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File 149497069519.webm - (1.38MB, 510x510, firefire.webm) [iqdb]
14857 No. 14857
>>/blue/23156 brought up a pretty good idea, so let's give it a go and see how it works out.

This is the thread for all writers who want critique (despite the title, yes, real critique) hurled their way based off of their posted work. Put your name on, link your story, and wait for anon to roast. Easy peasy.

And since it'd be kind of silly to start off a thread without, y'know, contributing to its premise, I'll go ahead and offer my own work up for roasting. Sure, it's dead, but go ahead and roast away anyway: >>/youkai/28957
24posts omitted. Last 50 shown. Expand all images
>> No. 14884
>>14858
I think the major problem with your story is that it appears to be a sequel. A sequel to an older story of yours that itself has not yet been completed. People generally do not like reading a sequel without first finishing the prequel. And it sounds like a lot of interesting stuff happened in the prequel, what with people talking about how Kogasa murdered a man in cold blood and Sekibanki hooked up with her because of it. Boy howdy, I bet that would have been fun to read. To bad we can't read it since it hasn't been written, and even you did write it the plot twist is totally spoiled now.

Its kind of like if someone started watching the second star wars movie, and then stopped watching it halfway through in order to start watching the third movie. When they stopped watching the second movie, everyone had just arrived in Cloud City, but then they start watching the third movie and suddenly Han Solo is frozen in carbonite and everyone is talking about how Darth Vader is Luke's father. They can't enjoy the third movie as much because they don't know how all this happened and can't understand whats going on, and they can't enjoy the second movie as much since now they know spoilers.

Its pretty much always a good idea to finish writing your stories before you consider writing a sequel for it.
>> No. 14885
> Boy howdy, I bet that would have been fun to read.

I almost feel like spoiling that entire scene just to prove how underwhelming it is.

Anyway, lesson learned. Thanks for all the feedback guys, I'll be a better writer in future because of it.
>> No. 14886
>>14880
>>14882
I agree with the both of you. From what I've gleamed, it's really the second person perspective that is the crux of the problem. If I knew what I was doing at the time of the story's conception, I probably would have made it third person instead. An Excuse for A-Who is too far in now, but I suppose it's something to take note for future stories.

>>14884
>People generally do not like reading a sequel without first finishing the prequel.
h-haha yeah who would make a sequel for a story that isn't even finished yet right guys
>> No. 14887
File 14953815591.webm - (3.89MB, 480x270, Mami vs Homu.webm) [iqdb]
14887
>>14881

I really can't think of anything. Having your MC be able to control time kinda makes him too OP for most enemies except other time manipulators and Mami Tomoe.
>> No. 14888
>>14887
Ah, It seems what I was worried of is what happened. He can't 'control time' per say. More work on a 60fps while the world is running at 24fps. As shown with the Sakuya fight, He's nothing compared to an actual time controller. Had he not been speeding up to try and get away, Sakuya wouldn't have even had a fight, she woulda just curb stomped him.

Seems I need to get more into the purple prose when it comes to explaining things.
>> No. 14889
>>14888

You really don't. This;

>The Yokai girl was still inching towards me, drool almost falling from her open mouth.

is pretty clear. Though I've never read a story where people with timehax weren't overpowered, I guess I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and take back what I said about him being OP.
>> No. 14890
>>14889

Hm. I should take that into consideration then. I've always been of the thought that even the best works have something to improve on, and mine is no different.

As to the reason I was looking for criticism in the first place, what would you have to say on the matter of the last vote? Should I go back and explain the vote a bit more, or give a chance for anon to get the story if they want it, or should I simply continue on with 'that's how anon voted'

I admit I may care a little too much about votes, but going from 4 to 1 kinda threw me for a loop.
>> No. 14891
>>14890

Unless your storyline is tied to a clearly defined timetable(e.g you can do whatever you want this month so long as you infiltrate the palace and steal the treasure before October 22nd a la Persona 5), you shouldn't have eat and sleep as options. If you're doing a good job as an author, both should fall into the natural pace of storytelling. Eating alone is also a bad vote option. I feel like you intentionally made these options undesirable because you wanted to write a Shou scene.

My advise is threefold;

1. Asking in thread why people didn't vote might lead to some people besides myself revealing why they didn't like the past updates.

2. Continue updating for a bit, and try to feel out where reader response lies.

3. If neither of the above work, you should probably stop writing the story.
>> No. 14892
>>14891
Mh. Thanks for the advice anon. Imma see what anyone says, and go back to the drawing board to see what if my plans needs possible tune up. If nothing else, I guess I'll get the next part out with one vote.
>> No. 15000
File 149912902974.jpg - (65.25KB, 549x800, tei.jpg) [iqdb]
15000
>>/th/194077
Give me the biggest roast beef in the store, friends.
>> No. 15001
>>15000

Pros:

1. Significantly less cliché and cringy than I expected. You've definitely gained another reader.

2. Storytelling is fluid despite conflicting and dynamic vote options. Go ahead and give yourself a pat on the back for this one.

3. Protagonist presents a welcome challenge to the form. The fact that gods in the Touhou setting have strengths, weaknesses, fears, dreams, and aspirations is something this community hasn't explored nearly enough.

4. Tolerable OC. I found his overly blasé personality kept a natural and appropriate pace with the plot. I very much expected one to completely overshadow the other and make me drop the story.

Cons:

1. Let's just pretend those first few updates never happened.

2. A worryingly high number of the comedic moments, particularly ones involving situational irony, fell short. However, these instances became less and less prevalent as the story progressed.

3. The slightly nebulous "lolrandom" cloud hanging over the first thread. Take this one with a grain of salt, seeing as you eventually tied everything together stylistically without glaring continuity and pacing issues.

Your positives definitely outweigh your negatives, so keep up the good work.
>> No. 15002
>>15000
Well, I started reading your story. I made it through the first few posts and then stopped reading, because in that short time I have already discovered the major problem with your story. It isn't a story. Its a random collection of shitposts that you tried to pass off as a story. There's no plot, there's no coherent cause and effect to anything that's going on, its just a bunch of lolrandom crap being flung around with no rhyme or reason.

So if you were trying to shitpost then mission accomplished. Your "story" is well and truly shit.
>> No. 15003
>>15002
>he didn't keep reading
>> No. 15004
>>15003
Should I have kept reading? I think most people on this website would decide whether they would like a story or not within the first 3 updates. I read the first 10 updates and they were all shitposts, and I saw no signs of that changing any time soon.

Judging by >>15001 the story apparently stops being shitpost central at some unspecified point in the future, but seeing as how I would have to wade through a lake of shitposts to get to that point I have decided that its not worth the effort. I'm willing to bet that there are plenty of other potential new readers who would feel the same way and would be turned off by it too. If the writefag wanted us to take his story seriously, maybe he should have started his story seriously. As it stands, the story starts out as a bad joke, and since first impressions are everything I'm going to treat this story as a bad joke.
>> No. 15005
>>15001 Here.

I honestly think >>15004 is a valid form of critique. His presence, opinions, and ability to influence others represents a fair and honest representation of the phenomenas occurrence, as derived from the subset of "chan" culture. Authors should definitely be mindful of this kind of thing when posting media online.
>> No. 15006
>>15005
>'starting your story with a dozen posts worth of unreadable unfunny shitposting is a bad idea' might be valid criticism

Thanks for your insight, captain genius.
""chan culture"" has nothing to do with it, I just don't want to read trash. Can you link me to the post in which the story *really starts*? I'll give it a shot then.
>> No. 15007
>>15006

Probably not. I seem to be having a hard time finding a common wavelength of thought from which we both can approach this, despite my status as a genius. I don't want to come off as overly presumptuous. Again.
>> No. 15008
>>15002
>>15004
I wrote these 2 posts.

Someone else wrote >>15006

I just feel like I should point this out.
>> No. 15009
>>15008

Eh, I don't think it matters in the end. We're all Anonymous users arguing from our respective, unassailable thrones. Personally, I'd be happy to discuss a witty repartee from either side of this argument. Purely for the sake of my own petty amusement.
>> No. 15010
>>15009
Eh, it matters. Talking to >>15006 would be a waste of time, whereas >>15004 is just misguided.
>> No. 15011
How about everybody stops shitting up the thread and just drops in their critique and walks away? That's probably more valuable.
>> No. 15012
>>15000
>Pros:

Protag likes to shitpost
Main character is consistent so far and somewhat well-written

>Cons:

Story revolves around protagonist, don't overdo that
Updates are generally short-to-medium-length, yet updates are not frequent
Not many possible directions story can take with a main character being literally a god
No plot, central conflict, whatever - shoehorning plot/story would be worse, but it's still bad

You get six outta ten and advice to ignore people that hate funposting.
>> No. 15013
>>15001
>>15002
>>15012
Thanks for taking the time to post some good criticism. All three of you brought up valid points and I'll keep your posts in mind. That being said.

>>15004
>As it stands, the story starts out as a bad joke, and since first impressions are everything I'm going to treat this story as a bad joke.
Coming from the author, I honestly side on him with this. Of course, I didn't do it anyway because I love being a hypocrite :^) but a shitty first impression is something that no reader should ignore.

>If the writefag wanted us to take his story seriously, maybe he should have started his story seriously.
u rite

Cheers y'all and happy America Day.
>> No. 15014
File 149919904913.png - (567.26KB, 600x700, thinly veiled CP request.png) [iqdb]
15014
>>15013

Happy America Day? Without a Clownpiece one-shot? No my friend, this time, my America Day will be cold, dark, and devoid of all spirit and meaning.

As I sit here counting the seconds until the morrow and listening to fireworks in the distance, my only thoughts will be for all the lovable clown fiction that could have been.
>> No. 15015
File 149919974513.png - (203.99KB, 393x489, cp.png) [iqdb]
15015
>>15014
You do know what happens to people who post CP around here, right?
>> No. 15049
Give it to me. Raw. Don't hold back.
>>/border/29716
>>/border/30951

Might as well while we wait for the next update to come out sometime next year.
>> No. 15050
>>15049

Pros:

1. You respect your readers enough to announce story delays and hiatuses fairly consistently.

Cons:

Your shit update schedule doesn't allow for meaningful storytelling.

2.3/10. Author harder.
>> No. 15700
FEED ME NANOWRIMO LINKS!
>> No. 15701
>>15700
Since I asked for it in the thread, why not here too.
>>/shrine/41087
>> No. 15711
>>15701

Looks like I'm unexpectedly going to have some free time tomorrow. Expect a proper response then.
>> No. 15712
>>15701

Let's start off with the romance elements. With both characters starting the story at maximum affinity for each other, where exactly do you intend to go from here? I hesitate to even call it a romance story since there's zero build-up, mystery, or chase associated with the whole affair. All-in-all, it's appropriate for a month long one-off, but leaves a lot to be desired as far as actual emotional expression and attachment goes.

As an example of what I'm referring to that you could improve on; you used "pout" and "blush" 14 and 18 times, respectively, throughout the course of a month. As things stand, youmu is more a physical manifestation of "cute" rather than a thinking, feeling character.

Moving forward, I'd recommend focusing more on expanding Youmu's intellectual side a bit. At the moment, it's kinda on the level of a several hundred year old dude dating a teenager, which is both awkward and creepy.

As far as the Slice of Life elements go, you definitely did a much better job. Always having a goal for us to pursue keep the story flowing at a good pace. The main thing here would be to better flesh out your supporting cast. Kogasa is doing pretty good, but everyone else reads like a cookie-cutter cut-out from the touhou wiki page. You're doing a good job with having them engaged in some sort of activity so they don't devolve into talking heads, but the missing piece here is motivation. I'd like to see a bit more exposition on why the characters exist in the current state we find them. Like...why was Tenshi bored enough to sit around people watching all day? Does she have a job? Friends? Some sort of purpose or goal she's pursuing? Why was Satori so busy she couldn't even offer some tea? World building is key in maintaining a good Slice of Life story.
>> No. 15713
>>15712
That's about what I expected. A little surprised at:
>Always having a goal for us to pursue keep the story flowing at a good pace
and:
>You're doing a good job with having them engaged in some sort of activity so they don't devolve into talking heads
since I didn't feel like I did enough there.

My only regret with the story is that I didn't get to go in depth with Youmu, because I was too focused on keeping things moving. Which in retrospect was counterproductive for a story focused on her.

Things to keep in mind as I move forward. I could make excuses like "I had planned for a full CYOA but cut it down for the month." and "If I had more time to write each update I could have done better." or maybe even "It was my first time writing something so far out of my comfort zone, so I was bound to make newbie mistakes." but they'd be just that, excuses.
>> No. 15720
I've always been kinda serious about trying to give anon the best stories I reasonably could, so I feel like it'd be counterproductive not to list my threads here.

>>/shrine/41094
>>/at/38360
>> No. 15724
>>15720

>>/shrine/41094

An engaging read despite being based on such a cliché premise. particularly of note is how well you incorporate actions into your scenes. The way you use both idle and purposeful movements to break up the monotony between dialog is truly top tier on the site.
An example of this would be how you emphasized the fact the Byakuren was physically trapped between Miko and Kokoro during the play scene. It really helped to keep her included in the parent/child dynamic of the scene without requiring much dialog on her part.

The biggest thing I'd like to see you improve on is how overpowered Miko is in terms of dealing with other characters. In the same way a shounen character might defeat an opponent with a single punch, Miko ability allows her to immediately pick the optimal 'solution' when interacting with others. Essentially, she is handed the win without any effort on her part. There's a certain satisfaction to picking good choices in CYoA. We, as readers, get the feeling that the time we spend contemplating choices was meaningful in some way. That feeling was notably absent in some of our dealings with supporting characters. I'd much prefer if her mind reading was a little more cryptic and ineffable so as to reflect the fleeting and inexact nature of thoughts.

Another minor issue is how focused the narrative is around the two protagonist. I can't recall a single instance where a character spoke to someone not named Miko or Byakuren. Again, not a huge deal, just a bit unrealistic.
>> No. 15725
>>15724

I feel like an idiot for not noticing those myself.

I'd planned some proper serious social conflict, but somehow completely forgot to worry about such things on the way there. And I don't know what happened with the character focus.

Seriously though, thanks. I doubt I'll be able to do anything about it overnight, but now I've got something specific to focus on improving. Also, it's good to know I'm doing something right with the nonverbal stuff.
>> No. 15795
I was enjoying this thread. No one else willing to step up?
>> No. 15796
>>15795
Step up to what?
>> No. 15797
>>15795
I would but I already know the majority of """critique""" would amount to (though not an unfair observation) irrelevant remarks about how slowly I update.

Why not shit something out and try your own luck, hmm?
>> No. 15798
>>15796
Criticizing or offering to criticize.
>>15797
Coward! I already have
>> No. 15799
>>15797

Update speed is important for CYoAs, just like it is for most things that depend on humans interacting. Don't confuse CYoAs with regular fanfiction.
>> No. 15800
>>15799
Okay, but critique is about the writing itself, not the meta-issues of the story.
>> No. 15801
>>15800
*actually useful critique
>> No. 15802
>>15797
I already have, but I would submit something if I had anything else relevant.
>> No. 15803
>>15801
>>15800
I can't make promises but the only way you'll get critique is if you put yourself out there. Maybe you'll get shit about not updating, too. Who knows? All I can tell you for sure is that you won't get either at this rate.
>> No. 15804
>>15798
You can just criticize me in whichever thread, and I have had that happen.

I don't like "roasts". Too mean, so they don't feel valuable. Even if it's just an exaggeration for "Critique me" I don't tend to ask for critique because I'm, well, confident. That's what makes unsolicited critique stand out very well, and I often listen to it and often try to address it best I can.
>> No. 15805
File 155824557556.jpg - (22.84KB, 521x378, I dont like roasts its too mean.jpg) [iqdb]
15805
>>15800

once again, that would be true if we were talking about a Edward X Remilia OTP story over on FF(dot)net. In situations that require feedback, response time is a key contributor to satisfaction. We are critiquing your CYoA in it's entirety, and update time is a big part of the experience.


>>15804

Well I mean like...nobody actually got roasted.
>> No. 15806
>>15804
>just criticize me in whichever thread
>anonymous
I'll get right to it!

>I don't like "roasts". Too mean, so they don't feel valuable
Have you actually read this thread?

>some bullshit about being a strong independent writer who don't need no critique but relishes it all the same
Why the fuck are you even posting in this thread if you don't want to participate? You just sound like a tool by going out of your way to make excuses.
>> No. 15807
>>15806
>I'll get right to it!
I'm saying if you have an issue in any thread you should feel free to voice it, apropos of nothing.
>Have you actually read this thread?
No : )
>>some bullshit about being a strong independent writer who don't need no critique but relishes it all the same
>Why the fuck are you even posting in this thread if you don't want to participate? You just sound like a tool by going out of your way to make excuses.
>>15795
>No one else willing to step up?
>?
A question. Though I too wasn't sure on what to, so I replied to this post instead
>>15798
With an answer, as to why I hadn't participated. Does that answer your question of
>Why the fuck are you even posting in this thread if you don't want to participate?
? Or will you continue to be angry.

I'm not going to pay lipservice either. I'm confident in my writing so I don't think about ASKING for ways I'm failing or, more to the point, ways to improve. I never have, though I imagine generally the sentiment to someone asking for criticism is "I am not confident in what I've written, so I'd like to ask outright what people could have issue with". That or it could be a whim of "tell me how I'm bad", but in either case I'm not interested. If my readers seem happy, I'm not inclined to think something needs changing. And though you seem to have gotten particularly bothered about
>>some bullshit about being a strong independent writer who don't need no critique but relishes it all the same
>>>but relishes it all the same
this part, I don't know, I thought it was pretty obvious, but to clarify:
if someone has an issue with what I've written, they can just tell me outright. If it bothered them enough to tell me even if I didn't ask for criticism, then it's probably a pretty serious problem, or at the very least worth reevaluating/addressing. It being unprompted stands out much more, and it being from invested readers is especially worthwhile.

But honestly I think this post will just make you more bothered and you won't care what I think, especially since I've just out and said "I feel confident in my writing". I mean objectively speaking that's pretty audacious and arrogant, but I'm honest about it.
>> No. 15808
>>15807
>No
Ah, my bad for assuming that a reply made to a thread would be by someone who actually knew what its subject was about.

As for the other stuff, you're straight out misunderstanding what feedback is. Nearly every area of human activity (jobs, education, art) has feedback from peers as a normal part of the process. It has nothing to do with confidence. To close oneself off to opportunities to hear perspectives and alternatives they might have not otherwise contemplated is just stupid. Asking for critique isn't the same as admitting that you're doing a poor job nor is it born out of feelings of inferiority. In fact, being confident about yourself helps as having a third party point out things makes you hone arguments as to why you do the things you do and what it truly is you intend to achieve.

I may have been calling you out on being a tool when I thought that you knew what this process was about and what we were trying to accomplish. Now I just pity you: you're not confident, you're arrogant. If you ever do fuck up when writing, you'll have no one to blame but yourself even when it may have been otherwise avoided.
>> No. 15809
File 155831004520.png - (726.91KB, 1023x724, 1520694842107.png) [iqdb]
15809
>>15808
>you're not confident, you're arrogant
You can be both. I am both.

Pity all you like. I don't mind. Anyway if you want to read and comment on stories I'd say you should check out my stories in this order
>>/shorts/2197
>>/shrine/41060
>>/underground/16139
>>/others/65260
And purely because that goes from shortest to longest. Teruyo did remind me that people on this site rarely say anything in the first place. I've already gotten unsolicited criticism on 3/4 of those and again, to be clear, I was not "tolerant" of that, I loved that. If you or anyone else lurking hate or love any of these stories you can tell me here or in any of those threads.
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