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File 128331918240.jpg - (203.11KB, 827x1169, sample-4c36c52bc144022a9ba8bc226510ca86.jpg) [iqdb]
22657 No. 22657
Howdy! Let’s play a CYOA like survival game where the main objective is to avoid getting kidnapped by Yukari and being taken to Gensokyo. Lucky for you though, she has the courtesy to send you an “invitation” beforehand so you can prepare. You see, Yukari‘s grown bored of watching people die helplessly after kidnapping them and letting them run around Gensokyo, so she‘s decided to give you a fighting chance. You, on the other hand, don‘t plan on going off to your doom and will resist. However, going to Gensokyo doesn’t exactly net an instant bad ending, but the only way to “win” is to be able to survive and thrive or make it back to the outside world. Or, if you’re clever enough, you can convince Yukari to either leave you alone or evade her enough to make her give up (but if she catches you after evading her for so long, she might not take you to a nice place). The choices I give are just personal suggestions on what to do, but creative suggestions will almost always guarantee a good event, so think outside the box and don’t forget to use your surroundings! You can find/purchase/use items to help in your survival and skills are randomly given depending on your choices.

Anyways, to start out, you are Joe, an average boring guy with an average boring life and you are currently sitting. Kinda want a new name because Joe just screams average, but there is a more pressing matter at hand. There is a letter on the table that you just finished reading that says, “Congratulations, human! Your life will no longer be the bland, mediocre existence that you‘ve come to represent! I’ve personally chosen you to go on a one-way expedition to the wonderful land of Gensokyo! I suggest getting a survival kit and a weapon to make friends with. Otherwise, you will end up all alone like everyone before you. Don’t take too long, I’ll come by shortly to pick you up. Love, Yukari”. The letter itself has beautiful ornate designs on the sides and there is a faint but pleasant smell emanating from the envelope, but that’s not what captivates your attention at all. It’s the fact that you woke up with the letter on your chest and someone had to break in to your home to deliver it to you that makes you take the letter more seriously. Well, however it got here, you don’t want to go to “Gensokyo” or wherever, especially if it means arming yourself. You kinda like your laid back and average lifestyle. It is early in the morning and your inventory consists of a t-shirt (worn), jeans (worn), socks (worn), a wallet (in back pocket), with your ID and $100 dollars in $1 bills and a peppermint in one of your pants pockets.
You decide to…

[x] Take the letter seriously and start gathering supplies from around your apartment.
[x] Ignore the letter and continue your day normally by going to work.
[x] Grab a bite to eat first before deciding anything. You can’t think on an empty stomach.
[x] Fuck that shit, head to the bar and piss all your money away on booze like a real man.

Oh, and you can also vote for a new name if you want.
Expand all images
>> No. 22658
[X] tl;dr
>> No. 22659
[x] Grab a bite to eat first before deciding
anything. You can’t think on an empty
stomach.

Breakfast is an important meal of the day, you know.
>> No. 22660
[x] Grab a bite to eat first before deciding
anything. You can’t think on an empty
stomach.
>> No. 22663
[x] Fuck that shit, head to the bar and piss all your money away on booze like a real man.

Manliest choice. Besides, Yukari will expect us to do the other things.
>> No. 22665
[X] Grab a bite to eat first before deciding anything. You can't think on an empty stomach.

We aren't going to get a bad end from the first few updates, that's just bad writing. Update number four however is fair game.

Now lets talk strategy. We'll have to avoid Yukari at first, but she'll use Ran and Chen to help her later. So we need to avoid all little girls and blond females.
>> No. 22666
File 128338696572.jpg - (27.92KB, 450x452, crystal-fridge4.jpg) [iqdb]
22666
[x] Grab a bite to eat first before deciding anything. You can’t think on an empty stomach.

You have difficulty making up your mind and even consider drinking it all away like you usually do, but first thing‘s first, you have to get something to eat. You refuse to make any decisions in the morning until you’ve eaten breakfast. Not only does it help you get through the day, but you’ll just end up getting pissed and probably punch the first person you see. You completely forget about the letter and head on to the kitchen (but you still consider drinking later on).

As you enter your kitchen, you notice that the refrigerator door is slightly ajar and there is no light coming from the inside. You simply reason that the light bulb burned out and completely disregard it. There probably isn’t anything wrong or suspicious about that refrigerator, and besides, you’re really fucking hungry.

What will you have for breakfast?

[x] Eh, I’m actually not that hungry (then immediately flee from the room).
[x] Gotta have my pops man.
[x] Mmm, pancakes.
[x] Make some MANcakes and down it all with a protein MANshake made of eggs and scotch.
>> No. 22668
>>22666
[ø] Make some MANcakes and down it all with a protein MANshake made of eggs and scotch.
time to fill up on MANergy.
Do go on~
>> No. 22669
[x] Make some MANcakes and down it all
with a protein MANshake made of eggs and
scotch.
>> No. 22673
[x] Make some MANcakes and down it all with a protein MANshake made of eggs and scotch.
>> No. 22674
[X] Make some MANcakes and down it all with a protein MANshake made of eggs and scotch.
-[X] Close the fridge though, just because the lightbulb isn't working, doesn't mean that it's broken. Your not using it as an air conditioner.
>> No. 22675
>>22665

What about DoLF and TS?
>> No. 22677
File 128347689794.jpg - (11.54KB, 204x230, RAAAAAAGE.jpg) [iqdb]
22677
[x] Make some MANcakes and down it all with a protein MANshake made of eggs and scotch.

YES! You knew preparing all that pancake batter the other day was a good idea. In order to make a healthy balanced breakfast, you decide to make your world famous MANshake to go along with your equally healthy meal. You decide to get a head-start on completing your food pyramid (which is composed of cholesterol, protein, and many hard liquors) and open the fridge to search for your vat of pancake batter and eggs. You confirm your earlier suspicions that the light is out, but instead of finding a burned out light bulb, you find no light bulb at all.
That’s bizarre, you always remember there being a light inside your refrigerator. In fact you remember having FOOD inside your refrigerator too. Everything from the milk to the eggs are gone, including your vat of pancake batter.

Damn!

In fact, the only thing left is that 5 day old tuna sandwich you were totally gonna eat one day, but never had the “time” to do it.

Damn, damn!

Well, at least you got your scotch, right?
Wrong.

Somebody managed to find your secret stash scotch in the far back corner of your pantry and took every last bottle, yet, somehow completely circumvented your wall of unappealing cereal boxes without touching any of them, that crafty bastard! How that person got past your perfect defense is the last thing on your mind as your sight turns red with raw, unrefined RAGE. You can take your pancakes away, you can even take your (healthy) breakfast away, but the scotch is the absolute last draw. Right as you begin to plot for war, your doorbell rings.
Someone’s gon’ die today.

[x] Open the front door and activate your most powerful spell card, RAGE Sign “Everyone Dies”. (which translates to, “punch your guest in the face”)
[x] Grab your shotgun, aim it at the front door and blast away whoever is on the other side.
[x] No, no. Let’s just calm down and think things through. Answer the door calmly and politely.
[x] Calm down and open the door, but keep your rage face on to show your visitor that you are serious business.
[x] Succumb to sudden and irrational paranoia and attempt to flee your apartment.
>> No. 22678
[x] Calm down and open the door, but
keep your rage face on to show your visitor that you are serious business.
>> No. 22679
[x] Open the front door and activate your most powerful spell card, RAGE Sign “Everyone Dies”.

Nothing says "Good morning" like a domestic dispute.
>> No. 22680
>Well, at least you got your scotch, right?
>Wrong.
Truly rage-worthy.

[ø] Calm down and open the door, but keep your rage face on to show your visitor that you are serious business.
>> No. 22681
[x] Succumb to sudden and irrational paranoia and attempt to flee your apartment.
>> No. 22682
[x] Calm down and open the door, but keep your rage face on to show your visitor that you are serious business.
>> No. 22683
File 128351782545.png - (73.18KB, 245x273, CHEN.png) [iqdb]
22683
[x] Calm down and open the door, but keep your rage face on to show your visitor that you are serious business.

You manage to calm your mind and begin to think rationally. It would be incredibly foolish to attack people at random and you’d rather not deal with a lawsuit so early in the morning, at least not without a drink first. Of course, thinking of your lost scotch brings back painful memories and your face begins to contort. You decide to keep your game face on to show that you’re not in the mood for any visitors and, hopefully, make your morning a little bit easier to handle.
You’re still pissed right the fuck off though.

As you approach your front door, you hear a small, juvenile voice humming a happy tune. Your rage level begins to rise to dangerous levels again because you really hate children. They always seem to cause problems and usually those problems are related to your drinking habits (and you do drink often). These little buggers always seem to be around while you’re having a lovely stroll through the park after indulging in many of your favorite drinks (while most likely while enjoying another), and then they mock you with cruel words like, “hey its that drunk guy!” and “Oh look, it’s the alcoholic!”. Sure, you curse at them like a drunken sailor (which you used to be and continue to uphold that tradition to this day), but these little bastards started it first. You just simply ended it is all. The worst part is when the cry, that always, ALWAYS brings trouble.

As you open the door, your face has become the epitome of true anger. You look down on your little “visitor” and you see that it’s a strange little girl. She’s wearing a red dress, a funny green hat and has two very large cowlicks on the sides of her brown hair (She somehow has a golden ring through one of the cowlicks, its probably some kind of new hippy trend or something). Complementing her eccentric looks is a happy smile. She’s still humming with her eyes closed while twisting her upper body left and right, just like a stereotypical happy child.

But you won’t be fooled

You decide to wait until she says something (so you’ll be justified in any provoked action) and continue to glare at her from above. She stops humming and begins to say, “So are you ready mist-ah…” but stops suddenly when she looks up at your seething face. All the happiness leaves from her face in an instant and is replaced with a terrified expression. Her eyes begin to water and she starts to sniff and hiccup as she begins to cry.

SON OF A BITCH

[x] Quick grab her and take her inside. If anyone sees her cry you’d be in deep shit (as per usual).
[x] Punch her in the snout to establish acerbity.
[x] Her tears made you feel a lot better (you monster). Slam the door in her face and continue with your day.

Oh, and you gain a new title, “Boogeyman”. You are an expert at frightening small children. Good for you.
>> No. 22684
[x]Equip new title
[x] Quick grab her and take her inside. If anyone sees her cry you’d be in deep shit (as per usual).

Even deeper shit actually. Ran's gonna kill us.
>> No. 22685
[x]Equip new title
[x] Quick grab her and take her inside. If
anyone sees her cry you ’d be in deep shit
(as per usual).
>> No. 22686
[x]Equip new title
[x] Quick grab her and take her inside. If
anyone sees her cry you ’d be in deep shit
>> No. 22689
[x] Quick grab her and take her inside. If
anyone sees her cry you ’d be in deep shit
-[x] Pat her head affectionately
>> No. 22690
[ø] If anyone sees her cry, you'd be in deep shit. You'd better calm her down.
[ø] "Sorry, I'm just in a bad mood right now. I'll hear out what you have to say"
>> No. 22693
File 128356384726.jpg - (5.80KB, 320x240, grinch.jpg) [iqdb]
22693
[x] Equip new title
[x] Quick grab her and take her inside. If anyone sees her cry you ‘d be in deep shit.

You equip your shiny new title and become “Boogeyman Joe”. You kinda like the sound of that, but there’s a more pressing matter at hand.

- You see, Joe hated children, the entire children race! Now, please don’t ask why, no one quite knows the case.
- It could be the fact that he has too much to drink. Or maybe, perhaps that he just didn’t think.
- But whatever the reason, his head or his liver, just the thought of children crying made Joe shiver!
- Staring down from his doorway with a mean, angry frown, at the small frightened child with her hair colored brown.
- “She’s planning to snitch!” said Joe with a sneer. “I could tell her intentions, its obviously clear!”
- Then he growled with his Boogeyman fingers drumming. “I MUST find a way to stop trouble from coming!”
- “I must stop this whole thing! Why, for many years I’ve put up with it now! I must stop this child from crying, but HOW?
- Then he got an idea!
- An awful idea!
- BOOGEYMAN JOE GOT AN AWFUL, WONDERFUL IDEA!
- “I know just what to do!” Joe laughed with some hope. He grabbed the small child and tied her with rope!
- He chuckled and clucked, “what a wonderful plan! After all, that’s why they call me the mean boogeyman!”
- He tossed her in a bag and tied it with thread. He then loaded the bag on his creaky old sled!
- Then up he climbed, to the top of his home. He is truly now evil right down to the bone!
- “To hell with this kid,” he was cruelly humming. She’ll probably still cry, despite nobody coming.
- “She’s just a stupid kid, I know what she’ll do! She’ll wait for a bit and then cry ‘boo hoo!’“
- “That’s a noise“, grinned the boogeyman, “that I simply MUST hear! Crying, not of contempt, but instead out of fear!”
- And after raising the bag over his head, he listened for crying, but was surprised instead!
- It started out low, but started to grow…
- The sound wasn’t afraid, why, it‘s not even sad! It couldn’t be so! But it indeed wasn‘t even mad!
- “I’m sorry mister, I must have been bad, but I never intended to make you so sad.
- So instead can we please make amends, and then become the bestest of friends?
- Joe stared at the bag, out popped his eyes! Then he shook! He had a horrible surprise!
- He hadn’t stopped anyone from crying, it came! The tears came from him, it came just the same!
- And the Boogeyman on the roof felt really low, he stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so?
- Tears came without warning, it came without stoppage, it came without sadness, fear, or blockage!
- He puzzled for a while, till his puzzler was sore, he suddenly thought of something he hadn’t before!
- Crying just isn‘t there to annoy, but the longer he thought, the more he felt coy.
- He never had friends, just his drink and his money. Just thinking of a friend made him start to feel funny!
- Well, what happened then? It is said that the boogeyman’s heart grew three times that day!
- And the minute his heart didn’t feel so tight, he climbed down with his load in the bright morning light!
- He made a friend!
- He felt like a young boy!
- Then he…
- He HIMSELF…!
- Cried tears of joy!

[x] Insert your reaction here

(I just had to do this, perhaps maybe its from all this sleep deprivation. Don’t worry though, the story will continue *collapses from exhaustion*.)
>> No. 22694
File 128357392989.png - (89.95KB, 318x470, 98-.png) [iqdb]
22694
[x]What in the hell is this compassionate bullshit.

No, Joe! Don't succumb to the moe!
>> No. 22695
[X] Remember the letter we recived and take it seriously. We need to get our arse in gear and get ready for the big suprise. Maybe our new freind can help us prep?
>> No. 22696
[x] I got an erection.
>> No. 22697
[x] Snap out of it. You're daydreaming because that stupid movie you watched last night.
[x] Quick grab her and take her inside. If
anyone sees her cry you ’d be in deep shit
-[x] "Sorry, I'm just in a bad mood right
now. I'll hear out what you have to say"
-[x] Ruffle her
>> No. 22699
[x] Succumb to the moe
[x] >>22697
>> No. 22701
File 128363144339.png - (124.66KB, 383x290, CHEEEEEEN.png) [iqdb]
22701
Fuck it, lets do all of them.

[x] What in the hell is this compassionate bullshit.
[x] Remember the letter we received and take it seriously. We need to get our arse in gear and get ready for the big surprise. Maybe our new friend can help us prep?
[x] Snap out of it. You’re daydreaming because of that stupid movie you watched last night.
[x] Succumb to the moe
[x] Ruffle her (that sounds naughty~)
[x] I got an erection (I reference you to the above statement)

As the tears subside, you note that your masculinity meter is taking a nosedive and has almost reached into the “Tidus” levels, and that is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE. You’ll have to redeem yourself later by eating some nails and shitting out bullets, which you swear that you can totally do with gunpowder and all, but that’s for another time. For now, you take the bagged loli back into your apartment and let the cat out of the bag (no pun here, move along). After all, you may be a complete asshole, but you’d never take somebody against their will. While you undo the ropes binding her, you start to ponder why in the world you completely snapped and went through that whole debacle, just to take a hit to the masculinity meter. Perhaps it was that movie you watched last night, but you’re pretty sure Schindler’s List, had anything to do with it…

You finish untying the ropes and the little girl that you held against her will leaps free and starts hopping around ecstatically, probably happy that her life isn’t in danger anymore. As you watch her dance around, you completely miss the fact that she has two tails and begin to think back to that letter. Strange shit’s been going on lately, like the ruination of your breakfast (which almost never happens) and a visitor in the morning (which NEVER happens) and you figure it has something to do with that letter. Well, whoever it is, they must have pretty huge set of balls to be messing with you! After all, you’re Boogeyman Joe! The man who drinks obscenely large amounts of alcohol and gets charges for disturbing the peace! The man who, uh, scares children! Okay, your list of mighty deeds isn’t exactly the largest or the longest (that’s what she said, hur hurr), but you still hate children with a passion and this child…
You look over at your tiny guest who has stopped dancing and is now waving her hands and singing lightly.
This child can stay.
You gain +1 friend!
And for those who think that’s too pussyfied for Joe.
You gain +1 ally!

Come to think of it, you don’t even know your little buddy’s name. You call her over and she stands before you, still singing and still waving her hands, and waits for your action. “She probably has ADHD,” you reason as you kneel down and ruffle her hair (and hat). You, for some reason, suddenly gain an erection.

You ignore it and ask her a question:

[x] “So what’s your name pal?”
[x] “Would you happen to know anything about this letter?” *show her the letter*
[x] “You hungry? We can go downtown and grab a bite to eat.”
[x] “You ever seen a grown man naked before?”



(P.S. Sleep is good)
>> No. 22702
[x] “You hungry? We can go downtown and grab a bite to eat.”
>> No. 22703
> “You ever seen a grown man naked before?”

Flaaaashbaaaacks
>> No. 22704
[x] “You hungry? We can go downtown and grab a bite to eat.”

Food is good, isn't it?
>> No. 22708
[ø] “You hungry? We can go downtown and grab a bite to eat.”
Cannot resist Chen. However, we should consider hiding where , hopefully, Yukari will not be able to find us, and that means ditching Chen sooner or later.
>> No. 22712
[X] “You hungry? We can go downtown and grab a bite to eat.”
-[X] While your out, go buy some GUN-Flavored POWERTHIRST:ROCKET EDITION, then chug it.
--[X] After that, go play the MAN sport made by MEN, for MEN. BEAR-BLASTING.
>> No. 22713
[x] “You hungry? We can go downtown and grab a bite to eat.”
-[x] But first, take care of the erection.
>> No. 22722
[X] “You hungry? We can go downtown and grab a bite to eat.”
-[X] But first, excuse yourself to take care of some personal business regarding a certain bodily reaction to what may or may not be the combined effort of the writer and anon to create yet another lolicon protagonist.
>> No. 22724
File 128375369012.jpg - (36.42KB, 488x366, Cadillac-model-0.jpg) [iqdb]
22724
[x] “You hungry? We can go downtown and grab a bite to eat.”
-[x] But first, take care of the erection.

You’re worried about your spontaneous erection, worried about how you got it just by patting a little girl on the head, and even more worried that your new friend who’s eye level is fairly close to your groin is going to notice. So instead, you focus all of your attention on another subject, something that’s been bothering you since this morning. Food! You may have let breakfast slide (which you decide to since its no longer morning), but lunch isn’t something that should even be considered ruined. Just the thought of not having lunch makes your boner disappear instantaneously.

You ask your new friend (of which you still have no idea what her name is) if she wanted to get something to eat and, like you, also completely forgot about her whole purpose of being there. You collect all the things you need for the trip (such as car keys, tennis shoes, an appetite) and the both of you head out towards your modified Cadillac Coupe de Ville.

As you and your friend climb into your beloved vehicle, you wonder whether driving like you always do (meaning going at LEAST 15 mph over the speed limit at all times, cursing out anyone who cuts you off, and basically violating almost every traffic law known to man while not wearing seat-belts because seat-belts are for the WEAK) is really going to be appropriate right now.

You decide to…

[x] Fuck that. Just drive like you normally do.
[x] Drive through the most ghetto portion of the city while playing, “Where Da Hood At” as loud as physically possible, all while shouting obscenities and throwing your own made up gang signs at every person you pass by. Oh, and don’t forget about the hydraulics you installed the other day…
[x] Play it safe, put on your seat-belts, and ensure you and your passenger get to your destination safely. (take a hit to your masculinity meter).
>> No. 22725
[x] Drive through the most ghetto portion of the city while playing, “Where Da Hood At” as loud as physically possible, all while shouting obscenities and throwing your own made up gang signs at every person you pass by. Oh, and don’t forget about the hydraulics you installed the other day…
>> No. 22726
[x] Drive through the most ghetto portion of the city while playing, “Where Da Hood At” as loud as physically possible, all while shouting obscenities and throwing your own made up gang signs at every person you pass by. Oh, and don’t forget about the hydraulics you installed the other day…


I couldn't pass this up. Am I a bad person?
>> No. 22727
[x] Play it safe, put on your seat-belts, and ensure you and your passenger get to your destination safely. (take a hit to your masculinity meter).

Safer than the other two options. 1st one could result in an enraged Ran. 2nd option will result in an enraged Ran, if Chen gets hurt. Unless youkai durability is the same both outside and inside Gensokyo. Still our masculinity would mean nothing if we were ripped limb from limb for somehow actually harming Chen.

The 1st option would probably be better if Joe was on his own except he now has not only a passanger, but also, if such a term can really be applied to Chen, a child as a passanger. Somehow I think traffic cops and the law will be harder on Joe if he does his usual driving with a child, especially without seatbelts.
>> No. 22728
[x] Remember the driving lessons you took from a retired professional street racer a year ago.
[x] Show her the way to drive for fun(& MANLY). Remind her to tighten her seatbelts because it is going to be A HELL OF A RIDE.
[x] Do drifting on corners, dragging behind an 18-wheeler, all of that stunts.
>> No. 22729
[x] Remember the driving lessons you took from a retired professional street racer a year ago.
[x] Show her the way to drive for fun(& MANLY). Remind her to tighten her seatbelts because it is going to be A HELL OF A RIDE.
[x] Do drifting on corners, dragging behind an 18-wheeler, all of that stunts.
>> No. 22730
[x] Play it safe, put on your seat-belts, and ensure you and your passenger get to your destination safely. (take a hit to your masculinity meter).
>> No. 22731
[x] Remember the driving lessons you took from a retired professional street racer a year ago.
[X] Show her the way to drive for fun(& MANLY). Remind her to tighten her seatbelts because it is going to be A HELL OF A RIDE.
[X] Do drifting on corners, dragging behind an 18-wheeler, all of that stunts.

I like this option.
>> No. 22732
[x] Remember the driving lessons you took from a retired professional street racer a year ago.
[x] Show her the way to drive for fun(& MANLY). Remind her to tighten her seatbelts because it is going to be A HELL OF A RIDE.
[x] Do drifting on corners, dragging behind an 18-wheeler, all of that stunts.

Where doin' car danmaku!
>> No. 22733
[x] Remember the driving lessons you took from a retired professional street racer a year ago.
[x] Show her the way to drive for fun(& MANLY). Remind her to tighten her seatbelts because it is going to be A HELL OF A RIDE.
[x] Do drifting on corners, dragging behind an 18-wheeler, all of that stunts.
[x] All while driving through the most ghetto portion of the city while playing, “Where Da Hood At” as loud as physically possible, all while shouting obscenities and throwing your own made up gang signs at every person you pass by. Oh, and don’t forget about the hydraulics you installed the other day…

Shit's so cash, yo.
>> No. 22734
>>22733
Trying to do all that at once? More like "shit's so crash, yo."

On an unrelated note: This story started kind of weak and/or derp, but now it's actually kind of weird and amusing.

I do like the idea of "Try to stay OUT of Gensokyo, though." It's a refreshing change from normal.
>> No. 22735
[ø] Remember the driving lessons you took from a retired professional street racer a year ago.
[ø] Show her the way to drive for fun(& MANLY). Remind her to tighten her seatbelts because it is going to be A HELL OF A RIDE.
[ø] Do drifting on corners, dragging behind an 18-wheeler, all of that stunts.

A fine option indeed.
>> No. 22736
File 128383633949.jpg - (54.35KB, 488x269, do-not-enter.jpg) [iqdb]
22736
[x] Remember the driving lessons you took from a retired professional street racer a year ago.
[x] Show her the way to drive for fun (& MANLY). Remind her to tighten her seatbelts because it is going to be A HELL OF A RIDE.
[x] Do drifting on corners, dragging behind an 18-wheeler, all of that stunts.


As you sit in behind the wheel of your modified ride, you begin reminisce on how you first learned how to drive. You can’t remember your teacher’s face very well (he wore a racing helmet at all times), but you DO remember very clearly all the lessons he imparted onto you.

“I wanna eat fish!” your passenger says happily as she puts on her seatbelt.

Fish huh? You know of an excellent seafood restaurant on the other side of town. Its almost lunch-hour, so the roads are going to fill up soon, and you would need to go REALLY fast in order to beat traffic.

Perfect.

You smile to yourself as you pull out of the parking lot and make your first turn onto the main street. Your little buddy managed to find your collection of Cds with all your favorite tunes on it and is deciding between polka mix 4 and Initial D but is otherwise preoccupied. You decide to get her attention by making this right turn a little harder than expected, so you speed up and turn the steering wheel to the right as you hit the turn and then counter steer it to the left to continue the slide. Luckily there’s nobody around to get in your way so you manage a beautiful slide around the corner. As you straighten out your car, you look over to gauge your passenger’s reaction, and she’s still trying to decide over the two CD’s.

Damn, well, alright, the next turn is a left and then a quick right shortly afterwards, so you speed up once again and manage to drift around the first corner, but at the second corner there are 2 cars waiting at a red light. You manage to swing the back end of the car around into the middle and oncoming traffic lane(which luckily isn‘t occupied by anyone), slide around the two cars at the red light, and finally straighten your car out after finishing the drift. Surely she must have at least noticed the abrupt change in g-forces! You look over and notice that she’s leaning slightly towards the polka mix CD, but is still unsure.

DAMMIT. Okay then, maybe the only way to get her attention is to do something so outrageous and MANLY that you decide to Ghost Ride the Whip while shirtless and drinking alcohol. The street you’re on is straight with the next light a few miles down, so you decide now is as good as ever. You reach into the glove box and pull out your emergency jagermeister, take your shirt off, put the car on cruise control, unbuckle your seatbelt, roll down your window, open your door, and attempt to climb out onto the roof of your car using the door as a step. You feel incredibly foolish as the wind buffets your entire body, threatening to throw you off the car entirely, but through sheer perseverance, you make it.

Shit yeah! You may not be standing on the roof, per say, but you believe crouching counts well enough. Right before you call out to your passenger (who is probably still hasn’t made her choice yet) to notice how totally awesome you are, you notice an anomaly in the road.
There is a do not enter sign directly in the path of your car.
Right in the middle of the road.
Your mind cannot comprehend the absurdity of the situation and you freeze on top of your car.
You have about 5 seconds before impact.

Uh, yeah, not much you can do here but perhaps your alcohol starved brain can think of something…

[x] *Blink*
[x] Attempt to brace yourself against the impact of the sign, it couldn’t be that bad.
[x] Take a hearty swig of your jagermeister and call the sign’s mother a filthy whore.

(on a side note, I had two other variations of this update involving lots of fire, police chases, and multi track train drifting. But all of these scenarios were so absolutely absurd, it was like jumping the shark…while riding a shark rocket powered by Slim Jims.)
>> No. 22737
[x] Take a hearty swig of your jagermeister and call the sign’s mother a filthy whore.

To some, it is a true statement.
>> No. 22738
[X] Take a hearty swig of your jagermeister and call the sign’s mother a filthy whore.

Yukari drives like this all the time, so Chen isn't affected.

Now lets ram the car into Yukari's sign post, If You Know What I Mean.
>> No. 22739
[X] Take a hearty swig of your jagermeister and call the sign’s mother a filthy whore.

How can we not vote for this?
>> No. 22740
File 128388122816.jpg - (19.25KB, 500x400, jagermeister1.jpg) [iqdb]
22740
[x] Take a hearty swig of your jagermeister and call the sign’s mother a filthy whore.

(I assume you all are okay with this quick update)


Oh well, the choices were pretty pitiful and were going to end painfully anyways. Might as well go down like a real man with a bottle in one hand and a defiant look in your eyes. You chug down a few gulps of your precious alcohol (damn that burns, you could feel your chest hairs growing as we speak) and look that damned sign right in the eyes.

“yer mother was a filth*WHAM*

You are rudely interrupted by your car‘s sudden change in momentum. Now, you’re not a physics major, but you believe that the sign should have crumpled under the sheer weight and velocity of the car, or at the very least just cause the car to jolt violently. But nope, you’re soaring through the air in an almost comedic fashion with the bottle of jager in one hand and in the same position as you were on top of the car. Your airtime is only for a brief moment, but everything seems to go in slow motion as you manage to turn your head around to see that the sign is still upright and your car behind it completely crumpled up, as if it hit a completely immovable object.

“Holy shit” is what you’d be thinking, but the ground manages to catch up to you in your bullet time and, once again, you are rudely interrupted as your body begins to tumble and roll. Your body makes sickening thuds and crunches as you are unceremoniously thrown about the highway and are held at the mercy of lady physics (and she is a cruel mistress indeed). Strangely enough, you are entirely calm about the entire thing and feel no pain whatsoever. It all just seems so surreal to you. You’ve never been so reckless before in your life, you’ve always just taken it easy and drank your life away in a safe cozy environment. And now, while your world is spinning before you, you’ve never felt so mortal before, never felt like you have so much to lose…
You kinda like it.
Perhaps its all the adrenaline coursing through your veins, or perhaps it’s your beloved alcohol soothing the pain, but right now, you only have one goal in mind.

Your body eventually skids to a stop as you curled up your body in order to cushion the blows. Blood oozes out of multiple wounds all across your body, but mostly on your chest and head. Maybe taking off your shirt wasn’t such a good idea, but it probably wouldn’t have done you much good anyways. You briefly wonder about your little buddy still trapped inside your car and hope that she’s still okay, but you just convince yourself that the seatbelt did its job and, although shaken, she’s still more or less alright. An eerie silence permeates through the air, assuring you that the mayhem is over.

Right when you relax your muscles, an explosion rips right through the silence and causes you to tense all your muscles up again. Bits and pieces of shrapnel land around you, evidence of the terrible misfortune that your car bore. You don’t even need to look at the huge pillar of fire which was once your main mode of transportation to know what happened, the explosion told you enough. You mind wanders back to your tiny friend and your brain attempts tries to convince you that she survived somehow.
Maybe she flew out the front windshield on impact and…wait, no, goddamned seatbelt…
Or perhaps she jumped out before the car collided with the sign, but wait she was preoccupied with the Cds…
Or…or… she climbed out of the car AFTER the collision and…no. The car was completely mangled when you last saw it, there’s no way should could have gotten out before the explosion.
Fuck.
Your mind frantically searches for any excuse against her death, but every time it reaches the same conclusion: dead.
It wouldn’t have been so bad if she wasn’t your friend, but she was the only one to accept you, the only one who WANTED to be your friend. You won’t let her death be in vain.

You uncurl your body to reveal the precious cargo you were trying to protect with your body. The Jagermeister, despite being opened didn’t lose a single drop while you were tumbling (thanks to your amazing concentration). You sit up, finish off the bottle in one go, and smash the bottle on the ground.

Its show time.

(you’ve earned the title of Jagermaster, you can focus all of your concentration on one action and perform incredible feats and skills)

The smoldering wreck that was your car (and now holds the grave of your beloved friend) has an eerie presence over it. The fire is beginning to take on a purplish hue and beckons you, almost in a sickly sweet voice. You are consciously drawn towards the fire and your newfound righteous fury welcomes it, but at the same time all of your survival instincts tell you to run the FUCK away.

Well, hero, what shall you do?

[x] Its time to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I’m all out of gum.
[x] No, you are sorely under-equipped and under-prepared.Whatever it is that’s calling you out will have to wait for your well planned retribution.
>> No. 22741
>>22738

Reminds me of AoS Yukari if it were true.

[X] Take a hearty swig of your jagermeister and call the sign’s mother a filthy whore.
>> No. 22742
[x] Equip the new title.
[x] No, you are sorely under-equipped and under-prepared.Whatever it is that’s calling you out will have to wait for your well planned retribution.
[x] Run like your life depends on it. Like getting as far away from the nuclear reactor before it explodes and destroy the whole continent.


Not yet, we don't have any weapons yet.
>> No. 22744
Oh, inventory check:

1 Pair of jeans (worn)
1 Pair of socks (worn)
1 Pair of tennis shoes (worn)
1 Wallet in back pocket (with $100 and your ID)
1 Peppermint in front pocket
1 Broken jagermeister bottle in right hand.

Seems kinda irrelevant right now but, eh, who knows?
>> No. 22745
[x] Equip the new title.
[x] No, you are sorely under-equipped and under-prepared.Whatever it is that’s calling you out will have to wait for your well planned retribution.
[x] Run like your life depends on it. Like getting as far away from the nuclear reactor before it explodes and destroy the whole continent.
>> No. 22746
[x] Equip the new title.
[x] No, you are sorely under-equipped and under-prepared. Whatever it is that’s calling you out will have to wait for your well planned retribution.
[x] Piss on the fire to establish indignation.
[x] Run like your life depends on it. Like getting as far away from the nuclear reactor before it explodes and destroy the whole continent.
>> No. 22747
[x] Equip the new title.
[x] No, you are sorely under-equipped and under-prepared.Whatever it is that’s calling you out will have to wait for your well planned retribution.
[x] Run like your life depends on it. Like getting as far away from the nuclear reactor before it explodes and destroy the whole continent.
>> No. 22748
[ø] Equip the new title.
[ø] Its time to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I’m all out of gum.
Let's see if youkai retain their exceptionally strong physique. (in this anon's story)
>> No. 22749
[x] Equip the new title.
[x] No, you are sorely under-equipped and under-prepared.Whatever it is that’s calling you out will have to wait for your well planned retribution.
[x] Run like your life depends on it. Like getting as far away from the nuclear reactor before it explodes and destroy the whole continent.
>> No. 22750
File 128392099073.jpg - (283.32KB, 700x1190, Deadly Rivals car.jpg) [iqdb]
22750
[x] Equip the new title.
[x] No, you are sorely under-equipped and under-prepared. Whatever it is that’s calling out to you will have to wait for your well planned retribution.
[x] Run like your life depends on it. Like getting as far away from the nuclear reactor before it explodes and destroys the whole continent.

You equip your shiny, new title. It can be quite deadly in the right hands and you will plan to exploit it to its fullest when the time for your retribution is at hand.

However, now is not that time. You listen to your gut-instinct and decide to book it as fast as you can. You turn your head and give one last respect at the remains of your beloved car and late friend, then begin sprinting from the blazing wreckage. You run as fast as you can and as far as you can, but as the adrenaline in your bloodstream begins to fade, your wounds catch up to you and your breathing becomes ragged and labored. You’ve made it about half a mile by sprinting, but your stride becomes a limp as the pain starts to become overwhelming.

You stop for a brief moment and examine your body:
Your head hurts, but it doesn’t look like you’ve suffered a concussion or anything.
Your right shoulder feels like its been sprained but, other than the scrapes and bruises, both your arms relatively are functional.
You might have a few cracked ribs as it is incredibly painful to touch certain parts of your torso, any more physical trauma to your chest is going to most likely shatter your ribs.
Unfortunately, it looks like there’s something wrong with you’re hips as it is incredibly agonizing and difficult to walk, let alone run. This is, of course, not good in any way.
Your legs and feet are battered and bruised. They don’t appear to be horribly mangled, but you probably shouldn’t be relying on them too heavily (its not like you can run, anyways).

Summary: You can interact with things and can defend yourself if you had a firearm of some sort, but you’d be in a severe disadvantage in a close combat scenario. Your lower body is also crippled so it would be impossible to do any kind of running or kicking.

After looking yourself over, you notice that you are located near the central hub of the city. With just about any kind of store or entertainment. The first thing that comes to mind is a hospital, but that is actually a decent walk away (even more so with your bad hip), not to mention that you’re in a very rough section of the city and you’re just ripe for the picking in your current state. It would be unwise to stay out in the streets for long as the city is cruel and unmerciful.

Feel free to type any course of action you think Joe should make, here are some examples:

[x] Find a mall or someplace populated to hide for now. Whatever it is that’s after you wouldn’t dare attack in broad daylight.
[x] Head towards the nearest pharmacy and stock up on painkillers and other goods.
[x] Get to a gun store and procure yourself a weapon.
[x] Attempt to make your way to the hospital, you are in no condition to fight or flee.
[x] Damn you need a drink. Go to the pub.

(Have fun~)
>> No. 22751
[x] Head towards the nearest pharmacy and stock up on painkillers and other goods.
>> No. 22752
[x] Head towards the nearest
pharmacy and stock up on
painkillers and other goods.
[x] Get to a gun store and
procure yourself a weapon.
[x] Attempt to make your way to
the hospital, you are in no
condition to fight or flee.
[x] Damn you need a drink. Go
to the pub. And steal some bottles.
>> No. 22753
>>22752

On second thought, don't take the hospital vote.
>> No. 22754
[x] Get to a gun store and
procure yourself a weapon.
[x] Activate Jagermaster
[x] Rob the nearby liquor store.
>> No. 22755
[ø] Get to a gun store and procure yourself a weapon.
[ø] Attempt to make your way to the hospital, you are in no condition to fight or flee.
[ø] Damn you need a drink. Go to the pub.
>> No. 22756
<>go to the hospital
<> buy gun( loaded) from gun store
<>rob gun store
<> rob liquor store
>> No. 22757
File 128401690278.png - (633.49KB, 692x450, GUN.png) [iqdb]
22757
[x] Get to a gun store and procure yourself a weapon.
[x] Damn you need a drink. Go to the pub.

You would simply love to go to the pub and get a drink to soothe the pain (hell, you’d get a drink regardless), but something tells you that you won’t get getting away with that very easily. The ominous presence from before is slowly approaching from where you came and you’d feel very much at ease if you had something more than a broken bottle of Jagermeister to defend yourself with. You remember that there was a gun store nearby from where you purchased a shotgun a few years ago and that the prices were fairly reasonable, but finding a weapon and ammunition with just $100...well its worth a shot.

You make it to Jeffro’s Run and Gun without incident (after discarding the broken bottle, you wouldn’t want to make any bad impressions now would you?) and stumble through the door. The guy behind the counter is significantly surprised at your arrival and even more surprised at the condition you’re in.
You slam the $100 on the counter and ask what you can purchase with this money. The shopkeeper, who’d rather not know why you’re in such a state, begins to explain the problem with your query. As you feared, there are very few things you can get, and that’s not even counting ammunition. As you attempt to haggle him, you activate Jagermaster in an attempt to have him sell you something, anything.

Success! You‘ve acquired a “7-shot Nagant M1895 Revolver” and 21 7.62mm rounds for only $90! Unfortunately, the revolver looks to be in very poor condition and you’d be amazed if it can fire at all. You note that Jagermaster lets you focus all of your into a single goal in order to perform amazing feats of strength, dexterity, skill, and charisma, but at the same time it severely hampers everything else. Sure you got an incredible deal, but the firearm might be more harmful to the user than the target. Oh well, at least you now know that Jagermaster should be used sparingly or at the least VERY carefully unless the situation is incredibly dire. The man who sold you the gun, Jeffro you assume, was nice enough to give you a little box to hold your ammunition in. You thank him, pocket the box of ammo, place the gun in the back of your pants (which is painfully obvious to see because your lack of a shirt) and then painfully limp away from the store.

Well, now that you can (sorta) defend yourself, but before you do anything drastic (like rob people) you think it’s a proper time for a drink. Sure that horrible feeling of death is creeping up on you, but damn, if that isn’t a reason to drink then you don’t know what is. Conveniently, there is a bar right across the street from Jeffro’s Run and Gun and you head on over for a quick cold one. You draw the eyes of the pub’s patrons, but you simply don’t care. You’re in a lot of pain and you pray to god that $10’s worth of alcohol will make some of it go away.
It doesn’t look good, but any alcohol is better than no alcohol.

You sit at the bar next to a pretty blonde lady wearing a frilly hat. Its kind of silly looking, but whatever, a hat’s a hat. You decide to:

[x] Get a shot of absinthe. Let the good times roll.
[x] Get a shot of scotch. Man, those were the good ol’ days.
[x] Get a shot of whiskey. A classic drink for those who are less fortunate than others.
[x] Get a mug of beer. You want to sit back and enjoy yourself for a bit.
[x] Get the lady next to you a drink. Why not?
[x] Get the lady’s hat and wear it on your head. Once again, why not?
>> No. 22758
>blonde lady wearing a frilly hat.
Cue boss music.

[x] Get a shot of scotch. Man, those were the good ol’ days.
[x] Get the lady’s hat and wear it on your head. Once again, why not?
>> No. 22759
[X] Get a shot of whiskey. A classic drink for those who are less fortunate than others.
>> No. 22760
[x] Get a shot of scotch. Man, those were the good ol’ days.
[x] Get a shot of whiskey. A classic drink for those who are less fortunate than others.
[x] Get the lady’s hat and wear it on your head. Once again, why not?
>> No. 22761
[ø] Get a shot of scotch. Man, those were the good ol’ days.
[ø] Get the lady next to you a drink. Why not?
[ø] Get the lady’s hat and wear it on your head. Once again, why not?
Yukari impressing game. Hopefully she won't kill us on the spot for us possibly having killed Chen. I'm hoping that Yukari gapped Chen out of the car in the last minute
>> No. 22762
...She's gonna smack us with a "jail or Gensokyo" choice, isn't she.

Because there's no way our actions would have made us the object of police pursuit.
>> No. 22763
I'm completely expecting this to actually be Ran in disguise and for us to die horribly for endangering her beloved Chen.
>> No. 22764
File 128409336758.jpg - (129.05KB, 433x367, hg001copy.jpg) [iqdb]
22764
[x] Get a shot of scotch. Man those were the good ol’ days.
[x] Get the lady’s hat and wear it on your head. Once again, why not?

You decide to piss the rest of your money away on scotch and heal your wounds like a real man would. Unfortunately, there wasn’t NEARLY enough scotch to do the trick and now you’re sitting there still in pain and pissed as hell. You notice that the blonde lady next to you was smirking at you the entire time you were while enjoying some kind of green martini.

“So are you done dicking around or what?” The lady says in a smooth, sultry tone. Her smug expression is really getting on your last nerve.

This bitch better not be talking to you. Nobody makes fun of you, no matter how pretty they are.

“You know, I gave you an excellent opportunity to prepare yourself for your excursion and what do you do? You’ve managed to do terrible things to one of my servants, cripple yourself, and somehow managed to end up far worse than you were at the start of the day, all in only a few hours.” She chuckles at you as if you were a small child who didn‘t know any better.

Oh yeah, this bitch is definitely talking to you and you don’t want to hear none of her shit. You completely ignore what she’s saying and glare at her to let her know that you are not amused. She has no idea what you went through today and you are definitely not in the mood for her smuggery.

“I can’t believe I’m wasting my time on such a pathetic excuse for a human,” she leans back and shrugs as if to say “it can’t be helped“. “My shikigami would like to see your head on a platter, but don’t worry, since I’m such a kind person I won‘t let her attack you. I’ll even send you somewhere nice because of your injuries.” She then gives you an incredibly condescending look and says, “you know you should thank me. Its not very often I help out the weak.”

Human? Shikigami? Weak? You have no idea what she’s talking about, mostly because you’re too angry to pay attention. You do know that she’s looking down on you and that alone warrants your retribution. It feels like she’s taking your dignity away with her words, so you want to take something of hers away in return.

Quick as a flash, you reach out, steal her frilly hat, and place it upon your head.
HAH! She totally didn’t see it coming and is just staring at you dumbfounded. Serves her right for looking down at you.

You gain 1 frilly hat! [equipped]

You don’t really pay too much attention to how she’s coping with this sudden and dramatic turn of events and, frankly, you don’t give a damn. What’s she going to do anyways?
Actually, what are YOU going to do now?

[x] Leave the bar and go rob someone for some quick cash.
[x] No wait, that bitch pissed you off. Demand a drink from her.
[x] No wait, that bitch REALLY pissed you off. Give her a big sloppy kiss to rub some salt in the wound.
[x] RUN YOUR CRIPPLED ASS AWAY (or at least limp away as fast as you can).
>> No. 22765
[x] No wait, that bitch REALLY pissed you off. Give her a big sloppy kiss to rub some salt in the wound.
[x] Electric Slide the fuck out of there.
>> No. 22766
[x] No wait, that bitch REALLY pissed you off. Give her a big sloppy kiss to rub some salt in the wound.
[x] Electric Slide the fuck out of there.

Without love, it cannot be seen.
>> No. 22767
[ø] No wait, that bitch REALLY pissed you off. Give her a big sloppy kiss to rub some salt in the wound.
[ø] Moonwalk out of the bar.

only path, final destination.
>> No. 22768
[X] No wait, that bitch REALLY pissed you off. Give her a big sloppy kiss to rub some salt in the wound.
[X] Some sort of awesome dance move that will allow you to keep an eye on her, let you see where you're going, and leave the bar, all at the same time.

If we're going to piss her off, I prefer to be able to live through it.
>> No. 22769
[X] No wait, that bitch REALLY pissed you off. Give her a big sloppy kiss to rub some salt in the wound.
[X] Crab walk out in style.

Hey, Crabs are an endangered species. Maybe you can trick Yukari into thinking you're a crab and prevent her from doing horrible things to you.
>> No. 22770
[x] No wait, that bitch REALLY pissed you off. Give her a big sloppy kiss to rub some salt in the wound.
[x] Electric Slide the fuck out of there.
Heh, this story just gets better and better.
>> No. 22771
[X] No wait, that bitch REALLY pissed you off. Give her a big sloppy kiss to rub some salt in the wound.
[X] Electric Slide the fuck out of there.

There haven't been enough non-serious CYOAs recently. This is a godsend in a world of grimdark and drama.
>> No. 22772
>>22771

> Grimdark

Grimdark? You haven't seen Grimdark yet. Blow up a couple of planets while torturing the populations on them in the most gruesome way possible, and then we'll talk.
>> No. 22773
>>22772

No, no, that's not grimdark, it's "Warhammer", which is mostly code for "pants-on-head retarded".
>> No. 22774
File 128415192847.png - (109.83KB, 450x571, spycrab.png) [iqdb]
22774
[x] No wait, that bitch REALLY pissed you off. Give her a big sloppy kiss to rub salt in the wound.
[x] Moonwalk, Electric Slide, and crab walk out in style.

(fuck it, I like all these suggestions so I’m gonna make this work.)
(I’M GONNA MAKE THIS WORK.)



Hahaha! Oh man the look on her face was priceless! You sure wiped that smug look off of her face! Hell, that made you feel so good, you want to go above and beyond the call of duty. And so the cogs in your head begin to turn…

“Why you…” the blonde lady snarls while slowly standing up. All manner of elegance and grace gone from her figure, only to be replaced by a deadly aura.

However, you completely remove that deadly aura with another surprise attack!
Once again, quick as a flash, you move into that deadly aura grab the back of her head with one hand, and force your lips to hers as your tongue begins dancing inside her mouth. Your other hand, of course, reaches around and cops a major feel on her shapely arse.

“Mmmmph…?!” Your victim can only moan as she is completely and absolutely surprised by this sudden violation of personal space and is unable to fight back. Her deadly aura quickly dissolves into shock and horror. The onlookers at the bar only stare at how ballsy you are and continue watching with interest, hoping something more would happen.

Now, you love copping a feel and everything, but the main goal of your other hand was to reach into her back pocket and fish for a quarter. Of course, due to the laws of awesome, you manage to find one (and you couldn’t resist copping one more feel) and after untangling your tongue from the shocked blonde lady‘s, you slowly turn towards the side of the room with a jukebox about a good 45 feet away. Every eye in the bar is locked on you (including the lady you just violated) as they eagerly anticipate what you’ll do next. You place the quarter in between your thumb and index finger and, in one quick, fluent motion, you flick the quarter towards the jukebox. All the eyes in the bar are now on the quarter as it slowly soars across the bar towards its destination. What normally takes about a second to happen, elongates to 10 seconds, as if time itself stopped to watch what will happen. The silence of the bar is broken by the small *chink* of the quarter sliding into the slot perfectly.

The record inside the jukebox lifts and is slowly replaced by a much more recognizable song. The needle on the track begins to lower and there is nary a sound as the needle is placed upon the record.

Silence……

“OW!” screams the jukebox as the entire bar erupts in movement. Smooth Criminal begins playing and everyone begins to dance and move in an entirely choreographed way. Of course, you play the role as the King of Pop so you tilt the frilly hat on your head and proceed to dance the FUCK out of this bar, broken hips be damned. You and the entire bar (except for the blonde lady of course) reenact the ENTIRE scene from moonwalker perfectly, almost as if all the patrons were waiting for someone to come along and initiate the whole thing. Near the end, the police bust on in and try to apprehend you. Yeah, turns out that somebody saw you trying to toss something off the roof of your apartment and drive off in a very reckless manner with a child in tow that you were previously unaffiliated with and then somehow manage to connect the exploding car in the middle of the highway with your car. How very inconvenient. Luckily, the patrons of the bar manage to smuggle you out the back (because damn it wouldn’t you save someone who can dance like Michael from Moonwalker?) and now you’re back on the streets again, but this time the sidewalks and streets are populated by many people.

Hmm, you may be safe (for now), but you are slowly engulfed by a inexplicable urge to dance! You try your best to resist is as standing out isn’t going to aid your survivability, but a man walks by you with a ghetto blaster on his shoulder playing, wouldn’t you know it, Electric slide!

Awwww SHIT now how can you resist that? You completely ignore the pain in your lower body as you do the electric slide right there on the side walk. The man with the ghetto blaster sees you doing the Electric Slide and starts to boogie on with you! Eventually, a large crowd gathers around you and spills out into the nearby street, blocking traffic and causing a huge pile up that goes back as far as you can see. Fortunately, every driver, instead of jumping out of their cars to beat your ass, instead jumps out and starts dancing with everyone! Now you’ve got a whole crowd doing the electric slide with you in the middle of the whole thing.

Oh yeah, you were trying to get away to safety, but how can you inconspicuously escape the crowd of people who now follow you like their messiah? Why, by imitating the endangered (but stealthy) spy crab! You place your hands over your head, somehow managed to crouch down with your bad hips, and scuttle away. Unfortunately, your charisma level is SO high at this point, everyone imitates you and now you have an entire army scuttling along with you! Its all like a demented version of HALFBY: Rodeo Machine (look it up) as your spy crab army envelopes all you fail to get out of the way. In the resulting chaos, you manage to slip into an alleyway unnoticed and catch your breath. Man, its not easy Having all that charisma!

Good job! You’ve gotten the title “Smooth Criminal” which, once equipped, gives a huge boost to your charisma and allows you to solve many of your problems by DANCING.

You’ve also gained the ability “Shock and Awe” which allows you to take somebody completely by surprise, regardless of the situation.

Also, you’re masculinity meter returns to normal levels, but your AWESOME meter is completely pegged, allowing you to gain ONE permanent trait, choose wisely.

[x] Charisma- People are naturally attracted to you and are easily persuadable.
[x] Badass Motherfuckery- You are a BITCH to kill. Your toughness skyrockets and allows you to be a complete badass even when near death.
[x] Hokuto Shinken- Learn the 2 thousand year old martial arts of assassination. Kenshiro would be proud.
>> No. 22775
[x] Badass Motherfuckery
>> No. 22776
File 128415369989.jpg - (215.62KB, 516x648, SaxtonMotherfukkinHale.jpg) [iqdb]
22776
[x] Badass Motherfuckery OF SAXTON HALE!

FUCK yes. NO ONE MESSES WITH A RARE, ENDANGERED SPY CRAB! Hell, you're almost as MANLY as SAXTON HALE NOW!
>> No. 22777
File 128415882224.jpg - (19.82KB, 342x413, teddy.jpg) [iqdb]
22777
[x] Badass Motherfuckery- You are a BITCH to kill. Your toughness skyrockets and allows you to be a complete badass even when near death.

>>22776
Soon we'll reach the levels of Teddy Roosevelt.
>> No. 22778
>>22774
That was GLORIOUS.

[ø] Charisma- People are naturally attracted to you and are easily persuadable.

With this permanent trait, We'll make Yukari ours.
>> No. 22779
[X] Badass Motherfuckery- You are a BITCH to kill. Your toughness skyrockets and allows you to be a complete badass even when near death.

This.
>> No. 22780
[x] Hokuto Shinken- Learn the 2 thousand year old martial arts of assassination. Kenshiro would be proud.

It also comes with toughness; Kenshiro among other things has tanked getting hit with Pillars, Skyscrapers, and girders. All without much effect.
>> No. 22781
[X] Badass Motherfuckery- You are a BITCH to kill. Your toughness skyrockets and allows you to be a complete badass even when near death.

Now we need to get the Terminator trait, and then we'll have a good chance of taking Yukari head on and winning.
>> No. 22782
>>22781
infamous last words.
>> No. 22783
File 128419849545.jpg - (133.73KB, 500x333, 3669799125_d54db2fb17.jpg) [iqdb]
22783
[x] Badass Motherfuckery- You are a BITCH to kill. Your toughness skyrockets and allows you to be a complete badass even when near death.

The sounds of your spy crab parade begin to die off in the distance as you hide in an alley while attempting to catch your breath. Man, you never knew dancing would be so strenuous, but it kinda makes you feel…different. It feels like you’ve grown a lot tougher since the beginning of the day, almost like you can take on the entire world without breaking a sweat. You try to dispose of that thought though, thinking like that will only get you killed. The alleyway you are in is now as silent as a graveyard and gives you a nice repose to decide you next action.
BUT, first things first. You’ve had this horrible pain in your hips and you think its overstayed its welcome. You flex all the muscles in your lower body and with a series of sickening sounds, you manage to relocate your hip bones. You never figured that was possible, but hey, today just seems to be a day of magic and wonder hasn‘t it? It was also a good thing that your hips were just dislocated and not shattered, or else you couldn‘t have pulled it off. You test your legs out and it seems to be functioning quite nicely…well, all except for a slight nagging pain, but that’s easily manageable at this point.

Now before you get a chance to do anything else, you hear a rapid pattering of small feet in the distance. The sound eventually turns into the alleyway and you see a tiny, but slightly familiar object running at you full tilt. The blur then leaps up, curls into a bar, and soars straight towards you.
Before you can react, the ball slams into your chest with a loud crunch. Extreme pain and surprise overwhelm you as your ribcage fully collapses and punctures your lungs from the sudden trauma. Your body crumples to the ground and with a *thud* you hit the ground and are now staring up at the sky. You are suddenly looted by your assailant and as quickly as it arrived, it leaves without a trace.
Goddammit! Your mind falls back to the lady you stole the hat from and then sexually assaulted. Its almost as if karma bit you right in the ass for the misdeeds you inflicted upon that poor blonde lady. Speaking of that lady, you notice that your frilly hat is gone and you are incredibly downtrodden because of this. Man, you went EVERYWHERE with that hat, from dancing at the bar to raising that spy crab army (by accident), you two grew close over the minutes you knew each other. Someone must pay for this travesty, and you’re just the man to do it. You make a mental note of this and focus on at least standing back up. Its incredibly painful to breathe and the taste of blood is fresh in your mouth, but as you sit up, the sound of more footsteps make you freeze.

It is an ominous sound, possibly foreshadowing some kind of misfortune to further befoul your day. It sounds like the same footsteps from before, but this time they’re at a slower pace and are accompanied by another pair of footsteps. Now, you’re not an expert at discerning things by the way they sound, but you’ll bet the rest of the money in your wallet (a whopping $0) that this is not good at all.

Your wounds would incapacitate a normal man, but luckily your choice of Badass Motherfuckery lets you decide how this encounter plays out.

[x] Get the hell out of there, you’ll meet whoever this is on more favorable grounds.
[x] Lay back down and pretend to be helpless.
[x] Try to hide in a trash can like some kind of badass motherfuckin’ grouch and plan your counter attack.
[x] No, a real man stands up to his challenges. Stand up, cross your arms, and complain to whoever it is that turns the corner that they are late.
>> No. 22784
[x] Try to hide in a trash can like Oscar motherfuckin’ grouch and plan your counter attack.

Yes. FUCKING OSCAR! WE WILL DEFEAT OUR FOES WITH BADASS GROUCHINESS!
>> No. 22785
[x] No, a real man stands up to his challenges. Stand up, cross your arms, and complain to whoever it is that turns the corner that they are late.
>> No. 22786
[X] Try to hide in a trash can like some kind of badass motherfuckin’ grouch and plan your counter attack.
166posts omitted. First 100 shown.
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