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Ah, the glorious crackling sound of Geiger counters in the morning. Surely, today must be a good day for alchemy and all other kinds of mumbo jumbo! You don’t wake up every morning to hear sickly birds singing their own funeral march, radiated wolves howling at the moon for cursing their bodies and my lovely friends, the Geiger counters (homemade!) playing the background drums in this depressive rhapsody! Thus, I begin my startup ritual as I steadily, oh so steadily, open my eyes- ugh, electromagnetic waves, wavelength 470nm, give or take 20nm. Damn you, cobalt traces in my glass night light, curse you!

As soon as the painful sensation in my eyes calms down, my head starts exploding. Judging by this headache, the clock on the wall, my sudden thirst and psychological nausea, I must have been drinking wine again. Why, oh why was I drinking this time? Does it even matter? Never mind, I’ll head straight to the bathroom.
A cold shower should work wonders.

Ah, bathroom, you are a lonely room, for we only meet in the morning, the evening and maybe for a quickie in between.
You, yes, you there in the mirror! Who the hell do you think you are, staring at me with those toad eyes, huh? Think you’re tough, eh, eh? Come at me, sister, I’ll beat you up, just because I’m a witch doesn’t mean I can’t punch like an ogre! Hey, why don’t we forget our hate and give each other a nice, toothy smile? That’s more like it! I always fall in love with my good dental hygiene and healthy, shiny, white shark teeth. Stay beautiful, Mira, stay forever (FindRoot[52 - x^2 + x == 10, {x, Sqrt[50]}] times (Integrate[Ln[x], {x, 1, E}]+ Sum[1/2^k, {k, 0, Infinity}])! Oh math, you so crazy.

Surprise, surprise, my scar still didn’t heal, not even a bit. Guess I like it better this way, I want it to stay, because this scar makes me proud.
Oh, I can remember how I got it many years ago. Head inquisitor corners me after an intense fight. Pulls out a sharp cavalry saber, prepares an overhead slash as I barely find the strength to stand up. After all, I was shot in the chest and leg with a damn shotgun and I had hollow point tips in both my shoulders. Swing! Charging all remaining magic power into my skull, I block his sword with my fucking face. It cut me diagonally across the forehead, into my upper nose and left cheekbone, but then it broke in half. The broken tip bounces and stabs him through the eye, into his brains. Ah, good times.

What? My nostalgia and pride meters are way off the charts! If things go awry, I might overheat! Quick, into the cold shower, a wonderful delight that will cool down my senses and bring me back to normalcy! Take haste, stupid witch, the end is nigh, nigh I say! Let the cold hydrogen hydroxide embrace your body and take its excess heat!

My assumptions are correct – the cold shower felt wonderful, but only after my skin got used to the freezing water. If only I had warm water. Eh, I’ll construct a boiler, can’t be that hard, right? This keeps happening. First I take a cold shower, it’s unpleasant, I say to myself, put together a boiler, it’ll be cake, boom, I forget and then I keep reminding myself to remind myself to put together a boiler. No, today is a good day for voodoo magic, the Geiger counters said so.

Breakfast, perhaps the dullest time of the day. No, that would be dinner or supper. Actually, all meals are plain boring. Hmm, hiding in a bunker inside the evacuated area around Chernobyl has its benefits. It sounded like a good idea in the past, the benefits outweighed the few downsides. No witch hunting, no neo-inquisitors, no nearby intersecting magic lines, relative safety and no sane person nearby. Radiation means nothing to me because hey, I’m a bloody witch, a blonde bitch which would snitch your Bologna sandwich, then pitch thy body in a ditch! Ho, ho, ho, this little song gets me all the time.

Disadvantage of living in a bunker in a godforsaken place like Chernobyl: the food. Being an alchemist, I was able to make a plant, a homunculus plant that grows meat leaves, tastes like chicken with the texture of sandpaper. I also grow my own herbs, pardon… I used to grow my own herbs. After an experiment involving a bioluminescent serpent, bottled dark lightning, blood from a battle-musician, I accidentally opened a portal to another world and a monster I can only describe vaguely as a baby sea dragon appeared. Dragon ate my precious herbs. Me being me, I ate the dragon medium rare.

Who am I talking to, again? Oh, yeah, me, Mira the Witch, who is me.
No, the other Mira, the one with the strawberry blonde hair, that’s me.

AXB + BXA = XX, matrix A being {{10, 3},{3, 6}}, matrix B being {{9,-7},{-2,6}} and since both det(A) and det(B) are 42-
That means that Mira the Witch is also Mira the Strawberry Blonde, thus I am myself. Startling discovery!

So, umm, where did I derail, leave the track and crashing into a river of matrix mathematics? Oh!
My homunculus also provides about 1dl of milk a day, tastes like goat milk if you mix it with 67% plum Rakia, thus it is not drinkable, but makes great cheese. Thought alchemical processes known only to me, it makes excellent white wine. That’s where I get my quality booze, usually. And by quality, I mean “heavy metal” and by that, I mean “high lead (II) acetate content”. It’s sweet, lethal to mortals, but great for a witch if you can stomach the hangover.

Basically, my meals from that fateful encounter forth look like this: meat leaf medium rare, meat leaf well done, meat leaf medium rare, meat leaf salad, minced meat leaf roast, meat leaf well done, then maybe minced meat leaf with coriander (only herb that survived the whole sea dragon ordeal) and if I can find edible leaves when scavenging in the forest, then maybe I make myself a big fat hamburger. As a side dish, I always have conjured bread (has to be consumed within the hour or it starts to smell like rotten sheep ass) and fine cheese. On Sundays, also a glass or two or like yesterday, a freaking bottle of wine.

Wait, I did I stock up on lead and ammo recently, didn’t I? Hmm, I am quite certain that I recently borrowed a Baikal-442 and two huge boxes of 9x18mm from an abandoned storage house. And I wondered, why do I need so many bullets? There’s a simple answer. By melting the steel-lead core with witch fire, I get both steel for mumbo jumbo and lead for wine. Ha, I’ve got enough lead to make heavy metal wine for many years to come!

Breakfast procedure – complete, now booting up advanced thought process! It’s funny, because I’m not a robot.
As the Geiger meters said to me, today is a great day for science- I mean, mumbo jumbo witch alchemy stuff…
[ ] Take the red derailed train straight into complex matrix county
[ ] Complete archangel blood synthesis process machine thingy
[ ] Use forbidden arts to bring baby sea dragon skeleton back to life
[ ] Investigate the catacombs to see why you’ve been drinking
[ ] SP = B

Decisions, decisions! Legends say complex matrices can predict the future. Archangel blood is very useful to me. Undead baby sea dragons are really cute. And I guess I want to know why I have been drinking again. I have the strange feeling I forgot to remind myself of something that I need to remind myself to remind myself to do today.
So many choices… what to do?

Oh, the Eastern Paradise will become reality very soon. Before someone asks, no, she hasn’t got green skin, a long nose or a wart on it. That’s childish, have you ever seen a witch with green skin these days? That fashion died out somewhere in the 18th century.
Anyway, comment, vote, cry, laugh, try to make sense of this etc.
Is that really you, Glad_Turtle? I thought you've left this site for good. Welcome back.

Anyway, weird story. Probably not going to follow it but I'll vote anyway.

[x] SP=B
[x] Investigate the catacombs to see why you’ve been drinking
It's good that you you're in college, but tone it down a bit, yeah?
[x] Use forbidden arts to bring baby sea dragon skeleton back to life

I like this narrator. An undead baby sea dragon does sound cute.
Will do. People tend to do crazy stuff when they're alone, but they aren’t that loony around others.
I liked most of the stuff except for the crazy formulas. Also I had a lot of fun finding the various science facts throughout the post, and I hope to share some of that with others via impromptu lesson time!

>electromagnetic waves, wavelength 470nm, give or take 20nm. Damn you, cobalt traces in my glass night light, curse you!
Glass with cobalt in it is blue. Blue light has a wavelength of 450-490 nanometers. What is unknown is why Mira seems to have a pure blue nightlight.

>Let the cold hydrogen hydroxide embrace your body and take its excess heat!
Another name for water, of arguable accuracy. Though this name indicates the presence of two hydrogen and one oxygen atoms, I'm fairly certain that this would represent a different type of bond than is present in water.

>high lead (II) acetate content
For some reason, lead salts taste sweet. However, they still retain all the toxicity you'd expect from something with lead in it. This was a bit of a problem back when people didn't know any better and figured it was something sweet that you could put in your wine. The Romans, for example, called it 'sugar of lead' and got it by boiling grape juice in lead pots, then processing the result.

So hopefully people found that interesting.

[x] Use forbidden arts to bring baby sea dragon skeleton back to life
>Though this name indicates the presence of two hydrogen and one oxygen atoms, I'm fairly certain that this would represent a different type of bond than is present in water.

Indeed, it represents an intermission state when a hydroxide ion (OH-) coordinates with a hydrogen ion (H+), but hasn't bonded to form water yet. It happens even in distilled water due to autoprotolysis. Saying that a "hydrogen ion" is also a tad inaccurate as it is actually more commonly hydronium, which itself exists in form of a larger, more complex ion. At least, that's what I've been taught. In the end, it’s just a silly way to call water.

I suggest Wolfram Alpha to calculate her visual age.
FindRoot[52 - x^2 + x == 10, {x, Sqrt[50]} = 7; Integrate[Ln[x], {x, 1, E}]=1; Sum[1/2^k, {k, 0, Infinity}]) = 2 => 7 * (2 + 1) = 21. Mira is forever 21. These are full commands for Wolfram Mathematica, if anyone is using that program.
[x] Investigate the catacombs to see why you’ve been drinking

Please make the science stuff more digestible to non-science majors as it's a sizable turn off for some.
I think you meant to say "It's a sizable turn-off for me."
I'm not the only person who's made that complaint. Someone in /blue/ asked why this wasn't getting more votes and someone responded in a similar matter. Having read it myself, I can't help but to agree with him.
>Stay beautiful, Mira, stay forever (FindRoot[52 - x^2 + x == 10, {x, Sqrt[50]}] times (Integrate[Ln[x], {x, 1, E}]+ Sum[1/2^k, {k, 0, Infinity}])!
Sorry, I'm dropping this story.
>>158541, see >>158509 spoilers. Everything’s calculated.
Making a youkai-like youkai isn't easy. By making her thought process chaotic, filled with mathematical equations and chemical trivia (my forte) was among the best ways to make her mind feel like something that has survived for ages in solitude, suppressing its urges to hunt children.

Ay, I'll tone down stuff if that nets me more votes. Correctly I'm in dire need of a tie-breaker. Shall we resurrect a winged serpent or investigate the bunker's darkest secrets?
I didn't get a chance to vote, and now it seems like what I'd like to will cause a tie.

Therefore! Please only count this vote if someone else also votes for necromancy, so there will not be a tie.

[x] Use forbidden arts to bring baby sea dragon skeleton back to life.
Someone who voted for >[x] Investigate the catacombs to see why you’ve been drinking< deleted their vote after I started writing and now >>158544 voted.
Hmm. How about we do BOTH?
Regardless of what you do with the situation, I strongly recommend announcing that the vote is called before you start writing. It helps prevent this kind of lunacy in the future.
I don't know how long it takes you to write, but... if you drop this, I would appreciate some notice.

I'm anticipating this as eagerly as I can anticipate a story that hasn't had a single update.
Once a dropper, always a dropper.
You aren't helping.

Thread Watcher x