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File 125198436179.png - (498.67KB, 1000x1000, 20cc648a03db5c8cda21f86a90f630e3.png) [iqdb]
Continued from http://www.touhou-project.com/gensokyo/res/353.html
Too lazy to remember how to link between boards. Latest update copypasta'd. Figured this place needs a story more than the former test board~


Of course the first thing I'd do is go after her to get it back, but...

Having been out of the story when it happened--the literary equivalent of being unconscious--I have no idea where she's gone off to. And, as aimless searching is a waste of time and effort, I should think of something a little more worthwhile before I resort to it.

It comes to me more or less in the form of three or four posts. I should arm myself! Find something to act as a placeholder in the meantime. It might help to balance out my arsenal a bit, especially with my right foot encased in a block of concrete. How adding weight to the same side of my body balances things out is simple aesthetics; it has nothing to do with the physical aspect of things. It's like how a giant robot is more likely to have rocket pods on the same side as it's gun hand, or something.

Speaking of which, there appears to be a conveniently placed suit of armor stood up right in front of me. I guess it's to placate the readers. There's a sign taped to the arm that says "Made of Nintendium". There's a little blurb about collapsing something or others and some army, but then I remember I'm not supposed to know how to read in this story, so I end up missing most of it. Dammit!

But it's kinda funny how it disintegrates as soon as I touch it. Must have something to do with Gensokyo's wacky laws of physics regarding strength. Or maybe the author just wanted to get it out of the way. Whatever the reason, the pile of metal dust at my feet melts into a puddle, creeps up my leg and adds a shiny new layer to my concrete-coated foot. As it is suddenly shiny, I feel quite awesome--at least, more so than I already was to begin with.


Talk about an arbitrary number. With no base score or scale I have no idea how to measure this. And neither I nor the author know anything about D&D, so the level of damage means nothing either..


Yeah, thanks guy. Big help you are. Don't quit your day job. Well, back to business.


Glad to see you didn't forget it this time, bird brain.

> ;_;
>Too lazy to remember how to link between boards. Latest update copypasta'd. Figured this place needs a story more than the former test board~

Something like this, wasn't it?

At any rate...

[X] Go consult Satori. Maybe she knows Orin went.
File 125202062331.png - (202.96KB, 600x800, abc400eb87f10c1868ffff127244787e.png) [iqdb]
Bit of a low turn-out, huh? So yeah, Satori should know where Orin went. She knows everything, after all! And as luck would have it, our house is right around the corner. Still now sure how an entire palace could fit inside this cave, though.

A bridge and several lakes of lava later, and I'm home. I announce myself as such to be polite, and step inside.

Satori sits just in the next room. She looks a little ticked off for some reason or another. I wonder if I did something wrong..

"You could stand to be a little more quiet." She says, reclining back in her seat.


"If you're looking for Orin, she took off for the surface about a minute ago."


"Yes, I do believe she had that with her."


"Stole it? Well, if you bring her back, I'll set her straight."


So I take off again.

Don't mind the strangeness. She's always holding these one-sided sorts of conversations with people. I'm sure you'd get used to it after a--

I bump into something. It's a, err.. I dunno. Like some kind of armored suit.

[X]It's the Varia Suit! Put it on!
[X] Intruder alert! Purge the invader!
[X]It's the Varia Suit! Put it on!
File 125203244977.jpg - (552.46KB, 1250x1210, e6170f079eba05f29a2eb5d1fb0fb836.jpg) [iqdb]
Ah, so I'm supposed to wear it? Good thing it's empty, otherwise I'd have to destroy it! And it looks so cool too~ I bet there isn't an image in the known universe that could describe how cool it-- Hey! That's perfect!


But it's really a tight squeeze. Getting into the thing isn't gonna be easy. Especially with the concrete around my leg. Luckily, the concrete fits loosely enough that I can remove it. How convenient, right?

Ah, and that makes it just so much easier! Once I'm settled in, the chest and helmet close down around me. I feel a bit frightened as everything gets dark, but it's short lived as the lights come back on a second later!

"Ah, I see you've found the suit."


I look around frantically. I hear her, but I can't see her at all! It just isn't--

"Relax, relax. I haven't put a worm in your brain or anything. This is a radio."

"A what?"

"Try not to think about it too much. You'll fry your brain."


"Well, this suit wasn't supposed to be given to you, well.. At all, but a higher power insisted that I somehow integrate it into the story."

"Was it God?!"

"No. It was the author. He needed an excuse to post the image to your left, and this is the result."

You could've just posted it and said 'hey, look at what I found!' rather than go through this whole mess, you know!

"My thoughts exactly. But if you stay here to long he might turn the story over to Tenshi again."

"Right, soo..."

[X]Track down those pesky space pirates and- Right. No arm cannon. Go to the surface and track down Orin. You've got upgrades to collect and those shielded doors aren't going to open themselves.
[X]Track down those pesky space pirates and- Right. No arm cannon. Go to the surface and track down Orin. You've got upgrades to collect and those shielded doors aren't going to open themselves.
[x] try to master the wall jump while you're at it
[X] Find Orin. Proceed with extreme caution, lest you lose all your suit powers like at the start of every damn game in the series. Stay away from electrical conduits, bodies of water, cliffs, space amoebas, etc.
[X]Track down those pesky space pirates and- Right. No arm cannon. Go to the surface and track down Orin. You've got upgrades to collect and those shielded doors aren't going to open themselves.
File 125204394579.jpg - (743.32KB, 1008x1344, karas.jpg) [iqdb]
Good Okuu, you look kinda KARAS.

[X] Turn into a car and speed outta there like a bird outta Hell.
File 125212066859.jpg - (506.37KB, 1134x1250, 0a16696c77f6791dccf8e66cec005fcd.jpg) [iqdb]
To the surface! Before I begin doing anything else, I need to recover what's already been taken from me!

My arm cannon, and all the food Orin had taken off my plate for all these years!

..Well, at least the arm cannon. That takes priority.

"...Why, oh why have I been involved in your petty squabbles?" Says the disembodied voice of Satori. I still can't figure out where it's coming from, or how to turn it off.

"...She's probably expecting you to go after her. Why not wait around until she gets bored with this and comes back?"

"It's a matter of principle!" I say, "I can't forgive such a blatant lack of respect for other people's things!"


"..What?" Why isn't she saying anything?

"..Very well. At least this way might prove to keep the readers entertained, however illogical it may be. Oh, and watch out for that spider."

"What spider?"


Something runs face-first into me.

"..That spider.." Satori sighs.

"Oh... Hey!" It's Yamame!

...What's Yamame doing this far down in the cave system?

"Ow ow ow~~" She holds her nose, a few small tears running down her face. "Watch where yer going dammit!"


"Satori...?" What should I do? Someone help mee~~

[x] Do you know who I am?
[X] Ask Spider Lady why she's so far down here.
[X] Inform her she has fifteen seconds to comply.
[X] Ten seconds. Nine...eight...seven...six...
[X] Ask Spider Lady why she's so far down here.
[X] Inform her she has fifteen seconds to comply.
[X] Ten seconds. Nine...eight...seven...six...
[X] Wait...are those tanks following you?
[X] Wait a minute...
[X] ...
[X] TANKS!?!
File 125237184953.png - (289.23KB, 675x900, d01264dbd370f07516b6f232d068100d.png) [iqdb]
I turn to Yamame..

Nope, no good. She's glaring at me. That, and..

"Gotta pee."

"Okuu." Says Satori over the radio, "You know full well that protagonists in CYOA stories have no need for such bodily functions. You're just imagining things."

"No I'm nooot~!"

"You certainly are." Yamame steps up to tell me, "Ever read any of the other stories littered about on this board? Have any of the main characters ever even once stopped to use the bathroom?!"

"Umm... Nooo..?"

"Exactly." Back to Satori again, "And being the player character of this story, you should fall in line like the rest of them."

"But I still gotta go.."

"Fine then, but please do try and omit any and all of the details? I'm certain that the majority of readers would rather not read something quite so vile in nature.."

"Yes Ma'am.."

...Moving on.

"So where was I..?" I try to remember where I left off.. "Oh, right, Yama--"

Yamame's gone. Nowhere to be found.

"That's... Convenient.."

"Indeed." Satori continues berating me through the intercom from her place inside the palace. "An now that she's gone, you should move onward. The more lollygagging about you do, the sooner the readers will tire of this story."

"Aww.." I wonder if they've gotten tired of the incessant reminders that we know they even exist.. If only the set walls were constructed of something hardier than solid stone.

...This is a cave after all, what were you people expecting? Tanks? That doesn't seem really all that realistic, you know..

Pfft, tanks in a cave. That sounds almost as corny as snakes on a--

"Okuu!" Satori yells, "Taaaaaaanks!!"

"Tanks?!" Oh, I see now. Tanks. Yeah, in a cave. My bad guys, I really thought the author was gonna take a pass on this one.

But thanks to it's mighty bulk, the tank seems to have gotten itself stuck between the cave's walls. The gun still poses a minor threat, but I quickly sidestep it and fly over before it can fire.

Pulling open the hatch for no reason, I see that the gunner inside is Parsee.

[x] "I know you're jealous of my power, but this is taking it a bit too far."
[x] "I know you're jealous of my power, but this is taking it a bit too far."
[x] Inflict punishment on Parsee attacking you with a tank
[X] Prove to her that you CAN hug with nuclear arms!
[X] Prove to her that you CAN hug with nuclear arms!

Peace through superior firepower
[X] Prove to her that you CAN hug with nuclear arms!
[X] Prove to her that you CAN hug with nuclear arms!
[O] Prove to her that you CAN hug with nuclear arms!
[X]Look around the area after punishing Parsee by hugging her. Surely there is an item to be had, like an Energy Tank, or maybe a Missile Canister.
File 125246500348.jpg - (270.06KB, 1000x1000, 28e96e66e718d322b61b5582dd32b0e1.jpg) [iqdb]
"So what's with the sudden boost in firepower?" I ask, watching her eyes closely as she glares at me in repugnance.

"What does it matter to you?"

"Ask her why she's not at her post." Says Satori. Yeah, yeah..

"Once I get through this cave, the city will be mine for the taking!" Parsee yells, stepping out of the tank. "I will not be reduced to the level of a mere second-stage boss anymore!"

"I don't think any of us have a say in who gets to be the boss of what stage, though.." Why is she talking about the games all of a sudden..? Could it be, she's jealous of the rest of us? Does she blame the people around her for her having been stuck with the title of stage two boss?

I can sorta see where she's coming from.

So I give her a hug.

And nuke the tank.

The ensuing explosion creates a certain dramatic effect--all that light, and let's not forget to mention the gust of wind that blows through the caverns shortly after. She doesn't seem to care too much, but I catch myself wondering how such an explosion didn't[i/] cause the cave to collapse..

"It's okay," I say, "You don't have to be the stage two boss anymore."

"Re-really?!" She steps back, blushing like a girl right outta some corny shoujo manga. Wow, really. This girl is--

I try not to laugh, but I just can't help picking on her a bit..

"If you want, you could always be the stage two midboss."

?!" Ah, she's angry now. "How dare you, you--"

So I hug her again.

"Ahh.." She sighs, suddenly blushing again. She presses her head against me affectionately, eager for more attention. I play with her hair braids a bit and move on.

"H-Hey! Wait!" She calls after me, trying to keep up. "I'm coming too!"

"Uhh.. Sure, okay." With no guidance from Satori, I make the call on my own. "I don't mind if you tag along."

"But.. Where are you going?"

Ah! I was waiting for this! I turn on my heels dramatically, give her an icy stare, and say in a rather failed impression of one of those action movie previews, "To take back what's mine."

"I-I see.." She seems stumped by it. I laugh and keep moving. And to think, I've already gone one update without breaking-- Ahh, shit. You know what? Never mind. I just broke it. Again.

But to keep with the somewhat dramatic tone, I can see light up ahead. Light... At the end of the tunnel.

"Pfft!" Don't laugh, it's just a way to advance the plot. It's really not corny at all. Don't laugh, don't laugh, don'tlaughdontlaughdontlaugh--

"They get the idea, Okuu. Just get on with it.." Satori's extra-cute voice returns to giving me direction. Having her is just like having a little plot fairy whispering into my ear, you know?

"The light! It buuuuuurrrrrrns!!!" Parsee yells, sinking to her knees and grasping at her face.

"A-Are you okay?!" I stoop over to help her up.

"I'm fine, you dolt! I was just checking to see if you actually cared that I was even here." She picks herself up with an absolutely lovely scowl on her face, brushing me to the side without reserve. "Frankly, I'm surprised you managed to pass at all, being the airhead you are.."

Ah, I see.

So moving ahead..

I'm standing outside of a shrine. I'm completely lost. Parsee is still clinging to my arm, as she'd been doing for some time now all while muttering to herself and blushing like a schoolgirl. I think she's in love with me. Satori affirms my suspicions to an extent. Not to mention the snakes. I'm not sure I understand it, but there's snakes flying around in planes up here. And there's a God up with them trying to swat them all down.

The surface world is really, really weird.

And I still haven't found Orin.

[X] Toast those motherfucking snakes on those motherfucking planes and ask God for guidance.
[X] Toast those motherfucking snakes on those motherfucking planes and ask God for guidance.
[X]Romantic moment with Parsee.
[X] Toast those motherfucking snakes on those motherfucking planes and ask God for guidance.
[X]Romantic moment with Parsee.
[z] Toast those motherfucking snakes on those motherfucking planes and ask God for guidance.
[e] Romantic moment with Parsee.
[X]Great Barrier: Collapse

[X] Army of Humanity: Invade

[X] Army of Humanity: Activate the 'Anti-Magic' barriers on your Nintendium* Armour

[X] Snakes in planes: Be the first to fall to mankind's might.

[X] God that was fighting the Snakes in planes: GTFO of there!

[X] Nuklear powered bird-brain: Stand there gasping like a fish out of water.

*Nintendium: A metaplastic alloy that is stronger than diamonds
That shit was already answered. Cease your faggotry.

Silence Anon wannabe.
File 125254196242.jpg - (330.55KB, 1200x986, e15f407c31fa16911868d84b98bff145.jpg) [iqdb]
The snakes ought to go first. At least, that would be my initial thought. Though I'm still missing my control rod, and despite having the capability of nuking a tank in the previous update, I find myself incapable of shooting a beam in a straight line.

One of my failed attempts nearly hits Parsee in the face. She screams. Like a girl.

Well, she is a girl, so I can't really fault her for that utterly high-pitched wail of terror just now..

The God goes about her business, whacking away at the sakes with something that looks like a giant baseball bat. Or...

"Hey! That looks like my control rod!" I yell, pointing up TO THE TOP OF THE SKY. "Give it back!"

"What the Hell are you talking about?" says Parsee in her usual deadpan tone.

"Orin took my control rod! That God has it now!"



"Judging by what the voters want, we're supposed to make out first?"

"Err.." I can see that, but..

Moving ahead..

Parsee lays flat on the ground, panting after what was surely a very, very hot and steamy make-out scene. It takes her a moment to right herself again.

"Was I convincing enough?" She asks.

"Shh! They can hear you! Keep your voice down!"

"Err.. What are you two doing?" Asks the God who has more than likely witnessed the entire debacle.

"Trying to get my control rod back." I say.

"That doesn't tell me much. What happened to it?"

"Jeez! Can you read? Look up, will you?! It's all right there!" Parsee throws out her arms in a blind rage. I wonder if she's jealous of the God's ignorance as well..?

"Ah." I wait for a moment as the God scans through the thread..

"I see. Well I can't say I've seen any cats lately.. Err, except for the one Sanae conveniently picked up some time in the past hour." She pauses, scratching her head.. "You think it might be connected?"

"Okuu! Find that cat!" Barks an impatient Satori. "It has to be Orin!"

"Yeah, yeah.."

"What was that?!"

"Nothing.." I'd rather not catch any flak from a rage-mode Satori. I'll pretend I didn't say anything..

"Then hop to it, will you? I'm growing ever so impatient with you and your laying about."

Parsee looks to me with an understanding smile. "I'm not jealous of that, just so you know."

"Thanks, that reeeaaally helps.." Argh, sigh.

[X] Wait. Why are we going after Orin if God has the control rod now?
>Moving ahead...
[X] Recall your make-out session with Parsee. In detail.
[X] Hop to it.
[x] >>734
[X] Recall your make-out session with Parsee. In detail.
[x] get to the shrine so you can find out more about the cat and your stolen control rod.
[X] Recall your make-out session with Parsee. In detail.
[X] Ask the goddess for the control rod
[X] Recall your make-out session with Parsee. In detail.
[X] Hop to it.
File 125294588885.jpg - (160.15KB, 500x625, a1cf8fc4f4810797af9698e47009e34f.jpg) [iqdb]
I try to recall the details from the previous make-out scene with Parsee.

But the truth is, I can't remember a lick of it. Ehe~❤ Silly me. I can faintly hear disgruntled grumbling emanating from the audience.

"..." I even hear Satori breathing a hefty sigh.

"What?" Did I do something wrong?

"Grow a brain, Okuu." Satori says. "The readers are very disappointed with you."


"For now, stick to your original plan. Find your control rod, and for God's sake try to avoid any more lewd activities?"

"Erm, okay!" I pause, thinking to myself.. "Um.. Where was I going, again?"

"To the shrine, you infinite retard!" Satori yells.

"Why are you angry?"

"Never mind that! Just get going!"

"Okay, okay!" Wait.. "Er, where exactly was the shrine again?"

"How the hell should I know?! Just get out there and.. and find it!!" Her voice seethes with a frustration borderlining outright rage. I wonder if I've ever seen--heard her this angry before..

[X] Take to the sky and head for the first shrine or shrine-like object you see.
[x] bid farewell to Parsee before I forget
[x] Something about a shrine on a mountain? So I'll just head up the mountain until I find a shrine!
[x] To Satori: "U mad?"
[X] Take to the sky and head for the first shrine or shrine-like object you see.
[X]Ignore the fact that 'twas said that the God you just spoke with is in posession of the Rod.
[X]Look for a big mountain and go to the top
[X]On your way, pick up Nitori and ruffle her hair.
Sanaek! Me miss you!
File 125341379127.jpg - (197.07KB, 457x600, 713ad185c4a0ef63d4f99637059b190d.jpg) [iqdb]

It's quiet. Too quiet...

"Knock that off. We've only been stowed away in a text file for a week or so now. It's not really a big deal that it's gotten quiet."


"The viewers expect a bit of timeliness, you see Okuu?" Satori continues, "And when there has been no progress in such a long time, they grow weary. They stop reading. And many tend to get a little miffed.."

> Yeah, my bad.

"You're awfully aware of your position in this, Satori." I say, still wondering to myself how exactly time works in this place. To you, the reader, it would seem an eternity, but for us it is a mere few seconds. The author, of course, is a lazy bas--

> That's quite enough out of you!

"How does he do that?!" The author isn't supposed to insert himself into the story! Isn't there some kind of rule prohibiting that?!

"Okuu. You see, us fictional characters have no free will. We are mere tools, dedicated to whatever motives the author prescribes to us. We merely need to go forth with these objectives, and try not to question ourselves so much." Satori pauses, sighing loudly. "I rue the day Koishi makes an appearance in this.. *Ehem!* But enough about that. I'm supposed to be angry, and you're supposed to retrieve your control rod before I rain Hell down over your pretty little head."

"I... see..?" No, I do not actually see her point. But nevertheless..

To the shrine we go!

"Oh, hey! There's a shrine right over there!!"

"Then hurry it up! I'm losing my patience!"

"Miss Satori..? Erm, why are you so angry all of a sudden?"

"Because I'm supposed to be! Didn't you hear a lick of what I just told you?!" God, she sounds absolutely furious!

"...I forgot." I reply, meekly. My will shattering to pieces in my hands like the shell of an egg. A delicious egg, much like the one I had for lunch the other day! The shell shattered, sure, but that little extra effort makes it just so much more tasty than it normally is! Why, a little salt and this'll all be just so much--

"OKUU!!" Satori's yelling causes my ears to ring. "Now. Is. Not. The. TIME!!"

"Oh, right. My bad!" I laugh, only to take a verbal beating for that as well. Why is she so mad? Is it because I'm moving this along to slow?


"... 'Kay!" Point taken.

So I'm inside this awfully conveniently placed shrine, unable to make a convenient exit from this mechanical suit.. Sooo, I decide to skip trying to take my shoes off and just fly right on in!

"..Empty." There's nothing here! No furniture, no people, no eggs!!

"Cats, Okuu! You're looking for cats!"

"Ah, cats!" Well there is one cat over in the corner there.. It looks suspicious and an awful lot like Orin..

"Hurry and catch her already!"

"Catch her?"

"YES! Get on with it!"

>You heard her! GET ON WITH IT!

[x] Catch that cat.
File 125342151756.jpg - (29.98KB, 800x441, OHGETONWITHIT.jpg) [iqdb]
[X]Attack the readers.

To see what happens.
To author: Are you frustrated?
File 12535543684.jpg - (78.04KB, 385x550, 9b983bd682ce97713e4fb512d796888e.jpg) [iqdb]
"Alright, alright. I get it! If I catch the cat this'll all be over, right?"

"Just catch her.."

I carefully approach the cat that I'm sure looks suspiciously like Orin..

"You're sure it looks like Orin, Or it is Orin?" Satori asks. "Your phrasing is terrible!"

"Shh! I'm trying to concentrate!" This would be easier if I was promised some sort of reward.

..I'll refrain from thinking about eggs. Delicious eggs. Scrambled, fried, boiled--it's all the same to me! But if they're fried, pepper is an absolute requirement for the deliciousness to exceed--


"Eep!" I jump forward, close enough to land on the cat. Just to be on the safe side, I throw a small ball of nuclear flaming death in it's direction as I come down on top of it.


Aw, c'mon! It's not as bad as it sounds!

Nevertheless, the cat seems to have anticipated this and jumps clear out of the way as I land awkwardly in the hole I made through the floor.

"You little..!!" I pick myself up, gritting my teeth and ready to strike again. I grab a suspicious looking stick from the nearby table, swinging it madly in the cat's general direction.

Now, I don't quite know why, but the shrine falls to pieces. Like, in chunks of burning wood and mortar and whatever else they make shrines out of nowadays. The cat, of course, has been careful to keep itself from being mentioned in order to expedite it's escape.

So it's gone, and all I'm left with is this funny stick and lots and lots of burning rubble.

"AHHHHH!!!" I think I hear somebody scream. Of course this is much less convincing in text form when the sound is clearly spelled out as a scream. I think I'll cross it out, just to be safe..

"My shrine!!"

Oshi- It's the armpit miko! Time to fly!

Moving ahead..

I made a clean getaway, carrying with me only this stick and the clothes on my back. And chest, and legs.. Well, pretty much my all-over clothes. And my pride--can't forget that--unbroken by what would surely have been a miserable battle had I stuck around.. The cat, sadly, has been left to be dinner for deal with the armpit miko.

I wonder if her shrine's God is obsessed with armpits or something.

"She probably saw you.." Satori sighs heavily, "I'm gonna catch all sorts of hell for this, you know." She falls silent for a good long while.

"For that matter, what's with the stick?"

"Oh, that's just my control rod.." I look it over a little more carefully.

My control rod!?

Oh, hey! It is! I got it back!

... "So now what?" Game over, right?

"Who knows. The story should probably end now. The author hadn't planned out this far ahead, but.."

>I can make things up as I go along. Remember Gunman in Gensokyo? Yeeaahh.

"So long as you don't back us and yourself into a corner, go right ahead and have fun." I say, "Let's just hope that the plot doesn't get so convoluted that we can't even--"

>Okuu receives the power to explode people's heads.
>Okuu receives the power to explode people's hearts.
>Okuu receives the power to read people's hearts.


>Okuu receives the power to pass gas rather loudly.
>Okuu receives the power to maintain and administer Windows 2003 Server.
>Okuu receives the power to subnet.
>Okuu receives the power to drive a bus.
>Okuu receives the power to code HTML.
>Okuu receives the power to see outside the fourth wall.
>Okuu receives the power to have all the powers she wants.

"Uhm.. Where exactly are you going with this?" I'm a little lost, here..

>Beats me, but it's fun. Also, you're the most beautiful person in Gensokyo and everybody loves you and wants to have amazing sex with you despite your troubled past and--

>Am I forgetting anything?

"...Yeah." Satori sounds genuinely angry, for a change. "You forgot to order a replacement for yourself you insufferable little piece of--"

"Aaaaand.. That's our cue for the miko to show up.."

"Yoooooooouuuuuuuuu--!!!" She might as well be foaming at the mouth she's so blindly enraged.. "I'LL RIP YOU IN TWO, YOU BIRD-BRAINED RETARD!!"

[x] "Look! there's money blowing in the wind"
[x] If that fails, create a diversion in which to RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
>Okuu receives the power to maintain and administer Windows 2003 Server.
I call BS. That's simply not possible.

[x] Increase your EVIL INTELECT by creating CUNNING PLAN
No wait, wrong thread:
[x] "Look! Your epidermis is showing!" You perverted miko you
[x] Drive a bus over the armpit miko.
[x] To Reimu: What I want to ask is, why are you angry?
[X]"Why so serious?"
[+] "U mad?"
File 125409348415.jpg - (1.31MB, 1803x1074, 029968142206166ced4d29571dbfc1dc.jpg) [iqdb]
>You feel a black wind blow through you.
>All weapons dropped to level 1!

Shit. Well, uh..

"Run!" Satori yells frantically, more surprised than myself. Truth be told, I should've expected this much. Yeah, a Cave Story rip-off. In /underground/! Who could've guessed? Or better yet, who the hell thinks up this crap?

"Dammit, Okuu! She's going to kill you!" Satori continues to yell this and that into my ear. "Get out of there!"

But with the power to

>You don't have any powers. Not any more.

... And my nuclear fus

>Gone. You are just an ordinary hell raven.


I'm going to kill you, you know that right?

>Just try. Hee hee hee.

"Uuurraaaarrrrggghhhhh!!" Reimu shrieks, landing a punch direct-center into my forehead suddenly dying of a heart attack mid-flight.

...Well, that was unexpected.


"NO, NO CONTINUES!" This ends here, madman! I drag Luigi Sanae into the mix, and by the power of miracles all of my powers are returned still gone.

>Nice try.

"Fuck!" I beat my fist against the nearest tree, punching a hole straight through it. Wood splinters blow out every which way, and the few that are stuck in my hand are easily brushed off.

"Erm.. Can I go home now?" Says Luigi Sanae, shaken and unsteady. Did I scare her?

"Uh.. Sure." I try to pull my fist from the tree only to realize that it's stuck.

"Okuu, question." Satori reminds me that she still exists in the story. "First, if you're in a metal suit, how did you manage to get all those splinters stuck in your hand?"

"No idea." Guess the fagtard author just forgot it even existed. For that matter, am I still in the suit?

>No, you're not.

..Then how is Satori talking to me?

>Cellular phones.

"And how, might I ask, would this cellular phone work in Gensokyo?"

>Deus ex machina.

"I'd say he's clever," I tell Satori, "But he really isn't."

"Personally, I think an author should not have so much interaction with the characters in his or her story." Satori says calmly, "If I were him I'd--"


Aaaaand here we are again, folks! I'm powerless, being chased down by an angry white and blood-colored miko, and I haven't even gone off into a tangent about eggs this time!

"HOW DARE YOU!" Reimu shrieks, "You'll never kill me off so easily again!"

Ah, she's veered off to the left! Am I not being chased any more?

"I think she's going after the author, Okuu." Satori breaths a triumphant sigh.

"Oh, well, then.."

>Oh no! Not that! Anything but-

"Serves you right, asshole." But how exactly did she manage to cross over outside the story?

"No fourth wall makes it far easier than one would expect." Satori snickers,

>O- Argh! Okuu's powers are returned! Oooohhh..!

[x]You are Utsuho.
[x]You want to be The Guy.
[x]To do that, you must kill The Guy.

[ ] Did you know the witch-girl Satori had a sister? Her name was Koishi. Like her sister, she wielded powers far beyond those of mortals...
[X] Get back on track and get that control ro-EGGS
[ ] Did you know the witch-girl Satori had a sister? Her name was Koishi. Like her sister, she wielded powers far beyond those of mortals...
[X] Get back on track and get that control ro-EGGS
File 125417321776.jpg - (158.49KB, 1600x1200, maxpayne.jpg) [iqdb]
[X]...And now I was going to kill her - the Shrine Maiden of Paradise who had tried to lift herself a bit closer to heaven with her donation money. No begging, no spellcard duels. She knew better. Honor among idiots, "we who are about to die." Both of us knew how this would end: in pain and suffering.
[x] Marshal the might of Gensokyo to bring an end to the Author's tyranny.
[x] Marshal the might of Gensokyo to bring an end to the Author's tyranny.
[x] Then have some boiled eggs
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Wow. That blow to the author's anus must've been pretty nasty. He's been outta commission for almost two weeks now.

At least, I think it’s been two weeks. I kinda lost track after the first few days of gorging myself with eggs and waiting for some manner of progress the votes started pouring in. And wow-ee, there’s a lot of ‘em!

“That’s because you’re entertaining, I suppose.” Satori says in her usual deadpan tone, “I can’t say for certain—reading minds over an electronic medium like the internet proves to be rather difficult.”

“Why not make a computer virus or something?” I suggest, “Call it ‘satori.exe’. It could be a keylogger-slash-mind reading program.”

“I fear that just isn’t possible, Okuu.” She chides, “Now would you kindly get back to following the story?”

“Ah, right. Yes ma’am!” Though where do I begin..? Ooooh~! I like that one! The one with the square-head man! Gritty cop drama? Can do!

“Please don’t..”

“Not now, I’m—err, what was I doing again?”

“You were about to digress into yet another tangent about food, but I’d like to ask you to refrain from doing so for at least another ten updates or so.”

“That...” Could be difficult. Not after what the bitch did to me. I’d like nothing more than to shave her neck with a razor and—

“Okuu! What the Hell?!”

“Ah, Satori! I remembered! This is a gritty crime drama now! I need to try to sound disgruntles and disaffected—and a lot of other dis-something words!”

“Now isn’t the time!”

“It isn’t?”

“Not with my sister and Orin still on the loose, it’s not! Get after them!”

“If it’s your sister you’re worried about, she’s right over here..”

“Hiya!” Koishi smiles, standing only about a foot to my left. “I helped Okuu pull her hand out of a tree!”

“I see.” I’m not sure if Satori’s relieved or hopping mad. The audible sigh coming from her end of the phone does little to tell me what’s on her mind. “Well then, please do try and come home tonight?”

“What for? I’m having way too much fun!”

Uh-oh. Her idea of fun is a little--

>€ℕ∓∑℞ ℂ⌽₥ℳ@ℵ₫
[X]Have fun with her!
[X]What could possibly go wrong?
[X]Have fun with her!
[X]What could possibly go wrong?
[Q]Have fun with her!
[Q]What could possibly go wrong?
[X]Have fun with her!
[X]What could possibly go wrong?
[DIN]Have fun with her!
[NER]What could possibly go wrong?
File 125531443744.jpg - (243.50KB, 1275x1050, 76cf8ab25f1e1abcdabb3ff2d8da5be6.jpg) [iqdb]
…Her idea of fun is completely AWESOME!!

But not awesome in the normal sense. No, no, no. Not at all. For example, imagine, if you will, that the AWESOME in the sentence above is not just a normal AWESOME, but a rainbow-colored AWESOME in <h2></h2> font size. For the readers that know HTML, that’s pretty big, but it could be bigger. Sometimes, I feel that she isn’t having fun to the fullest possible potential. You know, like driving a car sideways while eating eggs, but the eggs aren’t salted. It really isn’t a good thing to have unsalted eggs. Without a little added flavor, they don’t taste quite as—

“Okuu!” As if on cue, Satori interrupts yet another of my egg-related tangents. I’m fairly certain that, by this point, her constant interruption may be some sort of plot device.

“No, it’s not.” Argues Satori, responding to my thoughts. “You really need to keep on track for a change.. And no you may not go cavorting around with Koishi. Please stay on track.”

“Oh, but..” I’ve been playing with Koishi already for quite some time now, though I hadn’t quite realized it until just a moment ago. Must’ve happened while I was thinking, but we seem to have built some sort of missile-slash-rocket thing.

“Okuu gets to go to the moon!” Koishi declares with a child-like glee. The smile on her face could melt even the coldest of hearts, and maybe some butter too. But—

“I don’t wanna go to the moon!” I argue, fighting my way out of the cockpit. “I wanna go home! There’s no eggs on the moon!” But there is cheese, which is disgusting, mind you. Whoever invented cheese should die. Horribly. In a nuclear steam bath! How dare they sully the delicious taste of scrambled eggs with such blasphemy! Why, I—

“OKUU!” Satori yells, “Goddammit, stop all this nonsense and find Orin!”

“But I—“

FIND her, NOW!”



[x] You know what? Fuck this. I'm gonna go become a nun!
[x] Find Orin so you can send HER to the moon. It has cheese thus it has mice, thus she'll like it.
[X] Find Orin on the moon!
[x]Get Orin and Go back to the underground, so that bitch can finally shut the hell up.
[X]Find Orin so you can PUNCH her to the moon.
[X]WILL Orin into the moon.
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I guess I have no choice…

“No, you don’t.” Satori says bluntly.

“Can I at least send her to the moon instead?” I ask, trying to keep this somewhat interesting.

“Noooo~!” Koishi cries, gripping my collar and shaking me with all her might, “Okuu is the only one who can go to the moon~!”

“Damn.” No way out, I suppose. Maybe if I glue a few feathers onto Orin’s back and take off her fake cat ears…

“Those are real cat ears, Okuu.” Says Satori, “And that sort of disguise could only fool a retarded parrot.”

“Or crow..” Koishi adds, much to my dismay. Her smiling face does nothing to alleviate the sudden angst I feel. Though the fact that she’s making fun of me doesn’t come to mind until far after the feeling has passed, strangely enough. I wonder if I’m slowly beginning to slow down. Slowly.

But you know, now that I think about it.. The word ‘angst’ reminds me of something. But what else could it be but eggs! I get to thinking, what if they didn’t call it the ‘yolk’, but instead called it the ‘angst’. Why I start to think this sort of bewildering thing all of a sudden is... The reason must lay deeply embedded in my brain, deeper than even the base instinctual bits. Right down to the bone. Bone is a part of the brain, right? Regardless, they laughed at me because of it!

“Actually, that was just my sister. I, personally, respect your intelligence… However meager it may be.” Says Satori in an attempt to defend herself, “And while we’re on the subject, might you consider first getting yourself out of that rocket? She’s about ready to light the fuse..”

“Huh? Rocket? … Oh.” When did I get back inside? Or, more importantly, why did I? Wasn’t I supposed to be too busy thinking about egg angst to be doing much else? I bet Koishi’s having fun playing around inside my mind like she does with everyone else she meets. She’s like an alcoholic or something, only instead of alcohol it’s messing around with peoples’ brainy bits.

“Okuu, that’s a stupid idea and the sooner you stop calling it that, the better.”

“Hmm?” Oh, she must mean that thing about angst. “You know,” I say, prying myself out of the rocket once again and trying to keep out of Koishi’s reach, “I think it sounds better! ‘Yolk’ is such a messy word!”

“…So are your eating habits, but you don’t hear the rest of us complain..”

“Orin does. A lot.” I have a feeling my ‘eating habits’ as they were may have driven her to embark on this crazy twisted voyage of stealing my control rod and trying to do… Uhhh… Now that I think of it, she’d never really been given a motive for any of this.. It does make for an interesting plot, though. I guess, if you want to call it a plot… It’s not much of one, I think.

“Let’s just say she’s mad at you and leave it at that.” Satori says, her voice mixed in with the groans and one quieted fart of the readers.

“…What?” Satori seems to take offense, “Is there something wrong with that?”

“Perhaps if you made it more interesting?” Koishi throws her hat into the discussion, actually throwing her hat as well. She stomps on it for effect, grinding it into the mud and grass. “Like, maybe her cat-ness is too low, or somebody put glue in her hair?” Koishi fidgets for a moment… “I think this would also be the proper time to say that I did, in fact, put glue in her hair the other day when she was sleeping.”

“Ugh,” How cruel. Somebody should call the ASPCA on this woman. I’m sure Satori would praise me if I..

“Glue?” Satori giggles, “What kind?”

“The super kind. She’ll be bald for a week.”

The two burst out laughing while I try dialing a number into this cell phone the Gods author has seen fit to give me. Sadly, animal protection is not on speed-dial, but I do get to make an order of a thousand pizzas delivered to the Hakurei shrine. Who would’ve thought Gensokyo had a pizza parlor in the area…?

I try messing with it a bit further. I accidentally call emergency services in some city called “Hartford”, hang up and try something else. Finally, I get a hold of some vaguely familiar voice..

“Nnnngh.. Yeah..?” Sounds like ,whoever it is has been sleeping.


[x] "Quick! Get me out of here! All I wanted to do was eat some boiled eggs!"
[X] "It's me again, Margaret. Hello? Is this Margaret? I know it's you, Margaret! You wanna hear me bark like Rin-Tin-Tin?"
[x] "Quick! Get me out of here! All I wanted to do was eat some boiled eggs!"
[X]"Hello, I'd like to order a pizza, with a side order of escaping-a-rocket tools."
[X] Hey Yukari
[x] I'd hit it
File 125635863725.jpg - (717.45KB, 561x831, 13e224b0b00a610b770774635d78d865.jpg) [iqdb]
“Hey, lady!” I yell into the phone, guessing at a gender. Considering Gensokyo’s male to female ratio, it’s going to be far more likely that the person answering is female. “You gotta help me! You gotta get me outta here!”

“Mmmmh..” The person on the other end grunts, groans angrily, possibly flings the phone across the room, and suddenly the rocket ship is gone.

Along with Koishi, the phone I was holding, and the grassy bits under my feet. Instead, I find myself coming out of somebody’s bed. It’s not mine, I’m sure, so it’s likely I didn’t dream all of this nonsense. Otherwise, wouldn’t I normally be expected to wake up in my own bed?

Well, to be honest, somebody could’ve washed the sheets. I probably couldn’t tell the difference between this bed and mine if it wasn’t so damned clean. Again, I expect the ASPCA would like a few words with Satori on the matter. She’s a good person, sure, but I think the number of pets she tries to keep has her spread a little thin.

Or she’s just mad at me over accidentally blowing up half of Chireiden sometime a few months back. I’d take the time to explain further, but somebody walks into the room while I’m contemplating.

I hide. Why I’m hiding is something I’m not too sure of myself. If I woke up in somebody else’s bed all of a sudden, I’d normally expect me to jump out and scream, “What the HELL is this?!


The lady just walking in stares at me..

“I… Said that out loud, didn’t I?”

“You did.” She replies bluntly. “Did I wake you?”

“Huh?” She doesn’t show any sign of surprise—like a nuclear-powered crow girl suddenly jumping out of her bed is a normal daily sort of activity for her. “Err..”

Wait, where did my wings go? Shit, err.. Wait, what the hell? What’s wrong with my hair?!

“Are you perhaps ill?” She asks.

“No, erm..” Oh, wait, I get it now! There must’ve been a character swap and nobody bothered to tell me about it! Well, shit! Now how am I supposed to explain all this?

“Just lie and pretend like it’s all part of the act.” Says the little grey mouse at my feet, scurrying away into a crack in the wall before I have a chance to catch it or stomp on it.

“Uhh..” Now who the hell would buy that? It’s already nearing the end of the update and I’m just now beginning to realize my mistake! The jig is up, I tell ya! Up, and blown all to hell! Might as well just give up..

But not while this tiger-looking lady is still staring me down. I don’t think she’d take kindly to it if I suddenly reverted changed character right in front of her. Especially considering I seem to have taken on the form of become Byakuren. Yes, that Byakuren. From the latest game released just a few months back. You guys know the one.

And all that’s left to say now is,

“What a twist!”

[X] Quick! Act like the all-loving ultra-hippie you have apparently become!
[X] Organize a peace rally/love-in on the steps of the Hakurei Shrine! We'll make beaded necklaces and hold hands while singing "We Will Endure"!
[X] Quick! Act like the all-loving ultra-hippie you have apparently become!
[X] Organize a peace rally/love-in on the steps of the Hakurei Shrine! We'll make beaded necklaces and hold hands while singing "We Will Endure" and other peace-related songs.
[X] Quick! Act like the all-loving ultra-hippie you have apparently become!
[X] Organize a peace rally/love-in on the steps of the Hakurei Shrine! We'll make beaded necklaces and hold hands while singing "We Will Endure"!
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“Twist? What twist?” Shou asks, still in the dark concerning the current situation. Well, she never did seem too bright, so maybe the darkness is all in her head.

“No matter.” I say, “To the shrine!” I point and yell, but she doesn’t budge. The confused look on her face makes me want to burst out laughing, but I somehow manage to keep my calm. We can’t have me acting all out of character and blowing my cover ruining the story, now can we?

So I say again, thrusting my finger repeatedly in the direction of the door, “To. The. Shrine!”

“Okay, okay..” My word, I think she’s got it! Her reluctance to mindlessly obey me is disturbing.

So moving ahead, we arrive at the shrine. For some reason, we’re covered in flower necklaces and strange bronze medallions, but more on that later. Reimu stands at the top step, looking about as pissed off as usual.

So I ask, “What’s wrong?”

“I’ll tell you what’s wrong!” She says, preparing to indulge us in yet another one of her long and mindlessly tiresome tirades about donations or something. “That damned bird bitch blew up my shrine!”

“Whoops.” Yeah, my bad. Completely forgot about that. Tee hee.

“Whoops?” Reimu eyeballs me suspiciously, her glare seeming to make an awesome attempt at driving a stake through my face. She really doesn’t want us here, does she? “Whaddaya mean, ‘whoops’?!”

“Nothing much.” What would Byakuren say at a time like this? I’m about as familiar with her character as the author and several of the readers are. Which is to say not very. I guess I’ll just make things up as I go along, starting with, “Anyways! We’re here to take over your shrine!” So many people are out to conquer the Hakurei shrine, and I doubt this character is much different.

“…Wearing flower necklaces and peace medallions?”

“…” Err, now what..? “Um.. It’s a different kind of taking over!”

“Do you intend to take over her shrine peacefully or something?” Shou asks, whispering into my ear, “For that matter, hadn’t you been preaching equality up until this point?”

“Was I?”

“…Did you forget even your poor dead brother’s wishes?” Even she eyeballs me suspiciously now. With everyone eyeballing me suspiciously, I wouldn’t be surprised if a bunch of eyeballs jumped out of the forest right about now.

“Sup,” says a tank-slash-evil eye thing before fading out once again into the sidelines, leaving me to wonder exactly what the hell the point of that was.

“…” Shou falls silent, staring at me strangely as an assortment of eyeball-ish characters pop in and out of the story.

I’ll withhold a description of them, considering they’re minor and fairly useless characters at this point. One of them starts walking towards me, proving that she might be more than useless and maybe even related to the plot, so I’ll describe her first. She’s short, has a weird hair color and hat, and an extra eyeball. She stops just short of where I stand, rubbing the other two eyes that are still firmly planted in her head where they should be.

Sniveling, she says, “Okuu.. *sniff* May you live forever on the moon.”

“Wait, wait, wait.” I didn’t go to the moon!

…Did I?

…Shit. So all this was a lie and I’m stuck sitting on the moon after having pulled myself out of Koishi’s rocket ship. That subconscious manipulation of hers is really quite something.. Of course, without atmosphere and gravity it’s not long before I float away and suffocate to death.


…Of course, me being on the moon was a lie, and I fully intend on resuming from the point where Koishi wished me a safe-ish voyage… Or something. It seemed more like a eulogy, the way she was crying.

But now, after my having interrupted her, she starts to eyeball me strangely as well. Slowly, she lifts a finger.

Pointing at me, she mutters, “Impostor!”

[X]Impostor? I hardly knew her!
[X]Errr, I mean no! I'm Byaku-whatshername! I ain't myself! Peace and cooperation for Youkai and humans!
[X]Cover is blown! RUN AWAY!
[x] Point back dramatically, and use your Ultimate Comeback That Defeats Anything!
[x] "...NUH-UH!"
[X]Always remember: When in doubt, kill everyone else.
File 125667631338.jpg - (669.54KB, 800x800, 06f72b7396534740459dcf6339ba4324.jpg) [iqdb]
Bah! So I’m found out?! Only one thing to do in this scenario, and that’s—

Kill everybody? Really? Seriously? Of all the insane—Look, is that really something a hippie-inspired peace-loving and equality-preaching mage would do? No. It isn’t.

Oh, but I’m found out, aren’t I? Well, shit. I guess I’ll just run!


Strike-wha? The fuck? This isn’t some sort of video game, asshole!

And it’s only now I realize that I haven’t moved so much as an inch.

“You’re funny.” Koishi laughs, lowering her accusing hand.

“I—I am?!” Frankly I’m amazed at her naiveté. After all that nonsense all she can come up with is that I’m somehow funny? Like, I amuse her?


No, it’s not! Oh dear God why is the author such a retard? Can’t somebody just silently put him out of his misery and let somebody sane take over? I lament my position in this story almost as much as the poor folks at home reading it. My heart goes out to all of you.

>That isn’t very nice.


Anyways, back to the main story! Where was I, now? Oh, right, Everybody was staring at me and Koishi had just called me an impostor. Which is, to say, the most accurate an accusation biggest, bold-faced lie one could make regarding my position. I’m certainly no impostor, though I do appear to be trapped in somebody else’s body and—

Oh dear, something seems to have fallen loose. My clothing has begun to come unraveled. In a sexy sort of way, mind you. But it does inconvenience me so. The culprit of this mess is none other than—

“Koishi!” I yell, trying to push her away, “Knock it off!”

“Hehe~” She giggles, tearing out another ribbon and cavorting off towards the shrine.

“…” The remaining two, Reimu and Shou, fall deathly silent as I struggle to keep myself dressed. No, if I wasn’t so keen on keeping my identity hidden was back in my own body, I think I could do something about this. Maybe nuke some rocks together and make a dress out of magma, maybe. Yeah, no way physics could get in the way of that. Well if I were to nuke them together at a ludicrous speed and as hard as I can, maybe friction could—

>You’re doing it again.

“Who’re you?”

>The author. I’m filling in for Satori until she somehow reappears in the story. Don’t worry, I’ll have the dues ex machine rolling in soon enough.

“Well, that’s a relief.. I guess.”

“Who’re you talking to?” Shou asks, forcing me to remember the fact that side characters are selectively blind to the author’s presence. Reimu seems to understand perfectly my situation. Well, thankfully not the part where I somehow hijacked a body, but otherwise.. Yeah.

“Shou, would you believe me if I told you I was speaking to God?” Well, maybe God in a more logical sense.


“He’s very upset with you for questioning my judgement.”

“Or lack thereof.” Reimu adds snidely.

>Could you guys maybe leave me out of this?



(Critical strike-through error! Reuploaded for your convenience~)
[X]Blame this god for everything that happened so far.
It's what people do.
[X]Blame this god for everything that happened so far.

It's an accurate assessment that's for sure.
[X]Blame this god for everything that happened so far.
[X] Tenko! Do Tenko!
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And just so you know, I’m blaming you for all of this. It’s all your fault.

>That’s the whole point. And you are powerless to stop me.


Oh dear. Now where do I go from here? I’ve blamed the author-slash-God for all of my troubles, though I don’t feel particularly better about it. Furthermore, by blaming him, I’ve essentially allowed myself to believe that a lowlife piece of trash like him is a God. Misery!

>Hee hee hee

“Oh, go die in a fire.”

… And yet again, the others look at me wondering if I’ve gone insane. Well, maybe I have. I’m talking to bits of text that may very well be inside my head. Who knows, the whole idea that this is just a story could be all in my head. And while I’m thinking about it, maybe I really am Byakuren and I’m having some sort of pipe dream where I’m imagining that I’m somebody else trapped in my own body!

Yeah, as if. What a load of crap I’m spewing. But at least it’s entertaining, right?


Well, I hope it is, at least somewhat. Because despite my belief that I’m actually entertaining, who knows! You might all be reading this because it’s so incredibly droll and tedious because you like things like that! My God, you’re all insane! Why don’t you go read Gatsby for the millionth time like the nit-picky socialite cheese-heads you all are!

“Uh… Oh, right!” I’ve completely forgotten about the story! Yet another brilliant segue from monologue to dialogue! Or maybe this is a crude sort of soliloquy? Err.. I’m no English major, go ask HY.

“Right..?” Shou pats me on the shoulder, sighing with worry. Maybe she too thinks I’ve gone absolutely bonkers. Well, I have. I think. Or maybe if I actually have I—

”Hey, stop that.”

“Wha--?” That sounded like--!!

“Yes, yes, it’s me.” Satori grumbles, walking onto the stage into the story. “The author made good on his promise for a change, and, well, here I am.” She really seems loathe to make a second appearance in this monumental train wreck of a CYOA. I’m not even sure if it’s a CYOA at all anymore. The plot seems to have fallen right off the rails and now suddenly explodes into a ball of fire. It doesn’t particularly help that Satori’s so upset.

“…And for a more important question, what the Hell are you doing in that body?”

“Eh?” Shou perks up immediately, turning her full attention towards me. “..Now that you mention it..”

“Impostor~!” Koishi yells gleefully, pointing at me and smiling victoriously. Well, I’m done for. I hope these two eggheads are happy. And speaking of eggs…

“No.” Satori groans, half-heartedly punching me down a few steps. I’m indignant, sure, but I’m just too fed up to bother acting out.

“..So anybody mind telling me just what the fuck is going on?” Reimu inquires with growing impatience. Hands at her hips, she stares down at all of us.

“Long story short, somebody’s been messing around with our reality again.” Satori explains, equally half-heartedly as when she drilled me one right in the face. How a punch can be half-hearted could only be described by staring deeply into Satori’s utterly sick and tired expression. It’s almost like she’s lost the will to live.

Another story?” Reimu asks, crossing her arms in front of her. “Won’t they ever learn..”

“Unlikely. And new characters always make for excellent prey.” Shou describes the authors like they were some kind of race of ravenous beasts eagerly awaiting a chance to pull the meat off our bones. “Sadly, it would appear that our presence hasn’t gone unnoticed for very long, and.. Well, now look at the mess I’m in.”

You’re in?” Satori grabs her, casting an incredulous glare. “What about my pets?!”

“You’re old news, I guess.” Shou shrugs, “Sadly the author destroying our lives at this very moment seems to have taken a liking to you and your game.”

“Ah.” I get it. He’s a masochist! He likes Subterranean Animism because it’s harder than the other games!

>Or maybe because NUCLEAR.

“Yeah, sure, that too.” I sigh, awaiting a moment of opportunity where I might finally be able to make something explode in a ball of hydrogen-fueled fire.

“So, more importantly, why don’t you guys get off my lawn?” Reimu waves dismissively and walks away, “Stick around too long and you might regret it.”

Holy plot ticket Batman! It’s so clear what I have to do now! Thank you Reimu, our savior for a minute! We will worship you as slightly less than a God for a minute!

Oooor maybe not. Taking author bathroom breaks into consideration, that minute has long since been up, but the plot ticket remains unclaimed.

[X] Redeem the plot ticket for a prize at the counter. Try to get one of those rubber band guns, those are awesome.
[X] Failing that, make something explode in a ball of hydrogen-fueled fire.
[X] Attack Reimu
[X] Holy crap it's a dragon! Get in the-
[X]Use whatever item is in spot 1.
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I attempt to attack Reimu, but failing a Reality Check, my attack doesn’t even get off the ground. Instead, I decide to see what I’ve got in my pocketses. I count:

1 SNES cartridge (Generic beat ‘em up)
2 Types of hair dye (One labeled “Yumemi Red”, the other being “Buddhist Technicolor”)
1 Explosive decompression-resistant wristwatch (With tungsten-plated glass)
1 2x4 plank of wood (Labeled “Bash & Sons”)
7 Plot devices
1 Live pet snake (His name is Nibbles)
1 Gun (Grip engraved “Chekov’s”)
2 Demonoid invite codes
15242 Dust mites
375 yen in loose change

Sadly, nothing of much use. Though according to the votes, I whip out the SNES cartridge and use it. But there’s no SNES game deck in sight, so I just shove it back into my pocketses. The sonic boom produced by said shoving knocks Reimu once and for all off of the soapboxes she’d had permanently affixed to her feet. Somehow, the SNES cartridge survives the impact.

The others are somehow amazed at this feat, though I must say I’m the most surprised. Until just now there was no sign or even the slightest hinting of an inventory system. Particularly odd is the name, ‘my pocketses’. I’m sure most of you get the reference.

The items themselves aren’t particularly outstanding. All of them are fairly normal. The snake especially. It’s holding the gun, mind you, though I’m not too sure how the laws of physics have been bent to accommodate this. I feel like somebody may have gone over this once already, though let’s just hope the gun stays a gun and doesn’t turn into something like, a steamroller or some nonsense.

“Interesting.” Shou adds, bringing the matter to a close as I go to redeem this plot ticket. I begin the slow and arduous process of removing myself from the shrine, when all of a sudden a familiar red and black-colored cat jumps into the road.

[x] Moonwalk outta there
[x] Resume the non-nonsensical discussion.
File 12568736167.png - (11.89KB, 128x128, icarus.png) [iqdb]

[X]Examine GUN.
File 125694590446.jpg - (20.42KB, 374x100, 3.jpg) [iqdb]
[x] "Damn Cat! Stealing my arm, blocking Dan in IPF, and all your other stunts. YOU'RE MINE NOW!"

Sure it's kinda meta, but hey in this story chances are Okuu would blame the author.
File 12569550623.jpg - (16.15KB, 227x248, sinistar.jpg) [iqdb]
[ ] Run, Coward.
[X]Avenge your avian bretheren lost to the fire and brimstone menace!
File 125727483070.jpg - (245.82KB, 600x718, 21c907f3abfc8ba86357749063266bbe.jpg) [iqdb]

“Byakuren, What are yo—“

I flee, running before Shou can finish her sentence. Why I’m running can only be answered by the readers themselves, but run in fear I must. I fear that my cover has been blown, and my disguise current body seems to be breaking down at a rapid rate. That damned cat must have something to do with this!

I run headlong into a tree. At least, I think it’s a tree. Trees don’t talk to people, do they? I have mere seconds to ponder this before I pass out.


I come to in a dark room. Well, the room is regularly dark, but the readers wouldn’t know any better having come in only just now. I live in this room, or rather the palace that it has been built into. This is my domain, having only been recently restored after a freak armpit accident destroyed it many years ago.

..I’m talking about PC-98, mind you. Play the games if you haven’t done so already. The author is absolutely in love with them and unless you don’t know the references this will be a very tedious read indeed.

My favorite servant walks into the room.

“Are you awake?” She asks cautiously, opening the door slightly and peering inside.

I say nothing, wondering how she might react this time. The results of this particular exposition piece are generally very, very sexy, and I’m sure the rest of you wouldn’t want to miss it for the world.

Suddenly, I find a scythe buried deep into the pillow, mere inches from my face.

“Oh, Yuuka~” She giggles, “It’s already past NOON!” The scythe is pulled down lengthwise, splitting the mattress in two. This is a usual occurrence, mind you. I feel not even the least bit of fear. I can’t say the same for the mattress—I find myself replacing them more and more often as of late.

“If you don’t wake up~” She pauses, dragging the scythe along the stony floor back to her, “You’ll be sooooorry~!” I can imagine the smile on her face as she speaks. And here people think I’m a sadist.

I sit up, cleanly dodging a strike that would have likely taken my head clean off.

“Elly,” I say, “That’s the fifth bed this week… And it’s not even Tuesday.”

“Oh, but I thought it was Wednesday,” She says, completely missing the point.

“…” I stand silently, dressing myself and thankful she hasn’t seen fit to cut up my wardrobe along with the rest of my furniture. I wonder silently to myself if it’s physically possible to have that scythe surgically removed from her person. It may as well be a part of her, all things considered.

“Ah, I completely forgot!” She says hurriedly, “We seem to have a bit of a bat problem.”

“Bat problem?” I wonder, “Did Kurumi get into the rafters again?”

“Oh, no no no,” She seems cautious to correct me, “There, ah… are a pair of vampires at our door demanding that we hand over the palace.”

“Oh dear..” I figure I’ll wear red today. So that the bloodstains don’t show.

[X] Come in peace
[X] Shoot to kill
[x] Come in peace
[x] Shoot to kill
Actually, Orin should've been the one running...
Oh well.

[x] Open the door politely, invite them through, offer them a cup of tea or coffee...
[x] ...and kill them before they answer
File 12572938207.jpg - (332.66KB, 540x713, 2d76fca9c38ecead417d6b744367e3e8.jpg) [iqdb]
“Well, I suppose I should go out there and say ‘hi’,” I say not-so-eagerly. Vampires Bats are difficult to deal with, after all. They like the finer things in life—be it fine wines, teas, or properties. And seeing as my house is the finest in the land, well.. I suppose everybody gets the picture.

I walk down to the front door, every so often shooting a passing glance behind me to make sure Elly doesn’t try to strike me down while I walk. She’s tried before, don’t ask. But when I open the door I find nobody standing on the other side…

Until I look down.

“You two look a little short to be vampires,” I say, smiling inwardly when the taller one’s face contorts slightly.

“And you look a little too evicted to be living here,” She says with a grin, “Hurry on then! Out! Shoo!”


I close the door.

Suddenly, a pounding from the other side and, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Let’s try again! Please gimme another chance!

So I open the door again, watching the half-pint rubbing the snot from her nose. The blonde in the back is awfully composed, considering.

“So,” Says the taller one, still recovering from her outburst, “I’m here for your house. Give it to me.”


To avoid a repeat, I try to refrain from shutting the door this time.

“No~” I say, smiling.

“Sis, c’mon, let’s go!” The blonde whispers, “She’s not gonna just give you the house!”

“..I could always use a couple new—“ I only get so far before a scythe slams straight through the front door. I look back as Elly recalls the weapon.

“…What?” She says innocently, catching my glare.

I turn back to the two squirts knocking on my door, “As I was sa—“

The scythe nearly cleaves the door in two, this time.


“…What?” She maintains her innocent façade.

“Stop that!”

“Stop what?”

“That!!” I pull the scythe from the door myself. While it’s impossible to break by anybody’s hand but Elly’s, I can at least throw it at her. “Stop breaking the house apart!”

“Oh, that!” She catches it one-handed, much to my dismay. I was hoping it would slice her top off and give me a moment of not having a scythe flung at me. “’Kay!”

“…” She’s insane. Absolutely bonkers! I wonder if it runs in the family..

[x] "I could always use..."
[x] Blast Elly sky-high before she interrupts again.
[x] "...two new servants. What do you say? No pay, no vacations, no nap break; but you get 3 meals a day and a place to sleep, not counting the pleasure of my company"
[x] "I could always use..."
[x] Blast Elly sky-high before she interrupts again.
[x] "...two new servants. What do you say? No pay, no vacations, no nap break; but you get 3 meals a day and a place to sleep, not counting the pleasure of my company"
A taste of your own medicine.
[X] "I could always use..."
[X] Blast Elly sky-high before she interrupts again.
[X] "...two new servants. What do you say? No pay, no vacations, no nap break; but you get 3 meals a day and a place to sleep, not counting the pleasure of my company"
[X]"Of course, if you refuse..."
[X]Use MASTER SPARK on the descending Elly, blasting her back into the air.
[X]"...I do believe I could use some target practice. It is about time I watered my children anyway."
[X] "I could always use..."
[X] Blast Elly sky-high before she interrupts again.
[X] "...two new servants. What do you say? No pay, no vacations, no nap break; but you get 3 meals a day and a place to sleep, not counting the pleasure of my company"
[X]"Of course, if you refuse..."
[X]Use MASTER SPARK on the descending Elly, blasting her back into the air.
[X]"...I do believe I could use some target practice. It is about time I watered my children anyway."
[X] "I could always use..."
[X] Blast Elly sky-high before she interrupts again.
[X] "...two new servants. What do you say? No pay, no vacations, no nap break; but you get 3 meals a day and a place to sleep, not counting the pleasure of my company"
[X]"Of course, if you refuse..."
[X]Use MASTER SPARK on the descending Elly, blasting her back into the air.
[X]"...I do believe I could use some target practice. It is about time I watered my children anyway."
[X] "I could always use..."
[X] Blast Elly sky-high before she interrupts again.
[X] "...two new servants. What do you say? No pay, no vacations, no nap break; but you get 3 meals a day and a place to sleep, not counting the pleasure of my company"
[X]"Of course, if you refuse..."
[X]Use MASTER SPARK on the descending Elly, blasting her back into the air.
[X]"...I do believe I could use some target practice. It is about time I watered my children anyway."
[X] "I could always use..."
[X] Blast Elly sky-high before she interrupts again.
[X] "...two new servants. What do you say? No pay, no vacations, no nap break; but you get 3 meals a day and a place to sleep, not counting the pleasure of my company"
[X]"Of course, if you refuse..."
[X]Use MASTER SPARK on the descending Elly, blasting her back into the air.
[X]"...I do believe I could use some target practice. It is about time I watered my children anyway."
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Thankfully, I know just how to deal with her madness. I’ve been dealing with it too long as it is, and it’s about time…

“I could always use..” I start again, this time grabbing Elly by the neck before she can stop me. A small little love-tap and she soon finds herself hurtling through the sky at nearly thrice the speed of sound. “A few new servants.” The vampires bats look absolutely terrified, but ignoring that I continue with a smile on my face, “Well? How about it? No pay, no vacation, no benefits.. Oh, and certainly no hazard pay. We couldn’t have that..”

I catch myself thinking aloud rather than explaining the terms of an agreement.

“Oh, but it’s all made up for in that you’ll be within mere feet of my presence for nearly every instant of the remainder of your lives.”

“You think you’re something special, huh?” The one if front takes a stand.. for a moment, “Well, alright. So long as we can say the house is ours when somebody asks.”

“I never said anything to that effect, did I?” I say, “The house is mine, and it always will be. How, would you suppose, a mere servant could claim ownership of such a magnificent piece of waterfront property?”

Just then, I hear a whistling high above. Probably Elly returning to the ground. I juggle her around with lasers for a short while before permitting her to drop onto—or rather, into the ground.

“I suppose target practice is over for one day.” I turn back to the bat children, “You may either accept the terms as is, or leave at once. I won’t make such a generous offer again.”

“Fine!” Yells the blonde in back while grabbing the other, “We don’t need your stinking mansion! C’mon, sis!”

I simply shut the door.


You shut up.


“Oh, you son of a—


I come to in a dark room. I find this vaguely familiar, but I’m not quite sure why. If I re-read the previous interlude—and trust me, that’s all it was—I’m sure I’d remember immediately.

Beside me is Byakuren. The real Byakuren. Not the impostor phony me-trapped-in-Byakuren’s-body Byakuren, but the real one. I can’t stress this enough.

She certainly feels real. But enough about that. By the time I stop feeling her up, somebody walks into the room. To avoid being spotted, I try turning into a wall a teddy bear air. It fails miserably, and as I try to escape, a wild Toramaru grabs me by the shoulders.

“And where do you think you’re going?” She asks.

“Impertinent fool! Unhand me!” I try to wrench myself free from her grip. Sadly, I don’t seem to have the strength to do it. Seeing as I’m a youkai, and youkai gain power by eating people, one could easily assume that I haven’t eaten enough people lately. Trust me, that’s really how it works. Dead serious.

“What were you doing in Ren’s bed?!”

“…” I pause, thinking to myself, “So,” I try to come on as slyly as I possibly can. Perhaps making her uncomfortable might grant me a chance to escape. I can’t rely on the author for anything at this point. “You call her Ren, do you?”

“I—err..” She goes red in the face. Something’s up, and it’s really not difficult to tell what with the way she’s squirming with embarrassment simply thinking about the point I’d brought up. “Well, you know, it’s..”

And I’m outta here! Sratight through the door, past the horde of rats, and—Oops, no time to take the long way, I blast a hole through the wall and fly off into the night broad daylight.

..Why is it so light out all of a sudden? How long was I out?

And is that a snake with a gun robbing a catgirl? Jeezus, what is this world coming to?

[X] That's no good! No good at all!
[X] Show that snake what you're REALLY supposed to do to catgirls!
[X] That's no good! No good at all!
[X] Show that snake what you're REALLY supposed to do to catgirls!
If you know what I mean.
[x]Check Inventory
[X] That's no good! No good at all!
[X] Show that snake what you're REALLY supposed to do to catgirls!
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Really, what’s wrong with people snakes these days? First there’s that one God, and now this? Well, I should show ‘em a thing or two about what should really be done to catgirls. Which is, of course, ah… Now that I think about it, I’ve got no fucking idea.

But for now, since one person suggested it, here’s a rundown of the nonsensical items I’ve stuffed in my pocketses:

1 SNES cartridge (Generic beat ‘em up, slightly dented)
2 Super-massive tubular devil-stick (Excellent for roasting marshmallows and weenies)
1 Explosive decompression-resistant wristwatch (With tungsten-carbide-plated everything)
1 2x4 plank of wood (Labeled “Bonk Bros.”)
5 Plot devices
1 Live pet snake (His name is Nibbles)
1 Gun (Grip engraved “Chekov’s”)
2 Demonoid invite codes
2436 Dust mites
1985 yen in loose change

Some of these, I’ve no clue how they even got in there. Somebody must’ve stuffed ‘em in for the sake of keeping things simple. Reading back, only a few minor changes have been made. Probably changes governed by Rule of Funny, if you ask me. The author probably read too many TVTropes pages today during his regularly scheduled classes.

“Ssssssssssssssilly girl,” The gun-toting snake hisses, nudging the barrel into my ankle. The catgirl seems to have been all but forgotten at this point, and my heart goes out to her poor and restless soul. “Give usssssss the itemssssssssssssssssss.”

“…” This is all so very surreal.

“You fool!” Bellows Nibbles, the heroically challenged snake in my back pocket (how a skirt has a back pockets can only be explained by poor clothing design or author incompetence). “Remove yourself from this chapter of the story at once or face dire consequences!”

“Oh dear.” I mutter, shaking my head. I want to walk away. I want to walk away so fast that I’d practically be running. Or, rather, I would be running if it weren’t for the oh so interesting development that is about to take place before my very eyes.

“…” But it never does. Time simply seems to stand still as Nibbles returns to my back pocket. The other gun-toting snake simply pauses for a moment, allowing me time to escape.

So I fly the fuck out of there, hoping that maybe—

“Hold it right there, you!” Yells a very familiar Toramaru-like voice from behind as I slowly float aimlessly in whatever direction catches my fancy. I ignore the shouting and continue on my way. If it’s important, I’m sure she’ll catch up sooner or later.

All of a sudden, the gun in my back pocket goes off, shooting not only Toramaru, but the reality of the story itself. In essence, history rewrites itself making this event not only pointless to explain but nonexistent as well. It never actually happened, in layman’s terms. Hence the strikethrough.

“Gotcha!” She yells with her usual overly enthusiastic fervor, grasping me by the shoulder, “I’ll have you know that, by law, you are now forever bound to the master for what you did.”

“Huh?” What I did..? She makes no sense at all.. Has she gone insane as well? Is this Vaisravana they all revere some kind of brain-sucking super insect like what I saw in some movie not too long ago? Not only Hijiri, but now Toramaru is nuts too? And let’s not forget about those batty eccentrics we all know as Murasa and Kumoi. Rather than a temple, they probably should’ve started up a nuthouse. And committed themselves as the first patients.

“Indeed, by our laws you are to be wed on the morrow!”

>I typo’d that as ‘you are to be weed.’ Heh.

“Uhh..” I say nothing, I lose this battle. But speaking also nets me a loss. I’ve no recourse in this. All that’s left for me to do is…

Run away!

“Hey, get ba—“

And before she can chase me, I find a nice densely wooded area and pretend to be a tree. Trust me when I say that it’s far more realistic than it sounds, as I can also make myself look like a tree as well. Moments later, Toramaru flies over my head trunk, yelling and cursing loudly as the ground begins to shake below me.

Suddenly, I’m falling. But what’s this?! I can fly! Yeah, I can fly. No surprise there. Sarcasm translates poorly over a text medium, I hope you all realize. But I’m also stuck as a tree, and turning back to my initial form will alert Toramaru to my presence. I need to think of something, and fast!

Fast meaning a number of days in real time, mind you. I won’t actually budge from this spot until the author updates again. I’[m not exactly sure how that works. Some kind of time manipulation? Maybe he’s employed the help of a certain maid to make this easier. But seeing as she’s a fictional character, that would seem unlikely. I’m 100% real, mind you. Yep. See, I’m even made out of—

Shit. Well, I guess not. How disappointing. Anyway, have at it. I’ll go have my existential crisis off-screen while you vote and wait for lazybones here to update.

[X] Make like a tree and get the fuck outta there!

She's already a tree, so she's half-way there already!
[X]I guess that's what happens when you do weird stuff to another girl.
[X]Use your ninja skills to escape!
[X] Transform into Toramaru.
[X] Use the precious what-the-fuck-is-going-on seconds to deliver an express package of Fist to Face ave 12003.
[X]Use your ninja skills to escape!
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Huh, small crowd. Maybe people liked it better when the main character was me pretending to be Utsuho. Or maybe nobody expects this one to ever be updated. Well, the author is on an odd schedule, so it makes perfect sense.

Though, what doesn’t make sense is that of what was received, both seem to expect a tree to somehow move and not be spotted. Trees normally don’t move, do they? And wouldn’t you maybe notice one if it was? I mean, staying put after the ground falls out from under me is nothing, but moving? Maybe you guys should schedule a meeting with your doc or something.

Toramaru slowly floats away, still checking back in this direction every so often. When she’s not looking, I turn into a bee. Sadly, due to the conservation of mass, this in one dense fucking bee, and I drop down into the pit like a.. well, a hundred-pound bee. I turn back to normal before I hit the ground, sure, but Toramaru’s bound to take notice of the hideous buzzing sound I was making before the switch. Bees buzz, you know. And dense bees buzz densely. Don’t ask me how that makes sense, it just does.

Making a torch out of the plank of wood I’ve been given and some loose odds and ends (read, burning dust mites), I freely explore the pit. Nearing the bottom, it opens up into a cave-like hole in the ground. One may normally suppose that such a dark and ominous feature carved into the earth by ages upon ages of flowing water could only be a cave. But don’t let that fool you, I’ve seen worms with mouths easily twice this size. …Or read about them. It’s been ages since that moment in my life, so I can only assume I’ve seen one.

Upon further investigation, it would appear that this is not the maw of a giant worm or something similar, but a bona fide cave system. Above me, the sky goes dark. What little of the sky that I can see in this pit, of course. Seems somebody’s filling it in around me, so inside the cave I go!

Further on down, I encounter some weird objects that I will refrain from describing, seeing as they have little or nothing to do with the plot. Deeper still, I come across some kind of underground city. And tens of thousands of pointy spears aimed directly at my head. Seems somebody was expecting company.

“Let her go, it’s not her!” calls a voice from behind this wall of soldier-like thugs. They drop their weapons, a few offer up apologetic mutters, and everybody goes on their way. Except of course for me and one other woman.

She smiles, “Betcha didn’t see that coming.”

“No. And I’m sure any sane person wouldn’t.” I reply dryly, eager to either find my way out of this mess or press onward. I don’t really like being held up when I’m trying to explore something, and one thing I’m desperately trying not to explore are the thoughts in this woman’s head.

“…” She falls silent, studying me like a germ under a microscope. Again, don’t question my knowledge of technology. I read books, you know!

With a grin, she finally answers, “True, but you wouldn’t find any sane people willing to live in a cave, would you?”

“Before we get to far into this conversation,” I interrupt her, “Mind pointing me to the exit?”

“There are no exits!” She says, laughing as though I’d just asked her something utterly ridiculous.. Like what button turns on a computer, or what animal a chicken leg comes from. That sort of derisive laughter that would make Gandhi himself want to punch her in the face. Me being less peace-loving than him, I go ahead and whack her one. I’d probably have knocked her clear through to the center of the earth had she not been made out of solid concrete. Or at least felt like it.

“That hurt.” She says, rubbing her gut where I’d supposedly punched her. “That reeeally hurt.”

“I would hope it did.” I make ready for a fight.

She points into the village, “Exit’s over there.”

“…” Wait, “Didn’t I just punch you?”

“Yep, and not too shabby, I should say.” She smiles at me like I’m some piss-pants little brat, or maybe that’s just how she smiles at everybody, “You should come drinking with us some time.”

[X] What the hell, let's get wasted!
[X] Does 'Some time' includes 'Right now'?
[X]"Of course, if by drinking you mean getting completely shitfaced and by some time you mean right now.""
[X] You do know you just punched an Oni. Your lucky she didn't see it as a challenge and crushed your face in like an over ripe tomato.
[X] Now find the Gap Demon that goes by the name of Yukari and start making out with her, so the author is forced to write an H-scene.
[X] Anonymous demands H-scenes and suffering.
[X]Fire the gun labeled "Chekhov"
[x] "When would that be? Since I wouldn't mind cutting loose!"
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“If some time means right now, I’m in.” I say, “But due to the somewhat disjointed nature of this mess I’m in, if it doesn’t happen soon I’m sure it’ll be left hanging.”

“Huh.” She shrugs, “Well.. It’s not exactly healthy to be drinking in the middle of the day, but why not drop by on your way out?”

“Way out..?” Didn’t she just point me towards it? Will getting out of here really take that long? I’m not even going to ask how she knows what time of day it is above ground. It’s pitch black down here, and I’m willing to assume it’s like that all the time. I wave it off as a miscommunication error and head on my way.

But as I’m moving towards the village, a flash of bright light blinds me. Oh, don’t worry, it clears up instantly. But I’m left wondering just what the hell it was for. Nothing seems to have happened, nor has anything in the surrounding scenery changed in the meantime.


Really? That’s all you have to say? Pardon me for thinking this, but it probably would’ve been better had you kept your lazy ass out of this.

>I’ve got a quota of appearances to fill. And it’s not like I’m lazy because I want to be!

Oh, just shut up. Shut up and die. Wait, don’t die. Live! Live and keep writing! If you die this story will end and my menial existence as a character in this will be snuffed out.

>Oooo… kay..?

>By the way, there’s somebody in front of you.

My eyes dart forward. I can’t say where they were facing before due to the author’s not-so-physical manifestations in this piece of literary hogwash, but my attention is clearly focused in front of me now. There’s a woman standing in front of me. I think the picture will do the scene better justice than I can explain. Yeah, just like that. I’m sure the male audience is pleased, at least. I know I certainly am.

“Ohh..!!” She mutters quietly, chewing on her fingernails. Some kind of nervous habit, I assume. “I’ll show her! That’s right! She’ll see!”

“Sup.” I walk into the light, smiling.

“Ah!” She freezes, her face gone pale, “Who—“

“Introductions later, why’re you so naked?”

“I’m not!” She argues, “This is a swimsuit! Can’t you tell, you idiot?! I’m going to show that bitch just who the sexiest woman in all of Gensokyo truly is!!” Conversation having failed, I return to staring and she goes back to her mindless blathering about whoever and whatever.


[X] Kiss her.

Always a good decision.
[X] Kiss her.

This vote, it was made for me!
[X] Kiss her
[X] Kiss DAT ASS
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Well, no help here. The author is sick with some sort of debilitating laziness disease, and all you people can think about is Parsee’s ass. …Very well, I stand and gaze upon Parsee’s voluptuous curves, yet I feel nothing. Maybe a bit of envy for my lack of a decently-sized bust, but nothing more. I have no desire to squeeze her nor do I wish to kiss her like everybody seems to want me to do. Truthfully I find such raging support of a lesbo-action scene to be mildly disgusting.

Yet I find myself entranced by her round and shapely behind. It is as if she has cast some manner of envy-driven curse upon me. I cannot stop myself from staring no matter how much I want to do so, and she merely grins at me.

“So,” she says, “Do you think I’m the sexiest woman in Gensokyo?”

“Err..” I’m at a loss for responses. How should I answer? If I’m truthful I may put myself in a worse position than I find myself in now. “Yeah, sure. Why not?”

Of course, I have no intention of lying convincingly. But she’s so caught up in her own twisted sense of pride she doesn’t seem to care or notice. She laughs, releasing me from this maddening bind before walking away snickering and mumbling to herself.

“What the hell was that..?” I wonder aloud, though I choose to save myself the mental anguish and continue on my way without further pause.

Eventually, I find myself standing in front of some manner of palace. It seems to have been carved into the rock face of the cave. I’m certain the readers could see what comes next, but for the sake of keeping interest I’ll pretend that I at least don’t.

“Hold it right there!” Calls the half naked woman with the beautiful behind. It would appear as though she has turned an about-face, following me instead of going on about her own business. Thankfully, she sees fit not to place me under a curse this time around. “I’m coming with you!”

“…Dressed like that?” I motion to her rather absurd attire. It does happen to be rather warm this far below the surface, but above she might freeze to death.

“How else will I show myself off?” She asks, proving her mind to be as equally absurd as her dress. I choose not to question it, and ponder whether or not she could be useful enough to take along.

[X] Alright let's go.
[X] 'I know that you want to show off DAT ASS, but like that it feels like you're wearing nothing at all'
Question: Was Okuu at the beginning really Okuu or just Nue as Okuu? Since I'm a bit confused. (That and Okuu showed signs of liking Parsee yet Nue doesn't)
[X] Eh, why not? It's not like you can't just ditch her if you want to, later.
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What an amazing turn-out, I must say. What, are the voters taking an extended holiday too? You guys have a lot of gall! If it were up to me you’d all be roasted and put on a platter! But the show must go on, and go on it shall.

“Yeah, sure, whatever.” I answer nonchalantly as I force open a heavy set of doors barring my progression. Beyond them lie some manner of palace, but the architecture is entirely original.

And in the middle of the room sits a cat and a bird. Surprisingly, one is not eating nor trying to kill the other, and they simply stare at me as I walk past. The bird lets out a strange cry sounding similar to “unyu,” and all of a sudden the fabric of reality folds in around itself and ends abruptly in a haze of blue. With a cry of “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” I blink out of existence.


“Oh?” Back to me is it? Honestly, I hadn’t expected this sudden sort of transition. I bet the author hadn’t really put much thought into it prior to actually writing it out.

“Something wrong?” asks a stunned Orin, having just witnessed the transition first-hand. As it was, a strange woman barged into the room with Parsee in tow, but before taking so much as two steps beyond the threshold, she vanished. In a puff of smoke and an error message that I didn’t quite catch. I suppose the universe has a strange sense of justice for those who try to usurp the part of player character while I’m still present.

Though last I can recall, I think I ran into a tree or some such. How that situation was resolved, I’m not sure. But it is and I’m back at home again, and nothing seems to be amiss. Except Orin’s scratching. All that scratching and clawing and itching! Won’t she just knock it off? It’s driving me mad!

“…” And what about Parsee, standing there half-naked and staring blankly off into space?

“It’s a swimsuit, dammit!” She yells, voice echoing throughout the room as she stares at me incredulously. I wonder how she knows what I’m thinking.

So I fly away, wanting no part in this. I should probably go back to the reactor room and change. Funny, that—Orin can keep her clothes between transformations but I can’t. Last thing I’d want to do is turn back to normal and be more naked than Parsee.

So I do that. No sense in explaining it. Five minutes pass and I’m in human form and dressed, but when I check the reactor it seems to have… well, disappeared. Now I’ve seen everything.. Who’d want to steal a nuclear reactor?

[X] Those blasted reds stole the nuclear plant!
[x] Ninjas have stolen the reactor; am I bad enough of a hell raven to save it? Of course I am, I'm the strongest!
-[x] Remind the ensuring Ice Fairy that she failed to copyright her catch phrase.
bump for being annoying
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Now look what you made me do!


Who’d want to… Wait, what was I doing again? I know it had something to do with something, but I’ve forgotten exactly what that something is. I seem to have entirely forgotten the initial premise behind the story as well and have opted for something completely different. I can do that, see, since this is a work of fiction. Any likenesses of characters to existing persons or animals or that sign I flew into the other day are purely coincidental… Or are they?

So it starts like this: I’m on a boat.

Yes, a boat. There’s a good reason for this, trust me. But… What was the reason again? Nevertheless, it is a rather large boat--maybe something about the size of an ocean liner. Like a cruise ship, only more boat-shaped.

‘But Okuu,’ you say, ‘how do you know what a boat is if you’ve never been to the surface before?’

Well, fuck you guys! I know what a boat looks like! This is obviously a boat, else it wouldn’t float over lava like this! What else but a boat can float? Oh, hey, that rhymed! Wait, what was I talking about? What? ‘That joke is getting old,’ you say?

…What joke?

No, seriously.

But I digress. Or was it ‘digest’? Well anyway, I’m on a boat-shaped boat floating over top of lava and having the most pleasant chat with the captain who for some reason or another insists that ‘Captain’ is her first name. The other three on board are kinda plain by comparison.

“Whaddaya mean, ‘plain’?” asks the shorter, mousey looking one whose name I’ve conveniently forgotten for the sake of the introduction of the character to the readers. “…And why do you insist on maintaining dialogue with a party that isn’t supposed to be known to us?”

“Well, they do decide where the story goes from this point on, so I figure why not make things pleasant for them?” I’d like to stay on good terms with the audience to avoid having to take a flying leap into magma when the first set of choices appears.

“What choices?!” says the mousey girl.

[ ] “These choices”
[ ] Take a flying leap into magma.
[ ] Make the magma take a flying leap at the ship.
[x] “These choices”
[x] "This choice."
-[x] Take a flying leap into magma.


Let's do this.
[X] “These choices”
[x] “These choices”
[X] Burn everyone and eat them and their corpses.
- [X] Oh, and get Sanaek (the writer) to write more.
[x] “These choices”
[x] Charge your LAZER Mega Buster arm cannon.
[X] Shoot down those floating round things!
-[x] Oh, those look like...
-[X] EGGS!
[X]"These choices."
-[X]Pluck all choices made in the current voting session out of thin air to show everyone.

This will simultaneously break the fourth wall and make them question their sanity, along with everyone else's.
That's why we should do it!
[X]"These choices."
-[X]Pluck all choices made in the current voting session out of thin air to show everyone.

Do it.
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“These choices,” I say, plucking a number of words out of this air as they whoosh past the computer screen at speeds so incredibly fast they cause the writer’s computer to crash.

>True story.

“Shut up,” I smile, reading the words I’ve grabbed and forgetting that I’m only a bird and have not the mental capacity to comprehend a bit of it. It comes down to a choice: either forget how to breathe, eat, or sleep to remember the phrase, or don’t try in the first place.

Laziness overcomes, and I find myself sitting in a couch watching re-runs of South Park and waiting for the writer’s computer parts to arrive so we can get on with the story. By this point the author probably forgets what exactly he was trying to do.


…And his writing may seem out of whack for a while because of this unexpected hiatus.

>Mmm hmm.

…So this is what I presume to be an apology for the few dedicated folks who still bother to read the swill he puts out every two weeks or so.

>It’s more often than that, dammit!

Notice that he does not at any point try to refute the point I made that his writing is in fact crap. But where was I?

Ah, right. So some mousey girl looks all confused and says something, and I’m like, “Yo dawg what the hell?” So she gets all bitchy and tries to throw me overboard, but her boss will have none of that so now I’m stuck in a cell in the hold instead.

Oh, yeah, and if I nuke my way out of this I’m told some sort of chain reaction will destroy the ship and everything inside in a giant fireball, so yeah. Fun.

[ ] Lies! Nuke the shit out of that… shit!
[ ] Cooperate or something.
[ ] Harmony.
[X] Harmony.
-[X] Wait, don't I need a melody to do that?
[x] Lies! Nuke the shit out of that… shit!
-[x] But do it with grace.
[X] Lies! Nuke the shit out of that… shit!

And if it's not lies, so what?
They'll all be too busy screaming and burning to bother with little old you!
[X] Lies! Nuke the shit out of that… shit!
-[X] While screaming like a banshee!
[x] Harmony.
It's showtime Synergy!
[X] Lies! Nuke the shit out of that… shit!
-[X] While singing, "Nuclear hell raven...Utsuho!" to the Ruby-Spears Megaman theme.

This. This MUST be done!
[X] Harmony.
-[X] Wait, don't I need a melody to do that?
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[+] Harmony.
-[+] Wait, don't I need a melody to do that?
[X] Harmony.
-[X] Wait, don't I need a melody to do that?
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So I’m not quite sure what happens next, but some kind of music starts playing over the loudspeakers. Yes this ship has loudspeakers despite having the appearance of being built a really, really long time ago. If I were to give an estimate, it’s at least older than your first pet. If you’ve never had a pet before, well I don’t know what to tell you. It’s just old, okay?

So anyway, music plays. It’s a good song. I quite like it. But seeing as this is conveyed in a text-only medium, I don’t quite know why you guys voted for a song. And all things considered, how such a thing influenced an outside stimulus that I have exerted no control over is beyond my mental capacity to explain. Or remember.

But I’m still stuck in a cage. Like a caged bird. Wait, wait, too literal. Er, like a caged… Thing in a cage! Yeah!

But in the next paragraph, I’m suddenly free! What an amazing development! I didn’t even see it coming! I figure being stuck in a cage in the bottom of a leaky ship was too grim of a storyline for this sort of story. So let’s forget it happened at all. I can sure say I already did. I also trust that my short attention and memory span will become a running gag at this rate.

I hear in the background somebody yelling about how their ship isn’t leaky, and for me to give back their precious treasure and fill in a hole I’ve made, but let’s have a pass at something more interesting for once.

I forgot where I was going with this. And seeing as I’ve nowhere to go with this, let’s just make something up!

[ ] Write in plotline.
[X] Looking for the missing plot.
[X] Ninjas have kidnapped your eggs! Are you a bad enough dude to rescue your eggs?
[X]Pierce the heavens with your control rod!
[X] Turn into a psychopath, then fight psychopathic Yukari, psychopathic Sanae, and psychopathic Yuka in an all out brawl to see who's the most psychopathic monster while erasing Gensokyo from existence.
[X] U.N. secret agents (so secret, the public would never suspect that they exist) are attempting to confiscate you and arrest Kanako for violating the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty. They believe you count as a nuclear weapon.
[x] Sanae and a squad of Rogue Tengu have kidnapped Parsee. Are you bad enough of a Hell Crow to save her?

[X] And write-ins below.
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That’s right! This is a story of extreme political intrigue! Of ninja assassins! And eggs! Hard boiled eggs lightly seasoned, of course. With salt. Just salt.

Just hang on for a moment while I have Rin bring up Tom Clancy’s corpse from the repository.

“Oh,” He’s not dead? Well never mind then!

>5 minutes later…

“Okuu, what’s your status?” A static-filled voice echoes deep within the recesses of my brain.

“ETA, seven minutes.” I reply, judging my distance from the objective with experience. “How are things on your end?”

“Things just got worse,” the voice replies, “The leader of the faction just sent out word that if their demands aren’t met in six minutes, they’ll begin killing hostages. One every half-hour.”

“But they only have two…” I mumble, trying to coax more speed from the motor. “And that leaves plenty of time.”

“No, Okuu. By the time you infiltrate they’ll have already killed one hostage.”

“But.. I have seven minutes! Seven whole minutes!!

“I’m afraid we’ll have to write one off as dead, then. I feel bad for it but we can’t save them.” Satori’s voice is pained as she speaks. It must be tough for her. “Oh, and Okuu?”


“Dish out some hellish justice when you find the leader.”

“Understood.” The boat crashes onto the rocks, and I rocket forward straight for the roof of the building ahead.

I misstep my millimeters and instead wake up face planted in a pile of manure. What a wretched development right off the bat. At least the rain washes the mess away.

I slip inside mostly undetected. Mostly.

An alarm blares, and I soon find myself surrounded by guards. I use the ancient ninja art of hide-in-plain-sight. Somehow, I avoid capture. I thank the gods for having these dullards appointed to guard duty.

Then, I hear a call coming in.

“Unyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan~!” is the first thing I hear. This is son followed by, “Orin, get off this channel!”

“Oh, hey, what’s this button do?”

“Orin, don’t!” Satori screams, terrified, “That’s the self-des—“

Silence. Glorious silence. Accented by the scent of… Eggs! What else?!

“No, wait.” This is surely a trap. There is no doubt in my mind. The enemy is aware of my presence, and has found my one and only weakness!

But the eggs…! Oooooh, what should I do?!

[ ] Eggs!
[ ] Eggs!!
[ ] Eggs!!!
[X] Eggs!!!
[X] Eggs!!!
[X] Eggs!
[X] Eggs!!
[X] Eggs!!!

Suffering from madness? Nay, this is enjoying it.
[X] Eggs!!!


Song more or less related. Ah, the nostalgia...
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