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174212 No. 174212
DISCLAIMER: This story is not going to replace my other story in any way. It's just a silly idea I had.


Sanae flew, literally, through the open doors of the Moriya shrine, hefting a heavy box in her arms. The front of it was mostly domed black glass, with two black dials on the side. The other sides were a sort of plastic faux-wood. When she touched down, the weight of the box nearly toppled her over onto her face.

The opening room of the shrine had all the quiet, subtle pomp one would expect: sticks of incense, flowers, and small but tasteful woodcarvings. Sanae carried the box to the other end of the room, waddling back and forth like a penguin under its weight.

"I'm back, lady Kanako." Sanae nudged the sliding door open with her feet, then turned around and bumped it the rest of the way open with her backside.

"Nice view," someone said with the pitch of a child and the humor of an old man.

Sanae turned around to see it was Suwako, goddess de jure of the shrine, but in actuality little more of a mooching placeholder. Her arms were stretched out and her chin was resting on the table, as if she'd just been woken up from a nap. Sanae rolled her eyes, far too used to Suwako's remarks.

"Ah, Sanae, perfect timing," came a smooth, much more mature-sounding voice. It was Kanako, the other, arguably more important deity of the shrine. Even dressed in an apron, standing over a stove watching a lidded pot, she managed to look incredibly impressive and god-like.

The back room looked remarkably like a modern dining room: bright paint on the walls, a boxy oven and stovetop, and a big low-seated wooden table taking up the center of the room.

"Ta-dah!" Sanae thumped the box onto the table, just missing Suwako's fingers.

"Whuzzat?" she asked without moving.

"It's a television," Sanae said. "You haven't heard? The whole village was scrambling to get their own shows on the air. It's like a popularity contest."

Suwako snickered. "Surprised that Kanako hasn't tried to get her own show."

Kanako suddenly opened her eyes wide. Apparently, she hadn't considered that.

"Anyway, we should power it up," Sanae chirped before Kanako could get too upset. She picked up the cord and instinctively scanned the walls at foot-height. She knelt down and found the lone outlet by the table. It was caked in a thick layer of dust bunnies and grease. Sanae scowled at it before wiping it away with her sleeve and popping the plug into the outlet.

She reeled back as the outlet lit up and let out a zap. Suwako stared wide-eyed at the television as it flickered to life. "So THAT'S what those holes were for," she says to herself.

"How old are these things anyway?" Sanae coughed, not out of any need but more out of spite at the outdated circuitry.

Kanako thought about it, then shrugged. "Sixty years, I suppose?"

"Yeck." Sanae scowled again at the outlet.

Suwako, meanwhile, was absorbed in fiddling with the volume dial. She cranked it all the way up until the sound of TV static reached ear-scratching levels.

"Stop that." Kanako slapped Suwako's hand away from the TV and turned the volume back down to a manageable level.

Sanae shuffled over on her knees between the two godesses. "What's on? What's on?" she asked, suddenly feeling like she was back to the Saturday mornings of her childhood.

"Let's see..." Kanako twisted the other dial. The TV screen switched from one face to another before finally settling on...

[ ] CROW News: Pure and Honest
[ ] Kyouko and Murasa: Cooking with Echodog
[ ] Keine's Boring History Show
[ ] Telemundo Gensokyo: El Amor de Las Magas
[ ] Ichirin and Unzan's Wacky Sitcom Hijinks

No. 174216
[x] Cirno News Network
No. 174217
[x] Cirno News Network
No. 174218
[x] Telemundo Gensokyo: El Amor de Las Magas

hopefully this isn't a copy paste of the El Panda MMDs
No. 174219
[x] Cirno News Network
No. 174220
[ ] Telemundo Gensokyo: El Amor de Las Magas
No. 174224
[-] Telemundo Gensokyo: El Amor de Las Magas

tide pissing
No. 174225
[X] Cirno News Network
No. 174226
[X] Cirno News Network
No. 174227
[x] Kyouko and Murasa: Cooking with Echodog

Because Kyouko.
No. 174228
[x] Telemundo Gensokyo: El Amor de Las Magas
No. 174229
[x] Telemundo Gensokyo: El Amor de Las Magas
No. 174231
[x] Kyouko and Murasa: Cooking with Echodog

Echodog. Echodog!
No. 174232
[X] Cirno News Network
No. 174233
[x] CNN
No. 174235
[x] Kyouko and Murasa: Cooking with Echodog

Echodog is always the right choice.
No. 174236
[X] Telemundo Gensokyo: El Amor de Las Magas

This name is too much.
No. 174237
[x] Telemundo Gensokyo: El Amor de Las Magas

Hopefully with either subtitles or an alternate voice track on SAP.
No. 174238
[X] Telemundo Gensokyo: El Amor de Las Magas

Telenova here we come.
No. 174239
[x] Telemundo Gensokyo: El Amor de Las Magas

What's Echodog?
No. 174241
[X] Cirno News Network

The strongest channel.
No. 174243
Kyouko. Since she echos and is kind of (but not really) a dog.
No. 174244
[x] Cirno News Network
[x] Telemundo Gensokyo combo

A giant blue eye filled the screen. The Moriya trio leaned back slightly.

"-of those camera things?" A bratty, childlike voice asked. The giant eye blinked, then moved back to show a round pale face, with blue hair cut in a short, boyish haircut.

"It's that fairy asshole!" Suwako growled.

"Cirno, don't break it. It's valuable," another voice pleaded with the fairy holding the camera.

"Ooh, is this thing on? Can other people see me?" Cirno stared at the lens, expecting a response.

"Heeeey!" she hollered, then jabbed the lens with a finger. Kanako squinted as if the finger was headed right for her eye. Her finger left a dirty smudge on the lens.

"It doesn't work like that. They can see and hear you, but they can't talk back," the other voice explained patiently.

"Ohh." Cirno nodded in understanding. "Hey, everyone! You're ugly!" She stuck her tongue out at the camera and giggled to herself.

"Really though, the kappa lady's gonna be really mad at us if she finds us, we should return it-"

Cirno stopped making goofy faces at the camera and turned it around to reveal the other fairy: tall, green-haired and lanky, just a hair short of being human-sized. Sanae didn't remember her name, or eve she even had one; everyone just called her Daiyousei.

"Say hi!" Cirno said.

"I-I'm not with her, honest," the fairy put her hands up in surrender. "I don't even know who she is. Cirno? Never met her! I mean, I was just on my way to, uh, gotta go!"

Daiyousei left the scene. Now without a partner, Cirno amused herself by spinning the camera in a circle.

"Wheeo-wheeo-wheeo!" she giggled again. Kanako shut her eyes again and a soft 'hurk' sound came from her throat. Sanae wondered if Kanako got motion sick easily, or if it was even possible for that to happen to a goddess.

"Egh, now I'm bored." She tossed the camera aside. It did somersaults through the air. Kanako reeled and hurked again. The camera landed on its side, still pointing at the fairy, providing a worm's-eye view of the action. She danced and spun around in the grass for a bit, lost in her own little world.

"We should change the channel," Sanae said.

"Hang on. Give it one more minute," Suwako growled back.

"La la la, la la- ooh, a froggie!" Cirno knelt down and reached for something off-camera.

"I knew it!" Suwako stood up and flew out the door so fast she nearly smashed the wooden frame.

Cirno continued talking to herself as Sanae and Kanako sat in silence.

"Hey, don't run," Cirno said as she chased her subject through the grass. "Two out of three are pretty good odds."

Sanae adjusted her skirt. She estimated Cirno had ten seconds left before she got carbonized. "Let's watch something else, shall we?"


Sanae gave the knob a few twists and stopped on another random channel.

"-presentada por Nitori Electronics. El Amor de Las Magas," a narrator announced over the click of castanets, while a series of silhouettes swept past the screen behind a cloudy orange-red filter.

"Última hora, Marisa tenía un gran secreto que-"

Before Kanako could ask to change the channel again, the unintelligible dialogue suddenly righted itself into something she and Sanae could understand.

The scene switched to the interior of a dainty, well-kept house. It looked like somewhere a grandma could happily retire to: doilies on the table, flower curtains over the window, old but well-kept wooden furniture.

The camera panned left to reveal a woman dressed in blue with strong Russian features. Despite being on the tall side, her frame was still soft and feminine. Just by seeing her sitting there and sipping some tea, one could easily tell what kind of person she was.

A knock at the door upset her from her mid-afternoon snack. She let herself up, brushed some crumbs off her lap, and opened it to see a familiar face hiding under poofy layers of a black dress and a floppy wide-brimmed witch hat.

"Marisa!" Alice clasped her hands to her heart. "I thought I told you we can't be seen together. I must remain faithful to Patchouli. Even though she's still at the Scarlet Devil Hacienda, trapped in a coma."

Marisa stepped forward and clapped her arms on Alice's shoulders. Since she was a little on the short side, it was a reach for her. "You haven't heard? She woke up from her coma just long enough to announce that she'd lost her memory!"

"How much did she forget?" Alice asked, still in shock.

"I don't know any details, but surely she's forgotten enough that we can get together again, free of trouble."

Marisa leaned forward, stood on her tiptoes, and pressed her face to Alice's. Her wide hat covered most of the action, but the wet sound of muchas smoochas told the story well enough. Alice blissfully surrendered to Marisa's affections, leaning back and letting the wall support her as Marisa held her by the waist. She let her hat fall from her grip, revealing her tangled golden locks draped over Alice's shoulders.

"I love you, Alice. I can't let this chance go to waste." Marisa pecked up and down her neck.

"Oh, Marisa..."

"I love your soft blonde hair."


"And your bright green eyes, and your pale skin."


"It's so milky and white and perfect. My friends all agree."

"Your... friends?"

"Haven't you heard? I've joined the Ary-"

"Hands off my Alice, you strumpet!" A weak voice mustered up the loudest shout it could manage.

The two of them gasped in unison. Standing in the doorway, dressed head to toe in shades of velvet, was Patchouli Knowledge.

"P-Patchouli, but!" Alice tried to find her words. "Marisa, she told me you'd forgotten everything, that the injury had ruined your memory!"

Patchouli furrowed her brows in confusion and rage. Realization dawned on her, and she slapped her hand against her face.

"Anemia, Marisa. A-ne-mi-a. That barely even sounds like amnesia."

Marisa let go of Alice and backed away. She gave Patchouli an aw-shucks shrug of the shoulders. As she stepped further away from her cuckoldee, her hips bumped against the edge of the table. A half-empty jug of grape juice fell from between the folds of her dress, with "property of Patchouli" written over the label.

"My medicine!" Patchouli gasped.

"Grape juice?" Alice asked.

"It's got a high iron content," Marisa explained.

"That's none of your business!" The camera zoomed in on Patchouli, pointing an angry finger at Marisa. "Hands off my Alice!"

The view became foggy and blurred.

"My Alice... my Alice..."

Patchouli's voice echoed and grew softer.


As the veil of fog lifted, Patchouli found herself in an entirely different state. Her dress was now filthy, her hair unkempt. As she reached out to save Alice, she realized she was on her back, clawing at thin air. She let out a sickly cough.

"Ah, you're finally awake." Remilia, her face tight with concern, knelt by her side.

"How long was I in that coma?" Patchouli asked, slowly regaining her senses.

Remilia picked up an empty glass bottle nearby and tsked. Her voice was now free of sympathy. "Coma, nothing. You were on a bender. When I said you should try eating some grapes, I didn't mean you should raid the wine cellar."

"Is Alice safe? Did Marisa keep her hands off of her?" she asked.

"what are you saying?"

"Alice! My fiancee!" Patchouli nearly screamed.

Remilia stared back at her in confusion. "But... you are Alice!"

Patchouli leaned up and put her hands to her face in disbelief. Her fingers knocked off the purple wig covering her head to reveal the soft blonde hair underneath. A mandolin sting accompanied the fade to black...

"Who wrote that drivel?" Kanako snorted.

"Yeah, let's watch something else," Sanae said.

[ ] CROW News: Pure and Honest
[ ] Kyouko and Murasa: Cooking with Echodog
[ ] Keine's Boring History Show
[ ] Ichirin and Unzan's Wacky Sitcom Hijinks
No. 174245
[x] Ichirin and Unzan's Wacky Sitcom Hijinks

Although honestly, I would read 10 threads of El Amor de Las Magas.
No. 174246
[ ] CROW News: Pure and Honest
But will Aya be balding enough to be a commenter?
No. 174247
iAy, caramba! El Amor de Las Magas sure was a thrilling tale! Can't wait for the next episode! Until then...
[x] Keine's Boring History Show

That anemia-amnesia joke was brilliant.
No. 174248
Damn, that's some classy show!

[x] Ichirin and Unzan's Wacky Sitcom Hijinks
No. 174249
"¿Cómo van a Marisa y Patchouli reaccionar a gran revelación de Alice?
¿Quién es esa misteriosa dama enmascarada?
Y se Flandre nunca se coronó reina de la pelota?
Descubre en el siguiente emocionante episodio de El Amor de las Magas.
Presentada por Nitori Electronics, Cuando la radiación inestable no puede interferir con el progreso."
(Google translated, since I don't speak spanish, but eh.)

That said...
[X] CROW News: Pure and Honest
No. 174250
[X] CROW News: Pure and Honest

Haha wow...can't say I saw that one coming.
No. 174251
[x] Kyouko and Murasa: Cooking with Echodog

Echodog is best dog.
No. 174252
Aya is best, but FOX news is worst. And besides...

[x] Kyouko and Murasa: Cooking with Echodog
No. 174255
[X] Keine's Boring History Show

The title of this one sounds really promising.
No. 174257
[x] Kyouko and Murasa: Cooking with Echodog

Why, you ask? Because Echodog. That is all.
No. 174261

being a current Spanish student of several years, I got a chuckle out of some of the transliteration errors. Queen of the 'ball' indeed.

And for anyone who doesn't know, Cooking with Echodog is a pun on this oddly addicting show: http://youtu.be/N6JZx86OyXM
No. 174262
Well, I was kind of surprised how the funniest line is also perfectly translated.

>" Presentada por Nitori Electronics, Cuando la radiación inestable no puede interferir con el progreso."
No. 174263
Keine next time.
No. 174273
Maybe that's what the episode IS about?
Who know, it is El Amor de Las Magas after all.
No. 174299
[X]Judge Shikieiki

"Okay, I'm gonna interrupt you there. Did you or did you not commit a sin?"

[X] The Yukari Yakumo Show

"And everybody in the audience tonight will receive one free outside world object!"

[X] Nitori vs Cirno danmaku match with commentary by Genjii

"Now you see, Youki, the winner in a spellcard battle is gonna be the one who gets hit less."

The possibilities for this are so endless...
No. 174301
[X] Ichirin and Unzan's Wacky Sitcom Hijinks

I want to hear the laugh track.
No. 174319

No. 174322
[x] Celestial Dragon Weather Report

Because Iku needs some love. Also, I want to see how Tenshi would interrupt.
No. 174323
[x] Kyouko and Murasa: Cooking with Echodog

Man, these ideas are all amazing.
No. 174327
No. 174349
With the former three-way tie broken, the Moriya crew will now be watching their very first cooking show!
No. 176854
Sanae grabbed the TV knob, then paused for a second.

"On the next episode..." the TV continued.

The show flashed a few rapid cuts, mostly of the various main characters locking lips, before showing a clip of Remilia slamming open the doors to the main room of her mansion.

"Everyone, I have an announcement to make. I have vampire cancer."

More rapid-paced cuts, this time of shocked expressions, then a few more of Remilia making out with various mansion employees.

"Don't tell me you've gotten interested," Kanako rolled her eyes.

Sanae felt a tingle of shame run through her spine, yet couldn't bring herself to change the channel just yet. Cut to Marisa's house.

"Mima! I thought you were..."

"Dead? That's what I wanted you to think."

With that final sting, like an insult hurled from one room to another after the end of a heated argument, the show's credits played in honest. Marisa, proving she wasn't just a pretty face, sang the ending theme as a guitar played in the background.

"¿Porqué seguís mirando?
Estos son solo los títulos de crédito,
No se importan un pepino...

¿Fuiste a la cocina?
Debes cambiar el canal en serio.
Sin embargo, este programa es malo.

Sanae turned the channel knob without a word. Despite only moving a few fingers, she felt as if she'd taken a long walk of shame.

The TV settled on a short green haired girl, dressed in a slightly oversized dull peach colored dress. A pair of wide, floppy brown dog ears rested on top of her hair. They perked up slightly in a small flopping motion as she turned to face the camera. Her teal eyes were almost as wide and perky as her grin.

"HI, I'M KYOUKO! The host of this show, Cooking with Echodog!" she shouted, making Sanae fly back from the screen.

She stared at the camera for a few seconds after saying her piece. Her ears flopped up again.

The camera zoomed out to show a thin, androgynous woman dressed in sailor's clothes, right down to the jaunty cap. Compared to her yamabiko partner, she was rather plain: black hair, green eyes, and tanned sailor's skin with a touch of the Limey brush.

"And I'm Murasa. Spending most of my days at sea, fresh fruits and vegetables were a luxury. We learned how to make do cooking with grains, fish, and a few spices. If we were lucky!"

She jabbed a small slotted spoon at the camera, silently chiding them for not being thankful enough of their cabbage and peaches.

"Anyway, just because you're limited to sailor's food doesn't mean you can't eat tasty food. And to prove that, what're we making today, Kyouko?"


"Indoor voice."

"Fish and potato curry," she grumbled.

"That's right!" Murasa lifted up the cloth covering the table to reveal an array of ingredients.

Murasa lifted the cloth off of the table, revealing her ingredients. True to her word, there were two salmon filets, a bowl of uncooked potatoes, and an array of spices in between a collection of stainless steel cookware. She picked up a shallow bowl and tilts it towards the camera to show small piles of various seeds, a lump of something that looked like ginger, a few cloves of garlic, and a white onion.

"First, and most important, the curry spices. You can use a brick of curry powder, if you're a little bitch. If you have half a brain and one-fourth of a nut you'll get the real stuff and make it yourself."

She pointed out the various spices, naming them as she goes.

"Lotsa turmeric, lotsa coriander. Some black pepper and salt. Cumin to taste, add more if you like it spicy. If you don't like it spicy, refer to what I said ten seconds ago. Gotta have cardamom too, if you wanna make the real stuff. Black cardamom is best, with that rich, sweet, yet intoxicatingly smoky flavor... and that smell..."

Murasa pressed her face to the plate and takes a deep whiff. When she lifted her head back up, she looked as though she'd had something between a hit of heroin and multiple orgasms. A few stray seeds had stuck to her face. They fell off one by one back onto the plate while her eyes slowly refocused.

"So, first step, we need to get the turmeric, garlic, and onions minced."

The camera zoomed in on the spices with an almost pornographic focus. Murasa flattened her blade against the board and crushed the cloves beneath it. Even through the screen, Sanae could swear she could smell the aroma, and feel the sticky moisture of its juices.

Kanako, meanwhile, had gone back to take the bubbling pot of rice off of the stove. The clattering sound reminded Sanae that there was little more than a heaping bag of raw brown rice in the pantry at the moment. A mixture of envy and awe filled her mind as she watched the garlic, then the tumeric, then the onion get diced and minced under Murasa's cool, controlling hand. She swept them away from the camera and brought the plate of seeds into view.

"And now, these seeds..."

A loud 'thwap!' sound flew out of the speakers as she smashed the seeds with a mallet. Sanae snapped back to reality, suddenly feeling yet another pang of existential shame.

"You need to really mash the seeds up good to get the powdery texture you'll want in a good curry." Murasa gave the plate a few more smashes with her mallet until the seeds were well and truly pulverized.

"Oh, baby. If Nirvana means I'll never get to smell freshly-ground cumin again then I've got some sinning to do," Murasa said.

"Well..." Kyouko scrunched her lips and glanced up.

Murasa was halfway to glaring at her before she realized that she really had no room to argue that. She set the spices aside and turned to the pot of water on the stovetop, which had reached a healthy boil in the meantime. She took three potatoes, whole with skin and all, and set them in the water. To Kyouko's surprise, the potatoes floated in the water for a few seconds. Murasa stared at the tubers and pointed at them with her slotted spoon. They broke apart into cubes and sank to the bottom of the pot.

"Creative, huh?" Murasa smirked with pride.

"Now it's my turn!" Kyouko nearly squealed with excitement. "I'll fry the fish along with the garlic and onions in this other pan for a few minutes," she hefted up a massive pan and set it on the stovetop with a loud clang.

"That's right," Murasa said, falling prey to Kyouko's adorable excitability. "When the fish and onions are juuuust beginning to get cooked through, we add water, potatoes and spices. That way we'll have a wet curry, almost like a really thick soup."

Kyouko gave the fish a flip while Murasa watched it cook, waiting for just the right moment to throw everything else in. Then she struck, tossing in potatoes and spices, then emptying a pint of water on top of it. Steam billowed up from the sizzling pan.

"Now, there's one more ingredient we'll need." Murasa displayed a glass jar filled with a red powder, caressing it as she spoke. "Pure crushed chili peppers. Piri piri, to be precise, imported from southern Ethiopia. This strain is three times as strong as Cayanne peppers, over twenty times as strong as jalapeños."

"Wow! So you're going to be really careful with it, right?" Kyouko said with a nervous forced laugh.

"Yes, careful, sure." Murasa leaned over the pan and tapped the jar a few times, dumping some of the spices into it. Then a few more taps. And even more still.

"M-Murasa, I think that's-"



Kyouko backed away as Murasa emptied even more into the pan, stirring it and cackling to herself. Over half the jar had gone into the pan, which had now taken a dangerous red tint, before she decided that her work was done. She stashed the vial back in her pocket before scooping some of it up with her slotted spoon and sipping the sauce.

"Yes, perfect. Yessssss."

She approached Kyouko with the spoon. Her tail wrapped around her leg in fear as she backed away further.

"It looks really good, honest, but I don't really like spicy food, sorry, I think I'll pa-"

"Eat it. Eat it and like it." Murasa lunged the spoon into Kyouko's open mouth, cutting off her protests.

Kyouko stood frozen in horror. Her pupils dilated, sweat broke out on her brow, and she let out a pitiful squeak as she tasted the sauce. Her squeak turned to a whine as tears welled up in her eyes and she swallowed the mouthful.

"Well? How is it?" Murasa asked with a devilish smile.

"It... it hurts so good..." Kyouko whimpered. "I can't feel my face anymore."

"No tears, only dreams now."

A new voice spoke up from above the two of them. "Imported peppers? My, my. Sounds awfully expensive."

Byakuren Hijiri descended from above, landing just behind Murasa. Now it was Murasa's turn to freeze in terror.

Byakuren put her hands together, a poisonous smile on her face. "And I can't imagine those other spices were cheap either."

"I-I can explain," Murasa said.

"Explain the three thousand yen that went missing from our treasury, you mean?" Byakuren responded. "We'll have a talk about that at the temple. Oh, yes, we will."

Byakuren grabbed her subject of wrath by the collar and carted her away. Kyouko was now by herself, still frozen in position, her ears twitching slightly.

"We should probably... help her, or something," came a voice right next to the camera.

"Yep," said another.

"Nazrin, go help her," the first voice said.

The second voice sighed heavily. "Yes, master."

Back in the Myouren temple, Sanae's focus on what just happened was broken as Kanako laid a bowl of rice down in front of her.

"What'd I miss?" she asked.

"I'm not entirely sure what just happened but I have very mixed feelings about it," Sanae took an absent-minded bite of rice.

"Huh, I wouldn't think a cooking show would do that. What else is on?"



[ ] Sunday Night Spellcard Smackdown Pay-Per-View
[ ] CROW News: Pure and Honest
[ ] Keine's Boring History Show
[ ] Ichirin and Unzan's Wacky Sitcom Hijinks
No. 176855
[X] Ichirin and Unzan's Wacky Sitcom Hijinks

That laugh track better be on full power!

And it's good to see this updated, right at Christmas!
No. 176856
[x] Keine's Boring History Show

Merry Dicksmas~
No. 176857
[x] Keine's Boring History Show

So boring~
No. 176860
[ ] Keine's Boring History Show
No. 176863
[X] Ichirin and Unzan's Wacky Sitcom Hijinks
No. 176864
[x] Keine's Boring History Show

Teach me, Keine-sensei.
No. 176871
[X] Ichirin and Unzan's Wacky Sitcom Hijinks

>"Everyone, I have an announcement to make. I have vampire cancer."

I lost it.
No. 176874
[ ] Ichirin and Unzan's Wacky Sitcom Hijinks
No. 176880
[x] Sunday Night Spellcard Smackdown Pay-Per-View
No. 176882
[x] Keine's Boring History Show

Absolutely nothing unusual is guaranteed to happen during it.

∄x: unusual(x) ∧ □happen(x)
No. 176883
Boy, this thread likes to get in ties. But now the tie is broken and I can close votes!

[x] Keine's Boring History Show
No. 176886

[X] Ichirin and Unzan's Wacky Sitcom Hijinks

Goddamnit, too late.
No. 176933
[x] Keine's Boring History Show 
No. 177061
Sanae flipped through the next few channels.

"-shooting news-"




"-ardening with Meiling!"

This new channel showed the red-haired guard of the the vampire mansion, tall as a mountain and about as firm as one. She was holding a hefty pair of shears, and despite the prospect of gardening work she was still wearing her fancy green dress. "Today, we'll be learning about color patterns using common flowers to-"

"Meiling." A very loud and very unamused voice called from off-screen.

"Yes, Sakuya?" Meiling's face fell. She looked like a kicked puppy.

"The hell are you doing? Who told you that you could have nice things?"

Meiling mumbled a heartbroken response.

"Get over here and rake the yard."

"Yes, ma'am." Meiling sighed and left the screen.

Sakuya's voice harrumphed next to the camera before she turned it off. Sanae changed the channel again.

She was now treated to a slow pan over a rice paddy carved into a hill, a few straw-hatted dots hard at work tilling the soil.

"Forgotten stories of Gensokyo," Keine's voice narrated in an attempt to sound pleasantly foreboding.

"Is this about me? I bet it'll be about me," Kanako said.

The scene cut to Keine seated at her school desk. Her hands were folded neatly in her lap, her arms locked, her body sitting symmetrical -- and a little oval. On the chalkboard was an arrow pointing to Keine, with 'dombass' written at the base. On the other side of the board was a crude drawing of Keine eyeing a phallus, with a speech bubble saying "I like cocks" in case anyone missed the intent.

"Welcome to the first episode in our twenty-part series on the events surrounding the sealing of the Hakurei border." She tried to look formal and stifle her massive grin.

"Despite the chao- ahem!" Her voice cracked as her grin waged open warfare on her face. "Despite the chaos that followed after word of the incoming sealing reached all of Gensokyo, several important players showed remarkable foresight and intelligence in planning for life beyond the outside world."

She spread her hands over a small pile of papers in front of her. "These documents are from Reina's personal diary, released from the Hakurei shrine just a few years ago."

She picked up one of the scrolls and unrolled it on the table, mouthing a silent "Oh, baby."

Her voice dropped a few pitches as she quoted the miko's words. "During our discussions, a powerful landlord, in a fit of passion, asked where his family could get abalone after the border was sealed. He quickly realized the selfishness in such a question, and fell silent, no longer needing an answer."

"Afterwards, however, a casual botanist told me of the value of such questions. Gensokyo is landlocked, its rivers too shallow and its lake too dangerous for fishing. We will have naught but what grows from the ground to eat."

"We must grow our own medicines and our own seasonal fruits to stave off diseases. We will need barley for the land too rocky for rice, and hardy varieties of all grains for times of draught or diseases."

"Imagine the ignomity of it all, hunters and heroes dead from empty stomachs and beri beri!"

Keine fidgeted in her seat, reliving the tension and confusion of the times, but happily, like an atrocity tourist. Her voice returned to normal as she rolled up the scroll and faced the camera.

"As you probably know, the plan was a success, and an astounding variety of fruits, vegetables and cereals were collected into a seed bank held at the Hakurei Shrine. It was not an easy task, however. The Hakurei miko was busy with many other duties at the time, and many farmers didn't trust their landlords when asked to donate valuable seeds."

"Noticing the lack of success, another enterprising landowner elected to make a propaganda poster. Reina was an immensely popular figure with the lower classes, and a show of support from her likely would've made the plan an even bigger success."

Keine reached for another scroll and began to unroll it as she talked. "I say 'would have' because the draft of the poster was explicitly unapproved by Reina herself."

She displayed the poster to the camera. It depicted a demure-looking Hakurei maiden, her arms spread and inviting, with text reading "The Hakurei Miko needs your seed!"

"The reasons for its denial are lost to time."

"Huh, neat," Sanae said through a mouthful of rice.

"Where's Suwako? I wouldn't think kicking around one fairy would take so long," Kanako asked.

"Iunno. Wanna watch something else?"

Kanako pursed her rather large lips in thought. She was falling prey to the siren call of cheap entertainment. "Yeah, let's see what else is on."


[ ] Royal Kokoro Kokompany
[ ] Sunday Night Spellcard Smackdown Pay-Per-View
[ ] CROW News: Pure and Honest
[ ] Ichirin and Unzan's Wacky Sitcom Hijinks
No. 177062
[x] Sunday Night Spellcard Smackdown Pay-Per-View

We're just in time for the Royal Rumble! Hope they don't give the last slot to the GM this time.
No. 177063
[x] Royal Kokoro Kokompany

The Masterpiece Theatre of Gensokyo
No. 177064
>"The Hakurei Miko needs your seed!"
We need a drawfag to get on this, pronto.


[x] Sitcom option
No. 177065
[x] Sunday Night Spellcard Smackdown Pay-Per-View
No. 177066
[ ] Royal Kokoro Kokompany
No. 177067
[x] Ichirin and Unzan's Wacky Sitcom Hijinks
"Unzan" *laughtrack*
I take it Cirno thinks Keine <3s cawks
No. 177070
[x] Ichirin and Unzan's Wacky Sitcom Hijinks

Because when channelzapping you always end up at that sitcom that you don't really want to watch, but everything else is even less interesting, so eh...
No. 177071
[X] Royal Kokoro Kokompany
No. 177072
[x] Royal Kokoro Kokompany

Maybe, but we're not there yet.
No. 177073
[x] Royal Kokoro Kokompany
No. 177074
[x] Sunday Night Spellcard Smackdown Pay-Per-View
No. 177075
>and a little oval

[x] Royal Kokoro Kokompany
No. 177076
[X] CROW News: Pure and Honest

No. 177077
[x] Royal Kokoro Kokompany
No. 177079

I was trying to make a joke about her weight but it came out poorly-worded. Delicious squishy Keine~
No. 177082
[X] Sunday Night Spellcard Smackdown Pay-Per-View

This thread is hilarious.
No. 177094
Closing votes! Dress up nice, we're going to the theatre.
No. 177183
Don't think I didn't catch that M1 Grand Prix reference.

This post now with 100% less late vote!
No. 177498
[x] Royal Kokoro Kokompany

This new channel seemed to be holding an interview. A rail-thin man in a green hat and a shirt with an oddly familiar-looking leaf print sat behind a large stand, microphone in one hand, half-filled beer in the other. Judging from how red his face was, the interview had dragged on a while.

"Okay, next question..." the man said tipsily. He set down his beer and picked up a pile of cue cards, reading the first one he drew aloud.

"'Wch 2hu wld ufq.' Uh, no." He tossed the card aside and read the next one.

"'Wch 2hu wud u fuk.' Nope. 'Wch toho-' Nuh-uh. 'Wch toehoe.' 'Wch kowtow.' 'Wch timbuktu.'"

The cards flew through the air as the man rapidly depleted the pile, frustration more and more evident in his voice as he tossed them aside. After the twentieth or so card that read the exact same thing, plus or minus some creative spelling, he slapped the pile on the table, stood up, and pointed into the audience.

"You," he said with the voice of a man who had nothing left to lose. The camera spun around and zoomed in on a man standing near the edge of a silent crowd.

He was dressed in an outfit remarkably similar to Marisa's, though a day's worth of stubble and a bit of pudge kept the resemblance from getting too strong.

"M-me?" He pointed to himself, dumbfounded.

The camera moved back to the thin man.

"Yes, you. Get up here. On stage. Now." It was now obvious that the interview had done its damage.

The Marisa impostor walked forward on trembling, jellylike legs. The unmistakable metal-on-metal sound of a belt hook loosening jingled into the microphone.

"I'll show you which goddamn Touhou I'd fuck," the mad scarecrow of man growled.

"For the love of me, change the channel," Kanako said.

Sanae hurriedly turned the dial to find a more pleasant, familiar view: a shot of the Hakurei Shrine that was, for once in its sad life, decorated and colorful. A raised stage stood in front of the shrine itself, flanked by thick ribbons and frilled curtains. A noticeably inebriated crowd sat rubbing their hands, waiting for a play to begin.

A tengu reporter with a checkered skirt and the obvious air of a second banana chased someone through the crowd.

"Kokoro! Miss Kokoro!" she called out. "Time for a word before the play begins?"

A pink-haired woman dressed in an odd blue plaid and wearing a champion poker face had a microphone shoved in front of her by the tengu. She paused for a moment, seemingly reluctant, but otherwise answered the reporter.

"Certainly. Today we'll be performing some kyogen plays. It's a traditional form of Japanese entertainment and the predecessor of manzai, very fast-paced and entertaining. The style of humor will hopefully be a big hit with the Gensokyo audience. They were traditionally performed between noh plays, but we'll be skipping that part."

The reporter paused. A smirk spread on her face. "Could you say that last part one more time?"

"We won't have noh--" Kokoro's eyes lowered ever so slightly. "Say it. I dare you."

"You won't have no what?"

In the reporter's defense, it would be hard to have detected sarcasm from someone with no facial expressions or vocal inflection. Either way, as soon as the last word had left her mouth, Kokoro's knee shot up fast enough to break the sound barrier.

"Kokoro! On in three!" a voice called from the crowd. Kokoro quickly made herself scarce.

"Gensokyo's first original kyogen, ladies and gentlemen," the reporter wheezed into the mic.

The lights around the stage extinguished. Only the vague shapes of a couple of people moving around behind the curtain could be seen as they prepared to start. The beating of drums suddenly struck up, marking the opening.

The Troublesome Convert,
A play in one act
by Hata no Kokoro

[Futo and Tojiko stand onstage, both carrying plates of food and gifts.]

Futo: I am a Taoist practitioner of some regard. My master has entrusted my associate and I with the preparations for an upcoming feast.

Tojiko: Ah, do you see that woman there?

[Kokoro enters stage]

Tojiko: Surely our master would be impressed, were we to bring her a new convert to the faith.

Futo: Indeed! Dear madam, wouldst thou spare but a moment of your time?

Kokoro: I'm listening, but please be quick, I am on errands.

Futo: Very well! Verily, the school of Taoism and its practices must ring familiar to thine ears, yes?

Kokoro: I have heard, yes. But I have also heard foul rumors. I have heard that there are necromancers and wicked people within your ranks.

Tojiko: Unthinkable!

Futo: How cruel!

Tojiko: To even suggest it!

Futo: Well...

Kokoro: If you were to warn me of any foul persons within your school, I could take care to avoid them, and not be scared away upon meeting them.

Futo: Thou makest a good case. Then, I shall warn thee to steer clear of Seiga Kaku.

Kokoro: [gasps] Then, does she practice necromancy?

Futo: Yes, it shames me to admit that she does.

Kokoro: Is it true that she abandoned her family?

Futo: Yes, she has committed the awful deed. What's more, rumors abound of her corrupting the innocence of youths!

Tojiko: Don't answer questions she didn't ask!

Kokoro: I have no wish to be in such wicked company.

Tojiko: Wait! If you convert to our school and apply yourself with all your heart, I can promise you a soul of unrivalled richness and a fulfilling life.

Kokoro: I am not convinced. However, I see that your school is wealthy... [gestures to plates of goods]

Futo: Such naked avarice!

Tojiko: Such simple desires!

Futo: Such straightforward demands!

Tojiko: Its simplicity is admirable! What do you want?

Kokoro: Those beeswax candles must surely smell wonderful. Surely, your master would not notice if one were to disappear.

Tojiko: She would notice, but it's a small price to pay for a new convert.

Futo: We're not that desperate. [to Kokoro] Really, we're not that desperate.

Kokoro: Those exotic fruits and meats would surely make a fine banquet. Since I have no invitation, I will not crash your party and will instead ask that you give me that tray of foods. I will prepare them myself.

Futo: Very well. My partner and I shall skimp on our luxuries and give them to you instead.

Tojiko: I should protest, but I don't enjoy repeating myself.

[Futo pushes a plate of fruit and a parcel of chicken towards Kokoro. She takes it, struggling to hold all of her gifts.]

Futo: With these gifts, I take it thou art ready to convert?

Kokoro: I will answer you later. In the meantime, I am late for my weekly studies with Madam Toyosatomimi.

[Kokoro exits the stage quickly. Futo and Tojiko stand in silence for a few moments.]

Futo: We have been played the fool.

Tojiko: The master made a wise decision to take such a clever girl under her wing.

Futo: Or cape, as it were.

Tojiko: It's a shame she'll have to chastise you for squandering her gifts.

Futo: What?

Tojiko: That woman will surely tell her how easily you handed her a banquet's worth. Ah, here she comes now. Futo?

[Futo begins running offstage]

Futo: No, it can't be done, it can't be done!

Kanako laughed a little too long at the hokey, old-timey humor. She saw Sanae grinning at her -- and obviously not from the kyogen -- and stopped.


"Nothing." Sanae fought back giggles.


"Marisa's right, you really do act like an old lady."

Kanako harrumphed. "Oh, hush. I need some tea."

She stood up and let out an 'oof' as her back creaked. Sanae fiddled with the channel dial again.


[ ] Sunday Night Spellcard Smackdown Pay-Per-View
[ ] CROW News: Pure and Honest
[ ] Ichirin and Unzan's Wacky Sitcom Hijinks
No. 177499
Side note: I read a few actual kyogen as research for this, and even after six hundred years they still hold up pretty well. They're a quick read so check 'em out if you've got some time to kill and need a cheap laugh.

No. 177500
[x] Sunday Night Spellcard Smackdown Pay-Per-View

I absolutely have to see this.
No. 177501
[x] Ichirin and Unzan's Wacky Sitcom Hijinks

It's funny because the people on the TV laugh when the actors say a thing.
No. 177502
[X] Sunday Night Spellcard Smackdown Pay-Per-View

Sure, they can get into a Danmaku fight whenever they want to, but actually getting to watch one without having to watch out for stray fire? Sounds awesome!
No. 177503
[x] Sunday Night Spellcard Smackdown Pay-Per-View
No. 177506
[X] Sunday Night Spellcard Smackdown Pay-Per-View

Not to mention it's more fun to watch it on TV with commentary and all that, rather than just see it "live and unedited".
No. 177508
[x] Sunday Night Spellcard Smackdown Pay-Per-View
No. 177510

I'm having a blast reading these. Thanks for the link.
No. 177534
[X] Sunday Night Spellcard Smackdown Pay-Per-View
No. 177539
[X] Sunday Night Spellcard Smackdown Pay-Per-View

Need some 80's style promos for this one, BROTHER DUDE JACK.
No. 177540
[X] Sunday Night Spellcard Smackdown Pay-Per-View

No. 177556
Three options enter, one option leaves. TONIGHT, IN THIS VERY RING!

[X] Sunday Night Spellcard Smackdown Pay-Per-View
No. 177683
Zun x AnimeWeebLord420 OTP.