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32824 No. 32824
Do you like femdom, torture, rape and male mind break? Stick around and let me know how or if i should continue.

This is part 1 of 2.

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In front of a large house, outside a large gate, a large Chinese girl “guards” the entrance to her mistress’s mansion, as she has done for countless days already. Today is different though. Instead of feeling drowsy with boredom, Hong Meiling stands on her tip toes with her hand acting like a visor above her eyes, looking down the beaten road from the gate. She’s waiting eagerly for someone. You.

For as long as you can remember, this red haired girl, clad in a formal looking green qipao, has stood watch over the gate that leads to a place she calls the “Scarlet Devil Mansion”. When you were a child, you found this area among the forest while playing with friends, and instead of stoically asking you to leave the premises, she childishly joined in your games, much to the chagrin of the silver haired maid who would shoo you and the others off, then audibly scold Meiling for “entertaining distractions”.

As the years wound on, your friends grew up and eventually stopped visiting the kindly guard who always bared a genuine smile at the sight of your company. At first, she was like a big sister, letting you win arm wrestling matches, teaching you basic Tai chi when you were fascinated by it while only a boy, just relaxing with idle conversation and stories she loved sharing, her cheer never seemed to wane. When you became the only regular company she had at her post, you could tell Meiling truly valued the time you spent with her, and as you grew older, into the man you are now, that time became more precious to you as well. You aren’t quite sure when it happened, but one day, the big sister of your youth suddenly became the most beautiful woman in the world, seemingly unchanged from that playful first meeting many years ago. You’d go home, thinking about her friendly, if simple, personality, and when you came of age, her body, though, the thing you cherished most of all about Hong Meiling was her smile; The kind of smile she’s giving your right now as you make your way down the road to the mansion, a closed wooden box carried under your arm while you wave with the other.
“This won’t do, Yuu-kun…” Meiling scolds you with furrowed eyebrows upon your arrival. “…the day is almost done! I was so scared you might have gotten attacked by a stray youkai...”. Her eyes give a hint of genuine concern, both for you, and for what she would to someone should she find out that they harmed you. Even though the gatekeeper of this mansion is a master of Tai Chi Chuan, she once told you she disliked hurting people and made sure to stress the importance of self control when she taught you a few “self defense” moves. “The attacks HAVE been getting a little frequent.” Meiling’s feminine red eyebrows furrow further into a position of worry. “..but I’ll be fine, the walk isn’t far from the village. Here. I’m late because of these. We had some a week ago and you looked like you’d mug a shrine maiden for more.” You open the box you had been carrying under your arms to reveal nine white lumps of steamy dough. “Yuu’s specialty meat buns??” with speed that defies logical thought, Meiling swipes a meatbun from your box and then takes an unladylike huge bite. “All is forgiven…” she says while munching. “Hey! I was thinking on saving these for tea with you…and afterwards we could continue with my lessons...” You shut the box in protest and put it behind your back, Meiling’s expression of bliss unchanging even after she swallows the first bite. “No time for training I’m afraid. Miss Sakuya will be doing her rounds soon, and yesterday she saw you leaving down the road from a window…I will not have you leaving through the forest though.” She quickly stops you before you even make the suggestion. “Oh? What did Sakuya-san say this time?” Meiling takes a final bite of her meat bun and answers casually between chews “She said you’re probably a womanizer…who’s seeing every other female in Gensokyo behind…my back.” Harsh. Even for the maid who has hated you since childhood. “But we aren’t even dating.” A sudden silence punctuated by the autumn wind blows between you while you both stand at the gate. For a second, you see Meiling look away, the evidence of a frown peeking from around the corner of her mouth…until she turns back to you, a rare forced mirth on her face. “Well, you can’t blame her for thinking that way! You visit me every day, Yuu-kun…” The way she solemnly says it tugs at your chest. You’d have to grow a pair and ask her on a date one day damn it...one day you’d make her more happy than anyone else has! You feel a deep sense of conviction put steel in your spine and make you stand up straight. As if sensing the fire in your belly, Meiling blinks at you curiously. “Yuu…?” Her eyes look into yours and you feel blush fill your cheeks. “S..Sorry. Well..is there at least time fo-WHOA!” A sharp “Shink!” sound cuts off your sentence accompanied with a feeling of impact at the wooden box you had just brought from behind your back.

You drop the container of food in shock when you glance down…There, embedded in the wood, a silver dagger sticks out, the blade having sunk into the box up to the hilt. You have no idea how it got there..it just..appeared. You look back up to find the gate has been opened seemingly while you weren’t paying attention and Meiling isn’t looking at you, her attention turned toward the mansion, her body blocking your view of what’s going on. “Miss Sakuya…You...” The Chinese girl’s voice takes on one of disbelief. “..You could have killed him!” A cool, regretfully familiar voice answers. “And have been rid of the pest once and for all. I didn’t plan on taking this course of action but his persistence leaves me with little choice. He has lulled you into security by using your past friendship and is up to something…The idiot fairy you always fail to notice says he consorts with that witch, and as such, I will tolerate your relationship no further.” It’s all too clear now...Sakuya is here, probably just a few feet away, and she actually wants to kill you…but it’s just a misunderstanding! “Lady Izayoi, please, Marisa and I don’t ev-” “Oh? You hear that Meiling? They’re on a first name basis…I told you.” There is a sickly sweet satisfaction dripping from her voice as she interrupts you, her smile almost being audible, though Meiling doesn’t flinch; she knows you. She trusts you. “Run…I’m sorry…You’ll need to go through the forest after all, I never expected this.” Meiling shifts her stance after her hushed words so you can sneak away behind the mansion’s outer walls without Sakuya seeing, the forest would provide cover if your escape was noticed. “Move aside. You know how this’ll turn out if you fight me.” By the time she’s finished her sentence, you’re well away from the mansion, tripping over almost every bush, log, and root in the forest in your attempt to get the hell out of Dodge, the number one thought going through your mind not being your survival, but when you’ll be able to see the green gatekeeper once again. Meanwhile, Meiling folds her arms in an all too obvious feign of surrender. “Wow…looks like he got away!” she says with contained relief while stepping aside. Sakuya, however, still has her modest smile and closed eyes she always maintains when she knows she’s won. “Oh but Meiling…I forgot to mention..I’ve informed Milady of his disturbances. She agrees that he must be disposed of.” At that moment, she feels a chill roll up her back. “Disposed of….”, the words echo in Meiling’s mind as she grinds her teeth… like you’re just common trash… “Why….” She quickly loses her composure at the thought of you in danger and her fists tremble with built up anger about to overflow. “...WHY DO YOU HATE YUU SO MUCH?!” Sakuya sighs like she must explain something trivial to a child for the hundredth time. “During his visits, this week alone, several youkai and one damnable witch have seemingly been able to waltz right in and treat the Mansion as a playground/public library. Tell me, did you have any knowledge of this?” Meiling stomps on the ground impudently, clearly having had enough Sakuya’s “you are a guard, nothing more” attitude. “WHAT ABOUT ME? I stand here every day! I haven’t had a day off in…in..I lost count! Yuu’s the only person who talks to me…he’s the only one who really listens..I..I need him….he’s never done anything untoward to the grounds or I..” Meiling’s heart spills out to the head maid in vain, her only reply being seven hard words that come out as casually as an afternoon farewell, leaving the gatekeeper shaken by how cold her co-worker truly is.

“I don’t care. Get back to work.”

Just like that, the silver haired girl then elegantly turns around to face the mansion and heads back towards the ornate front door, on her way to prepare the particular brand of tea her mistress enjoys on nights where she plans to hunt.

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End of part 1, hope you enjoyed so far.

No. 32826
This seems to be your first time writing here. You're brave to post something, and Meiling is cute, but it could use a lot of improvement. I can't say for sure how good you are without seeing how you write sex, though. It really seems a bit dishonest to list off a bunch of fetishes and then include nothing of the sort in your OP. I suspect people will object to your characterization of Sakuya as well.

I'd recommend that you hone your skills for a bit before posting something else. Lots of writers came from humble beginnings, but the site has a long memory. If you decide to keep writing, here's a few protips:
-Note how the other stories use short paragraphs separated by line breaks. THP doesn't have the luxury of double spacing, so we do that instead to make things more readable.
-We generally frown upon honorifics here. It's mostly just a cultural thing.
-You need to start a new paragraph whenever the speaker changes. Otherwise, it's very difficult to keep track of who's saying what.
-Some of your sentences run on for too long, especially towards the beginning. Try to limit yourself to just a few commas.
-The narrator usually "follows" the protagonist, so it was strange to linger on the scene with Meiling and Sakuya after the MC himself had left. Use something like a series of dashes to denote a change in viewpoint.

If you want someone to talk to for advice, you can try going to #touhouporn on IRC. They might be willing to help you with style and ideas there.

Whatever you end up doing, I wish you well.
No. 32830
Yea the first thing is the line breaks. I can't even read it how it is now, it literally just blurs into one blob whenever I look.

So yea, this awesome dude >>32826,
has some good advice.
No. 32833
>>32826
Hey, thanks for stomaching most of it. I'll take the advice to heart and for now, go back to practicing.