so the worry begins to creep into your mind, shaking your resolve and strengthening the darkness. Your mind screams out at you "No, no!" But you can't help but start to sink back into unconsciousness.

'If I'm really dead... maybe I should just rest. Better than hearing the voices of those dying around me forever.' You think. And so the darkness pulls you to sleep, one that you don't feel like waking from for a long, long, time...


...Sun beats down on your face. The harsh light is unforgiving rousing you from your sleep. At first, you being to look back on that crazy dream you were having... and then something catches your eye. You're in what appears to be a building. ...'Appears to be', because of all the moss, vines, and plants growing in it. Wherever you've just woken up, it's been ruined for a long time.

It looks... normal. At least, normal enough for when you fell asleep. Architecture-wise, that is. It's not some relic of the ancient past, carved out of stone... it's a fairly normal office building-looking place, or at least it was. Just... how long were you asleep there? And what caused the building to be abandoned like this? Nothing adds up... but you're sure there has to be answers somewhere.

Your first instinct is to check for records of some kind. This is an office building... you think... so there has to be some kind of information in it. Quickly looking around, you find a few desks, grown over with foliage. The drawers of one are totally overgrown with vines, and without some kind of cutting tool, there's no way for you to get through them to what's inside.

惻Heading over to the next desk, you pull it open with some difficulty, and find nothing but a nest of bugs and papers that have long since faded into dust for your efforts. After recoiling in shock from the sudden group of insects in one drawer, you head towards the last one. You know what they say, third time's the charm. You tell yourself, but the contents are equally ruined.

After giving up in frustration, your attention is drawn by a scream seeming to come from below you. It's higher pitched, feminine - a girl's in trouble, but in this place?! While you do want to go to help them, you don't know if it's the most wise thing to do. You have no weapons to defend yourself with, and nothing around looks useable, but at the same time this may be your only chance to meet someone who knows what's going on. There's no time to waste either way, though so you...

[ ] Write-in (Expect most of my things to be writeins, I have the most fun when the readers have a larger control over storyflow.)

>> No. 29743
[X] Look for source of voice in order to progress the plot.
>> No. 29744
[x] Look for source of voice in order to progress the plot.

Nothing else to do than look what is going on.
>> No. 29745
[X] Look for source of voice in order to progress the plot
>> No. 29747
[X] Look for source of voice in order to progress the plot

>> No. 29748
[X] Look for source of voice in order to progress the plot

Didn't notice any typos so you're fine there, and there's nothing wrong with your writing style. I'd say you're A-OK.
>> No. 29750
[X] Follow the plot hook
>> No. 29751
File 128814411056.jpg - (37.85KB , 314x230 , her.jpg ) [iqdb]
Thanks... glad no one isn't opposed to it already. But, it's not like the "obvious" choice is the only one that progresses the plot. There's other options avalible always - this is why I prefer write-ins compared to "[ ] Obvious choice, [ ] Ignore Obvious Choice".

That said, here's the next part.


...what kind of decision is that? Of course you've got to go help her. You can't just ignore someone's plight because you feel like it, and besides, they might be able to answer all these questions going through your head. Dashing quickly in the direction of the voice, you weave your way through hanging vines and work slowly down a largely ruined staircase. As you near the room, you hear growling and panting - the sounds of a large animal, followed by groans of effort and forceful shouts as the girl either ran from or fought this beast. And suddenly, you catch a glimpse of her as she runs past you, everything seeming to slow to a halt.

She was, for lack of a better word, beautiful. However, her red and white ragged clothes, worn through and torn through with various holes revealed that not only did she have several visible scars, but quite a bit more that could only be hinted at through the odd changes in skin color in some of the places that it was torn. Long black hair, tied into a ponytail, flowed behind her as she ran. Her piercing blue eyes caught yours for a moment, and with a panicked look, one word was exchanged as she headed past...


It was soon apparent why - the moment she was past the intersection, the beast that had been following her darted past in hot pursuit. It was... nothing like that which you had ever seen. At first it seemed to be a tiger, but it's face was distinctly more humanlike, and it had two long, scaly, snakelike tails. Whatever this thing was... it definitely wasn't a normal animal at all.

It passes you without looking down your branch of the hallway, too intently locked onto its previous target. As it leaves your sight, you wonder just what to do - heeding her advice looks tempting, but would you really turn and flee after making up your mind to assist her?

[ ] Write-in, if trying to fight/escape, please include a small bit of detail on how to do so.
>> No. 29752
anon isn't great at write ins and not all choices work like that; not if written correctly.
>> No. 29753

I know, I know. That's just how some of the most important ones seem to come down to from what I've seen outside of a certain person's story.
>> No. 29754
[x] Find a makeshift weapon.
[x] Pursue and take it by surprise. If it bleeds, it can be killed. Maybe.

Decent grammar thus far. What sort of tone will this story have? Dark, gloomy, happy, etc.
>> No. 29755

More than likely it will be somewhat dark for a while (You're in the ruins of the civilization you belonged to, and there are strange beasts running around, the first other main character you're introduced to has a bunch of scars, obviously things won't be too cheerful for a while), but you can change things for the better once you've pieced more of what's happened together.
>> No. 29756
[x] Find a makeshift weapon.
[x] Pursue and take it by surprise. If it bleeds, it can be killed. Maybe.
>> No. 29757

Sounds good to me.
>> No. 29759
Just try not to use the 'Complete Monster' version of Yukari. That version has made Anon opinion of her whenever she first enters a story kind-of poor.
>> No. 29764

Don't worry about that.
>> No. 29866
My computer breaks for a week, leaving me without any way to get online, and I come back to find that I still don't even have enough votes to continue...
>> No. 29867
[x] Find a makeshift weapon.
[x] Pursue and take it by surprise. If it bleeds, it can be killed. Maybe.

Yeah, well, activity has been a little low on the site as of late, plus historically, write in only stories tend to have lesser votes than other sotries.
>> No. 29868

True. I'm not really trying to blame anyone, just comment on my absence.
>> No. 29915
[x] Find a makeshift weapon.
[x] Pursue it!
>> No. 29916
[x] Find a makeshift weapon.
[x] Pursue and take it by surprise. If it bleeds, it can be killed. Maybe.
>> No. 29917
[x] Find a makeshift weapon.
[x] Pursue and take it by surprise. If it bleeds, it can be killed.
You use too many ellipses in your writing. You wouldn't happen to be Karesh in disguise, would you?
>> No. 29924
[x] Find a makeshift weapon.
[x] Pursue and take it by surprise. If it bleeds, it can be killed.
>> No. 30096
[x] Find a makeshift weapon.
[x] Pursue and take it by surprise. If it bleeds, it can be killed.

This story should have more traffic. As >>29867 said, giving anon choices to pick from would help a bit, even if they're obvious right/wrong, left/right sort of choices.
>> No. 30217
Updates. New stories die for lack of them.
This didn't get more than 2 updates before it stalled.

What the hell.