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2483 No. 2483

Don't Jizz your pants(tm)! v0.8741
A text adventure.

- You are in Gensokyo
- You need to cum
- Don't cum in your pants
- Cum in your pants = Bad End
- Cum outside your pants = Normal End
- Cum in a touhou = Good End

I understand most verbs like "push, pull, walk, hit, look, rape" and more as well as four compass directions, up and down.

Update to v0.8741
*New story module mode, each new game will be based around a randomly generated scenario rather than let you wander around pointlessly.
*Fixed a bug where Rumia would get stuck in the trees she flew into.
*Grenades now do damage according to the stats in the manual.
*Fixed a quest vendor in the village that wouldn't give out rewards.
*Some balancing and random crashes have been fixed.

/Type Play to begin

No. 2484
No. 2485
No. 2486

So what are we going to go for first, guys? Iku like before, or...?
No. 2487
The first touhou we come across.
No. 2488
File 124494043022.jpg - (83.02KB , 600x833 , 463ded5c252ac9ae008c440795d65488.jpg ) [iqdb]

A chill November wind swirls around you, making you feel the chill and sending the trees waving with a roaring sound reminiscent of waves on a shore. The clouds are low and heavy in the sky with the promise of coming rain, you don't want to be caught outside for much longer, however despite yourself you hesitate.

Looming before you, perched twixt lake and forest are the forbidding red walls of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, it's bright colours muted in the watery light. A few years back you heard that the lady of the house was responsible for the weeks of mist that plagued the village one summer, that girl from the shrine came along and sorted it out as she always does of course but ever since then you've heard a number of rumors about the people who live inside. As you stand there shivering, just a little way from the baroque iron gate, some of the more colourful ones come to mind. Stories about a cruel monster that only comes out at night, recluse magicians and their man eating demon pets and something unspeakable locked deep under the earth below the mansion. Man eating monsters isn't something that would surprise you in Gensokyo but only a fool would ignore the rumors when there's evidence all across the land.

Your mind turns to the reason you're here, to the crumpled piece of paper you hold in your hand tightly, about it's promise of easy money. There's no other choice, you tell yourself, you can barely make ends meet as it is. If the deal is legitimate then you'll be saved from poverty, if only for a while, if it's a trap then at least you'll die before you starved to death.

Taking a breath you step up to the threshold, you've come this far already....

You have:
Clothes (equipped)
Flyer (in hand)
Bills (in pocket)

No. 2490
(fuck I missed out a chunk of text, sorry)

A short distance from the heavy looking gate is a small hut with a roof that's covered in patches, like it had been inexpertly repaired a number of times in the past. A metal stove pipe emits puffs of white smoke and the windows are illuminated from within by a faint yellow glow through the dirty panes of glass. Beyond the gate you can make out no other signs of life.
No. 2492
/Examine surroundings to see if there is anything that could be used as a weapon.
No. 2493
/move toward the mansion
/move to the hut
/knock on hut's door
/speak to resident inside
/show her the flyer

Thought about swimming in the lake, but I don't think anyone wishes for a lake end so soon, no?
No. 2494
the lake will turn into a little girl and proceed to rape anon
No. 2495
File 124494391753.png - (65.26KB , 600x599 , 1234979867090.png ) [iqdb]

Forewarned is forearmed, or something like that. Either way you feel that perhaps being armed in the physical sense might be a good idea too, if demonic little girls and mystical ladies of the night want to have you for dinner you'll be sure to make them fight for it. Or at the least give them one hell of a case of indigestion. A quick check of your surroundings reveals nothing that could readily be used as a weapon, no vorpal swords to speak of. So you settle for grabbing half a brick, probably fallen out of the masonry, and stuff it in your pocket.

ACQUIRED: Half a brick (in pocket)


Skittishly you take a step towards the mansion again, with the gate blocking your path you think better of it and turn your attention to the hut beside it. Swallowing your unease and trying to ignore the leaden feeling in your arm you give the door a gently knock. A heavy thud comes from within followed by frantic footsteps, along with the shrill cry of "INTRUDER!"

Moments later you're laying on your back with little idea about how you got there, little bits of gravel poking you in the back. Towering over you is a very tall woman with a mane of fiery and long elegant legs that show a good deal of thigh through a Chinese style dress. Her hand is placed firmly on the battered door that's pressed up against the wall, it looks like it's almost hanging off the hinges. She must of knocked you down in her hurry to answer it.

"State your business intruder!" In a booming voice she addresses you, looking down at you with fierce blue eyes. "Answer quickly or be escorted off the premises!"
"I'm here to see the lady of the house!" You croak uneasily, getting up on your elbows. She gives you an easy look for a moment before recovering her composure, she speaks to you again but with less confidence than before.
"Does she know you're coming?"
"Well, no...."
"Ha!" She calls out triumphantly, like she had just caught you out. "I knew it, you're an intruder! You have to get up pretty early in the afternoon to slip one past Hong Meiling!"
"Isn't that supposed to be early in the morning?"
"Huh?" She blinks at you simply. "No I don't think so, I usually don't wake up that ea-Ha!"
She cries out again and advances on you with a grim smile.
"Thought you could derail my train of thought so easily, eh? Well your mind games won't work on me, boy. Now, would you like me to escort you off peacefully or do you want to do it the hard way?"

She cracks her knuckles menacingly to emphasize her point, unaware her intimidation tactics are somewhat weakened when you're at an angel that reveals her panties. Simple, stark white ones, a modest sort of choice really. No time to enjoy the view however, desperately you wave the flyer in front of her as you explain yourself.

"I came about the donations! Just read this, you'll see what I mean! I'm not an intruder, I swear."
"I'll be the judge of that." Sniffing derisively she whips it out of your hand and begins to read, not wanting to risk her ire any further you stay down as she does. Reading her expressions as she reads, first aggression gives way to confusion followed by surprise. Finally she turns to you wide eyed with apology.

"I never though anyone would actually..." She mutters to herself before speaking to you. "I'm so sorry about this sir, I should have realized that an intruder wouldn't be so polite as to knock on my door in the first place."

Offering you her hand she helps you up and begins to pat you all over, brushing off the dirt. She doesn't seem to mind such casual contact but it does leave you a little flustered to be handled like this, particularly by what is a very attractive woman by anyone's standards. With her seriousness replaced by apology you notice she's got a vibrant and lovely smile that lights up her face.

"I was just eager to do my job and make Sa-." She stops herself and gives you a smile. "Well that's of no importance. Hold on..."
Eyes focused upon your face, she leans in making your pulse race, she looks so intent. Licking her thumb she holds your head still and rubs something off, probably a smudge or something, just like your mother did when you were small.

"There, can't have you all messed up when you meet the mistress can we?" Letting you go again she holds her hands together and pleads with you. "Just don't mention this to anyone, okay? It'll get me in trouble."

This girl is like a whirlwind, before you can even answer her she skips off merrily past you and opens the gate which give an old creek, by the way she moves you could almost say everything about her is bouncy. Some places.....more than others.

"Well, don't let me keep you any longer. It's still light out so the mistress may not be awake for you, we're sorry if you have to wait at all. Anyway in you go, just head through the front door and someone will meet you there, it looks like it's about to rain and I'm sure you don't want to be caught out in it here with me."

Busily she ushers you through the gates and onto the path towards the mansion, taking one or two cautious steps in you can't help but be impressed by the lush lawn and the distant gardens. Even at this time of year it all seems lively compared to the dying trees outside these walls, everything looks immaculately taken care of. Squatting in the middle of it all is the mansion itself, a dark and forbidding doll's house scaled up to human size, most of the windows are covered up in some way giving it an appearance that makes you uneasy.

Uncertain of your self you take a look back considering running away, oddly Meiling is lingering there still watching you, she jumps slightly under your stare.

No. 2496
/speak to Meiling: Suggest waiting until the mistress is awake. Ask her if doesn't mind telling you about the house beforehand, and give you ideas of how to make a good impression.
No. 2497
/Swing brick randomly.
No. 2498
File 124495571815.jpg - (209.55KB , 602x806 , 22ae611bc376e549fcb0baabc90032a4.jpg ) [iqdb]
You pause, Meiling is looking at you kind of like a retarded puppy, in a good way though if that's possible. There's not much you can read from her expression, is she trying to be polite and see you off to the door without leaving her post or does she simply have nothing better to do? Either way you've stopped now and that's got her attention, ever so slightly she tilts her head in an unspoken question as to why you stopped, it would look weird to walk off now without saying something.

"Um," Excellent conversation starter that. "If I have to wait, would you mind if I stayed here with you? I mean, if you'd rather not I'd understand and all, you've probably got better things to do than talk to me but I was just thinking I could ask you some questions about...."
The words run down to a trickle and die, you're not sure what to say really and Meiling simply continues to stare at you with that vague look.

"R-really?" Suddenly she speaks excitedly. "I mean, maybe you should go inside and introduce yourself. I'm sure you'd rather go into the mansion where it's warm...."
"Well, I asked didn't I? Plus, I kind of think that place is a little creepy."
"Heh, it's not so bad once you get used to it."
"Is that a fact?"

That's all you can think to say, leaving a big empty space in the air where the conversation should be, if you had a power it would be the ability to kill conversations. She seems to be as lost as you, either because she's simply not used to people asking to spend time with her in this way or because she doesn't actually want your company and it's too late to say no. Her eyes meet yours during this prolonged silence and abruptly she turns on a heel heading back to her hut, given no other option you follow her.

"Yes, right!" She flusters. "Come in, how about some tea?"
"That would be great, thank you."

Excusing yourself quietly you take a step inside, it's pretty dark in here with the only light coming from a flickering stove in the corner. In fact tiny is a word you'd use for every inch of this place, it seems Meiling has to cram everything she needs in here from bedroom to kitchen and beyond making it very cramped. Pressed up against one wall is a small, unmade, utilitarian bed with a curtain for privacy. Other than that it's pretty bare save for a few personal items such as books, a Chinese zodiac calendar on one wall, unwashed dishes and stray articles of underwear strewn across every surface.

"S-sorry for the mess." Frantically Meiling darts about the room, either trying to hide her unmentionables or clear some space for you to sit, no chairs either you note.
"Oh, it's fine really." You say earnestly. "Don't trouble yourself on my account."
"No trouble at all!" She answers quickly, tossing a lacy black bra onto the bed and pulling the curtain. After organizing everything into a slightly less chaotic mess she gives the room one last scan and sighs contentedly, tossing you a pillow she invites you to take a seat anywhere. Taking a spot by the table she follows suit, covering herself with a heavy duvet with a lively orange pattern.

"Sorry to impose on you like this."
"Don't worry, it's nice to have company." First she wraps herself in the duvet until only her head is showing, clearly enjoying the warmth, then she reluctantly snakes one arm out of the folds and gathers up two mismatched cups from the table. By the steaming pot between you, it's a safe bet that she had just made it when you had arrived, gratefully you accept after she pours you one.

"Thank you."
"You're welcome."

Another damnable silence falls over the two of you, again you're at a loss for things to say. You're sat across from a beautiful woman without a clue, story of your life really. It's always been a problem of yours, being stuck for words like this is typical of you when it comes to the fairer sex. Which is a shame as Meiling seems to live in the same humble squalor as you, in that respect you feel a certain connection with her.

The sputtering candles punctuate the quiet, making it seem emptier for it. For a while you find yourself unable to look at the woman before you, your eyes wandering across every surface and out the misty windows, yet you can't help yourself trying to steal glances at her. For a few fleeting seconds you allow yourself to study every nuance of her face, tracing every curve of her body with your gaze, occasionally she catches you looking and you force yourself to look away again for a while. Yet you always find yourself drawn to stare again.

"So I wanted to ask."
Unable to bare it anymore you spoke, before you could even ask she answered though, eagerly like she was glad to hear you say something.
"Yeah, I wanted to ask a few things about the mansion."
"Mmhmm." She nods and encourages you to go on.
"Is there anything I should know about the mansion before I go in? And how do I make a good impression on your mistress?"
"Oh." A fleeting moment passes where she looks downcast, perhaps she didn't expect this line of questioning or something. "Let's see..."
Squirming under her duvet Meiling adopts an expression of hard concentration, you didn't realize your question warranted such a response. Patiently you sip your tea, it's only a little warmer here than outside so you're still pretty cold.

"Don't go anywhere you're not told to go, it'll be easier than having to explain yourself to whoever you might meet and you'll stay out of trouble that way. Mind your manners and be polite, that's pretty obvious I guess but as for the mistress? It's hard to say, she'll take a shine to anyone who entertains her I guess and she does like to play with her food..."
"Food?" That sets off alarm bells in your head, quickly Meiling tries to placate you.
"Oh....Um, don't be so literal you! The mistress is, um." She flounders. "The mistress is.... harmless? Yeah I guess that's sort of true."
Meiling frowns at that last statement, as if unsure of her words. You're not sure what to make of everything she said to be honest, if it can help you remains to be seen.

Metallic tapping derails your train of thought, amplified by the chimney the sound of rain echoes through the stove. Pausing you and Meiling listen for a moment, it seems gentle now but it could really pick up at any second.

"I guess you should head into the mansion now, I didn't realize I had kept you so long." She says with a slight tinge of regret. "You'll get soaked if you don't move on now and it's only going to get colder in here."
Slipping one foot out of her protective duvet she gives one iron leg of the stove a kick, sending out a deep note.
"This thing isn't very good I'm afraid, you'd probably catch your death in here unless we shared this of course."

Jokingly she unwraps it a little as if to invite you in with her, the idea of being wrapped up in a blanket against that lithe form is more than enough to give you pause for thought, those enticing curves...

You're torn, you'd love to waste some more time here with Meiling like this and maybe be as bold as to share that duvet with her, if you did you would be able to die happy here and now. However if you hang around here for too long you might miss your chance to meet the mistress, lord knows you can't afford that.

No. 2499
[X] "... well, why not? It sounds like it's already gotten pretty bad out there. Maybe I had better just wait it out. Can't take that long."

Of course it can. It better.
No. 2500
/Stay and hang out with Meiling
No. 2504
/speak to Meiling: "... well, why not? It sounds like it's already gotten pretty bad out there. Maybe I had better just wait it out. Can't take that long."
/share the duvet with her
/ask Meiling about herself: history, what sort of food/desserts she likes, hobbies, what kind of guys she's into
/place your hand on her upper leg, "accidentally"
- /remove it if she takes badly to it
- /slowly bring it up her leg if she responds well
/let the rest take its course
/remember to take off pants if it comes to the sexing and the grinding and the thrusting and the....
No. 2505
[x] "... well, why not? It sounds like it's already gotten pretty bad out there. Maybe I had better just wait it out. Can't take that long."
No. 2509
[x] "... well, why not? It sounds like it's already gotten pretty bad out there. Maybe I had better just wait it out. Can't take that long."

Target sighted.
No. 2511
[X]speak to Meiling: "... well, why not? It sounds like it's already gotten pretty bad out there. Maybe I had better just wait it out. Can't take that long."
[X]share the duvet with her
[X]ask Meiling about herself: history, what sort of food/desserts she likes, hobbies, what kind of guys she's into
[X]place your hand on her upper leg, "accidentally"
-[X]remove it if she takes badly to it
-[X]slowly bring it up her leg if she responds well
-[X]let the rest take its course
[X]remember to take off pants if it comes to the sexing and the grinding and the thrusting and the....
No. 2512
File 124530251210.jpg - (448.11KB , 655x900 , 5f6ac2026997ee086f1643468ca942b8.jpg ) [iqdb]

Hahaha, too bad it's first to one that wins eh? And I won't make it that easy on you all, where would be the fun in that? As a side note I'm not happy with these longer posts, I'll return to shorter ones and save length for "Business Time". Also, taking a nap in a moment but I'll be updating when I wake up.


"... well, why not? It sounds like it's already gotten pretty bad out there. Maybe I had better just wait it out. Can't take that long."
"Maybe you're right..." She doesn't sound too sure of herself.
"Something wrong?"
"Oh it's nothing!" She quickly amends. "I just don't want to make you late or anything, although the mistress is a, um..."
She hesitates and dances around her next words carefully.
"She's a late riser."
"Well, if she's still in bed now I guess that's a bit of an understatement."
That coaxes a nervous laugh out of her, it's making you wonder what kind of woman her mistress is the way she carefully tackles every comment.
"Yeah you might say that."

Another silence falls over the table but less uncomfortable than the others, outside the rain goes on and on like a skipping record, filling the windows with mist and the air with a light hiss. Occasionally the fireplace sputters as a stray droplet falls into the flames, making the wood pop and crackle as it burns. Discreetly you try and edge yourself close to the scant warmth it provides.

Somehow you manged to try and start a conversation at the same time, funny how that can happen you think, all that empty space that either one you could of used to talk and yet you still manage to bump words like that. A moment passes as you each try to give the other a chance to speak with lots of "No you first, I insist." and "No, no! Ladies first.".

"So," She says after you finally convince her to go first. "What made you answer the ad?"
"I'm a bit short on money this month," Bashfully you admit it, you were kind of hoping this wouldn't come up. "And the offer was more than generous for just one trip, so I thought I'd give it a go."
"Mmmhhm," She nods at you, with only her head poking out the covers it looks a little odd. "So you're alright with doing it?"
"Ah, thing is I don't actually know what I'll be expected to do so..."
"You shouldn't worry about it, sir, it's so easy that even I could do it were I able." Did she just call you sir?
"Don't put yourself down so easily, I'm sure that..."
"I don't mean like that," She interrupts smiling. "It's not what I can or can't do but what I am that's stopping me."

What she is? You wonder what she could mean by that. Well you've heard that the mansion is entirely staffed by women, most of Gensokyo can seem like that at times in fact, maybe this is something to do with it? Perhaps they needed a few jars opened or spiders shooed away.


You sip your rapidly cooling tea. Knowing the woman of Gensokyo and their various reputations, you doubt that very much. Considering how she knocked you down just now you expect Meiling would be more than capable of opening even the most stubborn of jars and fending off any arachnid invaders. How curious then that they wanted a man...

"Are you warm enough, sir?" Breaking your little day dream you notice Meiling trying to speak to you, hopefully you didn't make her repeat herself.
"You know, you don't have to call me sir all the time Miss Meiling." Reproachfully you ask her to stop, you're no sir by any measurement of the word.
"Oh, sorry sir! Eek!" Playfully she blushes and sticks her tongue out. "It's a force of habit, if someone has business with the mansion I'm supposed to treat them with respect you see. Oh!"
"And please, just call me Meiling."
She adds hurriedly with a little note of delight in her voice.
"I'll be glad to." She seems pleased with your answer.
"It's nice we can be casual like this; Miss Sakuya, the head maid, can be a bit too formal sometimes and too fond of nicknames the other. Excuse me!"
She exclaims suddenly.
"How rude of me, did you say you were warm enough?"

No. 2513
/"I'll take whatever warmth you're willing to give me. It may be greedy, but with my circumstances I rarely have all that much heat at this time of the year, even living alone."
No. 2514
No. 2515

Then come up with something better.
No. 2516
>too bad it's first to one that wins eh?
No. 2517

Because I would never delete my vote if someone produced something I like better, right?
No. 2518
/Take out brick from pocket, and swing it around violently and break stuff.
No. 2519
Eh. Chance that he's already seen the post, and whatnot.
No. 2520
/reply to Meiling: "I'll take whatever warmth you're willing to give me. It may be greedy, but with my circumstances I rarely have all that much heat at this time of the year, even living alone."
/share the duvet with her, if the offer's still open
/ask Meiling about herself: history, what sort of food/desserts she likes, hobbies, what kind of guys she's into
/place your hand on her upper leg, "accidentally"
- /remove it if she reacts badly to it
- /slowly bring it up her leg if she responds well
/let the rest take its course
/remember to take off pants if it comes to the sexing and the grinding and the thrusting and the....

Dammit people, he did say it was good, sorta! Or maybe I'm just reading that into his comment. Whatever! Just make sure to show concern for who Meiling is as a person, not just as an information broker about the rest of the mansion.
No. 2523
Ooh, this sounds fun. Count me in.

[x] Take out brick from pocket, and swing it around violently and break stuff.
No. 2524

lol so randum XD
No. 2579
good night, sweet prince ;_;
No. 2580
Scorn got kidnapped by Ronald McDonald.
No. 2591
Scorn has finally died.

Shame, he really held on for along time.
No more David ;_;
No. 2592
>No more David
Brb, becoming a necromancer.
No. 2782
File 125264677572.jpg - (20.44KB , 320x240 , 125264427564.jpg ) [iqdb]
No. 2809
Sorry. How was I to know he'd bleed that much?
No. 2827
File 12541118857.jpg - (22.29KB , 346x259 , LeonardMcCoy.jpg ) [iqdb]
No. 2829


Come back, please. You don't have to write if you don't want to, just come back ;_;
No. 6784
No. 6785
File 127732511663.jpg - (382.41KB , 912x1169 , 4e6311cafe5c19cf8fb83bd3734978cd.jpg ) [iqdb]

No. 6802
he's probably the same one who bumped the other dead threads.
No. 9873
Fuck. Of course this must be dead since Scorn doesn't fucking write anymore. I'm not sure he's even here here at TH-P/IRC anymore. He's a lost cause like HY.

PS: Ban the fucker who bumped this. Nuff said.
No. 15538
business hours are over, baby