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I, FUN TIMES NO FUTO, realize that LEAVING a CRYING MAIDEN, YO-KAI or NO, is ENTIRELY UNBECOMING of a GENTLEMAN such as MYSELF. THEREFORE, I HALT my DETERMINED MARCH to the shrine. I'm certain to let Ruukoto know that I am TAKING a SMALL REST to AID a TRAVELER IN NEED. Ruukoto DROPS from the TOP of the FOOD CART, LANDING on the path with a LOUD, MECHANICAL and VERY DEEP 'CHEH-BWOAH' NOISE.
"I'll provide what assistance I can, Master Mistress Mononobe."
Though I would like VERY MUCH to CORRECT her, there are MORE PRESSING maters at hand.
FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS.
I PUT OUT my HAND. WITHIN my hand is a LOLISPOP.
It is not more than THREE SECONDS before I YANK BACK my hand to find a FAIRY attached to my LOLISPOP by her TEETH. She is BLONDE, HALF of my HEIGHT, LIGHT as a BREATH on your HAND on a COLD WINTER'S MORN, and PERFECTLY SQUEEZABLE.
CUDDLING FAIRY ACQUIRED, I turn my attention to the MORE PRESSING MATTER at hand.
The POOR, HELPLESS KAPPA is BOWING POLITELY. Her KAPPA CAP is lying IN the DIRT. There is a SMALL PUDDLE in the cap, but the SURROUNDING DIRT is DRIER THAN TOJIKO'S SENSE OF HUMOR. With her CAP on the GROUND, the KAPPA'S BOWL is exposed. There s only a COUPLE OF DROPS of WATER in the KAPPA'S BOWL, due to the ANGLE the bowl is CURRENTLY AT, and allowing the KAPPA to WEEP, MOAN and NO MORE. The kappa is WEEPING PITEOUSLY to herself. She is SURPRISINGLY INTELLIGIBLE for a girl who is WEEPING HARD ENOUGH to potentially FILL her BOWL TEN TIMES OVER. She spake THUSLY;
"-don' wanna starve, I don' wanna' die here, I don' wanna' die here, somebody help, somebody help, please, I don' wanna' starve to death, somebody please-"
THIS PLEADING did NOT appear to have a CONCEIVABLE END.
I STROKE THE HAIR of the FAIRY in my arms, then WITHOUT WARNING, I
SQUEEZE her RUMP PINCH her CHEEK on her FACE.
The SUDDEN URGE to pinch both the FAIRY's REAR and the KAPPA's CONSIDERABLY HEALTHIER REAR is MUCH STRONGER than it LIKELY SHOULD BE.
The MOMENT I give it a PROPER THOUGHT, however, it RECEDES to a NORMAL LEVEL of GROPE-OSITY, which is to say that my desire to GROPE is NO LONGER CRUSHING my COMMON SENSE.
In the TIME it TOOK for me to EXAMINE MY URGES, the little fairy had BEGUN CRYING tears of HONEYED SUGAR WATER. WITHOUT releasing her CHEEK, I HOLD THE FAIRY'S HEAD over the KAPPA'S CAP.
It should be noted that fairies RARELY CRY without some OTHER RACE CAUSING them to cry. When they DO, however, they produce MORE TEARS than should be conceivably PRODUCIBLE by such TINY, ADORABLE BODIES. Therefore, in a matter of TWO MINUTES does the KAPPA'S CAP FILL with the TEARS OF A FAIRY. TASK COMPLETE, I hand the CRYING FAIRY to RUUKOTO, who IMMEDIATELY begins to COMFORT the FAIRY.
The kappa is SO ABSORBED with her own MISERY that she HAS NOT YET NOTICED that she has GUEST. She YELPS WITH SURPRISE when I PLACE my HANDS on her HIPS. She says SOMETHING about NOT BEING READY before I TUG BACKWARD to cause her to FALL on her RUMP.
As the kappa QUESTIONS what is OCCURRING AROUND HER and the CIRCUMSTANCES THEREOF, I LIFT her CAP GINGERLY. Upon seeing her CAP FILLED with LIQUID, the KAPPA begins CRYING ANEW, UNABLE to utter any words aside from THANK, YOU, and SOMUCH.
I FIRST pour the TEARS into her CAP, making CERTAIN not to SPILL ANY on the DIRT. THEN, when the cap is MOSTLY EMPTY, I PLACE IT upon the poor KAPPA'S HEAD.
It takes a GOOD MOMENT before the KAPPA can STAND, but STAND she DOES. She then proceeds to HUG ME as TIGHTLY AS SHE COULD. While I do APPRECIATE the AFFECTION, the SEARING PAIN of being CRUSHED between arms TRAINED to push MEN of CONSIDERABLE WEIGHT is causing me CONSIDERABLE PAIN.
When NEXT I COME TO, I am greeted by the PLEASANT CHATTER of a MAID and FAIRY, interspersed by the OCCASIONAL SOBBING of a KAPPA and the SQUEAKING of OLD CART WHEELS and the CHBWEE'S of a GIANT ROBOT'S FOOTSTEPS. There is an EXCESS of LIQUID on my face. It is NOT CLEAR if the liquid is TEARS or RAIN.
In order to ASCERTAIN WHICH, I remain QUIET. As I DO SO, I hear RUUKOTO answering a QUESTION.
"... been gathering things on this list for my master. I was cleaning up master's room one day when I found this list in a locked cabinet in a a scroll labeled 'Diary, donut touch' written on it in English. Master never did learn her English properly... Or maybe she did... It has certainly been a long time since I've seen her, Mistress Williams. I do miss her terribly. I noticed that you fairies all seem to like her. Why is that? Tell me, what is she like now?"
BEFORE I can hear the fairy's ANSWER, I COME to the CONCLUSION that the fact that the LIQUID is on my FACE and NOWHERE ELSE, and that my apparent state of MOTION, despite my NOT MOVING MY BODY, tells me that the LIQUID applying itself TO MY FACE is, in fact, TEARS. I OPEN my EYES.
The FIRST THING I see is the FACE of the CRYING KAPPA. Her EYES widen in SURPRISE. She CALLS OUT to the OTHERS.
"Ruukoto, Grogar! She's awake! She's finally awake!"
The KAPPA turns BACK to ME. She ALREADY appears to be CRYING IN JOY.
"Master! I thought I'd killed you! Thank all the god's you're still alive!"
While I CERTAINLY FEEL like I DIED, it occurs to me that the KAPPA just called me MASTER.
I, MONONOBE NO FUTO, am SITTING ON THE CART as a CRYING KAPPA and a BLISSFULLY CONFUSED FAIRY give me the FOURTH STRONGEST HUG I've ever FELT.
We are ABOUT to CLIMB THE STEPS of the HAKUREI SHRINE, a LONG WALK to be CERTAIN, and BUMPY with the CART.
The FAIRY is named GROGAR WILLIAMS. She CLAIMS to be the FAIRY of SNAKE PITS. She has RED HAIR and speaks BROKEN JAPANESE. I get the FEELING that she is a FOREIGNER FAIRY, which is WEIRD because NIPPON is the ONLY COUNTRY with FAIRIES, or SO I'VE BEEN TOLD.
RUUKOTO is PULLING THE CART with ONE HAND with NO APPARENT EFFORT. She is FAWNING OVER that SCRAP OF PAPER again.
The KAPPA is STILL CRYING and HUGGING ME. I DO NOT know her NAME. I should ASK about that.
It occurs to me that I have THREE CUTE GIRLS practically IN MY LAP. My nipples are ROCK HARD, and the MAID isn't even UP HERE.
My LIBIDO should NOT be THIS HIGH. HERMITS don't get this EXCITED about events THIS TRIVIAL. Something is AMISS.
I have 3 WADOKAICHIN in my RIGHT SLEEVE. I must ACQUIRE MORE MONEY.
I have ACQUIRED a TASTE for WESTERN CLASSICAL MUSIC recently.
I am MISSING my LEFT SHOE.
[ ] Where's my SHOE?
[ ] Hug the GIRLS.
[ ] Ask about that SCRAP OF PAPER.
[ ] WHO are you KAPPA?
- [ ] Nitori, Head of Reaserch Institute
- [ ] Shitore, Head of Shirikodama Collection
- [ ] Write-intori, Head of Write-In Collective
[ ] Grogar? What kind of name is that?
[ ] Why are we so damn horny? We're a hermit!
[ ] PRAISE OUR LORD PRINCE
- - [ ] Take a peek at the story we're avoiding
- - [ ] Marisa has a Nightmare
[ ] Kiss the Kappa
[ ] Offer Shirikodama to Kappa
[ ] Make fairy cry
- [ ] Drink her tears
Only THREE choices a VOTE, no MORE, no LESS.
On SECOND THOUGHT, LESS is ACCEPTABLE.
Just NOT MORE. MORE than three is NOT RECOMMENDED by your LOCAL DOCTOR.
I'll be honest, I don't even know what I'm typing half of the time