Archived Thread
File 131716250130.jpg - (52.78KB, 340x288 , GimpFTW.jpg) [iqdb]
So, I'm supposed to start a story with an epic first sentence, right? Something like “I don't know how everything happened”, or “it wasn't supposed to happen like that”. But screw that! Screw everything!

Pretty hot here, right? Wait, I'll open a window.
Ah, right. It's night. Flies and mosquito flying all around. As I drink my tea with satisfaction (“satisfaction” being my computer's name), I decide, like that, on a whim, to become a boss. A boss in a touhou game. What do you want, I always had a screw loose.
So, I google “how to become a touhou boss”. That leads me to a website called “purpleland.com”. That sounds legit, right? Clicking randomly, I manage to download an entry form. It's here. On my desktop.

I open it. There are several lines, like the usual “name, adress”. But there's also an empty line, with “rapelev” written. I don't know what's that supposed to mean, but I'm supposed to fill that, right?
Name: Edrouct Mahnnrat. That's not my real name, of course, but I have no idea where I'm going with that.
Species: Human. It's impossible to lie about this one.
Age: Over 9,000. I must admit that I'm taking that seriously at all. That's obviously a false, so since I'm filling it, I'll have some fun with it.
Abilities: I can speak two languages! I hesitated between 'I can twist my head' and 'I can punch trees', both being obviously false. I'm not lying with this one.
Occupation: Writefag. I don't mean to boast about that, but I don't really want to write 'jobless student'. At least, with that, I sound like an artist.
Location: In front of my computer. Seriously, what else?
Relationships: None. I highly doubt I can write someone else's name here.
Rapelev: Null. I have no idea what the fuck is that. So I'm writing a wonderful and beautiful circle, symbol of the all-mighty zero.

That being done, I save the document, and I go prepare a sandwich. As I limp back to my beloved Satisfaction, my phone starts ringing. And that's very suspicious. That phone is only here for show, you know? That's pretty much why I called it “Wife”. It's pretty and stuff, but it's useless. Grabbing the phone, I try to remember how I'm supposed to use it. I should press a button or something, right? AH! NO! I remember! I lift that part, and I place it next to my ear.
There's no answer. That's weird. That's suspicious. That's scary. That's frightening. Or maybe I'm holding the receiver upside-down. Silly me!
“Hello. Diyajussfilletafillfropeurplelan?”
Okay. So that person calling is American. There's no way a British would speak that fast. Calming down, I try to remember the few English words I know.
“Hello. My tailor is rich, but my English is poor.”
“Mister... Mahnnrat? Right?”
“That's me, yes, but could you speak slower, please? I have trouble understanding you.”
“Please. Connect back. To Purple Land dot Com. Someone will talk. To you. Online.”
“Not that slow either. You called me for that?”
Now I feel bad for making her call me. After me, calling me here, from her country. Expensive. And I was just joking around. Feels bad man.
“Thank you!”
She hangs up. What the hell was that about? I don't know what's happening, but I don't like this.

I refresh purpleland.com. A new icon appears. It looks like a blond girl, saying “come chat with me!”. Sounds like one of those ads for MSN. They should work the presentation. I click on the icon. Instantly, Mibbit opens. I write some random nickname, and I connect.

<%PurpleQueen> Hello!
<Heinz> Hello.
<%PurpleQueen> Don't be afraid, that's just a little talk.
<Heinz> Go ahead.
<%PurpleQueen> In the file, you wrote your name is Edrouct Mahnnrat. Is this correct?
What the hell is that, an interrogation?
<Heinz> Correct it is.
<%PurpleQueen> You also said your age was... “Over 9,000”. Are you sure you want to keep it?
Hu? I want to keep it? What is that purplequeen talking about?
<Heinz> Hu, now that you say it
<Heinz> True age is 25.
There's no harm if I lie just a little bit.
<%PurpleQueen> You're not very trusting, right?
<Heinz> What does it have to do
<%PurpleQueen> Finally, I'll give you the result.
<Heinz> Wait what
<%PurpleQueen> MAHNNRAT. Physical strength: Awful. Stamina: Awful. Self-esteem: Awful. Charisma: Awful. Constitution: Awful. Magical power: Awful. Mental resistance: Average. Recommended place: Stage 1.
<Heinz> Are you trying to insult me?
<%PurpleQueen> I'm afraid we may have a misunderstanding. I'm not insulting you.
<Heinz> Mind telling what was that, then?
<Heinz> Sounds really insulting to any normal being!
<%PurpleQueen> That was just a summary.
<Heinz> Summary of what?
<%PurpleQueen> Of your abilities.
<Heinz> Oh, yeah, I see that, that's the “LOL COME HERE I INSULT U”.
<Heinz> In before a “u mad, bro” post.
<%PurpleQueen> You are very touchy.
<Heinz> Says who?
<%PurpleQueen> I'm afraid we have to give up here.
<%PurpleQueen> Or maybe... Shinki was looking for some souls...
<%PurpleQueen> Hey, want to travel?
<Heinz> Who the fuck died and made you boss?
You have been kicked from #purpleland (Reason: We reached an agreement. I'm coming for you.)

THAT'S NOT RIGHT! NOBODY SHOULD BE ABLE TO- hold on, someone's knocking at the door.

[] Death City.
[] Black City.
[] White City.
[] Dream City.
First, this is obviously a self-insert. I TOLD YOU I ACCEPTED YOUR CHALLENGE, >>7832 ! What do I win?
Second, main character will be badly beaten if he tries anything funny. Keep that in mind. He can die, so don't vote for something too stupid. Unless you want the story to stop.
Third, this story will probably suck. I'm aware of that.
Fourth, this story is in /underground/ because it's happening in Makai. Unless you manage to reach the Queen in Purple, you will never see Gensokyo.
Fifth, the main character keeps all his memories. Because it would be pointless otherwise.

Please have fun reading that story.

There are no prizes.

You see my friend, the real prize you wanted, the ability to write a self insert, was inside you all along.


[X] Death City. Because it sounds pile such a cheerful place.
[x] White City.

There are no black people in frenchlyland.
Okay. I'll flip a coin later.

Coin flipping! The manliest way to decide a vote!
[] Dream City.
Vote called for White City. Update done at 50%.

File 131747861426.png - (6.87KB, 128x128 , Mai.png) [iqdb]
[x] White City.

As I open the door, I notice that something is missing. The terrace, mainly. And the road to my house. And the sky. And everything else. Even my own home. Around me, there's just the main door, and a world full of nothing.
It's like noclipping out of the map. I hate that. I hate that. Did I mentioned how much I HATE THAT!
But the door is nowhere to be seen. There's only blackness and darkness and NOTHING. I hate nothing. I hate then there's nothing. I FUCKING hate that. There's nothing here, but I am something, therefore I'm a fucking shining point in the darkness, which means that if there's something else here, it will come.
Panicking, I crouch, and place my hands over my eyes. Don't look at the darkness. There's no darkness. I'm in my room. Four wall, a floor, a ceiling. Good old cement. Or concrete. Whatever, I'm not an engineer. When I have to slap shit, I do it myself rather than building a sentry to do it for me. But that's beside the point. The main point is that I'm lost in ??????. And that place is draining my sanity level. I can handle almost everything, but I can't stand void. Someone has to do something. You must be moving. If you're not moving, you're dead. I don't want to die. I have to move.
“Open your eyes.”
“De quoi?”
Who's speaking? What is that? What the hell is going on?
“Open your eyes and look at me.”
The voice says again. The person speaking must be annoyed. But I care about someone else's opinion?
“Sorry, I can't stand looking at the nothingness around here!”
“What are you talking about?”
I open my eyes. SUDDENLY! Well, if I could open my eyes SUDDENLY, I would do it. Yes, SUDDENLY. Not suddenly. There are caps lock here, bro. And they're not cheap. And I notice, happy, that the scenery is totally different.

Instead of being in a black void, I'm in a very strange world. Still black, but with shooting stars.
At first, it seems as frightening as the last one, and yet, those stars are comforting me. Because they mean there's something else. A destination, maybe?
Feeling reassured, I dare looking at the woman in front of me.
“Hello. And for your information, nobody died and made me boss.”
Okay, that's not looking good. For some reason, that blond tall woman looking exactly like Yukari Yakumo is angry after me.
“I wasn't thinking-”
“I don't want to hear your excuses.”
I wasn't excusing myself anyway.
“But, still, you have to-”
“Shut up a while and listen to me.” She's even more angry now. Or angrier. Whatever. “It's very nice from you, taking that survey, but I would appreciate more if you filled it properly.”
“Are you-”
“It appears that I have no need for someone as touchy as you. However, a relation of mine told me she was in the need for a human. I don't know why, but you're here. So, what about a trip to Makai?”
“I DON'T-”
“Also, I took the liberty to play with the border. Everyone will Makai will speak English. However, only when they're talking to you.”
“I'm not English!”
“You're writing in English. Deal with it.”
“You're arrived. Good luck!”
“WAIT WAIT WAIT! I'm falling!”
That's right! I'm fucking falling! From the sky! That sky! Or is it a ceiling? Damn, I'm going to die, and I'm only having silly thought! But I can't die now, it's only the second post!

In a lack of a better word, I can only say that. 'Gnaïeu'. Expression meaning light pain. Like the sound you're making when you're landing on someone. Someone wearing a white dress. Someone being possibly a girl. Or a cross-dresser. Or a trap. But maybe... My glasses! Where are my damn glasses! I need them! Right now!
Oh... They're on my nose.
“Désolé!” Oh, right, she can't understand me unless I speak English. Talk about a poisoned birthday cake. “Sorry about that.”
She doesn't answer. Is she K.O." That would be bad for me Knocking a citizen out on my first day. Nice job, Woman-who-look-like-Yukari. I appreciate.

Leaving the lifeless body behind me, I look around. For some reason, the scenery reminds me reminds me a video game I played recently. Sonic 3. Remember the Ice Cap Zone? Looks exactly the same here. Except that there are buildings. Built from ice. Duh. People here are living IN ice. You can say that's … a cold welcome.
“Mou hou ha ha ha ha!”
My smile quickly turns into a frown. There's nobody to be seen here, and I'm alone, with a 'sleeping' girl. In an icy region. With only a shirt and pants. I'm not going to live soon. I need shoes. And also a pullover. Or a sweater. Whatever how you call it.
“Brr. Fait plus froid ici qu'à une réunion d'anciens élèves.” That's true. And I though that Makai was all about fire and stone, and here I land, in the coldest place. Reminds me Dante's Divine Comedy. The book where the Devil lives, captive in ice. But Makai isn't Hell, right? I should have spent more time playing the PC-98 games.
“I'm going to die at this rate.”
“Yes. And you're going to die faster if you don't explain things to me, REALLY QUICKLY.”
Who said that?
“Oh. Hello.”
She's awake.
“Spare me the presentation. You crushed me earlier.” I crushed her? But I'm not in love with her! Oh, I'm merging 'crushing' and 'have a crush on'. Silly me.
“Sorry ab-”
“Spare me the excuse.”
She's really pissed. And she's quite pretty too. Blue eyes, blue hair, and a perfectly white dress. Too bad she's got snow everywhere, that ruins everything. And she also have a pink bow in her hair.
“Well, I'm here because a big, tall, and dangerous woman threw me here. I'm not here because I wanted to!”
I try to explain everything, but considering her face, she's probably thinking I'm a moron. I don't really like that, but I don't really want to get in a fight. Not without my knife. And not without being behind her. While she's sleeping. Backstabbing someone is the best way to kill that person. Especially if she's stronger than me. And considering:
A) the fact that I'm not very strong,
B) the fact that she's lifting me over her head, holding me by the throat.
“Listen, I don't care about how you got here. I want to know WHO you are, and WHAT you're doing here.”
“I.. have trouble... speaking while... being strangled.”
“Pff. Fine.”
She drops me on the ground, in a very inelegant way.
“Argl. My name is Ted Wargrave. I was sent here because someone here needed a human.”
“Wargrave? That's a ridiculous name. I'll call you 'hey', starting now.”
“And you are?”
“My name is Mai! I'm one of the Goddess' Daughter, and I am in charge of the Frozen City!”
Announcing her name with pride, Mai swells out her chest. Said chest is quite decent, but is sadly not my thing.
“So, you are... protecting that place?”
I want to ask against what, but I have the feeling it would be rude. So I decide to drop the subject, and to attack another subject.
“Sorry to say that, but I'm kind of weak against cold. Can speak inside a building?”
“Mpf! Fine! Follow me!”
“Okay, I get behind you.” Ha ha ha, the meaning. Too bad she's not getting the joke.

Following the flying Mai (I try to not think too hard about how she's levitating) to a building, I quickly notice that, while the Frozen City looked like an abandoned town, it's in fact quite lively. I wonder what kind of business they're doing here. Still following Mai, I lost my way in the ice labyrinth. If, one day, I'm going to hell, I'm sure it'll be something like this. No, seriously. I can't feel my feet any more, I'm shivering, and I feel sleepy. That's not a good thing, as far as I know.
“Hey! Come inside!”
“Cumming. Eeer, I mean coming.”
Following Mai inside, I suddenly feel at ease. Is that even possible? I'm IN an icy building! It's supposed to be even colder than outside!
“Hey, put that on!”
“Wow, thanks.”
Wait a minute... THAT'S A DRESS! She wants me to WEAR A DRESS! A black, red and pink dress! It's horrible!
That way she's smiling at me... SHE KNOWS! Or maybe I'm just being paranoid.

[] I have no choice. Please, God, turn your face away.

This update in a nutshell:
30 minutes to find an emulator to play Mystic Square.
15 minutes configuring the emulator.
20 minutes playing.
6 continues after, I reach Mai's stage. I observe the background to have a good idea of how it looks.
15 minutes reading the translation on the wiki to understand Mai.
7 minutes reading Kieyza's doujin to have a better understanding of Mai's behaviour..
Writing the update: 1 hour and several parts are rewrote.

I honestly tihnk it will be a miracle if I don't drop this story before the second thread.
[x]Beware the apples.

>“You're arrived. Good luck!”

Should be "you've". Other then that, nothing was wrong. Of course, Your proofreader is more then likely a lazy dick.


Mmm? There's no such things here. Only the main character, Wargrave/Mahnnrat.
[x] No, thank you.
Best to be polite about it now, right?
[x] No, thank you.
Best to be polite about it now, right?
>best to be polite
That's a self-insert story. Asking ddyk to be polite would be totally out of character, since he's obnoxious and arrogant as hell!
File 131777195045.jpg - (1.16MB, 2560x1600 , Anonymous' nightmare.jpg) [iqdb]

Mai is looking at me, with an interested smile on her face. I wonder if she's doing it on purpose or not. She probably has something fishy in mind.
“Thank you, but on second though, I prefer keeping my clothes.”
“Mpf. Fine! Do as you want! I don't care!”
And now, she's pouting like a kid. Is this kindergarten? Or Makai? I honestly wonder.
“Hey! You there! The thing with hair on its face!”
Is someone talking to you?
Another girl. Blond, this time, with yellow eyes. Wearing a nightgown. I think that's probably Yuki. But I'm too busy NOT staring at that nightgown to pay attention.
“What are you doing with my dress?”
“De quoi?”
“This is my clothes you're holding! Give 'em back!”
“Oh, I see. Here, have them.”
Mai wanted you to wear Yuki's clothes. I have to note that somewhere, and mark her as a mischievous one.
“Thank you!”
And with that, Yuki leaves, leaving me alone with Mai.
“Nice try.”
Awww, she's still pouting. I try to not smile too much, but since I avoided a dangerous trap, I can't help. That's not good. I must maintain a poker face.
“Hey, uh, Mai?”
“What? And call me Lady Mai!”
“What about my moustache? Something wrong with it?”
Looking really annoyed, Mai walks to the door, and kick it open.
“Watch by yourself, and use that brain of you!”
You've got a real attitude problem here, young lady. What's up anyway with that? That's just the city you're supposed to protect. Just...
“There's no male. Right?”
“You're the only crazy guy around having that thing on your face!”
What a tone. Are you a first-class tsundere, or just an annoying bitch? Probably just a bitch.

“Okay! I'm ready! So let's make the presentation! My name is Yuki, and I'm in charge of the Burning City!”
That blond girl from earlier was indeed Yuki. My deductions skills are really peerless. Damn I'm good. That presentation of her is also quite unique. Bowing deeply, even through she's supposed to be someone important.
“Greetings, Yuki. My name is Heinz Husch.”
Trying to smile, I bow deeper than her. I'm not sure about traditions here, but I know that in Japan, the underling is supposed to bow deeper than the boss.
“Cheers. Now, can we get going?”
That line is from Mai. That cold, disinterested and ironic tone cannot belong to that dynamic, energetic and blond girl called Yuki.
“Where to go, Sis?”
“Same here. Where?”
Not being impressed, Mai proceed to poke my chest several times.
“You! The useless guy with four eyes and a moustache! You said you wanted to see Mother, right? I'm taking you to Mother! That is all! Use your brain!”
“DON'T TOUCH ME!” I push away violently. “Sorry, but could you avoid touching me?”
If I were in the right mood, I would laugh at Mai's face. That face she's making is priceless. But unfortunately, I'm NOT in the right mood.
“Are you okay, Sis?”
“O-of course I'm fine! There's no way I could be hurt by him!”
She says that, but her voice isn't really assured. Maybe that stupid outburst surprised her.
“Sorry about that.” I repeat it again.
“Bah. Fine, Mister I-don't-want-to-be-touched. However, you'll have a come a little closer.”
It's a trap it's a trap IT'S A TRAP!
“We're not going to walk to Mother. Yuki and I are going to open a magic portal to her place.”
Sounds fishy, I have a really bad experience with portal. Mainly about stupid blue sphere, and passive-agressive big robots trying to kill people with neurotoxin.

I fucking hate portals I fucking hate portals. Oh, and did I mentioned how much I hate portals? At first, that one seemed legit. A blue magical circle shit shining like a jewel. But then, it started expanding, taking the whole room. Of course, being brave and all that stuff, I tried to run away, but the second I reached the door, the floor under my feet was already gone.
I grab the door with all my strength, trying to not fall in that deep, black, and threatening hole. But I'm not that strong, and I quickly fall in the darkness.

“Oh, yes, you can't fly, of course.”
Ah, Mai, darling, your observation sense are totally peerless.
“I don't like that line. Sounds like a 'oh, I forgot something essential, and you're probably going to die', if you ask me.”
“I wasn't talking to you.”
“Then I guess you misused 'you' then.”
“Whatever!” A hand grabs my collar, half-strangling me. “You're really useless. I wonder why Mother needs you for.”
'I wonder too' is what I'd like to say, but that collar around my neck is making my life difficult. And my respiration too.

“Here! Welcome to Mother's House.”
Good thing we arrived, I was passing out. Not enough oxygen. I hate portals. I hate magical nydus worm or whatever the shit is.
“Don't be like that, you look like a doormat.”
Ah, Mai, I don't have any words to make you understand how much I hate you.
“Seriously, Heinz. Yumeko is coming, so you have to be proper!”
Aaaah, thank you Yuki. You're so nice that hurts.

I look around. I'm, with Yuki and Mai, in a great room. Probably rectangular, but I'm not going to think about that too much. After all, I'm in Makai. Makai is a demon world. I can expect alien logic here. Even through I'm the one supposed to be the alien.
Jumping to my feet, I quickly brush my clothes, with Mai looking at me with a really disturbing stare. Finally, after a while, I snap.
Oh no, there IS something. Is my fly opened or what? Nope. Then what? Ha, fuck you Mai, you're nothing but a bitch!
Ah, but someone is coming! Good thing I'm prepared, and more or less clean! Of course, with only a shirt and some pants, I look like a tramp. THANK YOU YUKARI FOR THAT!
Quick! I must prepare my introduction!

[] “Sup?”
[] “Greetings.”
[] “Hello.”

That story will be short.
[X] “Hello."

Ah Heinz, you loveable rogue you.
[x]"Wanna blow me?"
-[x] Whip it out

OOC Self-Inserts are best Self-Inserts.
What is this I don't even
Ş̬̘ͭ̔̑ͬ̐̓͡o͖̹̼̩̙̰ͩ̅̉̿͢r̢̻͔ͥͯ͘͞ͅr̵͇̣̻͓̗͎̄ͨ͂̎̒̊͂̕͜y̑͛̀̊ͣ̒͏̴̠,̛̘̣̳̪͚̿̔̓͡ ̡͈̠̗͚̭̝̮ͯͭ͠͞Ỉ̹̫͚͕̰͇̯̍͌̄͜ ̩̖̰̹̰̥ͨͨ̑̓ͧf̛̛̦̟̹̜̜̟͉͑̍ͩo̢̠̼̐͂̋̽̌̄̉́͞r͚̭͔̝̘̫̙̟͖ͦ̍̔͛ͯ͞͡ĝ̗͙̿̅͒̄ͥ̓̾o̵̳͓ͫͫ͗ͦ͆͊ͅt̷?
?̯̆̊̎ͫ͊͂ͭ̅͋͟͠ ͍͍̹͓̭͉̘͂ͥͮ̂̒ͫ̉͘t̜̺̺̼̱̹͓̑̐h́ͪ̆͑̒ͭͥ̓҉̶̥̲͞ḁ̻̯̘̓̽̓̈́ͯ̋ͭ͞t̴͌ͭͤͧͫ̓̏͏̪͔̣͔͕̘͕ ͚̬̭̤͈̼͚̗̘ͣ̋̋ͩ̈ͨ̌̆I̵̫̟͚̎̈͡'̢̡̒͒ͦͤͤͪͣ̄҉̹̫̣͉̯̮̱m̧͖̰ͯͦͯͩͩ̐͑ͬ̈́͢͜ ͔͙̰͚̰̥̲͛̾̏ͩͤͦͧͅņ̨̟͙̱̇̈ͣ͛o̵̡̨̪͕͋̔̊̊ͯͫ͋̇͑ţ̫̘̯̪̬̳̲̲̓ͯͮͭ̆ ̴̧̯͇͑ͮ͜s̝͔̰ͦ̏́͒̆ͦ͠͞u̹̦̜̤̻̫̲͈ͦͮ̈͌ͭ͑͞ṗ̷͇̞̟̼̠̝̠̒͢p̷̛̹͈̾̂ͨ̔̇̆ͅȍ̸̬͇͖̞̾sͯ͆̓̍̓̂҉͇̻͔?
?̙͉̳e̢͚͚͓̰͓̦͑͌̃̈́͒̕d̛̳̭̫̞͙͖̖̊ͯ͘ ̵̘͚̜̩̠̬̜̪̇̏̿ͬ͗̈͞t̷̸̠͒ͮ̓͛͐̆ǫ̀̔̏̔̆͂̏͏̹̱ ̸͚̳̱̯̤̟̇͛͋̆̑̕d̸̡̹̦̞̻̰̝̽ͩ̅ͣ̀ͣő̭̱̗̈́͐̓ͦ ̴̸̖̰͉̩̮̹͉̱̀̄̿ͦ͒ͦ̾t̮͎͈͍͚̗͌̈́́̈͛͘h̦̩͉͉̘̺̪̟̮̑̅̄̍̐ͯ͜͢͠a̼̼̲͈͉̻̥̲͊̅̃t̛͕̜̯̐ͫ̅͂́̀.̧̞̦?
?̥̰̜͔͉̝͐̈ͨͨ́̀̕ ͍̪̞͚͇̜͆̓ͪ́̉ͥ͐̇I̸̧͓̦̖̺̩̫̦͗ͫ͌ͥ́ͅţ̛̪͍̜̭̭͓̯̰ͬ͂̽̐ ̷̲͙̪̮̙͎̲̫͑͑́̒ͪͬͅr̨̨̮̭̮͔̐̃̐̽ͮͤė̶̶̪̺͙̬̼̗̭̣̦ͧ̌̆̈q̯̤̖͇ͣ͐ͤ̏̃ͣ̂ͣ́ͅͅu̧̺͍̰̭̤̪̪̅̂̍ͮ̎͛i
̮͔̠͇̩͉̞̞ͦ̊̊̔͌̑̋r͚̹̘̬̎͢͜e̺̞̱͔̮͇̾ͥ̅̉̀ͫ͐ͬ̃ͅs̝͍͎̲̆̕ ̶̷̜̺̝͎̜̣̞̗̥̍̆ͫ͐͌ͦͫ͡a͙̤̗̯͑̃̇̄̌͊̃͋ ̨̻ͣh̻͍̳̲̘͉̙̖ͨͥͨ̓̕e̢͎̪̼̣͔͓ͨ̿̒̾̋ͤ͟ḻ̫̞͕̤̣̰̳͑ͧ͗ͫ̽͑͒͟ͅl̶̨͙̘̺̰̦̦͋̂͌u̥̫̹̙̖̠̦ͤͥ̇ͭ̂̽̅?
?́́v̦̳̼̝̟̘͒̊ͫͧͤ̔͑a͇͉̱͕͈̒͌ ̸̨͈̱͇̤͑͒̌̐l̵͔̯͕̤̤ͣ̅͐̿o̗̖̟̻̓ͥ͊͠͞t̸̖̗͍̹̦͔͓̝ͥ̏ ̭̳̩̿̄͗̍͋̄̕͟͜õ̴̖̣̩̩̣͙͍̙͈̎̉f̵̟̥͓ͤͦ̀͜ ̡͇̝̜̗̄͋̃̄ͩ͛̀͐ͭc͕̻̳͇̮͚̦̬ͩ̊̑̃́o̿̒҉̭n͚̞͈̅͗͜͡c̠͕̜͍̟̒͊ͧ̔̆ͩ̌͟ę̯͈̱͔͈͎̌͋͌ͦͮ͊ͤn̵̪̣̹̫͉̪?
?̉͘o̫̰̜̣̻̬͆ͧ̏ͅṇ̍́̈́ ̡͇̌ͬͬͦt̳̣̲͚̺͉̹̱̯ͭͬͥͭͬ̓̅̈͗ȏ̮̙̘ͭ̅ͪ͜͠-̴̸̫̳̤̂ͮ͗̏

Ş̬̘ͭ̔̑ͬ̐̓͡o͖̹̼̩̙̰ͩ̅̉̿͢r̢̻͔ͥͯ͘͞ͅr̵͇̣̻͓̗͎̄ͨ͂̎̒̊͂̕͜y̑͛̀̊ͣ̒͏̴̠,̛̘̣̳̪͚̿̔̓͡ ̡͈̠̗͚̭̝̮ͯͭ͠͞Ỉ̹̫͚͕̰͇̯̍͌̄͜ ̩̖̰̹̰̥ͨͨ̑̓ͧr͚̭͔̝̘̫̙̟͖ͦ̍̔͛ͯ͞͡ĝ̗͙̿̅͒̄ͥ̓̾o̵̳͓ͫͫ͗ͦ͆͊ͅt̷̜̯̆̊̎ͫ͊͂ͭ̅͋͟͠ ͍͍̹͓̭͉̘͂ͥͮ̂̒ͫ̉͘t̜̺̺̼̱̹͓̑̐h́ͪ̆͑̒ͭͥ̓҉̶̥̲͞ḁ̻̯̘̓̽̓̈́ͯ̋ͭ͞t̴͌ͭͤͧͫ̓̏͏̪͔̣͔͕̘͕ ͚̬̭̤͈̼͚̗̘ͣ̋̋ͩ̈ͨ̌̆I̵̫̟͚̎̈͡'̢̡̒͒ͦͤͤͪͣ̄҉̹̫̣͉̯̮̱m̧͖̰ͯͦͯͩͩ̐͑ͬ̈́͢͜ ͔͙̰͚̰̥̲͛̾̏ͩͤͦͧͅņ̨̟͙̱̇̈ͣ͛o̵̡̨̪͕͋̔̊̊ͯͫ͋̇͑ţ̫̘̯̪̬̳̲̲̓ͯͮͭ̆ ̴̧̯͇͑ͮ͜s̝͔̰ͦ̏́͒̆ͦ͠͞u̹̦̜̤̻̫̲͈ͦͮ̈͌ͭ͑͞ṗ̷͇̞̟̼̠̝̠̒͢p̷̛̹͈̾̂ͨ̔̇̆ͅȍ̸̬͇͖̞̾sͯ͆̓̍̓̂҉͇̻͔?
?̙͉̳e̢͚͚͓̰͓̦͑͌̃̈́͒̕d̛̳̭̫̞͙͖̖̊ͯ͘ ̵̘͚̜̩̠̬̜̪̇̏̿ͬ͗̈͞t̷̸̠͒ͮ̓͛͐̆ǫ̀̔̏̔̆͂̏͏̹̱ ̸͚̳̱̯̤̟̇͛͋̆̑̕d̸̡̹̦̞̻̰̝̽ͩ̅ͣ̀ͣő̭̱̗̈́͐̓ͦ ̴̸̖̰͉̩̮̹͉̱̀̄̿ͦ͒ͦ̾t̮͎͈͍͚̗͌̈́́̈͛͘h̦̩͉͉̘̺̪̟̮̑̅̄̍̐ͯ͜͢͠a̼̼̲͈͉̻̥̲͊̅̃t̛͕̜̯̐ͫ̅͂́̀.̧̞̦?
?̥̰̜͔͉̝͐̈ͨͨ́̀̕ ͍̪̞͚͇̜͆̓ͪ́̉ͥ͐̇I̸̧͓̦̖̺̩̫̦͗ͫ͌ͥ́ͅţ̛̪͍̜̭̭͓̯̰ͬ͂̽̐ ̷̲͙̪̮̙͎̲̫͑͑́̒ͪͬͅr̨̨̮̭̮͔̐̃̐̽ͮͤė̶̶̪̺͙̬̼̗̭̣̦ͧ̌̆̈q̯̤̖͇ͣ͐ͤ̏̃ͣ̂ͣ́ͅͅu̧̺͍̰̭̤̪̪̅̂̍ͮ̎͛i
̮͔̠͇̩͉̞̞ͦ̊̊̔͌̑̋r͚̹̘̬̎͢͜e̺̞̱͔̮͇̾ͥ̅̉̀ͫ͐ͬ̃ͅs̝͍͎̲̆̕ ̶̷̜̺̝͎̜̣̞̗̥̍̆ͫ͐͌ͦͫ͡a͙̤̗̯͑̃̇̄̌͊̃͋ ̨̻ͣh̻͍̳̲̘͉̙̖ͨͥͨ̓̕e̢͎̪̼̣͔͓ͨ̿̒̾̋ͤ͟ḻ̫̞͕̤̣̰̳͑ͧ͗ͫ̽͑͒͟ͅl̶̨͙̘̺̰̦̦͋̂͌u̥̫̹̙̖̠̦ͤͥ̇ͭ̂̽̅?
?́́v̦̳̼̝̟̘͒̊ͫͧͤ̔͑a͇͉̱͕͈̒͌ ̸̨͈̱͇̤͑͒̌̐l̵͔̯͕̤̤ͣ̅͐̿o̗̖̟̻̓ͥ͊͠͞t̸̖̗͍̹̦͔͓̝ͥ̏ ̭̳̩̿̄͗̍͋̄̕͟͜õ̴̖̣̩̩̣͙͍̙͈̎̉f̵̟̥͓ͤͦ̀͜ ̡͇̝̜̗̄͋̃̄ͩ͛̀͐ͭc͕̻̳͇̮͚̦̬ͩ̊̑̃́o̿̒҉̭n͚̞͈̅͗͜͡c̠͕̜͍̟̒͊ͧ̔̆ͩ̌͟ę̯͈̱͔͈͎̌͋͌ͦͮ͊ͤn̵̪̣̹̫͉̪?
?̉͘o̫̰̜̣̻̬͆ͧ̏ͅṇ̍́̈́ ̡͇̌ͬͬͦt̳̣̲͚̺͉̹̱̯ͭͬͥͭͬ̓̅̈͗ȏ̮̙̘ͭ̅ͪ͜͠-̴̸̫̳̤̂ͮ͗̏

Ş̬̘ͭ̔̑ͬ̐̓͡o͖̹̼̩̙̰ͩ̅̉̿͢r̢̻͔ͥͯ͘͞ͅr̵͇̣̻͓̗͎̄ͨ͂̎̒̊͂̕͜y̑͛̀̊ͣ̒͏̴̠,̛̘̣̳̪͚̿̔̓͡ ̡͈̠̗͚̭̝̮ͯͭ͠͞Ỉ̹̫͚͕̰͇̯̍͌̄͜ ̩̖̰̹̰̥ͨͨ̑̓ͧf̛̛̦̟̹̜̜̟͉͑̍ͩo̢̠̼̐͂̋̽̌̄̉́͞r͚̭͔̝̘̫̙̟͖ͦ̍̔͛ͯ͞͡ĝ̗͙̿̅͒̄ͥ̓̾o̵̳͓ͫͫ͗ͦ͆͊ͅt̷?
?̯̆̊̎ͫ͊͂ͭ̅͋͟͠ ͍͍̹͓̭͉̘͂ͥͮ̂̒ͫ̉͘t̜̺̺̼̱̹͓̑̐h́ͪ̆͑̒ͭͥ̓҉̶̥̲͞ḁ̻̯̘̓̽̓̈́ͯ̋ͭ͞t̴͌ͭͤͧͫ̓̏͏̪͔̣͔͕̘͕ ͚̬̭̤͈̼͚̗̘ͣ̋̋ͩ̈ͨ̌̆I̵̫̟͚̎̈͡'̢̡̒͒ͦͤͤͪͣ̄҉̹̫̣͉̯̮̱m̧͖̰ͯͦͯͩͩ̐͑ͬ̈́͢͜ ͔͙̰͚̰̥̲͛̾̏ͩͤͦͧͅņ̨̟͙̱̇̈ͣ͛o̵̡̨̪͕͋̔̊̊ͯͫ͋̇͑ţ̫̘̯̪̬̳̲̲̓ͯͮͭ̆ ̴̧̯͇͑ͮ͜s̝͔̰ͦ̏́͒̆ͦ͠͞u̹̦̜̤̻̫̲͈ͦͮ̈͌ͭ͑͞ṗ̷͇̞̟̼̠̝̠̒͢p̷̛̹͈̾̂ͨ̔̇̆ͅȍ̸̬͇͖̞̾sͯ͆̓̍̓̂҉͇̻͔?
?̙͉̳e̢͚͚͓̰͓̦͑͌̃̈́͒̕d̛̳̭̫̞͙͖̖̊ͯ͘ ̵̘͚̜̩̠̬̜̪̇̏̿ͬ͗̈͞t̷̸̠͒ͮ̓͛͐̆ǫ̀̔̏̔̆͂̏͏̹̱ ̸͚̳̱̯̤̟̇͛͋̆̑̕d̸̡̹̦̞̻̰̝̽ͩ̅ͣ̀ͣő̭̱̗̈́͐̓ͦ ̴̸̖̰͉̩̮̹͉̱̀̄̿ͦ͒ͦ̾t̮͎͈͍͚̗͌̈́́̈͛͘h̦̩͉͉̘̺̪̟̮̑̅̄̍̐ͯ͜͢͠a̼̼̲͈͉̻̥̲͊̅̃t̛͕̜̯̐ͫ̅͂́̀.̧̞̦?
?̥̰̜͔͉̝͐̈ͨͨ́̀̕ ͍̪̞͚͇̜͆̓ͪ́̉ͥ͐̇I̸̧͓̦̖̺̩̫̦͗ͫ͌ͥ́ͅţ̛̪͍̜̭̭͓̯̰ͬ͂̽̐ ̷̲͙̪̮̙͎̲̫͑͑́̒ͪͬͅr̨̨̮̭̮͔̐̃̐̽ͮͤė̶̶̪̺͙̬̼̗̭̣̦ͧ̌̆̈q̯̤̖͇ͣ͐ͤ̏̃ͣ̂ͣ́ͅͅu̧̺͍̰̭̤̪̪̅̂̍ͮ̎͛i
̮͔̠͇̩͉̞̞ͦ̊̊̔͌̑̋r͚̹̘̬̎͢͜e̺̞̱͔̮͇̾ͥ̅̉̀ͫ͐ͬ̃ͅs̝͍͎̲̆̕ ̶̷̜̺̝͎̜̣̞̗̥̍̆ͫ͐͌ͦͫ͡a͙̤̗̯͑̃̇̄̌͊̃͋ ̨̻ͣh̻͍̳̲̘͉̙̖ͨͥͨ̓̕e̢͎̪̼̣͔͓ͨ̿̒̾̋ͤ͟ḻ̫̞͕̤̣̰̳͑ͧ͗ͫ̽͑͒͟ͅl̶̨͙̘̺̰̦̦͋̂͌u̥̫̹̙̖̠̦ͤͥ̇ͭ̂̽̅?
?́́v̦̳̼̝̟̘͒̊ͫͧͤ̔͑a͇͉̱͕͈̒͌ ̸̨͈̱͇̤͑͒̌̐l̵͔̯͕̤̤ͣ̅͐̿o̗̖̟̻̓ͥ͊͠͞t̸̖̗͍̹̦͔͓̝ͥ̏ ̭̳̩̿̄͗̍͋̄̕͟͜õ̴̖̣̩̩̣͙͍̙͈̎̉f̵̟̥͓ͤͦ̀͜ ̡͇̝̜̗̄͋̃̄ͩ͛̀͐ͭc͕̻̳͇̮͚̦̬ͩ̊̑̃́o̿̒҉̭n͚̞͈̅͗͜͡c̠͕̜͍̟̒͊ͧ̔̆ͩ̌͟ę̯͈̱͔͈͎̌͋͌ͦͮ͊ͤn̵̪̣̹̫͉̪?
?̉͘o̫̰̜̣̻̬͆ͧ̏ͅṇ̍́̈́ ̡͇̌ͬͬͦt̳̣̲͚̺͉̹̱̯ͭͬͥͭͬ̓̅̈͗ȏ̮̙̘ͭ̅ͪ͜͠-̴̸̫̳̤̂ͮ͗̏

[X] HeLLoooOOOo
[x]"Wanna blow me?"
-[x] Whip it out

Wow, hey, la nouvelle venue est en réalité une BONNE ! En d'autres termes, une domestique ! Avec un tablier et tout ! Bon sang, je suis en train de tomber amoureux, juste là !
De longs cheveux blonds dans lesquels je veux passer mes doigts, des lèvres que j'aimerais embrasser, une joue que j'aimerais caresser, et un cul que j'aimerais écarteler. Je suis amoureux.
« Quick ! What's the situation ? Oh, hello pretty lady ! My name's Rick ! Are you fighting that bitch over here ? It doesn't look like you're winning, everything's in fire ! Wanna blow me ? »
Prenant mon courage à une main, j'utilise celle qu'il me reste pour ouvrir ma braguette, et sortir mon sexe, tout en susurrant d'un ton enjôleur :
« Wanna do it ? »

La dernière chose dont je me rappelle est d'un énorme morceau de métal, extrêmement aiguisé, fonçant à toute vitesse vers ce qui était jusqu'à cet instant présent encore mon visage. Lorsque je compris en un éclair que ce morceau de métal en question était un épée, la vie m'avait déjà quitté, et je démarrais une nouvelle aventure, appelée : « La traversée de l'Higan ».

A true man, bravely waving his dick in the face of death.
I have no regrets.
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[x] “Hello.”

I must remember my English lesson! What's the best way to greet someone? Is it “sup”, “greetings” or “hello”? But if I'm too formal, it'll make the newcomer uneasy, so I have to pick the good one, and-
The word just came naturally from my mouth. Before I can even think “zOMG A MOTHERFUCKING MAID, ALL FETISH LEVEL OVER NINE THOUSANDS”. Because, yeah, I do have a maid in front of me. Not a French maid like Sakuya (why the hell are they called French anyway?), but a maid anyway. A maid is fine too. Long blond hair, yellow eyes, and a constant frowning face. Too bad, if it weren't for the face, she would be cute.
“I'm sure you're thinking something rude about me.”
Oh. Wonderful. A sarcastic and annoying maid. You wanna be sarcastic? Fine.
“Me? Being rude? There's no fucking way in hell I would ever be rude.”
Of course, I'm saying the whole sentence while keeping a straight face. If I'm smiling, she knows I'm making fun of her, and she'll be MAD. By keeping a straight face, she doesn't know if I'm joking or not. And that makes her more mad. Or madder. Whatever, I'm not sure which one is right.
If I could read on face, I would probably be able to read “not sure if trolling or stupid” on her face.

After a short and very comfortable silence (except for Yukai and Mai, who are just standing around like idiots), Yumeko opens her mouth again, only to rudely asks about my presence here. Of course, she's not asking me. What kind of sick country is that? That's reversed misogyny! Or something like that, I'm not good in English.
“Well, he came out of nowhere, and he fell on my head, and...”
“I saw him in Mai's house with my clothes, and...”
“...and then he said he was sent here...”
“...and then Mai was angry after him...”
Burying my face in my palm, I try to suppress a laugh. Why? For the same reason that you don't show up to a burial drunk and wearing pre-faded jeans. Because while being obnoxious makes my day at someone else's expense, this is not a very good tactic on the long run. Piss people off, you get a few laugh, and that's over. Don't piss people off, you laugh less often, but you laugh longer.
I have the feeling that pissing Yumeko off would make me burst out laughing for a few days, but that I might regret it once it's over.

After listening to the girls, Yumeko breathes deeply, and finally do the right thing (this is an awesome story, you should read it), aka asking me directly.
“Who are you and what are you doing here?”
“Hello blond fellow. My name is Ember Conagher. And what am I doing here? I have no idea. I was sent here because someone here needed someone.”
“Someone needs someone. You can't be more accurate, I bet.”
“Well, basically, the Purple Queen told me that someone here was needing a human. I don't know why, and I hope it's not for a /at/ kind of story.”
“You have a big mouth.”
'Is that a proposition?' is what I want to ask, but I really shouldn't be pressing her buttons. Eerr, not in that way, I mean. “I want to help.”
“If you want to help, try to act properly.”
“Unfortunately, not from this world I am, therefore I don't know what 'proper' means here.”
“In YOUR case, it means NOT TALKING BACK TO ME, shaving that horrible moustache from your face, and taking those eyes off.”
“You want me to take my glasses off?” Oh boy, this is NOT going to be fine.

[] Do it anyway. You don't want to piss a maid off. Especially if she's really using swords.
[] She's asking a frenchman to cut his moustache? JAMAIS! C'EST LA RÉVOLUTION! PLUTÔT MOURIR QUE DE SE RENDRE!


So I decided: "screw the serious self-insert story! If I'm trying to be serious, I'll get bored of this story, so I'm going to have fun with it!"
[X] She's asking a frenchman to cut his moustache? JAMAIS! C'EST LA RÉVOLUTION! PLUTÔT MOURIR QUE DE SE RENDRE!

Revolutionary Frenchman is best Frenchman
[X] She's asking a frenchman to cut his moustache? JAMAIS! C'EST LA RÉVOLUTION! PLUTÔT MOURIR QUE DE SE RENDRE!

Heads will be rolling. hehe

Oh you.
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[X] She's asking a frenchman to cut his moustache? JAMAIS! C'EST LA RÉVOLUTION! PLUTÔT MOURIR QUE DE SE RENDRE!

We just have to be the right kind of Frenchman.
[x]She wants a man like us to take off our glasses?! She's asking a frenchman to cut his moustache? JAMAIS! C'EST LA RÉVOLUTION! PLUTÔT MOURIR QUE DE SE RENDRE!

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[x] She's asking a frenchman to cut his moustache? JAMAIS! C'EST LA RÉVOLUTION! PLUTÔT MOURIR QUE DE SE RENDRE!

“I'm deeply about that, but what you're asking from me is basically the rudest thing ever.”
“Excuse me?”
“I'm sorry, I can't excuse you yet. Asking me to shave my moustache off is like asking an british to stop drinking tea.”
“I don't get your reference. I don't know where you come from, but if you want to live here, you have to follow our rules.”
“What's the english word for 'va te foutre tes règles dans l'cul'? I thing it's something like 'I have a Guy Fawkes mask, I can ignore your rules'. I'm not going to shave. If you don't want me, you can send me back. I have updates to write, people to annoy, ubercharges to prepare, and SCIENCE to do.”

The following scene happens in a total silence. Yumeko blinks a few time, while Mai and Yuki is obviously too busy swallowing their knuckles to be scared. I also notice that the two sisters are going paler and paler. Perhaps that maid is not here for shit and giggles. As someone said: better to die standing than living crawling. Or something like that.
“Fine. Follow me, and I shall present you to Lady Shinki.”
I quickly stare at Mai's face. From total horror, she travelled through total surprise, and decided to stay in “incredulity” mode. Hilarious funny to witness. But for now, I have something to do. Fooling around will come after the work.
“I shall follow, and presented to the Lady I shall be.”
Leaving the sisters here, I walk after the fast Yumeko.

And, very soon after that, I'm presented to the Divine Goddess of Makai. Of course, when I say it like that, you're probably like “waaah, dude, that's hot shit you're dealing with here!”. And it would be, yeah, dude. Except that the Divine Goddess of Makai looks like an average woman, with silver hair, blue eyes, almost no breast, and she's wearing a wonderful red … housecoat? A housecoat. She's wearing a housecoat.

Ddyk encountered an unexpected problem. Do you want to send a report?

Okay, I'm back! I'm greeted in that totally unknown world by a silver-haired young woman wearing a HOUSECOAT. But that's fine! I've seen worse! I played Modern Warfare 2, I know horror's true face (if you're interested, horror's true face is being killed by a 8 years old who proceeds to explain in his fucking high pitched voice how he's going to sleep with your mother. I also wanted to rip horror's balls off, put them in his little mouth, add some acid, and watch horror slowly dying), but nothing prepared me to a goddess greetings guest while wearing a HOUSECOAT.
There's simply not enough caps lock in the world to explain how shocked I am.

“Yumeko, leave us alone, please.”
“All right.”
The maid leaving, the both are us are totally alone. For some reason, I remember that /at/ story, where Shinki suddenly pulls a sword out of nowhere. I'm kind of afraid right now, but I'm doing my best to keep a straight face.
“Greetings, human. My name is Shinki, and I am Makai's goddess and the only living being in this land.”
“Greetings goddess. I am Frank Fontaine, but that's just a nickname. By the way, as far as I saw, I am pretty much the only male in this world.”
“Your eyes are working well, Fontaine. Mind me asking, but why the nickname?”
“Because I think that giving your name to someone else means acknowledging their superiority. And I'm too arrogant to be inferior to anyone.”
Shinki's eyes flashes with anger for a moment.
“You're boasting about being arrogant? Forgive me, but you sounds like a troublesome individual.”
“Au contraire! If you insult a wimpy person, it'll go depressed and run away. If you insult an arrogant person, it'll coming back at you. For revenge. Being arrogant is way better than being a wimpy wimp of a wimp.”
“Enough. As interesting as this discussion may be, you do realize that you're not here for chatting, right?”
“Well, if your earlier statement about being the only living being here is true, I wonder about that...”
“That's not the point. Let's us move back to the original topic.”
'What topic?' is what I want to say. But instead of that, I just shut my mouth.
“As I said before, I, Shinki, am a Goddess...”
I figured that. Nobody else would greet someone while wearing a GODDAMN HOUSECOAT!
“I created that land...”
That explains why I already hate it. Seriously, a frozen city? Even americans don't do that!
“And I created everything in Makai...”
Can you create a private maid for my own use then?
“But there's a problem...”
Problem, goddess?
“I cannot live forever...”
No one lives forever. The first one was awful, and the second was hilariously awesome.
“Therefore, I'm worried about the fate of this land...”
Aaah, I was bitten by a mosquito last time! Sorry, you were saying?
“And I want you to help!”
“Okay. What should I do?”
Quit the long introduction. Gimme the introduction point, the objectives, the extraction, the reward, the weapons, and let me take care of this.
“Several decades ago, because of a misunderstanding, that land and I myself were attacked by an evil priestess.”
Oh, crap, here we go with the talk again. Can't you keep that for later? I hate long introductions.
“During the attack, one of my greatest daughters, Alice, went missing. I though she was just too busy reconstruction her city to give me news, but I learned recently that she deserted Makai to chase that priestess.”
I'm not doing murders. Not experienced enough. I'm just level 1.
“I want you to find her, and I want you to...”
“Yes?” Don't use ellipses, that's overused.
“Make sure she's safe.”
I stop watching the ceiling to focus on Shinki. She's uneasily fidgeting, wasting all the charisma from the 'I am a goddess' speech. Of course, the housecoat wasted a large part of it, but, still...
“Mind me asking? If she deserted, why don't you make an example?”
“I do not plan to reign by terror. In fact, I do not want to reign at all. If anything, Alice's desertion might be my fault.”
“Forgive me, but you sounds like the typical mother blaming herself for her daughter's behaviour.”
“I sound like... a mother?”
Raising her head like a puppy, she stares at my very soul with those cute little eyes of her. She really looks like a puppy here. So much that I don't even know what to say. Quick, I must improvise!
What kind of shitty answer is that?!
“Excuse me?”
“My bad. What I mean is that...” I'm trying to find my words. Freaking English, why aren't you as simple as French? My native language is OBVIOUSLY simpler than that complicated foreigner language! “... instead of asking me bring her back for a spanking and a scolding, you're asking me to make sure she's right. Instead of blaming her for, uh, deserting, you're kind of blaming yourself for that.”
“I made her like that. It's just her nature.”
“Would you mind telling me more, please?”
“When I created Alice, I was already worrying about my possible demise. So I wanted to create a daughter able to act independently. And it worked too well. Alice is far more independent, but also more violent, more... human than any other daughter.”
“Mai tried to trick me earlier into wearing Yuki's clothes. And you're saying they're just, uh, prototype?”
“Prototype isn't the word to use here. They're just older, and more used to Makai than Alice will ever be. Mai, Yuki, and even Yumeko are all fine with living forever in Makai. However, Alice is different. She was curious. About life, about nature, about everything.”
“I see...”
“So, can I count on your help?”
“Of course.”
“Thank you. I'll ask Yumeko to provide your assistance, but keep in mind that she can't leave Makai. In fact, that's another interesting aspect of Alice's personality, she's able to live outside. That kind of... but I'm boring you, am I not?”
You're like a grandmother!
“Of course not! What's the word? Perish the though!”

[] I'm pretty confident in my ability to do that alone. Finding Alice's house, gain her trust, ask her how she's doing, and coming back to Makai. After all, I did lost myself many times, and I'm asocial, but I'm too arrogant to fail.
[] It's dangerous to go alone! Can I borrow your daughter Mai/Yuki/Both!


Folder full of Watatsukis and Koishi. I have to find many pictures of the Makai gals if I want to keep on with this story.

We do not need help! We're a man!
[] It's dangerous to go alone! Can I borrow your daughter Mai/Yuki/Both!

Whether we like it or not, we need the sisters to help convince Alice to go back to Makai.
Well this explains why Shinki needed a human. Youkai don't live in Makai, and a Makai demon can't leave Makai. Also, Youkai won't really be able to do much convincing.

[X] I'm pretty confident in my ability to do that alone. Finding Alice's house, gain her trust, ask her how she's doing, and coming back to Makai. After all, I did lost myself many times, and I'm asocial, but I'm too arrogant to fail.

MC and Alice don't get along well with other people, so this will go well.
Is... Is this Fuantei's Shinki? Sure seems like it.

[x] It's dangerous to go alone! Can I borrow your daughter Mai/Yuki/Both!
File 131825749466.png - (80.26KB, 1035x1074 , No.png) [iqdb]
No, no, no, and NO!
So you dont like overly moe shinki? Come on man.
File 131827535545.jpg - (46.44KB, 207x297 , Damn you.jpg) [iqdb]
I don't like the moeblob Shinki being used as a projectile by her bitchy daughter and not saying anything about it.
[X] Hope I ride alone.

It is rather saddening.
File 131844843371.png - (188.92KB, 1024x794 , 1292232953101.png) [iqdb]
[x] It's dangerous to go alone! Can I borrow your daughter Mai/Yuki/Both!

“That aside, I may not be the best person to speak with Alice, so I wondered if I could take one of your daughter?”
“You may. Just, don't harm them, and bring them back to Makai quickly enough.”
“Just asking, but what would happen if they don't come back to Makai quick enough?”
“Frankly, from me to you, I don't know. I guess they'll run out of energy, and fade. And that's the optimist part.”
Now that I think about it, when I was at Mai's house, I couldn't see anything looking like a kitchen. Nothing edible. So perhaps they don't eat? That's a scary though. Being unable to eat crepes, being unable to drink wine while holding the glass in a bossy way while screaming 'WHAT IS A MAN?'. That's something I don't even want to imagine.
“Oh. Okay then.”
There's a silence.
“Now that I think about it..”
“You'll be acting like my personal ambassador?”
Like a revolver? Oh, my bad.
“But if you're my ambassador, I can't let you represent myself with those clothes.”
“What's wrong with my shirt?”
Okay, it' written 'Jack Thompson is watching you playing GTA' on the front, and 'I fapped to your daughter yesterday' on the back, but it's still warm! Well, thinking about this, this is probably the problem. It's not supposed to be warm. Neither it's supposed to be all sweaty and stuff.
“It is not very representative.”
Who cares about that? Oh, yes, she does. Logical, if you think about this. You're going to ask her daughter for news, you can't go there dressed like a tramp. Or like a texan.
“Oh. You're right again. But I'm afraid I don't have any other clothes.”
“Don't worry about that. I'll give some orders.”
“Okay then.”

“That was a TRAP!”
“I don't have any idea what you're whining about. The Lady gave orders, I fulfilled those orders.”
“That's very nice from your Lady to do that, but I still think I can't wear THAT!”
“THAT as you're calling it are the Lady's own clothes. It is a honour to be allowed to wear such clothes.”
Fucking MAID, you don't understand SHIT about a MAN wearing FEMALE clothes!
“I think we have a … how do you call that? A cultural problem here.”
“Really? How so?”
If she playing dumb?
“Because from where I come, wearing someone else's clothes is considered as a sexual, uh, ssssssssssickness!”
“I have no idea what you mean by that, but I want you to remember that those clothes aren't someone else's. They are the Lady's personal clothes.”
I give up. I'm going to regret it, and I'm going to place nettles in your bed. Ah, yeah, you don't eat, so you probably don't sleep either. I hate you!

I hate myself. And I hate you for laughing out loud, Mai. And I hate you for staring blankly at me with a “what-the-hell-main-character?” look on you face, Yuki.
“Are you done?”
“And you, Yuki? Are you done staring at me like that?”
This is going to be one ludicrous and incredibly long day.

“So, Yuki, what's the plan?”
“You mean, to leave Makai?”
“Yeah, not the plan to make pancakes!”
“Well, it's simple, really. There's a portal. We just have to take it.”
“Should we leave your sister here? She's not getting better.”
“Mai is sometimes like that, don't worry. In fact, that's even better, since she's so cold usually.”
“Very funny indeed. So, hu, I'll let you decide the direction until we reached the other side. I'm afraid I don't know much about Makahi. Or Maké. Don't know how to pronounce it.”
“Never wondered. Anyway, I though it would be fun to take the machine! Because, if Mother lets you wear her clothes, she's trusting you! So you'll be here for a while! So maybe I should show you how Makai is!”
“The machine?”
“Yes, it's an odd construction that Mother made recently. It's loud, but it's fun!”
It will never be as loud as Mai.
“Won't she miss it?”
“She gave you her clothes. She won't mind that.”
Thanks for reminding me what I'm wearing.
“And if not?”
“If not, then I'll open a portal to the portal. Faster, but less fun.”
Yo dawg, I heard you liek portal so I put a portal in your portal so you portal whiel you portal.

[] All right. I shall ride that “machine” with the sisters. Social interactions may be important for the mission's success. And if I can throw Mai during the travel, it'll be perfect. Besides, riding any machine is better than taking a portal again, to go to ANOTHER portal.
[] The Machine? Sounds like a bad idea. Let's take the portal. What can possibly happen? I'm already in another dimension.

At first, I screwed up Yuki's personality. I think she's a little more aggressive than Mai, but she's also nicer. More like 'I don't like you! So, I'm saying it straight in an agressive tone', while Mai is more like 'I don't like you. So I'm going to trick you, and speak sometime with that snake tongue of me to ruin your self-esteem'. Sneaky, sneaky Mai. But I guess that wearing a red housecoat too big for you is actually quite ridiculous.
Too late, sorry bro/sis/fellow reader of an undefined gender.
Also, I flipped a coin to figure out what the vote was. Maybe I'll write a joke update with a badass Ember imitating a noir detective, trying to find out Alice's house. Maybe...
[x] All right. I shall ride that “machine” with the sisters. Social interactions may be important for the mission's success. And if I can throw Mai during the travel, it'll be perfect. Besides, riding any machine is better than taking a portal again, to go to ANOTHER portal.
[X] All right. I shall ride that “machine” with the sisters. Social interactions may be important for the mission's success. And if I can throw Mai during the travel, it'll be perfect. Besides, riding any machine is better than taking a portal again, to go to ANOTHER portal.

What does our outfit look like right now? Because if it's merely a giant coat of some sort, we can simply wrap it around ourselves to make us look like a traveler from a foreign and exotic land.
File 131852665090.jpg - (13.22KB, 439x296 , Dickart.jpg) [iqdb]
It's raining. Again.
Nothing changes after all, right? Gensokyo is still the same, no matter what I do.
Today, I was asked by an old lady from the village to find her daughter. I can't tell her that her daughter's lover tied her to a tree and left to to an youkai. I can't tell her the truth. But I can lie. I can find that guy, and I can punish him myself.
Why is it raining so much? Is the sky crying for our sins?
Gensokyo is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. They are all corrupted. The forests are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the priests and youkais and lunarians will look up and shout "Save us!"... and I'll look down and whisper "No." They had a choice, all of them. They could have followed in the footsteps of good person like Byakuren. Decent men who believed in a day's work for a day's pay. Instead they followed the droppings of murderers and youkais and didn't realize that the trail led over a precipice until it was too late. Don't tell me they didn't have a choice. Now the whole world stands on the brink, staring down into bloody Hell, all those smart men, yesmen, all those smart people who can think... and all of a sudden nobody can think of anything to say.
It's still raining when I'm saying the old lady that her daughter left to the Outside World, and that she'll never be back. It's still raining when I'm crushing the boyfriend's throat with my shoes. It's still raining when I'm giving his lifeless body a Colombian neck tie. It's still raining when I gouge his eyes out. It's still raining when I leave his house, leaving a bloody and mutilated corpse behind me. It's horrible, but it's still not payback for what he did to his girlfriend. I saw the youkais. Tearing her body to pieces like dogs. Disgusting.
I check around. There's nobody. I quietly remove my mask, and begin to smoke a cigarette. At first, I wasn't smoking. But Rinnosuke made me smoke. Nice Rinnosuke. Poor Rinnosuke. He asked me to explain him how firearms works. I explained him. Hunting tools. Poor Rinnosuke. He couldn't understand that those “hunting tools” can also be used as weapons. I charged the rifle. He liked. I pointed the rifle at him, and I shot. He understood. Too late. Now, I have a roof over my head, until I find Alice.
It's still raining when I pull someone in an alley. He screams in fear. I break three fingers. He stops screaming, and starts crying. I ask him where is Alice. He tells me he doesn't know. I break another finger. He screams, and tell me she lives in the forest. I break another finger, while telling him I already know that. I ask him where in the forest she's living. He tells me she lives with another magician. He swears he's telling the truth. I tell him that if he lied, I'm coming back for his legs.
Strange story. So it's probably true. Alice living with another magician. Probably Marisa, but I can't be sure until I saw them together.
I remove my mask, and I start walking to the forest. While walking under the rain, I look at my mask. The smiling face stares me. There are several blood splatters here and here. The boyfriend from earlier. I try to wipe them, but the blood is already dry. Fuck. Should have done that earlier.

It's still raining when I reach Alice's supposed house. I don't know what I'm going to find here, so I put on my mask, I tighten my coat, and I enter. Ground floor, there's nothing. First floor, nothing either. As I walk around, getting angrier, I finally reach the attic. There's someone in a rocking chair, turned toward the sky. I quickly walk to her, and I turn the rocking chair.

It's Alice. And she's dead. Headshot. She placed the pistol in her mouth, and she shot. The pistol is still on her knees. That's not good. I have to get the fuck out before-
“Dickart! It's Kotohime here, and the whole police force is with me! We know you're holding an hostage! Let her go!”
“Idiot, idiot, idiot!”
It was a fucking trap! Like a moron, I was lured in a trap! Just how dumb am I?! Screw that, there's no way I'm going to surrender like a little kid. If you want me, come and get me!

I quickly remove my mask and my coat, and I dress Alice's body with them. Then, I run to the kitchen, I grab several matches, and I put the house in fire. If they want to catch me or the “hostage”, they'll have to come inside! Beside, they don't know how I look like without my mask. If I'm lucky, Alice's body will start burning before they enter, and they won't be able to remove the mask to see her face.
I have to find the asshole to tricked me, and I'm going to make him smile like a good Glasgow citizen. And then, I'll tear his body into pieces, and I'll feed him to youkais.
File 131855060228.jpg - (571.68KB, 800x800 , HOLY BREAST.jpg) [iqdb]
See Shinki's red thingy-not-too-sure-what-is-it-really?
That's the same. Nameless Main Character call it a housecoat, because he has poor eyesight because he's too lazy to check what kind of thingie it is really.

Also, yeah, this joke update is the answer for >>7932's vote.
You stand alone. Even in front of the Armaggedon.

Last thing: votes are still open. Feel free to vote.

Ah, I see. Also, joke update is badass as hell.
I call it the 'MILFsuit'. It really shows off her... impressive assets.

Yes, it really draws attention to her...messy hair.
File 131863272222.jpg - (115.47KB, 905x700 , Makaimobile.jpg) [iqdb]
[x] All right. I shall ride that “machine” with the sisters. Social interactions may be important for the mission's success. And if I can throw Mai during the travel, it'll be perfect. Besides, riding any machine is better than taking a portal again, to go to ANOTHER portal.

“All right then. Let's ride the Machine”.

I said the Machine, because I though it was a nice Magicka reference, but it's better to call it the Makaimobile. After all, it does look like a car. A racing car, with many stickers. Umm, stickies. Umm, thingies. Whatever.
“Is that the machine?”
“Yes! It's Mother's personal car! But she doesn't really use it any more, so we're the one mostly using it!”
Aaah, Yuki, you're so cheerful and soo happy. Happy people like you make me want to puke.
“Mainly because it requires skills. Do you think you can drive that, Heinz? Or Ember, or whatever your name really is.”
Aaaah, Mai. You're so... bitchy and bitchy. I want to either break you, either place you in a museum to keep you forever for my own pleasure.
“Yeah, about that, you've been giving different names! What's the deal with that?”
I blankly look at Yuki, while answering in a bored tone:
“I'm suffering from some weird phobia. That phobia is people knowing my true name. That's why I'm always using different name. Ozymandias, Balthazar, Ember, Heinz, Gerard Woodward, Facteur, Hursch, Conagher, Dyhlon, Moon, and even Anonymous. If you ask my name, I'll give you a name. But it won't be my name. It will just be a name.”
It's Mai's voice who's breaking the weird silence.
“That's a very strange disease, but that explains a lot about you.”
“Like what?” I ask, on the defensive.
“Like your moustache and those glasses.”
“Those are unrelated!”
Ask Mai, her mouth twisting into a really sick smile, half-closing her eyes. She wants to piss me off, but I've seen worse. Having your bag used as a football is worse. Especially if you're quite obsessed with your belongings like I am.
“Nice try, Mai. So, Yuki, you want to drive that Makaimobile to the portal leading to the other side?”
“Umm, yes, that's the idea.”
“Let's try it then.”
Yuki quickly jumps in the driver's seat, Mai peacefully walks in the front seat. I, on the other, try to reach the back seat, with Mai's seat blocking me and Shinki's weird housecoat restraining my moves.
“I'm ready.”
There's no safety belt? I don't like thaAAAAAAAAAAT!

Crushing the accelerator, Yuki quickly start the car, while I'm half-thrown out by the sudden shock. I don't know where that girl learnt to drive, but it was obviously in UK!
Hell, everything is so blurry that I can't even see the road! Beside, the wind is constantly trying to take off my glasses! I hate that! I hate that!
And of course, since there's no windscreen, she's forced to scream. I like you Yuki, but you're TOO FREAKING FAST!
Watch the godamn road or we're going to find out! Seriously! Even the rosbeef don't drive THAT bad! Even when drunk, high, or being cocksucked by a prostitute, they're not that bad! Does Yuki knows she has a “brake” pedal somewhere?! I doubt it! On second though, good thing she doesn't, because due to the lack of belt, you would probably kiss the car's bonet!
Black city? And it's about fire? Funny, since Mai's city was made of ice. Reminds me that Ocarina of Time boss, the one in the Gerudo-
Still screaming to cover the Makaimobile's loud noise, Yuki quickly criticize the Frozen City. I'm pretty sure she's doing that just to annoy Mai, who's quietly watching the landscape, not looking at us.
I poke her shoulder, while screaming in her ear. She finally look at me, and I understand. She's sick. Almost puking. That's why she's not saying anything, she's too busy holding everything in place. Make me wonder if they can puke anything, since they don't eat.
Yuki quickly calls me. I shrugs at Mai, suggesting 'good luck', and I look again. That last city is... quite unique. Shinki's city, the Dream City, was quite pretty. With huge black and blue buildings everywhere, and Shinki living in the biggest tower around. Mai's city was entirely white, with mainly low buildings, made of ice, difficult to see in the current landscape. I couldn't really see Yuki's city, but it looked like it was a black city. Probably the industrial kind of city, with clouds covering the sky. I wonder if it's a “steampunk” city, with valves, piston, and all kind of complicated gears. I want to visit it once.
Meanwhile, Alice's old city, Death City, is … well, dead. Yuki turned around the city many times, and it was really and definitely empty. There's nothing much to say about it. It was probably a city in the red tone, with several gardens hanging here and here. Pretty strange, now that I think about it. Shinki's city was just buildings. No gardens. No decorations. Maybe...
“Hey, Yuki? Let us move to the portal. I want to finish that task quickly.”
“As you wish, my Lord!”
Happily shouting that, she crushes the accelerator again, causing Mai to whines quietly.

After an eternity of pain, Yuki finally brakes, causing me to kiss the dashboard with my forehead.
“We're here! Are you happy, you two?”
After a loud wave of happy rejoicing,Yuki crushed the accelerator again.
Did I mentioned that the “portal” is in fact a giant door? Giant, and red door? Probably very solid? Made of steel? And that our current path leads us RIGHT IN THE DOOR?
“James Dean, I'm coming! We'll finally meet!” is the last thing I scream before the car runs (or rather drives) into the door.

And then, things are changing. The strange-looking red sky is replaced by a nice-looking blue sky, the awful black sun is replaced by a nice-looking yellow sun, and the orange clouds are replaced by nice-looking white clouds. I'm in Gensokyo. It's good to be home. Well, not really home, but-
Oh, hello, mister dashboard! Let me kiss you again with my forehead! Let us be rough this time, and let me be knocked out for a little while, please!
With a loud 'BONK', the dashboard makes my wish come true.

When I'm back to my senses, I'm lying on my back in the grass, looking quietly at a huge and blurry blue thing. Maybe I should piss on myself to make sure I'm on my back. Na, no need. I know I'm looking at the sky. And I also know that my glasses are broken. The fact that my arch of the eyebrow hurts and bleeds a little explain enough. Without my glasses, I can't see anything, so I just hope Mai and Yuki didn't swapped their clothes while I was out.
“It was an accident, Sara!”
“Like the last time?”
Sara? The first boss from Mystic Square? The gatekeeper? About that, I found strange that there was nobody to keep the portal.
Slowly raising, I listen to the voices. Yuki, and an older woman are arguing quite badly. That's surely Sara. I look around, trying to find Mai, but without my glasses...
Oh, she was next to me.
“Mai? Are you feeling better?”
“Yes, thank you.”
Wow. What a chance. She's … so calm that's actually unsettling.
“What's happening up here?”
“Oh. Yuki is having an argument with Sara.”
“I can hear that, but why?”
“It has something to do with Sara being in front of the car when Yuki arrived.”
I try to speak like I usually do, but without my glasses, it's just a matter of time before a headache arrives. Beside, my eye is still hurting me. I poke it. Bleeds a little. I'll have to wipe that before visiting Alice. She's probably be scared if she meets a bleeding man wearing her mother's clothes.
“How long was I...”
“Not too long. I was quite worried at first. You were bleeding.”
“Haha, thanks, that the wound is derisory.”
There's a silence. And then...
“Does it hurt?”
That question comes out of nowhere.
“Not really. A little. Just enough to mean 'I am here, and I am bleeding'. That's all.”
I want to add “I've seen worse”, but I don't think Mai is in the mood for some boasting. Dammit, eyes, why don't you work like you're supposed to? I really want to see Mai's face, I want to read her face, I want to decipher her mouth, I want to see if she's pouting, I want to see where's she's watching.
I want to watch her very closely. So closely that I'm able to know what she's thinking. I want to be in control. Right now, I can't anything, only blur and vague silhouette. I have only her voice to help me figuring what she's thinking, and I don't like that. I want to see her face, dammit!

“Hey, you!”
Oh, that's Sara's voice.
Who is she talking to?
“Hey, the guy wearing red clothes!”
I guess she's talking to me. I though that this red and white coloured blurry silhouette wasn't a tree.
“First, my name is not 'Hey'. Second, what do you want from me?”
She lets an exasperated sigh. Serves you right, my name isn't for show.
“Tell me your name, and what you're doing.”
“My name is Cave Johnson, but you may call me C.J., homie! I'm here to meet Alice, see how she's doing, eventually help her, and go back to tell Lady Shinki that her daughter is fine.”
“He's lying. Call him Heinz.”
Thank, Yuki. I'll have your ass for this.
“Liar, uh? And pretty arrogant for a blind and wounded pig.”
“Nah, that's just an open wound.”
“Fine, fine. If it's the Lady's wish, I'll let you pass. But be careful next time Yuki.”
Like hell she will.

Sitting again in the back seat, I try to relax while enjoying the wind in my hair. Like hell I can. I'm supposed to make sure Alice is doing fine, and I lost my glasses. I won't even be able to recognize her if I meet her. It's time to come up with a good cunning plan.

[] Send Mai and Yuki first. Alice will be more relaxed if she sees familiar faces.
[] I go first. Nothing can go wrong. They are sisters, right? If my sister were to knock at my door, I wouldn't be relax about this. But I don't have a sister, so that's a supposition.

Lot of description in that one. Had to check the dictionnary many time. Don't really like that. Sue me for the many caps lock. Should've used less caps lock and more exclamation marks.
[X] Send Mai and Yuki first. Alice will be more relaxed if she sees familiar faces.

This way, they'll set off any traps first, so when we make our move the area will be cleared.
[x] Send Mai and Yuki first. Alice will be more relaxed if she sees familiar faces.

Plus with no glasses, we can walk where they walk to avoid hitting things that may 'blend in'
[X] I go first. Nothing can go wrong. They are sisters, right? If my sister were to knock at my door, I wouldn't be relax about this. But I don't have a sister, so that's a supposition.

There's probably a reason Shinki hasn't done this sooner. Should the sisters truly be needed they'll be nearby.
[X] Send Mai and Yuki first. Alice will be more relaxed if she sees familiar faces.

They do not have much time in this plane. Make them do what they have to do and then bring them home again.
File 131888961320.png - (1.07MB, 2124x1512 , for_old_work_ms_12-13.png) [iqdb]
[x] Send Mai and Yuki first. Alice will be more relaxed if she sees familiar faces.

“We're arrived!”
“Mai, Yuki, do you mind if I send you first? I think Alice may be scared if she sees someone she doesn't know.”
“I don't mind, it's been a while since the last time I saw Alice! Thank you for giving us some family time together!”
“Sending us as decoy, hey?”
Nah, Mai, don't think like that. You'll never get married if you're like that.
“Of course not. Trust me sometimes.”
“Mpf. Fine.”
Nice girl.

I jump from the car, and I sit on the grass, trying to figure what's happening. I hear several footsteps, and I see two strange silhouette moving away, to that huge white blurry thing. Several knock later, there's the sound of a door opening, and a voice happily screaming:
“Nope, it's just Mai and me!”
Beat. Sound of door slowly closing. Mai's exasperated sigh. I jump to my feet, and I come in reinforcement.
“Just asking, but is there a back door?”
I see many things moving pretty quickly. Mai and Yuki are shaking their heads. There are several loud noises, and the door open again.
“All right. You can enter. Mai, Yuki, and whoever is it.”

Following Mai very closely, I enter into the dark, damp, eerie, and creepy mansion of a house. I wouldn't be surprised if a gatherer suddenly came out of a closet to bite me, while screaming like the Tourettes guy. Beside, everything is so damn blurry, I can't see shit. Hell, I can't even see Yuki! Of course, it's mainly because she's mainly wearing black, and because that house is dark too. Damn darknesses. I would rather have magnets. Or duct tape. Duct tape. I love that word. That, and tarlouze. So funny. Tarlouze. Tarlouze. Mwahahaha.
“So, Alice, how'you've been?”
“As usual, sister. I was fine until you came.”
I listen, while keeping my mouth shut. I'm too busy drawing a mental map of the house to pay any attention to those shenanigans. Well, I'm saying that, but I'm also listening very closely to their “shenanigans”, as I said. There's something like bad blood between Alice and Yuki. May be related to Yuki's friendly behaviour, or maybe Alice is really a hermit. Given how “Alice Margatroid” can change depending from the writer, I have to be careful. I must know what kind of Alice I'm facing. Am I facing, a tsundere, a cold-blooded bitch, a peaceful hermit, or something else?
“Yuki, stop being so talkative. Alice is probably not feeling well.”
“Awww, come on Mai! It's been a long time since we saw the little Alice! Look how she grew up! Last time I saw you, you were just reaching my knees!”
“Okay, stop with that! And who's with you?”
Oh. So I'm a decoy. Interesting. She's uncomfortable with that topic, but instead of picking a fight, she tries to change said topic. She's not a bitch. Perhaps just a hermit.
“Bonsoir, mademoiselle. Mon humble nom est Ember, mais vous pouvez vous adresser à moi par le nom de Heinz.”
There's a silence. And then, Alice's voice again, this time barely hiding her excitation:
“My god! French? You french? Paris? Are you with the witch from the Scarlet Mansion?”
I look around, confused with that brutal barrage of words. It's coming too fast for me to understand, DAMMIT!
“Hey, um, Alice, right?”
“I am not related to that witch. I'm, um, owing a favour to Shinki, so I'm here?”
Too blurry. Alice's expression changed, but I can't see very well. I have to pay attention.
“I am not coming back.”
Low tone. Almost aggressive. Unresolved tension. Just mentioning Shinki is enough to stress her. Interesting. Is she feeling guilty? Whatever, there's a misunderstanding, and I can feel that everyone is annoyed by that. Thinking about it, I never said Mai or Yuki what everything was about.
“Nah, nothing like that. Don't worry about-”
“Then why are you here?”
“Don't cut me when I'm speaking, thank. And call that curiosity.”
Ignoring her, I walk to the closest shelves, and I pick up a doll. It's not that hard, given that every shelf in this house is filled to the mouth with dolls. Well, I don't think that shelves have a mouth, but you get the picture.
“Curiosity about magic. You're a magician, right? Tell me about your magic. You talked about the Scarlet Mansion earlier. How is your magic different than that mansion's witch?”
It was simple. Find what she's interested in, and ask her about that. That's not that hard, to manipulate other people.

Later, we're all sitting around the table. Mai is quietly drinking a tea, Yuki is loudly speaking to a doll while putting too many sugars in her tea, and Alice is talking to me. Mainly about her magic.
Now, let me flag something up. I'm not really a genius. I'm smart, and sometimes I'm motivated enough to try something, but having someone explaining magic to me isn't something I'm used to. Especially in English. From the little I could understand, Alice wants to create an autonomous doll. That makes sense, considering her character. But what I'm not getting are the details. It's been, like, 10 minutes since she started talking about that doll she saw in the flower field, and now she's wondering aloud if there's a way for her to reach the same result.
But, long story short, she's fine. She's not dying, or anything like that. In fact, she's probably feeling better than Mai or Yuki. I wonder how that relation with Makai is working. I'll ask Shinki later. I can't really ask now. Either Mai or Alice will suspect that I have something on my mind if I do. That aside, Alice is undoubtedly a Makai being. A makaian. A makan. Not sure. But there's something about her. A really different something. She's... arg, what's the good word? HUMAN. That's it. Unlike the talkative and friendly Yuki, and unlike the cold and tricky Mai, Alice is human.
Maybe it explains why she's kind of a hermit. After all, in Makai, Shinki's daughters are all different, and have responsibilities. Having to protect a city, or something like that. If Alice used to be something like that, no wonder she's kind of a hermit now. It's like a princess having to live in a shelter in woods.
That makes me think... There's no way I could figure what made her different from Mai, or even from Yuki. So, since I know she's fine and stuff, maybe I could go for a walk and leave them alone? If they're sisters, it would be a dick move to stay with them.

[] I'm a dick. I'll stay here until one of them decides it's enough.
[] I'll take a walk outside. I love the forest. Ask me to choose between a beach and a forest, and I'll take the forest.
[] I'll take a walk inside. If that's a witch's house, there are probably secret passage everywhere.

At first, I wanted to write something about Alice's magic, but then I understood that I lacked the vocabulary to describe how I see her magic. So I decided that MC wasn't good enough to understand rapids sentences filled with technical words.
Also, Alice is basically a hermit. But talk a hermit about what he loves, and you'll win his trust.
[x] I'm a dick. I'll stay here until one of them decides it's enough.

Considering the strain that was there until we asked about her magic, this might be the better option.
[X] I'm a dick. I'll stay here until one of them decides it's enough.
[x] I'm a dick. I'll stay here until one of them decides it's enough.

>Also, Alice is basically a hermit. But talk a hermit about what he loves, and you'll win his trust.
[x] Tell Alice to whip it out
Perhaps, we should be more concerned about the walk through the forest to get there rather than the end result. Not sure what to vote yet, but thinking of asking Alice how far she can control those dolls and if she would be willing to protect us via that method.

Plus no glasses AKA: 'Can't see shit captain'
Perhaps it's worthy mentioning it: if you ask the sisters to come with you, you'll actually take the Makaimobile.
[X] “C'est pas ma guerre.” Nope. I know that Alice is doing well, and if she's having a fight with her girlfriend Patchouli, it's not my damn business.

Ah, just need to wrap this up, tell the sisters to tell their mama Alice is doing fine, then FREEEEEDOM!

Sweet, sweet freedom. Released from any obligations, we can wander and roam, impressing the inhabitants with our exotic skills and tastes. Once we get those damn glasses back, anyway.
You mispelled 'erotic' anon. We all know people like us on the internet know nothing except our dicks.

[X] “C'est pas ma guerre.” Nope. I know that Alice is doing well, and if she's having a fight with her girlfriend Patchouli, it's not my damn business.

>fuantei pic
Fucking knew it.
File 131901337695.jpg - (152.41KB, 600x600 , Not fuantei.jpg) [iqdb]
[x] I'm a dick. I'll stay here until one of them decides it's enough.

I lean forward, baring my teeth in a predatory smile.
“So, Alice, if I get it right, you want to create an autonomous doll, right?”
“Precisely, yeah!”
“A doll able to move by herself?”
“But that doll will be living, right?”
She hesitates for a while, and answers:
“Highly depends what 'living' means. If that means having a beating heart, the answer is no. If that means being able to move, to feel, to like, then the answer is yes.”
“Like a daughter, then?”
There's a silence, only interrupted by Yuki loudly drinking her liquid sugar. Meanwhile, I'm mentally laughing in a totally obnoxious and arrogant way. But I'm too busy fiddling with a doll to watch Alice's face. And even if I wanted to, without my glasses, I can't see anything beyond 1 meter (3 feet if you're still using that archaic old haggy thingy).
“Aaah, that was good! Alice, mind refilling my cup?”
Those doll are really great. Flexible, and strangely warm to the touch. The skin is also very … human-like. Yep. Those dolls really look like mini-girls. Only the eyes are strange. The one I'm holding is always staring at me, no matter how I turn her. That's scary, now that I think about it. Alice can basically put a doll on the wall in front of your bed, and make the doll moves slowly toward you while you're reading a book. You raise your eyes, and you notice the doll moved. You blink, and you noticed it moved again.
I'm NOT sleeping here. Had too many nightmare with the Poltergeist film, I don't want to get another nightmare with a REAL doll this time. Especially if she really looks like a girl.
“Stop looking at me?”
I can see Alice's hands moving a little, and the doll's eye stop moving at the same time.
“Thank you Alice. I'm quite uneasy when dolls are staring at me.”
“That's good to know.”
“Excuse me?”
“Nothing, nothing.”
Is she holding a grudge at me? Oh, dear, I hope she's not.
“That aside, Alice, I wondered why you talked about patchouli earlier. You're waiting a delivery?”
Now, I guess I should thank Yuki. Even if I know she's totally wrong about patchouli.
“YES! Yes, that's it! I was waiting a delivery!”
“Alice, are you sick?”
It's Mai talking now. I must admit that I'm surprised. She's unusually silent since we entered. And, of course, I use the occasion to shut my mouth and go silent. I'll just clear my throat if discussion isn't going well.
“Why do you ask that, big sister?”
Still fiddling with the adorable doll, I glance at Mai, noticing that she placed an elbow on the table, placing herself between Alice and me. Is she doing that unconsciously, or..."
“Because patchouli is used to brew relaxing herbal tea. So, do you have something bothering you? Something we can help with?”
The whole table stare at Mai in total silence. Even me. I mean, Mai was obnoxious, arrogant, bitchy, annoying and tricky so far. And now, she's asking her cute little sister if she can help. Of course, I'm really cautious about that. I'm half-expecting her to go “just kidding, fix your own problem yourself”. But maybe I'm too pessimistic. But I'm dealing with Mai here. The only one happy to be able to fight alone against the character in Mystic Square. She's the kind of girl keeping her mouth shut, only opening it when you're knocked away, and only to badmouth you and say how strong she is.
Looking completely lost, Alice looks around the table, and her gaze stops on me. I'm still messing with the cute little doll, only looking her from the corner of my eye. Well, I say she's looking at me, but I'm mostly guessing. You should try it someday. See how people with glasses are. Then, you could be happy to have normal eyes. Make me wonder if Mamizou is the same. Putting those useless thoughts aside, I turn my bored face to Alice, and I answer:
“J'aurais besoin d'un renseignement de la part de la sorcière du Manoir près du lac.”
I barely manage to avoid jumping. This is something totally unexpected. Stay calm. Stay calm.
“Je peux peut-être demander, mais je doute d'être écouté. Puisqu'après tout, c'est vous la sorcière. Pas moi.”
She wants me go bug Patchouli. I just answered something like 'not gonna do it, can't damnaku'.
“Au contraire. Elle aura plus confiance en vous qu'en moi, puisqu'elle devinera votre inaptitude à la magie.”
Basically, Alice just said something like 'ur a not a wizzard, so she won't see you as a potential rival'.
“Peut-être. Mais la sorcière de côté, le manoir en lui-même est dangerereux. Je ne tiens pas à servir de réservoir à la maîtresse.”
I nicely exposed my fears of being attacked and raped by a 500 years old little girl.
“Comment savez-vous à propos de... Peu importe. Quelle est votre réponse?”
CRAP, I made a mistake here. I mentioned Remilia before officially knowing about her. And now, Mai and Yuki are staring at me, not having a clue about what Alice and I just talked about.

[] “Votre requête est acceptable.” It's okay. However, it's not the sister's business, so I'll leave them here.
[] “Je mets les pieds où je veux, et c'est souvent dans ta gueule.” It's okay. However, I'm not going to go in that place without a back-up. Mai, Yuki, with me.
[] “C'est pas ma guerre.” Nope. I know that Alice is doing well, and if she's having a fight with her girlfriend Patchouli, it's not my damn business.

Protip: Alice reads many books. She's also restraining her power, for some obscure reason (I'm sure it's for 'teh lulz', but I can't prove it). Canonically, she'll never fight for real. I think that's why she's using dolls. It's a handicap.

Where do you see a fuantei pic? That never happened!
[x] “C'est pas ma guerre.” Nope. I know that Alice is doing well, and if she's having a fight with her girlfriend Patchouli, it's not my damn business.

seems for the best.
> J'aurais besoin d'un renseignement de la part de la sorcière du Manoir près du lac.
I need information from the witch of the Manor by the lake.
> Je peux peut-être demander, mais je doute d'être écouté. Puisqu'après tout, c'est vous la sorcière. Pas moi.
I may ask, but I doubt to be heard. Because all, you're the witch. Not me.
> Au contraire. Elle aura plus confiance en vous qu'en moi, puisqu'elle devinera votre inaptitude à la magie.
On the contrary. It will have more confidence in you in me, as your inability to guess the magic.
> Peut-être. Mais la sorcière de côté, le manoir en lui-même est dangerereux. Je ne tiens pas à servir de réservoir à la maîtres.
Maybe. But the witch aside, the mansion itself is dangerous. I do not want to serve as a reservoir to the master.
> Comment savez-vous à propos de... Peu importe. Quelle est votre réponse?
How do you know about ... Whatever. What is your response?

There's the French translated. Now, as for the choices...

> Votre requête est acceptable.
Your request is acceptable.
> Je mets les pieds où je veux, et c'est souvent dans ta gueule.
I step where I want, and often in your face.
> C'est pas ma guerre.
It's not my war.

Let these help you in chosing, Anon.
>On the contrary. It will have more confidence in you in me, as your inability to guess the magic.

Apologies, correct sentence should be "she will trust you more than she trusts me, foreseeing your inability to use magic".
Now then, my bad for using french on the votes, I did not think it would confuse you.
Don't worry, I was useing Google Translate to turn them English anyway.
File 13193318605.png - (144.15KB, 800x450 , The_End.png) [iqdb]
[x] “C'est pas ma guerre.” Nope. I know that Alice is doing well, and if she's having a fight with her girlfriend Patchouli, it's not my damn business.

“Attendez, laissez-moi ajouter deux et deux. D'abord, vous avez crié 'Patchouli!' à la porte. Ensuite, vous avez hésité quand Mai vous a demandé pourquoi vous vous inquiétez au sujet de cette herbe. Ensuite, vous admettez connaître cette sorcière, sans pour autant vouloir la rencontrer face à face.”
Alice's face grows uneasy as I'm listing the strange facts that happened. First, she screamed Patchouli's name when we arrived, then she obviously lied to Mai, and now she doesn't want to face her? That's sounds like two friends having an argument.
“Désolé, mais je ne veux pas m'impliquer dans une guéguerre entre sorcières.”
Damn right. I heard that the only thing more dangerous than a wounded tiger is an angry woman. And Alice wants me to go bug an angry witch? Not gonna happen. Last time I startled a witch, it was during a left 4 dead game. And I died. Painfully. Only good way to deal with a witch is to burn the whole place down, but I highly doubt that throwing a molotov in a library is a good idea. Especially with books able to move by themselves.
I try to ignore the fact that Alice's sad face is kind of breaking my heart. I must be tough. I'm an asshole, I must act like one, that's simple. Look after your own, yadda yadda.
“So, what did you said?”
Aaaah, Mai, I missed your annoying high-pitched voice.
“Alice basically asked me to poke a witch in the eye. I basically told her I wasn't going to throw my life away.”
“Poking eyes? Hey, that sounds fun! Really fun! I remember Mai used to do that back in the day, when Alice was all little! She was like, 'Hey Alice, I have something fun, c'mere', and then she poked Alice in the eyes! Isn't it funny?”
Yuki, I really like your optimism, your enthusiasm, and your never-ending happiness, but somehow I think that your common sense is lacking. Even an asocial as me knows that digging old jokes like that is like declaring war between the sisters. OR MAYBE IS IT WHAT YOU'RE PLANNING? YOU EVIL MASTERMIND!
Whatever. I must quickly reorient the conversation elsewhere.
“So, Alice, you were in charge of Death City, right?”
“Ah? Uh, yeah. Well, back in the day, it wasn't called like that. The city got that name when I... when I came here, in Gensokyo.”
FUCKING GOOD JOB! You did worse than Yuki! And that's not a compliment! Bah! Since the conversation started after all, better keep on for a while.
“Oh. How was it before?”
Alice briefly smiles with a faraway look in her eyes.
“That wasn't bad. I had many inhabitants in my city, even sealed youkai from that world. I remember when that monk, Byakuren, came to visit my city, she claimed it was 'almost like the outside world'. When hearing that, I was interested, and I decided that next time I had a chance, I would try and visit the outside world, so I could have the most beautiful city in Makai.”
Byakuren in Makai? That makes sense... So, that happened before Mystic Square then... In other words, I cannot let Alice keep on, or she's talk about that Shrine Maiden coming from nowhere, and beating people into submission.
“Byakuren? The legendary monk's sister? She was in Makai?”
I do my best to display a surprised face, and I think I did it pretty well. Well, I can't be totally sure, since I can't see anything.
“Of course. Many troublesome individuals were sealed in Makai. Don't you know?”
That voice... That's not Alice, that Mai's scorning voice, dripping with arrogance.
“Maybe you don't know it yet, honey, but I'm not from Makai. Therefore, I cannot know everything about that strange world of you. But that aside, how many individuals were sealed in Makai?”
Mai clicks her tongue, probably in frustration, while Yuki's voice answer my question.
“Back in the day, they were quite many. But now, almost all of them left. I think the only one we see regularly is Luize.”
“You know, I don't want to sound offensive, but the more I hear about people being sealed in Makai, and the more I think it was more or less used as a trash can.”
There's a long silence before Alice finally answers.
“You can't say that. Gensokyo's underground is far worse, in the 'populated by annoying guys' category.”
I snigger.
“Well, maybe I'll visit it later. Sounds interesting.”

After that, the conversation went well for a good while, and then it died again, after Mai asked Alice if she planned to come back to Makai. I quickly exchanged a look with Yuki, who nodded, and I raised, announcing that we were late, and that we shouldn't annoy Alice for too long.
After all, I have my informations, I know Alice is fine, so Shinki will be happy. Yeah, there's that possible argument with Patchy, but Shinki looks like the doting parent type. So I'll just avoid speaking about that, that'll probably fix by itself.
“Oh, wait! We still have some time!”
Fucking idiot retarded Mai. You don't understand the part about 'we're very busy'? Maybe I wasn't clear about that? Let me be more clear.
“Mai, dear, we DON'T have time. Shinki, no, your Mother is waiting. ASAP. Or right now, if you prefer.”
“Oh. If it's from Mother, then okay.”
Is she retarded, or just more asocial than me? Even I can tell what topic are to avoid. Of course, most of the time, I notice it too late. But I think that Mai mentioned it on purpose, for some reason. Pissing off her sister? Probably. Making us uncomfortable? Maybe. Being obnoxious? That's MY line. I won't let anyone else being obnoxious. Not as long as I live. I have a goal in my life! Being as obnoxious as possible!
That's just a line, of course. If I really wanted to do so, I wouldn't be in a foreign country, wearing a red housecoat/dress/thingy too large for me, I wouldn't be sitting in the Makaimobile, and I wouldn't be saying to myself 'I'm going to puke I'm going to puke I'm going to puke' because, one more time, it's Yuki who's driving the car, and she got her freaking driver license in a Kinder Surprise.

The faster we go, the faster we're arrived, the faster I can talk to Shinki, and the faster I can go puke somewhere before being too sick. Sara is a casualty. Too bad she was here. One who die shall blame his fate.

We're arrived! I can finally... keep my mouth closed to keep the tea where it's supposed to be.
“You all right?”
Fuck yeah, ask a sick guy who wants to puke if he's right. Don't you have any common sense? Are you even sick?
… I guess they don't, since they never eat. And since they never sleep. So they're never sick.
BUNCH OF LUCKY BASTARDS! Never biting their cheeks by mistake, never biting their tongue, never waking up with an urge to puke over the blanket, never having any headache! I hate them!
Keeping my though for me, I vaguely wave at whoever spoke to me, before slowly staggering toward Shinki's palace. Feel like I'm forgetting something. Something really important.

Ha, yeah. I remember. It's been a whole day since Yukari abducted me. And they're not eating anything in Makai. Therefore, I'm starving and quite thirsty. Well, I should be. But I'm working with pure adrenalin. Except that the adrenalin thing kinda ran out. So I don't have any energy left.
“Je savais que j'oubliais quelque chose...”
The world quickly spins around me, and something hits my head. As I fall into darkness, I understand that I'm living in a demon world. Human aren't supposed to live as demon. That's just retarded.

[] The demon shall wake up, and fight for his life. Even if you're a foreigner, you're feeling at home, and you feel happy when you're watching Makai's cities.
[] Human you were, human you will be. You're defined by what you are, and your behaviour is undoubtedly human. Manipulation, betrayals, pissing off people just for fun, helping other people for no reasons.

Protip: you shouldn't fucking force yourself into fucking writing when your jaw fucking hurts like a fucking bitch. I fucking noticed it slightly affect your fucking writing.
[X] Human you were, human you will be. You're defined by what you are, and your behaviour is undoubtedly human. Manipulation, betrayals, pissing off people just for fun, helping other people for no reasons.

All problems can be solved by shouting "I AM A MAN" and punching the obstacle in the gut.
[x] Human you fucking were, human you will fucking be. You're defined by what the fuck you are, and your fucking behaviour is undoubtedly human. Fucking manipulation, betrayals, pissing off people just for fun, helping other people for no fucking reasons.

Just thought this would fucking fit with how you're fucking typing.
[x] Human you were, human you will be. You're defined by what you are, and your behaviour is undoubtedly human. Manipulation, betrayals, pissing off people just for fun, helping other people for no reasons.

I kind of wanted to vote for the other, but at the same time I feel this is for the best.
File 131940627030.png - (340.61KB, 750x2880 , FunComic.png) [iqdb]
Both are source of fun.
"Fun" in the Dwarf Fortress sense. "Fun" as in "you'll probably have to fight a fucking god with your puny human strenght and your godamn bare hands! Good luck!"
[X] Human you were, human you will be. You're defined by what you are, and your behaviour is undoubtedly human. Manipulation, betrayals, pissing off people just for fun, helping other people for no reasons.

> "Fun" in the Dwarf Fortress sense. "Fun" as in "you'll probably have to fight a fucking god with your puny human strenght and your godamn bare hands! Good luck!"

So? There are those who were able to colonize hell. You know, the place where all the 'Hidden Fun Stuff' is? There's also 'Planespacked' and Project 'Fuck The World' to consider as a start.
[X] Human you were, human you will be. You're defined by what you are, and your behaviour is undoubtedly human. Manipulation, betrayals, pissing off people just for fun, helping other people for no reasons.

File 131949404393.jpg - (65.75KB, 656x600 , M0109.jpg) [iqdb]
[x] Human you were, human you will be. You're defined by what you are, and your behaviour is undoubtedly human. Manipulation, betrayals, pissing off people just for fun, helping other people for no reasons.

You know, philosophers and writers are always trying to describe what “human” means. Am I human if I can laugh? Hyena can laugh too, so I think not. Am I human if I have emotions? Monkeys, dogs, horses and many other animals can be happy too. Am I human because I have an opposable thumb? Am I human because I think instead of acting?
I don't know what it means to be human. I think it's a weakness, since I just collapsed from hunger and thirst. I'm weak because I am human. But I don't want to change. My body is weak, I'm not strong, I'm not tough. But I am smart. I am proud. I care for people around me, even if I pretend I don't. I am human, whatever that means. And I don't want to change.

I blink several times. The ceiling is a blurry black and blue thing. I try to find my glasses, only to remember that Yuki broke them. No, I broke them. That's not Yuki's fault.
I slowly get up. Feels bad. Head is spinning. Don't get up. Just sit quietly, wait for the blood to move. Move too fast, and the blood will be stuck in my head, causing headaches.
“You're awake.”
That's not a question. That's a disappointed remark. In other words, that's Yumeko. I prefer dealing with Mai rather than dealing with Yumeko. Why? Because Yumeko is taller than me. I'm pretty sure I can slap Mai around while laughing, but Yumeko is something else.
“Where's Shinki? The Lady?”
“The Lady is waiting on the balcony.”
“Gut. Show me the way.”
Usually I don't give orders, but I'm so hungry I feel like I have a black hole in my stomach. Hell, I even want to pounce that red maid and eat her raw. Yes, eat her like that too. Hell, I kind of put my jam my dick in anything looking like a girl right now. I wonder if it's due to the adrenalin rush? Well, anyway, I have things to say, people to annoy, and Batman Arkham City to buy.

Following the maid with troubles (due to the fact that this palace is a FUCKING LABYRINTH), I finally reach the last stage. I mean, the balcony.
I wish I have my glasses. There's something red in front of me, probably Shinki. Behind her is the whole Makai, coloured like a patchwork. That white dot is probably Mai's city, while that smoky black one is probably Yuki's city.
“Can you see it?” I don't answer. Mainly because I think that's not really a question, and also because I want to bury my teeth in something sweet. “Can you see that world?”
“When I arrived here, there was nothing. It was a pitch black pool of energy. At first, I was scared. I created something to live in. A house. But with time, I learned to use that energy, to refine it. There was darkness, I created light. There was nothing, I created a world. I was bored, so I made life. I was alone, so I created a family. I wanted to see the stars again, so I created a sky. I wanted to breath air, so I created it. I made everything in Makai.” She stops looking at the demon world, and looks at me. “But now, there is something I don't understand. Something I can't control. I can't feel what Alice is doing. I don't know how she's doing. I have no idea what she's thinking. Simply put, I feel like she's not my daughter any more.” She walks to me, and looks in my eyes. “Like you. You are here, in my world. You're the one occupying Mai's mind. I cannot say what you are thinking. I can't know what you are feeling. I can't even feel you when you're behind me. You're like Alice. But you're Alice. I created Alice. But now, Alice isn't my daughter any more. Tell me. Why?”
She stops talking. Maybe it's my turn. You're not going to like what I'm going to tell you, Shinki. I'm sorry.

“I do not know anything about magic. I am human. When I can't use my strength, I use my brain. In my world, we're saying that intelligence is adaptation. If you're smart, then that means you can adapt to any situation. I'm human, therefore I'm smart. You, Shinki, are not human. I'm not sure what you are, actually. But I understood many things. And you're not going to be pleased with my discoveries.”
I stop talking, and I nervously glance at Shinki. She's unexpectedly calm.
“Tell me.”
“Alice isn't your daughter any more. She's too smart for that. Don't get me wrong, I'm saying saying that you or your daughters are dumb. But... Alice just thinks about tomorrow. When I visited her, she was worried about a friend. Meanwhile, Mai and Yuki are just worriless. No, I mean carefree. Mai tried to trick me into wearing Yuki's clothes, and Yuki probably ran over Sara. I think... that your daughters don't care about tomorrow. They're never worried about anything, they don't care about consequences. Alice is different. She cares. She wants to get along. She wants to be friend.” I stop again, and I walk to the balcony, toward Makai. “That land is carefree. And I think I understand why.”
“... then why?”
“Because they don't have any desire. They're just living for today to tomorrow. Living from day to day. Alice, on another hand, is always researching. Alice is moved by a desire. And I think that's why she was able to move away from you. All Makai residents are like dolls, you told me that yourself. But Alice was always curious and fascinated by dolls. I think that, one day or another, she understood. And she wanted to know more. If you want your daughters to be able to live without you, give them desires.”
“I see. But that's not everything, right?”
“I... That's all I have to say.”
“Don't be shy. Tell me everything.”
I take a deep breath.
“Fine. I think you were human before becoming a goddess. All your creations are humans-like. Your daughters look like girls from my world. Yumeko would probably be able to live peacefully in a human settlement. And yet, they're not human. That's not a coincidence. When you created them, you used a model. You were probably inspired by other human you saw before.”
“... Keep on.”
“But you weren't able to live for real. You probably died while you were still young. You're not wise enough to create life, so you created dolls, living carefree, without any desire one would call 'normal'.”
“Finish your speech. What do you suggest?”

[] “Your daughters are carefree. Give them desires, and they will live for real.”
[] “Give up on being a goddess, and live like a human until you think you're wise enough to create true life.”
[] “I cannot help you any further. I'm just an average human. Go ask someone wiser than me.”
[] “I dunno. Are you free? Wanna go out to the local restaurant? I'm kind of hungry.”

Lot of weird expressions in this one. Not sure they were properly translated. I wish I could draw Makai's land. Badger is reacting quite strangely too. Some people are talking more when hungry, or stressed. Picture is totally random.
[x] “I cannot help you any further. This is something you must find on your own, you must learn; not be shown.”
-[x] “Other than that, are you free? Wanna go out to the local restaurant? I'm kind of hungry.”
[X] “I cannot help you any further. This is something you must find on your own, you must learn; not be shown.”
-[X] “Other than that, are you free? Wanna go out to the local restaurant? I'm kind of hungry.”
x] “I cannot help you any further. This is something you must find on your own, you must learn; not be shown.”
-[x] “Other than that, are you free? Wanna go out to the local restaurant? I'm kind of hungry.”

Let's be all mysterious and wise, then shatter it completely by asking for food.
Hey, its the best way to make them really consider something. Like if you were serious or not.
[x] “I cannot help you any further. This is something you must find on your own, you must learn; not be shown.”
-[x] “Other than that, are you free? Wanna go out to the local restaurant? I'm kind of hungry.”
Why not
[x] “I cannot help you any further. This is something you must find on your own, you must learn; not be shown.”
-[x] “Other than that, are you free? Wanna go out to the local restaurant? I'm kind of hungry.”
File 131985440668.jpg - (238.16KB, 700x800 , 00fad3cc7aed02d7dbe776ab8817fd56.jpg) [iqdb]
[X] “I cannot help you any further. This is something you must find on your own, you must learn; not be shown.”
-[X] “Other than that, are you free? Wanna go out to the local restaurant? I'm kind of hungry.”

“I suggest you learn life. But you should do it on your own. This is not something I can explain you. I'm just a writefag, not a wise man. Ask me what life is and I'll give you a list of one's organs. Philosophical stuff isn't my stuff. Wisdom isn't my stuff either. I'm a being of knowledge, and I only crave for more knowledge.”
“Can't you show me?”
“Shinki, you're a goddess. I'm a human. There's no way I can help you with that, I'm sorry.”
“I see.”
Still looking at Makai, I think. There's clearly something she wants from me, but she's not going to say it aloud. I have to figure it on my own. What do you Shinki? What don't you tell me clearly? Is it something embarrassing? Something like “I died a virgin without being able to bear childrens”?
In many civilisations, breasts are considered as a powerful symbol for 'Mother'. The typical mother always have huge breasts. I'm not sure why, but I know it has something to do with the breast-feeding thing. A good mother doesn't feed her baby with a bottle, but directly with her breast.
But here, in Makai, everyone is flat, except Shinki. Even Yumeko, who's practically Shinki's right-hand is flat. While I don't really understand that obsession for breast, I understand that there's a meaning behind that. Not jealousy, but rather cluelessness. Like, Shinki doesn't know it's important.
Aaah, Shinki, Shinki, Shinki... Who are you? Why do you have so many holes in your education? Your sense of justice is strong, you're truly worried about your “daughters”, and yet you're so clueless about so many things...

“But that aside, you wanna hang out tonight? I'm kind of hungry, and the best place to talk is while sitting at a table, drinking a good wine, and eating french fries.”
“Oh, please, don't 'hu' me. You do know that the best way to have complicated talk is around a good meal.”
“No, I don't. I cannot leave Makai, so I don't know your customs.”
“Oh. Kay.”
Disappointment. Ô cruel destin! Why are you so eager to torment me? Why are you so mean? Why are you so bad? And now, how can I eat?
“Umm, I can ask Yumeko to prepare something for you.”
“Oh yes, I can imagine that pretty clearly. 'Today's meal: cyanide! Limited offer, only for maggots who dareth to call our Lady by her name! Enjoy, and DIE.' She'll probably cook me something like that. Or she'll cook me. For real.”
“You don't trust Yumeko?”
“Not at all. She's always so arrogant and stuff, she's the kind of girl not explaining you how you were rude, assuming that it's your own fault if you don't know local customs. But enough talk! Have at you!”
“Things are simple, Goddess. I cannot live in your world, for it cannot brings me the energy I need to live. Therefore, if I cannot help you any further, allow me to leave your world.”
“Ah? Uh, okay. I guess.”
“But allow me to say something else. I never promise, for causing disappointment is the worst thing I can cause, but since it's you, I promise that, should you need my help, I'll be here.”
With that being said, I dramatically spin, turning my face toward Shinki, smiling warmly. Well, trying to smile anyway. But since my cheeks hurts, I'm probably grimacing like a mad clown.
“Should I need your help, I will not forget this. You can go now, with Makai's blessing.”
With that being said, Shinki turns into a huge light being, armed with 6 wings. After that, I don't quite remember. My lack of glasses, my hunger, and the fact that floor was no longer under my feet was enough for me to lose my attention on Shinki.
“I'll be baaaack!”
Said a screaming human falling through the air, toward the gate to Gensokyo.
First thing I notice is the difficulty to breath. Second thing I notice is the strange taste in my mouth. Third thing I notice is that fact that my face is buried in the ground. Jumping to my feet, I curse.
“J'lui demanderais jamais de livrer une pizza.”
And here I am, back in Gensokyo. I have no idea how I'm going to live from now on, but one thing for sure, I'm not going to leave so soon after arriving. I'll find something.

“Hush. There's something wrong.”
My eyes still closed, I listen carefully. There's no birds singing, no insects crawling. Nothing. The forest is totally silent. I climb down the tree, and I whisper to the girl following me.
“Yep. Something wrong. Probably a youkai. Do you think you can sweet-talk it?”
She answers in her typical over-excited tone.
“Of course! I mean, yes! Probably! If it's not too mean!”
It's been two weeks since I started 'working' with that girl, and I still don't know her name. Not like it's important, since I don't give a damn about her, but sometimes, I feel like I'm rude.
“Yeah, right. But listen, we're fleeing. I'll let you talk to it if it catches us, okay? Don't try to be smart.”
“Awww, no worries Badger. I learned well! You were on my back for so long after that incident!”
“Right. But before we leave, did you draw a map?”
“Yes! Yes! I've got everything covered! Lady Akyuu will be pleased!”
Akyuu doesn't really have the choice. That constantly over-excited girl and me are the only human stupid enough to willingly leave the village and go exploring wilds areas for fun. Dangerous job, but I'm not good at anything else than that, so, a job is a job. Beside, it allows us to visit lot of areas I didn't know shit about. For example, from the village, you walk to the Misty Lake, then you keep walking, um, full South, and you'll reach some kind of huge fir forest. Uuuh, fir trees forest. Conifers forest. Not too sure how I'm supposed to say it. Whatever. Anyway.
Said conifer forest is incredibly acid. I just touched a fir tree with my finger, and licked the sap. Almost burned my tongue. After that, I left that girl draw a map and a few plans, while I was busy climbing a tree.
And now, we're slowly retreating in the most total silence, trying not to-
Uh-hu. Either that's my teeth, either that idiot walked on a broken branch, making a huge noise.
“The hell are you doing?”
“Ah! I'm sorry! Didn't did it on purpose!”
“We'll settle that later! Most important is leaving that place- what the hell is that thing?”
There's a huge dark blob behind her. Curse my useless eyes, I can't see it! Her, on the other hand, see it just fine.
And apparently it's creepy.
I grab her hand, and I start running.

“I don't understand why you're still mad after me! We made it!”
“Yeah, we made it. We escaped the big brown thing. We managed to set a camp. Woo-hoo, I'm soo happy I'm going to cry.”
“If you're happy, then why do you hit me?”
“TU VEUX QUE J'EXPLIQUE? Just you wait, I'm going to explain! First, we're camping! Outside! With many youkais roaring around and killing people because they CAN! Second, we're having a fire. Cool, we're not going to die frozen. But that fire is equivalent to using your name in a thread when it's expressively forbidden! It's like going in Ireland and saying 'I love potatoes'! It's a death sentence! And, last but not last, we're OUT OF FOOD AND LOST! Do you understand why I hit you, now?”
“I still think that's a silly reason.”
“Okay. Then explain me how you plan to sleep tonight. We have blankets and emergency stuff, but night are really cold here. Do you plan to stay awake the whole night, or do you plan to die frozen while you're sleeping?”
“I don't understand you.”
“THE FIRE! Argh, fine, go to sleep! Just... go to sleep! I'll take care of that damn fire, and I'll wake you once I'm too tired!”
“Really? Thank!”
“Yeah, yeah!”
Humming happily, the girl lie down, pulls her blanket over her head, and quickly falls asleep. I wait for a good while, and I whisper something she doesn't need to hear.
“Good night.”
After that, I pull my own blanket over my head, and I stay awake in the darknesses, half-expecting an youkai to pounces me and eats me.

Luckily, the night is calm. Really strange, now that I think about it. Well, I try to sound smart, but the truth is that I was awake during the whole night. I tried to woke that girl, many times, but when I saw her sleeping face, I couldn't bring myself to shake her and scream 'HEYO, IT'S WHIPPING TIME'. Call me a coward, I won't deny that.
Long story short: I'm too tired to think straight. Add that to my useless eyes, and I'm myself totally useless. In other words, she's more or less in charge here. We're doomed.
“So! Where do we go?”
“Dunno. Check the compass.”
“I forgot it.”
“I'm going to beat you so hard...”
“There's no need for that! See?”
“I can't see anything and I'm tired...”
“There's a red... thingy here!”
“Probably the red devil house...”
“Nope! Doesn't look like the Scarlet Devil Mansion at all!”
“Meh. What is it then?”
“I don't know! That's exciting!”
“Beating people to death with a golf trophy is exciting. What you're feeling right now is fear.”
“Fear is awesome then!”
“Meh. What's here? That brown thingy?”
“Silly you, that's the forest we were yesterday! Remember the picnic we had?”
“Meh. So in short, it's either that weird mansion we don't know anything about, or the forest full of friendly faces figuring they fulfilled their frigid fridge?”
“So many fff, I don't know! But it's probably as you say!”

[] Go to that weird red mansion who's probably not the SDM.
-[] Knock at the front door.
-[] Sneak your way in.
[] Go back to the forest. Try to find where you came from.
-[] Use the Thief way.
-[] Use the Predator way.
[X] Go to that weird red mansion who's probably not the SDM.
-[X] Knock at the front door.
--[X] Have your minion go first.
[x] Go to that weird red mansion who's probably not the SDM.
-[x] Knock at the front door.

I had a Wait what moment while reading this haha.
[X] Go to that weird red mansion who's probably not the SDM.
-[X] Knock at the front door.

Honest hearts, don't want to be murdered, etc.
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[x] Go to that weird red mansion who's probably not the SDM.
-[x] Knock at the front door.

“So what's the plan?”
I try to sounds NOT ironic, but I guess I failed.
“Well, I was thinking we could see if there's someone living here! I mean, we're lost and we don't have any food! The situation can't get worse!”
“Ding-a-ling! Do you hear that? That's the song of your doom coming near. Do you have matches?”
Unable to understand my tip-top class epic humour, she ignores me, and start walking to the mansion. While talking to herself.
“Wonder what kind of mansion it is. I wonder who's living here. Probably a powerful youkai. Or a very powerful human. I wonder if he's in Lady Akyuu's chronicles. I wonder what kind of human would live here.”
Me thinks that the thing living here is probably not human. But hey, trying to reason that girl is like speaking ethic and the Geneva Convention with an yankee G.I.. She won't understand anything, just nodding silently.
“Well, I think-”
“Let's go!”
I'm going to beat you down, and I'm going to freaking enjoy every second, until you're again crying and begging for mercy, you... too innocent girl.

Slowly walking, I silently follow that hyperactive girl, wondering how a village like the one I saw could make girls like that one. She's not ugly, no, in fact she's rather attractive, but... what's the good word? Ah, yes. She's 'nuts'. She knows that youkais must be avoided, but she can't comprehend the notion of 'dangerous area'. For her, every place is a friendly place, until she finds an youkai. Then, she usually panics, and screams in fear, attracting everything else. She's a screamer. Uh. A screamer.
“Ha ha ha...”
She's a left 4 dead cut special infected.
“You! Stop right where you are! That is an order!”
“What! Who talked? Is that you?”
“No! I though that was you, Badger?”
“So you're implying that my voice sounds like a woman's. I'm not going to forget that.”
“So who talked anyway?”
“It's me!”
“Who said that?”
“Me! Right in front of you!”
“I can't see shit. Nice to remind me that.”
There's someone else. I don't know her, but I know that she sounds very aggressive.
“So who are you, Unknown Girl?”
“My name is Elly, and I'm the Mugenkan's Guardian.”
“Nice to metcha girl. I'm Badger. And this is...”
The village girl quickly mumbles her name, while I listen in shock. I mean, come on! It's HER! Just... when am I am? Seriously? When is this happening? Now that's just weird.
“What are you doing here exactly? State your business.”
“We're kind of lost right now.”
“We're lost.”
He girl -Elly- stays silent for a moment, before explaining shit:
“Truth to be told, I knew it. You can't reach Mugenkan if you're looking for it. You have to be either lost, either following someone else.”
“Why would you even ask if you know?”
She's silent now.
“What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?”
“No. Matter is, as I said before, you can't reach Mugenkan on purpose-”
“I think you're overthinking it. We just walked through that weird forest, and up we go. Right?”
“Badger's kind of right about that!”
“What the hell? Only 'kind of'?”
“We just got lost in that weird forest, got hunted down by a scary monster, and that's all! No tricks!”
“See? She's saying the same.”
“Even like that, if you appeared here, there's a reason. There's always a reason.”
“Do you believe in fate, uh, Ellis? Elly?”
“I do, Bugger. Badger. Whoever you are. If you are here right now, there's a reason.”
“There is one, yeah. We. Are. Lost.”
I'm getting angry after that stubborn woman.
“Don't take that tone with me, young man.”
“Last girl who called me young man was my teacher. Are my teacher?”
“No, but I'm-”
“TUT, not interested. We're leaving. Come with me.”
“Wait wait wait, Badger!”
he girl leans on me, whispering in my ear, while Elly politely waits.
“If we can get informations on that place, Lady Akyuu will be pleased if we can get informations on people that the Hakurei hasn't defeat yet.”
“Okay, I'll admit, that's unusually clever from you. And I though you were the clueless type.”
“I learn fast.”
“Still, that idea you had to try and talk with that youkai several days ago...”
“Okay, okay! I don't learn as fast as I should!”
“So, what's your plan, clever girl?”
“You...you mean I'm in charge?”
“I'm too tired to drive a bargain. You do it, you have the socials skills.”
“All right then! I won't disappoint you!”
I'm sure you won't. But I keep that for myself. Overconfidence is the enemy.
“So, Elly! How's your life?”
“Excuse me?!”
“Your life as the Mugenkan's keeper? It must some very precious place, right?”
“Well, yeah, it is! And it's an honour to be trusted with the duty to keep that place!”
“So, since it's a precious place, it must be full of precious objects, right?”
“Well, yeah, but what's your point?”
“I'm just asking!”
Meanwhile, I relax, rub my neck, and listen to the verbal exchange between the gatekeeper and the innocent and clueless girl. Poor Elly. She does not know who she's talking to. That girl can keep you in the conversation for many hours.
“But if you're the gatekeeper, it means that someone else must be in charge of the mansion, right?”
“Well, yeah.”
I slowly sneak behind Elly, walking my way in the mansion. I blink at her, silently thanking her for her sacrifice. She probably won't be able to speak for a while after that. But as long as she speaks, Elly will be busy here, and won't chase after me.

Now that I'm close enough, I can see that mansion clearly. It's not build in scarlet bricks like the SDM. Instead of that, it's more like... the mansion is made from a single stone. Like, they took a red stone, and carved the mansion in.
Pushing the main door, I enter.
(Totally not threatening background: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0aKOqvcKbI )
Wow, that's pretty! Well, as far as I can tell with my eyes. Short-sighed, you see? 'Myope', as we say.
The entrance hall is pretty dark, with only a few lights, spread all over the walls. With my inefficient eyes, it first looked like I was in a totally different place, but now that I think about it, I don't remember seeing any windows from the outside.
I can barely see a double staircase, probably leading to the first floor. Or the second if you're american. My dictionary tells me that, for american, ground floor and first floor is the same. Silly american. Silly me, being in that mansion. I must be crazy.

[] Take a light, and explore the ground floor. Be careful of any grue.
[] Take a light, and visit the first floor. Be careful of any grue.

I'm obviously using horror clichés. Or portrayals. Not sure. Hey, I wonder if something is going to happen?
[x] Take no light, go on the ground floor.

Be a man.
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You have walked into the slavering fangs of a lurking grue! Your last words are: "I'm going to make a VN about that-"

You are dead.
[X] Take a light, and explore the ground floor. Be sure to do so with reckless abandon.

We must be swift as the coursing river.
Well fuck. I guess not taking a light was a bad thing huh?

... Nope. Death is a good end too.

changing vote to
[x] Take a light, and explore the ground floor. Be careful of any grue.
That's not really a bad end, but I wanted to avoid the dull "write-in rejected".
Reasons: main character played Amnesia a lot, and is completely short-sighed. He'll never walk around without a light, especially in a creepy mansion, inhabited by ---SPOILER ALERT---.
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Truth is, I don't know what to do with that story.
It was supposed to be a self-insert story at first, but I kind of forgot it.
So I'm probably going to end this story in the next update, unless I have a good idea coming out of freaking nowhere.
File 132044513986.jpg - (14.31KB, 300x277 , viva!.jpg) [iqdb]

Maybe...Ummm...When in doubt, REVOLUTION!
Is this the author?

Anyway, just a hint, go for the same thing that the author of Friction About Groud did: let us suddenly find out some sort of interesting and intiguing stuff about our/your past that is about to catch back up to us and be the lynchpin on that the story will be hung up on.

Or... Alice did something stupid because we talked to her (and changed her mind on some matters) and half of Gensokyo is already a smoking crater, with the blastwave racing towards Mugenkan. Or one of the occupants of Makai is displeased with the new disposition of Shinki and stirs up shit.

Or, hell, next time we lie down into a bed, in the middle of the night, suddenly assassin. Then we have to find out who is out for our blood.

Just a few pointers. Expand and change at wish.
>go for the same thing that the author of Friction About Ground did
I find this funnier than I probably should.
>FAG is written by ddyk
>MAKAI is written by ddyk
How did you not notice this?



It's called a joke.
Worst goddamn joke ever.
I get that a lot.
After all I'm Anonymous~!
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[x] Take a light, and explore the ground floor. Be careful of any grue.

There many things I hate. I hate being complimented. I hate being criticized. I hate being disturbed. I hate stairs. I hate puppies.
But the thing I hate most if when things aren't going as planned.

For example, let's say something silly. If I wanted to sneak in a dangerous mansion, while my “friend” is keeping the guard busy, it would be perfect, right? Unfortunately, it seems that Elly is smart. I hate when people are smarter than I expected. Long story short, thirty seconds after I started exploring the ground floor, the main door was brutally opened in a huge noise, and Elly was here, screaming about rats sneaking in.
Well, either it was Elly, either another blond girl stripped her naked and took her clothes. Can't see shit without glasses. Anyway, I couldn't waste time, and I quickly went in the closest room. After that, I kind of forgot, but I remember that I ran for a long time, hearing her destroying the doors after me.
Look like she was dumb anyway. Destroying door instead of happening them? Uh. Pathetic. What is she? Some monster from Amnesia? Bitch, I finished Metroid Prime in hard mode, Dark Samus is my fucking doormat, and the Hive Mind is my personal hamster. If there's any possible way to destroy you, I'll find it. I'm pretty good at this game, you know? But first, I need to draw a mental map of that place. So far, I'm going from one room to another, with Elly right behind me.
Hearing a loud whistling, I quickly close the door behind me. Just in time, as a huge... scythe thing tears the door into pieces. She doesn't want to kick me out, she wants to fucking kill me. Bitch.
Yeah, I know. I'm trespassing, while she's trying to do her job. But even my buddy Keith does not kill trespassers. He just kick them out or call the police. Thinking about that, I doubt that there's any youkai police. Because police means authority. And authority means ass-kicking. And I highly doubt there's any youkai wise enough to create some complicated system to deal with troublesome individuals. Like Elly, for example.

Thinking about that, why am I even running away? Can't I just greet her normally? What's the worst possibility?
Opening my arms, I greet her wonderfully. Not even slowing, her scythe cuts me in half, causing my torso to be thrown against the wall while my legs are slowly falling on the ground. The screen fades to red, displaying 'GAME OVER' in red. After a while, I hear Heavy Weapon Guy saying “You are dead. Not big surprise!”

For some reason, I have to desire to slow down. I'm not really the athletic guy. I fancy myself as being more a mind person than a body person. But I also know something interesting. Usually, your body is not really used. You're, like, in a “stand by” mode. The only way to really tire yourself is either by working yourself out for a long time, or being pushed by that incredible thing called adrenalin. I heard that usually, you're only using twenty percent of your body's strength. With adrenalin, it's more like cent percent. Explains why you're so tired after it. I also heard the same thing about the brain, but apparently it's bullshit. Brain is always working.
Where am I going with that strange reasoning? To the fact that a really smart, handsome, and perfect individual as myself, when having his ass kicked by adrenalin, is able to leave an youkai behind. Where's the trouble then? Trouble is, I'm getting tired. Elly is still on my feet, not leaving me a single moment to catch my breath.
“Si j'avais su, j'aurais pas venu.” Pretty sure nobody is going to understand that one. Throwing the door in her face, I manage to stun her. While she's getting back to her senses, I quickly block the door with a bench took totally randomly from somewhere, and I leave her behind me, as I quickly walk away. I'm everything but confident. After all, I'm lost, in an unknown place, with an retarded angry youkai nerd, and I have no idea what I'm going to do.
Looking for the exit would be nice. Maybe.
Hey, it's right there! I'm totally lost, but I'm still pretty thing as identifying where I came from! In short, I just walked around in circle? That's retarded, even by my standards. By, hey, I'm usually writing fanfictions for people I don't know, and I like to call myself insane. I don't have standards. Maybe. Whatever! I don't like being Alone in the Dark, so I'm just going to open that damn door, grab my dearest and lovely assistant, and get the hell out of there.

I run, grab the handles, and open WIDE! And turn insane.
In front of me, I should see a peaceful landscape, with green hill zone, pine forest, and my dearest assistant waiting for me with her prettiest smile. Instead of that, I see something that just... doesn't make sense. I'm not trying to pull any lovecraft shit on you, like 'I can't understand that geometry'. It's just that... I'm a gamer. Everything starts with a background. A rectangle is the world. It 's the background. No games can scare me, because I understand how the games works. Everything must abides by the rules. Planets are round, and the Earth turns around the Sun. That's just fucking common sense. I know that common sense isn't supposed to exist in Gensokyo, but am I even in Gensokyo? I doubt it.
I like to think that I'm a very sane person. I tend to overreact over simple matters. First time I played Resident Evil 2, I was deeply shocked and had nightmares for 2 weeks. But in the end, I managed to recover. I don't know how people reacts to shocking events, but I noticed that even minor things can breaks me very easily. But only for a limited time.
One time, in college, I had a little nervous breakdown, and I almost cut my finger with a pair of pruning shears. Five minutes later, I was smiling and happy. Recovered very quickly. Wathcing “Koishi's Heart Throbbing Adventures” made me feels weird for 3 hours. After reading them, I, for some reason, wanted to kill someone with a pickaxe. So, you understand that I overreact very easily, but that I also recover very easily.

However, I think it's going to be very difficult to recover from that. The fact that I can barely think is enough to prove that I'm deeply shocked.
“It will makes things simpler.” I register Elly's voice coming from behind me, but I'm petrified. Still trying to make sense from that mess I'm witnessing right now. “Oh, right. You can't understand. I told you, did I? Mugenkan is between reality and dreams. What you're witnessing right now is pure dreams. And you're just a human.”
I feel her hands on my shoulders. I can't talk. Just making sounds.
“Have a nice day. Don't come back.”
With those last words, she shoves me. Just before falling, I can distinctly see a dark thing moving toward the red mansion. And then, I crash in some kind of dream bubble, and everything changes.

I'm in a sunflower field. Standing still. I look around. Everything is still blurry. I don't have my glasses. Awful thing. I hear a huge noise behind me. I look. There's a charred big cube, with hearts on it. And then the bubble explodes as the sleeper wakes up.
Is this the real life? Or is this just fantasy? Caught in a landscape. No escape from reality dreamland. That's it. I finally understand. Each bubble is a dream. Going in a bubble is going in someone's dream. Inception. That's it. This is an inception. For real. Except that I never saw the movie. And now it's too late.
I quickly lose track of time, as I'm jumping from one dream to another, trying to find some logic. I can't be the only living being here. Well, my headache and temporary mental confusion disappeared. Because this world is making sense, in the end. If it's making sense, it's all right. If I can understand it, I don't have to be afraid. If I know HOW and WHY it works, it's okay.
Her. Is she here? I'm an engineer, in a space suit. Facing a huge alien worm. I have to find her.
I have to make sure my dearest assistant isn't in this crazy world. My name is unreadable, and I am the King in Yellow.
Those dreams are slowly making me crazy. Or maybe not. Hard to remember who I am when I'm so many people at once. Where is he?
HERE! I can see her! She's sitting in a dream, cackling and giggling. Her hair turned red. Her sanity is shattered. Her personality is gone.
“I'm sorry, Marisa.”
I should have known from the beginning. That curious and hyperactive girl was someone I knew. Well, 'knew', figure of speech. I don't really understand how it's possible, but I know that, for a limited time, there was 2 'Marisa Kirisame' in Gensokyo. The first one was a magician, living in the forest. The other was a cute, innocent, talkative and hyperactive girl with next to no common sense.
“He he he he he...”
If I could touch her, I would. But I can't. Not in this dream.
“What happened to you?”
It's all about sanity. We are human. We're not supposed to be here. Because we are human, we are trying to rationalize everything. And sometimes, we can't. Sometimes, I can't. And it makes me crazy. I can't understand something? I start laughing. And I end up shrugging and smiling, baring my teeth like some wild beast.
I place my hands on her neck. I can't touch her. But I touch her anyway. Why? Because that dream isn't making sense. Nothing makes sense. The Sun being immobile? The Earth turning around the Sun? What are these? Is the Sun even existing? Are we really alive? Is that reality that we're seeing right now?
“Hey Alonzo! You do know what a mercy kill is, rightyo?”
I start squeezing. I'm sorry, Marisa. Coming here was a mistake. Dying is a benediction.
She makes some funny throat noises, like someone choking on his own tongue. Hey, do you know you CAN'T swallow your tongue? Hey, why am I smiling? Am I turning crazy? Perhaps I should leave this dream until I feel better? But how am I going to take care of Marisa if I lose sight of her?
The sleeper wakes up. The dream explodes, throwing me in the air, while Marisa is thrown against the ground. Well, what's supposed to be the ground.

Another dream. I'm a dragon, taking human form to learn martial arts. When the sleeper finally wakes up, I can't find Marisa any more. She's gone.
Did someone took her? Did Mima did? Are dreams beyond time? I hope so. Because it would explain the whole thing. Mima comes to the dream land, find crazy Marisa, take her as a disciple, and go back in time.
I hope it's that. I don't wanna have to search her any more. I don't want to care for anyone else than myself. Please. Let me be egotist. That world makes sense, but those dreams are not. I can stay sane as long as I'm in the dream world, but once I enter in one of those bubbles dreams, I feel like my very own identity is slashed and hacked.

[] Find some cheese.
[] Find some wine.

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I could easily fills a whole thread with how I'm currently frustrated with the fact that it's hard for me to write right now (steam, ideas, yadda, yadda), but instead of that, I'll make it short and rage about how I managed to forgot the name.
And since I'm in a "1 picture = Over 9000 words", I'm just going to leave that picture here.
[x] Find some wine.

I like my women fine. Fine... like wine. So that's why I locked them in the cellar for twenty years!
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From another fanfiction:
>“One of the scariest things in the universe, [...] They are ill-conceived monstrosities that lack solid emotions and are far too skilled at any number of traits, whether it flies in the face of the laws of space and time or not. They are too perfect or too imperfect, with a complete disregard for reality as we understand it, serving only to fulfill the ridiculous fantasies of their creator. [...] …We are dealing…with a self-insert.”
File 132101093923.jpg - (299.49KB, 800x470 , topic-closed-scorpion.jpg) [iqdb]
And then I woke up.

The end.
What is going on?
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[x] Find some wine.

“We're knights of the Round Table, we dance whene'er we're able. We do routines and chorus scenes with footwork impec-cable, We dine well here in Camelot, we eat ham and jam and spam a lot. We're knights of the Round Table, our shows are for-mi-dable. But many times we're given rhymes that are quite un-sing-able, We're opera mad in Camelot, we sing from the diaphragm a lot.”
Sitting in the main chair, drinking some wine, I smile wile witnessing the very strange show that the werewolves are giving. Dancing and dining on the furnitures, they manage to make me forget the most worrying thing.
Well, until Death sneak on me and whispers in my ear:
“Lord Dracula, Belmont is getting close.”
“Try to stop him. Meanwhile, I'll dismiss the party.”
“Yes, my lord and friend.”
Finishing my cup, I throw it on the floor. It bounces loudly, interrupting the dancing werwolves.
“M-my lord? Something wrong?”
“Belmont is coming. Dismiss.”
Left alone in the room, I sit down, and take another cup. Hell, if Belmont is coming, I'll better be drunk.
While I'm appreciating the good wine, I hear a loud crash, and I see Death being thrown through the main gate.
“DRACULA!” Ah, here's Belmont. “YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE ME!”
And with that, the dream breaks, leaving me totally confused. But, somehow, I knew that, somewhere, someone was silently cursing his daughter's favourite TV show. Poor guy.

It's been weeks, or maybe months since I arrived in that weird world. No sky, red ground, and billions of floating bubbles, looking like soap bubbles. Weird world alright. Don't think too much about it, I'm pretty sure that doesn't make sense.

Like, for example, right now, I woke up. But I wasn't sleeping. So I can't really say I was waking up. And yet, confusion, dizzy head... I was sleeping. But I wasn't. It was a schrödinger's night.
“Putain de bordel de merde de chiottes.”
Greeting the familiar ceiling with a smile, I jump to my feet. Mainly because I don't know any other way to write that. “Rise from my bed”? Urgh, sounds awful. I'll keep the “jump to my feet”, because that sounds AWESOME.
The bell. That goddamn cock sucking bell. Who the hell is using the bell nowadays anyway?
Only a friendly fiendish fishing faggot could do such a thing.

I open the main door with a scream similar to Hokuto no Ken, but less awesome. More like Saxton Hale than Ken, in fact. There's nobody. It was a godamn prank.
“Hin-in. Screw that, I'm going back to sleep.”
Caps lock out of fucking nowhere! Just HOW AWESOME are caps lock? I dunno. But that guy I'm having an argument with said that they were awful. Screw him, he's probably Irish. And poor. With no hats. What a combo.

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Okay, so why am I dropping this story?
I have many reasons.

First, the story was a challenge. In other words, I don't have any good plot, and I never managed to come up with one.
Second, I recently read a bad self-insert story, and that kind of ruined my confidence into writing a 'good' self-insert story.
Third, I don't like writing this story. And IRC told me when I started writing that I'm supposed to write for myself, not for my reader(s?).
Fourth, I recently re-read that story, and I think that talking about my psychological problem is not making the story interesting. After all, there's enough crazy people around without me adding some fuel to the fire (not sure if that expression translates well).
Fifth, I think that a writer must like his character, or his story. I hate both the main character, and the story here.

On the good side, I learned a bit more about making the protagonist foreigner, so that should help me writing "Successful Eviction of Xu fu". On the bad side, this is, like, the fourth story I'm dropping, and I don't like this. I shoulda finished it earlier. I'll ask Cthulhu if he can remove that from his website archives, or whatever the hell is it.

Thank you for reading this, and for reading this far. I coulda made that into a decent story if I used Mai as the main character, and the self-inserted Ember as some side character.
No need to feel bad: I thought the story was supposed to be more a joke one instead of SUPER SRS myself; and I (technically) issued the challenge.

But you should have ended the story with a 360 no-scope backstab from a spy.
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And then I looked down, and I saw her.
She looked like a cute little girl, with white hair.
"What are you doing here, Shinki?"
She answered in a cute little voice:
"I decided to follow your advice, and to live a normal life!"
And that's when I got a headache.

"Shinki, dear, I appreciate the idea, but before everything, I must confess something."
"What is it?"
I slowly remove the paper mask covering my face.
"I was a Spy all along." And, with a nie smile, I ask: "Veux-tu un peu de vin, mon petit choux-fleur?"
While I'm still in this thread, I want to add that "Friction About Ground" was intended to be a comical story.
I just can't make a 'silly' story, I have to be serious sometimes, or else I get bored.

Isn't it sad?

Actually, it isn't.

Keep on trucking bro, you earned some respect here.
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I was bored, so I made this. Wasn't part of Aya's talk-show, and I don't want to have 50 shorts thread, so I post it here. Because it's a self-insert.

“Zu'u lost daal.”
Don't panic.
Sure, I'm in Gensokyo AGAIN, for no real reason, sure, I'm in the Scarlet Devil Mansion, for no real reason, sure, I'm facing a goddamn dragon, for no real reason, but I sincerely hope there's one.
There's always a reason for everything. Otherwise I wouldn't be fighting against order. But check the situation from my point of view. I woke up in a room that's not mine, I could see a storm raging through the window, and now I'm staring at a dragon, in the eyes.
I'm pretty sure there's a logical and good explanation for all that crap. Like, I dunno, something like “LOL YUKARI DID IT!!1!”. Or something like “we were having a monster party and we needed a troll, so here you are”. A good reason.
Point is: you're facing a dragon right now. Probably a female. Probably a Chinese dragon too. After all, it's her year. But point is, I hate dragons. You could say that's all Tolkien's fault, but I still hate them.
And that dragon is very dragon-like. It's HUGE. It's FULL OF SCALES. It looks ANGRY.
“My god. It's full of scales!”
"Zu'u lost daal."
It repeats that again. What does that mean? Probably something like “Hello, good sir. It appears that I ran out of Earl Grey, and it would be absolutely amazing if you were to provide me with some.” I hope it's not “Open that window so I can eat you. Rawr~”
Yeah, I really hope that's not that. I hate being eaten. Well, it never happened to me, but I don't have to test it to know that I don't like being eaten. It's like being stabbed. Nobody likes being stabbed. I'm fairly and pretty sure that even masochists don't like being stabbed.
But the main point is that there's a dragon facing me right now. I should probably scream something. Like 'holy carp'! Or maybe even...
“Holy batman breast!”
Okay, that was horrible. Even by my wicked and twisted standards.
“That's the first time I hear this one.”
I jump when that voice comes from nowhere. Well, I jump... Let's say I'm startled. So I jump. A little. Just a little. Oh, and about nowhere... it was an artistic interpretation of 'behind me'.
And another horrible scream to add to the first one.
I quickly and gracefully execute a graceful move called “180° backside from the front to the behind with double imaginary backflip”, and I only manage to kiss Mister Wall. With my forehead.
It goes 'BONK'! I go 'ouch'. The mysterious voice goes 'we have a winner here'. The dragon goes 'Ha! Ha! Ha!”
“Are you alright?”
I manage to give that educated and nice answer, while making an interesting reference to a star wars fanfiction. Unfortunately, it appears that the mysterious voice does not master the subtle language of the 'I fucking bumped my head and it fucking hurts' man.
“I take that as a yes. Meiling, I'm happy to see you're back from the Eientei, but would you avoid scaring our guests? Thank you.”
“Fen du hin sille ko Hakugyokorou.”
Answers the dragon. I don't know what it means, but it's probably not 'I love you too'.
“We already talked about that Meiling. You can't.”
“Hin kah fen kos bonaar.”
With that being said, the dragon finally leaves, leaving me alone with that mysterious voice, while I'm half-stunned.
“Greetings to the Scarlet Devil Mansion, Mister...?”
After 2 minutes spent in total silence, I understand.
“Right. Call me... I don't know yet, let me find a good nickname. Hey, call me Melchior. He was the one with the gold, that sounds good.”
I answer, while rubbing my forehead. I'm usually not drinking, so how did I ended up here?
“All right, Melchior. Let me explain the situation. The Mistress organized a dinner, and you are Lady Yakumo's guest.”
The pain is gone. I can finally look at that woman.
How, what a twist. A maid.
“Sounds like a idiot's dinner.”
“... Excuse me?”
“Custom in my country. Each person bring a moron, so that everyone can make fun of him. The worst is crowned at the end of the dinner.”
“Haa, you already figured it out. Too bad. Will you be present?”
“Sounds like fun. I'll be here.”
“Thank you.”
With that being said, the divine creatures with the perfect legs disappears.
I want to say that I'd fuck that woman, but that would be rude.

Wait, I was invited for an idiot's dinner? That's FUCKING RUDE!

I enter in the main room.
Too many people here. I want to take a machine gun and shoots everything. But I can't. Mostly because I don't have a machine gun, and also because it's kind of illegal.
Funny thing, the inhuman guests are mixed, while the 'idiots' are in a separated group. Look like each person wants to keep an eye on its 'idiot'. By that logic, if Yukari is really the one who brought me here, she must be somewhere.
I look around, but see nobody looking like her. Well, actually, there are several blonde girls, but nobody looking like a devious, unstable, unpredictable and malevolent female version of Sheoggorath.
Maybe I should look for a nice, stable, predictable, benevolent and female version of Sheoggorath? Why do I even bother about Sheoggorath anyway? Why am I even thinking about him right now?
And why do I keep thinking about Cyriak's sheep?
That sheep will haunt me until I die.
No, I must focus. That's so like me, I start thinking about something, and then I end up thinking about how fast can an african sparrow carry a coconuts from Dustbowl to Phobos. Anyway, since I'm here, I guess I should talk a little with the guests.
I say, while trying to imitate an english accent. Let's just say I failed pathetically in an epic way, and let's move on.
“Oh hi!”
Answers something. A fat youngster with a ridiculous hat. I hate him.
“Hi. My name is Melchior.”
“Really? Then I am Artaban.”
That obscure reference...
“Wow. You, sir, are a gentleman and a scholar.”
-Melchior has joined the channel #PurpleParty
<Melchior>holy fuck
<Melchior>head like a fucking wood log
-Melchior has placed RavidDog on his ignore list.
<Melchior>not in the mood for dogs
<Artaban>sup melchior
<Artaban>nice job yesterday
<Melchior>was wasted
<Melchior>what did I do?
<%PurpleQueen>Oh, you don't remember?
<Melchior>Not a fucking clue
<Artaban>if you ask me, that's for the best
<Melchior>what the fuck do you mean?
<Artaban>it was kinda chaotic yesterday
<Artaban>what do you remember?
<Melchior>that guy screaming at satori
<Artaban>oh boy
<Artaban>no wonder you don't remember
<Melchior>cut the crap and tell me already
<Artaban>that guy keep screaming at satori
<Artaban>but her cat spanned, and punched him in the face
<Melchior>oh dear
<Artaban>but that's not the worse
<Melchior>what now
<Artaban>there's that other guy who arrived, and began to punch the cat girl
<Artaban>and after that, everything went downhill
<Melchior>taking a fucking medicine thing
<%PurpleQueen> May I suggest vinegar with some sugar?
<Artaban>so after that, it turned into a battle between the guests and the hosts
<Artaban>you really don't remember
<%PurpleQueen>Even the part where you jumped on the dining table, and started swinging a chair as if it was a guitar?
<Melchior>oh fuck
<Artaban>so we thrown a few table on the floor
<Artaban>as a barricade
<Artaban>but they went angry after that
<Artaban>and began using their powers to vaporize the barricade
<Melchior>sounds like serious trouble
<Melchior>and after that?
<Artaban>you really don't remember
<Melchior>not at all
<Artaban>you charged them!
<Artaban>you grabbed a chair
<Artaban>and you went screaming something
<%PurpleQueen>You screamed very exactly "Cruo Stragada Na Malactose".
<Melchior>OH CRAP
<Artaban>and you started hitting them with your chair
<%PurpleQueen>While screaming very exactly "Crudux Cruo".
<Melchior>holy batman breast
<Melchior>i should be dead by now
<Artaban>we all charged after that
<Artaban>it was funny
<Artaban>I remember kicking a kappa in the mouth
<Melchior>"kicking a kappa"
<Melchior>there's potential for a nice pun
<Artaban>the party died after that
<Artaban>it became a giant mess
<Artaban>with people punching each other
-PurpleQueen is now know as Girl-
-Indigo has joined the channel #PurpleParty-
-Border has placed +% on Indigo-
<%Indigo>Did you saw Lady Yukari?
<%Girl>We saw nobody.
<%Indigo>Nice try my Lady.
<%Indigo>Time to eat.
-Indigo has left the channel #PurpleParty-
-Border has removed +% on Indigo-
<%Girl>Fun is prohibited from now on, hu?
<%Girl>She'll be on my back for a while now.
<Artaban>I know that feel, sis.
-Girl has banned Artaban (Don't call me Sis).
-Girl has left the channel #PurpleParty-
-Border has removed +% on Girl-
<Melchior>hooray, alone again
<Melchior>that huge channel just for me!
<Melchior>has anyone really been as far as decided to use even go want to do look more like
<Melchior>|=R1Ct10|\\| 480ut gr0u|\\|d 15 41|\\/|05t 0\\/3r.
<Melchior>l33t speak is overly complicated
-Melchior has left the channel #PurpleParty-
Note to myself: giving speech quirks is a very good way to make things easier for the readers.

Thread Watcher x