Eientei and Lunar Capital
Forest of Magic and Flower Fields
Hakurei Border and Afterlife
Hakurei Shrine, Human Village and Myouren Temple
Scarlet Devil Mansion and Misty Lake
Youkai Mountain and Heaven
Underground and Makai
not a color we know
Hakurei Border & Afterlife
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2010/11/10 (Wed) 06:34
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"Yes, Chen. I think it's okay though. You're a big girl now. You can take care of yourself."
...that was the day where it all began. When Master Ran told me I wasn't going to be her shikigami anymore.
I was a good few hundred years old by that time. I could have easily taken care of myself then, just as she said.
But...that wasn't why I was sad.
"No! Don't leave me! Y-You're-"
"Chen. I don't know when I'll see you again, but I promise, I won't be gone forever."
Master Ran and Master Yukari went somewhere...I don't even remember anymore. But they had to leave Gensokyo. Maybe they didn't, actually...I don't remember. My memory of that is very fuzzy.
"But...but...who will I..."
"You have your friends to keep you company right?" ...my friends... "Even if you lose them, I'm sure you could make new ones." ...new friends... "I know that no matter what, you will not feel alone in this world. I have faith in you, Chen."
...even if I had friends...I still felt alone...
My friends were a tight circle of other young youkai I had kept close to my heart. Wriggle, Mystia, Rumia, Cirno, they were a group I could never let go. After Master Ran left, they were all I had, so they took me in and we had lots of fun together. We didn't play the same games we played when we were smaller, but we were inseperable.
...or, well, so I thought, anyways...
"Why are you always so bitter?! Look at yourself!"
"I haven't changed, it's you who's changed! What makes you think you can be so clingy all the time?!"
...maybe she was right. Maybe I had gotten bitter...
"All I want is a hug once in a while, is that so much to ask?!"
"You ask for them all the damn time, Mystia! I'm tired of you depressing everyone over it so much!"
She was just having a hard time...instead of helping her with it I just rejected her...what was I thinking?
"Depressing everyone...yeah, maybe you're right. I've felt isolated from what you guys do all the time so maybe I should just leave!"
...Mystia leaving was the beginning of the end for our little group. I started feeling withdrawl after she left...I forgot how close to her I got over the years and took it all for granted. Wriggle later on started hanging out with a different group from ours more then us, we tried to get along with her group but in the end, it just wasn't the same, and like Mystia before us, we just felt isolated from their real activities. The 'group leader' Wriggle admired was a charming old lady with hair very much like her's and a fascination with flowers.
In the end, we couldn't match up to that.
Rumia eventually left our group for undetermined reasons. She just eventually grew to enjoy being alone I guess. She was growing up, becoming a hunter of sorts. She didn't feel the need for companionship anymore. So...it was just me and Cirno.
"Listen, Letty's been thinking about seeing what the outside world was like..."
That's right...where Master Ran and Master Yukari disappeared into...
"Really? Are you gonna go with her?"
"Of course! Letty's been there for me since...well, ever! But uh..."
Cirno grew up pretty laid back and simple. She was still dependant on Letty though. Our friendship was very important to each other because we were the only ones of our group really left. Even thought we had grown up, our childhood memories stayed the same...
"Sounds like fun. I hope you two have a good time."
"You're not coming with us, Chen?"
"...no, I have to wait for Master Ran and Master Yukari. Besides, they told me I should make something of myself here in Gensokyo for when they return, I still haven't done that."
"...I see. That's...too bad..."
Cirno was really looking forward to me sticking by her side until the end, but I just couldn't do it...I'm so sorry...
Time passed. Sometime before Cirno left, we had a fight about how me not coming with her was an act of cowardice on my side for not coming with her to find Master Ran and Master Yukari. I kinda blew it off, because we had fights before, before we always made up so well after them. I should've been more worried, that only happens when you see each other again. I turned my back on Cirno and never looked back...
I tried filling Master Ran and Master Yukari's roles. Of course, I could never be anywhere near the important person Master Yukari was, but I tried to have a sense of authority after a while. I wanted to be successful, just like they wanted me to be. I eventually created a group of youkai that stood up for itself and even had a bit of political power in the coming of Gensokyo's next years, following the industrial revolution the goddess Kanako started. I had my own following, and loyal subordinates that would always beckon to my call. It was what I had always dreamed of, something I had worked my whole life for finally bore fruit.
...and yet...I didn't feel whole. I didn't feel complete. Was it because Master Ran and Master Yukari wasn't here to praise me for my work well done? No...that was a factor, but it wasn't quite it...no matter how many people I had under my wing I really wasn't close to any of them. I still felt truly alone. I realized what I had missed, and what I had thrown away...
Walking down the stone streets of Gensokyo, passing by the many, many civilians walking to and fro...all the same. None of them care about me. I could have the world at my finger tips and it would not erase the deep, dark feeling of loneliness I harbored...and then...
"Hey, glad you could make it!"
"Yeah, I was busy trying to get things together, sorry~"
There they were.
"So what's the plan for today?"
"You called us out here and didn't even have a plan?"
All my old friends...Wriggle, Mystia, Rumia, Cirno...
"What do you expect from me? It's enough that we just hang out together, right?"
I stared in sheer awe at the four of them so casually dressed, smiling, having fun with each other's mere presence. Sure enough, it was them, just as we were hundreds of years ago, as if nothing had truly changed...
...except for one thing...
"...hey, Cirno, what are you staring at?" Cirno had locked eyes with me for a few moments, as Mystia asked her what she was looking at. She was looking at me. Before Mystia turns to see, Cirno grabs her with a bright smile on her face and drags the group away...
"Nothing! Hey, let's go see what's new at the cafe down the street, huh?"
There, alone I stood...I don't think...even Master Ran's smile...could cheer me up now...
I threw away the one thing that was most important to my heart. I regret it with every ounce of feeling within it.
...and I could not bear the pain I had wrought upon it, so please...please forgive this idiot cat for ruining the perfect friendship she had with people she had treasured most...
I'll get back to updating soon, I promise
2010/11/10 (Wed) 06:54
Feels sad man. So damn sad...
Good to hear you're still alive.
2010/11/10 (Wed) 07:23
Damn it I want to know what happens next.
2010/11/10 (Wed) 07:50
Well, that was depressing.
2010/11/10 (Wed) 09:00
OP's picture has always bothered me the fuck up because I have always had this sneaking suspicion that "Don Orange" is supposed to read "Don Chen".
...I'm sorry. I ruined the atmosphere.
2010/11/10 (Wed) 12:59
I am already crying a river. Mission accomplished, I suppose.
2010/11/10 (Wed) 14:44
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>...that was the day where it all began. When Master Ran told me I wasn't going to be her shikigami anymore.
2010/11/10 (Wed) 17:01
2010/11/10 (Wed) 17:54
Are you okay? I'm afraid you must tell me more details unto the nature of your injury, so that I might swiftly determine the proper course of action.
In other words.
Stop posting stupid shit. Saying "owwww." is an entirely worthless post.
You're an eyesore.
2010/11/11 (Thu) 10:09
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Master Ran took care of me for the longest time. Ever since I first became a nekomata. Master Ran was...diligent, kind, loyal and most of all, always full of...love. She protected me with her life. She treasured me with her soul. She...was like a surrogate mother. To me, she was my world.
"Master Ran! Master Ran!"
"Oh, what's that you have there, Chen?"
"Isn't it pretty?!"
"Yes, it is~ It's a very exotic butterfly, it seems. You're very good at catching things, aren't you Chen?"
I felt extremely lucky to have her as my Master. Most youkai who employ the use of shikigami, well...they most certainly aren't as kind as Master Ran was. Even Master Yukari was...more then neglectful at times. But Master Ran...she knew what it meant to take care of me.
"Wahh! M-Master Raaan!"
"Chen! Oh, you've really hurt yourself badly haven't you..."
"It hurts Master Ran!"
"Don't worry, I will get this fixed for you in no time."
...where did she go...
It's been hundreds and hundreds of years now since she and Master Yukari left. Gensokyo has advanced so far now, technologically. Everyone is living life in such a radically different way. Political powers are on the rise...though, the Moriya shrine is still underfoot of the Hakurei clan as always, despite Lady Kanako leading the industrial revolution. I myself have risen a small youkai group to call my own, to try and make sense of this tangled mess.
...Master Ran would be so proud...
"Your hands are all scratched up again..."
"Yes? What is it Chen?"
"...when will I get stronger?"
"...? Why are you asking something like that?"
"I want...I want servants of my own too..."
"Then rest assured, you will get that power one day. Maybe not now, but one day. You're my shikigami after all. I'm sure you're destined for greatness."
...destined...destined for what, I wonder...
I have countless servants now. If I wanted food, I would have it. If I wanted entertainment, I would get it. If I wanted sex, I would receive it, even that much I could have...but none of it is as fulfilling as I once thought...
Meeting after meeting occurs, and each one I attend I feel more and more empty on the inside. I sometimes become afraid that I don't pay enough attention to them, due to my overwhelming depression, and that I might miss something important, that could take away everything that I have. But...even so, what would it matter? Even if I had nothing, nothing would change, I would still feel just as soulless inside. No friends...no family. No love. No more, no less. Nothing would be different.
The best relationships I have outside of my followers are with the Hakurei clan. The newest child set to become the new Hakurei miko looks up to me, I believe. It's a little endearing, but I know, deep down, that this girl isn't someone I could raise. I have no one like I was to Master Ran, and there is no one like Master Ran for me. My life is an empty one, deep down. Even though I have a decent standing with the Hakurei clan, I think that might only be because of my relations to Master Yukari. I think, if not for that, I would not have even a quarter of the power that I have right now. No one would care. Not a single soul. I think about this, and it makes me wonder...would Master Ran really be proud of this? Would she really be proud of someone who got there on their relationships rather then their willpower? Could I truly say that I took effort in getting here, or is it true that I may as well have sold myself to the devil for this kind of power?
...I feel like such a slut...
"Mommy! Mommy! The new bakery just opened today!"
"Oh, I had completely forgotten. Well, maybe we should go pick up a slice of cake then, how does that sound?"
...even the humans...the random humans that walk up and down the random streets in Gensokyo...they look so happy...with their genuine family...
Master Ran...you promised...you would be back...how long as it been? I don't even remember anymore...but it's been too long. I want to see you again but then...I...I don't want you to see the pitiful state that I'm in. As much as I want to hug you, and cry in your arms, and tell you how much I missed you, I don't want you to see me so sad, so depressed, so far on the verge of emotional death that it makes you cry.
...I don't want you to accept me anymore, because I'm no longer worthy of being called your shikigami...
2010/11/11 (Thu) 18:11
Sukima you are living up to your name.
2010/11/11 (Thu) 18:12
You sick fuck.
Write more of this.
2010/11/11 (Thu) 19:58
This better not end by AN HEROing.
2010/11/12 (Fri) 00:40
This river is starting to turn into a lake. I don't think I can handle much more.
2010/11/12 (Fri) 00:52
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2010/11/12 (Fri) 03:13
This story excites me.
2010/11/12 (Fri) 03:24
2010/11/12 (Fri) 03:38
I'm so happy that Sukima's back and writing, but this story is just so depressing.
Quit toying with my emotions!
Glad you're back.
2010/11/12 (Fri) 10:52
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"Master Chen, it is time for your bath."
"I'll be there in a few minutes."
"If you do not hurry it will grow cold..."
I cut my hair sometime before it happened. I don't know why. I just did. I had been growing my hair out for a very long time, it was almost down to the end of my back. People said it made me look pretty, beautiful, even stunning. But after a while, I just...stopped caring. The truth is, I didn't cut it with any intent other then to end my own life, but I found myself to cowardly to even bring the blade to my neck, all I could manage was lopping off the hair I had worked so hard to achieve. In the end, even if I had tried, I knew that there was no way that I could kill myself. No way to really end any sort of misery and depression I had befallen upon myself...
The opinions on it was rather varied. Some liked it. Some didn't. I lost a few followers, while gaining a few who thought that maybe I was returning to my roots. As if I could ever do that without Master Ran's guidance...maybe they were right though. Maybe I didn't mind as much about losing my hair because it reminded me of the times I spent with Master Ran, and how I missed them so very much...I'm an adult now though, so even...even if Master Ran came back...what would I say? What would we do? I'm supposed to be taking care of myself now, Master Ran...can't baby me forever...
Even though I thought that, I still clung onto the belief that being more like my old self might be a good thing. but no matter how much I tried, I couldn't smile...I could be happy, bouncy and bubbly like I once was. Was this corruption, I thought? Was the brimming surface of what once was a clean slate dirtied by all the sins I had committed now? After losing my friends...after losing my family...I became...a bitter, needy cat.
"What?! What do you want?!"
"Chen! Please, let's talk thi-"
"There is nothing to talk about! Get out of my sight!"
"Are you just going to take everything I had and toss me aside?!"
"Yes! Because you're worth
...those words ring on and on in my head. What have I become? There is no way Master Ran would be at all happy with who I am now...
"Master Chen, please, reconsider--"
"Reconsider what? You know we can't offer them the funding they need!"
"But, they're, well, I mean, what if we--"
"No! We can't, don't you understand? We need to live too. If we can't help them then they have to suffer elsewhere."
...how could I say something like that? I...I just said to them exactly what I said to Mystia...is that how I truly am? I'm really a monster aren't I...
"What the hell is wrong with you? Why did you do that?!"
"He's a human! He has no right to stand up to me like that!"
"You filthy liar! How could you say that in this day and age?! This isn't the same Gensokyo you grew up in with your masters!"
"So?! What difference does that make?!"
"What difference? You should know, you fucking made this world the way it is now!"
...that's right. As a leader of one of the political parties, I helped shape Gensokyo into what it is now with the coming of the revolution. Despite that, I...
"...hey, your name is Chen, right?"
It was the first time anyone had talked to me just to talk to me since I cut my hair. People were afraid of my mental health, and were intimidated by setting me off.
"...yeah, what of it?"
...even though I acted bitter, closed in and mean...
"Oh, uhh...I wanted to say those earrings look really good on you."
I had several earrings since the one Master Ran had given me. One person, upon my inception as the leader of my group, gave me a duplicate to put on my other ear to look more refined, I suppose. I didn't complain, I used it as a sign that I was growing up, that I was evolving...when really, it was more of a sign that I was stumbling down the wrong path, that I honestly was not doing anything to be the least bit proud of at all. Along my original pair, I have three other pairs of different earrings as well, all brought to me by my suitors to replace the earrings I had. Of course, all of them meant a lot to me, especially my original pair, so I merely added them onto my ears. In the end, none of it was really fulfilling.
...my ears feel so heavy...
"I've thought about taking them off many times. I don't very much like them."
"...o-oh. I see. Haha, sorry about that then~"
He was just an ordinary human from the Hakurei clan, as plain as they come. He had very marginal spiritual powers, was deemed a civilian to most of the clan, and hadn't really done anything of note. Yet, despite this...
"Oh, hey Chen."
"You know, last time we talked, I forget to comment on your shorter hair."
"...it was a mi-"
"I think you look great! For some reason it really suits you. The look I get from your shorter hair is less of an intimidating woman and more of a...ah, how should I put it, more innocent and charming I guess?"
...I had become smitten with him...
"Oh, Chen, came to help me put away books again?"
"If you don't mind."
"Haha, for a great and almighty leader of youkai, you sure do enjoy working. It's so refreshing to see someone as diligent as you leading people, most of today's leaders are too lazy to do anything for themselves."
"...you really think that way?"
...if he had only known the truth...how much sitting around I had actually done...
"You've been coming by an awful lot lately, haven't you?"
"I'm trying to repair any loose ends my relationship with the Hakurei clan I might have...Master Yukari was a very important person to them, but of course, I'm nothing like her..."
"Really? I've never met this Yukari lady myself, but I think if she were here she would be cheering you on and telling you to do you best!"
...to do my best...yes, that's right. Even if Master Ran and Master Yukari would not be proud of me for what I have done...they would still smile...and tell me to keep trying. To always do my best, no matter what...
It took a sole human to make me realize that in the end, no matter how much I had grown up, if Master Ran, Master Yukari, and all my friends were still around, I would still be the very same as I was hundreds of years ago.
"...Ch-Chen? What's wrong? Why are you crying...?"
"Chen...Ch-Chen! Wait, hold on!"
"Uh! L-Let go of me!"
I would have murdered him on the spot. A human grabbing a youkai so dangerously like that...but...
"Chen, listen! You can't run away from your fears and sorrows like that!"
What he said...
"You're a leader of a powerful group, aren't you? You have to act the part. Not just for your subordinates but for yourself too."
What I did...
"There's no avoiding that you'll get sad, depressed, angry and mad at times, but running away from them or bottling them up just shows that you're weak. I know you better then that, Chen."
...every single word...
"I don't know what goes on back at your home, but it sounds like you've been coming here a lot lately to get away from it..."
"...is it because you have no one to talk to about your sorrows?"
He was such an uplifting young man. He would always smile in the presence of just about anyone, and his first impressions to every person he met was always that he was a very joyous, happy man. He was very polite, and exceedingly nice. He would bend over backwards for any of his closest friends. I found that out after a nice while of spending time with him. He would put off important things just to listen to me. I called him out on being absurd, and all he told me was that if listening to me was crazy, then he wanted to be craziest person on earth...
He was...such a fool...and yet...yet...
"Ah, hey there Chen! I see you took a lot of those earrings off finally."
"Yeah...I'm finally ready to move on."
"You still got one on though..."
"I told you, Master Ran gave me that one. I could never take it off."
"That's okay, since I think even with that one single one on-- no,
with that one single one on, it makes you look very adorable."
I couldn't help it. I had turned my back to my friends, and I went on misguided without my family. I was afraid I would only hurt him, but I just...I...
"...I actually came here to tell you something..."
"Huh? What is it Chen?"
He may be a human. But he's...he's the only person that has ever made me feel this way. I couldn't stand down now. I would do whatever it took to get him to my level. I would spend the follow years researching, studying and finding ways to extend his lifespan, make him stronger, if only...if only so I could spent my time with him in peace. I would even go so far, if I had to, to make myself...human. To rid myself of what made me a youkai. Just to be with him...
"I...the truth is..."
With his help, I want to mend the wounds, regain my friends, search for my family, and return to myself what I had felt was missing for so long, to right all the wrongs that caused me to lose them in the first place. I wanted to atone for all my sins. With him, I would begin my redemption, and what he had shown me would be the catalyst for that. That thing...which I believe...is...
I love you.
The end. Tomorrow I'll hopefully get an update ready for one of my stories.
2010/11/13 (Sat) 00:09
And then Yukari returned, made Chen feel depressed again, and she committed suicide.
2010/11/13 (Sat) 01:46
2010/11/13 (Sat) 02:02
...and there goes my smile.
2010/11/13 (Sat) 21:16
you fucking monster
2010/11/21 (Sun) 01:06
Sukima, holy crap, I don't know what to say, I'm practically tearing up here. Well done!
Get out of here with that talk.
2010/11/25 (Thu) 22:45
[x] Write about a depressed Chen
You write a depressing story about Chen struggling through her life alone, miserable. Some people call you a monster, but in return you receive an alarming sense of satisfaction.
[x] Contemplate writing about Orin
After reading a romantic story you feel the urge to write about making love to Orin but the motivation does not come unfortunately and all you get is a wet pair of pants.
[x] Don't write out of laziness
You decide that you're too lazy to write and that there are more important things that need attended to, like your new recent MMO addiction that seems to crop up once every year. You sad, pathetic excuse for a human.
Yeah, sorry 'bout that.
2011/01/13 (Thu) 00:14
 Call out for Cirno
[x] Don't call out for Cirno
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