I, MONONOBE NO FUTO, am of PROUD LINEAGE.
It is through the efforts of MY GREAT ANCESTOR, the 11th EMPEROR OF JAPAN, that the RELIGION of SHINTO, though INFERIOR, was GIVEN one of its GREATEST LITERARY WORKS. Under my FAMILY'S proud REIGN, did SUMO become SPORT, giving kappa EVERYWHERE a WONDERFUL NEW PASTIME. Under my HONORABLE ANCESTOR, did the CONSORT KAGUYAHIME NO MIKOTO, daughter of KING OTSUTSUKITARINE NO MIKO gain her FAME as an UNEARTHLY BEAUTY, and did the tale READ by CHILDREN ACROSS JAPAN come to being.
My NOBLE LINEAGE, though STEEPED in VILE SHINTO, Is responsible for the CREATION of LEGENDS!
DOES THE BLOOD OF LEGENDS NOT FLOW THROUGH ME? HAVE I NOT PRIDE!?
AM I NOT MONONOBE!?
I slam BOTH of my MIGHTY HANDS onto the WOODEN PORCH on EITHER SIDE of my MAGNIFICENT THIGHS, VALIENTLY ignoring the SLICKENED LIQUID SHAME on my FINGERS. I begin to PUSH MYSELF UP, VILE BURN BE DAM-
The HAKUREI yanks my PONYTAIL harder, RAMMING the GOHEI so far DOWN my throat that I can FEEL the BURN in my poor STOMACH. Between the BLINDING PAIN and the VOMIT that EVEN NOW bubbles AROUND the blessed WAND, I feel my STRENGTH LEAVE me. As I FALL back on my RUMP, I am met with a HORRIFYING SIGHT, even through my TEAR-BLURRED vision.
The Hakurei LOOMS over me, like a MONUMENT to ALL of JAPAN'S CREATURES most TERRIBLE FEARS, the SUN, at her BACK, casting her in DREADFUL SHADOW. I cannot FIGHT the HAKUREI. I can only APOLOGIZE to EVERYONE that I've FAILED on this quest so SOON. I prepare to DIE like this, chocking on a MEAGER SUBSTITUTE for a PHALLUS. I APOLOGIZE to his HOLINESS, TOYOSATOMIMI NO MIKO, for NEVER returning HOME. I apologize to TOJIKO, for NEVER TELLING her that, for a SOGA, she's a VERY GOOD FRIEND. I APOOLOGIZE to the FUJIWARA, for NOT FINDING her and being the GREATEST HUSBAND a MAIDEN COULD DREAM OF for her. I APOLOGIZE to GORGAR, for NEVER figuring out her STORY. I apologize to the cute DELIVERY BOY who might have a CRUSH on me for STRINGING HIM along for FREE BOXES for my CAT. I apologize to SEIGA for-
Message too long. Click here
to view the full text.