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184281 2015/04/03 (Fri) 08:43 No. 184281
Most tales start and end with a hero, a figure of power and drive throughout a story. But this is not one of those tales, this is a tale of Iko the dark Phoenix.

The day started off usual as Others for the past century. Wake up from my slumber, go to the nearby village and collect offerings, display some show of power then go back to my sleep. However as of late my senses have been noticing a rather strange aura approaching my village. I cannot say exactly what it is but I can say it is most definitely not friendly. Deciding to avoid casualties I fly out towards the target backed on wings of darkness.

Oh right you probably expected a typical Phoenix right? Well I am not, you see once in every worlds lifetime there is a rare occurrence where during the solar eclipse a Phoenix is borne. Unlike most births however this is tainted by the atmosphere of the event and instead of the normal mythological Phoenix of fire and gold that looks as unto the sun. The opposite can be said for this dark Phoenix. Their body is a mass of black and purple the colors of twilight. Where there would normally be fire is instead shadow flame the most powerful source of energy. It can not only sear the flesh of a foe but also their soul, and in some extreme cases destroy immortality. However there is a downside to a Phoenix born like this, there morality is that of their own. They can have varying beliefs and outlooks and some count it a blessing I do not use my power for darkness.

As I glide silently over the trees almost invisible under the darkness of the new moon. I can see my target in sight, a rather alarming case as it is a foe much more dangerous than I am used too. She seems to carry with her the aura of one who has seen much but who has also seen past her primal instincts.

Deciding a slightly better approach than combat, I morph into my slightly more approachable raven form, rather than my overpowering true form. As I glide silently over I decide to land on her parasol and caw at her a questionable attitude if she will.

"Oh dear, what have we hear?" She giggles and brings her parasol to rest with me atop it. My form that of a raven, but still even that is an understatement my figure almost twice as large, talons twice as sharp, perfect plumage and an occasional droplet of shadow flame to leave my wing and grace the earth to its presence. "I wonder what a majestic creature is doing so close to human civilization i thought your kind extinct? No matter I will offer you a rather interesting choice. Wether you accept or not is up to you but I suggest you do accept this offer. Your little paradise will only last so long..." Again she laughs that mischievous laugh, but this time it sounds more like a warning than that of amusement. "The choice I offer you is simple, come with me to the creation of paradise, or stay here and wither away in a world where your existence will amount to nothing."

However much I may not believe her myself I do know she has a point. The faith I have gathered from this town is only so much and it has been degrading over the years. Giving a sigh I speak my acceptance to her request. "Very well women. I accept your request but I only ask in return I have a place where I may store my strength in slumber until the land of paradise has enough faith to accept my presence."

She nods and says, "Very well then follow me to paradise..." She gives me another strange smile before opening a rift filled with eyes and stepping through with me into it.


Choose your place of reawakening.

[] The giant mountain. The native bird folk have been growing restless with the arrival of the new gods and perhaps a being of equal power can put them in their place.

[] Near the human village. With the newcomers to Gensokyo this land of paradise the humans could use someone to boost their faith in the supernatural and not become feared of it.

[] The Scarlet Red Mansion.It was rather rude to bring an entire mansion near your site of slumber but the forces inside may prove worthy assets.

[] The Bamboo Forest.This place defies the natural workings of the universe, and I feel it is my duty to explore this place thoroughly.

-----------------------------------
Hello everybody! Wanna be, writefag long time lurker here. I have been tossing the idea around of making a story in Gensokyo as a creature of legend more and more and decided on this. The character knows the very basics of Gensokyo since it was created in the PC-98 era but he lacks the modern knowledge of today. So he does not know of the people in these locations or what they entail. He also has the ability to create his own spellcards which will come in handy later but he has not made any now as he was not inclined too back in the old days of Gensokyo. So if you have a card idea in mind type about it! Anyway hope you all enjoyed the prologue and next update should be within the week.

2015/04/03 (Fri) 09:22 No. 184282
I want to ask a question before I tear into this.

Is English your first language, or one you've been born to?
2015/04/03 (Fri) 10:13 No. 184283
I was born into it and fully expect to recieve criticism on this post. I was also typing this out on a not so cooperative laptop so my apologies for that. But please tear into the story by all means I can only get better. I also lacked proofreading on this attempt as I wished to get it out there. Better quality posts promised in the future.
2015/04/03 (Fri) 15:28 No. 184284
[x] The giant mountain. The native bird folk have been growing restless with the arrival of the new gods and perhaps a being of equal power can put them in their place.

CAW CAW
2015/04/03 (Fri) 18:25 No. 184285
[X] The Bamboo Forest.This place defies the natural workings of the universe, and I feel it is my duty to explore this place thoroughly.

Some small mistakes here and there. They should be easy to fix with a proofreader
2015/04/03 (Fri) 21:32 No. 184286
The Bamboo Forest.This place defies the natural workings of the universe, and I feel it is my duty to explore this place thoroughly.

I wonder how long it will be until Mokou shows up?
2015/04/04 (Sat) 00:44 No. 184287
[X] The giant mountain. The native bird folk have been growing restless with the arrival of the new gods and perhaps a being of equal power can put them in their place.
2015/04/04 (Sat) 03:52 No. 184288
Votes called and coin flipped decided bamboo forest.

Please wait in the shadow of twilight for next update
2015/04/04 (Sat) 06:35 No. 184290
In my list of criticisms, I'd have to list three solid points to start with. Word choice, subtlety, and overall grammar and sentence flow.

WORD CHOICE

>I fly out towards the target backed on wings of darkness.
>Where there would normally be fire is instead shadow flame the most powerful source of energy.
>As I glide silently over the trees almost invisible under the darkness of the new moon.
>and an occasional droplet of shadow flame to leave my wing and grace the earth to its presence.
Use "epic" sounding lines sparingly, or they become cheap and hilarious, or cringeworthy. You try so hard to give your words a sense of gravitas, or make them grandiose, but you shoot way past your intended mark.

>Oh right you probably expected a typical Phoenix right?
A prime example of word choice affecting the tone of a story. This line sounds exactly like two guys spitballing about a story. "Yeah, I think my MC is gonna be a Phoenix. Oh right you probably expected a typical Phoenix right? But no, my Phoenix is going to be a dark pheonix." What is this line doing in here when it doesn't fit with the rest of the text at all?


>where during the solar eclipse a Phoenix is borne.
"borne", being a past participal of the word "bear", is infact an entirely different word from just "born"

>Phoenix of fire and gold that looks as unto the sun.
Unto is an archaic way to say "to", "till", or "until", not "like" or "similar to"



SUBTLETY

>It can not only sear the flesh of a foe but also their soul, and in some extreme cases destroy immortality.
>However there is a downside to a Phoenix born like this, there morality is that of their own.
>Where there would normally be fire is instead shadow flame the most powerful source of energy.

These are two of the most egregious lines. In addition to trying to lend every sentence a sense of gravitas, you are also basically using these lines to show how cool and awesome your character is. The problem is that it's done in a completely lazy way, and is entirely front-loaded. Tell me, is that line about possibly destroying immortality in there for any other reason than to blatantly inform the reader that if Iko encountered one of Touhou's two immortals, he would still be a threat? And the line about there being a downside to the phoenix? Be real. That is not a REAL downside or character flaw. That is like being asked in a job interview what your biggest weakness is, and responding with "Well, sometimes I just do such a good job, that other people get let go!". It is a fake flaw, and entirely uninteresting. The final line is possibly the least subtle way to say your character is powerful ever.

These lines are lazy in contrast to some of your other lines that manage the sense of importance and weight without totally overbearing expressions or out-of-place words, like this one.
>"The choice I offer you is simple, come with me to the creation of paradise, or stay here and wither away in a world where your existence will amount to nothing."
Still a little overbearing, in my opinion, but much better than almost any of the sentences in the first half of the post.


GRAMMAR AND SENTENCE FLOW

>>184285 may say that there are minor errors. I disagree. On the topic of grammar I am woefully underequipped, but I can tell you that the errors are not minor, nor are they few. Here are a few examples.

> I cannot say exactly what it is but I can say it is most definitely not friendly.
Commas.

>Well I am not, you see-
"Well I am not" is its own sentence.

>you see once in every worlds lifetime there is a rare occurrence where during the solar eclipse a Phoenix is borne.
Commas. Apostrophes. Borne is the incorrect word.

>Unlike most births however this is tainted by the atmosphere of the event and instead of the normal mythological Phoenix of fire and gold that looks as unto the sun.
Never followed up on the "Unlike". Unto is the incorrect word.

>As I glide silently over the trees almost invisible under the darkness of the new moon.
Why is the "As" in there? It would be a complete sentence without it, and with it it is incomplete.

>"Oh dear, what have we hear?"
Incorrect hear, you were aiming for the homophone "here".

>I wonder what a majestic creature is doing so close to human civilization i thought your kind extinct?
Why is this not two sentences?

>Wether you accept or not is up to you
Whether.

>Very well women.
Woman, singular.

These are a few examples of errors that throw someone off when reading through a sentence, or make them stumble through it. The general lack of commas in certain sentences and the prevalence of run-ons makes it a clumsy read.

My advice would be to tone it down a few notches, and get a proofreader immediately.
2015/04/04 (Sat) 08:40 No. 184291
Thank you for the advice. Looking at it again I realize I did make some pretty stupid mistakes. I will most definitely tone down the grandiose feel to the character.

Also might I ask where it would be easy to find a proofreader? I know it seems like an easy question but the guy I do know is occupied with other things and can't help me as of late.
2015/04/04 (Sat) 08:45 No. 184292
>>184291
If you go onto the #THP IRC channel, which you can find through the homepage here, you can ask someone to proofread. It may take a few tries, but if you go on a few different times at different times of day, you're likely to find someone with the time to proof for you.
2015/04/06 (Mon) 03:36 No. 184296
You feel yourself flying fast, faster than you ever have before. Panic filling your entire mind as something is after you, and all you know is that you just need to run.

The scenery keeps changing as you fly on. The sky cycles between night and day and you keep soaring. How long have you been in flight? Heh, you don’t even know where you are. One thing is certain though… your flight has come to an end. The thing chasing you has been growing closer and now you can feel its breath on your feathers, closing in on you until finally you feel its cold tendrils wrap around your wings and bring your flight to a halt. Knowing this is the end, you give up on struggling and instead look into the eyes of death. Its face draws closer to you, and as it opens its hideous mouth to swallow your body and soul you hear its words.

“There is only so far to run... before even eternity dies…” and it laughs…

You awake with a start, feathers rustling and mind in a panic. Looking around wildly, you try and get your grasp back to reality. Taking deep breaths, you start to calm down as you realize you are still in your nest, having slept for what feels like centuries. Not everything seems right however, first and foremost being the fact that you are no longer in the Forest of Magic, but somewhere in what appears to be... a bamboo forest? This is a strange turn of events.

Shaking your head, you decide that it isn't the strangest thing to have happened and take to the skies to clear your mind of the nightmare. It has been rather odd as of late, as if something has been ripping at your deepest fears and thoughts, gnawing at your sanity.

You take great relief at the feeling of the air running through your feathers. A glance upwards reveals the midday sun shining brightly, and favorable weather is coming your way. A short time later you notice a stream protruding from the bamboo and dive down towards it.

Landing near said stream, you morph into your human form, to better assess your physical state, one quickly acknowledged as a total mess. You wash your hair in the stream and decide the fastest way of solving the rest of your uncleanliness is to burn it to ashes. Doing so you expertly weave the flame over your skin clearing away the grime that covers your pale complexion. Now one-hundred percent clean, albeit in a half-assed manner, you take a better look at yourself via your reflection in the water. For human standards this form is not the worst you can imagine Yukari could have gifted you. Built more like and elegant elf if anything, lithe and perfect complexion and your physical build almost flawless, save for the fact your muscles are, put politely, nonexistent. Your eyes are built like a hawk’s and just as sharp. Your hair, meanwhile, is black as midnight and styled in an intricate pattern of twin braids to halt its full length from hindering your movement. You decide that, for now, you should stay in your human form, as interacting with the natives as a bird is not the easiest thing to do with the, language barrier and all. You take another look at yourself and see that you are missing your clothes… again. A sigh escapes your lips as you think to yourself that one of these days you should invest in an outfit that can withstand all of your forms. Sighing, again, you head back to your nest to retrieve your outfit, a black gown with a pattern of the moon being surrounded by stars as they streak across the night sky. Satisfied with this new look, you spread your wings and fly over the forest to assess the situation.

Not much can be said about the bamboo forest, as it’s easy to see two key locations over the area and the rather robust amount of traps laid out for Moon knows what reason. The sites in question are both vastly different from each other. The first and most apparent is the Japanese styled mansion in the middle of the forest, while the other appears to be a quaint little food stand with picnic tables set up nearby. The mansion is ringing all sorts of bad alarms right now and since you are also feeling rather hungry, you decide to head for the stand.

Landing rather gracefully on the back on the back of your shadowy wings, you decide not to dismiss them, and instead fold them across your back, wrapping around you to further block the morning chill.

Scanning the clearing reveals no one is around the immediate area, and a sign is placed on the door in front of the establishment, (that serves as both a house and a stand upon closer inspection) that states to “knock for service.” Rather amused at what appears to be a lazy attempt for more sleep, you rap your knuckles on the wooden door and wait for a response.

“I’m coming, hold on,” says the woman from the inside rather groggily and with not so much enthusiasm (as you can hear her slump to the floor and quickly get dressed). What shows itself to you however is a woman wearing what appears to be red pants with an amulet pattern inscribed on them, along with a plain white shirt with overalls, and white hair that comes down to around her ankles with a white ribbon with a red outline to compliment her hair. Her physical appearance is nice in its own right, slender form but her shape shows that she has worked for everything she has done instead of using her charm or looks for it. This appearance does nothing to quell the fiery aura of a pure-blood phoenix, albeit at a rather dulled state given she seems to have just woken up. “So what do yo-” She stops mid sentence, noticing the raven-like wings attached to my back and an aura like hers radiating with a gentle presence instead of the overwhelming force in hers.

“Ah, I am sorry if I have awoken you earlier than to be expected, sister, but if the setting is correct I presume I should be able to eat here yes?” you ask her, not skipping a beat as she looks on in confusion and then seems to realize that she is, indeed, staring at you.

Having shaken her head to snap herself out of gawking, she says, “Yeah it is a food joint, but more importantly what the hell is another Phoenix doing in Gensokyo?” Her question filled with equal measure curiosity and confusion, and yet another question rising to her lips before she, painstakingly, holds it back and waits for Your response politely.

You simply chuckle and respond with,”I might ask you the same thing, young one. Why I was the first Phoenix in Gensokyo, after all, but I had fallen into a deep sleep to store my strength,” you state. “Now may I have food served here or not?” You finish the question with a smug smile on your face. The woman sighs and mumbles something under her breath about her elders abusing her youth, and this makes you smile as she moves to start her routine of meal cooking.

After a few minutes of silence as she finishes preparations for the meal and sets the meat out for you to eat, she starts up a conversation again by saying, “The name’s Mokou by the way, and what’s the deal with the whole ‘sister’ and ‘young one’ thing?”

Knowing that this would perhaps cause problems, you respond in a formal manner. “My name is Iko, and I see you are at least competent enough to notice another fire-bird among you. But the reason for my statements is that we are both pure-bloods although I sense I am a great deal older than you, making my responses accurate.” I respond to her questioning between bites as I devour my first meal in at least half a century. “My, this food is delicious, Mokou,” my eyes growing wide at its unique taste, “It’s a fine way to start eating again after how many years I have been sleeping.” I start chewing much slower as I let the flavor of the brunch food sink in. She seems taken aback by the sudden sincere statement, but quickly recovers her composure.

I continue eating in silence as she goes over to prepare food for herself.

There is something strange about this one but you do not see what it is…
[] Strike up another conversation with this pure-blood
-[] Ask her about your people and what has been going on.
-[] Ask her about what has transpired in Gensokyo since your slumber.
-[] Ask what she has been up to recently.
-[] “Why the boyish attire?”
-[] Question her about why it is so rare to see another Phoenix in Gensokyo, you two can’t be the only ones here. (More specific and in-depth answer to question 1)
-[] Ask about who lives in the Mansion over yonder.
-[] General Terrain information
-[] Obligatory write in for the crafty people.

[] Simply wait in silence and answer the questions she surely must have for you.
[] Finish the meal quickly, thanking her and then head off towards your favorite Shrine Maiden’s family.
[] Write in choice for wherever to go
2015/04/07 (Tue) 11:47 No. 184300
[] Strike up another conversation with this pure-blood
-[] Ask her about your people and what has been going on.
-[] Ask her about what has transpired in Gensokyo since your slumber.
-[] General Terrain information
2015/04/07 (Tue) 12:06 No. 184301
[X] Simply wait in silence and answer the questions she surely must have for you.
2015/04/07 (Tue) 19:55 No. 184302
[] Strike up another conversation with this pure-blood
-[] Ask her about what has transpired in Gensokyo since your slumber.
-[] Question her about why it is so rare to see another Phoenix in Gensokyo, you two can’t be the only ones here. (More specific and in-depth answer to question 1)
-[] Ask about who lives in the Mansion over yonder.
-[] General Terrain information
-[] "Now that my questions have been answered, I'm sure you have some of your own. Ask, sister."
2015/04/27 (Mon) 02:28 No. 184332
[X] Strike up another conversation with this pure-blood
-[X] Ask her about what has transpired in Gensokyo since your slumber.
-[X] Question her about why it is so rare to see another Phoenix in Gensokyo, you two can’t be the only ones here. (More specific and in-depth answer to question 1)
-[X] Ask about who lives in the Mansion over yonder.
-[X] General Terrain information
-[X] "Now that my questions have been answered, I'm sure you have some of your own. Ask, sister."