TOUHOU MANSOKYO: MASCULINE ACTION NEVERENDING Anonymous 2013/07/25 (Thu) 18:59 No. 172257 ▼
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"...Oh nooooo," you shout in a perfect monotone, brushing your wet hair back with your hand. "I am a hapless human and I am drenched in Worcester sauce. Truly this is not my daaaaay." There is some truth to that statement, actually. You're dripping from head to toe with condiment, and if you have to propose your own objective assessment, you smell quite tasty.
You heave a sigh. In your mind, you know that this plan is the craziest that can ever be conceived by man, and you think you're barely clinging to your own sanity. You haven't gone mad yet, of course; you know perfectly well that the sauce dripping off your hair - and clothes and everywhere else, really - is used to flavor meat or fish, and you know that sitting in the middle of a forest path while being covered by said sauce with only slabs of red meat as company is not exactly the wisest course of action.
"I am meeeeat. I am also deliciooooous." You shout again despite knowing the lack of sanity in doing so. After all, you also have faith that this will work.
A loud crack suddenly resounds in the forest, causing several birds in the distance to scatter before you are once again surrounded by silence. And steaks, and sauce, but those are besides the point.
You strain your eyes and ears, trying to see and hear any other signs of movement far beyond the trees.
You sigh, and start again. "Delicious meeeee--"
Your breath leaves your lungs as you feel yourself being slammed by a tremendous force. It feels as if you've just been tackled by a steam locomotive, and judging from the weight on top of your chest, you could be right. You wheeze out in surprise as everything goes blurry before your eyes. Bright spots are filling your vision, but after blinking rapidly to restore your vision, you can see that you are only inches away from certain death.
Two rows of teeth, each probably as big as your arm, are hanging above your head. You have no doubt that they can tear your limbs in a flash and reduce them into shredded meat, but you try to keep yourself from being distracted by images of your own gory death. You stare at the growling creature in front of you, going beyond its teeth to look at its frenzied, flickering eyes. The thing almost looks like a wolf, but it must be at least ten times bigger - and you feel a certain kind of cruel intelligence beneath its madness.
A youkai, and the one you're looking for. The creature roared in front of your face, deafening your ears and sending flecks of spittle all over it.
"Aaaaargh! Gah, really?" You groan in disgust, but the wolf youkai has finally decided to start eating you. Its muzzle sweeps down to chew off your head...
...which is what would happen, if you don't stop it in its path. Gripping its upper and lower jaws with your bare hands, you gather your strength to keep the youkai from lowering its mouth even further. The wolf must be quite surprised, because you're actually succeeding - despite your much smaller size, you even manage to push the humongous head backward, although all muscles on your hands are strained by now.
"...Well, I'm a half-youkai too, Spit-breath," you mutter for Spit-breath's benefit, although it only seems to be more pissed off by your words. It's now trying to open its mouth wider while still pushing its way down, roaring and growling, while you're doing your best to hold your position, your arms trembling from exertion.
"Guhhh..." You grunt. Both of you aren't able to make any progress against each other, but you have no idea how long your strength will last. "C-come on... Any time now, if you're free!" You move your head to look beyond the creature's mangy head and yell desperately toward the treetops.
And just like that, you can hear some rustling from the trees before a figure suddenly leap downward, right on top of the creature - and you.
The man shouts as his coat flutters from the updraft, and brandishes a gun out of it - which you know quite well from a glance that it is a large-caliber rifle, otherwise known as an elephant gun. As its name suggests, it's used to hunt big game like elephants... or, in this case, a giant, bloodthirsty wolf youkai.
He lands roughly on top of its head, jolting the creature's head and adding his weight to everything that you must support. "Hey...!" You yell in protest while the wolf grunts in confusion, but before your arms give in, you can see him pressing the rifle at the top of its skull.
"Sorry for the headache, love," he said - and you're quite sure even though your vision's obscured by the cavernous mouth that's engulfing your upper body, with a wink - before pulling the trigger.
"I see you're doing quite alright, my boy!" He lets out a belly laugh while you lift up Spit-breath's tongue and crawls away from its mouth. "Looking mighty fine, as usual."
"Yeah, thanks," you reply glumly. "I'm quite sure that being covered in spit and sauce doesn't really make me look fine though, Mr. Kirisame."
Mr. Kirisame laughs again while stroking his beard - and what a luxurious beard it is. He decided to grow it when the two of you are starting this strange line of mercenary work, which, too, is decided by him out of a sudden whim. You're really expecting something that's relatively calmer and more intellectual, but since you're his employee, you don't really have that much say in the matter.
"There's no need for the sour face, Rinnosuke," he grins. "We did it! We killed the monster, and what a thorough kill it was! We finally get the hang of it after... what, five, six times?" You open your mouth in order to answer, but he continues speaking, "I knew all those sauce would come in handy."
Yes, the hare-brained scheme of drenching you in sauce and putting you in the middle of the road is also his. Were it somebody else who came up with it, you'd probably refuse, but your boss has this knack of pulling off all sorts of crazy shit - and the crazier his idea is, the more likely it will succeed, somehow.
"I'd rather if you come up with something less messy..." You start, but a loud growl interrupts your words. You and Mr. Kirisame looks backward to see Spit-breath rising up while blood is pouring down from its wound all over its head. It's not as if the bullets in its head aren't doing any damage - the giant youkai looks as if it's having a small seizure, shaking and drooling as it stands, but it doesn't stop it from leaping toward a surprised Mr. Kirisame.
 TACKLE THE BEAST
 PUSH MR. KIRISAME OUT OF THE WAY
 Do nothing, it's not like he can't handle this on his own.