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In 2011, a sudden crack in the Hakurei Border caused many outsiders to cross, landing in Gensokyo. By the time they expressed the desire to go back, the Border was already fixed, trapping them. Unhappy with this, those outsiders quickly changed things in Gensokyo, using and introducing many new and strange devices. One of them was the radio. Obviously, tengus quickly saw the potential of that invention, and Aya Shameimaru was the first to create her own talk-show, interviewing several Gensokyo figures.
The tape you're going to hear was her first show, recorded on 24th December.
Shameimaru Aya: Is this thing on?
Several high-pitched noises.
Inubashiri Momiji: Yes it is! Look at the red light!
Aya: Can you believe it Momi? I'm just talking here, and everyone can hear me! That's amazing!
Momiji: Not like we couldn't hear you before-
Aya: GOOOOOOD MORNING GENSOOOOOOKYO! My name is Aya Shameimaru! You probably saw me flying over Gensokyo, collecting data and stories from Gensokyo's citizens!
(There's a pause.)
Aya: Momi, how do you call a Gensokyo citizen?
Momiji: I don't know. A Gensokyte?
Aya: My bad, I shouldn't ask her complicated questions. Momi! 1+1?
Momiji: Are you aware that you are insulting all of the wolves?
Aya: Nag nag. That aside, I, Aya, obtained from Lord Tenma the permission to have my own show, and I'm very grateful, and she's so beautiful and pretty and her wings are wonderful and-
Momiji: You do know she's probably listening to you, right?
Aya: And this is my pet dog, Momi, but her nickname is officially 'Bad Dog'.
Momiji: I resent that!
Aya: I don't care! Shenanigans aside, today is the 24th december, and I heard it was a very important day for outsiders, because, you know, I actually did the research and asked them myself and-
Momiji: You eavesdropped on them preparing for this, and you ask the Scarlet Devil's librarian what everything was about.
Aya: Asking a librarian is also part of the research process, doggy.
Momiji: I'm fairly sure that blackmailing her isn't part of that process-
Aya: Details, details. Anyway, that holiday is tomorrow, or so I heard, and it's also a religious holiday, so I brought the expert in religion!
Aya: The one who knows everything about religion!
Aya: The one they call “the wonderful Maiden”.
Aya: Hijiri Byakuren!
(Loud sound of someone falling from her chair.)
Momiji: WHAT? Her? Well, I'm fine with, she's better than that-
(A door opens, and someone enters)
Aya: Lady Byakuren, it's a pleasure to see you here.
Hijiri: Pleasure is mine. I always wanted to express my gratitude toward you for letting me use your printer.
Momiji: I must be deaf, I think I heard something about Aya being nice to someone...
Aya: Hush, doggy. No, no, Lady Byakuren, I admire you, and your work! I'm myself a friend of the human race...
Momiji: ...when you're not flaming and insulting them...
Aya: ...and I enjoy sharing with them...
Momiji: ...sharing the latest gossip and ruining reputations...
Aya: ...because I'm very honest!
Momiji: ...evil and corrupted.
Hijiri: Indeed, this is remarkable from you. You can be proud.
Momiji: Lady Byakuren, no need to pet her ego. She's already a very arrogant person.
Aya: Don't mind the dog, Lady Byakuren, I forgot to bring her a bone, so she's a little grumpy. But, I learned that you were very cultivated about religions, right?
Hijiri: I think that life is about tolerance, and since you're afraid of the unknown, being knowledgeable about people makes you tolerant.
Aya: That's what I always though! I like to consider myself as a very cultivated person myself...
Momiji: Indeed, if we're talking about sexual practices or about booze.
Aya: …but even a person as modest as myself must knows her flaws, and I'm not well-versed about religions.
Hijiri: Knowing your flaw is the way to the enlightenment.
Momiji: I can list all your flaws, but that'll take me several A3 papers.
Aya: So, since you are a saint, and since you are old, you must-
(From this point, several interferences can be heard, making the tape almost impossible to listen to. A panicked scream can be heard.)
Hijiri: EXCUSE ME?
Aya: Nonononono! What I meant, is that, you're very knowledgeable and stuff, a-a-and therefore, you must know... I dunno, stuff!
Hijiri: Indeed I do.
Aya: So, maybe you should, uh, enlighten us, about what that holiday is about?
Hijiri: This holiday is about Christmas. I don't know it for sure, since it's a new religion, but... What's wrong with Miss Inubashiri?
Aya: Oh? Don't mind her, she'll get out of that corner when she'll feel safe again.
Hijiri: Really? Oh anyway. So that Christmas was basically about the birth of a God, but with time passing, his true signification was forgotten. From what I read about it, it's now a day about a bald man named Santa.
Aya: Santa? The Evil from Christian religion?
Hijiri: Indeed. So, as I said, that Christmas day is about work shipping the Evil.
Aya: Is that enough proof to consider that christian cult as an evil cult?
Hijiri:Well, one can't be sure about that, since the outsiders haven't been really hostile. But take care, and don't let the children out tomorrow.
(A chair scrapes against the floor)
Aya: Are you leaving so soon, Lady Byakuren?
Hijiri: I have to. I promised Shou that I would help her to fix the barricades.
Aya: Oh. Thank you for your visit, and take care, the studios are still in construction...
Hijiri: I'll take care, thank you.
(A door opens and closes. A loud scream can be heard, with several objects falling.)
Aya: Well, I warned her. Momi, the scary lady is gone. Momiji? Mmm. Time for some music. Here's something I bought from an outsider.
(“Still Alive” from Coulton plays, while Aya Shameimaru is speaking to Momiji Inubashiri, not knowing that she's still on air.)
Aya: Momi, it's fine! The scary hag is gone! You can come out from under the table now! Momiji, don't make me come and get you!
Aya: Don't growl at me! You're my assistant! The one Lord Tenma designated to assist me! Momiji! No nononono! BAD DOG! BAD DOG!
(The music keeps on, while the sound of a fight can be heard.)
Aya: Stop scratching my clothes! NO! BAD DOG!
(A loud noise is heard. The room is silent, save for Aya Shameimaru.)
Aya: Well, I warned her. This is going to leave a mark. Foolish dog, you can't beat a crow tengu. That should be a lesson for you. Dogs should know their places. Anyway, we here at... my station are the first to say it! Christians are evil and eats children, work shipping Santa! Never trust a christian!
(The music is over now.)
Aya: Aw crap. They couldn't hear me. Well, not like anyone cares about kids anyway. What's the button to put the microphone back on? Can't find it. This one?
Aya: What's that? Some kind of weird instrument? I don't know this one! Must be coming from the outside.
(The same button is pressed several times, with Aya trying to imitate it with her mouth.)
Aya: Hey, that thing is funny. I should bring it to my house later. Ha, that's that button!
Shameimaru Aya: GOOOOOOD MORNING GENSOOOOOOKYO! My name is Aya Shameimaru! This time, I managed to learn how those shiny little things are working, so the emission but be cut too early.
Inubashiri Momiji: What a waste it would be, indeed.
Aya: Anyway, we received a letter from a listener, that our last show wasn't festive enough! So, just to prove this person wrong, I decided we were going to be festive! And to this end, I bought a backscratcher!
Momiji: Aya, that's an arrow.
Aya: It still works as a backscratcher. I fail to see your point.
Momiji: You never bought it. The humans tried to kill you with this.
Aya: Silly doggy, you can't kill people with a backscratcher!
Momiji: Why am I even bothering with you?
Aya: Because you deeply care for me, right?
Momiji: HAHAHAHAHA OH YOU! That aside-
Aya: You can't hide anything from me. I know about your-
Momiji: ANYWAY, festive christmas! I actually did the research, and I discovered that christmas wasn't really about workshipping the devil.
(There's a fart noise.)
Momiji: What's THIS? You're disgusting!
Aya: Each time you're boring, I'll press one of those button randomly. So don't be boring, because I'm pretty sure that one of them opens a shark tank under the studio.
Momiji: What? Who the hell was crazy enough to place a shark tank under the studio? No, nevermind that, how did they gained the sharks to begin with? There's ain't no sea in Gensokyo.
Aya: Aaaah, you're so pure, Momiji. And yet so simple. You're still thinking in three dimensions. As the gap youkai said, you have to think with portals.
Momiji: … Actually, that sounds like a pathetic excuse to avoid the topic.
Aya: In fact, I asked the Scarlet Devil's librarian to create these sharks! They are MAGIC sharks, created from clay!
Momiji: So it's a Wizard Did It excuse now? Why can't you admit it? We. Don't. Have. A shark tank.
Aya: Let's find this out! If I press this button, we'll find out!
Momiji: ANYWAY! This is our second broadcasting, and we received lot of feedback from listeners. I'll open a few letters now.
Aya: Ah, I like that part.
Momiji: First letter is anonymous. It says: “I WARNED YOU ABOUT THE OLD HAD HIJIRI! I WARNED YOU!”. All in capitals.
Aya: Sounds like a personal revenge if you ask me.
Momiji: Second letter is not signed either. It says “hey retarded faggots lol X-mas isn't about Santa lol u fag mad? its about Coca Cola and a jew conspiration to take over the world”.
Aya: Sounds like someone should consult a doctor.
Momiji: Third letter is from Lord Tenma. And it's for you, Aya.
Aya: GIMME THAT!
(Sound of a paper being torn apart.)
Momiji: So, is she forbidding the show?
Aya: No, she's inviting me on a secret date.
Momiji: Not so secret now. Anyway, fourth letter is from God. That's what it says. “I happen to appreciate your show, but I am disgusted by the lack of accurate researches”. Well, that one's got a point.
Momiji: Your opinion about that?
Aya: I wonder what I should wear.
Momiji: Right... So, to answer your question, uh, God, that's true. Aya never actually researches anything by herself. She just listens to a story floating around, and completes it with her own fantasies.
Aya: He he he he...
Momiji: Eww, stop drooling! Well, as I said, we tengus don't know much about christmas. All I know is that it's festive, and that it's about a fat and bald red-white man.
Momiji: I still can't believe that wacky miko isn't involved in that christmas thing. I mean, red-white? Check. Beats up bad kids? Check, if you consider gods as kids.
Aya: This is going to be wonderful...
Momiji: Well... I didn't want to admit it, but I'm afraid we'll have to stop here. I feel like I'm talking to myself, and that's pretty uncomfortable. Beside, unlike Aya, I'm certainly not going to talk about something if I don't know anything about it. See you tomorrow!
(A heavy chair moves. Several footsteps.
Aya: No, you can't do that, Lord Tenma, he he he he...
Momiji: If I remember right, the button to stop the emission is this one!
(Loud sirens. Sounds of irons curtains closing.
Momiji: What? What? Was it the bunker mode instead?
Aya: NO, YOU FOOL! THAT WAS THE SHARK TANK BUTTON!
(Loud noise as the ground opens, sending the girls in the shark tank.)
Momiji: THIS IS YOUR FAULT! IF I DIE HERE I'LL HAUNT YOU FOREVER!
(The emission is automatically cut, due to the studio's auto-censorship system.)
Oh my god what was the heck was the what the what the what?
Keep it up!
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Himekaidou Hatate: Good morning Gensokyo! My name is Hatate, and I'll be hosting this show until Aya and Momiji are back from the hospital! I don't really know what happened, since nobody told me, but that's-
(The door opens. Several footsteps. Something is given to Hatate. More footsteps. The door closes.)
Hatate: That's a letter from the show's producer. He says not to talk about Aya. Also, it seems that the topic for today is Christmas. And that's a good new, since I brought a specialist about Christmas!
(The door opens again.)
Hatate: Behold the Mountain Goddess, Lady Yaka!
Kanako: It's Kanako Yasaka.
Hatate: Ha! My apologies!
Kanako: That's nothing. Everybody can makes mistakes.
(A distant froggy laugh can be heard.)
Hatate: What... Did you heard something too?
Kanako: I heard NOTHING.
Hatate: Ah, okay... Anyway, yeah, Christmas. We youkai don't really know this, since it's a recent holiday, especially here in Gensokyo. So, what is it?
Kanako: Christmas is a holiday for the Christian religion. If I'm right, I think it's the most important day in the christian calendar.
Hatate: I heard that it was about work shipping the devil and sacrificing kids during lustful orgy. Is that true?
Kanako: No. If anything, christianism is against sacrifice, and against lust.
Hatate: So no orgy then?
Kanako: Who said there were orgies during Christmas?!
Hatate: Well, Aya did... But she was probably... A-actually it was a joke! Isn't that funny? Ahahahaha!
(Another soft froggy laugh can be heard in the background.)
(Sound of something being kicked. The laugh stops abruptly.)
Hatate: Umm... Yeah, so Christmas is a special day, right? Why is it that special?
Kanako: Well, that's complicated. Basically, Christianism has only one god, unlike any other religion.
(Transcripter's note: Miss Yasaka seems totally ignorant about Judaism and Islam.)
Hatate: That's very interesting! But the producer is knocking against the glass wall, so I think he's trying to tell us to switch to some, uh... Advertisement? Advert? Hold on, the producer is writing something on the wall.
Kanako: … Is he writing what I think he's writing?
Hatate: It... looks like that way... Anyway, ads time!
(Gensokyo's radio first publicity is on radio. It's mostly publicity from the kappas engineers. After a few minutes, the show is back on air.)
Kanako: Are you feeling all right?
Hatate: I... I'll get better.
Kanako: I'm sorry, I'll ask Sanae to stop selling charms.
Hatate: N-no need to bother yourself. I guess I really screwed things up.
Kanako: Umm, maybe we should get back on tracks? I'll talk to that human later.
Hatate: No! No! I mean, thank you, but this is really my fault, I screwed the show!
Kanako: Even if you were bad, there's still no need for a language like that! And what with that thing, anyway?
Hatate: Can we talk about something else than me being beaten by a human?
Kanako: What, are we on air?
Hatate: Yes we are. And I'm dead for good.
(There's a knocking noise.)
Kanako: Oh, he's here again. Waving a paper.
Hatate: What's written on it?
Kanako: “I can open the shark tank from here, so do the goddamn interview or your ass will be mine!” What a crude language!
(Little froggy giggle.)
Hatate: A shark tank? T-t-there's a SHARK TANK? Nobody told me anything about a shark tank being here!
Kanako: Maybe we should keep talking about Christmas, then?
Hatate: Yeah! Yeah! Let's do this! So, Christmas was originally a christian holiday, but what about that fat old man I see everywhere?
Kanako: Well, that's different. Originally, Christmas was a day where you were supposed to be happy, but it turned out to be a day where you have to offer gifts to the people you like.
Hatate: How is that related to that old man?
Kanako: That old man is named “Satan Claus”. He's... more or less the embodiment of that “new” Christmas spirit.
Hatate: He's an embodiment? So he doesn't really exist?
Kanako: Theoretically, he doesn't. But we're in Gensokyo, and everything is possible.
(A froggy voice whispers something about Lady Yasaka being a morning person, and mention that as being impossible. Nobody in the studio notice.)
Hatate: So there's a possibility we might encounter him during that holiday?
Kanako: Honestly, I do not know. I studied that religion because it was a threat, but I never really tried to understand its custom.
Hatate: Oh. So I guess the interview is over, then?
Kanako: Unless you want me to ramble about how Sanae is a very reliable person, totally unlike that wacky miko from-
(Loud knocking noise.)
Hatate: Ah! Ah! Yes, right now!
(Hatate presses a button, triggering a loud fart noise and interrupting Lady Yasaka's sentence.)
Kanako: I take that as a no. Farewell then.
(Obviously offended, the goddess leaves, shutting the door very brutally.)
Hatate: I guess I offended her... I hope Miss Aya will be back soon. Running this show while being alone is really difficult.
(Soft knocking noise.)
Hatate: Ah, the producer is showing me another paper! Hmmm? “Talk about, I dunno, how you consider christmas”? Well, I'm not really into religions, but if I had to choose, I think I'm rather Shintoist than Christian. Oh, I learned that there was a Taoist shrine somewhere in Gensokyo, but Aya told me that they were evil, and that they were all having sado-masochist orgies. So I wanted to join them, but-
(VERY loud knocking noise. Sounds more like someone is punching the glass rather than just knocking it.)
Hatate: What now? “We don't give a goddamn shit about your sexual life, you crow whore. Especially during the day, children are listening.” Oh, I'm sorry, I kind of forgot! What is he writing now? “I don't care, do your job!” Ha, yes, right now! Well, Christmas is... a holiday... And it's about... giving gifts to people you like...
(After a while, Hatate breaks down and cries.)
Hatate: I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I don't know what else to say! What am I supposed to do? It's like I'm talking alone, except that this time, there's nobody to listen to me! I'm really sorry, I can't do it!
(The door opens again. The show's producer enters in the room.)
????????: I'm paying you to speak, so SPEAK! You're a crow tengu, you should be able to do, for Patch's sake!
Hatate: I'm sorry boss! I don't know what to say!
????????: Did you read those books I gave you?
Hatate: Yes, and I even wrote some notes to help me remember! But Lady Yasaka said everything I wanted to say!
????????: Fine, FINE! We're going to stop the show, so stop crying!
Hatate: I'm sorry, I messed everything!
????????: Ugh, that's not your fault. Well, not TOTALLY your fault....
(Hatate stops crying.)
????????: Yeah. It's usually very stressing to run a show. Should gave you a pardner or something.
Hatate: It's not my fault I messed up?
????????: Well, it IS your fault. Let's say it's not 100% your fault.
????????: Screw this, I'm going home.
(The show suddenly cuts. The auto-censorship was deactivated by the new show producer. In a retaliation for his obnoxious attitude, many letters were sent to Hatate. That did helped her a bit, just enough to lodge a complaint against the producer. He got officially fired soon after that, and became the show director.)
Back on topic! What is Christmas? Who knows more about Christmas? Why is Aya in the hospital? Who is the mysterious Producer? What did he used to beat Hatate? Is Hatate really that weak to stress?
Aya: “Gah” to you too Momiji. Nice to see you recovered from that shark attack.
Aya: Yeeaaahh.. Perhaps you still need some time, right?
Aya: Anyway, Aya is here! You favourite DJ is here! Well, I don't know what is a DJ, but it sounds awesome, so I'm obviously one!
Aya: Well said Momiji! Also, I heard that while I was... recovering, that sneaky Hatate tried to take over my show! That's really sneaky, but that's Hatate all right!
Aya: I think I'll go consult that moon woman at the Eientei. Can't let my doggy dog be that awful.
Aya: Anyway, I received a letter from the show director, and I'm going to read it aloud! “You bunch of morons. Anon says that this thread isn't festive enough, so make it festive or you're fired.” I love receiving love letters in the morning! Put me in a good mood!
Aya: So, yeah, since we're going to be festive, I decided to bring my favourite movie! Ladies and gentlemen, behold Once Upon a Time in the West!
(Loud knocking noise)
Aya: What? What, I can't broadcast a movie? Copywhat? What the hell is a copyright?
(VERY loud knocking noise)
Aya: I get it, I get it! No movie! Fine, fine, we're speaking about Christmas again!
Aya: Momiji, are you all right? I know that shark bit your head, but you took stronger hit than that, right?
Aya:. … ANYWAYYYY! Christmas, yeah. So, the other day, I went to the Human Village. I was disguised, of course. They started throwing eggs at me when I started that show, so now I'm not going there any more, and they were placing weird lights all over the place.
Aya: You said it Momiji. I bet they're planning to start a fire, to workship their horrible and devil fat god!
Aya: Hu? Okay, time for some tunes.
(The music starts, but the studio is still on air. The door opens brutally.)
Director: What the flying fuck are you doing? I told you to be FESTIVE, not to tell about your life nobody's give a flying fuck about!
Aya: You're the director! Where's my text? Am I supposed to be improvising? Tell me what I'm supposed to do!
Director: You see that huge cock sucking mouth of you? USE IT ABOUT CHRISTMAS! Is that too complicated for you?
Aya: Hey! Don't talk to me like that! You're not my boss!
Director: You're on MY payroll. I'm your boss. If I want to call you a whore, I'll do it!
Aya: … Yeah, but you're bald! Your argument is incorrect!
Director: WHAT? I'm not bald! What kind of trickery is that?
(The music stops, but the studio is unaware that they're on air)
Aya: I'm sexier than you, so I'm making the rules!
Director: That's fucking retarded! Can't you even run a show, you crow whore?
Aya: I can run any kind of show, you... human!
Director: What a talent for repartee. You're gonna get far with this one.
Aya: I know.
Director: THAT WAS FUCKING SARCASM!
(From this point, several buttons are pressed, while Aya and the Director are making strange noises. They're probably fighting.)
Aya: Speaking about repartee, why aren't you the one running this show, since you freaking know everything?
Director: Gnnn... I should be the one running it, since you're too dumb to run properly!
Aya: What's the problem? Let go of my leg! You told me it was about Christmas! I spoke about Christmas!
Director: Stop pulling my hair! Can't you do what they call RESEARCH? You know, just in case you might want to know what you're talking about?
Aya: Aouch! Are you BITING me? You can't run a show, and you're always telling me what to do! I'm a reporter, I know how it works!
Director: Talk about nonsense! That radio is more serious than your stupid newspaper will ever be! Now let go of my arm!
Aya: My NEWSPAPER IS STUPID! You shouldn't have said that!
Director: AAAAAouch my arm!
Aya: How does it feel to be a lowly human? You're so weak you can't even stand for yourself!
Director: Maybe I'm a human, but at least I'm not constantly repeating my name like a pokemon!
(Aya gasps loudly)
Aya: How... how... HOW DARE YOU!
Director: No, how dare YOU! I PAY you, you WHORE, to run that show, and you can't even do your own job!
Aya: Comparing me to a pokemon...
(Loud crashing noise. Several buttons are pressed. Aya is probably crushing the Director's face against the desk)
Aya: SAY YOU'RE SORRY! SAY IT!
Director: FUCK YOU!
(Loud siren. Sounds of iron curtains shutting the room.)
Aya: Oh no... Did you just pressed the shark tank button?
Inubashiri Momiji: Gee. Aya. What do you wanna do tonight?
Shameimaru Aya: The same thing we do every night, Momi. Trying to take over the world.
Director: They're Momi and Aya. They're Momi and Aya. One is a genius, the other's insane. They're laboratory tengus. They're Momi, Momi and Ayayayayayayaya.
Aya: Well, that was awful.
Momiji: I agree with Aya.
Director: Fuck you, it was awesome.
Director: Dear listeners, I think I owe you some explanation. You can hear Aya and Momiji perfectly, but they're not in the studio right now. After the shark incident, we trapped the kappa in the studio, and we opened the shark tank one more time. Long story short, we're short on manpower now. So, I'm currently in the studio, while Aya and Momiji are investigating outside. You can hear them thank to the radio. They're going investigate, in real time. Isn't that awesome?
Aya: As long as they're not using that to hunt us...
Momiji: Get over that Aya. It was either that either being fired.
Director: Anyway, explanation aside, Aya is currently near the Human Village to witness the horrible ceremony that the outsiders are about to accomplish.
Momiji: I brought some popcorn.
Aya: Are you heartless Momiji? We're talking about killing babies and raping virgins!
Momiji: One day, I'm going to ask Lord Tenma to send you in an asylum.
Aya: Haaa, Lord Tenma.
Momiji: How did that date go, anyway?
Director: HEY! What about the village? I'm not paying you to talk about your lesbian date with Tenma!
Momiji: Speaking about that, since Lord Tenma is female, why do we keep calling her a Lord instead of a Lady.
Aya: Go ask the Eientei rabbit why she calls Yagokoro 'Master' instead of 'Mistress', and maybe I'll invent something plausible to avoid answering your question.
Director: You know, that device you're using... I can make it emit a really loud sound. Don't disappoint me, or I'll make sure the villagers you insulted will find you, pokemon.
Aya: Ga... That's below the belt.
Director: That's your fault if I have to do such things. You destroyed my baseball bat.
Momiji: What? What? You did what?
Aya: He was using a baseball bat, improved with many Hakurei and Moriya charms. I destroyed it. Burned it down.
Director: And that's why you're outside, in the cold, while I'm sitting here drinking a warm tea.
Momiji: And why am I with Aya? I had nothing to do with that thing!
Aya: How DARE you betray me!
Director: Betraying your boss, are you? That's clever from you.
Momiji: N-no! That's not what I meant! I m-mean...
Aya: Shut up. Let's observe.
Director: Yeah, tell me what's happening. Try to focus more than five minutes on something.
Aya: I CAN focus! What do you think I -ooooooh shiny!
Director: Momiji! It's up to you!
(There's a muffled noise.)
Momiji: Have no fear, director, Aya won't be a problem any more.
Director: Wonderful. Now, can you see what's happening in the village? We still need to talk about Christmas.
Momiji: Well, the village is decorated. Paper chains everywhere, and fairies lights here and here.
Director: What colour?
Momiji: Oh? Hum, mostly warm colors. Red, orange, yellow... That kind of light, you see? Chinese lantern.
Director: I'm not going to ask how you know what a chinese lantern is.
Momiji: They also placed baskets all over the village. And they filled them with sweets things.
Director: Mmm-mmm. Keep on.
Momiji: And... chocolate...
Director: Chocolate? Did you said... CHOCOLATE?
(Momiji's voice gradually fades.)
Director: Momiji! Momiji! Can you hear me? Don't go near the chocolate! It's... I dunno, it's evil! It'll kill you! Momiji! MOMIJIIIIIIII!
(There's a long silence.)
Director: Maybe Christmas is really cursed, after all. Maybe I should give up or something...
Aya: Mmm... My head...
Director: AYA! Can you hear me? AYA! ANSWER!
Aya: Ayayaya... Don't shout like that... Hair of a dog...
Director: Cool story but listen! Momiji's gone to take some chocolate! DON'T LET HER EAT CHOCOLATE!
Aya: Hu? What? Chocolate? Why not?
Director: DOGS CAN'T EAT CHOCOLATE!
Aya: Hu? But she's not a dog, she's a white wolf tengu thing...
Director: Riveting tale, chap, but GO!
Aya: Aaaaw... And here I was hoping I could get some coffee...
Director: Take the radio with you Aya. Aya?
(Several buttons are pressed, resulting in several noises.)
Director: I feel tired... Whatever, let's call it a day. Now, what's the good button?
Director: DOOOOOOOM... Not that one.
(James Bond theme plays.)
Director: Pffff... Screw that, I'm going home.
(Sounds of a chair rattling, and several footsteps, followed by the door closing.)
(The door opens and closes. Several footsteps can be heard.)
?????????: Is this thing on? Okay, listen to that message: “You have to sprinkle the private.” I repeat: “You have to sprinkle the private.”
?????????: Well, since I'm here, I want to say “hello” to my Mistress, Lady Saig-
(The door opens suddenly.)
Director: I see a black door and I want it painted red ~ No colors anymore I want them to turn red
????????: Ha, shoot!
Director: What? WHAT? Who are you and what are you doing here?
?????????: Ha, w-well, I... though it was empty.
Director: It's private. Go away before I call the police.
?????????: The what?
Director: Ha, crap, I forgot you don't have police here. I meant, go away before I … Hmmm...
?????????: I'm listening...
Director: BEFORE I DECIDE TO SUDDENLY RAPE YOU!
Director: HA HA! You weren't expecting that one, hu? Gotcha!
?????????: How rude from you! I'll teach how to treat a girl!
Director: BRING IT ON! I'LL PAINT YOU INTO A COMA, AND MAKE CAKE FROM YOU!
?????????: “The Blade that Splits the sea”!
Director: Holy batman breast, I don't know that one. But that doesn't matter! You will be baked, and then I'll have some cake!
(Loud crushing sound. Director's pained groan can be hear, and then, silence.)
?????????: Hu... That wasn't supposed to happen. I hope my Lady won't be disappointed...
(The door closes. The room is silent, save for Director's difficult respiration.)
Shameimaru Aya: Hello there, dear listener! I'm so happy that you're still listening to this, I'm going to sing you the theme of our-
Inubashiri Momiji: AYA, SHUSH! She's still around.
Aya: What? I thought she went back home!
Momiji: This is her home, you know?
Aya: Usually, I would ask how you know so much about underground youkai, but quite frankly I don't care.
Momiji: For Pete's sake, don't you remember?
Aya: Remember what? The angry mob?
Momiji: You sent the miko underground!
Aya: I did?
Momiji: I really wonder if you're joking or if you really have a birdbrain.
Aya: I don't have a birdbrain! How dare you insinuate that I, a great crow tengu, would- oh hey, that place looks perfect to build a nest!
Momiji: Oookay. So, since Miss Aya is currently busy trying to make a nest with rocks, I guess it's up to me to explain what's going on. You see, Aya and I are both in hell right now.
Aya: And it's a nice place! It's really hot! I like it!
Momiji: Yeah, right. I would like to tell you how and why we're in hell, but it's kinda complicated and very humiliating.
Aya: What? Not at all! Listen to me, dear listener. I was busy taking Momiji around, because she was scratching at the door, and then-
Momiji: I'm fairly sure he's not interested, Miss Aya. Why do you want to tell him that?
Aya: -but then, there was an angry mob from the village! And you see, I'm used to angry mob, in fact I'm so used to them that when there's a day where I'm not chased by one, it feels like an incomplete day, so anyway-
Momiji: HE'S NOT INTERESTED!
Aya: -so I went up there, and I saw that human followed by a celestial, a doll, and two green-haired youkais, so I decided to follow them, but then-
Aya: -but then, it was incredible, because we were in the caves, and Momiji was sniffing around and trying to mark her territory like a dog, but then she started pissing on a sleeping youkai, and then-
Momiji: KAGOME, KAGOME, THE BIRD IN THE CAGE, WHO'S THAT RIGHT BEHIND YOOOOU?
Aya: -and so we had to run away from another angry mob, so we landed here.
Momiji: As I said, it was very humiliating and totally uncalled for.
Aya: Come on Momiji! Don't be shy! Cute girls are the real deal after all.
Momiji: Besides, you forgot that part when you frantically tried to fly, despite the fact that we were underground. I had to put my hands on your eyes to calm you down!
Aya: Hey, what do you know? Sometimes, even a great tengu such as myself can succumb to an unfathomable fear.
Momiji: What does that mean?
Aya: I dunno, but it sounds cool, so I use it anyway.
Momiji: I think I understood why your newspaper is so unpopular.
(sounds of someone being slapped)
Aya: That's defamation! My newspaper is very popular!
Momiji: Oh really? Mind explaining me why you're always chased by an angry mob then?
Aya: That's what they do outside!
Momiji: They're being chased by angry mobs outside too!? What a weird world we're living in. Back in the days-
Aya: Yeah, totally! And besides, Outside's angry mobs are better equipped than Gensokyo's angry mobs! They even have flashes!
Momiji: Angry mobs with flashes? You mean paparazzi?
Aya: Yeah, paparazzis.
Momiji: That's paparazzo. You don't say paparazzis.
Aya: You said it.
Momiji: It was singular!
Aya: Too complicated. That aside, it's pretty hot down here, isn't it?
Momiji: I can see the punchlines from here. You're going to ask me to undress you, right? You're always like that, you stupid horny crow.
Momiji: Aw shit. Don't tell it it broke, it's an overused line.
Aya: How dare you even suggest that I might be attracted by another girl!
Momiji: Weren't you turned on by Lord Tenma earlier? And isn't she a girl?
Aya: Don't be stupid Momiji. If he was a girl, he would be named “Lady Tenma”. Not “Lord Tenma”.
Momiji: That reminds me, when the Hakurei came back from the moon, she said something about a Watatsuki girl, right? Her name was Yorihime, if I remember right.
Aya: What a memory. And why do you bring that up?
Momiji: Doesn't “hime” means “princess”? If that's the case, then Yorihime would be translated as “Princess Yori”, right?
Aya: Sorry, I was busy picking my nose. You said something?
Momiji: Nevermind that.
Aya: Also, what are we doing here exactly?
Momiji: You mean except running away from an angry mob?
Aya: Yeah. We did had a plan earlier, right? What happened to this plan?
Momiji: Look in your brain. I guess it's lost, along with 'common sense', 'humility', and 'respect'.
Aya: ARGH, FINE! All right! You know what? You win!
Momiji: What do I win?
Aya: Once we're back to the studio, I'll ask the kappas to repair the bathroom.
Momiji: FINALLY! The bathrooms will work once again.
Aya: Yeah. The toilets will work, and you'll be able to drink.
Momiji: … Hey wait a minute, you-
Momiji: What? She's here?
Aya: No, I just wanted you to duck.
Momiji: WHY YOU!
(various sounds of someone being strangled)
Aya: Let... go of... me!
?????????: UNKNOWN SUBSTANCE PRESENT IN THE REACTOR, FOLLOW ORDER 8676.
Momiji: What the hell?
Aya: We're right in the hell, you stupid dog!
?????????: ORGANIC LIFEFORM, REVEAL YOUR PRESENCE. IF YOU DON'T, ORDER 8676 WILL ENSUES, CAUSING THE WHOLE AREA TO BE PURIFIED.
Momiji: Purified? She's going to seal us?
Aya: Hey, wait! WAIT! Give me more details about this purification!
?????????: LIFEFORM DETECTED, ORDER 8676 IS CANCELLED, INITIATE ORDER 23.
(sounds of a dog whimpering)
Aya: WAIT! You're a bird, I'm a bird, can't we get along together?
?????????: FRIENDSHIP REQUEST DENIED. PLEASE EVACUATE THE AREA BEFORE PURIFICATION.
Aya: What's the purification?
?????????: PURIFICATION CONSIST OF A MINI STAR FILLING THE WHOLE AREA, RESULTING OF TOTAL PURIFICATION THROUGH NUCLEAR SUBREACTION. IT IS ADVICED TO BE ABSENT FROM THE AREA DURING THE PROCESS.
Aya: Yeah, I can figure why. I don't know what those nuclear thingies are, but I guess they're probably as painful as Hakurei's charms.
?????????: STATEMENT INCORRECT. THE WHOLE PROCESS IS PAINLESS.
Aya: That's good to know.
?????????: BECAUSE INSIDE THE STAR, TEMPERATURE WILL QUICKLY REACH 15,000,000K, APPROXIMATELY 14,999,727°C. THE LIFEFORM WILL BE ASHES BEFORE REALIZING IT.
Aya: Okay, that's pretty bad. How much time do we have left before the purification begins?
?????????: IT IS TOO LATE. YOUR TIME IS ALREADY TIMEOUT. PREPARE FOR IMPACT.
Aya: I guess it's over for today, please stay on this channel, and next time, we'll definitely discover what Christmas really is!
(Several explosions. Someone screams. A dog bay at the moon.)
Where are the tengus?
Are they still in Gensokyo?
Will Momiji finally admit her undying love for Aya?
Will Momiji accept the sad truth that angry mobs aren't a mark of respect?
So much questions, and so few answers.
Stay tuned, dear readers, for you'll soon know what's happening in the strange world of Gensokyo!
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Shameimaru Aya: Hello again, dear listener! This time, we're locked in a very strange building!
Inubashiri Momiji: It's called a police station.
Aya: How do you know that? ARE YOU A WIZARD?
Momiji: No. I just listened what people where saying when we got arrested.
Aya: Yeah, about that, I don't really understand that part.
Momiji: You mean getting arrested?
Aya: Yes. Is there something we did wrong?
Momiji: I don't know. Is kicking someone being curled in a ball a crime?
Aya: That was his fault! Anyone else would've fought back instead of crying!
Momiji: I feel awful about that. I though he was going to attack us, and I kicked him right in the...
Aya: In the?
Momiji: The... most important part.
Aya: You hit him in the camera? This is awful. Even I don't do that.
Aya: I don't get it.
Momiji: Too complicated for you.
Aya: But that's beside the point! So, dear listener, allow me to sum up the situation.
Momiji: Go on.
Aya: We've been wrongfully accused by some stupid cop, and we're going to daringly escape!
Momiji: What does “daringly” means?
Aya: I don't know but that sounds cool!
Momiji: Make me laugh just a little more, and please explain how “we” are going to daringly escape.
Aya: We do it the oni way!
Momiji: Does that mean getting everyone in the building completely drunk?
Aya: Close, but that's not that! The oni way is the simpler way!
Momiji: And this is?
Aya: Remember that film Nitori showed me?
Aya: Aaaaw, why? It was an awesome film!
Momiji: Because Nitori showed it to you. Not to me.
Aya: Are you implying you never used that power of you to watch film for free?
Momiji: I never did. When I'm working, I'm serious, unlike someone I know.
Aya: Yes, yes, Hatate is suck a lazy idiot.
Momiji: I was not talking about her.
Aya: So, anyway, here's the plan. First, we do it the oni way. Then, we do it the doctor way.
Momiji: Hey, wait a moment-
(Very loud crash.
Momiji: You... YOU BROKE THE WALL!
Aya: Big deal. The oni way is completed! Now it's time for the doctor way!
Momiji: And that is? Waiting for them to get mad at us for breaking their stuff?
Aya: Nope. Running away. Quickly, if possible.
Aya: Can you make it? You're just a wolf, after all.
Momiji: Hold yar tongue, mate, or you'll be waving your head goodbye pretty soon.
Aya: Hey, your Australian lineage is showing.
Momiji: What? I don't have an Australian lineage.
Aya: As much as I would like to confabulate with you, I think that we should run away.
Momiji: Speak for yourself, mate. I'll be flying.
File 133668971291.jpg- (121.96KB
, they're so cute when they're young.jpg
Shameimaru Aya: You okay, Momiji?
Inubashiri Momiji: J-just hold me, okay?
Aya: How nice from you, Momiji!
Momiji: Stop fooling around, that's really not the good time!
Aya: I know, I know. But you know, we...
Aya: The red light is on, we're currently broadcasting!
Momiji: Ha crap! Can you help me first? We can explain everything later!
Aya: Impossible Momiji. The listener goes first.
Momiji: Aya, don't do that!
Aya: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Momiji, but I have no choice.
Momiji: MY ASS YOU HAVE NO CHOICE!
Aya: I'll remember you forever, Momiji.
Momiji: YOU WHOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRREEEE!
(Momiji's voice fades away.)
Aya: This is very sad. Allow me to explain what happened, dear listener. I think you can remember that, somehow, Momiji and I managed to sneak out of Gensokyo totally on purpose, and it wasn't an accident. Well, apparently we landed in the Outside World, and, for some reason, we can't fly here. Momiji tried, and she fell to her death.
(Momiji's voice fades in, along with fast footsteps.)
Momiji: YOU WHOOOOOOOOREEEEEEEE!
Aya: So long, Momiji. You were good, girl. Maybe even the best. I'll remember you.
Momiji: EVERYTHING ABOVE YOUR NECK IS GOING TO BE FINE RED MIST!
Aya: Aaaah, Momiji, you're alive!
(Sound of a huge blade slashing the air.
Momiji: You're dead! I swear to Lord Tenma, you're so dead! You're so dead that your funeral ain't gonna be open casked!
Aya: How nice to see you again Momiji, I honestly though you were done for.
Momiji: Ain't nothing like a small fall like this one to get the best of me, ya punter!
(Several sound of a huge blade slashing the air.)
Aya: Then why were you so afraid to fall? No, in fact, nevermind that, the real question is: WHY DO YOU STINK SO MUCH?
Momiji: BECAUSE YOU DROPPED ME IN THE SEWER, YOU BLOODY CROW SHOP OWNER!
Aya: That's disgusting! But I should be used to your strange doggy habits by now.
Aya: I mean, dogs do that, right? Finding a huge and disgusting thing, and happily jumping in.
Momiji: I AM NOT A DOG!
(Loud noise as the blade breaks the concrete.)
Aya: Oooh, scary scary. But speaking about scary stuff, where d'you got that sword?
Momiji: I was wearing it the whole time, you bloody whackjob! Look like you need glasses, you blind-eyed bastard!
Aya: Anyway, as you can hear, dear listener, Momiji is very grumpy when she's wet.
Momiji: And whose fault is this?!?
Aya: And as you can hear, she's also totally unfair.
(As this point, Momiji stops talking and simply barks and growls.)
No plan, no sleep, no proofread, no plot. Just Aya being Aya and Momiji thinking she's australian.
File 133710547295.jpg- (428.82KB
, a winner is me.jpg
Inubashiri Momiji: Is it on?
Shameimaru Aya: Yes it is! Hello again, dear listener! As you can remember, we're stuck in the outside world for something probably unrelated to that giant explosion from yesterday.
Momiji: I heard there was no survivors.
Aya: Don't be grumpy, Momiji. So anyway, I just had the best idea I ever had!
Momiji: You're finally going to sit when visiting the bathroom? Great new, I'm tired of cleaning after you.
Aya: Of course not, don't be silly. Sitting is a waste of time and I need to be fast.
Momiji: And I need to clean after, just like always. I swear to Lord Tenma, it's like watching a toddler.
Aya: So my idea was, since we're here, why not keep on the investigation on chrismas?
Momiji: Great. And your idea was...?
Aya: That was my idea, Momiji.
Momiji: I'm really getting tired at this rate. You probably don't know, dear listener, but we spent the night in a dark alley, and it was horrible, with fleas everywhere.
Aya: Luckily, they all went on Momiji. That's why crows are superior over dogs!
Someone passing by: Excuse me, Miss?
Aya: Hu? Yeah, what's up?
Someone passing by: I think I just heard about saying something about crows and dogs, right?
Momiji: Wolves. She said something about wolves.
Someone passing by: Ah? Sorry then, I don't know shit about wolves, so forgive me and I'll be going.
Momiji: Wait! Wait! Please wait!
Someone passing by: What is it? Oh, you're a cosplayer?
Momiji: Yeah, probably. But do you know how we can return to Gensokyo?
Someone passing by: Gensokyo? The land of fantasy?
Aya: Yes! That one!
Someone passing by: That land with fairies and tengus flying around in miniskirts?
Momiji: Yes! This one!
Someone passing by: That land where all girls are lesbians?
Someone passing by: Sorry, I dunno.
Momiji: He left... Aya, what the hell was that about?
Aya: It seems that the outside world is somehow aware of our existence.
Momiji: And aware of your clothing habits and sexual fantasies.
Aya: What do we do?
Momiji: I dunno. You're the boss, remember? I'm too tired to think right now, so think by yourself.
Aya: Momi, this is going to be the paper of the CENTURY!
Momiji: You said the same thing last week when you discovered that the dark youkai-
Momiji: -had a boyfriend from the outside world, and that they were using the Hakurei Shrine to meet each other.
Aya: Rumia's sexual practices won't be as interesting as this! I mean, this is about security! Isn't Gensokyo supposed to be a haven for us youkais? Is the outside world knows us, it'll get even the gap sage interested!
Momiji: The gap sage? Oh, you mean the Queen in Purple?
Aya: Yeah, her too.
Momiji What do you mean by 'her too'? They're not the same-
Policeman: Stop right there!
Policeman: I remember your face, you insolent little brat.
Aya: Oh, you're that guy from the police station! How are you?
Policeman: I'm arresting you right now!
Aya: What for?
Policeman: You attacked a teenagers without any provocation, you destroyed the police station's wall, and you stole my watch!
Momiji: You stole his WATCH?
Aya: It was so shiny, I couldn't resist.
Policeman: If you were my daughter, I would slap you in the face several time before sending you to your room, but you're not.
Aya: Thanks for mentioning that, I had a doubt.
Momiji: Policemen are so useful. Damn good thing we have one with us.
Policeman: SILENCE! We're returning to the station, and you're coming with me!
Aya: That's a very straightforward invitation.
Momiji: How bold, asking a young maiden like that...
Policeman: I'm not asking anything... Don't try to confuse me, it won't work! I've been married, you know!
Policeman: I've been married THREE TIMES!
Momiji: Oh my Lord!
Aya: This is amazing!
Policeman: Isn't it? Now stop resisting and come back to the poli-
Aya: Excuse me, but what's christmas?
Policeman: Hu? Well, I dunno, but I know that each year, there's a special program. Or is it for the New Year? I'm not sure, both things are happening at the same time...
Aya: A special program? Can you tell me more?
Policeman: Well, it's at the TV, so if you want more informations, you should go by yourself and see if-
(The policeman's voice fades)
Momiji: Aya, I'm not sure that's a good idea. We can't fly, we don't have any money; in fact we don't have anything except our clothes, my sword, and your recorder.
Aya: That'll be enough for the scoop, Momiji! We won't need anything else!
Momiji: I'm not worried about the scoop, I'm worried about us!
Aya: Funny, I thought that, since you were a white wolf and all that, you would be worried about your job first.
Momiji: My job here is to make sure you're not goofing around.
Aya: Aaah, yeah, I forgot the chaperon part.
Momiji: I'm not doing that for your sake, you know? It's just my job.
Aya: Yeah, yeah, I got it.
Momiji: So, what's the plan?
Aya: Very simple. We go in the building, we ask questions, we get answers, we get out the building, we go back to Gensokyo, and I take a shower.
Momiji: I like that plan so far, save for the shower part.
Aya: Now, now, it's not like something can go wrong, right?