Finding the lack of Iku in /at/ disturbing, I cooked a little smut starring her. I've written porn before, but this is the first time I do it seriously and post it on the Internet so please be gentle with me~
“How in the Seven Circles of Hell did you get in this situation?” you mentally ask yourself, while you stare dumbfounded at Iku tenderly kissing and licking your chest. You don’t voice your question in fear of breaking the magic of this moment, but a part in your brain is still nagging you about the sheer improbability of this happening to you. You recall attending another one of the countless parties the Celestials throw once in a while in Heaven, and also finding a small note in your pocket, asking you to come alone to the alleyway, and then-
Your train of thought gets suddenly short circuited when Iku pulls down your undergarments and touches your erect member, sending a pleasant shock through your whole body. The way she hungrily looks at your raging penis; the sensation of her ragged breath running over your shaft; the silky touch of her thin fingers pattering it; all of it is demolishing the first impression you had of Iku Nagae, the pure and elegant Emissary of Heaven.
“No, this isn’t right,” shouted your brain, in a last ditch attempt of saving that image “This must be a dream, a hallucination, a mistake, this can’t be real! There’s no way she-“
Again, your thoughts are interrupted by another wave of pleasure, as Iku begins licking the head of your member. You cannot do anything but look at her while she passes her wet tongue around your head and caresses your shaft with her left hand. Until now, you’ve done your best not to let out any noise that could reveal your position to any person passing by, but when Iku softly presses the tip of her tongue against your urethra, you can’t stop a moan of pleasure from escaping your mouth.
“How cute… Did you like that?” she giggles, as she meets your gaze. “Shh, no need to speak. Your face tells me everything. How about this?”
Before you even have a chance to respond, Iku opens her lips and introduces the head of your penis in her mouth, sending yet another electric shock through your spine. You are forced to grit your teeth to avoid moaning, especially when she starts to make suction movements with the cavities of her mouth while at the same time she licks your urethra with her tongue. And if this isn’t enough, her hands presses against your hardened shaft and stroke it up and down, which combined with the licking ad the sucking almost sends you over the edge right here and now.
Your brain wonders when, how and with who did Iku learn to give such amazing blowjobs. Annoyed, you tell your mind to shut up and enjoy the moment. You’ll have time for thinking later. For now, you concentrate on not coming too soon, but this proves to be a hard task, since Iku is now tenderly nibbling your head. Another surprised moan comes out from your mouth at the sensation of her teeth softly scraping your most sensitive part, which prompts Iku to look at you with an interrogative gaze. You can’t help but find that expression on her face adorable yet arousing at the same time, yet you somehow manage to nod your head in response to her unspoken query.
It looks like your honesty pleased Iku, because she’s flashing a smile at you – if it’s possible to smile with a dick in your mouth. She plants a few kisses along the length of your shaft while caressing it, as if it was the most precious thing in Paradise for her, before reintroducing it in her mouth. When she begins bobbing her head up and down, a shocking sensation bristles your hairs in your neck, and you no longer are able to keep your mouth shut, leaving it open in what possibly is the lewdest face you ever made. You briefly wonder if that sensation right now was amplified by Nagae’s control over electricity, or it’s just that her technique is that good. Whatever, the thing is you’re having the best damn moment in both your earthly and immortal life, and you’re not going to ruin it by coldly analyzing the blowjob.
You contemplate Iku’s head going up and down along your length, and raise a hand to pet her purple hair, which makes your partner purr in appreciation. Minutes fly by, as you indulge yourself savoring the wetness and smoothness of Iku’s mouth and tongue around your penis, the dirty sounds her lips make when she swallows it, and the increasingly fast movements her hand does on the lower half. You notice too late that your hips have started to buck on their own, encompassing the rhythm Iku is leading, and you consider stopping, but since she didn’t complain about that, you guess she doesn’t care, so you let your hips do their job.
Your brain takes this moment to remind you that your approaching your orgasm, and you felt the urge to respond with a “I know, dammit, just leave me alone”. But before you had the time to insult your own mind, it makes you remember that you and Iku are still in a party, and that if you unload your dirty seed on her face and dress, people will look at her with strange eyes, to say the very least. You have to give a point to your annoying brain for calling that before it was too late.
“I-i-iku, stop, I-I’m a-a-about to-,“ you stutter.
“It’s alright,” she says, taking your cock out of her mouth. “Release your love on me.”
“B-but your clothes…”
Iku looks up to you and makes that adorable smile again.
“How thoughtful of you… Okay, then, let me do this.”
Before you have the time to react, Iku puts her hands around your ass and deepthroats your twitching cock, leaving you no escape. Not that you intended to, anyway. As soon as the tip of your head touches the insides of her throat, you feel another shock coursing through al your body. Your mind goes blank and your vision turns white as you reach orgasm and shoot your semen inside Iku’s throat, who gulps it all down.
“Mmmmm, delicious~,” the celestial says, taking your limping penis out of her mouth and caressing it with care. “The food at the party was good, but this is just the icing in the cake.”
You spend the next seconds in your afterglow trying to cath your breath, while Iku begins buttoning your attire up. Fortunately, there’s no evidence of this affair in neither you or her… except for that small drop of semen coming out of the corner of her mouth, you notice. Without thinking, you pass your hand over it, which surprises Iku at first, but when she sees the dirty stain in the tip of your finger, she smiles and takes your digit in her mouth, repeating the same sucking motions she did to your penis.
Against your own expectations, your member starts to grow again at this sight. Iku notices the budge in your trousers and giggles.
“Ready for the second dish, I see. However, that will have to wait for later. Our friends are waiting back at the hall.”
Iku stands up and dusts her frilly dress, while you stare at her, your brain still not functioning properly.
“Well, shall we go, now?” the celestial says, offering her arm to you.
You nod and clumsily take her arm, accompanying her to the room where the party is still being celebrated. A lot of questions begin to form in your mind, but you set them aside for now. You had an important event to attend now, and a lovely lady at your side who you must take care of.
I like it, but the writing could use work, mostly on pace and flow. It gets choppy at times which I find to break the immersion I have about Iku giving head. I could feel it as I was reading. I doubt I picked up on everything but I'll point out sentences that broke my attention.
Starting paragraph, I'd take out the "mentally." It's already implied MC is thinking to himself by the italics. The "while you" could be replaced with just "staring." It's quicker and more direct and more active.
SECOND PARAGRAPH. I LIKE IT. I LIKE IT ALOT. FUCKING GOOD WRITEFAG.
"And if this isn’t enough," Starting sentences with conjunctions... Ew. I think the phrase could just be removed. It'll give the same impact, but flows better.
"if it’s possible to smile with a dick in your mouth" MC has dicks in his mouth? That's what's coming across in with the second person thing. Else wise, I like it. It's a good scene.
The rest of it is also really good. I like the deep throat ending and the casual seductiveness Iku brings across.
There's a bunch of grammatical things I want to nitpick but I'd feel like even more of an ass if I did.
If I went to far with criticism and ended up "trying to correct OP's writing," I want to apologize. I really do like this piece but there are just there small errors that throw me off.
Why, thank you, dear Anon, I'm glad you liked it! I'm not offended at all by your pointpicking at my mistakes; in fact, I wholeheartily appreciate it. I came here to improve my writing, so all criticism is welcome. I took notes of all you've told me, but I'd like you to point me all those grammar mistakes you say you've found, since I seem to make the same errors in all my writings.
Hey, that was a good try. You did well to keep it focused, and the level of detail was pretty impressive. It's always good to represent more of the cast, too.
The writing was admittedly awkward,though. >>27301's points are all valid, and I'd add that a lot of the sentences could have been split into two or more parts. Some of the descriptions came up as more "showing" than "telling," too, especially when it came to faces.
But, that's all to be expected from a new writer. Keep writing, and you'll improve quickly. I'll be happy to help more if you come over #touhouporn.
Seeing this, how come there's a lack of Iku in /at/? In fact several characters seem to never get used. I've never seen Yuugi ever get used, Eirin's never been used except for an abandoned short story. Do they all lack appeal or something?