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Eirin hands you a cup of tea, and gestures for you to sit down, across the small table from her. “Thank you for your time, Meiling.”

You shake your head. “It's no problem, really. Glad to help.”

Eirin sighs. “She won't even come out of her room anymore since she got that game. Even Mokou's started to miss her.”

You sip your tea. A nice, simple green tea. “What game?”

Eirin shrugs. “I don't know. I've never bothered to learn the names or the titles.”

Maybe she'd be more willing to come out of her room if more people shared her hobbies. But you leave that thought unsaid, as that would be rude and uncalled for. “You know she won't go easy.”

Eirin shrugs. “Whatever. She's immortal. Punch her through the wall if you have to.” She pauses. “Please don't punch her through the wall. I have to replace those.”

You take another drink of her tea, and savor the warmth. I've been around for thousands of years, and still the tea soothes and calms. “Alright,” you say, draining the last of the tea. “No time like the present to get started.”

“She's just upstairs,” Eirin says. “Follow the noise, I guess.”

You pad lightly up the stairs, following the sounds of battle and violence, occasionally interspersed with catchphrases you can't quite make out.

Finally, you reach the room all the noise is coming from, and you slide the door open, to see Kaguya mashing buttons on her controller, eyes glued to her massive television.

“Hey Kaguya, what's up?” you say.

“'Sup,” she grumbles.

“What are you doing?”

She groans. “What does it look like?”

Small talk isn't really getting you anywhere, is it? “Looks like you're spending time in your room, alone, playing video games again.”

She pauses the game, turns to me, rolls her eyes, and lets out a dramatic, long-suffering sigh. “Eirin sent you up here to get me out of the house, didn't she?”

No point denying it. “Yup.”

“Not leaving. So go away, unless you're going to punch me through a wall to get me outside. Just do me a favor and punch me through the wall that doesn't have my TV or games, would you?”

“Eirin did say that was an option, yes.”

Once again, Kaguya rolls her eyes dramatically, and turns back to the game, where she unpauses it and goes back to playing. She's playing an absurdly fat man who's chucking bombs into large groups of people and laughing evilly.

Maybe you should take a different tack to get her out of her room, so you sit and observe the game for a bit.

And then your eyes wander to the lower-left corner of the screen, where the name of her character is displayed: Dong Zhuo.

“Oh, man, that takes me back.”

“What does?” She doesn't bother to pause for conversation's sake this time.

“Dong Zhuo. I knew the guy. He was a colossal dick.”

Kaguya smirks. “Yeah,” she says, “and I'm best bros with Amaterasu.”

“You are? Awesome! You should introduce me some day.”

Kaguya rolls her eyes and huffs. “I was being sarcastic, nimrod.”

“Oh.” Which is a damn shame. You'd really love to fight Amaterasu. How many times does one get to fight gods? Okay, sure, there was that one time you fought the 'God of War', but in the end he was just a regular dude too. Bitchin' beard though.

You think for a moment. “Hey, you want to meet Dong Zhuo?”

She pauses her game, and sets the controller down very slowly. “What.” Just a flat what.

You shrug. “I got contacts, man. Dong Zhuo and I go way back, but again, he's kind of a dick. Maybe I should introduce you to someone cooler, like, say, Sun Jian? Really a damn shame how he caught an arrow so early. Wish I'd been there to stop that.”

“You were there??”

You shrug your shoulders. “You didn't know that? I mean, I know you're old and all, from like the tenth century or some shit, but this was even older.”

She turns to you. “So what you're telling me, is that you can go back in time, and introduce me to these people?”

“And then we can fight them! It'll be awesome!” You stop for a second. “It's not really back in time, though, I think. I'm not real sure on the particulars on how this works. I had Yukari explain it to me once, blah blah blah, borders, self-contained universe because popularity blah blah blah. Apparently there's self-contained universes for any popular-enough semi-historical event or series of events.”

“So I could go kill Hitler if I wanted to?”

Kaguya's thinking about this way too hard. You scratch your head. “I... guess? Maybe? Look, I don't know how to go about finding Hitler or whatnot. I just sat out that whole sordid affair. Western wars never really had that... you know, gravitas to their heroes?”

Kaguya shakes her head. “So, what, we go to ancient China and beat up some dudes?”

You point to her screen. “You were just doing it there. What's so odd about doing that? This is like that, just better.”

Kaguya dutifully picks up her controller, saves her game, and puts it back next to the game machine thing, and turns off the TV. “We're going.”

A feeling of glee washes over you. This was easy! You're sure Eirin will be thrilled. “Awesome! Pack your stuff, and we'll go!”


Meiling shrugs. “We'll be there for a couple of weeks at least. So, you know, get yourself a weapon. The essentials. I'm sure I can manage to bum stuff off of people. They'll be thrilled to see me.”

“They? Did they... know you?”

Now it's your turn to roll your eyes. “Well, duh, of course they did! It was a nation at war, and do you know any stronger warriors than me?”

“I... guess not,” she says. “Did they write about you in the Romance?”

This is a bit of a sore spot for you. “Yeah, Luo Guanzhong did. He 'embellished' the narrative more than a bit, and didn't do so particularly favorably to me. We had a rocky relationship, he and I.”

“Relationship? You were a thing?”

You shake your head. “No. And that's probably why he wrote me as such an awful person. Dumb, too. I might not be as smart as Zhuge Liang, but he was just unfair. Anyway. Pack your stuff, and we'll go.”

“What do you think I'll need?”

You shrug. “A weapon, I guess. Everything else is incidental. If you haven't got one, I've got a bunch.”

She looks at you hopefully. “A cool weapon! One that shoots lasers and explodes and I can throw it at people and it'll come back-”

You hold out a hand to stop her. “I think I've got exactly what you need.”

“A ball.” She doesn't sound pleased at what you picked out for her.

“An orb!”

“An orb is a ball.”

“An orb is a fancy, magical ball.”

“While you have that big- er, what even is that?” She gestures at your weapon that you've grabbed from your weapon rack, in its place of prominence.

You thump its butt against the wooden floor of your modest home. “A halberd.”

“Great. You've got that and I've got a ball.”

“Orb! Trust me, it'll do everything you asked for!”

She still seems skeptical, but less so. “Fine. If this sucks...”

“If it sucks we can get you something new. Maybe steal the Seven Star Sword.”

“Why can't I have that?”

“Because I don't have it here, duh.”

Kaguya pouts a little more, but the two of you head out to the Hakurei Shrine.

“Hey! Reimu!” you shout, at the shrine maiden sweeping the path. She looks up, eyes the weapon you're holding, slung across your shoulder, and tenses slightly.

“Look, Meiling, do we have to do this right now? I'm kind of busy, and my schedule's full.”

“Your schedule's never full, Reimu, I know that.” And then you realize why she tensed up, and you start to laugh, a big belly laugh that makes Kaguya look at you funny from the corners of her eyes. “No, no, you misunderstand, Reimu, this isn't for you. Kaguya and I are going on a trip.”

“What, outside Gensokyo? You know the barrier's up for a reason, right?” She grumbles the next part under her breath. “Never seems to stop people from getting in, though...”

“Yeah, but I'm just going home for a bit. You won't begrudge me that, will you?”

Reimu sighs. “Fine, whatever. Drop me a donation and I'll open a door for you.”

You come up to Reimu and slap her on the back. “You're the best, Reimu. Can I trouble you for a charm to let us back in, too?”

“Yeah, yeah, sure.” She roots around in her sarashi and pulls one out for you, slightly crumpled and sweaty. You stow it away in your small backpack.

“Thanks, Reimu, you're a doll.”

She grumbles a bit more, and looks meaningfully at the donation box. You drop a few coins in. She picks up her gohei from the shrine behind it, and leads us to a small, sandy clearing behind the shrine. “You know the drill, Meiling. I open the door, you walk through it, it takes you to where you want to go.”

Kaguya finally takes this chance to pipe up. “How does it know where we want to go?”

Reimu looks at her blankly. “Fucked if I know. It's shrine maiden magic. Don't think about it too hard. How are you immortal?”

“Well, I dran-”

“That was a rhetorical question. Don't care.” She waves her gohei half-heartedly in the air at empty space. “Hocus pocus, make these nerds go away-cus.”

You cock an eyebrow at her. “Hocus pocus? That doesn't sound very religious.”

She gestures at the simple wooden sliding door that's appeared before the three of you. “Doesn't matter. It worked. Now go away.”

She wanders off, leaving you and Kaguya alone together, at the threshold of the door through the barrier.

Kaguya looks at you one more time before you open the door. “What name did you call yourself back then?”

You think for a moment. “I've gone by a lot of names over the years. Now, I'm not entirely sure, it's been a while but I think...

“...that they called me Lu Bu.”


[ ] Early Spring 190, Battle of Hu Lao Gate
[ ] Autumn 194, Assault on Puyang
[ ] Winter 198, Siege of Xiapi
[ ] Other event?
[x] Winter 198, Siege of Xiapi.
Oh, DNP, I get it.

[x] Early Spring 190, Battle of Hu Lao Gate

Time to fuck up some sworn brothers.
[x] Early Spring 190, Battle of Hu Lao Gate

Well this should be interesting.
[X] Early Spring 190, Battle of Hu Lao Gate
[X] Winter 198, Siege of Xiapi
[X] Autumn 194, Assault on Puyang

This is certainly an interesting premise.
[x] Early Spring 190, Battle of Hu Lao Gate

You have my attention Mister Rabbit.
[X] Early Spring 190, Battle of Hu Lao Gate

I have no idea what any of those dates are so I'm just going to say do everything in order

>they called me Lu Bu.

aww I was hopping to meet LuBu as meiling and fight him... wait didn't LuBu have daugthers? I wonder who was the father mother?

Hu Lao gate is Lu Bu on the defensive against Zhang Fei, Guan Yu, and Liu Bei, being the vanguard for Dong Zhuo.

Puyang is Lu Bu conquering Puyang, and subsequently defending it against Cao Cao.

Xiapi is Lu Bu versus Liu Bei and Cao Cao as allies in a defensive battle.

[X] Early Spring 190, Battle of Hu Lao Gate

That halberd.
[X] Early Spring 190, Battle of Hu Lao Gate

Meiling did ask if Kaguya wanted to meet Dong Zhuo, and he's dead by the time of the other two choices.

Wait, does this mean Kaguya's going to be Diaochan?
Well, she IS using a ball apparently.
Nope, she's not going to be Diao Chan. In fact, I don't know where >>60163 is coming from, because Diao Chan either used a Chui (think hammer, except instead of the hammer head it's just a solid metal ball) or a chain whip, and I've always been more in favor of the whip, really.

Kaguya's going to be... well, you'll see. It also allows me an opportunity to bring in other touhou that might have very well been in existence around this time.

Finally, I'm going to call it for Xiapi, and I'm also going to change the viewpoint character to Kaguya. You know, so you can fight Lu Bu at some point, if you want to.

Also because Kaguya's in an easier position to be writing, Meiling is going to be CRUSH KILL DESTROY SMASH BASH ANNIHILATE (probably).
>Finally, I'm going to call it for Xiapi

Huh? Hu Lao Gate pretty clearly won.

Wait what, why xiapi
Hurf. I meant Hu Lao Gate. Don't know why I wrote Xiapi.
Man I read way too many things written by rabbits.
>Meiling is going to be CRUSH KILL DESTROY SMASH BASH ANNIHILATE (probably).

man she mellowed out quite a bit didn't she? kaguya will never be able to look at her the same way
File 141301445892.jpg - (283.60KB, 850x800, sample-cd1ec65f5a72c24ab3efd47dd3b9fd7f.jpg) [iqdb]
[x] Early Spring 190, Battle of Hu Lao Gate

Meiling slides the door open, and you're blasted by a cold wind. There's even a little bit of snow.

“Meiling!” you shout. “You didn't say anything about needing winter clothes!”

She turns to you and smiles. “It's bracing! Cold wind builds character.”

You step through the doorway, and behind you it closes shut. Except, instead of the small, sliding door closing shut, it's a loud whumpf as two extremely heavy, twenty-foot gate doors close behind you. “Where are we?” you ask Meiling.

“Just in front of Hu Lao Gate,” she replies. “Not the largest battle, or the most important, but it always seems to be fairly popular.” She scratches her head. “Never been entirely sure why, though...” She points off into the distance. Past the rows of infantry, past the hastily erected timber siegeworks, lay another gate- smaller, but no less imposing. “Over there is Sishui Gate. About ten li away.”


“Half a kilometer or so. We're looking at about three miles' separation.”

“Oh.” You think for a moment, something feels off. “Weren't Hu Lao and Sishui the same place?”

Meiling shrugs. “Yeah, but nobody told Luo Guanzhong that. I sure as shit wasn't going to help him with the editing after he badmouthed me. Anyway,” she continues, “the Coalition Forces are on the other side of Sishui. Probably fighting Li Jue or Guo Si right now, actually.”

“S-so what you're telling me is that Liu Bei, his brothers, and all the rest of them are on the other side of that gate over there?”

“And very likely going to be trying to kill us, yes.” She smiles at the prospect. “I'm starting to get excited!”

You, however, are getting nothing of the sort. Sure, you're functionally immortal, but dying still hurts. And then, a pungent scent, one of onions and garlic, wafts over you. It's got to be horrifyingly strong if you can still smell it in this biting cold.

“Finally!” a deep voice booms, behind the two of you. Meiling sighs heavily, and turns around. “Where have you been, Lu Bu?”

You turn to face what may have been a man at one point. Now, he's a whale on two legs. “Zhuo. I went to go and get a look at the other side of Sishui,” Meiling lies smoothly.

“Just Zhuo?” He grins widely, lecherously. You can't help but cringe. “Aren't we getting familiar.” His beady eyes alight on you. “Who's she? A present for me, Lu Bu? It's not even my birthday. But you're too kind.” He holds out a hand to you. You instinctively recoil back away from it. He smiles even wider. “Oh, I like it when they struggle.”

“I don't think you want to do that,” Meiling says.

“Oh? And why's that?”

“Because that's Xi Wangmu.”

Dong Zhuo freezes in place for a moment, and his grin melts off his face so quickly, it's gratifying. He turns back to Meiling, and the smile creeps back onto his face. “You're having me on, Lu Bu. Xi Wangmu is an immortal goddess.” Oh. Oh God no. You can already see where this is going.

You're going to put a very pre-emptive stop to that. “Meiling, I swear to God, if you're thinking of doing what I think you're thinking of, don't. Just. Don't.” She doesn't look at you, but you can see her smile.

“Meiling?” Dong Zhuo asks.

“Just a style name,” she replies. “So, yeah, Xi Wangmu, immortal goddess and all that, don't fuck with, isn't for you.”

Dong Zhuo just folds his arms over his massive gut and frowns.

“Fine,” Meiling says, kicking the shaft of her halberd, moving it up into a fighting stance, “I'll prove it to you.”

You start to protest, raising your hands up to protect yourself. “Oh no you do-” you say, but you're abruptly cut off. Literally. At the neck. Well, you think, at least it was fast enough to not hurt. Your head hits the ground, and rolls around in the dirt and snow. Your body collapses, a massive spurt of blood spraying from the neck.

“What the hell, Lu Bu?!” Dong Zhuo shouts.

Meiling holds up one finger. “Wait for it.”

And then... your body reverses itself. It uncrumples, your head rolls back across the ground, and flies through the air, through a backwards blood spray, and after all of the blood flows back into your neck, your head seats itself back upon your now-standing body, and all of your hair re-attaches itself to roughly where it was, when Meiling's halberd cleaved you cleanly in twain.

You stomp your foot furiously and shout at Meiling. “God damn it, Meiling! Now I'm going to have split ends for weeks! You know that!”

While Meiling is uncontrollably laughing at your verbal assault, leaning on the shaft of her halberd for support, Dong Zhuo is just looking at you, slack-jawed.

Your berating of Meiling just makes her laugh even harder, and sometime during that, Dong Zhuo left the two of you alone, nowhere to be seen.

Meiling wipes the tears from her eyes, and is still clutching her midsection with her other hand, from laughing so hard. “At... at least Dong Zhuo... is gone,” she manages to gasp out. He's... well. You kind of wish you'd had a better first impression to the 'heroes of the Three Kingdoms'. Though, calling Dong Zhuo a hero is a bit of a stretch.

Speaking of stretching, Meiling yawns and stretches, raising her halberd above her head. “So. Whatcha wanna do, Kaguya?”

[ ] We could go find Diaochan.
[ ] Roll on up to Sishui Gate and get the party started early.
[ ] Stay here and wait for them to come to us. The story's already written, so why deviate?
[ ] Write-in.
[x] We could go find Diaochan.

Wait, Xi Wangmu? The Queen Mother? I didn't know what I was expecting for Kaguya, but that wasn't it.
Neither was Kaguya.

I wonder what'll happen if the real Xi Wangmu found out.
[x] We could go find Diaochan.
[x] We could go find Diaochan.
[x] We could go find Diaochan.

Wait, if Lu Bu flies into a rage whenever Diaochan is defeated in DW, and Meiling IS Diaochan, how does the fact that she's a girl fit into the traditional Lu Bu and Dong Zhuo rivalry over Diaochan thing that we see in DW?
[x] We could go find Diaochan.


Meiling is lesbian, duh.
But Meiling isn't Diaochan. She's Lu Bu.
Typo, meant Lu B
[X] We could go find Diaochan.
File 141712775230.png - (118.26KB, 299x339, 56b0552f4ddfb98146ebbe93b82b68f2.png) [iqdb]
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