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49949 No. 49949
The teapot whistles, and there is a soft click as you lift the pot, heated coils beneath it automatically shutting down the moment it's removed.

You shift your grip slightly on the handle, carrying the pot over to the table, and pour hot water into three cups, steam rising from liquid and steeping, dried and shredded leaves.

You set the pot down in its place and seat yourself.

One cup sits before you. One before her. And one before a seat which remains empty now.

The silence hangs oppressively in the air, soft ticking rising from the hanging clock. You wait. She's always been better at judging when it's stopped being hot water with plant bits in, and started being more.

Once she lifts her cup of tea, you drink some of your own.

..... It's bitter, today, and the back of your tongue is awash in disgust.

She only takes a sip, and then holds the cup in her hands, looking out the window and towards the crops, and their younger tenders.

"He didn't wake up, today." She says, simply.

You nod.

You know that better than anyone else. It was your job to shake him awake. And you had already known that that wouldn't go well, the moment you swung the door open and were greeted by a thick and appalling stench of finality.

You had entered, and even gone so far as to nudge the cold and stiff form beneath the sheets, but then you quietly retreated and shut the door behind you.

You are more than familiar with death. Both in inflicting it on trespassers, and on dinner, and in realizing that someone you knew has gone away forever.

"... What now?" You wonder.

She sips slowly at the tea.

"I will stay." She says, eventually.

.... You had expected that. This place, or something like it, is simply in her nature. She's... Automatically predisposed to agricultural pursuits, he had said. Using words it had taken you the longest time to understand properly, never considering for a moment adjusting his own speech to make it easier for either of you, expecting you to keep up instead of having to slow down. From the beginning, so very long ago...

Horticulturist, that was a word he had liked. Plantation, and foundation of society, and poorly represented and understood by indolent urbanites.

Unconscious and instinctive biological trend towards sadism.

Oh yes, he had liked that one. Always with a chuckle. But then, he would continue, it was only natural to adapt yourself towards enjoying habitual efforts, if only to heighten the likelihood of repetition of actions not detrimental to species-wide survival.

And if that one hadn't been a mouthful to figure out...

"I know all the right words." She continues. "I can recite all the right numbers, and I have made the right exchanges myself. For a long time now, he's been... It has been more than a year since he last left the house."

Yes. This has been a long time in coming. Age is not an enemy that kills swiftly. A sadist as great as either of you, it takes its prey slowly, bit by bit.

If it had been directed somewhere else, you could almost smile in appreciation.

.... Your neck itches a little.

"... It won't be much different at all, from when he was still here."

She stares out at the field for a while, watching the crops being carefully tended. Then she turns her head back inside, and drains the remaining tea in her cup, before setting it back down with a soft clink.

"... Yes. I will stay here." She says again.

You manage another sip of the bitter liquid before giving up and reaching for the honey, letting it drip bit by bit into your cup, sweetening it to the point where you can drink it properly.

".... And you?" She asks. "What will you do now, Flandre?

Your wings clink slightly as you sip the tea.

---

[ ] ???

No. 49950
[X] Finish my damn tea.
[X] Check his diary. Gain some insight into how the man lived and died.

Shit I dunno...help me out here guys.
No. 49953
Is she Yuuka and we Flandre?

That's...

Holy shit, I don't even know. Too blasted to properly process. Will reread when my mind is not busy being blown.

Now get back to Breaking in Rumia, you dicknigger.
No. 49958
So, If I get the setting right... We're a Flandre, a Yuuka is with us and the owner of both just died. They lived for a long time and thus became quite inteliigent. Or at least loads better than normal Yukkuris.
No. 49959
>>49958

All we know about the other character is that she is predisposed to gardening and happens to be sadistic. We can't just assume it's Yuuka.
No. 49960
.... You don't think he had a diary.

More to the point, you're not really certain you could read it well if he did. Listening is one thing, literacy and comprehension, though.....

It doesn't come easy, no matter how much effort goes in. Your minds just aren't wired the same way, just like your bodies are similar, but in so many ways, that of a human is...

Strange. Subtly wrong. Proportions just... off, and not quite right. And in so many cases, just too thin, so thin, so gaunt, skin stretched over their skeletal frame like they're constantly starving, starving to death...

It can startle the unexpected, if they've never seen a real human before. But you get used to it quickly, or at least you did, and the young ones are much closer to normal. They just make you want to....

Pluck off every one of their pudgy little fingers, one by one~

.... You don't deal well with young children, as it happens. For much the same reason that some are very good baby-sitters. Too similar. And while in some, that triggers maternal instincts.... it just makes you hungry. Which is far from the desired first impulse for that sort of a job.

He explained it once. Pain and fear start internal reactions, chemically altering compositions to increase sugar levels, and since you gain more nutrition from sugary substances than anything else, it's only logical for a biological imperative to arise, making it more likely for you to cause those reactions before eating....

And hence, the sadism. Supposedly. He'd always liked to have a thought out, reasonable, logical and scientific answer for things. Even when 'things' included dark and whispering shadows moving beneath distant tree-lines, or hunting parties that left to track boar with ten men and returned with only nine, and didn't notice at all until attention was drawn to this fact, and then seemed to forget almost as fast as another topic of conversation came up.

There was always definitely a scientific explanation for phenomenae, even if the required equipment and technological practices to determine it had not yet been devised.... he had said.

Usually, though, after such instances, he had made a point out of cleaning the old rifle hanging on the wall, and assuring himself it still functioned by shooting down a convenient bird or two.

Still...

Your memory isn't that great. You remember highlights, more than anything else.

It was a long time ago, that you remember first coming here, kept in a small wooden box and with the weight of the stigma of property already hanging heavy about your neck, as it does to this very day. Before that, you can remember nothing, but from what you have heard you are almost grateful for that fact.

Spirited, and full of temper, it had taken some time before you were set loose, to play your role. Not to tend the crops, no... you wouldn't have the slightest notion where to begin, and trying to teach you that right off wouldn't have been a cost-effective use of you.

You were the guard dog. Both a visual and terrifying deterrent, even against those who would venture into a garden which she tended, and the savage end of those too foolish or desperate to turn away and scavenge elsewhere.

To be frank, it wasn't a job that you had hated.

But even so, you left the farm twice in your life, both towards the start of it.

The first was a simple matter of disgruntled petulance. Nothing had dared venture into the crops for some time, but you were not permitted to hunt beyond boundaries marked by the fence, and otherwise were to eat what was offered you.

It was not poor sustenance, but it did not satisfy, in the visceral way that falling upon and tearing apart a screaming trespasser filled you with pleasant warmth entirely unrelated to your belly being filled. You were a predator. You needed to feed upon prey.

And so you slipped out, of a night, and spread your hunt wider afield.

Naturally, you almost immediately became horribly and bewilderingly lost in the countryside. Days passed, as you found that those both cannier and less desperate than those who ventured into the crops were also cunning enough to ignore their hunger and not reveal themselves for anything, when the chiming of crystals foretold of you. you became hungry, lost, and alone, and found yourself eating grass and tree bark as whispering shadows followed in your wake, laughing in the dark, just beyond your eyes, always just flickering away before they could be seen, and coming bit by bit closer with every night to pass.

And then had come the bear, which had been a complete accident on your part, though in hindsight you might have considered that a convenient cave to keep off a soft rainfall might already have been occupied.

You had escaped from that mess only by leaving behind a limb, and spent the night shuddering in a tree-top, oozing from the rents, and desperately, horribly aware that you were born to be a chained dog had not the slightest idea how to survive as a wild one.

The last you can remember, before finally losing the last of your strength and falling out of the tree, was the slow approach of a deep motor.

You had woken back at the farm, surprised and relieved to still be alive, and with food being steadily given to you, your wounds healed and your arm steadily grew back.

The second time you left, it had been from a different biological imperative entirely.

You had wanted... no. You had needed, with some instinctual desperation, to procreate, or at least go through the motions in order to silence the subconscious urges pressing at you and insisting that it had been far too long already, you knew full well that the effective and expected lifespan of a yukkuri was hardly a full season in the wild, and you were well and away beyond that, you could die at any moment and you don't have any little ones to continue on....

He would happily deal with her maternal instincts. As he would put it, you always needed more farm-hands.

But you only needed the one guard dog.

And so he went the Scientific, and therefore superior, route of artificial procreation with pre-prepared and pre-packaged insemination substance, resulting in lots of infants for her, quieting that hind-brain urging on her part, and leaving you out in the cold, as it were.

.... You're pretty sure, when it came down to it, that even just going through the motions, even with maternal fulfillment ultimately impossible, would have been more than enough.

But he was unbelievably and absurdly dense, not rebuffing but just completely missing your steadily less and less subtle propositions, right up to and including just stripping down completely and flopping down on top of his sheets, invitation blatant.

He hadn't clicked, and had instead curiously asked if you had gotten lost on the way to your own room, then helpfully carried you out and left you in your own bed.

'A man of human triumph over nature, my wife is this plot of earth, and our children are the fruits which are born from my toil.' was something he'd liked to say. You sometimes wonder if, while it was mostly metaphor, he was being at least a little bit literal with those declarations as well. You had later discovered that you were not alone in just plain not getting your intentions through, as he had through the years had more than just several options display themselves, only to eventually give up and turn toward more receptive partners. That, at least, later proved a salve to bruised pride.

In any case, the very next morning, you had taken a trespasser's stolen hat and clothes, slowly and painstakingly worked through the unnatural pain of folding your wings along the joints until they could be hidden away, more or less, and quietly left the farm for a time, leaving her with an explanation for him, and assurance that you would return after not too long.

It didn't even take a fortnight for infants to grow to adulthood, you could surely spare that long to silence this pressure of instinct.

And your gambit had worked fairly well. A Marisa, after all, was taken in far more readily to a slowly wandering troupe than the response a Flandre would receive.

And convenience of convenience, a suitable mate had been located. If you had to lock down one set of instincts for a bit, in order to similarly quiet another, then so be it. And you can admit, you grew... fond, through the brief phase of courtship.

You hadn't quite thought out, of course, what was obviously going to happen when the children were actually born.

It hadn't ended well for anyone involved, and at the end of it you had returned to the farm, sulking and needing desperately to clean yourself off with a fresh and damp scented towel.

About the only good thing that could be said for the series of events was that it did end in hushing those biological impulses, and though they didn't fade away from being a strong, if unconscious, concern for quite some time after that, they were no longer an immediate matter. You'd nodded to the demands of life, to procreate, even if it had ended.... messily.

Even so, those two instances aside, you haven't left the farm.

He never did much, either... even when shipments went out to the distant urban landscape, hungry people demanding food that couldn't readily be supplied from within a jungle of concrete and rebar, it was more often than not a matter of a truck coming here, to be loaded up with filled crates as empty ones were left behind, than it was of him actually leaving the farm to go anywhere.

.... You'd never really thought about it, in the end. It wasn't, after all, much of a question of what you wanted or did not want to do. The mark of property weighs heavy about your neck, and while that offers some protection, in many ways, it does not leave you with the luxury of choosing things.

You were purchased for a purpose, and so you couldn't really just leave.

... And now the passing of years and of age have taken their toll, and reminiscing on the past does little to make decisions now.

You slowly drain your cup.

---

[ ] ???
No. 49961
Another quest, Kahi? Or is it a side-quest related to City Quest?
No. 49962
[x] Ask Yuuka/The other yukkuri, what you're supposed to do now? Still the same duty? Will you two really be able to do this without a huma to do business with other humans?
[x] Go feel sad or something about him passing away. More sad than you are.
No. 49966
[X] Eat master's heart, bury the rest of him in his plantation. It's what he would have wanted. Probably.
[x] Ask Yuuka/The other yukkuri, what you're supposed to do now.
No. 49967
[x] Ask Yuuka/The other yukkuri, what you're supposed to do now? Still the same duty? Will you two really be able to do this without a huma to do business with other humans?
[x] Go feel sad or something about him passing away. More sad than you are.
No. 49968
[X] Conquer. That is what you will seek to do.
[X] Find the nearest piece of minor civilization, or even a band of Yukkuri that can be brought under your rule.
No. 49982
==> Ask the other what to do.

Huh, oh, Yuuka? Yeah, she is a Yuuka. The oldest of the ones here, obviously, since she was used as breeding stock for all the smaller laborers outside. You aren't sure what he did with the few that ended up not being Yuuka, in spite of the stuff that got used being treated so that that probably shouldn't happen.

You think he just sold them back or something. Maybe he left them on the side of the road somewhere, like a sack of delicious abandoned puppies.

Cruelly. Like a sack of cruelly and in no way edible abandoned puppies.

"Stop staring at me like that." Yuka says, flatly. You guess your thoughts were distracted, a bit.

Still.

You guess the point isn't to ask someone else what to do with the rest of your life, here.

Now that the guy who pretty legitimately owned your very existence is....
No. 49983
==> Be sad about his death.

You're plenty sad.

==> Be Sadder.

Look, you just legitimately don't think that's really possible. Your sadness has reached a critical mass. You have maxed out the bar in your sadness stat. Sadness levels in the cargo-holds of the trans-continental shipping freight of your heart are at capacity, here.

You are, in fact, the saddest flandre.

..... But there's not really much point in dwelling on it.
No. 49984
==> Devour the heart of your former master. Through this, you will gain his power.

.... You see, the thing is, as far as ideas go, this is what you'd call a 'bad' one. It leads in directions best unexplored, so to say. Avenues that will lead to you being tracked down by packs of baying hounds and people barking at each other through short range radio receivers as they fire harpoon guns at you as you jump from rooftop to rooftop.

As fun as it sounds, probably an end result best avoided.

And besides, he's been dead for hours, now.

You're a predator. ... Well, omnivore, really. But not the sort of omnivore that just sets into dead things they happen to find on the ground, or anything. You have standards! You're not some kind of, of, carrion eater, or vulture, or anything. Have some class, brain.

Besides, given the appalling stench in that room right now, you're pretty sure you'd be hard pressed to eat anything in there. It's just plain disgusting.

.... Burial would probably be a good idea, though. He's just going to draw bugs and rot at this point, it might as well be out in the ground.

"Are you trying to think deep thoughts or something, again? You know that it's annoying to watch." Yuuka points out.
No. 49985
==> Conquest.

.... What?

==> Victory without elimination. Ruling without subjugation. You will unite all before you and beneath you. Locate the nearest minor civilization and bend it to your will.

.... Setting aside everything wrong with that idea, and there's a whole bunch wrong, you're pretty sure....

The nearest civilization stuff is basically this farm right here. There are others, but you don't really actually know where. They're around. Somewhere.

On a more immediate level, you are aware of this farm, the far off city, the road between the two of them, not really well traveled but still what would be called 'safe', and the surrounding wilderness, which is basically a whole bunch of varying shades of potential lingering and instant death, all mashed up together.

So....

Well, there's nothing stopping you. You didn't die the last two times you wandered aimlessly through the wilderness with no idea where you were or where you were going.

Your sense of direction isn't great, though. And your map-drawing skills are... they're.... They ccccooould be better, you guess?

They're not good. Is what you mean to say.

It's something you might want to keep in mind, if 'what you want to do' turns out to be exploring the untrod and murderous wilderness, you suppose.

---

[ ] ???
No. 49987
[X] Go bury the master first. The smell won't get better with time.
No. 49990
[X] Go bury the master first. The smell won't get better with time.
[X] Inventory your current stock of Tea/Yuukas/farmland/food output/food input/farm equipment/neighbors.
[X] Assemble a few of the stronger Yuukas, and start making plans to kidnap a human, preferably male.

Almighty then. Touhou Harvest Moon is a go.
No. 49991
[X] Go bury the master first. The smell won't get better with time.
[X] Inventory your current stock of Tea/Yuukas/farmland/food output/food input/farm equipment/neighbors.
[ ] Assemble a few of the stronger Yuukas, and start making plans to kidnap a human, preferably male.

Right-o, assess situation, secure short-term future, make plans.
No. 49992
[X] Become a detective, Buddy-cop GO!
No. 49994
==> Take up a detective business. Become the Buddy Cop.

Oh, this would be pretty great, you love movies like this!

You can be the gritty, no-nonsense straight shooting and hard-boiled noir detective just trying to get along in a world where it seems like people get offended by the lack of realism if you go into a flying dive and shoot from the hip with both hands to ruin the day of a gathered columbian drug cartel!

And Yuuka can be the wise-cracking demolitionist with crazy weapons that make big booms.

And you can drop an excellent one-liner, you'll have to think of one in advance, then turn and walk slowly away as the warehouse explodes and your wings jangle from the concussive wave!

..... Except all of that is stupid and will never happen.

To begin with, you have no idea how to go about detectiving beyond what you've seen in movies, which you're pretty sure isn't the best guideline to follow on how most of the job actually plays out.

You don't think you can just paint a Private Eye picture on a door somewhere and start work. Or at least, not and get work, anyway.

Still, it's an idea for the future.
No. 49995
==> Inter the remains of your human compatriot and owner.

... For the present, you'll do this.

It's an important human thing, you gather, beyond just leaving bodies places where they don't need to be dealt with, for them to melt in the rain or get eaten by something less picky. Except humans don't melt in the rain. Dissolve. Details.

You bury him in the ground, in a wooden box, as is customary.

He would make a point out of burying, at least in effigy, anyone who he found dead or discovered to have gone missing unnoticed in the wilds, so you're pretty sure this is how it's done. Not too close to each other, though. Too many graves near each other make someplace a graveyard.

And if all the zombie films you've looked at are to be believed, graveyards can attract Yoshika possibly maybe.

The point is, Yoshika are icky and disgusting and you hate them. Just imagining it...

It's like thinking of the gathered stench of that room physically exploding all over your tongue all at once. Horrible.

So he gets his own little plot of dirt far from anything else. You think he would like the set-up.

Though maybe not the coffin.

Because you're kind of short of planks just at the moment, and it turns out that neither of you really ever watched when it came time to turn trees into lumber, and so the exact details are....

The short of it is that he ended up being less interred in a carefully measured and prepared fancy box made to fit his dimensions, and more stuffed into an extra crate that hadn't been used in years, which got nailed shut, dropped in a hole, and covered in dirt.

It's the thought that counts, probably. It's not like you're going to tell anyone about any corners cut, and given that that crate was already kind of starting to slowly rot itself and fall apart a little, in ten years nobody would even know the difference if they dug it up.

Which they won't. Because you will stab them. Or Yuuka will. It seems only fair.
No. 49996
==> Assess combat assets and supplies.

.... What? Are you still on this, brain?

==> Inventory.

Oh. That makes more sense.

You have lots of tea and stored food and fresh water from the.... You can't remember if it's technically a lake or a pond. The local body of water. Fresh fish from that sometimes, too.

.... And Yuuka. You have lots of Yuuka. Many of her, in various sizes, to handle the details of farming the farm. You're definitely good on Yuuka for basically forever.

They live in little doghouses and such across the grounds and fields. Some of which are empty, because they end up growing out of them and into one-room huts and the like as time passes.

But yeah, you have plenty of them.

And tea.

By contrast, you think you have a half liter bottle of flavored soda water remaining, because you both know that if either of you drank it, the other would murder them in their sleep.

You should probably pick up more of that, somehow, if only so that drinking it will not lead to a regrettable but obligatory homicide immediately after.

Anyway, you don't know the exact numbers, though Yuuka seems to have that well enough in hand, but the farm produces what you would consider absurd amounts of..... produce, yes. Most of this ends up going to the city, but it has in your experience always left behind more than you could reliably actually use all together, which is why you still have a bunch of surplus preserved food stocks.

==> Locate and collect into your captivity a suitable human of your choice.

... Huh?

.... Yeah, that sounds just to start like the sort of line of thought that, all else aside, you would have to go to the City for. Not exactly so much in the way of passers by out here.

----

[ ] ???
No. 49997
[x] Overthrow humanity as the leaders and owners of the world.
[x]But first, rape the Yuukas.
No. 49998
[X] Get the master's key from his nightstand, and finaly take a look inside that secret room he never let us see before!
[X] Send Big Yuuka off to find the Keys to master's vehicle, since he obviously didn't carry everything on his back 18 miles uphill to the town market.
-[X] Note to self: learn to drive
[X] Explore the surrounding wilderness of death up to 10 meters out in all directions, don't forget your trusty knife.
No. 49999
>>49997

now that you mention it...I wonder why Flandre decided to brave the Forest of Death instead of just sexing a Yuuka.
No. 50002
[x] Yuuka will handle the farm and the buyers from the city, right? You need to do something else then.
-[x] Like...um...hmm...like...look cute. Yeah, you can do that, Flandres are cute, right?
-[x] You could also try to better explore and memorize the surroundings of the farm, so you won't get lost if you leave the farm for any reason.

Kinda hard to write-in something when you have no idea of what to do in-story.
No. 50003
[X] How far the current crop are done?
[X] Any trouble with other local thing?
No. 50005
==> Propagate further members of your species with the available selection of mates.

... What, like some Alice?

No, see, the hair does confuse it a bit but it's a completely different thing. You've grown past the child-making instinct phase of your life long ago. You were, in fact, the only involved being that survived that little debacle, but that's neither here or there.

... It's not that you couldn't make babies any more, it's just that with the natural drive dulled, whether it ended successfully or not...

Well, maybe you could start with dating and getting to know people, or something?

Also, it's not like this is your main objection to this plan by any means, but you definitely get the feeling that using her daughters, every one of which she knows by name, even if the names are all 'Yuuka', as basically your selection of playthings would probably end up with the situation with Yuuka ending up awkward and strained.

By which you mean, you're fairly certain that you'll end up waking up one morning missing everything below the neck and drowning in a sealed jar of slowly frosting over orange juice in the freezer.

You're pretty sure that you would survive this.

Despite that you're a lot less durable than a human, you can safely say that you're far more survivable than a human. If a human gets both legs cut off, or something, they're fairly well fucked, and will probably more or less just scream and bleed. Not you! Well, you'll still bleed, though. And probably scream. But when it comes down to it, those legs are going to grow back sooner or later as long as you don't actually die outright. Humans can't say that.

In many situations, though, being extra-survivable isn't really a good thing. Like if you feel like making an example of an intruder, and you just kind of secure them into place so you can watch as they struggle, but not enough to chase off descending crows and such.

You're pretty sure that in those situations, death actually came as a relief for all of them.

But that's not important.

Long story short, whether or not he's still here to smack you in the face with a rolled up newspaper and spritz you with water with sharp and repeated scolding, the answer is still no. Given the choice between highly likely immediate death, and certain immediate death, when most of the various shades of lingering death aren't so much of a possible problem for you, you guess the decision would be fairly clear if you felt you had to have children right now.

You'll put 'Mate' in your Quest Log, though. With a question mark, you guess.

==> Assemble required equipment and weaponry, explore and map up to ten meters beyond farmland boundaries.

Weapons, like, a gun? Knives? You aren't sure why that would be a good idea, because one of the only two guns available has a kick that you're reliably informed is less like a mule and more like a bull elephant. You're pretty sure that trying to fire it is going to wind up with you having to grow back both arms. And then Yuuka gets to be snide about your table manners, which you won't be able to do anything about, because you won't have any arms for a while.

The other isn't much better.

.... As far as knives go, too, you basically have five little ones at the end of either arm. Scalpels, more than anything, but still. If you run in with something you can kill with a knife, then it's almost definitely also something you can kill with your fingernails.

And if it's something that just outright rips your weapons away from you, then having a knife isn't going to distract it as long as having a tasty arm in its mouth will, and that should give you more time to run away as fast as you can.

Anyway, the big issue with the wilderness isn't so much always mapping it as, in this region at least, if you lose sight of landmarks for a few moments, the landmarks might go away, and have new ones come in. And then even if you fly up to try to get a better look and see which way the farm is, the farm is just gone, and you don't know where you are any more.

So even if you drew a terrible, terrible map of the area, it would be less 'what is there' and more 'how it was the last time I went through', which might or might not be helpful at....

Meters?

You aren't absolutely certain of measurement values and numbers and such without checking to confirm, but you're fairly sure that meters aren't very far. In fact,you're pretty sure that in all cases, you can see that far from the fences.

There's not much there. A squirrel, trying to decide whether or not to sneak closer to the fruit trees it smells. You kind of hope it does, squirrels are delicious. No real sign of invading troupes or anything, though, mores the pity.

In any case, inside of the fences, you have a bunch of farm plots, some smaller orchard plots, a barn and silo with basement, the house, also with a basement, a short pier with a small boat and a seat nailed into the wood at the end in case he didn't feel like going out in the boat, a storage shed for stuff and things, and a well, which draws pure and clean water up from the pond lake.

At least you're pretty sure that's how the well works.

==> Assess crops and time until full harvest.

Eh?

Well, there's a lot of different stuff that grows in every different season. Right now it's the middle of summer, so summer stuff is mostly grown and ready to start harvesting, you guess. After that, the summer shipment gets made, and fall seeds get sown for the next season.

==> Collect keys, investigate the human's secret room.

What?

==> A room in which you were never allowed. There is one present, is there not?

No, not really, the closest thing to that is his bedroom you guess. Definitely nothing that he ever came out and said 'never go in here or else' or anything.

==> .... Are you sure?

.... Well, there is that thing in the basement.

Only, it's not really the same. It's like another big trapdoor to a basement, only in the basement instead of outside, and it's made out of stone instead of wood, and it's all chained up instead of just getting a simple bar.

But it's also covered with a thick layer of dust, and you don't think he ever actually had a key to that. It was there when he moved in, you think. Definitely, it was never used for anything or messed with for as long as you can remember.

It's probably nothing.

==> Collect the human's vehicle keys, learn to utilize this form of transportation.

.... see, this strikes you as a ludicrously inefficient idea when you can fly...

Oh wait, you probably mean for that kidnapping idea, huh, brain.

You're pretty strong though. As long as it's not someone obviously way too heavy to ever carry, and as long as they don't squirm too much on the way back, there is almost definitely no chance whatsoever of you accidentally dropping them hundreds of meters to the ground in a horribly ironic screaming and splattery death!

Actually, no, that car idea is sounding better for some reason now.

He keeps his old truck parked in the barn, since he doesn't really raise livestock and it keeps the rain off. The keys are in the glove-box, as is an old cowboy revolver that will probably only blow one of your hands off if you try to fire it!

You'll just leave it there for now.

In any case, it doesn't look too hard. A turning wheel, the key goes in to unlock moving-ness, one pedal to stop and the other to go.

Simple.

There's definitely no way that it could somehow go catastrophically wrong.

---

[ ] ???
No. 50006
[x] Press down the move pedal as hard as you can. Then alternate with the stop pedal if necessary.

Nothing wrong, of course not.
No. 50007
[X] Do not drive car. You may damage the crop if you do.
No. 50008
[X] Practice shooting lasers.
No. 50010
[X] Go find master's cell phone, type in random numbers untill a human picks up. Tell them you are a poor Flandre down on her luck and really need some driving tips.

This can only succeed.
No. 50013
The car/no-car mental debate has left you a little knackered. Instead, you focus your thoughts elsewhere.

==> Implement Lasers.

You squint your eyes until everything is blurry, focus, and you laser.

In fact, you laser.

What happens is you focus every part of your being and you LASER. Harder, in fact, than you have ever lasered before.

Nothing happens.

What, did you really expect something to?
No. 50014
==> Utilize telecommunications device.

There's a phone in the house, yeah.

You don't know any numbers for it. But you just have to put in numbers until someone answers, right?

Button, button, button...... There we go!

The phone rings, and you wait for it. Eventually, a muffled voice appears on the other end.

"Challenge: Lederhosen. Response?"

".... What?"

".... Acknowledged. Authorization accepted. Welcome. Input command?"

You think you might have gotten off on the wrong foot here. But you push on, only slightly flustered.

".... Yes, I am Flandre, no, a Flandre, and I don't really feel lucky right now, so, I was hoping to ask someone for driving tips?"

".... Acknowledged. Target confirmed, 'Unlucky', specifications 'Driving', classification level 'Double Flandre'. Proceeding with mission."

The line goes dead, with a quiet dial tone.

... What just happened?

Well, you're pretty sure that whatever it was, it's definitely not something to think too deeply about, or anything that you're going to horribly regret later!

----

[ ] ???
No. 50016
[X] Find master's wallet, see how much Cash he was carring with him. Also check the place where he kept his life saving and see how much money we got total.
[X] Equip master's wallet, handgun, and cell phone and set off for the city. Stick to the sky/treetops.

Gotta find a driving instructor before harvest season.
No. 50017
Holy shit now I know why Flandre is like she is: her train(s) of though is a trainwreck from the start.

That said, this is hilarious in a why-did-I-laugh kind of way. Good work.
No. 50018
==> Gather and collect Money, Phone, and Self-Defensive Projectile Flinger.

You go ahead and grab those and put them in your Inventory.

In doing so, you end up glancing at your Quest Log.

.... Kinda sparse, isn't it? Well, not that you'd know, it's usually just 'continue to be alive' and 'kill intruders'. It doesn't seem like it's really confident about the whole kidnapping thing, either. Well, you'll deal with that when the time comes.

In the meantime, he would normally keep most of his money in the Bank, where he never actually used it for much of anything, since all his needs were met by the farm, and you can't get at it!

You don't have the authentication password or his thirty three digit PIN number.

They take their security really seriously at the bank.

He never wrote it down either, since he took pride in his ability to instantly and on demand recall inconsequential data with only his brain.

So, yeah, you're never seeing so much as a sniff of that.

However, he would also usually keep back a little bit of folding money here and there for in case he needed just a little something in his pocket for impromptu spending here and there which also was a thing that never happened because he seldom left the farm.

There's a fair bit you find just lying about, marking places in books, folded up into little origami cranes and paper airplanes, stuffed into cracks to block drafts.... just here and there. Also in his secret porn drawer. Though there's surprisingly little there. He mostly wasted the space with porn.

In any case, you now have a fat wad of cash, The Bananaphone, and a lovingly maintained cowboy revolver in almost perfect condition with the safety accidentally broken off, he always meant to repair that but never did, and fully loaded with six shiiiiny brass bullets.

You see no way that your possession of this item could at all lead to horrific tragedy!
No. 50019
==> Go to the urban area. Investigate the human life-forms.

Yeah, it's about time, you should probably do just that! Before Yuka notices and/or objects to the whole wad of cash in your pocket, you mean. It seems like the sort of thing she would notice. And probably object to as well.

It's a few hours by flight. Several, you mean. A number of hours. You're not exactly a fast flyer that picks up prey on the wing, or at least not relatively so, that's Aya you're thinking of. You're a slow flyer that drops in suddenly out of nowhere and rampages a whole herd to death for food.

It would probably have been faster in the truck, even though the road below winds some. Oh well. You'll get there when you get there.

And get there you do, with the sun slowly setting overhead and the streets below lit by glowing lights.

It takes a little bit for you to find humans, they live in the city but not in all of it, but you track some down eventually.

Looking down from a short roof, you can see them.

There's a human in wet bathrobes and a towel, looking disgruntled, sort of. And wet. With water, and strong, strong perfume that probably smells good to humans but kind of gives you a headache.

There's a very "Swag" human, if that is the word, wearing a red suit and leading... you thought it was a Tewi at first, but the ears look sort of fake, and she looks too human-ey. If you squint, it still fools you a bit and you start to drool because you're kind of hungry and a human sized Tewi is a lot of carrot cake. But it's maybe a human instead, but even if not, the other human is leading it around on a leash and collar and killing and eating people's things is rude. You're reliably informed. There's a faint buzzing noise from near them somewhere, but look as you might, you can't see any bugs it might be coming from. It is getting dark, though, you might just be missing it.

There's a probably-a-human, behind the face-mask and what looks like a bunch of thick and tight rubber. It makes a lot of grunting noises, and breathes loudly and wetly, but doesn't move from its spot much.

And there's a human in a pink overcoat and glasses, spattered with a dusting of fine grey powder, looking sort of lost and like it doesn't really want to be here for some reason. You aren't sure why it doesn't just leave, if that's the case.

----

[ ] ???
No. 50021
[X] Follow the swag human while remaining out of sight.
[X] He will inevitably separate from his not-Tewi at some point, follow which ever of them keeps the leash
[X] knock them unconscious, tie them up with the leash and blindfold them.

Phase one of my brilliant plan!
No. 50022
Did you just steal the last of the farm money with no chance for Yuuka to acces the one in the bank? If so, great going you idiot. You just have to lose it now to make sure the farm can't pay for seed to plant in the next season. And why didn't nobody checked if the dude had family alive?
No. 50023
==> Follow the human with human swag.

Okay, you'll talk to-

==> Do not approach the swag human.

.... Okay, you'll just follow.

You follow from a fair distance, above. You don't really bother to hide, most things don't really look up. Especially at night.

They don't split up. Instead they walk several streets, with the occasional pause as that bug, wherever it is, starts getting angrier for a bit and the maybe maybe not Tewi has to stop and lean against a wall.

Then they meet another human in front of a building, talk for a bit, and they all go inside.

You would leave, except after a minute you can see a light flicking on through one of the upstairs windows and you realize you can see through it. And you figure, you've stalked them this far already, you might as well see what's going on.

What's going on is, you can't make out everything through the small window, but the humans are getting naked very fast. Yes, those aren't real ears. But she has a real tail? It looks like a real tail. It's moving a bit. .... THAT IS NOT A REAL TAIL.

Okay, so they... what are they doing with... and what is that.... OH WOW, you can do th-..... what are they going to do with the...?

THAT is what they're going to do with it.

Oh geeze. Oh wow. You really shouldn't be watching this. But you somehow can't look away. It's like a strange fleshy trainwreck of their bizarre human anatomies.

Where the hell is...?

You finally manage to tear yourself away, as one of them goes around turning lights off, somewhat redder in the face.

You somehow feel like you can never become a bride, having seen this, but after a moment dismiss the urge to howl that thought aloud along with the thought itself.

Leash, stuff, half thought out plan for.... you, uh, you'll get back to that. It doesn't seem like that one is going to really pan out.
No. 50024
In the meanwhile, you go back to the other humans.

The one in lots of rubber, you only get back to see being led off with repeated thwacks of a small riding crop, by another human, in a similar but much more abbreviated outfit.

Right now it's just the bathrobe human. Still stinking of just as much perfume as before.

Oh. Oh wait, there's the other one now. The pink overcoat human just stumbled back out of a side alley, limping slightly before adjusting stride. It looks, if anything, markedly less happy to be here than it was before. Also its face is going a bit purple around the eye

---

[ ] ???
No. 50025
[X] Approach the one with a damaged eye!
No. 50026
==> Approach the injured human.

Will do brain!

==> It is weakened and will prove to be a more vulnerable target.

..... Will do brain!

You land right in front of the human and introduce yourself.

"I'm Flandre, nice to meet you!"

".... What do you want?"

This seems like a little bit of a rude response, and you say so.

"..."

The human sighs and apologizes. It explains that it is just in a bad mood. And that its eye hurts from where it just got punched in the face.

This seems reasonable.

How to go about kidnapping it? Probably best to be subtle, just in case it turns out that kidnapping it is a bad idea.

"I am taking a survey, with a possible Prize!" You say quickly.

You continue on to explain that you just need a few little details, exact height, weight, blood type, fear of heights or flying, next of kin, social associates, extended family, other humans it meets on occasion, basically it should just list everyone that might notice or get upset if it were to suddenly and inexplicably disappear in the night.

The human remarks that this is an unusually specific and similar string of questions, at the end, there. So this is for some kind of sociological research then, some kind of FaceSpace thing?

You reply that it probably could very well be something similar to that. But if it was then you couldn't say so until it was published.

The human seems to accept this with only slight disbelief.

In any case, it is light for its size, slim, doesn't know its blood type but doesn't have any phobia of heights, flying, or falling, beyond the normal. It's also an orphan with no family and hasn't really been lucky about making friends and keeping steady employment, so the only person who would notice really is most likely its new... "employer", with the air-quotes, who it explains is probably expecting for it to run away in the night. It's been an unpleasant first day of an unexpected job, the human explains.

This sounds very interesting, you lie, and ask how it ended up with this job, if it was unexpected or unwanted. Also, you realize that you have no idea what the job is, beyond that it seems to involve standing on the street sidewalk for long periods of time.

Well, the human proceeds to explain, it's down to a number of factors, but in the end it's mostly because several hours ago it narrowly missed being hit by a speeding gasoline tanker truck, which proceeded to crash at full speed into its house, where it exploded and destroyed all of the humans possessions, savings, and house.

That sounds terrible. It was probably something that could not have been avoided in any way, a freak fluke of misfortune, the act of a bored and pettily vindictive god.

---

[ ] ???
No. 50027
[X] Trick the human!
- - [X] But will need to get rid of the employer?
No. 50036
[X] What do you call yourself, one-eyed human?
[X] How much money is this? (Show him the stacks of money)
[X] How would you feel if your..."employer" was to be involved in a....unfortunate accident?
No. 50037
[X] Do not show stack of money.

Seriously, we're in the middle of the road where everybody can see, and you want a yukiri to show a lot of money?
No. 50038
==> Distract the human's further questions by displaying human currency.

... See, you're pretty sure that showing off a Fat Wad of Cash in public is kind of veering towards the stupid.

==> Inquire further as to the human's situation.

No problem.

==> Contemplate if the situation may be alleviated by eliminating the "Employer".

.....

You'll just ask for more details.

The human sighs, and glances around a bit, before admitting it should probably be getting back to work. But it doesn't feel like it. Even chatting with the weird lady in the Flandre suit is better.

You get the feeling that this human has missed something, somewhere, or did it not just see you come down from the sky?

Brushing this aside, the human speaks.
No. 50039
You are now this human, earlier today. Not long, in fact, in an absolute since, after a certain Flandre began flying from points A to B.

That is not relevant, though, at this point or to you.

In the recent past, you have loudly and possibly offensively quit your terrible job. But that was fine, because you had a lot of money stockpiled up in the meanwhile. And it was fine, because you were on to a sure thing with this new bet, and you were going to increase your wealth ten-fold.

Actually, you lost everything. And then some! You still actually have some money left here, but nowhere near enough to cover the debt.

Fortunately for your brain-casing integrity, Mack Daddy Redbone was something approximating understanding about your situation and offered an alternative to being shot in the head (motherfucker) and thrown in a (fucking) ditch (you empty headed sack of shit bitchnuggets). Vulgarity his, not yours.

Instead you just need to watch a couple things he sto- re-appropriated, from other criminal organizations, just for a couple of days to dodge the thieving-back attempt he had (fucking) heard was in the works.

One of them is a supposedly 'magic' stone. Ridiculous. You're sure that there is some reasonable explanation for why the rock oozes blood in the night. You should probably clean that up again now, actually.

The other is a box of something.

You like to think that it's full of gold and stuff, and so your memory is adjusted accordingly, but you don't actually know. You were forbidden from opening it, on pain of getting shot in the (fucking) head. It could be a dead hooker for all you know.

It's probably just important files and paperwork.

Anyway, you've been in here, staring at that stuff, for long enough probably. You should probably get things done. Like making food, and eating it, doing your laundry, and collecting the mail.
No. 50040
..... you do not note these in a quest log.

That would be stupid and insane. You don't have a Quest Log. Quest logs do not exist, and you would have to be stupid and insane to think they do.

You blithely ignore the slate gray sheet of steel behind you, with new words appearing on it, because you would have to be stupid and insane to believe that such a thing actually existed.

----

[ ] ???
No. 50041
[X] Pink Human, go and make some food!
- - [X] Quick food making and eating, also smokes!
- - - - [X] Make sure to lock doors and windows.
No. 50042
Yeah, the siren song of your stomach is probably what you should deal with first. You're half tempted to eat anything else, just to spite the visual hallucination you don't actually see, but come to think of it, a sandwich would really hit the spot.

You head to the kitchen and make a sandwich.

You don't need to worry about closing and locking things, you keep all the windows and doors shut by habit. Keeps out pests. And wandering children. Lets them know that this house is occupied.

The city should probably build an orphanage or something. But at the end of the day, there are a lot of empty houses and apartments, still, and so as long as you don't draw any real attention to where you sleep, such that a landlord or actual owner of a given building might notice, anyone who sleeps outside is pretty much doing so by choice. And the choice not to risk being shot by an angry person. Which is perfectly understandable, actually.

You go ahead and pick up your smokes and put them into your pocket on the way, though.

Not into your Inventory menu. That would be stupid and insane. You're not living in a video game or anything, here.
No. 50043
You finish the sandwich and try your hardest to ignore that quest log continuing to pretend it exists right where nobody can see it. Because it isn't real, and so you don't.

Food is out of the way, now.

---

[ ] ???
No. 50044
[X] Put the bloody stone in a bucket
- - [X] Mop up the blood.
- - - - [X] Go into balcony and have a smoke.
- - - - - - [X] Check e-mail and NOT your porno.
No. 50045
[X] Put the bloody stone in a bucket
- - [X] Mop up the blood.
- - - - [X] Reflect on how smoking kills and you're glad to not waste money on a bad habit.
- - - - - - [X] Check e-mail and NOT your porno.
No. 50046
[X] Add Realize the quest log is real to the quest log.
[X] Add freak out that the quest log is real to the quest log.
[X] Add what you were planning to do to the quest log.
No. 50049
=> Realize that-

No.

Not happening. End of story. And you are not even going to begin contemplating mysterious and whispering prompting voices in the depths of your subconscious.

You are a normal person and as perfectly sane as anyone else in this city, though that really isn't such a high bar to set yourself against.

Instead, you go ahead and clean up all that blood that leaked out of the stone.

The prompt doesn't disappear from the quest log because the quest log was never real in the first place and sooner or later you are going to find some combination of medications...

Right.

.... well, you don't really have a balcony or much want to smoke at this point. Actually, while you have these, you don't really smoke often at all. You can't even remember when you picked them up, you've just had them forever. It might have been in one of the pockets since you were a little wee gutter orphan and this coat was the only possession you had in the whole world. You don't remember.

In any case, you only smoke very infrequently, and more than anything keep the blank white box of cigarettes around because of the nifty pseudo-mystic sigil someone doodled on it with a sharpie at some point.

Now then....

You guess there's no harm in checking your e-mail. It's been a couple weeks. There definitely won't be anything important, or from anyone you know, because you don't really know people, but maybe there's a public service announcement or something.

.... There is, actually, but pizzaville is shit, and even if they're running a discount week soon, you don't really feel like choking down grease-strands and cheese powder spread over tomato juice spread unevenly on bits of cardboard when you could go somewhere else, pay some more, and eat an actual pizza.

The rest is junk, pretty much as expected.

Well, that's that. You're still going to have to check your regular mail sometime soon, of course.

----

[ ] ???
No. 50050
[X] Use the nifty Pseudo-magic sigil to do real magic.
No. 50051
[X] Nip out and check the mailbox.
- - [X] Not that you're expecting any ACTUAL mail, really.
- - - - [X] Go back into house, lock door.
- - - - - - [X] Read mail and go surf some internet
No. 50052
[X] Take the bloody stone out of the bucket, place it into a plastic bag and pocket it.
[X] Make sure you have your cell phone, laptop, wallet, car keys, and some spare tea, then head outside to check your regular mail. Come to think of it, you might as well spare some time to check your irregular mail as well.
No. 50055
=> Use the sigil to-

That sounds ridiculous and impossible and you got all of that shit out of your system when you were a little wee gutter orphan in the back-alleys, desperately hoping that you could wish food to fall from the sky.

Protip: You couldn't, but sometimes people threw perfectly good food out in the garbage, and you could sometimes get to it faster than stray yukkuri. Or failing that, there were very often stray yukkuri.

But yeah, you've clawed your way up from nothing at all in the world and now you have a nice house, plenty of food to eat all the time, some nifty things you've collected over the years, and you don't ever have to fall to such desperate low-points again.

You're hardly going to start wasting your time trying to make some kind of mystic bullshit work now, when you have better things to focus on.
No. 50056
Yeah, might as well check the mail, first.

You're going to first pocket...

Okay, no, that's ridiculous. You can't carry huge piles of bullshit around like that all the time. For one, your pockets just plain aren't that big. For another, it gets heavy. wallet is fine, cell phone, fine. You don't have a car, nor have you ever needed one, so you don't have keys in the first place. It's pointless to carry a laptop out just to the mail and back, and anyway, you have a desk-top, so it's irrelevant. And that rock is stupid heavy. Feels like it's made out of lead, and it's suffering just to move it a few feet at a time. That stupid thing can stay in here until they come to pick it up from you, and then someone else can lug it out of the house, just like that box.

Besides, you don't want to go flashing it about if you don't know whether or not dangerous people are looking for it. Having an obviously 'Magic Rock' shaped bulge in your coat pocket would be a bad idea even if it wasn't so stupidly heavy.

Anyway, you don't even need to go all the way to your mailbox, you just need to get close enough to properly make out the flag-thing. That'll tell you....

Alright, no mail today.

... You feel the soft whiff of something big passing just behind you at great speed. It's followed by the dull roar of a large explosion.

By the time you can bring yourself to turn around, you realize that your house, and everything in it, is beyond saving.
No. 50057
"......"
No. 50058
"......"
No. 50059
".... Yo yo yo yo it is the one and the only, the premier, it is Snoops McStuntz to fuck alla yo' cunts, in the hizzowss."

"......"

"Up in heres from the big man, the one and the only, big boss an' Mack Daddy just the same, Reeeedbone, bitches. Sent me along just a bit ahead, set us up a little somethin-something, a little pick-up on the down-low if you know what I am saying. Sayin' I'm here to start picking up that stuff. You know whats. Ya know?"

----

[ ] ???
No. 50060
[X] .......
[X] Point the man at the exploding and burning house with the truck shaped thing of FIRE and EXPLODIUM.
No. 50061
[X] Spend 30 second calmly walking away from the explosion, giving zero fucks about all your worldly possessions.
[X] "Sorry broski, I was too much of a bitch to carry it with me. Even though it's probably worth more than the heap of charred rubble formerly known as my house. Better luck next time, eh mate?"
No. 50062
[X] Stab him.
[X] Take his hat.
[X] Stab him again.
No. 50063
Oh come on. This isn't your fault. This couldn't possibly have been foreseen. I mean, what kind of retarded insight, what sort of crazy intuition, would have reasonably suggested to you that the heavy freaking chunk of stupid rock would be less safe inside of your house than out of it.

And you weren't kidding about it being heavy either, entirely aside from the box full of who knows what. They didn't plan on carrying it back alone any kind of distance either. The second gofer is just now pulling up, they were going to cart it behind a small motorbike.

For that matter, what kind of bizarre fluke could have led to you being out of the house for one minute to glance at the mail, and that one minute turning out to be the exact minute that a freaking gasoline tanker smashes into it and blows up inside.

Who even needs that much gasoline anyway? It's ridiculous. There is not a whole lot of vehicle traffic in the city. The demand isn't that high for fuel.

This totally isn't in any way your fault. This is a flash-back, not time travel. There's no way you could have seen this coming and changed what happened. Not your fault.
No. 50064
Snoops McStuntz and Snoops McBluntz do not give a shit.

And as far as stabbing goes, they have a knife, and a bat of some kind with a bunch of rusty and painful looking nails in, and you have a wallet, pack of smokes, and cell phone.

.... You think you'd better just get on the cart, like they're yelling at you to, now.
No. 50065
This has been a really bad day. And it's already looking to get much worse.

-----

[ ] ???
No. 50067
[X] Chill until Snoop McSwagz arrives, knowing at the end of the day you can still return to your cozy home and bask in the company of all your worldy possessions.
[X]Oh wait...
[X] Engage Snoop McGunz in polite conversation while subtly looking around for escape routes.
No. 50068
[X] cry.
No. 50069
So. Um.

This definitely wasn't your fault.

Redbone shoots his gun in response.
No. 50070
Once you've gotten your heart under control, you notice that, uh, he seems to have, sort of, shot the hell out of that watch.

Yeah, his fucking bad. It's just this fucking thing. When he gets pissed right the fuck off, he shoots things. Usually, he shoots the things that pissed him the fuck off.

That watch ticking was pissing him off, he's been listening to the fucking thing for the past hour.

So, you want to say something again, shit-head, because he didn't actually hear you the first fucking time. He was busy shooting the fucking piece of shit watch.

........

You thought it would be totally fine, you swear. You only stepped out of the house for a minute, really, to look and see if you had mail, and it wouldn't have mattered anyway, because someone drove a gas truck into your house and it exploded so you would have died horribly if you were in there, and it still would have gone up-

Calm yo fuckin' tits sugarcheeks, you're talkin' so motherfucking fast he cant hear a fuckin' thing you're trying to shit out your face.

It's startin' to piss him right the fuck off.

You shut your fucking mouth right there without further question.
No. 50071
After a few minutes of silence, Redbone points out that it's really starting to fucking piss him off you quiet yo ass is being.

You quickly explain the situation.

Well, he says. Ain't that a kick in the motherfuckin' head. An' after he went and stole all that fuckin' shit from those shit sucking fuck-faces.

Yes, you agree. After that.

Well it ain't so bad, though, he notes. That magic rock was floating around for fuckin' decades and didn't no-fuckin'-one figure out what the fuck it was good for except for bein' ultra fuckin' heavy. Might be as that's all there was to it.

Also, how it would bleed in the night, you point out.

He asks what the fuck you're fucking talking about.

Nothing. It must have been something dripping from the ceiling. Probably not blood at all then, maybe rusty water. You don't know.

Fo'sho, don't he fuckin' know that. But any-fuckin'-way, he wasn't really fucking expecting much of fucking anything from stealin' all that shit 'cept for pissing some motherfuckers right the fuck off.

Oh. That's good.

Yeah, he agrees.

Really, shooting you in the fuckin' empty head is more of a matter of fucking principle than anything.

Oh, you see.

Shit.

Shit in fuckin'deed. Yeah, he could let you go just for bein' the stupid, stupid motherfucker you is, but it's all about the motherfuckin' respek, you dig? He told you to do somethin', just this one fuckin' tiiiiny ass thing, and you went and fucked it up right beyond all motherfucking recognition.

Oh, you see.

Shit.

Yeah, he says, he wouldn't have his ass no motherfuckin' cred no more if he was gonna let you just walk off from this kind of a fuckup.

....... Shit.

..................

..................

.................. On the other motherfuckin' hand, he points out, you gots yo'self some damn nice cheeks, and that is one fine piece of booty-meat you gots yo'self there, sugarcheeks.
No. 50072
Well.

This has quickly gone from bad, to worse, to worser, to worserest.

But on the plus side, if you don't get shot in the head, it's probably tolerable.

Fine piece of ass. He repeats himself. Verry mutherfuckin' nice. Give that booty a shake, sugarcheeks.

You twitch a little.

Naw, that aint' fuckin right at all. Well, maybe next time. He'll just shoot you in the fuckin' head then.

You will try much harder and with more false enthusiasm.

That's fine, he agrees. Doesn't fuckin' matter to him none whether you is fuckin' enjoyin' yo'self.

FIne piece of booty meat.

It's lucky fo' yo' ass he don't like crackin' open the cold ones.

Yes, you agree dully, that is definitely a good thing which you are not questioning right at this very moment.

So any-fuckin-hows, he's in a motherfuckin' good mood alla a suddens, so he's gonna give you a choice 'bout now.

He can still shoot you in the fuckin' head. Be a shame, but he could.

Or he could bust a different kinda cap in that fiiine ass. If you know what he is motherfuckin' sayin.

He's saying he can shoot your, or he can have sex with you. In the butt. It's your call.

........

He's fuckin' waiting, here. Patience pisses him right the fuck off.

Can you have a minute.

Nah. Tick tock, sugarcheeks.

.........
No. 50073
You are now Flandre again.

You don't really want to admit it, but that story was incredibly boring, and you sort of completely zoned out about the time that the human started rambling something or other about a sandwich and all the rest of it is sort of blurry white noise and thoughts of delicious puppies until you zoned back in right now.

You don't really feel like admitting that you weren't paying attention, though, because then the human might start talking all over again.

"So, how's that been working out for you?" You bluff heartily.

............ It could be worse, the human says, after a long and oppressive pause. It's not like this is the first time it's had to do this sort of thing before.

Usually only to survive, which is similar to now, it continues. But more in the face of having starved nearly to death already, and less in the face of choosing between it and a bullet. Most of the time only after a lavish and expensive buffet dinner. It could pretend it was a date that way, even if the other side of things was unpleasant. And it's had worse jobs. Not many worse. Most significantly better, in fact. But there are a few worse jobs, which are absolute living hell, like flooded storm sewage drain un-clogger, where they give you a plunger, goggles, and a scuba oxygen tank, point you to the most relevant man-hole, and wish you luck.

You don't quite follow but nod anyway.

In any case, the Mack Daddy provided it with a small and unpleasant smelling room in a tenement, set a debt that had to be paid off before everything was called forgiven, and set a nightly rate for the terrible little apartment that was much steeper than the weekly rate of most much better apartments, in the face of the human's own house being totally destroyed with everything inside it, and as an act of mingled forgiveness and punishment for the spectacular fuck up that occured.

Uh-huh, you say.

Speaking of that, the human notes, it doesn't mean to cut this short, but it does have.... work to do, if it plans to keep the debt from becoming impossibly exorbitant really quickly, and so unless you have the money, it's sort of run out of the time. Not that it didn't mind venting, but you know how it is.

-----

[ ] ???
No. 50074
[X] Ask where the Redbone is.
[X] Kill Redbone.
No. 50076
[x]Abduct Take her home. She can manage the farm. Least we can do for her after ordering a truckbomb through her house.
No. 50077
[X] ask about buying the female? Ish money?
No. 50078
[x] Take her home. You got yourself a new pet.
No. 50079
Huh, considering that "The Human"'s gender was never mentioned, I'm not really surprised that everyone assumes that its female considering the context of the flashback.

That said, I'm don't think that's a valid assumption to make.
No. 50081
>>50079
I thought he was a guy. You know, because heterosexual/lesbian rape is kinky and goes in /at/ whereas gay rape is funny and goes in the other boards.

Wait, does that make me gay?

[x] Tell him that if he doesn't like his job he could always quit
[x] If he objects in any way, shape or form go find his employer and kill him, if only to stop this guy from telling long stories that end up going nowhere.
No. 50084
[X] Ditch the human, find someone else interesting.

Yeah, not interested in having this character (and the debt that comes with it) forced on us.
No. 50086
>>50081

What? Lesbian rape is still gay rape. Your post makes no sense.
No. 50087
[X] What do you call yourself, one-eyed human?
[X] How would you feel if your..."employer" was to be involved in a....unfortunate accident?
No. 50088
[x] What do you call yourself, one-eyed human?
[x] Abduct Take her home. She can manage the farm. She won't have to pay him for the rent, and her managerial portion of profits can be used to pay him off.
-[x] Or just kill Redbone.
No. 50091
==> The human is suitable enough.

Okay, then.

You let it know that it may have just won a free (permanent) vacation into the pleasantly rustic countryside.

It points out that it sounds like you said something just there, just before 'vacation', in the middle of all the fake coffing and very quietly.

You assure it that it has nothing to worry about in that regard. Nothing to worry about.... ever. Mwaha. Ha.

The human now has a somewhat suspicious look in its eye.

Is there any cash value option for this vacation, it wants to know. Because while living almost anywhere but where it currently is housed would be great, if it just takes off for a week to somewhere, the Mack Daddy will probably kill it if it even looks like it's trying to cut it's losses and get out of dodge. Or worse, drag things into a complex and convoluted process of something resembling law. Red Bone made it sign a contract, you see. It seemed like a good idea, at gun-point. Also, it includes a clause that states it signed the contract of its own free will and choice, which is technically correct, as it could still have chosen to be shot to death instead. Any proper lawyer devoid of scruples and well funded will jump all over that clause.

Well, you guess that at least answers why it hasn't quit.

==> Acquire the Cyclopean Human's Nomenclature.

'White Coat'.

Don't judge. It can see you judging. Don't be so judgemental. When your first memories are of trying to figure out why you're waking up in a dumpster, you don't have a whole lot of luxury of picking and choosing things. Eventually, people just started referring to it by it's most obvious features at the time. Which turned out to be an article of clothing. The human couldn't think of much better, so it went with it.

.... it will also answer to Hakui, apparently. It's a different Japanichi word that means the same thing. Or so the google says. And the human says that it is pretty sure that the google is absolutely trustworthy, or at least that it hasn't let it down yet. That it is aware of.

..... Also, both eyes are fine, it was just punched in one. See, it can already open it again. Painfully. It's not swollen, the human is just winking. For a prolonged duration.

It still looks sort of purple, but okay.
No. 50092
==> Destroy the Red Bone.

Okay brain, you're back to being stupid again.

==> Your Conquest begins here. You will become the ruler of worlds and their destroyer.

But you don't want-

==> By slaying the Red Bone, you will become the Red Bone. All that which fell under the sway of the Red Bone will now be your own.

Is.... is that how it works?

You're not sure that that's how it works.

........... Is it? If that's how it works, then..... well, you guess that sounds legit? Maybe. Half-legit, anyway. If that's how it works, then maybe it would be okay to kill just this one human, by human ways and traditions.

Maybe you should just see this guy in person, first. Where would he be?

The human notes that it can't help but notice that you were not so subtly contemplating murder aloud just now, and it would just like you to know that it is not in any way involved with anything like that as it writes down careful directions to the RedBone's bar and offers to lead you there personally. In fact, it isn't going to see or hear anything about this, or know what the details are afterward.
No. 50093
Redbone wants to know what the fuck you fucking want, y'all skankalicious ho-bitches.

You go ahead and quickly check your inventory. Also a different menu shows up for some reason. ... When did you get those bars, and that graph? It doesn't seem to make any sense at all. Eh, probably doesn't matter. You doubt they have any real relevance to anything.

Piles of money, loaded gun, bananaphone, check. You guess you have options, here.

----

[ ] Benevolency: [Give Money to RedBone to pay off White Coat's debt.]
[ ] Practicality: [Purchase White Coat's contract from RedBone.]
[ ] Whimsy: [Offer to swap White Coat for your Bananaphone.]
[ ] Tyranny: [Shoot RedBone.]
No. 50094
[X] Practicality: [Purchase White Coat's contract from RedBone.]
No. 50095
[x] Practicality: [Purchase White Coat's contract from RedBone.]
No. 50101
[X] Tyranny: [Shoot RedBone.]
-[X] Loot RedBone

We probably don't have enough money to purchase the White Coat. Since this isn't a video game, and there's only so much money that a single stack of money can be.

Also, the dude probably shoots crap in his room all the time. I'm sure one more gunshot isn't going to be a big deal. The only problem would be now we would have to spend money on a hotel, since we won't have arms to carry our beloved White Coat.
No. 50102
[X] Practicality: [Purchase White Coat's contract from RedBone.]
No. 50103
[X] Tyranny: [Shoot RedBone.]
-[X] Repeat as needed.
No. 50104
[x] Practicality: [Purchase White Coat's contract from RedBone.]

If we purchase her contract, then she can't just run away from the farm, and we also avoid the messy business of people or things attempting to avenge this guy's death.
No. 50105
>>50104

>She can't

Except she/he can still run away.
No. 50106
[x] Practicality: [Purchase White Coat's contract from RedBone.]
This option seems the most practical, but what exactly will we pay Redbone with?
No. 50107
[x] Practicality: [Purchase White Coat's contract from RedBone.]
-[x] If that fails, Tyranny: [Shoot RedBone.]

>>50106
The Fat Wad of Cash in our inventory.
No. 50108
>>50101
Good point.

[X] Tyranny: [Shoot RedBone.]
-[X] Loot RedBone
No. 50109
==> Execute the Red Bone.

Yeah, nah, you don't think you will.

Yeah, so, you're here to buy this.

"What."

.... That's fuckin' funny, Redbone thinks. You're fuckin' funny. It's a damn fuckin' funny idea, and he needed his ass a good laugh.

But he don't take payment in no candy wrappers or half-eaten do-fuckin'-nuts, and so's you best get to steppin' before he gets to cappin'.

You start dumping money on the floor.

"Wait, no, seriously, I thought this was going to go... never mind."

Is this enough money, you ask? You've got plenty. Look, lots of it was tied up together, and makes almost little brick sort of things. You don't get the fascination that people have with this stuff, but then, you're not a people. You're a Flandre, and that's much better. But check it out, you bet if you work at it you can make a little money-house with this.

".... You are actually a-"

Redbone stops you and points out that this is plenty money. He hadn't had time yet to get it to where's it would be fuckin' impossible to pay off by turnin' tricks in the back alleys. Really, he'd even be kind of fuckin' upset to lose a tasty piece of ass like this, but Redbone is a man of motherfuckin' discernment and taste in his fuckin' humor and the irony of one'a you buying a human, in so many words, is just motherfuckin' delicious and totally fuckin worth it. Ain't like this be his only fuckin' booty call in the wings, you dig.

The pink coated white coat would sort of like to object to all this, but it doesn't really have a say in anything.
No. 50110
You have lost some money, and your Fat Wad of Cash is now merely a much diminished Wad of Cash.

You have gained the White Coat Contract. ..... Party of the first part, party of the secondpart, heretofore, this and that.... you aren't a great reader, but it looks rock solid and legit.

Also, your bars and doohickies went insane for a little bit before settling down. You don't know what the hell is going on with those. Is... is black full, or white? Is either? Wait, that one isn't working from the right or left, it has a white bit in between all the black parts.

.... Screw it, you don't actually care what they represent or what they're doing.
No. 50111
.... You just have a few questions about the wording of the contract.

Yeah, Redbone don't have the time or the fuckin' interest in going over all the details, he gots hisself a sudden date with miz Linguist ova at the bootay palace. Anna ain't 'spectin' him just now, but she'll fucking budge over whoev's tryin' to make the time ifs they know whats good.

.... So basically, the human now, it....?

Short of it, it best do whatev' you say, or it is gon' wake up one mornin' with a new fuckin' asshole in its forehead. So long as you is givin' it someplace to stay, come three days with no payments, ain't no way the debt, no to your ass, is gon' be paid, so's you might as well consider this a permanent thing rights from the gets goin'.

If, heh, it does give you any fuckin' trouble, just you let the White Panthers know, they'll deal widdit.

.... You're pretty sure that group was called the Black Panthers.

Redbone don't givva fuck. But anyways, just think of that booty in the pink coat as a personal investment. Like, he don't fuckin' know.... a pet. Yeah, there's some motherfuckin' delicious irony there. A fuckin' pet, fo' motherfuckin' sho.

You think about that for a moment, then ask another question, which gets answered in somewhat more elaborate and vulgar detail.

Oh. That sounds more like a wife, you think.

Whatever the fuck you wants to call it.

One last thing. That neat mask he's wearing...?

Voodoo curse. It's actually screwed and bolted into his skull and brain. Supposedly makes him evil. Definitely hurts all of the time and leaves him getting pissed the fuck off easier-like. He doesn't like to fucking talk about it. Now, if you gon' excuse Redbone, he's gonna have to ask y'all to step the fuck out of the bar, he gots an appointment to make an' get to.
No. 50112
.......... You are now Yuka.

It took you a bit, mostly because you were enjoying the sheer relative silence of not having her around to babble about inanities when she wasn't doing her job as messily as she could, but you have figured out that Flandre isn't here.

You had to kill a squirrel yourself. .... Well, you enjoyed it, and it was delicious, but it's still unpleasant. You have your job, and she has hers. That should be simple.

Also, you have noticed that there is no longer any amount of money on the farm proper.

This isn't really much of a concern, you have literally tons of seeds stored in barrels, and a reasonable amount goes back into the ground from crops that get eaten, and you have enough other stuff stored to live on for likely several years.

What's annoying is what you get when you add the two and two together.

She ran off somewhere with all the money. You bet she's even now buying some kind of totally useless bullshit.

-----

[ ] ???
No. 50113
[X] You've got your duty! Upkeep the farm!
- - [X] Farming Ho!
- - - - [X] Make sure the other little yous are behaving.
No. 50114
[X] Tell the half the Yuukas to begin moving the farm perimeter out to current viewing radius. This should be safe since the area has already been scouted for landmines by Flandre, and the Devil Squirrel who previously held the land in his furry iron grip is defeated.
[X] Master's bananaphone is also gone. IF you know the number, try dialing it from the house phone. Even though Flandre probably doesen't know how to answer it.
[X] Basic farm upkeep

Tons of seed...is a lot of seed. Let's put it to good use.
No. 50115
[x] You've got your duty! Upkeep the farm!
-[x] Farming Ho!
--[x] Make sure the other little yous are behaving.
[x] Master's bananaphone is also gone. IF you know the number, try dialing it from the house phone. Even though Flandre probably doesen't know how to answer it.
No. 50116
Banana... what?

No, the phone is still in the house, you saw.......
No. 50117
Oh. There was a banana missing. Oh good.

You hope she just ate it. She better have just eaten it. You hate it when she starts trying to call people on bananas.

.... You hate it much worse when it works. It makes your thoughts painful.

Not your brain. You don't have one of those useless organs. But it does give you something resembling a headache.
No. 50118
..... Never mind that, though. As for expanding the farm.... that would take a ridiculous amount of effort. Just moving the fencing outwards a few meters in every direction would be months of work if you dropped everything for it.

With farming to do, you won't be dropping everything. So it would take a little longer, and if the fencing is expanded enough to include actually usable amounts of ground, you're going to start hitting the woods, and either have to start clear-cutting trees, or sleep with the knowledge that just anything could crawl through the branches and then drop down inside the fence boundaries.

Besides, the farm is already plenty large. Huge in fact. Tons of seeds sounds like you're set forever, but in practice, especially with you taking in a full harvest with every season, it's going to last..... a couple of years, true, but at that point you're going to have to buy more seed. Nobody ships their seeds back to the farm when they're done eating, apple cores and such get thrown away in the garbage.

.... well, that example is no good because the orchards are already well planted, and the trees there will continue to fruit for essentially forever or until they die, so you don't actually need to replant them. But the principle is the same.

............... Anyway, at this point, you're more or less finishing up the last of the day's work and supervising as the sun sets. All of your many descendents will be crawling into their own huts and little houses soon, to sleep.

------

[ ] ???
No. 50119
[X] Hurry and get inside before the sun sets and the zombie yukkuri awaken.
[X] Sleep~
No. 50120
[X] Make sure gates are close.
- - [X] Go into your own home, have dinner.
- - - - [X] Play guitar~
- - - - - - [X] Sleep
No. 50121
[X] Take pride in a job well done.
No. 50123
..... Well, you hate to brag, no that's a lie you love to brag, but if you stopped to feel incredibly smug and self satisfied whenever you did something correctly then you would have no time to ever do anything else.

And as personally satisfying as that would be, there's always farming to be done.

In any case, the others will handle the rest here. The gates are shut and the farm is settling down.

You pluck a few notes here and there on an old guitar, after you've changed for bed. Supposedly, you have some level of instinctive talent? In practice, you're a bit tone-deaf. You consider the instrument a waste of money. Still, maybe someday you'll need a convenient blunt object or something.

Zombie y... Yoshika? No, none of those around here. They tend to hang around in cemeteries, you understand? Anyway, Flandre wouldn't tolerate having one of them nearby. Being made of rotten meat, they taste bad.

Still, they're not even that scary. And they're hardly lurching undead, not actually undead at all. You spoke with one once, perfectly reasonable sort, if not particularly bright. Sure, one might take it into its head to eat you, but then any number of things might.

You would be more worried about, for example, a pack of wild dogs or wolves.

Still, that's what the fence is for. Nothing from dog to zombie is getting through that.

And besides. Zombies only target humans.
No. 50124
Fuck.

You kind of like this word, after some significant thought, and getting it shoved at you in pretty much every sentence by Red Bone. Sort of a verstatile word. Apt for many situations.

Like 'Where the fuck are you supposed to go from here?', for example.

It should have been a relatively simple clear shot of a few or several hours flying relatively safely through the sky. What actually happened, however, was that you discovered that the human was far more prone to bizarre terror of the night sky and distant ground than either of you had anticipated, and not too far in, it had begun squirming and struggling with growing inexplicable fear, never mind that it was only making it harder to hold on to.

You had dropped it.

It was fine, though, you caught it before it hit the ground. Narrowly. In any case, flying doesn't seem like a reliable option at this point, with the human in tow.

Now. Clearly one of these paths leads back to the city, one onward to the farm, and the third.......?

The human interrupts your thoughts. It doesn't mean to alarm you, it notes, but this is the first time it has been outside of the City Limits for anything. And it has heard stories of the sorts of things that can happen to people outside of the city proper. In the woods. At night.

It's on the path so you're relatively safe though.

The human would like to point out that 'relatively safe' is not, in fact, 'safe', but you pretty much just ignore it for now, you need to think.

----

[ ] ???
No. 50125
[X] Good thing you left your initials on the trees you flew past. Just look for the big F near the top and follow them back home.
[X] Even though you still will have to spend the night outside, since nothing from dog to zombie can get past the magical gate after it's closed.
No. 50126
==> Inspect the treetops for marks left in passing.

Hey, good idea brain, you'll get right on that.

.... You dont' find any marks.

You do find something that you can't make out in the dark that was sitting quietly in the treetops, though.

It has a lot of teeth.
No. 50127
..... But look, it was smiling! It's happy to see you.

So you smile back.
No. 50128
When you get back to the ground, after the big whatever it was rustles leisurely away through old leaves, the human is quick to inform you that it isn't sure what that was, but it saw a bit of it, and it's pretty sure that if it sees any more, or if something like it jumps out of the dark, it will pee itself at least a little.

So you know. Fair warning, and all that.

In any case, brain, you're getting slow. You totally forgot that you were flying waaaay above the trees earlier! There was no stopping to mark things up in preparation for walking back or anything!

But that's okay, because you completely forgot that too. No problem, then. At least when you get back, you can just float the human quickly over the fence. It's sturdy, and thickly constructed, and will keep big things from trying to push through and is generally too much effort to climb, but it's not like it's a magical boundary or a high tech force-dome or anything. It's just a really good fence. You guess that some of the things in the forest could just waltz right past or through it, but in general they're pretty good about respecting clearly defined property boundaries.

Which you are currently outside of.

No worries, though. But you should still probably decide which direction to take from here.

---

[ ] ???
No. 50129
[X] South path

Was worth a try.
No. 50130
[X] ask human to close eyes.
- - [X] try and carry human again!
No. 50131
>>50130

That would be even scarier.
No. 50132
[x] Continue on the path that that closest matches the direction you were flying in.
No. 50133
(X) South
No. 50134
>>50130
>>50133
[x] Continue on the path that that closest matches the direction you were flying in.
No. 50135
Okay.

You know that the farm is sort of southish and westish from the city.

Aaaaand..... you think not sure, there was a bunch of spinning near the end there as you tried to bleed off enough momentum that both of you wouldn't splat into the ground. You could probably survive that maybe a little bit for a brief duration afterwards, and maybe heal up if something didn't walk up and eat what was left of you, but you're pretty sure that something like that would have killed the human right off. But you think that south is... this way? Possibly.

.... You walk a fair bit, and don't find yourself anywhere but at an old-ish abandoned campsite at the end of the trail.

It is really dark here, though, it seems like even whatever moonlight there was that filtered through the tree-tops doesn't get here.

You can't see much of anything at all, beyond the faint suggestion of a ring of big sitting rocks, maybe a fire pit?

You can hear the creaking noises of something moving in the branches nearby, and there is a quiet rustling in the grass, though.

----

[ ] ???
No. 50137
[X] help the human make fire?
No. 50138
[X] help human make fire!
No. 50139
[X] Give salutations to the rustling grass. Be prepared to knife it if it tries to attack.
[X] Stare suspiciously at the branches. Also be prepared.
[X] If situation perfect, go make a fire.
No. 50141
[x] Give salutations to the rustling grass. Be prepared to knife it if it tries to attack.
[x] Stare suspiciously at the branches. Also be prepared.
[x] If situation is perfect, go make a fire. Keep it well stocked through the night.
No. 50143
[X]Battle stations!
[X]Equip White Coat with the handgun and position him/her in a tree, tell him/her to hold his/her shots until he/she can see the white of their eyes.
[X] Deploy knife hands, attempt diplomacy with rustling bush.
No. 50145
==> Create a flame with which to drive off the fearful denizens of the night.

Or attract them, sure. It will definitely do one of those two things.

But when it comes down to it, you do like to be able to see the things you are trying to look at. So a fire would be good.

Unfortunately, neither of your inventories appear to contain anything which can make fire. Empty wallet, cell phone which does nothing but blink a dead-battery icon for half a second when you try to do things with it.

The human mentions that just rifling through its pockets like that makes it feel slightly violated. You apologize, this wasn't your intention. Violating the wife can come later. It doesn't know whether to feel reassured by that.

In any case, you don't have the right item to make a campfire, so you bet it's around here nearbyish somewhere. A box of matches or something. It's how it works in videogames, right? Like 'Escape from Lemur Peninsula'. Videogames wouldn't lie to you about how the world works.

==> Engage in diplomacy with the rustler of undergrowth.

"Hello!" you call out into the darkness.

Nothing answers. The rustling does seem to move a bit away, though.

----

[ ] ???
No. 50146
[X] Wait for the sun and guard your human!
No. 50147
[x] Say your name and invite the shaking bush to "play".
[X] Wait for the sun and guard your human!
No. 50148
Does the farm have night time lighting?

If Yes:

[X] Ask the human if he would rather fly or be eaten by the terrors of the forest.
No. 50149
>>50148

White Coat already answered that question.
No. 50150
==> Await the dawn.

Yeah, that should do it. When it hits dawn, the sun will come up, and it'll be easy to find your way through the wooded road.

Let's see, you left the city at..... after dark, but not long after.

So, with that in mind, plus flying time and other stuff....

Yep, probably only something along the lines of nine hours before sun-up. Maaaaaybe ten? On the very outside.


........ Is it getting darker around here, or is that just your imagination?

---

[ ] ???
No. 50151
[X] ask human what it wants.
No. 50153
[x] Ask the human if she would rather fly or be eaten by the terrors of the forest.
No. 50154
RUMIA!!!!!
No. 50155
[X] Remember that Rumias can manipulate darkness.
[X] Will you be able to find your way to the farm if you take up the skies right now?
No. 50157
Fuck it, changin my vote. Don't want our human/wife to think we can't take care of business.

[X] Whatever is in the bush, is obviously smaller than the bush, Charge into bushes and tackle the fucker.
[X] Put that bitch in a sleeper hold.
[X] Drag the unconscious body back to the campsite and present it as a gift to your beloved.
No. 50158
==> Query the human.

Would it rather be torn apart and eaten by forest monsters, or fly screaming through the night sky of a million billions of eyes, far enough above the ground that death, if dropped, will be instant upon hitting the dirt?

It would rather do neither.

But when it comes down to it, flying would be better, as it's not guaranteed death, just incredibly terrifying.

On the other hand, it keeps seeing.... stuff in the branches above, so it's not really at all sure that you would make it above the tree-tops to begin with. Also, it's getting dark now, and it is starting to see faint specks of red in the dark, like... sort of like eyes.

The human would like to leave, like right now. Please.

Hold that thought.

==> Assault the impolite undergrowth rustler.

Well, whatever it was, it hasn't actually been rustling of late. In fact, it's gone very quiet, as though it's remaining perfectly still and trying not to be noticed at all. But from what you remember, it's that way.

You charge into the brush, and are answered with the startled scream of... of a small brown rabbit.

You try to catch it alive, really you do, but when it comes down to it live capture is just not a thing you are very good at or practiced in, and so you sort of puncture its fleshy bits and get blood all over your hands and it kind of dies when you bring it back out.

You have collected one dead rabbit.

.... Yeah, it definitely is getting darker around here.

Could be Rumia. If so, that's great, Rumia are delicious.

Rumia also think you are delicious.

Well, never mind all of that. There are other things that can make it darker. You don't know what they're called, but you know of them. They are significantly less delicious and markedly more horrifically dangerous.

Not really sure which this situation is, but you think if this involved a Rumia, or multiple Rumia, it or they would have called out by now to get a proper gauge on where you are, because they can't see in the dark.

----

[ ] ???
No. 50159
[x] Yeah, looks like it's time to beat a hasty retreat.
No. 50160
[X] Hustle it with your human.
- - [X] Arm the human with gun!
No. 50161
>>50160
Aya Brea?

Mah nigga!
No. 50162
[x] Fuck this shit, make a break for it.
No. 50163
You quickly retreat from the campsite, and note that it is probably not going to be a good idea to go back down that way until you have some means of shedding light on the situation.

At this point, given the crossroads, you are faced once more with a choice in which way to go.

-----

[ ] Left path.
[ ] Right path.
No. 50164
[x] Left
No. 50165
==> Left.

It's as good a direction as any!

You hurry down the leftward path. After a bit, you come across... Well, it's not really a campsite, but a hastily erected campfire, with a couple of figures by it. One in a black cloak and cowl and robes, and the other a Youmu.

Youmu are delicious, but not really worth the effort if they have anything in their hands or mouths that can be reasonably described as having 'sword-like', or barring that, at least 'weaponly' qualities. You think the pan in her hands qualifies, especially when she draws up from the fire and starts brandishing it, showing how it's cherry-red on the bottom.

"Back. We have no room for predators." Youmu barks.

There's a little scar on her face. It's charming, and speaks of a prior failure in combat, but one that failed to kill her. Also, she's shorter than you. This blatantly and without fail displays her to be your junior.

So you could probably take her if it came down to it, maybe. But like you said, not really worth the effort if you aren't obligated to murder her horribly for being on the wrong side of a bit of wood.

Instead, you point out that if she keep swinging that around she's going to dump the food all over the ground. And that would be a shame.

"I said get back."

"Calm down." robes says.

Hm, something about 'robes' strikes a chord. Let's see.... who wears robes?

Oh right, priests.

You wave at the priest.

"We don't have room-"

"It's not too dark yet. Talk a while, strangers." the priest says.

Huffing, the youmu returns to cookery.

"Is this the way to safe?" White coat asks, words a little garbled by the subtle fear rolling off of it in waves.

"It's the way away from the city. Towards it if you turn around." the priest answers. Then does something beneath.... you're not good at guessing humans' gender things, your wife more than most, but you think.... his? Probably his. Robes, which approximates a shrug.

"Neither direction is safe. It has your taste, now." the priest states, casually.

Your wife's eyes shrink a little smaller. But really, you could probably have told it that much. Predators don't really like to let potential prey wander off. You know this for a personal certainty.

It questions, hastily, if maybe running away really fast would work.

"No. Slow to rouse, so you have some time, but it will start spreading out faster and faster until it is sated." the priest says, conversationally. "Your only safety is for it to not notice you, or to drive it off with light and fire."

Ah. You did notice the campfire was going pretty strong, there.

"It's sufficient."

"And we don't have room for more."

"Calm down."

....... Okay. So you're just going to go ahead and ask the obvious...

"Two aren't enough to risk a proper fire, for it. More?"

The priest shrugs again.

"You'll have to find your own. Good luck. Hope to see you again, as opposed to not, because you died."

You hope so too.

But in any case, if you know your adventures, this guy probably serves some further purpose beyond expository greetings and background ambiance. Does he have things to sell or trade, maybe?

".... I am occupied in many fashions. But yes, as it happens... I make exchanges."

Excellent.

What does he have?

"Many fine wares, most of which I suspect you would find utterly pointless." the priest says, casually. "Serpent eyelashes, ground chickens teeth, scales from.... well, it's hardly relevant, things which you don't need and will not trade for. I also have.... hm, a torch, though mind you it will not last long, a spare lighter, some extra firewood.... also a spare hand-axe, if you prefer to gather wood on your own and risk not being speedy enough, or simply wish a convenient combination of tool and murder weapon."

He sniffs loudly, cowl shaking a bit.

".... Also I smell blood, and so I would venture to guess you are carting something freshly dead around. I'll throw in a little salt and pepper with any exchange, enough to season dinner, unless you plan to swap that as well. Smells like rabbit blood. I know this, because I am intimately familiar with rabbit blood, for various reasons. As well as chicken and human blood. Others are less distinct."

Wow, you say. That's pretty impressive for a priest. Also, it's much more convenient than you had expected, from the games you had thought that you would be swapping things back and forth for the next three hours until you found the right match of critical items in between a bunch of junk.

It's no trouble, he replies in turn. Even if he can't spare space by his fire, he prefers that people not die in his vicinity when he doesn't have a carefully prepared alibi available.

.... You also like how he said some things in bold-face, specifically noting their likely immediate importance. You're not sure how he did it, but you like it. Memorable.

It's a carefully cultivated talent, or so he says.

-----

[ ] ???
No. 50166
>>50165
Somehow I don't think this guy is a priest.
No. 50167
[X] Exchange Money for lighter and firewood

I'm not sure what the rate of exchange here is, one something for another of any value? I figure that so long as we get the lighter and firewood we can drop it down somewhere near, light it up and supply it with nearby wood. If we can also get the handaxe that'd be great, but I dunno what the guy would like. Don't really want to exchange the gun.
No. 50170
[x] Exchange Money and rabbit for lighter and firewood.
-[x] Pick up miscellaneous dead, dry leaves/pine needles/grass after leaving so you have some tinder.

Get stuff for a fire and get away, then make our own.
No. 50172
[x] Exchange money and rabbit for lighter and hand axe.
-[x] Show Robes the psuedo-magic symbol on White Coat's cigarette box, ask him to change it into a real magic symbol.
--[X] You look like you happen to be an expert on blood, Mr/Mrs Robes. What it I told you I know the whereabouts of an artifact that generates an ENDLESS supply of blood, AND know a place in the rural countryside where you can practice your dark priest rituals in peace. What would you be willing to offer me in exchange?
---[X] Be sure to get Robes's cell phone number, in any case.
[X]Campfire shenanigans.
No. 50179
[x] Exchange money and rabbit for lighter and hand axe.
-[x] Show Robes the psuedo-magic symbol on White Coat's cigarette box, ask him to change it into a real magic symbol.
--[X] You look like you happen to be an expert on blood, Mr/Mrs Robes. What it I told you I know the whereabouts of an artifact that generates an ENDLESS supply of blood, AND know a place in the rural countryside where you can practice your dark priest rituals in peace. What would you be willing to offer me in exchange?
---[X] Be sure to get Robes's cell phone number, in any case.
[X]Campfire shenanigans.

Sounds good to me.
No. 50180
==> Exchange and barter goods and currency.

Yeah, sounds fair. You should have enough money for all of that.

The priest stops you, as he must insist that he can only exchange one item for another item filling a single inventory slot. Those are the rules for exchanges, and not just a convenient way for him to inflate the price and make more for the same amount.

That's the merchant rules, and those still also apply, but that's neither here or there.

.... Uh huh.

In that case, you'll just go ahead and divide the one '$$' stack of money into two separate '$' stacks. That's fair, right?

..... It's an excellent work-around of the rules, the priest agrees, and really it's all up to interpretation to begin with. He can't really justify dividing it any further than that, by either set of rules he's working with, but it definitely seems fair and not like he's still ripping you off at all.

Great. You'll take the lighter, axe, and firewood, you decide.

.... The lighter looks remarkably like a candle.

"No no. It's a novelty lighter. See, push here, and fire. ..... You'll have to grind the other end into something a bit to smother the flames, but there you go. Be careful you grind it really well, or you might end up starting extra fires you didn't intend."

... Okay. And it looks like there's smears of old and rusty red on the axe?

"Chicken blood. From cutting off chicken heads for dinner, most certainly."

... Sounds legit, and he's the one who would know. You can't really tell the difference beyond 'blood'.

Well, at least the wood seems fine.

==> Inquire as to arcane glyph.

Hm, the priest 'hmm's.

It looks sort of like a backwards 'Laguz' from a futhark rune set. But in the end, not really at all. Possibly.... half of a 'Copith', or potentially a less common rune of equilibrium, though if it is it's been horribly mangled to the point of probable uselessness.

It could well be a mark of power from a more personalized set of arcane marks, in which case it would probably take years of study to figure out what exactly it was, or what it is supposed to do, if it's doing that right now, or if it's waiting for the trigger to do it.

.... Or it could just be a doodly squiggle that someone's toddler drew with a marker. He really has no way of saying for sure, right off the bat.

Well, he would trade for this anyway, if only because it's filled with cigarettes. But then, he'd also trade for the dead cell phone or the empty wallet. Wallets can always be filled, and dead things can be reanimated, after all. Really, he's basically available for anything you feel like trading.

Your wife asks politely if everyone could please stop rummaging through its pockets without asking.

==> Inquire regarding magic blood rock.

Huh? What magic blood rock?

Oh, was this during story-time?

Sorry, brain. But you should already know that you weren't really paying any attention to that at all.

==> Offer farm as lodgings for dark rituals.

... you're not sure you're allowed to do that without asking Yuuka first, but it's fine because he turns you down anyway.

He doesn't like staying in one place too long, apparently, and mutters something about torches and pitchforks that you don't quite catch.

==> Collect communications frequency.

Do... do you mean his cell phone number, brain?

You can get that.

You can't get that. Because he apparently doesn't own such a device. He communicates through other mysterious means, apparently.

Well, good enough, time to head along.
No. 50181
......

...... Uh.

-----

[ ] ???
No. 50182
[X] Set the nearest tree on fire.
No. 50183
[x] Pray the lighter emits enough light to ward them off and doesn't die while building a campfire (hint start with brush and dead twigs first).
No. 50184
[X] Light Firewood with Lighter.
[X] Drop lit Firewood on ground.
[X] Assuming shadow tentacles back off, use Axe to get more Firewood.
[X] If fire doesn't scare it, FUCKING RUN! AHHHHH!
No. 50185
You fumble with the novelty lighter, hoping that this will help.
No. 50186
After a couple of presses, the tip erupts in flame, casting a small match-light glow around itself.
No. 50187
........ Aaaaand then, with a soft and quiet 'Tss', a tendril of shadow snakes casually out and presses against the lighter's tip.

There's a subtle sniff of something acrid, and you can almost hear a sizzle of something burning, but it accepts this even as it pinches the flame away like a man licking its fingers and simply dousing a candle's wick.

Um.

You guess that is nowhere near a big enough fire to be of any use.

-----

[ ] ???
No. 50189
[X] Light the nearby tree on fire, failing that maybe a pile of leaves? If either one works light your firewood on fire and use it as a torch.
No. 50190
[X] Tentacle monster seems to display intelligence, attempt diplomacy.
-[X] After that inevitably fails, tell White Coat to go get raped for a little bit while you set the nearest tree on fire.
No. 50191
[x] Light the nearby tree on fire, failing that maybe a pile of leaves? If either one works light your firewood on fire and use it as a torch.
[x] Don't tell White Coat to go get raped.
No. 50192
[x] Gather your inner Futo and set everything in sight on fire.
No. 50193
[X] Tentacle monster seems to display intelligence, attempt diplomacy.
-[X] After that inevitably fails, tell White Coat to go get raped for a little bit while you set the nearest tree on fire.

Genius.
No. 50194
>>50190
Please don't.
No. 50196
[X] Quest for Fire!
- - [X] Get some scrap wood and leaves.
- - [X] Pile them together.
- - [X] ????
- - [X] Profit! ie fire!
No. 50198
You are, for the moment at least, 'The Priest'.

You wonder how long it's going to take them to realize that they've forgotten to trade for the torch they need to have in order to brave the darkness to the next campsite and start up a large enough camp-fire to remain safe through the night.

You even helpfully boldfaced that as one of your trading items, and it's not like they lack things to swap it for. For one, you could certainly use a wallet to carry around your new piles of cash.
No. 50199
...........
No. 50200
Oh.
No. 50201
In retrospect, perhaps giving a Flandre access to fire and counting on some level of rational trouble-shooting logic to become involved in the situation might not have been your brightest of notions. It was probably, in fact, very irresponsible of you.

Still, even with a rapidly advancing forest fire now on its way, you should be totally fine. This is a little rushed and slapdash, but totally workable. Well, it was nice knowing those folks. .... Did you leave fingerprints on the lighter? No, probably not. It's fine then.

So when are those eggs going to be finished, hm?

----
No. 50202
You are now Flandre again.

In retrospect, you maaaaybe had better options available, back there.

"HOW ARE WE STILL ALIVE." your wife whines.

----

[ ] ???
No. 50204
[X] Because the fire didn't completely drain our HP bars.

[X] Look for the farm.
No. 50206
>how are we still alive

Quit your bitching. How hard is it to not stand next to a burning tree. A ten year old could walk faster than a forest fire. And we wouldn't have needed the torch if we made a campfire like we voted to do.

[X] Campfire
No. 50207
==> Was creation of a campfire such a difficult task?

Yeah.....
No. 50208
About that campfire.......
No. 50209
See, in hindsight, these things are pretty obvious, but it would probably have been better if it had been started somewhere that campfires were supposed to go, or if you had the slightest idea how to go about keeping the fire in one place when there was so much burny undergrowth and dry-ish grass available for it to grab on and start spreading through.

You guess you could have tried to use one of the logs as a make-shift, stupidly unwieldy, and hard to lug about torch, but it was hard enough just keeping that stupid thing from putting your lighter out every time you lit it up again.

Well, alls well that ends well. For you. And being as you're still alive and not torn apart and eaten by horrible shadow-stuff, you can safely say that this ended pretty good.

For you.

Not so much for various and numerous sleeping wild animals, or wild yu's who woke to find their nests suddenly and inexplicably engulfed in flames, but hey, you can't really please everyone, right?
No. 50210
You helpfully explain that, while incidental burning and dingage was involved in first attempting to get the fire back under control, and later the panicked flight through burning undergrowth and forest area, at no point did either of your hp bars ever drop below one.

The wife doesn't seem particularly enlightened by this explanation.

Also, you still aren't sure what the heck is going on with that graph and stuff.

----

[ ] ???
No. 50212
[X] Check inventory.
[X] Come up with a good alibi in case the fuzz starts asking awkward questions.
[X] Show the human the newly cleared swath of forest, and ask if it has reconsidered flight, now that there is an area free of trees for terrifying tree demons to hide in.

-Also-

[X] Tell the bars and graph to sit down and chill the fuck out. You are fighting for your survival here and you don't have time for their indecisive bullshit. They need to pick what they want to look like and stick with it.
No. 50213
[X] Tell the bars and graph to sit down and chill the fuck out. You are fighting for your survival here
No. 50214
No no, menu. Stop it.

The menu is doing things again. You don't know what it means, but you don't like it.

Go away menu. You aren't needed right now. Shoo. And stop changing things around, whatever those things are. You need to settle down. Settle down graph.

As if in protest, the graph sprouts another level of thingies, and one blips white.

Well.

In any case, at this point, it should probably be safe to fly again, given as you have run out of the trees, and into this.... what'sit, giant stone building sort of a thing. Old and empty. Probably unimportant. You should be able to fly back fine from here.

The human points out that it is also just after dawn by now, and the roaring forest fires have either settled down or moved along to roar and burn elsewhere, so it's probably also safe to walk.

-----

[ ] ???
No. 50215
[X] Let fly back!
--[X] Or at least close enough to know where we're walking to.

Yeah, old castle in the wood? Nope. We've just burned down their backward.
No. 50216
I have no idea how the graph thing work.
No. 50218
[X] Note castle's location for future conquest. In case that whole "Take Over the City" plan ever gets off the ground.
[X] Fly home. Yuuka, Yuuka, and Yuuka must be worried sick. At least Yuuka has her guitar to keep her company, unlike Yuuka and Yuuka.

Hopefully Robes doesn't sell us out to the cops, that shady motherfucker.
No. 50219
[x] Note castle's location for future conquest exploration.
[x] Walk home. Talk with White Coat about Yuuka, Yuuka, and Yuuka. They must be worried sick!
No. 50220
>>50200
Success!
In retrospect we should have traded them the banana or something for the torch.
No. 50222
>>50220
[x] Note castle's location for future exploration.
[x] Actually, now that you think about it, you're pretty sure the Yuukas don't give a fuck about you.
[x] Introduce the human to the Yuuka(s)
No. 50223
[ ] p [ ] y, y , y p y g y [ ] ( )
No. 50224
There seems to be a bit of dissonance amongst us readers concerning our relationship with the various Yuukas.
No. 50225
[X] Note castle's location for future exploration.
[X] Actually, now that you think about it, you're pretty sure the Yuukas don't give a fuck about you.
[X] Homeward Ho!
[X] Introduce the human to the Yuuka(s)
No. 50226
>>50224
Flandre is bipolar.
No. 50227
>>50220

The banana may or may not be a cell phone. So let's hold off on getting rid of it.
No. 50228
==> Return to the agricultural stronghold.

Oh yeah. Yuuka must be worried about you by now.

==> The farmer cares nothing for you. Abandon your attachment to the unworthy peasant.

That is ridiculous, brain! Would someone who doesn't care about you pull out your tongue and nail it to the kitchen table when they found out you ate the last white chocolate chocolate-chip bar?

Yes. Yes they would!

But would they give you a cup of orange juice with breakfast afterward so that it would grow back fine? I think not. And besides, it was going to grow back anyway sooner or later, probably later, the fiddly bits like eyes, tongue, digits, they get trickier than just reconstituting mass into the right places, so it was really just as much of an act of unadulterated kindness as anything, and it's not like when she ate the last strawberry pineapple swirl ice-cream sandwich, you didn't....

Actually, you don't remember much of what happened immediately after that, you were busy being consumed by omnicidal fury, but in the end of it you both chugged a pitcher of orange juice each, sulked and refused to speak with each other for a week, and then grudgingly agreed that you both really needed to be a whole lot more careful about remembering who had called dibs on what food.
No. 50229
In any case, you should get going.

The human would rather walk. You decide on flying anyway. It doesn't say much after a bit, just sort of screams and wriggles, but this time you have a much better grip on it, such that flailing knees and elbows can't mash you in the face, and you can mostly focus on just flying.

==>Note location of stone structure for further exploration.

No, problem, it's just a bit off of....

.... Uh, were you flying north or south of the road? You actually can't recall come to think of it. Well, no matter, it was somewhere in the massive swathes of ash you can now see from the sky, you know that much for sure.

Smokey the bear is going to murder you to death if he ever hears about this. Probably eat you, too. Bears do that. You won't tell him, right human?

The human just sort of screams incoherently. You don't know if it hears you. Oh well.
No. 50231
..... And there's Yuuka now, after only hours of flying!

"I would like to never again leave the ground, please." the human whimpers, clutching at the grass of the orchard.

You refuse to make any promises about that.

"Oh. You're back." Yuuka says. She's holding a farm sickle, fresh from being used to.... sickle farms, or whatever it is she does with tools like that. She's smiling. Obviously happy to see you again!

"So, would you like to explain before I cut your legs off and nail you to a tree, or after? In perfect honesty, I'm probably going to do it either way, but on the one hand, you might be able to change my mind, and on the other, if it's really stupid to hear, it might be better to let me get your suffering out of the way quickly."

You aren't entirely sure exactly to what she is referring to.

"All the farm's liquid currency." She clarifies. "I'd ask for it back, but I'm pretty sure you've blown it on some sort of useless bullshit by now."

You bought a human! In what certainly seems like a thoroughly legitimate and ethical agreement between consenting adults with no coercion involved.

"Ah. The useless bullshit in question, then. Do you prefer I call you 'useless' or 'bullshit', then? Really, I can go either way."

".... My name is-"

"I honestly could not possibly care less." Yuuka interrupts.

-----

[ ] ???
No. 50232
[X] Awwwww did you miss big sis? You know I can't resist you when you get all tsundere on me.
-[X] Please don't be rude to our new guitar instructor/driving teacher/maid.
No. 50233
[X] It's easy! You've lost a human, and so you went out to replace it! The farm just wouldn't be the same without one around.
-[X] And you have the ownership papers for it, too, so if it doesn't work out, you can sell it easy!
[X] Explanation done, attempt to defuse Yuuka, or at least distract her. Hug her, shove the human before her, whatever.

If we get to keep our limbs:
[X] Bonding time! Let's lay down the rules, shall we? The human can also introduce itself, if it wishes to.
But be clear on one thing: it's Yuuka and us who call the shots.
No. 50235
[X] It's easy! You've lost a human, and so you went out to replace it! The farm just wouldn't be the same without one around.
-[X] And you have the ownership papers for it, too, so if it doesn't work out, you can sell it easy!

[X] Besides, it's no useless. It's an investment in insurance!
-[X] Sure, Yuka know the right numbers. But if something happens to her, who will know them?
-[X] Or what if some humans come and try to claim the farm because we aren't humans? We can have the human here act as the owner!
No. 50236
Yep. You know she missed you when she's acting meaner than usual.

There's no need to be rude to the human, though. It can maybe teach her how to play, or the both of you to drive!

"Can you play guitar or drive vehicles?" Yuka says, turning her head just a touch.

"...... Um."

... W-well, you guess you should have asked that before thinking about it, yeah. But still, it's an investment. It can serve as a maid!

"Can you cook better than I can?"

"If... If I don't have comparisons, uh... I can make sandwiches really well."

Well, a pet anyway.

Yuka doesn't interrupt with questions this time, so you guess you have her there.

Besides, with a human gone, it just makes sense for the dead human to be replaced, even if it's at the bottom of the totem pole now. After all, how long is it going to take to teach a smaller Yuka the right things, if Yuka has an accident or something? Sure, this human will probably only last for another sixty years maybe, but that's sixty years of certainty, after a couple of weeks of education. And as pets go, it would last longer than a puppet. Far longer than an adorable, delicious puppy.

"Are you done babbling and drooling?"

Yeah, just a second, okay. Yeah.

"One quick question. While you were out, I don't suppose you spent any of that money on, say, soda pop or candy bars?"

.....

..... Yeah, come to think of it, that would have been a way better investment than a fifth axe for the farm and a novelty lighter.
No. 50237
The sickle swings and oh, hey, there go your legs, nice. One smooth stroke. There you go. You'll just, oh, okay, there go your wings too, though she had to rip those out by brute force.

Yeesh.

Those are going to be a pain to grow back, even more so than the legs.

And just like she said, she has the nailing-tree set up and ready for you, wow, it's been years since something like this last happened and the old board was all worm-eaten and fallen apart but she went so far as to nail a new one up, you really feel kind of touched in the heart over, oh, no, no that's the railroad spike going through your belly. Right. Silly mistake there.

And sure, yeah, she almost has to go ahead and put a couple more through the wrists because at this point if you're not going to go the whole way why even bother, but after that...

Oh. Aw. Aw man, really? The hat? Really?

Doesn't she think she's taking this a little too f-oh come on, that's just outright insulting beyond anything necessary, here. Seriously, at least, you know, at the very least, use paint or something to write the insults in, and not goopy smears of you, come on.

"..... That's better." she sighs, tension draining a little from her shoulders. "Well, I feel better about that, now. I hope you're potty trained, house-pet. Come along, then."

She pauses.

".... Oh, and if you're down by dinner time, it's fettucini in alfredo sauce, with spinach and jumbo shrimp."

.... Oh hey!

You love alfred sauce. Just that and noodles would sound fine, but with the extra bits, that's going to be yummy.

... Just going to have to wait a few minutes here, catch your breath, stop bleeding all over everything, and muscle up the determination to rip your hands off of their spots and sort of wrench the torso spike out of its place in the tree. And your torso, come to that.

Also, you aren't going anywhere without your damn hat, but just a little puncture hole shouldn't be too noticeable. You just have to be careful getting it off, there.

All in all, easy peasy.
No. 50238
You are now White Coat again.

And you think you might want to vomit a little. Not only from the airsickness which you aren't quite over yet, or the horrible but probably nonfatal maiming you just got a first-row seat to, but both combined are kinda... you feel a bit green, is what you're saying.

"Alright, so... oh, never mind that, I'll throw it out later. But yes. There are three beds, so I hope you don't mind sleeping in one someone died in..." you kind of do.... "...because neither of us are leaving ours for you. Bathroom is down the hall, please make messes where they belong and not all over yourself or on the floor. I'm not sure if you're trained."

You are perfectly capable of using the facilities.

"Really? That's good. I just wasn't sure because, well you know, you humans. It just seems to take you forever to pick up on that, and talking, you're basically just useless sacks of squalling meat for the longest time. My apologies."

..... Um.

"In any case, bathroom, food is served when I or Flandre make it, if you go through eating things without permission I'll break all of your fingers, especially if you manage to get something I intended to eat."

.......... Um.

"Well, unless i'm satisfied your food is adequate, anyway. That said, I'm fairly sure we have some sort of suitable clothes for you somewhere, housepet. Maybe a maid skirt or two."

Wait, cloth-, no, that's not the problem, you...

"I don't know what your objection is, and I don't really care, so don't bother." Yuka advises, interrupting you.

------

[ ] ???
No. 50239
[x] Ask what is going to be your job. Something a bit less broad as 'pet' or 'maid' or 'food'
No. 50240
[X] Submit to the Yuuka.
- - [X] Use the toilet.
- - [X] Get cleaned up.
- - - - [X] Look at the change of clothes available.
No. 50243
[X] Demonstrate your usefulness! Do something....useful
No. 50244
[X] Demonstrate your usefulness! Do something....useful
->[X] Clean the sheets on your bed, no point laying in dead people when you can clean the sheets.
No. 50245
So.

Not to get too uncomfortable about this, but you'd kind of like to know exactly what you're here for. Like, a job description. Specifically. Like, is your job supposed to be 'cook' or 'housekeeper' or.... what?

"....... 'Toy'." Yuka decides, after a few long and uncomfortable moments of thought, while she stares at you and you just sort of squirm a little in place.

.... Oh.

"It's alright. We're not going to eat you..... probably~♪"

... Oh. That.... should be a good thing to hear, but somehow, you're just feeling more and more uncomfortable.

".... Hey, while we're at it." Yuka says, thoughtfully, and smiles. "Why don't you tell me about how we're a lot of miles from anywhere, and hardly anyone knows you went out here in the first place? And even so, there's nobody who expects you to come back anyway. We can talk about that for a while, ufufu~♪"

..... You laugh weakly, and cringe at the teasing, as Yuka's S-meter increases by two.
No. 50246
..... You feel pretty.

Or, no, that isn't the issue here. Your coat went into the wash, obviously all your clothes had to, they were stuck with ground in ash and dirt and stuff. You were approaching filthiness at high speed, after events and a night of roughing it.

Really, you guess you should be grateful you got offered alternate clothes at all.

But.... maid fetish-wear is really, it's sort of.... the skirt barely reaches your thighs, and they managed to dig up a matching set of green heels. They... they really didn't have anything else to wear? Saying 'We'll go ahead and play dress up with the doll' is kind of.....

... You went ahead and wore it anyway. You're starting to suspect your personality might have unexpectedly submissive facets. It's the sort of thing that you would have thought you'd have long since discovered about yourself by now, but even so.

In any case, you did some laundry. They might have cleaned the sheets from that bed, but if you're going to sleep in it yourself, you'd be happier knowing they were cleaned, even if they looked clean. Not much to be done about the mattress.

.... And it looks like that while the farm has running water, it's because it gets raised up from the well, then put into a basin, and then pumped along tubes from there to a pair of cisterns for hot and cold water up inside the highest point of the building itself, and runs down from there. With several loads of laundry done.....

Your back hurts. Your feet hurt. There's a surprising amount of labor involved with even the littlest things, out in the country. And you had to do it all in fetish-wear and heels.

You don't want to even consider asking why they had all of it out here. One of those things you just Aren't Meant To Know.

But in any case, you guess there's a saving grace in that most of what saw your humiliation honestly didn't care about it.

........ The place is huge, after even only a cursory and brief poking about. You'll just take a few moment's rest here, with a quiet and cool breeze coming from over the nearby lake.

-----

[ ] ???
No. 50247
If Yuuka she her sleeping, the S bar will raise again.
No. 50248
[X] Relax, but don't sleep.
- - [X] Try not to think of your circumstances or how your quest log has been updated...
- - - - [X] You have no quest log. No... no, you don't.
No. 50249
[X] Appologise to the bars and graph for yelling at them. You were under a lot of stress, and would like to be friends again.

As Flandre.

[X] Practice your maid spin/wink.
[X] Explore da farm, meet da Yuukas.

As White Coat.
No. 50250
[x] Enjoy the breeze for a few minutes.
[x] Explore the farm, meet the Yuukas.
No. 50251
Flandre: [X] Appologise to the bars and graph for yelling at them. You were under a lot of stress, and would like to be friends again.

White Coat:
[X] Explore the farm, meet the Yuukas. Fresh air will do you good.
[X] Get resigned to your fate. It looks that your future holds uncomfortable footwear and fetish clothes. At least Yukkuri aren't likely to desire more than eye candy. You hope.
[X] Inventory check. What do you have, what do need, what do you want, what can you get? Start with the essentials (tampons, underclothes, etc.) and move on from there.
No. 50253
>>50237
I feel bad for Flandre
No. 50267
Flandre: [X] Appologise to the bars and graph for yelling at them. You were under a lot of stress,and would like to be friends again.
No. 50268
You just take a few minutes to relax and enjoy the breeze.

There is no twirling. You definitely didn't do a spin and a wink. You definitely didn't stumble and fall on your face mid-spin. You definitely didn't get a bloody nose from a rock.

... You don't like high heels.

Stupid nonexistent 'Luck' stat. Stupid zero. You're definitely lucky sometimes, in little ways, so a judgement that you have none of the luck ever would definitely be incorrect. For example, you didn't actually break your nose, and you aren't concussed or anything.

You would definitely call that lucky.
No. 50269
.... Oh fuck you, nonexistent meter. Negative readings? That doesn't even make since, and is impossible and insane, just like you.

.......... That aside, you think you'll just sit down on a rock for a minute before wiping up the blood and continuing on.

Anyway.

There's.... not much to say about the Yuka tending the fields. Basically, in every respect, as far as you can tell, they're.....

Yuka.

Just smaller. And less Yuka, somehow?

They're somehow cuter, a bit, with less of the weight of the big Yuka's.... personality backing them. Though the largest ones come close, you guess. ..... And none of them really seem to much appreciate being called away from farming just to chat.

That aside, you more than suspect that there are individual quirks and unseen facets to their personalities beyond just 'farmer one two three' and so on, but it may take longer than a couple snatches of conversation here and there to work all of it out.

.... You guess that for the foreseeable future you won't have much but time, though.
No. 50270
Hokay.

You're Flandre again. And after some work, you've gotten your hands down off of their spikes. Better yet, you've got your hat down. You would have gone for the torso first, but then you asked Logical Thinking what he thought about that, and you realized you would be stuck out here at least all night waiting for enough of you to grow back to heave yourself up the tree and get the hat off if you didn't get that before you went down.

Logical Thinking is one of the best presents he gave you.

.... it doesn't beat out the quintuple chocolate strawberry Armageddon fudge ice-cream cake that one time, not by far, but it's still pretty good. To be fair, though, that cake was basically the equivalent of a hundred nights of passionate and tender lovemaking distilled into a single meal. Hard to top that.

Anyway.

You guess you should apologize. Sorry, sheets. You were just in a bad mood. You didn't mean anything by it. There, there.

.... oh fuck, you tore it and smeared some of you in.

Crap.

Well, uh, you didn't mean that either. Sorry.

Plus side, your wrists are mostly healed over, so what you're smearing around there is just basically already-shed gunk, and you aren't bleeding further. From there. And even your legs are slowly growing back.

-----

[ ] ???
No. 50279
[X] Spend 9 hours practicing your laser.
[X] Attempt to send a mental message to White Coat asking for an orange juice rubdown.
No. 50285
[X] Spend 9 hours practicing your laser.
[X] Attempt to send a mental message to White Coat asking for an orange juice rubdown.
No. 50286
[X] Try to pull yourself out of the last nail.
No. 50287
>>50286

And then Flandre gets to lay facedown in the dirt for the rest of the night.
No. 50289
[X] Pull yourself out of the last nail.
-[X] Drag yourself back to the house, you've got fettuccine in alfredo sauce to get to.
No. 50291
==> Attempt to utilize your ocular refractor beams.

Look, brain, you're just plain pretty sure at this point that eye lasers are not a thing you have. 'Just' being able to fly and grow stuff back has worked out pretty well for you so far, though, even if vomiting up a high intensity beam of red death would be pretty awesome.

That's a Shanghai thing, though. Or, rarely, an unexpected surprise from an over-confident Marisa.

==> Remove the nail from yourself. Alternately, remove yourself from the nail.

Anyway. Yeah.

Pulling the nail out is going to be, in a word, hard.It's stuck in there good, you don't have good leverage, and the long spike is sunk deeep through you and into the tree behind you.

You'll be late for dinner. You'll definitely be late for dinner.

You're going to have to do it the other way, then. But with that, the problem....

Like the barbs of an arrow or hunting spear, the head of the nail spreads outward, designed specifically to both make it easier to hammer and to keep the things nailed in place nailed into place.

So... it's going to be easier to wrench your softer body off of the nail, but it's going to hurt. Oh boy is this going to hurt. Good thing you don't have any organs or anything like that!

You heave, and wrench, and eventually fall forward onto the ground, gasping for breath.
No. 50292
==> Request a soothing and healing massage from the chief harem slave.

Don't be ridiculous, brain, the human isn't even h-

"Are you ok..... okay, um.... are you alive?" The human calls, dubiously, from nearby.

You look up.

..... It could be your greivous state of injury talking, here, the throbbing pain making everything go fuzzy and strange like a toddler's oil painting, but you are going to hit that like the tentacles of an elder god grotesquely violating 1d6 investigators per round.

And here you had thought that all of those mating instincts had just gone away. Silly you.

-----

[ ] ???
No. 50296
[x] Get the harem slave to carry you inside to the dinner table.
-[x] Make her feed you.
-[x] After supper, make preliminary inquiries into the possibility of carnal relations. See if there's any drinkable alcohol around that could expedite matters.
No. 50297
[X] Get the harem slave to carry you inside to the dinner table.
- - [X] Make her feed you.
- - [X] Make... plans on assuaging your 'needs'.
- - - - [X] Wait for limbs to be healed first.
- - - - - - [X] Your wife pet thing can play nurse.
No. 50298
[x] Request orange juice from chief slave.
No. 50301
[X] Get the harem slave to carry you inside to the dinner table.
-- [X] Make her feed you.
--- [X] Orange juice bath...together with White Coat
---- [X] Wait for limbs to be healed first.
------ [X] Your wife pet thing can play nurse.
No. 50313
[X] Get the harem slave to carry you inside to the dinner table.
- - [X] Make her feed you.
- - [X] Make... plans on assuaging your 'needs'.
- - - - [X] Wait for your limbs to be healed first.
- - - - - - [X] Your wife/pet thing can play nurse.

Yay for restraint! Did Yuuka plan this? Suspicious..

Also, I've been thinking. We've a farm. Given the numbers of Yuuka around, it's presumably *very* prosperous. The map, among other things, had some - likely fruit-bearing - trees marked out between the fields, which in turn implies that we can take care of them.

Could we, perchance, produce our own orange juice? Or is the clime inappropriate/seedlings unavailable?

It would certainly help out a lot in the future, if we managed to become independent of the City where this infinitely important commodity is concerned. (If we aren't already.)
No. 50315
Those brown dots?

Huts and little houses. Ones worth noting on the map at all, anyway.

For trees, the orchards are the smaller and darker green squares.
No. 50316
==> Reassure the human that you are unharm...

....

==> .... Confirm that you continue to live.

You take a moment to think about how to say this. Yeah, there's not really any other way. You smile widely and with confidence, and lift your thumb.

"Don't worry! If I die, then I can't have the sex with you! So there's definitely no way that I'll die!"

It seems like it was definitely the right thing to say, because just like that, all of the human's concern for your injuries just evaporate like dew in the sunlight.

In any case, it's close to dinner time. If you crawl the whole way from the orchards, you're going to get there a little late and probably covered with dirt, so the human should carry you. Yeah, the human should definitely be a good wife and carry you there.

"... Yeah, whatever."

And it should sit in your lap during dinner.

"Isn't there no way? There's no way. Just to start, you don't have a lap right now."

.... You guess that's true. Fine, then, just this once you'll sit in its lap instead. It can make up the difference by hand-feeding you dinner.

"Wh-what is with these absurdly unreasonable demands..." it grumbles, even as it cringes a bit and lifts you off of the ground.

Now, to think....

Obviously, you need to get it drunk. Yeah, getting it drunk and pliable would be best. And then, after dinner, when it's red-faced and teary-eyed.... ufu. Unfuhuhu~

"Ah... yes it's dinnertime. I hope you didn't help-?"

"Geeze, of course not...."

"Right, so there's the main dish, with a side of garlic breadsticks and a marinara dipping sauce. For drinks..." Yuka explains.

Orange juice! It definitely has to be orange juice. And booze.

"... So I'll add in some rum, and make it a cuban screwdriver, I suppose? I guess it'll be like that then." Yuka says, slight amusement in her tone.

Sounds great. You'll eat up!

..... You ate a lot of it.

........ Somehow, though, even with you urging the human to drunk up, its face refuses to get much redder than it already is.

Whyyy? This isn't according to plan at all...

"Uh, my alcohol tolerance is a little higher than average, I guess. There was a time when I ended up having to serve tables in a pub, and it came with free drinks and salty pub-snacks... well, 'free' in the sense that if you didn't mark the deduction against your pay, nobody was ever going to know or really care, but...."

That's not fair. That's not at all fair. What happened to your plans, and with the human wearing something like that in front of you?

One way or another, you're definitely going to-!

".... Is she asleep?"

"Ah. She's asleep. Really, the orange juice was one thing, but having alcohol when so much of her body mass was already gone... what was she trying to accomplish, I wonder?"

"... It went up by one just now, didn't it?"

"Hm?"

"And besides, who was it that caused that reduction of mass in the first place, huh?"

"Oh? I don't see where that's at all relevant. Shouldn't you get her to bed?"

".... yeah, fine."

.......... suck it.

Suck my diiiiiighrbl..

".... I'll just pretend I didn't hear that at all." The human sighs.

Good night.

-----
No. 50318
At a certain burned out crater that used to be a modest but comfortable private residence....
No. 50319
"So. What are the damages?"

Silence reigns in the little clearing as the messenger pauses to think, putting it all together inside of their head.

".... As expected, the unexpected forest blaze utterly destroyed all of the shelters and long-term food storage." She says, uncomfortably. "A little bit of food was saved before the fires reached us, but it wasn't really much at all. As it happens, it's all already been eaten."

"I suppose there's no helping that. As long as everyone made it out safely. Speaking on that note, do you have news from the neighboring...?"

"One of the nearby tribes was made up of mainly water-tolerant sorts, and they escaped to a pond while the fires passed them by. The rest perished. As for the other tribe.... there hasn't yet been any sign of survivors from it."

".... It's a shame."

"To tell the truth, they were often a nuisance, and would frequently attempt to attack and raid us. While their demise was unexpected, few tears will be shed... if they had been any more organized, on several occasions, it could have been dangerous for us."

"It's still a shame. On that note, have any from the other tribe come looking for refuge?"

"Yes.... the pond is filled with bounties, but even now it's floating ash over its surface, and without surrounding plants and wildlife, it won't be able to sustain the current population. It's a shame, but we'll have to turn them elsewhere..."

"That won't do. Accept them all."

"I... But, even at this time, our hunters and gatherers are barely able to sustain us for food. Adding more, in the wake of a disaster like this, is..."

"Never mind that. Our sisters are crying out in need. What kind of leader could I call myself, if I were to look down on them and say 'No.'? It can't be helped. We're in dire straits ourselves, but there are some plans already in place for things like this."

"But.... some of those are very..."

"Didn't I say that it couldn't be helped? Well, it hardly matters. We'll find a way, isn't that right? Go ahead and let everyone know to welcome our sisters, then."

".... It's an unreasonable position to take. But, so be it, then."

---

..... Please stay tuned~
No. 50324
Well it is obvious that, our team being a slave a madwoman and a sadist, their antagonists would be good-spirited honor-bound warrior who will only raid the farm because they are forced to.
No. 50334
>>50324
That'd be an interesting event.
No. 50335
Fucking Robes! I knew that bastard would stab us in the back.
No. 50338
Yukkuri civ?
No. 50342
>>50340

Next thread.

Feel free to discuss or what have you here still, but be sure to sage until it hits autosage.